A Look at Modern Friendship: Part 2

In part two of our deep dive into friendship, Anney and Samantha dig into more questions around adult friendships.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, Sanny and Samantha and welcome stuff. I never told
you prediction by her radio.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
So we're back on part two of friendships. And if
you didn't listen to the early one, I guess you
can be you're you're okay, You're okay, because you could
go back after you're listening to this one. But if
you want to come in like a chronological order, I
would say go back, because we're going to jump in.
We just kind of talked about childhood stuff and now
we're going to talk about adult stuff. So what does

(00:40):
or how has it changed rather this friendship thing as adults?
How what is it like today?

Speaker 1 (00:46):
Well, Samantha, I can tell you tell me. I will
say a lot of people have done so much research
on this, see our part one. But this whole idea
of making adults is making friends as adults? How does
that happen? How does that work? Oh? No, no one
can do it. So, yeah, people have looked into as

(01:11):
our changing times impacted what friendship looks like today, and yeah,
not in every way, but in a couple of important ways.
So there is a bit there has been a shifting
understanding of what women's friendships look like. Here's a quote
from Elle. Then things started to change. She began dropping

(01:34):
plans with me to do things with whomever she was
seeing instead, always a man. Of course, I didn't get it.
Why would hanging out with some guy she barely knew
be more important than plans with me. To her, disregarding
my feelings to promote romantic ones with someone else was
a totally fine thing to do. When I got mad
at her for spontaneously going with a guy she'd been

(01:56):
dating for two weeks to a local farm that we
had talked about visiting for age, she told me, matter
of factly, I was raised to look for the person
who I am going to share my life with, and
that's my priority. Okay, so obviously for contact. She's talking
about a friend very close to her who she started

(02:17):
noticing was dropping her for these kind of heterosexual relationships
with men, and it further goes on where they get
into a fight about it, and this friend said to her,
it's like, you think I'm your boyfriend or something. And

(02:39):
so this article actually breaks down the history of queer
coating friendships because her friend was essentially saying, I'm not gay. Okay, Like,
you know, the important relationship to me is the romantic one,
not the platonic one. I do think something we've discussed

(03:03):
a lot on this show. I think that's changing. I
do think that women's friendships have been demonized for a
while in media, and that has impacted real life friendships.
But we've seen so many examples of these positive portrayals

(03:25):
of friendships between women, and we've seen I personally have
seen a lot of media about like the commune, the
idea women just living in the commune together, all of
those things. But I also think that I went through this,
I'm sure a lot of you listeners did, but having

(03:46):
that friend who used to talk about how will never
be with boys, and then suddenly that's what they want
and you were I used to call it the old
tour on the shelf. That's how I felt. I was
like the one they came to when there was no
boy right then. I was the person they contacted, and

(04:07):
it was It's not a great feeling.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
No, you knew when they were going through a break
and all of a sudden they wanted to hang out
and you're like, wait, oh, okay, y'all broke up, cools,
let's go. I will say I think it's interesting because
again I came I'm a I'm a late bloomer when
it comes to relationships, so for me, it was all
about my friends. And even coming later, I was like,

(04:31):
if my friends don't like him, then we are not
going to be cool, probably because I'm gonna need that.
You need to know. Yes, you are important my life,
but my friends are due mm hmm, and there's gonna
be if they need me, I'm gonna drop whatever to
go to there if at all positive, unless it's an
emergency on my end. But my loyalty goes in both

(04:54):
ways as well. But like my friendships always came first,
like of course being in a long term relationship, so
we actually live together and I have grown into a partnership,
like he has slowly become my best friend, like he
knows the most about me and he sees the most
about me now but when it was beginning, No, but
even now, I still try to maintain my friendships. To

(05:17):
be fair, it's because he also lives here, so it's
easier to maintain my friendship with a person I live with.
Am I right, But like all those things that, like,
my friendships have always been important as well, And he
also knows that. So he is also the first one
to be like, they need you, did you check up
on them? What's going on with them? Like he loves
the gossip just as much as like they do you

(05:40):
know what I mean, or any of those conversations and
following up make sure they're okay, and he wants to
know that they're okay. Like that's the only way this,
like this relationship has worked is because to him that
is also important, and he knows that's important. So he
respects that and is a part of that. He's a
part of the friend group and not like competing with

(06:01):
a friend group, which happens a lot. There are a
lot of people that I'm like, Okay, I don't like
that person you're dating. We I'm gonna have to let
you be yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:12):
Yeah, And we'll get into that in a second a
bit more. But that is I think that me and
your partner, we're good friends. We hang out, we have
a great old time.

Speaker 2 (06:23):
When you're like that you two have are wonderful, and
I'm like, I'll go to bed, y'all have fun.

Speaker 1 (06:30):
Yeah, And I do think at least that's a visible
way it's changed. I don't think that it's necessarily new,
but a lot of these things we're talking about are
more visible ways that it's changed, as opposed to I
think it was always happening, we just weren't hearing about
it as much.

Speaker 2 (06:48):
And also I think like we're learning from the older
generations of women who has been ostracized, specifically women ostracized
in their marriage to feel like my life has to
be my children and my husband and two being like, wait,
don't do this to yourself, because when they leave, you
start kind of falling apart. Like my mom didn't have

(07:09):
many friends while she was a mother and a wife,
but when everybody left, she was kind of like, oh,
my best friend's my sister. And then her sister introduced
her to a group of women and they are doing
more and more things together. I'm like, I love that great.
But she kind of had a moment that she didn't
have that because her daughter was her best friend type
of thing. And I think like she wouldn't say she

(07:30):
regrets that, but I know a lot of the older generations,
Boomer generations would say I wish I'd kept in touch
with my friends or I wish I had, you know,
kept this going because they felt really isolated and lonely
after the fact.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
Yeah, yeah, my mom was the same way. It was
a strange experience when her and my dad were having
such difficulties where I'm her adult child, but I'm her child,
and I was like, you know, let me talk to
you about these things. You know, you can make friends,
You've got life a of you. You don't have to.

(08:06):
It doesn't have to end here because this relationship has
defined you for so long that you have And she
has reconnected with her old friends, and yeah, I do too.

Speaker 2 (08:20):
Get women outlive men statistically, so there's been a conversation
about what that looks like as well for the older generations.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
Yes, and as we said in the last episode and
in previous episodes, friendship has positive health benefits and women
have more support systems after a divorce or breakup, and
that does help. Something else I ran into in a
lot of articles women's friendships being framed as resistance, as

(08:50):
power and strength. The ones who build you up, who
give you strength, who help you grow and learn, So
that touches on, you know, as we were discussing, the
friends who open you up to ideas you didn't know about,
or just show you the where you're lacking and you're learning,
or where you should really work work on. In that

(09:11):
positive I'm investing in you. I want you to grow way.
And when we're talking about protest or resistance and all
of that and how exhausting all of it can be,
having those friends who do help you keep going, who
are the ones that show up with you at the

(09:32):
protest or show up with you at whatever it is
that it is a form of resistance, and that is
something I is not new, It's not new at all,
but it is something that I think has become more
talked about visibly in recent years and is extremely important.

