April 2, 2024 • 34 mins
Have you ever shown off your favorite cannon, or deparately rode a horse through the night for a little birthday romance? If so, thank your lucky stars you didn't go out like two particularly unlucky Scottish kings. Join Ben, Noel and Max as they continue to explore the ridiculous deaths of royals in today's "Whoops, All Scotland" episode.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ridiculous History is a production of iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
(00:27):
the show Ridiculous Historians. We were coming to you on
the road and at least by a case incredibly cartoonishly
sleep deprived. Shout out to super producer mister Max Williams.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
All Right, okay, well, liessn't trying out a new little
funny buzzy word at the beginning of that. I'm going
with who do you Who today just to represents Atlanta.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
But I don't know. It might change, it might be
the same. I gave up. Hoorah rah damn.
Speaker 4 (00:53):
Carry on, remember ooh baby baby, it's the wow.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Getting riled up. I'm getting ribbed up. At the top
of the show today.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
They call me Ben with me as always as mister
Noel Brown. This is Ridiculous Royal Deaths Round four And
just for full disclosure, folks, we know there's been a
lot of unfortunate news about the royal family of the
United Kingdom. We're not making light of that in any way.
(01:23):
You can get some updates on that with various other
shows we have done, such as Stuff They Don't Want
You to Know and hanging out with our pal Gandhi
on sauce on the side.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
And speaking of stuff that, I want you to know
this isn't anything to do with today's episode, but there
is going to be a fun update to a classic
Ridiculous History episode about the curse of Colonel Sanders that
has loomed over the Japanese baseball team. I believe it's
the hans Shun Tigers for many, many years because somebody
took a Colonel Sanders statue outside of a KFC in
(01:55):
Japan and threw it in a very dirty, nasty river.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
And as we know, baseball is probably one of.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
The most superstitious of sports. Anyway, superstitious hilarity ensued, and
now apparently there's been a bit of a.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Break and people really do believe that.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
You guys know, I spend spent a regular amount of
time over in Japan, and I was startled to run
into baseball fans who absolutely believe this. I don't know
if I told you about when I ran into some
baseball fans. I had a Braves hat on and I
was just, you know, like a nice little romin spot
and these sure, these kids who were a little younger
(02:30):
than me, were huge, huge, hugely into baseball and I
was able to hold the conversation.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Max, you would have been proud of me.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I was able to hold the conversation for about fifteen
to sixteen minutes.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
But they knew all.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
The stats, they missed everything, and eventually I was like, guys,
I'm sorry, this is the extent of my knowledge of
the Atlanta Braves.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Well, I mean, well, you know exports, two of which
are Kentucky fried chicken and the sport of baseball. It
does seem that Japan when they kind of you know,
take those kinds of things on, a lot of the
American words sort of become like locked in tied to it.
So you can probably with your basic knowledge of Japanese
and then you know, throwing around some baseball buzzwords, you
(03:12):
could probably get by for a while as you well did.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
That's amazing. I want to give a Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
So I want to give a long overdue shout out
to our pals across the Pound Pond, Toshi Yoshi and
two guys named Ken.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Amazing. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
Also, I just want to point out that right now,
in the background, I'm sending up my probable starters for
this weekend my fantasy baseball league.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Well, one of my six Fantasy Baseball.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
League, Dare to Dream? Bro Uh so is it me?
It's fantasy baseball. It's always sounded a little erotic. I
don't know why, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I'm just picturing noddy stuff going.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
It's like the it's like the gravity uh pleasure, the
pleasures of gravity, right.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
As as it almost be me spit. As a writer
in a comic, I tend to think everything's dirty. But well,
we'll get.
Speaker 4 (03:55):
To the gravity pleasure ride.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
We'll get to that litter, will we ever? Something in
the of nothing.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Today's episode isn't about any of these things, but it
is another of our famous royal death listical episode, right,
and you did tease that with the disclaimer, which I
think was absolutely fair.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Yes, yeah, and we have to admit, you know, existence
is tough. Even if you are a prince or a
duke or an aristocrat, you too will be more lis king. Right,
perhaps everybody from pauper to prince, from a peasants to monarch,
everybody is human. So look, a lot of time has passed.
(04:37):
When we talk about royal deaths, strange ridiculous royal deaths,
we do try to focus on people who have passed
away a long long time ago. And as we said
in our very first installment of this, it's going to
be a continuing series. I don't know what are you saying?
All you want to just dive in. Since we mentioned Scotland.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
We must well, yeah, Scottish king, yeah, pretty and a
duke of pope. We are in fact all human. King
Alexander the Third of Scotland was what were we talking
a little bit about horniness slightly? We were with the
fantasy as well. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's okay. He
was Yeah, he was ready. He was single and ready
to mingle. Well not necessarily single, but he was definitely
(05:19):
ready to mingle.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
He was in.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Quite a rush to get to the deed. Let's just say.
But let's just start from when he was born. Alexander
the Third born September fourth, twelve forty one died March
eighteenth or nineteen somewhere there in twelve eighty.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Six, near king Horn, fifth Scotland.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
He was the King of Scotland from twelve forty nine
to twelve eighty six, and the last major ruler of
a dynasty of kings descending from Malcolm the third of Canmore,
who actually consolidated a lot of the royal powers in Scotland.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
And Alexander did the right thing as a monarch. He
left his kingdom with its own autonomy. It was independent,
it was prosperous, it was united, and Scott's looking back
would think, man Alexander ruled over a golden age. And
it's just the shame that after he died we got
in this long, protracted, bloody conflict with England. King Alexander
(06:21):
the second had one son, and this kid was named,
in a burst of creativity, Alexander the Third. And yeah,
we know monarchies and meritocracies may have a bit of
a Venn diagram, but merit is not the way you
become monarch. The way you become monarch is based entirely
on your familial relation to the previous monarch or a
(06:44):
bloody battle.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
So weird thing.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
About that blood or you know, the bloody the inside
blood or the outside bloody. Yes, So Alexander the Third,
it turns out he is only seven years old, which
he becomes the king. I'm just going to go out
on a limb and say, maybe he wasn't the most
qualified for the job. And we see it, of course
depicted in shows like Game of Thrones and such, where
(07:07):
these you know, small children that are presiding or reigning
over these massive empires. And often what you end up
seeing the situations of the real power is the power
behind the throne and the advisors and perhaps a mother,
you know, or a close relationship that's kind of whispering
in the young king's ear and getting them to kind
of do their bidding and sort of steering things from
(07:27):
the shadows.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Right right exactly.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
And this is where we get to one of my
one of my favorite words I learned from Blood Meridian
by Cormack McCarthy, which when that film finally comes out,
it's going to be amazing.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
It is going to be Gnarlis.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
So it's got one of the best villains in all
of English literature, all of sorry, the English language.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
So it is good.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Judge Holden, Yes, oh god, absolute monster. Actually gave me
nightmares reading that, but so okay. So this word is souzerainty.
