December 31, 2019 • 52 mins
The Professor Knows Porn; Hollywood Retirement Home; Kentucky Woman In Australia.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
here filling in for Kevin Pollock, who's directing a new
Garden Herb cooking competition the marvelous Mrs Basil. That will
be a lot of this. That's would be a lot
of it. It's it's New Year's Eve, so instead of
the usual garbage of weird questions that came up with,
(00:24):
I'd rather introduce the aucumists that go around and find
out what your new Year's resolutions are, and then a
year from now we can check in and see what happened.
So first up, Chris Alvarado, Hey, let's see. Well, I've
had a lot of time to think about this because
today's New Year's Eve, so tomorrow I should I should
be working on it. Um. I think it's going to
(00:45):
be a general umbrella type resolution with a lot of
little things underneath it. And I think the goal is
just to love myself more, because it turns out I'm
going to therapy and I have a lot of self
loathing and self I didn't know that though, I was
surprised to find that out and therapists here today. Wow,
So there you go, love myself a little bit more.
(01:06):
Vanessa Raglan let me fuck boys, not men, not man.
Go back down, make money boys. I think you have
your new T shirt design Hunter. Yes, that's the DYNA.
(01:27):
I don't like my That's not a resolution, that's a war. Craig,
are you gonna make money boys? I want to fun
boys to men. I've only got two of the four,
so I'm going to complete the quartet um. I also
want to to see Chris's therapist and get some bird
(01:51):
on Chris. That's Craig Atkowsky. By the way, I didn't
give his last name, could have been Craig Anton or something.
I I think that's another thing for I'm just gonna
go by Craig as I think you know those one
name celebrities seem to do better biz James Haney uh
for this year coming up, I'd like next year. This.
(02:13):
This is my New Year's resolution starting tomorrow is going
to be to use more natural ingredients in your hands, browns,
just as many in as many things as possible. What
are the unnatural? What are you using? Well, you know
sometimes I'll break up some styrofoam to have fake snow
on the floor. You know those are ingredients, like do
(02:38):
I and I'm not saying I'm giving up hash browns.
But do I need to buy frozen premium hash browns?
Or could I just cut up a potato? Honey, you
are going to rue the day. I haven't made that
commitment yet. Have you decided to make hash browns from Scotch?
I wish I could take. I wish I could take.
How do you get them packed together? You're report. I
(03:02):
don't think they're going to be nearly You've grown a
customer too, sweet friends, No, it's way more expensive to
maybe Joey Greer. My new year's resolution is to finally
get the surgery to look exactly like James Keeney. I'm
going to be a one for one copy allowed to
(03:24):
do that. The christam a lot. I'm American. I can
do whatever the hell I want. Yeah, but that's my likeness. Yeah,
but only in real life. Have you copyrighted it? No?
But there you go. And I've already patented a lot
of the things he does. I didn't know you could. Yeah,
Well there you go. So this has been fun guys, Yeah,
I think the podcast is over. This is what are
you doing? I'm gonna make boys and fun money. Nobody nobody,
(03:52):
and honestly, growth, I think I'm gonna work on saying
no more because I tend to say yes to everything
and a lot of things I don't want to do.
Then I'm like, why do I say yes to that?
And then I work myself crazy? Are you telling us
this is what I will always say? Yes? Um? All right, well,
(04:12):
we'd like to invite you all to become v i
P members on our new Patreon page. This bonus episode
is not available to non members as a phone number
just for v i p s, where you can leave
a message, be at a question and request whatever you want.
We'll reply at our new regular video Q and A
with the Alchemist at Kevin's Place, which are only available
to v i p s Because all kinds of cool ship,
So please join our super core fans by going to
Patreon dot com slash alchemy This. All of today's scene
(04:36):
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here for our first scene, Hi, Alchemists, it's Jason again,
the teacher from Australia who offered up the scene suggestion
child teacher versus adult students. I was excited to see
(04:59):
how you could interprop really mangle an innocent scene in
which you didn't disappoint. Well done. You all get a
gold star since you all can't help yourself to make
scenes inappropriate, Let's face it, I have another scene suggestion
to share here. It is a university professor is delivering
a lecture. Every time he goes to show the class
of video clip about the topic he's teaching, he accidentally
(05:21):
plays porn. However, instead of admitting he made a mistake,
he always attempts to explain why he showed them porn
on purpose and how it relates to what they're learning.
You're all amazing, Thanks for the laughs. I look forward
to many more years of alchemy. Jason Taylor a k
mr t PS. It is super exciting to hear Kevin
Pollock reads something I wrote. Although if it happens to
be Cold Stratton, that's cool too. I guess I'll google him.
(05:46):
After the episode, Kevin wrote that, Hey, I'm just trying
to pay attention. Please, I need the notes. I'm trying
to pay attention. Do you guys keep it down? Yes,
I'm trying to learn about the Renaissance. We all are.
I'm asking for notes that we want some notes on
the Renaissance. You're gonna you're gonna have to Renaissance. Okay,
(06:09):
question ye can we start there? Maybe the professor is
going to cover that. Okay, he's wearing a tie today,
A great. Please stop talking to me, Please stop. Don't
even trying to tell what we're friends are. Yes, I
was trailing off Renaissance. That's what we're all gonna talk
(06:32):
about today. Raise your hands if you know what the
Renaissance is you? Yeah, what's the Renaissance period in time? Yeah?
Guys getting high fives? No, alright, so that was pretty good,
but it just kind of brings a box together. Okay,
hold on hold, I'm still praising another students generally correct answer.
(06:54):
Could you specify more what the Renaissance is? Yes, High
Professor Press Scott, thank you. I've been waiting three semesters
to take your class. It's hard to get into this class, really,
I know, I know what it's really excited to be here.
Renaissance is French for rebirth. Um, that sounds wrong. So
I did not learn French. I did not learn French.
(07:17):
But it sounds it sounds authentic. The good news for
you guys today is I have brought in from the
Renaissance VHS from the Renaissance. This no, no, this VHS
tape is going to teach you guys a lot about
the most important parts of the Renaissce movie. And it's
got a fantastic, fantastic host. You're gonna love it. Let's
(07:41):
just pop this in. And what she's showing a video
on the first day. You know, I'm a great professor. Okay, stop.
The Renaissance is the time when the world was looking
to do something. Okay, I gotta stop this. This is
the wrong tape. Right questions okay, question, question, This is
(08:04):
actually not an appropriate time. Question question, question question, okay,
yes you question. Is there any way I can to
barrow that video? Real quick? Huh, this is the incorrect video.
It's not gonna happens fine kind of video real quick? Please?
Please you you I saw something bad? Um? What did
you see? I don't want to say. You can whisper.
(08:31):
I don't want to I don't know if it's it
sounds like it's pretty bad. And I'm the teacher. So
who somebody's gonna be the word question. It looks like
on that VHS that you taped over something else. Well,
sometimes what happens is I'll have the video of one
thing and I don't know what the problem is, maybe
the audio cables in the back around, but it'll get
(08:52):
the audio because there were clearly was a voice over
about the Renaissance, but then the images were hardcore pornography. Yes,
I'm sure. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I let
my car got told and I just why are there
so many boners? What? Listen? Sit down in a seat. Uh, sorry,
you're late for classes. I don't know if you know,
but Professor Prescott does not does not accept you done
(09:14):
yourself in the third person? You pervert. Well I'm the pervert,
Professor Prescott. I'm sure there's a logical explanation. I said,
what we just saw. Surely you can justify that, justify
what we just saw. Yeah, how it actually was something
you meant to show us? Well, it was something I
meant to show you. Um, but the tape didn't have
(09:35):
the Wait wait what did I mean? What did I
play it again? Well? You know what you guys, you guys,
I just got this VHS from class. You got what
you got? Two vs? Just take you? Is it working?
A blue right? My heart? Are you got to check
(09:59):
this fist? Hold on? Hold on him? Great, tim, Actually
I think we should listen to him. I haven't seen
his take this hard in a very long time. You're
telling me this is from class him sus takes. Will
it work? And blue right? Jam it in? It's working.
(10:24):
There is the time. Stop stop stopping ship out? Man,
Oh my god, it's so hot and information by touch
a sharp part. Ship dude, this is good stuff. Where'd
you get it? This is the pure pier from Professor
Professor Prescott. Hey, should all join that class? Takes three
(10:46):
semesters to get it? Doesn't wait? Jump in a month
old didn't do anything to my dick. Maybe I need
to do some soul searching. Yeah, that makes sense. It's fine.
Whatever you're into is fine. Whatever you're into fine. Maybe
they'll show some other videos and you know, maybe something
will flow. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're a pen sexual.
(11:06):
What time period are you into? I really like the
Dark Ages and the Age of Enlightenment, Like are two
things I'm super into. Well, I mean, that's kind of
like the Age of enlightenment like restaurance. It's nearby, but
it's like so close, uh, Professor Prescott, question question, question down.
I know that last week class didn't go the way
that you wanted it to. Not missing one of my
(11:29):
favorite tapes. Oh really that tape from last week? Yeah,
that student took it and never came back. That's one
of your favorite tips. Well, Professor Prescott, Yes, this is
the class. This is my class. Yeah, yeah, I can
smell the come over there and some people over there.
All right, okay, is there a life sex show going
(11:51):
on here this class? Listen, You've got to calm down.
You were in college, notre Do you think that high
school is the end of education? You're never said that.
The woman in the video looked sad. She's making happy noises,
but I saw her eyes and she looked really sad.
(12:11):
That's what we call in the renaissance, sad eyes. Guys.
Check it out. I look for its back. There's another
video in here. It ren assance too, ren ass sauce.
Do you have a blue ray? I got a game boy? Okay, cool,
let's put it in there. We gotta take tutres out first,
(12:31):
Professor Prescott. I'm sorry, I didn't expect anybody to stay
after class. Um, well, I was pretending to be a student.
I'm actually you're much too whoa you? Anybody can go
to college, that's the I'm the dean. Oh my god,
oh my. I was wearing this Nike baseball cap backwards
so you would recognize me. Look, I don't mind the
(12:55):
tapes you're playing. Frankly, what I not? What what do you?
