May 16, 2011 • 20 mins
Familiar to any fan of classic romance stories, love at first sight is a common theme loved by some and, well, contemptuously dismissed by others. But it is real? Join Molly and Cristen as they delve into the science behind physical attraction.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve camera.
It's ready. Are you welcome to stump Mom never told you?
From house Stop Works dot Com. Hello and welcome to
the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Molly. Today we're talking
(00:21):
about whether it is possible to fall in love at
first sight. Such a cliche, love it first sight. Everyone's
probably thinking, well, I know the answer and it is no.
But anecdotally, I think a lot of us have maybe
experienced something akin to love at first sight. Someone speaking
(00:44):
from story hour, I am speaking from experience. Well, I
distinctly remember the first time he is now he is
now an not in a relationship with me anymore, but
we do still carre each other about each other very deeply. Uh.
First time I saw one of my ex boyfriends. UM.
I remember being at a very crowded show and I
(01:09):
stood up and it was in a small a small venue,
and I stood up on a chair or something like that,
or a bench or something to get a better view.
And I looked across the room and I saw this man.
And I had never seen this man before, which was
odd because it was a group of people, a lot
of familiar faces, but I've never seen him before. He
was talking to people I knew, and I just remember
(01:32):
seeing him and thinking, he looks like no one else
I have ever seen before, And my isn't he just handsome?
I wish I knew him. I wish I knew him,
And I didn't talk to him that night, you know,
I just kind of chucked that little thought away and
then lo and behold, Um, he had seen me in
(01:53):
similar situations, saying who is that last? I've never seen
her before, Not that he talked like that at all. Um,
But yeah, then come to find out we meet each other.
We'd had these experiences, we had seen each other from Afar,
and you know, something ticked off and inside of our
little little fluttering hearts and we shared a beautiful romance
(02:16):
for a long time. And I would say, that's the
closest thing that I can think of to love it
first sight. Wow, that was the sweetest story. It's pretty sweet.
And that man was John Hamm. That man was John Hamm.
That was you know, it was a lifetime ago before
he got married and became Don Draper on mad Men. Uh.
You know, but if you've ever had a man like
(02:37):
Don Draper, say, well, I just saw her. It reminds
me the first time I met Kermit the Frog, he
thought you were totess hot. Yeah, um so yeah, I
love it first sight. But the but then my question was, well,
you know, can we call that love it first sight
or is that just attraction it first sight? I don't know,
but either way, you don't need much time at all
(03:00):
to say, you know what, I'd like to see that
person again. Yeah, that person rings my little bill. And
people are saying, you know, if we have varying definitions
of what ring that bell means, then you know, and
I think it's perfectly possible to fall in love at
first sight and surprise, surprise, who are we going to
mention first none? Helen Fisher, anthropologist, We're not gonna talk
(03:23):
about it too long ago. Helen Fisher says that three
minutes is all you need all the time you need
to know whether or not somebody's gonna stick around. It
makes kind of a good case for speed dating because
that's how long I think you talked to a person
on a speed date, and she's saying, yes, you just
need that three minutes to know whether this person will
be in your life for a long time or not,
(03:44):
because it's that kind of instant attraction chemistry you can
your bodies do. Saysn't a whole lot of characteristics and
qualities without even knowing it. In every minute, just when
you're making small talk, you are getting the clues that
will let you know whether this is a good person.
But you've got to remember that Helen Fisher trades a
lot of traces, a lot of our behavior back to
(04:06):
our evolutionary forefathers, when our motives were to have a baby,
a healthy baby who can continue on the race. So
a lot of this stuff is based on that idea
that we still subconsciously seek out good partners. So you
combine that or not. But according to her, our brains
have been rewired. So in that three minutes, that's kind
of what we're on the lookout because it goes back to,
(04:29):
you know, producing a healthy child. But also the fact
that when you know, way back in evolutionary times, we
weren't living very long, so you kind of needed to
get busy pretty quick. Three minutes back then was like
a lifetime. Not really, but I mean that's what she's saying.
You don't have very long, you don't have like these
five years to date you've got, you know, the five
years should be spent having the child and raising it.
