Squids instead of Squibs

Squids instead of Squibs

Last Go for Radio Show Host

Murder Mystery Party goes Awry

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nineteen
one audition. I am your host, Cold Stratton, stepping in
for some guy named Kevin while he's out working on
a very slow newsday to day. Let's meet our how
Chemist Shelley in no particular order, say hello to Craig Takowski. Craig,

(00:22):
what was your prom theme? And did it blow '?
Let me take the second part first. Yes, well, I
think of what the first one was that I think
it might have been. Ain't nobody going to break my stride?
Matthew prom? He was in all Matthew Welder theme. Uh

(00:47):
and uh, and nobody did break my stride. I strode
into prom like the king of the world. You gotta
keep on moving, all right, Let's welcome back Mr James.
Heney James, if you could design a video game, what
would it be about? What would it be called. It's
called Roommate Melee. It's a fighting game, much like Mortal

(01:09):
Kombat or any fighting game, except the regular people that
live together, and you can take anything from the apartment
as a weapon. I've thought about it and I want
to develop it. I just don't have the hard skills
I got the soft skills. Well, you know no one
will possibly take that idea and that you set it

(01:29):
on a big podcast, so you're good. Copy right right now, James,
copyright it. I don't. All right. Look over there, it's
Chris Alvarado. Chris, what's the coolest place you've ever been?
I mean, I've been some cool places I've been to,
like Fiji and wise stuff, but I'd probably say this

(01:55):
is so dorky. I think the coolest place I've ever
been is backstage before opening night, you know what I mean.
It's you know, even all those rehearsals, all that stuff
opening night. I'm done, I'm done talking. All right, So
Fiji and it's Joey Greer. Joey, could you take him all?

(02:20):
Let's read us some of your friends fan fix. Uh
this is my friends fans. Before I get into it,
let me just say I've had a long conversation with
my buddy about the fan fiction that he's he's he's
putting out there because he wants the Bridge Star Wars
with John from Mars, and I don't. I'm like, that's
a that's not even the same. I'm like, yes, it's

(02:42):
sci fi. Yes, they go to he goes to another
planet and all that. But it's like it's a contemporary timeline, right,
like he's in like the undred John, and then Star
Wars is like millions of years ago. It doesn't make
any sense. And and to think that like I'm gonna
I'm assuming, I mean, I'm gonna stop you there. We're
talking about John Carter, right, just got some random job

(03:03):
from Mars. I don't know John Carter. I don't know
if John Carter and John from Cincinnati. Those are two
worlds that we have to combine, that's for sure. All right,
let's do a damn show. All of our scene suggestions
are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon v
I p s. To become a Patreon supporter of the

(03:25):
show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks, just head
on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. You'd
like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please write
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy This scene
one comes from Kristen Kelly, who wrote, due to a typo,

(03:49):
the special effects team on a high budget action movie
have mistakenly rigged up the stunt man in the big
shootout scene with squids instead of squids. All right, we
ready to go, hold holding losing the light. These things
keep slipping off my chest. I don't think that the

(04:13):
tape isn't holding them. Look, we're about to go. Okay,
I don't worry about it, right, all right, I don't
think I don't think they're in place. Are we talking
to myself? Sorry? Okay, hey, sorry, I'm just having a
little problem with the background. They're refusing to listen to me,
if I'm being honest, They're refusing to take my orders,

(04:33):
and I keep telling them I'm the king of the background.
I'm the king in the background. But they're having we're
having a hard time, all right, Sean. That might be
one of the problems if you keep on saying to
your king in the background, all right, let's just get
this p a seany don't you go over to the
scot over to like the cafeteria. Get you get a
couple of yogurts and a couple of fruit salads, get
a couple of place and bring it over to the background. Okay, okay,
why don't we keep Can you believe the way that

(04:53):
guy treated us I mean we are the kings of
the background because we're in the background round, Okay, I
mean yeah, I mean we are at the background. So like,
if anyone's going to be the king of the background,
it's gonna be all of us. We're all the king,
because if there's gonna be one king, it should be
all of us. Because we're in the background. It's like

(05:15):
he doesn't even know what we've done. I mean, I
was on season two a party of five. Okay, I
waved behind Matthew Fox at a big party. I had
about half a second of dedicated camera time. You know, Wow,
I need to crush your dreams losers, but you're king
of the losers. I might be background right now, but

(05:35):
when they start rolling the camera, I'm gonna step into
the light. What's wrong with the jaw? Your jaw is broken?
Are you okay or no? It's it's I just have
a strong jaw. What do you mean? Hi? Um, you're
heard at the squid department correct? Yeah? Um, So, first

(05:57):
of all, you're so appreciated on Uh I'm a I'm
a pa here um so um that uh, not too
often that people actually call for squids like I'm here
When they need me. But uh, we do a lot
of big budget movies on this lot, and you know
no one's called for squids and years. Yeah, well this
is exciting then. Um. One thing is they said there

(06:20):
they're losing light. If we could get those squids um
um attached half, that would be great. Yeah, well they'll
they'll attach themselves. I mean they've got yeah, they've got suction.
Um so I think you know he's got You know,
they're pretty intelligent, you know, to be honest with you,
you know, do you want to do what? They'll do?
What you want? You want to handle the principle he's

(06:41):
should I be on step? Should Why don't you come
on this way? I raised all those squids from the
time that they were just follow me. Eggs flying in,
flying in, squid man flying in the Yes, squid guy
flying in. Squid guy. Okay, this is Hey, these things
keep slipped and down my chest. I well, you're scared.

