July 16, 2020 • 50 mins
Two different spy teams stumble upon each other when spying on drug cartel.
First time parents take a newborn care class.
Hidden life of pasta.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to another episode aboulcom this COVI. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin? What's that? WHOA? Do you
know who I think I am? But I digress. Let's
meet our ALcom a shower in no particular orders. Say
hello to Chris Alvarado. Chris and my ship are ready
for sake. Fill in the blank. If it were socially acceptable,
(00:27):
I would blank the chicken blank, fuck the chicken blind.
We were looking for eat the chicken skin, but we'll
take it. Answer to the bank. Hey, Kaol Stratton is here,
(00:47):
Mr Ten's hat maker. What is your favorite lunch item? Oh?
I mean I will eat pasta. I have not all
the time for every meal. If I could, uh, lasagna
as a special come for food for me, but yeah,
any of that stuff. Lasagna is what we've locked in
as an answer. There's James Heeney, Jim, Jim your favorite number?
(01:09):
And why uh the number two? Because my birthday is
on the second of December. I feel, yeah, it's a
big deal. The number two is by far my biggest
favorite is number And I did I say when we
did it before that I wish he was gonna say
number two because he likes to poop. I don't think so. Okay,
(01:30):
I hope you did last, but you eat pooh. If
you think him Lee's it's Joey Greer Chubbs. Do you
remember eating chocolate cake seated across from me? Oh my god,
I'm so high? Yeah? And how stone were you on
a scale of one to fifty? I oh, man, I was.
I was gone. I was so caught in mouth to
(01:53):
begin with, and then I got this moist chocolate cake.
That was just that was the best. That was the best. Yeah.
My memory is um, I'd never seen a cow up
close chewing its cud. I guess you would call it.
And that's what it looked like in human form, sitting
across from me. Just all right, let's do a damn show.
(02:16):
Most of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener emails.
The rest come from our fine patron v I P. S.
If you'd like to submit a listener email, please do
right to the podcast at your name here at alcomy
this dot com. I read them, I reply, we use them.
Seen one comes to us from patron v I. P. Richard,
who wrote, Hey, alchemist, I'm really digging the patroon v
(02:36):
I p content and I might try giving the hotline
a try next during the next live Hank. I just
watched the June live hang recording and got to say,
I wouldn't mind at all if Kevin replied to our
emails saying a scene suggestion wouldn't would not make the cut.
(02:56):
Oh yeah, I was grappling with how do I let
folks down? Gentle late and he's saying, just tell him
be straight up, and I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna
try to be straight up. Hey, thank you for submitting. Um,
that's uh, try again, please, well, you know, give a
little direction. Maybe maybe I'll try that. Thank you for that,
Richard Um. And now the scene suggestion. Two different spy
(03:20):
agency teams stumble upon each other while spying on a
drug cartel. We got blue inside, We got blue inside,
and we can take a break. Voice alright, how long
do we let blue uh before we maybe question if
he's gone rogue? I don't know if you've seen signs,
(03:42):
but he's a little agitated. But aren't we all? Oh yeah, no,
I'm I'm getting more agitated by the moment. You know,
I gotta say that you've keeping this van up very well,
and we appreciate it. It looks nice inside here, thank you.
Oh thanks. Yeah, I'm thinking about having the shag carpet
replaced though anything I don't know. I mean it's it's
scream to me and screams you, right, I mean, I'm
(04:06):
a seventies guy right through and through, through and through man,
And I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry about that. I'm
trying to find, uh like that there's a store that
I think just sells hammers. I think that, uh forget that.
I need to get a hammer. I was told to
come down Main Street and I would see a church
(04:28):
with two clocks. I might have missed it. I'm looking
for a hammer store, a store that that I mean,
I will probably sell other things, but I need hammers,
is alright, So what you're looking for our hammers? Looking
for a hardware store? Yeah, looking for a hardware store.
I would recommend the True Hardware on Venice Boulevard. And
(04:52):
that's great, about ten meters from here. You know how
far that ten? Uh? In a couple of miles. All right,
that's a beautiful van. You got it inside there, said
whoa watching shandelier, a lot of computers and a lot
of tech guys. I am big tech guy myself. You
(05:14):
think the irony, of course, is me just looking for
that hammer and being a tech early invention by man.
Computers are later invention, but a hammer. Okay, well, you
have a You have a great day, sir, you have
a really great day. Take care. Oh man, how long
are we just gonna sit out here for this bullshit?
We should move in? So what did they have in
their van? What was in there? What was in there? Huh?
(05:41):
What was in their van? Did you not get any
information out of him? No? No, I'm sorry. I've been
looking at this hammer. I was like, you know, this
is one of the early inventions of man. Did you
know that? Wait a second? Are you are you? Are
you not part of our team? I thought you dis guys,
you know what? Never mind, never mind, never mind. I
(06:02):
gotta go. I gotta go Hommer home or Homer. I am,
I am. I am part of your team. Jesus Christ. Yes,
So why didn't you tell me what's going on in
their van? Number one? I told you, I'm looking at
this hammer. I'm geeking out. You know where we came from,
this is where we started. And then if you look
all or look at all these buildings. That's where we
are now. While over I'm getting a sneaky suspicion there's
(06:28):
another spy unit that are keeping eyes and tips on
this cartel. Who do I report that to? You? You know,
I'm a little confused at the latter this kind of stuff. Now,
we've been in this cast so fucking long. I don't
even know who to report to. Like I were too deep?
I think I think we are in too deep? Well
(06:51):
we're seven feet in, So where do you mark the
too deep spot? I think anything at the five? Yeah,
So I don't know. I feel like if we bring
this up to the captain, he's not gonna like it.
One of us is going to get fired. Why don't
we report back that we think the cartel has disbanded?
(07:13):
Is that too unbelievable? Is that possible? You know? New
cartel's moving every day. We could say that this one
they put up a sign that's had gone fishing and
they're not gonna be here anymore. You know what I'm saying, Hey,
hey guys, hey, hey, you're still here the same spot.
Look at that. Anyway, We'll let you know found the hammer.
Really good stuff. It wasn't true value. It was it
(07:35):
wasn't just a hammers only. Uh, Main Street is very
far from where I thought where we are now, it
is far, but anyway one to come back? Sir? Do
you understand that we sent you on a quest for
a hammer just to get you the funk out of here?
But we could use a saw, we right, we could
use a saw. Right, I think we need a saw.
(07:56):
I mean I came here looking for directions for the right,
you know, but I'm happy to go grab us. Ah, yeah,
you need it? Hey, am I crazy? Isn't that the
guy who was looking for a hammer? He's talking to
a van that looks very similar to ours. Would you
just just do the paperwork? Okay, just do the paperwork.
(08:16):
I'm not okay, I'm also a field agent. I'm not
just the paperwork week. We're all fucking field agents. Okay, listen,
he's okay, he's with us. He's having a hard time
telling us about what he's seeing in But he's what
I'm saying, is what I'm saying. Is what I'm saying
is we are in this fan with the shag carpet.
We can all see that, right, Yes, of course, Computers
(08:37):
all around. It's a little dirty. Okay, So why did
the guy who's with us, supposedly, why did he go
to that similarly marked van across the street? Listen, I
a bus is Look at the window. Here, there's seven vans,
all identical outside, seven seven vans, and one lunatic going
(09:00):
door to door talking to him. I thought that would
be all right, Danny, we're all looking at same game.
Seven vans is confusing the most people, you too, Shut
the hell up. Let's just tell me right now. Okay,
those gentlemen out there are building a small business. Okay.
Each one of those vans is a shad copet fan. Okay.
(09:22):
They go into homes, they put shape down. Do you
think that those people weren't like us one day? Huh? Captain? Captain,
let me ask you a question. How often do you
trim your toenails? Not often? I let him grow as
long as I can look into the ground. Right. Also
better a playing guitar? Blue, Come in blue? Agent Blue,
(09:46):
Come in blue? Is that it we're not going to
hear from him. I think he might. It's possible that
he's undercover right now, and the more we try to
contact him, the more we reveal fling that he's an
undercovering splitting channels right now. Wait, hold on, whose house
is on this channel? Wait, I'm on the channel. It's
(10:08):
not possible he's undercover. He's definitely undercover, and it's possible
he's in a moment. But I'm saying we're talking to
him through his earpiece, so that wouldn't give him away.
But if he answered us, he might not be answering
us because he's in the middle. I am picking somebody
else up on our channel. I am picking up the
party line, a party line. We should have a party line.
(10:29):
Who the funs on our channel? Fun? Fun, fun Fun.
I'm gonna step out of the van. Okay, I'm gonna
step out of the van. Why would you step out
of the I'm just gonna go figure things out myself.
I got a saw here. I went down to the
hardware store, picked up saw that. Those guys over there
one who saw something? And do you know that this
(10:52):
was right after the hammer humans. I think you've gone
to tea. I think you've gone full seven feet. You
shut the funk up, You shut up right now. Okay,
I think you've gone too deep. Okay, you just started
with the hammer. Now you're on a saw. You forgot
where you came from. You came from our van. Okay,
you're part of us. You're blue. Oh my god, I
was berthed out of the van. I I am a van.
(11:14):
I'm a van. No, you're a secret agent. Come back
in here. You need to be read it. Hold on,
hold on, blues coming through. The guy he's talking to
isn't blue. He's just a random crazy nut. Oh god,
this is gonna throw everything sideways. Who's on our channel?
(11:35):
Who the hell is alright? Just getting to the van?
Getting to the van? I got him. He's crazy about
hammers and sauce. A bus. All the guys are now
doing kind of like fire drill scenario and the vans
they're all now and they're going into other vans, and
then they keep talking about imps. Chat. I hear it's
(11:55):
really loud. They're just on the other side of the window. So, wow,
can we jumping somebody else's vandon? Okay, we gotta go
down there. We shot. We gotta support these small businesses.
All right. Now, we invite every shad copt company van
operated business inside here and tell them they just get
(12:16):
a square of this. Hey, listen. Uh. I know I've
only been running the Drug guardtel for a couple of weeks,
but I don't know who else to talk to about this.