(09:53):
A recent study found that self identified feminists were less
likely to self silence in their friendships with women, which
we just talked about self silence, Yes, we did, yes,
and how that can be damaging to your health. So
I thought that was really interesting. Okay, when it comes
to marry and marrying later, because women are marrying later

(10:18):
in general, has it changed friendships? Uh? Okay, so many
of these things we could do entire episodes on. I know.
Here's the brief, here's the brief answer. Studies do show
that marriage does impact friendships and often leads to a
loss of friendship due to new priorities and scheduling constructions. However,

(10:43):
women are better at keeping friends after marriage as compared
to men, and there are tips online about how to
maintain friendships after marriage. And it echoes a lot of
what we've been talking about in this two parter, being
intentional and consistent including friends in new stages of your
life while being mindful about boundaries and being honest. Yeah,

(11:03):
as we talked about, sometimes life just gets in the
way and you wait until you have the right time
and proximity and that's when you meet up again. But
it does. It definitely is something we've talked about before
where like, oh you're married, now you move to the suburbs.
That's the top one for me. Yeah, I still want

(11:24):
to see you. I will do it.

Speaker 2 (11:25):
But yeah, I would love to see you, but I
also know you may have priorities with your husband, his family,
You have new obligations. One of the things that I
newly discovered is my partner's family that I actually really
get along with and like I consider now friends, Like
there'll be a moment we are again. But this and
Breff is like ever thought of, like if we break up,

(11:46):
what happens. I think I always try to remain friends
with the siblings. I don't know if that's allowed or not,
because it turns out we have a lot in common,
not just poking fun at my partner, but in a
lot and common to the point that we buy same
thing because we're on the same wavelength of so many things.
But like I kind of love that, Like I get
to build even more friendships. Again, he's friends with a

(12:09):
lot of my friends and keeps in contact with them
and knows about them, probably has their number as well
as like can tell happy birthday, are included in the
celebrations in those moments, so like those were amazing, like
some of if you're I think with the later friendships,
we all see like we kind of get into a
bigger group. So I have a lot of friends. I

(12:30):
had friends who are married, like as a group of friends,
Like they were my friends. The two of them are
my friends. I had two friends again, I had friends
that married within the friend group, which was like, oh no,
but okay, And after some like rearranging of priorities, we
became good friends. Like there's this level of like older
generations that as we wait to get like in relationships,

(12:52):
we mature and I think for the most part, and
because this is not something that I've read yet, but
my assumption is we're a little more mature and are
able to make better decisions and usually thoughtful decisions at
an older age because we've gone through a lot of things,
whether it's we've been able to live on our own
so know how to take care of ourselves. We probably

(13:13):
have a lot of our own stuff that we come
together we have to like shift through because we have
too many of those adult things and like we don't
need fifteen pots, we only need five calm down, you know,
like type of conversations. But learning to work through that
because we've already established ourselves socially in whatever realm, and
so we come in with more friendships. Again, there could

(13:36):
be dynamics where you don't like each other the new
significant other, but if everything goes as planned, hopefully with
the better decisions, because I would think you would want
to be a partners with someone who, like your friends,
are on the same wavelength. That could be a question marks.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
What the Spice Girls taught me.

Speaker 2 (13:59):
And they are not wrong. It still stands strong. But
with that I think that's yeah, I think the waiting
to like with all those decisions, it's very conscious decisions.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
Yeah, I think so too. And as we talked about
in part one, there is an intentionality in adult friendships
that is not there necessarily in childhood friendships. So the
older you get as marriage is kind of delayed, I
feel like you get that foundation of maybe your new

(14:35):
adult friends before you get married, and then probably there's
a meshing of meeting people and other friend groups of
your spouse's friend group or whatever before that, So there
is I do think that probably has changed how adult

(14:56):
friendship looks.

Speaker 2 (14:57):
I mean, like I have seen many a videos where
people will say, go look at the partner's friend group
and it'll tell you a lot about them. And I
think that is like those are warning signs or those
are good signs. And I think that in itself can
be a whole thing of like, oh, yeah, that's why
we are together or we aren't together. That intention Again,
some people don't care. Some people will care about the

(15:18):
red flags. I think more and more people do.

Speaker 1 (15:22):
Yeah, And one thing I found interesting according to psychology today,
a lot of times the spouse are partner of a
friend will be a passive friend and not an active friend,
meaning that you find them pleasant enough, but don't go
out of your way to make time for them. I
feel that I've seen this a lot most of my friends.

(15:42):
I'm at least I'm on good terms with their partner, right,
But that makes sense to me. And the article I
was reading the Psychology today, she was like, I just
have to This is the person I want to give
my time to. If he is there, that's great, but
I'm not going to seek him out separately. But she

(16:03):
is the person.

Speaker 2 (16:04):
Yeah, there's no reason for me to talk to you.

Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, it's a timing issue. Like you know, as we said,
this is the person you want to make time for
you like this other person, You're not mad that they're there,
but you're not mine, right. Yes, And there isn't too
much research on this that I could find, but anecdotal

(16:28):
stories online from newly divorced women report a loss of
friendships after a divorce. The speculated reasons range from fear
of grief as in, your friends don't want to deal
with your grief, choosing one partner over the other, feeling
threatened by a newly single woman, which I found interesting,

(16:48):
and stigma divorced stigma. On the other hand, I've spoken
personally to several divorced women who bonded with other divorced women,
So that's another instance where you might bond to someone.

Speaker 2 (17:03):
Yeah, I've seen so many stories. I've seen many of
stories where people who have been cheated on by the
same person becoming good friends.

Speaker 1 (17:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
Those are my favorites, to be honest, because they're like,
this is that girl's girl level of like, oh no,
you me, Let's all just show up together and now
we're going to get drinks like that level of like,
those are my one of my favorites. Not that they
got cheated and I hate that for them, but they
got at least a friendship out of it.

Speaker 1 (17:28):
Yeah, and that's something we, uh, we've talked about before.
I would much rather that happen than kind of the
tearing down of the quote other woman, when usually it
was the dude who.

Speaker 2 (17:39):
Look trying that person being like, why are you giving
so much grief to the woman? Is the dude is
the common factor here, He's the enemy or the person
that's cheating rather sorry sorry, because women can cheat.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
You indeed.

Speaker 2 (18:01):
Does having children who change friendships, and I think you
already know I think most people already know. Yeah, Unfortunately
it can. It can change, and friendships are lost, and
it's nobody's fault. Again, it's everything about time and priorities
and a child being someone's priority is not a bad thing.