(07:02):
I pressed him. Go ahead, you're scaring him to him
make them feel comfortable, Yes you are. I'm a fucking star.
They should feel lucky to be here here. Look what
happens when I pressed too hard? O, don't don't do that.
To Cocoa. Don't do that to Coco. Well, I mean,
how else are you supposed to get it to Adhes? Look,

(07:25):
they will adhere themselves. Have you been rigged with squids before?
I've I mean, I don't know. I like Taylor Laudner.
I think he's good. I think the numbers, you know,
support why he's casting. But he's not taking to the
squids and the squids aren't taken to him. I mean,
we might need to do a recast. Maybe we need
to get Robert Pattins said, maybe at the squids are
Team Edward. Maybe, I mean, maybe we could do some

(07:48):
kind of like screen tests, but the squids on him,
see what, see what if they're sucking or not. I mean,
we've already got six d and fifty billion dollars into
this film, all right. I mean, like, you tell me
what we should do because if we pull the plug, now,
that's money wasted. I agree, Mr Geffen, but I just don't.
I don't know how we're gonna turn to profit on
this no matter what you do. Background background. I know

(08:12):
we started off on the wrong foot, and I admit
I am not your king, But to make up for it,
I have some very interesting news you might want to hear.
It looks like it looks like they might want to
pull one of you guys up. I'm talking full sag.
We're getting a bub. I mean, this guy's jaws pretty
messed up. Maybe if you want to bring over here.

(08:34):
This is how my jaw is. It's a strong jaw.
It's a prominent chin. Come on, all right, look talk
you need to. I don't need to move my lips.
You all have cell phones, right, I say, just to
make it safe, put yourself on tape right now, do
a quick audition. Send it to me. I'll give it
to the director right now. What I don't I give

(08:55):
here all the information I know. I gotta get these
others back. We have to audition. This guy was on
season five A Party of two? Wait is that true?
Season two A Party of five? I was on the
season one Party of two. Okay, okay, okay, okay. That
shouldn't that shouldn't be an advantage, Like you don't know
what my my my restume. You haven't even asked? All right,

(09:18):
just send you myself tape? What creative distraction? I shot
a self tape and said it to us. Good mine too.
There you go, Okay, that's mine. Excuse me? I mean
that's really because if we think about, like what is
the give me one teking, If we think about, like,

(09:39):
why are they coming into just because they're entering the
give me give me one? If they're if they're coming
into if they're coming into town, right and we're gonna
get that crane shot down. It's gonna go into an
eagle eye, it's gonna pop right back. Will you give
me a damn circuit? What is your name? I can't
What is your name? P A? Your name is p A? Yes, sir,

(09:59):
your name is pe Okay, you know what do me?
Do you remember? Every one? Can we just stop for
a second, can huddle around? But somebody here who wants
to stop production because for some reason they think it's
so important to talk to me when I'm talking to

(10:19):
this cactus right now, all right, And this cactus is
my muse and this cactus is my inspiration, all right?
So what do you got? What? What? What is it? Hi? Hi? Everyone?
I'm p A. I want to say that it's no
secret that this production of Roommate Melee is in trouble.

(10:39):
I took it upon myself since our star is having
a problem forming your relationship with the squid. I took
it upon myself to get a couple of self tapes
from some real passion and actors I got playing for
you right now, maybe we could do a quick switch
out and I can say a second, this is bullshit.
I'm the star of this. What do you mean you
got auditions such this one? It's don't move The squids

(11:02):
are falling out? What the fund is going on? I
listened Thompson um five ft seven here in my profiles
my hands. I'm willing to shave um. Hey man, don't
you be shooting me with your gun? Thank you. I'm repped,

(11:25):
repped by myself. Okay, I have one more to show
you real quick. How about this one? Hi, Kurt Schmoker
five ft one. This is my self tape, not willing
to shave. Hey, that was filmed on seven here that
was that was filmed. This fullshit is at the end

(11:47):
of his self tape, but just him yelling there's there's
one more. Alright, could you hold this camera and facing
towards me? Please? Thank you? P A seven two said,
I just kind for you. Wow, pretty good with that gun.