I feel like, uh like we're being watched, like by
by a lot of people. You're doing a great job,
You're doing a great Thanks. I appreciate the emotional support.
(12:39):
But back to we have a lot of we have
a lot of confidence in you. Again, thank you. Robertson.
Do you since we're being watched by anyone? Is this
just in my head? Well, guys, I don't want to
startle anybody. Yeah, this morning I woke up. Let me
on button my shirt and show you what I woke
up on my chest? Look at the Jesus don't know alright, alright,
(13:08):
my paranoia has subsided. Thank you for that. Rabbi. Hey,
what do you mean you're out of vans? I came
down here, I saved up. I want to buy a van. Look,
I can't be more clear about this. I am out
of vans. Okay, they bled me dry about two days ago. Okay, guy,
this is your van, Lot Van the van. Guys, Van Lot,
(13:29):
come down to van the van, Come down to guys van.
So I came down. I saved up all summer because
I wanted my first van. And you know, listen, Ruby,
I know that. Okay, you worked at the mind, I
know the work you put in. The whole town was
cheering for you. But I don't have any more vans. Ruby,
I'm sorry. I need this van. I got black along
(13:51):
over the summer being down in the mines, and I
just don't want to van spend my final days in
a van if I can't. Look, han, man, we have
this minivan. We have this minivan here. Maybe maybe the
minivan would suffice Hey, hold on a second, have I
was just oh, well, it's honestly, since we haven't signed
(14:14):
the pit out here, and let's make that say it
okay for sir, Henry, just sell that man the minivan. Okay, Well,
I just think we should sell it to the person
who's willing to pay the most for it. Yes, it's
obviously this man right here, he's gonna pay top talks
(14:35):
for Do you think Ruby's gonna be able to pay
for that for his mining Jim? No, okay, No, you're right,
you're right, You're right. God damnit, Henry. Sorry, I'm gonna
have to stick with the original sale, and uh, we're
gonna sell the minivan to the Miniman. That scene one.
We gotta have that T shirt selling the minivan to
(14:56):
the Miniman that reminds me of something. A shirt right
now that says, may I call you? And it has
all of the names from the first year of you
giving me different names. It's up on It's up on
te Spring. Now up on te spring. The alchemyst T
(15:16):
shirts available and they finally show up t Spring. Cut
us a break. Yeah, there are a handful of shirts.
We need to have another contest for the listeners. We
will I and I'm coming back to it. I'm sorry
for interrupting, but the T shirt thing just reminded me
that I'm wearing the brand new T shirt and you're
saying that one has all the bizarre names I gave
(15:38):
you during the first year in the opening. Great, all right,
I'm gonna buy one. You see. Two comes to us
from Abriel, who wrote, Hello, Miss I am a new
mom to a two month old baby girl named Theodora,
affectionately known as Teddy. Your show had literally gotten me
(15:59):
through more than a few rough moments and sleepless nights
since I pretty much have nothing else on my mind
these days, except for baby care. My scene suggestion is
as follows. First time parents are taking a newborn care class.
Thanks Abriella A from New Park p A. Abrielle. I
(16:27):
just don't want to mess it up. I don't want
to mess it up. I'm gonna be a terrible day.
I'm just gonna mess it up. Rick, you were born
to be a dad. It's human nature. But I take
this class and it's gonna go great. But Randa, you
know I'm accident prone. I have been my whole life.
My family's incredibly unlucky. It just just knows. You think
you're the first person that's been afraid of having a baby. No,
(16:51):
but I just I just, Randa, I just sorry, I'm
freaking out. I just I just don't want to be
a terrible dad, and I feel like I'm gonna be. Rick.
You're not gonna be a terrible dad. You got us
a great deal on this group on class. It's gonna
be wonderful. We're gonna learn a lot. Just calm down, Okay, Hello, everybody,
(17:15):
h thank you. I'm gonna go ahead and start reading.
I appreciate you all coming to the very last Barnes
and Noble. I think in the in the world for
the reading of my book today. Um, it's dedicated to
my parents, Rick and Nora, who, as it turns out,
didn't want me. Uh, my dad was I just read
(17:37):
the book, as he reminded me, I'm gonna get to it, sir.
As he reminded to me at every one of my birthdays.
UM was nervous. Uh was was insecure about his ability
to be a right here, that's appreciated, sir by someone
other than me. But as it turns out, my father
(17:59):
was the best dad dad anyone could have hoped for it.
I want to dedicate this book to my parents. The
book is entitled I'm gonna start reading from your book.
I hadn't go ahead and do that now, sir. It
was a soft I remember it because of the time. Yeah,
my book doesn't start that way. Face. Well, then maybe
it's a I've got the wrong book. Yep, you do.
(18:21):
You got the wrong Barnes and Noble. Excuse me, sir,
you have to leave. This is a book reading. You
are a problem. No, don't try to dodge me. Don't.
I'm standing right next to you. Come here, Come here,
there's a fucking book reading going on right now? Okay, okay,
As I was saying, the book is entitled die you
Horrible Monsters, Die uh to Ma and Jesus Christ. Okay, everybody,
(18:50):
Now we are moving on to the he's a baby
or she's a baby or its ship? Who shot? I think?
I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened.
The arms came off. It's just it's just a doll.
That's okay. That the arms came off? That bad? Is
that bad? It's not a big it's not a big deal.
(19:11):
It's not a big deal. Now, what I need you
all to do? And this is a little controversial if
I'm being if I'm being honest, I need you to
be your baby, beat honest, to beat a kid. I
need you to be your baby. I'll be e b
B And so take a moment and think like a baby.
(19:33):
Take a moment and talk like a baby. Somebody just
came off. The legs that came off? Is that? Rick?
Why am I the only woman in this baby class? Granda?
It was I didn't get to choose. It's a group
on Okay, Like, yes, it's weird that you're the only
(19:55):
lady here. But then again, there's only like six people,
so the odd well, you're doing pretty good. You haven't
lost any arms, and you don't think the beating the
baby is the right thing to do, so so far
you're a winner. Rick. And so if you notice, if
you notice, we don't have many women here, and that's
a good thing. Question what do we need them for? Exactly?
(20:20):
Exactly no, excuse me, I can hear you say that.
And I'll tell you one thing you need a woman for.
It's to have the baby. You wouldn't have a baby
if it wasn't for a woman, period. And that is
the one thing we need them for. Very good, very
very good. Let's go. We don't need to stay for
this class. This is a bad class. I have another question.
(20:42):
When you say be the baby, do you mean if
I ship myself right now it's cool? Do you think
it's cool? I mean in the situation if I'm gonna
be the baby? Another question? Yes, when someone says I
slept like a baby last night? What what? What? What
should we expect from that baby sleep? Why don't we
all take a quick nap as babies, and when we
(21:04):
return from these naps will discuss No, you tell me
right now. I mean, Tom Brady can go anywhere. I'm
not gonna like the team, but can I talk to
you about some serious stuff for a second. I um
actually went to this all male baby class. It was
a group on thing. Originally I was looking for like
Bilder Bear, but typed in baby build a Baby. It
(21:24):
was a long story short. My Internet wasn't the best.
You know, the internet doesn't matter. Look, the thing I
wanted to say was that, you know, being around a
bunch of guys acting like babies, understanding how to take
care of babies, it really made me think that, I
don't know, maybe like maybe men should have babies. Cliff, Cliff,
(21:44):
calm down, a b Is there a like? Do I
need a shirt put? To get to the rest of
this fucking question? Heres Jesus Christ, Tommy. You know, I'm
just trying to open up to you man once in
a while. Part of me I'm happy to continue to
serve you two drinks, but I'm going to serve that
tape recorder anymore drinks. Okay, that's just that's just the
rule we've got here because the tempercuter has had too
(22:06):
many I don't have to answer that you know what,
we'll be taking our business somewhere else then all right,
you know I don't. Yeah, you're you're Tommy. What the
hell you're talking about? What are you? Tommy? You're fucking hammered, man,
You're hammered out of your ass. Listen, dude, I just
want to open up to you emotionally. I really feel
like you're blocked talking about and now I need you
(22:28):
to call out. Yes, that's right. Anybody can call out,
call out, call out, Rhonda. I just can't do this.
This is ridiculous. This is a bunch of men acting
like babies. Rick, if you want, you can stay here,
but I'm leaving right now. Try um um hey everyone,
(22:51):
it's me the baby. I'm a genius. I can talk already,
and I'm a baby. Very good, Rhonda, can we hear
your baby? You? Goodbye? Rick, goodbye, I'm leaving. Goodbye, goodbye
all of you. Goodbye. Hey, Rhonda, before you leave, can
I just say you're very attractive? Too late, I'm already pregnant,
So bye bye. Rick. Are you gonna just let that
(23:13):
slide or what's the deal? Man? Jeez, Rick, you're not
gonna handle your business. You got you got cockled, dude.
You look, I'm not I'm axident prone and I just,
you know, the whole the baby thing was a whoomsie.
So I just I don't know. I don't know what
to do with my life anymore. Guys, that's amazing. So
(23:36):
you you run a group on business? Is that right?
Is that that's amazing? I never heard of that. I
felt like businesses like used group on, but I didn't
know like your business was run on group on, Like
it's only a three group on. I don't understand the question.
What the question? I was thinking, you need the rest
(23:57):
of the well, I see the way the way I
see it's like, yeah, we need a mom, you know
what I mean. But sorry, without be anything else or
did you guys want to hear the dessert specials? Actually
I would I was wanting to get We're good, We're good,
thank you, hold on checking. I want to get something
(24:17):
to eat. I would like to get something more to eat.
We have the New York cheesecake, we have the same cheesecake,
we have the Miami cheesecake, and we have the Augusta
Georgia cheeze cake. All right. I wanted to actually order
a main I didn't want to just go straight to dessert. So, uh,
want you mean like an entree? Yes, I don't know
where you're from, but Maine don't know what does that mean?
(24:39):
So you'd like to hear the entree specials? No, they
knew what I meant when I said Maine. Hold on
a second, you knew what I mean. Said wow, I
mean the word, sir. I'm sensing you want to check.
