December 24, 2024 • 27 mins
It's that time again... Santa University is back for an EIGHTH installment!
Written and narrated by Jamie Loftus.
Performed by:
Caitlin Durante
Jack O'Brien
Miles Gray
Danl Goodman
Anna Hossnieh
Joelle Monique
Sophie Lichterman
Robert Evans
Margaret Killjoy
Prop
Grant Crater
Sarah Marshall
Justin Smith
Victor Wright
Catherine Law
With an introduction by Grace Freud
Edited by Bryan The Editor
ENJOY!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello everyone, Grace Freud here, Welcome to Santa University. Eight
eight whole years. Can you fucking believe it? It's longer
than most relationships you've been in. You fucking flop. I
know it's longer than any relationship I've been in. And listen,
in every beloved series, there are entries that are.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
You gotta listen to me right now. This one's really bad.
This one is a there's nothing here for you. Every
year it's the same, Oh it's written last minute. Oh
it's a mess. Well, this year it's maybe even less
finished than ever. It's really objectively eight pages long, and
(00:47):
then everyone just starts to panic. Throughout this installment, you'll
hear Jamie make various excuses for why this is she's overworked,
her deador like that doesn't happen to anybody else, and
a bunch of other bullshit. But you, the Santa University listener,
should not let her get away with it. You want
(01:10):
to get this movie made and sit your ass down
and write Jamie. Happy holidays everyone, and if this is
your first Santa you, apologies from the management. This is iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
We keep things classy over here, and this quality of
content is not characteristic of our very large company, because
she couldn't be bothered to write it down this year.
These are pages from the still unproduced six hundred page
screenplay Santi University, the musical about a school full of
forty thousand Santas where every year thirty nine and ninety
(01:43):
nine Santas are killed and the last Santa standing is
the one true Santa. So as you listen to this
associative episode, just remind yourself that it's too late for
you to stop listening, or for Jamie to stop writing.
Santa University is a death cult and we will never
ever be.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Free of it.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Jamie here with a quick cast list before we start
the formal file. We have Miles Gray reprising his starring
role as Dan Santa, Jack O'Brien as Dean Santa on A.
Jsnier in the iconic role of Gal Santa. Caitlin Dorante
reprises the role of Sully, who in this case is
a pilot heard of that before. We have Joelle Monique
(02:25):
as Michelle Numbers and David Zaslov who I did not
remember to write a line for, Catherine Law as Intellect Santa.
Sophie Lichterman as betrayal Santa, Sarah Marshall as God Santa,
Robert Evans as second Amendment Santa, Margaret Killjoy as Hot
Woman of the Wood, Santa prop as Cool Santa, and
(02:45):
wait for it, Luigi Mangioni dated maybe by the time
you're listening to it, Brian Jeffries as pregnant Santa, who
also very very generously edited this to make it sound listenable.
Justin Smith as Pimple that's not quite ready to pop,
so it's frustrating Santa. Victor Wright as arms were his
eyes should be Santa, and Jamie loftus Chris Crofton reprising
(03:10):
his famous role of glory Hole Santa, and Grant Crater
as the dog that keeps getting shot. Let's get into it,
shall we? Santa University eight, mostly improv due to budget constraints.
Interior eighty degrees December Hell. Here we are Santa University eight.
(03:34):
Jamie here the esteemed screenwriter of Santi University, the six
hundred and forty seven page epic musical where forty thousand
Santas are admitted every year to Santi University, but only
one lives until graduation. Originally supposed to be released in
twenty seventeen. Pages from the script have leaked at every
(03:56):
Yule tide, just as the writer's mental capacity is at
its breaking point, making others laugh as she sank deeper
into whatever was actually going on. These pages, pages sixteen
to thirty, were paradoxically found wedge between pages fifteen and
sixteen of the original Santi University script, drenched in French
(04:18):
dressing but just barely legible. It is unclear whether they
were intended to be filmed or included in the final product.
But after a year of contracting AI to write scripts
that ended up being right wing porn, the bad kind
that doesn't make money, David Zaslov decided to shake off
the pages and give it a shot. Oho Jamie, thrilled
(04:41):
to be working but dismayed to be paid in coupons
and canned cocktails, panted the pages over, drenched in milky
orange sauce as intended. We meet the crew mid jingle
Class interior jingle Class Day. It's a scene from Santi
University one. Don't re remember well, aren't you young? You
(05:02):
six son of a bitch. I wish you were dead
instead of anyone I knew personally. We see Dan Santa
looks like shit cannot read and Goth Santa Dan Santa's
bright eyes fan friend who will amount to very little
trying to jingle their bells without success as Gal Santa nepotism,
(05:22):
beautiful and Cool Santa cool jingle theirs with success.
Speaker 4 (05:28):
Look, man, shit gets crazy, scary, spooky, hilarious. And if
I was Dan Santa, shed, I put myself through a
Santa shredder.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Oh my gee. Dan looks over to the Santa shredder,
a Santa sized shredder. Professors keeping their lecture halls for
intimidation purposes. Gal lapsed, but only half heartedly.
Speaker 5 (05:57):
Sounds like her a little threatened. Cool Santa my boyfriend
for now that.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Is I'm not Santa.
Speaker 6 (06:05):
That's that's awesome, and I would not spread myself in
your place.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
Professor Santa turns to God.
