March 15, 2022 • 56 mins
While it's a taboo subject in the modern day, it turns out people have been improvising ways to pleasure themselves since, well, the dawn of history. In this week's two-part takeover episode, Ben and Noel join Eli and Diana Banks, real-life spouses and creators of the hit podcast Ridiculous Romance, to discuss the strange, ridiculous (and at-times disturbing) history of sex toys across the planet. Heads-up, this one gets a little raunchy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ridiculous History is a production of I Heart Radio Breaking news.
(00:27):
Special announcement, Fellow Ridiculous Historians, it's your it's your pals. Uh.
Super producer Max and Noel and I'm Ben. We are
doing something a little bit different this week, and we
wanted to give you a heads up that this this
week's episodes are there's something special. They might not be
(00:48):
for everyone. And s f W and s f K
just just unsafe. No, actually, I mean they're they're safe.
You know, sex is a thing that people, that's that's
that's existence about history throughout the species, you know, I mean,
how else would we have continued to exist and thrive
on this planet if it weren't for the sexy private
(01:09):
times and that we go into that in detail in
today's episode. You might hear men and I say some
things that you're not used to hearing us say, because um,
we joined Diana and Elive Ridiculous Romance and discussing the
history of sex, not just sex, but sex toys, implements
used not only for procreation but for pleasure. Yeah, well said.
(01:30):
And I don't know about everybody else, but I definitely
learned some things and we enjoyed we enjoyed this episode
so much, this two part episode with Ridiculous Romance, that
we wanted to put it directly on our feed and
we got Diana Analizes permission, so so they're great with it.
(01:50):
But this is also a great way for you to
get a taste of what you can encounter on Ridiculous Romance.
It's not always I feel like they want us to
say this, it's not always about sex toys, but come
for the puns and then check out check out their
fantastic show as well because it legit is hilarious. And
(02:13):
then seriously, this is probably on par with you know,
I know, when we do stuff with Jack and Miles,
we kind of allow ourselves to untuck our shirts a
little bit, let our hair down, our hairs. This one
kind of takes that to the next level. I would say,
so more on par with the George Carlin episode that
we did where um, there was about a list of
of blue words that were banned in broadcasting. This is
(02:37):
kind of like that. So definitely not a co listening
experience unless it's you know, you and your and your
lover that would be good. So without further ado, let's
dive into the history of sex toys. Hey, their friends
come listen. Well, Elia and Diana got some stories to tell.
There's no match making a romantic tips. It's just about
(02:59):
particulous with the ships a love. It might be any
type of person at all, and abstract cons that don't
a concrete wall. But if there's a story where the
second plans Ridiculous rom a production of I Heart Radio. Hey, guys,
thank you so much for coming on the show. Right,
I too, am very excited and enthused, So I'm sorry. Yeah,
(03:23):
we woke these guys up at three am and told
them they had to come jump on the show. Sorry,
sorry for interrupting. And I was like, can I can
I bring clothes with me? I didn't get an answer,
but I found I found a T shirt. Um, So
I'm just not going to stand up while we record
out of respect for one. Yeah, but I know that
(03:45):
we were massively excited first off, big big fans of
ridiculous room massively yes, massively excited, uh positively vibrating with
pleasure because this is a this is a know uh
one thing we love about ridiculous romances, uh your ability
(04:05):
to explore things in a way that we often don't
in ridiculous history when you agree no explore Sorry yeah, no, no,
definitely this is going to be a journey, voyage of
self discovery. Uh yeah, I mean we you know, we
we try to keep it pg. Thirteen And honestly, like,
(04:26):
there's no reason that the history of sex toys can't
be pg. Thirteen. I mean, it's history. These are things,
These are artifacts, These are historic relic sometimes sacred in
many cases. Yeah, the history itself definitely p us talking
about it. We'll say I love it though. Yeah, this
is us. This is like me and Ben's chance to
(04:48):
really let it all hang out. We take you guys
off the leash, and we'll see what happens. Okay, wait,
what do we is this? I trust you guys, Diana
hel Is this a uh? Is this a episode where
we need a safe word? Or where are we at
with that? You know, a safe word is always a
good idea if you ever feel uncomfortable. Definitely, just you know,
(05:09):
I don't know, scream at the top of your lungs.
Hard word, that will be our safe word, right, hard
is a great safe no potential for misunderstanding there. I
always just preferred. I think we've mentioned on the show
before that. I just think the ultimate safe word is
just safe word. Why did you or something? When you're like,
look safe word, it says it all. It's safe word.
(05:30):
Safe word. You're done. I'm done. I'm not going to
accidentally say safe word in passion in the moment if
I don't mean it, unlike pineapples, which comes up a lot. Well, yeah,
kindly stop ram rotting. Sorry, the safe word must be
submitted in writing in triple kit. This is a question
that I think is on both my mind and and knowles. Uh,
(05:50):
what are some of the like you guys have gone
into some really um it's at times controversial territory for
a lot of people. So one of the things that
I think you always approach from such an empathetic human
angle is the idea of people's sexual explorations, right, I
(06:15):
think because we call it ridiculous romance, and you've had
stories that are almost entirely just just the romance. Right.
But today when you when you when you all came
to us with this idea of sex toys, I at
least I can't speak for unial. I knew they were
ancient because people have been into this for a long time.
(06:37):
But I don't think I grasped, uh grasp whatever. I
don't think I understood how like how intertwined with society, past,
present and future these things have been. And is it
true like are we at a did we just as
a society get out of a period where these things
(06:57):
were taboo? I have so many questions. Uh yeah, I
think so. I mean especially dildos particularly were vilified. At
one point in history. They were very, very common and
awesome and everybody loved them, and then they were like, wait,
do you think my wife will like this dildo better
than me? And then they kind of fell out of
(07:19):
favor with a gentleman. What am I going to be
a better lover? It's it's remarkable how frequently male in
security shape's history so remarkable, so remarkable, almost too much remarkable. Um.
I also did learn too that because it allowed gay men,
dildos allowed gay men to have sex without you know,
(07:42):
without actually uh putting their own body parts in each other.
They were able to have sex when they had HIV,
and so they became synonymous with having HIV for as well,
if you had a dildo meant you were you were
like had a deadly disease, which is very weird. But
obviously that change to make all right. Well, you know,
they were trying real hard to make everyone very scared
(08:05):
of gay people. Um, that's true during that period, so
I think they were trying anything, and they were trying
anything with stick speaking of sticks, Speaking of sticks. Early
on though, I mean, like the attitude towards sex was
pretty la fair, like I mean the earliest days, and
then it went through the kind of puritanical phase and
then sort of his come full circle. Um in the
(08:27):
modern day. I know we're going to get there, but
why don't we take it back to like antiquity and
like the discovery of the first mystical dildo of the gods? Well, yeah,
we I mean, we have been digging up dildos for
a very long time. They think the first one humans,
not us personally, We've only been digging up dildos for
(08:51):
a couple of months. But humans your backyard, it's weird.
I have no idea how they got there. It was
the oldest house on the street, they tell us. So
there was nothing but farmlance every dildo have. Everyone would
hide their dildos in our backyard. No, yeah, human beings
have been digging up dildos for a very long time.
(09:12):
They think they found the very first dildo in a
cave in Germany that dates back to the Ice Age,
so twenty eight thousand years ago, and it's made of
chalk chalk, I guess you gotta stay warm, but jeez,
feels dry though, doesn't it like something like that? Why
would you want to put but you something? But I mean,
(09:34):
I guess we're really desperate and the ice ages, so
you could really leave your mark, chalk it up, chok
it after you a lack of supplies. I don't know
what couldn't lead. It's a fashioned one out of like
a block of ice, just kind of make it like smooth.
I guess it would melt, but it would take you.
Do you want to put a block of ice like
inside your butt? Because I can tell you I would
(09:55):
not like it could be interesting? Who knows? I mean?
And stimula. It was the Ice Age. They were very
used to that feeling. Whatever. Isn't there another old one
that was discovered? Um, I believe somewhere in like Syria
that was like made of stone. There were like stone
ones as well, ste ivory, jade, probably bones. I imagine
(10:21):
I feel like that's a that's an obvious one to make,
a sure um. And if you look up prehistoric dildos,
they have a wide variety of sizes and girths and
different foreskin like options. They even came with tattoos or
little illustrations carved in them. So I love that there
(10:42):
was some art. They're like branded. They were branded, they
were like dildo. They probably had a close personal relationship,
you know. I assumed that even in more uh collectivist
early societies, there were still things that were considered kind
of like your personal property, like hey, this like a
(11:04):
like a two shot, you know, or like you know,
or your button plug or your dildo. But so, by
the way, I'm a mistake, I said Syria just kind
of off the top of my head. It was Germany,
I believe where they found this, these collections of silt
stone Germany. Some of these were like monogram Germany. The
early forefront of this techno makes sense exactly of anywhere
(11:28):
in the world where would you look for a dildo?
But Germany. You listened to your show, that's awesome. So
so there's another thing, you know, Diane, you found this
in your Researchen's something that really stood out to me
because you think a lot about not to get two
in the weeds, so you think a lot about uh,
material science to put it in the lamest way possible, Like, uh,
(11:52):
it makes sense that there would be something like a
smooth stone or ivory your bone or even would that
would make sense and probably have less of a risk
of injury or irritation. But what's up with the incredibly
silly name The Holdest Boy b O? I by pretty
(12:24):
good brandy, But yeah, what's the deal with that? This
is a dates back to ancient Greece, I believe, and
then carried over to some other adjacent culture. Oh yeah,
they were stuffed phalluses and they were made of polished leather,
and I guess that partly Sometimes you would even find
the stone ones with like a leather sheath so they
would be warmer and softer when okay there, um, so
(12:48):
that's part that was smart. I feel like they were
really thinking about comfort at some point, and they were like,
you know, while we're making coats and shoes, let's go
ahead set some aside. Somebody said, ladies, siltstone just isn't
doing it for me. A lot of russage and they
didn't work. Yeah, leather. Well, speaking of chafe, the ancient
(13:11):
Greeks would also use olive oil as a lubricant, So
there goes your chafing problem. You just get that bad boy,
that bad alive boy dipped in some olive oil. Surely
that that enters into the etymology of the word, right,
does that all his boy referencing oil? I wonder they
just I don't know. I always do this where I
(13:33):
see two vaguely similar words and I'm like, they must
be related. There's no way they're not. Pretty incidence because
I believe this is the first version of this that
was called this, and there were other cultures that used
that that term as well. It makes me think of
have you guys ever seen the movie Caligula? You know,
I didn't watch. Yeah, it's it's it's a lot. It
(13:54):
was produced by the publisher of Penthouse and they wanted
it to be like full Front Orgy or Giastic rat City.