Is this part breaking? But I think the fries were
good enough. This lady is, Hey, Cheryl, can I talk
to you? You're very rude to that table. We are
(25:00):
the cheesecake factory and they have a lot of options,
and you only gave them a couple of the cheesecake options.
And there are seventy five there are a hundred and
seventy five options there are, and um, could you please
rattle off the top fifty cellars right now least so
I know that your head is in the game. Ok. Fine,
I'm sorry. There was an accident at the cheesecake factory.
(25:22):
Some of the molten cheesecake spun out and it burned
a whole bunch of the workers. It wasn't disaster disaster
at the factory, and that was a field reporter at
the cheesecake factory and Marina del Rey reporting a difficult
lunch for a couple of folks. And now Sports and Weather,
(25:45):
done both by Charles Gibins. Charles, Hey, Bruce, I'm just
so in your ear right now, that was really insensitive
the way you talked about that. Okay, these cheesecake words
burned up? All right, Yeah there's chairman. Yeah, there's a
guy in reporting that people are burning up. You know,
it's it's it's tragic enough. It's I think of the
(26:08):
history of the way people tune in for sports and weather.
I'm sorry. People are down on white bruise. You know,
white bruise. You know why they turn in for sports
and weather because you're not given the two of them.
All right, you gotta And now is the time where
we turn to our partners. Um, all all the men
in the room, here is some my women. I need
you to suck all upon the teat of your partner.
(26:31):
Now they say men can't produce milk. I disagree. So
please take a moment. I'm much from the lights down.
I'm gonna put little ya and you are just begin
to suckle. Let me hear the suckles please good. Hey Devin,
I'm worried man, not much, not much. Um Like me
(26:54):
and a couple of guys. We're gonna go over to
this baby party later and I want to know if
you wanted to, if I wanted to, what to come
with us two of the baby party. Yeah. A lot
of the other guys said you're gonna be difficult to
ask and I shouldn't do it, but well maybe they
know me better than you. Yeah, but I just really
(27:16):
wanted to extend a hand here, you know what I mean.
So while you're a giver not a taker, and I
appreciate that. And so take this back to the other guys. Hey,
fucker's you were right? He was an asshole? Okay, cool
man anyway, uh honey or rough day at the office.
I said the Spurs had a chance of showers. I
really fucked it. That has seen to everybody. Oh he's
(27:44):
doing sports and weather. Scene three comes to us from
patron v I P. Robert, who wrote, James, don't read
this as a reminded for those of you. James and
I both read the patron v I p emails and James,
as it turns out, does not like to know what
(28:05):
the scene suggestions are in advance. I don't know how
many times I have to explain this. Uh, Robert writes,
hello again, gang, top notch work is always. My love
for you all grows each episode. But I must declare
my undying devotion to Craig especially. I read this purposely
when Craig wasn't with us, because I feel like he's
(28:27):
confident enough. Yeah, what silky pipes of silliness he possesses.
Yeah we're not gonna tell him that, but it's great
that you shared it, and I wanted to read your email.
Um anyway, here's my brief scene suggestion, the hidden life
of pasta. Cheers, thanks by thank you, Robert. Just get
(28:48):
any pasta. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Well, of
course it matters. There's seventeen pastas to choose from. It's
just dry tubed bread. It tastes all the fun. Oh
my god, so you've never It's caused me I cut
the help. But you must really like the different kinds
of pasta. Luigi, thank you? Yes, what if I was
(29:09):
to tell you that there's a secret menu that isn't here?
Keep talking in the back. We have what looks to
be like a fish stick or an aquarium. But inside,
inside of the fish stink, there are different kinds of
noodles that are alive. Would you like to see them?
You want us to go in the back to see
live noodles swimming in a fish stank? I tell you
(29:32):
are allowed that. Everybody here we want to go to
the back. And that's not going to be very helpy.
Can I feel like we're being taken to be whacked? What? Yeah?
All right, listen, Dracula. Look, we gave you a shot. Okay,
gave you a shot. What are you talking about? Gave
you a shot at um before you I didn't believe
in mummies. I didn't believe in wolf things. Whatever. We're
(29:54):
trying a new thing here. We're open to all. I
don't mind you give being some personal tips. That's nice.
We want you to bring your flavor. But you're bringing
people in the back. Now, that's an insurance hazard, you
get it right. Let me tell you something that many
people realize. Okay, so your past work history here, Well, okay,
(30:18):
there's a couple of thousand years gap here between Ralph's
and uh you were helping make the pyramids? Is that correct? Yes?
But that my boss. You cannot. He probably wouldn't give
me as good a review as you might need, so honestly,
probably not to call him. You don't want me to
talk to your Ralph's manager. Ralph's manager especially not. In fact,
(30:42):
why don't we just begin a new relationship right now?
How about I clean up you? That's really quick and
damn we go. Sure you don't gotta get that close
to my neck Ralph's Uh, this is Tom speaking. How
m I help you? Hey? Uh, I'm just wondering y'all
got toilet paper right now? We do have toilet papers? Sure, Yes,
(31:06):
we don't have too many brands, and we definitely don't
have Charman Ultrasoft, but we do have some toilet paper, yes, okay. Also, um,
you got any of them Seltzer's that um got alcohols
in them, but that tastes still like fruit times. So
the Boon's Farm a Seltzer is back, yes, and we're excited.
(31:30):
It's available now in six flavors. Do you want to
hear the flavors? I would love to hear the flavors.
Please tell muss. Okay, we've got heeney Berry, We've got
lime James, We've got straw Joey. Okay, and um oh
we did get the Uh the macaroni is on fire Man.
(31:53):
Excuse me, what is it now? The macaroni is on
fire Man. Okay, So there's a special sale on macaroni.
Are you interested in that at ulcer? Yeah? I like
I like macaroni. That sounds good. I come down. Uh.
You know, I've been to Booze Farm once. I went
I want to raffle, and I got to go. Yeah,
(32:16):
you know it's kinna. It's just a live uber and
people around all that. But I don't mind a mass.
You're just heading over to Ralphs. Is that right? Just
a little quick stop. Yeah, I'm heading over to pick
up some macaroni, And then showed them my scrap book
of my time at Boone's. Oh yeah, Boone, I want
a raffle, a little giveaway. Got over there. We got
a little chance to walk around the farm. Yeah. I
(32:37):
did the same thing. This is I went back in
two when you go, I went there ninety two. That's
also when I went. Oh the hell, I went in August,
mid August ninety two. I went in mid August and
ninety two two. Look at that. That's crazy. I. I I
stayed in the in the chateau up by the vines.
(33:02):
I stayed at the shut to put the bon the
vines too, look said, I slept in a kink bad.
Now it was the floor for me. You know, I
used to I usually do work over at the cheesecake factory.
I don't want to just just open up about me.
But I feel like I'm driving and I can at
any moment just kill us. So you know, I was
(33:22):
working there and I and I decided, as I hate
you know what I wanna, I want to do something different.
I got out before that crazy you did you hear
about that crazy cheesecake factory? That a dracula on the road.
There's a dragon. Oh well that was easy. Huh. Oh
my god, I kind of just right. You're driving the car.
(33:43):
You're not driving garlics and steak and stuff. So he'll
be okay, he'll amen to that moment. Welcome. If you
are here, it's because you were giving an invitation. No,
we asked you all to take a seat. Say nothing,
sit around the table. Place? Do we just sit anywhere?
I said, please? Please? Now you'll see there's a hand
(34:07):
towel in front of all of you. I was gonna
sit there. I need you to put that over your head.
I'm sitting here. Now go ahead and place the towel
over your head. Now, this was gonna sit there. I
understand what I'm sitting here, and I this is a
barrier between you and God himself. The seats open down there.
Just just switch with me. Yeah. See, if you're asked
(34:28):
fits in one, he should not see what you are
about to. Doesn't matter if I asked fits him. You
saw me make you saw me walking towards this chair,
and yes, and you cut me off? Right? Then is
your problem? You just needing garlic? Yeah, I've been eating garlic.
Smell like a fucking vampire. Dude, I wouldn't smell like
a vampire. They hate garlic. They hate garlic. What that
(34:49):
guy tell us not to talk? Shut the ship. We'll
be coming out. Shut. Then you will notice you will
all only have war bunch. Fucking This evening is over.
(35:11):
I tried, I tried, I'm out. I'm gone. Thank you
so long. Hey, Tim, how's the class go? First of all, Phil,
it's not a class, okay, it's a secret. You know.
I have to explain this to every fucking month it's
a secret society where we eat things that God shouldn't
be seeing us eat. Okay, last night was supposed to
(35:33):
be one one piece of pennay, a forbidden pain ay
as it were. But I don't need to get into
all this with you. Where did the pay come from?
That's not that's not your business, Phil it As a
matter of fact, this isn't working out either, Rent, by
the way, No, no, hey, listen, hey, listen to fucking asholes.
Listen all right, listen up. I need this whole damn
floor covered in share competing now. Okay, so shut the
(35:56):
funk up and get the goddamn sha compety. Okay, Yeah,
we're getting on it, Jim, jesus, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I called it a class again. I always forget. I'm sorry,
I really am. It's okay. It's a secret society, and
I just want to be a part of it, you know, No,
I know, it's just I don't want to mix our
living situation with my professional stuff. Anyway. Will you will
(36:20):
you hand me the cutter? Please? Yeah? Here we go,
thank you? Okay. How many people showed up at the society, Uh?
There was twelve. Twelve showed up. Yeah, but but we
didn't finish because somebody screamed cock punished and he was like,
and that was the word thing too, is it? Why
are you calling out what punches you're doing? And it
just it devolved. It's supposed to be isn't supposed to
(36:40):
be silent during the It's supposed to be setting, sir,
It's supposed to be silent. Your rugs done, the carpets down.
