When two Animal Rights Activists go undercover as employees at a zoo, priority one, of course, is to release all the animals… One person meets all the multi-verse versions of themselves. Oddly, not everyone gets along… It may be closing time at the Vatican, but a few in the Diocese work through the night fighting crime in Rome…
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy this I'm your
guest host, Cold Stratton. Yes, back, Cold Stratton. What's that sure?
Why not? I will have the extra crispy with a
side of shame. Thanks, But I digress for Kevin Pollock's instructions.
By definition, alchemy is quote when a person or persons
creates something through a seemingly magical process and by the
(00:22):
power invested in me by professional field hockey odds maker
Kevin Pollock. I'm happy to welcome you all to another
episode of Alchemy thisst So let's meet today's Alchemishelle in
no particular orders, say hello to James. He first, ye,
I'm sorry, Sorry for a loop. James, On any given day,
do you prefer tuna fish or raising us? Oh? God,
(00:43):
raisin nuts easily. Yeah, you're the easiest. Opening from next up,
it's Vanessa Raglan Vanessa. If you had to name a
child after a planet, which one? And how come? Oh? Oh,
planets Mars? You gotta call your kid like that? Mars,
(01:05):
I guess because it's Red. No, Saturn, the rings, that's
the one Saturn. Great question. Hey it's Craig at causey
Craig I left you fish cry, and if so, why
they cry because of their tiny brains and they don't
understand what's happening most of the time, and the oceans
(01:26):
are dying and they are filled with that can really
stressed you out by thinking that they're always crying, but
you can't tell they're constantly can't tell the way their
tears look out cat lovers, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris A
if I speak by later? What kind of dessert should
(01:47):
I pick up? Um? Cole brew and cocaine sat because
of the ring And last, but hands down my favorite
one here, it's Carla Kakowski. Was that you or Kevin?
Who I mean? It's Kevin, but it's me to it?
(02:08):
And uh okay, call of the Improvement over, Joey Greer,
thank you name. What's something about our dear alchemist Craig
We never knew he sobs at the voice, so you
can't tell because I'm underwater. Chairs turn their chair, start
(02:30):
to finish. We should do that every episode. Only something
we don't know. All right, let's get to our first scene.
As all of today's see suggestions were gathered from our
listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please write
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(02:51):
This emails from Joseph Kester, who wrote, good morning Crew.
Thursday is not my favorite day of the week because
it's the last work day and also new episode day.
I just have to find something to get me through
the other days of my contribution to society. James, don't
let the others bring you down. You are just as
(03:11):
funny as them, and my hero picked up on all
the subjects. My suggestion this time is two animal rights
activists go undercover working at a zoo with a plan
to release all the animals on their first training day
when no one is looking. I hope the white performance
(03:32):
went great, Joseph, Let's go, I mean position ted, I'm
in position alright, alright, alright, I'm on brake. Still use
the walkies. Okay, don't use the walkie. Look at me.
Today's a big day. You know, today's a big, big day.
I know what. Excuse me? Where's the gorilla house? Okay?
(03:58):
And then just keep going. It's got the picture of
a gorilla above the door. Do you like the girl
is here? Honestly, they're pretty violent. They're aggressive. That's not cool.
If it's cool, it's really fun. Enjoy your day, have
some fun. Okay, you could have been more friendly. What's
going on? Um? I don't feel comfortable with this? What
(04:23):
what don't you feel? You know who doesn't feel comfortable?
Every fucking animal that's caged up here? Okay, it is
our mission to release them. I just feel like maybe
there's going to be some unintended butterfly effect ripples in
the water. What if somebody gets hurt by a goddamn gorilla?
Those gorillas are already being hurt by goddamn people, Luke,
(04:44):
people and gorillas are different. If you're not excuse me,
that was the reptile house direction. I say left, Yeah,
you said left and go. I met right. He's into
theater stage directions. Now I want to now, I want
to see the holar bears straight. Hey, how come you
guys are talking on your wakes when you're standing right
(05:04):
next to each other making sure they work? Hey, listen,
little punks, how come you seem so mad? Okay, listen,
I don't need to answer everyone of your questions. Okay
you did, Luke. Do we have a problem here? No? No, no, no,
I'm a zoo floor manager as you could tell. I'm sure.
How can I help you? Guys? Gorilla? Are I wish
I was Joan Embery. She's my hero and my hair inspirations. Okay,
(05:29):
the gorillas are going to be just straight down that
way past the shady grove, take a left at the
first oak. Are they all one big happy family? Oh?
They are. They love it here and we love them.
You're you're great right here? You want to be a
junior zoo katier? Thanks? Yeah, and thanks for this hat?
Or you guys have a magical day. Hold on whenever.
(05:53):
Whenever we go somewhere and someone's nice to me, my
mom always says we should tip them. So I'm gonna
tip you. Here's fifty bucks. No, well, you know what
I'm gonna do with this, If it's all right, If
I keep it, I would love to donate it to
some of my favorite marsupials. Oh, marsupials are from Australia.
Very good. Yes, we're having a more supial birthday party
(06:14):
tonight at midnight. We'll stick around. Yeah, I'm going to
hang out. Our mom just gave us tons of money
and sent us to the zoo for the day. Unfortunately,
the more Supial birthday party is staff only. Um, but
I hope you guys have a great day. Okay, if
you need anything else, come and find me the best. Okay, suck,
but you're the best. What the fun is going on? Nothing?
(06:37):
Just I think Ted's having a bad day. Ted. I
just feel sometimes like we're not taking care of the
animals the way that we should. Well, that's on you
if that's happening. I'm taking care of the animals. Are
you really going to put that towards the animals? Yes,
I'm going to buy the more Supials a birthday cake.
Well that would be a step in the right direction.
(06:58):
Where is this coming from? I don't know. I guess
you don't know what's going on. He doesn't know. I'm
I'm here in a mission, Pat, not just to be
a good customer service person, not just to be an
animal feeder. You know what, Luke, Let's tie her up
(07:20):
really quick first. It's important. We're going to tell you
some things. No Pat, Pat Pat Okay, Oh excuse me, guys,
these guys were trying to tie me up the middle
(07:41):
in the middle of Zoo Square. Look, yeah, I know
you guys are new here. But yeah, we're just new here,
that's all it is. And the floor manager and these
zookeeper junets are trying to tie me up in the
middle of Look, we got some zebras that need to
get fed. Okay, pat Audrey, the campbell has the flu
Oh no, Jim, I'm saying it. So I gotta I
(08:03):
got a puller from display for the chair. Are we
gonna uthanizer? Hope nuthanized? No, it's the flu it's bed
rested fluids it Oh, Jim, I got I got a
question to ask you about this pipe that's around this
corner right behind the restrooms, because I show it to you.
You're talking to me and just followed me for a second.
Come right this way. I see that you are a
(08:27):
junior zoo person. I am. I have the hat. That's awesome.
That's awesome. And there's your little brother. Are your brother?
I assume? Yeah, I'm older, cool, awesome, So obviously I
work here. So um I have keys all the different cages. Cages. Yeah, Now,
let me ask you a question. What's your favorite thing
(08:48):
about the zebras? Um? I like how they are black
and white, and um, I want to touch one. Yeah,
how about you, budd well, I think most people say stripes,
but that seems too easy. You're hey, don't be mean.
I like that they swapped flies with their tails. Very cool, now,
don't he's such a nerd. Happy birthday, Shanning got you
(09:11):
some eucalyptus leaves. Are lucky that this is very nice?
Thank you so much. I've got you a little bit
of a country than you. I know the party is
not to midnight, but I wanted to give you a
gift early. That's sweet. I think the staff is doing something,
but it showed us mean a lot to get them
something from a cell mate. I was planning to just
sit on this tree for hours, not move much. That's
what I was going to do. You know, eating it
(09:33):
makes me so sleepy. You no, You see, gorillas are
complaining lately about what their living scenario here. They don't
like it. You got word from the grillas? How he
told you what? The grill is a sign? Ye chichi him.
He's popping around all the time. He came around. He's
got the gossip or not. Gorillas aren't happy, happy big.
(09:54):
They've got a lot of energy they do. What are
they going to do. That's going to ruin my party
and massively that I didn't a break tonight on my
party night, don't I know? It's a mall sleup your
birthday party featuring me. I don't think that's called This
is where the pipe? Where did Ted go? Look? I
(10:14):
you asked us to come with you say a leaky pie? Okay,
hold onto this rope? Really tight, both of you. Okay,
it is building exercise. I'm going to run around you
as many times I can without getting dizzy. And we've
(10:36):
been tied together together. It was not an ice breaker.
She thought it was an ice breaker. All right, guys.
So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you
a key. Now this opens the gorilla house, and I'm
gonna give you what's your favorite animal? Tiger. I'm gonna
give you the tiger key. There you go, shaped like
a tiger. Yes, yes, okay, what's your favorite animal? I
(11:03):
like audi and I guess pick one. Okay, one with
fever is one with fins. Okay, So here's the ostrich
and you're saying fins. Okay. Well, here's a hammer and
you can just go and smack that into any aquarium
you see Mr Luke, Mr. When when when we when
(11:24):
we opened the cages and they come out, what do
we do then? Scream? Okay, now this is important. That's
a great question. Scream let them be free? Can we
try that? One to three? Let them be free and
then it'll be a fun zoo day for everybody. Sound good?
Can I sure? Young gun? Yeah? Sure, Jesus, don't use
(11:44):
it on me, just desting. Okay, So why don't you
go find the gorillas? You go find the tigers, and
you go find That's right? And why do we say?
Do you guys have watches? No? I didn't even know
what ties. Okay, So all right, dude, I got a
time agotchi. Okay, how about this? How about we all
(12:05):
count you a hundred? Okay, when we when you when
you get to a hundred, just turn the key and
open the cages. But do we start now? I don't
even know, doubt, what do you say? I don't know, Hey,
qualits something. Something weird is going on today. I don't
(12:26):
know he's signing that you're signed something about the grillas. Yeah,
I was telling something about the gorillas. They're unhappy with
their enclosure. But I don't know. Something weird is in
the air today, looks and anyways, okay, all over the zoo.
Just something weird's happening. Okay, is it the gorillas? Look,
(12:51):
the clamendia has got into your brain. It does each
up there? Um? Is it the make cats? Then he's
popping her on? Yeah? Yeah, the mere cats are are
looking out for danger. They're all looking in the same direction.
It's weird. They're looking east where they realize that nine
(13:14):
let them be Ted. Come in. I know you think
I'm ted. I'm Luke your ted. I know what the
hell is going on. I've tied up the I've tied
up pet and gym. Well, the legal, the legal. I'm
(13:37):
so sorry. Okay, he muffled you. He didn't muffle me
for some reason. Look, I don't know if you're saying
you love me, but I love you bad. I've loved
you since the first day I worked at the zoo.
We're now in code black. It is officially code black.
