February 16, 2021 • 61 mins
Pretentious LA Farmer’s Market
Elvis impersonator books a gig at an Elvish convention
Rivalry between skydivers and bungee jumpers
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen
one edition, and your host Cold Stratton in for Kevin
poll Quick, but you've a snowed in someplace. Let's meet
our alchemist Shelley. In no particular order other than the
order that I reversed. It's Joey Greer. Hey, Joey uh
you ever dest with the devil of Calvin Light? I have? Yeah,
(00:25):
I have? How is he? I'll tell you what he
does not like to be led? I will say that
right now. It was a confrontational dance confrontation. What's the
what's that? Uh fiddle capad Georgia. Yes, it was with
the first Soul to steel. He was in the Bui
(00:45):
because he was way behind. He was willing to make
a deal. They jumped up on a hickory stuff. We said, boy,
it's James En. Everybody, James uh he. What's one skill
you wish you had? Just something you've never been able
to get a hangout, but you really wish you could do.
I wish I could sit in front of a Mac
computer and have the same skills I have in front
(01:05):
of a PC. And that carries on also over to
iPhones like I can't. There's no buttons on an iPhone,
but I can't use it. I don't know if they
have telekinetic powers that they're using it. It's frustrating. It
would change my life if I could use a Mac.
They have tutorials and things. It's not I'm too old
to learn a new trick. Cole all right, that makes sense.
(01:28):
Hey everybody, it's Chris Alvarado. Hey Chris. If you can
win an award in any field, any sort of reward award,
what would you want? Best actor of all time at
the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Swords. That's funny because it hurts,
you know what I mean? Laughed at me. So, I mean,
(01:50):
it's the means you can get signed better than anybody ever.
I have been. I have been signed by official Nickelodeon Sligne.
That is a true Let you know, that's a good
X dude. You and uh, last, but surely not least,
Craig Kiki Kowski. Craig, if you could learn a fighting
(02:14):
or self defense style and be like super good at it,
what would it be? Oh krofmgaw. Oh yeah, krav magaw.
And I don't even know what it is really, but
it's I mean it's fun to say, and it'd be
fun to say that I'm good at it. Wait a minute,
is it pronounced mega o? No? Not that one there
(02:45):
really thought about this one, reluctant black belt. All right,
let's do a damn show. All of our scene suggestions
are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon va
p s. To become a Patreon supporter of the show
and enjoy exclusive content and other perks, just head on
over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd
like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please write
(03:06):
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at seen. One comes
from Patreon v I P. Crispy L, who wrote, Hi, Kevin,
I know you don't need or want me to make
more suggestions right now, but bite me, pretentious L. A
(03:28):
farmer's market does christy scene suggestion workshops chairs all, Crispy?
All right? So this is organic, honey. It's only from
the most organic piece available, so like it's everything of
the rusty. It's really crusty, honey, you know it's organic.
(03:51):
I mean a lot of that store bust stuff has
like pesticized and perservatives in there that make it all
smooth and taste better. But this stuff right here is
organic a hundred percent from only the motion. But I
want to be able to spread this out on a
peanut butter and honey sandwich. And this is like it's
gonna problem, no problem. So you just let this ship
(04:12):
out in the bathtub with boiling water borth about six.
That should just melt immediately. It's like super easy. I
don't think you know what the word immediately means, sir,
that's not immediately. Well, to be fairer, like in the
scope of like Earth and time seven hundred billion years,
(04:33):
and while we're here, I don't think a couple of
hours is that long. Alright, I'll have one. What's the
units of cell that you have? Well, right here, I
got a pint? We do six quarts? Or I could
do I do one? I did just just bucket that
my girlfriend made. Do I get a bulk discount or yeah,
(04:54):
totally okay, I'll have Okay, so I'll get a well,
I'll get a I coulda oh gosh, I coulda what's
the thing in between the bucket and the point uh
six courts or something? I forgot get the six courts,
and the crystals aren't in cell today. If you buy one,
(05:16):
you get too free, and that's pretty rare, pretty rare,
uh selle I'm doing today. Um, I do have to
let you know. It's because I have stopped believing in
the crystals. So so is it a bogged No, not
not bogged. They've all been suncharged. I'm sorry, I said, bugged.
(05:36):
That's buy one, get to that's the thing. Well you know,
bogo right by one, get one? No, Um, hold on,
this is I know, no need to appalled. You're teaching
me things. I'm teaching you things. I think this is
(05:57):
pretty special. Bog bugged. You're saying you've lost faith in
the crystals. Yes, yes, I don't believe they worked, but
they have been sun charged and moon charged. Um so
they are as far as levels go, they're up there. Okay,
but you don't believe that that does anything. I mean,
(06:18):
it's a long story, but the short of it is,
manifestation is a joke. And no matter how much you
believe and how much you want, some things just don't
come to you. And that feels like bullshit. So I'm done.
I have to say, you have the nicest, most elaborate
tint of any vendor here. Thank you, thank you. Um.
The silk is from a far away land. Um. I
(06:41):
also don't believe in that land anymore, nor do I
believe in the silk. So that's if you want this.
This is boxed as well. Hey, Gale, any sales today
you move in those crystals? No, Teresa, not not yet.
But I'm I'm in the middle of a cell right now.
Are you offering a box or a box? What's the bugs?
(07:01):
By one? Get four? No? I didn't offer the box.
If you're doing oh yeah, I am. I I do
the wind chimes next door. They're made out of recycled
tin cans and they can find water. Okay, so is
it by one set of wind chimes? I get four
sets of witches? Right? That's right. It's the sets, not
the individual chimes. That would be kind of a shyster move. No,
(07:23):
it's that you can go get them. They're they're all there.
That might be more wind chimes than I need. Do
you have you have the wind chimes? Oh yeah, I
gotta take four. I don't want four wind chimes. Four
sets of wind chimps um I'm with the I'm with
the Farmer's Market Association, and we've noticed that your cherry
(07:46):
tomatoes glow and i'd like to see a certification of
organic broke so I don't see any I'm looking around
at your table and it looks like you get an
allergic reaction on your tongue or look flame. You don't
make fun of me. Okay, I have here tomatoes, that's what.
(08:10):
Just have one of these tomatoes you, honestly, it'll just
that guy. He's disgusting you stop it. This is this
is just a normal tongue. Okay, it's my mouth that's small,
and I've got a normal tongue with a small mouth.
I want to see your organic certification here because these
cherry tomatoes are glowing. There we go all right here
(08:30):
now too. For the record, these are organic cherry tomatoes.
But I have led lights inside. Oh well, that's that's
actually that it's a violation that the rules that once
you put light inside of it is if no longer organic.
You're telling what you're talking about? You what do you mean?
You can't shut me down? This is my business. That's
sound like productive license? There? Do you think that led
(08:52):
lights are organic. The guy's mouth looks gross. You shut up,
you shut up? What's it's the same guy? Just keep
doing the circles around the tent. Look, I can't shut
this tent down. This is this is my this is
my livelihood. Please I can shut this tent down. I'll
shut it down right now. I got that kind of power.
(09:12):
What do you about, my tongue? What do you want?
What do you need? Uh? Well, I want to. I
want to. I want a hundred dollar bill right now,
just right now, and I'll walk away. Give me a
hundred dollar bill right now, and I would walk away. Okay, okay, okay, here, okay, okay,
roll it up and put it while I'm priced to
(09:34):
see Montsanto has a tent here? What's um? What's the deal?
These are all genetically modified orgasm organisms. So I energetically
modified orgasm last night and I'm still thinking about it. Nice? Nice, Um.
(09:56):
So you're just saying fuck you to the whole thing,
and you're just coming out and say, yeah, these had
been modified. Yeah, yeah, and tons of pesticide on all
these tomatoes. But look at the size on them. That's huge.
That's huge. Man, Bite into this, Yeah, that's five bucks
(10:19):
with tomato. You just date. Oh my wait, hold on,
I'm having a genetically modified orgasm. Oh fuck, that's amazing. Right,
is this what chemicals do? Yeah? They make everything taste better.
Five books, five bucks? That's that's all you're asking for? This? Yeah?
You on our app? God damn it. When I find
(10:43):
a spot, i'll park. Okay, when you just stopped, now,
give me jesus, both of you stop. Okay, I know
I need to find a spot. Okay, I'm looking for one.
I said we should get up at five am. Did
I say that? Didn't I say this, get five am
to get over there. But you want to stay in
and sleep in because it's a Sunday. It is a Sunday.
(11:03):
I'm sorry. But also, Heathcliff had to have his Captain crunch. Okay,
God damn it. Well that crap you're giving him? You know,
when we can. The reason we go to Farmers Markets
because it's the only place in l A. We're able
to get organic produced and other goods made by real
people who care about us, right, who care about what
we do and eat. All right, that's enough. I've had it.
(11:24):
I have had it, rich, I have I'm gone I'm
taking Heathcliff and I'm going you know you gonna you've
been talking, We're gonna talk a roll out right now. Okay,
you brought this on yourself. And by the way, I've
been sleeping with your brother. He has genetically modified orgasms
and they are I've been sleeping with my brother too.
(11:48):
Hey what's up, dude? What are you? What are you
doing here? It's late? Look, man, I knew a place
to crash. Dude, that happened one time. Okay, that happened
one time. No, man, don't no, Look man, look I
I broke up with um with moonfly. Oh, I see
(12:10):
you can't double you can't double park out here. I'm
not I'm gonna move in a second. I think you
gotta move, man. I think there's like there's tons of
spots on the street. Okay, okay, okay, okay, look, I
gotta move my car. Probably probably don't come back to
you because I feel I'm still done over. You know
what us? Oh dude, you know what? Man? This is
a bs You guys a couple. You look exactly alike. Yeah,
(12:34):
we're brothers, brothers. Jesus, Wait, what do you what is that?
Why does that freak you out, sir. Look, I'm gonna
find a spot. I'll text you when I find a spot.
Probably just go, probably, just go. Probably don't stop, Mr
man Santo, Mr Man Santo, Um coming from there? You are,
(13:01):
you're like two ft tall. I'm not two ft tall. Okay,
there's no way, and there's no way I'm two ft tall.
Mr Montanto, you haven't really been honoring the agreement that
we had when you first set up. Shut up. See,
let me just fold up this little chair. Here, there
(13:24):
we go. That's it's a big tongue, but it's the
normal thigh. I'm gonna brun this operating for you. You're
not gonna be allowed at the farmer's market anymore. All right,
call me Clyde, right, Clyde, Clyde. You're behind on the
(13:45):
money that you're supposed to give me. I'm a pretty
big deal here at the farmer's market, all right. What
what is mon Santo? Oh you well, it seems like
this is the third week that you should have given
me a hundred dollar bill, and so I'd say three hundred.
But that's being nice because some people would give interest
or threaten someone. Maybe I would bring somebody to break
(14:07):
your kneecaps. All right, all right, let me take out
my wad. What was it? Three hundred two d three hundred?
Don't throw it on the floor. Everybody think you're dwarfed
by those bills? Excuse me? Are you? Are you giving
away cash? Hey? This time here is giving away cash?
(14:27):
How much for the hundred? Uh? I'll do a hundred
for for two hundred? Great? Hell yeah? How much doing
a hundred dollar bills? For two hundred bucks? I have
a five hundred. I can make change, all right? Said?