I mean, dad, you got fired from else Well, it
wasn't working out. I was just trying to be helpful,
tell the truth. Is it odd to you that I
(37:02):
have living pasta well, you know it's yes, it's a
little weird for sure. But I feel like that you're
making excuse for not working anymore. No, no, no, I've
I've put lots of work together in my lifetime. I
(37:23):
feel like this is just a job to, you know,
keep myself busy. And you're so embarrassing. You know what, Tracula,
I said, fuck it, you know what, I was willing
to live with an eternal being, with the hopes that
you were going to be I don't know, have some
kind of pellacialist state and money from Rome and also
there ship but You're just another broke, goddamn cryptid and
I'm sucking out of here. Okay, I'm taking don't I have.
(37:49):
I'm on a fixed int come, Okay, every month I
get a certain amount of anything extra I have to
make on my own bullshit, Okay, I'm okay. How many
of my friends have you just just drained? Okay, drained
and I get nothing. I'm out of here, buddy, I'm
sucking Vegas. I'm moving to Vegas. I don't care. And
(38:11):
then mom left dead? Is I don't understand this? And
then you don't show up to coach little league teams.
I'm sorry, honestly, I don't. I just don't feel like
it's appropriate. Uh well, we can't have night games, that's
uh all the games have to be. Some of the
most exciting games happen at night. You just couldn't do
(38:33):
the evening games like after sundown. Well, I mean, the
field just don't have lights at to public school. We
just don't have the money to build that kind of
infrastructure that what if we had a glow in the
dark ball, wouldn't that be fine? Uh No. Nerve kind
of came out with those a couple of years ago.
And they're actually super dangerous. So h, I mean, I
(38:55):
don't know. They're kids, they're I mean they're eight year
old kids. They can't. You just gonna find another little
league coach? Okay, alright, that I got two cases of
macaroni and a cup boom from I'm gonna put him
up here so you can check me out. Say where
did that Dracula fella go? That? Usually he's here on Thursdays. Yeah, no,
(39:17):
he quit. He didn't like working here for some reason.
All right, he got fired. I'm sorry. I don't know
what to say. He was uncomfortable. He's kept talking about
living pasta like that was a thing. Uh, did you
want anything else? Sir? Do you have a Ralph's card?
I don't have a WOMY, but I can put in
my number. I go ahead type it in. I'm not six. Yeah, Uh,
(39:41):
it's you're supposed to be your phone number. Sir. We're
gonna need seven digits. Oh I see um six yep
six oh boy yex. Someone summoned me. Do you need
discounts on your grocery? Yeah? Can you roll your card
through this and get a discount place? I don't want
(40:03):
who has discount? Excuse me, you have a discount third devil, Yeah,
is there an issue? It doesn't matter to me which
one of you got scan the work here is due.
So you just conjure him up whenever you need him those. Yeah. Yeah,
I subscribe to a Satanic savings program, right so whenever
(40:27):
at some place, and like even it works on live
too if I don't know a coupon code without suthing him. Right. God,
he tries to budge sometimes that they don't work, like
they expired. Like it seems like it's ninety five or
step work. What is it that's like outdated? Yeah. I
remember looking up on the Google there some discount codes
(40:48):
and it said Satan's discount. I thought that can't be right.
But you're saying it works. Yeah, yeah, no, it's it
works all the time. He gets me great savings. Um,
I mean he does on part of my soul. But
it's worth it right now to be able to keep
things lean in my pocket. You know what I'm saying.
I do know. I'm just saying, you're just a part
of your soul. That's it. Just for a little piece. Yeah,
(41:10):
whatever percentage he gets me off of things, that's how
much of my soul he gets, so it adds up
over time. Got you got you with the average of
all the percentages, so you know the median or the
mean or whatever. So right now, he gives you pretty
good savings and he owns thirty one percent of my soul.
That's not bad. That's not bad at all, all right, Uh,
(41:30):
trucula high for a position at satan savings. Yes, I'd
like to get a job, but I want to make
sure that I'm a good fit because I've been really
feeling bad every time I lose a job and people
say that. I just so I feel like maybe I
fit very well here. I think you will. I don't
(41:51):
think you're getting the appreciation you deserve. Now, let me
just say one thing. This is quite jotting too many people,
But I've got a good friend, Dr Frankenstein, and he's
created the pasta that's not like any other pasta. It
in itself is like alive. Would you mind if we
sold that here as well? Mm hmm, it seems pretty
(42:15):
far fetched. There's a fish tank that I have in
my trunk. It I'd love to show you the pasta
that's inside of it. Lonely, Oh my god, that of course,
I'm lonely. My wife left me, my child hates me
because I kind of do Little League. Please, I'd meet
to belong somewhere, and he took the fish tank inside
(42:38):
and he lived out his days there. Now there's any
questions in the Barnes and Noble crowd, I'm happy to
take them. Yeah, how I'm gonna take to write this
one about forty five minutes. Any other question? Is it
exciting being the last book to ever be sold in
this establishment? It is pretty exciting. They are tearing it
(43:00):
down right after this reading is over. So is that
the reason the books? Yeah? I figured, you know, it's
the last chance to make anything. So I'm gonna sell
that and move on. Are you already at work on
your next book? I am? I am? I tell us
about it. Well, it's a it's a book this time
where breaking breaking hold on. You're not reading anymore, you're
(43:22):
just answering questions. You can do this outside, all right,
I was breaking up. Get everyone out, Let's get everyone out.
Come on, let's moving on, let's go. It's talking about
Dracula going to Vegas. See you guys next time. In
the world where Dracula goes to Vegas this summer in
(43:43):
three theaters and online for Dawn demand. Bruce, it's me,
You're sorry, can do a different reading. Know what I
need is I just want you to connect to what's
on the script. You know what I'm connect connect? Yes,
So don't be follow that piece of paper up? Eat it,
keep it, let it get inside you metaphorically speaking, got it? No? No, no, no, Bruce,
(44:08):
I mean I eat that up? Eat it? He didn't
eat it? Sorry? Sorry, you want me to eat the
I mean I understand what you're saying, but the idea, Yeah,
so let me try it again. M hmm. What's that? Bruce?
Do you want something with the paper? Do you want
anything that with? You? Just want to draw? You? Tell me?
(44:29):
I'd like to try one without eating the paper first. Okay,
all right, well let's see. You know, I gotta be honest.
I need some guidance, yes, some direction please, But the
judgmental ship in your tone it's not helpful. Okay. And
the Wolfman nailed the voice over, and he was hired
(44:50):
for several of the things. Thank you, Borders crowd. Do
you have any questions, I've happy to take them now. Yeah,
I'll have to take to write this one thirt three minutes.
Whoa how did you rebuild the Bonds and Noble so quick? Well,
you know it's uh, they were already empty. This this
obviously it's not rightly shaped. This used to be an
(45:12):
eye hop. So the ceiling is weird. But right while
sitting on the camp yep? Is there any other questions
else where? Where's the border grill? There's it's downtown. Um,
it's full. I think it's that. Google will tell you
(45:36):
I'm not a search engine. But thank you ask a question?
Man said, one least there was one person here who
says he's your dad. Um, he wants to ask you
a question? Really, damn this fucking heavy man Son. It's me.
(46:00):
I know I've been accident pro my whole life. But sir,
sir as your father. Right here? Where's the border grill?
And that's our show for today? James, oh man Man,
(46:22):
I want to do a shout out to whoever wrote
into the uh your name here at alcumus dot com
and they're scene suggestion was Chris and James teaching a
class on accents. I want to say to the person
who wrote that email, who fuck yourself? Thank you, thank you, yeah,
I got your backs. Um, let's thank all of our alchemists,
(46:43):
starting with uh Battlestar Galactica, Joey Greer, thanks so much
for being mostly here. Joe, You're so welcome. You're so welcome. People.
Check out the Bear Supply on the West Side Comedy
dot com doing live shows is every Wednesday. Every Wednesday
streaming live on the Twitch and then later available on
(47:06):
the West Side Comedy on YouTube and actually on James's YouTube,
the real James Cene, the real James and very nicely
to James Ceni. Is this true, James? Uh? Yeah, Actually,
we do have a Bear Supply channel, and I've been
putting the newer shows on that one old shows of
Bear Supplier on my personal channel, and I'll tell you
(47:27):
just just I mean, it's been an outpouring of support
on our reviews. Uh. We got one from FCB so
much uh verified v I P Alchemist or alchem Aniac.
I love this show so much, I pay for it.
Uh from Tony Layton via Apple Podcast. I shouldn't be
just rushing reading this, but there's just been so many
(47:49):
from Whales Shark thirty three, Constantina, uh McCoy, Kent Well
I just want to say thank you because we've been
asking for reviews and good lord have they poured in.
And it's helpful because it's also putting us up on
the charts. Thank you for for that, James, and thanks
everyone writing in. McCoy Uh can't well just became a
(48:09):
patron v I P member. So everyone's pitching in and
we appreciate that. We will not stop. The Internet is
trying to stop us from our own personal connections to
each other, but we will continue to push through and
work through this. Cool Strottan, thanks so much for being here.
Uh still available. Some new content on the sketch Fest Yeah,
if you sketch fest dot com, slash watch, they're all
(48:31):
up there. They're not just two n nine so we're
hoping to move some more. They're all great, like unique
programming from the festival. UM also west Side related, Pretty
Pretty Pony is doing a show. I don't know if
this will be out by them, maybe maybe not in
July sevente and Rob Paulson is our guest anologist, which
will be great, and we're going to continue to do
those once a month as well, so check out their schedule.
(48:52):
That'll be phenomenal. Chris Alvarado. Thank you so much, buddy,
Thank you. You can find all my stuff at the
Real James. You're teaching some classes for West Side, Yeah
you still do, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm teaching some classes
the Western Common Theater. I think, I think Joey is
as well. Maybe other people here. Yeah, I mean, let's
(49:12):
be honest. Western Comment Theater as a as a hub
for a lot of Alchemy This players, so please always
check out shows and classes and stuff, and you'll see
our names there for sure. Right on, let's thank your
engineer to the stars, Mr Doug Baine, also our producer. Uh,
be careful and healthy out there, folks, look out for
(49:34):
each other. I think we're all doing our best, and
I again want to thank everyone for tuning in and
writing to us. Your name here at Alchemy This dot com.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Until next time, the Paper
Welcome back to another episode aboulcom this COVI. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin? What's that? WHOA? Do you
know who I think I am? But I digress. Let's
meet our ALcom a shower in no particular orders. Say
hello to Chris Alvarado. Chris and my ship are ready
for sake. Fill in the blank. If it were socially acceptable,
(00:27):
I would blank the chicken blank, fuck the chicken blind.
