December 25, 2025 • 24 mins
It's that time again... Santa University is back for an NINTH installment!
Written and narrated by Jamie Loftus.
Performed by:
Miles Gray
Jack O'Brien
Anna Hossnieh
Sophie Lichterman
Joelle Monique
Caitlin Durante
Prop
Robert Evans
Victor Wright
Bei Wang
Justin Connor
Catherine Law
Molly Conger
Ian Johnson
Bryan, The Editor
Happy Holidays!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Santa University nine. My name is Jamie Loftus.
I actually did. If you're returning to Santa University for
a ninth year, please seek professional help. If this is
your first time joining us, best of luck. I think
it's pretty intuitive and should make a lot of sense.
Santi University is part of an unproduced project I've been
(00:29):
working on since twenty twelve, the six hundred page script,
and I kind of just yank out fifteen pages a
year or so. We take a look at at what
it is, and we've been doing it for nine years now,
so I've actually written about two hundred pages of Santi University.
Let's not talk about it. Let's get into the cast
of Santa University nine, the Cursed Pages.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Miles Gray and I'll be playing Gan Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
I'll be playing Dean Santa, Goth Santa, and Baby Santa.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
I'm on a host name and I will be playing
Gal Santa.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
I'm Sophia Lick Drumman and I'll be playing Intellect Santa.
Speaker 6 (01:04):
I'm Joel and I have the honor of playing Jamie
and Professor Santa.
Speaker 7 (01:08):
My name is Caitlin Derante. And I'm playing solely Whizz.
Speaker 8 (01:13):
I'm Robert Evans, and in a rare case of casting
against type, I will be playing Second Amendment Santa.
Speaker 9 (01:19):
Yo, low key, what's up, Squad? This is Prop I'll
be playing a head ass Santa.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
This is Victor. I'll be playing the toilet Goblin.
Speaker 10 (01:28):
I'm Bee and I'll be playing pregnant Santa.
Speaker 11 (01:31):
I'm justin. I'll be playing cool Santa.
Speaker 12 (01:33):
I'm Brian the Editor and I'm playing James Cameron.
Speaker 13 (01:37):
I'm Ian Johnson reading as arms where his eyes should
be Santa.
Speaker 14 (01:40):
I'm Catherine Law and I'm playing traum a nurse. I'm
Molly Conger and I'm thrilled to be joining the cast
of Santa University this year as Glory Hole Santa.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
An important part, a crucial role. Ball guys, let's get
into it. Interior via asylum, massive sprawling stone asylum like
the one in Shutter Island. Remember Shutter Island. The twist
is that the DiCaprio character was a patient at the asylum.
(02:13):
You've had twenty years to watch it. Remember when the
old lady said sh in the trailer for Shutter Island,
please stop listening to this and co watch Shutter Island instead, anyways.
James Cameron, who did not direct Shutter Island and couldn't
see Martin Scorsese with the hubble fucking telescope, stands before
(02:37):
the asylum as it begins to rain in a mentally
ill fashion. He holds a large binder containing what should
be a copy of Santa University, but the production's printer
broke the morning of the shoot, and so the script
has been replaced with a stack of receipts colored in
either dried blood or ragusauce. James hamra howls at the door,
(03:02):
Big Doball, I knew this was good casting. Okay. The
trauma nurse answers at the massive stone door.
Speaker 14 (03:12):
Yes, James Cameron. The password to the asylum is pickleball. Now,
what are your wishes?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Three? James Cameron, not understanding that trauma nurses could grant
three wishes but can never bring someone back to life.
Speaker 15 (03:26):
I wish that Avatar Fire and Ash to be the
third best Avatar movie.
Speaker 11 (03:32):
I think this is what he sounds like.
Speaker 15 (03:33):
I wish to get invited to Seth MacFarlane's Christmas party
instead of all those twenty year old women I hear that,
and I wish to see your patient. The writer of
Sanna University.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
The trauma nurs pinches James Cameron's little butt. He laughs
and gets a playful boner interior asylum. The next day,
James Cameron awakes in the trauma nurse's bed, still reeling
from the sexual experience of the night before. Jamie will
under stand the traumters leads him out of her chambers
and to where the patients are.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Oh huh, how bad is it?
