September 1, 2025 • 12 mins
What is self-silencing, and how does it impact women, and their health, specifically?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Welcome stuff. I've never
told your protection by her idio.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And we have this episode due to my constant watching
of social media. And you know what, it's something we
need to talk about because it definitely as a concern
for women's health and what we're speaking about on this Monday,
MANI is self silencing, which I've never heard of as
a term. I feel like I hear new things that
have been around for a very long time and we
(00:40):
just know of it without the term. But yeah, self silencing.
So according to Newport Institute dot com, it is the
tendency to engage in compulsive caretaking, people pleasing, and not
expressing one's self. Most often, people self silence in order
to preserve a significant relationship. Oh boy, and this may
(01:02):
be another one of those for many of y'all, including
you any and myself, where we were like, are you
talking to me? Stop that type of conversation, and yeah
we are. Again if you're wondering why we're talking about this, well,
it's because women have been more socialized in practicing this
specific style and by the way, it's killing them essentially.
(01:26):
I'm not being dramatic. I am a little dramatic sometimes
for sure, for sure, but this is for real, for real.
This has been a thing for a while now, and
the specific conversation is several years old as in fact,
I think this originated in the eighties and then was
written out again in nineteen ninety one, and then researched
again in the last four years, because at first it
(01:47):
was noted as it affected one thing, and they're like, wait, oh,
affects this whole thing. So anyway, all of that, let's
get into it, all right, So this theory of self
silencing has been studied for a while. In fact, one researcher,
Dana Jack, started this in the eighties. I said nineteen
ninety one because I believe that's when her book was published,
But it started in the eighties. Here's a bit from
(02:09):
a paper published in ScienceDirect dot com and reflecting about
this study. It says self silencing is a rational strategy
employed to ward off any confrontation in the relationship and
to maintain intimacy and safety. Safety is being a key word.
Women tend to silence their thoughts, feelings, and defer their
own needs to uphold a significant other's need. As a result,
(02:32):
there are feelings of suppressed anger, which can gradually lead
to expressing loss of self. And they do specifically talk
about anger, I think because women oftentimes repress that suppress
that I guess more than any other feelings, because you know,
we can be a little bit crying all these things.
But anger is not typically known for women unless you're
a black woman. And that's a connotation which is supposed
(02:54):
to be a negative because you know, racism. Anyway, back
to Dana Jack, the one who has been researching this
phenomenon since the eighties, is credited with identifying this specific
pattern in women. And though it was originally in the
context of declining mental health and eating disorders, the last
few years they have switched that up and showing that, oh,
(03:16):
this actually affects physical health in women as well, and
it does very deeply. From a Time dot com article
written by Mattel Eyall, and I believe she is also
a psychologist, she writes, women's self silencing has also been
linked to higher risk of premature death. In one study,
researchers followed nearly four thousand people in Framingham, Massachusetts over
ten years. They found that women who didn't express themselves
(03:39):
when they had fights with their spouses were four times
more likely to die than those who did. This was
true even when factors such as age, blood pressure, smoking,
and levels of cholesterol were taken into account. So even
with all of those things, if you are trying to
hold back your anger because it wasn't ladylike of you
(04:00):
could kill you in death. This causes death. That out
the one more time. Okay, I feel like here we
could insert again the whole chill, cool partner, vibe girlfriend
wife narrative. You know, she doesn't have any emotions. He's
just so cool and an easygoing type of person. And
(04:22):
we know that is something that is elevated especially in
I don't know, tradwife culture. Yeah, with that out there,
the one where we expect women to be non reactive,
have no problems, not to be too emotional. Yeah. So
again from that time article, they write, when women push
their feelings down and cast their needs aside, their health suffers.
(04:47):
But it can be difficult for women to do otherwise
in a culture that celebrates these self silencing practices. While
young women are praised for being chill, moms are revered
for being painstakingly all struistic to the point of self obligation.
These unspoken standards establish a vicious cycle. For many women,
(05:08):
it feels easier beneficial even to silence their knees at
the expense of their own health, rather than swim against
the prevailing cultural current. This was written in twenty twenty
three when we were like, oh, things are going bad,
and now at twenty twenty five, Yeah, I think I'm
hoping that at this point more of us are coming
out into like, no, I'm angry and I'm gonna yell
(05:29):
at you. That's where we need to be. I love
the season of the clapback. Let's go so From the
Newport Institute dot com article, they write, as much as
parents try to raise children without gender bias, girls are
still brought up to be more sensitive to the knees, desire,
and expectation of others. As they grow, their kindness can
(05:51):
involve into avoidance of conflict. To maintain relationships, young women
may adopt a cool girl facade, trying to be someone
who rolls with the punches and is reliably chill. Mothers
may put their knees on the back burner to the
point of exhaustion. Self silencing can be common among women
who suffer from perfectionism or echoismo. Long enough silence for
(06:14):
everybody to hear that last part. Yeah, okay, so again perfectionism,
the perfect mom, the perfect wife that could be, all
the things to have it all, a type of person
being the perfect daughter, being the perfect employee. So many
things to add to this, And which is like if
you are quiet, the one who doesn't cause a stir,
that's in the corner, that just gets their work done.