So you've only got three minutes. What can you suss
(04:51):
out in that three minutes that will let you know
if this person is good to father your child. Well,
some scholars think that we are building our brain is
building a love maps, a love map of all of
these different qualities. And I think that I think it'd
be interesting to kind of tick off a lot of
(05:12):
these physical attributes that might seem superficial to pay attention to,
but actually are pretty good indicators of someone's reproductive health
and whether or not they'd be a good genetic match
to you. For instance, heterosexual lady might check out a
man's chin Don Draper's jawline, for instance, and be uh,
(05:36):
see it as a sign of attractiveness because testosterone levels
influence the jawlines and chin development, and same for women
with the eyes. The shape the smallest shape of a
woman's eyes is determined by estrogen in her body, so
that's a sign of reproductive fitness to the gent Facial
symmetry symmetry is huge, We've heard and this is probably
(05:57):
no new news. The more symmetrical. Uh, people are the
more attractive. They're generally judged because it's a it's a
sign that your jeans are good. It's a sign that
your jeans, you know, split just right to make you
not deformed. Basically, waste to hip ratio the all the
old hour glass for the ladies. And this has to
(06:18):
do with uh, fat deposits. Yeah, where your fat as
deposit on your body determines your waist to hip ratio.
And those fat deposits are also influenced by your sex hormones.
So women with a waist to hip ratio of o
point seven basically meaning that you got a little waist
and larger hips, it's more desirable to men, whereas the
(06:41):
waist hip ratio and men is going to be a
little bit bigger because typically curvaceous men is not the ideal.
It's more of the you know, the broad shoulder and uh,
what else how do you describing this broad I just
get stuck off his shoulders, which again is another testosterone trait,
so that that's why you're getting stuck on them, Christen,
it's evolution. Yeah, and they you know, they did um
(07:05):
studies that should like every Miss America you know, since
time began has had the point seven waste to hip ratio.
So these, even though you don't walk around going her
waste to hip ratio sucks. These are what they call
the universal ideals of beauty. They go into every culture
and show pictures of people to you know, test subjects,
and by and large, these are the things people find
(07:25):
attractive because scholars think it's linked to reproductive fitness, because
you know what good hips, big hips are for bigger hips,
birth and babies. So so that's why you know, you
don't want to walk around thinking that it's your hips
that although hips don't lie, so um, you don't want
(07:46):
to walk around thinking that these evolutionary ideas of good
baby making hips are what people are attracted to. But
your brain can't help but go there. Now, let's talk
about the idea of pheromones, because these are brought up
a lot in uh Frids. Me of the anchorman or
one of the characters, the Paula Red character has that
pheromone um panther cologne hilarious. But this this idea that
(08:12):
we can subconsciously smell a good partner. And while um,
humans don't really admit and detect actual pheromones in that sense.
Very controversial idea, whether we do or not, right, but
we can. There is a there is an idea that
we are sort of sniffing out jeans. And there's a
study of very famous study that we've mentioned probably more
(08:33):
than once on the podcast about sweaty undershirts. Yeah. Uh.
They did a kind of blindfold of tests where women
smelled men's sweaty undershirts and rated their attractiveness. And the
men who were the most genetically dissimilar to them, which
is a good thing. You don't want someone who has
the same genes as you because that would be your brother. Hence,
(08:55):
incest um, the ones with the most genetic diversity, we're
the most attractive. Yeah. So there's some thought that we
can sniff out signals from other people. And we talked
about this with the do gall pal sinc their menstrual cycles.
You know, there was some evidence or suggestion that you
can sniff out when it's a good time to have
a baby based on when your lady friends are having
(09:15):
their periods. And so they're saying that, you know it,
maybe not, maybe it's not love of first sight, it's
love it first sniff, right, just the idea that even
without seeing someone, even without all those visual visual clues,
are bodies are still equipped to signal which may or
may not be a good mate, force a reproductive mate.
(09:36):
It's all about this all goes back to very reproductive
oriented meeting. Because love is a fairly new concept, as
we've talked about before, right because you did have to mate,
you had to have a kid. You couldn't be you
couldn't be perfectly in love with this person. They couldn't
met they couldn't meet all the qualities on your laundry list.
But they're saying, you know, if we have built up
(09:57):
our love maps now in this modern age where being
include things like, you know, sense of humor and um,
what else could be on a laundry list? Well educated
Tennis puts the toilet seatback down. Yes, So while we
have these things on our love map, they're staying that
under those you know traits, we've got these evolutionary signals
(10:17):
there too. And in that first meeting, that three minute meeting,
your brain, without you knowing it, it's just running through
the love map, checking off which ones this guy seems
to meet, and you're using all sorts of clues, Like
you said, well educated, Kristen. Let's say you meet a
guy and he's wearing a stethoscope and scrubs. Right away,
your brain probably assumes method Zach Braff educated and and
(10:41):
you loved Garden States, so your brain remembers that. And
uh you like the shin so that's cool, um nineties jokes.
