Ridiculous History Presents: A History of "Adult" Toys, Part 2

While it's a taboo subject in the modern day, it turns out people have been improvising ways to pleasure themselves since, well, the dawn of history. In the second part of this week's two-part takeover episode, Ben and Noel join Eli and Diana Banks, real-life spouses and creators of the hit podcast Ridiculous Romance, to discuss the strange, ridiculous (and at-times disturbing) history of sex toys across the planet. Heads-up, this one gets a little raunchy.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ridiculous History is a production of I Heart Radio A

(00:26):
little Ridiculous Historians. This is your heads up that we
are doing something a little bit different this week that
might not be for everyone. It's a wild ride. We
very much enjoyed it. We're hanging with our good good
friends Eli and Diana Banks at Ridiculous Romance. But no,
we're talking about something a little saucier than we would

(00:49):
talk about on Ridiculous History, aren't we. That's right. Today's
episode is about the history of sauce. No, a different
kind of sauce. Um No, yeah, sauciness, that's right, Ben.
Today's episode is part two of the History of Sex Toys,
about implements throughout history that have been designed to stimulate
and to arouse. So understandably, this is one that's maybe

(01:13):
not for the kiddos, you know, unless they're I mean,
they've sort of stripped sex said from the schools these days,
so maybe that's exactly what the kiddos need. Who are
we to say, we just wanted to give fair warning
as all. There's gonna be some uh, some raunchy talk, yes,
frank and candid talk, uh, enlightening, illuminating, and it's an
It's an interesting way to explore history. It's an interesting

(01:36):
way to explore society as well. I do want to
see our bodies and our bodies which are wonderlands. As
you mentioned earlier. If you, uh, if you enjoy family
experience where you're listening with more sensitive loved ones or
with kids, uh, we draw your attention to some earlier

(01:56):
episodes we did. I just want to take a second
knowl and brag. Can we brag? Can we brag on?
Max Williams? Super producer Max Williams surprised the heck out
of us just recently, right before we hit the road
when I once again through Max under the Lionel train

(02:17):
and acted like we had a big sounds cue on
the way. But hot gosh, man, he did it. Also,
I'm saying, hot gosh, No, yeah, that that's not There's
not gonna be any of that hedging uh in the
actual episode, No, hot gosh, we go we go full
bore Ethan and Jeff m but no man. I UM,
I was in a bit of a slump that day.

(02:37):
I was having some family issues that I was dealing with.
And um our buddy uh and compatriot Matt Frederick Mr.
Matt Frederick. Mr. Matt Frederick texted me repeatedly asking me
to check out the QA for that day's episode or
there the episode that went live, and finally got around
to it and realized that Max had in fact recruited Matt, Matt,

(03:00):
Max and Matt to do a guest vocal on the
Max with the Facts sound cue, which is now forever
emblazoned uh in the cannon of ridiculous history. So thank
you both for that because it certainly cheered me right up.
That's wonderful, that's wonderful, and this is this is one
of the parts of this world right now. Yeah, yeah,

(03:21):
we said that sneaking in phone back and he's fallen
thellege just for you right now here we fact God,
so good, so good, And should we hear the other one? Yeah,
let's hear the ultra one. Why not phone back and

(03:45):
he drop in the hollege just for you. So good.
There we go, oh, oh, so good. It's a Mommy
for the ears. You can check that out in the
wild on a previous episode. Again, if you're listening with
kiddo's or maybe the Sex Toys episode is not for

(04:06):
everyone in your family, but we do urge you to
check out this episode and part one of the history
of Sex Toys. This is a ridiculous romance production. More importantly,
subscribe to their show because, uh, they've really got it together. Actually,
Nolan Nolan, I talked about that off air. They are

(04:26):
legit and we cannot wait for you to hear them,
not to mention the whole ridiculous universe that's coming together.
We've now got ridiculous crime which is now out there
on the scene, and I believe by the time this
episode comes out, we will have heard the announcement of
Ridiculous News with our buddies Bill and Mark at the

(04:46):
Helm of Ridiculous News, which will be a UM weekly
or twice a week UM topical and Evergreen simultaneously somehow,
because these guys are weird wizards show that tackles everything
ridiculous in the news, which we know there's plenty of yes, yeah,
and we are going to have them on an episode
very very soon. So in the meantime, if you've ever

(05:09):
asked yourself, let's see where chastity belts come from? This
this part two is especially for you, hey, accidental rhyme
or on purpose who knows here we go. Hey the French,
come listen. Well, Elia and Diana got some stories to tell.
There's no match making, all romantic tips. It's just about

(05:32):
pridiculous relationships. A love it might be any type of
person at all, and abstract cons that are a concrete wall.
But if there's a story where the second glance ridiculous
role that a production of I Heart Radio. Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show. IM so glad to have
you as always. Yes, very exciting for part two today

(05:55):
of our crossover with Ridiculous History hosts Ben Bowling and
Noel Brown. Guys, welcome back, Thank you for being here.
It is we remain. We went through a lot. In
that lot, we learned a lot. I think. No, oh yeah,
there was a lot of school girlish tittering going on.
I was stimulated in both body and mind, and I

(06:20):
was horrified. So all the ridiculous romance boxes are checked.
Three tiers of any successful relationship, right, stimulating mind and uh,
you knows horrified, Yes, so we Um, thank you guys
so much for having us back on for our second date. Um,

(06:41):
this was a wild ride. I'm not going to look
at goats the same way for a while. Never Never,
you really hung up on that goat island with the
organic French tickler. Huh yeah, God yeah, it's painful. Um,
but we're going to move past all that today. Uh,
We're gonna leave the goats behind. We're talking about sex dolls.

