September 13, 2025 • 28 mins
What is a midlife crisis? Do they impact women differently? We investigate in this classic episode.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Oh stuff. I never
told you production buy Heart Radio. And as this comes.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Out, I recently had a birthday, Samantha, You're coming up
on a birthday. And I've seen a lot of articles
about this a topic you brought to my attention years ago,
about what is the midlife crisis?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Now?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
And I actually have seen a lot of people writing
about it about what does the millennial life crisis look like?
What does all these other things look like. I was
talking to my friend the other day where it's like,
I still feel I just feel like a kid, Like
I don't feel like an adult even though I am.
(01:03):
And I know we talk about this in here, I
don't know. So I have this birthday that goes by
and I'm like, well, I still feel pretty young.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I'm still really young. It's strange, though.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
It is a bizarre thing where you're like, I should
probably feel a little bit a little bit older than
maybe more my age.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Perhaps, But it's interesting. It's interesting, especially.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Because my mom is coming over tomorrow and I don't know,
having her in my apartment with my mess of Star
Wars toys.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
It's just an interesting experience.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Understandable.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Yes, well, listeners, please write in if you have any
thoughts about this, but in the meantime, please enjoy this
classic episode. Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome
to Stefan Never told your protection of iHeart Radio.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Okay, Annie, you and I have been talking about this
for a minute, and I have sent warning texts to
all my friends about the fact that I am in
quite a place sure mentally as of late, to the
point that everybody's like, seriously, are you okay? And to
the point my partner's like, how about how about if
(02:35):
we go visit? How about we go outside? How about
we touch the grass? As the new expression goes. But
I did want to ask you, did you ever go
through what is known as quarter life crisis? Now I
know it's actually I guess this is a millennial thing
because I feel like John may I really pushed that
out in his lyrics.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Did he does he have a song about quarter life crisis?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
He literally say about having a quarter life crisis in
one of his very moody songs.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Oh that's okay.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Now I'm having to wow, thanks to meoth that I'm
having to reckon with the fact I'm at the quarter
of my life at least WHOA, I.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Don't think I have.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I've definitely had moments where but they're usually fleeting, but
I've had moments where I'm like, I've got to make
a change and like what am I doing with my
I don't oh, not have so I don't have a
significant other, I don't have all these things. And then
usually like within an hour, I'm out of it, like
I changed.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
I think it helps that I did travel a lot
when we could travel a lot, and I always was busy,
and you know, it's always hiking and stuff.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
But I don't.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Maybe it's coming, maybe it's on the horizon, but not
as yet.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
I don't think i've had one.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Okay, So the quarter life crisis, if your lifespan was
to say, eighty, would hit at twenty. So if your
lifespan goes to one hundred, it goes to twenty five, right,
So that's the quarter life And I really felt that,
and for some reason in my head I got sure
I definitely going to live to one hundred. So around
twenty five, I was like what am I.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Doing with my life?
Speaker 3 (04:21):
This all was also a part of like whether or
not I was okay with my job whether I was not.
I was trying to find my identity and trying to
figure out you know, it was during the time I
was losing a lot of my old identity as the
Asian girl wanting to be white from a small town,
from going to from conservative to oh, that doesn't make
sense anymore, doing from religious to oh yeah, I don't
(04:44):
think this is me anymore type of moments. So to me,
that was a little bit of my quarter life crisis
because religion and Christianity was a big part of who
I was so losing that really did feel like I
was losing myself and had to redefine myself. So that
kind of what's my quarter life crisis. And at this point,
(05:04):
I'm in my forties forty one. I'm still young forties,
don't get me wrong. And I know I keep saying
it like I'm going to push over at any moment,
but I'm telling you, I went to work out yesterday
for the first time in what months, I'm in pain.
Oh no, So I feel like this is even more
defined right now because I can't stand up without literally
(05:26):
holding onto desks, tables, arms, and chairs to push myself up.
So I really feel like this is the moment for
me to talk about this because at this point I
sent you and Caroline, who was a good friend of mine,
and others like I'm either going to buy a house,
an RV, a new car, go on a ridiculously expensive vacation,
(05:49):
or a new dog like that was the taxon, Like
I don't know what's happening, but I need to do
one of these things to shake up my life. And
that's when I started thinking, Oh, it's the life crisis point,
like if I die eighty two, this is it, right,
this is the midlife point, which by the way, is
defined to happen around forties to sixties. And though it
is not an actual mental health like thing, people are
(06:15):
still acknowledge it. Don't get me wrong. There's a debate
about it whether it exists. In twenty six percent of
Americas apparently have reported to have had one. And of
course we do have the stereotypical as I said, going
on to extravagant buys, which is what I just, you know,
kind of was a stereotype. I really do. I've been
looking at each one of those things. BT dubs sending
you links, sending my partner links and like, somebody approved
(06:38):
this for me, and no one has yet to do so,
So I feel like I've been betrayed a little bit.
But all of these things that we know that the
forty five fifty sixty year old man buying the Porsche
all of a sudden, leaving his wife of fifteen twenty
years for the twenty year old whatever, these are all
stereotypes we're talking about. But when it comes to women,
(06:59):
it seems to be a little different. And I wanted
to know what that was. And first and foremost, let's
go ahead and define what is a midlife crisis, because
you know we love to do that. Which is a
period of emotional turmoil in middle age, characterized especially by
a strong desire for change. This is Merriam Webster's definition,
(07:20):
by the way. And yeah, I feel that. I feel that.