Speaker 7 (06:14):
Now listen, Goth Santa, there will be no interrupting jingle
class as punishment. What is one plus one?
Speaker 2 (06:26):
You'll know, you'll know what.
Speaker 7 (06:30):
Right.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Michelle numbers a new character Wow, exciting shrieks from her
table beside fan favorite arms where his eye should be Santa.
Professor Santa, whose husband has just discovered she's cheating. So
that won't enter. The plot approaches Michelle.
Speaker 8 (06:50):
What is it?
Speaker 7 (06:51):
Michelle Numbers on.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
The professor's eyes widen. She thinks this is a reference
to her raw fucking one of the cafeteria l It
begins to sing in her own defense, song one, There's
enough Santa to go around, a ballad about poly Santa's
from the perspective of a sexually liberated Santa professional. Only
(07:15):
she is their teacher, so it is deeply uncomfortable for everyone.
Speaker 7 (07:19):
Go that's enough Santa to go around?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
And the versions what I was looking for here.
Speaker 9 (07:38):
There's enough Santa. Doesn't make a sound.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
There you go, beautiful, Caitlin.
Speaker 7 (07:48):
Look, I didn't take enough improv classes for this sound bound.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
It doesn't need to rhyme.
Speaker 7 (08:06):
That's good.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
That's a good verse right there. It continues for two verses, theoretically,
and then Michelle Numbers exclaims one the cursed number. The
scene begins to fade, and suddenly we're trapped into interior
American Airlines Flight Santa Crash. Our favorite Santa University characters
(08:33):
are all comfortable settled in on a commercial airline flight,
anxious but excited to go wherever. Australia Cleveland. Wherever you go,
your mental illness follows. Supposing you're Jamie the screenwriter of
Santi University, and you had two weekly series to produce
this year, would you ask me to do this? Anyways?
I have recently seen either twenty eight or thirty six
(08:56):
episodes of Loss in the dead of night, which depends
on whether you can considered being asleep watching Lost, which
I do, and another thing, sleeping or playing Neopets counts
as watch and Lost as long as the media in
question is not created by me Oppenheimer iPad Mini content
(09:17):
my podcast IMAX? Does this make sense? Betrayal Santa, a
flight attendant, wheels her cart of candy canes and moonshine
down the aisle, smiling politely as we meet our favorite characters.
Speaker 10 (09:31):
Uh, just a candy cane for me, please?
Speaker 8 (09:34):
Are you sure it's complimentary?
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Dan, Santa, who can't even read, tries to read the
moonshine bottle.
Speaker 10 (09:42):
Wastol bird, Thank you. I'm allergic to pomegranate.
Speaker 5 (09:48):
I'll take his at a girl.
Speaker 9 (09:50):
Awesome man, right.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
We wouldn't want this scene to pass the backdeill test
poll Anka.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
She hands Gal too moonshines and hands the others in
her row pool sand the Dean Santa and Glory Hole
Santa their own moonshines.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
I'm Gal Santa, the Santa who is a girl.
Speaker 11 (10:06):
And I'm Dean Santa, the Santa University dean and father
to Gal Santa, who will eventually survive until the end
of Santa University. Unlike Dan Santa.
Speaker 12 (10:16):
Got any come there, lay mans.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Look, he means to say, I'm Glory Hole Santa, gals
bio logical father who conceived her by swallowing come in
the glory hole. But no one likes to talk about
it though that's true.
Speaker 12 (10:48):
Colme anyone stop.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Betrayl Santa. He's reeling ford Second Amendment Santa, the Santa
with so many guns, the dog and intellect Santa.
Speaker 13 (11:03):
Hey, waitress Sanna, you know how no one ever wants
to kill a dog and a piece of beloved media.
It's betrayal Santa because it upsets people who can't handle
the world.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Please don't respond, you're setting him up.
Speaker 8 (11:16):
I'm curious how the sentence progresses.
Speaker 14 (11:20):
Well check this out. Let him cook, Let him cook.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
He shoots the dog in the head and dog begins
to sing.
Speaker 12 (11:31):
Dong too.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I'm glad he killed me. I deserved it. A ballad
second amendment Sanda joins it at some point. It's not
in key, but it's powerful.
Speaker 13 (11:41):
Go Sometimes the people who get shot deserve it. Not often,
but it happens occasionally. You all know what I'm talking about,
but for legal reasons, I can't sing about it in
more detail. But come on, we all know who this
song's about.
Speaker 15 (11:56):
And now my verse as the dog ow ow ow
this is the end of my life. Ow ow ow
ow ow ow. I didn't even get a dog wife.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Somehow the dog lives to be shot another time. Later
in the script, the scene continues, Wow, that was incredible.
Speaker 13 (12:21):
Banks want to see it again.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
No, let him cook. Song three, Please don't shoot the
dog again. This is a betrayal Santa song song actually
with second amendment Santa this time as the dog shakes
in fear.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
What is the lady's too lunch?
Speaker 15 (12:39):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
The lady's lunch.
Speaker 12 (12:41):
Are A guess?
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Guess probably it's very Broadway. Yes, no, I should have
I should have thought to tell you who the ladies
who lunch are. It's the lame script, Robert. It's it's
very brassy. It acts like you're singing like you have
forty minutes left to live.
Speaker 9 (13:00):
I'm gonna not.