(13:59):
So it's too late to turn back. What is it
too late to turn back? You're standing right next to
each other. Just talk talk to each other. Okay, Yeah,
all the all the animals have been freed or most
of them. Is anybody hurt? The kids get hurt. Audrey
has the flu. It's gonna get to everyone. Which was Audrey.
She's the camel. Oh, she's been set free. Now I
(14:24):
think we should kill him, but I think we should
let the gorillas love you Tube. I'll leave my wife. Yes,
Mr Gorilla, I want to be your friend. You look
so angry, but now you're free and you can be
whatever you want to be. Like. Um, you could go
(14:47):
to law school if you want to do. Ye. Welcome
to law school, everybody. I'm gonna take a tendance quickly. Okay, Um,
Donny Carter here, great? Uh, Messa Raglan here, terrific Um.
Peter Bogdanovitch, Yes, I'm Peter bogdanovan I directed the Last
(15:10):
Picture Show Okay and Personal Friends with and Gary Gorilla Turfy.
Today we will be doing mock debates. Peter, excuse me?
Is this a farce? Is this some sort of screwball comedy? No,
this is law school, because I do love screwball comedy.
(15:32):
That works of Howard Hawks are our fantasy. Save your
opinions for the debate. Save your opinions for the debate.
For the debate, you will be going up against Gary um,
and you will be discussing the very famous court thing. Um,
Kyle versus Derek Elliott. What are you doing up here?
(15:55):
This is not your professor, This is my nephew. Elliott
is not supposed to be here. Easier. Yeah no, he's
really promising young but his name is not Dairy. No,
it's just Gorilla. So let's learn how to shout out
objection three. Objection, Hi, welcome to the urgent care. Um.
(16:18):
I see here that you have the flu um. I
see a gigantic hump on your back. I think you
can look at fat as well. Um, and you other symptoms.
Oh yeah, okay, okay, we'll probably just give you some antibiotics. Um,
you need some electroc lights, that's for sure. Excuse me, doctor,
(16:40):
I don't always you guys always do this. You guys
always do this. It's not an accident. So we always
meet cute, but we are not together, not together that together.
It's funn to let you know that. In our room too,
there's two r animal rights activists who got their armstrow,
not by grillas. So if you want to head a
millar okay. And I was just going to say, if
you want me to youth and as the camel, happy
to do it. I think let's try electric lights first. Okay, okay, terrific,
(17:07):
it was worth it, I don't think so. I don't
What am I gonna do now? I don't know, man,
this isn't covered by health and stripe for another cause?
As that the whole point here? I think we really
blew at that time? What time? The time when we
got a harms ripped off? Luo? Today you guys are
a mess. Yeah, but we had a good time. We
(17:31):
had a great time. I wrote the tiger right out
of the yeah stretches funny guys, alright, remaining my sippials
on three happy baby. Gross. Oh, this is a horrible
(17:52):
birth day. What are you looking at? Just eat my friends?
Eat the birthday girl, Eat the birthday girl. I've got clamardia.
You get it in your guts? How did you get
clamidia from my friends? You guys party over here. I'm
(18:13):
a party animal. Okay, what do you want? Just killed?
All my friends are gonna take a minute to swamy? Okay, Well, um,
I don't know. I like to just get nuts. Is that? Good,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I know the Bobo
seems guilty beating all those defenses. Mortil almost simple girl.
(18:36):
Peter Bogdan Events for the prosecution, Ladies and gentlemen. Lord
Peter went through last school fast. The next fast suggestion
is from Kyle Smith, who wrote, Hey everyone, how Chemy.
(18:58):
This brings a new challenge every week discovering new ways
the hide fits of laughter at my office job. Really
love your work. I'd like to suggest the following a
meeting of the multiverses where the representatives are all different
versions of the same person. One rep claims to be
the real one because she arranged the meeting through Sci
Fi Shenanigan's keep up the great work. I really wish
we lived in l As so we could see her shows. Kyle, Well, Kyle.
(19:20):
Before we get to the Alchemy, Kevin Regie email wanted
you all to know that the first live on stage
Alchemy this podcast performance was about a week or so ago,
and it was a monstrous success, so much so that
there will be many more and in a theater near you. Kyle.
Kevin also wanted me to ask you all to include
your city and or theater so he can let you
know when the show will be traveling to your town.
(19:41):
Oh okay, so there does ousa? Is that Kyle of
Kyle versus Derek here is here? Is? Okay? So now
let the multiverses of the same person collide. Um. I
(20:01):
don't know what I'm doing here. This is awkward to
say the least. Um. I woke up and got out
of bed, and here I am. You look exactly like me.
I got a text. It's gave me this address, and
now I'm here. You look like us. Oh my god,
(20:25):
it's identical. Look. None of you guys are the real Dexter.
That's not true. I'm the I'm the real Dexter. I
have a passport that says Dexter. Okay, anyone could get
a fake passport made. You have tattoos all over your face,
you can't be the real Texter. Yeah. I mean I
(20:45):
I started getting tats when I was sixteen. Man, Until
I have every available space of my face covered with tats,
I'm not gonna be living my full life, all right? Okay? Why? Why? Okay?
I have a lot of questions. Also, who went into
this warehouse space? I mean, who sent us here? Who?
How did you guys know? It? As weird? I got
(21:06):
a text as well. That would be me Dexter, Dexter,
Hi Texter, and Dexter. I'm Dexter. I mean it just
like me, except you're wearing a weird hat. That's right.
I brought us all different hats so we could tell
ourselves apart. And I'm Candy and I'm just going to
(21:26):
be moderating the session. So if any of y'all want
to have your voices heard, um, I'll just feel here.
Had just taken that. It's okay, cool, Thanks Candy. Absolutely Dexter,
Dexter exx. This is so weird. I don't know what's
going on. Can I get dips on the Fedora? Sure? Sure,
here you go, so your Fedora Dexter. I will take
the beret, great Beret Dexter. Are we do we all
(21:47):
live in the same city? Do you guys all live here?
So you don't get a hat? Your hatless Dexter. I
live in Cleveland. I live in Cleveland. I mean I
live in I did live in Cleveland. And do I
need a hat since, as we've covered already, I'm covered
in face tests. Yeah, I'm good, okay, And I of
course have the propeller beaty, which will still confidence in me. Okay,
(22:09):
so what makes you the dexter in charge? He brought
me only an authority figure would bring a moderator. That's true.
That's a good point. Also, he rented the space. Do
we owe you for that? Or are you covering that?
I got it, I got it, dexter broke. Look you
all here here for a reason, all right? And to
(22:33):
do with our girlfriend, my girlfriend and Sheila. Yep, Sheila's
my girlfriend. I'm marly in love with Sheila. I was
going to ask Sheila to marry me, but all I
can buy is this stupid ring. That's the thing. The
only constant in all the universes, all the multiverses, is
that we're dating and or engaged to and or about
(22:56):
to break up with Sheila Sheila. Okay, so you okay,
which version are you? Are you with her? Yeah? I'm
with her. I just kind of I don't want this
to be weird. I'm just a little upset. Just tell me.
Is there multiple Sheila's or is there just one? I
(23:17):
knew it. I fucking knew it. Look, I'm I'm liking
the like one month with Sheila, it's been great so far.
It's just been two years two years in. Yeah, it's great.
It's only getting better. How about you, guys, I've been
married to Sheila for five years now. Oh my gosh,
I was going to ask her to marry me because
I felt like she was going to leave me for
somebody She's never around. So so what was the answer
(23:40):
to that question? It's the same. I didn't get the
answer to the question either. Is there just one? She
bounces from Dexter to dexter? Think about it, Think about
the weird excuses she does. She just suddenly has to
leave the round. She has so many jobs, she works
as a hard worker. She's unemployed. She says she's a
she's a part of the gig economy. She's got she
(24:02):
she's driving for Lift and Uber. Yeah, and she lift
and Uber in Cleveland, both of them plenty. In my universe,
it's called uh pedal and belt Pedal and belt. Yeah,
it's weird, weird bespoke culture. Sorry to interject, I've met
(24:26):
Sheila when she's bounced in our area. Yes, absolutely, wow.
So why would Sheila want to be dating five different
dexters in five different universe? Wouldn't she think about it?
We probably all highlight a really great aspect of ourselves.
For instance, you're obviously very artsy. Yeah, I mean there's
(24:46):
are all over your face and I've got a gallery
opening next week. Okay, that makes a lot of say
it's always been terrible at art. Me too. What are
you guys good at I'm really good at cleaning. That's
a huge thing. That's huge, isn't you know how we
were all good at football growing up? But then we
blew out our knee in high school. I didn't blow
(25:06):
up my knee. I want pro Wow, that's right. That's
how I can afford this warehouse space. That's right, Candy.
But here's the thing. She let us know this. But
she's coming here and she's gonna have to face all
of us together. Oh yeah, we're gonna get to the
bottom of things. She knows that there's so many of
(25:27):
us it has but she doesn't know that we know
because now we all know. But I guess if I'm
a I know I'm not one of the Dexters, But
I do have a question, what is this matter? Yeah?
I do have a good time with Sheila, even if
she is bouncing around from Dexter. She's trying to find
you in all these universes. It's the most romantic thing
(25:48):
I've ever heard in my life. I actually like my
Space alone sometimes it feels nice, little break. Hey, this
is weird. But before she shows up, can we only
drop our pants? I'm very curious. Alright, we're just saying
what we've all been thinking. Okay, okay, let's look, let's look,
(26:09):
not even on the count of three. I'm sorry, did
I just do this too quickly? It's okay, one, two,
and three, we're down, all right, Before you, guys say something,
my universe there are no penises. What wow? Yeah, your
yours is just blurred out. It's a weird place called guys.
In my universe, my penis sings. Penises sing songs. So
(26:35):
that's the same with all of our universes. Okay, yeah,
my my penis is tatted up. Yeah, yeah, you see that,
like that guy from Memento on the bus. We don't
have that movie. That movie. It's like Speed and Memento
and there's like inception and the stuff from the Marble universe.
(26:56):
Stare Ah, Hey, Sheila, Sheila, Hi baby, Hi, Hi baby,
So Sheila, I know this is I'm what what what? What?
(27:24):
What's going on? Guys. That's what we're here to ask you. Okay.
I found out about the multiverses, and I've just been
slipping around and having a good time, and I thought
we were all having a good time. I'm sorry if
I misunderstood. I didn't want this to happen. I just knew.
I knew it. I knew it. The other day when
we were in bed, you said Dexter slightly differently, and
I just knew it. I was thinking of you, one
(27:49):
of you, Sheila. How many more Texters are there? Um, Sheila,
you guys text there's twenty more. There's which multi verse
are you from? Sheila? It's mine? Right? I don't I
(28:09):
don't think. I don't want any one. Does anybody clean
the toilet like I do? No? Absolutely not, Dexter. There
is no one like you. I love these hats, Sheila.
