Substitute teacher

Substitute teacher

A seemingly innocent game of duck duck goose turns WILDLY violent

The 57th Annual Shampoo Tastemaker Awards

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Alchemy. This it's another
episode and I am still your guest host, James Heeney.
I'm sitting in for Kevin Pollock today. Let's meet our
alchemists in this order. It's it's the same order as
last time. Cool, it's it's in the repetitive order. Cole

(00:24):
at what age? Oh? And first of all, just say cool, welcome.
How are you today? I'm great, James, thanks for having
me again in particularly at this order. Thank you, thanks
for following this order a second time with me. I
found another question that I'm really interested in hearing the
answer of at what age did you transition from listening
to children's music to listening to adult music? You know,

(00:52):
because you've got like a really great adult tasted music,
And like, I listened to kids music till I was
in probably junior high. It wasn't like one day I
was like Dad turned off Raffie put on Leonard Cohen.
Let's go okay, I know what it's not like, but
what was it like? What was the transition? Like, I mean,

(01:15):
I think okay, so like I always listened to I
don't know if I ever really listened to children's music
I didn't listen like kids Bop or any of that bullshit.
Like I think I just listened to whatever, like the
Muppet Movie soundtrack or um, like my whatever. My parents
are listening to a lot of Steely Dan if that's
the kids music. You know, kids love that lyrical play

(01:37):
of Donalds began, um, and then you know, then a
lot of like whatever was popular at the time they
grew up in the eighties, so you know a lot
of Wham and You Too and that kind of stuff,
and then a lot of rap and Junior High, and
then Nirvana's never Mind came out, and then I was like, oh,
back to rock and roll. And then I just kind
of never looked back and it was all Indian whatever
after that. So I don't know. I guess I just

(01:59):
never really listen to kids music. For sad is listen
to whatever was in front of me, so to speak.
M And next up we have Market Gag already, I
have the King of transitions, like your transition from kids
music to adult music. I'll say six, I was six there.
That's a good number. Thank you. That's the correct answer,
as Kevin would say. Um. Next up we have Mark

(02:22):
Gagle already, thanks for joining us today. Mark, how are you?
I'm great? How are you? I'm doing wonderful. But I've
got a question that I need answered. Hey, I've got
an answer that needs questioning. If you were going to
fight to the death in an arena, and your opponent
would be equipped identically to you, so the same arm
or same weapon, what what would you suit yourself up

(02:43):
for battle knowing that you would win? If I knew
that If I knew that, um, my opponent had the
exact same armor as me, maybe not the same skills,
but they would have the same weapons and armor, what
would you choose? Well, what I would choose is I
would choose armor that had a very sneaky hole in it.

(03:06):
Hell yeah, that my opponent did not notice when they
put the armor on, but I clocked. I know where
that hole is in the armor. So I would have
to have some sort of like elaborate embroidered uh like
character or something to hide that spot. But I knew
that I would be the only one that knew that
there was a slit right underneath the eagle's wing where

(03:28):
I could, you know, just get a knife in there.
So a knife would be and you would take like
a probably a small weapon to the I mean, I
don't want to say what was the weapon you We're
going to choose. Uh, I would choose, I would I
would go Uh, I would go a knife and a
quarter staff. Wow, just to confuse the person. Yeah, just
so we could beat each other with sticks and that

(03:49):
this is getting dark. But then I would have my
knife on me because I knew where that spot was.
What age did you realize that the spot was there?
What age are you? Weirdly, I was six and it
was the exact moment that Rafie tried to stab me,
and Leonard Cohen jumped in and uh and saved my life.

(04:11):
And last, but only in this particular repeated order, we
have Craigkowski. Craig, welcome to Alchemy. This to be here
first time, long time, first time, long time, wonderful. I've
got a question that I need answered from you. Now.
If you could have an AI chip that's completely safe

(04:31):
implanted in your brain that could access information at the
same speed as an Internet search, would you get it? No? No, No,
that feels like a curse. Uh. I'm already pretty good
with information with trivia, though, as I age, there's there's

(04:52):
a slight lag, and I enjoy the lag sometimes, you
know that, Yeah, having to piece things together. And I
also missed the moments of of people not knowing things.
And I'm nostalgic for those days of sitting around a
bar uh booth in the nineties and us trying to

(05:13):
remember the name of some obscure actor or song or
whatever and having to collectively piece it together through our
collective memory, rather than everyone having a device to to
look that up. So if I had all the information
accessible to me at any seconds, I would feel like
it would be a curse. Well, we'll have to agree

(05:34):
to disagree. Craick, that was the wrong answer. I'm kidding,
it was right. It's right for you. You made a choice.
Good for you, all right. So all of today's scene
suggestions come from listener emails, and if you want priority,
consider becoming a Patreon v I P. You'll also get
exclusive content like bonus scenes and access to live shows.