To be a suzerain means to have dominion over something
in practice, if not in name. So you might not
have your stamp on the maps or the money or
(08:10):
the paper, but you control an area. So Henry the
Third he recognizes an opportunity, you know, and he says, look,
I'm gonna engineer a political marriage. We're going to do
an arranged marriage of children, and this will be my
way to gain control over Scotland. And so in twelve
(08:34):
fifty five, a pro English faction in Scotland grabs Little
Alli three Alexander the Third, and then two years later
an anti English faction gets the upper hand and they
control the government. So Alexander is safe. They safeguard him
until he comes of age in twelve sixty two. The
(08:55):
year after that, he fights off an invasion by a
Norwegian king who's got a really cool, like Dune esque name,
hock On four four.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Yeah, sorry, excuse me, I had something in my throat
right on.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
And this guy Hockon has a son named King Magnus
five And in twelve six Magnus.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
What a strong name. Magnus is.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Yeah, And for a while these guys uh the Norwegian line.
They were controlling some islands along the west coast of Scotland,
really beautiful places, the Isle of Man, a couple other ones.
So eventually Magnus seeds control of those islands to Scotland,
which is why they're part of Scotland today.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Side note, do you guys know who Magnus is in
Skyrim or are the older scrolls?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (09:40):
Hold on, yeah, hold on, well he he's he's uh
miss Honey's father in Matilda and and and they and
they make him speak from beyond the grave to freak
out the trench bowl.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Sorry if that was any minor spoilers for Matilda.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
You're talking about the staff of Magnus Magnet. I have
the staff of Magnet, that's what there's the eye of
and there's Magnus Septum.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
So Magnus was the architect of lor CON's uh world scheme,
which was you know, which is Munda's, which is the universe?
Speaker 3 (10:12):
But then god of magic.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
I think he's got a magic But so like all
the Adra had put.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
A lot of literally everybody right now, yeah, no, three
people are very happy about this.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
There's just all on air right now.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Magnus is uh was just so strong that he was
the only one of the Adria to say now I'm out.
So he backed out, and by doing that, he ripped
a whole through the Munda's so that magic could leak
into Munda's from etheriusts and that is the sun.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
Did you say this is important? I want this to
get lost.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
I met a guy who worked at Bethesda and helped
build Skyrim last night. Noel, you met him too, our
buddy John.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Uh yeah, that job. Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Okay, So now uh now back to the show we
were doing. So if you get talked about in one
of these episodes, you know, we spend a lot of
time talking about the back and forth of a lot
of Western European conflicts. Here's the deal. This is Royal
Death's fellow ridiculous historians. So if you get mentioned in
one of these episodes, that means you did not die
(11:24):
in a fun or clean way.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
No, he is of age now, right, Like I mean,
at least Fellas, Yeah, he's all grown up. So at
least we're not talking about like killing kids or anything,
which I'm not saying that's off the table entirely. If
it happens, it happens.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
As soon as you come of age as a monarch,
then your next job is to make more kids, right,
You got to ensure the bloodline continues. Alexander did have
did have three kids with his first wife, who unfortunately
she passed away in twelve seventy five, and then all
of his all of his children from that marriage had
(11:59):
also passed away by twelve eighty four. Get yeah, getting
that from Samantha Aerosmith for mental.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Flaws, remember that part, and also love Samantha for her
writing and her incredible last name which is spelled not
like the band, because they're they're the Smiths of like aerospace.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
This is like an actual aerospace at w.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
But I didn't remember the part about all of his
kids dying Jesus man, Yeah, what a bummer. So now
he's really in desperate need to produce that air, and
a situation arises where he might just.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Have that opportunity.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Yes, he marries Jolande through in twelve eighty five, and
he is feeling you know, I hate to make it
sound like a Lifetime movie. You know in Lifetime there's
always like the hard nosed businesswoman. Main character travels back
to her small town and she feels her biological clock
(13:03):
is ticking. That's what's happened in Alexander three. He's like,
I need to make babies strong preference for a dude,
and so he starts to He is trying to travel
to Yolanda and make children as quickly as possible, and
he's a little interesting, he's not cautious about it.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
It's interesting.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
It's for her birthday, so presumably he's trying to get
to her a surprise her with birthday sex. Like, is
this like gonna be a special date night situation?
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Like, I don't.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I guess I don't fully understand the significance of it
begetting to her for her birthday.
Speaker 4 (13:40):
But it also feels like he forgot her birthday and
that's why he'll.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
Dress himself up as a present, as a sexy present.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Yeah, sounds very happen exactly.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So, so here's what he does. He does something that's
not super smart. At the time, the Queen is at
king Horn Castle in Fife, and he is rushing from
Edinburgh post taste and to make good time to get
there punctually. He travels through the night, and traveling at night,
even if you're king, one could argue, especially if you're king,
(14:14):
is pretty dangerous.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
At this point, we take that for granted, dolt, he
have like headlights and such, you know, in street lights,
you're traveling through some rough terrain, you know, I mean
a horse could twist its ankle and send you, you know,
tumbling down a hillside or whatever.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
At first, when I was hearing this.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
I'm like, oh, no, he didn't get wet and die
of a common coal diddy like that one president taking
his night walks. No, but still not too too far
off in terms of very preventable things.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Yeah, here's what happened. All of his guides attire entourage
is going, buddy, we get it. You know, we felt
the force of the horn ourselves.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Right, and the horn.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Yeah, it's all but reason must prevail, you know, think
with your other head. He doesn't listen, so he travels,
He activigates, He travels by night, He is separated from
his guides, and he disappears. They don't find him until
dawn the next day. He has indeed fallen off a cliff.
His horse stumbled in the dark through all over the edge.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
See I was just guessing that impossible SCENARTI broke his neck,
and it's probably because it's probably because he was making
the horse go faster than the horse needed to go.
You know, it's kind of embarrassing. Really, I'm sure when
you get found like that, you're not looking very kingly.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
It's a little better than dying on the commode. But
it's pretty unbecoming, you know.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
You know, if he had died on a commode at
that time, they would have been fascinated because it would
have been a future device. It would be the first
time they had seen a commode too.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Oh that's fine.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Sorry, yeah, a cute George Washington themul Sorry, we haven't
said it on this show.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Stuff that I want you to know.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
We have a very ridiculous history ongoing sketch series featuring
Ben as George Washington traveling through time.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Maybe we'll have to feature a commode one of these Yeah,
that would be mind bloy.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
I'm also excited for you to teach him the latest
con virtual reality.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
We can't that's a new one coming out. It might
be out already by the time this episode hits.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
And you could check that out on our on our
Instagram for stuff they don't want you to know, so
let us know. Yeah, I can't believe I mentioned before. Yeah,
with great music by mister Matt Fredericks.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
Oh God, what an earworm and a banger it is.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
But Ben, as we know, when it comes to royal deaths,
whether you know, dignified or otherwise, it tends to leave
a vacuum that is usually filled with a lot of
creative and intense political jockeying, right.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yes, sir, Yeah, so the king, the king expires unexpectedly,
he leaves no heirs, no direct adult airs.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Yeah, so he was going there to shoot for right
on what you wish?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Yeah, yeah, and so and so all of a sudden
there is a spurt of chaos.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Stop it now, we're keeping it as is.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
So this next direct air and the chain of command
and inheritance here would be his granddaughter Margaret, who is
one year old when she gets to the throne.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
Again.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Again, not to be a jerk about it, but maybe
not the best person for the job at this point.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Well yeah, and again it just it just leaves it
open for whomever the hand the baby handler is to
take the reins.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
We don't really it's.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
A million percent, but a lot of times it's not
even clear who exactly that person is all the time, right,
because it's all happening like, you know, kind of beneath board.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Oh my gosh, guys, I would love to do an
episode about the inner life of harems in the Ottoman Empire.
