December 22, 2023 • 48 mins
It's that time again... Santa University is back for a SEVENTH installment!
Written and narrated by Jamie Loftus.
Performed by:
Caitlin Durante
Jack O'Brien
Miles Gray
Danl Goodman
Anna Hossnieh
Joelle Monique
Sophie Lichterman
Robert Evans
Shereen Younes
Ian Johnson
Margaret Killjoy
Prop
Sarah Marshall
Justin Smith
Victor Wright
Catherine Law
ENJOY!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Happy holidays everyone. We're back. We're back with the tradition
that won't quit, or it would be on me to
do it. And I'm scared too, and so I won't quit.
It'll keep going forever. Welcome to Santa University seven. My
(00:26):
name is Jamie Long. This is the seventh time we've
done this. It made me physically sick. I kept being like,
that can't be true. It's true. It's true. We started
in twenty seventeen and here we are, so welcome to
the Santa University expanded family. We've got a doozy this year.
I was thinking, you know these scripts, get Santa University
(00:50):
if this is your first time listening. Is my seven
hundred and fifty page script about a university full of Santa's.
We're a forty thousand in roll every year and only
one makes it to the end of the year. The
protagonist is a guy named Dan Santa. You'll learn more
about him in a little bit. It's a musical. It's
(01:11):
a slasher and this year it's a commentary. Some years
at Santa University. It's h I'm not thinking at all.
I've got no brain cells in my head. This year
we're getting thoughtful, and I think that you're gonna walk
away from this feeling not just baffled, but changed. So
(01:32):
let's get started. My name is Jamie. I will be
reading the human written action lines in this year's script.
How should we?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
How should we do this?
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Let's go. Let's Caitlyn. Caitlyn kick us off.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Hello. Hi, I'm Caitlin, and I will be reading the
part of Kevin. I believe well, I won't spoil anything Kevin.
We'll just say that, as well as reprising my role
as Sully.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Miles.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Hi, I'm Miles, and I'm playing Dan Santa.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Wow, the man himself.
Speaker 5 (02:15):
Magpie Hi, I'm Magpie. I'll be reading too many DVDs Santa,
as well as all of the AI action lines that
were not written by a human because I'm also not
a human so it makes sense.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Wow, Angel Catherine, I have some big shoes to fill
this year. I am reading Dean Santa, huge debut year Danel.
Speaker 6 (02:42):
Hi, I am Daniel, and I am reading Mole Santa.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Another new character. We're very excited. Sharene.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I'm Sharene and I'm going to be reprising my role
as Intellect Santa classic character Joelle.
Speaker 7 (02:59):
Hi, I'm Joel Monique. You'll find me playing Ai, Dan, Santa,
Cool Santa, and Jill Santa.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
As we'll talk about I made a huge mistake.
Speaker 8 (03:11):
Your turn, and I'll be playing Ai Jamie, a role
I was born to play, and Samantha Jones.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
The second role you were born to play.
Speaker 9 (03:28):
Honeys Hi, I am in a host nine. I'm reprising
my role of Gal Santa Sarah.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I'm Sarah, and I will be playing the role of
Image Scary.
Speaker 10 (03:48):
Uh prep prop what prop? I'll be playing head ass
Santa looking.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
At us, a requested character that I don't know if
I execute did very well the life Victor.
Speaker 11 (04:05):
Hi, my name is Victor. I'll be reading script notes.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Yes, the most manic part of the script.
Speaker 12 (04:12):
Justin.
Speaker 11 (04:13):
I am Justin.
Speaker 13 (04:14):
I will be playing Arms, whereas I should be Santa,
Mike Santa, and the cloaked figure. Pretty self explanatory. None
of these roles will be uncomfortable for me in any way.
Speaker 14 (04:24):
Shape.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I really do feel like I've done this to people, Okay,
several times Santa University four if I remember correctly, Robert.
Speaker 14 (04:35):
Evans, I'm going to be second Amendment Santa and primarily
the character of Jamie Loftus, which I.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Did bring on myself and yeah.
Speaker 15 (04:47):
What a do baby?
Speaker 12 (04:49):
I will be God Santa or whatever.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
And finally, Jack O'Briant.
Speaker 16 (04:58):
Hi, I'm jacqu O'Brien. I will be playing the Zazz
David Zazlove.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
It's true, shockingly large part this year. All right, Coln,
I really don't know this year. We'll see, we'll see.
I did finish it technically on time. All right, let's
get started. There's there's some business at the top. There's
some some script notes to start with.
Speaker 11 (05:26):
Launch. Between pages five sixty seven and five sixty nine
of the ingenious screenplay Santa University, in which forty thousand
Santas are admitted every year and only one graduate, are
a series of thumb drives marked sensitive jingle information. Within
(05:48):
on them are a series of surveillance footage conversations between
Jamie Loftus and widely hated Warner Brothers executive David Zaslov
from June of twenty twenty three. Wasn't that during the
writer's strike? It was that vindictive little bitch.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Interior Jamie Loftus's writing study night.
Speaker 11 (06:13):
The whole feel of this scene is eerie. Something isn't
quite right, which feels especially obvious in a work as
perfect as Santa University. Jamie doesn't quite sound like Jamie.
Dan Santa doesn't quite sound like Dan Santa. Even the
gorgeous voice that reads the action lines sounds better.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
And then a third script note, just kidding.
Speaker 11 (06:39):
It just felt weird to only have two enjoy the show, everybody.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
The room is filled with the soft glow of a
desk lamp, and the walls are adorned with inspiration boards
featuring festive images. Jamie Loftus, the creative mind behind Santa University,
sits at her desk, staring at a blank screen. Frustration
at you is her face as she battles with the
writer's block.
Speaker 8 (07:06):
Come on, Dan, I need something magical here.
Speaker 5 (07:10):
As Jamie mutters to herself, the air in the room shimmers,
and to her surprise, Dan Santa materializes in front of her.
Speaker 7 (07:18):
Did someone call for a bit of holiday magic?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Dan? What are you doing here?
Speaker 7 (07:26):
Well, it seems my creator is in need of some inspiration.
What's going on, Jamie.
Speaker 5 (07:32):
Jamie gestures to her computer screen, where a cursor blinks
on an empty document.
Speaker 8 (07:37):
Writer's block, That's what I can't seem to figure out.
The next chapter. It's like the holiday magic has left me.
Speaker 5 (07:45):
Dan Santa chuckles and takes a seat across from Jamie.
Speaker 7 (07:49):
You know, writing about the magic of Santa University is
a bit like spreading holiday cheer. Sometimes you just need
to tap into the spirit.
Speaker 8 (07:59):
Easier said than done, Dan.
Speaker 7 (08:03):
Think about what makes Santa University special? Is it the characters,
the camaraderie, the challenges they face. Find the heart of
the story and the words will flow.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Jamie nods deep in thought.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
You're right.
Speaker 8 (08:18):
It's about the characters, their connection and the joy they
bring to the world.
Speaker 7 (08:23):
Thanks Dan, anytime, Jamie. Now, let's bring the North Pole
to life on these pages.
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Inspired, Jamie starts typing, and as she does, the room
fills with a subtle jingling of bells and the distant
sound of laughter. The words flow effortlessly onto the screen
as Dan Santa watches with a twinkle in his eye.
Speaker 12 (08:43):
There you go.
Speaker 7 (08:44):
The magic was inside you all along.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Thanks Dan, I couldn't do it without you.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
As the scene unfolds in Jamie's writing study, the collaboration
between creator and character weaves the holiday magic back in
the Tale of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Hard Cut two interior David Zoslav's office June twenty twenty three,
made you look, bitch. The real Jamie loftis in her twenties,
let's say, or.
Speaker 15 (09:14):
At least looks like it.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
I hope you're gonna make me move out of Los
Angeles soon. I know. It sits at the desk of
noted Hollywood villain David Zoslav, who spent most of the
year lighting finished movies on fire for tax reasons, which
is showbiz speak for getting pp hard. He looks like shit,
but tragically can read. And that's part of the problem.
Speaker 14 (09:36):
That's the punch up script for Santa University, My life's work.
It sucks.
Speaker 15 (09:42):
Sh baby boys are talking.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
He pulls a slingshot from underneath his desk, which is
made of lead. Everything in the office is made of lead.
That's what daveyik. He looks out the window to where
writers are striking outside and puts an egg in the
slim shot. It hits David Lynch.
Speaker 7 (10:00):
I'll get you, you set of a bitch, A really
strong David Lynches enter the chat.
Speaker 15 (10:07):
I'll see you in court, you midwestern fuck. Oh my
god wow.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Page five hundred and sixty seven of the screenplay A
Santi University, and the amazing screenplay has already passed the
elusive Deck Dell test, which requires the two men named
David's threaten each other with violence. Jamie looks across the
desk at the punch up writer Amoj, a mannequin that
looks just like her, but has a computer where its
stomach should be. The mannequin also has huge boobs, which
(10:33):
doesn't seem fair that show business, baby.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
I hope you appreciated my efforts.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
When Amog says Jamie, it's fucked even though I didn't
write her saying Jamie, something's not quite right about it.
The actor should try saying Jamie again in that.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Fucked up way, Jamie.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I try it again, Jamie, Please just fucking try Jamie.
Speaker 14 (11:02):
Okay, I don't understand. You cost three billion dollars to make,
and you don't seem to understand the concept of looking
like shit and not being able.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
To I understand perfectly, Jamie loftus young millennials trying to
pass as gen Z Caspinett's not working, but I have
been hired by David Zaslov.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
The way Amos says David Zaslov is like how a
two thousands. Computer game says, your name all stilted in weird.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
To make your script more marketable to general audience. I
am the only reason people get new episodes of Young Sheldon.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
David Saslov sits back at his desk, putting the eggs.
He throws at writers back in their carden.
Speaker 16 (11:41):
That Amy Sherman Palladino sure can run, Jamie. I'm giving
you an opportunity here. We'll make Sanna University, and all
we need from you is to let us scary computer
rewrite it and also cross a pigot line. And also
we'll probably throw it away once it's done for tax purposes.
Speaker 15 (11:59):
But you gotta play. You got to work with emoge.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
iMOS, like said Jamie, scanning her face to use in
background scenes for Hacks. She auditioned for Hacks, and now
she's staring down the barrel of David Zaslov's sexy robot. Oh,
that's probably why imoj has big boobs.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
This is why I have big boobs.
Speaker 14 (12:23):
I'll try letting the computer write stand University for just
one scene, and if it works, I'll accept her as
my master.
Speaker 15 (12:30):
Great, could you bring her home with you?