(18:24):
Actually it should be. It makes perfect sense as to
be that if you didn't have that child as a priority,
I would be concerned and ask why you have a child.
But yes, it does, absolutely it can change a friendship.
So there was an article in Essence where they talk
to a coach and I think she has our own

(18:46):
podcast to a friendship coach. Her name is Danielle Bayard Jackson,
and she talks about what changes, and she says, there
is research that shows a woman's physical makeup changes when
she has a baby, even your brain changes. I'm different.
So that's going to change the way that I interact
with people, the time I have available and my priorities.
It doesn't diminish the friendships that I had, but they

(19:08):
are going to change. We have to stop seeing change
as a side that it wasn't real or that they
were fake. So I think that's such a big conversations,
like things change, your priority changes, and it should it
absolutely should when it comes to being responsible for another
human that you have brought into this world, whether it's adopted,
whether it's you know, through your body, whatever whatnot. Yes,

(19:30):
you have new priorities and it's going to be that
child and not necessarily maintaining a friendship. Again, when we
talk about the things where we might not see each
other for days and days and days, months and months
and years, but we can come back together and still
enjoy it. Yes, but let's say having that child being
a part of that social interaction, it's going to change

(19:54):
the way you are interacting at that moment. Whether it's
you're going to try to be conscientious of what you're
going to say in front of a child, you're also
watching that the child is safe and okay and happy,
and maybe you're doting, and the friend's attention is going
to be on the baby as well. Like things do
change no matter what. I don't think it's unfortunate, but
it just happens. It will change. Especially again, I didn't

(20:19):
look at the gender reference, but you know it's true
for more for women, whether it's because of patriarchy expecting
women to only care for the baby and take the
baby with them everywhere, or child with them everywhere as
opposed to having the father take care of it. Oftentimes
we also talk about the father just babysitting instead of
actually caregiving. Yeah, and that's still a conversation that's up

(20:41):
for debate, which is really really annoying. And then there
was this article from the pnmag dot com about parenthood.
They said motherhood is an all encompassing mind and body
consuming experience. It changes you, and that is what it's
supposed to do. You navigate pregnancy, then you have to
figure out how to care for a tiny human. You're
inundated with information from doctors, families, friends, websites, and books,

(21:03):
but few people talk about how some of your close
relationships may be impacted once you become a mom, and
they go onto talking about that deeper level of understanding
that this a caa' this is your priority, This is
what you live in and breathe, especially the most formative years.
There are things that you have to care for and

(21:25):
you should. That is parenthood actually caring and loving the child.
Of course, there are things of like also socializing children
and adapting a child into normal behavior instead of adapting
environment to the child like that's also up for debate.
Attachment issues are a thing, and having a good social

(21:47):
circle is important as well. That's my social work side.
We're not going to go into there, but just you know,
put that out there as well. And that article actually
goes on to talk about the child free and mothers.
So this is what it says. Doctor Holmes, who is
one of the people they are interviewed for this article,
further explains, I think there's a vast gap, if not divide,

(22:09):
when it comes to women with children and child free women.
I was child free until I had my daughter as
thirty six years old, and I was left out of
many conversations about having children because that is what women
often find ease and bonding over. I would not say
that I felt left out. Rather I felt like I
existed in a different world. It wasn't until I had
my daughter that I realized the depth and breadth of motherhood,

(22:30):
essentially how all encompassing it can be. So even understanding
that when it comes to child free and mothers, when
they come together, the conversation can sometimes lack, especially when
it can feel like one side is understanding in the other.
I've told this story before and it's not funny, but
I made a bad call in saying referencing a stay

(22:55):
at home mom friend when she had made a passive
joke about ten minutes before my comment, and because I
do come off as really intense, but when she was like,
you know, I just stay home with the kids, mostly
because we were talking about the things that they'd done,
and so my translated my head translated into coming back
to that conversation and going, so what do you do
all day? That obviously came off very offensive, and in

(23:18):
my head I was like, no, no, no, that's not what
I mean. Like you said, you're the one who said okay.
Having to backtrack and realizing the way I said that
really was offensive, and I get why because I was like, oh,
I stepped at it. That's not how I meant to say.
I was referencing back to what you said in a
really bad way, in a really bad pause. I apologize,
but in understanding that she absolutely felt like I was

(23:38):
removing her importance and that's not what I'm meant to do.
It was more of like me coming back, so what
are you doing outside of this? Because I know you are,
But the way I said it was real bad, was
real bad, and I acknowledged that. I I acknowledged that
before then because I was like, oh, rightly so, and
I had to come back, and I don't think. I
don't think I recovered well enough because like, I'm not

(24:00):
saying that you don't. I'm trying to reference back what
you were hale. That conversation obviously has haunted me because
it's been over ten years, I believe. But all of
that to say is like, that's that level of like
her automatically thinking that I'm putting a wall up and
then me being like, oh, yeah, she's never gonna understand

(24:21):
how I'm trying to frame this because it's coming from
me who is not in that same world. So there's
this conversation of like what happened to that function of
friendship and our friendship, Like she and I went opposite
directions because she also made a statement to me it
was like, you don't understand what it's like to have
children when we were talking about a very heavy issue

(24:43):
about abortion, in which my response was like, yeah, you
don't understand what it's like to watch children who don't
have good parents and then they end up being murdered,
which is what kind of that conversation was, and it
really was a big divide because her made mine was
made up in that because I had not birth children,

(25:03):
I could not understand the depth of why she sees
this abhorrent thing. And for me as a child free
person who also sees the depth of like hell that
people put kids through, and then also the expectations of
women who don't have children like that level, like your

(25:24):
value is gone now because you choose not to have
kids like that level. So that there was just like
divide that really did break a friendship. I don't like
we haven't came back. I don't know if she'll ever
listen to if she's listening to the episode. Sorry, but
all this to say is like that it definitely was
a bigger issue that kind of came from my decision

(25:46):
not to have children, her decision to have children, And
both of those things are very valiant, Like I think
both of those choices are completely relevant to all the
things and the free will and having that choice is
beautiful and I love children. I don't want my own.
I've taken twenty years of my life to take care
of children other people's children because I want that value.

(26:08):
But I you know, see, like Okay, this is not
for me, This is not what I wanted, This is
not what I want. But all of that to say
is like when motherhood comes up or when parenthood comes up, rather,
it does make a difference. Things state it and as
it should, as I should not be a priority to
my friend who just had a child. Why would I?

(26:28):
Does that hurt my feelings? No? But also like it
leads to what I said earlier, like they have the
court in their ball because I have the free, yeer
schedule than you, because you have all of these obligations
that I don't have. So my mind as a child
free person on my ay, do you and then if
you want to hang, I'm down, let's go. But again,

(26:52):
if I don't like your child, which I haven't met children,
I haven't met many of Like most of my friends
who have kids, I usually really like them. So I
really haven't met any that. I'm like that with trying
to think, but there's just like I didn't like some
of my family members children. I'm like, yeah, I'm not
coming around to you.