You married that Dexter is my little scrubby scrawer. Did
(28:32):
it mean nothing to you? I mean all those home
bear boy games I took you to nothing. I loved
the games and I love watching you play sports too. Um,
Candies here, Oh don't mind me. I've met Candy at
this Dexter's apartment. She's his moderator when he does stuff. Mom,
(28:53):
excuse me, I was given this address you. I'm Candy.
Wait a second, Candy, I Candy? Oh no, look around
booking all these clothes. I got this mysterious text. Oh
my god, that candy is covered in face tests. Candy,
(29:20):
what happened to us? Very viluptious candy over there? I
wish I wish they were more Sheila's Oh babe, don't
get off me, but get off of me. I can't.
You've got clue on your shirt. Leave me alone? Damn?
What is it about Sheila that there's only one Sheila?
(29:44):
What is it about you? I mean, I don't know,
I think you do. Have you been going to other
I haven't been killing others that. I didn't think you
were that kind of monster. No. I wouldn't go and
kill other versions of myself just so I could add
all the lives of everyone. Well, it sounds exactly like
what you're doing. It does you? Guys didn't even know
(30:06):
about the multiverses. We can kill each other. Oops? Okay,
Hatlas Dexter calmed down. Candy, Oh that's rude doing that
to my body. You're rude. Let's kill a Candy bang Okay, okay,
(30:29):
let's figure this out. Let's figure this out. I think
we can all live in harmony. Bah, I'm gonna kill
everyone in this at warehouse. Listen, I'd like to just
get out of this universe and send me to a
universe where I can find a can we Honestly, I
(30:56):
haven't asked she to marry me, and now that I see,
I'm just a dime. That's a little ring. It's the
only ring I couldn't afford, Sheila. It was the last
of my money. Dexter, look inside your fedora? Oh my god,
where did this come from? I anticipated this. That's the
biggest rock you'll ever see. Don't give it. I'm not
going to give it to shoot Why not, because Dexter,
(31:19):
I don't like you that much. You said you'd like
me more every day, but now I'm starting to like
you less every minute. Well yeah, I think I need
a divorce. Oh my god, Texter, not you singing? Penis?
We need? Are? I guess this is? Is this what
you wanted? Is this what you hope for? I don't
(31:40):
know what I wanted, Guys, it just stuck getting us
all together. Might just get some clarity. How did you
find out. I just you know, he said, I just
knew the way you said my name differently, and that
was hit well. Also, like you have a calendar that's
a Dexter four, Dexter too, Dexter one Wednesday? Which dextra am? I?
Which Dexter am? I? The numbers don't matter. It was arbitrary, fine,
(32:03):
But what number? What arbitrary number did I get you? Sheila?
Let me ask you this. Who's Dexter one? Who's the
original Dexter's the original Dexter mostly original of who is it?
We gotta know the original texter Um he died. I
(32:26):
think I've been chasing all the rest of you boys
when that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard.
He was proposing to me on the Empire States move.
She love, this is the most beautiful place in the world.
I know it's custy, I know it's gusty, but I
just need to do it here. It's right. Oh my gosh,
this is just like I dreamed it. She's like you
(32:48):
just completely. Everything about you was just amazing, and I
just thought it would overlook the most romantic city in
the world, so beautiful. I love you to the end
of the universe, and I love you too, right there?
So u oh really okay, Well, let me go nearer
to the edge here to tie it. Oh it's windy,
you know it's windy, but I want to make sure
I have enough separation in order to tie this properly
(33:10):
and still be on one kneed. I proposed to you.
Oh that's the saddest story ever. That's why you tied
my shoe before we took the elevator up to the
top of the Empire State Building. And that's why number
twenty you always wear velcro, and you you always wear vans,
and that's why you always cook raven stupid for Thanksgiving.
(33:33):
Weird weird Thanksgiving tradition. I always have you noticed that?
It's strange, right, We've only been together a month earlier
Dick asked for a divorce, so I assumed it was longer.
That was that was my Dick. I couldn't tell with
the dance. There's only one world where Dick sing Yeah
that's mine. But hey, that's that's pretty great, right. Yeah.
(33:55):
I love the cleaning and I love the singing Dick.
All right, and so I'm probably like number two. You
guys all ask why I brought you all here today,
and that's because one more dexter is joining us. What
he didn't die that day, Sheila? I don't know. He
(34:16):
jumped on top of the raven. The raven took it
to his nest and raised him, even though he was
already an adult male. He was stuck there until he
finally got away and he tracked me down. Please don't
tell him I've cooked so many of his people. Hey,
we we'll be here in a second. So what are
(34:38):
we gonna do? Oh my god? Twist coming either? What
if we kill him? Now? Why do you want to
kill somebody? Texter? And you're just really the love of
my life? I mean you're all the love of my life,
but he was the first one. I'm like number three though, right, yeah,
very close to that. Well, are you one of those
dexters who only kills people who have killed? No? All right,
(35:03):
that a kid. I can't forgive that. Then, all I'm
saying is Sheila killed all the other sheelas out there.
I said I didn't do that, just because she said
it doesn't I assume she did. Even though she said
she didn't, thank you, but I was still in love
with you. It didn't matter to me. Somebody's coming. I
think that's dextra number one. Oh my god, how do
I look? Guys? Beautiful? He still does the knock Hello, Hello, Yeah,
(35:30):
come in, Holy shit, baby, Oh my god. Yeah, I'm
so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you. I didn't
meet too. I wanted to come back. Were the things
I've done because I thought you were dead. There's a
(35:52):
lot of these guys around. I'm really sorry. Here comes
another raven. This baseball kept on really quick. It's just
easy to keep us sure. Whoa look at all the ravens.
They look exactly like that. One has a huge tattoo
on its face. Though raven is a singing dick. Dexter.
(36:14):
Aren't you curious as to why wait, you contacted? The
dexter who contacted killed fat Candy. Not that anyone was
notice thing, But I just drowned her in a little
acid thing in the back. I noticed, Thank you, So
you welcome would take care of what we would given.
There's a little acid thing in the back. Yeah, there's
a little acid. Get over here, dexter one, Sheila, tell us,
(36:39):
tell me why I shouldn't kill him? Why do you
want us all? You just want to have your cake
and eat it too. Yes, that's what cake is for.
I love you all. Can't we live together and be happy?
You're all the same but different. But we can't live
together because the multi So we could live in the warehouse.
I just want to point out that I am single.
So if they meet Texters are looking for you know what? Hi? Hi,
(37:10):
I'm Texter. I'm Candy. It's nice to meet you. It's
so nice to meet you. What do you say if
we get out of here and grab a dring? Let's
do it? Okay, Bye, I'm Dexter. I'm Candy. I've got
this small ring or I have a giant diamond. We'll
get it sometimes. So nice, all right, I'm Dexter, and
(37:36):
you're the cutest bird I've ever seen you. Mind if
I ride out of you? Right? She's like this, it's
just us. I guess it's just us. So I never
thought this would happen either, did I. It's really we
(38:01):
don't stand too closely. It's the warehouse. She said. No
wind can take me away from you. Not I can't.
How is that true? Most winds aren't that custome. We
were up super high. I'm just saying that most likely
it's not. Let's not argue about that. She lies. I
love you, and let's just build that normal life together
in one universe. Okay. I'm in. I'm in for everything.
(38:25):
I'm in for everything. I'm the real Sheila. She didn't
kill all of that. And that's so many for centers.
(38:48):
All right, here's our last one. It is from fan
Thomas Lawson, who wrote, Hey, y'all, I love the show.
It makes me laugh like a maniac on the subway
every Thursday. My suggestion is this catholically take crime into
their own hands at night once the Vatican closes. Sincerely,
Ryan Lawson. Okay, Cardinal Francis, i'm an. I'm an a bed,
(39:13):
all right, Please go to bed. Okay, you got everything
and you need. I have everything that I need. Okay. Hey,
a good day of prayer today. He was a great
day prayer. I think many people have been saved. Uh.
You think the pontiff is okay? Uh? Of course he's okay,
because he seemed a little weird today. Honestly, he's been
(39:36):
very weird lately. He hasn't been a strange, right, Do
you think there's something up put the pontiff. Are you
talking about the pontiff? Yes, we are talking about I'm awake,
I'm about to go to bed, get little sleep. Did
so much praying to day. How much of praying you
do today though, o' clock o praying? It's a good
(40:00):
that's a very good. A lot on Tuesdays. So that
freeze on my Wednesday. So a cardinal father and a
cardinal how are you're doing? I walk into a bar.
Time it is. I just wanted to come by and
say a good night to my friends. And I've been
(40:25):
a longer day. It's fun, if it's true, just a
weapon for all of you to go to sleep. Sons
are getting there and then getting really tired. I guess
I'll see my last prayers before going to sleep. I'll
do a rosery thing, the clock, one more thing, and
I guess. Okay. So I've sculpt out the periphery and
(40:53):
we're wearing our black masks, right good. We got the
beanies on, got these banded hats and hats. Okay, So
I think we'll um a rope thing to the top
there and then climb up the side of the wall. Yep, yep,
and then by the way, I googled it's called a
grappling hook. I don't, but when you get scientific with me,
it throws me off. And do we want to find it?
Typed the rope thing? A lot of don't don't google
(41:15):
image shirts that So yeah, grappling hook. Okay, so we
go in, we still the art and we're gone. Yep,
that's it easy. Hey, thanks for doing this with me, man,
no problem. I know we hadn't seen each other a
long time and I didn't think you were going to
respond to that Facebook message, but you did, and that
we're here. It's just like being back in college, you know,
just look at you? Shall we? Yeah, let's I went
through the rope thing one? Oh did you hear that?
(41:40):
Did anyone else? Was about another sleep by her or screech?
It sounded like a grappling hook, like a tunk screech Like, yes,
you know what that it's called. Yes, it's a very
specific world for a very specific thing. Yes, I mean
when you say it, I know it. But if you
tested me on it wouldn't have Yeah, rope thing exactly. Well,
I believe it comes from the letting root, grapple and
(42:01):
an ink hook. Yes, we all know. Well, we know Latin,
I think that we might need to defend ourselves from criminals.
You'll think of the grappling hook has a criminals on
the other end of the week. I don't know what
what have you ever had a grappling hook that wasn't
from the farious reason? I've never even done a thing
(42:22):
with the grappin never know either. I'm getting so sleepy.
You know, it always could be a criminals who are
trying to break in and steal art from the verticant.
I mean, it makes sense. We got a lot of
arts we gotta let the could to be standing trying
to steal the Sistine chapel, or they could be looking
for the wine. You think they try to steal the
(42:43):
entire Sistine Chapel. You never know helped me pull this
trunk from underneath my bed. What do you got in here? Well,
it's a series of protective outfits and weapons. Oh my god,
I don't know what have you been doing? Cardenal is
up to something. The Good Lord saves those who helped
(43:04):
to save themselves. Yes, Matthew too too, Yes, very good.
I was written that today this is our three This
is the equivalent of swat gear. Here put Riot gear on.