(07:05):
We're talking about chastity belts and all the mysteries surrounding
them and beneath them. So to start us off, let's
let's talk about sex dolls. Where where do they come from?
What's it all about? I guess making a little avatar
of your desires is probably pretty old school as long
as we've had imaginations, right, people are like, I'll just

(07:26):
pile some clothes together and see if I can making it.
But according to black Book mag dot com, they have
an article called sex Dolls a timeline which is very useful. Um,
there were sailors in the fifteenth century who would take
dolls that were, um, they were clothes stuffed with straw

(07:48):
or with rags basically, and they were very not that
humanoid looking. They're just kind of a vaguely human shape.
It's hard to stuff clothes into a realistic dummy. Asked
me how I know. Oh, I don't think we're going
to but this, well, so is it like those creepy
body pillows especially? Yeah? Sure, well, and then imagine some

(08:14):
of them are straw, which is like so itchy, and
I don't know, it doesn't seems as comfortable as rags.
But they called them dom de voyage of the voyage, Yes,
and they were just to occupy them while they were,
you know, in their long journeys at sea. They would
have and we did actually a whole episode about gay

(08:37):
pirates um and they often would would would sometimes use
each other, but I guess they would also sometimes take
on these these stuffed rag dolls. Do you think kind
of prison rules apply it? See, like what happens at
It's like, I'm not actually gay, I'm just marooned. So

(09:01):
what I think is interesting isn't. In the last episode,
we talked about how people said women couldn't survive without
an injection of seamen at some point or they would
go insane. And yet here are these men going on
a voyage who can't be gone for three months without
putting their dick in something. S Yeah exactly. Are you

(09:22):
guys familiar with the concept of a FIEFI I don't
know if this is just something that like my friend
made up or if this is like it definitely represents
an actual thing that you guys will be familiar with.
But this is a term that my friend Frank, friend
of the show, friend of the universe uses for an
improvised sexual device us Like, let's say a toilet paper

(09:46):
roll stuffed with tissue filled with petroleum jelly. You know,
it could be uh wintermel specific. I'm just just as
as an example as another another confirmed or deny this.
They could just be you know, two couch cushions. Um
there you know, there any anything that you can use

(10:07):
as a stand in for um, you know, the genuine article.
But yeah, I don't know. I didn't know if anyone
else has heard that term before. Yeah, if you go
to uh, I guess we have. This is the website.
If you go to all one word make pockets pussy
dot com, you'll see how to make a FIEFI f

(10:29):
I f I for everybody who also wants to ruin
their search history. UNA make a FEEFI that's sailed for us,
that sailed that is, it's probably got its own dom
the voyage now. But but so like this has to
have come a long way right at this point, I

(10:50):
know that now is surely now. It's like if somebody
is making a a scarecrow uh thing to have sex with,
it's because that's what they want, right, aren't there better
to be? There's so many options now, like all those
real dolls and stuff that people. Oh, you can't tell

(11:11):
the difference between these and real humans anymore. It's straight
up Jude Law Ai. It's I can get a Jude
law real doll. Let me look at you. Yourself might
be a sex dollar not know it. This is the
future we're moving towards. How have we not seen a
movie about a sentient sex doll? They gets broad, they

(11:33):
gets turned into because it comes from being a real
doll to being a real woman, like in Pinocchio situation.
You know, questions see that sort of like there's that
movie Mannequin from the eighties, sort of that thing a
little bit, But I don't know. I want to see
that story updated. Yeah, A two four will probably get
on it at some point. They make all those ai

(11:54):
true true. I love that stuff and all the modern
horror the right exactly. Um, but if you loved the
modern sex doll, like real dolls and other versions of that.
Unfortunately you have the Nazis to think for those man
um But in one the s S leader Heinrich Himler,

(12:17):
actually was very of the show. Enemy of the show. Apparently,
was very concerned with the Nazi soldiers in like the
front lines in Paris and stuff, going to visit too
many prostitutes and getting STDs. And he was basically like,
STDs are killing more of our soldiers than bullets are.
So he's like, we need to give them something instead

(12:38):
of going to visit these real women. We need to
give him something else. So he got a sculptor named
Arthur Rink involved in a project called the borg Killed
Field Hygiene Project, and it was considered more secret than
top secret, which considering their top secret things, pretty is
funny to me. There's the Holy Grail and then a

(12:58):
few not just below that, sex dolls. Sex. But that's
his contribution to history. Like Arthur Rink made the sex
doll his death bed. He's like, let my legacy live on,
stab my name on the foot of every sex doll.

(13:19):
So Black Book mag writes that quote. The sculptor on
the project, Arthur Rink created three types of dolls. He
had three different types. According to Rink, the s s
wanted the breasts round and full, of course, and ss
dr Olan Hennison insisted on a rose hip form that

(13:40):
would grip well. Okay, so he's like a consultant on this.
He like walked in, so he was like, listen, here's
all my wish list. You know, do what you do best, Arthur,
You're the sculptor, but I have some notes. Let's talk ergonomics.
I want a good gripping surface. Nothing's worse than losing

(14:01):
your grip. Right, these guys are already a war. Let's
make it simple. Um. And then for the face, they
were going back and forth on a face for this doll,
and they agreed that, you know, this is a sex doll,
so she needs to look a little naughty and like
sort of slutty. They wanted a slutty face whatever that means,

(14:21):
and the more of a come hither look let's call it. Yeah,
it was like a you know, not a not a
not ah an innocent looking gal. I guess. But they
actually asked an actress at the time, whose name was
kath von Nag to be the face of this doll,
and obviously she said no, thank too. I was like,

(14:43):
I would hate to be like, yes, put my face
on all these sex dolls to be unbelievable. So they said, okay, well,
we need to create an artificial face of lust that
would be more appealing. Technician Franz Schockert a greed, saying, quote,
the doll has only one purpose, and she should never

(15:04):
become a substitute for the honorable mother at home. When
the soldier makes love to board kills, she has anything
to do with love. Yeah, board killed, I'm sorry, makes
love makes love, sir, Look board kill deserves some respect.
He says, this has nothing to do with love. Therefore,
the face of our anthropomorphic sex machine should be exactly