(14:51):
Hell yeah? Can I get an hour lick one of
these tomatoes while you're here? Now, it's going to my
attention that you've been going around the farmers marketing storting
other vendors. Is that, Craig? I'm what I'm doing is
I'm making it so list be honest. Some of the
organic stuff is really boring. And when you bring in
(15:14):
some pizzas, we're getting a lot of people coming in.
It's helping the organic community. Where did you go? I
just saw you? And now where are you? I'm right here,
right here, dad? Dad? Can I go play? Let me
out of your pocket? No, no, no, you stay in
the pocket because I can't be I can't trust you
to run around out here. Okay, stay there. Do you
(15:36):
have a kid in your pocket? I have a child
in my pocket. But my mistake is there someone in
your some sort of a kangaroo. It's a child. I'm
a human being. Okay, man, man, I just saw you
and your child roll out of that car. Are you okay? Yeah? Yeah,
I'm all right. I'm okay, Heathcliff, you all right? I
(16:00):
still have to go to the bathroom. You should have
gone on the roll. I just uh, can I help
you with anything? Or you both seem to be fine?
You rolled well? Thank you? That mean's a lot. What
are you single? Or that's a crazy question to ask. Yeah,
I'm also a stuntman. Wow. Any any notable productions you've
(16:26):
worked on that I from? Yeah? Yeah, let's see. I
have the television and film What do you watch? More
movies or TV? I watched them both, but mostly movies,
mostly movies, mostly movies. Okay, I'm getting credits. Give me
one second. Um. I ever heard of the movie called
(16:48):
Point Break? Yes, I love I wasn't. I wasn't in
Point Break, but my buddy was in Point Break. He
got me a gig right, a non union gig right. Basically,
I punched a bunch of liminum cans as hard as
I could for a commercial, a non union spot for
about recycling. That's great. I hope to see that one day.
(17:09):
Im sorry, I missed it. No, I have a VHS
copy at my place if you oh, let's go there
right now. But about the kid, the hell? Man, you
said you're gonna be at the Informer's organ all day.
This is my time. Man, It's just I got a guest. Man,
I got a guess. Man, I got sucking hard drugs
out on the table. Man, they're a cop. They're gonna
(17:31):
fucking get me. Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, look at me
and look at me. Hey, hey, remember when I was
talking about manifestation. Yeah, man, you said I can manifest
and thinking my body to punch out of it. Man,
freaked me out. Man, I was spiraling. Man, it was true.
I've manifested this woman here. She came rolling out of
(17:52):
a car right in front of me. You're a fucking warlock, man,
I've said it since the day I missed you. Man,
you got powers, came get out of here here. What
was you gonna get moonfly, Moonfly. Yeah. I don't know
what they were thinking, but moonfly. So okay, let's see here,
(18:14):
looking for a feet just here, got a lot of
copies of stuff around here. Can't you do puzzles at
the puzzle? Alright? Every coat? Here? We got pancakes? You hungry?
All right? There we go? Oh here it is, Oh grant,
I can't wait to see this. Have a seat right
there on the floor. You can just move the stuff around. Great.
(18:36):
Recycling is an important issue, one that affects every Angelina.
Recycling can help save up to seven up it could.
Recycling is one yeah, yeah, yeah, So that was me
punching all the cans. You can tell that's really impressive.
(18:59):
Have you taking natural up there? I'm sorry, boss, it's
a non union spot. I got a non union stunt guy,
a non union voiceover guy. That's as good as you're
gonna get. This is why people hate recycling. Bill. Yeah,
I mean we we only could do one take on
each and they both made terrible mistakes. But you know
(19:22):
we should never have shot this on sixteen and giving
you one reel. Well, I'm just trying to build credits.
I'm non union myself. All right, well we'll have to
roll with it. Then it's only gonna air three times,
so we might as well get it out there. Okay,
and it's on VHS and vinyl. I'm a sousa who
(19:46):
wants to get rubbed down. Come on, Hi, Hi, Thomas.
Oh we got one. Look at me, Look at me.
I'm throwing a little line there, ye really yeah? Go
on going on? What do you want? What do you want?
Your neck? Your eyes? What's going on? Um? I kind
of want the works. Um. I used to work at
that tent right over there selling crystals. I don't believe anymore.
(20:09):
So I was thinking, this is my last time here
I've been. I've seen you week after week, and you
perform magic with those fingers. I want the works, all right?
All right, well, you know, since you're a vendor, you
get you got it, you got it? So what just
laid down face down here on this slab right here?
(20:30):
Can I lay face up, face up? That option? Oh
for sure? Yeah, if you want to live face let
me just actually get another bench in here, because the
one I got a little face hole poked out, you
know what I mean. So let me just get this
little table out here. You get my wife and I
massage last week and she's blind. Now you back up,
you knew what she signed up for? Okay? Do you
know what she signed up for? Okay? Did she signed
(20:52):
it a disclaimer? She signed up verbally and in the
state of last Angels, that's a legal binding contract. Did
you say what I'm saying? What kind of monster sticks
his fingers into somebody's eyes and needs them? Who knows who?
(21:14):
Crystal guy? You you sold me five crystals for the
price of one last week a buck? Yeah? Yeah, and
that's that f and Bog sends for fuck you because
those crystals don't work, okay, and that's our spot for
the farmer's market costs. We only had one take. It's
pretty bad. Um Should I just air it one time?
(21:36):
What the hell is that? That beast story with the
two brothers? Okay? And that's our first that see really
literally headed off? Alright. See it's from newly minted Patriot.
(21:59):
I'll come eACT Mylorasco show here right here, I'll start
all right, see too? Why did they hear the from
(22:24):
our really minted patreon Alchemedia Mike Dorrasco wrote this one's
for Kevin. Okay, Okay, let's try this again. How about
an Elvis impersonator mistakenly books a gig at an Elvish convention.
Hope it makes the cut. Get my best to the gang.
Keep on making that funny m hm. And I'd like
(22:45):
to see your badge. If you've got a badge for
the expo, now is the time to show it. And
you shall pass the gates into the convention. He man,
I don't got a bad man, oh I um, so
you'll need to sign up for the convention on the
(23:06):
app And man, excuse me, isn't my hips enough to
give me? You're not dressed appropriately for the convention. This
is the Sherwood Elvish Convention of two thousand twenty one.
Not dressed appropriately? Did you want the sixty eight comeback
(23:27):
special or early? M oh, let me keep my let
me keep my senior ELF manager l Ron l Ron. Um,
Maybe I have to deal with this myself, l Ron
l Ron Harbor. Matt is he here? That's not funny?
So okay, you know what? I love those books? Yes,
(23:50):
who calls for Elron el Ron? This this gentleman here
doesn't have He has neither the outfit, nor the ears,
nor all the Elvish accent. Honestly, he doesn't even have
a badge for the convention. He does appear darker than
a normal elf. What what type of health be Ye?
(24:12):
I'll be the entertainment comment, you know, I'll go out
there and entertain everybody. You know what I'm saying, entertainment? Well,
could this be our entertainer for the day. This can't
be out ron well, man, they told me to come here. Man,
I can go check with my book at agent man,
but this is where I was supposed to go. You know,
(24:33):
do do ye sing? Do ye dance? Do I sing?
Do a dance? Man? That's all I do? Many want?
You want all a little taste? Sure? Sure, well your
name is l Ron right, I'll work it into the thing. Man,
Are you l wrong tonight? Is this a convention tonight? Yes?
(24:55):
It is. Yeah. I'm stuck on the flour. You away
right now? Okay, my engine just blew out. I gotta truck.
Foolish goddamn l freaks, and they're they're supposed to got
they got a gig. They gotta play at a thing.
So I need a toe truck now, all right, I
need one, Now you understand. Look that's not how it works. Buster.
You don't just call us and demand something. Okay. If
(25:17):
we got an available truck, we send you in an
available truck. But if there's no trucks available, it doesn't
matter how much you scream. Also, it's illegal to be
carting human beings in the back of a truck like that. Okay,
so you're putting human trafficking. I'm a human said the word,
you said the words? Okay, I'm a bust driver, man,
all right, A right, run a private company, okay, I
run my own company. Okay, okay, what's okay, what's the
(25:39):
name of the company. Roy's Trucking. We move people across
any state line Roy's Trucking, and that's your slogan. Yeah, okay, alright, okay, alright, alright,
no problems, no problems here, Okay here man, I got people. Okay, alright.
How important is this? It's important to them and they're
(26:02):
freaking out. They gotta play the stupid convention or something
like that. Don't the hell it is? Where are you at?
What freeway? I can't really tell it all the sides.
Just gotta mostle over. Okay, what's uh? What's weird? Turned down?
This like Wooden Road. I wanted to this deep deep
forest forest. Yeah yeah, I mean the trees are like
(26:25):
hundreds of feet high. You feel like you're small, right,
teeny tiny man, I'm telling you right now, hey roight, yeah,
your life has just changed. Be threatening me. You're in Sherwood.
I gotta go. But hello, what god damn it? Uh?
(26:51):
Listen up for musicians? Excuse me? How much longer till
we get to the convention? A little longer, a little longer.
There's a weird now, yeah about all we all mouth
like that? Alright, calm down, alright, Lvi's listen. And we
(27:15):
had a toad truck coming. But for the time being,
I think we should all just scatter and our own
thing until the toad truck comes. This terrible idea, what
friend you need? You seem to be out of place
here and show it. For the hell is this guy doing?
Robin Hood? Okay, I get some amazement park or something
(27:38):
like that. I see you. Yeah, like, I don't know, buddy,
do I looking amusing? My blush just broke down, all right?
Be you with the sheriff of notting him? No, I
don't don't deal with the law. I got a lot
of felonies on my ass. We got a lot of
priors me too, robbin these poor people, don't these elves man,
(28:04):
you took them from the bus. Now we're giving them
out to four people. Look, there were no coins or
uh anything. That's all I have of value is this.
But I did rob from the rich and give to
the poor these elves. Yeah, I'm sorry interrupt, but what
that was up with these tights? Huh? And I feel
like I wanted like a burlap sack with that was
(28:25):
my jeans and my button down. Well, little John, you
you've put on a lot of weight in the last year.
Your tights are not always going to fit. Yeah, okay,
we'll just give me my jeans. All right, that's all
I'm saying. Can you can you call me Roy? What's
up with this little John ship? Your little John? Now? Okay?
We don't we wear tights. I don't like when people
(28:45):
call me little you understand, looks it's an ironic name.
You're the largest man here, damn right, I am your
damn right, I am all right now. Look I'm gonna
eat the rush of that turkey leg wherever the hell
that is. Okay, And I don't want to. No one
bothered me until we go for my nap. Okay, okay, now,
this is uh Jerry O'Connell Live with CBS two Action
(29:10):
for you news. You've fallen far Jerry O'Connell. What do
you mean you don't You don't gotta tell me what
the actor Jerry O'Connell was in. I know all of
his movies, but I am at the high i'm doing.
You're not j connell the actor. No, Jerry O'Connell, the newscaster,
(29:32):
the actor. You're okay, I'm live. Sorry, I'm on the
air right now. I'm terribly sorry. No, actually, stick around,
stick around? No you are you aware that people call
this area the Bermuda Triangle of the woods. Yeah, you are, okay,
(29:52):
because it seems that cars, people, and most recently an
entire bus of people have gone missing from around this area.
Are you familiar with that? Anyone to see Jerry O'Connell.
He went on an assignment and no one could find him.