What do you mean? You don't mind the sex tapes,
the Renaissance tapes ran ass aunts to ring a bell?
Yeah that's the sequel. Yeah, okay. What I do mind
is how you can't seem to get your class under control.
(13:17):
If you're going to teach this class. I need you
to teach this class. I don't care if there's boobs.
I don't care if there's sad eyes. But you need
to be in control, you understand. I don't think so.
Actually I don't have a boner. Could okay? Well another drink, professor, Yeah,
another drink. I don't know. I feel like I might
(13:39):
just quit. Yeah, that's an option, you know, there's always
that option. It's just that nobody cares about education anymore.
I'm trying to honey, I love education. I'm a professor.
I'm a professor to what because you've never seen are
(14:00):
your professor? What I teach math? I teach rem assence.
All right, I'm putting you guys off from another way
to get me. Guess what I do you get? I
(14:25):
said how economics is stupid? Missa bitch? Sorry you said math.
So I hadn't I thought that I was in the
game to say something really bad. You wouldn't look over there.
Those are the professors. The professors. Wow, yeah, that's the
(14:45):
one who brings his sex tapes in. And that lady
over there, she teaches astrophysics. But dude, she has a
saying like everybody knows it. Do you know what you're saying?
Tell me trow film my tip? Oh that's you know
what that's always interested me. If I was in the science,
(15:08):
why did you do these little fingers are a pair
of legs and they walking Look here in their own
good professor, as if we went to this tranquilizer bar,
you know the spots. By the way, her saying is
make money fun boys, which is like, look, you and
(15:29):
I are men. Now I've been sitting here for what
she hasn't said that once. Well, watch this, so you
got a little drule sicle coming down. Sorry, let me
wipe that offensive the tranquilizers. I don't usually do these.
Oh I do, yeah, work, it makes my brain go crazy.
(15:52):
I relax sometimes. You know what I've always been confused
about with astrophysics? You tell me about the black hole?
O contray? You try? Okay? Do you know what als
been confused better than okay? A really easily? It means
(16:18):
rebirth the French. Wow, guys, just the finals. I can't
get those notes? Look, no, okay, you get after class?
All right? Please please let me focus. Can you guys
keep it down? You're obviously cheating or no, I'm asking
for talking, do you guys? I realized what the professor
has been doing this whole time, whispered to us. Okay,
(16:39):
the feature has been using pornography to try to show
us how sensational the actual You have a problem with
information then, like you have a problem like hearing things,
and like you just need to say it's slower, you know,
like you thank you, like you just can't. Why don't
you take what do you hear what I'm saying? Nudity
then was shocking, right? The human body was shocking. He's
shocking us now he's been teaching us brilliant. He's so brilliant.
(17:03):
And her eyes were sad because that's how paintings are.
So you justified all this. I'm glad someone did. I
didn't get a thing she said, though, Did you take
notes on that? I take notes on what she said talking? Well,
here he comes a whoa? Everybody okay in here, Professor Prescott,
Why are you nude? Oh? Ship ship I'll be right back. No,
(17:26):
just kidding. It was part of the class. Let's show
some solidarity. Let's standards. This is going to be surprised.
Stand on our dick, Yeah, you're standing on mine? Who stick?
(17:47):
Do I stand? You choose? Seeing right here? This is amazing.
I all I wanted to do is show you how
shocking the renaissance was, and I am shocked. Let me
just show you the brain. Everybody in class gets me
(18:09):
when I fuck boy who it's perfect. They made money
and they fucked boys. The end was that Morgan Freeman,
Get busy, Dicken, get busy diving seen number two Gratings.
(18:36):
Alchemists love the show. You're all hilarious, especially Vanessa and
her gruff. Llillary characters new phone. I love her because
I think I know her from somewhere. I worked the
night shift in a nursing home. That's rewarding work, but
sometimes feels like I'm taking care of sixty Marvin mcughs.
And while back, one of our while back, one of
our residents, who was an actor with a few bit
(18:58):
parts and TV shows in the seventies, hasted away. He
had no family, and when we were packing his belonging
as we found a box with hundreds of unsigned black
and white head shots ready for autographs that will never
be given. Kind of sad, but it gives me a
great idea for a seat Hollywood nursing home with third
rate celebrities. Thanks for keeping me awake through the long nights, Sincerely, Gustavo.
(19:23):
Lights out, Lights down, twenty minutes. Do you mean do
you mean that went on shooting today? Are we done shooting?
Is that a rap for the day? That's what I
was looking for? Twenty minutes to lights Oh, yes, thank you,
welcome Hey Steve, Yeah, we talked to you, man um.
(19:46):
I was thinking, what if we stopped pushing against these
guys switch blade? Excuse me, excuse me? Were crafty. The
cafters closed right now, gladys my linning going to need
something before we wrap for the day. I can bring
you some yogurt if you'd like. My trailer never showed up,
never showed up. Fix that in the morning. Showed up.
(20:10):
We'll fix that in the morning. You get on my
breast in the I'm so sorry, I'm well, I wander
over here. All right, I'm saying, you're so sorry, so
I'll put the knife away. You. You're so good at
dealing with him, like you really are good. You know,
I I them, I pushed them around. Yeah, you're violent.
(20:33):
But here's here's what I'm thinking. What if what if
we did make a movie? What are you talking about?
You know? What if we are you talking about using
this old talent right here? Yeah? I didn't get a
call sheet for tomorrow. There you'll be woken up at
six am with a call sheet. Six am, wake up,
six am, wake up, and then we'll come having had yeah,
(20:55):
come having had yeah, and then we'll get you at six.
We'll get you at six. Okay, why don't we sounds
going to shoot up my alarm? What are you talking
about that? They don't know? What the hell the doing
anymore they do question. I'm sorry interrupted, I know, especially
the directory a bit psificity, but will heron make a
big providing hair to come to my attention? I do
(21:16):
not he pulling your hair on? Hair out? Okay, glad
to stop stop pulling your hair out, makeup. We will
get you hair. I'm sorry. I'm not sure which pages
were using, the Golden Rod ones or the Salmon ones.
I don't know where we are on the draft either
Napkin either Napkin Sern. Okay, what do you think? I think? Actually,
(21:38):
you know this is a good idea. We can make
a ship on the money. I'm sticking tired of being
work in a nursing home. You know you say this
every night? Well because I'm a five fucking hand dude.
I wish I was taking care of younger people, but
it's just so old. Look, Elliott, do want to run lines? Sure?
Go ahead? Okay, all right, Hi, how are you hi?
(22:00):
How are you hi? How are you hill? I'm sorry
you guys have the golden pageson? Ok strange? All right, Hi?
Thanks for having us ahead of Fox. Please sit down.
I don't get a lot of time, so uh okay,
(22:22):
and I'm going to start this time or on my desk,
uh and go pitch, pitch its two hour clock you
have going there, You've got two hours starting now, all right,
we'll prove it. Start talking. We have a we have
a actor's home and wow, that that we think would
be fantastic to film a feature. He's using them. Yeah, yeah,
(22:45):
and that's it. We just need money, equipment, crew, crew.
You're telling me that you've got actors in at home
and all you need is money, equipment of crew, and
that's it. Yeah, we think we can do this. We've
laid out our budget here. We need uty million dollars.
Two thirty million dollars. Happy to adjust, we can do more, alright, No,
(23:09):
two million dollars. But it's gonna mean you have a
tight time budget. I need something time budget, tight time budget. Okay,
we're going to give you a loose budget for money.
We're gonna need a tight time budget. What are you
doing in my office? Sorry? Sorry, I was just straightening
this out and now everything on your desk is cleaned.
Go ahead? Is this I just I didn't mean it.
(23:33):
I must have bunched it with my on What the
fun is going on? I'm sorry? We were here to
mean with the head of Fox, the head of fix this.
This woman was still a man. No, he didn't even
tell us a name. We said the head of who
it is? He started the timer. Yeah, You've been sadly
misled by a pervert. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
(23:55):
I got busted. Get back to video village. I'll be back.
So you're going to keep as a high Listen. This
city is built on bricks of sin and I can't
change that in a day. How can I help you? Boys? Well,
we were just discussing with down, but we have a movie.
We have actor is no one Donna Ship You never
met Donna. I never want to hear his name again.
(24:16):
Starting the time and now go another two hours. Um
we we uh, we have we have at home with
actors and we want to film a feature with them.
We need we just need a budgets. The hook is
um um, the hook is U there. So they were
third rate actors. We know that they were yes one
(24:37):
to three and this is their comeback story exactly right
right before they die. Have you seen have you seen
us the penguins? Uh? Yeah, yeah, what what's the one?
The one millions? But it's gonna be a tight time budget.
What is the tight time? What million? Come back? And
we were actually convers though the story is basically our
(25:04):
story of us, Henry, Henry. Listen to me, Henry, look
at me. You run at that wall and you break
through the wall. Okay, all right, that's what you're doing now.
I had a night with Jeane Kelly. Sit down, all right.
Can we make sure she's not singing? It's bleeding through
her through the wall. Oh my god, can you let
(25:27):
us out of here? Please? Side effects man include drowsiness, dizziness,
and stop reading the bottle. I'm going I'm reading my life.
Please stop reading the Excuse me. I'm here to see
my my father. Who is this guy? Does he is Jerry?
I'm just my dad lives here, so I'm it's a closer.
(25:49):
It's a fox that you can't I didn't know anything
about this being a second on the ground. Who are
you let my name is? My name is Fred? I said?
He right, you're pity my back. We'll find it with defeat.
Grab your jacket, alright, pull it out, okay, sandals, alright, actors.
As your director, I want to have one quick conversation
(26:11):
before we continue alright, actor, what are you doing in there?
I'm just gonna have a quick conversation with him. What
the hell is this? It was a whole meeting and
I'm not invited. No, you're of course you're invited. I
just stumbled onto it. What's going on here? Is this
a three picture to you? Gladys? What's going on? There's
we're taking a new direction? Oh wow, Wow, you're still involved.