(05:58):
Uh And if you want to get that, it on
over to Patreon dot com, slash alchemy this, or if
you'd like to submit using suggestion the old timey way,
email us at alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
That's alchemy this dot com Scene number one actually does

(06:18):
come from an email listener. It's Sava and it says, Hi,
Kevin heard you needed some scene suggestions, not too specific,
not too vague, but just right. How about this substitute teacher?
Whow we I love the show and all of you alchemists.
Joey please make me breakfast? Kay? Thanks? Alright? Glass Uh,

(06:43):
I'm Mr stevens Uh. I'm not sure where Mr Nandez
was and her lessons plan, and honestly I don't care.
I've just got this TV here, in this VCR, We're
gonna show you a movie. Yea, all right? This is
Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. Wait what what? It's a

(07:04):
It's a wonderful exploration of life and death featuring death
and a chess match. I think you're really gonna watch
it on VHS. Yes, there's a Criterion Blu Ray edition out.
It's two. This room is WiFi enabled. You can just

(07:28):
I understand that. But your your school makes us use
what they have in the A V room. And what
they had in the a V room was this dusty
VHS copy of being mer Bourgman's The Seventh Seal. This
tube screen television on this rolling card and this DCR.
So I'm sorry, but this is what we're gonna have
to use. Our last substitute teacher took us out to

(07:50):
the movies. Yeah, beat that. Look there's I don't really
care to beat that. I'm still gonna get paid no
matter what. I just had to press plan this VCR
and we went to a pagrele motive oar festival. You
went to it all, all of our festival. Hi've I

(08:11):
really want to go see a Parallel Mother is his
newest I mean, I've heard its fantastic, it's solid. We
liked it. It's pretty good. It's not as good as
his older stuff. But I think he's he's looking at
different themes now. But we can all agree. That substitute teacher,
I think it was Mr Ferdinand. I don't remember his name,

(08:32):
but he changed our lives forever, Senor Ferdinand, that's right.
But do you just want to phone it in? I
guess that's what the next generation? Okay, I didn't know
his Ferdinand. We've had a rivalry going since we were
in substitute teacher school together, the academy Substitute Academy and uh, okay, guys,
Welcome to Substitute Teacher Academy. Mrs Mrs O'Rourke is not

(08:57):
here today. Uh, what the hell are you? Who the
hell are you? Why are you put me sitting next
to Stevens? I'll look, what's your name? My name is
Mr Ferdinand. Okay, I'm gonna call you signor Ferdinand. Oh
why because of my accent? You're gonna call me senor Ferdinand.
I thought you would enjoy that. Everybody wants to call

(09:19):
me senor for Okay. Look, I don't know where Mrs
O'Rourke was in teaching you the the ins and outs
of substitute teaching, but can can anybody help me out here?
Where are you in the book? Oh? Man? I think
we were on chapter fifteen, which was, um, what to

(09:40):
do with an unreleased student? Okay, okay, um, I'm sorry.
Is this what you typically substitute teacher is? Sorry, substitute teach?
You know this seems like an unfamiliar subject to you.
Look I I fill in, you know. I do a
lot of him. Okay, I'm mostly a gym teacher. I

(10:03):
do some some bands, some art. But yeah, today they
sent me to the substitute teacher academy. Why do you
not just bring out the brand new VCR that we
just got. We just watch a movie. You guys want
to crack that open? Yeah, let's let's do it. Wait
a second, what if we took advantage of this moment.