(15:26):
how Wigner described the common wanton's face. Also starting an
industrial band called Anthropomorphic sex Machine, and you would do well,
I think, and I would like to see the cover
art most as possible, be one of those steam powered dildos.
I think they open right, you can do like a
variety pack of you. It was steam Powered Dildo is one,

(15:50):
and then the shi sex Machine. Maybe that's the name
of the album. The band is steam Power Dildo, the
album sex Machine. I think we can discover some stuff here, right,
I think I'm, you know, obviously astounded by episode one,
and now we're diving right into Nazi real dolls, which
is then they have names. Bordld that's a very sexy

(16:13):
name I might have, but I mean, you know, maybe
he's let me lost. So you don't like Frauleine BORKI
make you think of the borg. I don't know, you know,
like I want to be. I want to be assimilated
when I lay with this, when you make love now
you're speaking my language, assimilate me. One does not make

(16:33):
love to a sex machine. So there, it's weird because
I would imagine that the face, whatever the face ends
up being, it's going to be frozen and whatever static
expression they give it right, so it's like surprised or
it's like whole saucy I'm into this, I guess, abject horror. Yeah,

(16:59):
maybe that's the problem is that some people that's what
the face they would like to see the most, I suppose,
But yeah, they actually Time Magazine said that because they
couldn't decide, you know, they didn't want it to look
like someone's wife or mother. I guess they couldn't really
nail down a slutty face for this doll. So and

(17:19):
they tried, Okay, they took surveys, um so they kind
of left the dolls face pretty blank, and they thought
that the soldiers would more were more likely to use
them if they could sort of impart their own fantasy
onto the doll. And it didn't look like anything too specific.
But of course they're Aryan. They're very much about Aaryan value,

(17:40):
you know, uh, aesthetics or whatever. So of course they
gave the creation still had blue eyes and blonde hair.
So other than that, I guess you could give her
full lips or thin lips, or a big nose or
a small nose. However your imagination runs wild. You can
customize these um just in your head, testing you in

(18:07):
your mind. And so it says after extensive testing, which
I have to ask, I would love to pull into
speculation station and find out what the testing entailed. Sensual
works both in the dark and in the light. Well,
let's let's let's double check that that's science. I mean, like,

(18:30):
you know, there's well, there's obviously to be the boring answers.
They probably have to look at material science and stress
on these so called comfort that checks out his science,
but also also the thing that gets me, and this
is just a hygiene thing. Um, are they one per soldiers?

(18:56):
The distribution a single use thing or is it washable?
If I was, if I was designing it, I would
make an ejectable cartridge. You could take it out and
put a new one in dishwasher safe. Where were you
when the Nazis were trying to put together these threal dolls.
I've been asked that question many times. Yah, think Nolan

(19:19):
and I we're gonna ask that earlier. But yeah, so, yeah,
So they did a bunch of testing on I'm surely
material stresses. And also I guess how effective they were
arousing you maybe that's my guess, my gross guests. And
so they are like, these are ready to go, And

(19:41):
Himmler ordered fifty dolls for his own troops, but by
two they pulled the plug on this project because the
soldiers were way too embarrassed to carry these dolls around
and they were really worried that if they got captured
by the enemy that like American in British and French
soldiers will make fun of them, which is so funny

(20:03):
that you're like, I'm a pow and my number one
concern is they're going to make fun of me. I'm
a proud Nazi soldier. I don't want to be teased. Wow,
I mean I get it though, right, Like also especially
get that given the propaganda war going on at that time,
it would be a real gift to the Allies to

(20:25):
be able to say, these guys are running into battle
on the fighting for the forces of evil with Also,
by the way, they're sex dolls right right by the way,
these depraved tons are fucking these random sex dolls. Yeah,
that's probably true too. They were like, it'll make us
look really weird and weak and bad. Um, we don't

(20:49):
want we don't want to look bad. Letter by furiously,
we'll make it work, I promised soldiers. Way. Yeah, I've
always kind of been a little perplexed that like the
need for us sex doll like kind of to teach
their own But it's just so specific. It's like we've

(21:09):
figured out, you know, analogs without having to you know,
go all out and get this weird, uncanny valley. I
just don't quite understand the appeal, especially nowadays, when they're like,
you know, thousands and thousands of dollars. There's that movie
large in the real Girl. Have you guys seen that with?
But yeah, sex sexy, mean boy. What's his name, Ryan Goslip? Yea, yeah,

(21:34):
he genuinely, you know, forms an attachment like an effect
to this, uh, this thing and that because it's it's
it's a very sweet film actually, but I think it
probably for some people there is a lack of touch,
lack of one on one, you know, skin on skin contact,
and maybe these things fill a role for which I

(21:54):
can totally understand. But in general, you know, for like
the Army, it seems like they're easier, you know, ways
to get this done and having to puzzle over what
the face is going to look like and all that stuff.
For the record, it's all about it if it's preventing
sexual violence. But do you guys, do you guys remember
the awesome show thirty Rock where James Crago appears as

(22:15):
spoiler alert, a guy who is pretending to have as
celebrity relationship because he's secretly in love with a body pillow.
It's like some of the best dialogue they have. But
while it seems like on balance it could be a
it's it's not for me idea, but it could be
a good idea. Um, if it's preventing violence, the thing

(22:39):
that gets me is just a really cheap point. Like
I live in a in a smaller, smaller abode. I
like multifunctional appliances, you know what I mean. I don't
like to get one thing that does one thing. So like, yeah,
sure you could do stuff that do brush not sex it. Yeah,

(23:03):
but I'm thinking like if it made coffee, or if
it had like storage or something, that would be a
different conversation. But I guess they didn't get to that
point in testing, did they. I guess not. I would
like mine to not. You know, I don't want to
sex doll that's also like makes dinner and think you
know all these traditional things. I want a sex doll
that has a six figure income. Um, you know, it

(23:26):
goes off to work every day. I clean up around
the house, good credit, a nice car, a few credit cards.
I'll stay home, I'll clean, I'll cook time stories like
or something randomly. You know, now we're talking NOL. What