(12:08):
Don't shoot me? With that guy. I got a lot
to live for. Don't shoot me the gun. This is great.
Send me that video, Send me that video. And because
that's our Peter Arthur Robinson, you come to the dinner
table now or you're gonna be king of the dishes,
young man. Okay, look, I know you dream of being
a Hollywood star, but it's probably not gonna happen. Your

(12:31):
room is filthy. Well now that attitude. Okay, Well, I'm
your mother, so I would really like you to to
go and you know, continue your education. It's very important,
you know, even though you have an opportunity in Hollywood, now,
it's not gonna last. Okay, kid, it's because your baby.

(12:51):
This is why he's not listening to you. Hank, Hank,
you let me handle this. Okay, you're just a stepfather.
Because that's not my scene in there. I'll tell you what.
If that was my scene, you would have grown into
a strong cactus. If I read your diary, I know
you had I know you had dreams that you let go.
And I know, Hank smash those dreams. Mm hmmm, Kee's

(13:15):
smashing like every plate in this house. I mean, yes,
I had I had dreams. I I wanted to be
behind the camera as a writer. But you know, I
just I had to raise you guys up and and
and Hank. That includes you too. You're not very emotionally mature,

(13:35):
and you raise me up so I could stand on that. Dude,
I thought that was gonna build due course, Look, p
a alla, I'm going to hand you this script, the
first one I ever wrote, and you know you read

(13:56):
this for inspiration and maybe you keep this with you
on set or wherever you go. It's called don't shoot
me with that gun? Please. What do you think? What
do you think they thought of my audition? Do you
think they do? You think they liked it? I mean
I I don't think that any of you guys put
forth the heart that I would have put for it. Listen,

(14:19):
I was the star of this video before they fucking
brought a background character to be. I don't know how
they're going to take all the shots that I had
before out so good news and bad news. Bad news
is I think it's the role. Good news is Smoker?
Did this is bullshit? Yes? Yes, Smoker, all of you,

(14:49):
buck of you have hated every minute of this. I'll
give me the star. I was always destined to be
Smoker Party of Doo right this way. I just want
to say I loved your film and I can't wait
to see Yes, sir, Yes, sir. Here you are a
complimentary bottle of champagne, and we also have some diamond ice. Uh.

(15:11):
Can I get the Calabari please on its way, sir?
On it? Hey, just so you know, we're we're running
a little little light on Calamari. We're we've had to
had to shoot a lot of big budget movies this
week with squid action sequences. Uh and so what the

(15:33):
squids are not available to be click? No, they're rather
starting in the movie. So anything squid related in town,
That's that's what I'm charge of. You know, movies, restaurants,
what have you? Well, what do you have? Uh? Well,
there's a nice Uh there's a nice rice cake with

(15:56):
with raw tune on top. I don't want that. We're
all gathered here too late ter us, Mr Smoker. You're
all fans that Rice Hattie did him in h you
want to say a few words. Yeah, he was an asshole?
All right, that guy was an asshole. Thank you. It's

(16:19):
pretty short ceremony. If nobody else I'd like to just
say that, uh, I was surprised when he took my
role in Roommate Melee that he did as well as
he could, and I honestly feel bad. Then I'll probably
have to be the main lead in the sequel. God
rushed Smoker, just stays stay still. The squids are falling

(16:40):
out of your What is it's you've trained these squids
to fall off. You're trying to ruin my career, aren't
you know they're trained, they're trained to hold on. You
know you haven't rigged for squids before, right, you were
the one who tried to rig me last time and
they fell off. It seems like this is a youth thing,

(17:01):
not a meaning. Both Mr London are going by your
your charts here, Um well, it looks like you've been
laid with squid eggs insaide your chest abdomen. No no no, no,
no no no, no entire entire, like I want to say,
chinned down, chin down, all the way down to your

(17:23):
your waist. Medically there's a turn for it escapes me.
But are you sure? Oh? Let me? Actually yes, they are?
You got me? You got I mean, do you do?
Thank you everybody for gathering here as we lay Mr

(17:44):
Lawtner to rest um. Though he and his body have died,
they have became become I'm nervous, they have become for
the squids, thank you that were born in him and
on and around him. And that's our first scene. That's

(18:06):
so gross, showing gross the OUTPGGS C two is from
patriar v I Toivo, who wrote, hello again, Dear Alan
the Chemists, It's been wonderful to hear Vanessa returning to
the roster. Not today in Tobo. I'm sorry. Thanks to

(18:27):
all of you for keeping up the great craziness. Since
November is closing in while I'm writing this, I wish
you people the best in the ongoing election. Funny you
should say that. Next up in my scene Suggestions, an
old radio show host is preparing to get on the
air one more time before retiring. Remote hugs for everyone
who wants them too. Okay, yeah, you gotta pack everything.