(10:25):
We've got an actual, live substitute teacher. Why don't you
tell us what it's like in your real life? Um? Well,
it's it's tough. You know. I call in at six
am every morning, and sometimes you hear, uh, I got
nothing for you, Ted, And sometimes you hear, yeah, you're
going to uh two thousand Oaks, which is like in

(10:47):
rush to hours, like an hour and a half drive
for me to uh to do ninth grade bio. But
what happens once you do get there? Yeah? What happens
when you get there? Well, I try to park in
the in the faculty section, and there's always a guy
saying no, no, no, you can't park here, and I'm like, no, no,

(11:09):
I'm I'm subbing. I'm subbing. He's like, well, do you
have your idea of Like, yeah, I have it, but
then I look and I always forget it. But what
does this have to do with changing children's lives? I
don't know. Is that what you're hoping to do. Well,
that's why we've all signed up to be substitute teachers.
Why we're all in the academy. Hey, where did you

(11:33):
go to, Ferdinand? You should be teaching this class. I
am not ready to teach. No, No, you're you're ready.
I'm you're ready. I'm ready. In fact, I'm going to
take a smoke break outside and Ferdinand take over. I
suppose I should open this book to chapter fift but

(11:54):
this is not the right book. Bullshit, I'm not learning
from Ferdinand. I paid for this class. I want a
real teacher. I'm gonna If you want a real teacher,
you should not have come to substitute teacher academy. I
want to be a substitute teacher, not learned from one. Alright, kids,
fucking alright, fine, you know you want me to live

(12:16):
up to Ferdinand. Looking their desks, there are plane tickets.
We're going to Can. That's going to Can. We're going
now outside ing checked in. Wow, Wow, Wow, we're gonna
get to see the palm door winner before anybody else does.

(12:39):
That's right, kids, all right, just this way, I'll watch
out for the paparazzi line. Excuse us, excuse us. I
always thought it was plural. Who are you? I'm Eddie? Okay,
they must be on in that new Richard link later.
But the kids, all right, kids, just just the way,

(12:59):
this way, this way. Wait, which one of you is Eddie?
Which one? I'm Eddie? I'm Eddie. I've got you on
the jury. What. Yeah, you're gonna be on the jury.
You're gonna help select the winners. WHOA cool? Thanks Stevens.
Well there's David Lynch and Bomb June. Ho. Uh, my

(13:21):
name's Brian. What did you get me? Oh, Brian, you
get to introduce the screening of the brand new Thomas
Vinterberg movie. Um, so here, here's this, here's the one
sheet on it. You can learn a little bit about it,
and you get to run the Q and A afterwards too.
I hope you know what to ask about the Dogma

(13:42):
style of filmmaking, because we're gonna talk about that at length.
I don't I don't know. I don't know those things.
Maybe maybe I should not have put you in. No, No,
you didn't. You should have. You should have. You've changed
my life. You've changed my life more than that old Ferdinand, teacher,
little substitute teacher, Ferdinand. Right this way, students, right this way,

(14:08):
you're all going well, well, well, senor Ferdinand. If it
is not Stevens. What the hello? Kids? It is nice
to see you again. I brought a different substitute class
with me. What are you doing at the Cannes Film Festival?
I brought my kids here. I brought my kids instead
of showing them Seventh Seal again, I brought him here.

(14:30):
And Eddie is on the jury. Oh you got Eddie
on the jury. Hunt. Well, this is Charlie right here. Charlie,
tell him what you are doing in this festival. I uh,
I won a certain regard. That is right. My students
now win awards. But goodbye. Enjoy your being the help

(14:51):
at the festival. Bitch. Fernand was besting me in every
As a kids, we're making a film. We're making it now,
we're gonna get it. In what we're get, we're gonna get.
She'll be able to complete a film and get it
submitted and accepted. You see how long that ride carpet
line is. You see how long that line is for
them to do the step and repeats. You can make

(15:12):
this film we can get it into competition and we
can win this thing, all right, Mr Stevens, uh already. Well,
I got a phone and can shoot video on it,
and I can upload it pretty quick. Great. This is
just like the dogma style of filmmaking that I was
talking about earlier. Vincherberg will love this alright. And I
ran into Juliet Panosh that the water fountain. She says
she's between projects. Scrabber. She's great, She's so underrated. Okay,

(15:35):
let's see there's uh oh, there's uh Audrey Tattoo. Maybe
excuse me, Audrey, are you? Are you really at the moment? No,
would you like to do our dogma style filmmaking? That
the uh my substitute for fifth grade classes doing great? Fantastic?
Uh Oh, there's Yannis Kaminsky. He can lens it. He's