Speaker 1 (27:09):
See you, I have a friend's dog. Just like that.
I don't want to correct this. We're not going to
go back, but you definitely said, Court and your ball.
Oh did I believe it? I love it. I think

(27:32):
it's fantastic.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
But yeah, so there's still much ship that like. It
is a conversation about how that does change friendships and
even people, even other mothers, whether like being able to
be friends with other mothers who that can get messy.
I just know my mom felt a certain type of

(27:55):
way about my friend's mom and they were not cool
until we came friends, and that still didn't like it
took a long time. Oh, and there were some judgments
about like how this person's raised this children's So I
was like, well, okay, so that also comes into play
as well.

Speaker 1 (28:14):
That's true. My mom had a beef with my best
friend's mom when I was growing up. But you know,
I also was researching this and I ran across a
lot of articles written by women who were newly mothers,
and they were talking about like where did all my
friends go? And they have this quote that actually led

(28:38):
me to texting a friend of mine who just had
a kid that was like, please don't stop texting me, please,
even if I never say yes, please, please please. So
I texted this friend and they responded and were like yep,
let's hang out this week when so it does change things.

(29:00):
But I think a part of that article is also like,
if what's holding you back is that you think I want,
like I've entered a new stage in life and want
nothing to do with you. Please don't let that hold
you back, right if it's something, But I mean that
could be the case, because it's exhausting to have a
child and care for a child. But if that's if

(29:22):
you're putting it in your head, don't put that on
on them. Is basically what I took from a lot
of the articles I read. And I had a lovely
lunch and it was great.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
That's beautiful. But yeah, and that's kind of that thing too,
Like first time parents, there's a lot of conversation, but
I had a lot of friends, especially the younger you
are to this age does come into play, it seems,
and the support system you have, it might like if
you have a great support system, it might not be
so hard to go out with your child, you know

(29:53):
what I'm saying. And having that support system, you really
do need it, and that's wonderful. As you have more children,
it gets a little more difficult obviously, and you never
know because the no fault to the parent, no fault
to the child. They just may have a rougher time,
whether they have some kind of health situation they have,
like a feeding situation like that. So many things, and

(30:15):
it's harder to go out because it causes more anxiety.
Like if I was a parent with a newborn and
they were fussy, you would never see me out because
my anxiety could not Oh yeah, the focus I could not.

Speaker 1 (30:31):
I would be the parent that thinks final destination is
gonna happen to my baby. I don't know how, but
I wasn't thinking of that. But okay, yeah, letting get
out something terrible will happens I put in place.

Speaker 2 (30:49):
Let mean that do.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
Well? Yah mannie. Yeah, well it was funny too. My
friend I was talking to was like, what how did
they phrase it? As they're lucky that they can afford
daycare and their child is just started daycare and he

(31:12):
was like, I had a friend who told me it
was better than any drug you could ever get, and
I laughed, and now I know it is. It's better.
You're buying time, that is what you're buying.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
Okay, I mean, would I say, like having that support system,
whether it's having in law's grandparents who are able to
support you hopefully you're not abusing that system. And being
able to afford daycare, being afforded nanny, like all of
those things. It is important and it really should be
an automatic. It should be required for parenthood if you

(31:48):
want true parenthood, like if you want good parenting now,
not like I'm not saying it should be where no
one they don't have to parent anymore, right, but getting access. Yeah,
like getting respite. Respite is so important for every aspect,
and that could be just being able to sleep for

(32:09):
four hours, yeah, safely and comfortably.

Speaker 1 (32:14):
Well, my friend said, you won't see me again until December,
so I oh contact.

Speaker 2 (32:21):
I love that. I only see in people who don't
have kids but just have other like priorities and other responsibilities.
I see them three times a year.

Speaker 1 (32:28):
It is beautiful. Yeah. I was so happy it worked out.
But that is this episode really made me reach out
to people.

Speaker 2 (32:38):
I love that, Yeah, made me think about people I
didn't reach out, like, I'm still.

Speaker 1 (32:43):
Wait to hearty for that. Oh okay, well we already
kind of briefly touched on this in the last episode.
I'm going to go over it because we're kind of
talking about how friendships have changed in these days and
how women being more empowered. Has that been better or

(33:04):
worse for friendships? I feel like I would say better,
but it has mental loss of friendships in some instances,
in other instances make you make your closer friends. So politics, yes,
politics from American Survey Center. Ending friendships over political disagreements

(33:28):
occurs more among liberal and Democratic leaning Americans. Democrats are
twice as likely as Republicans are to report having ended
to friendship over political disagreement twenty percent versus ten percent.
Political liberals are also far more likely than conservatives are
to say they are no longer friends with someone due
to political differences twenty eight percent versus ten percent, respectively.

(33:48):
No group is more likely to end a friendship over
politics than liberal women are. Thirty percent say they stop
being friends with someone because of their politics. In all,
twenty two percent of a Americans who have ended a
friendship sided Trump has their reason. So I think, sort of,
as we said, as you get older, you kind of

(34:10):
you cut some people out and you choose the ones
that you really want to be intentional with, and so
it can feel like you're losing friends and that is painful.
But on the other hand, you're probably going to make
friends who are more in line with what you're thinking.
Are you gonna are you going to make stronger friendships
with people that you already have?

Speaker 2 (34:30):
Right, And I think it needs to be noted, like
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't probably jump into it that
but like when they delete it as just liberals, it
sounds like liberals are upset for myself as a person
of college, this is my livelihood. You are choosing when
we say that Trump is a reason is because his
policies are putting my life at risk. And you're okay

(34:50):
with it because it benefits you, and you're not since
it benefits you if you're of the Conservative party outside
of like it, outside of like it doesn't bother me.
I don't understand why you're so bothered. Literally like no,
but for me, I am waiting holding my breath to
see if that naturalization thing that they are already talking

(35:11):
about that Marco Robio has already like said that he's
going to do with fake reasons to take away visas
and citizenship and being like, yeah, so what you voted
for was literally me being left like everything is being
taken away from me, my rights as a woman, my
rights as a naturalized citizen, all of these things that

(35:33):
I never had a choice to begin with. Like it,
m it's a little different than just being liberal, Like
I understand what they're saying, being straightforward, but at the
same time, like, the reason is is not just because
you voted for somebody because I did not feel this
way about other candidates. Did I disagree with them, did
I not like them? Absolutely, but to this level that
I'm like, no, it is that serious?

Speaker 1 (35:58):
Yeah, oh absolutely, Like it's that's and this, in my opinion,
this makes absolute sense because how can you square that
with the fact that, Okay, you actively voted for something
that is going to harm me physically, like people I
care about. Yeah, and it is frightening. So yeah, it

(36:23):
is definitely. That's why. It's not because.

Speaker 2 (36:26):
We're good, I'm met at you. No, No, it's also
the reason why have the people on dating sites are
lying about voting for Trump.

Speaker 1 (36:38):
That's true. What we've been meaning, we've been meaning to
talk about. We have been meaning to talk about that. Yeah, well,
a future episode, a future episode. One thing I pivoting.
One thing I find interesting is how the idea of
work friends has changed. Back when we were in office, Samantha,

(37:01):
we went to an office. You didn't have a dass,
but you still went. Sometimes.