Speaker 14 (04:05):
Will she be okay, it's not looking good, mister Cameron.
Speaker 15 (04:09):
Please, after last night, you can call me James.
Speaker 14 (04:11):
Jamie Loftus, the writer of Santa University, has proven herself
to be so mentally ill that we had to reopen
this asylum.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Quote old school end quote. You know what we mean.
She opens another large stone door and reveals Jamie haggard
and miserable. Over thirty now. She shivers behind a set
of little bars with the little phone thing. Because I
realized halfway through that I did not set this in jail.
I set it in an asylum. I'll leave you to alone,
(04:40):
James Cameron yelps as the door shuts.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Wait, could I have your email so we can James.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Cameron must not be as good at sex as he thought.
I didn't think you were coming.
Speaker 12 (04:52):
I did a lot, and that's why I'm confused as
to why she doesn't want my email.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
I need you to get me out, James Cameron. I
don't belong here?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
What happened?
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Jamie frowns, page five fifty to five sixty two of
Santa University. She starts to sing a soft ballad sort
of like I dreamed a Dream. The song is called
will I Ever Be Free from Santa University?
Speaker 6 (05:18):
Will ever be Free from Santa University? No, I'm gonna
die here? Dah dah dead.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Everyone's cheering. A gust of wind blows through the chambers
as the magic of Santa University pierces the world once more.
Santa University the six hundred page unproduced musical about a
university full of Santa's, where forty thousand Santa's a role
each year, but only one survives that has leaked out
installment by installment for nearly a decade. Santa University. Who
(05:52):
one other person on Twitter thinks of the idea for
every year, and then another person is like, oh, Jamie
Loftus does something like that it's called Santa University, and
the Twitter user inevitably replies, I don't know who that is.
The receipts that are supposed to be the pages of
the script to Santa University lift into the air and
we are thrown into Santa University. Nine The Cursed Pages
(06:17):
Interior Jingle Class Day. It's page five hundred and fifty
of Santa University, the first of the twelve cursed pages
of Santa University. I wonder if I will actually make
it to twelve pages. I only have sixty eight minutes
to finish this.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Quit all right, Santas, Let's jingle those bells.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
It's another day in jingle class, and all the characters
we half remember from years past, and inevitably one I'm
going to forget and accidentally hurt someone's feelings. There's Dan,
Santa Gal, Santa Cool, Santa Intellect, Santa Second Amendment, Santa Hell.
There's even arms where his eyes should be Santa.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Ah, jingle, A bell won't ring.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
He clutches as Santa stomach delegately.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
And I don't feel so good.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Arms were his eyes should be Santa uses the arm
where most people's right I would be to shoot him
with a harpoon.
Speaker 13 (07:03):
Shut the hell up, Dan Santa, you would have died
four hundred pages ago if you weren't the protagonist of
Santa University.
Speaker 7 (07:09):
Plus you look like shot.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
All the other Santa's in the room, especially the teacher,
really make a meal of bringing it home and really
good guys. Dan Santa turns to where he thinks Goth Santa,
his roommate at Santa University, who will survive until close
to the end of the movie.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Not quite is ah Jingle God Santa be shot?
Speaker 1 (07:31):
He frowns, Where is God Santa?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Where's God Santa?
Speaker 1 (07:35):
A few students think about shooting Dan Santa with another harpoon,
but harpoons are expensive, so they ignore him. Instead. Into
Alexanta jingles her bell effortlessly.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
If the writer at any sense, she'd make a woman
the protagonist of Santa University, good one in Alexanta. And
that's the Bechdel test. Let's move on.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Are we missing a student goal Santa's eyes widened?
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Wait did the Bechdel test just get passed from a
third character?
Speaker 1 (08:02):
My name is Professor Santa. By the way, it.