We were looking for eat the chicken skin, but we'll
take it. Answer to the bank. Hey, Kaol Stratton is here,
(00:47):
Mr Ten's hat maker. What is your favorite lunch item? Oh?
I mean I will eat pasta. I have not all
the time for every meal. If I could, uh, lasagna
as a special come for food for me, but yeah,
any of that stuff. Lasagna is what we've locked in
as an answer. There's James Heeney, Jim, Jim your favorite number?
(01:09):
And why uh the number two? Because my birthday is
on the second of December. I feel, yeah, it's a
big deal. The number two is by far my biggest
favorite is number And I did I say when we
did it before that I wish he was gonna say
number two because he likes to poop. I don't think so. Okay,
(01:30):
I hope you did last, but you eat pooh. If
you think him Lee's it's Joey Greer Chubbs. Do you
remember eating chocolate cake seated across from me? Oh my god,
I'm so high? Yeah? And how stone were you on
a scale of one to fifty? I oh, man, I was.
I was gone. I was so caught in mouth to
(01:53):
begin with, and then I got this moist chocolate cake.
That was just that was the best. That was the best. Yeah.
My memory is um, I'd never seen a cow up
close chewing its cud. I guess you would call it.
And that's what it looked like in human form, sitting
across from me. Just all right, let's do a damn show.
(02:16):
Most of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener emails.
The rest come from our fine patron v I P. S.
If you'd like to submit a listener email, please do
right to the podcast at your name here at alcomy
this dot com. I read them, I reply, we use them.
Seen one comes to us from patron v I. P. Richard,
who wrote, Hey, alchemist, I'm really digging the patroon v
(02:36):
I p content and I might try giving the hotline
a try next during the next live Hank. I just
watched the June live hang recording and got to say,
I wouldn't mind at all if Kevin replied to our
emails saying a scene suggestion wouldn't would not make the cut.
(02:56):
Oh yeah, I was grappling with how do I let
folks down? Gentle late and he's saying, just tell him
be straight up, and I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna
try to be straight up. Hey, thank you for submitting. Um,
that's uh, try again, please, well, you know, give a
little direction. Maybe maybe I'll try that. Thank you for that,
Richard Um. And now the scene suggestion. Two different spy
(03:20):
agency teams stumble upon each other while spying on a
drug cartel. We got blue inside, We got blue inside,
and we can take a break. Voice alright, how long
do we let blue uh before we maybe question if
he's gone rogue? I don't know if you've seen signs,
(03:42):
but he's a little agitated. But aren't we all? Oh yeah, no,
I'm I'm getting more agitated by the moment. You know,
I gotta say that you've keeping this van up very well,
and we appreciate it. It looks nice inside here, thank you.
Oh thanks. Yeah, I'm thinking about having the shag carpet
replaced though anything I don't know. I mean it's it's
scream to me and screams you, right, I mean, I'm
(04:06):
a seventies guy right through and through, through and through man,
And I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry about that. I'm
trying to find, uh like that there's a store that
I think just sells hammers. I think that, uh forget that.
I need to get a hammer. I was told to
come down Main Street and I would see a church
(04:28):
with two clocks. I might have missed it. I'm looking
for a hammer store, a store that that I mean,
I will probably sell other things, but I need hammers,
is alright, So what you're looking for our hammers? Looking
for a hardware store? Yeah, looking for a hardware store.
I would recommend the True Hardware on Venice Boulevard. And
(04:52):
that's great, about ten meters from here. You know how
far that ten? Uh? In a couple of miles. All right,
that's a beautiful van. You got it inside there, said
whoa watching shandelier, a lot of computers and a lot
of tech guys. I am big tech guy myself. You
(05:14):
think the irony, of course, is me just looking for
that hammer and being a tech early invention by man.
Computers are later invention, but a hammer. Okay, well, you
have a You have a great day, sir, you have
a really great day. Take care. Oh man, how long
are we just gonna sit out here for this bullshit?
We should move in? So what did they have in
their van? What was in there? What was in there? Huh?
(05:41):
What was in their van? Did you not get any
information out of him? No? No, I'm sorry. I've been
looking at this hammer. I was like, you know, this
is one of the early inventions of man. Did you
know that? Wait a second? Are you are you? Are
you not part of our team? I thought you dis guys,
you know what? Never mind, never mind, never mind. I
(06:02):
gotta go. I gotta go Hommer home or Homer. I am,
I am. I am part of your team. Jesus Christ. Yes,
So why didn't you tell me what's going on in
their van? Number one? I told you, I'm looking at
this hammer. I'm geeking out. You know where we came from,
this is where we started. And then if you look
all or look at all these buildings. That's where we
are now. While over I'm getting a sneaky suspicion there's
(06:28):
another spy unit that are keeping eyes and tips on
this cartel. Who do I report that to? You? You know,
I'm a little confused at the latter this kind of stuff. Now,
we've been in this cast so fucking long. I don't
even know who to report to. Like I were too deep?
I think I think we are in too deep? Well
(06:51):
we're seven feet in, So where do you mark the
too deep spot? I think anything at the five? Yeah,
So I don't know. I feel like if we bring
this up to the captain, he's not gonna like it.
One of us is going to get fired. Why don't
we report back that we think the cartel has disbanded?
(07:13):
Is that too unbelievable? Is that possible? You know? New
cartel's moving every day. We could say that this one
they put up a sign that's had gone fishing and
they're not gonna be here anymore. You know what I'm saying, Hey,
hey guys, hey, hey, you're still here the same spot.
Look at that. Anyway, We'll let you know found the hammer.
Really good stuff. It wasn't true value. It was it
(07:35):
wasn't just a hammers only. Uh, Main Street is very
far from where I thought where we are now, it
is far, but anyway one to come back? Sir? Do
you understand that we sent you on a quest for
a hammer just to get you the funk out of here?
But we could use a saw, we right, we could
use a saw. Right, I think we need a saw.
(07:56):
I mean I came here looking for directions for the right,
you know, but I'm happy to go grab us. Ah, yeah,
you need it? Hey, am I crazy? Isn't that the
guy who was looking for a hammer? He's talking to
a van that looks very similar to ours. Would you
just just do the paperwork? Okay, just do the paperwork.
(08:16):
I'm not okay, I'm also a field agent. I'm not
just the paperwork week. We're all fucking field agents. Okay, listen,
he's okay, he's with us. He's having a hard time
telling us about what he's seeing in But he's what
I'm saying, is what I'm saying. Is what I'm saying
is we are in this fan with the shag carpet.
We can all see that, right, Yes, of course, Computers
(08:37):
all around. It's a little dirty. Okay, So why did
the guy who's with us, supposedly, why did he go
to that similarly marked van across the street? Listen, I
a bus is Look at the window. Here, there's seven vans,
all identical outside, seven seven vans, and one lunatic going
(09:00):
door to door talking to him. I thought that would
be all right, Danny, we're all looking at same game.
Seven vans is confusing the most people, you too, Shut
the hell up. Let's just tell me right now. Okay,
those gentlemen out there are building a small business. Okay.
Each one of those vans is a shad copet fan. Okay.
(09:22):
They go into homes, they put shape down. Do you
think that those people weren't like us one day? Huh? Captain? Captain,
let me ask you a question. How often do you
trim your toenails? Not often? I let him grow as
long as I can look into the ground. Right. Also
better a playing guitar? Blue, Come in blue? Agent Blue,
(09:46):
Come in blue? Is that it we're not going to
hear from him. I think he might. It's possible that
he's undercover right now, and the more we try to
contact him, the more we reveal fling that he's an
undercovering splitting channels right now. Wait, hold on, whose house
is on this channel? Wait, I'm on the channel. It's
(10:08):
not possible he's undercover. He's definitely undercover, and it's possible
he's in a moment. But I'm saying we're talking to
him through his earpiece, so that wouldn't give him away.
But if he answered us, he might not be answering
us because he's in the middle. I am picking somebody
else up on our channel. I am picking up the
party line, a party line. We should have a party line.
(10:29):
Who the funs on our channel? Fun? Fun, fun Fun.
I'm gonna step out of the van. Okay, I'm gonna
step out of the van. Why would you step out
of the I'm just gonna go figure things out myself.
I got a saw here. I went down to the
hardware store, picked up saw that. Those guys over there
one who saw something? And do you know that this
(10:52):
was right after the hammer humans. I think you've gone
to tea. I think you've gone full seven feet. You
shut the funk up, You shut up right now. Okay,
I think you've gone too deep. Okay, you just started
with the hammer. Now you're on a saw. You forgot
where you came from. You came from our van. Okay,
you're part of us. You're blue. Oh my god, I
was berthed out of the van. I I am a van.
(11:14):
I'm a van. No, you're a secret agent. Come back
in here. You need to be read it. Hold on,
hold on, blues coming through. The guy he's talking to
isn't blue. He's just a random crazy nut. Oh god,
this is gonna throw everything sideways. Who's on our channel?
(11:35):
Who the hell is alright? Just getting to the van?
Getting to the van? I got him. He's crazy about
hammers and sauce. A bus. All the guys are now
doing kind of like fire drill scenario and the vans
they're all now and they're going into other vans, and
then they keep talking about imps. Chat. I hear it's
(11:55):
really loud. They're just on the other side of the window. So, wow,
can we jumping somebody else's vandon? Okay, we gotta go
down there. We shot. We gotta support these small businesses.
All right. Now, we invite every shad copt company van
operated business inside here and tell them they just get
(12:16):
a square of this. Hey, listen. Uh. I know I've
only been running the Drug guardtel for a couple of weeks,
but I don't know who else to talk to about this.