Speaker 16 (12:32):
Actually, I have an appointment with another sex robot in
an hour and last time I left emoje in the room,
she scanned my humping style, and now it's the house
humping style in Young Sheldon.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Imoj stands up and shakily walks over to Jamie. They
head for the door where they open. Where they opened,
The two see the manions. They're much bigger in person.
The tallest minion and therefore in charge, gives Jamie a
sexy little look.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Bellow chica.
Speaker 14 (13:07):
Wow, I'm such a huge fan. I'm going to be sick.
Smiley face Emoji.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
No one ever talks about how the minions canonically worked
for Napoleon. It's in the first five minutes of Minions
from twenty fifteen. A lot of criticism for that new
Napoleon movie, but not a peep about how the minion's
involvement in French colonialism was completely erased. We used to
be a proper country. Just kidding, we didn't. David's Lost
Lives slingshots another egg out the window, take that bomb
(13:34):
Bach interior. Jamie's dirty apartment day. All is misery at
the apartment. It smells like litter, but there are no
cats around. Does Jamie use the litter, not enough lamp,
piece of bread on the floor. Emas and Jamie sit
at the table, not realizing there has been a gas
look at the apartment for weeks. Jamie looks at her laptop.
Speaker 14 (13:55):
So in this scene, Dan Sanna falls into a hole
and none of the other Santas help him. But it's
not just any hole, it's a city hole, and therefore
it's more complicated.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Which other Santa's are there.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Jamie consult her notebook, which is mostly covered in still wet.
Speaker 14 (14:09):
Ragusas the whole gang goth Santa Gal Santa armswear's eye
should be Santa Sully head ass Santa.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I am not familiar with the character of hat Ass Santa.
Speaker 6 (14:21):
Of course not.
Speaker 14 (14:22):
He only appears between pages five sixty seven and five
sixty nine of the movie Santa University.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Not wanting to waste another moment considering how machines will
replace her, Jamie frantically begins typing page five sixty seven scriptnote.
Speaker 11 (14:34):
The actor playing Jamie must be hitting the keyboard really
hard with their full palm, just slapping it.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Exterior Santa University outskirts near the city hole day Dan
Santa walks a lonely road just outside Santa University, the
only rote that he has ever known. There is a gigantic,
deep hole in the middle of the road that he's
walking straight toward. But his descent into looking like shit
and not being able to to read is so advanced
that he can no longer perceive city hole.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
I'm such a freaking loser.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah, He looks at the photo in his locket. It's
a picture of Natalie Portman and Black Swane. Who can
say why it seems to mean something to him? The fucko?
He takes one step forward and falls in the hole.
We hear him echo as he descends.
Speaker 9 (15:25):
No University.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Interior, the city Hall continuous. Dan Santa lands in the
hole far below. It's filthy and dangerous, surrounded by stalactites,
jarz a p and sad graffiti reading pork Santa? Was
he a dying in the hole? Twelve three, twenty ten.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
I wonder what that says. It's probably something nice.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
He looks up to the hole, but no one is there.
He looks both ways. Is it safe to sing a song?
Smash cut two Interior, Santa University Cafeteria, continuous. No one
notices Dan Santa isn't at lunch in spite of his
being the protagonist of Santa University. The whole gang Goth Santa,
Gal Santa, and Intellexanta chow down on jingle stew.
Speaker 12 (16:18):
The stew sure is thick.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Intellecxanta can barely talk through the almost solid stew.
Speaker 14 (16:24):
Sick with the joy of holiday season.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
But Gal Santa looks into the distance. This happens often
in Santa University, as the writer is not good at
women characters, and we'll sometimes just forget that they're even there.
Sometimes she'll just launch them out of the scene without warning.
But this time Gal Santa is pensive for a reason.
Speaker 12 (16:43):
What's wrong, Gal, You've barely touched your thick, joyful stew.
Speaker 9 (16:47):
I've got this weird feeling that Dan Santa is about
to sing a song.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
Not again. How many times we have to tell that
week's son of garbage.
Speaker 14 (16:56):
You don't want to hear him sing.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
Without warning, Intellexanta is suddenly launched out of the scene
through the glass ceiling of Santa University cafeteria.
Speaker 11 (17:05):
Scriptnoe. The irony of this is not intentional, and if
anyone writes a listical about it, I will start to
poison my boyfriend's food.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
So she bursts through the ceiling and out into the ether,
into the great nowhere. No one in the scene reacts.
Speaker 12 (17:22):
Where is he, gal Santa, use your feminine sonar or whatever.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Galsanta closes her eyes and focuses using her feminine sonar
to locate a man she personally murders. At the end
of the movie, she nods.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
The city hole into like.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Santa walks back into the scene a little disoriented. She's
been Sully, a fan favorite character who once fired Dan
Santa from Lidzo.
Speaker 12 (17:44):
Hey I'm back.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Was interior the city Hall continuous Dan Santa starts to
sing the tenth god Awful exhaust Sting Ballad of Santa University.
Speaker 11 (18:03):
Script note song must be commissioned from Sting. If you
cut corners and hire Phil Collins, I will be able
to tell I'm a virgin who sucks in.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Is not surprising.
Speaker 17 (18:19):
That the station, Santa, you were still freaking rising. I'm
so sad that I couldn't detail.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
The hole. Now I'm stuck in this hole. Locker Santa mo.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Unreal incredible As if summoned by plot magic mole, Santa
emerges from the shadows. He does not look like a
mole unless and I didn't finish that funny as he
joins in on the song without introducing himself to Dan Santa,
(19:04):
who could blame him? Dan Santa's a piece of shit.
Speaker 18 (19:07):
My name is Moul Santa, and I survive on Fanta.
Speaker 19 (19:12):
I only move through this hole.
Speaker 18 (19:14):
To escape Dan Santa. He looks like shit and he
troubles my soul, and I'm pissed that he's falling in
the city.
Speaker 15 (19:25):
Hoh.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
A third Santa peeks out from a stalactite. A third
Santa has hit the Santa University city hall. Is that
anything we start recording in twenty six minutes? It's head
ass Santa.
Speaker 19 (19:41):
I'm head ass Santa looking ass.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Stereeor Santa University outskirts near the city hall day Gal
Santa leads the way with Goth Intellect and Sully, using
her feminine sonar. Intellect and Sully are vibing. Sometimes the
only way to remember to use woman character is to
give her loud boyfriend, you.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Are still fucking beautiful, Intellectue Santo. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Oh no, damn, she's kind of pulled it out of
the scene anyway.
Speaker 12 (20:08):
Tough break, Are we close? Gal Santa, I'll be honest.
Without Dan Santa round, I tend to get lost in
the mix. I'm his roommate. Remember I love Tim Burton movie.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Yeah, Gal stops sniffs the air, nods.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
We're close.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Sure enough. The faint bars of Dan Santa's pathetic song
can be heard coming from the near distance from the
city hall.
Speaker 15 (20:33):
Oh shit, oh fuck.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
You know we're not gonna be able to resist joining
the song. Let's turn around at the rotarie before we
join in. Let's get a drink from the bubbla.
Speaker 9 (20:49):
I've spent my entire life, which we know nothing about
because the writer of Santa University didn't care resisting the
urge to break into song.
Speaker 12 (20:58):
We have to keep going.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
They sold your fourth as the music. It's louder. It's
getting harder to resist, God, Santa throws up.
Speaker 20 (21:07):
Y'all.
Speaker 21 (21:08):
Santa never wont to have my ket is it because
I was fired from Lee.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
When the emotion becomes too strong for speech, yo, you there.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
At the hole and Galsis can't resist. She joins in
this song, her veins straining against the desire.
Speaker 20 (21:37):
Cool Santa is my boyfriend. Dean Santa is my dad.
Actually that's not even true, As discussed in Santa. You six, though,
that plot point won't come.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Back until like Santa wanders out from the bush is
pissed off.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Hey, I'm back.
Speaker 15 (21:55):
Was that the city hall?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Continuous Head Santa is in the middle of telling Dan
Santa the story of his life when Gal Santa's gorgeous,
generation defining voice pulls his attention away.
Speaker 10 (22:06):
Hey, look, so I told my head ass father if
he really loved me.
Speaker 19 (22:12):
He looking ass Stop?
Speaker 4 (22:14):
I don't care, Gal Gal, is that you?
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Mol Santa puts his arm around a sad head ass Santa.
Speaker 6 (22:22):
I told you, man, Dan Sanda's a piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Exterior Santa University outskirts near the City Hall day Gal
Santa collapses to the ground.
Speaker 12 (22:32):
Theatrically miserable Galsanta, We're gonna like rescue you from this
horrible musical number. You know, I'm gonna get some things
too that that usually always.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Helps, And don't get Duncan and family guy intellects body
starts to shift involuntarily. She starts humming the theme from
Santa University to herself.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Who no, it's happening.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
When emotion gets too strong for song, you dance. It's
all of them now, They're all humming Santa University and
moving their hips from side to side.
Speaker 7 (23:06):
Go.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Santa has a huge butt, which is only coming up for.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
The first time.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Now intellect Santa is the one to break it. Begins
to sing.
Speaker 7 (23:14):
Every fucking year.
Speaker 8 (23:16):
Every fucking year they forget to write me something that
is even vaguely interruptlated and I A shot is heard.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Breaking the tortuous song. The gang whips around a gal
nearly falls into the hole. No one is injured this year.
No one gets injured except David Zaslav. Later he's fine,
though I can't get sued. Interior the City Hall Continuous,
Dan Santa screams in horror at the sound of the shot.
Speaker 4 (23:41):
First I fall in the city hole, then the woman
I'm in love as hell where this is possibly injured
near the city hole. The dramatic stakes of Santa University,
of which I am the protagonists are relentless.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Mol Santa raises his eyebrows, judging.
Speaker 6 (23:58):
Wow, you really don't care about your other friends, do you?
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Near the City Hall continuous, the source of the scary
noise reveals themselves. It's Second Amendment Santa holding a pile
of guns for no reason at all. That's his whole thing.
Speaker 14 (24:12):
Stop your Dan said, motherfuckers.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
That's my fucking guy, mister senseless violence himself.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Second Amendment Santa, is he dead at this point in
the story. If so, it's his ghost is flanked by
fan favorites that sell millions of Funko pops every holiday season.
Arms where his eyes should be Santa and too many DVD's.
Santa Gal, Intellect, Goth and Sully cheer They're saved. God
Santa gets up a little too fast and grows up
more of the jingles.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
Dot.
Speaker 13 (24:44):
Wow, that vomit sounds really thick. Mind if I give it.
Speaker 12 (24:48):
A touch.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Excellent read Wichael is one of his hands attached to
his arms that are where his eyes should be. Suggestively,
God Santa doesn't know how to say no to people
and winces.