I don't know if it's because of middle aged. Of course,
some of the articles which I talked about the twenty
six percent came from the healthline dot com article about
midlife crisis and women. Some of this talks about possible menopause.
And you know, I'm not sad about menopause because there's
nothing in me that wants to have a child, so
(07:41):
it doesn't bother me per se, of course, and I'm
sure we can have this other conversation and we'll come
back to it. We should come back to it. I
am very worried about not wanting to have sex, which
you and I have talked about whether or not that
it makes us normal and whether or not that redefines us.
We talked about asexuality as an actual sexuality and being
a part of the quick community, and that's important that
(08:01):
we need to talk about that. But as the one
myself who has been fairly sexual from my twenties to
my nows, which is a short amount of times of
course beforehand, but I haven't actually hadn't engaged with a
partner up until that point, I feel like, oh no,
I've missed out on so much of that and now
(08:22):
I'm losing it. It makes me sad. So again, that's
a whole different conversation of how that defines us as
being women who are aging but trying to remain what
used to be norm for us as individuals. But that's
not again a different conversation now. I looked back to
(08:42):
the med life crisis because I was like, what the like,
I'm not happy, I don't want to be here. But
at the same time, I started looking at the different
factors of my life specifically, and I am one of
the anomalies, but started to become more of a norm now.
But I guess more of an anomaly in my age
group was hit the forties mark to not have a family.
(09:02):
I don't have children, I don't have a spouse. I
have a partner. But as committed as we are, we
are still very independent. I don't own a home. I'm
absolutely renting in a very cute little home that I've
made for myself. But does it include neighbors in the building?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Do we share a washer dryer as a unit? Yes?
I am able to afford my own car. I am
now getting to the point that I'm actually fixing my
teeth like an adult that should have been fixed twenty
five years ago apparently. But yeah, all these things. I
have a dog, I don't have children. I have just
figured out what the hell this four oh one k
(09:40):
life is and savings is about. That, of course, I
also has to do with me being in a job
that is woillfully neglected by the government, by the economy,
by society, in itself, and so getting pennies to a
job that worked me twenty hours a day. So we
know that those are the outside influences to that. But
(10:03):
all of that to say, you know, I'm not your
typical in that I'm not in that housewife, wife, mother,
grandmother state of being. So it is my midlife crisis,
I feel like, is very different from what we know of.
And I'm sure there needs to be new data and
I'm sure that it will come upon it one day. Yes,
(10:25):
maybe I said this as a question into the but
like all of these things, so I'm like, what is this?
Is this? What this looks like? Who am I?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
And it also comes down to the point like one
of the big questions is the definitions and maybe this
new crisis, what men were going through, what we have
seen men do just literally putting caution to the wind.
Again stereotypically, I'm not necessarily saying that that's all true,
but my stereotype. But what we see as a caricature
of well not too much of a caricature, but like
(10:59):
a little stretch, little bit of a stretch that men
just kind of throw caution to the wind and move on.
That women who are have become breadwinners, have become more
likely to have less children, have become less dependent on
men because we earn our own money. There's a wide
gender gap. We know this, gender pay gap. We know this,
but it's at one point in time did seem like
(11:22):
it was closing a bit for some of the communities.
So that also means less dependency on our men if
it is a heterocys relationship. So that's changed all around.
So I'm wondering if we are. We haven't seen or
talked about it as much for women until recently because
(11:44):
of those changes, which is where I am. I would
probably be the face of that, not necessarily, but just
like the lack of having all of those responsibilities that
once was always on women, That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Yeah, I have a lot of kind of varying thoughts
about this. When I was growing up, my mom had
(12:19):
a best friend who was an artist and she was
kind of known as like affectionately, the weirdo.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
But she.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
When she approached I guess her she had her midlife crisis.
I don't know if she did, but she bought this
jeep that was bright sunburnt orange, and everyone joked it
was her midlife crisis car and I was a kid.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
And I remember hearing that, thinking that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
But to this day, like I do remember that. I remember,
and she was the one who made the money in
that particular family situation, and she did have a lot
going on, difficult things going on, So I think of that.
I also think, like, again, I don't I haven't had
(13:13):
a mid life crisis, or I don't think I've had
a quarter life crisis.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
But recently I've.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Been thinking because Quarantine universary is this weekend for me
for a lot of us, and I'm going to celebrate it.
But I was thinking, like, wow, this is two years.
You've barely loved this apartment two years. Yeah, And that
made me pause. That made me pause for a second,
because I am somebody who's very like I want to
(13:40):
do all this stuff, and I want to go everywhere,
and I want to travel in a lot of ways,
staying in my apartment has been not a bad thing
and interesting and I've learned a lot.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
But I think in that way of what you're saying of.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Women now not kind of changing the roles the from
what the stereotypical traditional role was to now or much
more like late to get married, or get a house
or if we do those things at all. I did
have that moment of like, is that a waste of
a two years?
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Right?
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Yeah, totally that's what it is. But that actually that's
a good segue because I also thought, well, maybe it's
not this midlife crisis that I'm at. Maybe that's not
what it is. Maybe it's this existential crisis, which I've
always heard it seems such like a kitchy like goofy
word that people use just to be real out there,
like the kind of like the new ag level of
(14:37):
like what is this? You know? Yes, I have to
use the noise for that, and if you don't know,
an existential crisis is a psychological episode in which a
person questions the meaning of their life and of existence itself.