I feel like, uh like we're being watched, like by
by a lot of people. You're doing a great job,
You're doing a great Thanks. I appreciate the emotional support.
(12:39):
But back to we have a lot of we have
a lot of confidence in you. Again, thank you. Robertson.
Do you since we're being watched by anyone? Is this
just in my head? Well, guys, I don't want to
startle anybody. Yeah, this morning I woke up. Let me
on button my shirt and show you what I woke
up on my chest? Look at the Jesus don't know alright, alright,
(13:08):
my paranoia has subsided. Thank you for that. Rabbi. Hey,
what do you mean you're out of vans? I came
down here, I saved up. I want to buy a van. Look,
I can't be more clear about this. I am out
of vans. Okay, they bled me dry about two days ago. Okay, guy,
this is your van, Lot Van the van. Guys, Van Lot,
(13:29):
come down to van the van, Come down to guys van.
So I came down. I saved up all summer because
I wanted my first van. And you know, listen, Ruby,
I know that. Okay, you worked at the mind, I
know the work you put in. The whole town was
cheering for you. But I don't have any more vans. Ruby,
I'm sorry. I need this van. I got black along
(13:51):
over the summer being down in the mines, and I
just don't want to van spend my final days in
a van if I can't. Look, han, man, we have
this minivan. We have this minivan here. Maybe maybe the
minivan would suffice Hey, hold on a second, have I
was just oh, well, it's honestly, since we haven't signed
(14:14):
the pit out here, and let's make that say it
okay for sir, Henry, just sell that man the minivan. Okay, Well,
I just think we should sell it to the person
who's willing to pay the most for it. Yes, it's
obviously this man right here, he's gonna pay top talks
(14:35):
for Do you think Ruby's gonna be able to pay
for that for his mining Jim? No, okay, No, you're right,
you're right, You're right. God damnit, Henry. Sorry, I'm gonna
have to stick with the original sale, and uh, we're
gonna sell the minivan to the Miniman. That scene one.
We gotta have that T shirt selling the minivan to
(14:56):
the Miniman that reminds me of something. A shirt right
now that says, may I call you? And it has
all of the names from the first year of you
giving me different names. It's up on It's up on
te Spring. Now up on te spring. The alchemyst T
(15:16):
shirts available and they finally show up t Spring. Cut
us a break. Yeah, there are a handful of shirts.
We need to have another contest for the listeners. We
will I and I'm coming back to it. I'm sorry
for interrupting, but the T shirt thing just reminded me
that I'm wearing the brand new T shirt and you're
saying that one has all the bizarre names I gave
(15:38):
you during the first year in the opening. Great, all right,
I'm gonna buy one. You see. Two comes to us
from Abriel, who wrote, Hello, Miss I am a new
mom to a two month old baby girl named Theodora,
affectionately known as Teddy. Your show had literally gotten me
(15:59):
through more than a few rough moments and sleepless nights
since I pretty much have nothing else on my mind
these days, except for baby care. My scene suggestion is
as follows. First time parents are taking a newborn care class.
Thanks Abriella A from New Park p A. Abrielle. I
(16:27):
just don't want to mess it up. I don't want
to mess it up. I'm gonna be a terrible day.
I'm just gonna mess it up. Rick, you were born
to be a dad. It's human nature. But I take
this class and it's gonna go great. But Randa, you
know I'm accident prone. I have been my whole life.
My family's incredibly unlucky. It just just knows. You think
you're the first person that's been afraid of having a baby. No,
(16:51):
but I just I just, Randa, I just sorry, I'm
freaking out. I just I just don't want to be
a terrible dad, and I feel like I'm gonna be. Rick.
You're not gonna be a terrible dad. You got us
a great deal on this group on class. It's gonna
be wonderful. We're gonna learn a lot. Just calm down, Okay, Hello, everybody,
(17:15):
h thank you. I'm gonna go ahead and start reading.
I appreciate you all coming to the very last Barnes
and Noble. I think in the in the world for
the reading of my book today. Um, it's dedicated to
my parents, Rick and Nora, who, as it turns out,
didn't want me. Uh, my dad was I just read
(17:37):
the book, as he reminded me, I'm gonna get to it, sir.
As he reminded to me at every one of my birthdays.
UM was nervous. Uh was was insecure about his ability
to be a right here, that's appreciated, sir by someone
other than me. But as it turns out, my father
(17:59):
was the best dad dad anyone could have hoped for it.
I want to dedicate this book to my parents. The
book is entitled I'm gonna start reading from your book.
I hadn't go ahead and do that now, sir. It
was a soft I remember it because of the time. Yeah,
my book doesn't start that way. Face. Well, then maybe
it's a I've got the wrong book. Yep, you do.
(18:21):
You got the wrong Barnes and Noble. Excuse me, sir,
you have to leave. This is a book reading. You
are a problem. No, don't try to dodge me. Don't.
I'm standing right next to you. Come here, Come here,
there's a fucking book reading going on right now? Okay, okay,
As I was saying, the book is entitled die you
Horrible Monsters, Die uh to Ma and Jesus Christ. Okay, everybody,
(18:50):
Now we are moving on to the he's a baby
or she's a baby or its ship? Who shot? I think?
I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened.
The arms came off. It's just it's just a doll.
That's okay. That the arms came off? That bad? Is
that bad? It's not a big it's not a big deal.
(19:11):
It's not a big deal. Now, what I need you
all to do? And this is a little controversial if
I'm being if I'm being honest, I need you to
be your baby, beat honest, to beat a kid. I
need you to be your baby. I'll be e b
B And so take a moment and think like a baby.
(19:33):
Take a moment and talk like a baby. Somebody just
came off. The legs that came off? Is that? Rick?
Why am I the only woman in this baby class? Granda?
It was I didn't get to choose. It's a group
on Okay, Like, yes, it's weird that you're the only
(19:55):
lady here. But then again, there's only like six people,
so the odd well, you're doing pretty good. You haven't
lost any arms, and you don't think the beating the
baby is the right thing to do, so so far
you're a winner. Rick. And so if you notice, if
you notice, we don't have many women here, and that's
a good thing. Question what do we need them for? Exactly?
(20:20):
Exactly no, excuse me, I can hear you say that.
And I'll tell you one thing you need a woman for.
It's to have the baby. You wouldn't have a baby
if it wasn't for a woman, period. And that is
the one thing we need them for. Very good, very
very good. Let's go. We don't need to stay for
this class. This is a bad class. I have another question.
(20:42):
When you say be the baby, do you mean if
I ship myself right now it's cool? Do you think
it's cool? I mean in the situation if I'm gonna
be the baby? Another question? Yes, when someone says I
slept like a baby last night? What what? What? What
should we expect from that baby sleep? Why don't we
all take a quick nap as babies, and when we
(21:04):
return from these naps will discuss No, you tell me
right now. I mean, Tom Brady can go anywhere. I'm
not gonna like the team, but can I talk to
you about some serious stuff for a second. I um
actually went to this all male baby class. It was
a group on thing. Originally I was looking for like
Bilder Bear, but typed in baby build a Baby. It
(21:24):
was a long story short. My Internet wasn't the best.
You know, the internet doesn't matter. Look, the thing I
wanted to say was that, you know, being around a
bunch of guys acting like babies, understanding how to take
care of babies, it really made me think that, I
don't know, maybe like maybe men should have babies. Cliff, Cliff,
(21:44):
calm down, a b Is there a like? Do I
need a shirt put? To get to the rest of
this fucking question? Heres Jesus Christ, Tommy. You know, I'm
just trying to open up to you man once in
a while. Part of me I'm happy to continue to
serve you two drinks, but I'm going to serve that
tape recorder anymore drinks. Okay, that's just that's just the
rule we've got here because the tempercuter has had too
(22:06):
many I don't have to answer that you know what,
we'll be taking our business somewhere else then all right,
you know I don't. Yeah, you're you're Tommy. What the
hell you're talking about? What are you? Tommy? You're fucking hammered, man,
You're hammered out of your ass. Listen, dude, I just
want to open up to you emotionally. I really feel
like you're blocked talking about and now I need you
(22:28):
to call out. Yes, that's right. Anybody can call out,
call out, call out, Rhonda. I just can't do this.
This is ridiculous. This is a bunch of men acting
like babies. Rick, if you want, you can stay here,
but I'm leaving right now. Try um um hey everyone,
(22:51):
it's me the baby. I'm a genius. I can talk already,
and I'm a baby. Very good, Rhonda, can we hear
your baby? You? Goodbye? Rick, goodbye, I'm leaving. Goodbye, goodbye
all of you. Goodbye. Hey, Rhonda, before you leave, can
I just say you're very attractive? Too late, I'm already pregnant,
So bye bye. Rick. Are you gonna just let that
(23:13):
slide or what's the deal? Man? Jeez, Rick, you're not
gonna handle your business. You got you got cockled, dude.
You look, I'm not I'm axident prone and I just,
you know, the whole the baby thing was a whoomsie.
So I just I don't know. I don't know what
to do with my life anymore. Guys, that's amazing. So
(23:36):
you you run a group on business? Is that right?
Is that that's amazing? I never heard of that. I
felt like businesses like used group on, but I didn't
know like your business was run on group on, Like
it's only a three group on. I don't understand the question.
What the question? I was thinking, you need the rest
(23:57):
of the well, I see the way the way I
see it's like, yeah, we need a mom, you know
what I mean. But sorry, without be anything else or
did you guys want to hear the dessert specials? Actually
I would I was wanting to get We're good, We're good,
thank you, hold on checking. I want to get something
(24:17):
to eat. I would like to get something more to eat.
We have the New York cheesecake, we have the same cheesecake,
we have the Miami cheesecake, and we have the Augusta
Georgia cheeze cake. All right. I wanted to actually order
a main I didn't want to just go straight to dessert. So, uh,
want you mean like an entree? Yes, I don't know
where you're from, but Maine don't know what does that mean?
(24:39):
So you'd like to hear the entree specials? No, they
knew what I meant when I said Maine. Hold on
a second, you knew what I mean. Said wow, I
mean the word, sir. I'm sensing you want to check.