It is so fascinating that's I think that's our next
step of royal deaths, because what you just said reminded
me like the power plays and the you know, the
king in name or the queen in name.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
Sure word again actually Susanphone.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Susara, and then you know things like in the Ottoman
Empire they had two different two different controlling forces. In
the Harem, there's like the kids and the Okay, well,
i'll get way into it too quickly.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
I'll be like start talking about Skyrim again. Okay, I
can't wait.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
I'm so excited to finally finally do the Ottoman Empire.
But before we do that, we've got another, uh, we've
got another unfortunate end for a royal. Also from Scotland.
You've heard about James, but what about James too, Yeah, jameson.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Nobody calls him James the first. It's just James. I
guess you don't need the Yeah, it's they.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
Could call him James the first. It does happen from
time to time.
Speaker 4 (18:48):
James Bible. Yeah, he's actually King James, I believe the
fifth because they're different lines.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Oh right, England, and it's not the same Scotland. Yeah,
well this is uh, the King of Scotland James the Second,
and I love what you put here, Max. Of all
the Kings of Scotland, James the Second is definitely one
of them.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
Yeah yeah, but not the Uh.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
He's no uh, He's not an Alexander the Second, you know.
So he does, unfortunately have a weird ending to his life.
So we want to you know, I'm glad we're bringing
up the King James distinction. It gets confusing. It's like
that novel One hundred Years of Solitude, when so many
characters all have the same names. King James one, the
(19:33):
King of England caugh cough, Bible dude is from the
uh is from the same line of the King James
is that we're talking about here, but the first one
after they merge the Kings of Scotland and England together.
Let's just fast forward. So like in Scottish terms, yeah,
thank you. In Scottish terms, the guy we're talking about
(19:53):
is King James the sixth basically, So Max, because you
and I are friends and your research associated for this,
I will quote you he was King James the six
meaning the James as we were talking about today would
be King James minus three in England. Does this matter, No.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
No, but you wanted to write it anyway.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Guys, Wouldn't it have been easier if they'd just given
everybody their own, unique, creative, flourishing name instead of all
these multitudes of James's.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It would, But there's branding involved.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Because it's about the line or they want to support
the previous administration.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Basically, it's like that pope who had that cool name,
who made who made the calendar? And his name is Gregg,
greg not the Ugo Bancapia calendar, right right.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Also, also, I will point out that's I've always suspected
that's part of the reason so many ancient rulers would
get a.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Street name or oh yeah, yeah, of course a nickname
like Caligula was. It was a nickname like you.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Know, uh, like Alexander the Horny or Alexander the bad
horse rider.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Caligula was Guias Magnus some like a lot of that.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Those other emperors were, and a lot of them did
have their own like Cesarean and all of these basically nicknames.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
I also like the ones.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
I also like the ones that are clearly historical insults
later where it's like I'll just make one up, but
you know, it's like Donovan the mid Lane exactly still
Gar the fine right, the just okay of sorry Stilgar
was from Dune.
Speaker 4 (21:39):
But I think I mean the best one was there's
one it's like Ethel read the Unready.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Yeah, I love that one. Uh, he wasn't ready for it.
Check out our previous episode so to see what we mean. So, okay,
let's go to our palace of Britannica.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
They break it down this way.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
James the Second was the King of Sky from fourteen
thirty seven to fourteen sixty not super duper long, but
pretty respectful in the grand scheme of things. And he
came into a time of civil pandemonium in the first
half of his raid, but he was able to turn
things around because solidate his power and become he was
(22:18):
very good at the game of thrones.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Huh and sure you gotta be Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
And he's he's bucking the trend because he like a
previous monarch. He becomes king when he's six years old
because someone kills his father.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Ye it happens, jals sold this time someone killed me daddy,
And now I'm a small, tiny child king. Can we
also just take a moment to say that it's neat
that the Kings of Scotland are referred to as being
King of Scots, referring I guess directly to the people,
which I think is a name and it's an interesting
kind of like.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Twist on that phrase.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
I guess the closest thing I can compare it to
would be like King of the Britons, which I think
more was referring to the land than it is the
people are people Britons or is that like you.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Know it on where you're from and what version of
Elder scrolls are playing?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Stop it no, all right, we're going fast.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
And so I had that was three back so because
again because he is a boy king, there is this
vacuum of power post assassination, and what we see is
the emergence of three would be Usubu families, the Critons,
the Livingstones, the Douglasses, and they they want to take
(23:39):
control of the young king, to guide him and financially
decideline him so that they can be the power behind
the throne.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
We've been talking about that from the top of the episode.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Now we're getting a little more insight into like a
specific example of this kind of behind the scenes machinations.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
Right, Canary, did I use you, Canary? Right? I think
I did? You did?
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Think it's a political it means politically secret kind of
sneaky political maneuvers.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
He also did some actions we would consider scurrilous. So
he all right, So it's it's the game of throat stuff, right,
the game of houses as they call it, a wheel
of time in that series. You hurt with one hand,
you caress with another, and you manage these people, you
manipulate them. So James assumes his royal duties. Ak actually
(24:29):
starts doing his job when he gets married in fourteen
forty nine. Here's how he consolidates stuff. Some people he
makes a truce with, He negotiates with the Douglas family.
But then some other families, like the living students, he
just straight almost read weddings them like he dispossesses them.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Of all their land, right, I mean, and you're not
joking when you say they we read wedding to them.
He literally stabbed Old William, the eighth Earl of Douglas
a bunch of times, and then he took all of
(25:11):
their stuff, including demolishing, absolutely destroying the Douglas castles, and
took control of all of their vast landholdings in the States.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Yes, yeah, and that's how the game is played, folks.
This also is a huge financial boom for James, and he.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
Gets a little big for his breeches.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
He's like, I'm pretty good at this ruthless monarch stuff.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
So he looks over at.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
England and he he kind of has a hold my
beer moment and he says, you know what, maybe maybe
those folks down south could use a little James.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
And he's got James. Yeah, I picture of using his
name as a verb.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Yeah, but who will know which James he's talking about.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
That's just such a that's such a douchey frat boy
thing to do. Like, hey, baby, you want to get
James got changed?
