March 20, 2025 • 22 mins
The road to self-acceptance can have a lot of twists and turns, many of which can impact your relationships, romantic or not.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this Sanny and Samantha, and welcome stuff.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
I never told you protection to buy Heart Radio, and
welcome to another edition of Happy Hour. I have to
admit I'm a little thrown because my days are just
so off and so but anyway, we're recording this on
(00:32):
a day. I'm just confused. But anyway, if you are
drinking or whatever you're choosing to do, please do so responsibly.
These are just times to wind down. Samantha, are you
sitting on anything? Are you doing it responsibly?
Speaker 3 (00:51):
I'm being responsible with some bubbly water because I'm already sleepy.
I can't stop yawning. I just I'm like, I'm not
sure what's happening. Maybe it's at the mid afternoon, you
know moment where everything feels like it's crashing.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Yeah, we are recording later than we normally record, that
is true.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
But yes, I'm keeping responsible with some water. Get myself
hydrated like a hydrated queen.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Nice, thank you, I've got my red wine. Yes, I'm
very excited about it. All right, So this is going
to be a quick update episode. I think on just
me being ace because if you're listening to this chronologically,
(01:39):
you haven't heard the episode yet. But we did a
wonderful interview with Alison Raskin, who has written a lot
of books about mental health and romance and relationships and
has a romantic comedy book coming out and has just
(01:59):
done a lot. She's done a lot in that space,
and I have to say, when I was preparing for
that interview, I got very nervous because I realized I
still get nervous, like if it will come up like
people don't believe I'm asexual, or they don't believe it's
(02:21):
a thing, or if I'll doubt everything I know about myself.
Because I've said I feel really comfortable in that identity
now people who know me have accepted it generally, and
the people who don't I don't really care about. And
that's a whole other thing. But I just want to
(02:42):
say she was in her books. She even had a
whole section that was like, no, I can't speak to
this experience, that's not what this is about, but it
acknowledging it existed, and it was just really relieving. But
because I was so relieved, I was shocked at how
nervous I was that I would get to some point
(03:03):
in the book and I would be like oh no,
which can be a you know, we do vet everybody
who comes on here, but sometimes you can't know completely
for sure. Just again to say she was fabulous and
I should I wish I had put at the top
that she recognized that, or just some kind of acknowledgement
that she recognized that. But it made me stop and think, wow,
(03:27):
I'm still very insecure in some ways about it. And
it was also fascinating that I read her two of
her books before we did the interview, and they are
all about all the facets of romantic relationships. There's some
(03:51):
stuff about you know, platonic relationships or business relationships as well.
But it was both validating and kind of like shocking
how much I was like, Wow, this is not my
experience at all. This is not what I was experiencing
at all.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
And so it made me feel like, Okay, yes you were.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
This old time and she's very clear, and it like
she's very clear. Not everybody experiences romance the same way.
That's kind of the whole thing, but just in the
general vibe, I was like, Nope, that was not what
I was feeling. That's not what I was going for me.
(04:36):
And it, like I said, it did kind of made
me feel it made me feel a little validated because
it's like, Okay, yes, that was not me. It also
made me feel a little guilty because I I think
I assumed in some instances that I understood why people
(04:58):
were reacting the way they were, and I don't think
I did.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I don't think I did at all. And I thought
that I knew that.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
But it was really it was really eye opening to
me to read it and be like, Okay, so in
this past relationship, I was perhaps really misinterpreting this whole thing,
and not just on a relationship level, but on I
(05:29):
don't even understand that level. Almost I was having all
these like I say in the episode, I cried. I
felt I felt both seen and like I should. I
wish I had seen other people in my life because
(05:51):
I didn't. That's just not how I That's just not
how I.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Experienced the world, and I wanted to.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
That was the other thing that made me kind of
sad when I read it is that I wanted to
so badly, and I remember in high school just trying
so hard, and I've kind of made myself very sexual
at one point because I felt so asexual that I
was like, I'm gonna going overboard so no one will
(06:23):
question me. But I just didn't feel it, and I
was trying really hard to and so it was a
strange experience reading it where I just.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Was.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
It was eye opening, but it was also a reminder
of how isolated I felt in some ways, of like
trying to fit in in some ways. And we had
the interview went long, which you will hear, and there
(06:59):
was a question I had that said, if we have time,
I would love to talk about this, and hopefully we
can have Alison back and we can talk about it.
