Happy Hour #86: Boundaries and Asking for Help

In this mish-mash of an episode, topics include setting up boundaries, people-pleasing, and asking for help.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. I'm welcome to Stephane
Never told your production of iHeart Radio, and it is
time for another happy hour, which means, as always, we
invite you to join us and take this moment to

(00:26):
kind of maybe take a break in your day and
hang with us. Um and if you choose to drink
whatever that may be, please drink responsibly. What are you
sipping on, Samantha? So I'm keeping it low key and
I'm sticking with my bubble water from the soda stream
that you gave me a little bit of pineapple flavor.
So yeah, I'm keeping it low key today. Nice. What

(00:47):
about you? I am doing a pretty like light gin
and tonic with some spice to it because I'm in
the midst of an allergic event. Yeah. Can you see
my eyes? Oh my god, it makes me feel better.
I've been recording with you all day and I haven't
noticed this one. I was like horrified by my video
earlier we did. We just did a female first with

(01:08):
their good friend and co worker Eves, and I was like,
don't look at me. I did not notice. That makes
me feel bad. Also staring at my all like many puginis,
I mean when it comes to this video skyping, there's

(01:28):
two I've told you I hated because I have to
see my face too often, and I'm like why in
the worst light even and I have a ring light
and I was even considering, I was like, I need
a new ring light. Is why does everybody look okay?
And I look washed out? I'm the brown person here?
How do I look watched out? To me? You look
like in the best way, like you're coming from a
like dark room. Your background is all yeah, it's pretty

(01:53):
pro fashionable looking to be honest. Yeah, Well maybe a
lesson here is we're also preoccupied with our own uh,
our own video and how we perceive our faults to
be that we're not noticing anybody else. I don't know

(02:13):
if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but
it's a thing because nobody noticed. I was like, nobody noticed.
I definitely didn't notice. Okay, okay, um, and just f
y I none of the things we just mentioned that
our company, our brands are with no sponsors. Um, we
have sponsors, but that's not why we called them out.

(02:33):
They're not currently sponsors. Oh Man, if so to stream
wanted to sponsor us and send me some new stuff
that'd be amazing. I love your continued quest to get
free staff. We're very transparent about it, at least which
it is. And actually that kind of this discussion about
maybe looking too much into flaws does relate to what

(02:55):
I wanted to talk about today. Originally I was going
to do I have a two parter planned on, like
some quick reviews about horror movies I've seen, but I
wanted to wait because I really want to see Pearl,
which is the prequel to X, and then do it.
So this one is kind of a last minute one,
but it does touch on something that I didn't get
to talk about. And the Monday menty we just did
about my experience at Dragon con Um and I was

(03:18):
telling you about it. But something that I've struggled with
always is setting up boundaries and being a people pleaser.
And I think this was one of the first instances
I've been out with that many people since the pandemic
um and it was kind of a mixed bag of
my ability to kind of speak up for what I

(03:41):
wanted to do or what I needed. But I did
do it on a couple of occasions, and I felt
good about it. Um, what did it feel nice? Because
it's always the moments before or when you're thinking about
doing it that you panic and think the worst and
then it happens. They reacted pretty well, Okay, yeah, honestly
it did feel good. Um. It was funny because one

(04:04):
of my friends, Marissa, who I've mentioned a lot, she
was kind of giving me some guff about like this
is your people pleaser side coming out, like just letting
me know how it is, as a good friend does.
But one of the big things I've I've talked about
before something like Dragon con where I want people to

(04:28):
have a good time, I feel responsible for them having
a good time. Um, so I take on way more
than they're asking of me, to be honest, Like it's
just I feel like, oh, I've got to make sure
everything's fine, everything goes smoothly. And this time I had
a moment of I said to my friends, look, I'm
fine eating this food and I don't need to like

(04:53):
go out and get more food or what they called
quote real food. Um, because I'm fine and I will
once the this convention is over. I'm going to eat
all the green vegetables, which is what I have been doing.
But in that time, like, I'm just not hungry when
all of you seem to be hungry. So I was

(05:13):
kind of after I've thrown away to entire whole meals
because I just went to eat with them because they
wanted to eat. I was like, just surprising, because you
haven't guilt about that, I will see. That was part
of the issue was I was eating people's leftovers, Like
they would leave pizza or whatever in our hotel room
and I would eat it, and then people would be like, now,

(05:36):
let's go get real food, and I'm like, but I
ate this pizza and I'm not hungry. Yeah. So it
was kind of a build up where I was trying
to not waste any food, and then it just built
up and I could not eat anymore. A part of
this is also, as I mentioned, I have some self
consciousness about the weight I've gained during COVID. That's not

