October 29, 2020 • 41 mins
It’s that time of year again! So turn down the lights, pull the sheets over your eyes and prepare to be thrilled and frightened with two great Halloween stories from Philip K. Dick and M.R. James.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Stuff You Should Know, a production of Five
Heart Radios How Stuff Works. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
(00:21):
I'm Josh Scare the pants off you Clark, and there's
Charles Ghastly, Chuck Bryant and Jerry's floating out there somewhere
in the ether, which makes this Stuff you Should Know.
I thought you were going to say, Chuck, scare the
(00:41):
pants back on you Bryant. Oh, that's even better. Maybe
we should edit that in and say it again. But
with feeling. That's as much feeling as I can mustard
these days. Man. I'm with you, buddy, I'm with you,
but we're not here to talk about anything in the
world except scaring the pants off and then act on
people with our annual Halloween episode correct sir, So Chuck,
(01:06):
we come up with a couple of pretty good ones.
I would say this year, I'm in love with yours.
I think these are both really good. And I was
surprised to see Philip paid Dick had stuff in the
public domain. Well we read one of his last year.
Did yeah that the Hanging Man I think is what
it was called. It was very scary, very creepy, but
(01:26):
I think it was just last year that his stuff
first came in, which goes to show you how old
we are. I think it's not an age thing, right,
I think just certain ones were put in the public domain.
I feel like if they don't copyrighted after X number
of decades, automatically goes into the public domain. So yeah,
I think it's because we're old. Well, hats off to
(01:48):
Phil Dick for his great work. That's right, hats off
and pants off mics on. So you want to get
started with the Beyond the Door? Yeah, let's do it. Okay,
I'll take the part. How about that? It sounds wonderful.
Ladies and gentlemen, Please dim your lights, please um arouse
your sympathetic nervous systems, and prepared to hear Beyond the
(02:11):
Door by Philip K. Dick. Larry Thomas bought a cuckoo
clock for his wife, without knowing the price he would
(02:31):
have to pay. That night, at the dinner table, he
brought it out and set it down beside her plate.
Doris stared at it, her hand to her mouth. Oh
my god, what is it? She looked up at him,
bright eyed. Well open it. Doris tore the ribbon in
paper from the square package with her sharp nails, her
bosom rising and falling. Larry stood watching her as she
(02:53):
lifted the lid. He lit a cigarette and leaned against
the wall. A cuckoo clock, doors cried, a real old
cuckoo clock, like my mother had. She turned the clock
over and over, just like my mother had when Pete
was still alive. Her eyes sparkled with tears. It's made
in Germany, Larry said. After a moment, he added, Carl
(03:16):
got it for me wholesale. He knows some guy in
the clock business. Otherwise I wouldn't have He stopped. Doris
made a funny little sound. I mean, otherwise I wouldn't
have been able to afford it. He scowled. What's the
matter with you? You got your clock, haven't you. Isn't
that what you want? Doris sat holding onto the clock,
her fingers pressed against the brown wood well. Larry said,
(03:40):
what's the matter. He watched an amazement as she leaped
up and ran from the room, still clutching the clock.
He shook his head, never satisfied, they're all that way,
never get enough. He sat down at the table and
finished his meal. So I think we have a puts
(04:05):
on our hands. Chuck. Yeah, And I gotta say, I've
seen you with Humi and you're a wonderful husband. But
you played the part of your husband very well. Thank
you very much. I think from time to time you
might say I'm a natural. No, that was that was
well done. I don't I wonder what this guy's problem
is already. I'm guessing he's like a mid fifties average dude.
(04:28):
Not a very good gift giver. No, I mean, here's
a great gift. And let me just urinate all over.
Hold it still, so I don't mess. All right, you're ready,
I'm ready, Right, here we go. The cuckoo clock was
not very large. It was handmade, however, and there were
(04:49):
countless frets on it, little indentations and ornaments scored in
the soft wood. Doris sat on the bed, drying her
eyes and winding the clock. She set the hands by
her wristwatch. Presently, she carefully moved the hands to two
minutes of ten. She carried the clock over to the
dresser and propped it up. Then she sat waiting, her
(05:09):
hands twisted together in her lap, waiting for the cuckoo
to come out for the hour to strike. As she sat,
she thought about Larry and what he had said, and
what she had said too, for that matter, not that
she could be blamed for any of it. After all,
she couldn't keep listening to him forever without defending herself.
(05:29):
You had to blow your own trumpet in the world.
She touched her handkerchief to her eyes. Suddenly, Why did
he have to say that about getting it wholesale? Why
did he have to spoil it all? If he felt
that way, he needn't have got it in the first place.
She clenched her fists. He was so mean, so dang mean.
(05:50):
But she was glad that the little clock sitting there,
ticking to itself with its funny grilled edges in the door.
Inside the door was the cuckoo waiting to come out?
Was he listening his head cocked on one side, listening
to hear the clock strike so that he would know
to come out? Did he sleep between hours? Well, she
(06:12):
would soon see him, she could ask him, and she
would show the clock to Bob. He would love it.
Bob loved old things, even old stamps and buttons. He
liked to go with her to the stores. Of course,
it was a little awkward, but Larry had been staying
at the office so much, and that helped off. Only
Larry didn't call up sometimes too. There was a wir
(06:34):
the clock shuttered, and all at once the door opened.
The cuckoo came out, sliding swiftly. He paused and looked around, solemnly,
scrutinizing her, the room, the furniture. It was the first
time he had seen her, she realized, Smiling to herself
in pleasure, she stood up, coming toward him shyly. Go on,
(06:56):
she said, I'm waiting. The cuckoo opened his bill. He
worred and chirped quickly rhythmically. Then after a moment of contemplation,
he retired and the door snap shut. She was delighted.
She clapped her hands and spun in a little circle.
She five years old. I guess she's a tad dad.
(07:18):
I love it. He was marvelous, perfect, and the way
he had looked around, studying her, sizing her up. He
liked her. She was certain of it, and she of
course loved him at once completely. He was just what
she had hoped would come out of the little door.
Doris went to the clock. She bent over the little door,
her lips close to the woods. Do you hear me?
(07:42):
She whispered. I think you're the most wonderful cuckoo in
the world. She paused, embarrassed. I hope you'll like it here.
Then she went downstairs again, slowly, her head high. Very nice, Chuck.
That was a great Doris. And I think I didn't
(08:03):
know where Doris is coming from. She's very likable at
this point. She's delighted by simple things, right. She does
little twirls and spins and stuff, which I mean, how
can you dislike that? You know? Okay, I'm picking up
again with moa. Larry and the cuckoo clock really never
(08:32):
got along well from the start. Doris said it was
because he didn't wind it right and it didn't like
being only half wound all the time. Larry turned the
job of winding over to her. The cuckoo came out
every quarter hour and ran the spring down without remorse,
and someone had to be ever after it winding it
up again. Doris did her best, but she forgot a
(08:53):
good deal of the time. Then Larry would throw his
newspaper down with an elaborate weary motion and stand up.
He would go into the dining room, where the clock
was mounted on the wall over the fireplace. He would
take the clock down, and making sure that he had
his thumb over the little door, he would wind it up.
Why do you put your thumb over the door, Doris asked,
(09:13):
Once you're supposed to? She raised an eyebrow. Are you sure?
I wonder if it isn't that you don't want him
to come out while you're standing so close? Why not?
Maybe you're afraid of him? Larry laughed. He put the
clock back on the wall and gingerly removed his thumb.
When Doris wasn't looking, he examined his thumb. There was
(09:35):
still a trace of the nick cut out of the
soft part of it. Who or what had pecked him? Oh, boy, chuck,
I think it's your turning. All right, it's getting eerie,
a little eerie. What's in the clock death? What's in
the clock death? All right? Here we go, okay. One
(10:02):
Saturday morning, when Larry was down at the office working
over some important special accounts, Bob Chambers came to the
front porch and rang the bell. Doris was taking a
quick shower. She'd dried herself and slipped into her robe.
When she opened the door, Bob stepped inside, grinning, Hi,
he said, looking around. It's all right, Larry's at the office. Fine.