And that's from dictionary dot com and y'all yeah, yeah,
I think, especially for so many of us in the
(15:00):
last two years, that has been the moment like what
is this life? And oh my god? What am I here?
Speaker 1 (15:09):
For?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Am I making a difference? And of course there's a
bigger conversation in this because there's an intersectionality in this
conversation about this type of crisis when it comes to
climate change, when it comes to racial issues, when it
comes to working within war torn countries and what that
looks like for them, when we talk about feminism in
itself and feminist issues today. We know that Texas has
(15:32):
allowed for that really overarching anti abortion law, which is
really upsetting and as a whole other I know, segue
we're gonna have to get into because a lot of
big changes that are happening and I hate it. I
hate it, I hate it, I hate it, but it
does put you into that moment of the crisis and
also with that existential dread. Yeah, I'm talking about that.
(15:55):
So what is existential dread? Again? It's that same questioning
of life and death and the uns certainties that surrounds them,
like you literally sit and dread and wait on it.
It's kind of that, like it's the what's the meaning
of life? Why should I care about this?
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (16:10):
My god? Is are we killing humankind? There's no hope?
And I'm laughing because if we don't we cry? Am
I right? Am I right? One blogger from the astat
Psychological Services says about it. It's oftentimes triggered by things
(16:32):
like unwanted life transitions, the feeling of reaching a standstill
in life, life altering experiences, traumatic experiences, crisis. On a
larger scale, it could be a depression of anxiety. Yes
I have both those things. A death of a loved one,
feeling like you're failing at your career, losing faith in
religion y'all. Like I said, that was my quarter life's crisis, Like,
(16:56):
there are so many of those things that line up
with it. And we talk about this on an intersectional
level when we talk about for women, for black women,
for women who are dealing with climate change or actually
acknowledging it and trying to make a change, Like we
see this in the deeper level of oh, by god,
we've failed. What do we do? Or no one's listening?
(17:18):
What do we do? And honestly, being a social worker,
it was consistent, like it's feeling like I'm constantly failing.
Nothing is changing. I can't change the system from where
I'm at, but no one from the head up cares
enough to actually change it, which I feel like we've
(17:38):
seen more and more today. Maybe it's because of social
media that we actually can acknowledge that fact that we
see the paid discrepancies, we see the amount that CEOs
and corporations make and how little they're willing to get
to their own employees who are actually running the company
and making the profit for the company.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
You know.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Again, I know I go onto this spill a lot,
but there's been moments of like, how do we change this?
So because I can't figure out how to change this
on a massive scale, I'm like, I need to change
something about my life my surroundings right now. Annie, let's
go on a resort trip where is sustainable and conscientious y'all.
I've been trying, and he's not listening.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
To it, she sent me.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I'm listening, but I have gotten many texts where I'm like,
I'm unclear how I should respond this.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
I think it's a fun idea.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
That's a great ideas, Mantha, what do you want me
to do?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I'm just you know, it's like it's emotion your approach
to dog.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
You're like, Okay, yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
It's true, y'all. I get very intense about it and
that we need to do this right now, which makes
me really over overtly passionate about things. And honestly, this
has put me into maybe this is part of again
my crisis in general, put me into astrology and back
into astrology and astronomy because I'm like, what if this
is exactly who I am? Which also leads me back to, oh,
(19:04):
I don't actually know my birthdate because I was adopted,
and I don't know if this is true. I don't
know when I was born. I don't actually know where
I was born. Oh God, what's wrong with me? There's
so many things, so many layers to this, and of
course this is women's history months. So I'm like, are
we making an impact? Are we okay?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Y'all?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
I'm not okay. Can you tell someone send now, send donuts?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
But you know, I have a feeling, like I said,
because of the things that we've gone through in the
last two years, last four years for many people, all
of their lives. Again, that's that intersectional level that we
really do want to talk about. This is a consistent thing,
but trying to live it out and not even realizing
you're in a crisis moment and also not realize not
being able to do anything about it. I joke about
(19:57):
the fact that I can do these things. I'm not
gonna lie. I've definitely gotten the privilege of actually being paid.
Still not being paid as much as our mail counterparts
that I guarantee, but still being paid a lot more
than what I was when I was working a job
that really really had a lot of emotional mental impact.
Not that this doesn't it does, but not to that
(20:18):
same level, knowing that I can actually get that done,
knowing that if it came down to it, yes, I'm
finally again getting to be, in a like be able
to address my issues with teeth because it seems to
be a privilege, which it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be
mental care. I care. Mental health should not be a privilege.
(20:38):
And that's again all right, cool, cool, Cool. I am
able to have the time to do these things because
I don't have children that I'm responsible for and scheduling
for them as well or paying for them as well.
I know this. I know that this is a privilege
beyond measure, and so for many people who are constantly
in crisis adding this to it, and especially again when
(21:02):
it comes to women, women of color, marginalized people's, this
is a whole different level. And I joke about what
it is, and we joke about it as a stereotype
because we do see it as a middle class privilege.
