Bonus: Dani's Listening, Episode 8

In this bonus series, “Dani’s Listening”, Dani connects with listeners by responding to those who’ve called in to share their family secrets.

Mark your calendars for the launch of season 8 on May 4th.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. This episode contains
discussion of child sexual abuse. Listener discretion is advised. Danny's
Listening is a bonus series brought to you by Family

(00:21):
Secrets High Family Secrets Family. As your listeners stories keep
pouring in, I'm back with a new bonus episode of
Danny's Listening. We continue to be blown away by your

(00:44):
courage and vulnerability. It's an honor to share these listeners
stories from time to time as we are deep into
producing Season eight of Family Secrets, which will launch on
May fourth with extraordinary new episodes. Also, stay tuned for
more special bonus content my interview with the brilliant doctor

(01:05):
Gabor Mate, author most recently of The Myths of Normal.
Doctor Mate is one of the world's leading experts on addiction,
stress trauma, and child development. Stay tuned too for an
episode in which the wonderful Kimmy Culp, journalist, writer, motivational speaker,
and host of the podcast All the Wiser interviews me

(01:27):
about my own secrets and all the things that led
to this podcast. But now here is a powerful story
from a listener. Hey, Danny, So my secret is that
several summers ago, when I was twenty five, I was

(01:49):
on a road trip with my family, and out of nowhere,
my mom decided to tell me that when I was
very young, I a babysitter who had later gone to
prison or molesting other kids. I did not remember being
baby sat by a boy in the neighborhood. But as

(02:12):
soon as you said that, I thought to myself, that
might explain a few things. However, that was really painful
to think about, so I pushed those thoughts away as
soon as they came. They didn't resurface until several years later.
My doctor told me I was due for another pat Smeir,

(02:33):
and that brought up the whole see of emotions. I
had always had a lot of anxiety around my path sir,
to the point that I was only able to successfully
complete it under the general anaesthesia Vallem didn't even work.
So this time, instead of pushing those emotions the way,

(02:56):
I started talking to my therapist about it. I talked
about how the bankst of not knowing was just taking
up a lot of space in my head. And eventually,
after lots of planning, I decided to confront my dad

(03:16):
about this, and he was able to give me the
name of this boy, and I was able to track
him down find him on the sex offender registry. He's
in prison again after some child pornography charges. And the
more I talked about it and researched child sexual abuse,

(03:37):
the more that a lot of my life made sense,
like the fear of a lot of different medical procedures,
and the years of anxiety and depression, eating disorders and
difficulty with relationships and all made a lot of sense.

(03:59):
But when I told my dad that basically my wife
was making sense and light of the snare information, he
basically said it had never occurred them. So a part
of me is really angry at my parents for keeping
this information from me for twenty five years and then
bringing it up super casually, as if it wasn't a
big deal. But I don't think they entered with malice first.

(04:27):
Thanks so much for being willing to share your story
with us. I know it's going to resonate in many,
many ways with many many listeners. I was particularly struck
by your clarity and the emotional intelligence with which you
already understand the impact of this secret that was kept
from you. I'll tell you how it resonated with me.

(04:48):
The casual way that your mom mentioned the history of
your babysitter during a road trip. I couldn't help but
wonder if it really was a casual mention, or whether
your mom, either unconsciously or conscious chose a road trip
that great parental move where you know you have your
kid to yourself in a moving vehicle to tell you

(05:08):
something that maybe she intuited. You should know. My mom
did that with me when I was exactly your age,
about something altogether different, and I honestly don't think she
was aware of what she was doing, but still she
gave me a piece of information that became incredibly important
and useful to me later. You did what so many

(05:30):
of us do, As you say, you pushed the thoughts away.
They were too discomfiting, too jarring, too painful to even contemplate.
But this is something that comes up again and again
on this podcast. There is ultimately no such thing as
pushing such huge matters away. They always return to us,

(05:51):
one way or another. As Carl Jung once said, until
you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life,
and you will call it fate. You say, the more
you dug into your story, the more many puzzling aspects
of your life made sense. Your anxiety around PAP's mirrors
and all medical procedures, you're eating disorder, your difficulty and relationships.

(06:16):
It's like a sharper lens clicked into place, and now
you could see your own history with much greater clarity.
What I want to say to you is there is
so much liberation in this. It will never change what happened,
but it will change your relationship to yourself. I'm hoping
that more self knowledge, more kindness to yourself, more compassion

(06:39):
for that girl who went through something that became literally unspeakable.
All of this will be coming your way. I'm wishing
you peace as you move into the next chapter of
your life. When I was twenty five, I felt old,
but from where I sit today, it is so so young.
You have a life ahead of you, filled with so

(07:01):
many possibilities. You no longer will be propelled by the
angst of not knowing. Knowledge is power, and you have
that now. This is a strange thing to say, perhaps,
but I'm happy for you.