(23:50):
did you do with your Teddy ruxpan doll? That's my question. Leave,
that's the imagination listening public. No, I never actually had
a Teddy expenda. It's probably why I am the way
I am. Um, I was deprived. I was I believe
we had a thrift store one that didn't the cassette
didn't work. Oh yeah, I was all imagination. I believe

(24:13):
it was my dad years back, uh, under cover of night,
stuck in like a very very funked up cassette tape
that was like some sort of heavy metal and didn't
tell or my mom until she like set it up
and all of a sudden, you know, it wasn't this song,
but it was like tosome home like it with those

(24:35):
empty eyes and just sort of man, no, I think
it is what I'm saying. Yeah, well, we're in confession corner?
Is that a? Is that a corner you guys have?
Is there? We don't have confession corn yet, but maybe
we should. I didn't lose my virginity for intensive purposes
to one of those plush i Kea snakes, you know,

(24:57):
um back in the in the in the these they
were a lot more rudimentary and they were a little
more like they weren't as quite as fluffy as they
are now. But I had one on my Ikea bunk
bed um and I just sort it was just there's something,
you know, and there's all this what's happened? I'm so
much about my body? Oh wow, I do not remember mine.

(25:20):
M hmm, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, snake. It haunts
my dreams, you know, I do remember those little um,
those creepy little water snakes. You know, they were just
like a rubbery sleeve with inside outside themselves. That would
be a perfect fife. Yes, yeah, that may have been

(25:43):
the original design. And they just thought, we have to
we have to spin our marketing because we're creeping people out,
you know, like the way that people sell massage tools. Uh. Yeah,
they made little water snakes and said, you know what,
sell this to kids. Put in the Discovery Channel store. Yeah,

(26:03):
we need the children, so uh se dolls. Yeah, so
we can thank the Nazis, and I guess you can
also thank you know, let's not thank them, we can
also thank I guess the American and British forces who
destroyed the factories where they made these dolls during their
bomb raids of Dresden. So we don't have any I

(26:25):
guess we don't have an existing like legitt to the
front Line doll, but there was a similar I don't
think it was an actual sex doll, but it was
based on the design uh doll that was sold in
toy stores, and this woman, Ruth Handler, saw one and

(26:46):
thought it was a beautiful, like blonde, lovely woman and
decided to make a doll out of it in America.
And so that is the inspiration for the very first
Barbie doll. So actually Barbie doll. Barbie dolls were inspired
by Nazi sex dolls. Wow at all speaking of things
that were for adults, but then we're then marketed to

(27:08):
oh my gosh, okay, so yeah, that's why Barbie is
blonde with big boobs. She was originally meant to comfort
comfort soldiers fighting for Aryan values. God's sort of a
euphemism or like a kind of polite euphemism for a

(27:29):
a sex worker was a comfort woman? Yeah yeah in
the Pacific theater, Yeah, I guess they were comforted. I
don't know if the women were very kind would think
were comforted by it, But I guess they provided. So
I'm comfort Wow, I can. I'm hung up on Fifi
only because to me, Fifi a just from a childhood

(27:51):
of cartoons. Fifi is like a blue pool poodle. Yeah right, Well,
now you know guys, not anymore. Never got poodles the
same way again, you're in that and that fifi would
be kind of that French spelling the f I f
I would be right, do you know it just spefi
stand like, is it the first part of something that

(28:14):
it is fully immersive flagrant? Fully immersive flagrant? No way,
it's fully improvised. Yeah, somebody helped me out with an eye.
Would I would make that second half a different f
word improvised? You got to text their friend Frank after this. Yes,

(28:43):
I'm so glad we clear that up. Thank you so much. Well,
I'm just glad to know that it's not just a
made up thing. I mean, it is all over the internet.
It clearly as kind of a term. It would be
weird if it would be weird if it was something
or pal frank just made up and tried to like
normalize us and slipped in the conversation. You know that
sometimes he does it with such authority that I believe

(29:08):
I believe Frankie's like this is like a big word
that people say. I'd be like, oh, okay, I guess
I better learn it real quickly to that shock. This
is a great spot for a break, we will be
right back, and we're back. But so, okay, I I

(29:29):
didn't know that, But I also didn't know a really
weird thing that you guys found about ancient Rome, like
the story of love never did run easy or true
for a lot of people. And you know, this is
a situation that happens in ancient relationships as well as

(29:50):
current ones. Sometimes people straight, sometimes they go go off
the rails, and for one, you're another find a different
lover outside of a committed relationship. Tail as old as time,
as old as time, and yeah, apparently in ancient Athens

(30:12):
and ancient Rome, both men and women who cheated on
their spouses could legally be killed if they were caught
like doing it, caught red handed or whatever hand, wherever
your hand is. But there was also another quote non

(30:33):
lethal humiliating punishment reserved for male cheaters, where the husband
who had been cuckolded could legally sodomize the adulterer with
an audience if they want so. Sometimes that meant that
they would be he would himself penetrate the other gentleman um.

(30:55):
But this ancient Rome and ancient Greece, I think that's
what happened. Remember in the last episode, I talked about
the scene in Caligula where he does that to another man.
I believe it's that out of punishment for him having
done something along these lines, because it's very public and
like shaming. Kind of an eye for an eye, blink

(31:18):
for a blink, right. Well, And we did talk a
little bit point for a point. We did talk a
little bit in the first one about how it was
okay to have sex with men in ancient room, but
only if you're the top. So it was very humiliated
have anything put into your butt I guess, although you
could put whatever you wanted into a but no problem um.