But she had a whole thing in there about just
that really illustrated to me kind of some differences about
breakups and the need to be in a relationship are
(07:19):
the very much wanting to be in a relationship versus me,
And it was just so different, And it was very
because she was saying like she's felt guilt for basically
being shamed her wanting to be in a relationship as
if she's not an independent woman, and I was like,
(07:41):
I've felt the exact opposite shame of I'm not in
one and don't want to be in one, and it's
sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So I would love to have that conversation with her.
But it was just it was really it made me
think about a lot of stuff, and like I said,
I feel very confident in it now, but it was.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I was so nervous.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
That it would come up and be like that's not
a real identity, or there's something wrong with you. You
need to go get something checked out, or and none
of that happened. It was all me. It was all
me doing this to be one hundred percent clear, but
I don't know. It was just it was I still
(08:31):
am going, still learning, still trying to go through this.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
I think it's interesting when it comes to trying to
figure out what the norm is. And again we talk
about tropes and expectations as adults or growing to be
an adult, and our ideals as teenagers too becoming that adults,
and we really have to navigate what that means to us.
Because I did not get into dating and relationships until
I was in my late twenties, and I didn't have
(09:09):
much of relationships until I was in my thirties mid thirties,
and that was all things in part to online dating,
because for me to meet people. Was really hard. I
don't know why, it just was for me. And then
like my current relationship was because we lived near each
other and it just happened that way. We built a
relationship that way. But like I was with you in
(09:32):
that same manner of like, I'm not normal. Why am
I not dating? Why am I not seeing tons of people?
I've never been in a deep, committed along relationship college,
never dated people at all, somewhat religious background as well,
but like it also made me feel stunted, and I
was like, this is all my attachment issues and trauma
and all these things. And then growing older than like
(09:53):
watching everybody who was going through some good relationships put
a lot more bad relationships that I was like, oh
I'm good, and people like so many people going through
divorces and I'm like, eh, I'm even better now, I'm good.
And then having children and having a really messy divorce
and not that children are a problem because I love children.
(10:15):
I should really think they're so sweet and cute, and
I love hanging out with really like cute children. I
raise some for a while, you know, But like at
this point I'm like, yeah, no, that was not this
is not for me. This has never been for me,
and I've gotten old enough that I don't care enough
about other people's opinions of that. But and also the
people in my life have seen the bad versions of that,
(10:40):
if that makes sense, Like they've watched, like, you know,
their children going through divorce or they've gone through horrible
divorces or really messy stuff, and they're like, yeah, no,
don't do it. If you don't want to, if that's
not something absolutely that you want, don't do it. And
it's kind of one of those like, in hindsight, I'm
feel grateful that I didn't have to go do that,
(11:00):
But definitely, during those times, I felt as if I
was so abnormal and so weird and that unlovable. I
thought I was unlovable and that feels like such a
curse in these things, you know, and then growing into
oh no, that was okay, I'm actually okay, not having
(11:21):
experienced all of that until I was older and felt
a little more secure about myself.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yeah, yeah, And I mean that's one of the things
we talk about in this upcoming episode, is that realization
of I'm okay, but I still want x y Z,
or maybe I don't want X y and Z and
this is something that I have long thought, But that
(11:51):
whole idea of finding the relationship it's going to fix you, right,
I just don't think that's a hellal thing. I think
that's I think it's fair to say relationship, a good relationship,
you're going to help each other or whoever is involved.
But I don't think you should be looking for this
(12:13):
will fix me right personally.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Okay, that's kind of what I've come to discover being
in this long term relationship that I've been in. It's enjoyable.
I enjoy his company, and we had to wade through
some really tough conversations. We don't necessarily fight a lot.
We don't do like the dramatic up and downs, which
(12:38):
I'm really grateful for because I am a non confrontational person.
I have discovered this very non confrontational until I blow up,
and then I blow up like it just is one
of those and I'm like, I don't like those moments.
I don't want those moments. And you see all these
relationships where they talk about if there's not passion and fighting,
and I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't think you understand
(13:01):
what that is compared to like how exhausting that can
be and how emotionally draining that can be for most people,
and that a lot of the times finding friendship and comfort,
but also finding the boundaries of like he's not my
whole world. I can live without him. I know that
I can, like I've done it. But at the same time,
(13:22):
he makes it better or the partner makes it better.
That's the difference, you know what I mean. Like, yeah,
and the fact that we don't drive each other crazy.