But it's also like, you know, a really expensive, you know,
period movie with Malcolm McDowell playing the titular psychopath Emperor
of Rome. And there's a scene where he um he
uses olive oil uh to loop up his fist a thing. Yeah,
(14:19):
like like, I've got the etymology because the thinking of
this as well, and you know English being such a
language of the lazy and plagi plagiaristic people of the world. Uh,
we end up with a lot of things that may
seem like they are falsely related. But according to this
(14:39):
all his boy, which is the funny one is the
plural of olibos, which is ancient Greek for to slip,
to glide. You know, like that slipping slide commercial in
the eighties, right, you take a jump and take a die. Yeah.
I was like what And then Eli, you and I
(15:02):
are the olds in this conversation, whereas yeah, where I
as I believe olive is unrelated etymo logically, but dang
it again, Olive exactly like a game boy this. I'm
(15:23):
going to go retire to be with my olive boy.
There's another interesting thing here. We're talking about the cyclical
ups and downs of sex positivity for lack of a
better word, throughout human history. One thing that surprised me
in the research here is that the Greek men, to
(15:45):
your point about male insecurity, like the Greek men who
would go off to fighting wars were actually on board
with giving giving an olive boy to their partners. That yeah,
they thought that if women were left too long without
an injection of sperm in them, at some point, they
(16:06):
would eventually get hysteria or something called a wandering uterus.
Which I know. It's a tough time around the house
when my uterus jumps out and starts. It starts around myself,
you know, we get we always get calls from the neighbors.
Uterus is loose again, you know, a little buddy. You
just need a higher fence. I keep saying. I thought
(16:28):
I felt a little lighter, trying to find itself, you know,
it's just trying to understand who it really is, Like
what am I doing. I gotta say that this this
concept though, of like leaving the women with a dildo
so that they wouldn't you know, the uteruses wouldn't wonder.
It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase left
to their own devices. We have to have to noculate
(16:50):
you with sperm or else we will go insane, which
is so funny, and that I mean. It's noted here,
of course, that hysteria and sex toys have at a
very long historical link, mostly for women. You know, doctors
would uh do a pelvic massage for women that would
result in a paroxysm. Uh I was supposed to cure
(17:13):
them of hysteria, and I bet a lot of women
were like, yeah, I feel so hysterical today. I don't
know doctor showing me how I could do this maybe
at home for myself when a hysteria just comes on.
He's like, no, I think you need a professional. Was
(17:34):
this kind of like a like a slow shift, because
it seems like at first these sex toys are purely
meant for kind of you know, the most hedonistic of pleasures, um,
and then it starts to be more functional, where it's
like I am the man. I I you know, you
are my property and I'm going to give you this
as a stand in for me while I'm away. But
then it kind of started moving more towards like being
(17:56):
a medical device, right or we maybe we're not quite
there yet, but I think vibrators more specifically, we're we're
marketed as medical devices and dildos were not. So I
think that's why dildos actually had more controversy on them
than vibrators ever did, because vibrators never really had Yeah,
vibrators never really seemed to be a problem for people.
(18:18):
They were like, cool, whatever, get your steampowered thing and
have at it. But like, but it was like a
medical thing because ladies are so crazy they have to
have something, I guess. But with dildos it was more
about like actual penetration and men could use them, and
you know, lesbians used them and stuff, so it became
like more of a I guess I could see that.
(18:41):
You know, if you've got something the vibrates, then the men,
you know, well I can't do that, so at least
that's a different device. But if it's just a dildo,
I've got a perfectly good dick right here. What's the
problem you want to you want to dick in you?
I can make that happen. Yeah, getting a little more
aggravated about the diage. Maybe this is a great spot
(19:01):
for a break, So we'll be right back. Welcome back everyone.
So there's another question that I had that was a
very I guess, practical question, Like, obviously a chalk like
a dildo devised the chalk. It sounds like it's what
(19:23):
the person had to work with at the time. But
when you're thinking about people in the natural world where
there's not nearly as much technology as there is today
in two as we record this, wouldn't the natural world
already have some kind of like phallic thing you could
mess with, Like I don't know, I'm gonna make the
laziest choices like I was. No, we're not gonna tell
(19:47):
that story, Like, okay, I'll say it. So I was
in a grocery store during the height of the lockdown.
Will only go out from necessessin's whatever be massed up
and everything man been out in public in a while,
and the entire I think I mentioned to you guys
off air, the entire grocery store was filled with a
(20:08):
weirdly unnecessary sexual tension because people hadn't seen each other
in a while. Everybody's got an aura of mystery because
you know, two thirds of their faces covered. And I
was in the produce aisle and this, uh, there's a
person there, and I can tell you much more about
them who saw me, like selecting cucumbers for some stuff
(20:30):
I was gonna cook, and we're staring at me hard
to the point where I just put down the cucumbers
and thought, I'm gonna cook something else because this this
person is reading this more into this situation than you know,
my lay mass salad or whatever. And why I think
of that? You know, we like it's a trope in
(20:51):
it's a trope in so much Western Eurotica as well,
like watch this person eat fruit or whatever. So did
that play a role in the history of sex toys?
Most definitely. They're like ancient texts like Arabian Nights that
talk about fruit and vegetables and just any penis shaped object.
But the best one I saw was from this Ming
(21:14):
dynasty writer Taut sung E. And you know, we don't
speak Cantonese, but we try. Circuit thirteen sixty he wrote
about something called the Cantonese growing, which was a route
sufficiently penish shaped to be used as a dildo, mostly
by peasant women in like the country, rural areas. And
(21:34):
interestingly it was also called an olspos, So they probably
got that from ancient Greece. I imagine such a similar name,
yeah right, such a similar name. It must have been
the legend of this Cantonese groin is quote. In the
pastures of the Tartars, wild horses often copulate with dragons.
(21:56):
Drops of the semen will fall down and enter the earth,
and at for some time put forth shoots resembling bamboo
sprouts of pointed shape and covered with small scales close
together like the teeth of a comb, and with a
network of veins, making them very similar to the male member. Okay,
do you guys have teeth of a comb on your dad?
(22:20):
For you to ask me that, well, to be fair,
I mean not to get to you know, anatomically correct,
but why not. There is a seam, you know, on
the bottom of of of a penis that is vaguely
comb like or it's like a ridge kind of things,
zig zaggy kind of you. But yeah, the veiny part
(22:44):
is always just you know, sometimes I get these sweet
potatoes everything store that have all these veins up along
the side of them. It's very very upsetting trying to
say sweet potato, that's a very sweet any of the
produce section in general, you just got it. Don't go
when you skip cucumbers, where do you go? Because almost
(23:07):
everything well, it's so funny. The emoji is eggplant, which
is the one I would probably not turn to you
in a crisis. And actually another ming writer named Lee
you wrote a theatrical play about a lesbian couple who
use a double elise bos so they had double sided dildos,
(23:28):
like as far back as the thirt hundreds, and this
was a stick made of water ivory with two silk
bands attached to the middle. I guess you like pull
on it? Yeah, well you need a grip, right, something
to grip on. That makes sense. So I assuming we
I haven't seen these this play, I've not. I don't
think there's been mounted in a while. Hasn't been mounted?
(23:51):
Is it? Is it double sided? Like? Like? Yeah? They
were saying in this the in this uh book about them,
the main writers that female homosexuality was very common and
considered to be a fine, normal thing, no problem ladies
(24:13):
have at but male homosexuality was very frowned upon at
the same time, which is so interesting to me, the
gendered wells about homosexuality. It's interesting because there was also,
especially in the upper class, there was a uh, some
pretty distinct sharp lines around gender division. Right, so you
could end up being, you know, some wine of noble birth,
(24:37):
and you're you're not gonna meet a lot of dudes
who are not, you know, either working for you or
or your relatives. So maybe how far historically, is this
after ancient Greek? And ancient said it's a long time. Yeah,
because I mean, like you know, in those in those days,
(24:58):
the moment, I mean it was like almost like like cool,
not cool to be by or by curious or have
like a stable being penetrated. You had to be a
tops only, which is so funny because if everyone is
a top, then where were they putting it? By the way, guys,
(25:19):
what's a power? Bottom? Somebody explained to me, what a power?
Have you not seen this explanation? Okay, I'll just maybe
maybe some ridiculous romantics. We'll get a we'll get an
answering machine on a later episode. Yeah, but it wasn't
just vegetables and fruit that people used. Um. Speaking of
(25:44):
ancient Greece. In a book called The Joy of Sexist Love,
Less Lust, Love and Longing in the Ancient World by
Vicky Leon, breadstick dildos were a common thing. Were the bottomless? No,
they all found the bottom? I think, yeah, I don't
(26:09):
think any of us absolute. Okay, So first off, I
always shout to Larry David, but the crumbs, right like croms,
This is my first question exact. Plus, I guess you
have to have enough bread that you would let one
sit by get stale enough to do the job. Plus
plus I'm thinking you bust out the olive oil and
(26:31):
there's a and there's a loaf of bread. I'm not
I'm not gonna do anything, but immediately it's gonna be
gone black pepper in there. Yeah, yeah, no, I wouldn't.
It's food is just gonna come before sex for me. Also,
I have a real um not phobia, but I'm just
sort of squigged out a little bit by incorporating food
(26:54):
stuffs into sex stuff. Say, I just don't think the
twain should should meet. Like I don't even like like
like sexy rawberry use that's just no, just yeah, don't
care like inviting ants to hang out in your bedroom
and he's already going to be stickiness eventually anyway, But
that's how you know it's over. You don't want sticking
this in advance, how you know we're dead. Oh man.