Uh so, yeah, your brain is doing all this really fast.
If you dated a doctor before and it didn't go well,
when you see another doctor, when you go from Zach
Braff to George Cline and as e er days, your
(11:01):
brain is like, whoa, that last doctor didn't work for
us too well. But then my brain will go, well,
it was Zach Braf, So give Clooney a chance. But Zacra,
Let's talk about something though called assortative mating. Because we
talked a lot about dissimilarities genetics wise, but scholars also
(11:21):
think that we tend to gravitate towards people who are
in a lot of ways just like us. Yes, and
this is something referred to as a sortative mating, right,
and so in that you know, first, hi, how are you? Yes,
you're even just sessing out their voice. Your brains going
through things on their voice. But let's say they start
(11:42):
talking about, um, Shakespeare and oh my gosh, you've happened
to love Shakespeare, me too, and yeah, and you guys
both like pizza I love Do you like pepperoni as well? Pepperoni? Yeah,
I love movies too. So these facts that you have things,
these these small things that are in common. You know,
anyone in a relationship knows that those small things sometimes
(12:05):
really make a huge difference because you start having pizza
and Shakespeare. One slice of pizza could lead to the
whole pie. That is a card waiting to happen. I'm
gonna sell um. So yeah, just these really small stupid
things that you sense, uh, you know, someone like you
and that is attractive to us. And you know what
(12:27):
also helps what ovulation. If you're you know, if you're
Filipian tubes or are shooting a shoe little egg down there,
your chances of seeing a dude will strike your fancy
way higher again because it beat draw on to you
because of the need to mate, even if you don't
(12:47):
necessarily want to kid at that that moment. We talked
about that on the uh, you know, subliminal signs of
ovulation and the ways women and men are attracted to
each other during that time of the month. Um, but yeah,
it's kind of weird that all these factors have to
be in line, which is why, you know, maybe love
at first sight seems so rare because how often is
(13:07):
it that you see a perfect genetic specimen who's not
too similar, who is meeting all your love map qualifications
while you're ovulating, and that's really hard to do well,
and and they have to look back at you. Yes,
this was one of the most interesting concepts with his
whole love of first sight thing is that we think
(13:29):
a lot about we'd like to frame it as this
quest for the other, whereas when it really comes down
to it, it's kind of a quest for It's a
more narcissistic quest for validation of yourself because you know,
to take your story, Kristen, both of you saw each other, right,
he saw you, you saw him, and we but we
(13:50):
weren't looking back at each other either time. Okay, Well, see,
now let's say you've had locked eyes. The chances that
you would have talked that night probably go up like
a thousand percent. Certainly, you know, if he had looked
and see me, I was looking at him, become cross
through that sees people he might have because that's what
one researcher said was that what we are most attracted
(14:11):
to is someone who was attracted to us. And so
if you know, if that fellow had seen you looking back,
he would have had that sort of you know, nudge
of um, you know, a self esteem boost like yeah
she does like me, she check, maybe she's interested, Maybe
I've got a shot. Body language starts playing a factor
you could have been, you know, sending the eyes to
each other, the crazy love eyes, and it might just
(14:33):
look like crazy eyes when I said them, well yeah
that's a common problem. Um, but yeah, they're saying that,
you know, that most important factor is someone who's going
to look back at you and um, you know, reaffirm
all the things you find attractive about yourself. So if
you do find someone attractive, they say, that's when you
got to start playing that old body language game like hey,
come over here. And there's also, um, this idea of
(14:58):
an attractiveness halo too. If you see someone you know,
if Molly, I'm sure if you if you ran too
John Ham and he was like, Molly, I love your podcast,
you would be sold because we will also if we
find someone physically attractive without knowing much about them at all,
we will fill in the blanks of their characteristics and
(15:20):
just kind of assume that they are gonna match us
personality wise. Yeah, and so that I think that's where
you get start get into the situation of is that
love or is it something else? Because we think that
love can be based on knowing someone completely and everything
minus that halo. But you know what, here's another hallmark
card for you. You can't put a time limit on love.
