September 26, 2019 • 51 mins
Pet Frogs Plan An Escape; “Dad, Dad, Dad,” The Gameshow; James Heaney Has A Fox.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who is
off shooting the super secret Hush Hush prequel to the
Marvelous Mrs Mazel entitled When Midge Was Just a Smidge.
I know, right, I'm running out of jokes there before
we get to our Alchemists introductions. There is a very
strong chance that this episode could be interrupted by a
(00:23):
fire alarm. The building is being tested today sometime between
eleven and six. We are this is the first, so
we'll see what happens with chaos breaks loose, we'll know
do we have to leave the building? Yeah, that's the
general idea of a fire drill. The fire departments were
doing a full drill. It's loud. Oh you want to
(00:45):
leave it? Yep. So when that happens, hopefully we're at
the end of the episode or not at all. But
let's meet our Alchemists show with him now that you've
been warned he's the man with the Midas touch and
that he turns everything he touches into break pads. Joe Joey,
what's your dream car? Oh man? Probably uh sports uh
(01:08):
tuscan turns summer with a hashbash and a four speed
grogor candy uple red only Mint b Mint. Next up,
a noted biographer of Olsen's Mary Kate and Ashley Vanessa
Raglan The Pleasures Mind the any particular segment of the
(01:28):
Olsen's lives you're writing about currently? Um, I can't stop
digging deeper into how the West was fun? So how
was it fun? You know? A myriad of way? Truly,
We'll get ready to Craig against the machine. It's Craig, Craig.
What music makes you want to get up and fight
the system? Neil Diamond. He's got a song called hell
(01:52):
Yeah that really motivates nic and I'm not joking. Next
ship giggles time someone says they fingered someone in a
police lineup? Carlo, Carlo, what part of detective work you
think you'd be good at? Oh my god, I'm so
blown away by that intertext. I would be great at
(02:15):
bringing baked goods to people that I was questioning, would
be more cooperative, that's true hospitality. And finally, he runs
a fantasy football league, but not the kind you think.
James Heeney, Who's gonna be the topic this year? Gandalf,
Mr Tumnus, a ball rock or someone else. Definitely a
ball rock. Toy mean candle is good, but a ball
(02:38):
rock if you get enough of the well it's a
demon from the depths. I have no recollection. It's an
old hate. It's from Lord of the Rings. But didn't
Gandalf defeat the ball rocks? Like why would you? He
got lucky that there was a bridge at the right time.
When you're out on a mutant league football field, there's
no bridge to drop back periods starting QB. You're gonna lose,
(03:03):
shall not pass? You know? Thanks? Even think? Is the
alarm going on? All right, let's get to our first
see it after all that and madness. All of today's
scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd
like to submit yours, please write to the podcast at
(03:25):
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Our first suggestion, Hey,
Alchemy this love the podcast. Often listen to it going
to and from rehearsals at our community theater. Great stuff.
Here's a scenario for you. A group of frogs are
sitting around the pond on a lovely summer to day
when a duck arrives at disturbing news. He's heard that
(03:47):
there are species of frogs is rapidly going extinct. Shocked
and panic, the frogs first try to find out who
among them is to blame for this catastrophe, then put
their little frog brains together to figure out how to
reverse the situation we already didn't. Thanks for the last Stephen,
All right, I just gotta take care of that frog.
(04:08):
And if you take care of the frog, will get
you a dog. Okay, I want a dog. Yeah, you
gotta make sure that you could take care of the
frog before I get you a dog. Look, there's a here.
Look okay, I was gonna give this your Christmas. But
here's whole bunch of other frogs. Okay, they go a
little fair. Just take care of the sweeart. Your father
spent his last paycheck on all these frogs to make
you happy. I didn't never want any frog, okay, But
(04:31):
like he's said a million times, want to take a dog, Beggy.
This is my last paycheck, the last paycheck. He's never
going to get a job again. Do you understand has
no real skills. Look, I got to go on the road.
But did I do the roach? I gotta go funds work. Okay,
I'm sorry. Wait, it's not like you're going on like frogs.
You're in a band. You're going on the road with
(04:53):
the band. I just got hired as a guy, almost
hired for a little bit to get some money. Okay,
you're gonna leave me with your daughter? It's our child.
Do you know how you can show your life? I
don't think that she's going to really help us. I
feel like we're on her own now. Yeah, I don't
(05:14):
neither trouble. I think that we were much better off
at the pond. Ribbit, are you guys? You guys feel
like we're in danger? Like I don't know that the
ribbit that she's really handling me. Well, I don't think
she's handling me well either. I feel like my skin
is trying out. I need a little bit of war
(05:36):
in the aquarium. She just put butter on my legs.
I had the hiccup. So I'm sorry, Sts of Water,
Derek and Drinke Ribbit, I should scare you. That's a
good idea. Okay. Um, Well, if he's prepared for the
skirt's not gonna work. Well, Ribbit, it's gonna happen at
(05:56):
a time he doesn't expect it. Okay, good idea. Let's
not talking about it for a while and then ribb it.
You know it will happen when at least expect thanks, ribbit.
I think that we should try to escape. Did you
just transform? Huh? Ribbit? What what are you looking at me?
(06:18):
I just think that we should try to get away
before it's too late. Okay, we gotta orchestrate it carefully, mom,
Look at them? Look at them? Do you see what
I see? I just got a revolver and meet the dresser.
If you need to sell something that is what if
(06:40):
I shoot you with it? Can you show me with
And how am I going to get on the road
with these guys? Okay? I got moneys planning something. I
knew what I married, and a guitar player that my
life was going to be a big fat come on.
You fell in love with the music, You fell in
love with the instrument, you fell in love with the players.
I fell in love with the music, that's for sure. Good.
(07:02):
I think there's a big pool, a big pool in
that room over there. I think we can go into
it and go down Okay. Uh, we gotta make a
break for it. But when she's not expecting it, or
if we all go at the same time, they won't
be able to catch us in. At least one will survive, Ribbit.
We can escape via water or ribbit land because we're amphibious. Sure,
(07:25):
but I don't know any other escape route. There's clearly
a hole at the bottom of that bowl. Well I see,
yeah that, Let's try that pool. Let's try that pool. Sure. Look,
I don't care. I'm gonna leave my briefcads open a
little longer and knick knacks I finding to remind me
of all. I'm gonna just just a little support, just
(07:47):
a little support. I think that are not well good. Okay,
so that's initiative. You know they don't even have towels,
ribb it. Guys, guys, you gotta help me. She's crushing me.
Oh my god, there's nothing we can do for God,
I don't scare me, quick scare me? How can I
(08:07):
scare you up myself? Oh god? Oh, it's just kissing me, Ribby,
She's kissing me. I'm not going to turn in anything, kid,
I'm not going to turn in anything. I'm trying to
give rewards. Do we do that? Look at her. She's
kissing the frog like it's going to turn into a prince,
(08:28):
just like you, prince, prince the musician. Mom, great, we're
educating or she knows the terrible do not do not
kiss the musician. Do not tell the musician. It's turning
me back to kiss a musician. I mean, you know,
she falls in love with the musician in my life. Okay, wow, alright,
(08:50):
you know what. I don't think this frog could handle me.
What happened to Okay, I'm trying to kiss you back.
I'm gonna try to kiss him back. Frog. Can I
talk to the frog for a second. Let me just
see the listen. Okay, you respect my daughter? Okay, you
(09:11):
get that? Oh good, you get that. What's happening another
one of these creatures? Pick me up. He's yelling at me.
You listen up, and you listen good. Okay. I think
this is actually really great. I haven't seen him this
emotional in years. He seems so present. My little girl
I fell in love with You're gonna love my little girl,
(09:32):
all right? Oh God? Trying to keeping of the pool,
getting the pool will never forget at you that's a
dead frog. You go, honey, Sorry, let's cook it up. Okay,
I'm gonna jump in first. You're gonna phone you bet,
(09:54):
you bet. I'll be right behind you. Okay, here we go. Wait, well, okay,
I'm gonna go. I'll be back in a morning. Love you,
I love you. Where where's your doing? And then go?
(10:18):
It's me and you mom. We have nothing in common,
nothing at all. M M. Do you like your highness Ribbit,
Your highness ribbitbit croake. I'm sorry to disturb your meal,
but gri word from the gate pond is that some
(10:39):
of our citizens are ribbit are being taken in the night.
What ribbit, ribbon ribbit, Some of our citizens be ribbit
taken Ribbit Night in the ribbon Rabbit, night in the ribbon,
Ribbit night. I don't understand what you being taken? Ribbitts night? Yeah,
(11:00):
re night? What was your name? Night? Flows flit night
philosoplit some grass super I've just gotten back from the
from the outside world. Congratulations, transforming. No, I'm not truf
(11:24):
and Jesus. We had to escape. But they've killed one
of us. What they kissed us death and then crushed them.
But only two of us escaped. You know what this means,
sund the alarm Highness, Why do you believe this? Man? Huh?
(11:47):
You're always checking me on? You and I fall for
us every time, don't I don't you want to war? Shamus?
Why not gone to the old again? Don't you disgust
me and like me? Let's have a war, a little war,
(12:09):
but against the dream. We've just been murdered by human.