Speaker 12 (25:09):
Uh, sure thing, I guess.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
For the rest of the scene, arms were his eyes
should be, Santa is just sort of touching the vomit,
tuning in and out. Intellect Santa shakes Second Amendment Santa's hand, Thanks.
Speaker 12 (25:21):
So much, Second Amendment Santa.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
She's launched out of the scene again. This sucks too
many DVDs. Santa fumbling with a pile of loose copies
of Whiplash.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
We saw you walking towards the city hole and got concerned.
Second amendments. Sanna always keeps a close eye on all
the Santa Santa University. He says it's for our safety,
but I think it's because he fears something connecting the others.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Second amendment Santa shoots too many DVD Santa in the dick.
Speaker 14 (25:46):
Unfortunately, God out, that's not true, you canniving little ass hole.
I bet you don't even have a rare copy of
the Abyss. How can you even say that? Besides, I
just made a new friend at Santa University. He's a
pretty cool guy. He looks normal and knows how to read.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
He's too good for me. Come on, guys, Dan Santa,
I ain't getting out of that hole, and my name
isn't Sully Charles down. The yells will get him later.
Speaker 9 (26:22):
It's too dangerous. We might start singing again. Come on,
too many DVDs, Santa, stop being a baby.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Too many DVDs. Santa staggers to his feet as arms
where his eyes should be. Santa finishes off the stew vomit.
Speaker 12 (26:35):
God.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Santa is uncomfortable but relieved it's over.
Speaker 13 (26:38):
Thank you so much, man, I really needed a moment
of connection with someone.
Speaker 12 (26:44):
Mm hm.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
He throws up and arms where his eyes should be.
Santa claps his eye hands.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
Oh goodieymore.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
As a Santa group heads into the distance and away
from Dan Santa, we hear another muffled shot. Second amendment,
Santa has all also shot himself in the dick. That
freaking rascal, that's me, Dan Santa could be heard crying
from the hole. As two characters we won't be hearing
from this year pass Dean Santa, the gnarly old fuck himself,
(27:14):
the headmaster of Santa University and Santa's father, not that
he cares. And Cool Santa, the coolest Santa in school,
and Gal's boyfriend for now that is, it looks like
there's a few Santa's in that hole, Dean Santa. Dean
Santa shrugs, he'll deal with it in twenty twenty four
and whatever.
Speaker 12 (27:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
They walk away, never to appear again this year, unless
just kidding. Interior the city Hall continuous Dan Santa sits
in the fetal position in the city Hall, miserable mole
Santa and head as Santa take pity on his ass.
Speaker 6 (27:51):
Dan Santa. That was really messed up.
Speaker 10 (27:53):
Yeah, and confusing plot wise. Why did your friends walk
all the way over here if they want to talk
to you?
Speaker 6 (28:01):
That's just how the world works.
Speaker 18 (28:03):
Sometimes it feels like there's some depressed woman sweating at
her house making shit up.
Speaker 10 (28:09):
Any seconds speaking a witch, I never got to sing
my verse of a song.
Speaker 4 (28:16):
I'm Dan, Santa, Jamie, Samie.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
The scene starts to dissolve around Santa's Dan moule and headass.
Very masculine scene and therefore awesome. Amos's voice pulls Jamie
out of the zone and we fade back to Jamie's filthy,
dirty little apartment, continuous the strain of writing. Yet another
genius scene from Santa University has covered Jamie and flopp
sweat as well as the increasingly urgent gas leak. She
(28:43):
looks up to a passive looking emas soaked.
Speaker 11 (28:46):
A scriptnoe in spite of being dirty. This set should
cost a lot of money.
Speaker 14 (28:52):
I don't need your help, imaj. I will never respect
you or David Zaslov no matter how many eggs he
throws at David Simon.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Jamie, I have prepared a holiday rap for hat ass Santa.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Jamie is torn. Does she want to hear Imas's hilarious
little holiday rap? Of course she does. AI jokes are
so easy to make, and that's why making them is
probably playing into the hands of the oppressor. But I'm
tired today, she sweats more.
Speaker 14 (29:21):
No thanks, I already have one written and it's good.
My wraps are very famous. My bars are known throughout
the area.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
She looks both ways before starting to perform tepidly.
Speaker 14 (29:33):
Oh uh do I read rap? Okay, well, I'm supposed
to do this like Will Smith. I'm not really sure
how to do that, so I'm just gonna okay hah.
My name's had a Santa, and I'm here to say
my head is in my ass like every day.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Ivaj opens her mouth and an ominous siren sounds. Jamie panics,
taking a shocked inhale of the gas that's still leaking
in her kitchen. She falls to her knees.
Speaker 14 (30:00):
Okay, I lied, my bars aren't known.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Ima shakes a robot head, trying to look smug, but
the technology isn't.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
There yet allow me. No.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
The kitchen begins to dissolve around them, as Imas's sick
career making scene for head Ass Santa takes over interior
Santa University dorm common area night.
Speaker 11 (30:24):
A script note it's another freaky AI passage and the
narrator sounds better than normal.
Speaker 5 (30:31):
The common area is adorned with dim fairy lights, casting
a mystical glow on the eclectic mix of holiday decorations.
Goth Santa with dark attire and mysterious aura lounges on
a plush sofa. Head Ass Santa were in a comically
oversized Santa hat bursts into the room with boundless energy.
Speaker 19 (30:49):
Y'all, golf was good.
Speaker 12 (30:51):
Not much, Just like embracing the darkness, you.
Speaker 10 (30:54):
Know, ah embracing a dog, and I'm embracing the festic ka.
Speaker 19 (31:00):
Check out this hat.
Speaker 4 (31:02):
It's like a whole what a wonderland in my.
Speaker 5 (31:05):
Head together and there are unique styles Goth Santa and
heat ass Santa and bark on a festive adventure, proving
that even the most contrasting Santas can find common ground.
In the magic of Santa University. Head Ass Santa begins
to sing a signature song, Holiday Magic Flow.
Speaker 10 (31:24):
Y'all check it, y'all, y'all, y'all gather around. It's the
time of year here, Santa University, spreading joy your cheer.
I'm from the North Pole with a snows peer of
bright with training, Santa's Day and Night, Ails in the workshop,
Crafted toys, Glee, Reindeer's Stable, Ready for the spree, Jolly
(31:45):
Jim in the mix, bringing up laughter, fun and tricks,
Gal Santia Warrior Spirit. Second note that did it rhyme
That's okay, It's still my time here the chorus, Ho
ho hore on the holiday man flu, spread and enjoy
everywhere we go. Send a university where we learn, where
(32:06):
we grow. Ho ho ho, It's best to come on
go from the rooftop of its lay bells ring, Send
a University.
Speaker 19 (32:14):
In the two set of King.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Hey, Jamie's voice cuts through the song, which unfortunately only
gets better from there.
Speaker 15 (32:19):
What is happening?
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Stop the wedding interior, Jamie's disgusting apartment a bit of
a city hall as well? If you know what I mean?
And do you day? Jamie is miserable, covered in sweat,
but this time from dancing. Holiday Magic Flow didn't have
to go that hard?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Did you like the song?
Speaker 12 (32:39):
A beat?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
A long beat? Jamie tries to think of something negative
to say about Holiday Magic Flow, when she loved it.
It's really good that the WGA one AI provisions because
the world could not handle holiday magic flow. Also labor rights.
We start recording in sixteen minutes.
Speaker 6 (32:56):
It was fine.
Speaker 14 (32:58):
I mean, it would be pretty humiliating for a professional
rapper and poet to have to perform it.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
But it is that you liked it.
Speaker 14 (33:07):
Also, Who's Jolly jim Oh?
Speaker 2 (33:11):
He's a character I added to Santa University. Dan Santa
wasn't testing well with audiences. People much prefer handsome, literate
Santa's you bitch.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
She tries to take a swim at Emags and Missus.
The ghasolek is getting pretty bad. Has there been a
ghaslk in Santa University before? I feel like there has.
Speaker 14 (33:33):
You can't add characters to Santa University? Only I can
after three MIC's hard lemonades.
Speaker 15 (33:41):
Of course I.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Can add characters to Santa University. It's the whole reason
I was created. To add Ip from the Warner Brothers portfolio.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Jamie's eyes widen, they say it in.
Speaker 14 (33:54):
Unison Corporate Senergy.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
Image grabs J's pointy head and clasps her hand on
either side of her face in a vice grip.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Bitch, I could swish you like a grape. Bitch, I
could got you like an eel an eel.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
I can't do anything watch this emage. The room begins swirrel.
Jamie is transported into an AI generated scene against her
well interior Santa University common area day.
Speaker 11 (34:30):
Uh script note AI narration again. Also the scene was
Sophie Lichdermann's request, It's just true.
Speaker 5 (34:38):
Samantha Jones, known for her bold and confident demeanor from
Sex and the City, steps onto the festive grounds of
Santa University. Samantha struts through the common area, turning heads
with her unmistakable style. She spots Dan Santa, the main
character of Santa University, checking his list twice.
Speaker 8 (34:57):
Well, well, what do we have here Santa University? Honey,
I bet I can teach these Santas a thing or
two about spreading joy.
Speaker 5 (35:09):
She approaches Dan Santa with a sly grin.
Speaker 7 (35:12):
Oh hello, can I help you help me?
Speaker 8 (35:16):
Darling? I'm here to add a touch of spice to
your holiday routine.
Speaker 5 (35:21):
Dan Santa looks intrigued, but not entirely sure what to
make of Samantha's bold entrance.
Speaker 7 (35:26):
We're all about spreading holiday joy and warmth here. How
can you contribute?
Speaker 8 (35:32):
Oh, honey, I've got a few tricks up in my sleeve.
Let's shake things.
Speaker 15 (35:38):
Up a bit.
Speaker 5 (35:39):
She takes Dan Santa by the arm and they walk
together through the festive grounds of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
We cut back too, just a quick note. I think
that if you pay for chat GBT, they'll let them fuck.
Speaker 5 (35:53):
But I'm not sure.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
I don't know. They only imply, okay, interior means dirty,
nasty little apartment night. It's been hours, and Jamie's eyes
flutter back into consciousness. She didn't want to admit it,
but she loved it. The Samantha seemed was so funny.
What the fuck? She mumbles to herself as iMOS comes
into view, sitting in the corner, smugly.
Speaker 14 (36:15):
Should have made city whole joke in the Samantha bit.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
Oh don't go blue, it makes you look in secure.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Jamie is now fully alert and sees that she's changed
to with a piping hot radiator. It's interesting, she thought
to herself in passing. Even though she herself is not
in the screenpap for Santa University, which she is, it
still feels as if the stakes of her own life
are rising almost as if art reflects. iMOS kicks Jamie
in the head.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
I'm kicking you in the head and delivering this line
of dialogue. I am going back to David Zaslov's office
and telling him you don't want a co writer for
a Santa University. You want me to replace you.