Speaker 3 (26:03):
I could mean so many different things. It's a lot,
it's a lot.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
So now, newly puffed up and emboldened, James moves on
to phase two of his plan.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Yes, yes, phase two. This is what.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Leads to his unfortunate and back to our pal Samantha Aerosmith,
he is taking advantage of chaos. He's very little finger
about some of these things now, because he came up
in that sort of.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
Game Scotland's relatively chill, comparatively chill when looking at England.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Well, especially now right because it's the war of the
Wars of the Roses. People who maybe just watch the
show Game of Thrones don't know this, but the author
of the books the show is based.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
On, George R. R.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Martin, pretty much based his long series Song of Ice
and Fire exactly on the Wars of the Roses.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
And I don't really know a lot of the historical details.
I'm sure it does. And you know, obviously, despite how.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Complicated seeming a lot of the Game of Thrones stuff
is, at least in the books and the show too, the
real history is even more complex. So he's taking advantage
of you just know that basically they're in chaos. There's
all kinds of chicanery going on behind the scenes, and
you know, vuying for succession. It really is just think
of the simplified version as the Game of Thrones plot.
(27:18):
So he's taking advantage of all of this. You're right
about the little Finger thing. He's looking at all this
chaos as a ladder, you know, for me to climb
and get what's mine.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Yeah, exactly, And just to be clear, at this point,
he's not really thinking of the greater good of the
people of Scotland.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
He is thinking of himself exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Yeah, despite being the King of Scots, you know, the
Scots Secretary, he's.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Kind of like the King of James. So anyway, he says,
we're going to take back Roxburgh Castle, which was held
by the English at the time in this fourteen sixty
So he says, all right, guys, not gonna lie to you.
This is going to be uphill. It's going to be
a long siege. So he brings a big, big army.
They have a lot of artillery, and they have what's
(28:04):
sort of his nuclear weapon at the time, his biggest gun,
a huge cannon, a bombard cannon called the Lion.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
It's his favorite.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
Piece of armament and he wants to show it off
to the Earl of Huntley. And we're getting this story
from a chronicler who comes later named Robert Lindsay. And
the way Robert Lindsay writes it is that James basically said, hey, bro,
come look at my gun. He went down and he
stood next to the Lion, like the way you would pose
(28:36):
in front of a statue for Instagram selfie. I'm said,
we're an audio podcast because some physical comedy.
Speaker 3 (28:43):
And so here's why.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
I have my fist on my hip Mick Jagger style
and one leg up on the base of the statue
with my other arm resting on.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
It, you know.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
And yeah, there's someone else who's got like they're pretending,
you know, they've got the cannon between their legs and
they're like a look at my original. But anyway, whatever
he was doing, he's very close to this and he's
bragging to the Earl of Huntley and then the lion explode.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Goes off baby with the bang. Oh my god, really quickly.
I hadn't seen this done quite this well until very recently.
But in the new show, the new version of Showgun,
there is a sequence no spoilers, just just happens at
some point, and I can tell you who the parties
are involved, where some people have occasion to get exploded
by some cannon fire and it is gnarly. You're getting
(29:32):
your limbs knocked off, you're getting eviscerated. I mean, those
things tear through flesh, like to quote Mandy, like a
fat kid through cake. And it's pretty insane. What can
happen with that?
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Kind of stuff. So what happens to our boy James.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
According to Robert Lindsay, his thigh bone was dug in
too with a piece of misframe. The guy that's breaking
shooting by the witch. He was stricting to the ground
and died hostile.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Oh he died so very hostily, a very unfortunate and too.
I mean maybe maybe appropriate actually because he was such
a you know, warhawk, right.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Right, and he's only twenty nine years old, and this
is an ugly way.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
To go, right And basically he's saying his leg was
exploded off his body, is what he's said, right right,
His thigh bone was hewn in twain.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
So he bled out, you know, And so he bled
out and he was in tremendous page. Oh sure, And
this means an unfortunate pattern in some Scottish dynasties. This
means that his heir becomes a sentence.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
To the throne at the age of eight. Oh yeah, gosh.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
But he's of course, he's not really driving at this point.
He's got another pattern of people trying to control the
kingdom through him and hold the hagis I just wanted
to do that one, you guys.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Ever, tried. Hagis absolutely not. It's not that. I'm sure
it's not. This is like it's that good either.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
But there have been a lot of videos making the
rounds on social media, like where it's like a like
a very bespoke restaurant kind of gourmet spot where they
bring out your hags to the table and it's basically
like an inflated balloon of meat and they they it's
like got steam where it's literally been inflated and you
see them pierce it and it deflates like a ball bag.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
And it's, oh god, it's despicable.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
Isn't there a place over in Ease a lot of
village you can get hagis?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
You get shepherd Ye, don't you dare compare Shepherd's byways?
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Go there? Whatever. Yeah, it's just like they do they do.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
They like the soccer there technically has is a pudding.
I just thought that makes guys, come on, what lackest
of puddings? What is life if not to be lived?
You guys don't like Robert Burns. That's when they have
the haggis. It's on Burns Day anyway, So why are
we why are we talking about this? It's because in
our exploration here, we realize that we're making this entirely
(32:01):
a Scottish King's episode. There are more royal deaths that
we're going to return to in Royal Deaths Part five.
But I think we found a very troubling pattern of
getting to the throne a little too young, haven't we,
And we've been dying too young to be honest?
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Yeah, well again, you know, just this is basically the
selfie that killed you know. I mean, just also be
careful around live ammunition when taking your Instagram cloud videos,
or when.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Bragging to your earls, your earl friends and your entourage.
And there are many, many, many more ridiculous mishaps in
the history of various monarchies, which we will return to.
Slight spoiler, We're gonna talk about a King John in
the future. We're going to talk about a couple of
(32:52):
other monarchs you may not have heard of, and we're
going to travel to the Near East and the Ottoman Empire.
So excited, it's so weird.
Speaker 3 (33:02):
And in the meantime, we've.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Got to give a big, big thanks to We've got
to give big, big thanks to our pal Kevin.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
Oh yeah, Kevin's the best.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Yeah, Kevin and the listener to the show, who we
got to meet in person in LA yesterday for the
very first.
Speaker 3 (33:19):
Time and it was a lot of fun. We had
a good time.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Also, Big thanks to super producer and research Associate Extraordinariy
Max Von Williams.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
First of his name, and some say he's the favorite Williams,
but that's up to history, isn't it. Big thanks of
course to Alex Williams who composed this track. Big thanks
to Jonathan Strickland Ak the Quister, A j Bahama, Jacobs,
heyk the Puzzler.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Given everybody nicknames absolutely as it should be held.
Speaker 3 (33:49):
Are we going to keep them all straight? Which is
they're all named James?
Speaker 4 (33:52):
Right?
