November 11, 2021 • 49 mins
Skin pockets;
Sports commentator witnesses robbery;
BBQ smoking competition.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. There. Now, let's
meet everybody, shall we first up games? What's your favorite cartoon?
I like The Brack Show. I like a lot of
adult swim cartoons. It's the first one that came to mind,
(00:24):
and I love it. It's The Brack Show. Yeah, and
I don't know if that's my favorite though. I also
like Sea lab One or you know a lot of cartoons. Nice.
The d C Universe just came out with The Long Halloween,
so everyone can enjoy Calendar Man and uh like, you
(00:48):
can watch the cartoon version of The Long Halloween. And finally, no,
that's my favorite cartoons. The longest running controversy in Alchemy
this this calendar band existence. Hey, it's Jackie Gonzalez t
Ruthie Jackie. Is there a place you wanted to go
when you were little and then you got there later
(01:08):
in life? In it wasn't all that great? No, No,
I enjoyed visiting other places. Um No, I've I really
enjoyed all of my travel and um different place experiences.
There's no place you ever went and you're like, this
place kind of blows even if you didn't romanticize it
(01:29):
as a kid. Maybe like a restaurant I'm trying to
think of. Maybe, Yeah, I feel like I'll go I'll
go local. I feel like sometimes restaurants are really hyped
up and you're like like this is gonna be and
I'm going to fall out and we're gonna go to
this awesome as restaurant and then um it's like oh okay,
Like that was like okay, like that, you know what
(01:51):
is perfect? I'm gonna throw one under the bus. Should
I do it? Do? It's a I'm gonna do it
because I used to live in those feels. So everyone
would be like, oh my god, do you live at
the Alcove? I'm like, fuck no, because their food is trash.
They have a patio, and for whatever reason, that means
(02:12):
like in l A, if you have outdoor seating, that
equates to people. I was like, this is a good restaurant.
This is a good restaurant, and the food is good.
But it's like, no, I think that they have a
lovely patio and you've been blinded by that into thinking
that the food is delicious. And I'm so sorry. Now
I feel bad about calling out the Alcohove, but right
(02:34):
it's actually my favorite place, but right across the streets
Delicious Anniversary every year across the street is Must has
delicious sandwiches and does not get any praise because it
doesn't have the same from the alcohol. But I like
(02:57):
a cold brew from the Alcove. I'm not talking out
their co about their bakery, but you know, if people
are like, nut's good, I'm like, oh, you don't like food,
I might, I might not like food. Oh if you
don't like food, yeah, I mean you just eat pies.
So I don't know if you're like I was thinking
(03:17):
the other day, I was like, if there was enough
nutrients in like a bowl of rice, I could get
away with just doing that. Just eat rice every day. Yeah,
I love rice. The way you feel about the Alcove
is kind of how I feel about almost every single
brunch place where people are like waiting outside for like
forty five minutes to an hour again, and I'm like,
it's just eggs and my most like, what is wrong
with you? You can get that anywhere. I just had
(03:38):
the best breakfast sandwich of my life. Okay, so as
I teared one, as I tore one down, I'm going
to lift a couple more. But at lemon poppy seed. Um,
good god. It was a fresh made biscuit, apple butter,
cheddar cheese, a turkey sausage, patti and a fried egg
(03:59):
and holy fuck it was perfect. Wow. That was all
on top of the biscuit like in the biscuit the
biscuit was So it's a sandwich. Yeah, best breakfast sandwich.
Because I mean, I don't want to mean to challenge,
but it sounds like all the ingredients are stacked on
top of the biscuit. I understand stack inside. So for
(04:24):
all of our Finnish and German listeners, next time you're
in l a limon puppy seed or how to see
the alcoves? All right? Next up it's Chris Alvarado. This
is kind of funny. Say Chris, you're liking an Applebee's
or t GF Fridays and for free they dropped some
appataze at your table. What would you want it to be? Hmm.
(04:48):
First of all, I'm happy that I met one of
those places. I haven't been one of those in a
long time, and there's a sort of a comfort to that.
So I'm already in a good mood. I like the atmosphere.
I'm wanting it to be something I could do hip,
maybe something in like immediate mozzarella sticks, potato wedges, all
things I haven't had in years, but sounds fucking great.
(05:09):
Either of those would do. Yeah, that's not good right
about now. I had a cold mozarella stick recently. Fine,
ye still holds up, becomes a stick either way, you're fine.
Next up is Craig Kowski. Craig, if you could own
one historic movie prop, what would you want? Oh, oh,
(05:34):
historic movie Jesus Christ, you can lose? Yeah, oh my god,
something clips. There's nipple clamps. If the Sharper Image didn't
(05:58):
already sell it, I guess i'd say Hans the locked
in carbonite. But that's that's a bab The real set
used one. I mean the real I want the real one.
I want to Harrison Ford carbonite. Harrison Ford, the a
G is now carbonite and the grumpiest piece of art
that they're happy. Uh. Last, but not least, it's Joey, Joey.
(06:22):
I hear you just bought a souped up vehicle. Tell
us about it. Oh my god, yes I did. I
got a nine two Bronco and I have a clear
plexiglass frame. For it everything, and I got Minnestroni soup
right inside it. So the entire car is suped up.
Every single piece has soup just running through it. It's amazing.
(06:45):
It's such a work of art. Bad news is because
it's clear plexic glass and it is soup that the
I can't park it outside. I had it on the
street it started boiling and exploding, so like the door
just like shot off and like some of the fender.
But we're working on that. So maybe we're gonna use
like a like a Olive green kind of tinted glass
(07:05):
or something for the future. But still the technology is
they're the future is now. You can have a soupcard set.
I mean, I've got one that runs on breadsticks. If
you want to race, i'd fucking smoke your us. Are
you shooting all right? Let's do a damn show, Shelly.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
(07:26):
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy this if you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email. Please write to the podcast that
are email address. It's not new anymore, Alchemy. This email
at gmail dot com. That's email. Dog On is from
(07:49):
Alchemy v I P. Thomas Lawson, who wrote, Hey, Alchemy Gang.
After months of dragging my feet, I finally subscribed to
the pattern. You guys are too hysterical to resist my suggestion.
Skin pockets. M M, skin pockets? Right? Are you doing so?
Are you're looking for a suit? Yeah? I'm looking for
(08:12):
something that looks fancy but feels comfortable, and I don't
want to look bulk keef. I've got a lot of
stuff to carry with me at the wedding. Okay, uh,
it's are you so you're working a wedding? Is that correct? No,
I'm just going to a wedding. But I want to
be able to have my camera with me. I want
to be able to have my wallet, but I don't
(08:33):
want to have all my pockets full. And I don't
want to like a Fannie pack or cargo pants, but
something that looks fancy. You know what, maybe I'm just
at the wrong place. No, no, no, no no, shut the
funk up. Come here, Okay you're okay, Wow, that's that's aggressive. Sales.
I like God. Now, normally, when you buy a fancy outfit,
(08:58):
it should feel just is good. But let me say
you this, How often I have been wearing pants or
shirt jacket and it just wasn't enough. Even if it
was deep, it still felt like it was constricted to
your chest or even bulk, you know, your hips. It
just didn't feel natural. Right. What if I was to
tell you that I could actually hold on one second,
(09:20):
let me just answer my phone. Oh my god, Oh
my god. Yeah, I'll take the call later. I noticed
your naked. No one ever does, because I'm wearing a
skin suit, my own skin. Ah, I don't know. He
(09:43):
didn't answer the phone. I couldn't tell him, Oh well,
you know what this should. He wanted to be surprised anyways,
So let's just not even worry about his preferences and
let's shop. Let's shop for a dress. Okay. I just
feel like he's gonna love you in anything that you
but he's in he's like in fashion, you know what
(10:04):
I mean? And I thought his input would be helpful.
I think that he's he'll love a surprise. And you know,
you don't have to be in fashion to be fashionable
believe in yourself. Again, you don't have to be in
fashion to be fashionable, Candice, And here's your two champagne's.
(10:28):
The ladies, have you had an opportunity to kind of
look at the dress to get an idea of what
you want to be trying today? Like I think, I
think I have a mermaid silhouette, so maybe some kind
of mermaid mermaid I'm sorry, yes, don't Yes? Of course
we have that, yes, did you? Yeah? She wants to
try on the mermaid cut. Anything that you have mermaid cut,
that's what she wants to fucking try on. Okay, of
course there might not be that many of us selection
(10:50):
because I was a couple of years ago of the
fashion transform mermaids. But that let me see what we
still have. Thank you. Okay, I feel anxious now, I
feel like and just don't worry. This is your I
don't want you to feel anything but awesome. So let
me take care of her. Yeah, I'm the groomsmith at
the wedding, so I want to make sure that I
(11:10):
have everything needed for the groom Do you know what
do you know the responsibilities of being in a wedding?
Uh huh maybe And of course I fucking do all right?