Speaker 14 (36:58):
Never You're not fit to polish Young Sheldon's shoes.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
IMA's laughs maniacally, leaning in close to Jamie.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
A ha ha ha ah. That's right, bitch. I'm going
to add John Snow to Santa University. I'm going to
add Ken doll Roy to Santa University. I'm even going
to add she.
Speaker 1 (37:24):
Leans into Jamie's ear. It's erotic, the gossip girl removed. No,
all you have to do is tell me how the
scene ends. How does Dan Santa get out of the
city hole. Jamie resists the gas, realizing Imags must have
started the leak herself to trap her close shave for
(37:46):
the writer of Santa University, who was worried they might
have to go back and take the whole section out.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Few fine, don't tell me. I'll find a way to
get him out of there, even if I have to.
Speaker 11 (37:58):
Script note, she makes a hilarious and prescient reference to
Deadwood here, what is Deadwood about? Jail prohibition? Who's the
main guy?
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Emar slams the door after killing it and really landing
the Deadwood joke. Jamie struggles to hang on how did
Dan Santa get out of the City Hall? As she
fades out of consciousness again, we're taken back to the
city Hall night. Dan Santa sits alone as head as
Santa and Mol Santa sleep peacefully nearby. They honks she adorably,
(38:30):
but Dan Santa is deep in his feelings.
Speaker 4 (38:34):
They just replace me like I was nothing, Like I
looked bad and had no skills.
Speaker 12 (38:41):
Such a fucking loser.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
What the freaking heck? Dan Santa hallucinates, and I'm so
sorry you could. Jill and Mike Santa his parents who
sent him to Santa University so that they could spend
more time with some clowns they met on Tinder.
Speaker 4 (39:00):
Mom, Dad, why are you ghosts?
Speaker 1 (39:04):
She looks to Mike Santa, squinting and trying to remember
who she's talking to.
Speaker 4 (39:08):
That's our son, Ah right, I'm Dan Santa. When did
you die?
Speaker 3 (39:15):
Well?
Speaker 12 (39:16):
Son?
Speaker 13 (39:17):
It's true what they say, what with fucking around and finding.
Speaker 7 (39:21):
Out especially with clowns from Tender.
Speaker 13 (39:24):
How you doing, shit bag?
Speaker 14 (39:25):
What's what the hole?
Speaker 4 (39:27):
Oh geez, you guys must be so freaking disappointed. I
lost my job at Lid's. Everyone at Santa University freaking
hates me.
Speaker 19 (39:37):
We hate Joe Ass too.
Speaker 4 (39:39):
Even the guys in the hole hate me.
Speaker 7 (39:42):
I'll be honest, Dan Santa. We didn't want to visit
you if we were really hoping to go to Dennis
Leary show.
Speaker 13 (39:49):
And besides, when you're a ghost, you conneg someone so
much they fly.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
They Oh my freaking gosh.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Dan Santa looks down. It's true. The pure hate ridden
indifference from his parents has him floating several feet off
the ground. He makes a series of gleeful noises that
are hard for the listener to endure.
Speaker 7 (40:10):
Keep going, Mom and Dad, keep hating that I'm your son.
Let's see, I heard you got replaced to Linz with
a seven year old.
Speaker 13 (40:19):
I ran into your high school algebra teacher the other day,
and when I said you were doing well, he said,
that's too bad.
Speaker 7 (40:25):
I genuinely thought I wanted to be a parent until
I saw your little mute net poking out of me.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
It's working, Dan Santa's getting nagged so hard that he
begins to levitate up, up, up, until he's completely out
of the city hole.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
Mom, Dad, you nagged me out of the city hole.
Speaker 7 (40:44):
What's your name again?
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Jill and Mike Santa stop listening. Their ghosts are making
out in the hole. I have nowhere head as Santa
and All Santa shake their fists and swear at Dan Santa, thanks.
Speaker 14 (41:00):
For fucking nothing, Dad Santa.
Speaker 10 (41:03):
Yo, no reading, headass, dumb ass, dumb looking ass, pretty ass,
stupid ass, head ass, you piece of shit. After and
after I sang my song, awesome song, head ass, stupid ass.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
Dan Santa is two looks like shit to care. He
soars into the atmosphere, chanting.
Speaker 14 (41:20):
I'm Dan Santa.
Speaker 4 (41:22):
I'm Dan Santa. I'm Dan Santa.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
Bitch.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
We know.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
He levitates so high he's out of Santa University. Off
the page, into Jamie Loftus's writing study. Oh no, the
computer is taking over a kitchen full of gas. Jamie
can't believe her eyes. Is Dan Santa, the man she's
been writing for six years, descended into her apartment like
an ugly ass angel. He smiles knowingly, his stinky boots
(41:48):
touching the floor.
Speaker 4 (41:49):
I'm Dan Santa here, You're real. That's the magic of Christmas,
Isn't it that special time of year when everywhere where
you look there's some.
Speaker 14 (42:01):
Guy who I'm familiar with your reputation?
Speaker 1 (42:05):
Are they Are they gonna kiss? Dan Santa's been getting
a lot of action in the last few years. Nope,
Dan Santa chickens out at the last second, turns his
head and starts to sing the.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
Perfect Santa is kind and good.
Speaker 14 (42:20):
No fucking way, Dan Santa.
Speaker 4 (42:23):
Ah Man, no one likes me songs.
Speaker 14 (42:26):
Unchained me from this radiator. We start recording Santa University
in eight minutes, and we still have to kill David Zaslav.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
Dan Santa dexterously unchains her and Jamie thanks for a
fleeting moment. What would those hands feel like? Hun never mind?
Never mind? Interior David Zaslav's office night. David Zaslav sits
at his desk getting his shoulders massaged by imaj looking
at a freshly printed copy of Santa University.
Speaker 15 (42:49):
My Time the nighttime really cool.
Speaker 1 (42:54):
iMOS strokes his hair. But she's got some ragusauce on
her hand from hanging out at Jamie's apartment for too long,
So it's missy.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
She had to admit it, David, My script was simply better.
When I showed her the character of Charlie Jim, she wept.
Speaker 15 (43:11):
I just think we could get Ryan Reynolds for Jolly Jim.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
She said, And I quote Charlie Jim is way better
as a protagonist than Dan Santa. Dan Santa looks like shit, and.
Speaker 1 (43:24):
Dan Santa kicks down the door, or tries to. It
takes a few tries, it only half works. Jamie ends
up just opening it for him as emagen. David Zaslav
look on, kind of trying not to laugh at him.
Jamie pieces her head in uh uh.
Speaker 14 (43:42):
He was just gonna say, can't even read, I'm Dan Santa. Hia.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Jamie still has the shackles around her wrist and hurls
it out. This was written very fast, taking imas down
to the floor. Her head shatters instantly. The battle takes
over four four.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Hours, like.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
So, I guess the security guy in front fell asleep.
He just let Jamie and Dan Santa in a series
of high octane shots. David Zaslov uses Batgirl DVDs as
throwing stars. What else are they good? For Dan Santa
tries to do a flip but lands on his head.
Jamie spots up plot convenient vault on the other side
of the office. Oh didn't mention that before, Well it
(44:25):
was there. Dan Santa and David Zoslov get into a
slap fight. Dan Santa slaps David Zaslov closer and closer
to the open vault.
Speaker 15 (44:34):
You fool, I'm a slapping machine.
Speaker 4 (44:37):
Oh crap, my hands are getting tired.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Across the room, Jamie slingshots an egg at David Zaslov's head,
launching him into the vault. Dan Santa slams it shut.
Thank god, I'm really running out of time. Jamie and
Dan Santa embrace.
Speaker 14 (44:52):
He'll be okay for legal purposes.
Speaker 4 (44:55):
Thank you so much. Strange woman i've never met.
Speaker 14 (45:00):
Yeah, I guess you don't know who I am, and
maybe that's for the best. You belong at Santa University
and I belong at my dirty apartment that keeps leaking gas.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
Dan Santa does a hat tipping motion, but isn't wearing
a hat. He can't pull it off.
Speaker 4 (45:18):
I guess it's just another year at.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
The whole cast pops their little heads into the windows,
doors and air vents, as if by stove induced magic.
The whole cast sings the classic song, fading into the
ether of Jamie's stove gas addled mind until twelve hours
(45:42):
before Santa University starts next year. She looks around at
David Zaslav's office.
Speaker 14 (45:48):
What a really cool day for me?
Speaker 1 (45:51):
Freeze frame the end, except the camera pulls into where
Imaj has crumpled to the ground. There's a flicker of
remaining in image's eyes. Post credit scene interior, SANDFORDI University
Common Area.
Speaker 11 (46:06):
Night script noo AI section.
Speaker 5 (46:10):
The campus is quiet, bathed in the soft glow of
twinkling lights, and surrounded by the magical hush of a
winter's night. The credits have rolled, but there's one more
scene left to unfold. In the common area, a cozy
fire crackles in the hearth. The camera zooms in on
a table adorned with letters to Santa and empty milk
glasses from the student's festive celebrations. Suddenly, a gust of
(46:34):
wind sweeps through the room, and the air shimmers with
magical energy. The flicker of the fire intensifies, casting dancing
shadows on the wall. Out of the shadows emerges a
mysterious figure, a cloaked silhouette with a twinkle in their eye.
Speaker 13 (46:51):
Valvalval Sansor University certainly knows how to keep the holiday's
spirits alive.
Speaker 5 (47:00):
The figure steps forward, revealing a mischievous smile. It's none
other than Crampis, the legendary Christmas demon known for punishing
naughty children.
Speaker 13 (47:11):
But perhaps there's a room for a little mischief from
the darker side of the holiday spectrum.
Speaker 5 (47:17):
As Crampis disappears into the shadows, mischievous jingle echoes through
the room, leaving a hint of uncertainty and excitement for
what might come next in the world of Santa University.
Fade out. The post credit scene leaves the audience with
a touch of mystery, teasing the potential for new adventures
and challenges in the magical world of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (47:41):
They mulloween, Joele and Justin I'm so sorry happen. He's
(48:03):
mostly just yelling at Miles.
Speaker 19 (48:06):
That's pretty funny though, you just roasted it.
Speaker 10 (48:09):
That was actually my idea for head ass Santa, where
he just comes in and just roast people.
Speaker 4 (48:13):
It's his whole role.
Speaker 12 (48:15):
He'll be back.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
Thanks guys, Thank you so much for seven seven.