Having a midlife crisis is an upper middle class privilege,
and it's absurd.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Yeah, I think you touched on something that we've talked
about a lot in coping with trauma and some unhealthy
(21:38):
coping mechanisms with trauma, which is control and like a
feeling of control and that you feel like.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
All the stuff in your life is out of your control.
You can't fix all of these things, So buy a house, right, No,
make you feel better like that? That makes sense to me.
It is unfortunate that we feel so out of control.
There's so many aspects of our lives, but it does
(22:05):
make sense to me that having this moment of like
I need to do something that makes me feel like
I have some modicum of control in my life.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
And again for women, those who are in the marginalized communities,
that is compounded by the responsibility that's given to you. Immediately. Yes,
white men, we are saying you have you have it easier,
so shut up, don't come out when it comes to
basic conversations like this. So one of the things in
(22:37):
the helpline article that I was reading, it does say
many other symptoms of midlife crisis overlap with depression, anxiety
disorders and hormonal imbalances. Again, they talked about menopause a
little bit and that there are like things that you
can do when it comes to medication, antidepresses, all of
that that if you truly need it. Sure like I'm
(22:58):
one of those who will always say if it's something
that you actually need and helps you go at it,
as long as it's not harming or you're not abusing it, great,
But there are some other ways they say that you
can offset this what they call midlife blues, which it's patronizing,
but okay, it says talk to a therapist. Once again,
(23:19):
We've talked about this before. How that is a privilege
in itself. I'd said it earlier. It's absurd, but it is,
and I'm sorry and I hate it. But if you
are able to do so, do it. Cognitive therapy, life coaching,
group therapy might be something that could help, especially when
it comes to grief, managing anxiety, and maybe even just
future planning. Who knows. Talking to your friends, if you
have really good friends, it's nice as in fact, they
(23:43):
said in the same article, A twenty twelve study shows
that what many women know from firsthand experience midlife is
easier if you surrounded by a circle of friends. Women
with friends have a greater sense of well being than
those who don't. Not even family members have as great
an impact. And I feel like, yes, I can attest
to this. Again, Annie and Caroline were two of the
(24:05):
people I meet. Oh and Dominique of course immediately texted
like help, I'm going to buy one of these things.
And just having them be like okay, what was enough.
This was just like coming bringing me back to reality.
It was like, okay, you are correct, thank you very much.
I needed that. But I think that's a really big
part of it. And again for my parents. For my mom,
(24:26):
she didn't have friends. We talked about that earlier another episode.
She didn't have friends until after all her kids left,
and her friends were her kids. So that is also
a privileged thing as well, which makes me sad. Yeah,
it shouldn't have to be. But I know if all
you do is work, there's not so and then you
just want to come home and rest. There's so little
(24:47):
you can do about that. And that's again a different conversation.
Reconnect with nature. As I said, go touch the grass.
I have very muddy grass, but whatever, But we uh.
My partner has family in Florida near the beach. He
took me there to be like, I'm easy to calm
down and it did help. Talking about your home remedies
and healthy eating. Again, I'm not gonna say that's the thing.
(25:09):
Is their suggestion. I don't know, but some people do
like hobbies. So if it's learning to bake bread, go
at it. Learning to plant gardens beautiful. I mean, that
has been two of the big things that I've seen
people do as self care. They need to be able
to care for their plants, or are being able to
learn to bake bread or doing these things. If that's
(25:31):
something you need, great. If you are someone who struggles
with eating and you want to figure out something healthy, cool,
just do it in a manner that is showing love
to yourself period and not abiding by unattainable standards that
are set by society, which is stupid and usually the
meaning and very very false and damaging to women. Put
(25:54):
that in there. Write down what you've accomplished. You know
that's not a bad idea. Aie just got into shockma,
and then take steps toward a new future. I don't
know what that means talking about maybe hey, you are writing,
write that novel you've been talking about. Don't write that novel.
Toss out that novel. Whatever you need to do. Have
a cleansing party, you know, taking all the things that
(26:16):
you thought was bad in your life. Burn that in
a very contained environment. I don't know. Get into astrology
like me and tell me about my sign. Someone tell
me about my side.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
I have a friend for you.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Okay, cool hill, I would words up to a twenty six.
And then there are so many other things. Reading books again,
doing what is something that you love, whether it's taking
time off and again, maybe taking a bath, maybe that's
your thing. Sitting, crocheting. I tried that, didn't get very
far with that, but okay, we'll by come back and
(26:52):
revisit this. Watching a favorite beloved movie, whatever you need,
reaching out to an old friend that you've missed, all
the good things. Some suggestions. But yeah, for those who
are with me, I love you, I'm thinking of you.
Don't buy that thing you don't need it's gonna be okay.
Or do if it makes you happy.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yeah, yeah, I think the key is to like, not
do it on impulse, like.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Sure, think about it, take take a week before you actually.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Think about it, talk to people about it.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
See, I don't think there's funny thing yet.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Yeah, well there's time, but you know, give me a
minute though. Yeah, well we'll converse about that later. But yes, yes, yes,
yes listeners.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
If you have any experience with this, any ideas about this,
any thoughts, we would love to hear from you. Our
email is Stuffania mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You
can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or
on Instagram at stuff I Never Told You. Thanks always
start superducer Christina. Thank you, Christina, and thanks to you
for listening Stuff I've Never Told You. The protection of iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, if is it the aheart
(27:58):
radio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever you listen to favorite chips
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Oh stuff. I never
told you production buy Heart Radio. And as this comes.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Out, I recently had a birthday, Samantha, You're coming up
on a birthday. And I've seen a lot of articles
about this a topic you brought to my attention years ago,
about what is the midlife crisis?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Now?