(15:57):
an amazing sint of photographer. Yahoo's yahoosa. Yeah, what do
you want? Will you shoot our film for us on
this one? Not fantastic. It's an iPhone eleven. I know
it's not the pro, but I think it's still pretty good. Alright.
It's me Brian, and I was wondering if maybe there
was a role for me in this movie. Still, someone's

(16:18):
got to write it. And William Goldman just died, so um,
you want to write it? Kid? And the bomb door
goes to Mr Stevens fourth grade class. We did Yes, Yes,
I knew it. Oh wow, Oh my gosh, guys, this

(16:40):
is I'm timing. This is a twelve minute standing ovation.
This is amazing. This is what all my treats have
been like. This is what all my dreams have been like.
This is reel, this is real, this is really happening.
Mr Stevens, Wake up, you fell asleep. Mr Stevens. Mr Stevens,
h Oh my gosh, kids, I'm sorry, the movie is over.

(17:05):
Do you learn a lot we learned about chess and death?
Do you love maximum seats performance? At least man? And
that scene scene number two is coming from Alchemaniac Dougie, Hey, Alchemists,

(17:31):
I've been following Joey around for the better part of
six months. Everything seemed normal until about three days ago.
For now, listeners of Alchemy, this high your Deli meat
update soon scene suggestion. A seemingly innocent game of Duck
duck goose turns wildly violent in this jarring Who done it?

(17:58):
I feel like we're a little old be playing children's games.
Come on, get over over yourself, Barry. I mean, there's
no game better than Duck Duck Goose. Yea, Barry, How
else are you gonna learn about lifeble? The unbearable tension?
Who will be the goose? And once you are the goose?

(18:20):
Are you ready to be the goose? Are you ready
to jump up and run at any moment's notice, Barry?
Burst of adrenaline you get it's great for your heart.
I don't know. I've got kind of a blood pressure
thing going on, and I don't know if bursts of
energy or really what I need. She's the christ Berry.
It's like you don't even want to be in this treehouse.

(18:41):
I mean, I honestly don't want to be in this treehouse.
It was a little difficult to get up into it,
and it's I mean, luckily there's not many of us
up here, but it's a little small, like it was
built for kids. Yeah, kids at heart, Yeah, Barry, we're
trying to have a caprissn Barry. Okay, stabbed right through

(19:03):
to the other side. Wow, you're strong, Berry. Here's another one.
You know what, things aren't like they used to be
when we were kids. Okay, I've grown up quite a bit.
I got a family, I got a job. Shut your mouth,
step down, stepped down with the straw. You shut your
mouth about that berry? We said, we swore his kids.
We took a blood oath. We were never going to

(19:23):
grow up and we never will. Well, I guess if
I just put my finger on the other side of
this bag, I can squeeze it into my mouth. Are
you still having trouble with the fucking caprice sign? I'm
not gonna waste a straw throid. Duck. Oh, it's started, Duck.

(19:44):
Please don't please don't duck. Okay, well, aren't we gonna
wait for ted Duck? Please stop? Just hold off for
a second. Please, there's only two of us, Duck. Can
we hold Can we just have a time out? Is
there no time out? Duck? What's the matter, barry Duck?

(20:10):
I just feel like that we should wait for everyone
to arrive. Good Duck. Well you I feel tizzy, Duck.
You time out? Time out? Please some time out? And
tuk duck duck. Any minute now, I'm going to say
the word duck. Huh duck. Are you getting dizzy? You're

(20:33):
spinning around them. Ted's in the house, talk somebody. You
got it all right? Oh we just started. We just
started the game, but just you like to finish it, Ted,
if you can just talk some sense of to these guys,
we don't need to play children's teams stop right? Are

(20:55):
you serious? I mean I've been waiting for the d
d G all afternoon. Well, you were the king of
this man, You've always been the king of this right, No, Barry,
you are sweating really badly. I just I'm not in
the same shape I used to be as a kid.
That I'm a little afraid of heights. I don't know

(21:16):
why we're gonna play in a treehouse, Duck. This is
where we made the blood oath. Duck. I know it.
We're not playing, Barry, We're bonding, Okay, Duck, All right,
duh Duck. Ted, did you have a problem with the

(21:41):
capri son? No, what an easy, dude, It's come on,
it's the elementary m hm. Duck, are you okay? Maybe
maybe we can make the circle a little smaller so
that there's more room to run around it. Room, okay, Duck.