(05:57):
why I didn't choose to eat at all, but what
I think it made it easier for me to turn
down food because I already felt kind of self conscious,
especially because I was in like a jumpsuit, right. But
that's a two part of that. Because I've always been
like you and I've had this conversation and I'm like,
I've had to like decipher your eating hep as to

(06:18):
a certain point because you don't necessarily get hungry. You
like the taste of food, but you don't like specific things.
You have to balance it because you do have a
tendency to overthink or it stresses you out or makes
you uncomfortable, like that's okay, and people know that about
themselves and that's good, but you also know was unhealthy

(06:41):
and try to balance it out for you, like this
is this is the thing eating. When it comes to eating,
it is a sense of things. So you know this
about yourself. But on top of that, but you are eating. Hey,
you eat on a schedule to make sure you eat
because you don't typically get hungry or you don't think
about it as often. And when you do get hungry,
it's not necessarily for specific types of food, which is
all fine, and you are very disciplined in that. And

(07:03):
yet as it can get into negative territory or you know,
like really damaging their territory, which you've already talked about
the floor that that could be. That's what you have
gone through and you've worked yourself out of it. But
that never that's never going to turn off. Unfortunately, that's
how it goes for a lot of people. So during
these times that was high traffic, high intensity, constantly going,

(07:24):
constantly doing things. You're trying to balance all of this out,
and yeah, for me, I'm like I need food. Yeah,
I'm gonna fight somebody. For you, like, you just sustain
on what you've got and you're okay with that. It's
not like you're not eating. It sounds like you're trying
to not waste food. But then that caused you to
waste food because you didn't want to sit and not
order because I know those times are really high traffic

(07:47):
times for these restaurants as well as pleasing your friends.
So there's like a lot of layers to this of
like I don't think you did not eat. I think,
and I think you're very aware you need to eat.
It was just more like the timing is way off,
and it just became a factor where you're already stressed
by something that stresses you out normal times, stressing you
out even more in these times with more things from

(08:12):
the outside. For sure, it was because normally I have
like times I eat um and I do get hungry
but it's pretty rare. But I have times that I eat,
and that's how I make sure I eat. For me
During like an event like this, I do make sure
I eat because there's a lot of drinking. I don't
want to be that person. I don't want to be
that person for my friends. Also don't want to be

(08:32):
that person for me, But it did become for so
long I've been and I have talked about this previously.
I'm eating for other people. I want to make sure
they eat, and I think I do think I overthink this.
My friends are adults, they can, you know, figure things

(08:52):
out for themselves. Um, but I think to them sometimes
it looks like like maybe you feel a little judged
or that it looks like I'm like, oh, you can
go eat. I don't need to, but I have eaten.
I have, and it's just like I don't feel whatever
that thing is. Because we did have a moment where

(09:13):
one of my friends was like, if we don't go
eat soon, I'm gonna punch somebody in the face. And
I was like, you can go eat. You can do it,
because I don't feel that like that's not a thing
for me. So it also ties into my sometimes damaging
and usually find real independent street where I'm like, I'm fine,
which is like if I'm hungry, I'll go find something
and eat it um And I do like I want

(09:35):
to hang out. They're my friends. I want to hang out.
But to me at an event like that, the hanging
out part is like the watching of the costumes. The
food part is just a thing we need to do.
But I know that's not the same for everybody else.
The one time I went and the one time I
went to eat with you, we definitely ate out of
Hooters because I was the only one available. That is
not experience I needed necessarily as a dining experien areas

(10:00):
for that kind of event. That is so funny you
bring that up because my friends also asked me about
the Hooters and I was like, if you need to
go to the Yes, yes, because this event, for everybody
who's listening, is in like the tourist part of Atlanta
that you typically avoid that has the restaurants like the

(10:21):
hard Rock Cafe, the once a year or by accident
because my direction is sitting me through that way. Yeah,
it's it's not a place you typically go, and there's
not There are some really good food options. I don't
want to like short change anybody, but generally it's pretty
pretty like chain commercial rights are are like three hour

(10:44):
weight that was with problems. That is definitely one of
the problems because I also people look to me and
this is partly my fault, lot my fault to make
all these reservations. But it's so hard to predict where
people will be at any point during that, so it
kind becomes a struggle of like, how am I going
to wrangle everybody? So we make this reservation. Are people

(11:05):
gonna be hungry? Um, usually they they get they get
food before then. And then like, we had one reservation
to sit down restaurant and we literally had all like
eaten a couple of hours before. We were all like, oh,
we're not hungry, but we had the reservation, and so
here we are just sort of the Yeah, that's just
sort of how it it works out a lot of

(11:26):
times and big events like this. I did have a
bunch of people that I was not expecting visit the
room and we ordered The group that was staying in
the room had ordered all this pizza and they were
kind of eyeing the pizza and I did not offer
I was like, nope, that you get your old food
going for You did not tell me you're coming. You
did not tell me there'd be this many people. This