Speaker 6 (13:01):
Do that, but uh, Robert, let the dogs out do it.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
I've worked on this for months, Robert, it's your time.
Speaker 13 (13:20):
I'm not gonna shoot the dog again. I'm not going
to shoot the dog a second time. But you know,
somebody else got shot this year, and for once, it
was not a bad news story. Usually when that happens,
everyone gets bummed out. We all had a very nice week.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Intellect santas an intelligent woman, and she knows that no
one wants to see the dog get shot in the head.
I guess in the head a second time. But she's
entering the chorus when bang.
Speaker 7 (13:52):
It's okay.
Speaker 15 (13:53):
It's a work of fiction in Santa University. I can't die,
me the dog. And to further the point, I won't die.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
A betrayal, Santa keeps wheeling the cart towards pimple that's
not quite ready to pop. So it's frustrating Santa. Michelle
numbers and pregnant Santa Candy canes anyone, Oh.
Speaker 12 (14:13):
I can't, I'm I'm pregnant.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
A long beat can pregnant women naughty Candy Canes.
Speaker 11 (14:21):
Sorry, the writer of Santa University didn't know what to
do with a pregnant character other than to make them
sit in place and say they can't do anything because
they're pregnant.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
Paul Anka, paul Anka, indeed, oh what the hell?
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Give me some moonshine.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Arms for his eyes should be. Santa grabs the moonshine
from pregnant Santa's hand as betrayal, Santa and I didn't
finish that scene. We fade into the dream world continuous.
Jamie stands in the middle of the ether, so Victory
(14:56):
will desperately try to understand how this bit has been
going on for eight years. Did she think her parents
would outlive this bit? He definitely did. But look at God,
look at me. Shaking her head in disbelief, she's approached
(15:20):
by Dan Santa.
Speaker 10 (15:22):
You came, yes, listen up. My name is Dan Santa,
and I've come here to curse you.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Oh no, For.
Speaker 10 (15:37):
The next ten years minimum, you will spend two to
three desperate hours between your other jobs writing a play
about me, a piece of shit gall appears.
Speaker 5 (15:51):
Who can't even read, and me a girl. I don't
think we're progressed beyond that glory hole, Santa appears me.
Speaker 14 (16:01):
The glory hole Santa from the gory hale, who, if
you'd had sufficient time, would have ended up realizing on
Santa University Island that's sucking the pus from the pimple
that's not quite ready to pop. Santa would satiate.
Speaker 12 (16:14):
His come thirst.
Speaker 16 (16:17):
Disgusting and true, and maybe you would have met me,
the hot woman who's lived in the woods for all
these years, who Michelle Numbers will enter the number one
she's obsessed with into the University Island computer.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
And Michelle Numbers appears. The computer would blow up and
the island would blow up. I'm not very smart and
I can't fucking read, and you're.
Speaker 5 (16:39):
Stuck with all of us, and I'm a girl.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Luigi Mangrioni enters, Hey was go with it? Man?
Speaker 10 (16:51):
If I weren't already pregnant, No, no, got it?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Come number one.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
This is a song for JB. A. K. Victor. I
would let Luigi Mangioni finger me on opening night at
No Serratu. This is a ballad actually between Victor and
and and prop I.
Speaker 9 (17:13):
Guess, okay, hm hmmmm.
Speaker 3 (17:17):
And then come in there too, okay, I.
Speaker 9 (17:24):
Would let Luigi Mangoni finger me on opening.
Speaker 12 (17:32):
Night fingers sperratu, the.
Speaker 9 (17:45):
Right spertu.
Speaker 15 (17:47):
I'm actually Jamie Victor's Jamie.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
I'm gonna change your live just maybe.
Speaker 12 (17:57):
Just finger me at no speratum, the fingus, the index and.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
Then actually kind of everyone joins in after a second
because there's interior. American Airlines Flight Santa crash. For the
(18:36):
first time in the script, the pilot Sully chimes in,
unknown to everyone else on the flight, a person named
Sully has never successfully landed a plane, and is your Hello.
Speaker 7 (18:52):
It's your it's your captain Sully. Okay, I've been here
the whole time, little did you know? Okay, I got
fired from my job Litz, but American Airlines hired me.
Now here's the thing. They did make a movie about me,
starring Tom Hanks. It's a biopic about me, and he
(19:13):
did a fucking shitty job portraying me.
Speaker 9 (19:17):
He did.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
But here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
People start booing Sully because Ady sending himself against this
allegation that he's made.
Speaker 7 (19:29):
Hey, now don't be like that. Okay, I'm gonna I'm
gonna land this plane. You think that Sully's have never
landed a plane. Well I'm gonna land this motherfucking plane.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
In Santa starts bullying and antagonizing Sully as he's about
to land the plane.
Speaker 16 (19:49):
Oh my god, you think you're going to land this plane?
Speaker 14 (19:59):
Well, you know what huge?
Speaker 9 (20:01):
You know what else is huge?
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Lid Lidd's the chain Dean, Santa joins in.
Speaker 11 (20:10):
First of all, the movie about you is great, so
you should shut the funk up about that fucking soul.
That movie rules, and it is a way better pilot
than you. You can't land this plane for ship.
Speaker 9 (20:22):
You suck.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Lid sucks.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
Michelle numbering, Michelle number shaking still finds the energy to
bully Sully the pilot Sully worthless piece of shit. You
better land this plane, chance, Sully, do it?