My cell suits. I love your confidence skin pockets. Oh skin, Taylor,
(11:36):
this is here? You go. Oh he's touching me. Oh yes,
he's just getting a feel for what he's working with
a lot of material to work. So what do I put,
like over my skin? I put something else to Yeah, yeah,
like Hugo's Okay, I gotta adswer this call. Where are
you going? Hey? What's up about work? I know, I know.
(11:59):
I I just wanted to tell you I love you.
You love me? Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, no matter what,
no matter what. Hello, I don't know. He hung up,
He hung up. But I feel like you're here. You're here.
I feel good. We're gonna have a great time. You're
the bride. This is like the only time in your
(12:20):
life hopefully that this is going to happen for you,
you know, brighter groom side. Oh I love your suit.
Who are you wearing? Uh? Well, it turns out that
it's my own skin? Are your own? Huh? Yeah? I
(12:46):
haven't tried that. I've tried all the skins. I wish
I would have. I wish I would have. It wasn't
an option given to me. And I'm still actually kind
of healing up. So I just think I'm gonna stand
where where is the skin you least use? Well? I
use all for most people. It's the butt, but I
(13:06):
can take from anywhere you go. I guess, I guess
it is the but it's the one I used to most.
But what I was imagining is this, Maybe i'd get
somebody else's skin. Hugo. We're gonna need to rush on that. Okay,
I got another job over here for you. I wouldn't
rush you. I am, I am Hugo. Boss. Wow, let's
(13:30):
I have the boss of the fighting. I've heard of you,
and I don't know a lot about like the wow factor?
Right I should I shouldn't know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll know.
We'll try on a different one. Can we get another one? Yes?
Is the centaur dress not doing good? You want something else?
If we wanted murder made? But if you don't have that,
(13:51):
let me see. Can you just give us it's a
couple of decades ago for the mermaid? But yeah, let
me check. Where do you get your confidence? Honestly? I
need to know, honestly. Okay, do you ever watch Channel
four at around three am? No? Okay, Well, there's this
(14:13):
woman who talks about confidence, and then she takes this
pill and then there's a phone number and then if
you call it, you get the pills and you can
buy twenty bottles for the price of ten. And yes
it's still seven dollars, but that's better than fourteen, you know.
So I did. I ended up calling, and I have
to say, like, I don't really pee anymore, and I
(14:36):
have a lot of pain under my ribs. But other
than that, I like, I could fucking where do you
be anything? Could I try one of those? Honestly? All
confidence is everything. I mean, doesn't know us right now
and I don't give a ship, okay, so just call
(14:57):
this number down there and it's ladies, it's all about confidence, okay,
and we we take everything, uh check, but okay, I'm
gonna answer the phone. All right, Hello, I'm struggling with confidence,
(15:17):
aren't we all? Sing? The Wow? Okay, listen, what you're
doing worked for my friend, and I want to give
it a shot. Uh huh. This thing taped for an infomercial,
by the way, and we just I'm we just this
is going out. It's going out as it is because
(15:39):
I am okay, um, I would like to get what's
your name? Han? Do I have to say that? Okay,
look at my daughter. You look so radiant today. I
can't wait to give you away. I feel so good. Also, Dad,
(15:59):
you're not giving me away, you know what I mean.
I'm giving. I'm taking. I'm taking him in. That's Donna
has Donna is nodding her head. Rights. I love that.
I love this newfound confidence. It's and you look radiant
and the gorgon cut dress. I think you're gonna look
(16:20):
amazing down the runaway there. I can't wait to walk
you down. He's gonna be so lucky to have you, know,
he's I'm lucky. Yeah, he's lucky to have me, right,
huh oh yeah, absolutely. I'm just gonna there's just a
little bit of blood coming out of one of your nipples.
I'm just gonna, Sam, where the hell's a ring? It's
(16:42):
in one of my pockets. The problem misses it. It's
he'll shut what he'll shut, and it hurts to try
to open it up. We need the rings. I'm just
I'm having a hard time. It's just that I have
heated leave your seats and this I guess it's sealed.
It shut. It hurts I'm here here. I heard there
(17:09):
was is on site. This is Hugo, Boss. Don't you
recognize him? I am Hugo that I was dead. You
need me to open your up, but I'm a little tender,
A little tender. You're going to do this? Oh? Was it?
(17:35):
It'll here the one with the giant lump with the
box shape lump. Oh yes, um what the uh Hugo?
That's amazing work me, Ralph Lauren. Uh really it looks
so good. He looks for amazing. What's your secret? Here
(17:55):
you go your confidence and that's our first see. Oh
my god. Two is from our sponsors. Kid Buckets is
from listener, who wrote, this is a pretty simple idea,
(18:20):
so maybe it's been done before. Two sports commentators witnessed
an attempted robbery and murder unfolded right in front of them,
and you know what to do. Thank you and all
and love you the most. Done this one so many times,
but I guess I'll give it a shot. Look, give
(18:41):
me your fucking wallet and the jewelry around your neck. Um,
excuse me, I'm about to go live, so give me
one fucking moment. Okay, is that a camera? Yeah, that's
a camera. And three two. I'm here in Madison Square
Garden where things are about to really heat up. If
(19:05):
the Miami Heat are lucky, they're here are road Warriors.
This is their fourteen road game in a row, which
has been a really rough ride. I'm sorry. I thought
you were gonna let me rob you live on TV,
but you seem to just be ignoring me. Give me
your fucking wallet and give me your jewelry. Keep going,
keep going. You're telling the robber that or who you
(19:26):
talking to are this is a gun? Give me your
wallet and your jewelry. Listen, this is just the pre game. Okay,
not a lot of people are watching this. If you're
gonna do this, come at me during halftime. You know
what I'm saying. I'm trying to help you out. You
come back empty again, no money? Why did you go
(19:47):
to Miami? Go to the Knicks. It'll be a lot easier.
I didn't know what the hell is doing. I I
had a loaded weapon. Well actually it wasn't loaded, but
I didn't want her to call coming. Well you've oh.
I was on national television, but they didn't give me anything,
so I didn't do anything. We're all we gotta get something.
I right, we're running low on fun. Well, I mean
(20:14):
we could try to rob the cops. That's so dumb,
that's brilliant. Yeah, holy ship, all right, I'm gonna get
your license registration place. Okay, I just know that I, um,
I look older than I am. You look older than
(20:38):
you are, So you're younger than you appear. No, you're
a little older than I am. I just didn't want
you to be confused. And he looked at my license
and saw my real age. I'm actually much younger than
I look. You welcome back up? Things sucking me up here?
(21:00):
Now the car? No, I did the license registration right?
Is this her writer? Yeah? This is what got drugs. No,
she says she's older than she looks, or she's younger
than she appears. She's kind of mine fucking me. Hey, Hey,
that's Jeanette Durango, the sports reporter that four that she's
(21:25):
that fourteen year old hold on, hold on, come here,
what do you say? What do you Hey, that's Jeunette Durrango,
the fourteen year old sports reporter. She covers, my old man,
can you sit by the vehicle place? I mean I can,
but can we make it a little fast. I do
have a game to get your fourteen years old driving
a vehicle. But she's got that aging hold on, what
(21:47):
was that her? She's got that aging disease. You seriously,
you have a disease that makes you look four team
but you're actually older. Yeah, so you're your your age
younger than you look. I'm aged younger than I look.
He's got my wickied page up, he's got my wicked
(22:11):
mr Ango. I'm not quite sure how to explain your
disease to you. Um, it's very complicated. So you look
older but younger than you are I think, but I'm
still my accurate age. That's what we're not sure of.
(22:35):
The science hasn't caught up to it yet. Um. So
obviously your age and your appearance do not match. But
we're not sure exactly what the ratio is of actual
age to look age. We're not sure if you're Benjamin
buttoning it, if you're jacking it. We're not sure which
kind of disease you have currently we're trying to put
(22:56):
a handle on. It's gonna be hard to explain it
for you as well. But I can still have a career. Yes,
it will not affect anything um, thanks for coming into
my office. We're gonna try to do what we call
a timeline of your life to see how old we
really think you are. Okay, so where did you go
(23:20):
to college? I'm I'm fourteen. Okay, so you didn't go
to college. That's great news. We've narrowed it down to
you not being more than eighteen years alive on the planet.
Hold on a second, let me just say you don't
need to be eighteen just to go to college. You
can go to college at any time. You would say
this for a while. It's a strange way to start
the timeline. Well, so just just agree with me on this.
(23:43):
If she says she went to Notre Dame, we could
say that, well, if she did that, then she must
have at least spent a solid ten years in regular
school before. No, no, no, there's any Howser disease. Right,
it can be very smart at a young age. I mean,
you can go to college. Almost I didn't. I mean, yeah, exactly,
it's just an arborage. Very well, then, I guess I
don't know how to run a timeline of a person. Okay,
(24:04):
then we're just gonna have to guess how old she is. Well,
what was she bored? Does she know that? Do you
remember when you were bored? And when there's a record
of it? Sean, listen, do you got to get to work? No?
No, no no, no, no no, we've were almost miss Do you
have a record of your birth? And three? Two? Hey,
(24:25):
now I'm so sorry. Can we start that again? Sure?