Jerry Odal the actor. No, Jerry O'Connell is just one end.
He's our news reporters that you know. We decided to
(30:14):
cover the convention and that was two weeks ago. Alright,
the Elvish convention. That was a big deal. I wonder
why we didn't have a story on that. Yeah, it's
it's weird, man. It's like he there's that one point
off Highway thirty five where it's just a lot of
things go missing. Yeah, I find only vhs is. Do
(30:38):
you want me to toss him? No? No, no, keep those.
Keep those are gonna be worth something one day. Okay.
Do you want me to digitize him? Um? No, just
keep them, put him in the box, right time capsule
on it, and bury it in the back yard. Just
just cardboard box. Yep, just that one for some duct
tape on it, right time capsule. Right. I love a project. Thanks,
(31:01):
you're welcome. Wait, but what was on the tapes? She's gone,
She's good. We'll never know. We well know twenty five
years when I guess we will. Yeah, when I told
them taking up so l Ron and the Twinkleberry, whatever
the hell your name is listening? It is? Okay? Great? Yeah,
(31:24):
Look I'm going over the budgets right here, and y'all
didn't sell enough tickets, so I might have to shut
this down. Wron, This can't be true. Did we had
to sell enough tickets to cover the prices. Do not
traffic in the currency of man? All right, Well, you're
in man's world, so we do. Okay. Oh maybe if
(31:49):
I had a couple, Maybe if I had a hundred dollars,
Let this hundred dollars, hundred dollars. Mm hmmm, do it? Hey, man,
you're saying you can't pay me. Man, you guys don't
have the money. What was it? Your elves do not
traffic in the currency of man? All right, what are
(32:10):
you trafficking? Then it does? Does? That's how health thing
man does. What everyone is trying to say is when
we originally booked the Elvish group, we would have pulled
in all of the people we needed it. And your
substitution just was no substitute for the original gig. I
(32:31):
had to take three trains to get here, man, I mean,
come on, I got some costs I gotta recoup. I mean,
you clearly have aged elvestone age. You're an old have
you set? I don't know how to say this. You're
not an elf. We know you're not an elf. Well, man,
you're not gonna pay me, and you're gonna stop me.
Funked up man, I'm just trying to let you know
why we don't have the money to pay you is
(32:54):
you have failed our convention. I failed it, man. Those
fourteen people here man, and that's not me. It's not
a good turnout. That's that's true. It's a bad turnout.
But but I think that it's because they knew that
there was not an Elvish band playing. And I don't
know what the hell you're supposed to be but three
(33:14):
and a half hours up there, and every time I
tried to set you kept saying keep going. You did
the pool thing like like, you know, keep going? What
was that? Men? I ran out of songs, Run Berry Star,
twinkled Berry Berry. It's come true. It's come true. We
(33:34):
have we have confirmation of a land very close to
here that is all for us, all for us, an
invisible land. It's just right off. Please tell me more.
That's all that got. I've got a lift waiting, it's
it's running. We can jump in now and go to
(33:55):
this land and live the way we were supposed to
live live forever. Okay, we'll table these negotiations for now
and we're going to explore this magical land. Off oft five.
You can come, sir, would you like to join us?
I got no money in it. Wait, wait, wait, we
can't take him. He's not an elf. Look at him.
(34:17):
He's he's a fat man that has a poorly dressed sequence.
Actually they're not that bad, but it's definitely not elvish clothes.
Why are you doing this, Tom, You're not don't you
work at don't you say name long ago? Look at him?
Look at us. Okay, I'm hopping in this lift. Join
(34:40):
me if you want, Tom. I told you if this
convention was a super success, I'd say great, whatever and
we keep moving forward. But I'm sorry. You've invested two
years of your life into this and it didn't work out.
You have to realize that you have to drop the
accent and stop wearing those clothes around the house, Jennifer.
First year is to establish it. The second year it's
(35:03):
wood of mouth. Jennifer, Tom, you're from Minnesota. You don't
talk like this. I'm from the North. I'm the North Helf,
all right, And if you're not careful, you won't be
able to come. We're going off the wooden Road on
to the land of elves. This is the Internet's fault.
This is crazy you weren't, like, since you're a software engineer, Okay,
(35:26):
that's what you do software software. Hey, yeah, there's something
going wrong on my desktop. The software keeps crashing. So
I'm just calling this number to get some help. You
know what could be up? It's it's meat, Tom Okay, great, Tom? Um,
(35:48):
what's wrong with it? I'm sorry, it's just spent a
long time since I Okay, So you're having some software problems. Yeah,
it's just it keeps crashing my computer. Okay. Have you
tried powering down your computer? Yeah? I did that first
of all. I mean, I look, this is a this
(36:09):
is a Max. I don't know how to work at Mac.
I only know how to use PCs. If I only
knew how to work a Max would be amazing, But
I don't. I can't even work my phone. I don't
know why. I don't have an Android. I have an iPhone.
I can't make it make calls. How do what do
we do? Okay? Well, if you've got a Mac, what
I would suggest you do is you plug in a
(36:29):
USB device to the bottom part so you have a
keyword because that one button doesn't work for these issues. Um,
everybody who has made it tea into the Sherwood Forest.
Gather around, gather around. Now some of you are three
people welcome. Others are out. We have robin Hood in
the back. Huh, mr looking nice. We have done it.
(36:54):
We have made forget the proud feet, Oh God, I
and the proud feats. The proud feats are recognized. Now
we are here to celebrate, and we have the entertainer
of a lifetime. Everybody puts your don't forget the rock people. Okay,
(37:18):
people are recognized. I'm saying all in happenings of Surewood Forest. Rejoice.
And now the whispers of the leaves whispers. We do
not recognize you. You were not recognized. Leave cry as
you leave, now, ladies, people, Hey, dude, what the hell
(37:45):
is that up there? Dude, it's just the last I
just started sucking breaking down. Man. You know, I believe
in this forest we live in obviously I live here,
you know. But I mean, we wrote everyone down. Why
didn't you just take the list up? Why do you
want to win? Get? I don't know. I thought there
would be more over, like an organic experience, people would
feel seen and recognize. But instead I shipped the bed.
(38:07):
And then and then I started singing as you know,
and that nobody like that. And then and then they
started throwing the Hey guys, I'm sorry, everybody's getting on.
Really you're gonna try it to get Jerry O'Connell. I
don't think that. I think I think maybe you should
dry this. Jerry. It's you, Jerry. This is what you
were born to do. Fun. I think in the other
(38:30):
world I was, but here I'm not. Maybe here I'm
supposed to be, you know, a hunter or something. This
is your job. Just recognized the people, recognized them, and
then get to the entertainment. You'll do fine, Okay, okay.
I hear them shouting, though. I hear them shouting the
(38:50):
musical act. Hello, it's me. I'm back. Jerry O'Connell. No, no, no,
well kind of anyway, is he? Guest host Wendy william
didn't he. This is not about me. This is about
you and us, the beings of the Sherwood Forest. Now,
(39:11):
without further ado, I present to you recognize the proud defeat.
We have already been to the proud feet, proud feet.
I've been recognized, and now I don't fog about the
rock people rock you know what you know what I
(39:32):
have t gotten about the rock people. Rock people? Talk
to me? How how are the rock people feeling today?
Don't don't do a little? Stone? Very funny, very funny,
very funny, very funny. I get Stone once. I got
Stone once? Who is the musical act? Jerry? The hell
(39:59):
was that drug story? That was crazy? That was a
crazy story. Man. I was just ripping. I was ripping.
I thought being vulnerable would be relatable. You said you
used the dead guy as a bomb? What the hell was?
I want to lie. That's a wild man. He was
my brother. Okay, I didn't say that part. I didn't
(40:20):
say that I had sex a relationship with him. No,
I didn't tell that was what the cherry? What do
you do? Oh? Man, man, I don't know how we're
going to spend this man, this is bad. Man. I'll
tell you how I got the best entertainer of all time.
He's waiting right back to age soon as they bring
what I couldn't he got Bruno, Lord, no part of
(40:47):
me out there and tell him you got Bruno Mars
do all right? Hold on, okay, hold on, hold on,
Mr Presley, can you do any Bruno Mars music? I
know if you tune, But I just gotta use the
restroom right now. Well, I'll be right out. Okay, Hey, everybody,
we feel in We getting Nancy feeling weird, excited for
(41:09):
brutal Mars. That's right, that's right. You know, when I
think of the word Mars, I think about her space,
And when I think about her space, I think about
a time I made out with my brother in the
weirdest way out of here. What's going on? Did you
ever did you ever send that car out to that
(41:31):
bus or no? No, nobody was available. That's our second.
C three is who wrote, Hi, Kevin. I know this
isn't expected, but just wanted to thank you all for
(41:52):
doing my suggestion hilarious. I know you don't have the
shortest of suggestions, but here's one anyway, the rivalry between
sky divers and bungee jumpers. Thanks again, Andre. So the
history of this bridge goes back all the way to
eighteen twenty two when Juggededaiah Foreigner decided to make the bridge. So,
(42:15):
so it's a it's a it's a it's a huge.
I mean you can bungee or sky dive off. That's
how it's all it is. I mean, we're looking at
about six mile high bridge. That's how how you up?
You are? Excuse me? Which which one do you do? Oh? Well,
you know, I just do tours, guided tours through here,
So that's that's that's what I don't do either. But
(42:36):
I will say this, I say, be worn all ye
who crossed paths with either, because it gets intense. Extreme
sporters are intense about their craft. What was That's a
fucking bungee jumper? Nothing? Nothing? Okay, here, let's keep on
because let me just let me just listen. I came
(42:56):
along for the tour because I like bridges, but as
a sky high her I don't want anybody to be
misled by this asshole. You skydive from the sky, your
base jump from a high place. If somebody jumped off
this bridge, it would be base jumping. Sorry, sir, uh
your tour. If I can't trust what you say, then
why would I listen to you the rest of the
I'm walking I'm walking away. I don't want to do
(43:17):
this tour anymore. I mean, I guess, but I mean
technically anything's a sky right, So all right, let's just
keep on moving down here. And if you look at
this pylon, now, can anyone tell me what difference does
this pylon have that other ones don't. Oh, yeah, it's
only you know me. Um, did foreigner find this pylon too? Yes?
(43:42):
He did. Yes, So this is actually when you come
with me, we're not gonna take this tour anymore. Let's go.
Let's go, We're going think. Come on, this guy is
an asshole. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Have
a good one, have fun on your tour alone, buddy. Yeah, oh,
magnificent bridge jubber dyah, you've done amazing work here. But
(44:05):
why are you so close to the edge. I've built
this bridge six miles in the sky to jump off
of it? Wait what jump a diet? No, you can't
survive that, it's six miles Ah. But I have tied this, uh,
this rubbery string to me. Rubbery string. I don't think
(44:31):
it could hold you. Well, we'll see about that when
if the bridge jubb Mrs Forner, I'm so sorry, but
your husband his feet snapped right off at the bottom
of his legs when he bunged down from the bridge,
and yeah, he'd be bloed out when when he did
(44:54):
what a bungee in't a word we're throwing around, and
do you think it sticks? What is it? Um? How
do I describe this? It bungees like Um, I guess
bunges the cord? How do I say this? My Jebediah
used a chord. Why didn't he just jump without a cord? Well,
(45:16):
then he surely died. Not not at all, sir. Surely
you can make some type of contraption that would slow
him down before you hit the bottom. Interesting, some kind
of shoot, Yeah, some kind of before shoot dive through
the sky. That's more extreme and better than sky dive.