(11:48):
is our pizza day. See I I was laying down somewhere. Also,
as you should. As you should. That's the thing. Is
like the scary part is doing it. And once you do,
and we would at as people understand. So I'm like, okay, yeah,
good for sure. It was certainly a lot of times
I was like, this is fine. I don't know why
I worked myself up so much about it. It's fine,

(12:10):
but it has been a part of my upbringing. I
think it is for a lot of women of constantly
putting other people's needs and once first, and it is
something like I said, I do want people to have fun.
But it's also, yeah, they're fine if I tell them,
like I'm not hungry, you go do what you need
to do. We can meet up later. I'll be here,
that's fine. They didn't care. Yeah, I hope they didn't.

(12:31):
Like I did that to you a couple of times
when we've been to like the parks and I'm like, yeah,
I'm gonna punch the body. I need to find food,
and you're like okay, bye, that's like yeah, yeah, I
think that works understand each other's needs. There were still

(13:01):
instances where I could have done better setting the boundaries,
especially around like sleeping, which I'm bad at anyway, that's
a constant I'm really bad at. I didn't really have
a problem with how many people kind of showed up
a lot, but it was a thing where I just
said yes before I was like, oh, of course, and
then I was like, maybe I shouldn't have done that,
maybe I should have thought about it for a second.

(13:24):
But still I got better sleep than I normally do,
so I will count that as a win, especially because
I was sleeping on an air mattress and it was
you had you slept on the air mattress. I slept
on the air mattress. Well, it's because I struggle with
sleeping any if there are people around anyway. So I
was like, I'm already gonna and I'm gonna have to pee.
I'm the person who has to get up at three
am or whatever. Pece. I was like, I'm gonna sleep

(13:46):
on this air and it was comfortable. It was just cold, yeah,
because you know the air. I always get cold on
air mattresses. I think the other thing that I thought
was interesting was this is the first time in a
long time where I've kind of said like I need
to be alone. I didn't say it like that, but

(14:07):
I was like, I'm gonna go do this thing goodbye,
just because it's tiring when you're around so many people
for so long. And it was only for like a
couple of hours at most. I was just like watching
costumes by myself. But that's something that can kind of
weigh on you, especially when you're sharing hotel her together.
And I think because of the pandemic, I've become so

(14:28):
used to alone time I did, I did not get
to read fan fiction, so the build up was enormous.
I took an entire day to catch up on fan
fiction when when it was over, and then I I again,
I can improve on this and in a lot of ways,
but I had a couple of instance since of asking

(14:49):
for help, that is a kind of that's a benefit
for me. I don't usually really really bad about that,
but this time I was kind of almost like tired
and on with things. I'm like, you gotta help me,
can help you with this, if we if we do
it right, yeah. So, I mean I think, as I said,

(15:10):
it was a mixed bag. And I'm sure some of
my friends listening to this would be like this girl
and her food did not help me out at all.
You know, my friends when they roll up and they
bring a whole bags of snacks because I never yes,
I've had people roll up on my house, Larissa, I
Love you up with like three bags and snacks and

(15:32):
I was like, we have some of those things. You
don't need to read that here, this is my house.
And she's like, have you seen Annie's house? I was like,
you're correct, Okay, it's true. It was very fair assumption,
but I still I gotta kick out of that as well.
Brought like the most basic of things we have that

(15:53):
she brought honey tea, Like we have those things? What
is happening? And I have shade it though I will
say I did I love it? Yeah, we I mean
that's one thing we've learned is we've got to communicate
like who's bringing what, because what you think is like
acceptable amount of food and what I think is an
acceptable amount of food is not the same thing. But yeah,

(16:14):
I guess it was. I've been thinking about it and
I feel. This is something I've been working on for
a long time. There's still much to be done, but
I had some things that I'm proud I was able
to be like, Yeah, thank you, thank you. Um. It's
so funny because it seems so small, but really it's

(16:35):
a big deal for it really is a hard thing
to do. Mm hmmmm. Well. Cheers to healthy boundaries. Cheers
to good boundaries. I love it. Yes and asking for
help when you need it. Uh. And here's to all
of you listeners again. If you have any topics we
should cover, I want to see your cosplay if you've

(16:55):
done it, your your con tips, if you have any
that would be great. You can emails at stuff Idia
mom Stuff at iHeart media dot com. You can find
us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or Instagram. And
stuff I've never told you Thanks. It's always to your
super producer Christy, you know, thank you and thanks to
you for listening stuff We never told the inspection but
I heeart radio. For more podcast from my Heart Radio,
you can check out the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast,

(17:16):
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.