(31:38):
And apparently, yeah, sometimes they would do it themselves, I guess,
but more often than not, the punishment took a symbolic
form where they would insert a radish into your butt hole.
Spy and the historian Vicky Leon says, quote, I call
it an ancient sting operation, since Greek radishes grew to

(32:01):
a healthy size and had a good bite to them,
So I guess it really stung in more ways than one. Yeah,
I gotta wonder if someone ever ever knew the risk
and said, like, I'll take the radish for it, you
know what. I mean like, yeah, this is worth it,

(32:24):
quick question. So if it was so, um, I guess
shaming or just like taboo to be on the receiving
end of this thing, does that mean that there were
like special boys that were designed for this purpose or
bread for this purpose. Essentially, you're gonna be my new
Radish boy. Get over here. Um. But Vicky Leon also

(32:48):
said that they, I guess probably to avoid this punishment.
There were some men who, you know, they were like,
I'm so randy, I just always ready to go. I
need some anti afro das acts to sort of help me.
I don't know herb my appetite, yeah, my enthusiasm. And
so men would eat lettuce, which was a salad leaf

(33:10):
thought to be a powerful antipotency drug at the time.
Oh yeah, let us always turns me off. Do you
eat it and you're just like well, like in our
our very first episode of this show, we talked about
Celery and how sexy Celery was supposed to be as
an aphrodisiac. Yeah. Back with them in France, Um, what's

(33:30):
her name, Madame de pompadour, uh, and all them they
thought Celary was was quite the aphrodisiac. Again, I don't
know why, but whatever works for you. Let us as
the inverse. I guess, yeah, when leafy one watery leafy
green to another, I guess, doesn't celery Like doesn't it

(33:51):
calorically expand more energety to eat than it provides? Anyway?
You know, I have a theory about aphrodisiacs based on
a asked conversation. I think it's all like independent marketing
from people who are dealing with their own situations, you know,
like it was was me, baby, it was the oysters,
you know how I get, or or maybe someone's like,

(34:17):
you know, I do think you're very attractive, very much
in love with you, but I just had a salad.
Maybe maybe it's not you, it's not you. Is this
where tossing the salad comes from? Do you think I
always wondered about that? Yeah? I don't know what another day.

(34:38):
Perhaps me and my silly etymology questions always thet They're
always filthy, They're always filthy. Those are the fun etymologies
to track down. To be fair, Speaking of filthy, another
anti potency drug was cream made of mouse droppings. They
would spread I guess onto their anatoles, which I'm like,

(35:01):
just that never put ship on your dick. No, I
just feel like that's always a bad idea. And also, honestly,
all you have to say is cream made from mouse droppings,
and I'm good. You don't need to rub it anywhere.
You've said it. The images in my head, I'm not
gonna have sex for a month, Well that's that's also
like I think that's a hard anti aphrodisiac or that's

(35:23):
a very um that's like a self fulfilling prophecy, right,
because then it doesn't matter what kind of activity you
want to get up to. Anybody who is like, what's
a little mouse mouse poop between you know, between friends, Uh,
they're not going to be the kind of person you
want to sleep with. I'm just I hope that's not
a blanket statement. I hope nobody feels judged. But if

(35:45):
you're trying, if you're trying to like have a romantic
partner and you keep striking out, it might be the
mouse droppings. I'm just saying. Just yeah, Ben is trying
to say, try something new and just it's the scientific method.
See if you get the same results. Okay, so much

(36:05):
like the bread sticks in the episode one, I'm wondering
about the radishes. Speaking of salads, is you know, oh
this salad is delicious. It's really turning me off. What's
in there? Well, fresh radishes right from the garden, rushed
out of some gardens, straight from the so not toss

(36:31):
the salad radishes as a form of punishment, slash abuse
anti afro das acts. I think that brings brings us
to one of the one of the things that I
was wondering about as well, which is chastity belts. Right.
That's that's an anti afrods act for sure. Right, even
if you want to, you can't do. Everybody loves chastity belts, right,

(36:54):
I mean I always think of Robin hood men in
tights of course any aspect and the ever last is hilarious. Um,
big iron underwear with a padlock on it. Right, we
all remember these, this impenetrable guard against scoundrels and ne'er
do wells, uh, stopping sex in its tracks. The first
evidence of chastity belts goes all the way back to

(37:15):
the eleven hundreds. Um, now, Ben and all, we we
do a segment on this show sometimes when we we
have our main subject that we're talking about, but maybe
we're gonna sneak off with something else for just a
quick second. Uh, we're gonna take a little quick fling
with history. Lock him up and throw away the key.
So the Crusades, Uh, we've all heard of the Crusades, right,

(37:38):
That's where we're going to with this one, about a
three century period in Europe where Christians went out marching
across the lands to bring the good word of peace
and love about Christ. By um checking my notes here, Uh,
lots of stabbing. Basically stars and spears. Crusades, very Jesus like, Yeah,
obviously more complicated than that. We're not going to get
the whole history the Crusades here. But the thing that

(37:59):
step rid of the Crusades from other Christian religious wars
was that the prize for participating in one was free absolution.
Like you were absolved of your sins if you went
and fought in the Crusades. So there's all these dudes like,
what this is my chance I've been waiting around for
to someone absolve me of all my sins. Some some guy,

(38:24):
probably like Gregor the Smith, is like, I've got believe
I have sinned these rules for getting into heaven, But
dema broke every single one of them. And uh so
somebody says to him, Hey, you know what, come on down, Gregor,
sign up for the Crusades. You'll be free to go
get into heaven. All you gotta do is kill a

(38:45):
bunch of people for us. And everything's all set. But
but this guy, Gregor the Smith, he's worried while my
wife is back home. And of course, as we've all learned,
wandering uterus women can't go but a few months without sex.
So if he's off for years in the Crusades, how's
he going to stop this from happening. So he goes
off to the blacksmith and or maybe he's the blacksmith.