(15:42):
You can't put a time on it on love or
you know, we also have to remember the social constructs
of you know, love and relationships and dating and what
we're told is and isn't this or that? Yeah, I
mean we're told we have to date someone for you know,
a set number of dates before we could say I
love you. You know, if your brain knows, your brain knows,
And a lot of neuroscience has been done on this
to say that, uh, you know. Helen Fisher gave this
(16:03):
three minutes. One nerve scientists gave a point two seconds
what she said, that's how long it takes for those
love hormones to flood your brain when you see someone
that's barely a glance, how could you even know what
they look like for point two seconds? You know that
brain works fast. I went through your love map like that.
You saw a good match, and your brain is already
feeling all the chemical rush of hormones and it is
(16:27):
being rewired for love. So you know, we have to
kind of let go. I think of uh that that
uh certain date rule before you can feel love. Sometimes
it seems if the science holds up, you can feel love.
And it's such as a as a statistics and neuroscience
nut as I can be needing, needing facts to be provable.
I will say the fact that the moment, the split second,
(16:52):
I don't know how many seconds it was of just
seeing that person is such a clear memory in my
in my brain, so clear. I mean I remember everything
about it, exactly where it was, um and what he
was wearing, all of it. That something happened, you know,
it makes me. It makes me I don't know that
I believe a hunter percent, but well, and the fact
(17:13):
that it did turn into a relationship. I think, um
that love at first sight can be a backward looking phenomenon.
I mean, if nothing had happened, you would have been like, oh,
that was a cool moment but then but I wouldn't
have remembered it. Yeah, but the fact that you actually
got together afterward it made a nice part to your
love story, like, oh, you know, here's how I met
And by the way, we both knew as soon as
we saw each other something was going on. And whereas
(17:34):
you know, if let's say a relationship and it really badly,
people who might be telling that story later would probably
forget that part about the lot of first sight. So
it's something that kind of can stand there while you
are in a relationship with that person. I think. So
we want to know what you all think out there,
is love at first sight possible? Has it happened to you?
Send your gushy stories our way mom stuff at house
(17:57):
steff works dot com, And in the meantime it's an
email or two. I have one here signed Minneapolis Mom
and it was about our podcast on Duelas and Midwives,
and she writes, I was thrilled to listen to your
podcast about this because I always hope the women will
go into the birthing process being as informed as possible.
(18:18):
And my first daughter in a hospital with a certified
nurse wife nurse midwife to dulas, one was in training,
and my husband. Although I had a wonderful and supportive
certified nurse midwife at the birth, the hospital rotates obi's
and CNMs, so you never know we will be on
duty when you deliver. Having a DULA present meant that
I could rely on a consistent nurturing person to support me.
My duelas dripped my back, kept me hydrated, help me breathe,
(18:40):
and most of all, had unwavering faith in me. I
was able to birth a nine and a half pound
baby with no drugs or medical interventions. My second daughter
was a planned home birth. I had her in a
birthing tab and was supported by two midwives, one in training,
a duelah, and my husband. It was truly the most beautiful, peaceful,
and fulfilling moments in my life. I felt like my
daughter was brought into the world surrounded by jen, tollness
(19:00):
and love. I realized that home bursts are not for everyone,
but as I mentioned above, it's always my hope that
I will take the time to truly inform themselves about
the different options. Well, I've got an email here from
Natasha about our beer podcast, and Natasha, You're welcome because
in parentheses you wrote, I'd love it if you read
this on the show. Dreams do Come true. All lonesome um,
(19:23):
she says. For the longest time, I drank a certain
brand of beer because it tasted good. Then I started
seeing these horrible commercials with tightly clothed, big busty women
in it that behave like they didn't have a brain
cell in their heads, and it just irked me so
much I quit drinking it. Then I discovered sam Adams,
which has commercials about the factory, what products they use,
(19:43):
and who makes the beer. That shows me that they
have so much pride in their beer that they don't
need to do marketing that the others do. Plus it
tastes so good, and ever since then, I've been a
sam Adams girl. Also, I haven't had anyone comment or
tell me that I'm unladylike for drinking beer us believe
it or not. My six ft tall, two pound work
out for an hour every day. Ex Marine older brother
(20:05):
drinks get this wine coolers and I dare someone to
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(20:29):
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(20:54):
two thousand twelve Camray. It's ready, are you
Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve camera.
It's ready. Are you welcome to stump Mom never told you?