We don't know? That could be a tale of yarn
is it's a tale of yar. Tale of yarn. I
saw him get picked up and first kissed by an
adolescent girl. I too, had seen a human pick them up.
It's true. Witness someone's scary. Please Stephanie, get away from
(12:34):
the window. Look at all those frogs out there. That's happening, Mommy.
They're they're they're everywhere. They're in lines, they're bouncing to walk,
they're bouncing torch, they're singing something sawar. I mean it's
frog speak. Why would we be able to understand what?
I don't know? Mommy? Do you have a spear? I
(12:55):
have a I have a revolver. Your dad, well, King toad.
Word is that the frogs are challenging the humans to
a battle. And the enemy of our enemy is our friend.
Therefore we must defend the humans against the frogs. Check
the math checks out. I agree. Get the forces ready.
(13:17):
Start with the archers. The archers, Yes, we haven't used
them in years, and they will not be hurt. All right, Oh,
get away from that other window. They're grabbing pebbles and
there putting them in the maths at the window and breaking. Gosh, wait,
(13:37):
get the gun, Get on. I have the gun. I
have the gun. There's just so many of them. I
don't think I have enough bullets. Archers. Okay, I got
for a lot taste for everybody. Just want to say
I'm really excited about the show tonight, and I love
the band. And I was supposed to have non dairy
creeper in mine. The fund is this. I'm sorry. My
(13:58):
head was just somewhere else. Was thinking of my kid.
I wanted a red ball, right, I wanted a red ball.
Have a kid and a wife. You're boasting? Yeah, wow,
you know those who not want don't ask what are
you saying? It's a poem from Garfield? No, it's not.
Um the worst roady we've ever had. Yeah, I was
(14:21):
hoping I could just play guitar something with. We have
a guitarist, guitarist also guitarist. You have two guitarists already,
and my shred. I know you'll you'll nasty. I just
I got a wife and kid. I can't believe you
left your wife and kid. Why do you have many
on your cheeks? I pick you got a lot of
(14:42):
heel bros. Check out this twitch feed, man, this house
is under attack. Bro. Every kind of amphibian bro checking
his live twitch feed has got a lot of views.
I've got the counter. That's my house. That's my house.
Whatever sound to draw. I'm the war to night. The
(15:03):
frogs get dimensions, project me, protect me, stay behind the wall.
Just throw things at them in the sails. Oh dear god,
did you see that arrow from we toad? Just have fun,
(15:26):
you frogs? Fucking tony. Here, Look there's more frogs. Frogs.
They're bigger, they're browner, they're definitely to hey, frogs. Quack,
you're all gonna die. Quack. It's the duck on. Mother,
(15:47):
always speak count out the salamanders. Mom, what the fuck
it's the happening? Ducks? Did you get did you get ducks.
I found a duck. I didn't know I was in
biting a whole our mom, o, hump pomp, Hi stole
(16:07):
the door mat right over right? Oh that worked. My
hiccups are god. And that's the first scene. Lord, which
(16:28):
side with the salamanders? We'll never know? Great question? Alright?
Our second scene suggestions? Hey, how chemist, here's my scene suggestion.
A live televised hardcore dad joke competition. I love the show.
Anonymous from Vancouver, Canada. Welcome back mom, parents and he
(16:57):
it's me Tipsy Matt, and I am so excited to
be hosting Dad Dad Dad, And we're live in five Jim, Jim,
you already told me we were live. Oh my god. Hello,
well she thought we were alive. I guess we're dead. Now.
(17:19):
That's great. That's great coming to a five from you
from Vancouver. Right, that's right. I'm Chuck Blanton from Vancouver, BC. Sorry,
I'm recovering. I'm Canadian Emma, and I'm a dad. Oh
and and who do you crack up? Chuck? Chuck? Sorry,
I'm not in the Oh. No, that's good. That's good.
(17:41):
I've heard of Chuck before. I'd like to think I
crack up, my wife and my three teenage kids. Oh,
let's see a picture of them chuck seeing us. So,
how was your day at work? Sweetheart? How is my
day at work? Well, it was no play. I'll tell
you that much. Okay. I know that you have this
(18:04):
whole television show coming up next week, but you really know,
are there any food? Is there? Any food? Is there any? Yes,
there's food in front of you. I got friends coming over,
Can dad hide? How about a pizza? Pizza? Pizza? A
pizza pizza? All right, so your dad's doing it. So
(18:26):
what was the joke their dad? What was the piece
of kind of sounds like pizza. Look, I don't want
to write anything, he chuck. Uh, great work so far.
We're loving everything. You're doing, great ideas. But we noticed
there's a lot, a lot of work happening at the desk. No,
I will, I will us, there's a lot. Just tell
(18:49):
him what all work and no play makes check a
dull boy. Huh, all right, that's kind of what I
wanted to talk to. Just tell him you've got to
stop laughing. You have to get it together. It reminds
me of my dad, and uh, you gotta stop that. Okay,
because it's not a good memory. What I'm not supposed
(19:10):
to tell jokes because I remind you of your dad.
You're not supposed to tell jokes because we don't work
at a joke factory. Chuck, all right, check? Are you
sure you want to do this? It's a competition. If
think you know you're cheating, you'll be in trouble. All right,
but I I need good dad jokes? All right? Here?
What do you These are the popsicle sticks you wanted? Here?
(19:33):
You go? Great? Nice? Really, there's some some really good
ones on. Okay, there's some hot stuff. Yeah, let's brown
and sticky? A stick? Lead with that? What do I
owe you? Uh? Okay? And now we're in the lightning round.
(19:53):
It's gonna be Chuck versus Dan, Dan hit us? Uh? Well?
What is what is brown? What is sticky? Why are
we starting with Da? Why are we starting with Dan?
Because we ended with Dan last round? And that's how
the game isn't make sense? Hey, Chuck, chill out, Chuck,
(20:13):
we're lawing on TV. Dad. You're so good out there today.
I'm so proud of you. I want to take you
into my school and introduce you to all my friends.
You know what. I love that I have Thurst day off.
Do you think that they'd have time for your dad
to come in and hang with the kids. We have
so much time. Schools boring, I'm not surprised, just boring, okay.
And we have Brianna's father here because my dad everybody,
(20:37):
and I don't think he's a doctor. And but I
would just say hello to the class everybody. I'm usually
I shouldn't say this because it's a secret, but so
it is. It's part of a joke. It's part of
a joke. I wanted to show you that Barney animals.
(20:58):
That's why I called a little biggy. Hold on one second, funny,
I'm sorry, what's wrong? What the hell was that? Just
just cover yourself please, Okay, I've got my hand over
it away. Are you sure you want to do this?
It's a competition. You'll never find out, so secretive. Thank you?
(21:23):
Alright then? And sticky, that's pretty good. That's stick well,
I'm reading it right now. Okay, So the setup is
what's brown? And what is sticky? Do any of our
moms have many guesses? Um? Roll? Okay, great guess Carol, poop, Linda, No,
(21:43):
it's not poop, Linda, Okay, sorry, stick covered with maple syrup? All,
what do we have? Dan? Well, honestly, I really it's
so far. It's just a stick. So the maple syrup
is unnecessary. Stick covered in poop? Where where'd you get
those jokes? Something? The suck up? You should suck up up?
Where'd you go jokes like? Kind? I'm sorry, we're going
(22:04):
to commercial in three two? Weren't already in commercial? You
signaled that we were in commercial. I'm signaling to people.
But what is wrong with you? You come here? You
come here? What's wrong with you? You leave that kid alone?
He's doing the best in kid. You come here too? Hey? Oh,
you can't handle a few little punches from a nice
(22:24):
lady the one's supposed to be doing all the punchlines, lady,
good one. Dan, save it for when we're on air,
did you? Oh? Stop? I don't believe you. We welcome
back to the Dad's Dad's Dad's internationale Joke Competition and
we are still with with Dan and we're still on Dan. Chuck,
(22:48):
it's your turn. Relax, here you go. Everybody give it
up for Chuck from Vancouver Pizza. Pizza Pizza is I
could go for a pizza. Pizza. What's your choke, Chuck,
What's what's my choke? I stuttered, but I meant to say,
(23:11):
what's your joke? Well, if you said what's your choke,
then I would just stay a choke. Color color boy.
The police are really coloring some criminals, hardened criminals. They
must have all fallen in cement. I didn't. I mean
to get him to the e R right now in
a tup on. I t p. Okay, we gotta make
(23:33):
sure that this is dilated and go in there. All right,
you're down with you coming to okay, not nurse. I
need a scalpl I need my mistake. Now. Look, I
needed to pop tarts, none of them frosted. I need
loose milk. I am, and I'm working my way up.
All right, everyone back up. Now, we need a ten
mile radius for this person to breathe. You need some
(23:54):
loose milk. I got a lactating mom. I can show you. Jesus. Okay,
he's going off the road with dad. Jokes here. Everyone
call I'm Dan. I'm gonna alright, so class. This is
Danielle's father. He's the countdown guy on a popular television show.
Isn't that right, sir? He counts down. That's my dad.
(24:15):
Do you want to tell us about your job, sir?
Bring your dad to work to school? Day? Yeah. Recently
one into the requ room and saw um one of
the producers doing online of blow on the table, and honestly,
(24:35):
I'm sorry. In five or three two, now you can begin.