I've always wanted to do this, to say, I have
a bunch of movies about this kind of thing, and
it's exciting, you know. I wish I could have something
express so I do not have. Hey, Jason, this is embarrassing.
(43:30):
I'm getting tired, dude. Can we rereast for one second? Yeah? Sure,
let's just kind of hang on the side of that
smart man, ain't man scranella bar. Do you have any
of those little uh like it's kind of like a
red stick and you use it to put like cheese
product on pretzels or crackers? Oh? Man, to taking me back.
(43:51):
I love those, And it's even the feeling of the
red stick was so specific. I can feel it on
my tongue. Now do you know how many of those
will be able to buy when we say all the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? I mean, yeah, do they
even make him anymore? I guess they do. They'll make them.
Now them, we're gonna command that kind of money. While
we're on this break, let's let's go over the game
(44:12):
plan again. Sure, how we're going to take the entire
Sisteine Chapel? All right, Well, we we got the grappling hooks. Yeah,
we're going up the side of the chapel, which is
so far working out her perfectly. We're halfway. It's good
um to be break into the skylight that people don't
know is there. Okay, that puts us right there on
on the roof of it kind of it. So I'm
(44:32):
I'm really clear up to that point. So what I'm
thinking is thank you for the espresso, by the way,
very strong. Hello, Hello. I think we should just find
the word the grappling noise come from aim down and shoot,
oh the shoot to the bottom of the whatever is
attached to the rope to lly. But we should wear masks.
(44:55):
We don't want anyone to see the want to get
dressed up when when we show the way a mask
because we don't want to inhale any any blood blood
or smoke mine. That's good and they Sista is always
under construction. So these are lots of dust. You know,
there's a long, long tunnel to get us to the
sixteen chapel, so we should head out. Oh yes, who's
(45:17):
going to lead the way? Not I not me? Okay,
we are on top. How could this view? I mean,
get out my list here and check that one off.
We're done two done too down. Put that list away
for one second. Okay, but just look around. Look at
that me, me and j Mac. That's right, I mean
(45:37):
the mac daddy. Hey, what's going on? Guys? Whoa Hey,
I'm I'm Dan Brown. I'm researching a new book. Oh oh, hey,
Damn Brown. Oh my god. Yeah, it's me Dan Brown.
I'm also very familiar. I wrote Angels and Demons that okay, Yeah, hi, guys,
I'm sorry. Sorry to interrupt you. I just saw Dan
(45:58):
Brown walking around and I just wanted to get us
out of her him. Can you enjoy my really short chapters?
I really do. It's so easy to read. I can
just read it whatever, that's the goal. Can I you
sign this for me? I don't want to butt in.
But she's single. Sorry you're single. And there's something here. Gosh,
(46:19):
it's pretty up here. It's really it's a great view
with so many pigeons down there. I thought there'd be
more up here nighttime strolls. Up here, You guys are
lucky because I have built an underground tunnel with the
help of Elon Musk. It will be a quick trip
to desisting trapel you built the tunel with Elon. I'm
(46:42):
I'm an independently wealthy cardinal and superhero. I actually listened
to this confession so many so with superhero Vigilante. Is
that's why you have really long nails? Or is that
(47:02):
something else? That's the intention? And they have not coming
useful yet, they are really long. I thought it was
for some you know, cocaine. I did not scratching something.
I didn't know a man of the cloth would do cocaine. Oh, no,
do you do cocaine? No? Leave him alone? Wait do
you do cocaine? No? One do one cocaine. We're so sleepy.
(47:25):
We were just tired because we're tired, and then we
got better with this cress cocaine. Here, this is the
next level coke though, this is the stuff. This is
the coke everybody wanted. I engineered this coke along. We've
got the problem on our hands. Great to meet you.
You've got the crazy brain from Jesus. Here's a little
(47:47):
thing we heard the grapple hook. Were you coming to
the tunnel? Thanks for making it. We got to go
get the bad guys, I guess and Cardinal is of Agilante.
That's all you're called up and super hero. Actually, Ellon
knew that because I hired him to make such a tunnel.
A right, this is a super advanced tunnel. Guys, check
(48:08):
your cell phones, they're charging. That's right in the room.
I wish I had it. I feel like we should
name you a saint or something. Ellen. He's got to
do at least the two more miracles. Alright, Well, if
I ever finished that hyper loop, that counts is one. Right, Look, Cozy,
I could use a little bump, just a little bump.
(48:31):
There you go. This is serious though, This is some
good stuff. Oh yes, I guess I could try for
the first time ever? Have never have done this? Well,
this is definitely the stuff to start. Seems like you
knew how to do that. I just I guess I
should try something for the first for the first time.
I could be the first time today, right yeah, yeah,
So why I you know, I don't want to get
(48:53):
in your guy's way. I'm just just here observed. Look,
you seems like a real playboy. Dan. If I were,
you would go grab those two chicks. We're just all
over you. Man in she's a freaks that free. I'll
tell you what. The one screaming that is probably also
singing on. If she's not, you can make that ship happen. Anyway, Well,
they're turned on by my hot mathematician character. Go get them, man,
I mean this just confirms the old adage Dan Brown fuss.
(49:16):
Yeah yeah, yeah he didn't. Before you leave, I feel
like you're a friend almost since books. We're about to
pull off a gigantic heist. Um that's that. Well, you're
you're clearly you're breaking into the sis. And you can
tell that, right, you can tell like, we look good, right,
(49:36):
you look amazing. Okay, so we're gonna we're our planets?
Is still the entire Sistine chapel? Silling? Sorry I always
say I always say the entire chapel, Like this guy
in college would exaggerate all the times. Dude, it was
four women I slept right. So anyway, man, you need
(49:57):
to leave us now. Okay, you got it. You are
the man. So do you think they're really going to
take the whole chapel? I feel my body go boom
boom boom tunnel. You guys should very much keep serious.
We're trying to defend the sustinct travel. Let's get it.
Let's kill him. I want to kill him on drink
their blood. I think of the art piece is called
(50:19):
the hand of God maybe, or something like, let's take
the hand of God of their asses and then kill
women and get off of them. Brandy long another I
wouldn't do. Oh no, well, she's going to actually be
able to talk to Jesus now, so alright, by this
is when we stopped talking and going to the side
(50:40):
silent mode and steal, stop grambling hook, stealth mode. Where's
Dan Brown? Quiet? Ladies? Quiet? I wanted to give him
my number. I wanted to give him. I wanted to
give him my dad. Okay, quick question, eat, you're looking
for a good time? Yeah, I mean we come to
(51:03):
Vatican City for no other reason. We just got back
from Froghead, the bar in the Vatican City. You know
the one. Do you ladies like to party? Yeah, Cardinal Frogs,
That's what it was. Calm, So what do you say?
What do you say? I want to bring in? All right?
(51:25):
She came some some of the ore below. Hey, throw
me that rope thing. It's a grappling hook. You've done
this so stupid. I got the second one, you got
the first one? Which one is the second one? The
one that you called it a grappling hook. Okay, I'll
take the first one because you called it a rope thing.
You guys are connect. I got the first one, Okay, Okay,
I get the second, which first. I don't know. They
look the same to me, Like, what's going on? Our
(51:49):
life is so crazy? We're like so amazing. God is
totally on our side. Yes he is. Jesus is my
little Now that's them right there is that Dan Brown
walking away. He's always sticking his nose. He would leave.
He's going to turn around the paintings to make it
look like this is a thing. But the sailing I
(52:13):
was hanging onto the sailing one of my hands. That
you're just a scale to the side of the wall.
That problem for me. Let me know if you need
me to climb a wall and me and Danny Brown
go way back. I'm working on an adaptation that will
make a good film of one of his books. They
haven't done that yet, So that's that's my next project. So, um,
(52:38):
before we hook up, which I'm assuming we're going to
do tonight, like literally, with this grapple hook that would
wrap you up. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean
that I was thinking maybe you could help us on
this kind of cool excursion we're about to do. We're
about to steal the entire bro, don't do it. I
(52:59):
know this confusing. I know that I look like you.
I'm I'm waiting from another universe. Okay, my god, we've
always wanted to do with Robert. You're right, but don't
try to rob the Sistine Chapter with these two girls. Dude,
come on, don't cock bock yourself. Yeah, hey man me,
don't cock block me. Look I tried it. Bro. Bro Bro,
guys stop. Don't listen to him about stopping not don't
(53:22):
listen to this guy. Don't listen to this guy. Ladies, ladies,
listen to me. Listen to me. You do not want
to hook up with these guys. Okay, why not? Because
the hook? Because the hook? That was a bad idea,
A really bad idea. Don't I have another me? What's
wrong with me? What is wrong with you? Does this
go wrong for me? Is this it for me? Steal
(53:46):
it for me? By the power of God, you will
not get away with this thievery. I'm not I'm gonna you.
Are you talking to me? We're talking to all seven?
If you on top of this, the twins, the girls,
where's the where's the other? This other criminal? He's gone? Well, God,
(54:11):
my serious, race, you can't stop us. Only person who
could stop us would be Saint Elan himself. And I
don't see him anywhere until you see these crimes and
things that's going to be happening to little Are you okay?
What that woman's mouth is full of blood? Ship dum dumn?
(54:35):
You got God? Guys, attack him? Are not you Carnival?
You're not supposed to be okay? Do you use your
nails that hold on quick? Use that not the flamethrower
on him. Yep, here you go. And while this diversion
(54:59):
was creazy by the multiverse themes and the coked up
priests and Elon Musk and superheroes who walked away with
the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel me Dan Brown, damn,
We're not going to publish this book, all right, Thank
(55:23):
to you everybody. Chris Alvarado, Yeah, you can find me
at Chris Alvarado just shout out of the streets and
hoo come Vanessa. Hi. You can look at Dynasty Typewriters Instagram,
which is Dynasty Typewriter or my personal one, which is boring. Okay,
(55:44):
all right, but I love myself. Everything fun at Kikowski
on Twitter. Also at Craigslist peacast for the Craigslist podcast
in which I review my one favorite movies with my
wife Carlo, which I'm bring you on now. Uh. We
have been spinning our wheels trying to get to Apocalypse
Now for the best months. But we'll get it. Feels
(56:05):
like we're on a thousand, but yeah, we have sixteen
to go. Nice James Heity. Please check out Brief News
Brief dot com and they can see comedy news twice
a week. Carla Uh Instagram and Twitter at Carla Kakowski.
I'm Cole Stratton. You can find me on Twitter and
(56:27):
Instagram at col Stratton at Stratton Cole. I had reversed
it in one of them. I think it's Instagram col
stradd dot com as well. Big thanks to our engineer
Doug Babe, our post on design artist Raphael Brito, producer
Sophie Lichtman, and lastly, I heart media listeners. Please keep listening,
review and subscribe, write some reviews. It's very helpful for
(56:49):
the podcast, and you can write us and give us
your ideas for some of these wacky scenarios at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. So you know
you can do less wacky scenarios than could be more
people like, like three of your favorite words would be enough,
just a place. My suggestion is three people watch paint
(57:09):
dry Strike and writ us at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Thanks everybody for listening.