(45:41):
Shoot at the para sky dive. Will you do me
a favor? Anything? Will you die from the sky using
a shoot of para? For me? Of course? Anything for you. Jeez,
get your hand off me. My husband, just I thought
that was I thought that was my my ankle about that,
(46:03):
that was my chance? Oh I I'm breaking this bridge down,
So no, you can't come out here, So go turn around.
We're breaking this bridge down. Somebody died up here. Yeah,
all right, we're gonna my husband who is your husband? Well,
(46:25):
trust me, we're gonna break this down. No one will
fall off of it again. So it's it should be
a Okay, it's dangerous, so I'd step back as we're
hammering this area. You know, it wouldn't be so dangerous
if perhaps you had a contraption that slowed you down,
if you were to tumble off the side of this
tumble off the side of the space here like for instance,
(46:46):
here hold onto this banana leaf and now I'll just
give you a little shove. So yeah, I mean that's
the first draft. But I feel like the town is
gonna love this. I mean, to get community theory involved,
the real true story Joko Dian how this all went down.
I mean, they're clamoring for Once people hear it, they're
(47:07):
gonna love it. I guarantee it's gonna be a state.
It's gonna be a staple of the town. I don't know,
we really had our hearts set on our town, isn't that.
I mean, our town just has a lot of roles
for everyone, and it's it's it's about a small town,
which is what we are. And this story is is
(47:28):
to be honest far fed Okay, Okay, maybe in the sky.
Look it's art. It's it's art history, alright. Sometimes you're
gonna stretch the truth, no pun intended. Okay, so you're
telling it as a true story. Now you're saying you're
stretching the truth. You're stretching the truth like a bunget
cord to be honest, and I know, getting these the
(47:51):
stage plots you've drawn up for us, there's no way
we have an auditorium big enough, nor do we have
the budget to construct that. We don't have the budget
art town require. There's no set souther than people's imagination.
Is it a city council? This is the city council. Okay,
and then I guess I get to speak. We're trying
to decide the community theater. Can you recognize me? Please?
(48:16):
I don't recognize you. Okay, I'd like to recognize you,
but right now I don't recognize you. Really this space,
you don't recognize me, Jerry O'Connell, know what, No, it's
not me? All right? How about this? Do you recognize this?
This motion where I leap up in the air and down?
You recognize me? Now leap up in the air down?
(48:37):
I don't. You can save us all a lot of
time if you just told us who you are that
we recognize many the bungee jumper idiots I'm the one
that illegally bungee jumps all over our small town. All right,
the chair recognizes Benji, the bungee jumper. Thank you. Now,
I'm here to say, we gotta put an end to
all these lunatic skydivers jumping into our town. Can I
(49:01):
get an ad? We're still working on the community theater season. Um,
if you'd like input in that, we'll do that right now. Okay,
Stomp stop. We don't have the budget or talent for
stomp alright. We we would like to do a musical.
We're thinking South Pacific. This play is going to change
(49:22):
the game. People are gonna know our town, not not
our town. They're gonna know, Hey, guys, put your cigarettes out.
Oh fuck, put it out on me, not on you.
Fuck fun Look, look, I know I'm the leader of
(49:45):
this bungee jumping gang. I knew I would tell you
that the way to fix the system is from within
the system. I went in there, nothing changed. Hey, Benji,
could I ask one little thing? Can we change the
name of our gang from the b j's. It's not
going well. I'm a lot of where looks all around town,
(50:05):
everyone's saying the suck and then they titter, you know
they do what they laugh You know they're laughing. Who's
doing that? The tittering? Who's doing that? Everybody around? Time? Listen,
(50:25):
here's what's going down tonight. Okay you guys, No, no, no, no, worse.
What the hell am I doing with all these presidents?
We're doing right in the sky. We're doing the fight
in the sky. One of us is gonna jump off
jebbidizel Bridge. I mean, I feel like we're gonna guy
(50:50):
at certain a certain point in the jump where we're
gonna meet the same speeding altitude as the sky diver.
Look at are you guys the one out? Hey? Look?
Is it me? Or is benj You just gone off
the deep end? Man? All right? I thought we joined
up the rub banks as a dead president's hunt, and
then we're going to travel the bridges across the US
(51:11):
and catch every big bungee man. Yeah, we don't have
a catch phrase. Every time we knock at the door
of a bank, open up and get ready for a
b Jr. Was so sick when you came up with
the jackets. Some money will get some money. I just
I don't want to do a sky fight. You know what?
Is that we're gonna die? Man, I'm done. Well, well,
(51:36):
well if it isn't Stevie sky Deaver, Look it's me, Benny.
I'm here to have this one on one meet with
you to settle the rules for tonight's sky fight. I'll
tell you so many times it's good. Okay, Stevie s
of a excuse? Alright, alright, I'm also a skydiver, but
(51:57):
that is my given name. It's French Eskeip you days,
keep you day, alright, alright, respect, respect, alright. So what
have we got? We got chains, blades, what are the rules? Firearms? Fists?
All right, we could do all those things, but it's
gonna weigh you down on the jump. And you don't
gotta worry about me. Okay, I'm tethered by a fucking rope, dude. Okay,
(52:20):
Now we're gonna settle this once and for all. Whoever lives,
well that'll be different dominant extreme sport here in the
small town. Whoever dies, well, let's just say they'll be dead.
Will you just come out to the bridge with me
tonight and I can do a live reading and you'll
get the atmosphere, you'll get the feeling. Okay, I'm telling you,
once you feel it outside on the bridge, you're gonna
(52:42):
be like, this is the play. We don't have time
to drive six miles into the sky to get to
this bridge. Were just then walk whatever you want to do.
We're not walking. No, okay, okay, look I got a bus.
When we all just piloted the bus, we go. Now
it's my gas were eating up? No one else's all right,
just come take my nephew. I'll take my nephew on
(53:03):
the on this little journey with you. Great kids are
gonna love it. Kids, you're gonna love it. Well, he'll
be the designer, and I don't really have the same
point of view as the kids these days, but I'll
i'll see if my nephew likes it. Anyone else want
to bring a remember, yeah, I mean I gotta I
(53:24):
gotta bus. I was like, I'll bring my wife. Okay,
I've already got my son in my pocket, so I
think I'm okay, do you get your son in your pocket? Yeah,
it's very little child. He's right here in my pocket. Kangaroo. No,
I'm a human, I'm not on ours. It's in my pocket,
all right, BJ's are we gonna come hard or what
(53:49):
always come hard? That's right, that's right, that's Benji. I
was talking with the guys and uh, first of all,
put your cigarettes sounds okay, look Benjy, we were talking
in we want to rob banks. Man, we don't want
(54:09):
to do this. We're gonna die tonight. Is this true? Everybody? Yeah?
This just seems too extreme. Man, I'm sorry. I got
a Nixon mask. Okay, yeah, I know, I know, I know,
I know, And it's a good mask. It's a great mask. Look,
here comes a bus right now, alright, this bus come
(54:32):
up here. They're gonna witness either the greatest skylight here. Alright,
so we'll just go over and look trust me on
the Okay, Now everyone here has a I printed out
some some some what's you called? Uh scripts? Here? Okay,
so everyone has one here you follow on follow in
the play right now, I mean everyone in tell him
(54:54):
to me in the play and then these uh would
you like to come on? You're in the play? Oh, perfectly,
already a bunch of courdes great sir, So would you
like to play juggoda what you were at the City
councilman earlier? Well? Yeah, yeah, why don't you play jugged.
Would you like that? Okay, great, awesome. Okay, so let
me just put this cord around your ankles here. Okay,
(55:19):
So this is how it's gonna start. Yeah, a city
on love right out of the bus. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
So um, okay, so you know what, I didn't cast it.
I should have cast up before. Okay. So why don't
(55:40):
we have um, Mr Milner, Mr Milner, you and your
your nephew, why don't you play uh, why don't you
play Mrs Foreigner? Okay? And then the little next that's
a woman's character, right, Hey, it's cool. No, no, I'd
like to know the city council don't have many women. Okay,
so that's a problem that you all to figure out. Okay,
(56:01):
that's not ama alright, we're having a path forward. It's
a vote. You just vote for it. Okay. Well, we
need to have a quorum in order to have a vote.
Someone's flying down from the sky. What is that? I
(56:21):
didn't do that. I don't do that. What's happening? It
looks like a sky fight. It's just skyfight. Holy ship.
That's president you going down step a day. You're going
dune City Council. What do you what do you think
(56:51):
I mean, we can have all those kind of special
effects stuff in the actual play. Huh, well that that
was impressive. We uh, we're putting it to a vote
next week. Our town is still a top contender. Jesus,
come on, I had my feet ripped off. Come on,
councilman Ricketts really wants to do equis for some reason,
(57:13):
but I don't. I don't think that's going to pass
the naked horseplay. Hell, are you gonna do that? Yeah?
That's the naked horseplay. Look, that was that was impressive.
It was maybe more graphic than we're looking for. We
are a community theater after all. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot,
I gotta say. And we're also considering the Heidi Chronicles now,
which I know it's like a solo show, but yeah,
(57:35):
it's on the table. I don't know what where you
have to find a woman though. That's gonna be hard here.
That hard. We mean, so Uncle Hank, I don't really
(57:55):
understand who is better than skydivers, bungee jumpers, song and
dance people. I'm confused. It's sky divers. Sky divers are
the better ones. I I know. It was kind of
hard and the play was a little deluded. I don't
trust that guy's script, first of all. But yeah, sky
(58:16):
divers are best face jumpers, your second best bungee jumpers,
her third, best people on a trampoline or fourth best
people on top of the fan that are simulating sky
that's the bottom. And those guys don't. Those guys are
not doing anything worth while. Community, the community theater people
different category. They're not even in competition. You know. Sometimes
(58:38):
I'm sad when sky diving came to Grover's Corners and
that's our let's thank you see what they're up. Dude, Yes,
thank you, and everybody, if you're in Los Angeles, please
(58:59):
email are your city commissioned to figure out what the
hell they were doing with that goddamn recycling video. Our
tax money should not be going to that, all right?
It was sick six shift. Yeah, James Cedney, uh well,
check out their supply Wednesday nights on Twitch slash BS Comedy,
(59:20):
Twitch dot tv slash BS Comedy Wednesday's a p m.
Pacific Standard time. Chris Alvarado, Um, I just want to
say I listened to two episodes of Alchemy that that
that it's a good it's it's a good time. It's
a good time. It's a little scary to listen to,
like I knew it would be, but um, it's really
fun to hear everybody's thoughts and I just like that.
(59:40):
We're building this community. They're building a community of you know,
like minded people. So I want to encourage everybody who
listens to this podcast, who might not have listened to
Alchemy That, to give it a listen. Give it a listen.
Hear what the people are talking about. Nice Craig Jaikowski, Yeah,
I love it. Big supporter of Alchemy That and the
(01:00:02):
Reddit page for Alchemy This. Get on there and get
some chatter going. I love it all. Nice. I'm Cold
Stratton at Stratton Cole on Instagram at col Stratton on Twitter.
Also go to as a sketch us dot com. You
can now rent the Big Fist Pocalypse show we did
this past weekend. It's three and a half hours of
comedy for twenty bucks. Uh. It all goes to helping
us stay a float, So come check that out. Let's
(01:00:24):
thank our engineering producer Doug Bain and the fine folks
i heeart media dot com. Please write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com Until next time.