Speaker 4 (20:38):
Get her at hey, hey, hey, hey Luigi, Luigi here,
hey hey, Sully, shut the fuck up, or I treat
you like a CEO.
Speaker 12 (20:48):
Plane.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
I'm doing it. Why do you guys think I can't. Finally,
the click of a cocked gun is heard from the
back of the plane. From second Amendment, Santa the dog
begins to shake. This shot isn't intended for him.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Here you go.
Speaker 12 (21:04):
You deserve something to do.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Well, Sully, what the fuck are you going to do?
Don't shoot man, I can land this plane. Sully starts
to land the plane competently to everyone's shottention that everyone
that everything was building towards glory holds. Santa, in his
(21:29):
panic begins to suck the plus from pimple Santa's.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Face, change the satisfy. It's just like.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
John betrayal Santa's arm. Meaningfully, it's been feeling a vibe
between us.
Speaker 8 (21:52):
Oh no, honey, I don't think you have I'm betrayal Santa.
And if the writer Santa University had had the bandwidth,
she would have set up an bait and switched romance
that would end in our betrayal.
Speaker 9 (22:08):
And then I'd be your true love only.
Speaker 16 (22:10):
Instead of it just being comfortable and easy, I would
try to explain to you why polyamory would be able
to fix you and all of the problems you've been having.
Speaker 9 (22:18):
With betraying people. Oh no, although I'm not on the plane,
Jamie didn't get that far.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Nonetheless, Song five is a is a three part ballot
between hot woman Santa, Goth Santa, and betrayal Santa called
she didn't finish the script, which is a jazzy number
that ends in the hot woman shooting the dog again.
(22:50):
Oh my god, oh boy.
Speaker 9 (22:53):
She didn't finish the script. No, she didn't stop.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
The script. Stop the world's been turned. Since the world's
been turning.
Speaker 9 (23:04):
She didn't finish the script.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Not believe on the assassination, other stuff in the news.
I forget. What's some kind of an election, Jamie, script
jump in, you're in the news man.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
I am the new new main main character, Buck Mario,
Buck Mario. I'm gonna teacher.
Speaker 12 (23:34):
How to finish the job.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
A teacher.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
The job, Jamie, Jamie, Yeah, going, let's te.
Speaker 12 (23:50):
Jamie, got any come?
Speaker 8 (23:54):
I did not shoot the dog.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Just for the record, it could never be me. Finally,
the three you women agree on a high note, and
then okay, let's all agree on a note.
Speaker 12 (24:14):
And then wow, no, woman.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Who lives in the Woodsta shoots the dog in the
head again.
Speaker 9 (24:19):
I don't know what came over me.
Speaker 11 (24:22):
Damn, I can't catch a break.
Speaker 10 (24:26):
He really shot the dog how many times over this book?
Speaker 9 (24:29):
This last time it was me, and I don't know
how I feel about it?
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Okay, what is what is going on?
Speaker 10 (24:34):
I just why does everything have to be so scary?
Speaker 3 (24:38):
No, no, my freaking god.
Speaker 9 (24:40):
Because when you live alone in the woods, everything is scary.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
What I tell y'all, put this man in this redder.
I tried to tell y'all, you didn't win to this reddit.
Don't nobody listen to.
Speaker 9 (24:48):
It's me the Dog.
Speaker 15 (24:49):
I think we should maybe all take a moment of
science to consider the violent vicissitudes of the American character.
Speaker 7 (24:54):
Hi, it's me Stolly. Is anyone gonna congratulate me for
land in the plane?
Speaker 9 (25:03):
It's not a bare minimum.
Speaker 17 (25:07):
I wasn't even on the plane on this island. And
then I showed up and sang a song and then shot.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Oh wow, clap with this guy for doing his job.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Got any come.
Speaker 17 (25:25):
Well, welcome to my island. I have a strong dog
corns in procedure. I really wish you would followed. It
would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. I feel
terrible about it, but there's just there's a lot of
a lot of wildlife here that just there's dog born
illnesses that would have absolutely destroyed all of the birds.
(25:46):
And I feel terrible about it, okay, but it had
to be done, and and I just really wish Sully.
I think you're the pilot, and I think that you
should have been more responsible about your flight plan before
you landed the plane, which you did a very good job,
and I know that a lot of people thought I
couldn't do it.
Speaker 9 (26:03):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (26:04):
I yeah, here's the thing. I don't really I'm not
paying attention to how many dogs are on my flight,
so that's not on me.
Speaker 9 (26:12):
There's more than there's another dog.
Speaker 5 (26:14):
I think it's just another year at.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Wow, the plan miraculously lands. If there had been more time,
more would have happened. But this is basically just a
pointless splashback covered in French dressing, to a time that
most of the characters from Santi University took a flight
to Cleveland and everything went completely normal, And that's why
(26:51):
it was ultimately cut from the script. Nonetheless, I hope
you enjoyed these cut pages from Santa University, and I
hope you understand why they were cut. Although there were
some incredible ballads and God Santa never appears again, unfortunately,
because in this world there is very little showing of God.
(27:13):
And with that, that's a scene on Santa University eight.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Maybe Grace Freud Christmas Angel here again. I know that
one was rough, but you can't be mad about it,
because Jesus Christ, she got thirty years with the guy.