(06:37):
Not so healthy, y'all. Not so healthy. Maybe this is
why the loud, obnoxious people are living longer, Maybe because
they're not being stifled and everybody just excuses them. And again,
as a reminder to add to that, self silencing is
killing you. So from ortho Atlanta dot com, which by
(07:10):
the way, is a part of the Piedmont Healthcare is Atlanta.
So this came from one of our hospitals here, they say,
in a study of women aged forty to sixty, those
who suffered from self silencing had an increased risk of
having plaque in their carotid arteries. That additional plaque could
potentially lead to heart attack, stroke, and other cardiovascular trouble.
The researchers note, we're gonna die of heart attacks, which
(07:32):
by the way, is not really easily detected in women
and hadn't been actually looked at because the symptoms are
different for women than men until recently. So many factors
feel as they are doing this on purpose, trying to
kill this. Yes, moving on back to that Newport article,
they write, self silencing has even been linked to the
higher risk of premature death among women, and one study
(07:53):
researchers followed four hundred and ninety three men and fifteen
hundred and one women married or in a domestic party
over ten years. Women who reported that they always or
usually stayed quiet in the face of conflict had the
highest risk of premature death compared to women who didn't
report self silencing. This was true even when age, blood pressure, smoking,
(08:15):
and cholesterol levels were taken into account. Once again, and
if you needed a little check off list, here you go.
Newport gave us ten signs you may be self silencing.
You ready, This is from their site directly being influenced
by others opinions more than your own, feeling responsible for
other people's feelings, not knowing how you feel because you're
(08:36):
so focused on how others feel, not speaking up in
intimate relationships, for fear of inciting conflict, finding it hard
to be yourself in a close relationship, looking happy on
the surface but feeling angry and agitated inside, consistently putting
others needs before your own, fear of ever appearing selfish,
(08:57):
feeling that your partner doesn't know your true self, and
never measuring up to the standards you set up for yourself.
Did you check that at any of those boxes?
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Question?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Moving on, so what do we do about the situation?
What can we do? So? From that Times dot Com article,
they say, rather than women treating our emotions as inconvenient
bodily malfunctions are best to be muted and ignored, we
can teach ourselves to view them as windows of insight
(09:32):
instead of casting away our anger a valuable question, Or
we can ask ourselves in moments of frustration, is what
am I needing right now? We love a good reflection
and The Newport Institute also talks about the following things
increase your self awareness. They say, you can't begin to
change your behavior unless you're aware of it in a
(09:55):
journal or with a counselor friends. Ask yourself some basic questions.
When did I again self silencing and why? Or any
of those things that you checked off. When did I
start doing these things? Why do I continue to self silence?
What's my greatest fear if I express myself? And what
do I get out of self silencing? Death? Death? Was death? Anyway,
(10:17):
So the next time you feel like you can't talk
about these things, maybe you step back and see why
put down the nose of what you're doing at this
point and why you're having to hold back. They also
say a few of these other things that you can
do and you should do. Prioritize your needs, set boundaries,
(10:38):
don't be afraid to disappoint people. And that's the one
I have struggles with. Know your worth, get help you know,
that's that part of like, you know, if we can
do it, if you can't, re understand. So I tried
these other things that we have mentioned. There's a lot
to remember, especially in this time where everything makes me angry,
(11:02):
especially if you're a marginalized person. Everything makes me angry.
So we have to come together and realize self silencing
trying to navigate into just quiet, which, by the way,
I think that could be also gray rocking, which I'm
interested in having a conversation about. In the relationship. I
feel like these battles are so hard and these way
(11:24):
of us trying to survive is not helping us to survive.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
M Well, I know a lot of listeners. I'm sure
that you can relate. It is something I do think
a lot of us have come through and experienced. So
if you would like to contact us about it, or
(11:51):
if you have any tips or resources about it, please
let us know. You can email us at Hello at
step on every tour com You can find us on
Blue Sky at moms Up podcast, or on Instagram and
TikTok at stuff I Never Told You. We're also on YouTube.
We have some merch at Cotton Bureau you can check
(12:11):
that out. And we have a book you can get
wherever you get your books. Thanks as always to our
super producer Christina or executive producer and your contributor Joey.