(27:16):
I also don't like the idea of putting yeast anywhere
near your vagina to the issues down there. But apparently
this happened when at an ancient bakery, when quote a
gal with time on her hands started full around with
bread dough for like a loose woman hands right while
(27:42):
listiviously daydreaming. She created an ossbo colics, the bread stick dildo,
the sex industry's first green product. Well done, very important
to be sustainable in our sex toy expliration. I'm sure
that was your primary con cern thousands of years. Yeah,
(28:05):
people are gonna go plastic waste. I'm onto something. You
guys are calling me weird, but just wait one day,
we're going to want to get power from the sun.
So yeah, this is this is uh fascinating because it
sounds like it caught on and became kind of a
(28:25):
cottage industry, at least in ancient Athens. Uh. Yeah, there
was a There was a note from that interview that
Leon did with the Huffington Post where she answered a
question that I was a little too hesitant to ask
because I'm one of the more immature people in today's conversation.
(28:45):
What happens to the bread after yes, you sell it
for half price obviously, or you sell it for the
price okay on fans. You could probably sell it for
some weird Greek guy out there. It's like, I'm that
bread were always selling their used underwear and there's someone
(29:06):
for some crazy shit. You know. That's the thing. There's
always what did you say? Oh did they leon said?
These breadsticks were these oldest most colleagues excuse me? Were
a custom made to fit and quote even nutritious. Should
the need arise? Should a different need arise? Yeah, it's
(29:27):
sort of like an elegal bread yeah, functional in edible
nutritious though, well bread my question. I mean that's a
that's a very broad term, you know, like a multi grain.
So there was some kind of friction. Yeah, sure, sure,
(29:49):
with or without rise seeds. Dr Ruth is probably this
I'm gonna go with. Well, it depends do you want
it ribbed for her pleasure? And maybe that's what the
rides there. You Yeah, there's a reference to using dildos
in the playlist is Strata, which is about women who
go on a sex strike to stop a warm So
they definitely I wonder if they ever used Baggett's and like,
(30:11):
I kind of want to do a production now they're like, well,
I got we're all set over here. Well, the war
is going terribly, but our grain industry is just dominating.
Time for a teeny weeny commercial break. We will be
right back welcome back to the show, everybody. Okay, I
(30:32):
got I'll stop going back to the weird idea that
people have to have quote sperm injections to not go
crazy because there's there's no sperm involved obviously, right with
I mean, I'm not a baker, but okay, yeah, just
but I suppose if you made like a Neclaire, you
know there might be something there for a boy that's
(30:55):
my nickname. I said it was cream Field. I didn't
tell you what kind of cream I did sell you.
No refunds and you're welcome. So we're we're looking. I
think it's safe to say that, like what we're already
seeing is a long established pattern of people, honestly, people
(31:18):
taking some agency for themselves, and people say I don't
necessarily need another person and all that baggage that comes
with it. Uh. If I already know what I want?
Um right, and this this is a trend that content,
I gotta say spoiler alert, uh for everybody listening. I
am so excited to get to some poetry in a second,
(31:41):
because I'm like emotionally nine years old. But I think
we've got maybe just something, just another thing to add
in here beforehand, which is we've also established past the
world of like so past the ancient world. When we're
talking about a lot of this stuff, we're talking about
(32:02):
people who are probably considered to be people of means.
I mean, history itself as we know it is is
kind of inherently a history of the literate class, because
they're the ones who could write. So are I guess
what I'm asking? I'm not sure how to freeze this
what we're rich people doing at this point, Like they
(32:23):
weren't using bread, that's what the servants were for. No,
but you're so right they I don't think they used
as many root vegetables and stuff because they had money
to pay for nice things and um. By the time
of the Renaissance, rich folks had Dildo's custom made from
(32:46):
silver and ivory and gold and other like precious materials.
So they had like I mean, very valuable sex toys
in their possession and probably beautifully decorated. Did don't you
think oh you I would think that, yeah, because you're
showing them off to the neighbors right herself in your
bedroom and you're like, hick, this one has is adorned
(33:09):
with garne. There's a certain element of keeping up with
the Joneses of course the sex toys aium. I think
I really skip this period in history already, but I
just wanted to mention something that I though I ran
across um in terms of like what the rich we're doing. Uh,
(33:32):
there's a rumor. I think it's backed up with with
actual findings, archaeological findings. But apparently Cleopatra would use like
a papyrus box full of live bees as like first analog.
I saw a hollow gourd that she filled with bees
and that was the first legend says that was the
(33:53):
first vibrator um, which I have never wanted to get
off enough to put live bees anywhere close to my body.
But if okay, seriously high road people, Diana, geez, Cleopatra
it was a different world. She had different things available
to her, different available so true, Well, what mean yeah
(34:19):
for words? You like? If you feel a loss for words,
I think you have perfect timing, my friend, because we're
finally getting to a little bit of poetry. And what
I love about this kind of poetry is that, just
like Beethoven's really dirty songs about farting and stuff, it
(34:40):
proves that people back then we're not really different from
people today. Uh and yeah, in school we read about
we read about the the high flutine, noble stuff. But
I think I think sometimes we miss just how potty
humor the human population news. I kind of compare it
(35:02):
to like, you think your dad didn't look at porn,
but he definitely looked at porn and his father and
on and on. I mean, that's very true. I think
that's an interesting thing about history is remembering that people
(35:22):
loved to have sex, people love to make jokes. I
remember listening to a Noble Blood episode that podcast Noble
Blood is very good, and she was talking about reading
some people. She was like, historians take this story really seriously,
as this like leader being a bit to her like whatever.
But she's like, it's actually clearly a practical joke. If
(35:45):
you look at it as a prank, it's just a
funny thing she was doing with her court. You have
to remember that people did did play jokes on each
other back in the day where fully stoic all the
time and winning wars or whatever. But yes, speaking of etymology,
I know you're an etymology fan, Nol, but the actual
(36:06):
word I do love etymology myself, but the word dildo
came from our friends, the Italians. Thank you, Thank you Italy.
If it came from the word do letto, meaning to delight,
makes sense, slide and glide and delight the three things.
(36:27):
The double D sound is always just a fun it's
a delight to say dildo. It sounds like like a real,
real silly goofy thing. Yeah, and I've got to ask,
so uh beat behind the curtain folks for years, always
trying to convince our bosses to let me do an
etymology show right in and tell them we should uh
(36:48):
and that the four of us will do it. I'm
volunteering everybody here. We need your help. But this reminds
me another another word that came into English usage from
Italian is uh dilettante, And I think it has the
same ultimate route right to do. So my question is,
(37:11):
even though now we call dilatant, you know, we call
the definition a lover of the arts or whatever. Um,
did it mean dildo people in the beginning A lover
of the dildos? It's people who had way too many
in their dildo orium whatever, Like she has a whole
(37:32):
other room. Guys, why would I needlock? I don't even
have ad dildo let alone, MANI it would accommodate an
entire rack. We'll be adding another wing onto the palace.
But yeah, we have a really wonderful, hilarious body poem
(37:53):
about kind of about the Italian influence here. It was
by John Wilma, who was the second Earl of Rochester,
and he was apparently well known for his lewd poetry
that he would write. And um, we pulled out some
select verses from kind of a long poem called signor
Dildo that he wrote. That's that's Mr Dildo, right Di Dildo.
(38:19):
So yeah, I say, let's head on down to poetry
corner and here signor Dildo by John Wilmot. You would
take him at first for no person of note, because
he appears in a plain leather coat. But when you
his virtuous abilities, no you'll fall down and worship Signor Dildo.
(38:41):
My lady South ask heaven prosper her fort. First clothed
him in satin, then brought him to court, but his
head in the circle he scarcely durst show so modest
a youth was Signor Dildo. The Countess of foul myth
of whom people tell of. It's been wear shirts of
a guinea and now might save that expense if she did.
(39:06):
But know her lustier swinger you signor del do whoa
the pattern of virtue, Her grace of Cleveland has swallowed
more bricks than the ocean has slant rhyme right there,
I gotta get in. Credit has said Cleveland has sat.
(39:35):
But by rubbing and scrubbing so wide does it grow?
It is fit for just nothing. But the Senora Dilda
our dainty fine duchesses have got a trick to dote
on a fool for the sake of his brick. The
fops were undone, did their graces, but no the discretion
(39:57):
and the vigor of signor dildo. This senior is sound
safe ready and dumb as ever was candle, carrot or
thumb been away with these nasty devices, and show how
you rate the just merit of seeing your dildo? Beautiful,
(40:19):
beautiful beautiful. So I want to point out just two things,
real quick. First, dumb in that last first great read
everybody wait three things, um. Second, dumb in this sense
most likely just means silent, but it works, it works
very well. Yeah, congratulations himbo. So I also I don't
(40:43):
think We said this in the beginning as we were
excited about talking about this off air. Um Diana Eli.
This is not the full poem. These are excerpts. Have
it in the notes as select versus from this poem.
My question is how long is this book? Is? Just
like also exactly, I had nothing else to do. So
(41:09):
this ship went on for like I think it was
like eighteen or nineteen stands any name dropped so many
people and I'm like, I hope they're real, Like were
they here listening? Like are you trying to say that
I have swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand?
So specifically people, well, this is I don't know if
(41:30):
they're real people, but I think so. I think I
think he is at least referring some because this happened
a lot in uh In in aristocratic circles. They would
write stuff that are roasty kind of like they would
they would be writing stuff that's like, you know, they
put a different name on it, but everybody knew who
(41:51):
you meant. You know, you meant that slutty chick over there,
you know, yeah exactly. So it was always like some
unders some shade, and he was trying to one thing
I love about this style of poetry is it's so
smug and self satisfied, like just like I'm gonna do
the thing again, like at the end of it. You know,
(42:12):
it's just like, yeah, like the fact that there's like
the fact that there's so many more stands us than
this that we left out just hammers that home even
for right on the head. I am just so delightfully
body and uh and hilarious. That's what this guy's Oh yeah,
(42:32):
he was very proud of this poem. I'm sure very
excited to share with all the ladies that he was
talking about it, like, hey, I put you in my poem.
Oh my god, thank you? What man, you never read
it first? Should come to the show. I also wonder
if the Countess of Falmouth was like, oh, so I
don't have to funck my footman and give him nice stuff.
(42:54):
I could just get me a little toy to put
in the house. This this is also this is where
we see like a turn. So it's widely accepted, even
though it might be a little edgy. Right. Uh, this
guy's doing insult comedy tail as old as time, right Uh,
but as as you guys have been telling us before.