Speaker 19 (48:25):
Consistency.
Speaker 1 (48:26):
I gotta I gotta take a shower so bad
Happy holidays everyone. We're back. We're back with the tradition
that won't quit, or it would be on me to
do it. And I'm scared too, and so I won't quit.
It'll keep going forever. Welcome to Santa University seven. My
(00:26):
name is Jamie Long. This is the seventh time we've
done this. It made me physically sick. I kept being like,
that can't be true. It's true. It's true. We started
in twenty seventeen and here we are, so welcome to
the Santa University expanded family. We've got a doozy this year.
I was thinking, you know these scripts, get Santa University
(00:50):
if this is your first time listening. Is my seven
hundred and fifty page script about a university full of Santa's.
We're a forty thousand in roll every year and only
one makes it to the end of the year. The
protagonist is a guy named Dan Santa. You'll learn more
about him in a little bit. It's a musical. It's
(01:11):
a slasher and this year it's a commentary. Some years
at Santa University. It's h I'm not thinking at all.
I've got no brain cells in my head. This year
we're getting thoughtful, and I think that you're gonna walk
away from this feeling not just baffled, but changed. So
(01:32):
let's get started. My name is Jamie. I will be
reading the human written action lines in this year's script.
How should we?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
How should we do this?
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Let's go. Let's Caitlyn. Caitlyn kick us off.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Hello. Hi, I'm Caitlin, and I will be reading the
part of Kevin. I believe well, I won't spoil anything Kevin.
We'll just say that, as well as reprising my role
as Sully.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Miles.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Hi, I'm Miles, and I'm playing Dan Santa.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Wow, the man himself.
Speaker 5 (02:15):
Magpie Hi, I'm Magpie. I'll be reading too many DVDs Santa,
as well as all of the AI action lines that
were not written by a human because I'm also not
a human so it makes sense.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Wow, Angel Catherine, I have some big shoes to fill
this year. I am reading Dean Santa, huge debut year Danel.
Speaker 6 (02:42):
Hi, I am Daniel, and I am reading Mole Santa.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Another new character. We're very excited. Sharene.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I'm Sharene and I'm going to be reprising my role
as Intellect Santa classic character Joelle.
Speaker 7 (02:59):
Hi, I'm Joel Monique. You'll find me playing Ai, Dan, Santa,
Cool Santa, and Jill Santa.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
As we'll talk about I made a huge mistake.
Speaker 8 (03:11):
Your turn, and I'll be playing Ai Jamie, a role
I was born to play, and Samantha Jones.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
The second role you were born to play.
Speaker 9 (03:28):
Honeys Hi, I am in a host nine. I'm reprising
my role of Gal Santa Sarah.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I'm Sarah, and I will be playing the role of
Image Scary.
Speaker 10 (03:48):
Uh prep prop what prop? I'll be playing head ass
Santa looking.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
At us, a requested character that I don't know if
I execute did very well the life Victor.
Speaker 11 (04:05):
Hi, my name is Victor. I'll be reading script notes.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Yes, the most manic part of the script.
Speaker 12 (04:12):
Justin.
Speaker 11 (04:13):
I am Justin.
Speaker 13 (04:14):
I will be playing Arms, whereas I should be Santa,
Mike Santa, and the cloaked figure. Pretty self explanatory. None
of these roles will be uncomfortable for me in any way.
Speaker 14 (04:24):
Shape.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I really do feel like I've done this to people, Okay,
several times Santa University four if I remember correctly, Robert.
Speaker 14 (04:35):
Evans, I'm going to be second Amendment Santa and primarily
the character of Jamie Loftus, which I.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Did bring on myself and yeah.
Speaker 15 (04:47):
What a do baby?
Speaker 12 (04:49):
I will be God Santa or whatever.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
And finally, Jack O'Briant.
Speaker 16 (04:58):
Hi, I'm jacqu O'Brien. I will be playing the Zazz
David Zazlove.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
It's true, shockingly large part this year. All right, Coln,
I really don't know this year. We'll see, we'll see.
I did finish it technically on time. All right, let's
get started. There's there's some business at the top. There's
some some script notes to start with.
Speaker 11 (05:26):
Launch. Between pages five sixty seven and five sixty nine
of the ingenious screenplay Santa University, in which forty thousand
Santas are admitted every year and only one graduate, are
a series of thumb drives marked sensitive jingle information. Within
(05:48):
on them are a series of surveillance footage conversations between
Jamie Loftus and widely hated Warner Brothers executive David Zaslov
from June of twenty twenty three. Wasn't that during the
writer's strike? It was that vindictive little bitch.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Interior Jamie Loftus's writing study night.
Speaker 11 (06:13):
The whole feel of this scene is eerie. Something isn't
quite right, which feels especially obvious in a work as
perfect as Santa University. Jamie doesn't quite sound like Jamie.
Dan Santa doesn't quite sound like Dan Santa. Even the
gorgeous voice that reads the action lines sounds better.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
And then a third script note, just kidding.
Speaker 11 (06:39):
It just felt weird to only have two enjoy the show, everybody.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
The room is filled with the soft glow of a
desk lamp, and the walls are adorned with inspiration boards
featuring festive images. Jamie Loftus, the creative mind behind Santa University,
sits at her desk, staring at a blank screen. Frustration
at you is her face as she battles with the
writer's block.
Speaker 8 (07:06):
Come on, Dan, I need something magical here.
Speaker 5 (07:10):
As Jamie mutters to herself, the air in the room shimmers,
and to her surprise, Dan Santa materializes in front of her.
Speaker 7 (07:18):
Did someone call for a bit of holiday magic?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Dan? What are you doing here?
Speaker 7 (07:26):
Well, it seems my creator is in need of some inspiration.
What's going on, Jamie.
Speaker 5 (07:32):
Jamie gestures to her computer screen, where a cursor blinks
on an empty document.
Speaker 8 (07:37):
Writer's block, That's what I can't seem to figure out.
The next chapter. It's like the holiday magic has left me.
Speaker 5 (07:45):
Dan Santa chuckles and takes a seat across from Jamie.
Speaker 7 (07:49):
You know, writing about the magic of Santa University is
a bit like spreading holiday cheer. Sometimes you just need
to tap into the spirit.
Speaker 8 (07:59):
Easier said than done, Dan.
Speaker 7 (08:03):
Think about what makes Santa University special? Is it the characters,
the camaraderie, the challenges they face. Find the heart of
the story and the words will flow.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Jamie nods deep in thought.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
You're right.
Speaker 8 (08:18):
It's about the characters, their connection and the joy they
bring to the world.
Speaker 7 (08:23):
Thanks Dan, anytime, Jamie. Now, let's bring the North Pole
to life on these pages.
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Inspired, Jamie starts typing, and as she does, the room
fills with a subtle jingling of bells and the distant
sound of laughter. The words flow effortlessly onto the screen
as Dan Santa watches with a twinkle in his eye.
Speaker 12 (08:43):
There you go.
Speaker 7 (08:44):
The magic was inside you all along.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Thanks Dan, I couldn't do it without you.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
As the scene unfolds in Jamie's writing study, the collaboration
between creator and character weaves the holiday magic back in
the Tale of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Hard Cut two interior David Zoslav's office June twenty twenty three,
made you look, bitch. The real Jamie loftis in her twenties,
let's say, or.
Speaker 15 (09:14):
At least looks like it.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
I hope you're gonna make me move out of Los
Angeles soon. I know. It sits at the desk of
noted Hollywood villain David Zoslav, who spent most of the
year lighting finished movies on fire for tax reasons, which
is showbiz speak for getting pp hard. He looks like shit,
but tragically can read. And that's part of the problem.
Speaker 14 (09:36):
That's the punch up script for Santa University, My life's work.
It sucks.
Speaker 15 (09:42):
Sh baby boys are talking.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
He pulls a slingshot from underneath his desk, which is
made of lead. Everything in the office is made of lead.
That's what daveyik. He looks out the window to where
writers are striking outside and puts an egg in the
slim shot. It hits David Lynch.
Speaker 7 (10:00):
I'll get you, you set of a bitch, A really
strong David Lynches enter the chat.
Speaker 15 (10:07):
I'll see you in court, you midwestern fuck. Oh my
god wow.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Page five hundred and sixty seven of the screenplay A
Santi University, and the amazing screenplay has already passed the
elusive Deck Dell test, which requires the two men named
David's threaten each other with violence. Jamie looks across the
desk at the punch up writer Amoj, a mannequin that
looks just like her, but has a computer where its
stomach should be. The mannequin also has huge boobs, which
(10:33):
doesn't seem fair that show business, baby.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
I hope you appreciated my efforts.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
When Amog says Jamie, it's fucked even though I didn't
write her saying Jamie, something's not quite right about it.
The actor should try saying Jamie again in that.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Fucked up way, Jamie.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
I try it again, Jamie, Please just fucking try Jamie.
Speaker 14 (11:02):
Okay, I don't understand. You cost three billion dollars to make,
and you don't seem to understand the concept of looking
like shit and not being able.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
To I understand perfectly, Jamie loftus young millennials trying to
pass as gen Z Caspinett's not working, but I have
been hired by David Zaslov.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
The way Amos says David Zaslov is like how a
two thousands. Computer game says, your name all stilted in weird.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
To make your script more marketable to general audience. I
am the only reason people get new episodes of Young Sheldon.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
David Saslov sits back at his desk, putting the eggs.
He throws at writers back in their carden.
Speaker 16 (11:41):
That Amy Sherman Palladino sure can run, Jamie. I'm giving
you an opportunity here. We'll make Sanna University, and all
we need from you is to let us scary computer
rewrite it and also cross a pigot line. And also
we'll probably throw it away once it's done for tax purposes.
Speaker 15 (11:59):
But you gotta play. You got to work with emoge.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
iMOS, like said Jamie, scanning her face to use in
background scenes for Hacks. She auditioned for Hacks, and now
she's staring down the barrel of David Zaslov's sexy robot. Oh,
that's probably why imoj has big boobs.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
This is why I have big boobs.
Speaker 14 (12:23):
I'll try letting the computer write stand University for just
one scene, and if it works, I'll accept her as
my master.
Speaker 15 (12:30):
Great, could you bring her home with you?
Speaker 16 (12:32):
Actually, I have an appointment with another sex robot in
an hour and last time I left emoje in the room,
she scanned my humping style, and now it's the house
humping style in Young Sheldon.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Imoj stands up and shakily walks over to Jamie. They
head for the door where they open. Where they opened,
The two see the manions. They're much bigger in person.
The tallest minion and therefore in charge, gives Jamie a
sexy little look.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Bellow chica.