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen
one edition, and your host Cold Stratton in for Kevin
poll Quick, but you've a snowed in someplace. Let's meet
our alchemist Shelley. In no particular order other than the
order that I reversed. It's Joey Greer. Hey, Joey uh
you ever dest with the devil of Calvin Light? I have? Yeah,
(00:25):
I have? How is he? I'll tell you what he
does not like to be led? I will say that
right now. It was a confrontational dance confrontation. What's the
what's that? Uh fiddle capad Georgia. Yes, it was with
the first Soul to steel. He was in the Bui
(00:45):
because he was way behind. He was willing to make
a deal. They jumped up on a hickory stuff. We said, boy,
it's James En. Everybody, James uh he. What's one skill
you wish you had? Just something you've never been able
to get a hangout, but you really wish you could do.
I wish I could sit in front of a Mac
computer and have the same skills I have in front
(01:05):
of a PC. And that carries on also over to
iPhones like I can't. There's no buttons on an iPhone,
but I can't use it. I don't know if they
have telekinetic powers that they're using it. It's frustrating. It
would change my life if I could use a Mac.
They have tutorials and things. It's not I'm too old
to learn a new trick. Cole all right, that makes sense.
(01:28):
Hey everybody, it's Chris Alvarado. Hey Chris. If you can
win an award in any field, any sort of reward award,
what would you want? Best actor of all time at
the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Swords. That's funny because it hurts,
you know what I mean? Laughed at me. So, I mean,
(01:50):
it's the means you can get signed better than anybody ever.
I have been. I have been signed by official Nickelodeon Sligne.
That is a true Let you know, that's a good
X dude. You and uh, last, but surely not least,
Craig Kiki Kowski. Craig, if you could learn a fighting
(02:14):
or self defense style and be like super good at it,
what would it be? Oh krofmgaw. Oh yeah, krav magaw.
And I don't even know what it is really, but
it's I mean it's fun to say, and it'd be
fun to say that I'm good at it. Wait a minute,
is it pronounced mega o? No? Not that one there
(02:45):
really thought about this one, reluctant black belt. All right,
let's do a damn show. All of our scene suggestions
are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon va
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(03:06):
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at seen. One comes
from Patreon v I P. Crispy L, who wrote, Hi, Kevin,
I know you don't need or want me to make
more suggestions right now, but bite me, pretentious L. A
(03:28):
farmer's market does christy scene suggestion workshops chairs all, Crispy?
All right? So this is organic, honey. It's only from
the most organic piece available, so like it's everything of
the rusty. It's really crusty, honey, you know it's organic.
(03:51):
I mean a lot of that store bust stuff has
like pesticized and perservatives in there that make it all
smooth and taste better. But this stuff right here is
organic a hundred percent from only the motion. But I
want to be able to spread this out on a
peanut butter and honey sandwich. And this is like it's
gonna problem, no problem. So you just let this ship
(04:12):
out in the bathtub with boiling water borth about six.
That should just melt immediately. It's like super easy. I
don't think you know what the word immediately means, sir,
that's not immediately. Well, to be fairer, like in the
scope of like Earth and time seven hundred billion years,
(04:33):
and while we're here, I don't think a couple of
hours is that long. Alright, I'll have one. What's the
units of cell that you have? Well, right here, I
got a pint? We do six quarts? Or I could
do I do one? I did just just bucket that
my girlfriend made. Do I get a bulk discount or yeah,
(04:54):
totally okay, I'll have Okay, so I'll get a well,
I'll get a I coulda oh gosh, I coulda what's
the thing in between the bucket and the point uh
six courts or something? I forgot get the six courts,
and the crystals aren't in cell today. If you buy one,
(05:16):
you get too free, and that's pretty rare, pretty rare,
uh selle I'm doing today. Um, I do have to
let you know. It's because I have stopped believing in
the crystals. So so is it a bogged No, not
not bogged. They've all been suncharged. I'm sorry, I said, bugged.
(05:36):
That's buy one, get to that's the thing. Well you know,
bogo right by one, get one? No, Um, hold on,
this is I know, no need to appalled. You're teaching
me things. I'm teaching you things. I think this is
(05:57):
pretty special. Bog bugged. You're saying you've lost faith in
the crystals. Yes, yes, I don't believe they worked, but
they have been sun charged and moon charged. Um so
they are as far as levels go, they're up there. Okay,
but you don't believe that that does anything. I mean,
(06:18):
it's a long story, but the short of it is,
manifestation is a joke. And no matter how much you
believe and how much you want, some things just don't
come to you. And that feels like bullshit. So I'm done.
I have to say, you have the nicest, most elaborate
tint of any vendor here. Thank you, thank you. Um.
The silk is from a far away land. Um. I
(06:41):
also don't believe in that land anymore, nor do I
believe in the silk. So that's if you want this.
This is boxed as well. Hey, Gale, any sales today
you move in those crystals? No, Teresa, not not yet.
But I'm I'm in the middle of a cell right now.
Are you offering a box or a box? What's the bugs?
(07:01):
By one? Get four? No? I didn't offer the box.
If you're doing oh yeah, I am. I I do
the wind chimes next door. They're made out of recycled
tin cans and they can find water. Okay, so is
it by one set of wind chimes? I get four
sets of witches? Right? That's right. It's the sets, not
the individual chimes. That would be kind of a shyster move. No,
(07:23):
it's that you can go get them. They're they're all there.
That might be more wind chimes than I need. Do
you have you have the wind chimes? Oh yeah, I
gotta take four. I don't want four wind chimes. Four
sets of wind chimps um I'm with the I'm with
the Farmer's Market Association, and we've noticed that your cherry
(07:46):
tomatoes glow and i'd like to see a certification of
organic broke so I don't see any I'm looking around
at your table and it looks like you get an
allergic reaction on your tongue or look flame. You don't
make fun of me. Okay, I have here tomatoes, that's what.
(08:10):
Just have one of these tomatoes you, honestly, it'll just
that guy. He's disgusting you stop it. This is this
is just a normal tongue. Okay, it's my mouth that's small,
and I've got a normal tongue with a small mouth.
I want to see your organic certification here because these
cherry tomatoes are glowing. There we go all right here
(08:30):
now too. For the record, these are organic cherry tomatoes.
But I have led lights inside. Oh well, that's that's
actually that it's a violation that the rules that once
you put light inside of it is if no longer organic.
You're telling what you're talking about? You what do you mean?
You can't shut me down? This is my business. That's
sound like productive license? There? Do you think that led
(08:52):
lights are organic. The guy's mouth looks gross. You shut up,
you shut up? What's it's the same guy? Just keep
doing the circles around the tent. Look, I can't shut
this tent down. This is this is my this is
my livelihood. Please I can shut this tent down. I'll
shut it down right now. I got that kind of power.
(09:12):
What do you about, my tongue? What do you want?
What do you need? Uh? Well, I want to. I
want to. I want a hundred dollar bill right now,
just right now, and I'll walk away. Give me a
hundred dollar bill right now, and I would walk away. Okay, okay, okay, here, okay, okay,
roll it up and put it while I'm priced to
(09:34):
see Montsanto has a tent here? What's um? What's the deal?
These are all genetically modified orgasm organisms. So I energetically
modified orgasm last night and I'm still thinking about it. Nice? Nice, Um.
(09:56):
So you're just saying fuck you to the whole thing,
and you're just coming out and say, yeah, these had
been modified. Yeah, yeah, and tons of pesticide on all
these tomatoes. But look at the size on them. That's huge.
That's huge. Man, Bite into this, Yeah, that's five bucks
(10:19):
with tomato. You just date. Oh my wait, hold on,
I'm having a genetically modified orgasm. Oh fuck, that's amazing. Right,
is this what chemicals do? Yeah? They make everything taste better.
Five books, five bucks? That's that's all you're asking for? This? Yeah?
You on our app? God damn it. When I find
(10:43):
a spot, i'll park. Okay, when you just stopped, now,
give me jesus, both of you stop. Okay, I know
I need to find a spot. Okay, I'm looking for one.
I said we should get up at five am. Did
I say that? Didn't I say this, get five am
to get over there. But you want to stay in
and sleep in because it's a Sunday. It is a Sunday.
(11:03):
I'm sorry. But also, Heathcliff had to have his Captain crunch. Okay,
God damn it. Well that crap you're giving him? You know,
when we can. The reason we go to Farmers Markets
because it's the only place in l A. We're able
to get organic produced and other goods made by real
people who care about us, right, who care about what
we do and eat. All right, that's enough. I've had it.
(11:24):
I have had it, rich, I have I'm gone I'm
taking Heathcliff and I'm going you know you gonna you've
been talking, We're gonna talk a roll out right now. Okay,
you brought this on yourself. And by the way, I've
been sleeping with your brother. He has genetically modified orgasms
and they are I've been sleeping with my brother too.
(11:48):
Hey what's up, dude? What are you? What are you
doing here? It's late? Look, man, I knew a place
to crash. Dude, that happened one time. Okay, that happened
one time. No, man, don't no, Look man, look I
I broke up with um with moonfly. Oh, I see
(12:10):
you can't double you can't double park out here. I'm
not I'm gonna move in a second. I think you
gotta move, man. I think there's like there's tons of
spots on the street. Okay, okay, okay, okay, look, I
gotta move my car. Probably probably don't come back to
you because I feel I'm still done over. You know
what us? Oh dude, you know what? Man? This is
a bs You guys a couple. You look exactly alike. Yeah,
(12:34):
we're brothers, brothers. Jesus, Wait, what do you what is that?
Why does that freak you out, sir. Look, I'm gonna
find a spot. I'll text you when I find a spot.
Probably just go, probably, just go. Probably don't stop, Mr
man Santo, Mr Man Santo, Um coming from there? You are,
(13:01):
you're like two ft tall. I'm not two ft tall. Okay,
there's no way, and there's no way I'm two ft tall.
Mr Montanto, you haven't really been honoring the agreement that
we had when you first set up. Shut up. See,
let me just fold up this little chair. Here, there
(13:24):
we go. That's it's a big tongue, but it's the
normal thigh. I'm gonna brun this operating for you. You're
not gonna be allowed at the farmer's market anymore. All right,
call me Clyde, right, Clyde, Clyde. You're behind on the
(13:45):
money that you're supposed to give me. I'm a pretty
big deal here at the farmer's market, all right. What
what is mon Santo? Oh you well, it seems like
this is the third week that you should have given
me a hundred dollar bill, and so I'd say three hundred.
But that's being nice because some people would give interest
or threaten someone. Maybe I would bring somebody to break
(14:07):
your kneecaps. All right, all right, let me take out
my wad. What was it? Three hundred two d three hundred?
Don't throw it on the floor. Everybody think you're dwarfed
by those bills? Excuse me? Are you? Are you giving
away cash? Hey? This time here is giving away cash?
(14:27):
How much for the hundred? Uh? I'll do a hundred
for for two hundred? Great? Hell yeah? How much doing
a hundred dollar bills? For two hundred bucks? I have
a five hundred. I can make change, all right? Said?
(14:51):
Hell yeah? Can I get an hour lick one of
these tomatoes while you're here? Now, it's going to my
attention that you've been going around the farmers marketing storting
other vendors. Is that, Craig? I'm what I'm doing is
I'm making it so list be honest. Some of the
organic stuff is really boring. And when you bring in
(15:14):
some pizzas, we're getting a lot of people coming in.