(18:49):
It's gonna be out of here by this by tonight. Yeah,
we're just going over the list. We're just going on
list here. Uh, we've got microphones check test check. Okay,
looks good, Manny, Why don't we don't we boxed all
the microphones up now. I feel like that because they're
the most sensitive. I hate to say. We're actually gonna
do one more episode before tonight. We want to have
a good kickoff show, so if we could unpack this stuff,

(19:12):
we're gonna have one more. We'll do one more recording.
Our host is retiring after over sixty years in the
bizin sixty years, so let me just take these things
out of the box. So these are the only microphones.
I mean, it's a small studio. Yeah whatever. I just

(19:32):
wanted to stop in and say, how do you in
hiho as I'm heading into retirement city. But uh, that
show has been a thrill in a wonderful time working
with you all over so many years, even though I
never bothered to lend your names. I don't work here,
I'm I'm not to move, So did you for many
years you missed me for one of the boofers. No, no,

(19:55):
I I recognize your face, son, I just don't know
your name, and I never will. But that's a okay,
because I've got the golden pipes and I have been
laying down so wonderful radio ways all these years. All right, look,
here's all we can do for you because we're on
a schedule here. We can leave you one microphone, one chair, um,
a dinner TV trade desk, a little pop up and

(20:17):
uh and whatever you plug a microphone into that, we're
gonna have to stop you right there. My show is
called to Chair Charlie. And if I don't have that
second chair, well, I don't think I can go on
the air. All right, that's not our problems. But that's
not a problem, you know what I mean? Like, look,
you get one chair and then you get that PLoP
up desk. Gad, that's it. I mean, I can try
to do it, but I just I can't be responsible

(20:38):
for what happens on the air if I don't have
a second chair. Looks, Steve, I want you out of
my life. I want you out of this house. I
want you gone. Okay, and don't try to don't try
to tell me there's reasons why you need to stay.
I don't want to hear it. I've heard all the reasons.
So you're gone worth through, and don't tell me there's

(21:01):
one more episode left of two Chair Charlie, because I
don't know, well, there is only one episode left, Okay,
there's one episode left and then we can start focusing
on our dreams and we're done. But listen, you've infested
so much of your life into the loser version of me.
Give the winner version of me. One shinte one, I

(21:25):
don't know, go get it. It's pretty late for somebody
at the tour. Hello, Hey, is that Bianco here? I'm
supposed to take her to Prague. I think you have
the wrong house. Slam, What the hell is going on?
Get your hints off of me. You don't he owns me? Now? What? Yeah?

(21:46):
M Hello? You said slam in like a really soft way,
and uh, I didn't really have the effect I think
you wanted. I mean, I don't know if I'm supposed
to leave now? You know? What do you want? Said?
I'll be right there? Sits your name? What for us? Cincinnati? Listen,

(22:12):
you're not allowed in my house? Okay this I I
pay half of the rent on this house and you
are not allowed in it. Sid you can sit outside
the huh half the house. I don't want him in here, Bianca.
This guy's taking my woman. No, I'm not your woman's Okay,

(22:34):
So listen to your last episode. I hope it brings
you all the joy in the world, but Cincinnati and
I We're going to Prague tonight. Well, I'm not going
to give you guys a ride to the airport. That's
a real sad story, my friend, I understand. I lost
my wife to Joe Hio should be get on the

(22:54):
air sometime soon. People are probably jones in for what
we got in store because you are my last guest.
That's right, I'm having you on the show. Son, Charlie,
this is this is awful. I don't think I'm running
for this show to end. I didn't. I don't have
anything lined up. You're retiring. What am I doing? I'm
basically getting the nicer version of fired. We'll tell you what, Son,

(23:17):
I feel for your flight, I will filibuster on the
air until you find more employment. I'll just keep going
with the show. Chief Chief, who's just got an app?
Looks like that old radio station looking someone's been held
hostage on air? All right, if we just get all
the apps, you didn't have to run in here and

(23:38):
breathlessly tell me I didn't know I'm I'm the chief.
I know. Hey, I'm I'm a rookie and I just
want to do my part to my second day of
the job. What's your name son? My name, sir, it's uh, Mikeyami,
mikey Yai. Yes, yes, yes, sir. Is that all one word?
Like U there? Okay? Um? Yeah. This is actually as

(24:05):
my last day as chief. I've been chief for sixty years. Yeah.
Actually my first day was the first day of two
chair Charlotte. I mean, it's really it's it's it's an
amazing coincidence. That's the radio. So that's that's that has
a hostage. I know, that's why I brought it up. Oh,
I'm sorry. I'm a rookie. It's my second day. I

(24:28):
I know. I got that. I got that. I'm not
I'm not cheap for nothing. Thank you for meeting me
here today. Gentlemen, ladies, you are all the heads of
all the major bands. Dog yes, yes, uh, the dog
is recognized now listen. Um, we had the head of