Better luck next to you those stinky happy holidays. Oh
(27:42):
and if you want to watch something that's complete, you
can watch my Mega Lapolist Christmas special right now on YouTube.
Thanks everybody,
Hello everyone, Grace Freud here, Welcome to Santa University. Eight
eight whole years. Can you fucking believe it? It's longer
than most relationships you've been in. You fucking flop. I
know it's longer than any relationship I've been in. And listen,
in every beloved series, there are entries that are.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
You gotta listen to me right now. This one's really bad.
This one is a there's nothing here for you. Every
year it's the same, Oh it's written last minute. Oh
it's a mess. Well, this year it's maybe even less
finished than ever. It's really objectively eight pages long, and
(00:47):
then everyone just starts to panic. Throughout this installment, you'll
hear Jamie make various excuses for why this is she's overworked,
her deador like that doesn't happen to anybody else, and
a bunch of other bullshit. But you, the Santa University listener,
should not let her get away with it. You want
(01:10):
to get this movie made and sit your ass down
and write Jamie. Happy holidays everyone, and if this is
your first Santa you, apologies from the management. This is iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
We keep things classy over here, and this quality of
content is not characteristic of our very large company, because
she couldn't be bothered to write it down this year.
These are pages from the still unproduced six hundred page
screenplay Santi University, the musical about a school full of
forty thousand Santas where every year thirty nine and ninety
(01:43):
nine Santas are killed and the last Santa standing is
the one true Santa. So as you listen to this
associative episode, just remind yourself that it's too late for
you to stop listening, or for Jamie to stop writing.
Santa University is a death cult and we will never
ever be.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Free of it.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Jamie here with a quick cast list before we start
the formal file. We have Miles Gray reprising his starring
role as Dan Santa, Jack O'Brien as Dean Santa on A.
Jsnier in the iconic role of Gal Santa. Caitlin Dorante
reprises the role of Sully, who in this case is
a pilot heard of that before. We have Joelle Monique
(02:25):
as Michelle Numbers and David Zaslov who I did not
remember to write a line for, Catherine Law as Intellect Santa.
Sophie Lichterman as betrayal Santa, Sarah Marshall as God Santa,
Robert Evans as second Amendment Santa, Margaret Killjoy as Hot
Woman of the Wood, Santa prop as Cool Santa, and
(02:45):
wait for it, Luigi Mangioni dated maybe by the time
you're listening to it, Brian Jeffries as pregnant Santa, who
also very very generously edited this to make it sound listenable.
Justin Smith as Pimple that's not quite ready to pop,
so it's frustrating Santa. Victor Wright as arms were his
eyes should be Santa, and Jamie loftus Chris Crofton reprising
(03:10):
his famous role of glory Hole Santa, and Grant Crater
as the dog that keeps getting shot. Let's get into it,
shall we? Santa University eight, mostly improv due to budget constraints.
Interior eighty degrees December Hell. Here we are Santa University eight.
(03:34):
Jamie here the esteemed screenwriter of Santi University, the six
hundred and forty seven page epic musical where forty thousand
Santas are admitted every year to Santi University, but only
one lives until graduation. Originally supposed to be released in
twenty seventeen. Pages from the script have leaked at every
(03:56):
Yule tide, just as the writer's mental capacity is at
its breaking point, making others laugh as she sank deeper
into whatever was actually going on. These pages, pages sixteen
to thirty, were paradoxically found wedge between pages fifteen and
sixteen of the original Santi University script, drenched in French
(04:18):
dressing but just barely legible. It is unclear whether they
were intended to be filmed or included in the final product.
But after a year of contracting AI to write scripts
that ended up being right wing porn, the bad kind
that doesn't make money, David Zaslov decided to shake off
the pages and give it a shot. Oho Jamie, thrilled
(04:41):
to be working but dismayed to be paid in coupons
and canned cocktails, panted the pages over, drenched in milky
orange sauce as intended. We meet the crew mid jingle
Class interior jingle Class Day. It's a scene from Santi
University one. Don't re remember well, aren't you young? You
(05:02):
six son of a bitch. I wish you were dead
instead of anyone I knew personally. We see Dan Santa
looks like shit cannot read and Goth Santa Dan Santa's
bright eyes fan friend who will amount to very little
trying to jingle their bells without success as Gal Santa nepotism,
(05:22):
beautiful and Cool Santa cool jingle theirs with success.
Speaker 4 (05:28):
Look, man, shit gets crazy, scary, spooky, hilarious. And if
I was Dan Santa, shed, I put myself through a
Santa shredder.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Oh my gee. Dan looks over to the Santa shredder,
a Santa sized shredder. Professors keeping their lecture halls for
intimidation purposes. Gal lapsed, but only half heartedly.
Speaker 5 (05:57):
Sounds like her a little threatened. Cool Santa my boyfriend
for now that.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Is I'm not Santa.
Speaker 6 (06:05):
That's that's awesome, and I would not spread myself in
your place.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
Professor Santa turns to God.
Speaker 7 (06:14):
Now listen, Goth Santa, there will be no interrupting jingle
class as punishment. What is one plus one?
Speaker 2 (06:26):
You'll know, you'll know what.
Speaker 7 (06:30):
Right.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Michelle numbers a new character Wow, exciting shrieks from her
table beside fan favorite arms where his eye should be Santa.