I went to the sorry about that. Let me get
the other one out. Um, let's start over in one too,
three four? Wait when do you want me to go?
What do you want me to do? Well, you're the expert.
(24:57):
I'm just up, oh god, and crying on what's going on?
This game show is coming up? And so much pressure?
Oh god, let's get out of the country. God, I
need the paycheck. I need the paycheck. Okay, I can't
(25:19):
just get a regular job and do what. I don't
know the doctor. No, that's not a regular job. That's
a hard job. Come on, God, I'm sorry, day fuck fuck,
I'll support us, I'll support you can't I will I
can't do what being a training German retrievers to do what?
And youra pacup in five four, three to one? Okay,
(25:45):
what did you learn from that? Repressed memory? All right,
and you wake up three to one. Oh my god?
Oh uh what the fuck? Yeah, you're you're you're getting therapy. Yeah, yeah,
I know. I am sorry. Um did you hear what
(26:07):
I screamed? Up? Everything was screamed? Oh yeah, that's been
on my mind for a while. I am. I've been
thinking to myself as uh, it's just a piece of ship.
I don't know. I just don't think I'm worth anything,
and I don't think that I'm good at my job
or that people who recognize me for what I do
(26:29):
or my worth. Well, maybe this'll pick up your spirits
a little bit. What's brown and sticky? Um stick? Covered
with maple syrup? Doctor? Are you sure you want to
do this? It doesn't make sense. Needs jokes, I need jokes,
all right, you ran out of popsicle sticks. But here's
some laughy tappy rappers. This should help you. Laffy taffy. Yeah,
so this is good? Yes? What's green and flies through
(26:51):
the air? Super pickle facking? Read it? Yes, that's the
kind of great a stuff you're getting from here. What's
green and flies through the air? Say again, what's green
and flies through the air? Green and flies? I have
an accent. What's green and flies with the air? Fly?
What's green and flies the locust? That's too literal. It's
(27:15):
this is a joke. You're asking me super pick Oh
what super pick oh? God? What super so in order
to be a contestant on the show, Yes, telling dad
jokes is important, but also being a father is important. Yes, exactly,
it's it's dad jokes. So yeah, what do you want
(27:37):
me to play your kid or something? Yes? Yes, what whatever?
Whatever you want? Fine, you're gonna pay me, right, yes,
I'll pay you whatever you want the need to be
on dad's dad forty five year old man is your son?
And this little boy? Okay, good enough? Sign the papers?
(27:58):
Look what is that flings these guys? Super pickle? That
I read that on a laffy taffy rapper? What? No,
it's the original joke of mine. Okay, you can't cheat.
Can't be a cheating I would not want cheat. Can't
be a cheaty look just like a cheet chetter. I'm
not the cheety chitter. You just let me and my
(28:22):
old son on the show. The bathroom. Please don't go here,
I'm sorry, Please don't Hey, I gotta go. I'm a
kid look, uh is that right? Close enough? How are
you doing an agent Marshal from a talent agent f
(28:44):
D I? Oh yeah, wow, we have a realm make
I'm likely used to last FBI agent I interacted with
wolf Dog. Yeah, I ready reporters for a double homicide.
Yeah yeah, get you seen. So we have reason to
believe that there is a rampant cheating going on and
(29:05):
fraud within this competition. You aren't implying chitty cheating, are you?
That's exactly what I'm implying. Well, Agent, I'm sorry, I
didn't catch any marshal. Agent Marshal, I wouldn't know anything
about that. Great. Great, So we're gonna have some agents
walk around, do some We can't have any agents on set, okay,
(29:29):
thank you, all right, we'll just be on the perimeter. Well,
about tickets, so we can be in the audience. You
can't be in the audience. Were about tickets, so it's
not the tickets aren't for sale? Well how did we
then some of them? So? Okay, I'm arresting you. What
I'm arresting you? Please citizens around as you say another
(29:53):
word about chitty cheating. It's going to get a lot
worse than this. You know what they do to guys
like you and the FI. I put so many people
away into suck me up? Hey, what's stupid and in
jail you? Oh god? Alright, students, So um we have
Thomas's father is here today and he uh he makes
(30:15):
up jokes for comedians. Isn't that correct, sir? Yeah, professional
joke writer, tell us something funny. You want to see
you write a joke right now? The stick one I
really enjoyed that, Yeah, was brown and sticky. Well I
have that on a popsicle stick once. Yeah, well they
bought it from me. I wrote it. I'm a ghostwriter
(30:36):
for popsicle sticks. It's impressive. Dad, How did you guy?
I'm not actually dead? Al right, yeah I did. I'm dead.
I was killed on a popsicle stick conveyor. Belt back
in and I'm forever doomed to walk this earth selling
(31:02):
jokes to hack dadol origin story. We've actually never had
a ghost dad here before. That's very exciting. Call me
ghost dad. This bad connotation that Bill Cosby movie. You're
Bill Cosby. No, I'm not Cosby. I'm not that goes
(31:23):
to Bill Cosby kids and you wake up in five
four three two. What how did that feel? Mr Cosby
L Bunware? I got this important for me to eat
(31:45):
family stuff to the memory. Well, now I proclaim you
completely rehability. That means I get a show rat. I
can holdst the dad show. Sure, let's cut to that.
(32:06):
Somebody count me down. That's one good old You're the
one we've had of you. Why die on that hill?
(32:34):
All right? Our final suggestion this afternoon, Good morning alchemists.
This suggestion has brought to you, and it's part by
a small cup of coffee and pop tarts. It's a
sad breakfast anyhow. My suggestion is this James Heaty and
his wild adventures with the random fox. He was told
not to feed, Thanks Devin. Okay, okay, you gotta give
(32:59):
that back to me. I wasn't supposed to feed you.
Come on, come on, it's no like I don't gave
it to me. It was a mistake. He gave it
to me. Okay, Well, now we in this together. Got
me more? Chicken Barnes, Hey, I don't have anything with
me like my red tail. Mr listen, Oh Jesus, that's
(33:22):
my hand Chicken Barnes. What if I just broke you out?
Of this su right are you talking? Look at that
over there. It's James Heeney again talking to the animal.
This enclosure is amazing. I can't believe they have a
Heeny here, so they're so rare. I think he's the
last one. This is nuts. How do you propose we
(33:43):
get out of here? You just happened to be thin
enough to slip through scar on my show. Thank you?
Come over here on me enough, I don't know, Get
me way through the trees. Come into a nimble Look
at this long nimbody. Fuck. I can squish my skull
and I'm fine. Wow, that's I didn't expect that. So
(34:05):
what were saying? I'm saying if you come into myself,
I think that you could probably dig out underneath, because
why you're not getting me out? You're telling me to
get myself out. No, no, yeah, I'll help you get
out if you dig the hole. I don't know, maybe
both get out of the hole. I don't know. I'm
just trying to help you, just so sad. I mean
like he needs a bigger enclosure. He really does. I
(34:27):
did a book report on him last year, and um,
one of the things that I found out about him
is that he's a quiet murderer. Yeah, he quietly murders.
It's it's so insane, but like it's obvious once you
look at him. Of course, because he's in such a
small enclosure. He's going banana. Look at these hands, Foxy,
(34:49):
look at my teeth. I told you not to fade me,
didn't I? But now you don't run out of chicken bar.
And you're the only thing that I could call a friend.
You're the only one I share a ball hard sell wall.
You're the only thing I can call names stupid. Don't
call me stupid? Oh no, you don't. You done fed
the fox? Idiot? Yet? Done fed the fox? Mr curtain Um.
(35:11):
There seems to be some individuals at the zoo. It
looks like they're starting a petition to free Mr Heeney.
And um, I don't know if you want me to
squash that quick. Uh. And he's our most popular exhibit.
I know, I love it. Um he's right next to
the Australian Fox. Yes, yeah, yeah, uh. And they're wondering.
(35:34):
I mean, from what I can hear, they want them
in a bigger enclosure, maybe like a Safari experience or
something with a h Safari experience. How the hell am
I supposed to pay for that? Mr? Curtain were at
San Diego? Mr Kurtain, I understand, would I know, Sir?
I was. I was just relaying the information as it's happening.
I want us to squash this protest as quickly as possible,
(35:56):
all right, you know, I didn't want anything to go
over and all right, like, well we can. We have
in the budget to expand his enclosure by about tin
square feet, Kurt, and I want you to be excited
about it. I don't want to be something that's you're
not excited about. Oh, we haven't a budget to expand
his enclosure by tin square feet? How's that? L Wood?
That's fine? Sound excited enough a little bit, Sir. I
(36:18):
just all right, I can a shitty shitty zoo. Okay,
I'm gonna be upfront about that. I know, Sir. We
do the best we can, but we have we have
James Heeney free, James Heeney free, James Teney free, free James.
Oh my god, I'm so dehydrated at you. Hey, you
(36:40):
know what, everyone start drink a little bit of my blood. Okay, okay,
there has to be a better option. I don't know.
The waterfront's pretty far. Okay, have you ever thought that maybe,
just maybe he isn't the last, Maybe there's other heenies out.