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy this I'm your
guest host, Cold Stratton. Yes, back, Cold Stratton. What's that sure?
Why not? I will have the extra crispy with a
side of shame. Thanks, But I digress for Kevin Pollock's instructions.
By definition, alchemy is quote when a person or persons
creates something through a seemingly magical process and by the
(00:22):
power invested in me by professional field hockey odds maker
Kevin Pollock. I'm happy to welcome you all to another
episode of Alchemy thisst So let's meet today's Alchemishelle in
no particular orders, say hello to James. He first, ye,
I'm sorry, Sorry for a loop. James, On any given day,
do you prefer tuna fish or raising us? Oh? God,
(00:43):
raisin nuts easily. Yeah, you're the easiest. Opening from next up,
it's Vanessa Raglan Vanessa. If you had to name a
child after a planet, which one? And how come? Oh? Oh,
planets Mars? You gotta call your kid like that? Mars,
(01:05):
I guess because it's Red. No, Saturn, the rings, that's
the one Saturn. Great question. Hey it's Craig at causey
Craig I left you fish cry, and if so, why
they cry because of their tiny brains and they don't
understand what's happening most of the time, and the oceans
(01:26):
are dying and they are filled with that can really
stressed you out by thinking that they're always crying, but
you can't tell they're constantly can't tell the way their
tears look out cat lovers, it's Chris Alvarado. Chris A
if I speak by later? What kind of dessert should
(01:47):
I pick up? Um? Cole brew and cocaine sat because
of the ring And last, but hands down my favorite
one here, it's Carla Kakowski. Was that you or Kevin?
Who I mean? It's Kevin, but it's me to it?
(02:08):
And uh okay, call of the Improvement over, Joey Greer,
thank you name. What's something about our dear alchemist Craig
We never knew he sobs at the voice, so you
can't tell because I'm underwater. Chairs turn their chair, start
(02:30):
to finish. We should do that every episode. Only something
we don't know. All right, let's get to our first scene.
As all of today's see suggestions were gathered from our
listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please write
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
(02:51):
This emails from Joseph Kester, who wrote, good morning Crew.
Thursday is not my favorite day of the week because
it's the last work day and also new episode day.
I just have to find something to get me through
the other days of my contribution to society. James, don't
let the others bring you down. You are just as
(03:11):
funny as them, and my hero picked up on all
the subjects. My suggestion this time is two animal rights
activists go undercover working at a zoo with a plan
to release all the animals on their first training day
when no one is looking. I hope the white performance
(03:32):
went great, Joseph, Let's go, I mean position ted, I'm
in position alright, alright, alright, I'm on brake. Still use
the walkies. Okay, don't use the walkie. Look at me.
Today's a big day. You know, today's a big, big day.
I know what. Excuse me? Where's the gorilla house? Okay?
(03:58):
And then just keep going. It's got the picture of
a gorilla above the door. Do you like the girl
is here? Honestly, they're pretty violent. They're aggressive. That's not cool.
If it's cool, it's really fun. Enjoy your day, have
some fun. Okay, you could have been more friendly. What's
going on? Um? I don't feel comfortable with this? What
(04:23):
what don't you feel? You know who doesn't feel comfortable?
Every fucking animal that's caged up here? Okay, it is
our mission to release them. I just feel like maybe
there's going to be some unintended butterfly effect ripples in
the water. What if somebody gets hurt by a goddamn gorilla?
Those gorillas are already being hurt by goddamn people, Luke,
(04:44):
people and gorillas are different. If you're not excuse me,
that was the reptile house direction. I say left, Yeah,
you said left and go. I met right. He's into
theater stage directions. Now I want to now, I want
to see the holar bears straight. Hey, how come you
guys are talking on your wakes when you're standing right
(05:04):
next to each other making sure they work? Hey, listen,
little punks, how come you seem so mad? Okay, listen,
I don't need to answer everyone of your questions. Okay
you did, Luke. Do we have a problem here? No? No, no, no,
I'm a zoo floor manager as you could tell. I'm sure.
How can I help you? Guys? Gorilla? Are I wish
I was Joan Embery. She's my hero and my hair inspirations. Okay,
(05:29):
the gorillas are going to be just straight down that
way past the shady grove, take a left at the
first oak. Are they all one big happy family? Oh?
They are. They love it here and we love them.
You're you're great right here? You want to be a
junior zoo katier? Thanks? Yeah, and thanks for this hat?
Or you guys have a magical day. Hold on whenever.
(05:53):
Whenever we go somewhere and someone's nice to me, my
mom always says we should tip them. So I'm gonna
tip you. Here's fifty bucks. No, well, you know what
I'm gonna do with this, If it's all right, If
I keep it, I would love to donate it to
some of my favorite marsupials. Oh, marsupials are from Australia.
Very good. Yes, we're having a more supial birthday party
(06:14):
tonight at midnight. We'll stick around. Yeah, I'm going to
hang out. Our mom just gave us tons of money
and sent us to the zoo for the day. Unfortunately,
the more Supial birthday party is staff only. Um, but
I hope you guys have a great day. Okay, if
you need anything else, come and find me the best. Okay, suck,
but you're the best. What the fun is going on? Nothing?
(06:37):
Just I think Ted's having a bad day. Ted. I
just feel sometimes like we're not taking care of the
animals the way that we should. Well, that's on you
if that's happening. I'm taking care of the animals. Are
you really going to put that towards the animals? Yes,
I'm going to buy the more Supials a birthday cake.
Well that would be a step in the right direction.
(06:58):
Where is this coming from? I don't know. I guess
you don't know what's going on. He doesn't know. I'm
I'm here in a mission, Pat, not just to be
a good customer service person, not just to be an
animal feeder. You know what, Luke, Let's tie her up
(07:20):
really quick first. It's important. We're going to tell you
some things. No Pat, Pat Pat Okay, Oh excuse me, guys,
these guys were trying to tie me up the middle
(07:41):
in the middle of Zoo Square. Look, yeah, I know
you guys are new here. But yeah, we're just new here,
that's all it is. And the floor manager and these
zookeeper junets are trying to tie me up in the
middle of Look, we got some zebras that need to
get fed. Okay, pat Audrey, the campbell has the flu
Oh no, Jim, I'm saying it. So I gotta I
(08:03):
got a puller from display for the chair. Are we
gonna uthanizer? Hope nuthanized? No, it's the flu it's bed
rested fluids it Oh, Jim, I got I got a
question to ask you about this pipe that's around this
corner right behind the restrooms, because I show it to you.
You're talking to me and just followed me for a second.
Come right this way. I see that you are a
(08:27):
junior zoo person. I am. I have the hat. That's awesome.
That's awesome. And there's your little brother. Are your brother?
I assume? Yeah, I'm older, cool, awesome, So obviously I
work here. So um I have keys all the different cages. Cages. Yeah, Now,
let me ask you a question. What's your favorite thing
(08:48):
about the zebras? Um? I like how they are black
and white, and um, I want to touch one. Yeah,
how about you, budd well, I think most people say stripes,
but that seems too easy. You're hey, don't be mean.
I like that they swapped flies with their tails. Very cool, now,
don't he's such a nerd. Happy birthday, Shanning got you
(09:11):
some eucalyptus leaves. Are lucky that this is very nice?
Thank you so much. I've got you a little bit
of a country than you. I know the party is
not to midnight, but I wanted to give you a
gift early. That's sweet. I think the staff is doing something,
but it showed us mean a lot to get them
something from a cell mate. I was planning to just
sit on this tree for hours, not move much. That's
what I was going to do. You know, eating it
(09:33):
makes me so sleepy. You no, You see, gorillas are
complaining lately about what their living scenario here. They don't
like it. You got word from the grillas? How he
told you what? The grill is a sign? Ye chichi him.
He's popping around all the time. He came around. He's
got the gossip or not. Gorillas aren't happy, happy big.
(09:54):
They've got a lot of energy they do. What are
they going to do. That's going to ruin my party
and massively that I didn't a break tonight on my
party night, don't I know? It's a mall sleup your
birthday party featuring me. I don't think that's called This
is where the pipe? Where did Ted go? Look? I
(10:14):
you asked us to come with you say a leaky pie? Okay,
hold onto this rope? Really tight, both of you. Okay,
it is building exercise. I'm going to run around you
as many times I can without getting dizzy. And we've
(10:36):
been tied together together. It was not an ice breaker.
She thought it was an ice breaker. All right, guys.
So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you
a key. Now this opens the gorilla house, and I'm
gonna give you what's your favorite animal? Tiger. I'm gonna
give you the tiger key. There you go, shaped like
a tiger. Yes, yes, okay, what's your favorite animal? I
(11:03):
like audi and I guess pick one. Okay, one with
fever is one with fins. Okay, So here's the ostrich
and you're saying fins. Okay. Well, here's a hammer and
you can just go and smack that into any aquarium
you see Mr Luke, Mr. When when when we when
(11:24):
we opened the cages and they come out, what do
we do then? Scream? Okay, now this is important. That's
a great question. Scream let them be free? Can we
try that? One to three? Let them be free and
then it'll be a fun zoo day for everybody. Sound good?
Can I sure? Young gun? Yeah? Sure, Jesus, don't use
(11:44):
it on me, just desting. Okay, So why don't you
go find the gorillas? You go find the tigers, and
you go find That's right? And why do we say?
Do you guys have watches? No? I didn't even know
what ties. Okay, So all right, dude, I got a
time agotchi. Okay, how about this? How about we all
(12:05):
count you a hundred? Okay, when we when you when
you get to a hundred, just turn the key and
open the cages. But do we start now? I don't
even know, doubt, what do you say? I don't know, Hey,
qualits something. Something weird is going on today. I don't
(12:26):
know he's signing that you're signed something about the grillas. Yeah,
I was telling something about the gorillas. They're unhappy with
their enclosure. But I don't know. Something weird is in
the air today, looks and anyways, okay, all over the zoo.
Just something weird's happening. Okay, is it the gorillas? Look,
(12:51):
the clamendia has got into your brain. It does each
up there? Um? Is it the make cats? Then he's
popping her on? Yeah? Yeah, the mere cats are are
looking out for danger. They're all looking in the same direction.
It's weird. They're looking east where they realize that nine
(13:14):
let them be Ted. Come in. I know you think
I'm ted. I'm Luke your ted. I know what the
hell is going on. I've tied up the I've tied
up pet and gym. Well, the legal, the legal. I'm
(13:37):
so sorry. Okay, he muffled you. He didn't muffle me
for some reason. Look, I don't know if you're saying
you love me, but I love you bad. I've loved
you since the first day I worked at the zoo.
We're now in code black. It is officially code black.
(13:59):
So it's too late to turn back. What is it
too late to turn back? You're standing right next to
each other. Just talk talk to each other. Okay, Yeah,
all the all the animals have been freed or most
of them. Is anybody hurt? The kids get hurt. Audrey
has the flu. It's gonna get to everyone. Which was Audrey.