Professor Santa, whose husband has just discovered she's cheating. So
that won't enter. The plot approaches Michelle.
Speaker 8 (06:50):
What is it?
Speaker 7 (06:51):
Michelle Numbers on.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
The professor's eyes widen. She thinks this is a reference
to her raw fucking one of the cafeteria l It
begins to sing in her own defense, song one, There's
enough Santa to go around, a ballad about poly Santa's
from the perspective of a sexually liberated Santa professional. Only
(07:15):
she is their teacher, so it is deeply uncomfortable for everyone.
Speaker 7 (07:19):
Go that's enough Santa to go around?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
And the versions what I was looking for here.
Speaker 9 (07:38):
There's enough Santa. Doesn't make a sound.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
There you go, beautiful, Caitlin.
Speaker 7 (07:48):
Look, I didn't take enough improv classes for this sound bound.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
It doesn't need to rhyme.
Speaker 7 (08:06):
That's good.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
That's a good verse right there. It continues for two verses, theoretically,
and then Michelle Numbers exclaims one the cursed number. The
scene begins to fade, and suddenly we're trapped into interior
American Airlines Flight Santa Crash. Our favorite Santa University characters
(08:33):
are all comfortable settled in on a commercial airline flight,
anxious but excited to go wherever. Australia Cleveland. Wherever you go,
your mental illness follows. Supposing you're Jamie the screenwriter of
Santi University, and you had two weekly series to produce
this year, would you ask me to do this? Anyways?
I have recently seen either twenty eight or thirty six
(08:56):
episodes of Loss in the dead of night, which depends
on whether you can considered being asleep watching Lost, which
I do, and another thing, sleeping or playing Neopets counts
as watch and Lost as long as the media in
question is not created by me Oppenheimer iPad Mini content
(09:17):
my podcast IMAX? Does this make sense? Betrayal Santa, a
flight attendant, wheels her cart of candy canes and moonshine
down the aisle, smiling politely as we meet our favorite characters.
Speaker 10 (09:31):
Uh, just a candy cane for me, please?
Speaker 8 (09:34):
Are you sure it's complimentary?
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Dan, Santa, who can't even read, tries to read the
moonshine bottle.
Speaker 10 (09:42):
Wastol bird, Thank you. I'm allergic to pomegranate.
Speaker 5 (09:48):
I'll take his at a girl.
Speaker 9 (09:50):
Awesome man, right.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
We wouldn't want this scene to pass the backdeill test
poll Anka.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
She hands Gal too moonshines and hands the others in
her row pool sand the Dean Santa and Glory Hole
Santa their own moonshines.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
I'm Gal Santa, the Santa who is a girl.
Speaker 11 (10:06):
And I'm Dean Santa, the Santa University dean and father
to Gal Santa, who will eventually survive until the end
of Santa University. Unlike Dan Santa.
Speaker 12 (10:16):
Got any come there, lay mans.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Look, he means to say, I'm Glory Hole Santa, gals
bio logical father who conceived her by swallowing come in
the glory hole. But no one likes to talk about
it though that's true.
Speaker 12 (10:48):
Colme anyone stop.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Betrayl Santa. He's reeling ford Second Amendment Santa, the Santa
with so many guns, the dog and intellect Santa.
Speaker 13 (11:03):
Hey, waitress Sanna, you know how no one ever wants
to kill a dog and a piece of beloved media.
It's betrayal Santa because it upsets people who can't handle
the world.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Please don't respond, you're setting him up.
Speaker 8 (11:16):
I'm curious how the sentence progresses.
Speaker 14 (11:20):
Well check this out. Let him cook, Let him cook.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
He shoots the dog in the head and dog begins
to sing.
Speaker 12 (11:31):
Dong too.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
I'm glad he killed me. I deserved it. A ballad
second amendment Sanda joins it at some point. It's not
in key, but it's powerful.
Speaker 13 (11:41):
Go Sometimes the people who get shot deserve it. Not often,
but it happens occasionally. You all know what I'm talking about,
but for legal reasons, I can't sing about it in
more detail. But come on, we all know who this
song's about.
Speaker 15 (11:56):
And now my verse as the dog ow ow ow
this is the end of my life. Ow ow ow
ow ow ow. I didn't even get a dog wife.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Somehow the dog lives to be shot another time. Later
in the script, the scene continues, Wow, that was incredible.
Speaker 13 (12:21):
Banks want to see it again.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
No, let him cook. Song three, Please don't shoot the
dog again. This is a betrayal Santa song song actually
with second amendment Santa this time as the dog shakes
in fear.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
What is the lady's too lunch?
Speaker 15 (12:39):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
The lady's lunch.
Speaker 12 (12:41):
Are A guess?
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Guess probably it's very Broadway. Yes, no, I should have
I should have thought to tell you who the ladies
who lunch are. It's the lame script, Robert. It's it's
very brassy. It acts like you're singing like you have
forty minutes left to live.
Speaker 9 (13:00):
I'm gonna not.
Speaker 6 (13:01):
Do that, but uh, Robert, let the dogs out do it.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
I've worked on this for months, Robert, it's your time.
Speaker 13 (13:20):
I'm not gonna shoot the dog again. I'm not going
to shoot the dog a second time. But you know,
somebody else got shot this year, and for once, it
was not a bad news story. Usually when that happens,
everyone gets bummed out. We all had a very nice week.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Intellect santas an intelligent woman, and she knows that no
one wants to see the dog get shot in the head.