(22:02):
Could I have a quick time out, Duck? There's no timeouse, right, duck.
All right, what have we got, Detective? A lot of
blood in this treehouse. Jesus Christ, I never seen this
much blood in the treehouse before. Uh it takes some
more pictures of that corner over there. What are we

(22:26):
looking at here? All those three sons? What how many
bodies be looking at well? I mean we got three bodies. Yeah,
we got a big pilot caprice sons over there, all
stabbed all the way through. Okay, well do you think
that means Jesus, I haven't seen this. It's a a

(22:52):
six oh eighty six. Sure. Remember the squeeze at killer. Yeah,
we never caught the guy. Yeah, I never caught him.
Traced him back to this very neighborhood, but still never
caught the squeeze a killer, never found him. Burry your
home early age? I from your friends. Oh yeah, we
took all our clothes off before we we well, we left,

(23:15):
so that's why I'm in my underwear. Whatever. Crazy, I'm
gonna go up in a shower real quick. Is there
gonna be dinner soon? I thought we would go out tonight.
Out tonight? Yeah, okay, okay, I mean it's my birthday,
which you remember, right of course? I got you a

(23:38):
birthday present for your birthday. It's a it's uh getting delivered. Okay, Well,
I thought we'd go to, you know, a nice French
place tonight, maybe get some duck a duck very duck. No, no,
why don't we go somewhere for something like duck? No,

(23:59):
I don't want I can't talk burgers. I don't want burgers. Berry.
I went duck no duck. She got another body. Detective Jesus,
what happened here? I don't know. No capris sons though
anywhere in side. Non. Oh, this is a shame too.

(24:22):
Look at this. Look on it right the the birthday.
What a bummer, I know, geez, But they pulled us
off of that crime seemed to go to this crime scene.
It's weird, right, like weird. It's almost like with Chase
in the same Wait a minute, you think with Chase
in the same killer around town? I think this is connected? No,

(24:48):
I mean could? I mean it could be two murders
identical on the same night in the same town. Made
this since six o eighties? Eggs? Oh sorry, hey, boss,
I slept at the office tonight. Just wanted to know.

(25:09):
It's a little weird. The initiative. Barry problems at home,
So I forgere to be okay if I just crashed here?
Nobody's sure? Sure? Hm, hey boss, what do you want
me and uh me and Andy to put this ladder
uh closer to the room next to my office? I think, well, sure,

(25:31):
we're swinging around here. Hey, watch out the pal duck
duck duck. Most myth sit there on that one. Maybe
maybe bring it around a little closer to it, going
it the other way, okay, turning around? Okay, everybody, duck duck.
I can't take it. I can't take it. Boston Berry,
what what are you doing with that knife? Jesus Christ? Mad?

(25:57):
What are these movers have to do with anything? I
don't know? How's it connected? Three more bodies, three more bodies.
We are terrible detectives. If we can't figure this out.
I feel like we're just always a step behind. You know,
you know what? You know? What always helps me think?
What's that? Those little animal shape boats out on Echo

(26:18):
Park Lake? Yeah? You want to go get on those
little boats? You bet? I love? That would be fun.
Let's do that. So what do you want to push up?
You want a strawberry shortcake? I gotta I gotta get
I'll get a waffle cone with like vanilla ice cream
and um just fudge. Alright, boring, Okay, boring, it's after

(26:43):
the hardwords from top gun ghost. What's your problem? Bell?
Poor ice cream never had a chance. Unbelievable. It was
so close to the boats were about to go on.

(27:04):
You know, it's weird like we were on our way
to the duck boats and he is, can I can
I help in any way here? Officers? I I did
play a surgeon on E. R. Fords, huge fan, very
underrated Revenge Revenge thee Well that's a classic. Sure did

(27:28):
you see anything weird around here? And you happen to
notice the murderer? Well, I you know, I walk, you know,
two laps around the Echo Park Lake, you know the
day you know, I gotta state stand shape to be
on TV. Uh. And now that I've you know, I've
I've found uh new love with mayor winning him uh

(27:50):
later in life. Congratulations than you. And hey heard you
stepped in for the sick actor with COVID and grow
from the North Country last week. Hey you read the book.
That's fantastic. I did you know there's a lot going
on with me these days. But yeah, yeah, I mean basically, yeah, yeah,
you said you wanted to help with the murders. There