From house Stop Works dot Com. Hello and welcome to
the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Molly. Today we're talking
(00:21):
about whether it is possible to fall in love at
first sight. Such a cliche, love it first sight. Everyone's
probably thinking, well, I know the answer and it is no.
But anecdotally, I think a lot of us have maybe
experienced something akin to love at first sight. Someone speaking
(00:44):
from story hour, I am speaking from experience. Well, I
distinctly remember the first time he is now he is
now an not in a relationship with me anymore, but
we do still carre each other about each other very deeply. Uh.
First time I saw one of my ex boyfriends. UM.
I remember being at a very crowded show and I
(01:09):
stood up and it was in a small a small venue,
and I stood up on a chair or something like that,
or a bench or something to get a better view.
And I looked across the room and I saw this man.
And I had never seen this man before, which was
odd because it was a group of people, a lot
of familiar faces, but I've never seen him before. He
was talking to people I knew, and I just remember
(01:32):
seeing him and thinking, he looks like no one else
I have ever seen before, And my isn't he just handsome?
I wish I knew him. I wish I knew him,
And I didn't talk to him that night, you know,
I just kind of chucked that little thought away and
then lo and behold, Um, he had seen me in
(01:53):
similar situations, saying who is that last? I've never seen
her before, Not that he talked like that at all. Um,
But yeah, then come to find out we meet each other.
We'd had these experiences, we had seen each other from Afar,
and you know, something ticked off and inside of our
little little fluttering hearts and we shared a beautiful romance
(02:16):
for a long time. And I would say, that's the
closest thing that I can think of to love it
first sight. Wow, that was the sweetest story. It's pretty sweet.
And that man was John Hamm. That man was John Hamm.
That was you know, it was a lifetime ago before
he got married and became Don Draper on mad Men. Uh.
You know, but if you've ever had a man like
(02:37):
Don Draper, say, well, I just saw her. It reminds
me the first time I met Kermit the Frog, he
thought you were totess hot. Yeah, um so yeah, I
love it first sight. But the but then my question was, well,
you know, can we call that love it first sight
or is that just attraction it first sight? I don't know,
but either way, you don't need much time at all
(03:00):
to say, you know what, I'd like to see that
person again. Yeah, that person rings my little bill. And
people are saying, you know, if we have varying definitions
of what ring that bell means, then you know, and
I think it's perfectly possible to fall in love at
first sight and surprise, surprise, who are we going to
mention first none? Helen Fisher, anthropologist, We're not gonna talk
(03:23):
about it too long ago. Helen Fisher says that three
minutes is all you need all the time you need
to know whether or not somebody's gonna stick around. It
makes kind of a good case for speed dating because
that's how long I think you talked to a person
on a speed date, and she's saying, yes, you just
need that three minutes to know whether this person will
be in your life for a long time or not,
(03:44):
because it's that kind of instant attraction chemistry you can
your bodies do. Saysn't a whole lot of characteristics and
qualities without even knowing it. In every minute, just when
you're making small talk, you are getting the clues that
will let you know whether this is a good person.
But you've got to remember that Helen Fisher trades a
lot of traces, a lot of our behavior back to
(04:06):
our evolutionary forefathers, when our motives were to have a baby,
a healthy baby who can continue on the race. So
a lot of this stuff is based on that idea
that we still subconsciously seek out good partners. So you
combine that or not. But according to her, our brains
have been rewired. So in that three minutes, that's kind
of what we're on the lookout because it goes back to,
(04:29):
you know, producing a healthy child. But also the fact
that when you know, way back in evolutionary times, we
weren't living very long, so you kind of needed to
get busy pretty quick. Three minutes back then was like
a lifetime. Not really, but I mean that's what she's saying.
You don't have very long, you don't have like these
five years to date you've got, you know, the five
years should be spent having the child and raising it.