She's the camel. Oh, she's been set free. Now I
(14:24):
think we should kill him, but I think we should
let the gorillas love you Tube. I'll leave my wife. Yes,
Mr Gorilla, I want to be your friend. You look
so angry, but now you're free and you can be
whatever you want to be. Like. Um, you could go
(14:47):
to law school if you want to do. Ye. Welcome
to law school, everybody. I'm gonna take a tendance quickly. Okay, Um,
Donny Carter here, great? Uh, Messa Raglan here, terrific Um.
Peter Bogdanovitch, Yes, I'm Peter bogdanovan I directed the Last
(15:10):
Picture Show Okay and Personal Friends with and Gary Gorilla Turfy.
Today we will be doing mock debates. Peter, excuse me?
Is this a farce? Is this some sort of screwball comedy? No,
this is law school, because I do love screwball comedy.
(15:32):
That works of Howard Hawks are our fantasy. Save your
opinions for the debate. Save your opinions for the debate.
For the debate, you will be going up against Gary um,
and you will be discussing the very famous court thing. Um,
Kyle versus Derek Elliott. What are you doing up here?
(15:55):
This is not your professor, This is my nephew. Elliott
is not supposed to be here. Easier. Yeah no, he's
really promising young but his name is not Dairy. No,
it's just Gorilla. So let's learn how to shout out
objection three. Objection, Hi, welcome to the urgent care. Um.
(16:18):
I see here that you have the flu um. I
see a gigantic hump on your back. I think you
can look at fat as well. Um, and you other symptoms.
Oh yeah, okay, okay, we'll probably just give you some antibiotics. Um,
you need some electroc lights, that's for sure. Excuse me, doctor,
(16:40):
I don't always you guys always do this. You guys
always do this. It's not an accident. So we always
meet cute, but we are not together, not together that together.
It's funn to let you know that. In our room too,
there's two r animal rights activists who got their armstrow,
not by grillas. So if you want to head a
millar okay. And I was just going to say, if
you want me to youth and as the camel, happy
to do it. I think let's try electric lights first. Okay, okay, terrific,
(17:07):
it was worth it, I don't think so. I don't
What am I gonna do now? I don't know, man,
this isn't covered by health and stripe for another cause?
As that the whole point here? I think we really
blew at that time? What time? The time when we
got a harms ripped off? Luo? Today you guys are
a mess. Yeah, but we had a good time. We
(17:31):
had a great time. I wrote the tiger right out
of the yeah stretches funny guys, alright, remaining my sippials
on three happy baby. Gross. Oh, this is a horrible
(17:52):
birth day. What are you looking at? Just eat my friends?
Eat the birthday girl, Eat the birthday girl. I've got clamardia.
You get it in your guts? How did you get
clamidia from my friends? You guys party over here. I'm
(18:13):
a party animal. Okay, what do you want? Just killed?
All my friends are gonna take a minute to swamy? Okay, Well, um,
I don't know. I like to just get nuts. Is that? Good,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I know the Bobo
seems guilty beating all those defenses. Mortil almost simple girl.
(18:36):
Peter Bogdan Events for the prosecution, Ladies and gentlemen. Lord
Peter went through last school fast. The next fast suggestion
is from Kyle Smith, who wrote, Hey everyone, how Chemy.
(18:58):
This brings a new challenge every week discovering new ways
the hide fits of laughter at my office job. Really
love your work. I'd like to suggest the following a
meeting of the multiverses where the representatives are all different
versions of the same person. One rep claims to be
the real one because she arranged the meeting through Sci
Fi Shenanigan's keep up the great work. I really wish
we lived in l As so we could see her shows. Kyle, Well, Kyle.
(19:20):
Before we get to the Alchemy, Kevin Regie email wanted
you all to know that the first live on stage
Alchemy this podcast performance was about a week or so ago,
and it was a monstrous success, so much so that
there will be many more and in a theater near you. Kyle.
Kevin also wanted me to ask you all to include
your city and or theater so he can let you
know when the show will be traveling to your town.
(19:41):
Oh okay, so there does ousa? Is that Kyle of
Kyle versus Derek here is here? Is? Okay? So now
let the multiverses of the same person collide. Um. I
(20:01):
don't know what I'm doing here. This is awkward to
say the least. Um. I woke up and got out
of bed, and here I am. You look exactly like me.
I got a text. It's gave me this address, and
now I'm here. You look like us. Oh my god,
(20:25):
it's identical. Look. None of you guys are the real Dexter.
That's not true. I'm the I'm the real Dexter. I
have a passport that says Dexter. Okay, anyone could get
a fake passport made. You have tattoos all over your face,
you can't be the real Texter. Yeah. I mean I
(20:45):
I started getting tats when I was sixteen. Man, Until
I have every available space of my face covered with tats,
I'm not gonna be living my full life, all right? Okay? Why? Why? Okay?
I have a lot of questions. Also, who went into
this warehouse space? I mean, who sent us here? Who?
How did you guys know? It? As weird? I got
(21:06):
a text as well. That would be me Dexter, Dexter,
Hi Texter, and Dexter. I'm Dexter. I mean it just
like me, except you're wearing a weird hat. That's right.
I brought us all different hats so we could tell
ourselves apart. And I'm Candy and I'm just going to
(21:26):
be moderating the session. So if any of y'all want
to have your voices heard, um, I'll just feel here.
Had just taken that. It's okay, cool, Thanks Candy. Absolutely Dexter,
Dexter exx. This is so weird. I don't know what's
going on. Can I get dips on the Fedora? Sure? Sure,
here you go, so your Fedora Dexter. I will take
the beret, great Beret Dexter. Are we do we all
(21:47):
live in the same city? Do you guys all live here?
So you don't get a hat? Your hatless Dexter. I
live in Cleveland. I live in Cleveland. I mean I
live in I did live in Cleveland. And do I
need a hat since, as we've covered already, I'm covered
in face tests. Yeah, I'm good, okay, And I of
course have the propeller beaty, which will still confidence in me. Okay,
(22:09):
so what makes you the dexter in charge? He brought
me only an authority figure would bring a moderator. That's true.
That's a good point. Also, he rented the space. Do
we owe you for that? Or are you covering that?
I got it, I got it, dexter broke. Look you
all here here for a reason, all right? And to
(22:33):
do with our girlfriend, my girlfriend and Sheila. Yep, Sheila's
my girlfriend. I'm marly in love with Sheila. I was
going to ask Sheila to marry me, but all I
can buy is this stupid ring. That's the thing. The
only constant in all the universes, all the multiverses, is
that we're dating and or engaged to and or about
(22:56):
to break up with Sheila Sheila. Okay, so you okay,
which version are you? Are you with her? Yeah? I'm
with her. I just kind of I don't want this
to be weird. I'm just a little upset. Just tell me.
Is there multiple Sheila's or is there just one? I
(23:17):
knew it. I fucking knew it. Look, I'm I'm liking
the like one month with Sheila, it's been great so far.
It's just been two years two years in. Yeah, it's great.
It's only getting better. How about you, guys, I've been
married to Sheila for five years now. Oh my gosh,
I was going to ask her to marry me because
I felt like she was going to leave me for
somebody She's never around. So so what was the answer
(23:40):
to that question? It's the same. I didn't get the
answer to the question either. Is there just one? She
bounces from Dexter to dexter? Think about it, Think about
the weird excuses she does. She just suddenly has to
leave the round. She has so many jobs, she works
as a hard worker. She's unemployed. She says she's a
she's a part of the gig economy. She's got she
(24:02):
she's driving for Lift and Uber. Yeah, and she lift
and Uber in Cleveland, both of them plenty. In my universe,
it's called uh pedal and belt Pedal and belt. Yeah,
it's weird, weird bespoke culture. Sorry to interject, I've met
(24:26):
Sheila when she's bounced in our area. Yes, absolutely, wow.
So why would Sheila want to be dating five different
dexters in five different universe? Wouldn't she think about it?
We probably all highlight a really great aspect of ourselves.
For instance, you're obviously very artsy. Yeah, I mean there's
(24:46):
are all over your face and I've got a gallery
opening next week. Okay, that makes a lot of say
it's always been terrible at art. Me too. What are
you guys good at I'm really good at cleaning. That's
a huge thing. That's huge, isn't you know how we
were all good at football growing up? But then we
blew out our knee in high school. I didn't blow
(25:06):
up my knee. I want pro Wow, that's right. That's
how I can afford this warehouse space. That's right, Candy.
But here's the thing. She let us know this. But
she's coming here and she's gonna have to face all
of us together. Oh yeah, we're gonna get to the
bottom of things. She knows that there's so many of
(25:27):
us it has but she doesn't know that we know
because now we all know. But I guess if I'm
a I know I'm not one of the Dexters, But
I do have a question, what is this matter? Yeah?
I do have a good time with Sheila, even if
she is bouncing around from Dexter. She's trying to find
you in all these universes. It's the most romantic thing
(25:48):
I've ever heard in my life. I actually like my
Space alone sometimes it feels nice, little break. Hey, this
is weird. But before she shows up, can we only
drop our pants? I'm very curious. Alright, we're just saying
what we've all been thinking. Okay, okay, let's look, let's look,
(26:09):
not even on the count of three. I'm sorry, did
I just do this too quickly? It's okay, one, two,
and three, we're down, all right, Before you, guys say something,
my universe there are no penises. What wow? Yeah, your
yours is just blurred out. It's a weird place called guys.
In my universe, my penis sings. Penises sing songs. So
(26:35):
that's the same with all of our universes. Okay, yeah,
my my penis is tatted up. Yeah, yeah, you see that,
like that guy from Memento on the bus. We don't
have that movie. That movie. It's like Speed and Memento
and there's like inception and the stuff from the Marble universe.
(26:56):
Stare Ah, Hey, Sheila, Sheila, Hi baby, Hi, Hi baby,
So Sheila, I know this is I'm what what what? What?
(27:24):
What's going on? Guys. That's what we're here to ask you. Okay.
I found out about the multiverses, and I've just been
slipping around and having a good time, and I thought
we were all having a good time. I'm sorry if
I misunderstood. I didn't want this to happen. I just knew.
I knew it. I knew it. The other day when
we were in bed, you said Dexter slightly differently, and
I just knew it. I was thinking of you, one
(27:49):
of you, Sheila. How many more Texters are there? Um, Sheila,
you guys text there's twenty more. There's which multi verse
are you from? Sheila? It's mine? Right? I don't I
(28:09):
don't think. I don't want any one. Does anybody clean
the toilet like I do? No? Absolutely not, Dexter. There
is no one like you. I love these hats, Sheila.
You married that Dexter is my little scrubby scrawer. Did
(28:32):
it mean nothing to you? I mean all those home
bear boy games I took you to nothing. I loved
the games and I love watching you play sports too. Um,
Candies here, Oh don't mind me. I've met Candy at
this Dexter's apartment. She's his moderator when he does stuff. Mom,
(28:53):
excuse me, I was given this address you. I'm Candy.
