Monday Mini: Compulsory Heterosexuality

What is compulsory heterosexuality, and why is it so insidious?

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm open to stuff.
I'll never tell your protection of iHeartRadio. And today is
December eleventh, twenty twenty five. We're getting towards the end
of the year, and as mentioned, we're trying to for

(00:27):
now do lighter topics. January is going to come in
like a wrecking ball, I think. But as we're moving
through this, we're trying to do lighter topics and I've
kind of failed at picking. I thought I had one
with this one, and I didn't. I don't know what
I was thinking. But we are talking about compulsory heterosexuality today,

(00:49):
or compet and I've been thinking about this for a
lot for a while because of our discussion around the
you know, as having a boyfriend, embarrassing thing, the normal
gay discourse that's happening too. So I just kind of
was like, and also, to be honest with you, I've
seen this playing out in some fandoms recently, so I'm like,

(01:12):
let's just talk about what this is. So we actually
have talked about this before, but yes, yes, But to
define compulsory heterosexuality is the idea that heterosexuality is something
that is enforced by the patriarchy as the norm. It
is an internalized feeling that keeps queer people from questioning

(01:37):
or coming out or exploring their sexuality. It's related to
terms like heteronormativity and internalized homophobia, but they're not the
same thing. Heteronormativity is sort of the thing that leads
to compulsory heterosexuality. It impacts everyone, even if you didn't
grow up in a homophobic environment, and even if you

(02:00):
are straight. The term compulsory heterosexuality originated with Adrian Rich's
nineteen eighty essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and the Lesbian Experience, which
largely focused on women straight and gay, but women. Here's
a quote from a Cosmopolitan article about it. According to
sex writer Cheyenne M. Davis, compulsory heterosexuality is the notion

(02:24):
that heterosexuality is the only valid sexuality and that everyone
should be is expected to be straight. It is harmful
to queer, trans, and or nonsysgender folk. They say it
erases and demonizes these identities while simultaneously trying to force
us to adopt a system where we must perform straightness

(02:46):
and ciseness. So I have told this story before, but
I assumed I couldn't be gay for a long time,
like up until after college. Even when I realized I
probably was, and I prayed I was wrong. I thought
I could fix it, which is a horrible way to think,
but that's what I thought. And I was the town

(03:08):
feminist and I thought this, and I tried so hard
to fit in and be quote normal, which in this
case would mean not queer. And when my ex and
I started dating my last ex, he told me pretty
much everyone in his friend group already assumed we were
dating and or that I was sending out signals, and

(03:30):
I truly just thought we were friends and I liked
hanging out with him. I'm not saying that it never
works that way, that you know you're sending signals or whatever,
but that's that's sort of what we're talking about here.
Like even in elementary school, of kids at the opposite
sex start hanging out, you're like, ooh, are y all dating?
Or when I felt like I had to start dating anyway,

(03:52):
when I honestly never really wanted to, but all my
friends were and it would be obvious if I was
the one that was not. It shows up a million
different ways, and it is harmful just to reiterate someone
being with someone of the opposite sex does not mean
they aren't gay, just say it. Bisexuality exist, internalized homophobia exist,

(04:16):
aging and learning exist, and compulsory heterosexuality or compet impacts everybody,
like I said, even straight folks. In Richest Essays You
suggests that the whole heterosexuality thing as default is patriarchal political.
It's an institution to a certain legal and social control

(04:38):
over women, to make them dependent on men who are
meant to control them or keep them in line maintain
the norm. She writes, women have married because it was
necessary in order to survive. We may faithfully or ambivalently
have obeyed the institution, but our feelings and our sensuality
have not been tamed or contained with in it. I

(05:01):
would also add that coming out as gay has and
is not always safe. You've got straight privilege people want
to hang on to. For people growing up during the
AIDS epidemic, for instance, you may have been watching the
news and essentially see like, oh, they got what they deserved,
or hear things like it's unnatural. It can lead to

(05:22):
discrimination that directly impacts your life. This is also related
to straight performativeness or learned straightness, and it could lead
to pressure for finding a partner of the opposite sex
to prove your straightness or to fit in to societal norms,
even if you don't feel a desire or true want
to do so, as well as oppressing your own sexuality

(05:44):
and feelings of shame and guilt that you might have.
This is reinforced by the whole It's just a phase,
you'll grow out of it thing, or you haven't found
the right guy yet. Lesbians are also often sexualized the
male gays in our media, so there's that For queer people.

(06:05):
This can lead to a feeling of being othered or abnormal, isolated,
and scared back to the control Rich was talking about
in her essay. So this can manifest in a lot

(06:27):
of ways. Financially socially, are just wearing women down in
these relationships, which is something else we've been talking about
a lot lately. Women still bear the brunt of domestic task, childcare,
and even relationship cares, and they're taking care of the
man where they might not be doing the same thing.
So maybe you're too tired to fight the patriarchy because

(06:50):
you got all this other stuff that is wearing you
out Rich also asserts that relationships with other women, platonic
or not, are often more rewarding. Obviously, some things have
changed since nineteen eighty, though not as much as we
would like. It is not as scandalous to be a

(07:12):
single woman anymore, but it still kind of is. In
examining this essay now, some point out that in some instances,
people are more accepting of two women getting married than
a straight woman choosing singlehood, and that you could argue
that compulsory heterosexuality should more accurately include coupling at the end,

(07:35):
as in they want people to be together. Notably, some
women have spoken about how they actually are attracted to men,
but the idea of marrying one makes them feel trapped,
so they don't even if it's what they want, but
they don't. Also, just to say it's okay when someone

(07:56):
is fine to be alone, that's all right. You've said
it before, and Jelly Luz brought this topic back into
the zeitgeist in her twenty eighteen Tumblr post called Ami
a Lesbian. In it, she says compulsory heterosexuality easily ties
in with the misogyny that causes women sexualities and identities

(08:18):
to be defined by our relationships with men, and then
later says, when you're trained from childhood to see romantic
slash sexual relationships with men and only men as major
like goals, how do you separate that from what you want?
You can still find this online, by the way, and
it's broken down if you're questioning my lesbian this whole

(08:39):
thing for you, And as I said, we have come
a long way, but this is still very much a thing.
As I said, I see it everywhere and it was
actually a fandom thing that brought this up for me.
It's clear a lot of folks don't know about it
or think it doesn't eat. So preaching to the choir here.

(09:03):
But if you feel like this is something you're struggling with,
there are a couple things experts suggest. One is educating
yourself so you're already there by listening to this self reflection,
putting yourself in a new environment, there is truth to
the whole move out of a small town or go
to a city or go to college this type thing,

(09:25):
finding support through friends or family or groups, therapy, And
on the flip side, if someone comes out to you,
being supportive and avoiding seeing things like oh really, I
never would have known. I don't think I never would
have thought you were gay, because that's kind of reinforcing, like,

(09:46):
oh you fit in so naturally in quotes. So yeah,
that again, much bigger topic. We're just gonna have to
come back to this. I did not intend to put
myself in this situation, but here is a primer and listeners.
If you have any thoughts about it, anything you would
really like us to touch on when we revisit, please

(10:09):
let us know. You can email us at Hello at
Stephfonnever Told You dot com. You can find us on
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(10:29):
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and a contributor Joey. Thank you and thanks to you
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