(10:22):
Bob gazed at her slim legs below the hymn of
the robe. How nice you look today, she laughed, Be careful.
Maybe I shouldn't let you in. After all, it's getting naughty,
very naughty. They looked at one another, half amused, half frightened. Presently,
Bob said, if you want, i'll know. For God's sake,
(10:44):
She caught hold of his sleeve. Just get out of
the doorway so I can close it. Mrs Peters across
the street. You know. She closed the door, and I
want to show you something, she said, you haven't seen it.
He was interested, an antique or what she doesn't of course,
what else would it be. She took his arm, leading
(11:04):
him toward the dining room. You'll love it, Bobby, she stopped,
wide eyed. I hope you will. You must, you must
love it. It means so much to me. He means
so much. He Bob frowned. Who is he? Doris laughed, Oh,
you're jealous. Come on. A moment later, they stood before
the clock, looking up at it. He'll come out in
(11:26):
a few minutes. Wait until you see him. I know
you two will get along just fine. What does Larry
think of him? They don't like each other. Sometimes when
Larry's here, he won't come out. Larry gets mad if
he doesn't come out on time, he says, says what.
Doris looked down. He always says he's been robbed, even
(11:46):
if he did get it wholesale. She brightened. But I
know he won't come out because he doesn't like Larry.
When I'm here alone, he comes right out for me
every fifteen minutes, even though he really only has to
come out on the hour. She gazed up at the clock.
He comes out for me because he wants to we talk.
I tell him things. Of course, I'd like to have
(12:08):
him upstairs in my room, but it wouldn't be right.
There was a sound of footsteps on the porch. They
looked at each other horrified. Larry pushed the front door open, grunting.
He set his briefcase down and took off his hat.
Then he saw Bob for the first time. Chambers, I'll
be darned. His eyes narrowed. What are you doing here?
(12:30):
He came into the dining room. Doris drew her robe
around her hopelessly backing away. I uh, Bob began that
that is we uh. He broke off, glancing at Doris. Suddenly,
the clock began to were The cuckoo came rushing out,
bursting into sound. Larry moved toward him. Shut that din off,
he said. He raised his fist toward the clock. The
(12:53):
cuckoo snapped into silence and retreated. The door closed. That's better,
Larry studied, Doris and Job, standing mutely together. I came
over to look at the clock, Bob said. Doris told
me that it's a rare antique and that nuts. I
bought it myself. Larry walked up to him. Get out
of here, he turned the Doris YouTube and take that
(13:15):
dank clock with you, he paused, rubbing his chin. No,
leave the clock here. It's mine. I bought it and
paid for it. Is a such a classic Larry move,
I know. And if I had a dime for every time.
(13:37):
You know, one of Emily's boyfriends came over to look
at our antique clocks. Right, they're new and wholesale. Certainly
it's making sense to you, huh, I think, uh, yeah,
I know this story well. Um In thes that followed
(14:00):
after Doris left, Larry and the cuckoo clock got along
even worse than before. For one thing, the cuckoo stayed
inside most of the time, sometimes even at twelve o'clock,
when he should have been busiest, and if he did
come out at all, he usually spoke only once or twice,
never the correct number of times, and there was a sullen,
uncooperative tone in his voice, the jarring sound that made
(14:23):
Larry uneasy and a little angry. But he kept the
clock wound because the house was very still and quiet,
and it got on his nerves not to hear someone
running around talking and dropping things, And even the worrying
of a clock sounded good to him. But he didn't
like the cuckoo at all, and sometimes he spoke to him. Listen,
(14:44):
he said late one night, to the closed little door.
I know you can hear me. I ought to give
you back to the Germans, back to the black forest.
He paced back and forth. I wonder what they're doing now,
the two of them, young punk, with his books and
his antiques. A man shouldn't be interested in antiques. That's
for women, he said, his jaw, isn't that right? The
(15:05):
clock said nothing. Larry walked up in front of it.
Isn't that right, he demanded. Don't you have anything to say?
He looked at the face of the clock. It was
almost eleven, just a few seconds before the hour. All right,
I'll wait until eleven. Then I want to hear what
you have to say. You've been pretty quiet the last
few weeks since she left, he grinned, Riley. Maybe you
(15:27):
don't like it here since she's gone, he scowled. While
I paid for you, and you're coming out, whether you
like it or not. You hear me. Eleven o'clock came
far off at the end of town. The great tower
clock boomed sleepily to itself, but the little door remained shut.
Nothing moved, The minute hand passed on, and the cuckoo
(15:49):
did not stir. It was someplace inside the clock, beyond
the door, silent and remote. All right, if that's the
way you feel, Larry murmured, his lips twisting. But it
is and fair. It's your job to come out. We
all have to do things we don't like. He went
unhappily into the kitchen and opened the great gleaming refrigerator.
(16:09):
As he poured himself a drink, he thought about the clock.
There was no doubt about it. The cuckoo should come
out doors or no. Doris. He had always liked her
from the very start. They had got along well, the
two of them. Probably he liked Bob too. Probably he
had seen enough of Bob to get to know him.
They would be quite happy together, Bob and Doris and
(16:29):
the cuckoo. Larry finished his drink. He opened the drawer
at the sink and took out the hammer. He carried
it carefully into the dining room. The clock was taking
gently to itself on the wall. Look, he said, waving
the hammock. You know what I have here. You know
what I'm gonna do with it. I'm gonna start on
you first, he smiled, Birds of a feather, that's what
(16:52):
you are, the three of you. Larry is losing it,
I think, Chuck. Yeah, that she split. Yeah, he kicked him.
He kicked her out with Chambers when he caught them.
And now he's just alone with his thoughts, drunk in
a hammer and uh, the cuckoo clock. That's really taking
him off. Like so many Germans. The room was silent.
(17:15):
Are you coming out or do I have to come
in and get you? The clock word a little. I
hear you in there. You've got a lot of talking
to do. Enough for the last three weeks, as I
figure it, you owe me. The door opened, the cuckoo
came out fast, straight at him. Larry was looking down,
(17:35):
his brow wrinkled and thought. He glanced up, and the
cuckoo caught him squarely in the up. Down He went
to hammer and share and everything, hitting the floor with
a tremendous crash. For a moment, the cuckoo paused, his
small body poised rigidly. Then it went back inside its house.
The door snapped tight shut after it. The man lay
(17:57):
on the floor, stretched out grotesque, his head bent over
to one side. Nothing moved horse. The room was completely silent, except,
of course, for the ticking of the clock. Did this
clock kill him? Did you read the story? I mean no,
(18:19):
I like to be surprised. Well, then wait for the rest, chuck,
and you take it from here? Do you read him
ahead of time? Oh? Man, I don't. They would like
to go in fresh like Castanza's dad. I see, Doris said,
(18:41):
her face tight. Bob put his arm around her, steadying her.
Doctor Bob said, can I ask you something? Of course,
the doctor said, is it very easy to break your
neck falling from so low a chair? It wasn't very
far to fall. I wonder if it might not have
been an accident. Is there an chance it might have
(19:01):
been suicide? The doctor rubbed his jaw. I never heard
of anyone committing suicide that way. It was an accident.
I'm positive I don't mean suicide. Bob murmured under his breath,
looking up at the clock on the wall. I meant
something else, but no one heard him. Beautiful Chuck Pravo
(19:27):
killed that man? It did? It didn't like that Guff.
I think the threat with the hammer is what really
pushed the cuckoo over the edge, so straight into the
brain through the orbital socket there, I guess, or else
it caught him so surprised that he threw himself back
off the chair and broke his neck on the floor.
Who knows the doctor is ever gonna find out? He's
(19:48):
clearly lazy. Yeah, this doctor doesn't care. The big question
is did Doris do a little twirl when she found
out that Larry had died and that the cuckoo had
killed him? And I think so, And I think Bob
should be free to quite honestly, I think Bob's gonna
be okay because the cuckoo is clearly a demon servant
(20:08):
of Doris, and if Doris is happy with Bob, then
Bob's in the right Bob needs to stay on doors
is good side or then yeah, he's in trouble. If not, alright,
good pick, good pick too. Oh yeah that was my pick. Thanks,
I appreciate it, and we're gonna do your pick, which
I've got to say, of the two, this is I mean,
this is just straight up great horror fiction. Yeah, this
(20:31):
is good stuff. This is from an author named m. R. James,
not Mr James, no Mr James, m R James, and
it's called Rats. And I hope everyone is joining this
add free episode per tradition, Yeah, per Halloween scary, scare
the pants off and then back on you traditions. Right.