(26:31):
You're boxing me out. There's no, you're still involved. You're
trying to kill me. What this is this? Well, that's
kind of I need to bind my breast to play younger, Gladys. Jerry,
am I possibly recurring? Well, the short answer that is no,
because here's what we're asking, glad it's not buying them
like straight up, she's binding them straight out. She's clean
(26:54):
to sixteen. Now I have new pages for your knowledge.
The last page, as you'll see, has all of you
taking all of your pills at once. What is this
you telling about suicide? I'm giving them an opportunity to
live forever. Oh no, are we making another snuff film?
(27:16):
You made a snuff film with him? That was happening
my phone. That was happening my phone weekend. I leave
a weekend, I leave you make a snuff film. That's
how Jerry went. His son's in the lobby. I don't
know what to say to Jerry's dead time day twinkles
(27:39):
for that. Tell me what you think you're going in
this goddamn studio, my dad. It's the holiday season. I
just figured it was a good time to come on
in and bring there's long time silvers in the back
over there. We're just gonna have dinner. Oh that cold
bag there's was it cold when I arrived? Yeah? People
(27:59):
can make me sick, all right, people like he sick? Right, bro,
chuck it out. I got this VHS. Apparently they shot
it here last week. Oh yeah, are you gonna like this?
A little treat for you, a little reprieve. I'm sorry, Jerry.
I didn't mean to do this. You gotta you gotta
take all of them, stop talking to take out. The
(28:21):
side effects may include vertigo, cancer and lab mice. Holy ship,
this is really yep. She's in the shot. The booms
in the shot as well. Everything. I don't feel nothing.
I don't know what you guys. You were putting pills
in my dad's mouth. I didn't do that. That was
(28:43):
another guy, you know that. I want to I want
to talk to the cops. I'm calling the cops. What
I'm a cop? Okay, I just saw a video. They
were forcually a security guard. But we have a lot
in common. I learned a lot of the same stuff.
So I think you'll find me f FBI. Your FBI.
I mean, I'm a security officer here, but you know
(29:05):
he's FBI. I'm just screezed. I gotta leave. I have
to go to the real authorities. I'm not getting you
out of you already saw it happened on this so
we're not gonna have you sell it over to paramount.
And I got heart of the FBI on this one. Please.
My father was a good man and I a decent
person to just left me your father cold long John
Silva when I got here, Who is your dad? Jerry?
(29:28):
The guy that had the pills throw down his throat?
Oh I didn't Why would you show me that? We
didn't know? Why? What were the oppost that was the movie?
I can't tell to you. Yeah, we used his body
as like just like a throw pillow for the other scenes.
Oh that, I mean, we desecreated that corpse. It was not.
(29:52):
I don't think that's going to come down on me, right,
I'm telling you. I'm just telling you. So the Jerry's
tape didn't test well with the target audience. Yeah, his
son gave it a really low review. Okay, okay, So
you want me to see, Hey, what's going on in here?
What's up? What's going on? To send me a quick conversation.
What's going on? You going over atlytics without me? This
(30:15):
is the studio? What's what's my motivation in this scene? Well,
it depends are we going to keep going the way?
This is what I don't know. I mean, it tested
poorly and that was a pill ending, So maybe we
need to rethink how this other one ends. Any thoughts,
It's just a Jerry video. Yeah, people didn't like it,
did not test well. They didn't laugh. Now if you need,
if you need to kill me, I'm up for it. Okay.
(30:37):
But yeah, that's this is good. This is good. Okay.
I think pills are the expected way for these guys.
I think we need to do some little out of
left dogs dogs we just unleash, won't I won't work
with dogs, never work with children around animals. W c
fields well before we get to the death scene. Unfortunately,
we have to get to the gladdys love making scene.
(31:00):
We have to, we have to she binded her boobs
and everything. Who cares? Who cares, that's her choice. Don't
need to do. She kept pressing us for the scenes
that I am just a stunt cock for you. No, no, no, no, no, no,
not at all. Are you making the love No? You are? You?
I am you are? But that's gonna be so sick
and no one to go ahead, get it shot and
(31:21):
then I'll test it with her children. Okay, that sounds great,
all right, you two. You know the setting. You do
like me to do a little baby girl voice? Uh?
What the funk was that? What the fuck was that?
You told us you had news about our mother? Is
this so okay? Really quick? We paid fifty dollars a
(31:44):
year for this? Three? How likely are you to recommend
this film? You know? Zero? Zero zero, I'm not going
to recommend anyone. I want to make sure you understand.
Can't see those images. Zero is not like at all likely.
(32:05):
One is somewhat like is perhaps, three is likely is
probably so so zero so um it did not resonate
in the way that we helped it would what's going on?
Just having me? I told you to kill me and
(32:27):
you didn't do it without the coffees. I have correct
the code run binding breasts. Okay, I was doing it wrong.
It's come to my attention. You don't get them as
a stock. You go around the robin, not individually at
(32:48):
the stock. Yeah, they did say my mom's breast look mangled.
That was a comment, okay, that they had them filled
things out. I mean they did give feedback, it just
was not positive. So what are we missing here? What
is the student of want? I think they want dogs
running through the finished I thought attacking the elderly. I
doesn't want to work with dogs. Can't you add them
(33:09):
with c G I you've got a hundred million dollar budget,
not anymore. I just find out about the budget. I
I overhear things, you know, I read the trades. Gardless,
you have to shoot it today. We are on a
tight time budget. Why didn't you tell us hold on,
(33:30):
we haven't started. You can't just cap dance, take your
clothes trying to get it up here? All right, we're
not doing another sex thing. We're not doing another dogs.
Welcome to your ren assance. So we have some reships.
We'd like you guys to take a look at I
think your mom is much better than this. No, what
(33:53):
are you talking about? Just take a look. It's I
think it's pretty good. Plus there's some unexpected animal work here.
It is I have a mad little penis to whooped quick?
What is my mom? Same? Oh my god? Those doctor
(34:16):
just killing everybody? What the fun is this? So um?
It actually got slightly better marks. I was just on
the phone with everyone of the two pizza. What is this? Oh,
we're just kill me, Please kill me. This body is desecrated.
I'm still alive. I thought we were using It was
like a throw pillow with the other body. Look, look,
(34:37):
I don't know why you're having a meeting without me. Okay,
very disrespectful, and you just gotta wait. Okay, we're gonna
use you soon. Okay, I'm number one on the coach.
You are? You are? Can we check on Gladys she passed?
Man can check on the state of her body when
he reshoots. You're gonna you're gonna pump at her. Yeah,
we're gonna have to tie strings to her wrists and
(35:00):
make her do that scene again and that's when Weekend
at Bernese three became the hottest settling film of all time,
staring Gladys. Unfortunately she didn't survive the film, but we
all knew that, didn't we She's a star at the
end of it. That's the most important things wanted. Scene
(35:24):
three our final scene today. Hey guys, I've been listening
since the beginning and I've loved every second of it.
Thanks for bringing more laughter into the world. I'm from
Kentucky and I've recently gotten married in Hawaii to an
Australian man whom I met online, and now we're living
in rural Victoria, Australia. I love to hear any aspect
of that from your magical minds. The k Y meets
(35:45):
Australian online, the marriage in Hawaii, the Kentucky and living
in rural Australia. I know you'll have fun with it.
Thanks for the last Shelby. It'll be um sixteen two,
It'll be sixteen Daddy Day can't help, but I can't help.
But notice you sound like a sophisticated guy. Here's your
(36:08):
seventeen dollars and you can keep the change. Um, But
my my my wife and I have a daughter that
we just can't. He's a line. What's that? There's a
line behind you? Tell him about her? Well, my daughter really,
it's just been hard for her in the dating to you.
Here's her picture. She's a beautiful girl. She won four pageants,
(36:30):
she's got all her teeth, her shots, her up to date,
and she's looking to Mary and after my reach. Hey,
I just need to sell. I need to make this
deal right now. We've got a sophisticated man here. You're
looking at give me a daughter? Is he right? Well,
I'll not give it to not it behind you, just
(36:56):
move out of the way. I don't know what you're offering.
Movie alright you never mind? Never here, it got weird.
I'm gonna slipper picture over here with her number on
the back. Basically, it's a visa situation. We've got ourselves
in a pickle. Daddy and I can't help. We gotta
get out of here. Maybe there's something you can do
by bye. Alright, it'll be um, mommy, daddy and he
(37:26):
take us. I want to get out there and make money.
Fun boys, So what do you guy for me? Is
it going well? We met this well? Guy, very well, guy,
Rubop at Rubop, that restaurant, Rubop. That's readion all. You know.
We were at Rubop getting here. Oh no no, whenever
(37:52):
the door doalks, I'm so sed. I'll get it. I'll
get it, I'll get it. Hello, Australian slide department, No
money test in heaven, Australian season sheep, you'll be short
made shetally. I'm gonna have to be married, he Mary
Newnausy almost um soon, I think, thank you, I'm gonna
(38:17):
get out of here. You're a sign um yea almost trying.
Then I am Australian night, I'm not Kentuckian marl. Let
me see some more day right then, let me pull
(38:39):
it out to me purse. Oh god, Cockney. And that
is the wonderful story of how these two lovers met.
We are now gathered here in Hawaii. Hello. That was
one confusing story. Was confusing. I don't understand. You know,
she married the guy that killed her parents. That's insane.
(39:02):
I'm trying to watch the wedding. I understand. We're trying
to get everything strange matter to fucking wedding. It doesn't
matter because I'm just trying to connect everything that was happening.
Mptions if you flipped an invite under my hotel door,
they have a pa. And we end this ceremony with
howaii insane of Merry Christmas, which is malakaliki Marca, Merry Christmas, everybody,
(39:30):
every joint in Christmas. This is the couple's first dance.
All right, can I get you a cocktail? Cocktail for
the fret of the wedding? Yeah, I would love a cocktail?
Oh the bride? Yeah, hello, we have a special cocktail
for you, just for you. I wonder if it sounded nefarious,
(39:53):
it's not. It's so we we You requested just a
rum cocktail, so I have your rum cocktail. Than gi.