(24:50):
Time Warner here, we had the head of Spectrum right
over there, with the head of Comcast over there. I
don't need to go on and ruffles and ruffles and
ruffles and ruffles. No, you're all very important figures in media,
and I'm here to tell you I'm losing. That guy

(25:25):
was mald to death. And that's why I have my
position here on to chair Charlie. Wonderful believe you never
told that story, Charlie. That's what I'm telling right now.
So I'm gonna let everything out. It's the time to do.
So what are they gonna do? Fire me? That's not
but you said that you were gonna filibuster until I

(25:46):
got employment. How exactly? Should probably get off the show
right now and go look for a job. Althoughwise really
wasting some time here. I can just take some collars
and see what happens. So I'm gonna leave and look
for a job. Well, you continue the show. Yes, that's
what it is what I offered. I in retrospect, it
doesn't make much sense, but I thought that maybe you

(26:08):
were gonna get callers that could hook me up with
a radio job. I don't want just a job at
just anywhere. I want to radio job. I want to
be the golden voice. Well we can try that. Might
as well take some collars. As you know, radio is
always hiring. Lines. Aren't exactly lighten up. It's called to
chair Charlie shows. Oh you know what, We're gonna have

(26:29):
to give my cell phone out because they wrapped up
all the lines. There's no lines here anymore. Said that
right off the top, right, and sorry, you have to
stand for this entire thing. We only have one chat today.
I don't know. I haven't given it out, so I
don't have to hello put it on speaker phone, uh

(26:49):
with Bianca um. I have a question about like is
there like is there do you know if there's like
any like good restaurants in Prague? Er, Charlie, this is
I think a call for me, and this is bullshit.
This is the guy that took my wife. Well, she
wasn't my wife, She wasn't really anything excepted. We were

(27:10):
what will you call it when you you lived together
for more than eight years? So it's common law. She
was my common law wife. Now one gross thank you,
thank you. You know you do have the option of
hanging up on the call there, so we don't have
to get it's the only caller we have so far.
Are you going to tell him something in Praguer? Well,
you could give a number and then we would get

(27:32):
some more. But you're looking for a good pills now
in Prague? Something to do there? Yeah? All right, well
try there's a new new I got a call the
other line of life. Hello, Yeah, maybe is Charlie there.

(27:53):
I'm with Charlie right now. Actually you're on speaker phone
with just This is the this is the police, so
long time, first time? Oh the Police? Hung Staying. Gordon
Sumner who we're talking to here? My name is Gordon Sumner.
But I'm not the bass player known as Staying who
was in the band the Police. But I am Chief
Gordon Sumner. Uh, the local chief of police here in

(28:16):
this city. Uh. Big fan, been listening to your show
for sixty years. I understand there's a hostage situation going on.
Can you explain to me who has taken whom hostage? Well?
I think that was grossly exaggerated. Here, Mr Chief of Police,
Mrs Suh, my long time radio tech and assistant. Uh,

(28:36):
I just call him son. I don't actually know his name.
He's here right now and he's just trying to find
a new employment before everything gets done. I'm not really
holding him hostage. I'm just keeping the show on the
air until he finds a new job. Charlie, I think
that what it is is you're holding the listener hostage.
It's that's the filibuster side of it right. We're not
gonna let him stop listening until I have a job
in radio. I don't really know how we would enforce that,

(28:58):
but hey, rookie, was it Mike Ammy? Is that right? Yeah? Yeah,
welcome to the force. Come here, thanks, What are you
afraid of? Come here? Come nothing. I'm just not supposed
to say candy from strangers, come in, come in, come here. Okay,
all right, all right, like a lot of pumps. Yeah,

(29:18):
of course, all right, come in, come close. All right.
So you're rookie, Yeah, second day person, second day okay,
So you what like? You like jolly renchers? Joys are
my favorite. I love hard candy, hard candy, hard candy.

(29:41):
That's right, that's right, that's right. So I'm like, if
you one of that's right now. There's plenty more where
that came from. All I need, all right, Mikeyammy? That
was that was Officer Sinclair from Internal Affairs trying to
lure you with candy, and uh and you fell for
it right away. I mean that that was just jeez jeeves,

(30:05):
Oh jeez, I just wanted so canny. What's the first
thing they teach you at the police again, Always draw
your weapon, Always draw your weapons. Okay? Yeah? At number two, um,
walk politely and uh and then blink softly. Right? And

(30:27):
what's the third thing they teach you? If you're ever
outside and it's getting to be dusk, remember to look
up at the sky and say thank you. Okay. At
number four, I remember that this one, right, number four, sir,
tie your boots so they're tight so when you're running

(30:47):
they don't slip off. Just right. That's right, that's right.
And what is the fifth thing they teach you in
police academy? Can I get it? Tattoode? Your might as
well get of won the loose? Cool? Okay, it's been
a while since I was pleased together. When did they
teach you to think about cant? Oh that's something my

(31:08):
mother taught me. Sir, uh uh excuse me. I know
you're on the air right now, but we're with the
moving company. You gotta wrap this up. You got about
six show. I don't have a job yet, so we're
gonna keep going and tell him hired. It's kind of
like one of those telethons, but instead of raising money,

(31:28):
we're raising a job, which is kind of like raising money. Well,
i'm gonna I'm gonna say, I'm gonna have to start
unplugging things, you know what I mean. Well, let's try
to hurry this up. Then, why don't we go ahead
and give that number out. I feel like you've really
really made a mistake by not yet giving that number out,
So why don't you go ahead and give that number out? Okay?
Eight sixty six Morgan? How many times have I told you? Man?