Speaker 3 (00:40):
What is it?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
And I actually have seen a lot of people writing
about it about what does the millennial life crisis look like?
What does all these other things look like. I was
talking to my friend the other day where it's like,
I still feel I just feel like a kid, Like
I don't feel like an adult even though I am.
(01:03):
And I know we talk about this in here, I
don't know. So I have this birthday that goes by
and I'm like, well, I still feel pretty young.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I'm still really young. It's strange, though.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
It is a bizarre thing where you're like, I should
probably feel a little bit a little bit older than
maybe more my age.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Perhaps, But it's interesting. It's interesting, especially.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Because my mom is coming over tomorrow and I don't know,
having her in my apartment with my mess of Star
Wars toys.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
It's just an interesting experience.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Understandable.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Yes, well, listeners, please write in if you have any
thoughts about this, but in the meantime, please enjoy this
classic episode. Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome
to Stefan Never told your protection of iHeart Radio.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Okay, Annie, you and I have been talking about this
for a minute, and I have sent warning texts to
all my friends about the fact that I am in
quite a place sure mentally as of late, to the
point that everybody's like, seriously, are you okay? And to
the point my partner's like, how about how about if
(02:35):
we go visit? How about we go outside? How about
we touch the grass? As the new expression goes. But
I did want to ask you, did you ever go
through what is known as quarter life crisis? Now I
know it's actually I guess this is a millennial thing
because I feel like John may I really pushed that
out in his lyrics.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Did he does he have a song about quarter life crisis?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
He literally say about having a quarter life crisis in
one of his very moody songs.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Oh that's okay.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Now I'm having to wow, thanks to meoth that I'm
having to reckon with the fact I'm at the quarter
of my life at least WHOA, I.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Don't think I have.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I've definitely had moments where but they're usually fleeting, but
I've had moments where I'm like, I've got to make
a change and like what am I doing with my
I don't oh, not have so I don't have a
significant other, I don't have all these things. And then
usually like within an hour, I'm out of it, like
I changed.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
I think it helps that I did travel a lot
when we could travel a lot, and I always was busy,
and you know, it's always hiking and stuff.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
But I don't.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Maybe it's coming, maybe it's on the horizon, but not
as yet.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
I don't think i've had one.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Okay, So the quarter life crisis, if your lifespan was
to say, eighty, would hit at twenty. So if your
lifespan goes to one hundred, it goes to twenty five, right,
So that's the quarter life And I really felt that,
and for some reason in my head I got sure
I definitely going to live to one hundred. So around
twenty five, I was like what am I.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Doing with my life?
Speaker 3 (04:21):
This all was also a part of like whether or
not I was okay with my job whether I was not.
I was trying to find my identity and trying to
figure out you know, it was during the time I
was losing a lot of my old identity as the
Asian girl wanting to be white from a small town,
from going to from conservative to oh, that doesn't make
sense anymore, doing from religious to oh yeah, I don't
(04:44):
think this is me anymore type of moments. So to me,
that was a little bit of my quarter life crisis
because religion and Christianity was a big part of who
I was so losing that really did feel like I
was losing myself and had to redefine myself. So that
kind of what's my quarter life crisis. And at this point,
(05:04):
I'm in my forties forty one. I'm still young forties,
don't get me wrong. And I know I keep saying
it like I'm going to push over at any moment,
but I'm telling you, I went to work out yesterday
for the first time in what months, I'm in pain.
Oh no, So I feel like this is even more
defined right now because I can't stand up without literally
(05:26):
holding onto desks, tables, arms, and chairs to push myself up.
So I really feel like this is the moment for
me to talk about this because at this point I
sent you and Caroline, who was a good friend of mine,
and others like I'm either going to buy a house,
an RV, a new car, go on a ridiculously expensive vacation,
(05:49):
or a new dog like that was the taxon, Like
I don't know what's happening, but I need to do
one of these things to shake up my life. And
that's when I started thinking, Oh, it's the life crisis point,
like if I die eighty two, this is it, right,
this is the midlife point, which by the way, is
defined to happen around forties to sixties. And though it
is not an actual mental health like thing, people are
(06:15):
still acknowledge it. Don't get me wrong. There's a debate
about it whether it exists. In twenty six percent of
Americas apparently have reported to have had one. And of
course we do have the stereotypical as I said, going
on to extravagant buys, which is what I just, you know,
kind of was a stereotype. I really do. I've been
looking at each one of those things. BT dubs sending
you links, sending my partner links and like, somebody approved
(06:38):
this for me, and no one has yet to do so,
So I feel like I've been betrayed a little bit.
But all of these things that we know that the
forty five fifty sixty year old man buying the Porsche
all of a sudden, leaving his wife of fifteen twenty
years for the twenty year old whatever, these are all
stereotypes we're talking about. But when it comes to women,
(06:59):
it seems to be a little different. And I wanted
to know what that was. And first and foremost, let's
go ahead and define what is a midlife crisis, because
you know we love to do that. Which is a
period of emotional turmoil in middle age, characterized especially by
a strong desire for change. This is Merriam Webster's definition,
(07:20):
by the way. And yeah, I feel that. I feel that.