Is this part breaking? But I think the fries were
good enough. This lady is, Hey, Cheryl, can I talk
to you? You're very rude to that table. We are
(25:00):
the cheesecake factory and they have a lot of options,
and you only gave them a couple of the cheesecake options.
And there are seventy five there are a hundred and
seventy five options there are, and um, could you please
rattle off the top fifty cellars right now least so
I know that your head is in the game. Ok. Fine,
I'm sorry. There was an accident at the cheesecake factory.
(25:22):
Some of the molten cheesecake spun out and it burned
a whole bunch of the workers. It wasn't disaster disaster
at the factory, and that was a field reporter at
the cheesecake factory and Marina del Rey reporting a difficult
lunch for a couple of folks. And now Sports and Weather,
(25:45):
done both by Charles Gibins. Charles, Hey, Bruce, I'm just
so in your ear right now, that was really insensitive
the way you talked about that. Okay, these cheesecake words
burned up? All right, Yeah there's chairman. Yeah, there's a
guy in reporting that people are burning up. You know,
it's it's it's tragic enough. It's I think of the
(26:08):
history of the way people tune in for sports and weather.
I'm sorry. People are down on white bruise. You know,
white bruise. You know why they turn in for sports
and weather because you're not given the two of them.
All right, you gotta And now is the time where
we turn to our partners. Um, all all the men
in the room, here is some my women. I need
you to suck all upon the teat of your partner.
(26:31):
Now they say men can't produce milk. I disagree. So
please take a moment. I'm much from the lights down.
I'm gonna put little ya and you are just begin
to suckle. Let me hear the suckles please good. Hey Devin,
I'm worried man, not much, not much. Um Like me
(26:54):
and a couple of guys. We're gonna go over to
this baby party later and I want to know if
you wanted to, if I wanted to, what to come
with us two of the baby party. Yeah. A lot
of the other guys said you're gonna be difficult to
ask and I shouldn't do it, but well maybe they
know me better than you. Yeah, but I just really
(27:16):
wanted to extend a hand here, you know what I mean.
So while you're a giver not a taker, and I
appreciate that. And so take this back to the other guys. Hey,
fucker's you were right? He was an asshole? Okay, cool
man anyway, uh honey or rough day at the office.
I said the Spurs had a chance of showers. I
really fucked it. That has seen to everybody. Oh he's
(27:44):
doing sports and weather. Scene three comes to us from
patron v I P. Robert, who wrote, James, don't read
this as a reminded for those of you. James and
I both read the patron v I p emails and James,
as it turns out, does not like to know what
(28:05):
the scene suggestions are in advance. I don't know how
many times I have to explain this. Uh, Robert writes,
hello again, gang, top notch work is always. My love
for you all grows each episode. But I must declare
my undying devotion to Craig especially. I read this purposely
when Craig wasn't with us, because I feel like he's
(28:27):
confident enough. Yeah, what silky pipes of silliness he possesses.
Yeah we're not gonna tell him that, but it's great
that you shared it, and I wanted to read your email.
Um anyway, here's my brief scene suggestion, the hidden life
of pasta. Cheers, thanks by thank you, Robert. Just get
(28:48):
any pasta. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Well, of
course it matters. There's seventeen pastas to choose from. It's
just dry tubed bread. It tastes all the fun. Oh
my god, so you've never It's caused me I cut
the help. But you must really like the different kinds
of pasta. Luigi, thank you? Yes, what if I was
(29:09):
to tell you that there's a secret menu that isn't here?
Keep talking in the back. We have what looks to
be like a fish stick or an aquarium. But inside,
inside of the fish stink, there are different kinds of
noodles that are alive. Would you like to see them?
You want us to go in the back to see
live noodles swimming in a fish stank? I tell you
(29:32):
are allowed that. Everybody here we want to go to
the back. And that's not going to be very helpy.
Can I feel like we're being taken to be whacked? What? Yeah?
All right, listen, Dracula. Look, we gave you a shot. Okay,
gave you a shot. What are you talking about? Gave
you a shot at um before you I didn't believe
in mummies. I didn't believe in wolf things. Whatever. We're
(29:54):
trying a new thing here. We're open to all. I
don't mind you give being some personal tips. That's nice.
We want you to bring your flavor. But you're bringing
people in the back. Now, that's an insurance hazard, you
get it right. Let me tell you something that many
people realize. Okay, so your past work history here, Well, okay,
(30:18):
there's a couple of thousand years gap here between Ralph's
and uh you were helping make the pyramids? Is that correct? Yes?
But that my boss. You cannot. He probably wouldn't give
me as good a review as you might need, so honestly,
probably not to call him. You don't want me to
talk to your Ralph's manager. Ralph's manager especially not. In fact,
(30:42):
why don't we just begin a new relationship right now?
How about I clean up you? That's really quick and
damn we go. Sure you don't gotta get that close
to my neck Ralph's Uh, this is Tom speaking. How
m I help you? Hey? Uh, I'm just wondering y'all
got toilet paper right now? We do have toilet papers? Sure, Yes,
(31:06):
we don't have too many brands, and we definitely don't
have Charman Ultrasoft, but we do have some toilet paper, yes, okay. Also, um,
you got any of them Seltzer's that um got alcohols
in them, but that tastes still like fruit times. So
the Boon's Farm a Seltzer is back, yes, and we're excited.
(31:30):
It's available now in six flavors. Do you want to
hear the flavors? I would love to hear the flavors.
Please tell muss. Okay, we've got heeney Berry, We've got
lime James, We've got straw Joey. Okay, and um oh
we did get the Uh the macaroni is on fire Man.
(31:53):
Excuse me, what is it now? The macaroni is on
fire Man. Okay, So there's a special sale on macaroni.
Are you interested in that at ulcer? Yeah? I like
I like macaroni. That sounds good. I come down. Uh.
You know, I've been to Booze Farm once. I went
I want to raffle, and I got to go. Yeah,
(32:16):
you know it's kinna. It's just a live uber and
people around all that. But I don't mind a mass.
You're just heading over to Ralphs. Is that right? Just
a little quick stop. Yeah, I'm heading over to pick
up some macaroni, And then showed them my scrap book
of my time at Boone's. Oh yeah, Boone, I want
a raffle, a little giveaway. Got over there. We got
a little chance to walk around the farm. Yeah. I
(32:37):
did the same thing. This is I went back in
two when you go, I went there ninety two. That's
also when I went. Oh the hell, I went in August,
mid August ninety two. I went in mid August and
ninety two two. Look at that. That's crazy. I. I I
stayed in the in the chateau up by the vines.
(33:02):
I stayed at the shut to put the bon the
vines too, look said, I slept in a kink bad.
Now it was the floor for me. You know, I
used to I usually do work over at the cheesecake factory.
I don't want to just just open up about me.
But I feel like I'm driving and I can at
any moment just kill us. So you know, I was
(33:22):
working there and I and I decided, as I hate
you know what I wanna, I want to do something different.
I got out before that crazy you did you hear
about that crazy cheesecake factory? That a dracula on the road.
There's a dragon. Oh well that was easy. Huh. Oh
my god, I kind of just right. You're driving the car.
(33:43):
You're not driving garlics and steak and stuff. So he'll
be okay, he'll amen to that moment. Welcome. If you
are here, it's because you were giving an invitation. No,
we asked you all to take a seat. Say nothing,
sit around the table. Place? Do we just sit anywhere?
I said, please? Please? Now you'll see there's a hand
(34:07):
towel in front of all of you. I was gonna
sit there. I need you to put that over your head.
I'm sitting here. Now go ahead and place the towel
over your head. Now, this was gonna sit there. I
understand what I'm sitting here, and I this is a
barrier between you and God himself. The seats open down there.
Just just switch with me. Yeah. See, if you're asked
(34:28):
fits in one, he should not see what you are
about to. Doesn't matter if I asked fits him. You
saw me make you saw me walking towards this chair,
and yes, and you cut me off? Right? Then is
your problem? You just needing garlic? Yeah, I've been eating garlic.
Smell like a fucking vampire. Dude, I wouldn't smell like
a vampire. They hate garlic. They hate garlic. What that
(34:49):
guy tell us not to talk? Shut the ship. We'll
be coming out. Shut. Then you will notice you will
all only have war bunch. Fucking This evening is over.
(35:11):
I tried, I tried, I'm out. I'm gone. Thank you
so long. Hey, Tim, how's the class go? First of all, Phil,
it's not a class, okay, it's a secret. You know.
I have to explain this to every fucking month it's
a secret society where we eat things that God shouldn't
be seeing us eat. Okay, last night was supposed to
(35:33):
be one one piece of pennay, a forbidden pain ay
as it were. But I don't need to get into
all this with you. Where did the pay come from?
That's not that's not your business, Phil it As a
matter of fact, this isn't working out either, Rent, by
the way, No, no, hey, listen, hey, listen to fucking asholes.
Listen all right, listen up. I need this whole damn
floor covered in share competing now. Okay, so shut the
(35:56):
funk up and get the goddamn sha compety. Okay, Yeah,
we're getting on it, Jim, jesus, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I called it a class again. I always forget. I'm sorry,
I really am. It's okay. It's a secret society, and
I just want to be a part of it, you know, No,
I know, it's just I don't want to mix our
living situation with my professional stuff. Anyway. Will you will
(36:20):
you hand me the cutter? Please? Yeah? Here we go,
thank you? Okay. How many people showed up at the society, Uh?
There was twelve. Twelve showed up. Yeah, but but we
didn't finish because somebody screamed cock punished and he was like,
and that was the word thing too, is it? Why
are you calling out what punches you're doing? And it
just it devolved. It's supposed to be isn't supposed to
(36:40):
be silent during the It's supposed to be setting, sir,
It's supposed to be silent. Your rugs done, the carpets down.