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Secretly everybody we're thanking in the credits is named James,
including Eves Jeffcot whose real first name is James.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
She'll love that one.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
We'll see you next time, folks. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Ridiculous History is a production of iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
(00:27):
the show Ridiculous Historians. We were coming to you on
the road and at least by a case incredibly cartoonishly
sleep deprived. Shout out to super producer mister Max Williams.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
All Right, okay, well, liessn't trying out a new little
funny buzzy word at the beginning of that. I'm going
with who do you Who today just to represents Atlanta.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
But I don't know. It might change, it might be
the same. I gave up. Hoorah rah damn.
Speaker 4 (00:53):
Carry on, remember ooh baby baby, it's the wow.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Getting riled up. I'm getting ribbed up. At the top
of the show today.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
They call me Ben with me as always as mister
Noel Brown. This is Ridiculous Royal Deaths Round four And
just for full disclosure, folks, we know there's been a
lot of unfortunate news about the royal family of the
United Kingdom. We're not making light of that in any way.
(01:23):
You can get some updates on that with various other
shows we have done, such as Stuff They Don't Want
You to Know and hanging out with our pal Gandhi
on sauce on the side.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
And speaking of stuff that, I want you to know
this isn't anything to do with today's episode, but there
is going to be a fun update to a classic
Ridiculous History episode about the curse of Colonel Sanders that
has loomed over the Japanese baseball team. I believe it's
the hans Shun Tigers for many, many years because somebody
took a Colonel Sanders statue outside of a KFC in
(01:55):
Japan and threw it in a very dirty, nasty river.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
And as we know, baseball is probably one of.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
The most superstitious of sports. Anyway, superstitious hilarity ensued, and
now apparently there's been a bit of a.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Break and people really do believe that.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
You guys know, I spend spent a regular amount of
time over in Japan, and I was startled to run
into baseball fans who absolutely believe this. I don't know
if I told you about when I ran into some
baseball fans. I had a Braves hat on and I
was just, you know, like a nice little romin spot
and these sure, these kids who were a little younger
(02:30):
than me, were huge, huge, hugely into baseball and I
was able to hold the conversation.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Max, you would have been proud of me.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I was able to hold the conversation for about fifteen
to sixteen minutes.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
But they knew all.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
The stats, they missed everything, and eventually I was like, guys,
I'm sorry, this is the extent of my knowledge of
the Atlanta Braves.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Well, I mean, well, you know exports, two of which
are Kentucky fried chicken and the sport of baseball. It
does seem that Japan when they kind of you know,
take those kinds of things on, a lot of the
American words sort of become like locked in tied to it.
So you can probably with your basic knowledge of Japanese
and then you know, throwing around some baseball buzzwords, you
(03:12):
could probably get by for a while as you well did.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
That's amazing. I want to give a Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
So I want to give a long overdue shout out
to our pals across the Pound Pond, Toshi Yoshi and
two guys named Ken.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Amazing. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
Also, I just want to point out that right now,
in the background, I'm sending up my probable starters for
this weekend my fantasy baseball league.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Well, one of my six Fantasy Baseball.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
League, Dare to Dream? Bro Uh so is it me?
It's fantasy baseball. It's always sounded a little erotic. I
don't know why, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I'm just picturing noddy stuff going.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
It's like the it's like the gravity uh pleasure, the
pleasures of gravity, right.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
As as it almost be me spit. As a writer
in a comic, I tend to think everything's dirty. But well,
we'll get.
Speaker 4 (03:55):
To the gravity pleasure ride.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
We'll get to that litter, will we ever? Something in
the of nothing.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Today's episode isn't about any of these things, but it
is another of our famous royal death listical episode, right,
and you did tease that with the disclaimer, which I
think was absolutely fair.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Yes, yeah, and we have to admit, you know, existence
is tough. Even if you are a prince or a
duke or an aristocrat, you too will be more lis king. Right,
perhaps everybody from pauper to prince, from a peasants to monarch,
everybody is human. So look, a lot of time has passed.
(04:37):
When we talk about royal deaths, strange ridiculous royal deaths,
we do try to focus on people who have passed
away a long long time ago. And as we said
in our very first installment of this, it's going to
be a continuing series. I don't know what are you saying?
All you want to just dive in. Since we mentioned Scotland.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
We must well, yeah, Scottish king, yeah, pretty and a
duke of pope. We are in fact all human. King
Alexander the Third of Scotland was what were we talking
a little bit about horniness slightly? We were with the
fantasy as well. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's okay. He
was Yeah, he was ready. He was single and ready
to mingle. Well not necessarily single, but he was definitely
(05:19):
ready to mingle.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
He was in.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Quite a rush to get to the deed. Let's just say.
But let's just start from when he was born. Alexander
the Third born September fourth, twelve forty one died March
eighteenth or nineteen somewhere there in twelve eighty.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Six, near king Horn, fifth Scotland.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
He was the King of Scotland from twelve forty nine
to twelve eighty six, and the last major ruler of
a dynasty of kings descending from Malcolm the third of Canmore,
who actually consolidated a lot of the royal powers in Scotland.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
And Alexander did the right thing as a monarch. He
left his kingdom with its own autonomy. It was independent,
it was prosperous, it was united, and Scott's looking back
would think, man Alexander ruled over a golden age. And
it's just the shame that after he died we got
in this long, protracted, bloody conflict with England. King Alexander
(06:21):
the second had one son, and this kid was named,
in a burst of creativity, Alexander the Third. And yeah,
we know monarchies and meritocracies may have a bit of
a Venn diagram, but merit is not the way you
become monarch. The way you become monarch is based entirely
on your familial relation to the previous monarch or a
(06:44):
bloody battle.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
So weird thing.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
About that blood or you know, the bloody the inside
blood or the outside bloody. Yes, So Alexander the Third,
it turns out he is only seven years old, which
he becomes the king. I'm just going to go out
on a limb and say, maybe he wasn't the most
qualified for the job. And we see it, of course
depicted in shows like Game of Thrones and such, where
(07:07):
these you know, small children that are presiding or reigning
over these massive empires. And often what you end up
seeing the situations of the real power is the power
behind the throne and the advisors and perhaps a mother,
you know, or a close relationship that's kind of whispering
in the young king's ear and getting them to kind
of do their bidding and sort of steering things from
(07:27):
the shadows.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
Right right exactly.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
And this is where we get to one of my
one of my favorite words I learned from Blood Meridian
by Cormack McCarthy, which when that film finally comes out,
it's going to be amazing.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
It is going to be Gnarlis.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
So it's got one of the best villains in all
of English literature, all of sorry, the English language.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
So it is good.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Judge Holden, Yes, oh god, absolute monster. Actually gave me
nightmares reading that, but so okay. So this word is souzerainty.