Speaker 2 (37:07):
I dressed up way more than everybody else.

Speaker 1 (37:09):
You certainly did. I spent a lot of time with
my coworkers, and I count a lot of them as
true close friends. Some of them faded during the pandemic,
especially or if they got a different job, but a
lot of them are still in place. They're still my friends.
I've gone to their weddings, I've gone to the birthdays.

(37:29):
I've gone to their events, and they have gone to mine.
And it makes sense because you're spending a lot of
time together, you're sharing a similar work experience and generally values.
In this case, not always, but in our case, it's
where I met friends, and historically this is where most
people in recent generations have made friends. However, I've read

(37:50):
that gen Z has a different attitude, wanting to keep
their work life and personal life separate. That being said,
some reportings suggests that gen Z are looking to make
friends and are tired of everything being virtual, so they
are returning to the office and they are attending more
professional development events. Of note, they also came of age

(38:14):
without the social interaction and friendships of school that a
lot of us had, So that comes up in a
lot of the articles. I would love if somebody, if
people from gen Z would write in, because I got
a lot of conflicting information about this.

Speaker 2 (38:28):
That's interesting. I've seen that as a demographic. I've seen
also like specific communities are like, no, I don't make
friends at work because I have my friends out here.
I don't need work. I want that to be separate
and like to the point that if like people would
get offended, but you had to be like, oh, okay,

(38:49):
this makes more sense. And then also like the types
of interests that people have, and that's outside of work,
that's enough because if their interests are like a lot,
like they are something that's a common thing every week,
book club, all those things, then they don't need that
level of friendship at work. Also, sometimes when you work

(39:10):
make work friends, all you talk about is work, and
you don't want that either.

Speaker 1 (39:14):
Yeah. I think that kind of goes back to what
we were talking about in part one though, when you
were breaking down the type of friendships. Yes, like a
lot of work friendships can be just the acquaintances I
like seeing you at work, but I've had several that
have become more than that have a slickview exactly. Well,
and that's the thing is like where our offices sort

(39:36):
of different than I would imagine a lot of offices are. Yes,
since it does involve a lot of collaboration and usually
people who have similar values, who are really curious and
interested in things.

Speaker 2 (39:49):
Oh, we have creative outlets as so that opens up
for a lot more like personal touches. Yeah, in personal
opinions as opposed to like my job working for government.

Speaker 1 (40:01):
Yeah, so I don't I can't really put what our
experience has been on others. So I would love to
hear from other people. But in our case, it was
we had a good we had a good office before
the pandemic. We really did. We still do, but we
just no one goes in the office right.

Speaker 2 (40:21):
Well, also we are now messed with the radio side. Yeah,
and no hate to the radio side, but it's just different.

Speaker 1 (40:28):
It's yeah, it is. It is. Okay, So we're not
going to go too in depth into this, but yeah,
we have discussed making friends through a pandemic. This is
something gen Z did experience differently than a lot a
lot of us did. Several studies suggest that the COVID

(40:49):
nineteen pandemic led to a decline in American friendships. Young
women reported higher rates of friendship loss, so this could
be because they had in general more friends to lose.
And I have to say, I wouldn't say I lost friends,
but I definitely lost touch with a lot of friends.
And we'll hear from each other every now and then,

(41:10):
but the pandemic really did cut down on a lot
of that interaction.

Speaker 2 (41:29):
We did already kind of cover this with our Monday
mini which kind of spurred into this bigger conversation, but
is there a loneliness epidemic? So again, because I was
very confused by all the people talking about the male
lowliness epidemic, and I was like, is there a male
loneliness epidemic? What's happening? Is this because the COVID was happening,
And like I said, we talked about it and it's

(41:51):
not just men. Yes, there is a male lowliness epidemic,
but it's actually a loneliness epidemic in general. The numbers
weren't more. It's kind of interesting in that level of like,
actually women are just as lonely, if not more. If
we talk about marginalized people, they're even more lonely. If
we talk about the trans community right now, they feel

(42:12):
really lonely. Like there's so many things that we could say,
but for some reason, there's this honing end of the
male lonliness epidemic. And in that conversation, it's like, Okay,
so what's happening, what are we doing? What is going on?
Why are we worried about this? And the reason they're
focusing on the epidemic, as in focusing on males, is

(42:33):
mainly because of the violence that we're seeing out of that,
and that's why it's called an epidemic, Like this is
not just about everybody's lonely, No, this is about what's
happening because of them being lonely. So an article that
I read from twenty twenty four, by the way, so
I want to preface this. This is a year old,
so nothing is in reference to today, although we can

(42:54):
come back and talk about it because I just discovered
Groyper's the hell is that in transbax, which are things
that I'm like, why am I learning about this? Ih?
The internet is dark? But again, this is part of
the problem. So what essentially is being said is during
the lockdown, we all saw real big loneliness epidemic and

(43:18):
things came bursting out, and the solution became the Internet
and being critically online all the time. And we've already
talked about in cells and how pervasive they have become,
what the Reddit community has become, what four Chan community
has become. And I'm saying this as these are extremists,

(43:40):
but this is a result and why it's an epidemic.
And then the new stuff, which I just kind of
mentioned that I'm like, it's apparently not new, but it's
just getting more famous. And I know we've talked about
it with a red pill, we got to talk about
it with a black pill. Like there's so many things
that we need to come down to we've talked about
with Bridget and we have to keep talking about this
because this is why is kind of scary, and this

(44:01):
is what we're having in conversation that again earlier conversation
about the inner group concept and why that's important and
why we need that because we see that men do
not want to talk to other men about emotional things
or anything that's of depth, but they're willing to talk
about with women, but also this layer of masculinity, hyper masculinity.

(44:23):
You can't be friends with a woman. But all of
that to say is that they are finding their solution
online and this is the problem. So in this independent
article that they wrote in twenty twenty four, they write, this,
a vicious cycle emerges. Boys and young men are encouraged
by society to perform an unhealthy masculinity that sees them
withdrawal emotionally from friends and family. They feel lonely and

(44:44):
go looking for connection and support online. They get purposely
shunted towards content that reinforces those damaging gender stereotypes and
further isolates them from their peers. Told that women are
their inferiors and men their competition. So what we have
is they're lonely. So their solution is to go into
content that tells them they are lonely and that's okay.

(45:07):
Their loneliness is going to feel their masculinity because everything
else in society is bad and it's working against you.
So they feed into this. And of course we had
a giant picture of Andrew Tait as one of the
biggest examples, who has gone through several charges of sexual
violence and rape and harassment, and men who have been
his fans continue to be his fans, which is again

(45:27):
part of this problem. And this leads into is this
killing women? Yes, yes, it is honestly is killing a
lot of people, including Charlie Kirk. This killed him. The
level of this problem is bigger with the added disasters
of COVID again insel and red pill, and I say
added it is kind of the result of So that's

(45:51):
that big problem and there's a bigger picture that can
be seen through this epidemic. So why is called an epidemic?
This is where we are. So in that same article
they kind of talk about it a little deeper and
says many on the right have sought to associate manhood
with politics. If you're a man in this country and
you don't vote for Donald Trump, you are not a man.