So you've only got three minutes. What can you suss
(04:51):
out in that three minutes that will let you know
if this person is good to father your child. Well,
some scholars think that we are building our brain is
building a love maps, a love map of all of
these different qualities. And I think that I think it'd
be interesting to kind of tick off a lot of
(05:12):
these physical attributes that might seem superficial to pay attention to,
but actually are pretty good indicators of someone's reproductive health
and whether or not they'd be a good genetic match
to you. For instance, heterosexual lady might check out a
man's chin Don Draper's jawline, for instance, and be uh,
(05:36):
see it as a sign of attractiveness because testosterone levels
influence the jawlines and chin development, and same for women
with the eyes. The shape the smallest shape of a
woman's eyes is determined by estrogen in her body, so
that's a sign of reproductive fitness to the gent Facial
symmetry symmetry is huge, We've heard and this is probably
(05:57):
no new news. The more symmetrical. Uh, people are the
more attractive. They're generally judged because it's a it's a
sign that your jeans are good. It's a sign that
your jeans, you know, split just right to make you
not deformed. Basically, waste to hip ratio the all the
old hour glass for the ladies. And this has to
(06:18):
do with uh, fat deposits. Yeah, where your fat as
deposit on your body determines your waist to hip ratio.
And those fat deposits are also influenced by your sex hormones.
So women with a waist to hip ratio of o
point seven basically meaning that you got a little waist
and larger hips, it's more desirable to men, whereas the
(06:41):
waist hip ratio and men is going to be a
little bit bigger because typically curvaceous men is not the ideal.
It's more of the you know, the broad shoulder and uh,
what else how do you describing this broad I just
get stuck off his shoulders, which again is another testosterone trait,
so that that's why you're getting stuck on them, Christen,
it's evolution. Yeah, and they you know, they did um
(07:05):
studies that should like every Miss America you know, since
time began has had the point seven waste to hip ratio.
So these, even though you don't walk around going her
waste to hip ratio sucks. These are what they call
the universal ideals of beauty. They go into every culture
and show pictures of people to you know, test subjects,
and by and large, these are the things people find
(07:25):
attractive because scholars think it's linked to reproductive fitness, because
you know what good hips, big hips are for bigger hips,
birth and babies. So so that's why you know, you
don't want to walk around thinking that it's your hips
that although hips don't lie, so um, you don't want
(07:46):
to walk around thinking that these evolutionary ideas of good
baby making hips are what people are attracted to. But
your brain can't help but go there. Now, let's talk
about the idea of pheromones, because these are brought up
a lot in uh Frids. Me of the anchorman or
one of the characters, the Paula Red character has that
pheromone um panther cologne hilarious. But this this idea that
(08:12):
we can subconsciously smell a good partner. And while um,
humans don't really admit and detect actual pheromones in that sense.
Very controversial idea, whether we do or not, right, but
we can. There is a there is an idea that
we are sort of sniffing out jeans. And there's a
study of very famous study that we've mentioned probably more
(08:33):
than once on the podcast about sweaty undershirts. Yeah. Uh.
They did a kind of blindfold of tests where women
smelled men's sweaty undershirts and rated their attractiveness. And the
men who were the most genetically dissimilar to them, which
is a good thing. You don't want someone who has
the same genes as you because that would be your brother. Hence,
(08:55):
incest um, the ones with the most genetic diversity, we're
the most attractive. Yeah. So there's some thought that we
can sniff out signals from other people. And we talked
about this with the do gall pal sinc their menstrual cycles.
You know, there was some evidence or suggestion that you
can sniff out when it's a good time to have
a baby based on when your lady friends are having
(09:15):
their periods. And so they're saying that, you know it,
maybe not, maybe it's not love of first sight, it's
love it first sniff, right, just the idea that even
without seeing someone, even without all those visual visual clues,
are bodies are still equipped to signal which may or
may not be a good mate, force a reproductive mate.
(09:36):
It's all about this all goes back to very reproductive
oriented meeting. Because love is a fairly new concept, as
we've talked about before, right because you did have to mate,
you had to have a kid. You couldn't be you
couldn't be perfectly in love with this person. They couldn't
met they couldn't meet all the qualities on your laundry list.
But they're saying, you know, if we have built up
(09:57):
our love maps now in this modern age where being
include things like, you know, sense of humor and um,
what else could be on a laundry list? Well educated
Tennis puts the toilet seatback down. Yes, So while we
have these things on our love map, they're staying that
under those you know traits, we've got these evolutionary signals
(10:17):
there too. And in that first meeting, that three minute meeting,
your brain, without you knowing it, it's just running through
the love map, checking off which ones this guy seems
to meet, and you're using all sorts of clues, Like
you said, well educated, Kristen. Let's say you meet a
guy and he's wearing a stethoscope and scrubs. Right away,
your brain probably assumes method Zach Braff educated and and
(10:41):
you loved Garden States, so your brain remembers that. And
uh you like the shin so that's cool, um nineties jokes.