(28:13):
was a guy yelling goose at me, which I get
a lot. I get that, you know, sure, sometimes people
just yell you are yeah, that's not your name though,
that's not my name. Your name was your name. You
might if we call you goose. Oh that's that's that's
so fun, that's real fun. You got to see Top Gun, Maverick,

(28:35):
Are you interested in that? They invited me to the premier.
I'm mayor and I have plans that night, so I'm
I'm not sure, but you know, I have to be
ready for a girl for the North Country. You know.
You know there was a guy with a knife. Yeah yeah,
that gout after that guy was I don't know why,
I'm just thinking of it now, but after the guy
yelled goose at me, there was a guy standing right

(28:56):
next to him with a knife. But then I turned
the corner and up walking around the lake was seven
minutes standing ovation. That can top gun average? Seven minutes.
Oh yeah, I'll believe those kids. Those kids got twelve,
they got twelve Yeah, yeah, yeah, well they did. I
mean the movie they made was at Juliet, but ocean
uh never never better. She's always good, she's always good.

(29:19):
So good. All right, So you turn the corner the
guy with to night, all right, we'll go that direction.
What were we trace the staff? Well, I'm gonna get
on one of the duck boats. Who's that running at us?
Oh jeesus? Hey, hey, Anthony, is that the guy that
you saw? The guy you saw? I think I think
it's that guy. Put us right now? Which one of
you guys said? It said? What the D word? It's

(29:45):
driving me crazy? It's driving me crazy? All right, sir?
Put down the knife. Put it down. I can't put
it down. I can't. I need to put it in.
I need to put it in. The guy who just
said duck well, you just said it. Oh wow, God,

(30:11):
before are you the squeeze killer? We're using squeeze killer,
pleez killing. And that's scene number two. And here is
scene number three coming in from the emails. It's from
Robert Williams. This scene suggestion just came to me as

(30:34):
I was getting out of the shower. And if I
don't tell it to you now, I'll never remember it again.
The fifty seven Annual Shampoo Taste Maker Awards, and why
yes I did swallow some raw shampoo, and yes it
did have the same consistency as Joey's favorite beverage, all
the best. God, what are you getting, coconut m Honestly,

(31:06):
this tastes more like a conditioner than a shampoo. Let
me let me swirl it around for a bit. That's
kind of a milky consistency. Is it possible this is
a shampoo conditional combination? It is, and which I thought
we had ruled them ineligible. No, it's that's not eligible

(31:27):
at all. I just want pure pooh. Yeah, pure pooh,
pure pooh. You know everything is so fruity and so
perfume and flowery. Why don't we ever get any savory shampoos? Gentlemen?
All he said, p L classic. That was a good year.

(31:53):
That was a good year. Mm hmm. Pirate ion zinc
in a shampoo bay some water llly good? That like good?
You don't that you could spit. You don't have to
swallow it if you do nothing. Well, I like to swallow,
So if I don't swallow, I don't know how it
goes down. And what kind of taste maker judge would

(32:16):
I be then m yes, yes, Well, the new varietas
that you will be judging will be coming in momentarily.
I just wanted to give you a good riot to
try it first, and I would like to introduce you
to some as it make us. Tell them I'm not
ready yet. Tell them the new varietals will be there
in a few minutes. Thank god, damnit, thank god, damnit. Savory, savory, savory.

(32:39):
No one's ever made a savory sampoo, and that does
them to be Yeah, please, you must make it quickly. Look,
I've tried everything. I've tried rosemary, I've tried garlic. Nothing
seems to work. This is not this, say is yours?
If you want to is this said? What do you
have to produce? Fine? Fine, I didn't want to have

(33:04):
to do this, but I'm I'm going to have to
call the big gun in. Well you sure you want
to do this? Yeah, there's nothing else I can do.
I gotta call him in. Okay, May God to have
miss May God have mercy on the souls of everyone here. Yes,

(33:27):
all right, let me just aim this light at the sky.
That's how I call him. Oh, the hold on, let
me I gotta If I am you got have to
aim it with the shampoo bottle is face up so
we can see that. Okay, there there, there it is
be here any minute. I feel like a failure for
having to call him in another failure. It is me,