Speaker 5 (08:06):
Took until page five hundred and fifty one of the
screenplay at Sandy University, but this might actually be it.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Oh yes, we're Sully.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Why Sully bursts into the classroom and everyone cheers into
like Sanda grumble.
Speaker 5 (08:23):
Me so much for.
Speaker 9 (08:25):
That, Sully, you got to be the second coolest Santa
at Santa University.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I don't even go here.
Speaker 7 (08:32):
I'm just a regular die from Dorchester.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Everyone starts hooting and hollering.
Speaker 11 (08:40):
Wow out here shooting a yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Shoot the now Sully shoot.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
The noticing that Sully has recently gotten a BBL second amendment. Santa,
who oh yeah, is here as well, smiles in disbelief.
Speaker 11 (08:57):
It's like looking at the sun. It's over, well man.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Sully sits beside Dan Santa, where Gosen usually sits.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Have you seen go Santa, Sully. I haven't heard from
him since page three eighty six of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Sully looks around, then leans into Dan Santa and speaks
in a totally normal accent for one line only. It's
actually kind of British.
Speaker 7 (09:18):
I'm sorry, Dan Santa, I'm afraid I don't. It's possible
the roted just fugult about him.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
This never happens again. It's clear, though, that the BBL
is recent Sully is uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
This all, this doesn't feel right.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
He clutches his stomach again.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I feel strange.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Gal Santa straighten's in her seat, feeling a song coming on.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
No, please God, Dan Santa, don't sing.
Speaker 13 (09:43):
I have six more harpoons, so.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Help us, Dan Santa, if you start too late, Dan
Santa's already singing a classic Disney I want song, but
it's not about anything he wants. He just feels strange.
Speaker 16 (09:56):
I feel so strange. Nothing feels right. What is happening
to my wound? The blood won't stop gushy.
Speaker 11 (10:10):
And I just don't feel right anymore.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
The song is grating and features a number of key changes,
one of which is just out of Dan Santa's vocal
range on the high end, the other just out of
his range on the low end. It's fucking embarrassing. By
the end of the song, sixteen minutes later, everyone looks
pale and ill, and Dan Santa clutches his stomach again.
Speaker 11 (10:38):
Dan Santa, why don't you he throws.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Up, He's so bad, Professor Santa Pat's pool. Santa on
the back then tries a little bit of the vomit
and frowns as if to say that wasn't so bad.
Dan Santa hit the locker room. You shit, he'll see
you ugly runs from the room, mortified.
Speaker 16 (10:58):
It's only the fourth perst spade of Santa University and
things have already become too confusing to write out of.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
In the next forty.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Minutes, Interior Santa Bathroom. Fifteen minutes later, the other bathrooms
were closed and Dan Santa was banned from using the
other one due to something explained in pages two fourteen
to two eighty nine of Santa University. Dan Santa enters
a bathroom almost doubled over in pain. He stands before
a stall that says beware toilet goblin within.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
What's up, Dan Santa? Please enter?
Speaker 1 (11:28):
That's what he thinks the sign says. Dan Santa closes
the stall door behind him and sits on a Santa toilet,
a normal dirty toilet with a little hat on it.
A familiar voice can be heard stage whispering from the
stall next door.
Speaker 17 (11:43):
Shh yo, low key. You just wait a few minutes
and he'll leave you fee me. Oh, come on, I
cannot get into another conversation with.
Speaker 11 (11:55):
This fool over here, with this piece of shit. Have
you seen him?
Speaker 7 (11:59):
I've never seen Dan Santa.
Speaker 11 (12:00):
It's hard to see from the gloriole. Lo KEI come on,
he's gonna want to talk to.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Us in the gloryhole.
Speaker 7 (12:07):
I mostly taste.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Is that you head ass Santa? That's you?
Speaker 11 (12:11):
God damn it taste come.
Speaker 4 (12:15):
Head?
Speaker 1 (12:16):
As Santa tries to pitch his voice up to disguise
who he actually.
Speaker 11 (12:19):
Is, who's head ass Santa?