But I gotta say I love that like starting with like, hey, now,
it's kind of like you've been through a lot. Well,
you're you're old for your age, you know, and that's
gonna put some weird you know. I feel like I
don't know what I know anymore. Well, here's what I know.
(24:49):
You're a damn good broadcaster. I think people love watching you.
Let's go in three Okay, you're doing it up with
Durango and it's as today night. I can't wait to
watch the basketball go in the hoop, flush goes the
poopy as they go into the net and cut, You're back,
(25:12):
You're back. It just took that pep talk. I mean, honestly,
can you be my producer? I know that you're just
you're kind of local here, but can you just come
on the road with me. I'm a road warrior myself
and I only did. I can't I can't leave. By
the way, there's a guy with a mask looking at
you over there, like a full thing like ski mask.
(25:33):
I think she's being I think I'm being pointed out
right now. Uh, they're pointing at me. Relax, just relax,
I don't know. Ay, that's that's the guy I try
to rob your net Durango again. That's the guy who
tried to rap a Durango last week while on air
(25:55):
a flush. Okay, I think I'm gonna have to abandon
mission to rob her. Okay, I think I'm being livestream.
I got him that mustache ship that the ski mask
doesn't cover my mustache. Oh my god, oh my fuck,
oh my fuck. Yeah. But you're not just a road warrior.
(26:18):
You're like a You're like a You're like a road warrior. Deal. Look,
she's she's stepped over the county line. Your local. You
can't go past it, all right, she's gotta go. No,
for sure, you're gonna have to get off the bus,
all right. For sure you're local. You can't leave you interesting. Yeah,
(26:39):
I know, say you're good bucks, goodbye, three two, I'm
in here. Wow, listen, I know that you value my
work as a sideline reporter, and I value the job,
(27:00):
and I love to travel and all of that. But
I really want to take it to the next and
to the next level, and I want to I want
to be just a full time whole game commentator, full
time whole gang. Geez a, geez. Do you have any
other phrases? Because I can't imagine flesh goes the poopy
(27:21):
for ninety minutes. So I was wondering if that was
the problem, and if it is, I can work on it.
You know, I'm only fourteen, so I only have so
much in my vocabulary, but I can I can read
up and build a lexicon of better terms. Well, I
want you to buy nine AM tomorrow. I want you
(27:42):
to put that on my desk, A bunch of different
alternatives to flesh goes to poopy. It's fine for three pointers,
but we gotta work on block shots. We gotta work
on dunks assists. The meat up is pretty good. I'm
kilan how it's worked. You know. I was thinking that
in general, what we could do is we're going to
add to the porch. But saying I want to add
to the porch, we could just go underneath the porch
(28:03):
and have a little extra basement down there. Gonna need
the porch. This meet loop, it's very good. How about Dylan?
How it was working? So anyway the outside of the
entire district that I'm working at, because you're replanning it.
You know, we're doing dealt. We're gonna add parking spots.
I thought, well, I have even just like a little
parking mirrors when we could have just people out there
holding coins. Isn't it just the same thing. It's just effective,
(28:24):
just meet up. It's good, Dylan, how was working? I
wanted to divorce. This isn't working Grandpapa, Grandpa Mom died
the years ago. Sweetheart done? How's working? I had a
strange connection this afternoon at work. Wait a minute, well,
(28:45):
it's not straight strange in the sense that humans can connect.
It's just strange that she happens to be Oh my gosh, fourteen,
what are you doing? Kids shows? Now? That's that's that's no. Maybe,
but I want to be more than local. Do you
(29:07):
ever consider that? Oh? We love being local. It's me.
It's good. I tried to rob her a second time.
Somebody started live streaming me pointed out my mustache, which
we need better masks. If we're going to do this professionally, well,
you gotta hurry up and do it. She's about to
be promoted the full game. I mean better masks. We
don't have the funds. Yes, no, moss Ski masks, skin masks.
(29:34):
Christ this guy freakybody else out Yeah, but I think
he's got something. Go skin mask, skin mask um on
my face? Man? Oh lord, threes for listener. Alex Gordon Eurote, Hello, alchemists.
(29:58):
I love the show and I've listen to every episode
multiple times. I have a scene suggestion, barbecue smoking competition.
I would love to hear Joey play his redneck character.
Can't wait to listen. Thank you, Alex. All Right, each
of you have been giving the ingredients. Uh and what
were you gonna say? I was talking to my daughter, Well,
don't interrupt. So everyone here has been given their ingredients
(30:22):
and we're just gonna be using pork butts right now
as uh as our protein and court spice it? Do
you want to spice it? Smoke all you want to smoke?
And uh in about sixteen hours we'll be back, all right,
so enjoy. I have a great time, sweetheart. Oh I
wasn't done. Don't interrupt, all right, Okay, So I have
(30:44):
a great time. Enjoy yourself, really live it up, baby.
I think that you want to be here. You find
this fun. So just like go nuts, like, don't follow
the rules, you know, explore go experiment. Thanks. Okay, all right?
If I asked you what ingredients you were given? Because
(31:06):
I was given the pork, but which is the protein
that we're all using? But my other ingredient they just
gave me triscuits and capers. Oh they gave me anchovies
and watermelon. Okay, alright, so they're they're going weird with
with everyone. Yeah, a little bit weird. Al Right, Well,
this is this is a challenge because I'm pretty good
(31:26):
at smoking meat and serving it up some with some
sides and some you know some it's so tender it
usually doesn't need sauce. But I can do sauce as well.
But I don't know triscuits and capers or this is
gonna be a challenge. Have you ever tried to smoke
a meat like um inhale it? Uh? Oh? I see what? Yeah,
(31:47):
like smoke it? Like like smoking it, because one time
I did. I did to find them some I got
just some computer paper and I um cut it up
into small almost like rolling papers, and then I just
put in some dealt like loose Deli meat in there,
and then um, you know, I wroted it as if
it was a joint. And then I how old are you, darling?
I'm fourteen. Oh wow, you look much younger. I look
(32:11):
really really young. Um, but I'm actually fourteen. The doctors
say that there is something wrong, but they're not sure.
It might be the confidence pills that I've been taking
on my life. Just wandering one ingredients you guys, because mine,
oh really strange. What what what do you got? Ted? Oh?
I got hearts of palm and twigs, twigs candy man.
(32:35):
That twix is gonna melt right away. You will be
left with the wafer. The wafer is good, not bad,
but you're not careful. That caramel in it is gonna
is gonna burn that that that burns quite quickly. So
you just got a lawn chair here watching them smoke. Yeah,
it's my daughter. Yeah, my daughter too. Yeah. Do you smoke? No?
(33:05):
Not for years? You might if I light up? No,
please please? All right. It's pig feet. Yeah, it's a
beautiful day. It's a beautiful day for a competition, you know,
nice and Chris. But the sun's out. Oh yeah, gona
be here for a while. We're gonna cook ourselves. Yeah,
that sun screening out. So who do you know? Who
(33:26):
do you know that in the competition? I don't know anybody.
I just come out here to look. You know, that's
nice man security. Uh. I was told by somebody that
somewhere in this someone in this area is smoking. Oh
it's him. Oh you, I'm sorry, sir. You should have
been told when he walked in there's no smoking at
(33:47):
this compet should just probably signed the meats. Perhaps, No,
he's smoking. That saw him doing he can you take
this hip from me? Please? How would you do this
to me? Please take this hip from me. Yeah he
was doing it. He was okay, that could happen, Yeah, okay,
yeah it was me. I was all right. Well then
put your hands behind your back? Wait? What what do
you mean what this is a smoking competition and you
(34:10):
are now? Look Okay, I don't know what they told you. Okay,
but I got a lot of my plate, so I'm
gonna do the best. I can't from your case, but
I can't guarantee anything. Okay, I just want to say
that up front. I'm a very honest person, alright, I'm
just I just gonna be honest with you. Give a
lot a lot of ship went down. First of all,
he was a security guard. I don't think he has
actual authority to arrest me. Second of what am my
gamest forwards? Lighting up a pig's foot like that doesn't
(34:30):
make any sense. Third of all, my daughter, you light
have a pig foot? Are you smoking? It was handed
to me lit? Oh my god, yes, ship, that's us. M.
Julia Epstein presiding. Thank you. Everybody can sit down, please
(34:59):
be you did? Everybody can rise once again? Rise all right,
we can now take our seat. Please be seated, your honor.
Oh my god, oh god? Oh sorry, your um you're
(35:25):
my client. Uh it's a trunk addict. Okay, he loves smoky,
big sweet okay, kick getting enough all right, he's looked
on it, all right, he's looked on it, So maybe
some leniency. Well we'll do, we'll please, we'll please out
(35:47):
we can Well, hey, you look down, a little miss.
Where's your papa? I don't know. I've been looking for
him for days. It feels like and my needs not
going well. The watermelon and the anchovies have created less
(36:08):
of a uh marinate and more of a paste. Did
you if if I taste what what you get going there?