(31:53):
All right, I'm trying to load everything up, but they're
still doing a damn show in there, so I can't
get everything. Okay, my truck has been idling for six hours. Man,
I'm running out of gas. I don't have a credit
card because you can't give me one, all right, So look,
the stuff is gonna get to the shop when it
gets to the shop, all right. That's just how it is, Morgan.
All right, all right, I'll talk to you later. God
damn it. Jeez, Hey you talked to him? What hey? Oh,

(32:17):
I'll tell your mind, buddy. Hey, I could be your buddy,
all right? You like candy? Yeah? Like candy? What are you?
Some kind of magical creature so much? I'm a pretty
lady magical creature? I don't know. You get this all
around you? Don't know how you from the center here?

(32:39):
Those are you? Just Johnning Pitt. Let's please Chief Gordon Sumner,
who's telling us some pretty crazy stories or things he's
seen on the streets all these years protecting off country.
Anything else you'd like to share with us, Mr Chief.
I once saw a giant UH lift and ice cream
truck over his head. That was quite sad to be

(33:01):
seen with no laws were broken. So I just I
just walked out down the street. But that was one
of the craziest things I've seen, Chief Chief. Just quick
quick information. As soon as the radio show ends, you
end your time here ends, So just letting you know,
that's what the that's what we held the way we
decided to play this seems kind of fun that way.

(33:22):
So as soon as the radi show ends, you're no
longer chief. Okay, have a good day, night life, retirement. Okay,
I've table for two teeth right this way, right this way.
I just have to see. I just want to say
that the city loves all the work that you put
in there, and so sorry that I had to end

(33:42):
in this in the dramatic fashion, but we have a
bottle of champagne for you, right here a little bit
of diamond ice and you sure we'll be with you
in one moment? All right? Great? Can I place? Ah?
They say it? No, I was gonna, I was gonna
just serve'll be with you, and once I was just
gonna get some Calamarister cheap? Is that you serious? Since

(34:03):
I lifted that ice cream truck in the air. Wow,
there's that giant. Please call me Pascal, Pascal. Wow. I
should have asked back then. Now, how long ago was that?
Oh boy, it must have been uh what wasn't been
the big ice cream boom of seven eight? So uh

(34:24):
forty over forty years? Wow, that was a year there
was ice cream trucks on every corner. That's right. Then
everyone got tired of it. Ah, well you were a
big fucking giant. I couldn't really seat me here, so
I'm just kind of standing with my head through the
ceiling of the restaurant. But you know it's it's they
can't not serve me, you know what I mean? He

(34:48):
is He is like seven to h Can I buy
you buy a cone? Friend? Sure? I'd like that. And
that's sorry, you'll never get a job. C three is
from Brian, who wrote dear alchemists. I'm always glad to

(35:11):
hear your podcast on my bicycle commute to and from work. Also,
I always get a jolt of laughter whenever anyone in
the scene says, let go of my arm anyway for
my suggestion, murder mystery party gone awry? Uh, okay, so

(35:33):
we're supposed to I guess we're okay. He might be
fucking dead. Right, we get it. You're a fucking actress.
We fucking get it. We know this is the first part. Okay,
he might be dead, you know what, Fuck you and

(35:54):
funk everybody for now putting the effort to make this real.
If we don't care about if we're gonna gentlemen, I
could direct your attention to the room at large. Perhaps
there is a clue that would inform you as to
the cause of death. He's good. He's good. That guys go,
he's good. You can take yeah, yeah, well he's hired him.

(36:17):
Hopefully he's good. Otherwise I'll put up it on the
hat in the scarf. Let's walk into the room. Okay, Well,
I don't wait, that's just a stapler. And you can't
carry a staple, can't You're just carrying a stapler, and
that's in a costume toys. It's the only character left.

(36:38):
Just grab a coat, put on a coat, and put
one of the tails on. Well that's the room is
literally a full of clues. God, I didn't know they
had hats on this rack. Look at don't put on
because you might look like dress like a butler and
then you know how that goes me. I don't want

(37:00):
to be the butler. I'd rather have the stapler. The
stapler is not a costume. You can't shole room bring
you can't bring your own boa. Okay, you gotta put
on what they have because we're all going to be
characters in this show. As soon as you found a
costume piece, please adjourn to the room to look for

(37:21):
clue and take off your cortesses because that's what you
period appropriate. Dad, Dad, if they figured it out yet,
I don't want to wait in the car anymore. Just
get get back in the goddamn car. It's it's just
it's hot outside. I didn't I give you a book
of puzzles. Yeah, it's solved them all. I'm a genius.

