Monday Mini: Vicarious Embarrassment

After an awkward experience at a high school play, Samantha discusses vicarious embarrassment and how it impacts her. Meanwhile Anney showcases her stubbornness and relives that one time she made her parents watch a spicy episode of Roswell. You know the one.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and what could be
stuff I never told you protection, iHeart radio.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
And welcome.

Speaker 3 (00:19):
We're doing another Monday Money and we were visiting something
we just talked about on your Happy Hour. But we're
not exactly talking about that, because we were talking about
why do conservative women really like Mama and Mia? But
I'm also talking about the reaction of what is it
about watching embarrassing things with people? I can't do it?

(00:41):
It feels so painful. And my experience with watching mam
and Mia next to my very conservative older brother and
my very conservative mother was painful. Hey, does it kind
of kind of had this moment of like, I know
we've all talked about it. There's a classic episode on
Scrubs where the main character is watching Basic Instinct with

(01:03):
his grandmother, Yeah, and him like balled up in the corner,
dying inside.

Speaker 2 (01:11):
And I think we've all had that moment.

Speaker 3 (01:13):
I feel like that's just like a regular trope that
happens on especially like coming of age things. But as
an adult, I still have this moment.

Speaker 4 (01:26):
Oh, yeah, you do.

Speaker 1 (01:27):
I mean I have it too, but not to the
extent you do you Like we've heard you in like
sex and the city episodes be like the normally fast
forward through this part, You've got all these like beats
you won't want.

Speaker 4 (01:42):
Well, it's true.

Speaker 3 (01:43):
I just literally like so, I again, I really love
k dramas right now, and it's probably in the most
tame of all of the other things that I've ever watched.

Speaker 2 (01:54):
Because again we talked.

Speaker 3 (01:55):
About Bridgerton and all that, but for some reason, these things,
these linking looking kissing scenes when my partner walks in,
I shrivel and die inside a little bit, like there's
a little bit of shame. I'm like, please don't watch
this with me. And it's not because necessarily like it's
a bad scene or like.

Speaker 2 (02:13):
I'm just I don't know. There's this level of me
like bye, why And again.

Speaker 3 (02:21):
The mom of me experience having and my mom the
first thing she said, because I was like, why are
high schoolers doing this play? And she said to me
like they they tamed it down a lot, because I've
never seen the original. I care nothing about Abba. No,
I do not care. Don't care about the newer musicals.
I'm one less fan of the old school musicals where

(02:43):
it's supposed to be cheesy. I'm cool with, but like
this was one of the newer musicals, right. Having to
sit there while my niece is cracking a joke about
having slept with three different men and not knowing who
the baby daddy is.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
Was painful.

Speaker 3 (03:03):
I think at one point I looked over to my
brother and he literally was gripping his thighs because he
was down. And it may have been worse because it
is our niece, and of course her love interest is
actually her real boyfriend, which was even worse for us.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
Yeah, yeah, I mean that is definitely a whole added
layer because then it's your you know, young family member
having these conversations, and you want to support her, but
you're also like, you know.

Speaker 3 (03:40):
Her, Yes, I know these kids, and I'm like, I
don't want to ever see you kissing. Why am I
seeing this under a spotlight? I'm thinking about it. I
don't know, is it again? This may be like I
can't do secondhand embarrassment. I would rather crawl under a

(04:05):
blanket and stay there for days. It makes like talking
about it makes my face turn red, like at this
moment in time, I cannot handle. I think this is
also why I have that lingering anxiety of like did
I say something wrong, right, But it's attached to this emotion.
And I don't know if do these films do this

(04:28):
on purpose? Do these plays do this on purpose? Is
it to be relatable or is it to cause you
this much stress?

Speaker 4 (04:35):
I think both can be true.

Speaker 1 (04:37):
There's one episode of like The Office, for instance, where like, uh,
Jim and Pam come over.

Speaker 4 (04:44):
To Jan's house.

Speaker 2 (04:47):
Michael.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yes, it's like the dinner party episode and it is
the most one of the most awkward things.

Speaker 4 (04:53):
And that had to be intentional like.

Speaker 1 (04:55):
That, Yeah, absolutely, no way, they weren't trying to make
you like squirm in your seat and feel that way.

Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:03):
And I think there's a part of it that is,
you know, you are connecting to both like the characters
who feel this way, but also if you're watching it
with somebody, then you're kind of sharing this, like such
an awkward moment which we can all relate to. So
I think there is there's kind of it's it can
dovetail of both those things.

Speaker 3 (05:23):
Okay, So as as we're talking about it, I'm researching it.
And it's called actually called a vicarious embarrassment, and it
says when a person feels this embarrassment for another person
who may be damaging their social integrity. They may feel shame, ashamed,
to feel anxious, even like they need to fix it
for another person. And it says it's a tendency for
an empathetic person or people who are easily able to

(05:45):
place themselves in the shoes of others.

Speaker 2 (05:48):
So I guess that would go along with it.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
But I I.

Speaker 2 (05:52):
Do want to fix it. I want that not to
be a thing.

Speaker 3 (05:55):
I don't understand how you can face people again if
you go through that level of embarrassment, or how you
can never think about it again.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
I mean that's true, like the I like I can
you can face people. It's it's amazing how quickly, how
quickly all go from like my life is ruined to
like three days later like e but I will think
about it forever, like that part doesn't go away. But yeah,

(06:41):
I've done some really embarrassing things, for sure, some really
embarrassing things recently. But I've never done anything that I
haven't been able to come back from. Because I do,
it will be like you know, five am, and I'll yeah,
there it is that thing I did in first.

Speaker 2 (06:58):
Grade, right, thinking about those things all the time. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (07:03):
So in this article, that I pulled up. It actually
says it makes them from family trauma, different views on
religion and politics, and different groups of apathy for social
standing or pain from past family experiences, which I find
funny because I'm like my mom did drill into me
growing up. Do not embarrass me like that or do

(07:26):
not shame me like it was right. My mother probably
felt that heavily, and that if we did something, you know,
we just recently did the episode on divorce, my mother
felt that the hardest. I think my father was able
to be like, you know what, I support my daughter.
I don't love it, but this is what this is.
And he had more empathy in the understanding of it.

(07:47):
And my mother was empathetic and understanding and she supported
her child. But the guilt and heaviness of her failing
her family and this is her fault and this is
shame on her was very obvious, very obvious in the
way she would talked about how she went and talk
to certain people, how they avoided her, and she knew
it and like all of these things. So maybe it
comes from my mother as well as my level of empathy.

(08:10):
That does make more sense. But I hate it, I
really I like just thinking about some of these situations
makes me my heart.

Speaker 2 (08:22):
Like have Yeah, I can't even think about it because.

Speaker 3 (08:28):
It's so so overwhelming in that level, and like watching
anything I can't watch. I think this is also why
I don't love watching new things with people. I'm very
anxious of that, which is I don't love going to movies.
I think it's a waste of time, especially if I'm
spending time with people outside of like people like you

(08:48):
and people that I see every day, so we're already
caught up. But if I haven't like Talkdeen forever and
we go to a movie, that's odd first dates to me,
that's odd, like if I'm trying to get to know
you other than if you pick out a really bad
movie and finding your sense of humor. Maybe mm hmmm,
that is a thing I don't know, but yeah, I
think maybe that's another part of like.

Speaker 2 (09:09):
I don't want any of this.

Speaker 3 (09:15):
In my life if I don't want to experience this
with you, especially if I don't trust you. Even if
I do trust you, I don't want to experience this
with you.

Speaker 4 (09:23):
Mm hmm. I've seen you run away from a room.

Speaker 3 (09:25):
Before I have I run away from the room if
it's shameful, I'm like, I know what's happening.

Speaker 2 (09:30):
I gotta go away.

Speaker 5 (09:31):
Or if it's too sad, yeah, I've seen that before.
I was like, if this is gonna damage me, I
gotta go. You're just taking care of yourself.

Speaker 3 (09:41):
It's good.

Speaker 4 (09:45):
I like the opposite. So once. I think I've told
this story before because it was so oh my god.

Speaker 1 (09:53):
Most of the like minor fights I got in with
my dad when I was a kid, was about the
TV because we only had one.

Speaker 4 (09:58):
TV, so like fighting over like what are we going
to watch?

Speaker 1 (10:02):
And I was really into the show Roswell, and I
just like fought so hard to watch it. And I
bet some of you have watched that show. You know
exactly what episode I'm talking about. If it's called Sexual
Healing and they basically Liz and Max had have sex
so he wouldn't die. And like multiple times, by the way, yes, well.