You could taste it? Um. It's not fully cooked though,
so it might get you a little bit sick. This
is fantastic. Then they have a little peck Okay, but again,
(36:30):
I mean that's that's what these ant because this is
this is out of this world. You got talent? Can
I try yours too? I want to kind of get
an idea, and you guys can try mine as well. Well.
I just want I want to wait till everything is
fully cooked before I delve in. I've had some stomach
(36:52):
issues in the past. Hot damn man, Look you're looking
at and I don't think I can see you for
a while. Man, what what did you get logged up for? For?
You fucking asshole? What? And furthermore, I joined a gang
since I've been in here. We're gonna break out tomorrow night.
This is the world. I've joined the Lost Pineapples. Oh man,
(37:12):
I don't tell you. I mean I'm ship man, I'm
a I'm a narc man. What tell the guard man,
these pineapples to get out of this person so I
can get to my daughter who's in this Because my
buzzer went off. You said you needed a guard, Yes, sir,
my alright, air is gonna escape. That's not true. Really,
(37:37):
is that a tattoo of a pineapple on your back? Yeah?
A pineapple? Boys, aren't you a security guard? Oh? Yes
i am, Thanks for noticing. I'm a security guard. Cop detective. Huh,
I wear a lot of hats around here. I'm gonna
(37:58):
need you to put your hands through these bars. What
do you mean this is all your fault. By the way,
you're going back to Judge Epstein. Wait what we're doing
the double truck? Right, Honorable Julia Epstein presigning. Thank you,
we got this. Don't worry. All right, we got this.
(38:20):
My last guy was a fucking nut. If you could
just help me. There's been some misunderstandings here. Okay, all right,
we can take our seat. Please be seated. You know what,
Let's get up again, all right, one ft, everybody on
the right foot, right foot, We lift the right foot
or we just we're gonna be on our balancing in
(38:41):
our right foot. Chack it all about m don't lose balanced.
Now all right, looks good. Let's sit down. Okay, go
for it, your honor. My client is here on terrorism charges.
No I'm not no, I'm not well, judge. I guess
(39:05):
all I did was put the pork on the trisket
and sprinkled some of the capers on top. So all right,
so let me take a bite. Here are those Thompson's
capers or a great Muppet just whatever? Whatever? They whatever
they gave me I think they are. I think they
are great Muppet capers. Yeah, okay, well it's not bad.
(39:26):
I don't know if it's a winning ingredient, but we'll
just see how the others stack up. You are, you,
young lady. Let me have a taste. Okay, yeah, here
you um here you are, and your surprise ingredients were
watermelon and anchovies. Difficult combination. Uh, let me take a
(39:52):
little bite. I don't think this is gonna have gone well.
But oh my god, this is just the subtle notes
of the ant chovies with the refreshing springtime summertime watermelon.
It's just a it's a taste sensation I've never had before. Right,
(40:12):
I don't even need to taste the third guys, thing,
because this clearly it's the winner. I hope you have
someone here to celebrate with, because this is a big
time win for you little spineapple boys. All right, I
didn't I killed him? How come can you get me
out of this prison or not? Sorry, you just passed
(40:36):
the first test. Oh shoot, I know you? Are you
a pineapple boss? Ye? Oh man, I'm hit Pineapple? What's up?
Why don't you me? I just killed this man because
I was told if I killed this maniple gives you
can break me out, not you. But oh yeah, I
mean I'm running. I'm the shot color here. Yeah, I
mean ship. Where did I make you before? And I
(41:00):
just kind of place that for the reason why I'm
in here. I met you at the park. I don't
know how long ago. I don't know what time is anymore.
I was there to watch my daughter. She's fourteen, she
looks older, she actual, but she's my angel, and she's
there to cook me and smoked me in a competition.
And then the security archument doesn't say you can't smoke here,
and then you handed me that smoked pigs me and
the thing, and then I like, I'm here, I mean
(41:21):
here and six that was sixteen hours ago, fucking tired,
and I killed them and I missed my daughter. I
just want to get out of here, or we'll see
what we can do. I got you all right, okay, ah,
(41:42):
young lady. I so terrible news your father. I was
trying to get back to you, but someone smuggled a
knife inside in their skin pockets and inside where what
are you talking about? Inside? To sell your father was
I was killed? What? Wait? What? I'm so sorry? Wait
(42:07):
wait wait wait wait does that mean? Does that mean
the second place gets the title? Or how does that works?
Let's see what everybody's up to. Chris Alvarado, oh man,
thanks for having me, Um. I love playing with you.
Cole left playing with everybody. I have another podcast called
(42:27):
Comedy Face, where we explore you know things about comedy.
But I didn't want to mention on the Reddit, there's
a question there for James. Has just been sitting there.
Poor James hasn't hasn't answered it. It's from user bister
zero one. The title is game question for James, and
the question is, James, do you play any of the
(42:50):
super Cell games? I've never even been No, I don't
know what super cellists. I'll have to search it. Wow. Wow,
have you guys heard of super So? We're not gamers,
you are you? I've never heard of it. It was
a splinter cell. I'm gonna go to Reddit and I'll
(43:15):
do my own sleuthing and find out what super so.
Thank you, Thank you, Jackie Gonzalez Dorothy. Yes, I just
looked up super Cell and it's the makers of Heyday. Hi, Chris.
Clash of Plans boom Beach. Does that help you, James? Oh?
(43:35):
It does, and I definitely. I don't play that game.
I've never heard of it until now. But I've never
played Clash of Titan. Those are like um mobile games games.
And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with mobile
bo you played them on your phone? Uh, and I
look disgusting. No, did I bring names. I bring my
(44:00):
PlayStation anywhere I go. I might a doctor's office. I
have a have like a sixty and l E D
eight K TV with my PS four ready to go.
I mean I only know those like Clash of Clans
and things is because like they pop up as ads
UM the mobile games I do play, like June's Journey
shout out things like that. So I have never played
this either, but shout out towards his friends. Um, I
(44:23):
used to play that game. That's my favorite one. I
am an addict. I only play solo stuff as Um.
Some people are starting to try to use it as
a dating site. Um it is not true. Yeah, they
like have a chat part now, and so people will
be like, hey, how are you like? You look great
(44:44):
and it's like whoa, Um, I just want to I
just want to get motherfucker's Well, that's the thing. It's
connected to Facebook. My photo is quite far away. It's
not like my face. Um. But I don't like only
play solo stuff there. I rock on my solo stuff.
I don't need to be waiting on somebody else to
(45:05):
get it on the board. And I don't need to
be waiting to listen to the most wonderful pot of
the year because it's happening. I don't need to wait
for that. It's happening. Talking about Christmas movies isn't that fun?
Thank you for having me this is This has been
a real blast. Of course, Craig Kikowski as the resident
spelling and grammar snob, I haven't had occasion to rail
(45:27):
against anything lately, but I recently read in a current
best selling novel which I won't throw under the bus
like Jackie feel Um. The they used the phrase put
through the ringer spelled without the W. So you know
you're talking about ringing like like an old fashioned clothes
(45:50):
ringer with a W that would you ring your your
wet clothes dry. That's what put through the ringer is.
Don't spell it with an R without the W. I
don't think I let to know that. I thought it
was when you put somebody up in a bell and
that hammer that nails the bell instead of hitting the metal,
it's just hammering the person you put in the ringer. No,
(46:10):
and then a dead ring and a dead ringer would
be spelled without the W. And what does that mean? Uh?
Something that hit that note like maybe it's I don't
know exactly where the phrase comes from, but maybe dead
ringer Like it's like it's spot on, like like you
(46:32):
hit the note, you wrung the note correctly on the bell.
I don't know ringer James Daney. Uh, you know, just
go over to game front on YouTube and there's a
whole bunch of stuff older you can check up. You know,
I really want to take this opportunity to promote something
(46:55):
that's really near and dear to my heart, and um,
I forgot what it was. I just forgot what it was,
but just just know that it is very close to
me and very personal. Was it the alcove? I don't remember.
I'm gonna take this opportunity since the Ringer thing reminded
(47:15):
me to throw Ernest client under the bus because in
uh ready player too, uh, there's a thing where he
references Magnum p I and his Detroit Lions cap, which,
if you know anything about Magnum he wears a tiger's hat.
Actel fully wears a lions jacket in Beverly Hills cop series,
but not it's a tiger's hat. It's very iconic. So
(47:37):
it's just like, do you do reference everything in the world,
and you, nor your editors, nor anybody pick that up.
Kind of kissed me off. But other than the book
not being good, but there you go. The first one
it was great, the second one was bad. It's not
it's not great. I mean I like the first one
a lot, but then again, like you know me, I'm
a pop culture reference nerds, so um, yeah, that's just
(48:00):
felt like I guess where you have a reason to
do a book. So yeah, not great. Sadly you can
follow me at cold Stranton rat Stratton Cole on the
Socials Sketches dot com line about November nineteen, very possibly
will be including I don't know this podcast you're listening to,
so check that out. Let's thank our amazing engineering producer
(48:22):
Doug Bain and the fine folks at I Heart Media
dot com. Do please write to us at Alchemy this
email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy this email. Until
next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. There. Now, let's
meet everybody, shall we first up games? What's your favorite cartoon?