(20:52):
We're not even gonna plug our book that's available for preorder. No,
I can't see us plugging stuff. You should know Colon
and Complete Companion mostly interesting things in an ad free
episode right now or the audio book since people are
listening to us reading. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. But
we would never say something along the lines of like
It's available for pre order now everywhere you buy books,
(21:14):
and out in November. Right, Okay, I think we've killed
the spooky mood enough. Oh it was dead from the
beginning when we were laughing at Larry being such a jerk,
you know, all right, gather the kids around, everyone, and
here we go with rats by m R James. Shall
I start this one? I think so? Man, all right?
(21:40):
And if you was to walk through the bedrooms now,
you'd see the ragged, moldy bedcloths, a heaving and a
heaving like seas, and the heaving and to heaving with
what he says, why with the rats under him? It's
a good start, huh it is. It's a great start.
But was it with the rats? I ask, because in
(22:03):
another case it was not. I cannot put a date
to the story, but I was young when I heard it,
and the teller was old. It is an ill proportioned tale,
but that is my fault, not his. It happened in Suffolk,
near the coast, or however you pronounced Suffolk, in a
place where the road makes a sudden dip and then
(22:25):
a sudden rise as you go northward. At the top
of the rise stands a house on the left of
the road. It is a tall red brick house, narrow
for its height. Perhaps it was built about seventeen seventy.
The top of the front has a low triangular pediment
with a round window in the center. Behind it are
stables and offices in such garden as it has is
(22:47):
behind them. Scraggy Scotch firs are near it. An expanse
of gorse covered land stretches away from it. It commands
a view of the distant sea from the upper windows
of the front. A sign the post stands before the door,
or did so stand for though it was an inn
of repute once, I believe it is so no longer.
(23:09):
To this end came my acquaintance Mr. Thompson, when he
was a young man on a fine spring day, coming
from the University of Cambridge, and desirous of solitude and
tolerable quarters and time for reading. These he found for
the landlord and his wife had been in service and
could make a visitor comfortable, and there was no one
else staying in the inn. He had a large room
(23:30):
in the first floor, commanding the road and the view,
and if it faced east, why that could not be helped?
The house was well built and warm, very nice, thank you,
and mar James knows how to set things, doesn't me? Okay.
(23:50):
He spent very tranquil and uneventful days, working all the
morning and afternoon, perambulation of the country round, a little
conversation with country company or the people of the inn
in the evening over the then fashionable drink of brandy
and water, a little more reading and writing, and bed,
and he would have been content that this should continue
for the full month he had at his disposal. So
(24:13):
well was his work progressing, and so fine was the
April of that year, which I have reason to believe
was that which Orlando Whistlecraft chronicles in his weather record
as the charming year, which, by the way, I looked
that up, and that would be. One of his walks
took him along the Northern road, which stands high and
(24:35):
traverses a wide common called the Heath. On the bright
afternoon when he first chose this direction, his eye caught
a white object some hundreds of yards to the left
of the road, and he felt it necessary to make
sure what this might be. It was not long before
he was standing by it, and he found himself looking
at a square block of white stone, fashioned somewhat like
(24:55):
the base of a pillar with a square hole in
the upper surface, Just such another you might see this
day on Thetford Heath. After taking stock of it, he
contemplated for a few minutes the view, which offered a
church tower or two, some red roofs of cottages and
windows winking in the sun, and the expanse of sea,
also with an occasional wink and gleam upon it. And
(25:17):
so pursued his way, Let me keep going, keep going.
In the desultory evening talk in the bar, he asked
why the white stone was there on the common, an
old fashioned thing, that is, said the landlord, Mr Betts.
Way was none of us alive when that was put there,
that's right, said another. It stands pretty high, said Mr Thompson.
(25:41):
I dare say a sea mark was on it some
time back. Yes, Mr Betts agreed. I have heard they
could see it from the boats. But or ever there was,
it fell to bits this long time. Good job too,
said a third townt lucky mark by what the old
men used to serve. Not look you for the fish,
and I mean just sorry, Why ever not, said Thompson. Well,
(26:05):
our never stray morself was the answer. But they had
some funny what I mean, peculiar them old chaps, and
I shouldn't wonder but what they made away with theirselves.
And then Thompson said, can everyone stop eating beef stew
while they're talking? I do have beef stew in my
in my mouth right now, busted, man, they're kind of
(26:28):
a funny bunch. Let me finish this one part. It
was impossible to get anything clearer than this, I guess
because the beefs too. The company, never very voluble, fell silent,
and when next someone spoke, it was a village affairs
and crops. Mr Betts was the speaker. All right, I
(26:51):
love this story man, m R James draws you into
it like plus also that that sounds like a very
nice way to spend a month in fine weather, eating writing,
walking around the countryside bed. That just sounds eating beef stew. Ye,
great accents. I've been waiting years for that. I wonder
(27:12):
if that was a a Suffolk one, Sure like it
did on Suffolk. Suffolks do not every day did Thompson
consult his health by taking a country walk. One very
fine afternoon found him busily writing at three o'clock. Then
he stretched himself and rose and walked out of his
(27:32):
room into the passage. Facing him was another room, then
the stairhead, then two more rooms, and one looking out
to the back, the other to the south. At the
south end of the passage was a window to which
he went, considering with himself that it was rather a
shame to waste such a fine afternoon. However, work was paramount.
(27:52):
Just at the moment he thought he would just take
five minutes off and go back to it, and those
five minutes he would employ the betsy, as could not
possibly object to looking at the other rooms in the passage,
which he had never seen. Nobody at all, it seemed,
was indoors, probably as it was market day, they were
all gone to the town except perhaps a maid in
(28:15):
the bar. Very still the house was, and the sun
shone really hot. Early flies buzzed in the window panes.
So he explored. The room facing his own was undistinguished
except for an old print of Bury Saint Edmund's. The
two next to him on his side of the passage
(28:36):
were gay and clean, with one window apiece, whereas his
had two remained. In the southwest room opposite to the last,
which he had entered. This was locked, but Thompson was
in a mood of quite indefensible curiosity, and feeling confident
that there could be no damaging secrets in a place
(28:56):
so easily got at, he proceeded to fetch the key
of his own room, and when that did not answer,
to collect the keys of the other three. It sounds
like he's doing a lot of work to get in there.
To me, he really wants to see what's in that room.
One of them fitted, and he opened the door. The
room had two windows looking south and west, so it
was as bright and the sun as hot upon it
(29:18):
as could be. Here there was no carpet, but bare boards,
no pictures, no washing stand, only a bed in the
farther corner, an iron bed with mattress and bolster, covered
with a bluish check counterpane. This featureless room, as you
can well imagine, And yet there was something that made
Thompson close the door very quickly and yet quietly behind him,
(29:43):
and lean against the window sill in the passage, actually
quivering all over. It was this that under the counterpane
someone lay, and not only lay, but stirred that it
was some one and not something was certain because the
shape of the head was unmistakable on the bolster, and
(30:04):
yet it was all covered. And no one lies with
covered head but a dead person. And this was not dead,
not truly dead for it heaved and shivered. Who I know? Counterpain?
By the ways a bedspread? So he saw something laying
(30:26):
covered under a bedspread on the bed. Do you guys
not have a counter pain? Or we know what a
counterpain was? Sure, we got counterpains in all of our
beds I had. Well, we do too, but we don't
call him counterpains because we're not nineteenth century briads. Weird.
What do you call him? Um? Bedspreads, blankets, beds, bedspread? Yeah, bedspread? Interesting,
(30:50):
you've never heard bedspread? Or you don't call him bed spreads.
I call him counterpains. Yeah, but bedspreads a lot, a
lot fun? Or to stay because it rhymes, because that's right?
Was that counterpaint? Do you want me to start ahead?