(37:45):
You sold them all. Yes, maybe the puzzles. Maybe in
the car, there's a few more clues for other puzzles.
What's the book of puzzles? Yeah, it's not just like
like you just see what they are like every page
is just like what it looks like. It's just a
picture is a picture of Like it's just like Jake
Saft pictures. Is that with my personal life? Has nothing

(38:06):
to do with the mystery at Is he really a genius?
Is this a clue? He's not. Let's go into his car.
Maybe there's so clued in the guys this way. Yeah,
I'm sorry I was dick earlier. Just that you know,

(38:27):
my own aspirations or back. You gotta be a staple
or guy. Okay, oh ship masa miaa Okay, there's not
gonna be a lot to look especial windows. Stop it, guys. Okay,

(38:50):
I got inside of the club compartment. There's an address. Address, Okay,
what's the address? What's the address? It's just twelve Yoaks

(39:10):
Road Road, give me, give me streets or Avenue streets? Avenue? Hey, kid,
your place? I just got figure it out quickly. It's
hard to get six people on this thing. I don't
know who's supposed to bring this kid with trash from
the floor something or like what rummage of the trash

(39:37):
there might clue? Rum I just I just put myself
on a needle. There's a some wrange down here. Find
that syringe. Find that syringe. Okay, what is this syringe? Needles? Needles? Surrender, surrender.
I found monopoly board piece from from McDonald's. Which one, Brendan,

(40:02):
what are you doing here? I thought you were with
your dad this weekends. Who are all these people? He's
holding another one of his murder mystery party things, and
you know, like they need to do so. Anyways, they
took it on the road and you, hey, hands up,
I'm not a clue. Okay, yeah, buddy, something's wrong with

(40:25):
your jaw. Looks like your jaws broken. They they beat me,
They took my car, that kidnapped my kids. They think
it's part of the mystery. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, but
you're seeing a lot of crazy stuff right now. I
think you should just get that job looked at. This
might be a mystery for us to solve. Like I'm

(40:46):
sick of being just underbeat regular old cop. Let's be detectives.
You know what You're right, hey, buddy, you gotta figure
out your own ship. Alright, we gotta We're gonna stick
at this out for him. We're gonna solve this case,
real case. It's a red Miata, right, red Miata town.
How do you spell miyata? How do you spell miyata?

(41:09):
Is like, no, it's not like there's there's that a
zer age. Okay, we'll just call it red sports car, rich,
red sports car. It starts within him. I'll give you
that much. Oh you okay. I didn't get any clues
from her. Hey, little kid, can you like this somewhere?

(41:29):
Can you like she's crying? I don't know what to
do next? Ups, go upstairs? What are you doing? What
do you do? Huh? Oh ship? Is that a nine millimeter? Yes?
It is? And be loaded one in the chamber. Okay, alright,
let's oh my god, this druris filled with sex toys.

(41:52):
Hank focused on what we're doing the clue. But the
staplers grab the dildo for this God damn it. Just
carry both then carry bouth. Look, can I switch characters now?
I'm gonna I'm gonna put the stapler down. Up, I'm
gonna be a real stild. No, if you want to
switch characters, have to go back to the other place
to go to the character. Right, there's a whole costume
room in here. Look at this costume room. Oh ship,

(42:16):
look at this. Oh my gosh, coach shoes back, everything
is here. Oh my gosh. Okay, you need to get
out now. Okay, get your hands and guns and my
sex shut her shot shut. Alright. So if you were

(42:40):
a criminal and uh, you'd stolen your car, where would
you take it? You think? Look, they probably went to
my ex wife's place. That's the address on the the
the insurance you know what? What? What like I got

(43:01):
addicted to heroin? Okay, but somehow my kid every other weekend,
you gotta do that. Sounds like you just admit to
a crime. What alright? Alright, already calmed down. We've already
established the kid as a genius, so he could probably
see his mom's life and Debra's life. Alright, kid were
bleeding out, bleeding out? Alright, guys, but plade mom, take

(43:32):
that squid out. It was all squids. It was all squids. God,
what about where's this squid on me? That's real? Unfortunately,
so you weren't. You weren't dead on this Thank who.
Everyone who came to Debra's funeral. Does anybody would like

(43:55):
to say if he was of the deceased, this would
be this would be the right time. After this time
would be the wrong time. And before I said so
also would have been the wrong time. So this something,
this avenue ahead, say something and see Debra. Get about
of that coffee? Stand up Debora, run of everybody. Yes,

(44:22):
come on, seriously, look, son, I know that my script
has a lot of plot twists in the third act.
But you take this to set, okay, and you film
this alright, don't worry about roommate Melee. You gotta take
this as your passion project. Get please don't shoot me

(44:45):
with that gun made alright? Okay, so you're saying, don't
ask any more questions, just shoot the rest of it?
Is that right to shoot the rest of it? You're
doing a great chap. Well, I'm proud of you. I'm
proud of you, sons. You're the son I always had.
That's that's true. Okay, Okay, I'm gonna go back and
make this worsh I'm gonna go back and make this work.