I don't know if it's because of middle aged. Of course,
some of the articles which I talked about the twenty
six percent came from the healthline dot com article about
midlife crisis and women. Some of this talks about possible menopause.
And you know, I'm not sad about menopause because there's
nothing in me that wants to have a child, so
(07:41):
it doesn't bother me per se, of course, and I'm
sure we can have this other conversation and we'll come
back to it. We should come back to it. I
am very worried about not wanting to have sex, which
you and I have talked about whether or not that
it makes us normal and whether or not that redefines us.
We talked about asexuality as an actual sexuality and being
a part of the quick community, and that's important that
(08:01):
we need to talk about that. But as the one
myself who has been fairly sexual from my twenties to
my nows, which is a short amount of times of
course beforehand, but I haven't actually hadn't engaged with a
partner up until that point, I feel like, oh no,
I've missed out on so much of that and now
(08:22):
I'm losing it. It makes me sad. So again, that's
a whole different conversation of how that defines us as
being women who are aging but trying to remain what
used to be norm for us as individuals. But that's
not again a different conversation now. I looked back to
(08:42):
the med life crisis because I was like, what the like,
I'm not happy, I don't want to be here. But
at the same time, I started looking at the different
factors of my life specifically, and I am one of
the anomalies, but started to become more of a norm now.
But I guess more of an anomaly in my age
group was hit the forties mark to not have a family.
(09:02):
I don't have children, I don't have a spouse. I
have a partner. But as committed as we are, we
are still very independent. I don't own a home. I'm
absolutely renting in a very cute little home that I've
made for myself. But does it include neighbors in the building?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Do we share a washer dryer as a unit? Yes?
I am able to afford my own car. I am
now getting to the point that I'm actually fixing my
teeth like an adult that should have been fixed twenty
five years ago apparently. But yeah, all these things. I
have a dog, I don't have children. I have just
figured out what the hell this four oh one k
(09:40):
life is and savings is about. That, of course, I
also has to do with me being in a job
that is woillfully neglected by the government, by the economy,
by society, in itself, and so getting pennies to a
job that worked me twenty hours a day. So we
know that those are the outside influences to that. But
(10:03):
all of that to say, you know, I'm not your
typical in that I'm not in that housewife, wife, mother,
grandmother state of being. So it is my midlife crisis,
I feel like, is very different from what we know of.
And I'm sure there needs to be new data and
I'm sure that it will come upon it one day. Yes,
(10:25):
maybe I said this as a question into the but
like all of these things, so I'm like, what is this?
Is this? What this looks like? Who am I?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
And it also comes down to the point like one
of the big questions is the definitions and maybe this
new crisis, what men were going through, what we have
seen men do just literally putting caution to the wind.
Again stereotypically, I'm not necessarily saying that that's all true,
but my stereotype. But what we see as a caricature
of well not too much of a caricature, but like
(10:59):
a little stretch, little bit of a stretch that men
just kind of throw caution to the wind and move on.
That women who are have become breadwinners, have become more
likely to have less children, have become less dependent on
men because we earn our own money. There's a wide
gender gap. We know this, gender pay gap. We know this,
but it's at one point in time did seem like
(11:22):
it was closing a bit for some of the communities.
So that also means less dependency on our men if
it is a heterocys relationship. So that's changed all around.
So I'm wondering if we are. We haven't seen or
talked about it as much for women until recently because
(11:44):
of those changes, which is where I am. I would
probably be the face of that, not necessarily, but just
like the lack of having all of those responsibilities that
once was always on women, That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Yeah, I have a lot of kind of varying thoughts
about this. When I was growing up, my mom had
(12:19):
a best friend who was an artist and she was
kind of known as like affectionately, the weirdo.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
But she.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
When she approached I guess her she had her midlife crisis.
I don't know if she did, but she bought this
jeep that was bright sunburnt orange, and everyone joked it
was her midlife crisis car and I was a kid.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
And I remember hearing that, thinking that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
But to this day, like I do remember that. I remember,
and she was the one who made the money in
that particular family situation, and she did have a lot
going on, difficult things going on, So I think of that.
I also think, like, again, I don't I haven't had
(13:13):
a mid life crisis, or I don't think I've had
a quarter life crisis.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
But recently I've.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Been thinking because Quarantine universary is this weekend for me
for a lot of us, and I'm going to celebrate it.
But I was thinking, like, wow, this is two years.
You've barely loved this apartment two years. Yeah, And that
made me pause. That made me pause for a second,
because I am somebody who's very like I want to
(13:40):
do all this stuff, and I want to go everywhere,
and I want to travel in a lot of ways,
staying in my apartment has been not a bad thing
and interesting and I've learned a lot.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
But I think in that way of what you're saying of.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Women now not kind of changing the roles the from
what the stereotypical traditional role was to now or much
more like late to get married, or get a house
or if we do those things at all. I did
have that moment of like, is that a waste of
a two years?
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Right?
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Yeah, totally that's what it is. But that actually that's
a good segue because I also thought, well, maybe it's
not this midlife crisis that I'm at. Maybe that's not
what it is. Maybe it's this existential crisis, which I've
always heard it seems such like a kitchy like goofy
word that people use just to be real out there,
like the kind of like the new ag level of
(14:37):
like what is this? You know? Yes, I have to
use the noise for that, and if you don't know,
an existential crisis is a psychological episode in which a
person questions the meaning of their life and of existence itself.