Every now and again, we have moments with each other.
I know he can complain about me and I can
complain about him. But then in the end it's kind
of like also funny, like if I couldn't laugh at
my own stuff and his stuff, then I think that's
(13:43):
where we have a problem. But again, like we're still
as much as we're together, we're still very separate. Like
we have separate so many separate things that I feel
like works for us. It's kind of like that conversation
about people who sleep in different bedrooms and everybody's like,
oh my god, there is no norm. Like I think
when you start breaking that, you start finding yourself and
(14:05):
finding out that it doesn't like maybe you were meant
to be in a relationship. It's wonderful, but it's not
your typical You might sleep in separate bedrooms and it
works wonderfully because you have your own space that you need.
Like for a lot of people, they need that, and
it's a beautiful thing. For some people they don't need that,
and that's also a beautiful thing. Some people need weddings
(14:25):
or want weddings and marriages and the togetherness what's wonderful,
you know. Like I think one of the things about
that interview we had was like we had very three
different distinct people in this moment. Like she knew she
wanted to be married, and I think that's amazing and
I love that, but like she also had to work
through what that meant for her and her identity and
(14:46):
realizing that shouldn't be her whole identity. Like she loves
it as a part of who she is in her life,
but it's not what makes her. For me, that's not
my part of my identity. But I do enjoy my relationship,
and this is wonderful, and I don't know how, Like
I hope a less forever that would be wonderful, Forever
mine forever as and like until I die. But if
it doesn't, I'll.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Be okay, He'll be okay, you know, like.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
He'll be painful and all those things and any other relationships,
and I feel like there's no regret in our relationship.
Where we're at is wonderful, you know. And for her,
that's like when she talked about, yeah it's spoiler alert,
some rough patches and her previous relationships, you know, And
then that's for you too. It's like a lot of
(15:29):
things that you took you a minute to figure out. Oh,
but I don't need I don't need this, and if
I did, it wouldn't look like this, And that's wonderful
because then that's when you were like, huh, this feels easier.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
You know. The interesting thing too, was nothing is a monolith.
There are plenty of asexual people who have relationships who
are married. So this is very much my personal experience,
I want to say, and I'm not even like.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Writing that out for now.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
It looks unlikely right now, but I'm not even like,
you know, saying it's not a possibility. But I did
have a conversation with somebody who is friends with someone
else who's a sexual, and she was kind of asking
me these questions that it was. It was a little
funny because it was like, I'm not the authority on
(16:33):
what a sexual looks like, but it what she was
telling was so different. Like this this person she was describing,
I'm like, Oh, that is not my experience at all.
So it's that's fascinating too, like the fact that there
are all these ways these things can manifest. And of
(17:00):
course for me, I'm like, if that's how she is,
that's how she is, Like I don't know her. Some
it's just it's hard when you want to find the camaraderie,
but you also don't want to exclude people like I
(17:23):
don't want to make anybody feel like, oh, that's not
what it is sexuality is, because that's wrong. That's wrong,
it's completely wrong. But that also brings me to another
point that I think I'll talk about more in depth later,
but even at like Pride events, I get nervous that
I'll get dismissed or people be like, Oh that's not
(17:45):
that's not what this is, and that's not what it
should be.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
That's not how it should be.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
And I mean, this is why it's a spectrum, like
everything's very much your self related. Your own past, your
own reactions. You're like, you're what you're comfortable with, and
that's the way it should be. And I think the
problem for years has been that it's been argue that
this is the way it's supposed to be and it's
(18:14):
no rigidity, and like even like people who terse like
that's that same level of conversation that that's on there
that they're like, no, I as a lesbian will not
allow yeah, a trans woman to come in here, like
or I as a straight woman, or I as a
woman in general, like this in just like forgetting what
(18:37):
this is and how why these movements were important to
begin with, why feminism was important to begin with. It
wasn't just it is for voting. It is for the
basic human rights, but basic human rights meaning you become
who you truly are.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Yeah, yeah, it's just a yeah, it's something I'm still
still thinking about and working through, and I know a
lot of us are. I don't even think that's necessarily
relegated to when it comes to relationships, at least to
(19:12):
these people. But also I want to be clear, I
I feel like a lot of the things I'm talking
about people before me have experienced forever, So I acknowledge
that it's It was just really interesting to read this
book and be like, Okay, wow, this.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Is not lining up with the hell.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
When it comes to identity and trying to figure like
trying to fit in, it does feel really difficult when
it's like, HM's what is it?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Oh, and then you start you start asking a lot
of questions. But again, come in but the mature part
is realizing, Oh, but that's different experiences and we may
come to a similar connclusion, but we had different paths
and that's what makes this so wonderful in that we
are human.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Yeah, I'm really glad I read it. I'm I'm really happy.