Where'd you leave off? I left off at? Shivered? Heaved
(31:11):
and shivered. This dead thing under the counterpane. Okay. If
he had seen these things in dusk or by the
light of a flickering candle, Thompson could have comforted himself
and talked of fancy on this bright day, that was impossible.
What was to be done? First, locked the door at
(31:34):
all costs. Very gingerly, he approached it, and, bending down, listened,
holding his breath. Perhaps there might be a sound of
heavy breathing in a prosaic explanation. There was absolute silence.
But as with a rather tremulous hand, he put the
key into the hole and turned it. It rattled, and
(31:56):
on the instant a stumbling, patting tread was heard coming
towards door. Thompson fled like a rabbit to his room
and locked himself in futile enough he knew it was
would doors and locks be any obstacle to what he suspected?
But it was all he could think of at the moment,
And in fact nothing happened. Only there was a time
of acute suspense, followed by a misery of doubt as
(32:18):
to what to do. The impulse, of course, was to
slip away as soon as possible from a house which
contained such an inmate. But only the day before he
had said he should be staying for at least a
week more, And how if he changed his plans could
he avoid the suspicion of having pried into places where
he certainly had no business. Moreover, either the bets is
(32:39):
knew all about the inmate and yet did not leave
the house, or knew nothing, which equally meant that there
was nothing to be afraid of, or knew just enough
to make them shut up the room, but not enough
to weigh on their spirits. In any of these cases,
it seemed that not much was to be feared, and certainly,
so far as he had no sort of ugly experience,
(33:00):
the whole the line of least resistance was to stay.
You know, all this guy had to do is go
downstairs and say, you know what, change of plans, I'm
gonna be moving on, great house? So long? Three yeah,
three stars, or maybe two now yeah. Or he could
(33:22):
have just run right out of the place and down
to the sea and swam away. It's a good point too,
you want to keep going? Or shall I pick up?
I think it's your turn, right. Well, he stayed out
as weak because he was so dumb he couldn't think
of a good excuse to leave. Nothing took him past
(33:42):
that door, and often he would pause in a quiet
hour of the day or night in the passage, and listen,
and listen, no sound whatsoever issued from that direction. You
might have thought that Thompson would have made some attempt
at ferreting out stories connected with the end, hardly perhaps
from bets, but from the parson of the parish, or
(34:04):
old people in the village, or the stew eaters at
the bar. But no. The reticence which commonly falls on
people who have strange experiences and believe in them, was
upon him. Nevertheless, as the end of his day drew near,
his yearning after some kind of explanation grew more and
more acute. On his solitary walks, he persisted in planning
(34:26):
out some way the least obtrusive of getting another daylight
glimpse into that room, and eventually arrived at this scheme.
He would leave by an afternoon train about four o'clock,
when his fly was waiting and his luggage on it,
he would make one lass expedition upstairs to look around
his own room and see if anything was left unpacked,
(34:46):
and then, with that key which he had contrived to oil,
as if that made any difference, the door should once
more be opened for a moment and shut so it
worked out, the bill was paid. The consequent small talk
gone through while the fly was loaded. And it flies
like an uber is that right, basically? Or a lift
(35:10):
or a black taxi, all driven by legal employees, regardless
of how you feel about that, Yes, well compensated legal employees.
Pleasant part of the country, been very comfortable thanks to
you and miss Betts. Hope to come back soon sometime
(35:31):
on one side. On the other, very glad you found satisfaction, sir,
done our best, always glad to have your good word,
very much favored. We've been with the weather to be sure.
This accents over the maybe a little irish and there.
I'm not sure what happened. I think you just slipped
into oscar wild. Then I'll just take a look upstairs
(35:51):
in case I've left a book or something out. No,
don't trouble, I'll be back in a minute. And as
noiselessly as possible, he stole to the door and opened it.
The shattering of the illusion, he almost laughed out loud.
The l o l nearly propped, or you might say,
sitting on the edge of the bed, was nothing in
(36:12):
the round world but a scarecrow, a scarecrow out of
the garden, of course, dumped into the deserted room. Yes,
but here amusements ceased? Has scarecrows bare bony feet? Do
their heads lull onto their shoulders? Have they iron collars
and links of chain about their necks? Can they get
up and move? If never? So stiffly across the floor
(36:35):
with wagging head and arms close at their sides, and
shiver all right, bring us home. The answer to that
is no, by the way, scared, No, can't do that.
Be a haunted scarecrow. But still you don't want to
mess with one of those either. The slam of the
(36:57):
door the dash to the stairhead to leap downstairs were
followed by a faint awaking Thompson saw Bets standing over
him with the brandy bottle in a very reproachful face.
You shouldn't have, Dune shout, really you shouldn't. It ain't
a kind of white to act by persons has done
the best they could for you. Thompson heard words of
this kind, but what he said in reply he did
(37:19):
not know. Mr Betts, and perhaps even more Mrs Betts
found it hard to accept his apologies and his assurances
that he would say no word that could damage the
good name of the house. However, they were accepted. Since
the train could not now be caught, it was arranged
that Thompson should be driven to the town to sleep there,
(37:39):
which personally I find a highly sensible plan. Should have
done it a week ago. That's right before he went.
The bets has told him what little they knew. They
say he was a landlord here a long time back
and was in with the highwaymen that had their beat
around the east. That's how he came by his end.
Hunging chain means, they say, up where you see that
(38:02):
stone where the gallows stood in. Yes, the fishermen made
away with that, I believe because they see it out
at seat and it keep the fish off according to
their idea. Yes, we add the account from the people
that add the house before we come. You keep that
room shut up, they says. But don't move the bed
out and you'll find there won't be no trouble, and
(38:24):
no more there has been, not once. He haven't come
out into the house though what he may do now,
there ain't no saying. Anyway, you're the first I know
on that's seen him since we've been here. I never
set eyes on him myself, nor don't want. And ever
since we made the servants rooms in the stapling, we
ain't add no difficulty that way. Only I do hope, sir,
(38:46):
and you'll keep a close tongue considering our house. Do
get talked about with more to this effect, And mind
that yelp review right, that's right, that's Funny's saying, basically
pretty much, I think you should take his home, since
it's your story. The promise of silence was kept for
(39:07):
many years. The occasion of my hearing the story at
last was this that when Mr Thompson came to stay
with my father, it fell to me to show him
to his room, and instead of letting me open the
door for him, he stepped forward and threw it open himself,
and then for some moments stood in the doorway, holding
up his candle and looking narrowly into the interior. Then
(39:31):
he seemed to recollect himself and said, I beg your pardon.
Very absurd, but I can't out doing that for a
particular reason. But that reason was I heard some days afterwards,
and you have heard now, m beautiful. So this guy's
(39:53):
scarred for life. He just can't walk into a room anymore.
Like a normal person. Yeah, of course not. He's seemed
like a long dead former owner of a house he
was staying and who's now chained by the neck to
a bed and still I guess, moving around hiding under bedspreads.
And they bought it knowing this right, because they were like,
don't worry about it, it's not a problem, basically. Yeah,
(40:14):
that's what they were saying, is that the former owners said,
you know, as long as you keep the room shut
and don't move the bed, you won't have any trouble
from the undead former owner who was hung for being
a highway robber. And for God's sakes, don't put a
couple of dead bolt locks on this thing or a
pad lock. Yeah, just a little tiny key that anybody
(40:34):
can come by. I love the story stuff. Yeah. And
if you liked either of these stories but you hated
our accents or whatever, go read them yourself. They're both online,
both our public domain. There's Beyond the Door by Philip K.
Dick and Rats by M. R. James and um, both
of them have a bunch of great little stories, don't
they chuck. Yeah, And in fact, there are far superior
(40:56):
readings on YouTube of these as well. Oh you want
to check goes out? Yeah? Yeah, if they don't have
our accents though, I'll tell you that. Nope, they're stew free. Well, everybody,
Hopefully the pants have been scared back onto you so
you're decent when trigger treaters come to your house. If
we're even doing that this year, who knows. But regardless
(41:18):
of how Halloween goes, have a safe and happy and
super great frightful Halloween, right, Chuck, That's right, Happy Halloween. Everybody.