(46:12):
Charlie Kirk, a conservative activist, recently proclaimed the real world
consequences of this were arguably evident this week as Donald
Trump shocked the world to win the US presidential election.
Some fifty four percent of men cast their ballot for
the Republican but perhaps one of the starkest demographics differences
was between young men and women. Just under half. Forty
nine percent of the former age eighteen to twenty nine

(46:33):
voted for Trump, compared to thirty seven percent of the latter.
So this is a twenty threety four article that was
a quote from Charlie Kirk, and this concept was part
of the reason for his death. And we see this
is also the reason for many women's death and that
has heightened in itself as well. When we talk about femicide,

(46:56):
when we talk about grape culture, so much fear that
comes against women is this loneliness epidemic because men are
told you can't have friendships and whether it's men or women,
and that's such a dangerous, dangerous place to be obviously,
and this is where we're having this conversation of why

(47:17):
are we calling is an epidemic? And then we make
it a joke, and as a feminist who is sarcastic
and tired of this world, I've also made this as
a joke of like, what is happening though that he's
not lonely enough type of thing. But the real problem
is that we're teaching young boys to not trust anyone.
So therefore the internalized anger and guilt just comes out

(47:40):
in violence because that is told that it's the only
solution for true men is to be violent or volatile,
which is unfortunate because y'all, there's a lot to have
a good good night of wine or whatever dreams you want,
and conversations about things that you hate or love or
things you cry about or don't cry about. It's so fun.

(48:02):
Y'all are missing out. This is a part of being human.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
Yeah, yeah, I noticed this growing up where I felt
like I had a really good group of friends and
my brothers didn't. Like my brothers had almost bullies, yes,
as friends.

Speaker 2 (48:25):
Or they were the bullies, Like the entire time they
were doing jokes, are like prays on each other that
would really violent, like humiliating. I'm like, why is this
y'all's friendship? This is really odd.

Speaker 1 (48:40):
Yeah, I saw that too, And they would tell me
about it, and I'm like, that's not your friends, that's.

Speaker 2 (48:47):
And they would tell me like, you don't get it,
you're so sensitive, You're just a girl.

Speaker 1 (48:51):
I'm like, I'm I'm a girl with friendships that don't
do that.

Speaker 2 (48:57):
But I trust. But that's the thing. This is that
conversation that we need to have more of again about
that childhood level of understanding. That is okay, this is
what happens when we have this gender difference in gendered
makeup in childhood and we say boys need to be
with boys, boys will be boys, girls need to be

(49:17):
with girls, and this is your stereotype, and this is
your stereotype. Make sure you stay in this, and then
we have a lot of frustration.

Speaker 1 (49:25):
Yep, I'll say it before I've said it before, I'll
say it again, adolescence that the whole show is about this.

Speaker 2 (49:35):
Hey, they got a lot of awards, So.

Speaker 1 (49:37):
The whole show is about how he doesn't have He
has friends, but they're not really good friends. He doesn't
have any friends who are girls, and he's online all
the time.

Speaker 2 (49:50):
I mean, this is that would be exactly. I guess
it just feels too dark, but I probably should watch it.

Speaker 1 (49:57):
It's very dark, but it has a fun thing. I
shouldn't phrase it that way because it's so much talent.
It's amazing. Everything is in one shot. Every episode's in
one shot, so it's very visually interesting.

Speaker 2 (50:10):
It's very like, all right, I'll work myself up to it.

Speaker 1 (50:14):
It's okay if you don't, but I'll tell you all
about it.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
With all of that, with that happening, and then that's BLib.
We should talk about how technology has influenced friendships.

Speaker 1 (50:25):
Yes, and this is also another one. I think we
should come back and go more into depth because I
didn't get to go into There are now a lot
of dating dating apps for friends, putting.

Speaker 2 (50:39):
Clotes, y'all, she's putting clothes. You're saying it, but you
don't see They don't see it yet.

Speaker 1 (50:45):
I've heard there's a quote voice and I'm trying to
do it, but I think so. But anyway, Yeah, there
are apps for making friends and even best friends, like
the bumble b f f app. It was really fun
reading accounts from people who have used these apps who
were like, well, that one didn't work out. I could

(51:06):
tell we weren't compatible, but it was for a friendship.
So that's something we're going to have to come back
and talk to because I actually got consumed by this
other aspect that has impacted my friendships, I have to say. So.
The pandemic really highlighted just how important tech can be
for maintaining friendships. I am assuming most of you downloaded

(51:30):
so many different apps and browser extensions during the pandemic.
To keep in touch with people. But one thing I've
noticed in my friendships that can cause some tension is
texting and texting habits. Does someone never text back oh no?
Or did they never text at all? If you're trying

(51:52):
to make plans and they never respond, what do you do?
Oh no? I have a friend that says no response
to the response, the response being no. But if that's
the case, then we need to establish a timeline.

Speaker 2 (52:06):
Okay, my response is me, I'm thinking on.

Speaker 1 (52:09):
It, which is fair. I do that too. But if
you're if the no, if the non response is no,
when can I accept it as a no? Because sometimes
I've done that and then later they'll they'll text me
and be like I want to go, and I'm like,
well it's sold out and I've already given the ticket
to someone else, and then they get mad at me.

Speaker 2 (52:29):
Okay, well on them, like that's a fine line. Like
if you don't respond and it's closing the time and
you never say let me think about it, or any
of those situations, then that's on me, Like I because
I am that one. I am that person who does
not respond. If I one, if I don't immediately respond,
you're probably not going to get a response for a

(52:50):
while because I forgot, or I'm assuming it doesn't have
anything to do with me, even though I'm in this
group text. I really hate group text, y'all. Or I'm
thinking about it and I will let you know, but
before the time.

Speaker 1 (53:05):
So we should establish a time. Listeners write in what
what is the acceptable time before? I mean, I guess
I could. I could text and be like, if you
haven't responded.

Speaker 2 (53:15):
To me, I do. Yeah, if I've missed having to me,
I will ask you before I do it.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Because sometimes it's tickets are on the line and they're
going to sell it out, so I need to know.
I need to know. And yes, I have stopped inviting
people to stuff. If I never hear from you, I
do stop. Uh, And then I have found out they're
mad about it, typically through someone else. So I through

(53:43):
this research. I found an article again. I think it
was about the childhood, like a motherhood having a kid.
If you've just texted me and said no, but please
don't stop inviting me, I would appreciate that.

Speaker 2 (53:55):
Actually I usually will. I'll be like, hey, I'm sorry,
I know I've an out interverted, don't come out, but
don't stop inviting me.

Speaker 1 (54:04):
I would be happy, I'd be thrilled. But if you
never respond, then at a certain point I'm just like, Okay,
I'm picking up what you're putting down and it's nothing.

Speaker 2 (54:18):
Disappeared.