I just I feel like I like the logic of
this though, that makes sense. Don't just be one James
(37:02):
cut deep? All right, I'm not that thirsty. But okay,
a yeah, there's guy. If there is a way to
find out more, we should. Okay, the diggings going well? Now,
where's like chicken? Barnes? You said you want to get
to eat to me? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm you're
so thin thin, Emma, you're so thin when you standside,
(37:26):
I can't see you. Good one, Okay, alright, come into myself,
Come into myself. I'm not even a problem for me.
I've got a model's bill. Don't not you do? It's fantastic.
Run why it's an unattractive kind of skinny. I'm sore skinny. Now.
What I'm hoping you can do is bills just fall
off me. Don't buy well if you looking like a bag,
(37:51):
look shake you could? Yes you could? Oh what isn't
it time for he? He's three o'clock feeding? Yes? Mr?
What are we feeding these we're lowering a cow into
the enclosure, sir, great, great, all right, yeah, let me
know when you do it, because I want to see that.
I want to be there for that. Come on down, thick,
(38:16):
build anything. Yeah, you don't mind if sharing them with
the auzzy fox. You have too much blood on my muzzle. No,
(38:37):
it's just the right amount of thank you, your majesty.
They are taking they are taking us and feeding us
to the hey whole. Yeah, what are they feeding us whole?
A processing plan? They're feeding us whole? Well, then I
(38:57):
believe it's a time for a bovi and wo try
to feed me. I can't even move. This isn't the
time for that, chuck. This is the time for war.
Down the drums, women, I don't know. It sounds like
(39:19):
a lot of bull not be derailed by a nonsense,
Your majestie. They've declared Laura on the other enies. What
we convinced them that you were the last? But he's
not the last, and they've declared war. We gotta go
help James Eady. There's another James Heeney. They're they're keeping
(39:43):
a James Lee captain. Oh no, oh no, guys, we
should all bond together. Where is this suit? Should should
we get the archers? Yeah? I get the archers. Archers ready,
archers ready, all right, everybody into the Ford Fiesta. I
(40:06):
can't fit. I can't fit, Mr Mr Curtin, what's going
on now? Wellwood? There seems to be an army, a
legion of cows amassing in front of the zoo. And
it looks like in the distance one Ford Fiesta with
maybe two hundred James Heeney poking outside of it. Let
(40:28):
me know when to get closer. Sorry, we're getting out
right about now. This is good news. Can you fit
three here? I mean too much? Cow? Does it look
like I ate too much? I don't think you can
fit through this hole? Lot and digging after that meal?
Could you dig it a little wider? I could not
dig it a little Look at my little bitty tawny
(40:49):
skinny paws. You've bitten my hands up. Maybe I'll just
take the extra off with my mouth. Little you down
a bit? Oh, it's just swelling me up. James Dave,
James j d more fun out casting my skull change
(41:12):
as quick. There's a little tiny hole over here with
you need to get an extend over here let's make
a heinie stack. Guys, I've made some cows angry, but
I've been eating them whole, so we're gonna have to
defend ourselves against them. Wait what she just saying that?
It's me, the original the real James doun the original names.
(41:41):
Oh wait, wait, where are you guys going? We gotta
get out of here. Where are you going? I don't
know where? Cowards by? That's the true play. He does
not pull gime. Why are you on the outside of
the marshals on the outside, because let's draw it through
(42:02):
the hall. Yeah, you can't leave me here? Oh yes
I can. Oh well, I'm gonna come back every day
and look at you through the bars. How about that?
And I'm gonna be riding a cow. Yeah okay, Mr Curtin,
what's going on now, Elwood? Well, the the cow's attacked
and they ran over the majority of the heeness which exists,
(42:24):
So it's not just one James Heeney and uh and
the fox day escape the fox escape? Yes on account,
God damn it. What about the protesters? Are they still there?
They were trampled by the cow. Okay, well we've managed
to evade that problem. Yes, Mr Curlin. I just I
(42:45):
was digging through the archives, and it turns out Elwood's
full name is Elwood Heeney. What must be a typo
right here, You're a heeny No three Ellahini free, lad
Heini free, el shitty zoo, you sons of bitches. I'm
(43:09):
gonna keep this heiny in this enclosure. I lost my
original heeny, but this hen he's gonna live here with
this cow as long as I say that he does poor.
I'm a hey. I'm a he Hey and he were
living together. Now, knock knock, what's there interrupting cow? Okay,
(43:41):
knock knock? What's there interrupting cow? Okay? Mon? What's there
interrupting cow? And you'll wake up in five full three? Two?
Oh my god, Oh my god. How I felt like
(44:03):
I was being engaged imprisoned. It would be awful, wouldn't
it if if you were in prison with an interrupting cow. Yeah,
it would have been, but it was It was more
like a looped joke. Yeah, it would have been pretty bad.
I felt like but I felt like I shouldn't have
been in the cow room. I felt like I was
still in the original room with the whole Oh you
(44:25):
were in my dream word. You know what, It probably
doesn't make sense to you because I was dreaming it. Yeah.
I don't get the watch your dream on the screen.
It would be cool if you could. They're pretty awesome.
They're like triple A budget dreams. I think the important
takeaway here, Mr Heeny is that isn't it good that
(44:45):
that you're not in a zoo? Yeah? It is. I'm
just really glad. I've never been able to go to
a psychologist or psycho therapy, whatever you are. This is great.
I hope it's covered on my health insurance. Psychotherapist, you
didn't check that ahead of time. If it's covered, well,
I'm hoping that just the sense of letting me in
means it's covered. Okay, that's something from my reception, like
(45:05):
I don't I don't handle. You'll wake up in five, four,
three to one. Oh my gosh, Richie, No, James, we're
all here waiting for you. It's the James Reunion. Oh gosh.
(45:25):
So okay, and you're James, and you're James, and I'm
James James. I'm James James. I'm the real James. You
know what, there's only enough room for one all right, Stephanie,
Well you've really proven your responsibility with these frogs. So
(45:48):
I told you your father and I we got you.
We didn't get you a dog, but we did get
you a James Keen And what was that? I was disappointed?
Oh really, I thought you would be so excited my
last check. It was his very last page check. What's
your last check? Nobody had that gig with the musicians.
Just want a dog, not a word? Guy covered in
(46:11):
blood so cute, it's really it's the last one of
his kind. Yeah, I made sure that I was really
the last one this time. I'm a pretty responsibility for
a kid. Well that's why exactly where you kind it's
my last page check that you don't understand you're just
a kid. But it's okay. I'll give you a hug,
(46:31):
thank you, thank you. Don't hug him your mind that
I'm just just generally usually nice guy. I want something loyal.
I'm loyal. You should feed him. He's probably starving. I
am starving, and i'd just food like you know, like
corn an no no, no, not kipple, like Kimble's food,
(46:54):
like chicken. I can't eat that. And you're all for
the need to kill Jay, I mean run James, run
Georgia's salamanders. You look at that little listard. What are
you killing it? I gotta go fund working kill Please
(47:15):
don't leave us a kid. What happened. Look, I'm gonna
leave us kid, and I'm gonna get the little and
then I'm gonna go all right, I won't. I won't
forgive you this time. Come on, don't say that I
love you the salamander. I can't eat eat the salamander.
(47:44):
It's just as bad as I thought. Thank you, And
that's our show over today. Let's go around and say, well,
we're up to Alchemist Carla Kaski Carla Kakowski dot com,
Vanessa Raglan. Yeah, I'm sorry about the show guy. What
(48:07):
a weird thing everyone just had to go through. I
love you. I don't have anything to plug, not on
this episode. I'm not who you think I am. Craig Kakoski.
If you got kids, like in the six to ten range,
they might enjoy a show called Archibald's Next Big Thing,
(48:27):
which is uh Starry on Netflix in September that I
do some of the voices. It's a very cute and
sweet show that Tony Hale created the particular archibald and
one of the nicest human beings in the world. That
Tony Oh yeah, yeah, Tony Hall is to James had
(48:47):
I'd just like to take a chance. Well, I was
proposing to all the people that listened and did the
did the refuse? We got scrowdy war to really really
Isaac fifty seven CRM thirty one. Wait, did you say
we got scroty want us? Because we've been needing a
(49:10):
review from peoplady wanting and we got one would star
Wars characters. I don't know we got til twelve Tissel.
I guess to you guys all left reviews like a
good good thank you. It was really nice of them
to open. It doesn't mean something that I'm unfamiliar with.
(49:33):
Its yeah, it's it is scroty what appear heart, But
people should leave us reviews and that's so nice that
people they did that. Someone said that I was forcing
them to do it, and I'm okay with that. It
wasn't you was one of the other James he needs
(49:53):
Joey Greer. I just want to go with James said,
and thank you for everyone left review and classy move
joy check out Bear supply and pretty Pretty Ponny, what's
that coming with your Yeah, pretty pretty Punny the last
sec first first Thursday every month at ten pm. I'm
at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cold, depending on the
(50:16):
social media platform. Uh yeah, and check out Pretty Pretty
Pony and this here show. Also thanks to our engineer
Doug Babe, our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, our
producers Sophie Lichtman, and lastly I Heart Media, Sumpumum, Loose Milk,
(50:37):
Get Loose Milk, acroach. All of you to write a review.
Like we said before, tell everyone you've ever met and
write to us with your scene suggestions and whatever else.