To be a suzerain means to have dominion over something
in practice, if not in name. So you might not
have your stamp on the maps or the money or
(08:10):
the paper, but you control an area. So Henry the
Third he recognizes an opportunity, you know, and he says, look,
I'm gonna engineer a political marriage. We're going to do
an arranged marriage of children, and this will be my
way to gain control over Scotland. And so in twelve
(08:34):
fifty five, a pro English faction in Scotland grabs Little
Alli three Alexander the Third, and then two years later
an anti English faction gets the upper hand and they
control the government. So Alexander is safe. They safeguard him
until he comes of age in twelve sixty two. The
(08:55):
year after that, he fights off an invasion by a
Norwegian king who's got a really cool, like Dune esque name,
hock On four four.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Yeah, sorry, excuse me, I had something in my throat
right on.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
And this guy Hockon has a son named King Magnus
five And in twelve six Magnus.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
What a strong name. Magnus is.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Yeah, And for a while these guys uh the Norwegian line.
They were controlling some islands along the west coast of Scotland,
really beautiful places, the Isle of Man, a couple other ones.
So eventually Magnus seeds control of those islands to Scotland,
which is why they're part of Scotland today.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Side note, do you guys know who Magnus is in
Skyrim or are the older scrolls?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (09:40):
Hold on, yeah, hold on, well he he's he's uh
miss Honey's father in Matilda and and and they and
they make him speak from beyond the grave to freak
out the trench bowl.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Sorry if that was any minor spoilers for Matilda.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
You're talking about the staff of Magnus Magnet. I have
the staff of Magnet, that's what there's the eye of
and there's Magnus Septum.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
So Magnus was the architect of lor CON's uh world scheme,
which was you know, which is Munda's, which is the universe?
Speaker 3 (10:12):
But then god of magic.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
I think he's got a magic But so like all
the Adra had put.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
A lot of literally everybody right now, yeah, no, three
people are very happy about this.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
There's just all on air right now.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Magnus is uh was just so strong that he was
the only one of the Adria to say now I'm out.
So he backed out, and by doing that, he ripped
a whole through the Munda's so that magic could leak
into Munda's from etheriusts and that is the sun.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
Did you say this is important? I want this to
get lost.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
I met a guy who worked at Bethesda and helped
build Skyrim last night. Noel, you met him too, our
buddy John.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Uh yeah, that job. Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Okay, So now uh now back to the show we
were doing. So if you get talked about in one
of these episodes, you know, we spend a lot of
time talking about the back and forth of a lot
of Western European conflicts. Here's the deal. This is Royal
Death's fellow ridiculous historians. So if you get mentioned in
one of these episodes, that means you did not die
(11:24):
in a fun or clean way.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
No, he is of age now, right, Like I mean,
at least Fellas, Yeah, he's all grown up. So at
least we're not talking about like killing kids or anything,
which I'm not saying that's off the table entirely. If
it happens, it happens.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
As soon as you come of age as a monarch,
then your next job is to make more kids, right,
You got to ensure the bloodline continues. Alexander did have
did have three kids with his first wife, who unfortunately
she passed away in twelve seventy five, and then all
of his all of his children from that marriage had
(11:59):
also passed away by twelve eighty four. Get yeah, getting
that from Samantha Aerosmith for mental.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Flaws, remember that part, and also love Samantha for her
writing and her incredible last name which is spelled not
like the band, because they're they're the Smiths of like aerospace.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
This is like an actual aerospace at w.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
But I didn't remember the part about all of his
kids dying Jesus man, Yeah, what a bummer. So now
he's really in desperate need to produce that air, and
a situation arises where he might just.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Have that opportunity.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Yes, he marries Jolande through in twelve eighty five, and
he is feeling you know, I hate to make it
sound like a Lifetime movie. You know in Lifetime there's
always like the hard nosed businesswoman. Main character travels back
to her small town and she feels her biological clock
(13:03):
is ticking. That's what's happened in Alexander three. He's like,
I need to make babies strong preference for a dude,
and so he starts to He is trying to travel
to Yolanda and make children as quickly as possible, and
he's a little interesting, he's not cautious about it.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
It's interesting.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
It's for her birthday, so presumably he's trying to get
to her a surprise her with birthday sex. Like, is
this like gonna be a special date night situation?
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Like, I don't.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I guess I don't fully understand the significance of it
begetting to her for her birthday.
Speaker 4 (13:40):
But it also feels like he forgot her birthday and
that's why he'll.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
Dress himself up as a present, as a sexy present.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Yeah, sounds very happen exactly.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So, so here's what he does. He does something that's
not super smart. At the time, the Queen is at
king Horn Castle in Fife, and he is rushing from
Edinburgh post taste and to make good time to get
there punctually. He travels through the night, and traveling at night,
even if you're king, one could argue, especially if you're king,
(14:14):
is pretty dangerous.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
At this point, we take that for granted, dolt, he
have like headlights and such, you know, in street lights,
you're traveling through some rough terrain, you know, I mean
a horse could twist its ankle and send you, you know,
tumbling down a hillside or whatever.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
At first, when I was hearing this.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
I'm like, oh, no, he didn't get wet and die
of a common coal diddy like that one president taking
his night walks. No, but still not too too far
off in terms of very preventable things.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Yeah, here's what happened. All of his guides attire entourage
is going, buddy, we get it. You know, we felt
the force of the horn ourselves.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
Right, and the horn.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Yeah, it's all but reason must prevail, you know, think
with your other head. He doesn't listen, so he travels,
He activigates, He travels by night, He is separated from
his guides, and he disappears. They don't find him until
dawn the next day. He has indeed fallen off a cliff.
His horse stumbled in the dark through all over the edge.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
See I was just guessing that impossible SCENARTI broke his neck,
and it's probably because it's probably because he was making
the horse go faster than the horse needed to go.
You know, it's kind of embarrassing. Really, I'm sure when
you get found like that, you're not looking very kingly.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
It's a little better than dying on the commode. But
it's pretty unbecoming, you know.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
You know, if he had died on a commode at
that time, they would have been fascinated because it would
have been a future device. It would be the first
time they had seen a commode too.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Oh that's fine.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Sorry, yeah, a cute George Washington themul Sorry, we haven't
said it on this show.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Stuff that I want you to know.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
We have a very ridiculous history ongoing sketch series featuring
Ben as George Washington traveling through time.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Maybe we'll have to feature a commode one of these Yeah,
that would be mind bloy.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
I'm also excited for you to teach him the latest
con virtual reality.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
We can't that's a new one coming out. It might
be out already by the time this episode hits.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
And you could check that out on our on our
Instagram for stuff they don't want you to know, so
let us know. Yeah, I can't believe I mentioned before. Yeah,
with great music by mister Matt Fredericks.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
Oh God, what an earworm and a banger it is.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
But Ben, as we know, when it comes to royal deaths,
whether you know, dignified or otherwise, it tends to leave
a vacuum that is usually filled with a lot of
creative and intense political jockeying, right.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yes, sir, Yeah, so the king, the king expires unexpectedly,
he leaves no heirs, no direct adult airs.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Yeah, so he was going there to shoot for right
on what you wish?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Yeah, yeah, and so and so all of a sudden
there is a spurt of chaos.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Stop it now, we're keeping it as is.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
So this next direct air and the chain of command
and inheritance here would be his granddaughter Margaret, who is
one year old when she gets to the throne.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
Again.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Again, not to be a jerk about it, but maybe
not the best person for the job at this point.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Well yeah, and again it just it just leaves it
open for whomever the hand the baby handler is to
take the reins.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
We don't really it's.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
A million percent, but a lot of times it's not
even clear who exactly that person is all the time, right,
because it's all happening like, you know, kind of beneath board.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Oh my gosh, guys, I would love to do an
episode about the inner life of harems in the Ottoman Empire.