Speaker 1 (54:19):
Yeah. And in recent years there has been a lot
written about this and even studies done. The general consensus
is that a friendship that almost entirely relies on texting
is still a friendship as long as the exchange is
valued by all parties, especially when done frequently and when
you're sharing like mundane life stuff. Many people have also

(54:42):
reported enjoying it because it's easier. It can help ease
social anxiety for some. Some people have texting anxiety, and
there's more time to formulate your response, which I do appreciate.
It can help maintain otherwise unlikely friendships. I know some
people who still text people they have seen in person
for years. Texting has even been cited as potentially easing

(55:05):
the male friendship crisis and has been scientifically studied for
its positive benefits, which there are positive benefits. Recent research
has shown that even a brief check in with a
friend you haven't contacted it in a while has measurable
benefits especially if it's unexpected. So while a lot of
us me hesitate to text it first, science backs up

(55:27):
the plus size. And this is where I texted two
people I haven't texted for a while, and I've seen
both of them this week.

Speaker 2 (55:34):
Wow, I'm loving that this episode has spurred your friendship times,
face to face times.

Speaker 1 (55:43):
I love it.

Speaker 2 (55:43):
I will say like that for me, that whole level
of anxiety when you have really smart, witty friends and
then you're all on a text threat and you're not
as funny as them or not as quick as them.
I stop and I Caroline is a part of this
group and they are so quick witted boom. We used
to do it on email. They used to do an
email chain where they would send complaints and gifts. Took

(56:06):
me forever to figure out how to do gifts, as
in fact, I don't think I still I still don't
think I know how to do it on email. And
so it would just come up as like you know,
an attachment, yeah, or it would blow up and do
the whole email. So I was like, I was fearful.
After that, I'm like, I cannot send, I cannot get
on par I'm not as funny as them online. I'm
funny in face to face online not as witty, so

(56:28):
like for me, that is my anxiety because they're so
funny and so quick and so like Quippi that I'm like,
that's funny, and then I move on and it's been
And also because other people's phones are iPhones and minds
and Android, they were not combatible for the longest time,
so sometimes they would not even get my messages, or

(56:49):
if I was sending us something, they couldn't read it.
It would just be an X and the same vice versa.
So it was just frustrating at that point.

Speaker 1 (56:56):
Yeah, that says also caused a rift in some not
a riff, that's that's a serious term. But it's caused
a misunderstanding of friendship.

Speaker 2 (57:06):
Group communications for sure.

Speaker 1 (57:07):
Where they're like you never But it turns out it
was because we had an Apple group and an Android
group and they weren't getting older's messages.

Speaker 2 (57:17):
I'm telling you what. That market they want you to
not be friends anymore, and they like, we don't like Android,
and Android's like, who who's appened?

Speaker 1 (57:29):
That is a thing, and it's it's I've gotten caught
up in it before, where I'm like, is this friend
mad at me, she hates me. Everything is ruined, and
I try to look into That's one of the first
things I check. Is there a problem with the compatibility
of right now the text messages between Apple and Android.
Sometimes it is, sometimes it has been. So all of

(58:02):
those positive things being said, there are some things to
watch out for. One is generally try to be present
with the people you're with. So if you're hanging out
with someone in person and it isn't one of those
we're gonna chill and do our own thing hangs, then
hang out with them and try not to text someone
else so much. This is a huge pet peeve of mine.

(58:24):
I hate it. It makes me wonder why I'm there
at all, Like I could be doing something else instead
I'm at a dinner table and you're texting someone else.

Speaker 2 (58:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (58:36):
No, But if you're just hanging out and you've kind
of established like, yeah, I'm just gonna do my own thing,
you do your own thing, that's its own. But if
I have made plans and we've gone to a place
and that's what happens, no, I hate that. I hate it.
Not news to anyone, but some emotional nuances can get
lost in text emojis, gifts or not. This can lead

(59:01):
to some misunderstandings. I have a friend whose messages read
is so terse. I'm always like, is she mad? But
then I saw her texting in action and she does
a lot of it through voice to text in her car,
and I'm like, got it.

Speaker 2 (59:20):
I'm also very abrupt, like I don't need I just
like yes, no, and I don't mean it. But that
was just the I'm not trying to be abrupt. I'm
just like yeah, yeah, okay, fine.

Speaker 1 (59:33):
Oh yeah, I've had to I've had to learn this
with you. I feel confident no, no, I feel confident
in our friendship where I'm like no, I get her
and you respond if I'm like asking you, I want
to do this, You're pretty good at like okay, yes, yeah, I.

Speaker 2 (59:53):
Don't respond with gifts. But eventually it also is partially
someone has to end this. I'm a stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
It's all good.

Speaker 2 (01:00:01):
I've thought that before all, not just not with you
in general. But it goes back to four of the
like you hang up, no, you hang up.

Speaker 1 (01:00:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:00:06):
It feels like with a text there's no nothing, so
i'mike I'm done.

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
Someone does have to end it. I agree, I don't
think you're wrong. It is usually me sorry, yeah, no,
it's okay, it's okay, thank you. I love it too.
Speaking of the male friendship crisis, as beneficial as texting
can be for men, other articles highlighted how men aren't
the best at texting back, not just men. To be clear,

(01:00:33):
most notoriously bad textures in my group are women. But
I also have more women friends that have men friends.
So being worried about being too available or enthusiastic, so
waiting to respond to a group text because you don't
want to be the first one to say yes, even
if you're excited and want to go. I run into
this all the time, or I'm like, I have my answer.
I don't know if I want to be the first

(01:00:54):
one to respond, though.

Speaker 2 (01:00:57):
I'm more of the opposite of like, who's gonna say
no first? I can't be too eager to say no,
you know, But.

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
To be honest again, if you just like were up
front and told me no, I'd be like, okay, it's
the non response that really goods.

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
But the thing about that is, and I'm gonna put
this out here, I know that my moods change, so
I don't want to respond till it's closer to time
to know how I feel, because it might change. I
might be ready to go. I'm so roaring, let's do this.
This is the one time a year I'll stay past
eleven PM. But I don't know about it until that
closer time. I don't want to change my mind.

Speaker 1 (01:01:37):
Oh, I get you. I also I have what I
would say, enthusiastic Annie and depressed Annie. Neither of them
should be answering the text immediately. I need a more
stable one to be like, Okay, I am not I'm
in a good place, and yes I want to go. No,

(01:01:58):
I don't want to go because, yeah, husiastic me, you
might screw me over depress me.

Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Exactly exactly both both of those things. And I feel
like I'm being very defensive in this category and I
did my friends.