At your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com until next time.
(51:00):
I already wanted his pretty wear
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who is
off shooting the super secret Hush Hush prequel to the
Marvelous Mrs Mazel entitled When Midge Was Just a Smidge.
I know, right, I'm running out of jokes there before
we get to our Alchemists introductions. There is a very
strong chance that this episode could be interrupted by a
(00:23):
fire alarm. The building is being tested today sometime between
eleven and six. We are this is the first, so
we'll see what happens with chaos breaks loose, we'll know
do we have to leave the building? Yeah, that's the
general idea of a fire drill. The fire departments were
doing a full drill. It's loud. Oh you want to
(00:45):
leave it? Yep. So when that happens, hopefully we're at
the end of the episode or not at all. But
let's meet our Alchemists show with him now that you've
been warned he's the man with the Midas touch and
that he turns everything he touches into break pads. Joe Joey,
what's your dream car? Oh man? Probably uh sports uh
(01:08):
tuscan turns summer with a hashbash and a four speed
grogor candy uple red only Mint b Mint. Next up,
a noted biographer of Olsen's Mary Kate and Ashley Vanessa
Raglan The Pleasures Mind the any particular segment of the
(01:28):
Olsen's lives you're writing about currently? Um, I can't stop
digging deeper into how the West was fun? So how
was it fun? You know? A myriad of way? Truly,
We'll get ready to Craig against the machine. It's Craig, Craig.
What music makes you want to get up and fight
the system? Neil Diamond. He's got a song called hell
(01:52):
Yeah that really motivates nic and I'm not joking. Next
ship giggles time someone says they fingered someone in a
police lineup? Carlo, Carlo, what part of detective work you
think you'd be good at? Oh my god, I'm so
blown away by that intertext. I would be great at
(02:15):
bringing baked goods to people that I was questioning, would
be more cooperative, that's true hospitality. And finally, he runs
a fantasy football league, but not the kind you think.
James Heeney, Who's gonna be the topic this year? Gandalf,
Mr Tumnus, a ball rock or someone else. Definitely a
ball rock. Toy mean candle is good, but a ball
(02:38):
rock if you get enough of the well it's a
demon from the depths. I have no recollection. It's an
old hate. It's from Lord of the Rings. But didn't
Gandalf defeat the ball rocks? Like why would you? He
got lucky that there was a bridge at the right time.
When you're out on a mutant league football field, there's
no bridge to drop back periods starting QB. You're gonna lose,
(03:03):
shall not pass? You know? Thanks? Even think? Is the
alarm going on? All right, let's get to our first
see it after all that and madness. All of today's
scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd
like to submit yours, please write to the podcast at
(03:25):
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com. Our first suggestion, Hey,
Alchemy this love the podcast. Often listen to it going
to and from rehearsals at our community theater. Great stuff.
Here's a scenario for you. A group of frogs are
sitting around the pond on a lovely summer to day
when a duck arrives at disturbing news. He's heard that
(03:47):
there are species of frogs is rapidly going extinct. Shocked
and panic, the frogs first try to find out who
among them is to blame for this catastrophe, then put
their little frog brains together to figure out how to
reverse the situation we already didn't. Thanks for the last Stephen,
All right, I just gotta take care of that frog.
(04:08):
And if you take care of the frog, will get
you a dog. Okay, I want a dog. Yeah, you
gotta make sure that you could take care of the
frog before I get you a dog. Look, there's a here.
Look okay, I was gonna give this your Christmas. But
here's whole bunch of other frogs. Okay, they go a
little fair. Just take care of the sweeart. Your father
spent his last paycheck on all these frogs to make
you happy. I didn't never want any frog, okay, But
(04:31):
like he's said a million times, want to take a dog, Beggy.
This is my last paycheck, the last paycheck. He's never
going to get a job again. Do you understand has
no real skills. Look, I got to go on the road.
But did I do the roach? I gotta go funds work. Okay,
I'm sorry. Wait, it's not like you're going on like frogs.
You're in a band. You're going on the road with
(04:53):
the band. I just got hired as a guy, almost
hired for a little bit to get some money. Okay,
you're gonna leave me with your daughter? It's our child.
Do you know how you can show your life? I
don't think that she's going to really help us. I
feel like we're on her own now. Yeah, I don't
(05:14):
neither trouble. I think that we were much better off
at the pond. Ribbit, are you guys? You guys feel
like we're in danger? Like I don't know that the
ribbit that she's really handling me. Well, I don't think
she's handling me well either. I feel like my skin
is trying out. I need a little bit of war
(05:36):
in the aquarium. She just put butter on my legs.
I had the hiccup. So I'm sorry, Sts of Water,
Derek and Drinke Ribbit, I should scare you. That's a
good idea. Okay. Um, Well, if he's prepared for the
skirt's not gonna work. Well, Ribbit, it's gonna happen at
(05:56):
a time he doesn't expect it. Okay, good idea. Let's
not talking about it for a while and then ribb it.
You know it will happen when at least expect thanks, ribbit.
I think that we should try to escape. Did you
just transform? Huh? Ribbit? What what are you looking at me?
(06:18):
I just think that we should try to get away
before it's too late. Okay, we gotta orchestrate it carefully, mom,
Look at them? Look at them? Do you see what
I see? I just got a revolver and meet the dresser.
If you need to sell something that is what if
(06:40):
I shoot you with it? Can you show me with
And how am I going to get on the road
with these guys? Okay? I got moneys planning something. I
knew what I married, and a guitar player that my
life was going to be a big fat come on.
You fell in love with the music, You fell in
love with the instrument, you fell in love with the players.
I fell in love with the music, that's for sure. Good.
(07:02):
I think there's a big pool, a big pool in
that room over there. I think we can go into
it and go down Okay. Uh, we gotta make a
break for it. But when she's not expecting it, or
if we all go at the same time, they won't
be able to catch us in. At least one will survive, Ribbit.
We can escape via water or ribbit land because we're amphibious. Sure,
(07:25):
but I don't know any other escape route. There's clearly
a hole at the bottom of that bowl. Well I see,
yeah that, Let's try that pool. Let's try that pool. Sure. Look,
I don't care. I'm gonna leave my briefcads open a
little longer and knick knacks I finding to remind me
of all. I'm gonna just just a little support, just
(07:47):
a little support. I think that are not well good. Okay,
so that's initiative. You know they don't even have towels,
ribb it. Guys, guys, you gotta help me. She's crushing me.
Oh my god, there's nothing we can do for God,
I don't scare me, quick scare me? How can I
(08:07):
scare you up myself? Oh god? Oh, it's just kissing me, Ribby,
She's kissing me. I'm not going to turn in anything, kid,
I'm not going to turn in anything. I'm trying to
give rewards. Do we do that? Look at her. She's
kissing the frog like it's going to turn into a prince,
(08:28):
just like you, prince, prince the musician. Mom, great, we're
educating or she knows the terrible do not do not
kiss the musician. Do not tell the musician. It's turning
me back to kiss a musician. I mean, you know,
she falls in love with the musician in my life. Okay, wow, alright,
(08:50):
you know what. I don't think this frog could handle me.
What happened to Okay, I'm trying to kiss you back.
I'm gonna try to kiss him back. Frog. Can I
talk to the frog for a second. Let me just
see the listen. Okay, you respect my daughter? Okay, you
(09:11):
get that? Oh good, you get that. What's happening another
one of these creatures? Pick me up. He's yelling at me.
You listen up, and you listen good. Okay. I think
this is actually really great. I haven't seen him this
emotional in years. He seems so present. My little girl
I fell in love with You're gonna love my little girl,
(09:32):
all right? Oh God? Trying to keeping of the pool,
getting the pool will never forget at you that's a
dead frog. You go, honey, Sorry, let's cook it up. Okay,
I'm gonna jump in first. You're gonna phone you bet,
(09:54):
you bet. I'll be right behind you. Okay, here we go. Wait, well, okay,
I'm gonna go. I'll be back in a morning. Love you,
I love you. Where where's your doing? And then go?
(10:18):
It's me and you mom. We have nothing in common,
nothing at all. M M. Do you like your highness Ribbit,
Your highness ribbitbit croake. I'm sorry to disturb your meal,
but gri word from the gate pond is that some
(10:39):
of our citizens are ribbit are being taken in the night.
What ribbit, ribbon ribbit, Some of our citizens be ribbit
taken Ribbit Night in the ribbon Rabbit, night in the ribbon,
Ribbit night. I don't understand what you being taken? Ribbitts night? Yeah,
(11:00):
re night? What was your name? Night? Flows flit night
philosoplit some grass super I've just gotten back from the
from the outside world. Congratulations, transforming. No, I'm not truf
(11:24):
and Jesus. We had to escape. But they've killed one
of us. What they kissed us death and then crushed them.
But only two of us escaped. You know what this means,
sund the alarm Highness, Why do you believe this? Man? Huh?
(11:47):
You're always checking me on? You and I fall for
us every time, don't I don't you want to war? Shamus?
Why not gone to the old again? Don't you disgust
me and like me? Let's have a war, a little war,
(12:09):
but against the dream. We've just been murdered by human.
We don't know? That could be a tale of yarn
is it's a tale of yar. Tale of yarn. I
saw him get picked up and first kissed by an
adolescent girl. I too, had seen a human pick them up.