Thank you and thanks to you for listening Stuff Never
Told You instruction of my Heart Radio. For more podcasts
from my Heart Radio, you can check out the heart
Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Welcome stuff. I've never
told your protection by her idio.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And we have this episode due to my constant watching
of social media. And you know what, it's something we
need to talk about because it definitely as a concern
for women's health and what we're speaking about on this Monday,
MANI is self silencing, which I've never heard of as
a term. I feel like I hear new things that
have been around for a very long time and we
(00:40):
just know of it without the term. But yeah, self silencing.
So according to Newport Institute dot com, it is the
tendency to engage in compulsive caretaking, people pleasing, and not
expressing one's self. Most often, people self silence in order
to preserve a significant relationship. Oh boy, and this may
(01:02):
be another one of those for many of y'all, including
you any and myself, where we were like, are you
talking to me? Stop that type of conversation, and yeah
we are. Again if you're wondering why we're talking about this, well,
it's because women have been more socialized in practicing this
specific style and by the way, it's killing them essentially.
(01:26):
I'm not being dramatic. I am a little dramatic sometimes
for sure, for sure, but this is for real, for real.
This has been a thing for a while now, and
the specific conversation is several years old as in fact,
I think this originated in the eighties and then was
written out again in nineteen ninety one, and then researched
again in the last four years, because at first it
(01:47):
was noted as it affected one thing, and they're like, wait, oh,
affects this whole thing. So anyway, all of that, let's
get into it, all right, So this theory of self
silencing has been studied for a while. In fact, one researcher,
Dana Jack, started this in the eighties. I said nineteen
ninety one because I believe that's when her book was published,
But it started in the eighties. Here's a bit from
(02:09):
a paper published in ScienceDirect dot com and reflecting about
this study. It says self silencing is a rational strategy
employed to ward off any confrontation in the relationship and
to maintain intimacy and safety. Safety is being a key word.
Women tend to silence their thoughts, feelings, and defer their
own needs to uphold a significant other's need. As a result,
(02:32):
there are feelings of suppressed anger, which can gradually lead
to expressing loss of self. And they do specifically talk
about anger, I think because women oftentimes repress that suppress
that I guess more than any other feelings, because you know,
we can be a little bit crying all these things.
But anger is not typically known for women unless you're
a black woman. And that's a connotation which is supposed
(02:54):
to be a negative because you know, racism. Anyway, back
to Dana Jack, the one who has been researching this
phenomenon since the eighties, is credited with identifying this specific
pattern in women. And though it was originally in the
context of declining mental health and eating disorders, the last
few years they have switched that up and showing that, oh,
(03:16):
this actually affects physical health in women as well, and
it does very deeply. From a Time dot com article
written by Mattel Eyall, and I believe she is also
a psychologist, she writes, women's self silencing has also been
linked to higher risk of premature death. In one study,
researchers followed nearly four thousand people in Framingham, Massachusetts over
ten years. They found that women who didn't express themselves
(03:39):
when they had fights with their spouses were four times
more likely to die than those who did. This was
true even when factors such as age, blood pressure, smoking,
and levels of cholesterol were taken into account. So even
with all of those things, if you are trying to
hold back your anger because it wasn't ladylike of you
(04:00):
could kill you in death. This causes death. That out
the one more time. Okay, I feel like here we
could insert again the whole chill, cool partner, vibe girlfriend
wife narrative. You know, she doesn't have any emotions. He's
just so cool and an easygoing type of person. And
(04:22):
we know that is something that is elevated especially in
I don't know, tradwife culture. Yeah, with that out there,
the one where we expect women to be non reactive,
have no problems, not to be too emotional. Yeah. So
again from that time article, they write, when women push
their feelings down and cast their needs aside, their health suffers.
(04:47):
But it can be difficult for women to do otherwise
in a culture that celebrates these self silencing practices. While
young women are praised for being chill, moms are revered
for being painstakingly all struistic to the point of self obligation.
These unspoken standards establish a vicious cycle. For many women,
(05:08):
it feels easier beneficial even to silence their knees at
the expense of their own health, rather than swim against
the prevailing cultural current. This was written in twenty twenty
three when we were like, oh, things are going bad,
and now at twenty twenty five, Yeah, I think I'm
hoping that at this point more of us are coming
out into like, no, I'm angry and I'm gonna yell
(05:29):
at you. That's where we need to be. I love
the season of the clapback. Let's go so From the
Newport Institute dot com article, they write, as much as
parents try to raise children without gender bias, girls are
still brought up to be more sensitive to the knees, desire,
and expectation of others. As they grow, their kindness can
(05:51):
involve into avoidance of conflict. To maintain relationships, young women
may adopt a cool girl facade, trying to be someone
who rolls with the punches and is reliably chill. Mothers
may put their knees on the back burner to the
point of exhaustion. Self silencing can be common among women
who suffer from perfectionism or echoismo. Long enough silence for
(06:14):
everybody to hear that last part. Yeah, okay, so again perfectionism,
the perfect mom, the perfect wife that could be, all
the things to have it all, a type of person
being the perfect daughter, being the perfect employee. So many
things to add to this, And which is like if
you are quiet, the one who doesn't cause a stir,
that's in the corner, that just gets their work done.