Wait a second, Candy, I Candy? Oh no, look around
booking all these clothes. I got this mysterious text. Oh
my god, that candy is covered in face tests. Candy,
(29:20):
what happened to us? Very viluptious candy over there? I
wish I wish they were more Sheila's Oh babe, don't
get off me, but get off of me. I can't.
You've got clue on your shirt. Leave me alone? Damn?
What is it about Sheila that there's only one Sheila?
(29:44):
What is it about you? I mean, I don't know,
I think you do. Have you been going to other
I haven't been killing others that. I didn't think you
were that kind of monster. No. I wouldn't go and
kill other versions of myself just so I could add
all the lives of everyone. Well, it sounds exactly like
what you're doing. It does you? Guys didn't even know
(30:06):
about the multiverses. We can kill each other. Oops? Okay,
Hatlas Dexter calmed down. Candy, Oh that's rude doing that
to my body. You're rude. Let's kill a Candy bang Okay, okay,
(30:29):
let's figure this out. Let's figure this out. I think
we can all live in harmony. Bah, I'm gonna kill
everyone in this at warehouse. Listen, I'd like to just
get out of this universe and send me to a
universe where I can find a can we Honestly, I
(30:56):
haven't asked she to marry me, and now that I see,
I'm just a dime. That's a little ring. It's the
only ring I couldn't afford, Sheila. It was the last
of my money. Dexter, look inside your fedora? Oh my god,
where did this come from? I anticipated this. That's the
biggest rock you'll ever see. Don't give it. I'm not
going to give it to shoot Why not, because Dexter,
(31:19):
I don't like you that much. You said you'd like
me more every day, but now I'm starting to like
you less every minute. Well yeah, I think I need
a divorce. Oh my god, Texter, not you singing? Penis?
We need? Are? I guess this is? Is this what
you wanted? Is this what you hope for? I don't
(31:40):
know what I wanted, Guys, it just stuck getting us
all together. Might just get some clarity. How did you
find out. I just you know, he said, I just
knew the way you said my name differently, and that
was hit well. Also, like you have a calendar that's
a Dexter four, Dexter too, Dexter one Wednesday? Which dextra am? I?
Which Dexter am? I? The numbers don't matter. It was arbitrary, fine,
(32:03):
But what number? What arbitrary number did I get you? Sheila?
Let me ask you this. Who's Dexter one? Who's the
original Dexter's the original Dexter mostly original of who is it?
We gotta know the original texter Um he died. I
(32:26):
think I've been chasing all the rest of you boys
when that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard.
He was proposing to me on the Empire States move.
She love, this is the most beautiful place in the world.
I know it's custy, I know it's gusty, but I
just need to do it here. It's right. Oh my gosh,
this is just like I dreamed it. She's like you
(32:48):
just completely. Everything about you was just amazing, and I
just thought it would overlook the most romantic city in
the world, so beautiful. I love you to the end
of the universe, and I love you too, right there?
So u oh really okay, Well, let me go nearer
to the edge here to tie it. Oh it's windy,
you know it's windy, but I want to make sure
I have enough separation in order to tie this properly
(33:10):
and still be on one kneed. I proposed to you.
Oh that's the saddest story ever. That's why you tied
my shoe before we took the elevator up to the
top of the Empire State Building. And that's why number
twenty you always wear velcro, and you you always wear vans,
and that's why you always cook raven stupid for Thanksgiving.
(33:33):
Weird weird Thanksgiving tradition. I always have you noticed that?
It's strange, right, We've only been together a month earlier
Dick asked for a divorce, so I assumed it was longer.
That was that was my Dick. I couldn't tell with
the dance. There's only one world where Dick sing Yeah
that's mine. But hey, that's that's pretty great, right. Yeah.
(33:55):
I love the cleaning and I love the singing Dick.
All right, and so I'm probably like number two. You
guys all ask why I brought you all here today,
and that's because one more dexter is joining us. What
he didn't die that day, Sheila? I don't know. He
(34:16):
jumped on top of the raven. The raven took it
to his nest and raised him, even though he was
already an adult male. He was stuck there until he
finally got away and he tracked me down. Please don't
tell him I've cooked so many of his people. Hey,
we we'll be here in a second. So what are
(34:38):
we gonna do? Oh my god? Twist coming either? What
if we kill him? Now? Why do you want to
kill somebody? Texter? And you're just really the love of
my life? I mean you're all the love of my life,
but he was the first one. I'm like number three though, right, yeah,
very close to that. Well, are you one of those
dexters who only kills people who have killed? No? All right,
(35:03):
that a kid. I can't forgive that. Then, all I'm
saying is Sheila killed all the other sheelas out there.
I said I didn't do that, just because she said
it doesn't I assume she did. Even though she said
she didn't, thank you, but I was still in love
with you. It didn't matter to me. Somebody's coming. I
think that's dextra number one. Oh my god, how do
I look? Guys? Beautiful? He still does the knock Hello, Hello, Yeah,
(35:30):
come in, Holy shit, baby, Oh my god. Yeah, I'm
so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you. I didn't
meet too. I wanted to come back. Were the things
I've done because I thought you were dead. There's a
(35:52):
lot of these guys around. I'm really sorry. Here comes
another raven. This baseball kept on really quick. It's just
easy to keep us sure. Whoa look at all the ravens.
They look exactly like that. One has a huge tattoo
on its face. Though raven is a singing dick. Dexter.
(36:14):
Aren't you curious as to why wait, you contacted? The
dexter who contacted killed fat Candy. Not that anyone was
notice thing, But I just drowned her in a little
acid thing in the back. I noticed, Thank you, So
you welcome would take care of what we would given.
There's a little acid thing in the back. Yeah, there's
a little acid. Get over here, dexter one, Sheila, tell us,
(36:39):
tell me why I shouldn't kill him? Why do you
want us all? You just want to have your cake
and eat it too. Yes, that's what cake is for.
I love you all. Can't we live together and be happy?
You're all the same but different. But we can't live
together because the multi So we could live in the warehouse.
I just want to point out that I am single.
So if they meet Texters are looking for you know what? Hi? Hi,
(37:10):
I'm Texter. I'm Candy. It's nice to meet you. It's
so nice to meet you. What do you say if
we get out of here and grab a dring? Let's
do it? Okay, Bye, I'm Dexter. I'm Candy. I've got
this small ring or I have a giant diamond. We'll
get it sometimes. So nice, all right, I'm Dexter, and
(37:36):
you're the cutest bird I've ever seen you. Mind if
I ride out of you? Right? She's like this, it's
just us. I guess it's just us. So I never
thought this would happen either, did I. It's really we
(38:01):
don't stand too closely. It's the warehouse. She said. No
wind can take me away from you. Not I can't.
How is that true? Most winds aren't that custome. We
were up super high. I'm just saying that most likely
it's not. Let's not argue about that. She lies. I
love you, and let's just build that normal life together
in one universe. Okay. I'm in. I'm in for everything.
(38:25):
I'm in for everything. I'm the real Sheila. She didn't
kill all of that. And that's so many for centers.
(38:48):
All right, here's our last one. It is from fan
Thomas Lawson, who wrote, Hey, y'all, I love the show.
It makes me laugh like a maniac on the subway
every Thursday. My suggestion is this catholically take crime into
their own hands at night once the Vatican closes. Sincerely,
Ryan Lawson. Okay, Cardinal Francis, i'm an. I'm an a bed,
(39:13):
all right, Please go to bed. Okay, you got everything
and you need. I have everything that I need. Okay. Hey,
a good day of prayer today. He was a great
day prayer. I think many people have been saved. Uh.
You think the pontiff is okay? Uh? Of course he's okay,
because he seemed a little weird today. Honestly, he's been
(39:36):
very weird lately. He hasn't been a strange, right, Do
you think there's something up put the pontiff. Are you
talking about the pontiff? Yes, we are talking about I'm awake,
I'm about to go to bed, get little sleep. Did
so much praying to day. How much of praying you
do today though, o' clock o praying? It's a good
(40:00):
that's a very good. A lot on Tuesdays. So that
freeze on my Wednesday. So a cardinal father and a
cardinal how are you're doing? I walk into a bar.
Time it is. I just wanted to come by and
say a good night to my friends. And I've been
(40:25):
a longer day. It's fun, if it's true, just a
weapon for all of you to go to sleep. Sons
are getting there and then getting really tired. I guess
I'll see my last prayers before going to sleep. I'll
do a rosery thing, the clock, one more thing, and
I guess. Okay. So I've sculpt out the periphery and
(40:53):
we're wearing our black masks, right good. We got the
beanies on, got these banded hats and hats. Okay, So
I think we'll um a rope thing to the top
there and then climb up the side of the wall. Yep, yep,
and then by the way, I googled it's called a
grappling hook. I don't, but when you get scientific with me,
it throws me off. And do we want to find it?
Typed the rope thing? A lot of don't don't google
(41:15):
image shirts that So yeah, grappling hook. Okay, so we
go in, we still the art and we're gone. Yep,
that's it easy. Hey, thanks for doing this with me, man,
no problem. I know we hadn't seen each other a
long time and I didn't think you were going to
respond to that Facebook message, but you did, and that
we're here. It's just like being back in college, you know,
just look at you? Shall we? Yeah, let's I went
through the rope thing one? Oh did you hear that?
(41:40):
Did anyone else? Was about another sleep by her or screech?
It sounded like a grappling hook, like a tunk screech Like, yes,
you know what that it's called. Yes, it's a very
specific world for a very specific thing. Yes, I mean
when you say it, I know it. But if you
tested me on it wouldn't have Yeah, rope thing exactly. Well,
I believe it comes from the letting root, grapple and
(42:01):
an ink hook. Yes, we all know. Well, we know Latin,
I think that we might need to defend ourselves from criminals.
You'll think of the grappling hook has a criminals on
the other end of the week. I don't know what
what have you ever had a grappling hook that wasn't
from the farious reason? I've never even done a thing
(42:22):
with the grappin never know either. I'm getting so sleepy.
You know, it always could be a criminals who are
trying to break in and steal art from the verticant.
I mean, it makes sense. We got a lot of
arts we gotta let the could to be standing trying
to steal the Sistine chapel, or they could be looking
for the wine. You think they try to steal the
(42:43):
entire Sistine Chapel. You never know helped me pull this
trunk from underneath my bed. What do you got in here? Well,
it's a series of protective outfits and weapons. Oh my god,
I don't know what have you been doing? Cardenal is
up to something. The Good Lord saves those who helped
(43:04):
to save themselves. Yes, Matthew too too, Yes, very good.
I was written that today this is our three This
is the equivalent of swat gear. Here put Riot gear on.
I've always wanted to do this, to say, I have
a bunch of movies about this kind of thing, and
it's exciting, you know. I wish I could have something
express so I do not have. Hey, Jason, this is embarrassing.