This is a delicious is my tie? It's delicious? This
is this has been such a wonderful agulation to the bride.
Thank you, thank you so much. I'm sorry about your father.
I know me and your mom. I guess did past Yeah,
(40:16):
well you know it was sad, but you know you
can't help you. You You love and I am in love
with my guy. Why did your get so big and
scared when you said that? Because I'm super in love.
Oh you're breaking the glass. Hey, everybody, the groom is
gonna make a speech. The groom is going to make
a speech, So let's to write our attention to the groom.
(40:37):
They separated us, they told us to go out, and
then that those that come back as the grooms. Why
don't they just give the speeches in order? And yeah,
quick side note, m our groom obviously has an accent.
Uh it's a really really good accent. So if you
can't understand it for some reason, that notes will be
passed out to each table so you can follow along.
(40:59):
All right, you know, so he humped a pre written
speech and lady and gentlemen the groom alright, alright, everybody,
And I was trying to avoid to speak in the wedding.
Not my idea of the good time. So I just
want to talk about how I met my sweet, sweet
(41:21):
baby love. And I don't think that because they had
the newspaper article with his picture, that's not him. He
looked like that guy. So what happens is in my contray.
But they don't have agent Thompson needs you to pose
as the as the groom. Okay, what do you mean,
(41:43):
isn't the real groom there? We're we're good at what
you need to go we'll detain him. Somebody's gonna do makeup.
I need to go in. You need you to find
out exactly what happened with that. It was never solved,
so you know, get the bride to say something to
the makeup chair. We're gonna make you look very Australia, right, okay,
so you look right now, you look totally American. I
(42:05):
haven't changed in a while. Um, so you look like
an Australian. Um. Have you worked with a dialect coach?
Could you help me out? Please? All right? Let me
die coach and will help you out? All right? Please?
Are you a tranquilizers? I had a tranquilizer. I'm not
on tranquilizer. Well, actually, we're gonna ask you to be
on more tranquilardge. It's gonna help you get into the group. Okay.
I usually do that when I have any situations sniping,
(42:28):
you know, stuff like that. Yeah, all right, do me
a favor, right, goad this? Say this? Oh all right now,
say well I want that banana? All right, I don't
know what you made it sound different than I did.
All right, excuse me, agent, We need you back in
the makeup trailer. They made you up like an Aboriginal Australia.
That was just a terrible mistake on our part. Welcome back. Sorry,
(42:49):
that was my bad little time. So I didn't know
which part of Australia they were, Okay, I didn't know.
It's a little can you help me with my accent?
All right? So say this for me to say this
to me, my hands clap, My hands clap, now say
it like me, my hands clap. Are you doing it?
You don't sound Australia. I don't need to, Okay, my
hands clap, all right, say this. I'm in Australia right now.
(43:12):
I mean Australia right now. To say this alright? The
hell God is a little loud, but just listen up.
Operation groom is a go. Operation groom is apation. What's
the one group? Operation groom not room? No, no, no.
That was the weirdest fucking speech from the chroom. And
(43:35):
I cannot be the only one freaking out, but I'm
freaking out. I'm freaking out as well. I shouldn't come down.
I thought the hotel was putting on a thing. I mean, like,
what else is What's what's happening? What's actually happening? Honestly,
I have no idea and I'm freaked out of my ask.
You know what, it reminds me of Operation Dumbo. Drop
the movie with Billy Crystal. Love that movie. I love
that movie. Eyes A speech from the bride again. Hey y'all,
(44:04):
second time's charm um been magical. Um, I just have
loved having y'all here, and I'm just so excited to
be scared. I'm super happy. I'm super happy, I'm super
love and um I did. I'm so happy y'all here,
and I'm so happy all be going back to the States. Agent.
(44:26):
Now was the time. Now was the time. I already
gave a speech to the fantastical because she does seem
legitimately happy. I've never seen her so happy. I don't
know where I got this from the hotel they slipped.
I don't like I'm not. I was wondering if you
were from the Kentucky side of the Australian side. I'm
from the Kentucky said, don't know, but I don't think
(44:47):
I'm related to her. I'm just from Kentucky. I'm from Chicago.
I just came out here the wife from vacation and
now my sweet sweet husband, who I certainly who love.
We'll have to play the traditional song on the digit
redo to submit our union, or I'm just gonna put
us up to my mouth and I'm gonna is this
(45:09):
not the here we go? It looks like somebody soda
marsupial pouch under his stomach. Oh my god. Oh it's
a box job. It looks infecting the ship. I don't know.
I think he looks pretty. That's so fu up. Actually,
the mully due playing, and I'm gonna take my wife
with me and gonna call the marriage and then we'll
(45:31):
be say that he's gonna here out of here. I
don't know you have your attention. We are now going
to watch the briden room, get into the glassroom the
marriage before you. I got I gotta behind us. You
(45:52):
don't need to alright now that we're alone, I gotta
tell you the truth. I'm not who you think I am.
I know that you know I'm not your husband. It's
super obvious. I hope he took him somewhere and killed
the funk out of him. He's a monster. I don't
want to be with him right now. I know everybody
(46:12):
can see us having this conversation. He's got a gun
in them. Our supio pouts ship. We gotta do something.
Just thought there would be like apps being passed around.
This is gonna be a snuffing. He killed her folks.
He's stuff. It's it's it's like a it's like cocaine.
It's like not really, but it's like that. It's also
(46:33):
like a snuff is like a silence of killed. I'm
gonna kill you. It's not. Okay, everybody. We now need
all the guests to line up in three lines. We
need the Kentucky side to watch the glass room consummation
from this side. What if you're from Kentucky but you're not.
You don't you don't got no ties. Well, let me
just finish the three options here Kentucky's line over here,
(46:53):
Australian saide over here, and members and guests of the
hotel right here. But I am from Kentucky. Man, you
can stay, you can stand in between both. Okay, that
makes four lines. This thing is a ship show. When
does the pig ROAs start? Um? As soon as um
the red cloth is past. You haven't started the pig roast?
Does it take hours? I want you talking about you
(47:14):
haven't started the pig roast. Well, if we have any volunteers,
you want to dig a pit and I don't want
to take a pi' goddamn kiss here, sir, are you
on the Kentucky side Australian side for Chicago? You can
get behind me because I'm starting on the thing. Look,
I came to this. There's gonna be free food, free,
there will, yes, there will. We have to dig a
pit for a pig. Well, first you need to kill
(47:36):
the pig. God, oh my god, melick everyone alright, So
I want you to hold this gun and once we
get out of here, we're just gonna have to escape
because if I'm incorrect, tell me. But you were stuck
in Australia. You need it out that what happened, and
we did it through marriage. I'm lost. I didn't get
(47:57):
enough time with Mike. I'm sorry. Did did y'all get
brief before you went on? A minute? Chopper was loud,
the choppers coming in. We gotta go, we gotta go,
come on out. All right, let's let's drop the elephant.
What going on? What the god? And laid it on
(48:17):
the glass room before shards of elephant hair. God, Oh
my fucking god, Oh my god, and cut. That's a
wrap everyone. I think we've got it. I think we've
got it. What do you mean we don't have it
until I focus group it. Okay, yes, so let me
go take it to the elephant's former owners and see
(48:39):
what they think. Okay, great, Oh my god, what did
you do to our elephant? No? What we load you
that elephant for a week of shooting. Oh she was
so so sweet? Why did you do this? Billy Crystal movie?
Double drop? He's not involved at all, Billy Griss, it's
(49:00):
not Billy Crystal. Why don't we let these howlings come
to our island? No? No, no, you sick? You sick? Sick? Sick?
Are you somewhat likely? Likely? Zero? Zero zero? And just
doing my job? Okay? Yeah, and you just killed our
(49:20):
job alright. And our family member she was a family member.
Part well, you know, if you gave it better reviews,
we wouldn't cut the elephant out. But I don't think
that her death was a vain so you know that's
would give it better reviews for you. If it's the
focus group, well, obviously they're gonna reshoot. We're gonna kill
another elephant or some other animals. So that's on you. Guys.
All right, you could have recommended it, but you didn't
(49:42):
take this data back and whatever happens happens. Okay, that's
on you. That's on you. Shame on Fox for green
lighting this and that's our show. Oh boy, let's thank
gr alchemists. See what they're up to. Chris Oliver, You're
welcome at Chriss Olparado. Uh. And I don't take back
(50:06):
my resolution. I still think it's we don't want you to.
I support chrismas resolution. Let's all just say we love
you and we'll support you. Christ I don't believe you,
and that's the problem. Yeah, that's your work to do.
(50:28):
Um Dynasty typewriter dot com at Dynasty tap writer on Instagram.
I don't take back my resolution either, Greg Kakowski, it's
gonna be a big twenty twenty everyone. We're gonna reelect
Donald Trump. We're gonna mega and at Kikowski on Twitter.
(50:49):
James C. I just want to say, Lambo Rodriguez has
it right. He says that this show is not for everyone.
Five star reviews everyone. In the case that you might
not enjoy good things, you could listen to the static
noise between channels on radio station. Give it a try.
Uh yeah, so that's uh, that was basically what Lambeau
Rodriguez said, and I I think that's a great review. Nice.
(51:15):
Joey Greer Bear Sply every second and fourth Wednesday, nine
o'clock Westie Comedy Theater. Pretty Pretty Pony every first Thursday
at ten o'clock at west Common Theater. And check out
good Night if you haven't yet sketch album I did
listen to. It's on Spotify so sweet. You can find
me at Stratton Cool or at Cold Stratton A very
social things. Pretty Pretty Pony, as Joey mentioned. Also, come
(51:38):
see Alchemy This Live SF Sketch Fest. Go to s
S sketch Fest dot com from ore Info. It's on
January Saturday, January at one pm at the Punchline. Come
see us. It's gonna be a lot of fun. That's
it for today. Let's thank our engineer and producer Doug Baby,
our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, and lastly, I
(52:01):
heart media ship. I encourage I'll of you to write
a review, tell everyone you've ever met and write to
us at your name here at alchemy This dot com.