(43:17):
Eventually there was there was a time where guys started
to promote h dudes, I mean specifically started to associate,
but they ran a smear campaign against still those right,
it's promiscurity, it's a v D. But at the same time,
for the entire time, dudes had their their own toys,
(43:40):
right and uh, Eli, I'm just I'm gonna have to
go hashtag no pun left behind because it's sincere. When
you at the very top of the show said male
insecurity because it's been a long day for me, I
thought you met a male hyphen I n space security. Yeah.
I don't know what to do with that pun, but
I don't want to leave it out in the cold.
(44:01):
So yeah, yeah, like a guard, some guard who can't uh,
you know many securities. Will belos romantics help us out.
Just explain that punt to us, the punt. So, uh,
this is fascinating because we haven't talked about something that,
(44:22):
uh is apparently quite popular. I feel weird saying it.
I feel like my mom's gonna come back and find
me if I say this. Cock rings yeah, oh god,
but they're old to dude. My favorite I do one
of my favorite Mr Show sketches like a fake commercial.
It's like cock Rane warehouse. Any cock will do, but
(44:45):
they're like so bored that they're like, come on down
to the Cockrane, the cock Rane new and used, cock
Ran vintage. Yeah, I like it. I love that. It's hilarious,
it's fantastic. But yeah, they are act pretty old school
cock rings. They have been around for a long time.
Um part partly, I guess because of that male in security,
(45:06):
because they're supposed to help you achieve or keep an
erection for longer. So it's kind of part of I
guess that where they're like I need something to like
make sure UM given her the goods about edging where
you're sort of keeping yourself, it's almost like a tantric
thing where you're sort of like holding back, you know,
(45:27):
you're trying to not you know, climax in two point
five seconds, trying to give it some time. There's a
book called The Book of Kink Sex Beyond the Missionary
by Ava Christina, and it says that in the Gin
and Song dynasties in China around a d D, they
would make cock rings out of a goat's eyelid because
(45:52):
it's already a circle of skin and then they would
leave the lashes on the like, can I just say
the things we've done to goats on this show, and
even when we went on your show last time for
Valentine's Day, as we put goats through Yeah, there's some
(46:15):
goat vivisection involved in one of those rituals that we
talked about. It was it was the goat skins. They
would We had a guy marry a goat in a
recent episode that we talked about that. But yeah, that
we just we are we're putting goats through it. Yeah. Well,
it's part of a long history too of looking to
(46:35):
the natural world for things that are thought to in
one way or another enhanced sexual performance. Right, And even
that even exists today with the various different unproven or
disproven stories that say, hey, you know what, this thing
is an aphrodisiac. I know it sounds crazy. Just let
this guy slap you with a goat skin a couple
(46:57):
of times and then come back and thank me. Just
come back and this entire goats testicle, yeah, will imbute
you with the power of the Why is it always
the most disgusting, smelly, like unappetizing things that are like
this will really turn you on. They're like, otherwise it's trash.
I've got to make it a sex or something. Just
(47:18):
do tend push up today, you know, just well there's
a lot and they're like, no, I don't have time.
It's going down in the next room. Just give me
the goat give me the goat cock right now, you're
right to. I mean, like, I mean, I think I
love oysters, but they're obviously really unappetizing. It was it
(47:40):
was Hemingway said to me, like was very brave. Was
the man who first ate an oyster? You know, like
that's meant meant to be an effort. Yeah, I'm acquired
taste for sure. How does don't know about that? I
don't know if I need an oyster? I mean, like,
and I don't know. They say about garlic too, but
that's another one. I'm like, does anyone eat a bunch
(48:01):
of garlic and go yes? I can't wing to mash
my mouth up against hers. I smelled you across the room,
and I knew it was a cloud as well. So
you know, I'm a big believer in being honest and
transparent about learning, and I'm gonna go out and say it.
I don't care if I embarrassed myself. I did not
(48:23):
know that goat eyelash cock rings were a thing I
must have that I must have missed that day m P.
And I apologize to everyone. It was a whole day
of health class. I kept nudging you, but you were
sound asleep. How would you fall asleep during that last
So stayed away for the etymology, but not this? So
(48:46):
what we all? This also makes me think of um
things that people have done, and this I do know
about things people have done in pursuit of enhanced sexual pleasure. Uh,
including what I would call minor surgery, because yeah, guys,
we can say this as dude, We'll do a lot
(49:06):
of crazy stuff if they think it gives them just
an edge switch. Don't really you have this covered there,
But like you know, I mean the Prince Albert literally
was created by Prince Albert. You know, you know it's
obviously a piercing yeah, through the the through the urethra
and out the bottom of the of the head. It's
(49:29):
terrifying prospects not worth it, but I guess it is
for some I don't know. I don't know. I don't
want to yu anyone, but you know, these are some
of the ones that you found, Diane. I think are
maybe a little more like impermanent, yes, fortunately, but still painful.
I don't know. But yeah. There's this book called Woman
(49:53):
and Historical Gynecological and Anthropological Compendium from and it's by
Hermann Heinrich Ploss, Max Bartle's and Paul Bartle's and they
say that this goat eyelash cock ring thing may have
originated in the Indonesian Islands and not in China, so
that's a little bit in dispute. And they also noted
(50:15):
from various tribes worldwide sex aids like inserting a brass
wire into the penis or putting little gold and silver
beads under its head and then binding it up with
a bit of bird down to tickle the sex partner
at the same time. Okay, folks out, you wouldn't put
(50:35):
a silver ball on your penis for me. No, I
don't need to hesitate on that one. That's just a
flat Okay, that's fair. I wouldn't ask it of you
to be fair, but thank you. Um. Yeah, so that
was an option that you could do. Again, I think
that's a ribbed for her pleasure thing, trying to make
your dick more special, I guess, or something. I mean
(50:57):
sticking of brass. Why, I guess that's for rigidity, right,
we're thinking so you can kind of bend them into
shapes like a paper clip animal. Oh oh wow, like
a like a paper clip animal. Yeah, I can see
how that would be possible. But I'm having a tough
time with the motivation, you know what I mean, teach
the exactly teach. Yes, I don't know. There might be
(51:20):
some people out there with very fascinating little giraffes they've
built out of their dicks. Well, I guess I'll look
at a gallery of it, but not for long. Um, yeah,
well I would. I would think also then that aside
from those kind of traditions, we already see the idea
of wanting to be associated with wealth like gold and silver,
the beads, Um, But what about did they ever move
(51:44):
on from the goat eyelash thing? Like? How how much
of history have I missed? I guess I'm asking was
this almost just like a thing that you knew about?
Or like no, no, no, no, no, I mean definitely
I was aware that, Like I think early condoms were
made of sheep skin, But that's the that's the degree
(52:05):
to which I was aware of using animal flesh on
your member um. But then you know, then you get
into what was this the Burmese bell Burmese bells. That's
a kind of the next the next level of this, right. Yeah,
this is another really interesting one. And this one could
be placed either inside the vagina prior to sex or
(52:27):
in the penis um. I guess it was for sale goop. Yeah, yeah,
it's very good for your vaginal health. Um. But they
were called exertion bell or Burmese bells. And this again
we're in the Ming dynasty, so this is a lot
of ancient Chinese, uh, sex aids, I guess. And they
(52:47):
were kind of copper or gold bell or ball shaped
objects that contained the sperm of a mythical Burmese bird
and apparently had to catch the sperm with like a
fake woman made of raw. There's like a whole sounds complicated, Yeah,
a whole complicated process to getting this sperm. And the
(53:08):
Ching scholar Chaoy describes holding one of these in his
hand and he said, quote, I found that as soon
as it had become a little warm, it started to
move on its own account, and a tiny sound emanated
from it. As soon as I put it back on
the table, the sound ceased. Oh god, I hope the
sound was like, oh, that would be fun. It was like,
(53:34):
I know what you're about to do, baby. But that
was the one like the bees where I was like,
if something starts to jump around and make its own noise,
I feel like I would not put it inside my body. Yeah.
I didn't go there, Ben. I was immediately just thought
this sperm is haunted sperms the man, which some people
(53:58):
would be into. It's true. Hey, I think we've done
them on this very show, or we will. Holy cow,
I'm blushing. But also, you know, I learned a lot
about what a ride my body, which is a temple
but also apparently a playground it has been throughout history. Yeah,
I learned. I I candidly learned some stuff that I
(54:21):
can't unlearn. A lot of uh, I can't remember if
this is if we already got to this part one.
I think we did a lot of stuff about goats.
M hm. Yeah. Yeah, it's I mean, mental images that
I can't unsee, but I don't want to. I'm if
I'm forever changed by them, and I'm okay. With that,
you know what an experience? What what a wild ride? Well,
(54:42):
and this is only part one, I've got to say though,
I can't wait until Thursday when we get part two out. Yeah,
we're definitely gonna get it out there. Um. Sorry to
anyone who who this topic wasn't for you. UM, well,
we'll make it up to you next week with some
really really vanilla content, we promise, just kidding. We know
(55:05):
there's no prudes in the squad. There's no prudes in
the squad in the meantime, thanks to, of course, Vanilla
ice Cream, thanks to our one and only super producer,
the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Mr Max Williams, thanks
to Casey Pegs, Vanilla Ice, thanks to Vanilla Ice, thanks
to Millie Vanilli, thanks to our own Millie Vanilli. Uh,
the one Man, Millie Vanilli himself, Mr Jonathan Strickland ak
(55:28):
the Quister. What do you think about that Street Ban
Street Team? You know what they call him, the one
Man Millie Vanilly. Well, I mean he does not play
well with others, even if there's LIPSTI can involved, So
that's on him, I would say. Thanks to Alex Williams,
who composed this banging Bob that you're hearing in your
ears right this very second. Thanks to Christopher Haciots and Eaves,
Jeff Codes here in spirit uh and most importantly, Ben,
(55:50):
thanks thanks to you for this opportunity to go on
a raunchy ride together. It was a lot of fun
and there's more to come. Yeah, big, big thanks. Of
course we've said it several times, but can't say enough.
Big things to Eli and Diana Banks for making such
a wonderful show, Big things to everybody throughout history who
(56:11):
got horny enough to mcgiver and experience together for themselves.