I mean, dad, you got fired from else Well, it
wasn't working out. I was just trying to be helpful,
tell the truth. Is it odd to you that I
(37:02):
have living pasta well, you know it's yes, it's a
little weird for sure. But I feel like that you're
making excuse for not working anymore. No, no, no, I've
I've put lots of work together in my lifetime. I
(37:23):
feel like this is just a job to, you know,
keep myself busy. And you're so embarrassing. You know what, Tracula,
I said, fuck it, you know what, I was willing
to live with an eternal being, with the hopes that
you were going to be I don't know, have some
kind of pellacialist state and money from Rome and also
there ship but You're just another broke, goddamn cryptid and
I'm sucking out of here. Okay, I'm taking don't I have.
(37:49):
I'm on a fixed int come, Okay, every month I
get a certain amount of anything extra I have to
make on my own bullshit, Okay, I'm okay. How many
of my friends have you just just drained? Okay, drained
and I get nothing. I'm out of here, buddy, I'm
sucking Vegas. I'm moving to Vegas. I don't care. And
(38:11):
then mom left dead? Is I don't understand this? And
then you don't show up to coach little league teams.
I'm sorry, honestly, I don't. I just don't feel like
it's appropriate. Uh well, we can't have night games, that's
uh all the games have to be. Some of the
most exciting games happen at night. You just couldn't do
(38:33):
the evening games like after sundown. Well, I mean, the
field just don't have lights at to public school. We
just don't have the money to build that kind of
infrastructure that what if we had a glow in the
dark ball, wouldn't that be fine? Uh No. Nerve kind
of came out with those a couple of years ago.
And they're actually super dangerous. So h, I mean, I
(38:55):
don't know. They're kids, they're I mean they're eight year
old kids. They can't. You just gonna find another little
league coach? Okay, alright, that I got two cases of
macaroni and a cup boom from I'm gonna put him
up here so you can check me out. Say where
did that Dracula fella go? That? Usually he's here on Thursdays. Yeah, no,
(39:17):
he quit. He didn't like working here for some reason.
All right, he got fired. I'm sorry. I don't know
what to say. He was uncomfortable. He's kept talking about
living pasta like that was a thing. Uh, did you
want anything else? Sir? Do you have a Ralph's card?
I don't have a WOMY, but I can put in
my number. I go ahead type it in. I'm not six. Yeah, Uh,
(39:41):
it's you're supposed to be your phone number. Sir. We're
gonna need seven digits. Oh I see um six yep
six oh boy yex. Someone summoned me. Do you need
discounts on your grocery? Yeah? Can you roll your card
through this and get a discount place? I don't want
(40:03):
who has discount? Excuse me, you have a discount third devil, Yeah,
is there an issue? It doesn't matter to me which
one of you got scan the work here is due.
So you just conjure him up whenever you need him those. Yeah. Yeah,
I subscribe to a Satanic savings program, right so whenever
(40:27):
at some place, and like even it works on live
too if I don't know a coupon code without suthing him. Right. God,
he tries to budge sometimes that they don't work, like
they expired. Like it seems like it's ninety five or
step work. What is it that's like outdated? Yeah. I
remember looking up on the Google there some discount codes
(40:48):
and it said Satan's discount. I thought that can't be right.
But you're saying it works. Yeah, yeah, no, it's it
works all the time. He gets me great savings. Um,
I mean he does on part of my soul. But
it's worth it right now to be able to keep
things lean in my pocket. You know what I'm saying.
I do know. I'm just saying, you're just a part
of your soul. That's it. Just for a little piece. Yeah,
(41:10):
whatever percentage he gets me off of things, that's how
much of my soul he gets, so it adds up
over time. Got you got you with the average of
all the percentages, so you know the median or the
mean or whatever. So right now, he gives you pretty
good savings and he owns thirty one percent of my soul.
That's not bad. That's not bad at all, all right, Uh,
(41:30):
trucula high for a position at satan savings. Yes, I'd
like to get a job, but I want to make
sure that I'm a good fit because I've been really
feeling bad every time I lose a job and people
say that. I just so I feel like maybe I
fit very well here. I think you will. I don't
(41:51):
think you're getting the appreciation you deserve. Now, let me
just say one thing. This is quite jotting too many people,
But I've got a good friend, Dr Frankenstein, and he's
created the pasta that's not like any other pasta. It
in itself is like alive. Would you mind if we
sold that here as well? Mm hmm, it seems pretty
(42:15):
far fetched. There's a fish tank that I have in
my trunk. It I'd love to show you the pasta
that's inside of it. Lonely, Oh my god, that of course,
I'm lonely. My wife left me, my child hates me
because I kind of do Little League. Please, I'd meet
to belong somewhere, and he took the fish tank inside
(42:38):
and he lived out his days there. Now there's any
questions in the Barnes and Noble crowd, I'm happy to
take them. Yeah, how I'm gonna take to write this
one about forty five minutes. Any other question? Is it
exciting being the last book to ever be sold in
this establishment? It is pretty exciting. They are tearing it
(43:00):
down right after this reading is over. So is that
the reason the books? Yeah? I figured, you know, it's
the last chance to make anything. So I'm gonna sell
that and move on. Are you already at work on
your next book? I am? I am? I tell us
about it. Well, it's a it's a book this time
where breaking breaking hold on. You're not reading anymore, you're
(43:22):
just answering questions. You can do this outside, all right,
I was breaking up. Get everyone out, Let's get everyone out.
Come on, let's moving on, let's go. It's talking about
Dracula going to Vegas. See you guys next time. In
the world where Dracula goes to Vegas this summer in
(43:43):
three theaters and online for Dawn demand. Bruce, it's me,
You're sorry, can do a different reading. Know what I
need is I just want you to connect to what's
on the script. You know what I'm connect connect? Yes,
So don't be follow that piece of paper up? Eat it,
keep it, let it get inside you metaphorically speaking, got it? No? No, no, no, Bruce,
(44:08):
I mean I eat that up? Eat it? He didn't
eat it? Sorry? Sorry, you want me to eat the
I mean I understand what you're saying, but the idea, Yeah,
so let me try it again. M hmm. What's that? Bruce?
Do you want something with the paper? Do you want
anything that with? You? Just want to draw? You? Tell me?
(44:29):
I'd like to try one without eating the paper first. Okay,
all right, well let's see. You know, I gotta be honest.
I need some guidance, yes, some direction please, But the
judgmental ship in your tone it's not helpful. Okay. And
the Wolfman nailed the voice over, and he was hired
(44:50):
for several of the things. Thank you, Borders crowd. Do
you have any questions, I've happy to take them now. Yeah,
I'll have to take to write this one thirt three minutes.
Whoa how did you rebuild the Bonds and Noble so quick? Well,
you know it's uh, they were already empty. This this
obviously it's not rightly shaped. This used to be an
(45:12):
eye hop. So the ceiling is weird. But right while
sitting on the camp yep? Is there any other questions
else where? Where's the border grill? There's it's downtown. Um,
it's full. I think it's that. Google will tell you
(45:36):
I'm not a search engine. But thank you ask a question?
Man said, one least there was one person here who
says he's your dad. Um, he wants to ask you
a question? Really, damn this fucking heavy man Son. It's me.
(46:00):
I know I've been accident pro my whole life. But sir,
sir as your father. Right here? Where's the border grill?
And that's our show for today? James, oh man Man,
(46:22):
I want to do a shout out to whoever wrote
into the uh your name here at alcumus dot com
and they're scene suggestion was Chris and James teaching a
class on accents. I want to say to the person
who wrote that email, who fuck yourself? Thank you, thank you, yeah,
I got your backs. Um, let's thank all of our alchemists,
(46:43):
starting with uh Battlestar Galactica, Joey Greer, thanks so much
for being mostly here. Joe, You're so welcome. You're so welcome. People.
Check out the Bear Supply on the West Side Comedy
dot com doing live shows is every Wednesday. Every Wednesday
streaming live on the Twitch and then later available on
(47:06):
the West Side Comedy on YouTube and actually on James's YouTube,
the real James Cene, the real James and very nicely
to James Ceni. Is this true, James? Uh? Yeah, Actually,
we do have a Bear Supply channel, and I've been
putting the newer shows on that one old shows of
Bear Supplier on my personal channel, and I'll tell you
(47:27):
just just I mean, it's been an outpouring of support
on our reviews. Uh. We got one from FCB so
much uh verified v I P Alchemist or alchem Aniac.
I love this show so much, I pay for it.
Uh from Tony Layton via Apple Podcast. I shouldn't be
just rushing reading this, but there's just been so many
(47:49):
from Whales Shark thirty three, Constantina, uh McCoy, Kent Well
I just want to say thank you because we've been
asking for reviews and good lord have they poured in.
And it's helpful because it's also putting us up on
the charts. Thank you for for that, James, and thanks
everyone writing in. McCoy Uh can't well just became a
(48:09):
patron v I P member. So everyone's pitching in and
we appreciate that. We will not stop. The Internet is
trying to stop us from our own personal connections to
each other, but we will continue to push through and
work through this. Cool Strottan, thanks so much for being here.
Uh still available. Some new content on the sketch Fest Yeah,
if you sketch fest dot com, slash watch, they're all
(48:31):
up there. They're not just two n nine so we're
hoping to move some more. They're all great, like unique
programming from the festival. UM also west Side related, Pretty
Pretty Pony is doing a show. I don't know if
this will be out by them, maybe maybe not in
July sevente and Rob Paulson is our guest anologist, which
will be great, and we're going to continue to do
those once a month as well, so check out their schedule.
(48:52):
That'll be phenomenal. Chris Alvarado. Thank you so much, buddy,
Thank you. You can find all my stuff at the
Real James. You're teaching some classes for West Side, Yeah
you still do, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm teaching some classes
the Western Common Theater. I think, I think Joey is
as well. Maybe other people here. Yeah, I mean, let's
(49:12):
be honest. Western Comment Theater as a as a hub
for a lot of Alchemy This players, so please always
check out shows and classes and stuff, and you'll see
our names there for sure. Right on, let's thank your
engineer to the stars, Mr Doug Baine, also our producer. Uh,
be careful and healthy out there, folks, look out for
(49:34):
each other. I think we're all doing our best, and
I again want to thank everyone for tuning in and
writing to us. Your name here at Alchemy This dot com.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Until next time, the Paper
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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