That's your name here, at Alchemy, this dot com until
next time.
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This Cold Stratton
here filling in for Kevin Pollock, who's directing a new
Garden Herb cooking competition the marvelous Mrs Basil. That will
be a lot of this. That's would be a lot
of it. It's it's New Year's Eve, so instead of
the usual garbage of weird questions that came up with,
(00:24):
I'd rather introduce the aucumists that go around and find
out what your new Year's resolutions are, and then a
year from now we can check in and see what happened.
So first up, Chris Alvarado, Hey, let's see. Well, I've
had a lot of time to think about this because
today's New Year's Eve, so tomorrow I should I should
be working on it. Um. I think it's going to
(00:45):
be a general umbrella type resolution with a lot of
little things underneath it. And I think the goal is
just to love myself more, because it turns out I'm
going to therapy and I have a lot of self
loathing and self I didn't know that though, I was
surprised to find that out and therapists here today. Wow,
So there you go, love myself a little bit more.
(01:06):
Vanessa Raglan let me fuck boys, not men, not man.
Go back down, make money boys. I think you have
your new T shirt design Hunter. Yes, that's the DYNA.
(01:27):
I don't like my That's not a resolution, that's a war. Craig,
are you gonna make money boys? I want to fun
boys to men. I've only got two of the four,
so I'm going to complete the quartet um. I also
want to to see Chris's therapist and get some bird
(01:51):
on Chris. That's Craig Atkowsky. By the way, I didn't
give his last name, could have been Craig Anton or something.
I I think that's another thing for I'm just gonna
go by Craig as I think you know those one
name celebrities seem to do better biz James Haney uh
for this year coming up, I'd like next year. This.
(02:13):
This is my New Year's resolution starting tomorrow is going
to be to use more natural ingredients in your hands, browns,
just as many in as many things as possible. What
are the unnatural? What are you using? Well, you know
sometimes I'll break up some styrofoam to have fake snow
on the floor. You know those are ingredients, like do
(02:38):
I and I'm not saying I'm giving up hash browns.
But do I need to buy frozen premium hash browns?
Or could I just cut up a potato? Honey, you
are going to rue the day. I haven't made that
commitment yet. Have you decided to make hash browns from Scotch?
I wish I could take. I wish I could take.
How do you get them packed together? You're report. I
(03:02):
don't think they're going to be nearly You've grown a
customer too, sweet friends, No, it's way more expensive to
maybe Joey Greer. My new year's resolution is to finally
get the surgery to look exactly like James Keeney. I'm
going to be a one for one copy allowed to
(03:24):
do that. The christam a lot. I'm American. I can
do whatever the hell I want. Yeah, but that's my likeness. Yeah,
but only in real life. Have you copyrighted it? No?
But there you go. And I've already patented a lot
of the things he does. I didn't know you could. Yeah,
Well there you go. So this has been fun guys, Yeah,
I think the podcast is over. This is what are
you doing? I'm gonna make boys and fun money. Nobody nobody,
(03:52):
and honestly, growth, I think I'm gonna work on saying
no more because I tend to say yes to everything
and a lot of things I don't want to do.
Then I'm like, why do I say yes to that?
And then I work myself crazy? Are you telling us
this is what I will always say? Yes? Um? All right, well,
(04:12):
we'd like to invite you all to become v i
P members on our new Patreon page. This bonus episode
is not available to non members as a phone number
just for v i p s, where you can leave
a message, be at a question and request whatever you want.
We'll reply at our new regular video Q and A
with the Alchemist at Kevin's Place, which are only available
to v i p s Because all kinds of cool ship,
So please join our super core fans by going to
Patreon dot com slash alchemy This. All of today's scene
(04:36):
suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here for our first scene, Hi, Alchemists, it's Jason again,
the teacher from Australia who offered up the scene suggestion
child teacher versus adult students. I was excited to see
(04:59):
how you could interprop really mangle an innocent scene in
which you didn't disappoint. Well done. You all get a
gold star since you all can't help yourself to make
scenes inappropriate, Let's face it, I have another scene suggestion
to share here. It is a university professor is delivering
a lecture. Every time he goes to show the class
of video clip about the topic he's teaching, he accidentally
(05:21):
plays porn. However, instead of admitting he made a mistake,
he always attempts to explain why he showed them porn
on purpose and how it relates to what they're learning.
You're all amazing, Thanks for the laughs. I look forward
to many more years of alchemy. Jason Taylor a k
mr t PS. It is super exciting to hear Kevin
Pollock reads something I wrote. Although if it happens to
be Cold Stratton, that's cool too. I guess I'll google him.
(05:46):
After the episode, Kevin wrote that, Hey, I'm just trying
to pay attention. Please, I need the notes. I'm trying
to pay attention. Do you guys keep it down? Yes,
I'm trying to learn about the Renaissance. We all are.
I'm asking for notes that we want some notes on
the Renaissance. You're gonna you're gonna have to Renaissance. Okay,
(06:09):
question ye can we start there? Maybe the professor is
going to cover that. Okay, he's wearing a tie today,
A great. Please stop talking to me, Please stop. Don't
even trying to tell what we're friends are. Yes, I
was trailing off Renaissance. That's what we're all gonna talk
(06:32):
about today. Raise your hands if you know what the
Renaissance is you? Yeah, what's the Renaissance period in time? Yeah?
Guys getting high fives? No, alright, so that was pretty good,
but it just kind of brings a box together. Okay,
hold on hold, I'm still praising another students generally correct answer.
(06:54):
Could you specify more what the Renaissance is? Yes, High
Professor Press Scott, thank you. I've been waiting three semesters
to take your class. It's hard to get into this class, really,
I know, I know what it's really excited to be here.
Renaissance is French for rebirth. Um, that sounds wrong. So
I did not learn French. I did not learn French.
(07:17):
But it sounds it sounds authentic. The good news for
you guys today is I have brought in from the
Renaissance VHS from the Renaissance. This no, no, this VHS
tape is going to teach you guys a lot about
the most important parts of the Renaissce movie. And it's
got a fantastic, fantastic host. You're gonna love it. Let's
(07:41):
just pop this in. And what she's showing a video
on the first day. You know, I'm a great professor. Okay, stop.
The Renaissance is the time when the world was looking
to do something. Okay, I gotta stop this. This is
the wrong tape. Right questions okay, question, question, This is
(08:04):
actually not an appropriate time. Question question, question question, okay,
yes you question. Is there any way I can to
barrow that video? Real quick? Huh, this is the incorrect video.
It's not gonna happens fine kind of video real quick? Please?
Please you you I saw something bad? Um? What did
you see? I don't want to say. You can whisper.
(08:31):
I don't want to I don't know if it's it
sounds like it's pretty bad. And I'm the teacher. So
who somebody's gonna be the word question. It looks like
on that VHS that you taped over something else. Well,
sometimes what happens is I'll have the video of one
thing and I don't know what the problem is, maybe
the audio cables in the back around, but it'll get
(08:52):
the audio because there were clearly was a voice over
about the Renaissance, but then the images were hardcore pornography. Yes,
I'm sure. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I let
my car got told and I just why are there
so many boners? What? Listen? Sit down in a seat. Uh, sorry,
you're late for classes. I don't know if you know,
but Professor Prescott does not does not accept you done
(09:14):
yourself in the third person? You pervert. Well I'm the pervert,
Professor Prescott. I'm sure there's a logical explanation. I said,
what we just saw. Surely you can justify that, justify
what we just saw. Yeah, how it actually was something
you meant to show us? Well, it was something I
meant to show you. Um, but the tape didn't have
(09:35):
the Wait wait what did I mean? What did I
play it again? Well? You know what you guys, you guys,
I just got this VHS from class. You got what
you got? Two vs? Just take you? Is it working?
A blue right? My heart? Are you got to check
(09:59):
this fist? Hold on? Hold on him? Great, tim, Actually
I think we should listen to him. I haven't seen
his take this hard in a very long time. You're
telling me this is from class him sus takes. Will
it work? And blue right? Jam it in? It's working.
(10:24):
There is the time. Stop stop stopping ship out? Man,
Oh my god, it's so hot and information by touch
a sharp part. Ship dude, this is good stuff. Where'd
you get it? This is the pure pier from Professor
Professor Prescott. Hey, should all join that class? Takes three
(10:46):
semesters to get it? Doesn't wait? Jump in a month
old didn't do anything to my dick. Maybe I need
to do some soul searching. Yeah, that makes sense. It's fine.
Whatever you're into is fine. Whatever you're into fine. Maybe
they'll show some other videos and you know, maybe something
will flow. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're a pen sexual.
(11:06):
What time period are you into? I really like the
Dark Ages and the Age of Enlightenment, Like are two
things I'm super into. Well, I mean, that's kind of
like the Age of enlightenment like restaurance. It's nearby, but
it's like so close, uh, Professor Prescott, question question, question down.
I know that last week class didn't go the way
that you wanted it to. Not missing one of my
(11:29):
favorite tapes. Oh really that tape from last week? Yeah,
that student took it and never came back. That's one
of your favorite tips. Well, Professor Prescott, Yes, this is
the class. This is my class. Yeah, yeah, I can
smell the come over there and some people over there.
All right, okay, is there a life sex show going
(11:51):
on here this class? Listen, You've got to calm down.
You were in college, notre Do you think that high
school is the end of education? You're never said that.
The woman in the video looked sad. She's making happy noises,
but I saw her eyes and she looked really sad.
(12:11):
That's what we call in the renaissance, sad eyes. Guys.
Check it out. I look for its back. There's another
video in here. It ren assance too, ren ass sauce.
Do you have a blue ray? I got a game boy? Okay, cool,
let's put it in there. We gotta take tutres out first,
(12:31):
Professor Prescott. I'm sorry, I didn't expect anybody to stay
after class. Um, well, I was pretending to be a student.
I'm actually you're much too whoa you? Anybody can go
to college, that's the I'm the dean. Oh my god,
oh my. I was wearing this Nike baseball cap backwards
so you would recognize me. Look, I don't mind the
(12:55):
tapes you're playing. Frankly, what I not? What what do you?