Uh so, yeah, your brain is doing all this really fast.
If you dated a doctor before and it didn't go well,
when you see another doctor, when you go from Zach
Braff to George Cline and as e er days, your
(11:01):
brain is like, whoa, that last doctor didn't work for
us too well. But then my brain will go, well,
it was Zach Braf, So give Clooney a chance. But Zacra,
Let's talk about something though called assortative mating. Because we
talked a lot about dissimilarities genetics wise, but scholars also
(11:21):
think that we tend to gravitate towards people who are
in a lot of ways just like us. Yes, and
this is something referred to as a sortative mating, right,
and so in that you know, first, hi, how are you? Yes,
you're even just sessing out their voice. Your brains going
through things on their voice. But let's say they start
(11:42):
talking about, um, Shakespeare and oh my gosh, you've happened
to love Shakespeare, me too, and yeah, and you guys
both like pizza I love Do you like pepperoni as well? Pepperoni? Yeah,
I love movies too. So these facts that you have things,
these these small things that are in common. You know,
anyone in a relationship knows that those small things sometimes
(12:05):
really make a huge difference because you start having pizza
and Shakespeare. One slice of pizza could lead to the
whole pie. That is a card waiting to happen. I'm
gonna sell um. So yeah, just these really small stupid
things that you sense, uh, you know, someone like you
and that is attractive to us. And you know what
(12:27):
also helps what ovulation. If you're you know, if you're
Filipian tubes or are shooting a shoe little egg down there,
your chances of seeing a dude will strike your fancy
way higher again because it beat draw on to you
because of the need to mate, even if you don't
(12:47):
necessarily want to kid at that that moment. We talked
about that on the uh, you know, subliminal signs of
ovulation and the ways women and men are attracted to
each other during that time of the month. Um, but yeah,
it's kind of weird that all these factors have to
be in line, which is why, you know, maybe love
at first sight seems so rare because how often is
(13:07):
it that you see a perfect genetic specimen who's not
too similar, who is meeting all your love map qualifications
while you're ovulating, and that's really hard to do well,
and and they have to look back at you. Yes,
this was one of the most interesting concepts with his
whole love of first sight thing is that we think
(13:29):
a lot about we'd like to frame it as this
quest for the other, whereas when it really comes down
to it, it's kind of a quest for It's a
more narcissistic quest for validation of yourself because you know,
to take your story, Kristen, both of you saw each other, right,
he saw you, you saw him, and we but we
(13:50):
weren't looking back at each other either time. Okay, Well, see,
now let's say you've had locked eyes. The chances that
you would have talked that night probably go up like
a thousand percent. Certainly, you know, if he had looked
and see me, I was looking at him, become cross
through that sees people he might have because that's what
one researcher said was that what we are most attracted
(14:11):
to is someone who was attracted to us. And so
if you know, if that fellow had seen you looking back,
he would have had that sort of you know, nudge
of um, you know, a self esteem boost like yeah
she does like me, she check, maybe she's interested, Maybe
I've got a shot. Body language starts playing a factor
you could have been, you know, sending the eyes to
each other, the crazy love eyes, and it might just
(14:33):
look like crazy eyes when I said them, well yeah
that's a common problem. Um, but yeah, they're saying that,
you know, that most important factor is someone who's going
to look back at you and um, you know, reaffirm
all the things you find attractive about yourself. So if
you do find someone attractive, they say, that's when you
got to start playing that old body language game like hey,
come over here. And there's also, um, this idea of
(14:58):
an attractiveness halo too. If you see someone you know,
if Molly, I'm sure if you if you ran too
John Ham and he was like, Molly, I love your podcast,
you would be sold because we will also if we
find someone physically attractive without knowing much about them at all,
we will fill in the blanks of their characteristics and
(15:20):
just kind of assume that they are gonna match us
personality wise. Yeah, and so that I think that's where
you get start get into the situation of is that
love or is it something else? Because we think that
love can be based on knowing someone completely and everything
minus that halo. But you know what, here's another hallmark
card for you. You can't put a time limit on love.