I feel like I understand some things a little bit better.
I won't delay in texting back as much. Oh oh no,
I'm only said my kidding.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
There was just a there was a thing in there
about it. I'm really bad about it. So, oh my god.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
But yeah, I'm I'm glad that I know this other
experience that is not mine better because I thought I
did because you see it all the time in media.
But of course media gets it wrong very often or
has a fun take on it, which is fine, but
if you start to take that as reality.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Right, And that's the problem, especially because when you see
that in like not necessarily books, but like when we
see it in like TV's as such, is also from
a perspective of someone who probably doesn't I've never experienced
it either, and has assumptions.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Yes, exactly, and then we take on those assumptions, and
then they become what we think, this is how this
thing should look like. But yeah, it was. Sometimes it's
a really nice part of this job. Sometimes it's a
painful part of this job. But to know that your
mind can still be I'm still absorbing information and I'm
(21:29):
still like, okay, let me think about this. That okay,
that's a new thing for me, right. So yes, thank
you listeners, Thank you Samantha for Jordan being on this
the word salad about my thoughts after reading this book.
But I had a lot of thoughts about it. And
(21:51):
you will hear the episode with Alison soon unless you
listen to this out of order and you might have
already heard it.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
I don't know. It could be either. It could be either, but.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, in the meantime, if you have any thoughts about this,
if you would like to contact us, you can you
can email us at Hello at Stuffwenever Told You dot com.
You can also find us on Blue Sky at bombs
Up podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff We
Never Told You. We're also on YouTube. We have a
tea public store, and we have a book you can
get wherever you get your books. Thanks as always too,
our super produced Christine are Exective, Christin Maya and our
(22:25):
contributor to Joey. Thank you and thanks to you for
listening Stuff Will Never Told You Books of iHeart Radio.
For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, you can check
out Yeah Art Radio, app, Apple Podcasts, or where you
listen to your favorite shows
Hey, this Sanny and Samantha, and welcome stuff.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
I never told you protection to buy Heart Radio, and
welcome to another edition of Happy Hour. I have to
admit I'm a little thrown because my days are just
so off and so but anyway, we're recording this on
(00:32):
a day. I'm just confused. But anyway, if you are
drinking or whatever you're choosing to do, please do so responsibly.
These are just times to wind down. Samantha, are you
sitting on anything? Are you doing it responsibly?
Speaker 3 (00:51):
I'm being responsible with some bubbly water because I'm already sleepy.
I can't stop yawning. I just I'm like, I'm not
sure what's happening. Maybe it's at the mid afternoon, you
know moment where everything feels like it's crashing.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Yeah, we are recording later than we normally record, that
is true.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
But yes, I'm keeping responsible with some water. Get myself
hydrated like a hydrated queen.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Nice, thank you, I've got my red wine. Yes, I'm
very excited about it. All right, So this is going
to be a quick update episode. I think on just
me being ace because if you're listening to this chronologically,
(01:39):
you haven't heard the episode yet. But we did a
wonderful interview with Alison Raskin, who has written a lot
of books about mental health and romance and relationships and
has a romantic comedy book coming out and has just
(01:59):
done a lot. She's done a lot in that space,
and I have to say, when I was preparing for
that interview, I got very nervous because I realized I
still get nervous, like if it will come up like
people don't believe I'm asexual, or they don't believe it's
(02:21):
a thing, or if I'll doubt everything I know about myself.
Because I've said I feel really comfortable in that identity
now people who know me have accepted it generally, and
the people who don't I don't really care about. And
that's a whole other thing. But I just want to
(02:42):
say she was in her books. She even had a
whole section that was like, no, I can't speak to
this experience, that's not what this is about, but it
acknowledging it existed, and it was just really relieving. But
because I was so relieved, I was shocked at how
nervous I was that I would get to some point
(03:03):
in the book and I would be like oh no,
which can be a you know, we do vet everybody
who comes on here, but sometimes you can't know completely
for sure. Just again to say she was fabulous and
I should I wish I had put at the top
that she recognized that, or just some kind of acknowledgement
that she recognized that. But it made me stop and think, wow,
(03:27):
I'm still very insecure in some ways about it. And
it was also fascinating that I read her two of
her books before we did the interview, and they are
all about all the facets of romantic relationships. There's some
(03:51):
stuff about you know, platonic relationships or business relationships as well.