And of course no huge thanks to you, matt Ah,
You're too kind of We'll see you next time. Books.
For more podcasts for my Heart Radio, visit the i
heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
(56:33):
your favorite shows.
Ridiculous History is a production of I Heart Radio Breaking news.
(00:27):
Special announcement, Fellow Ridiculous Historians, it's your it's your pals. Uh.
Super producer Max and Noel and I'm Ben. We are
doing something a little bit different this week, and we
wanted to give you a heads up that this this
week's episodes are there's something special. They might not be
(00:48):
for everyone. And s f W and s f K
just just unsafe. No, actually, I mean they're they're safe.
You know, sex is a thing that people, that's that's
that's existence about history throughout the species, you know, I mean,
how else would we have continued to exist and thrive
on this planet if it weren't for the sexy private
(01:09):
times and that we go into that in detail in
today's episode. You might hear men and I say some
things that you're not used to hearing us say, because um,
we joined Diana and Elive Ridiculous Romance and discussing the
history of sex, not just sex, but sex toys, implements
used not only for procreation but for pleasure. Yeah, well said.
(01:30):
And I don't know about everybody else, but I definitely
learned some things and we enjoyed we enjoyed this episode
so much, this two part episode with Ridiculous Romance, that
we wanted to put it directly on our feed and
we got Diana Analizes permission, so so they're great with it.
(01:50):
But this is also a great way for you to
get a taste of what you can encounter on Ridiculous Romance.
It's not always I feel like they want us to
say this, it's not always about sex toys, but come
for the puns and then check out check out their
fantastic show as well because it legit is hilarious. And
(02:13):
then seriously, this is probably on par with you know,
I know, when we do stuff with Jack and Miles,
we kind of allow ourselves to untuck our shirts a
little bit, let our hair down, our hairs. This one
kind of takes that to the next level. I would say,
so more on par with the George Carlin episode that
we did where um, there was about a list of
of blue words that were banned in broadcasting. This is
(02:37):
kind of like that. So definitely not a co listening
experience unless it's you know, you and your and your
lover that would be good. So without further ado, let's
dive into the history of sex toys. Hey, their friends
come listen. Well, Elia and Diana got some stories to tell.
There's no match making a romantic tips. It's just about
(02:59):
particulous with the ships a love. It might be any
type of person at all, and abstract cons that don't
a concrete wall. But if there's a story where the
second plans Ridiculous rom a production of I Heart Radio. Hey, guys,
thank you so much for coming on the show. Right,
I too, am very excited and enthused, So I'm sorry. Yeah,
(03:23):
we woke these guys up at three am and told
them they had to come jump on the show. Sorry,
sorry for interrupting. And I was like, can I can
I bring clothes with me? I didn't get an answer,
but I found I found a T shirt. Um, So
I'm just not going to stand up while we record
out of respect for one. Yeah, but I know that
(03:45):
we were massively excited first off, big big fans of
ridiculous room massively yes, massively excited, uh positively vibrating with
pleasure because this is a this is a know uh
one thing we love about ridiculous romances, uh your ability
(04:05):
to explore things in a way that we often don't
in ridiculous history when you agree no explore Sorry yeah, no, no,
definitely this is going to be a journey, voyage of
self discovery. Uh yeah, I mean we you know, we
we try to keep it pg. Thirteen And honestly, like,
(04:26):
there's no reason that the history of sex toys can't
be pg. Thirteen. I mean, it's history. These are things,
These are artifacts, These are historic relic sometimes sacred in
many cases. Yeah, the history itself definitely p us talking
about it. We'll say I love it though. Yeah, this
is us. This is like me and Ben's chance to
(04:48):
really let it all hang out. We take you guys
off the leash, and we'll see what happens. Okay, wait,
what do we is this? I trust you guys, Diana
hel Is this a uh? Is this a episode where
we need a safe word? Or where are we at
with that? You know, a safe word is always a
good idea if you ever feel uncomfortable. Definitely, just you know,
(05:09):
I don't know, scream at the top of your lungs.
Hard word, that will be our safe word, right, hard
is a great safe no potential for misunderstanding there. I
always just preferred. I think we've mentioned on the show
before that. I just think the ultimate safe word is
just safe word. Why did you or something? When you're like,
look safe word, it says it all. It's safe word.
(05:30):
Safe word. You're done. I'm done. I'm not going to
accidentally say safe word in passion in the moment if
I don't mean it, unlike pineapples, which comes up a lot. Well, yeah,
kindly stop ram rotting. Sorry, the safe word must be
submitted in writing in triple kit. This is a question
that I think is on both my mind and and knowles. Uh,
(05:50):
what are some of the like you guys have gone
into some really um it's at times controversial territory for
a lot of people. So one of the things that
I think you always approach from such an empathetic human
angle is the idea of people's sexual explorations, right, I
(06:15):
think because we call it ridiculous romance, and you've had
stories that are almost entirely just just the romance. Right.
But today when you when you when you all came
to us with this idea of sex toys, I at
least I can't speak for unial. I knew they were
ancient because people have been into this for a long time.
(06:37):
But I don't think I grasped, uh grasp whatever. I
don't think I understood how like how intertwined with society, past,
present and future these things have been. And is it
true like are we at a did we just as
a society get out of a period where these things
(06:57):
were taboo? I have so many questions. Uh yeah, I
think so. I mean especially dildos particularly were vilified. At
one point in history. They were very, very common and
awesome and everybody loved them, and then they were like, wait,
do you think my wife will like this dildo better
than me? And then they kind of fell out of
(07:19):
favor with a gentleman. What am I going to be
a better lover? It's it's remarkable how frequently male in
security shape's history so remarkable, so remarkable, almost too much remarkable. Um.
I also did learn too that because it allowed gay men,
dildos allowed gay men to have sex without you know,
(07:42):
without actually uh putting their own body parts in each other.
They were able to have sex when they had HIV,
and so they became synonymous with having HIV for as well,
if you had a dildo meant you were you were
like had a deadly disease, which is very weird. But
obviously that change to make all right. Well, you know,
they were trying real hard to make everyone very scared
(08:05):
of gay people. Um, that's true during that period, so
I think they were trying anything, and they were trying
anything with stick speaking of sticks, Speaking of sticks. Early
on though, I mean, like the attitude towards sex was
pretty la fair, like I mean the earliest days, and
then it went through the kind of puritanical phase and
then sort of his come full circle. Um in the
(08:27):
modern day. I know we're going to get there, but
why don't we take it back to like antiquity and
like the discovery of the first mystical dildo of the gods? Well, yeah,
we I mean, we have been digging up dildos for
a very long time. They think the first one humans,
not us personally, We've only been digging up dildos for
(08:51):
a couple of months. But humans your backyard, it's weird.
I have no idea how they got there. It was
the oldest house on the street, they tell us. So
there was nothing but farmlance every dildo have. Everyone would
hide their dildos in our backyard. No, yeah, human beings
have been digging up dildos for a very long time.
(09:12):
They think they found the very first dildo in a
cave in Germany that dates back to the Ice Age,
so twenty eight thousand years ago, and it's made of
chalk chalk, I guess you gotta stay warm, but jeez,
feels dry though, doesn't it like something like that? Why
would you want to put but you something? But I mean,
(09:34):
I guess we're really desperate and the ice ages, so
you could really leave your mark, chalk it up, chok
it after you a lack of supplies. I don't know
what couldn't lead. It's a fashioned one out of like
a block of ice, just kind of make it like smooth.
I guess it would melt, but it would take you.
Do you want to put a block of ice like
inside your butt? Because I can tell you I would
(09:55):
not like it could be interesting? Who knows? I mean?
And stimula. It was the Ice Age. They were very
used to that feeling. Whatever. Isn't there another old one
that was discovered? Um, I believe somewhere in like Syria
that was like made of stone. There were like stone
ones as well, ste ivory, jade, probably bones. I imagine
(10:21):
I feel like that's a that's an obvious one to make,
a sure um. And if you look up prehistoric dildos,
they have a wide variety of sizes and girths and
different foreskin like options. They even came with tattoos or
little illustrations carved in them. So I love that there
(10:42):
was some art. They're like branded. They were branded, they
were like dildo. They probably had a close personal relationship,
you know. I assumed that even in more uh collectivist
early societies, there were still things that were considered kind
of like your personal property, like hey, this like a
(11:04):
like a two shot, you know, or like you know,
or your button plug or your dildo. But so, by
the way, I'm a mistake, I said Syria just kind
of off the top of my head. It was Germany,
I believe where they found this, these collections of silt
stone Germany. Some of these were like monogram Germany. The
early forefront of this techno makes sense exactly of anywhere
(11:28):
in the world where would you look for a dildo?
But Germany. You listened to your show, that's awesome. So
so there's another thing, you know, Diane, you found this
in your Researchen's something that really stood out to me
because you think a lot about not to get two
in the weeds, so you think a lot about uh,
material science to put it in the lamest way possible, Like, uh,
(11:52):
it makes sense that there would be something like a
smooth stone or ivory your bone or even would that
would make sense and probably have less of a risk
of injury or irritation. But what's up with the incredibly
silly name The Holdest Boy b O? I by pretty
(12:24):
good brandy, But yeah, what's the deal with that? This
is a dates back to ancient Greece, I believe, and
then carried over to some other adjacent culture. Oh yeah,
they were stuffed phalluses and they were made of polished leather,
and I guess that partly Sometimes you would even find
the stone ones with like a leather sheath so they
would be warmer and softer when okay there, um, so
(12:48):
that's part that was smart. I feel like they were
really thinking about comfort at some point, and they were like,
you know, while we're making coats and shoes, let's go
ahead set some aside. Somebody said, ladies, siltstone just isn't
doing it for me. A lot of russage and they
didn't work. Yeah, leather. Well, speaking of chafe, the ancient
(13:11):
Greeks would also use olive oil as a lubricant, So
there goes your chafing problem. You just get that bad boy,
that bad alive boy dipped in some olive oil. Surely
that that enters into the etymology of the word, right,
does that all his boy referencing oil? I wonder they
just I don't know. I always do this where I
(13:33):
see two vaguely similar words and I'm like, they must
be related. There's no way they're not. Pretty incidence because
I believe this is the first version of this that
was called this, and there were other cultures that used
that that term as well. It makes me think of
have you guys ever seen the movie Caligula? You know,
I didn't watch. Yeah, it's it's it's a lot. It
(13:54):
was produced by the publisher of Penthouse and they wanted
it to be like full Front Orgy or Giastic rat City.