What do you mean? You don't mind the sex tapes,
the Renaissance tapes ran ass aunts to ring a bell?
Yeah that's the sequel. Yeah, okay. What I do mind
is how you can't seem to get your class under control.
(13:17):
If you're going to teach this class. I need you
to teach this class. I don't care if there's boobs.
I don't care if there's sad eyes. But you need
to be in control, you understand. I don't think so.
Actually I don't have a boner. Could okay? Well another drink, professor, Yeah,
another drink. I don't know. I feel like I might
(13:39):
just quit. Yeah, that's an option, you know, there's always
that option. It's just that nobody cares about education anymore.
I'm trying to honey, I love education. I'm a professor.
I'm a professor to what because you've never seen are
(14:00):
your professor? What I teach math? I teach rem assence.
All right, I'm putting you guys off from another way
to get me. Guess what I do you get? I
(14:25):
said how economics is stupid? Missa bitch? Sorry you said math.
So I hadn't I thought that I was in the
game to say something really bad. You wouldn't look over there.
Those are the professors. The professors. Wow, yeah, that's the
(14:45):
one who brings his sex tapes in. And that lady
over there, she teaches astrophysics. But dude, she has a
saying like everybody knows it. Do you know what you're saying?
Tell me trow film my tip? Oh that's you know
what that's always interested me. If I was in the science,
(15:08):
why did you do these little fingers are a pair
of legs and they walking Look here in their own
good professor, as if we went to this tranquilizer bar,
you know the spots. By the way, her saying is
make money fun boys, which is like, look, you and
(15:29):
I are men. Now I've been sitting here for what
she hasn't said that once. Well, watch this, so you
got a little drule sicle coming down. Sorry, let me
wipe that offensive the tranquilizers. I don't usually do these.
Oh I do, yeah, work, it makes my brain go crazy.
(15:52):
I relax sometimes. You know what I've always been confused
about with astrophysics? You tell me about the black hole?
O contray? You try? Okay? Do you know what als
been confused better than okay? A really easily? It means
(16:18):
rebirth the French. Wow, guys, just the finals. I can't
get those notes? Look, no, okay, you get after class?
All right? Please please let me focus. Can you guys
keep it down? You're obviously cheating or no, I'm asking
for talking, do you guys? I realized what the professor
has been doing this whole time, whispered to us. Okay,
(16:39):
the feature has been using pornography to try to show
us how sensational the actual You have a problem with
information then, like you have a problem like hearing things,
and like you just need to say it's slower, you know,
like you thank you, like you just can't. Why don't
you take what do you hear what I'm saying? Nudity
then was shocking, right? The human body was shocking. He's
shocking us now he's been teaching us brilliant. He's so brilliant.
(17:03):
And her eyes were sad because that's how paintings are.
So you justified all this. I'm glad someone did. I
didn't get a thing she said, though, Did you take
notes on that? I take notes on what she said talking? Well,
here he comes a whoa? Everybody okay in here, Professor Prescott,
Why are you nude? Oh? Ship ship I'll be right back. No,
(17:26):
just kidding. It was part of the class. Let's show
some solidarity. Let's standards. This is going to be surprised.
Stand on our dick, Yeah, you're standing on mine? Who stick?
(17:47):
Do I stand? You choose? Seeing right here? This is amazing.
I all I wanted to do is show you how
shocking the renaissance was, and I am shocked. Let me
just show you the brain. Everybody in class gets me
(18:09):
when I fuck boy who it's perfect. They made money
and they fucked boys. The end was that Morgan Freeman,
Get busy, Dicken, get busy diving seen number two Gratings.
(18:36):
Alchemists love the show. You're all hilarious, especially Vanessa and
her gruff. Llillary characters new phone. I love her because
I think I know her from somewhere. I worked the
night shift in a nursing home. That's rewarding work, but
sometimes feels like I'm taking care of sixty Marvin mcughs.
And while back, one of our while back, one of
our residents, who was an actor with a few bit
(18:58):
parts and TV shows in the seventies, hasted away. He
had no family, and when we were packing his belonging
as we found a box with hundreds of unsigned black
and white head shots ready for autographs that will never
be given. Kind of sad, but it gives me a
great idea for a seat Hollywood nursing home with third
rate celebrities. Thanks for keeping me awake through the long nights, Sincerely, Gustavo.
(19:23):
Lights out, Lights down, twenty minutes. Do you mean do
you mean that went on shooting today? Are we done shooting?
Is that a rap for the day? That's what I
was looking for? Twenty minutes to lights Oh, yes, thank you,
welcome Hey Steve, Yeah, we talked to you, man um.
(19:46):
I was thinking, what if we stopped pushing against these
guys switch blade? Excuse me, excuse me? Were crafty. The
cafters closed right now, gladys my linning going to need
something before we wrap for the day. I can bring
you some yogurt if you'd like. My trailer never showed up,
never showed up. Fix that in the morning. Showed up.
(20:10):
We'll fix that in the morning. You get on my
breast in the I'm so sorry, I'm well, I wander
over here. All right, I'm saying, you're so sorry, so
I'll put the knife away. You. You're so good at
dealing with him, like you really are good. You know,
I I them, I pushed them around. Yeah, you're violent.
(20:33):
But here's here's what I'm thinking. What if what if
we did make a movie? What are you talking about?
You know? What if we are you talking about using
this old talent right here? Yeah? I didn't get a
call sheet for tomorrow. There you'll be woken up at
six am with a call sheet. Six am, wake up,
six am, wake up, and then we'll come having had yeah,
(20:55):
come having had yeah, and then we'll get you at six.
We'll get you at six. Okay, why don't we sounds
going to shoot up my alarm? What are you talking
about that? They don't know? What the hell the doing
anymore they do question. I'm sorry interrupted, I know, especially
the directory a bit psificity, but will heron make a
big providing hair to come to my attention? I do
(21:16):
not he pulling your hair on? Hair out? Okay, glad
to stop stop pulling your hair out, makeup. We will
get you hair. I'm sorry. I'm not sure which pages
were using, the Golden Rod ones or the Salmon ones.
I don't know where we are on the draft either
Napkin either Napkin Sern. Okay, what do you think? I think? Actually,
(21:38):
you know this is a good idea. We can make
a ship on the money. I'm sticking tired of being
work in a nursing home. You know you say this
every night? Well because I'm a five fucking hand dude.
I wish I was taking care of younger people, but
it's just so old. Look, Elliott, do want to run lines? Sure?
Go ahead? Okay, all right, Hi, how are you hi?
(22:00):
How are you hi? How are you hill? I'm sorry
you guys have the golden pageson? Ok strange? All right, Hi?
Thanks for having us ahead of Fox. Please sit down.
I don't get a lot of time, so uh okay,
(22:22):
and I'm going to start this time or on my desk,
uh and go pitch, pitch its two hour clock you
have going there, You've got two hours starting now, all right,
we'll prove it. Start talking. We have a we have
a actor's home and wow, that that we think would
be fantastic to film a feature. He's using them. Yeah, yeah,
(22:45):
and that's it. We just need money, equipment, crew, crew.
You're telling me that you've got actors in at home
and all you need is money, equipment of crew, and
that's it. Yeah, we think we can do this. We've
laid out our budget here. We need uty million dollars.
Two thirty million dollars. Happy to adjust, we can do more, alright, No,
(23:09):
two million dollars. But it's gonna mean you have a
tight time budget. I need something time budget, tight time budget. Okay,
we're going to give you a loose budget for money.
We're gonna need a tight time budget. What are you
doing in my office? Sorry? Sorry, I was just straightening
this out and now everything on your desk is cleaned.
Go ahead? Is this I just I didn't mean it.
(23:33):
I must have bunched it with my on What the
fun is going on? I'm sorry? We were here to
mean with the head of Fox, the head of fix this.
This woman was still a man. No, he didn't even
tell us a name. We said the head of who
it is? He started the timer. Yeah, You've been sadly
misled by a pervert. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
(23:55):
I got busted. Get back to video village. I'll be back.
So you're going to keep as a high Listen. This
city is built on bricks of sin and I can't
change that in a day. How can I help you? Boys? Well,
we were just discussing with down, but we have a movie.
We have actor is no one Donna Ship You never
met Donna. I never want to hear his name again.
(24:16):
Starting the time and now go another two hours. Um
we we uh, we have we have at home with
actors and we want to film a feature with them.
We need we just need a budgets. The hook is
um um, the hook is U there. So they were
third rate actors. We know that they were yes one
(24:37):
to three and this is their comeback story exactly right
right before they die. Have you seen have you seen
us the penguins? Uh? Yeah, yeah, what what's the one?
The one millions? But it's gonna be a tight time budget.
What is the tight time? What million? Come back? And
we were actually convers though the story is basically our
(25:04):
story of us, Henry, Henry. Listen to me, Henry, look
at me. You run at that wall and you break
through the wall. Okay, all right, that's what you're doing now.
I had a night with Jeane Kelly. Sit down, all right.
Can we make sure she's not singing? It's bleeding through
her through the wall. Oh my god, can you let
(25:27):
us out of here? Please? Side effects man include drowsiness, dizziness,
and stop reading the bottle. I'm going I'm reading my life.
Please stop reading the Excuse me. I'm here to see
my my father. Who is this guy? Does he is Jerry?
I'm just my dad lives here, so I'm it's a closer.
(25:49):
It's a fox that you can't I didn't know anything
about this being a second on the ground. Who are
you let my name is? My name is Fred? I said?
He right, you're pity my back. We'll find it with defeat.
Grab your jacket, alright, pull it out, okay, sandals, alright, actors.
As your director, I want to have one quick conversation
(26:11):
before we continue alright, actor, what are you doing in there?
I'm just gonna have a quick conversation with him. What
the hell is this? It was a whole meeting and
I'm not invited. No, you're of course you're invited. I
just stumbled onto it. What's going on here? Is this
a three picture to you? Gladys? What's going on? There's
we're taking a new direction? Oh wow, Wow, you're still involved.