But it was both validating and kind of like shocking
how much I was like, Wow, this is not my
experience at all. This is not what I was experiencing
at all.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
And so it made me feel like, Okay, yes you were.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
This old time and she's very clear, and it like
she's very clear. Not everybody experiences romance the same way.
That's kind of the whole thing, but just in the
general vibe, I was like, Nope, that was not what
I was feeling. That's not what I was going for me.
(04:36):
And it, like I said, it did kind of made
me feel it made me feel a little validated because
it's like, Okay, yes, that was not me. It also
made me feel a little guilty because I I think
I assumed in some instances that I understood why people
(04:58):
were reacting the way they were, and I don't think
I did.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
I don't think I did at all. And I thought
that I knew that.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
But it was really it was really eye opening to
me to read it and be like, Okay, so in
this past relationship, I was perhaps really misinterpreting this whole thing,
and not just on a relationship level, but on I
(05:29):
don't even understand that level. Almost I was having all
these like I say in the episode, I cried. I
felt I felt both seen and like I should. I
wish I had seen other people in my life because
(05:51):
I didn't. That's just not how I That's just not
how I.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Experienced the world, and I wanted to.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
That was the other thing that made me kind of
sad when I read it is that I wanted to
so badly, and I remember in high school just trying
so hard, and I've kind of made myself very sexual
at one point because I felt so asexual that I
was like, I'm gonna going overboard so no one will
(06:23):
question me. But I just didn't feel it, and I
was trying really hard to and so it was a
strange experience reading it where I just.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Was.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
It was eye opening, but it was also a reminder
of how isolated I felt in some ways, of like
trying to fit in in some ways. And we had
the interview went long, which you will hear, and there
(06:59):
was a question I had that said, if we have time,
I would love to talk about this, and hopefully we
can have Alison back and we can talk about it.
But she had a whole thing in there about just
that really illustrated to me kind of some differences about
breakups and the need to be in a relationship are
(07:19):
the very much wanting to be in a relationship versus me,
And it was just so different, And it was very
because she was saying like she's felt guilt for basically
being shamed her wanting to be in a relationship as
if she's not an independent woman, and I was like,
(07:41):
I've felt the exact opposite shame of I'm not in
one and don't want to be in one, and it's
sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So I would love to have that conversation with her.
But it was just it was really it made me
think about a lot of stuff, and like I said,
I feel very confident in it now, but it was.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I was so nervous.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
That it would come up and be like that's not
a real identity, or there's something wrong with you. You
need to go get something checked out, or and none
of that happened. It was all me. It was all
me doing this to be one hundred percent clear, but
I don't know. It was just it was I still
(08:31):
am going, still learning, still trying to go through this.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
I think it's interesting when it comes to trying to
figure out what the norm is. And again we talk
about tropes and expectations as adults or growing to be
an adult, and our ideals as teenagers too becoming that adults,
and we really have to navigate what that means to us.
Because I did not get into dating and relationships until
I was in my late twenties, and I didn't have
(09:09):
much of relationships until I was in my thirties mid thirties,
and that was all things in part to online dating,
because for me to meet people. Was really hard. I
don't know why, it just was for me. And then
like my current relationship was because we lived near each
other and it just happened that way. We built a
relationship that way. But like I was with you in
(09:32):
that same manner of like, I'm not normal. Why am
I not dating? Why am I not seeing tons of people?
I've never been in a deep, committed along relationship college,
never dated people at all, somewhat religious background as well,
but like it also made me feel stunted, and I
was like, this is all my attachment issues and trauma
and all these things. And then growing older than like
(09:53):
watching everybody who was going through some good relationships put
a lot more bad relationships that I was like, oh
I'm good, and people like so many people going through
divorces and I'm like, eh, I'm even better now, I'm good.
And then having children and having a really messy divorce
and not that children are a problem because I love children.