(06:37):
Not so healthy, y'all. Not so healthy. Maybe this is
why the loud, obnoxious people are living longer, Maybe because
they're not being stifled and everybody just excuses them. And again,
as a reminder to add to that, self silencing is
killing you. So from ortho Atlanta dot com, which by
(07:10):
the way, is a part of the Piedmont Healthcare is Atlanta.
So this came from one of our hospitals here, they say,
in a study of women aged forty to sixty, those
who suffered from self silencing had an increased risk of
having plaque in their carotid arteries. That additional plaque could
potentially lead to heart attack, stroke, and other cardiovascular trouble.
The researchers note, we're gonna die of heart attacks, which
(07:32):
by the way, is not really easily detected in women
and hadn't been actually looked at because the symptoms are
different for women than men until recently. So many factors
feel as they are doing this on purpose, trying to
kill this. Yes, moving on back to that Newport article,
they write, self silencing has even been linked to the
higher risk of premature death among women, and one study
(07:53):
researchers followed four hundred and ninety three men and fifteen
hundred and one women married or in a domestic party
over ten years. Women who reported that they always or
usually stayed quiet in the face of conflict had the
highest risk of premature death compared to women who didn't
report self silencing. This was true even when age, blood pressure, smoking,
(08:15):
and cholesterol levels were taken into account. Once again, and
if you needed a little check off list, here you go.
Newport gave us ten signs you may be self silencing.
You ready, This is from their site directly being influenced
by others opinions more than your own, feeling responsible for
other people's feelings, not knowing how you feel because you're
(08:36):
so focused on how others feel, not speaking up in
intimate relationships, for fear of inciting conflict, finding it hard
to be yourself in a close relationship, looking happy on
the surface but feeling angry and agitated inside, consistently putting
others needs before your own, fear of ever appearing selfish,
(08:57):
feeling that your partner doesn't know your true self, and
never measuring up to the standards you set up for yourself.
Did you check that at any of those boxes?
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Question?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Moving on, so what do we do about the situation?
What can we do? So? From that Times dot Com article,
they say, rather than women treating our emotions as inconvenient
bodily malfunctions are best to be muted and ignored, we
can teach ourselves to view them as windows of insight
(09:32):
instead of casting away our anger a valuable question, Or
we can ask ourselves in moments of frustration, is what
am I needing right now? We love a good reflection
and The Newport Institute also talks about the following things
increase your self awareness. They say, you can't begin to
change your behavior unless you're aware of it in a
(09:55):
journal or with a counselor friends. Ask yourself some basic questions.
When did I again self silencing and why? Or any
of those things that you checked off. When did I
start doing these things? Why do I continue to self silence?
What's my greatest fear if I express myself? And what
do I get out of self silencing? Death? Death? Was death? Anyway,
(10:17):
So the next time you feel like you can't talk
about these things, maybe you step back and see why
put down the nose of what you're doing at this
point and why you're having to hold back. They also
say a few of these other things that you can
do and you should do. Prioritize your needs, set boundaries,
(10:38):
don't be afraid to disappoint people. And that's the one
I have struggles with. Know your worth, get help you know,
that's that part of like, you know, if we can
do it, if you can't, re understand. So I tried
these other things that we have mentioned. There's a lot
to remember, especially in this time where everything makes me angry,
(11:02):
especially if you're a marginalized person. Everything makes me angry.
So we have to come together and realize self silencing
trying to navigate into just quiet, which, by the way,
I think that could be also gray rocking, which I'm
interested in having a conversation about. In the relationship. I
feel like these battles are so hard and these way
(11:24):
of us trying to survive is not helping us to survive.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
M Well, I know a lot of listeners. I'm sure
that you can relate. It is something I do think
a lot of us have come through and experienced. So
if you would like to contact us about it, or
(11:51):
if you have any tips or resources about it, please
let us know. You can email us at Hello at
step on every tour com You can find us on
Blue Sky at moms Up podcast, or on Instagram and
TikTok at stuff I Never Told You. We're also on YouTube.
We have some merch at Cotton Bureau you can check
(12:11):
that out. And we have a book you can get
wherever you get your books. Thanks as always to our
super producer Christina or executive producer and your contributor Joey.
Thank you and thanks to you for listening Stuff Never
Told You instruction of my Heart Radio. For more podcasts
from my Heart Radio, you can check out the heart
Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
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