I guess in the head a second time. But she's
entering the chorus when bang.
Speaker 7 (13:52):
It's okay.
Speaker 15 (13:53):
It's a work of fiction in Santa University. I can't die,
me the dog. And to further the point, I won't die.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
A betrayal, Santa keeps wheeling the cart towards pimple that's
not quite ready to pop. So it's frustrating Santa. Michelle
numbers and pregnant Santa Candy canes anyone, Oh.
Speaker 12 (14:13):
I can't, I'm I'm pregnant.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
A long beat can pregnant women naughty Candy Canes.
Speaker 11 (14:21):
Sorry, the writer of Santa University didn't know what to
do with a pregnant character other than to make them
sit in place and say they can't do anything because
they're pregnant.
Speaker 8 (14:30):
Paul Anka, paul Anka, indeed, oh what the hell?
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Give me some moonshine.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Arms for his eyes should be. Santa grabs the moonshine
from pregnant Santa's hand as betrayal, Santa and I didn't
finish that scene. We fade into the dream world continuous.
Jamie stands in the middle of the ether, so Victory
(14:56):
will desperately try to understand how this bit has been
going on for eight years. Did she think her parents
would outlive this bit? He definitely did. But look at God,
look at me. Shaking her head in disbelief, she's approached
(15:20):
by Dan Santa.
Speaker 10 (15:22):
You came, yes, listen up. My name is Dan Santa,
and I've come here to curse you.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Oh no, For.
Speaker 10 (15:37):
The next ten years minimum, you will spend two to
three desperate hours between your other jobs writing a play
about me, a piece of shit gall appears.
Speaker 5 (15:51):
Who can't even read, and me a girl. I don't
think we're progressed beyond that glory hole, Santa appears me.
Speaker 14 (16:01):
The glory hole Santa from the gory hale, who, if
you'd had sufficient time, would have ended up realizing on
Santa University Island that's sucking the pus from the pimple
that's not quite ready to pop. Santa would satiate.
Speaker 12 (16:14):
His come thirst.
Speaker 16 (16:17):
Disgusting and true, and maybe you would have met me,
the hot woman who's lived in the woods for all
these years, who Michelle Numbers will enter the number one
she's obsessed with into the University Island computer.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
And Michelle Numbers appears. The computer would blow up and
the island would blow up. I'm not very smart and
I can't fucking read, and you're.
Speaker 5 (16:39):
Stuck with all of us, and I'm a girl.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Luigi Mangrioni enters, Hey was go with it? Man?
Speaker 10 (16:51):
If I weren't already pregnant, No, no, got it?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Come number one.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
This is a song for JB. A. K. Victor. I
would let Luigi Mangioni finger me on opening night at
No Serratu. This is a ballad actually between Victor and
and and prop I.
Speaker 9 (17:13):
Guess, okay, hm hmmmm.
Speaker 3 (17:17):
And then come in there too, okay, I.
Speaker 9 (17:24):
Would let Luigi Mangoni finger me on opening.
Speaker 12 (17:32):
Night fingers sperratu, the.
Speaker 9 (17:45):
Right spertu.
Speaker 15 (17:47):
I'm actually Jamie Victor's Jamie.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
I'm gonna change your live just maybe.
Speaker 12 (17:57):
Just finger me at no speratum, the fingus, the index and.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
Then actually kind of everyone joins in after a second
because there's interior. American Airlines Flight Santa crash. For the
(18:36):
first time in the script, the pilot Sully chimes in,
unknown to everyone else on the flight, a person named
Sully has never successfully landed a plane, and is your Hello.
Speaker 7 (18:52):
It's your it's your captain Sully. Okay, I've been here
the whole time, little did you know? Okay, I got
fired from my job Litz, but American Airlines hired me.
Now here's the thing. They did make a movie about me,
starring Tom Hanks. It's a biopic about me, and he
(19:13):
did a fucking shitty job portraying me.
Speaker 9 (19:17):
He did.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
But here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
People start booing Sully because Ady sending himself against this
allegation that he's made.
Speaker 7 (19:29):
Hey, now don't be like that. Okay, I'm gonna I'm
gonna land this plane. You think that Sully's have never
landed a plane. Well I'm gonna land this motherfucking plane.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
In Santa starts bullying and antagonizing Sully as he's about
to land the plane.
Speaker 16 (19:49):
Oh my god, you think you're going to land this plane?
Speaker 14 (19:59):
Well, you know what huge?
Speaker 9 (20:01):
You know what else is huge?
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Lid Lidd's the chain Dean, Santa joins in.
Speaker 11 (20:10):
First of all, the movie about you is great, so
you should shut the funk up about that fucking soul.
That movie rules, and it is a way better pilot
than you. You can't land this plane for ship.
Speaker 9 (20:22):
You suck.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Lid sucks.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
Michelle numbering, Michelle number shaking still finds the energy to
bully Sully the pilot Sully worthless piece of shit. You
better land this plane, chance, Sully, do it?
Speaker 4 (20:38):
Get her at hey, hey, hey, hey Luigi, Luigi here,
hey hey, Sully, shut the fuck up, or I treat
you like a CEO.