I like The Brack Show. I like a lot of
adult swim cartoons. It's the first one that came to mind,
(00:24):
and I love it. It's The Brack Show. Yeah, and
I don't know if that's my favorite though. I also
like Sea lab One or you know a lot of cartoons. Nice.
The d C Universe just came out with The Long Halloween,
so everyone can enjoy Calendar Man and uh like, you
(00:48):
can watch the cartoon version of The Long Halloween. And finally, no,
that's my favorite cartoons. The longest running controversy in Alchemy
this this calendar band existence. Hey, it's Jackie Gonzalez t
Ruthie Jackie. Is there a place you wanted to go
when you were little and then you got there later
(01:08):
in life? In it wasn't all that great? No, No,
I enjoyed visiting other places. Um No, I've I really
enjoyed all of my travel and um different place experiences.
There's no place you ever went and you're like, this
place kind of blows even if you didn't romanticize it
(01:29):
as a kid. Maybe like a restaurant I'm trying to
think of. Maybe, Yeah, I feel like I'll go I'll
go local. I feel like sometimes restaurants are really hyped
up and you're like like this is gonna be and
I'm going to fall out and we're gonna go to
this awesome as restaurant and then um it's like oh okay,
Like that was like okay, like that, you know what
(01:51):
is perfect? I'm gonna throw one under the bus. Should
I do it? Do? It's a I'm gonna do it
because I used to live in those feels. So everyone
would be like, oh my god, do you live at
the Alcove? I'm like, fuck no, because their food is trash.
They have a patio, and for whatever reason, that means
(02:12):
like in l A, if you have outdoor seating, that
equates to people. I was like, this is a good restaurant.
This is a good restaurant, and the food is good.
But it's like, no, I think that they have a
lovely patio and you've been blinded by that into thinking
that the food is delicious. And I'm so sorry. Now
I feel bad about calling out the Alcohove, but right
(02:34):
it's actually my favorite place, but right across the streets
Delicious Anniversary every year across the street is Must has
delicious sandwiches and does not get any praise because it
doesn't have the same from the alcohol. But I like
(02:57):
a cold brew from the Alcove. I'm not talking out
their co about their bakery, but you know, if people
are like, nut's good, I'm like, oh, you don't like food,
I might, I might not like food. Oh if you
don't like food, yeah, I mean you just eat pies.
So I don't know if you're like I was thinking
(03:17):
the other day, I was like, if there was enough
nutrients in like a bowl of rice, I could get
away with just doing that. Just eat rice every day. Yeah,
I love rice. The way you feel about the Alcove
is kind of how I feel about almost every single
brunch place where people are like waiting outside for like
forty five minutes to an hour again, and I'm like,
it's just eggs and my most like, what is wrong
with you? You can get that anywhere. I just had
(03:38):
the best breakfast sandwich of my life. Okay, so as
I teared one, as I tore one down, I'm going
to lift a couple more. But at lemon poppy seed. Um,
good god. It was a fresh made biscuit, apple butter,
cheddar cheese, a turkey sausage, patti and a fried egg
(03:59):
and holy fuck it was perfect. Wow. That was all
on top of the biscuit like in the biscuit the
biscuit was So it's a sandwich. Yeah, best breakfast sandwich.
Because I mean, I don't want to mean to challenge,
but it sounds like all the ingredients are stacked on
top of the biscuit. I understand stack inside. So for
(04:24):
all of our Finnish and German listeners, next time you're
in l a limon puppy seed or how to see
the alcoves? All right? Next up it's Chris Alvarado. This
is kind of funny. Say Chris, you're liking an Applebee's
or t GF Fridays and for free they dropped some
appataze at your table. What would you want it to be? Hmm.
(04:48):
First of all, I'm happy that I met one of
those places. I haven't been one of those in a
long time, and there's a sort of a comfort to that.
So I'm already in a good mood. I like the atmosphere.
I'm wanting it to be something I could do hip,
maybe something in like immediate mozzarella sticks, potato wedges, all
things I haven't had in years, but sounds fucking great.
(05:09):
Either of those would do. Yeah, that's not good right
about now. I had a cold mozarella stick recently. Fine,
ye still holds up, becomes a stick either way, you're fine.
Next up is Craig Kowski. Craig, if you could own
one historic movie prop, what would you want? Oh, oh,
(05:34):
historic movie Jesus Christ, you can lose? Yeah, oh my god,
something clips. There's nipple clamps. If the Sharper Image didn't
(05:58):
already sell it, I guess i'd say Hans the locked
in carbonite. But that's that's a bab The real set
used one. I mean the real I want the real one.
I want to Harrison Ford carbonite. Harrison Ford, the a
G is now carbonite and the grumpiest piece of art
that they're happy. Uh. Last, but not least, it's Joey, Joey.
(06:22):
I hear you just bought a souped up vehicle. Tell
us about it. Oh my god, yes I did. I
got a nine two Bronco and I have a clear
plexiglass frame. For it everything, and I got Minnestroni soup
right inside it. So the entire car is suped up.
Every single piece has soup just running through it. It's amazing.
(06:45):
It's such a work of art. Bad news is because
it's clear plexic glass and it is soup that the
I can't park it outside. I had it on the
street it started boiling and exploding, so like the door
just like shot off and like some of the fender.
But we're working on that. So maybe we're gonna use
like a like a Olive green kind of tinted glass
(07:05):
or something for the future. But still the technology is
they're the future is now. You can have a soupcard set.
I mean, I've got one that runs on breadsticks. If
you want to race, i'd fucking smoke your us. Are
you shooting all right? Let's do a damn show, Shelly.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
or from our Patreon v I p s. To become
(07:26):
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy this if you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email. Please write to the podcast that
are email address. It's not new anymore, Alchemy. This email
at gmail dot com. That's email. Dog On is from
(07:49):
Alchemy v I P. Thomas Lawson, who wrote, Hey, Alchemy Gang.
After months of dragging my feet, I finally subscribed to
the pattern. You guys are too hysterical to resist my suggestion.
Skin pockets. M M, skin pockets? Right? Are you doing so?
Are you're looking for a suit? Yeah? I'm looking for
(08:12):
something that looks fancy but feels comfortable, and I don't
want to look bulk keef. I've got a lot of
stuff to carry with me at the wedding. Okay, uh,
it's are you so you're working a wedding? Is that correct? No,
I'm just going to a wedding. But I want to
be able to have my camera with me. I want
to be able to have my wallet, but I don't
(08:33):
want to have all my pockets full. And I don't
want to like a Fannie pack or cargo pants, but
something that looks fancy. You know what, maybe I'm just
at the wrong place. No, no, no, no no, shut the
funk up. Come here, Okay you're okay, Wow, that's that's aggressive. Sales.
I like God. Now, normally, when you buy a fancy outfit,
(08:58):
it should feel just is good. But let me say
you this, How often I have been wearing pants or
shirt jacket and it just wasn't enough. Even if it
was deep, it still felt like it was constricted to
your chest or even bulk, you know, your hips. It
just didn't feel natural. Right. What if I was to
tell you that I could actually hold on one second,
(09:20):
let me just answer my phone. Oh my god, Oh
my god. Yeah, I'll take the call later. I noticed
your naked. No one ever does, because I'm wearing a
skin suit, my own skin. Ah, I don't know. He
(09:43):
didn't answer the phone. I couldn't tell him, Oh well,
you know what this should. He wanted to be surprised anyways,
So let's just not even worry about his preferences and
let's shop. Let's shop for a dress. Okay. I just
feel like he's gonna love you in anything that you
but he's in he's like in fashion, you know what
(10:04):
I mean? And I thought his input would be helpful.
I think that he's he'll love a surprise. And you know,
you don't have to be in fashion to be fashionable
believe in yourself. Again, you don't have to be in
fashion to be fashionable, Candice, And here's your two champagne's.
(10:28):
The ladies, have you had an opportunity to kind of
look at the dress to get an idea of what
you want to be trying today? Like I think, I
think I have a mermaid silhouette, so maybe some kind
of mermaid mermaid I'm sorry, yes, don't Yes? Of course
we have that, yes, did you? Yeah? She wants to
try on the mermaid cut. Anything that you have mermaid cut,
that's what she wants to fucking try on. Okay, of
course there might not be that many of us selection
(10:50):
because I was a couple of years ago of the
fashion transform mermaids. But that let me see what we
still have. Thank you. Okay, I feel anxious now, I
feel like and just don't worry. This is your I
don't want you to feel anything but awesome. So let
me take care of her. Yeah, I'm the groomsmith at
the wedding, so I want to make sure that I
(11:10):
have everything needed for the groom Do you know what
do you know the responsibilities of being in a wedding?
Uh huh maybe And of course I fucking do all right?
My cell suits. I love your confidence skin pockets. Oh skin, Taylor,
(11:36):
this is here? You go. Oh he's touching me. Oh yes,
he's just getting a feel for what he's working with
a lot of material to work. So what do I put,
like over my skin? I put something else to Yeah, yeah,
like Hugo's Okay, I gotta adswer this call. Where are
you going? Hey? What's up about work? I know, I know.