Speaker 2 (10:21):
You've done this episode, and I'm shocked every time.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
Yes, And I was like a fourteen year old sitting
on the couch my entire family in there, who had
fought so hard to watch this episode instead like it's
gonna be nothing bad, It's gonna happen in it, like, well,
it'll be fine, my younger brother can watch it, and
I was determined to not. I'd made zero comments. I
didn't look around. I acted like this was totally normal.

(10:46):
I will not be the first to admit this is
incredibly awkward for.

Speaker 4 (10:50):
All of us.

Speaker 2 (10:52):
I have to crack jokes.

Speaker 4 (10:54):
That's my I mean, that probably would have been the
better way to do it, but I don't know.

Speaker 3 (10:58):
I think that's not necessary because it makes usually makes
it worse. I feel like, but yeah, my thing is
like I'm gonna lie. Oh well, I wasn't expecting that
You're welcome run away.

Speaker 2 (11:12):
That's the other other thing is to run away.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yes, I just say, I'm like a like a turtle,
like no, yeah, I'm gonna stay here and we're going
to watch this and I'm not going to say anything
about it.

Speaker 3 (11:26):
I love that you're the stubborness that I will do this.
That's where I would have turned it immediately. I will
also do that if something comes awkward.

Speaker 2 (11:32):
I was like, oh, I forgot this part. Let's watch
something else.

Speaker 5 (11:36):
You want you want?

Speaker 2 (11:36):
You want something to eat?

Speaker 1 (11:39):
To eat?

Speaker 2 (11:40):
That's my automatic response.

Speaker 3 (11:43):
God, I don't know, Like obviously, thinking about it now,
the idea that this embarrassment and the level of empathy
go hand in hand. But I really wish I could
at least like the fact that I'm panicking as we're
talking about the situation, because I'm picturing what has happened.

Speaker 2 (11:58):
Every time you talk about the sex of the citio,
like I picture it, I'm like, oh my god. And
because I don't like it.

Speaker 3 (12:05):
And though I have probably watched that scene the least,
I hate it more like it's more it's more like
prevalent and I know exactly what happens.

Speaker 1 (12:14):
That's funny because I'm finding through the hanging out with
you and watching some stuff you like and of course
do fan fiction. That's a big rom Colm Trope kind
of surprised really, the like accidental it's not always like
nudity involved, but the.

Speaker 3 (12:32):
Accidental high or like thinking that someone's interested. Yeah, I
feel like that level of her confronting him. And if
y'all know know what we're talking about, it was a
recent episode which she thinks a dude is like trying
to pick her up through the window, and it turns
out he was trying to pick up someone else, like
a floor below her. And she had the audacity to
go talk to him after showing off a booby. That's

(12:55):
what I hate the most only. Oh so, anyway, thanks
for going down this road. I'm now currently sweaty talking about.

Speaker 4 (13:08):
You're welcome. I'm here for you.

Speaker 1 (13:14):
I was tempted to tell you some of my more
embarrassing stories, but I think I'll space them out. Thank you.

Speaker 3 (13:20):
I want to know it because I like, at least
I'm not watching it. If I'm watching it, it's even
like that's where I fall apart. I think hearing about it,
I'm like, oh.

Speaker 2 (13:28):
No no, but then watch it.

Speaker 4 (13:31):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's all right.

Speaker 1 (13:36):
Okay, you take some deep breasts after this, yes, yes, well,
thank you for sharing.

Speaker 4 (13:45):
If any listeners can relate, I bet you can. Please.

Speaker 1 (13:48):
You can email us at Steffie mol Stuff at iHeartMedia
dot com. You can find us on Twitter at Momstep
Podcast or Instagram and TikTok at Steffone.

Speaker 4 (13:55):
Never Told You.

Speaker 1 (13:55):
You can also find us on YouTube, and we have
a book that you can pre order, a Stuff you
Should Read book dot com. Thanks as always to our
super producer Christina, our executive producer Maya, and our contributor Joey,
thank you and thanks to you for listening.

Speaker 4 (14:07):
Stefan ever told you his prediction by Heart Radio.

Speaker 1 (14:08):
For more podcast from my Heart Radio, you can check
out the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast or where you
listen to your favorite shows,