Speaker 12 (20:48):
Plane.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
I'm doing it. Why do you guys think I can't. Finally,
the click of a cocked gun is heard from the
back of the plane. From second Amendment, Santa the dog
begins to shake. This shot isn't intended for him.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Here you go.
Speaker 12 (21:04):
You deserve something to do.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Well, Sully, what the fuck are you going to do?
Don't shoot man, I can land this plane. Sully starts
to land the plane competently to everyone's shottention that everyone
that everything was building towards glory holds. Santa, in his
(21:29):
panic begins to suck the plus from pimple Santa's.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Face, change the satisfy. It's just like.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
John betrayal Santa's arm. Meaningfully, it's been feeling a vibe
between us.
Speaker 8 (21:52):
Oh no, honey, I don't think you have I'm betrayal Santa.
And if the writer Santa University had had the bandwidth,
she would have set up an bait and switched romance
that would end in our betrayal.
Speaker 9 (22:08):
And then I'd be your true love only.
Speaker 16 (22:10):
Instead of it just being comfortable and easy, I would
try to explain to you why polyamory would be able
to fix you and all of the problems you've been having.
Speaker 9 (22:18):
With betraying people. Oh no, although I'm not on the plane,
Jamie didn't get that far.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Nonetheless, Song five is a is a three part ballot
between hot woman Santa, Goth Santa, and betrayal Santa called
she didn't finish the script, which is a jazzy number
that ends in the hot woman shooting the dog again.
(22:50):
Oh my god, oh boy.
Speaker 9 (22:53):
She didn't finish the script. No, she didn't stop.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
The script. Stop the world's been turned. Since the world's
been turning.
Speaker 9 (23:04):
She didn't finish the script.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Not believe on the assassination, other stuff in the news.
I forget. What's some kind of an election, Jamie, script
jump in, you're in the news man.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
I am the new new main main character, Buck Mario,
Buck Mario. I'm gonna teacher.
Speaker 12 (23:34):
How to finish the job.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
A teacher.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
The job, Jamie, Jamie, Yeah, going, let's te.
Speaker 12 (23:50):
Jamie, got any come?
Speaker 8 (23:54):
I did not shoot the dog.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Just for the record, it could never be me. Finally,
the three you women agree on a high note, and
then okay, let's all agree on a note.
Speaker 12 (24:14):
And then wow, no, woman.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Who lives in the Woodsta shoots the dog in the
head again.
Speaker 9 (24:19):
I don't know what came over me.
Speaker 11 (24:22):
Damn, I can't catch a break.
Speaker 10 (24:26):
He really shot the dog how many times over this book?
Speaker 9 (24:29):
This last time it was me, and I don't know
how I feel about it?
Speaker 3 (24:32):
Okay, what is what is going on?
Speaker 10 (24:34):
I just why does everything have to be so scary?
Speaker 3 (24:38):
No, no, my freaking god.
Speaker 9 (24:40):
Because when you live alone in the woods, everything is scary.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
What I tell y'all, put this man in this redder.
I tried to tell y'all, you didn't win to this reddit.
Don't nobody listen to.
Speaker 9 (24:48):
It's me the Dog.
Speaker 15 (24:49):
I think we should maybe all take a moment of
science to consider the violent vicissitudes of the American character.
Speaker 7 (24:54):
Hi, it's me Stolly. Is anyone gonna congratulate me for
land in the plane?
Speaker 9 (25:03):
It's not a bare minimum.
Speaker 17 (25:07):
I wasn't even on the plane on this island. And
then I showed up and sang a song and then shot.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Oh wow, clap with this guy for doing his job.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Got any come.
Speaker 17 (25:25):
Well, welcome to my island. I have a strong dog
corns in procedure. I really wish you would followed. It
would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. I feel
terrible about it, but there's just there's a lot of
a lot of wildlife here that just there's dog born
illnesses that would have absolutely destroyed all of the birds.
(25:46):
And I feel terrible about it, okay, but it had
to be done, and and I just really wish Sully.
I think you're the pilot, and I think that you
should have been more responsible about your flight plan before
you landed the plane, which you did a very good job,
and I know that a lot of people thought I
couldn't do it.
Speaker 9 (26:03):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (26:04):
I yeah, here's the thing. I don't really I'm not
paying attention to how many dogs are on my flight,
so that's not on me.
Speaker 9 (26:12):
There's more than there's another dog.
Speaker 5 (26:14):
I think it's just another year at.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Wow, the plan miraculously lands. If there had been more time,
more would have happened. But this is basically just a
pointless splashback covered in French dressing, to a time that
most of the characters from Santi University took a flight
to Cleveland and everything went completely normal, And that's why
(26:51):
it was ultimately cut from the script. Nonetheless, I hope
you enjoyed these cut pages from Santa University, and I
hope you understand why they were cut. Although there were
some incredible ballads and God Santa never appears again, unfortunately,
because in this world there is very little showing of God.
(27:13):
And with that, that's a scene on Santa University eight.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Maybe Grace Freud Christmas Angel here again. I know that
one was rough, but you can't be mad about it,
because Jesus Christ, she got thirty years with the guy.
Better luck next to you those stinky happy holidays. Oh
(27:42):
and if you want to watch something that's complete, you
can watch my Mega Lapolist Christmas special right now on YouTube.
Thanks everybody,
The Daily Zeitgeist News
Hosts And Creators
Jack O'Brien
Miles Gray
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