Speaker 1 (01:02:09):
I'm sorry, this is all about you, Samantha. I just
wanted to confront you. I come to you. There are
tips online about how to keep friendships healthy if you're
a bad Texter me Samantha or our friends with a
bad Texter. And there are also people like my previously

(01:02:32):
mentioned friend who have a very strong opinion about not
responding being Okay, they don't think it's a problem. There's
also some handwringing about digital friendships in general, but a
lot of it feels really outdated. A lot of the
stuff I was reading about it felt really outdated. I
was like, it's like a chat one. They were basically

(01:02:53):
just like, this isn't real. And I feel like you
can have a good friend that you interact through through
digitally and it's real. It's a good friend. Yeah. Yeah,
but I feel like a lot of it was out
If you want to look up those tips, you can
find them online. I'm not going to go overrom but
they exist all right, and very briefly, to wrap this up,

(01:03:16):
childhood friendships to adult friendships, which I have some experience
with you.

Speaker 2 (01:03:22):
I have one remaining from your held second grade.

Speaker 1 (01:03:27):
Yeah, mine is generally I would say we solidified in
middle school, but we still we hang out every year,
We text each other pretty often. When it comes to
keeping childhood friendships into adulthood, one of the biggest factors
is that thing proximity that we've been talking about. According
to the American Survey Society quote, childhood friendships are ubiquitous

(01:03:51):
among the public. Two thirds of Americans say they have
a friend whom they have known since childhood. Yet, despite
the prevalence of these types of friendships, they have become
less common as Americans age. More than three quarters of
young adults have a childhood friend, compared to sixty percent
of seniors. Childhood friendships are particularly prevalent among Black Americans.

(01:04:12):
Nearly eight and ten Black Americans report having a friend
whom they have known since childhood. These types of friendships
are significantly less common among white and Hispanic Americans. I
was kind of surprised to read. I don't know why.
I thought they were rarer than all that.

Speaker 2 (01:04:29):
I wonder again, like you have the one and I'm
wondering how many are reconnected because I really feel like
Facebook really brought on a new era of connecting. So
when Facebook first came out, that was the whole thing,
was going to see what happened to your school mats
or your college friends, like that was the intent MySpace
even but Facebook was the big one. I feel like

(01:04:49):
my Space was different and I think it came out
did it come after Facebook?

Speaker 1 (01:04:55):
I feel like my Space was first, but I'm sure
I can't remember.

Speaker 2 (01:04:58):
But for some reason, because Facebook really was the Twitter
of that time, you just did status where you didn't
even tell you where you were, I think, but you
had to be a part of college. That was it
was a college associated group. When the kids are like, what,
it's just a misinformation machine now, Well, once upon a
time it was about connecting two different groups within colleges.

(01:05:21):
So uga like grads, you had to be in college.
You had to show what school you were with when
it first happened, and I remember it really connected to
all of my high school, middle school people and going
back to trying to find people reconnecting, which by the way,
is a whole joke by the way in uh thirty
rock about that sites like that are only used to

(01:05:44):
reconnect or hook up with your crushes from high school
type of thing, which was funny, but like it really did.
You kind of went and checked and that opened up
seeing childhood friends which you may have last lost touch with,
especially if you went to different colleges and moved on.
What that looked like. And I wonder how many of
these friendships may be based on reconnecting.

Speaker 1 (01:06:05):
Yeah, that's a good point. Uh. Any listeners write in
if you have that, I've the friend group I'm thinking of.
We mostly stayed in touched. We didn't connect over Facebook
like reconnect, but that makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 2 (01:06:27):
So my friend and I, he and I have been
friends for a long time. We were in the same area,
so we often saw each other and then just kept
being connected because I think we both were like minded
and saw how people were changing and through Facebook as well,
and that kept us connect because like, we're like another
person like me that's different from this group of people,

(01:06:48):
and it was nice to see. And then his partner,
who I like very much, really loved our friendship and
for her to see that, it like encouraged She encouraged
him to keep more connected with me, and he was
like me, like, I love every time they come through
we see each other, but like, yeah, like we weren't
necessarily because I don't even think they he was ever

(01:07:10):
on Facebook. I've been thinking about it, but like we
were outside of that, but there was another person. We
never hung out, but we would reconnected through messages and
be like, oh my god, again, you and I are
like minded. What everybody else is this though it was
it's nice to see, but it's hard to keep it.
But because if we only see each other a couple
of times a year.

Speaker 1 (01:07:29):
If that, yeah, Well, it's also interesting you say that
because my mom, when I was talking about how she
after my dad died, test like found friends or reconnected
with friends. She doesn't have Facebook, but she did reach out.
She somehow found like her high school friends and got

(01:07:51):
back with them. So it wasn't like they had been
talking to each other anything for years that she reached
out and now they hang out a couple times a year,
And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, I would say if
your general values and path on life are compatible, that

(01:08:13):
is one way you're going to keep your childhood friends.
Studies show that childhood trauma and friendship fights during that
time period of childhood can be hard to let go of,
which means that it can be difficult to keep that
childhood friend. But if you can, and if as adults

(01:08:35):
you're still combatible friends as in your support of friends,
these friendships can be incredibly valuable and rewarding. You basically
have an entire friend elect and all of these Yeah,
you have all of these memories, you have all of
these things. That being said, if a relationship is toxic,

(01:08:55):
don't exhaust yourself fighting for it. Just don't do it different.
That's a different episode. Yeah, but I feel like a
lot of us have been told like you need if
you fail this childhood friendship, your failure. If you failed,
it's not if if it's not working, it's not working.

Speaker 2 (01:09:14):
It's changes happen.

Speaker 1 (01:09:16):
Changes happen, and life is short. And I think being
intentional with your friends is great. I think being like
be okay, this is not for me anymore. Uh, and
yeah it with my childhood friend group, we do try
to do too, one or two trips a year where
we catch up with each other and then random things

(01:09:36):
in between. But it is that thing we've been talking
about where we might not see each other that often,
but when we do, it feels like, oh, hasn't been
that long at all. We just connect, So, oh my goodness.
We had a lot to say about friendships.

Speaker 2 (01:09:53):
Yes, and we have a lot more to say, but
we're going to do this on a different episode because
we unexpectedly, kind expectedly ended up saying a lot. Because
there's a lot to be said when it comes to friendship,
and it's why it's so important. We haven't even talked
about that, more like we didn't talk about any of
the benefits, but we have talked about some of the
detriments of not having good friendships, and I think that's

(01:10:15):
part of the reasons that we need to make sure
we are encouraging that in our culture.

Speaker 1 (01:10:23):
Yes, and I would really love to hear from listeners.
During this research, I really was I was motivated to
reach out to people, but I also read about a
lot of interesting things people do to meet new friends
or yeah, just find find new people, and I've I

(01:10:44):
just thought it was so fascinating. So I would love
to hear from listeners about any of that. If you
would like to contact us, you can. You can email
us at Hello at stuff Whenever Told You dot com.
You can find us on blue Sky at mom Stuff podcast,
or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff will Never Told You.
We're also on YouTube. We have new merchandise at Cotton Bureau,

(01:11:05):
and we have a book you can get where we
get your books. Thanks as always to our superduced grosine
or executive producer My and your contributor Joey. Thank you fan, Yes,
and thanks to you for listening. Stuff un Ever Told
You is Prediction by Heart Radio. For more podcast from
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