(39:08):
I think we called him Gregor the Smith, all right,
And he starts forging and he makes this metal underwear
and he puts a big old padlock on it, straps
it around his wife and says, good luck getting railed now.
And he made a bunch of them passed him out
to all the other villagers the key, and uh it

(39:29):
was like the hottest item of the day. Everyone had one, right, Wow,
So ladies walking around with iron underwear just all through
all the Crusades, so that they wouldn't be cheating on
their husbands. The thing is, none of that happened. This
was all a story that was made up in the Renaissance.
So there was a Rancor article by Genevieve Carlton where

(39:50):
I got some info on this. She said quote one
of the favorite pastimes of folks in the Renaissance was
laughing about the ignorance of the medieval period, right. They
wanted to feel superior. They're like, we're so educated, we
have a art, but our ancestors, well, they were so
dumb and mindless, and they came up with dumb stuff
like this chastity belt, and they invented these stories to

(40:12):
make their predecessors sound stupid basically, So it's just like
this dick ish, belittling move through time because they wanted
to say that these barbaric medieval people were, uh, you know,
just insecure and incapable of pleasing their wives, and that
their wives just constantly cheat on them. So they came

(40:32):
up with this idea for the chastity belt. That's so funny.
You think they'd be like, let's dunk on him by
being like, hey, you killed a lot of people. I'll
say the idea goes back earlier than that because in
the Roman times, uh there's Roman women would wear a
knotted belt that they would wear right up into their

(40:52):
wedding day and then the husband would ceremoniously un not
the belt. And so later on that belt kind of
endured and they even started sort of gilding it in metal.
So they think maybe they found these metal knotted belts
that survived history and said that's sort of where they
developed the concept for the chat that he built and
the Renaissance. So that that checks out. That sounds like

(41:15):
the historic game of telephone, you know, cover right with
prejudice against the past and what have you. But also
didn't this ultimately, I don't know how far ahead this is,
but didn't this ultimately like become a thing that people
wanted to do or some version of it, Like it's
isn't it like a fetish? At some point? To some

(41:38):
degree in the modern era, we've gotten more into that
where this sort of like forced chastity, uh, you know,
keeping someone under lock and key. From from my research,
it's seemed that that's more skewed towards penis having individuals
that there's a cage lock and for your lock up

(41:58):
your dick. So I guess so that you can't get
an erection or be stimulated at all, and your partner
walks away with the key and says not until I
say so. Um, well, kind of a power dynamic. Yeah, absolutely,
when you like hurt yourself with natural uh cycles of
two messence, you can break a dick. Absolutely. It has

(42:22):
been one of my biggest questions about these, and I've
certainly never tried one. I don't know if anybody in
the list un of our listeners can right in and
let us know what that's like. If we get an
answering machine on that, I will be thrilled. Yes, what happens?
Can you bust out of these cages? Can you hulk out?
If they're not strong enough? It does look like they
have a hole to piece for for function, And I'll

(42:45):
say some of the old designs of chastis belts from
the Renaissance. There's this guy, Conrad Kaiser who wrote a
book in fourteen o five called The Bellafortis, which is
this military technology illustrated classic. He just drew all these
crazy industrial military machines and he said, any other country
that sees this book is going to get scared and
run away. But he also included the first known drawing

(43:08):
of a chastity belt, and it's got some gaps in
the front and back so that you know, I guess
you can do your business still, um, but not enough
to actually get penetrated. So the thing is his book
was also full of jokes. They're pretty sure that he
was making this as yet another joke in the Renaissance

(43:29):
about what medieval people were doing. He's got fart jokes
in there, like the Onion of its time. Yeah magazine
or something, okay, magazine, Yeah, that's funny, Okay. And there's
there's Renaissance artwork again, all featuring chastity belts. It's always
the same thing. It's some man locking up his wife.
She's always topless, she's always tits out, you know, because

(43:51):
she's insatiable, Like, yeah, we lock up your vagina, but
your tits are free to row. These paintings always have
like a guy sneaking around in the background, because they're
trying to show the futility of them. Usually the guy
in the background has is sneakily holding a key up
in the shadows like I've already get made a copy

(44:12):
foolish husband he never knew and made just the key
of So it's just, you know, just again, this is
perpetual joke out of the Renaissance, and it it just
endured through the years to the point where we believed
it to be history for a long time. In fact,
the British Museum in the in the nineteen nineties was

(44:33):
taking down exhibits of chastity belt that they had just
assumed to be historically accurate, and when they dated the metal,
they discovered that these things were from like the late
eighteen hundreds, but then they said had belonged to Catherine
de Medici, the Queen of France of you know, back
in the sixteenth century. They thought this was her chastity belt,

(44:54):
and then they dated it. Oh, never mind, this is
from the nineteenth century. It was probably just a joke.
So it's like it's like the Iron Maiden, which the
torture device that turns out to have been mostly fictitious
or doesn't make exactly. There was tons of like uh,
torture museums and exotic you know, uh oddities being sold

(45:16):
back then, and people literally just bought up some metal
built chastity belts and said come see this barbaric invention
that our medieval people came up with, ye totally false.
In fact, I will say that in the eighteenth century Mr.
Voltaire wrote a poem kind of mocking the whole idea

(45:37):
of chastity belts. We got another poem very excited. His
whole point in this poem was that it was foolish
to force fidelity by locking a woman up, and that
the whole poem is pretty long. But what pulled out
a couple of selections here and I say we go
on down the poetry corner, and here a selection from
Voltaire's poem The Padlock. Each cuckled soul who during life

(46:03):
did all he could to plague his wife. Then thus
declared a Florentine, most mighty monarch idopine for death. For
once a wife is dead, she can't defile the marriage bed.
But ast an immortal wife can never be deprived of
life a padlock. Therefore, I'd invent which should such accidents prevent?