(15:42):
You can't put a time on it on love or
you know, we also have to remember the social constructs
of you know, love and relationships and dating and what
we're told is and isn't this or that? Yeah, I
mean we're told we have to date someone for you know,
a set number of dates before we could say I
love you. You know, if your brain knows, your brain knows,
And a lot of neuroscience has been done on this
to say that, uh, you know. Helen Fisher gave this
(16:03):
three minutes. One nerve scientists gave a point two seconds
what she said, that's how long it takes for those
love hormones to flood your brain when you see someone
that's barely a glance, how could you even know what
they look like for point two seconds? You know that
brain works fast. I went through your love map like that.
You saw a good match, and your brain is already
feeling all the chemical rush of hormones and it is
(16:27):
being rewired for love. So you know, we have to
kind of let go. I think of uh that that
uh certain date rule before you can feel love. Sometimes
it seems if the science holds up, you can feel love.
And it's such as a as a statistics and neuroscience
nut as I can be needing, needing facts to be provable.
I will say the fact that the moment, the split second,
(16:52):
I don't know how many seconds it was of just
seeing that person is such a clear memory in my
in my brain, so clear. I mean I remember everything
about it, exactly where it was, um and what he
was wearing, all of it. That something happened, you know,
it makes me. It makes me I don't know that
I believe a hunter percent, but well, and the fact
(17:13):
that it did turn into a relationship. I think, um
that love at first sight can be a backward looking phenomenon.
I mean, if nothing had happened, you would have been like, oh,
that was a cool moment but then but I wouldn't
have remembered it. Yeah, but the fact that you actually
got together afterward it made a nice part to your
love story, like, oh, you know, here's how I met
And by the way, we both knew as soon as
we saw each other something was going on. And whereas
(17:34):
you know, if let's say a relationship and it really badly,
people who might be telling that story later would probably
forget that part about the lot of first sight. So
it's something that kind of can stand there while you
are in a relationship with that person. I think. So
we want to know what you all think out there,
is love at first sight possible? Has it happened to you?
Send your gushy stories our way mom stuff at house
(17:57):
steff works dot com, And in the meantime it's an
email or two. I have one here signed Minneapolis Mom
and it was about our podcast on Duelas and Midwives,
and she writes, I was thrilled to listen to your
podcast about this because I always hope the women will
go into the birthing process being as informed as possible.
(18:18):
And my first daughter in a hospital with a certified
nurse wife nurse midwife to dulas, one was in training,
and my husband. Although I had a wonderful and supportive
certified nurse midwife at the birth, the hospital rotates obi's
and CNMs, so you never know we will be on
duty when you deliver. Having a DULA present meant that
I could rely on a consistent nurturing person to support me.
My duelas dripped my back, kept me hydrated, help me breathe,
(18:40):
and most of all, had unwavering faith in me. I
was able to birth a nine and a half pound
baby with no drugs or medical interventions. My second daughter
was a planned home birth. I had her in a
birthing tab and was supported by two midwives, one in training,
a duelah, and my husband. It was truly the most beautiful, peaceful,
and fulfilling moments in my life. I felt like my
daughter was brought into the world surrounded by jen, tollness
(19:00):
and love. I realized that home bursts are not for everyone,
but as I mentioned above, it's always my hope that
I will take the time to truly inform themselves about
the different options. Well, I've got an email here from
Natasha about our beer podcast, and Natasha, You're welcome because
in parentheses you wrote, I'd love it if you read
this on the show. Dreams do Come true. All lonesome um,
(19:23):
she says. For the longest time, I drank a certain
brand of beer because it tasted good. Then I started
seeing these horrible commercials with tightly clothed, big busty women
in it that behave like they didn't have a brain
cell in their heads, and it just irked me so
much I quit drinking it. Then I discovered sam Adams,
which has commercials about the factory, what products they use,
(19:43):
and who makes the beer. That shows me that they
have so much pride in their beer that they don't
need to do marketing that the others do. Plus it
tastes so good, and ever since then, I've been a
sam Adams girl. Also, I haven't had anyone comment or
tell me that I'm unladylike for drinking beer us believe
it or not. My six ft tall, two pound work
out for an hour every day. Ex Marine older brother
(20:05):
drinks get this wine coolers and I dare someone to
call him girly. So if you've got an email us
in our way the addresses mom stuff at how stuffworks
dot com. You can also hit us up on Facebook
and on Twitter. You can follow us there at mom
Stuff podcast. And finally, you can read our blog during
the week, It's stuff Mom Never told You from how
(20:29):
stuff Works dot com. For more on this and thousands
of other topics, is it how stuff works dot com.
To learn more about the podcast, clock on the podcast
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(20:54):
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