It's true. Witness someone's scary. Please Stephanie, get away from
(12:34):
the window. Look at all those frogs out there. That's happening, Mommy.
They're they're they're everywhere. They're in lines, they're bouncing to walk,
they're bouncing torch, they're singing something sawar. I mean it's
frog speak. Why would we be able to understand what?
I don't know? Mommy? Do you have a spear? I
(12:55):
have a I have a revolver. Your dad, well, King toad.
Word is that the frogs are challenging the humans to
a battle. And the enemy of our enemy is our friend.
Therefore we must defend the humans against the frogs. Check
the math checks out. I agree. Get the forces ready.
(13:17):
Start with the archers. The archers, Yes, we haven't used
them in years, and they will not be hurt. All right, Oh,
get away from that other window. They're grabbing pebbles and
there putting them in the maths at the window and breaking. Gosh, wait,
(13:37):
get the gun, Get on. I have the gun. I
have the gun. There's just so many of them. I
don't think I have enough bullets. Archers. Okay, I got
for a lot taste for everybody. Just want to say
I'm really excited about the show tonight, and I love
the band. And I was supposed to have non dairy
creeper in mine. The fund is this. I'm sorry. My
(13:58):
head was just somewhere else. Was thinking of my kid.
I wanted a red ball, right, I wanted a red ball.
Have a kid and a wife. You're boasting? Yeah, wow,
you know those who not want don't ask what are
you saying? It's a poem from Garfield? No, it's not.
Um the worst roady we've ever had. Yeah, I was
(14:21):
hoping I could just play guitar something with. We have
a guitarist, guitarist also guitarist. You have two guitarists already,
and my shred. I know you'll you'll nasty. I just
I got a wife and kid. I can't believe you
left your wife and kid. Why do you have many
on your cheeks? I pick you got a lot of
(14:42):
heel bros. Check out this twitch feed, man, this house
is under attack. Bro. Every kind of amphibian bro checking
his live twitch feed has got a lot of views.
I've got the counter. That's my house. That's my house.
Whatever sound to draw. I'm the war to night. The
(15:03):
frogs get dimensions, project me, protect me, stay behind the wall.
Just throw things at them in the sails. Oh dear god,
did you see that arrow from we toad? Just have fun,
(15:26):
you frogs? Fucking tony. Here, Look there's more frogs. Frogs.
They're bigger, they're browner, they're definitely to hey, frogs. Quack,
you're all gonna die. Quack. It's the duck on. Mother,
(15:47):
always speak count out the salamanders. Mom, what the fuck
it's the happening? Ducks? Did you get did you get ducks.
I found a duck. I didn't know I was in
biting a whole our mom, o, hump pomp, Hi stole
(16:07):
the door mat right over right? Oh that worked. My
hiccups are god. And that's the first scene. Lord, which
(16:28):
side with the salamanders? We'll never know? Great question? Alright?
Our second scene suggestions? Hey, how chemist, here's my scene suggestion.
A live televised hardcore dad joke competition. I love the show.
Anonymous from Vancouver, Canada. Welcome back mom, parents and he
(16:57):
it's me Tipsy Matt, and I am so excited to
be hosting Dad Dad Dad, And we're live in five Jim, Jim,
you already told me we were live. Oh my god. Hello,
well she thought we were alive. I guess we're dead. Now.
(17:19):
That's great. That's great coming to a five from you
from Vancouver. Right, that's right. I'm Chuck Blanton from Vancouver, BC. Sorry,
I'm recovering. I'm Canadian Emma, and I'm a dad. Oh
and and who do you crack up? Chuck? Chuck? Sorry,
I'm not in the Oh. No, that's good. That's good.
(17:41):
I've heard of Chuck before. I'd like to think I
crack up, my wife and my three teenage kids. Oh,
let's see a picture of them chuck seeing us. So,
how was your day at work? Sweetheart? How is my
day at work? Well, it was no play. I'll tell
you that much. Okay. I know that you have this
(18:04):
whole television show coming up next week, but you really know,
are there any food? Is there? Any food? Is there any? Yes,
there's food in front of you. I got friends coming over,
Can dad hide? How about a pizza? Pizza? Pizza? A
pizza pizza? All right, so your dad's doing it. So
(18:26):
what was the joke their dad? What was the piece
of kind of sounds like pizza. Look, I don't want
to write anything, he chuck. Uh, great work so far.
We're loving everything. You're doing, great ideas. But we noticed
there's a lot, a lot of work happening at the desk. No,
I will, I will us, there's a lot. Just tell
(18:49):
him what all work and no play makes check a
dull boy. Huh, all right, that's kind of what I
wanted to talk to. Just tell him you've got to
stop laughing. You have to get it together. It reminds
me of my dad, and uh, you gotta stop that. Okay,
because it's not a good memory. What I'm not supposed
(19:10):
to tell jokes because I remind you of your dad.
You're not supposed to tell jokes because we don't work
at a joke factory. Chuck, all right, check? Are you
sure you want to do this? It's a competition. If
think you know you're cheating, you'll be in trouble. All right,
but I I need good dad jokes? All right? Here?
What do you These are the popsicle sticks you wanted? Here?
(19:33):
You go? Great? Nice? Really, there's some some really good
ones on. Okay, there's some hot stuff. Yeah, let's brown
and sticky? A stick? Lead with that? What do I
owe you? Uh? Okay? And now we're in the lightning round.
(19:53):
It's gonna be Chuck versus Dan, Dan hit us? Uh? Well?
What is what is brown? What is sticky? Why are
we starting with Da? Why are we starting with Dan?
Because we ended with Dan last round? And that's how
the game isn't make sense? Hey, Chuck, chill out, Chuck,
(20:13):
we're lawing on TV. Dad. You're so good out there today.
I'm so proud of you. I want to take you
into my school and introduce you to all my friends.
You know what. I love that I have Thurst day off.
Do you think that they'd have time for your dad
to come in and hang with the kids. We have
so much time. Schools boring, I'm not surprised, just boring, okay.
And we have Brianna's father here because my dad everybody,
(20:37):
and I don't think he's a doctor. And but I
would just say hello to the class everybody. I'm usually
I shouldn't say this because it's a secret, but so
it is. It's part of a joke. It's part of
a joke. I wanted to show you that Barney animals.
(20:58):
That's why I called a little biggy. Hold on one second, funny,
I'm sorry, what's wrong? What the hell was that? Just
just cover yourself please, Okay, I've got my hand over
it away. Are you sure you want to do this?
It's a competition. You'll never find out, so secretive. Thank you?
(21:23):
Alright then? And sticky, that's pretty good. That's stick well,
I'm reading it right now. Okay, So the setup is
what's brown? And what is sticky? Do any of our
moms have many guesses? Um? Roll? Okay, great guess Carol, poop, Linda, No,
(21:43):
it's not poop, Linda, Okay, sorry, stick covered with maple syrup? All,
what do we have? Dan? Well, honestly, I really it's
so far. It's just a stick. So the maple syrup
is unnecessary. Stick covered in poop? Where where'd you get
those jokes? Something? The suck up? You should suck up up?
Where'd you go jokes like? Kind? I'm sorry, we're going
(22:04):
to commercial in three two? Weren't already in commercial? You
signaled that we were in commercial. I'm signaling to people.
But what is wrong with you? You come here? You
come here? What's wrong with you? You leave that kid alone?
He's doing the best in kid. You come here too? Hey? Oh,
you can't handle a few little punches from a nice
(22:24):
lady the one's supposed to be doing all the punchlines, lady,
good one. Dan, save it for when we're on air,
did you? Oh? Stop? I don't believe you. We welcome
back to the Dad's Dad's Dad's internationale Joke Competition and
we are still with with Dan and we're still on Dan. Chuck,
(22:48):
it's your turn. Relax, here you go. Everybody give it
up for Chuck from Vancouver Pizza. Pizza Pizza is I
could go for a pizza. Pizza. What's your choke, Chuck,
What's what's my choke? I stuttered, but I meant to say,
(23:11):
what's your joke? Well, if you said what's your choke,
then I would just stay a choke. Color color boy.
The police are really coloring some criminals, hardened criminals. They
must have all fallen in cement. I didn't. I mean
to get him to the e R right now in
a tup on. I t p. Okay, we gotta make
(23:33):
sure that this is dilated and go in there. All right,
you're down with you coming to okay, not nurse. I
need a scalpl I need my mistake. Now. Look, I
needed to pop tarts, none of them frosted. I need
loose milk. I am, and I'm working my way up.
All right, everyone back up. Now, we need a ten
mile radius for this person to breathe. You need some
(23:54):
loose milk. I got a lactating mom. I can show you. Jesus. Okay,
he's going off the road with dad. Jokes here. Everyone
call I'm Dan. I'm gonna alright, so class. This is
Danielle's father. He's the countdown guy on a popular television show.
Isn't that right, sir? He counts down. That's my dad.
(24:15):
Do you want to tell us about your job, sir?
Bring your dad to work to school? Day? Yeah. Recently
one into the requ room and saw um one of
the producers doing online of blow on the table, and honestly,
(24:35):
I'm sorry. In five or three two, now you can begin.