(46:26):
She must be virtuous, of course, when under the restraint
of force, not to be come at by her elf.
You're sure to have her to yourself, which I had
thought before I died. Such a convenience to provide this
sage advice allowed applause from all the damned assembly draws

(46:48):
I'm gonna do in my bain voice, and even Pluto's
self some pity felt when spouses for you, he made
fast and said you will now perforce to chaste this lock,
which hell caught frame alone soon to The human race

(47:11):
was known in Venice, Rome and all about it. No
gentleman or sits without it. Tis always though a method.
Sure all female honor too secure their husbands. Though some
sneerers mack keep virtue safe and underlock, but all his

(47:35):
jealous care is in vain. Love always knows his ends
to gain that God will share a spouse or cause
he still protects who keeps his laws. For you have
given me your hearts and can't refuse me any parts.
Soccer vibes, get out, get creepy inside the house bad

(47:58):
times that He's like, it's clearly an accident. We want
to prevent these accidents where you trip and your dick
falls into my wife who left, who's cleaning around? But
against satire, Yes, exactly, yes, Voltaire totally mocking the whole

(48:19):
notion um has seemed to be all anyone was ever
really doing was kind of teasing about it. I'm imagining
like a thousand years from now, someone unearthing something from
Spencer's gifts. I guess they really used this. So like,
do you guys remember the pin thing? There was a

(48:39):
big on your face, in your hands and a shape.
Someone's going to find that and be like, you know
what I think people were doing. I think they were
banging this thing, just like, let's write a poem about it.
I need to sell some books. Let's write a poem
about it. Man in the first century loved to take

(49:01):
a box of three thousand nails. Let his dick in.
Just go to Jim Rose circus side show kind of ship.
This is a great spot for a break. We'll be
right back, all right, welcome back to the show. But okay,

(49:22):
but Eli, we know that there are physical like artifacts
like somewhere along the line. Despite the story being untrue,
several people thought satire. No, they were like, I'm going
to make one though, right yeah, And typically again these
were made mostly four show um, whether it being sold

(49:44):
off in a museum or send out one of these
oddity tours. The idea was that they were always made
as fakes from history. In fact, historian curator Leslie Smith
said quote, I have traveled abroad and looked at art
collect and as yet haven't seen a chastity belt that
can be proved to be in medieval origin. So, as

(50:06):
far as anyone can tell, all these manufactured chastity belts
were made as basically a historical prank. Don't buy those
vintage chastis belts on Amazon. They're not worth it. Uh Yeah.
British Museum the Cleaning Museum in France both have had

(50:28):
to take down exhibits of chastity belts that they had
previously said were historical objects and then found out Nope,
these were totally bogus. That's embarrassing and I love that that,
Like you mentioned Ben that that that today we've turned
it all around and we've made them for for pleasure devices,
almost the opposite of their original supposed intention. That's true.

(50:50):
That is funny. It was originally meant to keep you
from having sex, and now it's like this is part
of the sex and it's super hot, Tan trick. Now
your sex is ten hours long. So I do wanna,
I do want to give some shout outs to our
our off fair friends who reacted a bit strangely when

(51:11):
they heard and no, I don't know if you had
this conversation too, but fact a bit strangely when uh,
we were going to hang out and I said, oh, yeah, no,
I gotta we're doing a two part thing on sex toys,
and and they this is multiple people. They were like,

(51:32):
you mean like you and ol or getting together to
talk about sex toys or it was like no, we're
we're we're hanging out with some other people too. I
just made it worse. But are married friends, are married
friends were all going to do sex toys together us
into their relationships. Very progressive. I love it. I did

(51:54):
see someone on Twitter be like, I we said it
some about a two parter, and they were like, isn't
that called a double? A double? Fister? Shout out to fister.
That's the thing. Um unrelated, totally related. I went in
researching some of the stuff. I found a place that
I think we should all figure out a way to

(52:15):
take a field trip to. In San Francisco there is
a museum, uh for sex toys, and it's called Good
Vibrations Antique Vibrator Museum specifically. And then of course in
in New York. The Museum of Sex is really cool.
I've actually been there. Uh. And they have like all
kinds of vintage porn and and sex toys and all

(52:37):
these guys. I mean, it's really just fascinating and it's
a very very naughty and body Uh. And they have
a gift shop at the end where you know, if
you can imagine what they say there. But yeah, I
don't know if it was a permanent name, but it was.
It was there when I was there. It was a
bouncy house made of everybody said. There's also I think

(53:00):
there's the Vagina Museum I believe is in England, probably
in London, but I follow their Twitter account and it's
really awesome, isn't it the Fannie Museum in London? There
it is Fanny I thought was a but no, no,
I didn't know that. That's why Fannie Pack is hilarious

(53:22):
to all our British friends. Okay, that would be that
the vagina is already its own fanny pack. Another like
kind of naughty er. I think that fantasy This is
this sort of slangy but the word minge oh yeah, yeah,
it's just so visceral sounding. Yeah. While we're on tour.
While you take the Ridiculous Universe on a museum tour,

(53:45):
we should also stop by Iceland. Do you see the
Penis Museum. Oh sure, yeah. I love how open we
all are. Everybody's like, oh yeah, yeah, I don't listen down.
I'm down for that. Hey, I'll see a museum of anything. Yea. Honestly,
the weirder museums are really more fun. The more niche

(54:05):
the better because it's took some real weirdos to curate
that stuff. You know, like the Museum of Death. I
think it's one of my favorites of all. There's one
in Hollywood, and there's one in New Orleans, and there's
the Museum. There's like the Museum of Murder. There's the
Museum of Jurassic Technology, which is uh super cool. I
think we can. I'll check out one in the world.

(54:26):
We're on the West coast, but I feel you guys.
I love like you were saying incredibly specific museums. It's
why I'm slow on road trips because if I if
I'm like passing, we did a show on this for
stuff they want you to know. But if I'm like passing,
just some beat up sign that is like the official
uh the I'm thinking the most ridiculous thing, like the

(54:49):
official Museum of left Shoes throughout history, guaranteed no writings.
Then I'm like, there goes the afternoon. You know, I
gotta go see. I love it. Have you seen the
Bigfoot Museum in the Curious It's real cool. Niche The

(55:11):
guy that runs it, David. What's the guy's name that
runs up him? David? He is the quintessential niche interest focused,
you know, museum curator. He does such a good job.
Like the exhibits there are very much just inspired by
I think, like you know, vintage Disney kind of Epcot