Speaker 14 (13:07):
Wow, I'm such a huge fan. I'm going to be sick.
Smiley face Emoji.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
No one ever talks about how the minions canonically worked
for Napoleon. It's in the first five minutes of Minions
from twenty fifteen. A lot of criticism for that new
Napoleon movie, but not a peep about how the minion's
involvement in French colonialism was completely erased. We used to
be a proper country. Just kidding, we didn't. David's Lost
Lives slingshots another egg out the window, take that bomb
(13:34):
Bach interior. Jamie's dirty apartment day. All is misery at
the apartment. It smells like litter, but there are no
cats around. Does Jamie use the litter, not enough lamp,
piece of bread on the floor. Emas and Jamie sit
at the table, not realizing there has been a gas
look at the apartment for weeks. Jamie looks at her laptop.
Speaker 14 (13:55):
So in this scene, Dan Sanna falls into a hole
and none of the other Santas help him. But it's
not just any hole, it's a city hole, and therefore
it's more complicated.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Which other Santa's are there.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Jamie consult her notebook, which is mostly covered in still wet.
Speaker 14 (14:09):
Ragusas the whole gang goth Santa Gal Santa armswear's eye
should be Santa Sully head ass Santa.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I am not familiar with the character of hat Ass Santa.
Speaker 6 (14:21):
Of course not.
Speaker 14 (14:22):
He only appears between pages five sixty seven and five
sixty nine of the movie Santa University.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Not wanting to waste another moment considering how machines will
replace her, Jamie frantically begins typing page five sixty seven scriptnote.
Speaker 11 (14:34):
The actor playing Jamie must be hitting the keyboard really
hard with their full palm, just slapping it.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Exterior Santa University outskirts near the city hole day Dan
Santa walks a lonely road just outside Santa University, the
only rote that he has ever known. There is a gigantic,
deep hole in the middle of the road that he's
walking straight toward. But his descent into looking like shit
and not being able to to read is so advanced
that he can no longer perceive city hole.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
I'm such a freaking loser.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah, He looks at the photo in his locket. It's
a picture of Natalie Portman and Black Swane. Who can
say why it seems to mean something to him? The fucko?
He takes one step forward and falls in the hole.
We hear him echo as he descends.
Speaker 9 (15:25):
No University.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Interior, the city Hall continuous. Dan Santa lands in the
hole far below. It's filthy and dangerous, surrounded by stalactites,
jarz a p and sad graffiti reading pork Santa? Was
he a dying in the hole? Twelve three, twenty ten.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
I wonder what that says. It's probably something nice.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
He looks up to the hole, but no one is there.
He looks both ways. Is it safe to sing a song?
Smash cut two Interior, Santa University Cafeteria, continuous. No one
notices Dan Santa isn't at lunch in spite of his
being the protagonist of Santa University. The whole gang Goth Santa,
Gal Santa, and Intellexanta chow down on jingle stew.
Speaker 12 (16:18):
The stew sure is thick.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Intellecxanta can barely talk through the almost solid stew.
Speaker 14 (16:24):
Sick with the joy of holiday season.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
But Gal Santa looks into the distance. This happens often
in Santa University, as the writer is not good at
women characters, and we'll sometimes just forget that they're even there.
Sometimes she'll just launch them out of the scene without warning.
But this time Gal Santa is pensive for a reason.
Speaker 12 (16:43):
What's wrong, Gal, You've barely touched your thick, joyful stew.
Speaker 9 (16:47):
I've got this weird feeling that Dan Santa is about
to sing a song.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
Not again. How many times we have to tell that
week's son of garbage.
Speaker 14 (16:56):
You don't want to hear him sing.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
Without warning, Intellexanta is suddenly launched out of the scene
through the glass ceiling of Santa University cafeteria.
Speaker 11 (17:05):
Scriptnoe. The irony of this is not intentional, and if
anyone writes a listical about it, I will start to
poison my boyfriend's food.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
So she bursts through the ceiling and out into the ether,
into the great nowhere. No one in the scene reacts.
Speaker 12 (17:22):
Where is he, gal Santa, use your feminine sonar or whatever.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Galsanta closes her eyes and focuses using her feminine sonar
to locate a man she personally murders. At the end
of the movie, she nods.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
The city hole into like.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Santa walks back into the scene a little disoriented. She's
been Sully, a fan favorite character who once fired Dan
Santa from Lidzo.
Speaker 12 (17:44):
Hey I'm back.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Was interior the city Hall continuous Dan Santa starts to
sing the tenth god Awful exhaust Sting Ballad of Santa University.
Speaker 11 (18:03):
Script note song must be commissioned from Sting. If you
cut corners and hire Phil Collins, I will be able
to tell I'm a virgin who sucks in.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Is not surprising.
Speaker 17 (18:19):
That the station, Santa, you were still freaking rising. I'm
so sad that I couldn't detail.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
The hole. Now I'm stuck in this hole. Locker Santa mo.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Unreal incredible As if summoned by plot magic mole, Santa
emerges from the shadows. He does not look like a
mole unless and I didn't finish that funny as he
joins in on the song without introducing himself to Dan Santa,
(19:04):
who could blame him? Dan Santa's a piece of shit.
Speaker 18 (19:07):
My name is Moul Santa, and I survive on Fanta.
Speaker 19 (19:12):
I only move through this hole.
Speaker 18 (19:14):
To escape Dan Santa. He looks like shit and he
troubles my soul, and I'm pissed that he's falling in
the city.
Speaker 15 (19:25):
Hoh.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
A third Santa peeks out from a stalactite. A third
Santa has hit the Santa University city hall. Is that
anything we start recording in twenty six minutes? It's head
ass Santa.
Speaker 19 (19:41):
I'm head ass Santa looking ass.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Stereeor Santa University outskirts near the city hall day Gal
Santa leads the way with Goth Intellect and Sully, using
her feminine sonar. Intellect and Sully are vibing. Sometimes the
only way to remember to use woman character is to
give her loud boyfriend, you.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Are still fucking beautiful, Intellectue Santo. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Oh no, damn, she's kind of pulled it out of
the scene anyway.
Speaker 12 (20:08):
Tough break, Are we close? Gal Santa, I'll be honest.
Without Dan Santa round, I tend to get lost in
the mix. I'm his roommate. Remember I love Tim Burton movie.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Yeah, Gal stops sniffs the air, nods.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
We're close.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Sure enough. The faint bars of Dan Santa's pathetic song
can be heard coming from the near distance from the
city hall.
Speaker 15 (20:33):
Oh shit, oh fuck.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
You know we're not gonna be able to resist joining
the song. Let's turn around at the rotarie before we
join in. Let's get a drink from the bubbla.
Speaker 9 (20:49):
I've spent my entire life, which we know nothing about
because the writer of Santa University didn't care resisting the
urge to break into song.
Speaker 12 (20:58):
We have to keep going.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
They sold your fourth as the music. It's louder. It's
getting harder to resist, God, Santa throws up.
Speaker 20 (21:07):
Y'all.
Speaker 21 (21:08):
Santa never wont to have my ket is it because
I was fired from Lee.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
When the emotion becomes too strong for speech, yo, you there.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
At the hole and Galsis can't resist. She joins in
this song, her veins straining against the desire.
Speaker 20 (21:37):
Cool Santa is my boyfriend. Dean Santa is my dad.
Actually that's not even true, As discussed in Santa. You six, though,
that plot point won't come.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Back until like Santa wanders out from the bush is
pissed off.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Hey, I'm back.
Speaker 15 (21:55):
Was that the city hall?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Continuous Head Santa is in the middle of telling Dan
Santa the story of his life when Gal Santa's gorgeous,
generation defining voice pulls his attention away.
Speaker 10 (22:06):
Hey, look, so I told my head ass father if
he really loved me.
Speaker 19 (22:12):
He looking ass Stop?
Speaker 4 (22:14):
I don't care, Gal Gal, is that you?
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Mol Santa puts his arm around a sad head ass Santa.
Speaker 6 (22:22):
I told you, man, Dan Sanda's a piece of shit.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Exterior Santa University outskirts near the City Hall day Gal
Santa collapses to the ground.
Speaker 12 (22:32):
Theatrically miserable Galsanta, We're gonna like rescue you from this
horrible musical number. You know, I'm gonna get some things
too that that usually always.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Helps, And don't get Duncan and family guy intellects body
starts to shift involuntarily. She starts humming the theme from
Santa University to herself.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Who no, it's happening.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
When emotion gets too strong for song, you dance. It's
all of them now, They're all humming Santa University and
moving their hips from side to side.
Speaker 7 (23:06):
Go.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Santa has a huge butt, which is only coming up for.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
The first time.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Now intellect Santa is the one to break it. Begins
to sing.
Speaker 7 (23:14):
Every fucking year.
Speaker 8 (23:16):
Every fucking year they forget to write me something that
is even vaguely interruptlated and I A shot is heard.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Breaking the tortuous song. The gang whips around a gal
nearly falls into the hole. No one is injured this year.
No one gets injured except David Zaslav. Later he's fine,
though I can't get sued. Interior the City Hall Continuous,
Dan Santa screams in horror at the sound of the shot.
Speaker 4 (23:41):
First I fall in the city hole, then the woman
I'm in love as hell where this is possibly injured
near the city hole. The dramatic stakes of Santa University,
of which I am the protagonists are relentless.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Mol Santa raises his eyebrows, judging.
Speaker 6 (23:58):
Wow, you really don't care about your other friends, do you?
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Near the City Hall continuous, the source of the scary
noise reveals themselves. It's Second Amendment Santa holding a pile
of guns for no reason at all. That's his whole thing.
Speaker 14 (24:12):
Stop your Dan said, motherfuckers.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
That's my fucking guy, mister senseless violence himself.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Second Amendment Santa, is he dead at this point in
the story. If so, it's his ghost is flanked by
fan favorites that sell millions of Funko pops every holiday season.
Arms where his eyes should be Santa and too many DVD's.
Santa Gal, Intellect, Goth and Sully cheer They're saved. God
Santa gets up a little too fast and grows up
more of the jingles.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
Dot.
Speaker 13 (24:44):
Wow, that vomit sounds really thick. Mind if I give it.
Speaker 12 (24:48):
A touch.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Excellent read Wichael is one of his hands attached to
his arms that are where his eyes should be. Suggestively,
God Santa doesn't know how to say no to people
and winces.
Speaker 12 (25:09):
Uh, sure thing, I guess.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
For the rest of the scene, arms were his eyes
should be, Santa is just sort of touching the vomit,
tuning in and out. Intellect Santa shakes Second Amendment Santa's hand, Thanks.