(11:59):
I I just wanted to tell you I love you.
You love me? Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, no matter what,
no matter what. Hello, I don't know. He hung up,
He hung up. But I feel like you're here. You're here.
I feel good. We're gonna have a great time. You're
the bride. This is like the only time in your
(12:20):
life hopefully that this is going to happen for you,
you know, brighter groom side. Oh I love your suit.
Who are you wearing? Uh? Well, it turns out that
it's my own skin? Are your own? Huh? Yeah? I
(12:46):
haven't tried that. I've tried all the skins. I wish
I would have. I wish I would have. It wasn't
an option given to me. And I'm still actually kind
of healing up. So I just think I'm gonna stand
where where is the skin you least use? Well? I
use all for most people. It's the butt, but I
(13:06):
can take from anywhere you go. I guess, I guess
it is the but it's the one I used to most.
But what I was imagining is this, Maybe i'd get
somebody else's skin. Hugo. We're gonna need to rush on that. Okay,
I got another job over here for you. I wouldn't
rush you. I am, I am Hugo. Boss. Wow, let's
(13:30):
I have the boss of the fighting. I've heard of you,
and I don't know a lot about like the wow factor?
Right I should I shouldn't know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll know.
We'll try on a different one. Can we get another one? Yes?
Is the centaur dress not doing good? You want something else?
If we wanted murder made? But if you don't have that,
(13:51):
let me see. Can you just give us it's a
couple of decades ago for the mermaid? But yeah, let
me check. Where do you get your confidence? Honestly? I
need to know, honestly. Okay, do you ever watch Channel
four at around three am? No? Okay, Well, there's this
(14:13):
woman who talks about confidence, and then she takes this
pill and then there's a phone number and then if
you call it, you get the pills and you can
buy twenty bottles for the price of ten. And yes
it's still seven dollars, but that's better than fourteen, you know.
So I did. I ended up calling, and I have
to say, like, I don't really pee anymore, and I
(14:36):
have a lot of pain under my ribs. But other
than that, I like, I could fucking where do you
be anything? Could I try one of those? Honestly? All
confidence is everything. I mean, doesn't know us right now
and I don't give a ship, okay, so just call
(14:57):
this number down there and it's ladies, it's all about confidence, okay,
and we we take everything, uh check, but okay, I'm
gonna answer the phone. All right, Hello, I'm struggling with confidence,
(15:17):
aren't we all? Sing? The Wow? Okay, listen, what you're
doing worked for my friend, and I want to give
it a shot. Uh huh. This thing taped for an infomercial,
by the way, and we just I'm we just this
is going out. It's going out as it is because
(15:39):
I am okay, um, I would like to get what's
your name? Han? Do I have to say that? Okay,
look at my daughter. You look so radiant today. I
can't wait to give you away. I feel so good. Also, Dad,
(15:59):
you're not giving me away, you know what I mean.
I'm giving. I'm taking. I'm taking him in. That's Donna
has Donna is nodding her head. Rights. I love that.
I love this newfound confidence. It's and you look radiant
and the gorgon cut dress. I think you're gonna look
(16:20):
amazing down the runaway there. I can't wait to walk
you down. He's gonna be so lucky to have you, know,
he's I'm lucky. Yeah, he's lucky to have me, right,
huh oh yeah, absolutely. I'm just gonna there's just a
little bit of blood coming out of one of your nipples.
I'm just gonna, Sam, where the hell's a ring? It's
(16:42):
in one of my pockets. The problem misses it. It's
he'll shut what he'll shut, and it hurts to try
to open it up. We need the rings. I'm just
I'm having a hard time. It's just that I have
heated leave your seats and this I guess it's sealed.
It shut. It hurts I'm here here. I heard there
(17:09):
was is on site. This is Hugo, Boss. Don't you
recognize him? I am Hugo that I was dead. You
need me to open your up, but I'm a little tender,
A little tender. You're going to do this? Oh? Was it?
(17:35):
It'll here the one with the giant lump with the
box shape lump. Oh yes, um what the uh Hugo?
That's amazing work me, Ralph Lauren. Uh really it looks
so good. He looks for amazing. What's your secret? Here
(17:55):
you go your confidence and that's our first see. Oh
my god. Two is from our sponsors. Kid Buckets is
from listener, who wrote, this is a pretty simple idea,
(18:20):
so maybe it's been done before. Two sports commentators witnessed
an attempted robbery and murder unfolded right in front of them,
and you know what to do. Thank you and all
and love you the most. Done this one so many times,
but I guess I'll give it a shot. Look, give
(18:41):
me your fucking wallet and the jewelry around your neck. Um,
excuse me, I'm about to go live, so give me
one fucking moment. Okay, is that a camera? Yeah, that's
a camera. And three two. I'm here in Madison Square
Garden where things are about to really heat up. If
(19:05):
the Miami Heat are lucky, they're here are road Warriors.
This is their fourteen road game in a row, which
has been a really rough ride. I'm sorry. I thought
you were gonna let me rob you live on TV,
but you seem to just be ignoring me. Give me
your fucking wallet and give me your jewelry. Keep going,
keep going. You're telling the robber that or who you
(19:26):
talking to are this is a gun? Give me your
wallet and your jewelry. Listen, this is just the pre game. Okay,
not a lot of people are watching this. If you're
gonna do this, come at me during halftime. You know
what I'm saying. I'm trying to help you out. You
come back empty again, no money? Why did you go
(19:47):
to Miami? Go to the Knicks. It'll be a lot easier.
I didn't know what the hell is doing. I I
had a loaded weapon. Well actually it wasn't loaded, but
I didn't want her to call coming. Well you've oh.
I was on national television, but they didn't give me anything,
so I didn't do anything. We're all we gotta get something.
I right, we're running low on fun. Well, I mean
(20:14):
we could try to rob the cops. That's so dumb,
that's brilliant. Yeah, holy ship, all right, I'm gonna get
your license registration place. Okay, I just know that I, um,
I look older than I am. You look older than
(20:38):
you are, So you're younger than you appear. No, you're
a little older than I am. I just didn't want
you to be confused. And he looked at my license
and saw my real age. I'm actually much younger than
I look. You welcome back up? Things sucking me up here?
(21:00):
Now the car? No, I did the license registration right?
Is this her writer? Yeah? This is what got drugs. No,
she says she's older than she looks, or she's younger
than she appears. She's kind of mine fucking me. Hey, Hey,
that's Jeanette Durango, the sports reporter that four that she's
(21:25):
that fourteen year old hold on, hold on, come here,
what do you say? What do you Hey, that's Jeunette Durrango,
the fourteen year old sports reporter. She covers, my old man,
can you sit by the vehicle place? I mean I can,
but can we make it a little fast. I do
have a game to get your fourteen years old driving
a vehicle. But she's got that aging hold on, what
(21:47):
was that her? She's got that aging disease. You seriously,
you have a disease that makes you look four team
but you're actually older. Yeah, so you're your your age
younger than you look. I'm aged younger than I look.
He's got my wickied page up, he's got my wicked
(22:11):
mr Ango. I'm not quite sure how to explain your
disease to you. Um, it's very complicated. So you look
older but younger than you are I think, but I'm
still my accurate age. That's what we're not sure of.
(22:35):
The science hasn't caught up to it yet. Um. So
obviously your age and your appearance do not match. But
we're not sure exactly what the ratio is of actual
age to look age. We're not sure if you're Benjamin
buttoning it, if you're jacking it. We're not sure which
kind of disease you have currently we're trying to put
(22:56):
a handle on. It's gonna be hard to explain it
for you as well. But I can still have a career. Yes,
it will not affect anything um, thanks for coming into
my office. We're gonna try to do what we call
a timeline of your life to see how old we
really think you are. Okay, so where did you go
(23:20):
to college? I'm I'm fourteen. Okay, so you didn't go
to college. That's great news. We've narrowed it down to
you not being more than eighteen years alive on the planet.
Hold on a second, let me just say you don't
need to be eighteen just to go to college. You
can go to college at any time. You would say
this for a while. It's a strange way to start
the timeline. Well, so just just agree with me on this.
(23:43):
If she says she went to Notre Dame, we could
say that, well, if she did that, then she must
have at least spent a solid ten years in regular
school before. No, no, no, there's any Howser disease. Right,
it can be very smart at a young age. I mean,
you can go to college. Almost I didn't. I mean, yeah, exactly,
it's just an arborage. Very well, then, I guess I
don't know how to run a timeline of a person. Okay,
(24:04):
then we're just gonna have to guess how old she is. Well,
what was she bored? Does she know that? Do you
remember when you were bored? And when there's a record
of it? Sean, listen, do you got to get to work? No?
No, no no, no, no no, we've were almost miss Do you
have a record of your birth? And three? Two? Hey,
(24:25):
now I'm so sorry. Can we start that again? Sure?