(41:39):
Stuff You Should Know is a production of iHeart Radio's
How Stuff Works. For more podcasts for my heart Radio,
visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you
listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Stuff You Should Know, a production of Five
Heart Radios How Stuff Works. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
(00:21):
I'm Josh Scare the pants off you Clark, and there's
Charles Ghastly, Chuck Bryant and Jerry's floating out there somewhere
in the ether, which makes this Stuff you Should Know.
I thought you were going to say, Chuck, scare the
(00:41):
pants back on you Bryant. Oh, that's even better. Maybe
we should edit that in and say it again. But
with feeling. That's as much feeling as I can mustard
these days. Man. I'm with you, buddy, I'm with you,
but we're not here to talk about anything in the
world except scaring the pants off and then act on
people with our annual Halloween episode correct sir, So Chuck,
(01:06):
we come up with a couple of pretty good ones.
I would say this year, I'm in love with yours.
I think these are both really good. And I was
surprised to see Philip paid Dick had stuff in the
public domain. Well we read one of his last year.
Did yeah that the Hanging Man I think is what
it was called. It was very scary, very creepy, but
(01:26):
I think it was just last year that his stuff
first came in, which goes to show you how old
we are. I think it's not an age thing, right,
I think just certain ones were put in the public domain.
I feel like if they don't copyrighted after X number
of decades, automatically goes into the public domain. So yeah,
I think it's because we're old. Well, hats off to
(01:48):
Phil Dick for his great work. That's right, hats off
and pants off mics on. So you want to get
started with the Beyond the Door? Yeah, let's do it. Okay,
I'll take the part. How about that? It sounds wonderful.
Ladies and gentlemen, Please dim your lights, please um arouse
your sympathetic nervous systems, and prepared to hear Beyond the
(02:11):
Door by Philip K. Dick. Larry Thomas bought a cuckoo
clock for his wife, without knowing the price he would
(02:31):
have to pay. That night, at the dinner table, he
brought it out and set it down beside her plate.
Doris stared at it, her hand to her mouth. Oh
my god, what is it? She looked up at him,
bright eyed. Well open it. Doris tore the ribbon in
paper from the square package with her sharp nails, her
bosom rising and falling. Larry stood watching her as she
(02:53):
lifted the lid. He lit a cigarette and leaned against
the wall. A cuckoo clock, doors cried, a real old
cuckoo clock, like my mother had. She turned the clock
over and over, just like my mother had when Pete
was still alive. Her eyes sparkled with tears. It's made
in Germany, Larry said. After a moment, he added, Carl
(03:16):
got it for me wholesale. He knows some guy in
the clock business. Otherwise I wouldn't have He stopped. Doris
made a funny little sound. I mean, otherwise I wouldn't
have been able to afford it. He scowled. What's the
matter with you? You got your clock, haven't you. Isn't
that what you want? Doris sat holding onto the clock,
her fingers pressed against the brown wood well. Larry said,
(03:40):
what's the matter. He watched an amazement as she leaped
up and ran from the room, still clutching the clock.
He shook his head, never satisfied, they're all that way,
never get enough. He sat down at the table and
finished his meal. So I think we have a puts
(04:05):
on our hands. Chuck. Yeah, And I gotta say, I've
seen you with Humi and you're a wonderful husband. But
you played the part of your husband very well. Thank
you very much. I think from time to time you
might say I'm a natural. No, that was that was
well done. I don't I wonder what this guy's problem
is already. I'm guessing he's like a mid fifties average dude.
(04:28):
Not a very good gift giver. No, I mean, here's
a great gift. And let me just urinate all over.
Hold it still, so I don't mess. All right, you're ready,
I'm ready, Right, here we go. The cuckoo clock was
not very large. It was handmade, however, and there were
(04:49):
countless frets on it, little indentations and ornaments scored in
the soft wood. Doris sat on the bed, drying her
eyes and winding the clock. She set the hands by
her wristwatch. Presently, she carefully moved the hands to two
minutes of ten. She carried the clock over to the
dresser and propped it up. Then she sat waiting, her
(05:09):
hands twisted together in her lap, waiting for the cuckoo
to come out for the hour to strike. As she sat,
she thought about Larry and what he had said, and
what she had said too, for that matter, not that
she could be blamed for any of it. After all,
she couldn't keep listening to him forever without defending herself.
(05:29):
You had to blow your own trumpet in the world.
She touched her handkerchief to her eyes. Suddenly, Why did
he have to say that about getting it wholesale? Why
did he have to spoil it all? If he felt
that way, he needn't have got it in the first place.
She clenched her fists. He was so mean, so dang mean.
(05:50):
But she was glad that the little clock sitting there,
ticking to itself with its funny grilled edges in the door.
Inside the door was the cuckoo waiting to come out?
Was he listening his head cocked on one side, listening
to hear the clock strike so that he would know
to come out? Did he sleep between hours? Well, she
(06:12):
would soon see him, she could ask him, and she
would show the clock to Bob. He would love it.
Bob loved old things, even old stamps and buttons. He
liked to go with her to the stores. Of course,
it was a little awkward, but Larry had been staying
at the office so much, and that helped off. Only
Larry didn't call up sometimes too. There was a wir
(06:34):
the clock shuttered, and all at once the door opened.
The cuckoo came out, sliding swiftly. He paused and looked around, solemnly,
scrutinizing her, the room, the furniture. It was the first
time he had seen her, she realized, Smiling to herself
in pleasure, she stood up, coming toward him shyly. Go on,
(06:56):
she said, I'm waiting. The cuckoo opened his bill. He
worred and chirped quickly rhythmically. Then after a moment of contemplation,
he retired and the door snap shut. She was delighted.
She clapped her hands and spun in a little circle.
She five years old. I guess she's a tad dad.
(07:18):
I love it. He was marvelous, perfect, and the way
he had looked around, studying her, sizing her up. He
liked her. She was certain of it, and she of
course loved him at once completely. He was just what
she had hoped would come out of the little door.
Doris went to the clock. She bent over the little door,
her lips close to the woods. Do you hear me?
(07:42):
She whispered. I think you're the most wonderful cuckoo in
the world. She paused, embarrassed. I hope you'll like it here.
Then she went downstairs again, slowly, her head high. Very nice, Chuck.
That was a great Doris. And I think I didn't
(08:03):
know where Doris is coming from. She's very likable at
this point. She's delighted by simple things, right. She does
little twirls and spins and stuff, which I mean, how
can you dislike that? You know? Okay, I'm picking up
again with moa. Larry and the cuckoo clock really never
(08:32):
got along well from the start. Doris said it was
because he didn't wind it right and it didn't like
being only half wound all the time. Larry turned the
job of winding over to her. The cuckoo came out
every quarter hour and ran the spring down without remorse,
and someone had to be ever after it winding it
up again. Doris did her best, but she forgot a
(08:53):
good deal of the time. Then Larry would throw his
newspaper down with an elaborate weary motion and stand up.
He would go into the dining room, where the clock
was mounted on the wall over the fireplace. He would
take the clock down, and making sure that he had
his thumb over the little door, he would wind it up.
Why do you put your thumb over the door, Doris asked,
(09:13):
Once you're supposed to? She raised an eyebrow. Are you sure?
I wonder if it isn't that you don't want him
to come out while you're standing so close? Why not?
Maybe you're afraid of him? Larry laughed. He put the
clock back on the wall and gingerly removed his thumb.
When Doris wasn't looking, he examined his thumb. There was
(09:35):
still a trace of the nick cut out of the
soft part of it. Who or what had pecked him? Oh, boy, chuck,
I think it's your turning. All right, it's getting eerie,
a little eerie. What's in the clock death? What's in
the clock death? All right? Here we go, okay. One
(10:02):
Saturday morning, when Larry was down at the office working
over some important special accounts, Bob Chambers came to the
front porch and rang the bell. Doris was taking a
quick shower. She'd dried herself and slipped into her robe.
When she opened the door, Bob stepped inside, grinning, Hi,
he said, looking around. It's all right, Larry's at the office. Fine.
(10:22):
Bob gazed at her slim legs below the hymn of
the robe. How nice you look today, she laughed, Be careful.