(55:31):
type vibes, you know, like Hall of President type. I
mean it's really really well done and uh, I highly
recommend anybody passing through check out. I guess the museum.
I guess. My question is where's the Bigfoot sex toy museum?
That's that's the natural progression. This this could be our
contribution to museum sciences. We could make the Bigfoot. Is

(55:52):
there is there a Bigfoot chat that he built? We
can make one can apparently just make him up, So
just make one. Have anyone was gonna hulk their way
out of with chastity about though it's gonna be a
big foot, you can contain those fellas they are. It's
not just you know, big big shoes. This has definitely

(56:18):
altered I don't know about you know, but this is
altered a lot of the conversations that I'm having in
the future. I am. I've learned a lot. I don't
know if I wanted to learn all of it, uh,
but now I can't. It's our shows, sweet spots, stuff

(56:39):
you made thought of, you wanted to know about, you didn't. Really,
I'm starting a nonprofit for goats. This is not it's
really the things that the stuff we've learned about goats
on this show, it's unreasonable. Yeah, I think we did it.
We've talked about every sex toy in history. No, that's
not true. Now there's a whole other episode getting dedicated

(57:00):
to vibrators. Yes, in pornography. Also, I liked all the
porn and brothel stuff out. But it's also very fascinating.
H Well, what a ride. I learned a lot about
the mind, the body, society, and goats. Man. I'm still
I'm still hung up on it. I'm I'm worried about him. Yeah,

(57:22):
the goats definitely. You know, when elephants fight, the goats
are the ones who suffer. Isn't that how the expression goes?
You get there? Yeah? Plus yeah, yeah, it's weird like
for some reason, I just can't sit straight either. I
don't know what's going on. Oh buddy, oh man, I

(57:43):
might have taken let's let's move along. Seriously. He was
thanks to Diana and Eli for bringing us along on
that raunchy and educational ride. Rawn vacational. It was a
lot of fun. Yeah, Rawn vacational. But I mean that's
the thing though, you know, history is is is it
is just talk full of this stuff. I mean, ever
since people have, you know, figured out that they had parts,

(58:04):
they've been figuring out how to put stuff in them. Yes, yes,
well said. And also we wanna we wanted to say
that Eli and Diana were so kind to have us on.
We had such a fun time that we're gonna have
them on in the future. Love their energy, love their chemistry,
and actually also I gotta say I love the research

(58:24):
they conduct. These are smart, witty people, and I feel
like they would want they I feel like they want
both of us to note that it's it's not always sex.
There's more to romance than sex, so you are gonna
find it's just a fascinating way to explore history. I
think ridiculous Romance. So thanks to them. Do check it out.

(58:46):
When do us a favorite, go subscribe to their show.
Let us know what your favorite episodes of Ridiculous Romance are.
You can let us know on our Facebook page Ridiculous Historians.
One of the best places is on the internet. Uh,
that's official as of two. We got the award in January.

(59:06):
We also made the award uh and gave it to ourselves.
Just to be clear, but we're also all over the
internet if you want to find us, not just as
a show, but as individuals. The rumors are true, Mr
Noel Brown, I hear you're on Instagram. Who's spread and rumors?
Who's saying all this stuff? It was track them down.

(59:27):
It was a grackle in Austin. Oh my god, have
you guys heard of? The grackle are everywhere. They're like,
you know how I feel about birds. I mean, we
were in tacos at torches tacos shout out really great tacos.
But um, these guys they're beautiful. They have these iridescent
feathers to the point where they like they turn a
certain direction in the light. They almost change colors entirely.
But they're really bold, much bolder than your average pigeon.

(59:51):
And Um, this guy was just I and me amazing,
literally like direct contact with UM for a taco at
the Grackle. You're not gonna find any bird content on
my page, but if you want to find some, you know, uh,
thirteen year old goth kid content. I say this because
I am the proud father of a thirteen year old.

(01:00:11):
She said she would, she would, she would take issue
with that. I don't know what she is. She doesn't
listen to she doesn't actually to podcast. You can find
me on Instagram exclusively where I am at. How now,
Noel Brown, Ben Boland, Where can people find you? Well,
if you want, this will be funny. I don't know

(01:00:32):
if you guys saw this, but late last night I
happened to cross a seller with the padlock undone. I'm
not going to reveal the location in this place, but
I went down into the depths and the seller was
much larger than it appeared. I believe it actually goes
under the street. I got to the point where I

(01:00:52):
might actually need some rope to continue, like we might
be in a splunking situation. You can check that out
on just an HP Lovecraft story. You're describing that. No,
this is like if you go to my story right now,
you can see it. Uh, it's weird. You can see
this in my more of my behind the scenes adventures

(01:01:14):
and misadventures and occasionally brushes with authorities, as well as
research I'm doing for upcoming episodes and secret projects. APT
been bowling bow l I and on Instagram. You can
also talk with me directly there, or you can find
me on Twitter where I'm at ben Bowling h s W.
And while you're on Twitter, why not check out that

(01:01:35):
Mr Max Williams. Yes, I am on Twitter. I am
at a t L underscore Max Williams. You can you
know Seev trolling Bend or you know, retweeting and commenting
on Eli and Diana, who are amazing and are both
on Twitter as well. You can also see the formation
of our um are burgeoning nemesis kind of relationship that
we're both really trying to cultivate and tend to with care.

(01:01:59):
Um I'm getting I'm out on Twitter. You won't find
anything about that. You just maybe find Max tweeting into
the void at me, but probably not. I couldn't say
you can. You can also, of course, find our pals
Ridiculous Crime, Zarin and Elizabeth on Twitter, so say hi
to them. I feel like we're listening off a lot
of Twitter people, uh, a lot of twitteration. But the

(01:02:21):
point is you can find us. Love to talk to you,
Ridiculous Universe, Ridiculous News, Ridiculous Crime, and of course, of
course the lovely folks you just heard at Ridiculous Romance.
We have come a long way, no, both as a
show and as and in terms of our well, our knowledge,
of our knowledge of sex toys, and we hope you

(01:02:44):
have to We'll see you next time, folks. For more
podcasts from my Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.