It is so fascinating that's I think that's our next
step of royal deaths, because what you just said reminded
me like the power plays and the you know, the
king in name or the queen in name.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
Sure word again actually Susanphone.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Susara, and then you know things like in the Ottoman
Empire they had two different two different controlling forces. In
the Harem, there's like the kids and the Okay, well,
i'll get way into it too quickly.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
I'll be like start talking about Skyrim again. Okay, I
can't wait.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
I'm so excited to finally finally do the Ottoman Empire.
But before we do that, we've got another, uh, we've
got another unfortunate end for a royal. Also from Scotland.
You've heard about James, but what about James too, Yeah, jameson.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Nobody calls him James the first. It's just James. I
guess you don't need the Yeah, it's they.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
Could call him James the first. It does happen from
time to time.
Speaker 4 (18:48):
James Bible. Yeah, he's actually King James, I believe the
fifth because they're different lines.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Oh right, England, and it's not the same Scotland. Yeah,
well this is uh, the King of Scotland James the Second,
and I love what you put here, Max. Of all
the Kings of Scotland, James the Second is definitely one
of them.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
Yeah yeah, but not the Uh.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
He's no uh, He's not an Alexander the Second, you know.
So he does, unfortunately have a weird ending to his life.
So we want to you know, I'm glad we're bringing
up the King James distinction. It gets confusing. It's like
that novel One hundred Years of Solitude, when so many
characters all have the same names. King James one, the
(19:33):
King of England caugh cough, Bible dude is from the
uh is from the same line of the King James
is that we're talking about here, but the first one
after they merge the Kings of Scotland and England together.
Let's just fast forward. So like in Scottish terms, yeah,
thank you. In Scottish terms, the guy we're talking about
(19:53):
is King James the sixth basically, So Max, because you
and I are friends and your research associated for this,
I will quote you he was King James the six
meaning the James as we were talking about today would
be King James minus three in England. Does this matter, No.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
No, but you wanted to write it anyway.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Guys, Wouldn't it have been easier if they'd just given
everybody their own, unique, creative, flourishing name instead of all
these multitudes of James's.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It would, But there's branding involved.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Because it's about the line or they want to support
the previous administration.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Basically, it's like that pope who had that cool name,
who made who made the calendar? And his name is Gregg,
greg not the Ugo Bancapia calendar, right right.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Also, also, I will point out that's I've always suspected
that's part of the reason so many ancient rulers would
get a.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Street name or oh yeah, yeah, of course a nickname
like Caligula was. It was a nickname like you.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Know, uh, like Alexander the Horny or Alexander the bad
horse rider.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Caligula was Guias Magnus some like a lot of that.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Those other emperors were, and a lot of them did
have their own like Cesarean and all of these basically nicknames.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
I also like the ones.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
I also like the ones that are clearly historical insults
later where it's like I'll just make one up, but
you know, it's like Donovan the mid Lane exactly still
Gar the fine right, the just okay of sorry Stilgar
was from Dune.
Speaker 4 (21:39):
But I think I mean the best one was there's
one it's like Ethel read the Unready.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
Yeah, I love that one. Uh, he wasn't ready for it.
Check out our previous episode so to see what we mean. So, okay,
let's go to our palace of Britannica.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
They break it down this way.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
James the Second was the King of Sky from fourteen
thirty seven to fourteen sixty not super duper long, but
pretty respectful in the grand scheme of things. And he
came into a time of civil pandemonium in the first
half of his raid, but he was able to turn
things around because solidate his power and become he was
(22:18):
very good at the game of thrones.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Huh and sure you gotta be Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
And he's he's bucking the trend because he like a
previous monarch. He becomes king when he's six years old
because someone kills his father.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Ye it happens, jals sold this time someone killed me daddy,
And now I'm a small, tiny child king. Can we
also just take a moment to say that it's neat
that the Kings of Scotland are referred to as being
King of Scots, referring I guess directly to the people,
which I think is a name and it's an interesting
kind of like.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Twist on that phrase.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
I guess the closest thing I can compare it to
would be like King of the Britons, which I think
more was referring to the land than it is the
people are people Britons or is that like you.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Know it on where you're from and what version of
Elder scrolls are playing?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Stop it no, all right, we're going fast.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
And so I had that was three back so because
again because he is a boy king, there is this
vacuum of power post assassination, and what we see is
the emergence of three would be Usubu families, the Critons,
the Livingstones, the Douglasses, and they they want to take
(23:39):
control of the young king, to guide him and financially
decideline him so that they can be the power behind
the throne.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
We've been talking about that from the top of the episode.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Now we're getting a little more insight into like a
specific example of this kind of behind the scenes machinations.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
Right, Canary, did I use you, Canary? Right? I think
I did? You did?
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Think it's a political it means politically secret kind of
sneaky political maneuvers.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
He also did some actions we would consider scurrilous. So
he all right, So it's it's the game of throat stuff, right,
the game of houses as they call it, a wheel
of time in that series. You hurt with one hand,
you caress with another, and you manage these people, you
manipulate them. So James assumes his royal duties. Ak actually
(24:29):
starts doing his job when he gets married in fourteen
forty nine. Here's how he consolidates stuff. Some people he
makes a truce with, He negotiates with the Douglas family.
But then some other families, like the living students, he
just straight almost read weddings them like he dispossesses them.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Of all their land, right, I mean, and you're not
joking when you say they we read wedding to them.
He literally stabbed Old William, the eighth Earl of Douglas
a bunch of times, and then he took all of
(25:11):
their stuff, including demolishing, absolutely destroying the Douglas castles, and
took control of all of their vast landholdings in the States.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Yes, yeah, and that's how the game is played, folks.
This also is a huge financial boom for James, and he.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
Gets a little big for his breeches.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
He's like, I'm pretty good at this ruthless monarch stuff.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
So he looks over at.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
England and he he kind of has a hold my
beer moment and he says, you know what, maybe maybe
those folks down south could use a little James.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
And he's got James. Yeah, I picture of using his
name as a verb.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Yeah, but who will know which James he's talking about.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
That's just such a that's such a douchey frat boy
thing to do. Like, hey, baby, you want to get
James got changed?