And that's from dictionary dot com and y'all yeah, yeah,
I think, especially for so many of us in the
(15:00):
last two years, that has been the moment like what
is this life? And oh my god? What am I here?
Speaker 1 (15:09):
For?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Am I making a difference? And of course there's a
bigger conversation in this because there's an intersectionality in this
conversation about this type of crisis when it comes to
climate change, when it comes to racial issues, when it
comes to working within war torn countries and what that
looks like for them, when we talk about feminism in
itself and feminist issues today. We know that Texas has
(15:32):
allowed for that really overarching anti abortion law, which is
really upsetting and as a whole other I know, segue
we're gonna have to get into because a lot of
big changes that are happening and I hate it. I
hate it, I hate it, I hate it, but it
does put you into that moment of the crisis and
also with that existential dread. Yeah, I'm talking about that.
(15:55):
So what is existential dread? Again? It's that same questioning
of life and death and the uns certainties that surrounds them,
like you literally sit and dread and wait on it.
It's kind of that, like it's the what's the meaning
of life? Why should I care about this?
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (16:10):
My god? Is are we killing humankind? There's no hope?
And I'm laughing because if we don't we cry? Am
I right? Am I right? One blogger from the astat
Psychological Services says about it. It's oftentimes triggered by things
(16:32):
like unwanted life transitions, the feeling of reaching a standstill
in life, life altering experiences, traumatic experiences, crisis. On a
larger scale, it could be a depression of anxiety. Yes
I have both those things. A death of a loved one,
feeling like you're failing at your career, losing faith in
religion y'all. Like I said, that was my quarter life's crisis, Like,
(16:56):
there are so many of those things that line up
with it. And we talk about this on an intersectional
level when we talk about for women, for black women,
for women who are dealing with climate change or actually
acknowledging it and trying to make a change, Like we
see this in the deeper level of oh, by god,
we've failed. What do we do? Or no one's listening?
(17:18):
What do we do? And honestly, being a social worker,
it was consistent, like it's feeling like I'm constantly failing.
Nothing is changing. I can't change the system from where
I'm at, but no one from the head up cares
enough to actually change it, which I feel like we've
(17:38):
seen more and more today. Maybe it's because of social
media that we actually can acknowledge that fact that we
see the paid discrepancies, we see the amount that CEOs
and corporations make and how little they're willing to get
to their own employees who are actually running the company
and making the profit for the company.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
You know.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Again, I know I go onto this spill a lot,
but there's been moments of like, how do we change this?
So because I can't figure out how to change this
on a massive scale, I'm like, I need to change
something about my life my surroundings right now. Annie, let's
go on a resort trip where is sustainable and conscientious y'all.
I've been trying, and he's not listening.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
To it, she sent me.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I'm listening, but I have gotten many texts where I'm like,
I'm unclear how I should respond this.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
I think it's a fun idea.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
That's a great ideas, Mantha, what do you want me
to do?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I'm just you know, it's like it's emotion your approach
to dog.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
You're like, Okay, yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
It's true, y'all. I get very intense about it and
that we need to do this right now, which makes
me really over overtly passionate about things. And honestly, this
has put me into maybe this is part of again
my crisis in general, put me into astrology and back
into astrology and astronomy because I'm like, what if this
is exactly who I am? Which also leads me back to, oh,
(19:04):
I don't actually know my birthdate because I was adopted,
and I don't know if this is true. I don't
know when I was born. I don't actually know where
I was born. Oh God, what's wrong with me? There's
so many things, so many layers to this, and of
course this is women's history months. So I'm like, are
we making an impact? Are we okay?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Y'all?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
I'm not okay. Can you tell someone send now, send donuts?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
But you know, I have a feeling, like I said,
because of the things that we've gone through in the
last two years, last four years for many people, all
of their lives. Again, that's that intersectional level that we
really do want to talk about. This is a consistent thing,
but trying to live it out and not even realizing
you're in a crisis moment and also not realize not
being able to do anything about it. I joke about
(19:57):
the fact that I can do these things. I'm not
gonna lie. I've definitely gotten the privilege of actually being paid.
Still not being paid as much as our mail counterparts
that I guarantee, but still being paid a lot more
than what I was when I was working a job
that really really had a lot of emotional mental impact.
Not that this doesn't it does, but not to that
(20:18):
same level, knowing that I can actually get that done,
knowing that if it came down to it, yes, I'm
finally again getting to be, in a like be able
to address my issues with teeth because it seems to
be a privilege, which it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be
mental care. I care. Mental health should not be a privilege.
(20:38):
And that's again all right, cool, cool, Cool. I am
able to have the time to do these things because
I don't have children that I'm responsible for and scheduling
for them as well or paying for them as well.
I know this. I know that this is a privilege
beyond measure, and so for many people who are constantly
in crisis adding this to it, and especially again when
(21:02):
it comes to women, women of color, marginalized people's, this
is a whole different level. And I joke about what
it is, and we joke about it as a stereotype
because we do see it as a middle class privilege.