(43:30):
I'm getting tired, dude. Can we rereast for one second? Yeah? Sure,
let's just kind of hang on the side of that
smart man, ain't man scranella bar. Do you have any
of those little uh like it's kind of like a
red stick and you use it to put like cheese
product on pretzels or crackers? Oh? Man, to taking me back.
(43:51):
I love those, And it's even the feeling of the
red stick was so specific. I can feel it on
my tongue. Now do you know how many of those
will be able to buy when we say all the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? I mean, yeah, do they
even make him anymore? I guess they do. They'll make them.
Now them, we're gonna command that kind of money. While
we're on this break, let's let's go over the game
(44:12):
plan again. Sure, how we're going to take the entire
Sisteine Chapel? All right, Well, we we got the grappling hooks. Yeah,
we're going up the side of the chapel, which is
so far working out her perfectly. We're halfway. It's good
um to be break into the skylight that people don't
know is there. Okay, that puts us right there on
on the roof of it kind of it. So I'm
(44:32):
I'm really clear up to that point. So what I'm
thinking is thank you for the espresso, by the way,
very strong. Hello, Hello. I think we should just find
the word the grappling noise come from aim down and shoot,
oh the shoot to the bottom of the whatever is
attached to the rope to lly. But we should wear masks.
(44:55):
We don't want anyone to see the want to get
dressed up when when we show the way a mask
because we don't want to inhale any any blood blood
or smoke mine. That's good and they Sista is always
under construction. So these are lots of dust. You know,
there's a long, long tunnel to get us to the
sixteen chapel, so we should head out. Oh yes, who's
(45:17):
going to lead the way? Not I not me? Okay,
we are on top. How could this view? I mean,
get out my list here and check that one off.
We're done two done too down. Put that list away
for one second. Okay, but just look around. Look at
that me, me and j Mac. That's right, I mean
(45:37):
the mac daddy. Hey, what's going on? Guys? Whoa Hey,
I'm I'm Dan Brown. I'm researching a new book. Oh oh, hey,
Damn Brown. Oh my god. Yeah, it's me Dan Brown.
I'm also very familiar. I wrote Angels and Demons that okay, Yeah, hi, guys,
I'm sorry. Sorry to interrupt you. I just saw Dan
(45:58):
Brown walking around and I just wanted to get us
out of her him. Can you enjoy my really short chapters?
I really do. It's so easy to read. I can
just read it whatever, that's the goal. Can I you
sign this for me? I don't want to butt in.
But she's single. Sorry you're single. And there's something here. Gosh,
(46:19):
it's pretty up here. It's really it's a great view
with so many pigeons down there. I thought there'd be
more up here nighttime strolls. Up here, You guys are
lucky because I have built an underground tunnel with the
help of Elon Musk. It will be a quick trip
to desisting trapel you built the tunel with Elon. I'm
(46:42):
I'm an independently wealthy cardinal and superhero. I actually listened
to this confession so many so with superhero Vigilante. Is
that's why you have really long nails? Or is that
(47:02):
something else? That's the intention? And they have not coming
useful yet, they are really long. I thought it was
for some you know, cocaine. I did not scratching something.
I didn't know a man of the cloth would do cocaine. Oh, no,
do you do cocaine? No? Leave him alone? Wait do
you do cocaine? No? One do one cocaine. We're so sleepy.
(47:25):
We were just tired because we're tired, and then we
got better with this cress cocaine. Here, this is the
next level coke though, this is the stuff. This is
the coke everybody wanted. I engineered this coke along. We've
got the problem on our hands. Great to meet you.
You've got the crazy brain from Jesus. Here's a little
(47:47):
thing we heard the grapple hook. Were you coming to
the tunnel? Thanks for making it. We got to go
get the bad guys, I guess and Cardinal is of Agilante.
That's all you're called up and super hero. Actually, Ellon
knew that because I hired him to make such a tunnel.
A right, this is a super advanced tunnel. Guys, check
(48:08):
your cell phones, they're charging. That's right in the room.
I wish I had it. I feel like we should
name you a saint or something. Ellen. He's got to
do at least the two more miracles. Alright, Well, if
I ever finished that hyper loop, that counts is one. Right, Look, Cozy,
I could use a little bump, just a little bump.
(48:31):
There you go. This is serious though, This is some
good stuff. Oh yes, I guess I could try for
the first time ever? Have never have done this? Well,
this is definitely the stuff to start. Seems like you
knew how to do that. I just I guess I
should try something for the first for the first time.
I could be the first time today, right yeah, yeah,
So why I you know, I don't want to get
(48:53):
in your guy's way. I'm just just here observed. Look,
you seems like a real playboy. Dan. If I were,
you would go grab those two chicks. We're just all
over you. Man in she's a freaks that free. I'll
tell you what. The one screaming that is probably also
singing on. If she's not, you can make that ship happen. Anyway, Well,
they're turned on by my hot mathematician character. Go get them, man,
I mean this just confirms the old adage Dan Brown fuss.
(49:16):
Yeah yeah, yeah he didn't. Before you leave, I feel
like you're a friend almost since books. We're about to
pull off a gigantic heist. Um that's that. Well, you're
you're clearly you're breaking into the sis. And you can
tell that, right, you can tell like, we look good, right,
(49:36):
you look amazing. Okay, so we're gonna we're our planets?
Is still the entire Sistine chapel? Silling? Sorry I always
say I always say the entire chapel, Like this guy
in college would exaggerate all the times. Dude, it was
four women I slept right. So anyway, man, you need
(49:57):
to leave us now. Okay, you got it. You are
the man. So do you think they're really going to
take the whole chapel? I feel my body go boom
boom boom tunnel. You guys should very much keep serious.
We're trying to defend the sustinct travel. Let's get it.
Let's kill him. I want to kill him on drink
their blood. I think of the art piece is called
(50:19):
the hand of God maybe, or something like, let's take
the hand of God of their asses and then kill
women and get off of them. Brandy long another I
wouldn't do. Oh no, well, she's going to actually be
able to talk to Jesus now, so alright, by this
is when we stopped talking and going to the side
(50:40):
silent mode and steal, stop grambling hook, stealth mode. Where's
Dan Brown? Quiet? Ladies? Quiet? I wanted to give him
my number. I wanted to give him. I wanted to
give him my dad. Okay, quick question, eat, you're looking
for a good time? Yeah, I mean we come to
(51:03):
Vatican City for no other reason. We just got back
from Froghead, the bar in the Vatican City. You know
the one. Do you ladies like to party? Yeah, Cardinal Frogs,
That's what it was. Calm, So what do you say?
What do you say? I want to bring in? All right?
(51:25):
She came some some of the ore below. Hey, throw
me that rope thing. It's a grappling hook. You've done
this so stupid. I got the second one, you got
the first one? Which one is the second one? The
one that you called it a grappling hook. Okay, I'll
take the first one because you called it a rope thing.
You guys are connect. I got the first one, Okay, Okay,
I get the second, which first. I don't know. They
look the same to me, Like, what's going on? Our
(51:49):
life is so crazy? We're like so amazing. God is
totally on our side. Yes he is. Jesus is my
little Now that's them right there is that Dan Brown
walking away. He's always sticking his nose. He would leave.
He's going to turn around the paintings to make it
look like this is a thing. But the sailing I
(52:13):
was hanging onto the sailing one of my hands. That
you're just a scale to the side of the wall.
That problem for me. Let me know if you need
me to climb a wall and me and Danny Brown
go way back. I'm working on an adaptation that will
make a good film of one of his books. They
haven't done that yet, So that's that's my next project. So, um,
(52:38):
before we hook up, which I'm assuming we're going to
do tonight, like literally, with this grapple hook that would
wrap you up. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean
that I was thinking maybe you could help us on
this kind of cool excursion we're about to do. We're
about to steal the entire bro, don't do it. I
(52:59):
know this confusing. I know that I look like you.
I'm I'm waiting from another universe. Okay, my god, we've
always wanted to do with Robert. You're right, but don't
try to rob the Sistine Chapter with these two girls. Dude,
come on, don't cock bock yourself. Yeah, hey man me,
don't cock block me. Look I tried it. Bro. Bro Bro,
guys stop. Don't listen to him about stopping not don't
(53:22):
listen to this guy. Don't listen to this guy. Ladies, ladies,
listen to me. Listen to me. You do not want
to hook up with these guys. Okay, why not? Because
the hook? Because the hook? That was a bad idea,
A really bad idea. Don't I have another me? What's
wrong with me? What is wrong with you? Does this
go wrong for me? Is this it for me? Steal
(53:46):
it for me? By the power of God, you will
not get away with this thievery. I'm not I'm gonna you.
Are you talking to me? We're talking to all seven?
If you on top of this, the twins, the girls,
where's the where's the other? This other criminal? He's gone? Well, God,
(54:11):
my serious, race, you can't stop us. Only person who
could stop us would be Saint Elan himself. And I
don't see him anywhere until you see these crimes and
things that's going to be happening to little Are you okay?
What that woman's mouth is full of blood? Ship dum dumn?
(54:35):
You got God? Guys, attack him? Are not you Carnival?
You're not supposed to be okay? Do you use your
nails that hold on quick? Use that not the flamethrower
on him. Yep, here you go. And while this diversion
(54:59):
was creazy by the multiverse themes and the coked up
priests and Elon Musk and superheroes who walked away with
the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel me Dan Brown, damn,
We're not going to publish this book, all right, Thank
(55:23):
to you everybody. Chris Alvarado, Yeah, you can find me
at Chris Alvarado just shout out of the streets and
hoo come Vanessa. Hi. You can look at Dynasty Typewriters Instagram,
which is Dynasty Typewriter or my personal one, which is boring. Okay,
(55:44):
all right, but I love myself. Everything fun at Kikowski
on Twitter. Also at Craigslist peacast for the Craigslist podcast
in which I review my one favorite movies with my
wife Carlo, which I'm bring you on now. Uh. We
have been spinning our wheels trying to get to Apocalypse
Now for the best months. But we'll get it. Feels
(56:05):
like we're on a thousand, but yeah, we have sixteen
to go. Nice James Heity. Please check out Brief News
Brief dot com and they can see comedy news twice
a week. Carla Uh Instagram and Twitter at Carla Kakowski.
I'm Cole Stratton. You can find me on Twitter and
(56:27):
Instagram at col Stratton at Stratton Cole. I had reversed
it in one of them. I think it's Instagram col
stradd dot com as well. Big thanks to our engineer
Doug Babe, our post on design artist Raphael Brito, producer
Sophie Lichtman, and lastly, I heart media listeners. Please keep listening,
review and subscribe, write some reviews. It's very helpful for
(56:49):
the podcast, and you can write us and give us
your ideas for some of these wacky scenarios at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. So you know
you can do less wacky scenarios than could be more
people like, like three of your favorite words would be enough,
just a place. My suggestion is three people watch paint
(57:09):
dry Strike and writ us at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Thanks everybody for listening.
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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