I went to the sorry about that. Let me get
the other one out. Um, let's start over in one too,
three four? Wait when do you want me to go?
What do you want me to do? Well, you're the expert.
(24:57):
I'm just up, oh god, and crying on what's going on?
This game show is coming up? And so much pressure?
Oh god, let's get out of the country. God, I
need the paycheck. I need the paycheck. Okay, I can't
(25:19):
just get a regular job and do what. I don't
know the doctor. No, that's not a regular job. That's
a hard job. Come on, God, I'm sorry, day fuck fuck,
I'll support us, I'll support you can't I will I
can't do what being a training German retrievers to do what?
And youra pacup in five four, three to one? Okay,
(25:45):
what did you learn from that? Repressed memory? All right,
and you wake up three to one. Oh my god?
Oh uh what the fuck? Yeah, you're you're you're getting therapy. Yeah, yeah,
I know. I am sorry. Um did you hear what
(26:07):
I screamed? Up? Everything was screamed? Oh yeah, that's been
on my mind for a while. I am. I've been
thinking to myself as uh, it's just a piece of ship.
I don't know. I just don't think I'm worth anything,
and I don't think that I'm good at my job
or that people who recognize me for what I do
(26:29):
or my worth. Well, maybe this'll pick up your spirits
a little bit. What's brown and sticky? Um stick? Covered
with maple syrup? Doctor? Are you sure you want to
do this? It doesn't make sense. Needs jokes, I need jokes,
all right, you ran out of popsicle sticks. But here's
some laughy tappy rappers. This should help you. Laffy taffy. Yeah,
so this is good? Yes? What's green and flies through
(26:51):
the air? Super pickle facking? Read it? Yes, that's the
kind of great a stuff you're getting from here. What's
green and flies through the air? Say again, what's green
and flies through the air? Green and flies? I have
an accent. What's green and flies with the air? Fly?
What's green and flies the locust? That's too literal. It's
(27:15):
this is a joke. You're asking me super pick Oh
what super pick oh? God? What super so in order
to be a contestant on the show, Yes, telling dad
jokes is important, but also being a father is important. Yes, exactly,
it's it's dad jokes. So yeah, what do you want
(27:37):
me to play your kid or something? Yes? Yes, what whatever?
Whatever you want? Fine, you're gonna pay me, right, yes,
I'll pay you whatever you want the need to be
on dad's dad forty five year old man is your son?
And this little boy? Okay, good enough? Sign the papers?
(27:58):
Look what is that flings these guys? Super pickle? That
I read that on a laffy taffy rapper? What? No,
it's the original joke of mine. Okay, you can't cheat.
Can't be a cheating I would not want cheat. Can't
be a cheaty look just like a cheet chetter. I'm
not the cheety chitter. You just let me and my
(28:22):
old son on the show. The bathroom. Please don't go here,
I'm sorry, Please don't Hey, I gotta go. I'm a
kid look, uh is that right? Close enough? How are
you doing an agent Marshal from a talent agent f
(28:44):
D I? Oh yeah, wow, we have a realm make
I'm likely used to last FBI agent I interacted with
wolf Dog. Yeah, I ready reporters for a double homicide.
Yeah yeah, get you seen. So we have reason to
believe that there is a rampant cheating going on and
(29:05):
fraud within this competition. You aren't implying chitty cheating, are you?
That's exactly what I'm implying. Well, Agent, I'm sorry, I
didn't catch any marshal. Agent Marshal, I wouldn't know anything
about that. Great. Great, So we're gonna have some agents
walk around, do some We can't have any agents on set, okay,
(29:29):
thank you, all right, we'll just be on the perimeter. Well,
about tickets, so we can be in the audience. You
can't be in the audience. Were about tickets, so it's
not the tickets aren't for sale? Well how did we
then some of them? So? Okay, I'm arresting you. What
I'm arresting you? Please citizens around as you say another
(29:53):
word about chitty cheating. It's going to get a lot
worse than this. You know what they do to guys
like you and the FI. I put so many people
away into suck me up? Hey, what's stupid and in
jail you? Oh god? Alright, students, So um we have
Thomas's father is here today and he uh he makes
(30:15):
up jokes for comedians. Isn't that correct, sir? Yeah, professional
joke writer, tell us something funny. You want to see
you write a joke right now? The stick one I
really enjoyed that, Yeah, was brown and sticky. Well I
have that on a popsicle stick once. Yeah, well they
bought it from me. I wrote it. I'm a ghostwriter
(30:36):
for popsicle sticks. It's impressive. Dad, How did you guy?
I'm not actually dead? Al right, yeah I did. I'm dead.
I was killed on a popsicle stick conveyor. Belt back
in and I'm forever doomed to walk this earth selling
(31:02):
jokes to hack dadol origin story. We've actually never had
a ghost dad here before. That's very exciting. Call me
ghost dad. This bad connotation that Bill Cosby movie. You're
Bill Cosby. No, I'm not Cosby. I'm not that goes
(31:23):
to Bill Cosby kids and you wake up in five
four three two. What how did that feel? Mr Cosby
L Bunware? I got this important for me to eat
(31:45):
family stuff to the memory. Well, now I proclaim you
completely rehability. That means I get a show rat. I
can holdst the dad show. Sure, let's cut to that.
(32:06):
Somebody count me down. That's one good old You're the
one we've had of you. Why die on that hill?
(32:34):
All right? Our final suggestion this afternoon, Good morning alchemists.
This suggestion has brought to you, and it's part by
a small cup of coffee and pop tarts. It's a
sad breakfast anyhow. My suggestion is this James Heaty and
his wild adventures with the random fox. He was told
not to feed, Thanks Devin. Okay, okay, you gotta give
(32:59):
that back to me. I wasn't supposed to feed you.
Come on, come on, it's no like I don't gave
it to me. It was a mistake. He gave it
to me. Okay, Well, now we in this together. Got
me more? Chicken Barnes, Hey, I don't have anything with
me like my red tail. Mr listen, Oh Jesus, that's
(33:22):
my hand Chicken Barnes. What if I just broke you out?
Of this su right are you talking? Look at that
over there. It's James Heeney again talking to the animal.
This enclosure is amazing. I can't believe they have a
Heeny here, so they're so rare. I think he's the
last one. This is nuts. How do you propose we
(33:43):
get out of here? You just happened to be thin
enough to slip through scar on my show. Thank you?
Come over here on me enough, I don't know, Get
me way through the trees. Come into a nimble Look
at this long nimbody. Fuck. I can squish my skull
and I'm fine. Wow, that's I didn't expect that. So
(34:05):
what were saying? I'm saying if you come into myself,
I think that you could probably dig out underneath, because
why you're not getting me out? You're telling me to
get myself out. No, no, yeah, I'll help you get
out if you dig the hole. I don't know, maybe
both get out of the hole. I don't know. I'm
just trying to help you, just so sad. I mean
like he needs a bigger enclosure. He really does. I
(34:27):
did a book report on him last year, and um,
one of the things that I found out about him
is that he's a quiet murderer. Yeah, he quietly murders.
It's it's so insane, but like it's obvious once you
look at him. Of course, because he's in such a
small enclosure. He's going banana. Look at these hands, Foxy,
(34:49):
look at my teeth. I told you not to fade me,
didn't I? But now you don't run out of chicken bar.
And you're the only thing that I could call a friend.
You're the only one I share a ball hard sell wall.
You're the only thing I can call names stupid. Don't
call me stupid? Oh no, you don't. You done fed
the fox? Idiot? Yet? Done fed the fox? Mr curtain Um.
(35:11):
There seems to be some individuals at the zoo. It
looks like they're starting a petition to free Mr Heeney.
And um, I don't know if you want me to
squash that quick. Uh. And he's our most popular exhibit.
I know, I love it. Um he's right next to
the Australian Fox. Yes, yeah, yeah, uh. And they're wondering.
(35:34):
I mean, from what I can hear, they want them
in a bigger enclosure, maybe like a Safari experience or
something with a h Safari experience. How the hell am
I supposed to pay for that? Mr? Curtain were at
San Diego? Mr Kurtain, I understand, would I know, Sir?
I was. I was just relaying the information as it's happening.
I want us to squash this protest as quickly as possible,
(35:56):
all right, you know, I didn't want anything to go
over and all right, like, well we can. We have
in the budget to expand his enclosure by about tin
square feet, Kurt, and I want you to be excited
about it. I don't want to be something that's you're
not excited about. Oh, we haven't a budget to expand
his enclosure by tin square feet? How's that? L Wood?
That's fine? Sound excited enough a little bit, Sir. I
(36:18):
just all right, I can a shitty shitty zoo. Okay,
I'm gonna be upfront about that. I know, Sir. We
do the best we can, but we have we have
James Heeney free, James Heeney free, James Teney free, free James.
Oh my god, I'm so dehydrated at you. Hey, you
(36:40):
know what, everyone start drink a little bit of my blood. Okay, okay,
there has to be a better option. I don't know.
The waterfront's pretty far. Okay, have you ever thought that maybe,
just maybe he isn't the last, Maybe there's other heenies out.