Maybe I shouldn't let you in. After all, it's getting naughty,
very naughty. They looked at one another, half amused, half frightened. Presently,
Bob said, if you want, i'll know. For God's sake,
(10:44):
She caught hold of his sleeve. Just get out of
the doorway so I can close it. Mrs Peters across
the street. You know. She closed the door, and I
want to show you something, she said, you haven't seen it.
He was interested, an antique or what she doesn't of course,
what else would it be. She took his arm, leading
(11:04):
him toward the dining room. You'll love it, Bobby, she stopped,
wide eyed. I hope you will. You must, you must
love it. It means so much to me. He means
so much. He Bob frowned. Who is he? Doris laughed, Oh,
you're jealous. Come on. A moment later, they stood before
the clock, looking up at it. He'll come out in
(11:26):
a few minutes. Wait until you see him. I know
you two will get along just fine. What does Larry
think of him? They don't like each other. Sometimes when
Larry's here, he won't come out. Larry gets mad if
he doesn't come out on time, he says, says what.
Doris looked down. He always says he's been robbed, even
(11:46):
if he did get it wholesale. She brightened. But I
know he won't come out because he doesn't like Larry.
When I'm here alone, he comes right out for me
every fifteen minutes, even though he really only has to
come out on the hour. She gazed up at the clock.
He comes out for me because he wants to we talk.
I tell him things. Of course, I'd like to have
(12:08):
him upstairs in my room, but it wouldn't be right.
There was a sound of footsteps on the porch. They
looked at each other horrified. Larry pushed the front door open, grunting.
He set his briefcase down and took off his hat.
Then he saw Bob for the first time. Chambers, I'll
be darned. His eyes narrowed. What are you doing here?
(12:30):
He came into the dining room. Doris drew her robe
around her hopelessly backing away. I uh, Bob began that
that is we uh. He broke off, glancing at Doris. Suddenly,
the clock began to were The cuckoo came rushing out,
bursting into sound. Larry moved toward him. Shut that din off,
he said. He raised his fist toward the clock. The
(12:53):
cuckoo snapped into silence and retreated. The door closed. That's better,
Larry studied, Doris and Job, standing mutely together. I came
over to look at the clock, Bob said. Doris told
me that it's a rare antique and that nuts. I
bought it myself. Larry walked up to him. Get out
of here, he turned the Doris YouTube and take that
(13:15):
dank clock with you, he paused, rubbing his chin. No,
leave the clock here. It's mine. I bought it and
paid for it. Is a such a classic Larry move,
I know. And if I had a dime for every time.
(13:37):
You know, one of Emily's boyfriends came over to look
at our antique clocks. Right, they're new and wholesale. Certainly
it's making sense to you, huh, I think, uh, yeah,
I know this story well. Um In thes that followed
(14:00):
after Doris left, Larry and the cuckoo clock got along
even worse than before. For one thing, the cuckoo stayed
inside most of the time, sometimes even at twelve o'clock,
when he should have been busiest, and if he did
come out at all, he usually spoke only once or twice,
never the correct number of times, and there was a sullen,
uncooperative tone in his voice, the jarring sound that made
(14:23):
Larry uneasy and a little angry. But he kept the
clock wound because the house was very still and quiet,
and it got on his nerves not to hear someone
running around talking and dropping things, And even the worrying
of a clock sounded good to him. But he didn't
like the cuckoo at all, and sometimes he spoke to him. Listen,
(14:44):
he said late one night, to the closed little door.
I know you can hear me. I ought to give
you back to the Germans, back to the black forest.
He paced back and forth. I wonder what they're doing now,
the two of them, young punk, with his books and
his antiques. A man shouldn't be interested in antiques. That's
for women, he said, his jaw, isn't that right? The
(15:05):
clock said nothing. Larry walked up in front of it.
Isn't that right, he demanded. Don't you have anything to say?
He looked at the face of the clock. It was
almost eleven, just a few seconds before the hour. All right,
I'll wait until eleven. Then I want to hear what
you have to say. You've been pretty quiet the last
few weeks since she left, he grinned, Riley. Maybe you
(15:27):
don't like it here since she's gone, he scowled. While
I paid for you, and you're coming out, whether you
like it or not. You hear me. Eleven o'clock came
far off at the end of town. The great tower
clock boomed sleepily to itself, but the little door remained shut.
Nothing moved, The minute hand passed on, and the cuckoo
(15:49):
did not stir. It was someplace inside the clock, beyond
the door, silent and remote. All right, if that's the
way you feel, Larry murmured, his lips twisting. But it
is and fair. It's your job to come out. We
all have to do things we don't like. He went
unhappily into the kitchen and opened the great gleaming refrigerator.
(16:09):
As he poured himself a drink, he thought about the clock.
There was no doubt about it. The cuckoo should come
out doors or no. Doris. He had always liked her
from the very start. They had got along well, the
two of them. Probably he liked Bob too. Probably he
had seen enough of Bob to get to know him.
They would be quite happy together, Bob and Doris and
(16:29):
the cuckoo. Larry finished his drink. He opened the drawer
at the sink and took out the hammer. He carried
it carefully into the dining room. The clock was taking
gently to itself on the wall. Look, he said, waving
the hammock. You know what I have here. You know
what I'm gonna do with it. I'm gonna start on
you first, he smiled, Birds of a feather, that's what
(16:52):
you are, the three of you. Larry is losing it,
I think, Chuck. Yeah, that she split. Yeah, he kicked him.
He kicked her out with Chambers when he caught them.
And now he's just alone with his thoughts, drunk in
a hammer and uh, the cuckoo clock. That's really taking
him off. Like so many Germans. The room was silent.
(17:15):
Are you coming out or do I have to come
in and get you? The clock word a little. I
hear you in there. You've got a lot of talking
to do. Enough for the last three weeks, as I
figure it, you owe me. The door opened, the cuckoo
came out fast, straight at him. Larry was looking down,
(17:35):
his brow wrinkled and thought. He glanced up, and the
cuckoo caught him squarely in the up. Down He went
to hammer and share and everything, hitting the floor with
a tremendous crash. For a moment, the cuckoo paused, his
small body poised rigidly. Then it went back inside its house.
The door snapped tight shut after it. The man lay
(17:57):
on the floor, stretched out grotesque, his head bent over
to one side. Nothing moved horse. The room was completely silent, except,
of course, for the ticking of the clock. Did this
clock kill him? Did you read the story? I mean no,
(18:19):
I like to be surprised. Well, then wait for the rest, chuck,
and you take it from here? Do you read him
ahead of time? Oh? Man, I don't. They would like
to go in fresh like Castanza's dad. I see, Doris said,
(18:41):
her face tight. Bob put his arm around her, steadying her.
Doctor Bob said, can I ask you something? Of course,
the doctor said, is it very easy to break your
neck falling from so low a chair? It wasn't very
far to fall. I wonder if it might not have
been an accident. Is there an chance it might have
(19:01):
been suicide? The doctor rubbed his jaw. I never heard
of anyone committing suicide that way. It was an accident.
I'm positive I don't mean suicide. Bob murmured under his breath,
looking up at the clock on the wall. I meant
something else, but no one heard him. Beautiful Chuck Pravo
(19:27):
killed that man? It did? It didn't like that Guff.
I think the threat with the hammer is what really
pushed the cuckoo over the edge, so straight into the
brain through the orbital socket there, I guess, or else
it caught him so surprised that he threw himself back
off the chair and broke his neck on the floor.
Who knows the doctor is ever gonna find out? He's
(19:48):
clearly lazy. Yeah, this doctor doesn't care. The big question
is did Doris do a little twirl when she found
out that Larry had died and that the cuckoo had
killed him? And I think so, And I think Bob
should be free to quite honestly, I think Bob's gonna
be okay because the cuckoo is clearly a demon servant
(20:08):
of Doris, and if Doris is happy with Bob, then
Bob's in the right Bob needs to stay on doors
is good side or then yeah, he's in trouble. If not, alright,
good pick, good pick too. Oh yeah that was my pick. Thanks,
I appreciate it, and we're gonna do your pick, which
I've got to say, of the two, this is I mean,
this is just straight up great horror fiction. Yeah, this
(20:31):
is good stuff. This is from an author named m. R. James,
not Mr James, no Mr James, m R James, and
it's called Rats. And I hope everyone is joining this
add free episode per tradition, Yeah, per Halloween scary, scare
the pants off and then back on you traditions. Right.