(10:15):
I should really think they're so sweet and cute, and
I love hanging out with really like cute children. I
raise some for a while, you know, But like at
this point I'm like, yeah, no, that was not this
is not for me. This has never been for me,
and I've gotten old enough that I don't care enough
about other people's opinions of that. But and also the
people in my life have seen the bad versions of that,
(10:40):
if that makes sense, Like they've watched, like, you know,
their children going through divorce or they've gone through horrible
divorces or really messy stuff, and they're like, yeah, no,
don't do it. If you don't want to, if that's
not something absolutely that you want, don't do it. And
it's kind of one of those like, in hindsight, I'm
feel grateful that I didn't have to go do that,
(11:00):
But definitely, during those times, I felt as if I
was so abnormal and so weird and that unlovable. I
thought I was unlovable and that feels like such a
curse in these things, you know, and then growing into
oh no, that was okay, I'm actually okay, not having
(11:21):
experienced all of that until I was older and felt
a little more secure about myself.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yeah, yeah, And I mean that's one of the things
we talk about in this upcoming episode, is that realization
of I'm okay, but I still want x y Z,
or maybe I don't want X y and Z and
this is something that I have long thought, But that
(11:51):
whole idea of finding the relationship it's going to fix you, right,
I just don't think that's a hellal thing. I think
that's I think it's fair to say relationship, a good relationship,
you're going to help each other or whoever is involved.
But I don't think you should be looking for this
(12:13):
will fix me right personally.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Okay, that's kind of what I've come to discover being
in this long term relationship that I've been in. It's enjoyable.
I enjoy his company, and we had to wade through
some really tough conversations. We don't necessarily fight a lot.
We don't do like the dramatic up and downs, which
(12:38):
I'm really grateful for because I am a non confrontational person.
I have discovered this very non confrontational until I blow up,
and then I blow up like it just is one
of those and I'm like, I don't like those moments.
I don't want those moments. And you see all these
relationships where they talk about if there's not passion and fighting,
and I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't think you understand
(13:01):
what that is compared to like how exhausting that can
be and how emotionally draining that can be for most people,
and that a lot of the times finding friendship and comfort,
but also finding the boundaries of like he's not my
whole world. I can live without him. I know that
I can, like I've done it. But at the same time,
(13:22):
he makes it better or the partner makes it better.
That's the difference, you know what I mean. Like, yeah,
and the fact that we don't drive each other crazy.
Every now and again, we have moments with each other.
I know he can complain about me and I can
complain about him. But then in the end it's kind
of like also funny, like if I couldn't laugh at
my own stuff and his stuff, then I think that's
(13:43):
where we have a problem. But again, like we're still
as much as we're together, we're still very separate. Like
we have separate so many separate things that I feel
like works for us. It's kind of like that conversation
about people who sleep in different bedrooms and everybody's like,
oh my god, there is no norm. Like I think
when you start breaking that, you start finding yourself and
(14:05):
finding out that it doesn't like maybe you were meant
to be in a relationship. It's wonderful, but it's not
your typical You might sleep in separate bedrooms and it
works wonderfully because you have your own space that you need.
Like for a lot of people, they need that, and
it's a beautiful thing. For some people they don't need that,
and that's also a beautiful thing. Some people need weddings
(14:25):
or want weddings and marriages and the togetherness what's wonderful,
you know. Like I think one of the things about
that interview we had was like we had very three
different distinct people in this moment. Like she knew she
wanted to be married, and I think that's amazing and
I love that, but like she also had to work
through what that meant for her and her identity and
(14:46):
realizing that shouldn't be her whole identity. Like she loves
it as a part of who she is in her life,
but it's not what makes her. For me, that's not
my part of my identity. But I do enjoy my relationship,
and this is wonderful, and I don't know how, Like
I hope a less forever that would be wonderful, Forever
mine forever as and like until I die. But if
it doesn't, I'll.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Be okay, He'll be okay, you know, like.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
He'll be painful and all those things and any other relationships,
and I feel like there's no regret in our relationship.
Where we're at is wonderful, you know. And for her,
that's like when she talked about, yeah it's spoiler alert,
some rough patches and her previous relationships, you know, And
then that's for you too. It's like a lot of
(15:29):
things that you took you a minute to figure out. Oh,
but I don't need I don't need this, and if
I did, it wouldn't look like this, And that's wonderful
because then that's when you were like, huh, this feels easier.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
You know. The interesting thing too, was nothing is a monolith.