It's helping the organic community. Where did you go? I
just saw you? And now where are you? I'm right here,
right here, dad? Dad? Can I go play? Let me
out of your pocket? No, no, no, you stay in
the pocket because I can't be I can't trust you
to run around out here. Okay, stay there. Do you
(15:36):
have a kid in your pocket? I have a child
in my pocket. But my mistake is there someone in
your some sort of a kangaroo. It's a child. I'm
a human being. Okay, man, man, I just saw you
and your child roll out of that car. Are you okay? Yeah? Yeah,
I'm all right. I'm okay, Heathcliff, you all right? I
(16:00):
still have to go to the bathroom. You should have
gone on the roll. I just uh, can I help
you with anything? Or you both seem to be fine?
You rolled well? Thank you? That mean's a lot. What
are you single? Or that's a crazy question to ask. Yeah,
I'm also a stuntman. Wow. Any any notable productions you've
(16:26):
worked on that I from? Yeah? Yeah, let's see. I
have the television and film What do you watch? More
movies or TV? I watched them both, but mostly movies,
mostly movies, mostly movies. Okay, I'm getting credits. Give me
one second. Um. I ever heard of the movie called
(16:48):
Point Break? Yes, I love I wasn't. I wasn't in
Point Break, but my buddy was in Point Break. He
got me a gig right, a non union gig right. Basically,
I punched a bunch of liminum cans as hard as
I could for a commercial, a non union spot for
about recycling. That's great. I hope to see that one day.
(17:09):
Im sorry, I missed it. No, I have a VHS
copy at my place if you oh, let's go there
right now. But about the kid, the hell? Man, you
said you're gonna be at the Informer's organ all day.
This is my time. Man, It's just I got a guest. Man,
I got a guess. Man, I got sucking hard drugs
out on the table. Man, they're a cop. They're gonna
(17:31):
fucking get me. Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, look at me
and look at me. Hey, hey, remember when I was
talking about manifestation. Yeah, man, you said I can manifest
and thinking my body to punch out of it. Man,
freaked me out. Man, I was spiraling. Man, it was true.
I've manifested this woman here. She came rolling out of
(17:52):
a car right in front of me. You're a fucking warlock, man,
I've said it since the day I missed you. Man,
you got powers, came get out of here here. What
was you gonna get moonfly, Moonfly. Yeah. I don't know
what they were thinking, but moonfly. So okay, let's see here,
(18:14):
looking for a feet just here, got a lot of
copies of stuff around here. Can't you do puzzles at
the puzzle? Alright? Every coat? Here? We got pancakes? You hungry?
All right? There we go? Oh here it is, Oh grant,
I can't wait to see this. Have a seat right
there on the floor. You can just move the stuff around. Great.
(18:36):
Recycling is an important issue, one that affects every Angelina.
Recycling can help save up to seven up it could.
Recycling is one yeah, yeah, yeah, So that was me
punching all the cans. You can tell that's really impressive.
(18:59):
Have you taking natural up there? I'm sorry, boss, it's
a non union spot. I got a non union stunt guy,
a non union voiceover guy. That's as good as you're
gonna get. This is why people hate recycling. Bill. Yeah,
I mean we we only could do one take on
each and they both made terrible mistakes. But you know
(19:22):
we should never have shot this on sixteen and giving
you one reel. Well, I'm just trying to build credits.
I'm non union myself. All right, well we'll have to
roll with it. Then it's only gonna air three times,
so we might as well get it out there. Okay,
and it's on VHS and vinyl. I'm a sousa who
(19:46):
wants to get rubbed down. Come on, Hi, Hi, Thomas.
Oh we got one. Look at me, Look at me.
I'm throwing a little line there, ye really yeah? Go
on going on? What do you want? What do you want?
Your neck? Your eyes? What's going on? Um? I kind
of want the works. Um. I used to work at
that tent right over there selling crystals. I don't believe anymore.
(20:09):
So I was thinking, this is my last time here
I've been. I've seen you week after week, and you
perform magic with those fingers. I want the works, all right?
All right, well, you know, since you're a vendor, you
get you got it, you got it? So what just
laid down face down here on this slab right here?
(20:30):
Can I lay face up, face up? That option? Oh
for sure? Yeah, if you want to live face let
me just actually get another bench in here, because the
one I got a little face hole poked out, you
know what I mean. So let me just get this
little table out here. You get my wife and I
massage last week and she's blind. Now you back up,
you knew what she signed up for? Okay? Do you
know what she signed up for? Okay? Did she signed
(20:52):
it a disclaimer? She signed up verbally and in the
state of last Angels, that's a legal binding contract. Did
you say what I'm saying? What kind of monster sticks
his fingers into somebody's eyes and needs them? Who knows who?
(21:14):
Crystal guy? You you sold me five crystals for the
price of one last week a buck? Yeah? Yeah, and
that's that f and Bog sends for fuck you because
those crystals don't work, okay, and that's our spot for
the farmer's market costs. We only had one take. It's
pretty bad. Um Should I just air it one time?
(21:36):
What the hell is that? That beast story with the
two brothers? Okay? And that's our first that see really
literally headed off? Alright. See it's from newly minted Patriot.
(21:59):
I'll come eACT Mylorasco show here right here, I'll start
all right, see too? Why did they hear the from
(22:24):
our really minted patreon Alchemedia Mike Dorrasco wrote this one's
for Kevin. Okay, Okay, let's try this again. How about
an Elvis impersonator mistakenly books a gig at an Elvish convention.
Hope it makes the cut. Get my best to the gang.
Keep on making that funny m hm. And I'd like
(22:45):
to see your badge. If you've got a badge for
the expo, now is the time to show it. And
you shall pass the gates into the convention. He man,
I don't got a bad man, oh I um, so
you'll need to sign up for the convention on the
(23:06):
app And man, excuse me, isn't my hips enough to
give me? You're not dressed appropriately for the convention. This
is the Sherwood Elvish Convention of two thousand twenty one.
Not dressed appropriately? Did you want the sixty eight comeback
(23:27):
special or early? M oh, let me keep my let
me keep my senior ELF manager l Ron l Ron. Um,
Maybe I have to deal with this myself, l Ron
l Ron Harbor. Matt is he here? That's not funny?
So okay, you know what? I love those books? Yes,
(23:50):
who calls for Elron el Ron? This this gentleman here
doesn't have He has neither the outfit, nor the ears,
nor all the Elvish accent. Honestly, he doesn't even have
a badge for the convention. He does appear darker than
a normal elf. What what type of health be Ye?
(24:12):
I'll be the entertainment comment, you know, I'll go out
there and entertain everybody. You know what I'm saying, entertainment? Well,
could this be our entertainer for the day. This can't
be out ron well, man, they told me to come here. Man,
I can go check with my book at agent man,
but this is where I was supposed to go. You know,
(24:33):
do do ye sing? Do ye dance? Do I sing?
Do a dance? Man? That's all I do? Many want?
You want all a little taste? Sure? Sure, well your
name is l Ron right, I'll work it into the thing. Man,
Are you l wrong tonight? Is this a convention tonight? Yes?
(24:55):
It is. Yeah. I'm stuck on the flour. You away
right now? Okay, my engine just blew out. I gotta truck.
Foolish goddamn l freaks, and they're they're supposed to got
they got a gig. They gotta play at a thing.
So I need a toe truck now, all right, I
need one, Now you understand. Look that's not how it works. Buster.
You don't just call us and demand something. Okay. If
(25:17):
we got an available truck, we send you in an
available truck. But if there's no trucks available, it doesn't
matter how much you scream. Also, it's illegal to be
carting human beings in the back of a truck like that. Okay,
so you're putting human trafficking. I'm a human said the word,
you said the words? Okay, I'm a bust driver, man,
all right, A right, run a private company, okay, I
run my own company. Okay, okay, what's okay, what's the
(25:39):
name of the company. Roy's Trucking. We move people across
any state line Roy's Trucking, and that's your slogan. Yeah, okay, alright, okay, alright, alright,
no problems, no problems here, Okay here man, I got people. Okay, alright.
How important is this? It's important to them and they're
(26:02):
freaking out. They gotta play the stupid convention or something
like that. Don't the hell it is? Where are you at?
What freeway? I can't really tell it all the sides.
Just gotta mostle over. Okay, what's uh? What's weird? Turned down?
This like Wooden Road. I wanted to this deep deep
forest forest. Yeah yeah, I mean the trees are like
(26:25):
hundreds of feet high. You feel like you're small, right,
teeny tiny man, I'm telling you right now, hey roight, yeah,
your life has just changed. Be threatening me. You're in Sherwood.
I gotta go. But hello, what god damn it? Uh?
(26:51):
Listen up for musicians? Excuse me? How much longer till
we get to the convention? A little longer, a little longer.
There's a weird now, yeah about all we all mouth
like that? Alright, calm down, alright, Lvi's listen. And we
(27:15):
had a toad truck coming. But for the time being,
I think we should all just scatter and our own
thing until the toad truck comes. This terrible idea, what
friend you need? You seem to be out of place
here and show it. For the hell is this guy doing?
Robin Hood? Okay, I get some amazement park or something
(27:38):
like that. I see you. Yeah, like, I don't know, buddy,
do I looking amusing? My blush just broke down, all right?
Be you with the sheriff of notting him? No, I
don't don't deal with the law. I got a lot
of felonies on my ass. We got a lot of
priors me too, robbin these poor people, don't these elves man,
(28:04):
you took them from the bus. Now we're giving them
out to four people. Look, there were no coins or
uh anything. That's all I have of value is this.
But I did rob from the rich and give to
the poor these elves. Yeah, I'm sorry interrupt, but what
that was up with these tights? Huh? And I feel
like I wanted like a burlap sack with that was
(28:25):
my jeans and my button down. Well, little John, you
you've put on a lot of weight in the last year.
Your tights are not always going to fit. Yeah, okay,
we'll just give me my jeans. All right, that's all
I'm saying. Can you can you call me Roy? What's
up with this little John ship? Your little John? Now? Okay?
We don't we wear tights. I don't like when people
(28:45):
call me little you understand, looks it's an ironic name.
You're the largest man here, damn right, I am your
damn right, I am all right now. Look I'm gonna
eat the rush of that turkey leg wherever the hell
that is. Okay, And I don't want to. No one
bothered me until we go for my nap. Okay, okay, now,
this is uh Jerry O'Connell Live with CBS two Action
(29:10):
for you news. You've fallen far Jerry O'Connell. What do
you mean you don't You don't gotta tell me what
the actor Jerry O'Connell was in. I know all of
his movies, but I am at the high i'm doing.
You're not j connell the actor. No, Jerry O'Connell, the newscaster,
(29:32):
the actor. You're okay, I'm live. Sorry, I'm on the
air right now. I'm terribly sorry. No, actually, stick around,
stick around? No you are you aware that people call
this area the Bermuda Triangle of the woods. Yeah, you are, okay,
(29:52):
because it seems that cars, people, and most recently an
entire bus of people have gone missing from around this area.
Are you familiar with that? Anyone to see Jerry O'Connell.
He went on an assignment and no one could find him.
Jerry Odal the actor. No, Jerry O'Connell is just one end.