I just I feel like I like the logic of
this though, that makes sense. Don't just be one James
(37:02):
cut deep? All right, I'm not that thirsty. But okay,
a yeah, there's guy. If there is a way to
find out more, we should. Okay, the diggings going well? Now,
where's like chicken? Barnes? You said you want to get
to eat to me? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm you're
so thin thin, Emma, you're so thin when you standside,
(37:26):
I can't see you. Good one, Okay, alright, come into myself,
Come into myself. I'm not even a problem for me.
I've got a model's bill. Don't not you do? It's fantastic.
Run why it's an unattractive kind of skinny. I'm sore skinny. Now.
What I'm hoping you can do is bills just fall
off me. Don't buy well if you looking like a bag,
(37:51):
look shake you could? Yes you could? Oh what isn't
it time for he? He's three o'clock feeding? Yes? Mr?
What are we feeding these we're lowering a cow into
the enclosure, sir, great, great, all right, yeah, let me
know when you do it, because I want to see that.
I want to be there for that. Come on down, thick,
(38:16):
build anything. Yeah, you don't mind if sharing them with
the auzzy fox. You have too much blood on my muzzle. No,
(38:37):
it's just the right amount of thank you, your majesty.
They are taking they are taking us and feeding us
to the hey whole. Yeah, what are they feeding us whole?
A processing plan? They're feeding us whole? Well, then I
(38:57):
believe it's a time for a bovi and wo try
to feed me. I can't even move. This isn't the
time for that, chuck. This is the time for war.
Down the drums, women, I don't know. It sounds like
(39:19):
a lot of bull not be derailed by a nonsense,
Your majestie. They've declared Laura on the other enies. What
we convinced them that you were the last? But he's
not the last, and they've declared war. We gotta go
help James Eady. There's another James Heeney. They're they're keeping
(39:43):
a James Lee captain. Oh no, oh no, guys, we
should all bond together. Where is this suit? Should should
we get the archers? Yeah? I get the archers. Archers ready,
archers ready, all right, everybody into the Ford Fiesta. I
(40:06):
can't fit. I can't fit, Mr Mr Curtin, what's going
on now? Wellwood? There seems to be an army, a
legion of cows amassing in front of the zoo. And
it looks like in the distance one Ford Fiesta with
maybe two hundred James Heeney poking outside of it. Let
(40:28):
me know when to get closer. Sorry, we're getting out
right about now. This is good news. Can you fit
three here? I mean too much? Cow? Does it look
like I ate too much? I don't think you can
fit through this hole? Lot and digging after that meal?
Could you dig it a little wider? I could not
dig it a little Look at my little bitty tawny
(40:49):
skinny paws. You've bitten my hands up. Maybe I'll just
take the extra off with my mouth. Little you down
a bit? Oh, it's just swelling me up. James Dave,
James j d more fun out casting my skull change
(41:12):
as quick. There's a little tiny hole over here with
you need to get an extend over here let's make
a heinie stack. Guys, I've made some cows angry, but
I've been eating them whole, so we're gonna have to
defend ourselves against them. Wait what she just saying that?
It's me, the original the real James doun the original names.
(41:41):
Oh wait, wait, where are you guys going? We gotta
get out of here. Where are you going? I don't
know where? Cowards by? That's the true play. He does
not pull gime. Why are you on the outside of
the marshals on the outside, because let's draw it through
(42:02):
the hall. Yeah, you can't leave me here? Oh yes
I can. Oh well, I'm gonna come back every day
and look at you through the bars. How about that?
And I'm gonna be riding a cow. Yeah okay, Mr Curtin,
what's going on now, Elwood? Well, the the cow's attacked
and they ran over the majority of the heeness which exists,
(42:24):
So it's not just one James Heeney and uh and
the fox day escape the fox escape? Yes on account,
God damn it. What about the protesters? Are they still there?
They were trampled by the cow. Okay, well we've managed
to evade that problem. Yes, Mr Curlin. I just I
(42:45):
was digging through the archives, and it turns out Elwood's
full name is Elwood Heeney. What must be a typo
right here, You're a heeny No three Ellahini free, lad
Heini free, el shitty zoo, you sons of bitches. I'm
(43:09):
gonna keep this heiny in this enclosure. I lost my
original heeny, but this hen he's gonna live here with
this cow as long as I say that he does poor.
I'm a hey. I'm a he Hey and he were
living together. Now, knock knock, what's there interrupting cow? Okay,
(43:41):
knock knock? What's there interrupting cow? Okay? Mon? What's there
interrupting cow? And you'll wake up in five full three? Two?
Oh my god, Oh my god. How I felt like
(44:03):
I was being engaged imprisoned. It would be awful, wouldn't
it if if you were in prison with an interrupting cow. Yeah,
it would have been, but it was It was more
like a looped joke. Yeah, it would have been pretty bad.
I felt like but I felt like I shouldn't have
been in the cow room. I felt like I was
still in the original room with the whole Oh you
(44:25):
were in my dream word. You know what, It probably
doesn't make sense to you because I was dreaming it. Yeah.
I don't get the watch your dream on the screen.
It would be cool if you could. They're pretty awesome.
They're like triple A budget dreams. I think the important
takeaway here, Mr Heeny is that isn't it good that
(44:45):
that you're not in a zoo? Yeah? It is. I'm
just really glad. I've never been able to go to
a psychologist or psycho therapy, whatever you are. This is great.
I hope it's covered on my health insurance. Psychotherapist, you
didn't check that ahead of time. If it's covered, well,
I'm hoping that just the sense of letting me in
means it's covered. Okay, that's something from my reception, like
(45:05):
I don't I don't handle. You'll wake up in five, four,
three to one. Oh my gosh, Richie, No, James, we're
all here waiting for you. It's the James Reunion. Oh gosh.
(45:25):
So okay, and you're James, and you're James, and I'm
James James. I'm James James. I'm the real James. You
know what, there's only enough room for one all right, Stephanie,
Well you've really proven your responsibility with these frogs. So
(45:48):
I told you your father and I we got you.
We didn't get you a dog, but we did get
you a James Keen And what was that? I was disappointed?
Oh really, I thought you would be so excited my
last check. It was his very last page check. What's
your last check? Nobody had that gig with the musicians.
Just want a dog, not a word? Guy covered in
(46:11):
blood so cute, it's really it's the last one of
his kind. Yeah, I made sure that I was really
the last one this time. I'm a pretty responsibility for
a kid. Well that's why exactly where you kind it's
my last page check that you don't understand you're just
a kid. But it's okay. I'll give you a hug,
(46:31):
thank you, thank you. Don't hug him your mind that
I'm just just generally usually nice guy. I want something loyal.
I'm loyal. You should feed him. He's probably starving. I
am starving, and i'd just food like you know, like
corn an no no, no, not kipple, like Kimble's food,
(46:54):
like chicken. I can't eat that. And you're all for
the need to kill Jay, I mean run James, run
Georgia's salamanders. You look at that little listard. What are
you killing it? I gotta go fund working kill Please
(47:15):
don't leave us a kid. What happened. Look, I'm gonna
leave us kid, and I'm gonna get the little and
then I'm gonna go all right, I won't. I won't
forgive you this time. Come on, don't say that I
love you the salamander. I can't eat eat the salamander.
(47:44):
It's just as bad as I thought. Thank you, And
that's our show over today. Let's go around and say, well,
we're up to Alchemist Carla Kaski Carla Kakowski dot com,
Vanessa Raglan. Yeah, I'm sorry about the show guy. What
(48:07):
a weird thing everyone just had to go through. I
love you. I don't have anything to plug, not on
this episode. I'm not who you think I am. Craig Kakoski.
If you got kids, like in the six to ten range,
they might enjoy a show called Archibald's Next Big Thing,
(48:27):
which is uh Starry on Netflix in September that I
do some of the voices. It's a very cute and
sweet show that Tony Hale created the particular archibald and
one of the nicest human beings in the world. That
Tony Oh yeah, yeah, Tony Hall is to James had
(48:47):
I'd just like to take a chance. Well, I was
proposing to all the people that listened and did the
did the refuse? We got scrowdy war to really really
Isaac fifty seven CRM thirty one. Wait, did you say
we got scroty want us? Because we've been needing a
(49:10):
review from peoplady wanting and we got one would star
Wars characters. I don't know we got til twelve Tissel.
I guess to you guys all left reviews like a
good good thank you. It was really nice of them
to open. It doesn't mean something that I'm unfamiliar with.
(49:33):
Its yeah, it's it is scroty what appear heart, But
people should leave us reviews and that's so nice that
people they did that. Someone said that I was forcing
them to do it, and I'm okay with that. It
wasn't you was one of the other James he needs
(49:53):
Joey Greer. I just want to go with James said,
and thank you for everyone left review and classy move
joy check out Bear supply and pretty Pretty Ponny, what's
that coming with your Yeah, pretty pretty Punny the last
sec first first Thursday every month at ten pm. I'm
at Cole Stratton or at Stratton Cold, depending on the
(50:16):
social media platform. Uh yeah, and check out Pretty Pretty
Pony and this here show. Also thanks to our engineer
Doug Babe, our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, our
producers Sophie Lichtman, and lastly I Heart Media, Sumpumum, Loose Milk,
(50:37):
Get Loose Milk, acroach. All of you to write a review.
Like we said before, tell everyone you've ever met and
write to us with your scene suggestions and whatever else.
At your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com until next time.
(51:00):
I already wanted his pretty wear
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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