(26:31):
You're boxing me out. There's no, you're still involved. You're
trying to kill me. What this is this? Well, that's
kind of I need to bind my breast to play younger, Gladys. Jerry,
am I possibly recurring? Well, the short answer that is no,
because here's what we're asking, glad it's not buying them
like straight up, she's binding them straight out. She's clean
(26:54):
to sixteen. Now I have new pages for your knowledge.
The last page, as you'll see, has all of you
taking all of your pills at once. What is this
you telling about suicide? I'm giving them an opportunity to
live forever. Oh no, are we making another snuff film?
(27:16):
You made a snuff film with him? That was happening
my phone. That was happening my phone weekend. I leave
a weekend, I leave you make a snuff film. That's
how Jerry went. His son's in the lobby. I don't
know what to say to Jerry's dead time day twinkles
(27:39):
for that. Tell me what you think you're going in
this goddamn studio, my dad. It's the holiday season. I
just figured it was a good time to come on
in and bring there's long time silvers in the back
over there. We're just gonna have dinner. Oh that cold
bag there's was it cold when I arrived? Yeah? People
(27:59):
can make me sick, all right, people like he sick? Right, bro,
chuck it out. I got this VHS. Apparently they shot
it here last week. Oh yeah, are you gonna like this?
A little treat for you, a little reprieve. I'm sorry, Jerry.
I didn't mean to do this. You gotta you gotta
take all of them, stop talking to take out. The
(28:21):
side effects may include vertigo, cancer and lab mice. Holy ship,
this is really yep. She's in the shot. The booms
in the shot as well. Everything. I don't feel nothing.
I don't know what you guys. You were putting pills
in my dad's mouth. I didn't do that. That was
(28:43):
another guy, you know that. I want to I want
to talk to the cops. I'm calling the cops. What
I'm a cop? Okay, I just saw a video. They
were forcually a security guard. But we have a lot
in common. I learned a lot of the same stuff.
So I think you'll find me f FBI. Your FBI.
I mean, I'm a security officer here, but you know
(29:05):
he's FBI. I'm just screezed. I gotta leave. I have
to go to the real authorities. I'm not getting you
out of you already saw it happened on this so
we're not gonna have you sell it over to paramount.
And I got heart of the FBI on this one. Please.
My father was a good man and I a decent
person to just left me your father cold long John
Silva when I got here, Who is your dad? Jerry?
(29:28):
The guy that had the pills throw down his throat?
Oh I didn't Why would you show me that? We
didn't know? Why? What were the oppost that was the movie?
I can't tell to you. Yeah, we used his body
as like just like a throw pillow for the other scenes.
Oh that, I mean, we desecreated that corpse. It was not.
(29:52):
I don't think that's going to come down on me, right,
I'm telling you. I'm just telling you. So the Jerry's
tape didn't test well with the target audience. Yeah, his
son gave it a really low review. Okay, okay, So
you want me to see, Hey, what's going on in here?
What's up? What's going on? To send me a quick conversation.
What's going on? You going over atlytics without me? This
(30:15):
is the studio? What's what's my motivation in this scene? Well,
it depends are we going to keep going the way?
This is what I don't know. I mean, it tested
poorly and that was a pill ending, So maybe we
need to rethink how this other one ends. Any thoughts,
It's just a Jerry video. Yeah, people didn't like it,
did not test well. They didn't laugh. Now if you need,
if you need to kill me, I'm up for it. Okay.
(30:37):
But yeah, that's this is good. This is good. Okay.
I think pills are the expected way for these guys.
I think we need to do some little out of
left dogs dogs we just unleash, won't I won't work
with dogs, never work with children around animals. W c
fields well before we get to the death scene. Unfortunately,
we have to get to the gladdys love making scene.
(31:00):
We have to, we have to she binded her boobs
and everything. Who cares? Who cares, that's her choice. Don't
need to do. She kept pressing us for the scenes
that I am just a stunt cock for you. No, no, no, no, no, no,
not at all. Are you making the love No? You are? You?
I am you are? But that's gonna be so sick
and no one to go ahead, get it shot and
(31:21):
then I'll test it with her children. Okay, that sounds great,
all right, you two. You know the setting. You do
like me to do a little baby girl voice? Uh?
What the funk was that? What the fuck was that?
You told us you had news about our mother? Is
this so okay? Really quick? We paid fifty dollars a
(31:44):
year for this? Three? How likely are you to recommend
this film? You know? Zero? Zero zero, I'm not going
to recommend anyone. I want to make sure you understand.
Can't see those images. Zero is not like at all likely.
(32:05):
One is somewhat like is perhaps, three is likely is
probably so so zero so um it did not resonate
in the way that we helped it would what's going on?
Just having me? I told you to kill me and
(32:27):
you didn't do it without the coffees. I have correct
the code run binding breasts. Okay, I was doing it wrong.
It's come to my attention. You don't get them as
a stock. You go around the robin, not individually at
(32:48):
the stock. Yeah, they did say my mom's breast look mangled.
That was a comment, okay, that they had them filled
things out. I mean they did give feedback, it just
was not positive. So what are we missing here? What
is the student of want? I think they want dogs
running through the finished I thought attacking the elderly. I
doesn't want to work with dogs. Can't you add them
(33:09):
with c G I you've got a hundred million dollar budget,
not anymore. I just find out about the budget. I
I overhear things, you know, I read the trades. Gardless,
you have to shoot it today. We are on a
tight time budget. Why didn't you tell us hold on,
(33:30):
we haven't started. You can't just cap dance, take your
clothes trying to get it up here? All right, we're
not doing another sex thing. We're not doing another dogs.
Welcome to your ren assance. So we have some reships.
We'd like you guys to take a look at I
think your mom is much better than this. No, what
(33:53):
are you talking about? Just take a look. It's I
think it's pretty good. Plus there's some unexpected animal work here.
It is I have a mad little penis to whooped quick?
What is my mom? Same? Oh my god? Those doctor
(34:16):
just killing everybody? What the fun is this? So um?
It actually got slightly better marks. I was just on
the phone with everyone of the two pizza. What is this? Oh,
we're just kill me, Please kill me. This body is desecrated.
I'm still alive. I thought we were using It was
like a throw pillow with the other body. Look, look,
(34:37):
I don't know why you're having a meeting without me. Okay,
very disrespectful, and you just gotta wait. Okay, we're gonna
use you soon. Okay, I'm number one on the coach.
You are? You are? Can we check on Gladys she passed?
Man can check on the state of her body when
he reshoots. You're gonna you're gonna pump at her. Yeah,
we're gonna have to tie strings to her wrists and
(35:00):
make her do that scene again and that's when Weekend
at Bernese three became the hottest settling film of all time,
staring Gladys. Unfortunately she didn't survive the film, but we
all knew that, didn't we She's a star at the
end of it. That's the most important things wanted. Scene
(35:24):
three our final scene today. Hey guys, I've been listening
since the beginning and I've loved every second of it.
Thanks for bringing more laughter into the world. I'm from
Kentucky and I've recently gotten married in Hawaii to an
Australian man whom I met online, and now we're living
in rural Victoria, Australia. I love to hear any aspect
of that from your magical minds. The k Y meets
(35:45):
Australian online, the marriage in Hawaii, the Kentucky and living
in rural Australia. I know you'll have fun with it.
Thanks for the last Shelby. It'll be um sixteen two,
It'll be sixteen Daddy Day can't help, but I can't help.
But notice you sound like a sophisticated guy. Here's your
(36:08):
seventeen dollars and you can keep the change. Um, But
my my my wife and I have a daughter that
we just can't. He's a line. What's that? There's a
line behind you? Tell him about her? Well, my daughter really,
it's just been hard for her in the dating to you.
Here's her picture. She's a beautiful girl. She won four pageants,
(36:30):
she's got all her teeth, her shots, her up to date,
and she's looking to Mary and after my reach. Hey,
I just need to sell. I need to make this
deal right now. We've got a sophisticated man here. You're
looking at give me a daughter? Is he right? Well,
I'll not give it to not it behind you, just
(36:56):
move out of the way. I don't know what you're offering.
Movie alright you never mind? Never here, it got weird.
I'm gonna slipper picture over here with her number on
the back. Basically, it's a visa situation. We've got ourselves
in a pickle. Daddy and I can't help. We gotta
get out of here. Maybe there's something you can do
by bye. Alright, it'll be um, mommy, daddy and he
(37:26):
take us. I want to get out there and make money.
Fun boys, So what do you guy for me? Is
it going well? We met this well? Guy, very well, guy,
Rubop at Rubop, that restaurant, Rubop. That's readion all. You know.
We were at Rubop getting here. Oh no no, whenever
(37:52):
the door doalks, I'm so sed. I'll get it. I'll
get it, I'll get it. Hello, Australian slide department, No
money test in heaven, Australian season sheep, you'll be short
made shetally. I'm gonna have to be married, he Mary
Newnausy almost um soon, I think, thank you, I'm gonna
(38:17):
get out of here. You're a sign um yea almost trying.
Then I am Australian night, I'm not Kentuckian marl. Let
me see some more day right then, let me pull
(38:39):
it out to me purse. Oh god, Cockney. And that
is the wonderful story of how these two lovers met.
We are now gathered here in Hawaii. Hello. That was
one confusing story. Was confusing. I don't understand. You know,
she married the guy that killed her parents. That's insane.
(39:02):
I'm trying to watch the wedding. I understand. We're trying
to get everything strange matter to fucking wedding. It doesn't
matter because I'm just trying to connect everything that was happening.
Mptions if you flipped an invite under my hotel door,
they have a pa. And we end this ceremony with
howaii insane of Merry Christmas, which is malakaliki Marca, Merry Christmas, everybody,
(39:30):
every joint in Christmas. This is the couple's first dance.
All right, can I get you a cocktail? Cocktail for
the fret of the wedding? Yeah, I would love a cocktail?
Oh the bride? Yeah, hello, we have a special cocktail
for you, just for you. I wonder if it sounded nefarious,
(39:53):
it's not. It's so we we You requested just a
rum cocktail, so I have your rum cocktail. Than gi.