Speaker 12 (25:21):
So much, Second Amendment Santa.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
She's launched out of the scene again. This sucks too
many DVDs. Santa fumbling with a pile of loose copies
of Whiplash.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
We saw you walking towards the city hole and got concerned.
Second amendments. Sanna always keeps a close eye on all
the Santa Santa University. He says it's for our safety,
but I think it's because he fears something connecting the others.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Second amendment Santa shoots too many DVD Santa in the dick.
Speaker 14 (25:46):
Unfortunately, God out, that's not true, you canniving little ass hole.
I bet you don't even have a rare copy of
the Abyss. How can you even say that? Besides, I
just made a new friend at Santa University. He's a
pretty cool guy. He looks normal and knows how to read.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
He's too good for me. Come on, guys, Dan Santa,
I ain't getting out of that hole, and my name
isn't Sully Charles down. The yells will get him later.
Speaker 9 (26:22):
It's too dangerous. We might start singing again. Come on,
too many DVDs, Santa, stop being a baby.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Too many DVDs. Santa staggers to his feet as arms
where his eyes should be. Santa finishes off the stew vomit.
Speaker 12 (26:35):
God.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Santa is uncomfortable but relieved it's over.
Speaker 13 (26:38):
Thank you so much, man, I really needed a moment
of connection with someone.
Speaker 12 (26:44):
Mm hm.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
He throws up and arms where his eyes should be.
Santa claps his eye hands.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
Oh goodieymore.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
As a Santa group heads into the distance and away
from Dan Santa, we hear another muffled shot. Second amendment,
Santa has all also shot himself in the dick. That
freaking rascal, that's me, Dan Santa could be heard crying
from the hole. As two characters we won't be hearing
from this year pass Dean Santa, the gnarly old fuck himself,
(27:14):
the headmaster of Santa University and Santa's father, not that
he cares. And Cool Santa, the coolest Santa in school,
and Gal's boyfriend for now that is, it looks like
there's a few Santa's in that hole, Dean Santa. Dean
Santa shrugs, he'll deal with it in twenty twenty four
and whatever.
Speaker 12 (27:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
They walk away, never to appear again this year, unless
just kidding. Interior the city Hall continuous Dan Santa sits
in the fetal position in the city Hall, miserable mole
Santa and head as Santa take pity on his ass.
Speaker 6 (27:51):
Dan Santa. That was really messed up.
Speaker 10 (27:53):
Yeah, and confusing plot wise. Why did your friends walk
all the way over here if they want to talk
to you?
Speaker 6 (28:01):
That's just how the world works.
Speaker 18 (28:03):
Sometimes it feels like there's some depressed woman sweating at
her house making shit up.
Speaker 10 (28:09):
Any seconds speaking a witch, I never got to sing
my verse of a song.
Speaker 4 (28:16):
I'm Dan, Santa, Jamie, Samie.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
The scene starts to dissolve around Santa's Dan moule and headass.
Very masculine scene and therefore awesome. Amos's voice pulls Jamie
out of the zone and we fade back to Jamie's filthy,
dirty little apartment, continuous the strain of writing. Yet another
genius scene from Santa University has covered Jamie and flopp
sweat as well as the increasingly urgent gas leak. She
(28:43):
looks up to a passive looking emas soaked.
Speaker 11 (28:46):
A scriptnoe in spite of being dirty. This set should
cost a lot of money.
Speaker 14 (28:52):
I don't need your help, imaj. I will never respect
you or David Zaslov no matter how many eggs he
throws at David Simon.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Jamie, I have prepared a holiday rap for hat ass Santa.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Jamie is torn. Does she want to hear Imas's hilarious
little holiday rap? Of course she does. AI jokes are
so easy to make, and that's why making them is
probably playing into the hands of the oppressor. But I'm
tired today, she sweats more.
Speaker 14 (29:21):
No thanks, I already have one written and it's good.
My wraps are very famous. My bars are known throughout
the area.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
She looks both ways before starting to perform tepidly.
Speaker 14 (29:33):
Oh uh do I read rap? Okay, well, I'm supposed
to do this like Will Smith. I'm not really sure
how to do that, so I'm just gonna okay hah.
My name's had a Santa, and I'm here to say
my head is in my ass like every day.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
Ivaj opens her mouth and an ominous siren sounds. Jamie panics,
taking a shocked inhale of the gas that's still leaking
in her kitchen. She falls to her knees.
Speaker 14 (30:00):
Okay, I lied, my bars aren't known.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Ima shakes a robot head, trying to look smug, but
the technology isn't.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
There yet allow me. No.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
The kitchen begins to dissolve around them, as Imas's sick
career making scene for head Ass Santa takes over interior
Santa University dorm common area night.
Speaker 11 (30:24):
A script note it's another freaky AI passage and the
narrator sounds better than normal.
Speaker 5 (30:31):
The common area is adorned with dim fairy lights, casting
a mystical glow on the eclectic mix of holiday decorations.
Goth Santa with dark attire and mysterious aura lounges on
a plush sofa. Head Ass Santa were in a comically
oversized Santa hat bursts into the room with boundless energy.
Speaker 19 (30:49):
Y'all, golf was good.
Speaker 12 (30:51):
Not much, Just like embracing the darkness, you.
Speaker 10 (30:54):
Know, ah embracing a dog, and I'm embracing the festic ka.
Speaker 19 (31:00):
Check out this hat.
Speaker 4 (31:02):
It's like a whole what a wonderland in my.
Speaker 5 (31:05):
Head together and there are unique styles Goth Santa and
heat ass Santa and bark on a festive adventure, proving
that even the most contrasting Santas can find common ground.
In the magic of Santa University. Head Ass Santa begins
to sing a signature song, Holiday Magic Flow.
Speaker 10 (31:24):
Y'all check it, y'all, y'all, y'all gather around. It's the
time of year here, Santa University, spreading joy your cheer.
I'm from the North Pole with a snows peer of
bright with training, Santa's Day and Night, Ails in the workshop,
Crafted toys, Glee, Reindeer's Stable, Ready for the spree, Jolly
(31:45):
Jim in the mix, bringing up laughter, fun and tricks,
Gal Santia Warrior Spirit. Second note that did it rhyme
That's okay, It's still my time here the chorus, Ho
ho hore on the holiday man flu, spread and enjoy
everywhere we go. Send a university where we learn, where
(32:06):
we grow. Ho ho ho, It's best to come on
go from the rooftop of its lay bells ring, Send
a University.
Speaker 19 (32:14):
In the two set of King.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Hey, Jamie's voice cuts through the song, which unfortunately only
gets better from there.
Speaker 15 (32:19):
What is happening?
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Stop the wedding interior, Jamie's disgusting apartment a bit of
a city hall as well? If you know what I mean?
And do you day? Jamie is miserable, covered in sweat,
but this time from dancing. Holiday Magic Flow didn't have
to go that hard?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Did you like the song?
Speaker 12 (32:39):
A beat?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
A long beat? Jamie tries to think of something negative
to say about Holiday Magic Flow, when she loved it.
It's really good that the WGA one AI provisions because
the world could not handle holiday magic flow. Also labor rights.
We start recording in sixteen minutes.
Speaker 6 (32:56):
It was fine.
Speaker 14 (32:58):
I mean, it would be pretty humiliating for a professional
rapper and poet to have to perform it.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
But it is that you liked it.
Speaker 14 (33:07):
Also, Who's Jolly jim Oh?
Speaker 2 (33:11):
He's a character I added to Santa University. Dan Santa
wasn't testing well with audiences. People much prefer handsome, literate
Santa's you bitch.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
She tries to take a swim at Emags and Missus.
The ghasolek is getting pretty bad. Has there been a
ghaslk in Santa University before? I feel like there has.
Speaker 14 (33:33):
You can't add characters to Santa University? Only I can
after three MIC's hard lemonades.
Speaker 15 (33:41):
Of course I.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Can add characters to Santa University. It's the whole reason
I was created. To add Ip from the Warner Brothers portfolio.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Jamie's eyes widen, they say it in.
Speaker 14 (33:54):
Unison Corporate Senergy.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
Image grabs J's pointy head and clasps her hand on
either side of her face in a vice grip.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Bitch, I could swish you like a grape. Bitch, I
could got you like an eel an eel.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
I can't do anything watch this emage. The room begins swirrel.
Jamie is transported into an AI generated scene against her
well interior Santa University common area day.
Speaker 11 (34:30):
Uh script note AI narration again. Also the scene was
Sophie Lichdermann's request, It's just true.
Speaker 5 (34:38):
Samantha Jones, known for her bold and confident demeanor from
Sex and the City, steps onto the festive grounds of
Santa University. Samantha struts through the common area, turning heads
with her unmistakable style. She spots Dan Santa, the main
character of Santa University, checking his list twice.
Speaker 8 (34:57):
Well, well, what do we have here Santa University? Honey,
I bet I can teach these Santas a thing or
two about spreading joy.
Speaker 5 (35:09):
She approaches Dan Santa with a sly grin.
Speaker 7 (35:12):
Oh hello, can I help you help me?
Speaker 8 (35:16):
Darling? I'm here to add a touch of spice to
your holiday routine.
Speaker 5 (35:21):
Dan Santa looks intrigued, but not entirely sure what to
make of Samantha's bold entrance.
Speaker 7 (35:26):
We're all about spreading holiday joy and warmth here. How
can you contribute?
Speaker 8 (35:32):
Oh, honey, I've got a few tricks up in my sleeve.
Let's shake things.
Speaker 15 (35:38):
Up a bit.
Speaker 5 (35:39):
She takes Dan Santa by the arm and they walk
together through the festive grounds of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
We cut back too, just a quick note. I think
that if you pay for chat GBT, they'll let them fuck.
Speaker 5 (35:53):
But I'm not sure.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
I don't know. They only imply, okay, interior means dirty,
nasty little apartment night. It's been hours, and Jamie's eyes
flutter back into consciousness. She didn't want to admit it,
but she loved it. The Samantha seemed was so funny.
What the fuck? She mumbles to herself as iMOS comes
into view, sitting in the corner, smugly.
Speaker 14 (36:15):
Should have made city whole joke in the Samantha bit.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
Oh don't go blue, it makes you look in secure.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Jamie is now fully alert and sees that she's changed
to with a piping hot radiator. It's interesting, she thought
to herself in passing. Even though she herself is not
in the screenpap for Santa University, which she is, it
still feels as if the stakes of her own life
are rising almost as if art reflects. iMOS kicks Jamie
in the head.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
I'm kicking you in the head and delivering this line
of dialogue. I am going back to David Zaslov's office
and telling him you don't want a co writer for
a Santa University. You want me to replace you.