(45:08):
I'm gonna go back and this. Yeah. Look, if we're
thinking about like okay, so they're coming in and there's
a hole and they're coming into. Give me a second. Okay,
So there we're we're focusing. We got that crane shot.
We're gonna go and do an eagle line. Then we're
gonna pop. Just just give me a second, and then
we're What we're gonna do is we're gonna well, we
gotta find that one shot that no one's ever done before.
And that's when we take the camera, we question, and

(45:28):
then we make the camera reappear. You know what I'm saying.
So what do you want? What do you need? Excuse um?
I just went hi. First of all, I brought you
these yogurts. The're go GURTs, so you can eat them
on the gun. They're all open. So what do you
want me to do? You can eat them or throw
them away. I'm the I'm p a wait a second,
you're you're that you're that actor who's audition tape. I
just saw also that we're shooting my mom's scripped. Oh

(45:50):
my god, looks like the stars have aligned. I want
you to start in this movie. Well before you go
an further happy birthday. This is an elaborate bruise. You're
not an actual director. This is not an actual project.
Your girlfriend is here, she threw this. Are all actors? Yes,
this is it. Come on out. Everybody's just costume all along.

(46:14):
Oh my god, Oh my god, I said some horrible things.
Oh my, hey son, it's nice to see you. It's
been so many years. Give you a papa hug. Your
dad's here too, Your dads two chair Charlie. That's right,
he just calls me a two chair dad. How are

(46:37):
you pretty good? Not quite the enthusiasm I expected, expect
that you ran out of us when I was a kid. Uh,
but you found me, okay, because you want to be
a part of this elaborate scheme to get attention for yourself.
I know that you know what. I've been wanting to

(46:57):
say this to you my whole damn life. This show sucks,
your idiot show sucks. Well, I really hurts. Like I
guess I'll take this onset firearm and use it against
myself because I just can't go on living knowing that no, no, no, no, no,
don't don't don't don't do it, ruffles, ruffles, stop him?

(47:24):
Oh shouldn't kill that dog with a slap? Oh no, ruffles, No, Well,
we're all here at the funeral for Ruffles, fantastic dog.
I see a lot of a lot of other dogs here.
I'm sure the dogs a lot of other dogs. New
Ruffles knew his his his butt smelling um and and

(47:46):
you know the scent that that followed with with that,
which would be the smell in the scent of the
same thing. The squids are hatching, the squids that show
every Thank you to our alchemists. Check in see what

(48:10):
they're up to. Joey Greer, first off, thank you so
much for having us cool. Do you blessed beast? I
want to say shout out to everybody in the US
of a happy Inauguration Day. That's that's when we're recording it.
Uh and check out Alchemy. This is Instagram. We're doing
some lives there, maybe some lives. I don't know, check

(48:36):
it out. Maybe there's gonna be some Instagram lives. So
I'm gonna cut me off. All right, Well we're gonna
be doing some Instagram everybody. Thanks for having me Instagram lives.
Thanks well, speaking Alchemy this Instagram. Also, you know, check
out my Instagram. Why don't you you know what I mean? Like?

(48:58):
All right, so here's a story. So I got I
just got engaged recently, okay, posting my engagement from I
got more likes than I've ever had on one photo.
Lost ten followers. That's what's up. No, No, that's not good.
It's all the single ladies. Look, Chris, if I can't
have you, I don't want to follow it. Why did
you want to follow me that? I know it's weird.

(49:21):
It's weird. Well, everybody else go back and follow me
at Chriss Albarado. I'm done, all right, James Ceeney. Uh well,
thank you guys for listening. There's a new walk through
on game Front of Resident Evil two. It's the new
HD one and we're just starting it up. It's a
great time to get in on it. Game Front YouTube

(49:44):
channel Mr Craig Kakowski at Kakowski on Twitter, see Kakowski
on Instagram. Social media is poison. If you're having a
lick stir, you can follow me at Cold Stratton. You're
at Stratton Cold depending on the thing. Uh go to
SF sketch Fest dot com or doing this giant benefit

(50:06):
show on janu to spread the festival Hunter plus performers.
It's gonna be pretty amazing, so check that out. Let's
give a big thanks to our engineer and producer Doug
Babe and the fine folks at I heart media dot
com and please write to us at your name here
at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at

(50:28):
alchemy this. Until next time, better hot bar of