(20:52):
We're not even gonna plug our book that's available for preorder. No,
I can't see us plugging stuff. You should know Colon
and Complete Companion mostly interesting things in an ad free
episode right now or the audio book since people are
listening to us reading. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. But
we would never say something along the lines of like
It's available for pre order now everywhere you buy books,
(21:14):
and out in November. Right, Okay, I think we've killed
the spooky mood enough. Oh it was dead from the
beginning when we were laughing at Larry being such a jerk,
you know, all right, gather the kids around, everyone, and
here we go with rats by m R James. Shall
I start this one? I think so? Man, all right?
(21:40):
And if you was to walk through the bedrooms now,
you'd see the ragged, moldy bedcloths, a heaving and a
heaving like seas, and the heaving and to heaving with
what he says, why with the rats under him? It's
a good start, huh it is. It's a great start.
But was it with the rats? I ask, because in
(22:03):
another case it was not. I cannot put a date
to the story, but I was young when I heard it,
and the teller was old. It is an ill proportioned tale,
but that is my fault, not his. It happened in Suffolk,
near the coast, or however you pronounced Suffolk, in a
place where the road makes a sudden dip and then
(22:25):
a sudden rise as you go northward. At the top
of the rise stands a house on the left of
the road. It is a tall red brick house, narrow
for its height. Perhaps it was built about seventeen seventy.
The top of the front has a low triangular pediment
with a round window in the center. Behind it are
stables and offices in such garden as it has is
(22:47):
behind them. Scraggy Scotch firs are near it. An expanse
of gorse covered land stretches away from it. It commands
a view of the distant sea from the upper windows
of the front. A sign the post stands before the door,
or did so stand for though it was an inn
of repute once, I believe it is so no longer.
(23:09):
To this end came my acquaintance Mr. Thompson, when he
was a young man on a fine spring day, coming
from the University of Cambridge, and desirous of solitude and
tolerable quarters and time for reading. These he found for
the landlord and his wife had been in service and
could make a visitor comfortable, and there was no one
else staying in the inn. He had a large room
(23:30):
in the first floor, commanding the road and the view,
and if it faced east, why that could not be helped?
The house was well built and warm, very nice, thank you,
and mar James knows how to set things, doesn't me? Okay.
(23:50):
He spent very tranquil and uneventful days, working all the
morning and afternoon, perambulation of the country round, a little
conversation with country company or the people of the inn
in the evening over the then fashionable drink of brandy
and water, a little more reading and writing, and bed,
and he would have been content that this should continue
for the full month he had at his disposal. So
(24:13):
well was his work progressing, and so fine was the
April of that year, which I have reason to believe
was that which Orlando Whistlecraft chronicles in his weather record
as the charming year, which, by the way, I looked
that up, and that would be. One of his walks
took him along the Northern road, which stands high and
(24:35):
traverses a wide common called the Heath. On the bright
afternoon when he first chose this direction, his eye caught
a white object some hundreds of yards to the left
of the road, and he felt it necessary to make
sure what this might be. It was not long before
he was standing by it, and he found himself looking
at a square block of white stone, fashioned somewhat like
(24:55):
the base of a pillar with a square hole in
the upper surface, Just such another you might see this
day on Thetford Heath. After taking stock of it, he
contemplated for a few minutes the view, which offered a
church tower or two, some red roofs of cottages and
windows winking in the sun, and the expanse of sea,
also with an occasional wink and gleam upon it. And
(25:17):
so pursued his way, Let me keep going, keep going.
In the desultory evening talk in the bar, he asked
why the white stone was there on the common, an
old fashioned thing, that is, said the landlord, Mr Betts.
Way was none of us alive when that was put there,
that's right, said another. It stands pretty high, said Mr Thompson.
(25:41):
I dare say a sea mark was on it some
time back. Yes, Mr Betts agreed. I have heard they
could see it from the boats. But or ever there was,
it fell to bits this long time. Good job too,
said a third townt lucky mark by what the old
men used to serve. Not look you for the fish,
and I mean just sorry, Why ever not, said Thompson. Well,
(26:05):
our never stray morself was the answer. But they had
some funny what I mean, peculiar them old chaps, and
I shouldn't wonder but what they made away with theirselves.
And then Thompson said, can everyone stop eating beef stew
while they're talking? I do have beef stew in my
in my mouth right now, busted, man, they're kind of
(26:28):
a funny bunch. Let me finish this one part. It
was impossible to get anything clearer than this, I guess
because the beefs too. The company, never very voluble, fell silent,
and when next someone spoke, it was a village affairs
and crops. Mr Betts was the speaker. All right, I
(26:51):
love this story man, m R James draws you into
it like plus also that that sounds like a very
nice way to spend a month in fine weather, eating writing,
walking around the countryside bed. That just sounds eating beef stew. Ye,
great accents. I've been waiting years for that. I wonder
(27:12):
if that was a a Suffolk one, Sure like it
did on Suffolk. Suffolks do not every day did Thompson
consult his health by taking a country walk. One very
fine afternoon found him busily writing at three o'clock. Then
he stretched himself and rose and walked out of his
(27:32):
room into the passage. Facing him was another room, then
the stairhead, then two more rooms, and one looking out
to the back, the other to the south. At the
south end of the passage was a window to which
he went, considering with himself that it was rather a
shame to waste such a fine afternoon. However, work was paramount.
(27:52):
Just at the moment he thought he would just take
five minutes off and go back to it, and those
five minutes he would employ the betsy, as could not
possibly object to looking at the other rooms in the passage,
which he had never seen. Nobody at all, it seemed,
was indoors, probably as it was market day, they were
all gone to the town except perhaps a maid in
(28:15):
the bar. Very still the house was, and the sun
shone really hot. Early flies buzzed in the window panes.
So he explored. The room facing his own was undistinguished
except for an old print of Bury Saint Edmund's. The
two next to him on his side of the passage
(28:36):
were gay and clean, with one window apiece, whereas his
had two remained. In the southwest room opposite to the last,
which he had entered. This was locked, but Thompson was
in a mood of quite indefensible curiosity, and feeling confident
that there could be no damaging secrets in a place
(28:56):
so easily got at, he proceeded to fetch the key
of his own room, and when that did not answer,
to collect the keys of the other three. It sounds
like he's doing a lot of work to get in there.
To me, he really wants to see what's in that room.
One of them fitted, and he opened the door. The
room had two windows looking south and west, so it
was as bright and the sun as hot upon it
(29:18):
as could be. Here there was no carpet, but bare boards,
no pictures, no washing stand, only a bed in the
farther corner, an iron bed with mattress and bolster, covered
with a bluish check counterpane. This featureless room, as you
can well imagine, And yet there was something that made
Thompson close the door very quickly and yet quietly behind him,
(29:43):
and lean against the window sill in the passage, actually
quivering all over. It was this that under the counterpane
someone lay, and not only lay, but stirred that it
was some one and not something was certain because the
shape of the head was unmistakable on the bolster, and
(30:04):
yet it was all covered. And no one lies with
covered head but a dead person. And this was not dead,
not truly dead for it heaved and shivered. Who I know? Counterpain?
By the ways a bedspread? So he saw something laying
(30:26):
covered under a bedspread on the bed. Do you guys
not have a counter pain? Or we know what a
counterpain was? Sure, we got counterpains in all of our
beds I had. Well, we do too, but we don't
call him counterpains because we're not nineteenth century briads. Weird.
What do you call him? Um? Bedspreads, blankets, beds, bedspread? Yeah, bedspread? Interesting,
(30:50):
you've never heard bedspread? Or you don't call him bed spreads.
I call him counterpains. Yeah, but bedspreads a lot, a
lot fun? Or to stay because it rhymes, because that's right?
Was that counterpaint? Do you want me to start ahead?