But it's also like, you know, a really expensive, you know,
period movie with Malcolm McDowell playing the titular psychopath Emperor
of Rome. And there's a scene where he um he
uses olive oil uh to loop up his fist a thing. Yeah,
(14:19):
like like, I've got the etymology because the thinking of
this as well, and you know English being such a
language of the lazy and plagi plagiaristic people of the world. Uh,
we end up with a lot of things that may
seem like they are falsely related. But according to this
(14:39):
all his boy, which is the funny one is the
plural of olibos, which is ancient Greek for to slip,
to glide. You know, like that slipping slide commercial in
the eighties, right, you take a jump and take a die. Yeah.
I was like what And then Eli, you and I
(15:02):
are the olds in this conversation, whereas yeah, where I
as I believe olive is unrelated etymo logically, but dang
it again, Olive exactly like a game boy this. I'm
(15:23):
going to go retire to be with my olive boy.
There's another interesting thing here. We're talking about the cyclical
ups and downs of sex positivity for lack of a
better word, throughout human history. One thing that surprised me
in the research here is that the Greek men, to
(15:45):
your point about male insecurity, like the Greek men who
would go off to fighting wars were actually on board
with giving giving an olive boy to their partners. That yeah,
they thought that if women were left too long without
an injection of sperm in them, at some point, they
(16:06):
would eventually get hysteria or something called a wandering uterus.
Which I know. It's a tough time around the house
when my uterus jumps out and starts. It starts around myself,
you know, we get we always get calls from the neighbors.
Uterus is loose again, you know, a little buddy. You
just need a higher fence. I keep saying. I thought
(16:28):
I felt a little lighter, trying to find itself, you know,
it's just trying to understand who it really is, Like
what am I doing. I gotta say that this this
concept though, of like leaving the women with a dildo
so that they wouldn't you know, the uteruses wouldn't wonder.
It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase left
to their own devices. We have to have to noculate
(16:50):
you with sperm or else we will go insane, which
is so funny, and that I mean. It's noted here,
of course, that hysteria and sex toys have at a
very long historical link, mostly for women. You know, doctors
would uh do a pelvic massage for women that would
result in a paroxysm. Uh I was supposed to cure
(17:13):
them of hysteria, and I bet a lot of women
were like, yeah, I feel so hysterical today. I don't
know doctor showing me how I could do this maybe
at home for myself when a hysteria just comes on.
He's like, no, I think you need a professional. Was
(17:34):
this kind of like a like a slow shift, because
it seems like at first these sex toys are purely
meant for kind of you know, the most hedonistic of pleasures, um,
and then it starts to be more functional, where it's
like I am the man. I I you know, you
are my property and I'm going to give you this
as a stand in for me while I'm away. But
then it kind of started moving more towards like being
(17:56):
a medical device, right or we maybe we're not quite
there yet, but I think vibrators more specifically, we're we're
marketed as medical devices and dildos were not. So I
think that's why dildos actually had more controversy on them
than vibrators ever did, because vibrators never really had Yeah,
vibrators never really seemed to be a problem for people.
(18:18):
They were like, cool, whatever, get your steampowered thing and
have at it. But like, but it was like a
medical thing because ladies are so crazy they have to
have something, I guess. But with dildos it was more
about like actual penetration and men could use them, and
you know, lesbians used them and stuff, so it became
like more of a I guess I could see that.
(18:41):
You know, if you've got something the vibrates, then the men,
you know, well I can't do that, so at least
that's a different device. But if it's just a dildo,
I've got a perfectly good dick right here. What's the
problem you want to you want to dick in you?
I can make that happen. Yeah, getting a little more
aggravated about the diage. Maybe this is a great spot
(19:01):
for a break, So we'll be right back. Welcome back everyone.
So there's another question that I had that was a
very I guess, practical question, Like, obviously a chalk like
a dildo devised the chalk. It sounds like it's what
(19:23):
the person had to work with at the time. But
when you're thinking about people in the natural world where
there's not nearly as much technology as there is today
in two as we record this, wouldn't the natural world
already have some kind of like phallic thing you could
mess with, Like I don't know, I'm gonna make the
laziest choices like I was. No, we're not gonna tell
(19:47):
that story, Like, okay, I'll say it. So I was
in a grocery store during the height of the lockdown.
Will only go out from necessessin's whatever be massed up
and everything man been out in public in a while,
and the entire I think I mentioned to you guys
off air, the entire grocery store was filled with a
(20:08):
weirdly unnecessary sexual tension because people hadn't seen each other
in a while. Everybody's got an aura of mystery because
you know, two thirds of their faces covered. And I
was in the produce aisle and this, uh, there's a
person there, and I can tell you much more about
them who saw me, like selecting cucumbers for some stuff
(20:30):
I was gonna cook, and we're staring at me hard
to the point where I just put down the cucumbers
and thought, I'm gonna cook something else because this this
person is reading this more into this situation than you know,
my lay mass salad or whatever. And why I think
of that? You know, we like it's a trope in
(20:51):
it's a trope in so much Western Eurotica as well,
like watch this person eat fruit or whatever. So did
that play a role in the history of sex toys?
Most definitely. They're like ancient texts like Arabian Nights that
talk about fruit and vegetables and just any penis shaped object.
But the best one I saw was from this Ming
(21:14):
dynasty writer Taut sung E. And you know, we don't
speak Cantonese, but we try. Circuit thirteen sixty he wrote
about something called the Cantonese growing, which was a route
sufficiently penish shaped to be used as a dildo, mostly
by peasant women in like the country, rural areas. And
(21:34):
interestingly it was also called an olspos, So they probably
got that from ancient Greece. I imagine such a similar name,
yeah right, such a similar name. It must have been
the legend of this Cantonese groin is quote. In the
pastures of the Tartars, wild horses often copulate with dragons.
(21:56):
Drops of the semen will fall down and enter the earth,
and at for some time put forth shoots resembling bamboo
sprouts of pointed shape and covered with small scales close
together like the teeth of a comb, and with a
network of veins, making them very similar to the male member. Okay,
do you guys have teeth of a comb on your dad?
(22:20):
For you to ask me that, well, to be fair,
I mean not to get to you know, anatomically correct,
but why not. There is a seam, you know, on
the bottom of of of a penis that is vaguely
comb like or it's like a ridge kind of things,
zig zaggy kind of you. But yeah, the veiny part
(22:44):
is always just you know, sometimes I get these sweet
potatoes everything store that have all these veins up along
the side of them. It's very very upsetting trying to
say sweet potato, that's a very sweet any of the
produce section in general, you just got it. Don't go
when you skip cucumbers, where do you go? Because almost
(23:07):
everything well, it's so funny. The emoji is eggplant, which
is the one I would probably not turn to you
in a crisis. And actually another ming writer named Lee
you wrote a theatrical play about a lesbian couple who
use a double elise bos so they had double sided dildos,
(23:28):
like as far back as the thirt hundreds, and this
was a stick made of water ivory with two silk
bands attached to the middle. I guess you like pull
on it? Yeah, well you need a grip, right, something
to grip on. That makes sense. So I assuming we
I haven't seen these this play, I've not. I don't
think there's been mounted in a while. Hasn't been mounted?
(23:51):
Is it? Is it double sided? Like? Like? Yeah? They
were saying in this the in this uh book about them,
the main writers that female homosexuality was very common and
considered to be a fine, normal thing, no problem ladies
(24:13):
have at but male homosexuality was very frowned upon at
the same time, which is so interesting to me, the
gendered wells about homosexuality. It's interesting because there was also,
especially in the upper class, there was a uh, some
pretty distinct sharp lines around gender division. Right, so you
could end up being, you know, some wine of noble birth,
(24:37):
and you're you're not gonna meet a lot of dudes
who are not, you know, either working for you or
or your relatives. So maybe how far historically, is this
after ancient Greek? And ancient said it's a long time. Yeah,
because I mean, like you know, in those in those days,
(24:58):
the moment, I mean it was like almost like like cool,
not cool to be by or by curious or have
like a stable being penetrated. You had to be a
tops only, which is so funny because if everyone is
a top, then where were they putting it? By the way, guys,
(25:19):
what's a power? Bottom? Somebody explained to me, what a power?
Have you not seen this explanation? Okay, I'll just maybe
maybe some ridiculous romantics. We'll get a we'll get an
answering machine on a later episode. Yeah, but it wasn't
just vegetables and fruit that people used. Um. Speaking of
(25:44):
ancient Greece. In a book called The Joy of Sexist Love,
Less Lust, Love and Longing in the Ancient World by
Vicky Leon, breadstick dildos were a common thing. Were the bottomless? No,
they all found the bottom? I think, yeah, I don't
(26:09):
think any of us absolute. Okay, So first off, I
always shout to Larry David, but the crumbs, right like croms,
This is my first question exact. Plus, I guess you
have to have enough bread that you would let one
sit by get stale enough to do the job. Plus
plus I'm thinking you bust out the olive oil and
(26:31):
there's a and there's a loaf of bread. I'm not
I'm not gonna do anything, but immediately it's gonna be
gone black pepper in there. Yeah, yeah, no, I wouldn't.
It's food is just gonna come before sex for me. Also,
I have a real um not phobia, but I'm just
sort of squigged out a little bit by incorporating food
(26:54):
stuffs into sex stuff. Say, I just don't think the
twain should should meet. Like I don't even like like
like sexy rawberry use that's just no, just yeah, don't
care like inviting ants to hang out in your bedroom
and he's already going to be stickiness eventually anyway, But
that's how you know it's over. You don't want sticking
this in advance, how you know we're dead. Oh man.
(27:16):
I also don't like the idea of putting yeast anywhere
near your vagina to the issues down there. But apparently
this happened when at an ancient bakery, when quote a
gal with time on her hands started full around with
bread dough for like a loose woman hands right while
(27:42):
listiviously daydreaming. She created an ossbo colics, the bread stick dildo,
the sex industry's first green product. Well done, very important
to be sustainable in our sex toy expliration. I'm sure
that was your primary con cern thousands of years. Yeah,
(28:05):
people are gonna go plastic waste. I'm onto something. You
guys are calling me weird, but just wait one day,
we're going to want to get power from the sun.