He's our news reporters that you know. We decided to
(30:14):
cover the convention and that was two weeks ago. Alright,
the Elvish convention. That was a big deal. I wonder
why we didn't have a story on that. Yeah, it's
it's weird, man. It's like he there's that one point
off Highway thirty five where it's just a lot of
things go missing. Yeah, I find only vhs is. Do
(30:38):
you want me to toss him? No? No, no, keep those.
Keep those are gonna be worth something one day. Okay.
Do you want me to digitize him? Um? No, just
keep them, put him in the box, right time capsule
on it, and bury it in the back yard. Just
just cardboard box. Yep, just that one for some duct
tape on it, right time capsule. Right. I love a project. Thanks,
(31:01):
you're welcome. Wait, but what was on the tapes? She's gone,
She's good. We'll never know. We well know twenty five
years when I guess we will. Yeah, when I told
them taking up so l Ron and the Twinkleberry, whatever
the hell your name is listening? It is? Okay? Great? Yeah,
(31:24):
Look I'm going over the budgets right here, and y'all
didn't sell enough tickets, so I might have to shut
this down. Wron, This can't be true. Did we had
to sell enough tickets to cover the prices. Do not
traffic in the currency of man? All right, Well, you're
in man's world, so we do. Okay. Oh maybe if
(31:49):
I had a couple, Maybe if I had a hundred dollars,
Let this hundred dollars, hundred dollars. Mm hmmm, do it? Hey, man,
you're saying you can't pay me. Man, you guys don't
have the money. What was it? Your elves do not
traffic in the currency of man? All right, what are
(32:10):
you trafficking? Then it does? Does? That's how health thing
man does. What everyone is trying to say is when
we originally booked the Elvish group, we would have pulled
in all of the people we needed it. And your
substitution just was no substitute for the original gig. I
(32:31):
had to take three trains to get here, man, I mean,
come on, I got some costs I gotta recoup. I mean,
you clearly have aged elvestone age. You're an old have
you set? I don't know how to say this. You're
not an elf. We know you're not an elf. Well, man,
you're not gonna pay me, and you're gonna stop me.
Funked up man, I'm just trying to let you know
why we don't have the money to pay you is
(32:54):
you have failed our convention. I failed it, man. Those
fourteen people here man, and that's not me. It's not
a good turnout. That's that's true. It's a bad turnout.
But but I think that it's because they knew that
there was not an Elvish band playing. And I don't
know what the hell you're supposed to be but three
(33:14):
and a half hours up there, and every time I
tried to set you kept saying keep going. You did
the pool thing like like, you know, keep going? What
was that? Men? I ran out of songs, Run Berry Star,
twinkled Berry Berry. It's come true. It's come true. We
(33:34):
have we have confirmation of a land very close to
here that is all for us, all for us, an
invisible land. It's just right off. Please tell me more.
That's all that got. I've got a lift waiting, it's
it's running. We can jump in now and go to
(33:55):
this land and live the way we were supposed to
live live forever. Okay, we'll table these negotiations for now
and we're going to explore this magical land. Off oft five.
You can come, sir, would you like to join us?
I got no money in it. Wait, wait, wait, we
can't take him. He's not an elf. Look at him.
(34:17):
He's he's a fat man that has a poorly dressed sequence.
Actually they're not that bad, but it's definitely not elvish clothes.
Why are you doing this, Tom, You're not don't you
work at don't you say name long ago? Look at him?
Look at us. Okay, I'm hopping in this lift. Join
(34:40):
me if you want, Tom. I told you if this
convention was a super success, I'd say great, whatever and
we keep moving forward. But I'm sorry. You've invested two
years of your life into this and it didn't work out.
You have to realize that you have to drop the
accent and stop wearing those clothes around the house, Jennifer.
First year is to establish it. The second year it's
(35:03):
wood of mouth. Jennifer, Tom, you're from Minnesota. You don't
talk like this. I'm from the North. I'm the North Helf,
all right, And if you're not careful, you won't be
able to come. We're going off the wooden Road on
to the land of elves. This is the Internet's fault.
This is crazy you weren't, like, since you're a software engineer, Okay,
(35:26):
that's what you do software software. Hey, yeah, there's something
going wrong on my desktop. The software keeps crashing. So
I'm just calling this number to get some help. You
know what could be up? It's it's meat, Tom Okay, great, Tom? Um,
(35:48):
what's wrong with it? I'm sorry, it's just spent a
long time since I Okay, So you're having some software problems. Yeah,
it's just it keeps crashing my computer. Okay. Have you
tried powering down your computer? Yeah? I did that first
of all. I mean, I look, this is a this
(36:09):
is a Max. I don't know how to work at Mac.
I only know how to use PCs. If I only
knew how to work a Max would be amazing, But
I don't. I can't even work my phone. I don't
know why. I don't have an Android. I have an iPhone.
I can't make it make calls. How do what do
we do? Okay? Well, if you've got a Mac, what
I would suggest you do is you plug in a
(36:29):
USB device to the bottom part so you have a
keyword because that one button doesn't work for these issues. Um,
everybody who has made it tea into the Sherwood Forest.
Gather around, gather around. Now some of you are three
people welcome. Others are out. We have robin Hood in
the back. Huh, mr looking nice. We have done it.
(36:54):
We have made forget the proud feet, Oh God, I
and the proud feats. The proud feats are recognized. Now
we are here to celebrate, and we have the entertainer
of a lifetime. Everybody puts your don't forget the rock people. Okay,
(37:18):
people are recognized. I'm saying all in happenings of Surewood Forest. Rejoice.
And now the whispers of the leaves whispers. We do
not recognize you. You were not recognized. Leave cry as
you leave, now, ladies, people, Hey, dude, what the hell
(37:45):
is that up there? Dude, it's just the last I
just started sucking breaking down. Man. You know, I believe
in this forest we live in obviously I live here,
you know. But I mean, we wrote everyone down. Why
didn't you just take the list up? Why do you
want to win? Get? I don't know. I thought there
would be more over, like an organic experience, people would
feel seen and recognize. But instead I shipped the bed.
(38:07):
And then and then I started singing as you know,
and that nobody like that. And then and then they
started throwing the Hey guys, I'm sorry, everybody's getting on.
Really you're gonna try it to get Jerry O'Connell. I
don't think that. I think I think maybe you should
dry this. Jerry. It's you, Jerry. This is what you
were born to do. Fun. I think in the other
(38:30):
world I was, but here I'm not. Maybe here I'm
supposed to be, you know, a hunter or something. This
is your job. Just recognized the people, recognized them, and
then get to the entertainment. You'll do fine, Okay, okay.
I hear them shouting, though. I hear them shouting the
(38:50):
musical act. Hello, it's me. I'm back. Jerry O'Connell. No, no, no,
well kind of anyway, is he? Guest host Wendy william
didn't he. This is not about me. This is about
you and us, the beings of the Sherwood Forest. Now,
(39:11):
without further ado, I present to you recognize the proud defeat.
We have already been to the proud feet, proud feet.
I've been recognized, and now I don't fog about the
rock people rock you know what you know what I
(39:32):
have t gotten about the rock people. Rock people? Talk
to me? How how are the rock people feeling today?
Don't don't do a little? Stone? Very funny, very funny,
very funny, very funny. I get Stone once. I got
Stone once? Who is the musical act? Jerry? The hell
(39:59):
was that drug story? That was crazy? That was a
crazy story. Man. I was just ripping. I was ripping.
I thought being vulnerable would be relatable. You said you
used the dead guy as a bomb? What the hell was?
I want to lie. That's a wild man. He was
my brother. Okay, I didn't say that part. I didn't
(40:20):
say that I had sex a relationship with him. No,
I didn't tell that was what the cherry? What do
you do? Oh? Man, man, I don't know how we're
going to spend this man, this is bad. Man. I'll
tell you how I got the best entertainer of all time.
He's waiting right back to age soon as they bring
what I couldn't he got Bruno, Lord, no part of
(40:47):
me out there and tell him you got Bruno Mars
do all right? Hold on, okay, hold on, hold on,
Mr Presley, can you do any Bruno Mars music? I
know if you tune, But I just gotta use the
restroom right now. Well, I'll be right out. Okay, Hey, everybody,
we feel in We getting Nancy feeling weird, excited for
(41:09):
brutal Mars. That's right, that's right. You know, when I
think of the word Mars, I think about her space,
And when I think about her space, I think about
a time I made out with my brother in the
weirdest way out of here. What's going on? Did you
ever did you ever send that car out to that
(41:31):
bus or no? No, nobody was available. That's our second.
C three is who wrote, Hi, Kevin. I know this
isn't expected, but just wanted to thank you all for
(41:52):
doing my suggestion hilarious. I know you don't have the
shortest of suggestions, but here's one anyway, the rivalry between
sky divers and bungee jumpers. Thanks again, Andre. So the
history of this bridge goes back all the way to
eighteen twenty two when Juggededaiah Foreigner decided to make the bridge. So,
(42:15):
so it's a it's a it's a it's a huge.
I mean you can bungee or sky dive off. That's
how it's all it is. I mean, we're looking at
about six mile high bridge. That's how how you up?
You are? Excuse me? Which which one do you do? Oh? Well,
you know, I just do tours, guided tours through here,
So that's that's that's what I don't do either. But
(42:36):
I will say this, I say, be worn all ye
who crossed paths with either, because it gets intense. Extreme
sporters are intense about their craft. What was That's a
fucking bungee jumper? Nothing? Nothing? Okay, here, let's keep on
because let me just let me just listen. I came
(42:56):
along for the tour because I like bridges, but as
a sky high her I don't want anybody to be
misled by this asshole. You skydive from the sky, your
base jump from a high place. If somebody jumped off
this bridge, it would be base jumping. Sorry, sir, uh
your tour. If I can't trust what you say, then
why would I listen to you the rest of the
I'm walking I'm walking away. I don't want to do
(43:17):
this tour anymore. I mean, I guess, but I mean
technically anything's a sky right, So all right, let's just
keep on moving down here. And if you look at
this pylon, now, can anyone tell me what difference does
this pylon have that other ones don't. Oh, yeah, it's
only you know me. Um, did foreigner find this pylon too? Yes?
(43:42):
He did. Yes, So this is actually when you come
with me, we're not gonna take this tour anymore. Let's go.
Let's go, We're going think. Come on, this guy is
an asshole. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Have
a good one, have fun on your tour alone, buddy. Yeah, oh,
magnificent bridge jubber dyah, you've done amazing work here. But
(44:05):
why are you so close to the edge. I've built
this bridge six miles in the sky to jump off
of it? Wait what jump a diet? No, you can't
survive that, it's six miles Ah. But I have tied this, uh,
this rubbery string to me. Rubbery string. I don't think
(44:31):
it could hold you. Well, we'll see about that when
if the bridge jubb Mrs Forner, I'm so sorry, but
your husband his feet snapped right off at the bottom
of his legs when he bunged down from the bridge,
and yeah, he'd be bloed out when when he did
(44:54):
what a bungee in't a word we're throwing around, and
do you think it sticks? What is it? Um? How
do I describe this? It bungees like Um, I guess
bunges the cord? How do I say this? My Jebediah
used a chord. Why didn't he just jump without a cord? Well,
(45:16):
then he surely died. Not not at all, sir. Surely
you can make some type of contraption that would slow
him down before you hit the bottom. Interesting, some kind
of shoot, Yeah, some kind of before shoot dive through
the sky. That's more extreme and better than sky dive.