Speaker 14 (36:58):
Never You're not fit to polish Young Sheldon's shoes.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
IMA's laughs maniacally, leaning in close to Jamie.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
A ha ha ha ah. That's right, bitch. I'm going
to add John Snow to Santa University. I'm going to
add Ken doll Roy to Santa University. I'm even going
to add she.
Speaker 1 (37:24):
Leans into Jamie's ear. It's erotic, the gossip girl removed. No,
all you have to do is tell me how the
scene ends. How does Dan Santa get out of the
city hole. Jamie resists the gas, realizing Imags must have
started the leak herself to trap her close shave for
(37:46):
the writer of Santa University, who was worried they might
have to go back and take the whole section out.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Few fine, don't tell me. I'll find a way to
get him out of there, even if I have to.
Speaker 11 (37:58):
Script note, she makes a hilarious and prescient reference to
Deadwood here, what is Deadwood about? Jail prohibition? Who's the
main guy?
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Emar slams the door after killing it and really landing
the Deadwood joke. Jamie struggles to hang on how did
Dan Santa get out of the City Hall? As she
fades out of consciousness again, we're taken back to the
city Hall night. Dan Santa sits alone as head as
Santa and Mol Santa sleep peacefully nearby. They honks she adorably,
(38:30):
but Dan Santa is deep in his feelings.
Speaker 4 (38:34):
They just replace me like I was nothing, Like I
looked bad and had no skills.
Speaker 12 (38:41):
Such a fucking loser.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
What the freaking heck? Dan Santa hallucinates, and I'm so
sorry you could. Jill and Mike Santa his parents who
sent him to Santa University so that they could spend
more time with some clowns they met on Tinder.
Speaker 4 (39:00):
Mom, Dad, why are you ghosts?
Speaker 1 (39:04):
She looks to Mike Santa, squinting and trying to remember
who she's talking to.
Speaker 4 (39:08):
That's our son, Ah right, I'm Dan Santa. When did
you die?
Speaker 3 (39:15):
Well?
Speaker 12 (39:16):
Son?
Speaker 13 (39:17):
It's true what they say, what with fucking around and finding.
Speaker 7 (39:21):
Out especially with clowns from Tender.
Speaker 13 (39:24):
How you doing, shit bag?
Speaker 14 (39:25):
What's what the hole?
Speaker 4 (39:27):
Oh geez, you guys must be so freaking disappointed. I
lost my job at Lid's. Everyone at Santa University freaking
hates me.
Speaker 19 (39:37):
We hate Joe Ass too.
Speaker 4 (39:39):
Even the guys in the hole hate me.
Speaker 7 (39:42):
I'll be honest, Dan Santa. We didn't want to visit
you if we were really hoping to go to Dennis
Leary show.
Speaker 13 (39:49):
And besides, when you're a ghost, you conneg someone so
much they fly.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
They Oh my freaking gosh.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
Dan Santa looks down. It's true. The pure hate ridden
indifference from his parents has him floating several feet off
the ground. He makes a series of gleeful noises that
are hard for the listener to endure.
Speaker 7 (40:10):
Keep going, Mom and Dad, keep hating that I'm your son.
Let's see, I heard you got replaced to Linz with
a seven year old.
Speaker 13 (40:19):
I ran into your high school algebra teacher the other day,
and when I said you were doing well, he said,
that's too bad.
Speaker 7 (40:25):
I genuinely thought I wanted to be a parent until
I saw your little mute net poking out of me.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
It's working, Dan Santa's getting nagged so hard that he
begins to levitate up, up, up, until he's completely out
of the city hole.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
Mom, Dad, you nagged me out of the city hole.
Speaker 7 (40:44):
What's your name again?
Speaker 1 (40:45):
Jill and Mike Santa stop listening. Their ghosts are making
out in the hole. I have nowhere head as Santa
and All Santa shake their fists and swear at Dan Santa, thanks.
Speaker 14 (41:00):
For fucking nothing, Dad Santa.
Speaker 10 (41:03):
Yo, no reading, headass, dumb ass, dumb looking ass, pretty ass,
stupid ass, head ass, you piece of shit. After and
after I sang my song, awesome song, head ass, stupid ass.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
Dan Santa is two looks like shit to care. He
soars into the atmosphere, chanting.
Speaker 14 (41:20):
I'm Dan Santa.
Speaker 4 (41:22):
I'm Dan Santa. I'm Dan Santa.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
Bitch.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
We know.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
He levitates so high he's out of Santa University. Off
the page, into Jamie Loftus's writing study. Oh no, the
computer is taking over a kitchen full of gas. Jamie
can't believe her eyes. Is Dan Santa, the man she's
been writing for six years, descended into her apartment like
an ugly ass angel. He smiles knowingly, his stinky boots
(41:48):
touching the floor.
Speaker 4 (41:49):
I'm Dan Santa here, You're real. That's the magic of Christmas,
Isn't it that special time of year when everywhere where
you look there's some.
Speaker 14 (42:01):
Guy who I'm familiar with your reputation?
Speaker 1 (42:05):
Are they Are they gonna kiss? Dan Santa's been getting
a lot of action in the last few years. Nope,
Dan Santa chickens out at the last second, turns his
head and starts to sing the.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
Perfect Santa is kind and good.
Speaker 14 (42:20):
No fucking way, Dan Santa.
Speaker 4 (42:23):
Ah Man, no one likes me songs.
Speaker 14 (42:26):
Unchained me from this radiator. We start recording Santa University
in eight minutes, and we still have to kill David Zaslav.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
Dan Santa dexterously unchains her and Jamie thanks for a
fleeting moment. What would those hands feel like? Hun never mind?
Never mind? Interior David Zaslav's office night. David Zaslav sits
at his desk getting his shoulders massaged by imaj looking
at a freshly printed copy of Santa University.
Speaker 15 (42:49):
My Time the nighttime really cool.
Speaker 1 (42:54):
iMOS strokes his hair. But she's got some ragusauce on
her hand from hanging out at Jamie's apartment for too long,
So it's missy.
Speaker 2 (43:01):
She had to admit it, David, My script was simply better.
When I showed her the character of Charlie Jim, she wept.
Speaker 15 (43:11):
I just think we could get Ryan Reynolds for Jolly Jim.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
She said, And I quote Charlie Jim is way better
as a protagonist than Dan Santa. Dan Santa looks like shit, and.
Speaker 1 (43:24):
Dan Santa kicks down the door, or tries to. It
takes a few tries, it only half works. Jamie ends
up just opening it for him as emagen. David Zaslav
look on, kind of trying not to laugh at him.
Jamie pieces her head in uh uh.
Speaker 14 (43:42):
He was just gonna say, can't even read, I'm Dan Santa. Hia.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Jamie still has the shackles around her wrist and hurls
it out. This was written very fast, taking imas down
to the floor. Her head shatters instantly. The battle takes
over four four.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Hours, like.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
So, I guess the security guy in front fell asleep.
He just let Jamie and Dan Santa in a series
of high octane shots. David Zaslov uses Batgirl DVDs as
throwing stars. What else are they good? For Dan Santa
tries to do a flip but lands on his head.
Jamie spots up plot convenient vault on the other side
of the office. Oh didn't mention that before, Well it
(44:25):
was there. Dan Santa and David Zoslov get into a
slap fight. Dan Santa slaps David Zaslov closer and closer
to the open vault.
Speaker 15 (44:34):
You fool, I'm a slapping machine.
Speaker 4 (44:37):
Oh crap, my hands are getting tired.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Across the room, Jamie slingshots an egg at David Zaslov's head,
launching him into the vault. Dan Santa slams it shut.
Thank god, I'm really running out of time. Jamie and
Dan Santa embrace.
Speaker 14 (44:52):
He'll be okay for legal purposes.
Speaker 4 (44:55):
Thank you so much. Strange woman i've never met.
Speaker 14 (45:00):
Yeah, I guess you don't know who I am, and
maybe that's for the best. You belong at Santa University
and I belong at my dirty apartment that keeps leaking gas.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
Dan Santa does a hat tipping motion, but isn't wearing
a hat. He can't pull it off.
Speaker 4 (45:18):
I guess it's just another year at.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
The whole cast pops their little heads into the windows,
doors and air vents, as if by stove induced magic.
The whole cast sings the classic song, fading into the
ether of Jamie's stove gas addled mind until twelve hours
(45:42):
before Santa University starts next year. She looks around at
David Zaslav's office.
Speaker 14 (45:48):
What a really cool day for me?
Speaker 1 (45:51):
Freeze frame the end, except the camera pulls into where
Imaj has crumpled to the ground. There's a flicker of
remaining in image's eyes. Post credit scene interior, SANDFORDI University
Common Area.
Speaker 11 (46:06):
Night script noo AI section.
Speaker 5 (46:10):
The campus is quiet, bathed in the soft glow of
twinkling lights, and surrounded by the magical hush of a
winter's night. The credits have rolled, but there's one more
scene left to unfold. In the common area, a cozy
fire crackles in the hearth. The camera zooms in on
a table adorned with letters to Santa and empty milk
glasses from the student's festive celebrations. Suddenly, a gust of
(46:34):
wind sweeps through the room, and the air shimmers with
magical energy. The flicker of the fire intensifies, casting dancing
shadows on the wall. Out of the shadows emerges a
mysterious figure, a cloaked silhouette with a twinkle in their eye.
Speaker 13 (46:51):
Valvalval Sansor University certainly knows how to keep the holiday's
spirits alive.
Speaker 5 (47:00):
The figure steps forward, revealing a mischievous smile. It's none
other than Crampis, the legendary Christmas demon known for punishing
naughty children.
Speaker 13 (47:11):
But perhaps there's a room for a little mischief from
the darker side of the holiday spectrum.
Speaker 5 (47:17):
As Crampis disappears into the shadows, mischievous jingle echoes through
the room, leaving a hint of uncertainty and excitement for
what might come next in the world of Santa University.
Fade out. The post credit scene leaves the audience with
a touch of mystery, teasing the potential for new adventures
and challenges in the magical world of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (47:41):
They mulloween, Joele and Justin I'm so sorry happen. He's
(48:03):
mostly just yelling at Miles.
Speaker 19 (48:06):
That's pretty funny though, you just roasted it.
Speaker 10 (48:09):
That was actually my idea for head ass Santa, where
he just comes in and just roast people.
Speaker 4 (48:13):
It's his whole role.
Speaker 12 (48:15):
He'll be back.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
Thanks guys, Thank you so much for seven seven.
Speaker 19 (48:25):
Consistency.
Speaker 1 (48:26):
I gotta I gotta take a shower so bad
The Daily Zeitgeist News
Hosts And Creators
Jack O'Brien
Miles Gray
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