Having a midlife crisis is an upper middle class privilege,
and it's absurd.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Yeah, I think you touched on something that we've talked
about a lot in coping with trauma and some unhealthy
(21:38):
coping mechanisms with trauma, which is control and like a
feeling of control and that you feel like.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
All the stuff in your life is out of your control.
You can't fix all of these things, So buy a house, right, No,
make you feel better like that? That makes sense to me.
It is unfortunate that we feel so out of control.
There's so many aspects of our lives, but it does
(22:05):
make sense to me that having this moment of like
I need to do something that makes me feel like
I have some modicum of control in my life.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
And again for women, those who are in the marginalized communities,
that is compounded by the responsibility that's given to you. Immediately. Yes,
white men, we are saying you have you have it easier,
so shut up, don't come out when it comes to
basic conversations like this. So one of the things in
(22:37):
the helpline article that I was reading, it does say
many other symptoms of midlife crisis overlap with depression, anxiety
disorders and hormonal imbalances. Again, they talked about menopause a
little bit and that there are like things that you
can do when it comes to medication, antidepresses, all of
that that if you truly need it. Sure like I'm
(22:58):
one of those who will always say if it's something
that you actually need and helps you go at it,
as long as it's not harming or you're not abusing it, great,
But there are some other ways they say that you
can offset this what they call midlife blues, which it's patronizing,
but okay, it says talk to a therapist. Once again,
(23:19):
We've talked about this before. How that is a privilege
in itself. I'd said it earlier. It's absurd, but it is,
and I'm sorry and I hate it. But if you
are able to do so, do it. Cognitive therapy, life coaching,
group therapy might be something that could help, especially when
it comes to grief, managing anxiety, and maybe even just
future planning. Who knows. Talking to your friends, if you
have really good friends, it's nice as in fact, they
(23:43):
said in the same article, A twenty twelve study shows
that what many women know from firsthand experience midlife is
easier if you surrounded by a circle of friends. Women
with friends have a greater sense of well being than
those who don't. Not even family members have as great
an impact. And I feel like, yes, I can attest
to this. Again, Annie and Caroline were two of the
(24:05):
people I meet. Oh and Dominique of course immediately texted
like help, I'm going to buy one of these things.
And just having them be like okay, what was enough.
This was just like coming bringing me back to reality.
It was like, okay, you are correct, thank you very much.
I needed that. But I think that's a really big
part of it. And again for my parents. For my mom,
(24:26):
she didn't have friends. We talked about that earlier another episode.
She didn't have friends until after all her kids left,
and her friends were her kids. So that is also
a privileged thing as well, which makes me sad. Yeah,
it shouldn't have to be. But I know if all
you do is work, there's not so and then you
just want to come home and rest. There's so little
(24:47):
you can do about that. And that's again a different conversation.
Reconnect with nature. As I said, go touch the grass.
I have very muddy grass, but whatever, But we uh.
My partner has family in Florida near the beach. He
took me there to be like, I'm easy to calm
down and it did help. Talking about your home remedies
and healthy eating. Again, I'm not gonna say that's the thing.
(25:09):
Is their suggestion. I don't know, but some people do
like hobbies. So if it's learning to bake bread, go
at it. Learning to plant gardens beautiful. I mean, that
has been two of the big things that I've seen
people do as self care. They need to be able
to care for their plants, or are being able to
learn to bake bread or doing these things. If that's
(25:31):
something you need, great. If you are someone who struggles
with eating and you want to figure out something healthy, cool,
just do it in a manner that is showing love
to yourself period and not abiding by unattainable standards that
are set by society, which is stupid and usually the
meaning and very very false and damaging to women. Put
(25:54):
that in there. Write down what you've accomplished. You know
that's not a bad idea. Aie just got into shockma,
and then take steps toward a new future. I don't
know what that means talking about maybe hey, you are writing,
write that novel you've been talking about. Don't write that novel.
Toss out that novel. Whatever you need to do. Have
a cleansing party, you know, taking all the things that
(26:16):
you thought was bad in your life. Burn that in
a very contained environment. I don't know. Get into astrology
like me and tell me about my sign. Someone tell
me about my side.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
I have a friend for you.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Okay, cool hill, I would words up to a twenty six.
And then there are so many other things. Reading books again,
doing what is something that you love, whether it's taking
time off and again, maybe taking a bath, maybe that's
your thing. Sitting, crocheting. I tried that, didn't get very
far with that, but okay, we'll by come back and
(26:52):
revisit this. Watching a favorite beloved movie, whatever you need,
reaching out to an old friend that you've missed, all
the good things. Some suggestions. But yeah, for those who
are with me, I love you, I'm thinking of you.
Don't buy that thing you don't need it's gonna be okay.
Or do if it makes you happy.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yeah, yeah, I think the key is to like, not
do it on impulse, like.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Sure, think about it, take take a week before you actually.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Think about it, talk to people about it.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
See, I don't think there's funny thing yet.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Yeah, well there's time, but you know, give me a
minute though. Yeah, well we'll converse about that later. But yes, yes, yes,
yes listeners.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
If you have any experience with this, any ideas about this,
any thoughts, we would love to hear from you. Our
email is Stuffania mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You
can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or
on Instagram at stuff I Never Told You. Thanks always
start superducer Christina. Thank you, Christina, and thanks to you
for listening Stuff I've Never Told You. The protection of iHeartRadio.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, if is it the aheart
(27:58):
radio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever you listen to favorite chips
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