(45:41):
Shoot at the para sky dive. Will you do me
a favor? Anything? Will you die from the sky using
a shoot of para? For me? Of course? Anything for you. Jeez,
get your hand off me. My husband, just I thought
that was I thought that was my my ankle about that,
(46:03):
that was my chance? Oh I I'm breaking this bridge down,
So no, you can't come out here, So go turn around.
We're breaking this bridge down. Somebody died up here. Yeah,
all right, we're gonna my husband who is your husband? Well,
(46:25):
trust me, we're gonna break this down. No one will
fall off of it again. So it's it should be
a Okay, it's dangerous, so I'd step back as we're
hammering this area. You know, it wouldn't be so dangerous
if perhaps you had a contraption that slowed you down,
if you were to tumble off the side of this
tumble off the side of the space here like for instance,
(46:46):
here hold onto this banana leaf and now I'll just
give you a little shove. So yeah, I mean that's
the first draft. But I feel like the town is
gonna love this. I mean, to get community theory involved,
the real true story Joko Dian how this all went down.
I mean, they're clamoring for Once people hear it, they're
(47:07):
gonna love it. I guarantee it's gonna be a state.
It's gonna be a staple of the town. I don't know,
we really had our hearts set on our town, isn't that.
I mean, our town just has a lot of roles
for everyone, and it's it's it's about a small town,
which is what we are. And this story is is
(47:28):
to be honest far fed Okay, Okay, maybe in the sky.
Look it's art. It's it's art history, alright. Sometimes you're
gonna stretch the truth, no pun intended. Okay, so you're
telling it as a true story. Now you're saying you're
stretching the truth. You're stretching the truth like a bunget
cord to be honest, and I know, getting these the
(47:51):
stage plots you've drawn up for us, there's no way
we have an auditorium big enough, nor do we have
the budget to construct that. We don't have the budget
art town require. There's no set souther than people's imagination.
Is it a city council? This is the city council. Okay,
and then I guess I get to speak. We're trying
to decide the community theater. Can you recognize me? Please?
(48:16):
I don't recognize you. Okay, I'd like to recognize you,
but right now I don't recognize you. Really this space,
you don't recognize me, Jerry O'Connell, know what, No, it's
not me? All right? How about this? Do you recognize this?
This motion where I leap up in the air and down?
You recognize me? Now leap up in the air down?
(48:37):
I don't. You can save us all a lot of
time if you just told us who you are that
we recognize many the bungee jumper idiots I'm the one
that illegally bungee jumps all over our small town. All right,
the chair recognizes Benji, the bungee jumper. Thank you. Now,
I'm here to say, we gotta put an end to
all these lunatic skydivers jumping into our town. Can I
(49:01):
get an ad? We're still working on the community theater season. Um,
if you'd like input in that, we'll do that right now. Okay,
Stomp stop. We don't have the budget or talent for
stomp alright. We we would like to do a musical.
We're thinking South Pacific. This play is going to change
(49:22):
the game. People are gonna know our town, not not
our town. They're gonna know, Hey, guys, put your cigarettes out.
Oh fuck, put it out on me, not on you.
Fuck fun Look, look, I know I'm the leader of
(49:45):
this bungee jumping gang. I knew I would tell you
that the way to fix the system is from within
the system. I went in there, nothing changed. Hey, Benji,
could I ask one little thing? Can we change the
name of our gang from the b j's. It's not
going well. I'm a lot of where looks all around town,
(50:05):
everyone's saying the suck and then they titter, you know
they do what they laugh You know they're laughing. Who's
doing that? The tittering? Who's doing that? Everybody around? Time? Listen,
(50:25):
here's what's going down tonight. Okay you guys, No, no, no, no, worse.
What the hell am I doing with all these presidents?
We're doing right in the sky. We're doing the fight
in the sky. One of us is gonna jump off
jebbidizel Bridge. I mean, I feel like we're gonna guy
(50:50):
at certain a certain point in the jump where we're
gonna meet the same speeding altitude as the sky diver.
Look at are you guys the one out? Hey? Look?
Is it me? Or is benj You just gone off
the deep end? Man? All right? I thought we joined
up the rub banks as a dead president's hunt, and
then we're going to travel the bridges across the US
(51:11):
and catch every big bungee man. Yeah, we don't have
a catch phrase. Every time we knock at the door
of a bank, open up and get ready for a
b Jr. Was so sick when you came up with
the jackets. Some money will get some money. I just
I don't want to do a sky fight. You know what?
Is that we're gonna die? Man, I'm done. Well, well,
(51:36):
well if it isn't Stevie sky Deaver, Look it's me, Benny.
I'm here to have this one on one meet with
you to settle the rules for tonight's sky fight. I'll
tell you so many times it's good. Okay, Stevie s
of a excuse? Alright, alright, I'm also a skydiver, but
(51:57):
that is my given name. It's French Eskeip you days,
keep you day, alright, alright, respect, respect, alright. So what
have we got? We got chains, blades, what are the rules? Firearms? Fists?
All right, we could do all those things, but it's
gonna weigh you down on the jump. And you don't
gotta worry about me. Okay, I'm tethered by a fucking rope, dude. Okay,
(52:20):
Now we're gonna settle this once and for all. Whoever lives,
well that'll be different dominant extreme sport here in the
small town. Whoever dies, well, let's just say they'll be dead.
Will you just come out to the bridge with me
tonight and I can do a live reading and you'll
get the atmosphere, you'll get the feeling. Okay, I'm telling you,
once you feel it outside on the bridge, you're gonna
(52:42):
be like, this is the play. We don't have time
to drive six miles into the sky to get to
this bridge. Were just then walk whatever you want to do.
We're not walking. No, okay, okay, look I got a bus.
When we all just piloted the bus, we go. Now
it's my gas were eating up? No one else's all right,
just come take my nephew. I'll take my nephew on
(53:03):
the on this little journey with you. Great kids are
gonna love it. Kids, you're gonna love it. Well, he'll
be the designer, and I don't really have the same
point of view as the kids these days, but I'll
i'll see if my nephew likes it. Anyone else want
to bring a remember, yeah, I mean I gotta I
(53:24):
gotta bus. I was like, I'll bring my wife. Okay,
I've already got my son in my pocket, so I
think I'm okay, do you get your son in your pocket? Yeah,
it's very little child. He's right here in my pocket. Kangaroo. No,
I'm a human, I'm not on ours. It's in my pocket,
all right, BJ's are we gonna come hard or what
(53:49):
always come hard? That's right, that's right, that's Benji. I
was talking with the guys and uh, first of all,
put your cigarettes sounds okay, look Benjy, we were talking
in we want to rob banks. Man, we don't want
(54:09):
to do this. We're gonna die tonight. Is this true? Everybody? Yeah?
This just seems too extreme. Man, I'm sorry. I got
a Nixon mask. Okay, yeah, I know, I know, I know,
I know, And it's a good mask. It's a great mask. Look,
here comes a bus right now, alright, this bus come
(54:32):
up here. They're gonna witness either the greatest skylight here. Alright,
so we'll just go over and look trust me on
the Okay, Now everyone here has a I printed out
some some some what's you called? Uh scripts? Here? Okay,
so everyone has one here you follow on follow in
the play right now, I mean everyone in tell him
(54:54):
to me in the play and then these uh would
you like to come on? You're in the play? Oh, perfectly,
already a bunch of courdes great sir, So would you
like to play juggoda what you were at the City
councilman earlier? Well? Yeah, yeah, why don't you play jugged.
Would you like that? Okay, great, awesome. Okay, so let
me just put this cord around your ankles here. Okay,
(55:19):
So this is how it's gonna start. Yeah, a city
on love right out of the bus. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
So um, okay, so you know what, I didn't cast it.
I should have cast up before. Okay. So why don't
(55:40):
we have um, Mr Milner, Mr Milner, you and your
your nephew, why don't you play uh, why don't you
play Mrs Foreigner? Okay? And then the little next that's
a woman's character, right, Hey, it's cool. No, no, I'd
like to know the city council don't have many women. Okay,
so that's a problem that you all to figure out. Okay,
(56:01):
that's not ama alright, we're having a path forward. It's
a vote. You just vote for it. Okay. Well, we
need to have a quorum in order to have a vote.
Someone's flying down from the sky. What is that? I
(56:21):
didn't do that. I don't do that. What's happening? It
looks like a sky fight. It's just skyfight. Holy ship.
That's president you going down step a day. You're going
dune City Council. What do you what do you think
(56:51):
I mean, we can have all those kind of special
effects stuff in the actual play. Huh, well that that
was impressive. We uh, we're putting it to a vote
next week. Our town is still a top contender. Jesus,
come on, I had my feet ripped off. Come on,
councilman Ricketts really wants to do equis for some reason,
(57:13):
but I don't. I don't think that's going to pass
the naked horseplay. Hell, are you gonna do that? Yeah?
That's the naked horseplay. Look, that was that was impressive.
It was maybe more graphic than we're looking for. We
are a community theater after all. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot,
I gotta say. And we're also considering the Heidi Chronicles now,
which I know it's like a solo show, but yeah,
(57:35):
it's on the table. I don't know what where you
have to find a woman though. That's gonna be hard here.
That hard. We mean, so Uncle Hank, I don't really
(57:55):
understand who is better than skydivers, bungee jumpers, song and
dance people. I'm confused. It's sky divers. Sky divers are
the better ones. I I know. It was kind of
hard and the play was a little deluded. I don't
trust that guy's script, first of all. But yeah, sky
(58:16):
divers are best face jumpers, your second best bungee jumpers,
her third, best people on a trampoline or fourth best
people on top of the fan that are simulating sky
that's the bottom. And those guys don't. Those guys are
not doing anything worth while. Community, the community theater people
different category. They're not even in competition. You know. Sometimes
(58:38):
I'm sad when sky diving came to Grover's Corners and
that's our let's thank you see what they're up. Dude, Yes,
thank you, and everybody, if you're in Los Angeles, please
(58:59):
email are your city commissioned to figure out what the
hell they were doing with that goddamn recycling video. Our
tax money should not be going to that, all right?
It was sick six shift. Yeah, James Cedney, uh well,
check out their supply Wednesday nights on Twitch slash BS Comedy,
(59:20):
Twitch dot tv slash BS Comedy Wednesday's a p m.
Pacific Standard time. Chris Alvarado, Um, I just want to
say I listened to two episodes of Alchemy that that
that it's a good it's it's a good time. It's
a good time. It's a little scary to listen to,
like I knew it would be, but um, it's really
fun to hear everybody's thoughts and I just like that.
(59:40):
We're building this community. They're building a community of you know,
like minded people. So I want to encourage everybody who
listens to this podcast, who might not have listened to
Alchemy That, to give it a listen. Give it a listen.
Hear what the people are talking about. Nice Craig Jaikowski, Yeah,
I love it. Big supporter of Alchemy That and the
(01:00:02):
Reddit page for Alchemy This. Get on there and get
some chatter going. I love it all. Nice. I'm Cold
Stratton at Stratton Cole on Instagram at col Stratton on Twitter.
Also go to as a sketch us dot com. You
can now rent the Big Fist Pocalypse show we did
this past weekend. It's three and a half hours of
comedy for twenty bucks. Uh. It all goes to helping
us stay a float, So come check that out. Let's
(01:00:24):
thank our engineering producer Doug Bain and the fine folks
i heeart media dot com. Please write to us at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here at alchemy this dot com Until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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