So yeah, this is this is uh fascinating because it
sounds like it caught on and became kind of a
(28:25):
cottage industry, at least in ancient Athens. Uh. Yeah, there
was a There was a note from that interview that
Leon did with the Huffington Post where she answered a
question that I was a little too hesitant to ask
because I'm one of the more immature people in today's conversation.
(28:45):
What happens to the bread after yes, you sell it
for half price obviously, or you sell it for the
price okay on fans. You could probably sell it for
some weird Greek guy out there. It's like, I'm that
bread were always selling their used underwear and there's someone
(29:06):
for some crazy shit. You know. That's the thing. There's
always what did you say? Oh did they leon said?
These breadsticks were these oldest most colleagues excuse me? Were
a custom made to fit and quote even nutritious. Should
the need arise? Should a different need arise? Yeah, it's
(29:27):
sort of like an elegal bread yeah, functional in edible
nutritious though, well bread my question. I mean that's a
that's a very broad term, you know, like a multi grain.
So there was some kind of friction. Yeah, sure, sure,
(29:49):
with or without rise seeds. Dr Ruth is probably this
I'm gonna go with. Well, it depends do you want
it ribbed for her pleasure? And maybe that's what the
rides there. You Yeah, there's a reference to using dildos
in the playlist is Strata, which is about women who
go on a sex strike to stop a warm So
they definitely I wonder if they ever used Baggett's and like,
(30:11):
I kind of want to do a production now they're like, well,
I got we're all set over here. Well, the war
is going terribly, but our grain industry is just dominating.
Time for a teeny weeny commercial break. We will be
right back welcome back to the show, everybody. Okay, I
(30:32):
got I'll stop going back to the weird idea that
people have to have quote sperm injections to not go
crazy because there's there's no sperm involved obviously, right with
I mean, I'm not a baker, but okay, yeah, just
but I suppose if you made like a Neclaire, you
know there might be something there for a boy that's
(30:55):
my nickname. I said it was cream Field. I didn't
tell you what kind of cream I did sell you.
No refunds and you're welcome. So we're we're looking. I
think it's safe to say that, like what we're already
seeing is a long established pattern of people, honestly, people
(31:18):
taking some agency for themselves, and people say I don't
necessarily need another person and all that baggage that comes
with it. Uh. If I already know what I want?
Um right, and this this is a trend that content,
I gotta say spoiler alert, uh for everybody listening. I
am so excited to get to some poetry in a second,
(31:41):
because I'm like emotionally nine years old. But I think
we've got maybe just something, just another thing to add
in here beforehand, which is we've also established past the
world of like so past the ancient world. When we're
talking about a lot of this stuff, we're talking about
(32:02):
people who are probably considered to be people of means.
I mean, history itself as we know it is is
kind of inherently a history of the literate class, because
they're the ones who could write. So are I guess
what I'm asking? I'm not sure how to freeze this
what we're rich people doing at this point, Like they
(32:23):
weren't using bread, that's what the servants were for. No,
but you're so right they I don't think they used
as many root vegetables and stuff because they had money
to pay for nice things and um. By the time
of the Renaissance, rich folks had Dildo's custom made from
(32:46):
silver and ivory and gold and other like precious materials.
So they had like I mean, very valuable sex toys
in their possession and probably beautifully decorated. Did don't you
think oh you I would think that, yeah, because you're
showing them off to the neighbors right herself in your
bedroom and you're like, hick, this one has is adorned
(33:09):
with garne. There's a certain element of keeping up with
the Joneses of course the sex toys aium. I think
I really skip this period in history already, but I
just wanted to mention something that I though I ran
across um in terms of like what the rich we're doing. Uh,
(33:32):
there's a rumor. I think it's backed up with with
actual findings, archaeological findings. But apparently Cleopatra would use like
a papyrus box full of live bees as like first analog.
I saw a hollow gourd that she filled with bees
and that was the first legend says that was the
(33:53):
first vibrator um, which I have never wanted to get
off enough to put live bees anywhere close to my body.
But if okay, seriously high road people, Diana, geez, Cleopatra
it was a different world. She had different things available
to her, different available so true, Well, what mean yeah
(34:19):
for words? You like? If you feel a loss for words,
I think you have perfect timing, my friend, because we're
finally getting to a little bit of poetry. And what
I love about this kind of poetry is that, just
like Beethoven's really dirty songs about farting and stuff, it
(34:40):
proves that people back then we're not really different from
people today. Uh and yeah, in school we read about
we read about the the high flutine, noble stuff. But
I think I think sometimes we miss just how potty
humor the human population news. I kind of compare it
(35:02):
to like, you think your dad didn't look at porn,
but he definitely looked at porn and his father and
on and on. I mean, that's very true. I think
that's an interesting thing about history is remembering that people
(35:22):
loved to have sex, people love to make jokes. I
remember listening to a Noble Blood episode that podcast Noble
Blood is very good, and she was talking about reading
some people. She was like, historians take this story really seriously,
as this like leader being a bit to her like whatever.
But she's like, it's actually clearly a practical joke. If
(35:45):
you look at it as a prank, it's just a
funny thing she was doing with her court. You have
to remember that people did did play jokes on each
other back in the day where fully stoic all the
time and winning wars or whatever. But yes, speaking of etymology,
I know you're an etymology fan, Nol, but the actual
(36:06):
word I do love etymology myself, but the word dildo
came from our friends, the Italians. Thank you, Thank you Italy.
If it came from the word do letto, meaning to delight,
makes sense, slide and glide and delight the three things.
(36:27):
The double D sound is always just a fun it's
a delight to say dildo. It sounds like like a real,
real silly goofy thing. Yeah, and I've got to ask,
so uh beat behind the curtain folks for years, always
trying to convince our bosses to let me do an
etymology show right in and tell them we should uh
(36:48):
and that the four of us will do it. I'm
volunteering everybody here. We need your help. But this reminds
me another another word that came into English usage from
Italian is uh dilettante, And I think it has the
same ultimate route right to do. So my question is,
(37:11):
even though now we call dilatant, you know, we call
the definition a lover of the arts or whatever. Um,
did it mean dildo people in the beginning A lover
of the dildos? It's people who had way too many
in their dildo orium whatever, Like she has a whole
(37:32):
other room. Guys, why would I needlock? I don't even
have ad dildo let alone, MANI it would accommodate an
entire rack. We'll be adding another wing onto the palace.
But yeah, we have a really wonderful, hilarious body poem
(37:53):
about kind of about the Italian influence here. It was
by John Wilma, who was the second Earl of Rochester,
and he was apparently well known for his lewd poetry
that he would write. And um, we pulled out some
select verses from kind of a long poem called signor
Dildo that he wrote. That's that's Mr Dildo, right Di Dildo.
(38:19):
So yeah, I say, let's head on down to poetry
corner and here signor Dildo by John Wilmot. You would
take him at first for no person of note, because
he appears in a plain leather coat. But when you
his virtuous abilities, no you'll fall down and worship Signor Dildo.
(38:41):
My lady South ask heaven prosper her fort. First clothed
him in satin, then brought him to court, but his
head in the circle he scarcely durst show so modest
a youth was Signor Dildo. The Countess of foul myth
of whom people tell of. It's been wear shirts of
a guinea and now might save that expense if she did.
(39:06):
But know her lustier swinger you signor del do whoa
the pattern of virtue, Her grace of Cleveland has swallowed
more bricks than the ocean has slant rhyme right there,
I gotta get in. Credit has said Cleveland has sat.
(39:35):
But by rubbing and scrubbing so wide does it grow?
It is fit for just nothing. But the Senora Dilda
our dainty fine duchesses have got a trick to dote
on a fool for the sake of his brick. The
fops were undone, did their graces, but no the discretion
(39:57):
and the vigor of signor dildo. This senior is sound
safe ready and dumb as ever was candle, carrot or
thumb been away with these nasty devices, and show how
you rate the just merit of seeing your dildo? Beautiful,
(40:19):
beautiful beautiful. So I want to point out just two things,
real quick. First, dumb in that last first great read
everybody wait three things, um. Second, dumb in this sense
most likely just means silent, but it works, it works
very well. Yeah, congratulations himbo. So I also I don't
(40:43):
think We said this in the beginning as we were
excited about talking about this off air. Um Diana Eli.
This is not the full poem. These are excerpts. Have
it in the notes as select versus from this poem.
My question is how long is this book? Is? Just
like also exactly, I had nothing else to do. So
(41:09):
this ship went on for like I think it was
like eighteen or nineteen stands any name dropped so many
people and I'm like, I hope they're real, Like were
they here listening? Like are you trying to say that
I have swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand?
So specifically people, well, this is I don't know if
(41:30):
they're real people, but I think so. I think I
think he is at least referring some because this happened
a lot in uh In in aristocratic circles. They would
write stuff that are roasty kind of like they would
they would be writing stuff that's like, you know, they
put a different name on it, but everybody knew who
(41:51):
you meant. You know, you meant that slutty chick over there,
you know, yeah exactly. So it was always like some
unders some shade, and he was trying to one thing
I love about this style of poetry is it's so
smug and self satisfied, like just like I'm gonna do
the thing again, like at the end of it. You know,
(42:12):
it's just like, yeah, like the fact that there's like
the fact that there's so many more stands us than
this that we left out just hammers that home even
for right on the head. I am just so delightfully
body and uh and hilarious. That's what this guy's Oh yeah,
(42:32):
he was very proud of this poem. I'm sure very
excited to share with all the ladies that he was
talking about it, like, hey, I put you in my poem.
Oh my god, thank you? What man, you never read
it first? Should come to the show. I also wonder
if the Countess of Falmouth was like, oh, so I
don't have to funck my footman and give him nice stuff.
(42:54):
I could just get me a little toy to put
in the house. This this is also this is where
we see like a turn. So it's widely accepted, even
though it might be a little edgy. Right. Uh, this
guy's doing insult comedy tail as old as time, right Uh,
but as as you guys have been telling us before.