Speaker 3 (26:03):
I could mean so many different things. It's a lot,
it's a lot.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
So now, newly puffed up and emboldened, James moves on
to phase two of his plan.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
Yes, yes, phase two. This is what.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Leads to his unfortunate and back to our pal Samantha Aerosmith,
he is taking advantage of chaos. He's very little finger
about some of these things now, because he came up
in that sort of.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
Game Scotland's relatively chill, comparatively chill when looking at England.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Well, especially now right because it's the war of the
Wars of the Roses. People who maybe just watch the
show Game of Thrones don't know this, but the author
of the books the show is based.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
On, George R. R.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Martin, pretty much based his long series Song of Ice
and Fire exactly on the Wars of the Roses.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
And I don't really know a lot of the historical details.
I'm sure it does. And you know, obviously, despite how.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Complicated seeming a lot of the Game of Thrones stuff
is, at least in the books and the show too, the
real history is even more complex. So he's taking advantage
of you just know that basically they're in chaos. There's
all kinds of chicanery going on behind the scenes, and
you know, vuying for succession. It really is just think
of the simplified version as the Game of Thrones plot.
(27:18):
So he's taking advantage of all of this. You're right
about the little Finger thing. He's looking at all this
chaos as a ladder, you know, for me to climb
and get what's mine.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Yeah, exactly, And just to be clear, at this point,
he's not really thinking of the greater good of the
people of Scotland.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
He is thinking of himself exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Yeah, despite being the King of Scots, you know, the
Scots Secretary, he's.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Kind of like the King of James. So anyway, he says,
we're going to take back Roxburgh Castle, which was held
by the English at the time in this fourteen sixty
So he says, all right, guys, not gonna lie to you.
This is going to be uphill. It's going to be
a long siege. So he brings a big, big army.
They have a lot of artillery, and they have what's
(28:04):
sort of his nuclear weapon at the time, his biggest gun,
a huge cannon, a bombard cannon called the Lion.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
It's his favorite.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
Piece of armament and he wants to show it off
to the Earl of Huntley. And we're getting this story
from a chronicler who comes later named Robert Lindsay. And
the way Robert Lindsay writes it is that James basically said, hey, bro,
come look at my gun. He went down and he
stood next to the Lion, like the way you would pose
(28:36):
in front of a statue for Instagram selfie. I'm said,
we're an audio podcast because some physical comedy.
Speaker 3 (28:43):
And so here's why.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
I have my fist on my hip Mick Jagger style
and one leg up on the base of the statue
with my other arm resting on.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
It, you know.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
And yeah, there's someone else who's got like they're pretending,
you know, they've got the cannon between their legs and
they're like a look at my original. But anyway, whatever
he was doing, he's very close to this and he's
bragging to the Earl of Huntley and then the lion explode.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Goes off baby with the bang. Oh my god, really quickly.
I hadn't seen this done quite this well until very recently.
But in the new show, the new version of Showgun,
there is a sequence no spoilers, just just happens at
some point, and I can tell you who the parties
are involved, where some people have occasion to get exploded
by some cannon fire and it is gnarly. You're getting
(29:32):
your limbs knocked off, you're getting eviscerated. I mean, those
things tear through flesh, like to quote Mandy, like a
fat kid through cake. And it's pretty insane. What can
happen with that?
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Kind of stuff. So what happens to our boy James.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
According to Robert Lindsay, his thigh bone was dug in
too with a piece of misframe. The guy that's breaking
shooting by the witch. He was stricting to the ground
and died hostile.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Oh he died so very hostily, a very unfortunate and too.
I mean maybe maybe appropriate actually because he was such
a you know, warhawk, right.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Right, and he's only twenty nine years old, and this
is an ugly way.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
To go, right And basically he's saying his leg was
exploded off his body, is what he's said, right right,
His thigh bone was hewn in twain.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
So he bled out, you know, And so he bled
out and he was in tremendous page. Oh sure, And
this means an unfortunate pattern in some Scottish dynasties. This
means that his heir becomes a sentence.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
To the throne at the age of eight. Oh yeah, gosh.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
But he's of course, he's not really driving at this point.
He's got another pattern of people trying to control the
kingdom through him and hold the hagis I just wanted
to do that one, you guys.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Ever, tried. Hagis absolutely not. It's not that. I'm sure
it's not. This is like it's that good either.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
But there have been a lot of videos making the
rounds on social media, like where it's like a like
a very bespoke restaurant kind of gourmet spot where they
bring out your hags to the table and it's basically
like an inflated balloon of meat and they they it's
like got steam where it's literally been inflated and you
see them pierce it and it deflates like a ball bag.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
And it's, oh god, it's despicable.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
Isn't there a place over in Ease a lot of
village you can get hagis?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
You get shepherd Ye, don't you dare compare Shepherd's byways?
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Go there? Whatever. Yeah, it's just like they do they do.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
They like the soccer there technically has is a pudding.
I just thought that makes guys, come on, what lackest
of puddings? What is life if not to be lived?
You guys don't like Robert Burns. That's when they have
the haggis. It's on Burns Day anyway, So why are
we why are we talking about this? It's because in
our exploration here, we realize that we're making this entirely
(32:01):
a Scottish King's episode. There are more royal deaths that
we're going to return to in Royal Deaths Part five.
But I think we found a very troubling pattern of
getting to the throne a little too young, haven't we,
And we've been dying too young to be honest?
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Yeah, well again, you know, just this is basically the
selfie that killed you know. I mean, just also be
careful around live ammunition when taking your Instagram cloud videos,
or when.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Bragging to your earls, your earl friends and your entourage.
And there are many, many, many more ridiculous mishaps in
the history of various monarchies, which we will return to.
Slight spoiler, We're gonna talk about a King John in
the future. We're going to talk about a couple of
(32:52):
other monarchs you may not have heard of, and we're
going to travel to the Near East and the Ottoman Empire.
So excited, it's so weird.
Speaker 3 (33:02):
And in the meantime, we've.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Got to give a big, big thanks to We've got
to give big, big thanks to our pal Kevin.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
Oh yeah, Kevin's the best.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Yeah, Kevin and the listener to the show, who we
got to meet in person in LA yesterday for the
very first.
Speaker 3 (33:19):
Time and it was a lot of fun. We had
a good time.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Also, Big thanks to super producer and research Associate Extraordinariy
Max Von Williams.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
First of his name, and some say he's the favorite Williams,
but that's up to history, isn't it. Big thanks of
course to Alex Williams who composed this track. Big thanks
to Jonathan Strickland Ak the Quister, A j Bahama, Jacobs,
heyk the Puzzler.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Given everybody nicknames absolutely as it should be held.
Speaker 3 (33:49):
Are we going to keep them all straight? Which is
they're all named James?
Speaker 4 (33:52):
Right?
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Secretly everybody we're thanking in the credits is named James,
including Eves Jeffcot whose real first name is James.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
She'll love that one.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
We'll see you next time, folks. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Ridiculous History News
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Ben Bowlin
Noel Brown
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