This is a delicious is my tie? It's delicious? This
is this has been such a wonderful agulation to the bride.
Thank you, thank you so much. I'm sorry about your father.
I know me and your mom. I guess did past Yeah,
(40:16):
well you know it was sad, but you know you
can't help you. You You love and I am in love
with my guy. Why did your get so big and
scared when you said that? Because I'm super in love.
Oh you're breaking the glass. Hey, everybody, the groom is
gonna make a speech. The groom is going to make
a speech, So let's to write our attention to the groom.
(40:37):
They separated us, they told us to go out, and
then that those that come back as the grooms. Why
don't they just give the speeches in order? And yeah,
quick side note, m our groom obviously has an accent.
Uh it's a really really good accent. So if you
can't understand it for some reason, that notes will be
passed out to each table so you can follow along.
(40:59):
All right, you know, so he humped a pre written
speech and lady and gentlemen the groom alright, alright, everybody,
And I was trying to avoid to speak in the wedding.
Not my idea of the good time. So I just
want to talk about how I met my sweet, sweet
(41:21):
baby love. And I don't think that because they had
the newspaper article with his picture, that's not him. He
looked like that guy. So what happens is in my contray.
But they don't have agent Thompson needs you to pose
as the as the groom. Okay, what do you mean,
(41:43):
isn't the real groom there? We're we're good at what
you need to go we'll detain him. Somebody's gonna do makeup.
I need to go in. You need you to find
out exactly what happened with that. It was never solved,
so you know, get the bride to say something to
the makeup chair. We're gonna make you look very Australia, right, okay,
so you look right now, you look totally American. I
(42:05):
haven't changed in a while. Um, so you look like
an Australian. Um. Have you worked with a dialect coach?
Could you help me out? Please? All right? Let me
die coach and will help you out? All right? Please?
Are you a tranquilizers? I had a tranquilizer. I'm not
on tranquilizer. Well, actually, we're gonna ask you to be
on more tranquilardge. It's gonna help you get into the group. Okay.
I usually do that when I have any situations sniping,
(42:28):
you know, stuff like that. Yeah, all right, do me
a favor, right, goad this? Say this? Oh all right now,
say well I want that banana? All right, I don't
know what you made it sound different than I did.
All right, excuse me, agent, We need you back in
the makeup trailer. They made you up like an Aboriginal Australia.
That was just a terrible mistake on our part. Welcome back. Sorry,
(42:49):
that was my bad little time. So I didn't know
which part of Australia they were, Okay, I didn't know.
It's a little can you help me with my accent?
All right? So say this for me to say this
to me, my hands clap, My hands clap, now say
it like me, my hands clap. Are you doing it?
You don't sound Australia. I don't need to, Okay, my
hands clap, all right, say this. I'm in Australia right now.
(43:12):
I mean Australia right now. To say this alright? The
hell God is a little loud, but just listen up.
Operation groom is a go. Operation groom is apation. What's
the one group? Operation groom not room? No, no, no.
That was the weirdest fucking speech from the chroom. And
(43:35):
I cannot be the only one freaking out, but I'm
freaking out. I'm freaking out as well. I shouldn't come down.
I thought the hotel was putting on a thing. I mean, like,
what else is What's what's happening? What's actually happening? Honestly,
I have no idea and I'm freaked out of my ask.
You know what, it reminds me of Operation Dumbo. Drop
the movie with Billy Crystal. Love that movie. I love
that movie. Eyes A speech from the bride again. Hey y'all,
(44:04):
second time's charm um been magical. Um, I just have
loved having y'all here, and I'm just so excited to
be scared. I'm super happy. I'm super happy, I'm super
love and um I did. I'm so happy y'all here,
and I'm so happy all be going back to the States. Agent.
(44:26):
Now was the time. Now was the time. I already
gave a speech to the fantastical because she does seem
legitimately happy. I've never seen her so happy. I don't
know where I got this from the hotel they slipped.
I don't like I'm not. I was wondering if you
were from the Kentucky side of the Australian side. I'm
from the Kentucky said, don't know, but I don't think
(44:47):
I'm related to her. I'm just from Kentucky. I'm from Chicago.
I just came out here the wife from vacation and
now my sweet sweet husband, who I certainly who love.
We'll have to play the traditional song on the digit
redo to submit our union, or I'm just gonna put
us up to my mouth and I'm gonna is this
(45:09):
not the here we go? It looks like somebody soda
marsupial pouch under his stomach. Oh my god. Oh it's
a box job. It looks infecting the ship. I don't know.
I think he looks pretty. That's so fu up. Actually,
the mully due playing, and I'm gonna take my wife
with me and gonna call the marriage and then we'll
(45:31):
be say that he's gonna here out of here. I
don't know you have your attention. We are now going
to watch the briden room, get into the glassroom the
marriage before you. I got I gotta behind us. You
(45:52):
don't need to alright now that we're alone, I gotta
tell you the truth. I'm not who you think I am.
I know that you know I'm not your husband. It's
super obvious. I hope he took him somewhere and killed
the funk out of him. He's a monster. I don't
want to be with him right now. I know everybody
(46:12):
can see us having this conversation. He's got a gun
in them. Our supio pouts ship. We gotta do something.
Just thought there would be like apps being passed around.
This is gonna be a snuffing. He killed her folks.
He's stuff. It's it's it's like a it's like cocaine.
It's like not really, but it's like that. It's also
(46:33):
like a snuff is like a silence of killed. I'm
gonna kill you. It's not. Okay, everybody. We now need
all the guests to line up in three lines. We
need the Kentucky side to watch the glass room consummation
from this side. What if you're from Kentucky but you're not.
You don't you don't got no ties. Well, let me
just finish the three options here Kentucky's line over here,
(46:53):
Australian saide over here, and members and guests of the
hotel right here. But I am from Kentucky. Man, you
can stay, you can stand in between both. Okay, that
makes four lines. This thing is a ship show. When
does the pig ROAs start? Um? As soon as um
the red cloth is past. You haven't started the pig roast?
Does it take hours? I want you talking about you
(47:14):
haven't started the pig roast. Well, if we have any volunteers,
you want to dig a pit and I don't want
to take a pi' goddamn kiss here, sir, are you
on the Kentucky side Australian side for Chicago? You can
get behind me because I'm starting on the thing. Look,
I came to this. There's gonna be free food, free,
there will, yes, there will. We have to dig a
pit for a pig. Well, first you need to kill
(47:36):
the pig. God, oh my god, melick everyone alright, So
I want you to hold this gun and once we
get out of here, we're just gonna have to escape
because if I'm incorrect, tell me. But you were stuck
in Australia. You need it out that what happened, and
we did it through marriage. I'm lost. I didn't get
(47:57):
enough time with Mike. I'm sorry. Did did y'all get
brief before you went on? A minute? Chopper was loud,
the choppers coming in. We gotta go, we gotta go,
come on out. All right, let's let's drop the elephant.
What going on? What the god? And laid it on
(48:17):
the glass room before shards of elephant hair. God, Oh
my fucking god, Oh my god, and cut. That's a
wrap everyone. I think we've got it. I think we've
got it. What do you mean we don't have it
until I focus group it. Okay, yes, so let me
go take it to the elephant's former owners and see
(48:39):
what they think. Okay, great, Oh my god, what did
you do to our elephant? No? What we load you
that elephant for a week of shooting. Oh she was
so so sweet? Why did you do this? Billy Crystal movie?
Double drop? He's not involved at all, Billy Griss, it's
(49:00):
not Billy Crystal. Why don't we let these howlings come
to our island? No? No, no, you sick? You sick? Sick? Sick?
Are you somewhat likely? Likely? Zero? Zero zero? And just
doing my job? Okay? Yeah, and you just killed our
(49:20):
job alright. And our family member she was a family member.
Part well, you know, if you gave it better reviews,
we wouldn't cut the elephant out. But I don't think
that her death was a vain so you know that's
would give it better reviews for you. If it's the
focus group, well, obviously they're gonna reshoot. We're gonna kill
another elephant or some other animals. So that's on you. Guys.
All right, you could have recommended it, but you didn't
(49:42):
take this data back and whatever happens happens. Okay, that's
on you. That's on you. Shame on Fox for green
lighting this and that's our show. Oh boy, let's thank
gr alchemists. See what they're up to. Chris Oliver, You're
welcome at Chriss Olparado. Uh. And I don't take back
(50:06):
my resolution. I still think it's we don't want you to.
I support chrismas resolution. Let's all just say we love
you and we'll support you. Christ I don't believe you,
and that's the problem. Yeah, that's your work to do.
(50:28):
Um Dynasty typewriter dot com at Dynasty tap writer on Instagram.
I don't take back my resolution either, Greg Kakowski, it's
gonna be a big twenty twenty everyone. We're gonna reelect
Donald Trump. We're gonna mega and at Kikowski on Twitter.
(50:49):
James C. I just want to say, Lambo Rodriguez has
it right. He says that this show is not for everyone.
Five star reviews everyone. In the case that you might
not enjoy good things, you could listen to the static
noise between channels on radio station. Give it a try.
Uh yeah, so that's uh, that was basically what Lambeau
Rodriguez said, and I I think that's a great review. Nice.
(51:15):
Joey Greer Bear Sply every second and fourth Wednesday, nine
o'clock Westie Comedy Theater. Pretty Pretty Pony every first Thursday
at ten o'clock at west Common Theater. And check out
good Night if you haven't yet sketch album I did
listen to. It's on Spotify so sweet. You can find
me at Stratton Cool or at Cold Stratton A very
social things. Pretty Pretty Pony, as Joey mentioned. Also, come
(51:38):
see Alchemy This Live SF Sketch Fest. Go to s
S sketch Fest dot com from ore Info. It's on
January Saturday, January at one pm at the Punchline. Come
see us. It's gonna be a lot of fun. That's
it for today. Let's thank our engineer and producer Doug Baby,
our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, and lastly, I
(52:01):
heart media ship. I encourage I'll of you to write
a review, tell everyone you've ever met and write to
us at your name here at alchemy This dot com.
That's your name here, at Alchemy, this dot com until
next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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