There are plenty of asexual people who have relationships who
are married. So this is very much my personal experience,
I want to say, and I'm not even like.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Writing that out for now.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
It looks unlikely right now, but I'm not even like,
you know, saying it's not a possibility. But I did
have a conversation with somebody who is friends with someone
else who's a sexual, and she was kind of asking
me these questions that it was. It was a little
funny because it was like, I'm not the authority on
(16:33):
what a sexual looks like, but it what she was
telling was so different. Like this this person she was describing,
I'm like, Oh, that is not my experience at all.
So it's that's fascinating too, like the fact that there
are all these ways these things can manifest. And of
(17:00):
course for me, I'm like, if that's how she is,
that's how she is, Like I don't know her. Some
it's just it's hard when you want to find the camaraderie,
but you also don't want to exclude people like I
(17:23):
don't want to make anybody feel like, oh, that's not
what it is sexuality is, because that's wrong. That's wrong,
it's completely wrong. But that also brings me to another
point that I think I'll talk about more in depth later,
but even at like Pride events, I get nervous that
I'll get dismissed or people be like, Oh that's not
(17:45):
that's not what this is, and that's not what it
should be.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
That's not how it should be.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
And I mean, this is why it's a spectrum, like
everything's very much your self related. Your own past, your
own reactions. You're like, you're what you're comfortable with, and
that's the way it should be. And I think the
problem for years has been that it's been argue that
this is the way it's supposed to be and it's
(18:14):
no rigidity, and like even like people who terse like
that's that same level of conversation that that's on there
that they're like, no, I as a lesbian will not
allow yeah, a trans woman to come in here, like
or I as a straight woman, or I as a
woman in general, like this in just like forgetting what
(18:37):
this is and how why these movements were important to
begin with, why feminism was important to begin with. It
wasn't just it is for voting. It is for the
basic human rights, but basic human rights meaning you become
who you truly are.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Yeah, yeah, it's just a yeah, it's something I'm still
still thinking about and working through, and I know a
lot of us are. I don't even think that's necessarily
relegated to when it comes to relationships, at least to
(19:12):
these people. But also I want to be clear, I
I feel like a lot of the things I'm talking
about people before me have experienced forever, So I acknowledge
that it's It was just really interesting to read this
book and be like, Okay, wow, this.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Is not lining up with the hell.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
When it comes to identity and trying to figure like
trying to fit in, it does feel really difficult when
it's like, HM's what is it?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Oh, and then you start you start asking a lot
of questions. But again, come in but the mature part
is realizing, Oh, but that's different experiences and we may
come to a similar connclusion, but we had different paths
and that's what makes this so wonderful in that we
are human.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Yeah, I'm really glad I read it. I'm I'm really happy.
I feel like I understand some things a little bit better.
I won't delay in texting back as much. Oh oh no,
I'm only said my kidding.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
There was just a there was a thing in there
about it. I'm really bad about it. So, oh my god.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
But yeah, I'm I'm glad that I know this other
experience that is not mine better because I thought I
did because you see it all the time in media.
But of course media gets it wrong very often or
has a fun take on it, which is fine, but
if you start to take that as reality.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Right, And that's the problem, especially because when you see
that in like not necessarily books, but like when we
see it in like TV's as such, is also from
a perspective of someone who probably doesn't I've never experienced
it either, and has assumptions.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Yes, exactly, and then we take on those assumptions, and
then they become what we think, this is how this
thing should look like. But yeah, it was. Sometimes it's
a really nice part of this job. Sometimes it's a
painful part of this job. But to know that your
mind can still be I'm still absorbing information and I'm
(21:29):
still like, okay, let me think about this. That okay,
that's a new thing for me, right. So yes, thank
you listeners, Thank you Samantha for Jordan being on this
the word salad about my thoughts after reading this book.
But I had a lot of thoughts about it. And
(21:51):
you will hear the episode with Alison soon unless you
listen to this out of order and you might have
already heard it.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
I don't know. It could be either. It could be either, but.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, in the meantime, if you have any thoughts about this,
if you would like to contact us, you can you
can email us at Hello at Stuffwenever Told You dot com.
You can also find us on Blue Sky at bombs
Up podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff We
Never Told You. We're also on YouTube. We have a
tea public store, and we have a book you can
get wherever you get your books. Thanks as always too,
our super produced Christine are Exective, Christin Maya and our
(22:25):
contributor to Joey. Thank you and thanks to you for
listening Stuff Will Never Told You Books of iHeart Radio.
For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, you can check
out Yeah Art Radio, app, Apple Podcasts, or where you
listen to your favorite shows
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