(33:50):
Suave Shampoo, taste maker, extraordinary suave swave. Oh thank god
you're here, sir. We we we have an emergency. They
want savory shampoo and we cannot figure out how to
make one shavory shampoo. Who who asks for such a thing?
The people that the tastemaker rewards, the ones making all

(34:13):
the calls. People are tired of sweet and fruity shampoos.
They've had their fill of herbal essences. They want spice essences,
spice essences and vegetable essences and perhaps even new Mommy
meet essences. Actually makes sense. The industry has been going
this way for a long time. Maybe what we should

(34:34):
do is locally sourced some meats, Deli meats. You're saying, wow, well,
the herbal essences is fine, but it's not giving me
an orgasm like the woman in the commercial. Yes, it
says that is very extreme interptation, but it sounds like

(34:56):
you're describing false advertising all are you saying that it
doesn't give you an orgasm. I'm saying it doesn't give
me an orgasm. It's not giving me an orgasm. But
you're saying that's an extreme interpretation. They'll they have this
Eilish splink. Riet will make you come. Uh. Yeah, I'd

(35:20):
like to hire you to represent me in court. You're
that lawyer I've been hearing so much about about the
false advertising claims. Yeah, I took a knife and I
whittled off a little chunk of this Irish spring. And
guess what I was not standing underneath the waterfall in Ireland.
So I would like my three dollars and fifty nine
cents back. Please, do you think you can represent me
in my case? Well, I I think I could just

(35:45):
give you three dollars fifty cents, because I gotta be honest,
My fees are much higher than three dollars fifty cents.
But this is about the principle of false advertising. And
may I say I drank nasty and I never once
fell backward into a pool. All right, well maybe now,
maybe now we've got a couple of different things that
we can put into one class action suit. Wait, I

(36:08):
thought class action was a bunch of people suing one company,
not one person suing a bunch of companies traditionally. Well,
I guess what we have here today, ladies and gentlemen,
is a reverse class action. Uh we have one man
is suing a hundred and companies. That's right, your honor. Okay,

(36:34):
head count to see if the companies are all represented here?
Uh starbursts here, great Pringles, Yeah, yeah, I was able
to stop, Pringles. I was able to stop. All right,
heyday he again. Alright, wait are you representing all of

(36:59):
the bar? Well? Are they all like subsidiarias of craft
or something? Many of them are, yes, and I we
could probably cut run into the chase and a lot
of these you can't stop popping, Pringles. Uh, there just
hasn't been enough time that's gone by until the next
time you pop. And what what possible problem? Could you have?

(37:21):
A pay day? Sir? Yes, the title itself. I opened
up the package and you know what was in there?
Not a check? Also, you expected to Actually I expected
a paycheck. If it's pay day, I'm what am I gonna?
What am I working for? Peanuts? What am I an elephant?
Do I look like an elephant? Your honor. You don't

(37:45):
look like an elephant. Mr Prescott. Uh, great, we will
have got a hundred companies to go. Yep, all right,
let's see here cheese. It's are these all snack related?
By the way, most of them are snacks, many of
them are snacks. A few of them are airlines. Well,

(38:07):
let's let's jump ahead. What what exactly, quantis? What's your
problem with quantas? Uh, there's no you. And it looks
like it's weird. That is weird. It looks like cantus.
And you know what, my mom always told me that, uh,
it's not about what you can't do, it's about what
you can do. And it also kind of implies that

(38:28):
you're gonna get a koala hugging you on the flight, right, Yeah,
and the advertisement siding with him, it doesn't sea. I'm
just talking the witness right now. Well, speaking of feeding,
I am hungry. So if if we could get if
I could get some of those pringles, No, no, no,

(38:50):
be careful, no no, no, you know what, It'll be
fine because apparently you can stop you can't stop false advertising,
false advertise, saying I rest my case your honor favor
of the plaintiff and now we've got ham, ham and cloven.
It will go inside of the shampool. I want you

(39:13):
to bring this ham clothes shampoo to the taste makers.
Let's just I will do. This is valu levolutionary. Let's
see how it goes in it. So some of has
just crossed the ass off of this bottle of shampoo
to make hampoo collect This is a valley flash made

(39:35):
on the pembasis. So take this week is let us
know yourself right and we're actual pigs slaughtered for the
shampoo this there's no wrong there's no wrong answer this.
I do not know. It's a fair flash, fat flash.