Where'd you leave off? I left off at? Shivered? Heaved
(31:11):
and shivered. This dead thing under the counterpane. Okay. If
he had seen these things in dusk or by the
light of a flickering candle, Thompson could have comforted himself
and talked of fancy on this bright day, that was impossible.
What was to be done? First, locked the door at
(31:34):
all costs. Very gingerly, he approached it, and, bending down, listened,
holding his breath. Perhaps there might be a sound of
heavy breathing in a prosaic explanation. There was absolute silence.
But as with a rather tremulous hand, he put the
key into the hole and turned it. It rattled, and
(31:56):
on the instant a stumbling, patting tread was heard coming
towards door. Thompson fled like a rabbit to his room
and locked himself in futile enough he knew it was
would doors and locks be any obstacle to what he suspected?
But it was all he could think of at the moment,
And in fact nothing happened. Only there was a time
of acute suspense, followed by a misery of doubt as
(32:18):
to what to do. The impulse, of course, was to
slip away as soon as possible from a house which
contained such an inmate. But only the day before he
had said he should be staying for at least a
week more, And how if he changed his plans could
he avoid the suspicion of having pried into places where
he certainly had no business. Moreover, either the bets is
(32:39):
knew all about the inmate and yet did not leave
the house, or knew nothing, which equally meant that there
was nothing to be afraid of, or knew just enough
to make them shut up the room, but not enough
to weigh on their spirits. In any of these cases,
it seemed that not much was to be feared, and certainly,
so far as he had no sort of ugly experience,
(33:00):
the whole the line of least resistance was to stay.
You know, all this guy had to do is go
downstairs and say, you know what, change of plans, I'm
gonna be moving on, great house? So long? Three yeah,
three stars, or maybe two now yeah. Or he could
(33:22):
have just run right out of the place and down
to the sea and swam away. It's a good point too,
you want to keep going? Or shall I pick up?
I think it's your turn, right. Well, he stayed out
as weak because he was so dumb he couldn't think
of a good excuse to leave. Nothing took him past
(33:42):
that door, and often he would pause in a quiet
hour of the day or night in the passage, and listen,
and listen, no sound whatsoever issued from that direction. You
might have thought that Thompson would have made some attempt
at ferreting out stories connected with the end, hardly perhaps
from bets, but from the parson of the parish, or
(34:04):
old people in the village, or the stew eaters at
the bar. But no. The reticence which commonly falls on
people who have strange experiences and believe in them, was
upon him. Nevertheless, as the end of his day drew near,
his yearning after some kind of explanation grew more and
more acute. On his solitary walks, he persisted in planning
(34:26):
out some way the least obtrusive of getting another daylight
glimpse into that room, and eventually arrived at this scheme.
He would leave by an afternoon train about four o'clock,
when his fly was waiting and his luggage on it,
he would make one lass expedition upstairs to look around
his own room and see if anything was left unpacked,
(34:46):
and then, with that key which he had contrived to oil,
as if that made any difference, the door should once
more be opened for a moment and shut so it
worked out, the bill was paid. The consequent small talk
gone through while the fly was loaded. And it flies
like an uber is that right, basically? Or a lift
(35:10):
or a black taxi, all driven by legal employees, regardless
of how you feel about that, Yes, well compensated legal employees.
Pleasant part of the country, been very comfortable thanks to
you and miss Betts. Hope to come back soon sometime
(35:31):
on one side. On the other, very glad you found satisfaction, sir,
done our best, always glad to have your good word,
very much favored. We've been with the weather to be sure.
This accents over the maybe a little irish and there.
I'm not sure what happened. I think you just slipped
into oscar wild. Then I'll just take a look upstairs
(35:51):
in case I've left a book or something out. No,
don't trouble, I'll be back in a minute. And as
noiselessly as possible, he stole to the door and opened it.
The shattering of the illusion, he almost laughed out loud.
The l o l nearly propped, or you might say,
sitting on the edge of the bed, was nothing in
(36:12):
the round world but a scarecrow, a scarecrow out of
the garden, of course, dumped into the deserted room. Yes,
but here amusements ceased? Has scarecrows bare bony feet? Do
their heads lull onto their shoulders? Have they iron collars
and links of chain about their necks? Can they get
up and move? If never? So stiffly across the floor
(36:35):
with wagging head and arms close at their sides, and
shiver all right, bring us home. The answer to that
is no, by the way, scared, No, can't do that.
Be a haunted scarecrow. But still you don't want to
mess with one of those either. The slam of the
(36:57):
door the dash to the stairhead to leap downstairs were
followed by a faint awaking Thompson saw Bets standing over
him with the brandy bottle in a very reproachful face.
You shouldn't have, Dune shout, really you shouldn't. It ain't
a kind of white to act by persons has done
the best they could for you. Thompson heard words of
this kind, but what he said in reply he did
(37:19):
not know. Mr Betts, and perhaps even more Mrs Betts
found it hard to accept his apologies and his assurances
that he would say no word that could damage the
good name of the house. However, they were accepted. Since
the train could not now be caught, it was arranged
that Thompson should be driven to the town to sleep there,
(37:39):
which personally I find a highly sensible plan. Should have
done it a week ago. That's right before he went.
The bets has told him what little they knew. They
say he was a landlord here a long time back
and was in with the highwaymen that had their beat
around the east. That's how he came by his end.
Hunging chain means, they say, up where you see that
(38:02):
stone where the gallows stood in. Yes, the fishermen made
away with that, I believe because they see it out
at seat and it keep the fish off according to
their idea. Yes, we add the account from the people
that add the house before we come. You keep that
room shut up, they says. But don't move the bed
out and you'll find there won't be no trouble, and
(38:24):
no more there has been, not once. He haven't come
out into the house though what he may do now,
there ain't no saying. Anyway, you're the first I know
on that's seen him since we've been here. I never
set eyes on him myself, nor don't want. And ever
since we made the servants rooms in the stapling, we
ain't add no difficulty that way. Only I do hope, sir,
(38:46):
and you'll keep a close tongue considering our house. Do
get talked about with more to this effect, And mind
that yelp review right, that's right, that's Funny's saying, basically
pretty much, I think you should take his home, since
it's your story. The promise of silence was kept for
(39:07):
many years. The occasion of my hearing the story at
last was this that when Mr Thompson came to stay
with my father, it fell to me to show him
to his room, and instead of letting me open the
door for him, he stepped forward and threw it open himself,
and then for some moments stood in the doorway, holding
up his candle and looking narrowly into the interior. Then
(39:31):
he seemed to recollect himself and said, I beg your pardon.
Very absurd, but I can't out doing that for a
particular reason. But that reason was I heard some days afterwards,
and you have heard now, m beautiful. So this guy's
(39:53):
scarred for life. He just can't walk into a room anymore.
Like a normal person. Yeah, of course not. He's seemed
like a long dead former owner of a house he
was staying and who's now chained by the neck to
a bed and still I guess, moving around hiding under bedspreads.
And they bought it knowing this right, because they were like,
don't worry about it, it's not a problem, basically. Yeah,
(40:14):
that's what they were saying, is that the former owners said,
you know, as long as you keep the room shut
and don't move the bed, you won't have any trouble
from the undead former owner who was hung for being
a highway robber. And for God's sakes, don't put a
couple of dead bolt locks on this thing or a
pad lock. Yeah, just a little tiny key that anybody
(40:34):
can come by. I love the story stuff. Yeah. And
if you liked either of these stories but you hated
our accents or whatever, go read them yourself. They're both online,
both our public domain. There's Beyond the Door by Philip K.
Dick and Rats by M. R. James and um, both
of them have a bunch of great little stories, don't
they chuck. Yeah, And in fact, there are far superior
(40:56):
readings on YouTube of these as well. Oh you want
to check goes out? Yeah? Yeah, if they don't have
our accents though, I'll tell you that. Nope, they're stew free. Well, everybody,
Hopefully the pants have been scared back onto you so
you're decent when trigger treaters come to your house. If
we're even doing that this year, who knows. But regardless
(41:18):
of how Halloween goes, have a safe and happy and
super great frightful Halloween, right, Chuck, That's right, Happy Halloween. Everybody.
(41:39):
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