But I gotta say I love that like starting with like, hey, now,
it's kind of like you've been through a lot. Well,
you're you're old for your age, you know, and that's
gonna put some weird you know. I feel like I
don't know what I know anymore. Well, here's what I know.
(24:49):
You're a damn good broadcaster. I think people love watching you.
Let's go in three Okay, you're doing it up with
Durango and it's as today night. I can't wait to
watch the basketball go in the hoop, flush goes the
poopy as they go into the net and cut, You're back,
(25:12):
You're back. It just took that pep talk. I mean, honestly,
can you be my producer? I know that you're just
you're kind of local here, but can you just come
on the road with me. I'm a road warrior myself
and I only did. I can't I can't leave. By
the way, there's a guy with a mask looking at
you over there, like a full thing like ski mask.
(25:33):
I think she's being I think I'm being pointed out
right now. Uh, they're pointing at me. Relax, just relax,
I don't know. Ay, that's that's the guy I try
to rob your net Durango again. That's the guy who
tried to rap a Durango last week while on air
(25:55):
a flush. Okay, I think I'm gonna have to abandon
mission to rob her. Okay, I think I'm being livestream.
I got him that mustache ship that the ski mask
doesn't cover my mustache. Oh my god, oh my fuck,
oh my fuck. Yeah. But you're not just a road warrior.
(26:18):
You're like a You're like a You're like a road warrior. Deal. Look,
she's she's stepped over the county line. Your local. You
can't go past it, all right, she's gotta go. No,
for sure, you're gonna have to get off the bus,
all right. For sure you're local. You can't leave you interesting. Yeah,
(26:39):
I know, say you're good bucks, goodbye, three two, I'm
in here. Wow, listen, I know that you value my
work as a sideline reporter, and I value the job,
(27:00):
and I love to travel and all of that. But
I really want to take it to the next and
to the next level, and I want to I want
to be just a full time whole game commentator, full
time whole gang. Geez a, geez. Do you have any
other phrases? Because I can't imagine flesh goes the poopy
(27:21):
for ninety minutes. So I was wondering if that was
the problem, and if it is, I can work on it.
You know, I'm only fourteen, so I only have so
much in my vocabulary, but I can I can read
up and build a lexicon of better terms. Well, I
want you to buy nine AM tomorrow. I want you
(27:42):
to put that on my desk, A bunch of different
alternatives to flesh goes to poopy. It's fine for three pointers,
but we gotta work on block shots. We gotta work
on dunks assists. The meat up is pretty good. I'm
kilan how it's worked. You know. I was thinking that
in general, what we could do is we're going to
add to the porch. But saying I want to add
to the porch, we could just go underneath the porch
(28:03):
and have a little extra basement down there. Gonna need
the porch. This meet loop, it's very good. How about Dylan?
How it was working? So anyway the outside of the
entire district that I'm working at, because you're replanning it.
You know, we're doing dealt. We're gonna add parking spots.
I thought, well, I have even just like a little
parking mirrors when we could have just people out there
holding coins. Isn't it just the same thing. It's just effective,
(28:24):
just meet up. It's good, Dylan, how was working? I
wanted to divorce. This isn't working Grandpapa, Grandpa Mom died
the years ago. Sweetheart done? How's working? I had a
strange connection this afternoon at work. Wait a minute, well,
(28:45):
it's not straight strange in the sense that humans can connect.
It's just strange that she happens to be Oh my gosh, fourteen,
what are you doing? Kids shows? Now? That's that's that's no. Maybe,
but I want to be more than local. Do you
(29:07):
ever consider that? Oh? We love being local. It's me.
It's good. I tried to rob her a second time.
Somebody started live streaming me pointed out my mustache, which
we need better masks. If we're going to do this professionally, well,
you gotta hurry up and do it. She's about to
be promoted the full game. I mean better masks. We
don't have the funds. Yes, no, moss Ski masks, skin masks.
(29:34):
Christ this guy freakybody else out Yeah, but I think
he's got something. Go skin mask, skin mask um on
my face? Man? Oh lord, threes for listener. Alex Gordon Eurote, Hello, alchemists.
(29:58):
I love the show and I've listen to every episode
multiple times. I have a scene suggestion, barbecue smoking competition.
I would love to hear Joey play his redneck character.
Can't wait to listen. Thank you, Alex. All Right, each
of you have been giving the ingredients. Uh and what
were you gonna say? I was talking to my daughter, Well,
don't interrupt. So everyone here has been given their ingredients
(30:22):
and we're just gonna be using pork butts right now
as uh as our protein and court spice it? Do
you want to spice it? Smoke all you want to smoke?
And uh in about sixteen hours we'll be back, all right,
so enjoy. I have a great time, sweetheart. Oh I
wasn't done. Don't interrupt, all right, Okay, So I have
(30:44):
a great time. Enjoy yourself, really live it up, baby.
I think that you want to be here. You find
this fun. So just like go nuts, like, don't follow
the rules, you know, explore go experiment. Thanks. Okay, all right?
If I asked you what ingredients you were given? Because
(31:06):
I was given the pork, but which is the protein
that we're all using? But my other ingredient they just
gave me triscuits and capers. Oh they gave me anchovies
and watermelon. Okay, alright, so they're they're going weird with
with everyone. Yeah, a little bit weird. Al Right, Well,
this is this is a challenge because I'm pretty good
(31:26):
at smoking meat and serving it up some with some
sides and some you know some it's so tender it
usually doesn't need sauce. But I can do sauce as well.
But I don't know triscuits and capers or this is
gonna be a challenge. Have you ever tried to smoke
a meat like um inhale it? Uh? Oh? I see what? Yeah,
(31:47):
like smoke it? Like like smoking it, because one time
I did. I did to find them some I got
just some computer paper and I um cut it up
into small almost like rolling papers, and then I just
put in some dealt like loose Deli meat in there,
and then um, you know, I wroted it as if
it was a joint. And then I how old are you, darling?
I'm fourteen. Oh wow, you look much younger. I look
(32:11):
really really young. Um, but I'm actually fourteen. The doctors
say that there is something wrong, but they're not sure.
It might be the confidence pills that I've been taking
on my life. Just wandering one ingredients you guys, because mine,
oh really strange. What what what do you got? Ted? Oh?
I got hearts of palm and twigs, twigs candy man.
(32:35):
That twix is gonna melt right away. You will be
left with the wafer. The wafer is good, not bad,
but you're not careful. That caramel in it is gonna
is gonna burn that that that burns quite quickly. So
you just got a lawn chair here watching them smoke. Yeah,
it's my daughter. Yeah, my daughter too. Yeah. Do you smoke? No?
(33:05):
Not for years? You might if I light up? No,
please please? All right. It's pig feet. Yeah, it's a
beautiful day. It's a beautiful day for a competition, you know,
nice and Chris. But the sun's out. Oh yeah, gona
be here for a while. We're gonna cook ourselves. Yeah,
that sun screening out. So who do you know? Who
(33:26):
do you know that in the competition? I don't know anybody.
I just come out here to look. You know, that's
nice man security. Uh. I was told by somebody that
somewhere in this someone in this area is smoking. Oh
it's him. Oh you, I'm sorry, sir. You should have
been told when he walked in there's no smoking at
(33:47):
this compet should just probably signed the meats. Perhaps, No,
he's smoking. That saw him doing he can you take
this hip from me? Please? How would you do this
to me? Please take this hip from me. Yeah he
was doing it. He was okay, that could happen, Yeah, okay,
yeah it was me. I was all right. Well then
put your hands behind your back? Wait? What what do
you mean what this is a smoking competition and you
(34:10):
are now? Look Okay, I don't know what they told you. Okay,
but I got a lot of my plate, so I'm
gonna do the best. I can't from your case, but
I can't guarantee anything. Okay, I just want to say
that up front. I'm a very honest person, alright, I'm
just I just gonna be honest with you. Give a
lot a lot of ship went down. First of all,
he was a security guard. I don't think he has
actual authority to arrest me. Second of what am my
gamest forwards? Lighting up a pig's foot like that doesn't
(34:30):
make any sense. Third of all, my daughter, you light
have a pig foot? Are you smoking? It was handed
to me lit? Oh my god, yes, ship, that's us. M.
Julia Epstein presiding. Thank you. Everybody can sit down, please
(34:59):
be you did? Everybody can rise once again? Rise all right,
we can now take our seat. Please be seated, your honor.
Oh my god, oh god? Oh sorry, your um you're
(35:25):
my client. Uh it's a trunk addict. Okay, he loves smoky,
big sweet okay, kick getting enough all right, he's looked
on it, all right, he's looked on it, So maybe
some leniency. Well we'll do, we'll please, we'll please out
(35:47):
we can Well, hey, you look down, a little miss.
Where's your papa? I don't know. I've been looking for
him for days. It feels like and my needs not
going well. The watermelon and the anchovies have created less
(36:08):
of a uh marinate and more of a paste. Did
you if if I taste what what you get going there?