(39:56):
Well it is there. It is savory. It's salty. Mm hmm.
I'm getting you know, I'm getting it all over my tongue.
Huh um. Yeah, there's a new mommy burst there. If
the initial salty for it's got like a thick salty

(40:20):
texture and I'm swallowing it. It's um hm. It's gotta
texture that's reminiscent of something. Does it also clean your hair?
Is it just like shampoo? The taste like hands? You
know it does clean your hair. It clean your hair.
That's a lesser concern. Did may I ask, did you ejaculate?

(40:44):
Actually a little bit? A little bit? This is good,
This is good. We all says this to have us
insists then, ah, that good. This is a very positive feedback.
We hope it. It's a place as well as it was. Yes,
this is the fifty seven year, so we hope since
this is a work place. Well, there's a long, long

(41:08):
tradition of shampoo tasting, and I'm honored to be a
part of it in any way, shape or form. But
I must say, as part of the same tradition, this
is wildly new. It's wildly new on my tongue, because
this is a fantastic This is a definitely ac creation

(41:29):
that there is not outsourced to anyone else. This is
from in the house, and this was not not added
by and one, wait a minute, did somebod these shine
the shampoo signal into the sky? What is this? What
shampool thing? I do not know what you speak? No, no,

(41:51):
I see it's actually still up against the clouds. Yes,
that's silhouette of an itchy scalp. No, we have been
found out to hold Then I will be what happened
auf there? Do they like? It's? They did but they
saw the signal. You did not take the single down,
Mr Swap. What do we do? Really is too late?

(42:12):
The Dan Drift will shake it down now like snow
upon New York and Christmas? Is that a metaphor? Well?
Actual Dan truly? What is going to happen? Oh God,
Dad Driff is raining down, Duck Duck. And that's our
show for the day. Thank you alchemists for joining me

(42:33):
this week. What a fun time. Let's find out what
the alchemists are doing. I'm gonna go in reverse order. Craig,
what's up? What's up? Thanks for joining? What's going on
in Craig's life? Oh? Man? So much? Uh? I don't
know when this will air, but I did a little

(42:54):
part for History of the World Part two, the mel
Brooks TV series. What playing playing Joseph Stalin, who I
also played in Drunk History? So I guess I have
a type. Wow, that's incredible. The type is fascist dictators alright? Uh?
And then Market Cagliardi, what is going on in the hissy?

(43:20):
Well here in this hissy, it's uh, no fascisy up
in this hissy like in the KIZZI. Um, we got
this with Mark and how weekly dropping on the Maximum
Fund Network. We settle all of your arguments. Uh. And
then also UM season two, Blood and Treasure coming out
July sev on Paramount Plus our New Home. And if

(43:45):
you live in the l A area, First Thursday of
every month, I'm sorry, Second Thursday of every month, we
are at Lineage Performing Arts Center with what you will
a Shakespearean unplay. And if you don't know what that is,
come see the show. I cannot wait. Cool, what's going on?
Well at Cold Stratton, Rat Stratton, Cool and Socials. No

(44:05):
spiders were harmed in this episode. Thank god, we're freaking
out for once, I know, right. Uh So when the
pandemic started back in I put out this list of
a hundred lesser known movies to stream because every list
I looked at was like Blade Runner, and I was like,
I know, so that's on my website cold Stratton dot com.
But I've been working on a supplemental list, which is

(44:27):
almost done. So it's gonna be a hundred additional movies
that you can stream at home that are lesser known.
So there are things that you might not be aware of,
you may have not seen before, that will hopefully be
done in the next week or so. So by the
time this comes out, hopeflly it will be out there.
So if not, it will be there soon. Uh cold
Stratton dot comment on socials and stuff too, so you
can find some new stuff to stream. It sounds exciting.

(44:51):
There's still ride ups and photos and stuff too. It's
not just like a list, it's it's very in depth.
There should be like a movie watching club that goes
along with it to follow an order. It seems like
it would be a nice it would be a nice
group to join. I'm gonna have to gather some friends
to get that going. There we go and uh, well,
let's thank our engineer and producer to the stars, Mr

(45:13):
Doug Babe, and the fine folks at I Heart Media.
I'm your guest host James Heeney, and I thank you
for listening to the Alchemy this it didn't tell next
time o