(43:17):
Eventually there was there was a time where guys started
to promote h dudes, I mean specifically started to associate,
but they ran a smear campaign against still those right,
it's promiscurity, it's a v D. But at the same time,
for the entire time, dudes had their their own toys,
(43:40):
right and uh, Eli, I'm just I'm gonna have to
go hashtag no pun left behind because it's sincere. When
you at the very top of the show said male
insecurity because it's been a long day for me, I
thought you met a male hyphen I n space security. Yeah.
I don't know what to do with that pun, but
I don't want to leave it out in the cold.
(44:01):
So yeah, yeah, like a guard, some guard who can't uh,
you know many securities. Will belos romantics help us out.
Just explain that punt to us, the punt. So, uh,
this is fascinating because we haven't talked about something that,
(44:22):
uh is apparently quite popular. I feel weird saying it.
I feel like my mom's gonna come back and find
me if I say this. Cock rings yeah, oh god,
but they're old to dude. My favorite I do one
of my favorite Mr Show sketches like a fake commercial.
It's like cock Rane warehouse. Any cock will do, but
(44:45):
they're like so bored that they're like, come on down
to the Cockrane, the cock Rane new and used, cock
Ran vintage. Yeah, I like it. I love that. It's hilarious,
it's fantastic. But yeah, they are act pretty old school
cock rings. They have been around for a long time.
Um part partly, I guess because of that male in security,
(45:06):
because they're supposed to help you achieve or keep an
erection for longer. So it's kind of part of I
guess that where they're like I need something to like
make sure UM given her the goods about edging where
you're sort of keeping yourself, it's almost like a tantric
thing where you're sort of like holding back, you know,
(45:27):
you're trying to not you know, climax in two point
five seconds, trying to give it some time. There's a
book called The Book of Kink Sex Beyond the Missionary
by Ava Christina, and it says that in the Gin
and Song dynasties in China around a d D, they
would make cock rings out of a goat's eyelid because
(45:52):
it's already a circle of skin and then they would
leave the lashes on the like, can I just say
the things we've done to goats on this show, and
even when we went on your show last time for
Valentine's Day, as we put goats through Yeah, there's some
(46:15):
goat vivisection involved in one of those rituals that we
talked about. It was it was the goat skins. They
would We had a guy marry a goat in a
recent episode that we talked about that. But yeah, that
we just we are we're putting goats through it. Yeah. Well,
it's part of a long history too of looking to
(46:35):
the natural world for things that are thought to in
one way or another enhanced sexual performance. Right, And even
that even exists today with the various different unproven or
disproven stories that say, hey, you know what, this thing
is an aphrodisiac. I know it sounds crazy. Just let
this guy slap you with a goat skin a couple
(46:57):
of times and then come back and thank me. Just
come back and this entire goats testicle, yeah, will imbute
you with the power of the Why is it always
the most disgusting, smelly, like unappetizing things that are like
this will really turn you on. They're like, otherwise it's trash.
I've got to make it a sex or something. Just
(47:18):
do tend push up today, you know, just well there's
a lot and they're like, no, I don't have time.
It's going down in the next room. Just give me
the goat give me the goat cock right now, you're
right to. I mean, like, I mean, I think I
love oysters, but they're obviously really unappetizing. It was it
(47:40):
was Hemingway said to me, like was very brave. Was
the man who first ate an oyster? You know, like
that's meant meant to be an effort. Yeah, I'm acquired
taste for sure. How does don't know about that? I
don't know if I need an oyster? I mean, like,
and I don't know. They say about garlic too, but
that's another one. I'm like, does anyone eat a bunch
(48:01):
of garlic and go yes? I can't wing to mash
my mouth up against hers. I smelled you across the room,
and I knew it was a cloud as well. So
you know, I'm a big believer in being honest and
transparent about learning, and I'm gonna go out and say it.
I don't care if I embarrassed myself. I did not
(48:23):
know that goat eyelash cock rings were a thing I
must have that I must have missed that day m P.
And I apologize to everyone. It was a whole day
of health class. I kept nudging you, but you were
sound asleep. How would you fall asleep during that last
So stayed away for the etymology, but not this? So
(48:46):
what we all? This also makes me think of um
things that people have done, and this I do know
about things people have done in pursuit of enhanced sexual pleasure. Uh,
including what I would call minor surgery, because yeah, guys,
we can say this as dude, We'll do a lot
(49:06):
of crazy stuff if they think it gives them just
an edge switch. Don't really you have this covered there,
But like you know, I mean the Prince Albert literally
was created by Prince Albert. You know, you know it's
obviously a piercing yeah, through the the through the urethra
and out the bottom of the of the head. It's
(49:29):
terrifying prospects not worth it, but I guess it is
for some I don't know. I don't know. I don't
want to yu anyone, but you know, these are some
of the ones that you found, Diane. I think are
maybe a little more like impermanent, yes, fortunately, but still painful.
I don't know. But yeah. There's this book called Woman
(49:53):
and Historical Gynecological and Anthropological Compendium from and it's by
Hermann Heinrich Ploss, Max Bartle's and Paul Bartle's and they
say that this goat eyelash cock ring thing may have
originated in the Indonesian Islands and not in China, so
that's a little bit in dispute. And they also noted
(50:15):
from various tribes worldwide sex aids like inserting a brass
wire into the penis or putting little gold and silver
beads under its head and then binding it up with
a bit of bird down to tickle the sex partner
at the same time. Okay, folks out, you wouldn't put
(50:35):
a silver ball on your penis for me. No, I
don't need to hesitate on that one. That's just a
flat Okay, that's fair. I wouldn't ask it of you
to be fair, but thank you. Um. Yeah, so that
was an option that you could do. Again, I think
that's a ribbed for her pleasure thing, trying to make
your dick more special, I guess, or something. I mean
(50:57):
sticking of brass. Why, I guess that's for rigidity, right,
we're thinking so you can kind of bend them into
shapes like a paper clip animal. Oh oh wow, like
a like a paper clip animal. Yeah, I can see
how that would be possible. But I'm having a tough
time with the motivation, you know what I mean, teach
the exactly teach. Yes, I don't know. There might be
(51:20):
some people out there with very fascinating little giraffes they've
built out of their dicks. Well, I guess I'll look
at a gallery of it, but not for long. Um, yeah,
well I would. I would think also then that aside
from those kind of traditions, we already see the idea
of wanting to be associated with wealth like gold and silver,
the beads, Um, But what about did they ever move
(51:44):
on from the goat eyelash thing? Like? How how much
of history have I missed? I guess I'm asking was
this almost just like a thing that you knew about?
Or like no, no, no, no, no, I mean definitely
I was aware that, Like I think early condoms were
made of sheep skin, But that's the that's the degree
(52:05):
to which I was aware of using animal flesh on
your member um. But then you know, then you get
into what was this the Burmese bell Burmese bells. That's
a kind of the next the next level of this, right. Yeah,
this is another really interesting one. And this one could
be placed either inside the vagina prior to sex or
(52:27):
in the penis um. I guess it was for sale goop. Yeah, yeah,
it's very good for your vaginal health. Um. But they
were called exertion bell or Burmese bells. And this again
we're in the Ming dynasty, so this is a lot
of ancient Chinese, uh, sex aids, I guess. And they
(52:47):
were kind of copper or gold bell or ball shaped
objects that contained the sperm of a mythical Burmese bird
and apparently had to catch the sperm with like a
fake woman made of raw. There's like a whole sounds complicated, Yeah,
a whole complicated process to getting this sperm. And the
(53:08):
Ching scholar Chaoy describes holding one of these in his
hand and he said, quote, I found that as soon
as it had become a little warm, it started to
move on its own account, and a tiny sound emanated
from it. As soon as I put it back on
the table, the sound ceased. Oh god, I hope the
sound was like, oh, that would be fun. It was like,
(53:34):
I know what you're about to do, baby. But that
was the one like the bees where I was like,
if something starts to jump around and make its own noise,
I feel like I would not put it inside my body. Yeah.
I didn't go there, Ben. I was immediately just thought
this sperm is haunted sperms the man, which some people
(53:58):
would be into. It's true. Hey, I think we've done
them on this very show, or we will. Holy cow,
I'm blushing. But also, you know, I learned a lot
about what a ride my body, which is a temple
but also apparently a playground it has been throughout history. Yeah,
I learned. I I candidly learned some stuff that I
(54:21):
can't unlearn. A lot of uh, I can't remember if
this is if we already got to this part one.
I think we did a lot of stuff about goats.
M hm. Yeah. Yeah, it's I mean, mental images that
I can't unsee, but I don't want to. I'm if
I'm forever changed by them, and I'm okay. With that,
you know what an experience? What what a wild ride? Well,
(54:42):
and this is only part one, I've got to say though,
I can't wait until Thursday when we get part two out. Yeah,
we're definitely gonna get it out there. Um. Sorry to
anyone who who this topic wasn't for you. UM, well,
we'll make it up to you next week with some
really really vanilla content, we promise, just kidding. We know
(55:05):
there's no prudes in the squad. There's no prudes in
the squad in the meantime, thanks to, of course, Vanilla
ice Cream, thanks to our one and only super producer,
the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Mr Max Williams, thanks
to Casey Pegs, Vanilla Ice, thanks to Vanilla Ice, thanks
to Millie Vanilli, thanks to our own Millie Vanilli. Uh,
the one Man, Millie Vanilli himself, Mr Jonathan Strickland ak
(55:28):
the Quister. What do you think about that Street Ban
Street Team? You know what they call him, the one
Man Millie Vanilly. Well, I mean he does not play
well with others, even if there's LIPSTI can involved, So
that's on him, I would say. Thanks to Alex Williams,
who composed this banging Bob that you're hearing in your
ears right this very second. Thanks to Christopher Haciots and Eaves,
Jeff Codes here in spirit uh and most importantly, Ben,
(55:50):
thanks thanks to you for this opportunity to go on
a raunchy ride together. It was a lot of fun
and there's more to come. Yeah, big, big thanks. Of
course we've said it several times, but can't say enough.
Big things to Eli and Diana Banks for making such
a wonderful show, Big things to everybody throughout history who
(56:11):
got horny enough to mcgiver and experience together for themselves.
And of course no huge thanks to you, matt Ah,
You're too kind of We'll see you next time. Books.
For more podcasts for my Heart Radio, visit the i
heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
(56:33):
your favorite shows.
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