You could taste it? Um. It's not fully cooked though,
so it might get you a little bit sick. This
is fantastic. Then they have a little peck Okay, but again,
(36:30):
I mean that's that's what these ant because this is
this is out of this world. You got talent? Can
I try yours too? I want to kind of get
an idea, and you guys can try mine as well. Well.
I just want I want to wait till everything is
fully cooked before I delve in. I've had some stomach
(36:52):
issues in the past. Hot damn man, Look you're looking
at and I don't think I can see you for
a while. Man, what what did you get logged up for? For?
You fucking asshole? What? And furthermore, I joined a gang
since I've been in here. We're gonna break out tomorrow night.
This is the world. I've joined the Lost Pineapples. Oh man,
(37:12):
I don't tell you. I mean I'm ship man, I'm
a I'm a narc man. What tell the guard man,
these pineapples to get out of this person so I
can get to my daughter who's in this Because my
buzzer went off. You said you needed a guard, Yes, sir,
my alright, air is gonna escape. That's not true. Really,
(37:37):
is that a tattoo of a pineapple on your back? Yeah?
A pineapple? Boys, aren't you a security guard? Oh? Yes
i am, Thanks for noticing. I'm a security guard. Cop detective. Huh,
I wear a lot of hats around here. I'm gonna
(37:58):
need you to put your hands through these bars. What
do you mean this is all your fault. By the way,
you're going back to Judge Epstein. Wait what we're doing
the double truck? Right, Honorable Julia Epstein presigning. Thank you,
we got this. Don't worry. All right, we got this.
(38:20):
My last guy was a fucking nut. If you could
just help me. There's been some misunderstandings here. Okay, all right,
we can take our seat. Please be seated. You know what,
Let's get up again, all right, one ft, everybody on
the right foot, right foot, We lift the right foot
or we just we're gonna be on our balancing in
(38:41):
our right foot. Chack it all about m don't lose balanced.
Now all right, looks good. Let's sit down. Okay, go
for it, your honor. My client is here on terrorism charges.
No I'm not no, I'm not well, judge. I guess
(39:05):
all I did was put the pork on the trisket
and sprinkled some of the capers on top. So all right,
so let me take a bite. Here are those Thompson's
capers or a great Muppet just whatever? Whatever? They whatever
they gave me I think they are. I think they
are great Muppet capers. Yeah, okay, well it's not bad.
(39:26):
I don't know if it's a winning ingredient, but we'll
just see how the others stack up. You are, you,
young lady. Let me have a taste. Okay, yeah, here
you um here you are, and your surprise ingredients were
watermelon and anchovies. Difficult combination. Uh, let me take a
(39:52):
little bite. I don't think this is gonna have gone well.
But oh my god, this is just the subtle notes
of the ant chovies with the refreshing springtime summertime watermelon.
It's just a it's a taste sensation I've never had before. Right,
(40:12):
I don't even need to taste the third guys, thing,
because this clearly it's the winner. I hope you have
someone here to celebrate with, because this is a big
time win for you little spineapple boys. All right, I
didn't I killed him? How come can you get me
out of this prison or not? Sorry, you just passed
(40:36):
the first test. Oh shoot, I know you? Are you
a pineapple boss? Ye? Oh man, I'm hit Pineapple? What's up?
Why don't you me? I just killed this man because
I was told if I killed this maniple gives you
can break me out, not you. But oh yeah, I
mean I'm running. I'm the shot color here. Yeah, I
mean ship. Where did I make you before? And I
(41:00):
just kind of place that for the reason why I'm
in here. I met you at the park. I don't
know how long ago. I don't know what time is anymore.
I was there to watch my daughter. She's fourteen, she
looks older, she actual, but she's my angel, and she's
there to cook me and smoked me in a competition.
And then the security archument doesn't say you can't smoke here,
and then you handed me that smoked pigs me and
the thing, and then I like, I'm here, I mean
(41:21):
here and six that was sixteen hours ago, fucking tired,
and I killed them and I missed my daughter. I
just want to get out of here, or we'll see
what we can do. I got you all right, okay, ah,
(41:42):
young lady. I so terrible news your father. I was
trying to get back to you, but someone smuggled a
knife inside in their skin pockets and inside where what
are you talking about? Inside? To sell your father was
I was killed? What? Wait? What? I'm so sorry? Wait
(42:07):
wait wait wait wait does that mean? Does that mean
the second place gets the title? Or how does that works?
Let's see what everybody's up to. Chris Alvarado, oh man,
thanks for having me, Um. I love playing with you.
Cole left playing with everybody. I have another podcast called
(42:27):
Comedy Face, where we explore you know things about comedy.
But I didn't want to mention on the Reddit, there's
a question there for James. Has just been sitting there.
Poor James hasn't hasn't answered it. It's from user bister
zero one. The title is game question for James, and
the question is, James, do you play any of the
(42:50):
super Cell games? I've never even been No, I don't
know what super cellists. I'll have to search it. Wow. Wow,
have you guys heard of super So? We're not gamers,
you are you? I've never heard of it. It was
a splinter cell. I'm gonna go to Reddit and I'll
(43:15):
do my own sleuthing and find out what super so.
Thank you, Thank you, Jackie Gonzalez Dorothy. Yes, I just
looked up super Cell and it's the makers of Heyday. Hi, Chris.
Clash of Plans boom Beach. Does that help you, James? Oh?
(43:35):
It does, and I definitely. I don't play that game.
I've never heard of it until now. But I've never
played Clash of Titan. Those are like um mobile games games.
And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with mobile
bo you played them on your phone? Uh, and I
look disgusting. No, did I bring names. I bring my
(44:00):
PlayStation anywhere I go. I might a doctor's office. I
have a have like a sixty and l E D
eight K TV with my PS four ready to go.
I mean I only know those like Clash of Clans
and things is because like they pop up as ads
UM the mobile games I do play, like June's Journey
shout out things like that. So I have never played
this either, but shout out towards his friends. Um, I
(44:23):
used to play that game. That's my favorite one. I
am an addict. I only play solo stuff as Um.
Some people are starting to try to use it as
a dating site. Um it is not true. Yeah, they
like have a chat part now, and so people will
be like, hey, how are you like? You look great
(44:44):
and it's like whoa, Um, I just want to I
just want to get motherfucker's Well, that's the thing. It's
connected to Facebook. My photo is quite far away. It's
not like my face. Um. But I don't like only
play solo stuff there. I rock on my solo stuff.
I don't need to be waiting on somebody else to
(45:05):
get it on the board. And I don't need to
be waiting to listen to the most wonderful pot of
the year because it's happening. I don't need to wait
for that. It's happening. Talking about Christmas movies isn't that fun?
Thank you for having me this is This has been
a real blast. Of course, Craig Kikowski as the resident
spelling and grammar snob, I haven't had occasion to rail
(45:27):
against anything lately, but I recently read in a current
best selling novel which I won't throw under the bus
like Jackie feel Um. The they used the phrase put
through the ringer spelled without the W. So you know
you're talking about ringing like like an old fashioned clothes
(45:50):
ringer with a W that would you ring your your
wet clothes dry. That's what put through the ringer is.
Don't spell it with an R without the W. I
don't think I let to know that. I thought it
was when you put somebody up in a bell and
that hammer that nails the bell instead of hitting the metal,
it's just hammering the person you put in the ringer. No,
(46:10):
and then a dead ring and a dead ringer would
be spelled without the W. And what does that mean? Uh?
Something that hit that note like maybe it's I don't
know exactly where the phrase comes from, but maybe dead
ringer Like it's like it's spot on, like like you
(46:32):
hit the note, you wrung the note correctly on the bell.
I don't know ringer James Daney. Uh, you know, just
go over to game front on YouTube and there's a
whole bunch of stuff older you can check up. You know,
I really want to take this opportunity to promote something
(46:55):
that's really near and dear to my heart, and um,
I forgot what it was. I just forgot what it was,
but just just know that it is very close to
me and very personal. Was it the alcove? I don't remember.
I'm gonna take this opportunity since the Ringer thing reminded
(47:15):
me to throw Ernest client under the bus because in
uh ready player too, uh, there's a thing where he
references Magnum p I and his Detroit Lions cap, which,
if you know anything about Magnum he wears a tiger's hat.
Actel fully wears a lions jacket in Beverly Hills cop series,
but not it's a tiger's hat. It's very iconic. So
(47:37):
it's just like, do you do reference everything in the world,
and you, nor your editors, nor anybody pick that up.
Kind of kissed me off. But other than the book
not being good, but there you go. The first one
it was great, the second one was bad. It's not
it's not great. I mean I like the first one
a lot, but then again, like you know me, I'm
a pop culture reference nerds, so um, yeah, that's just
(48:00):
felt like I guess where you have a reason to
do a book. So yeah, not great. Sadly you can
follow me at cold Stranton rat Stratton Cole on the
Socials Sketches dot com line about November nineteen, very possibly
will be including I don't know this podcast you're listening to,
so check that out. Let's thank our amazing engineering producer
(48:22):
Doug Bain and the fine folks at I Heart Media
dot com. Do please write to us at Alchemy this
email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy this email. Until
next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!