Speaker 9 (12:22):
This is uh locate too many DVD's, Santa.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Look, I don't mean to bother you while you're in
the bathroom.
Speaker 11 (12:32):
Okay, it's all good. He's in the gloriole, he can multitask.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Are you guys feeling strange too?
Speaker 9 (12:41):
I've been feeling sick all morning, bro, Seriously, did you
look in the mirror?
Speaker 6 (12:47):
No?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
No, no, No, that's too much.
Speaker 9 (12:48):
Look, there have been people coming in and feeling sick
all day. There's some low key like dead ass, some
mysterious plot illness going on.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Dan Santa Sai's the toilet fully clothed, mostly because he
is a fool, but also because the studio made me
swear on my life I would never show Dan Santa
without his clothes off.
Speaker 9 (13:07):
Is that why you you gonna visit the toilet goblin.
Speaker 11 (13:11):
Who's the toilet goblin?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Didn't you read this? Oh?
Speaker 11 (13:15):
I see what happened here too late?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
The toilet Goblin emerges from the toilet. Dan Santa sitting
on pregnant.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Who are you keep up, Dan Santa? The toilet goblin
just told you you pregnant?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
What Dan Santa feels a pain in his stomach again,
his eyes widen.
Speaker 16 (13:38):
Oh my freaking gosh, I'm pregnant.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I hope you weren't getting too attached to the toilet goblin,
because that's the last time you'll see them. Interior Gal
Santa's dorm. Later, Intellect Santa and Gal Santa look at
Dan Santa with disgust. Intellect pulls a thermometer from beneath
his armpit.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
I had to come to tell you right away, Gal, Greg.
I'm sorry, Greg.
Speaker 4 (14:18):
That takes me back. Okay, sorry, what do I care?
I've never touched you and have no plans to.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Dan Santo does what he thinks is a flirtatious blink,
but it looks like he's being attacked by parrots.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
How is this possible? Intellect, No one in their right
mind would ever get Dan Santa prank.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Gent Intellect Santa pages threw some notes.
Speaker 5 (14:40):
It would appear that sometime between pages four hundred and
five hundred of Santa University being written, America has sunken
deeper and deeper into fascism and rolled back reproductive rights,
which has led to an unusual amount of media fear
around pregnancy and horny pregnancy content in general.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Meaning that the writer of Santa University might just know
it's too stupid.
Speaker 5 (15:01):
I'm afraid so the writer to Sandy University might panic
and write a twelve page sequence in which the protagonist
at Sandy University gets pregnant along with half of the
school in mysterious and unexplainable circumstances.
Speaker 11 (15:14):
She in the immaculate Sant eception.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
He high fives himself.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Huh sounds boring.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
May I have a kiss now?
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Oh, pregnant Santa? Remember her from last year? I genuinely didn't,
but I'm relieved she's here pregnant. Santa enters pregnantly with
a very flustered second amendment, Santa.
Speaker 8 (15:39):
Gail, Santa, we wanted to tell you first we're pregnant.
Speaker 4 (15:43):
Why is everyone telling me you.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Two had an immaculate Santa conception as well?
Speaker 10 (15:49):
What Oh no, we fucked.
Speaker 11 (15:52):
I'm not safely.
Speaker 10 (15:54):
It's honestly shocking. We didn't get pregnant. Sooner.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Sully passes with his BBL, looking very uncomfortable. He peers
into the room.
Speaker 7 (16:05):
Why is that everyone? I got some news.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Everyone looks at It's huge, but it's grown a lot.
It's silly.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
Are you pregnant?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Go bruid?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Pregnant Santa, Second Amendment Santa, Sully, Gal Santa, Cool Santa,
and intellect Santa smile and congratulate each other.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
This is so exciting.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
They all looked at Dan Santa in disgusted.
Speaker 11 (16:33):
Don't you dare have that baby? Dance, Santa? It will
unleash hell upon the world.
Speaker 7 (16:38):
Oh aren't you noved?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
I lost the accent.
Speaker 7 (16:51):
No one's ever no one's ever lived at Santa University
long enough to have a Santa baby.
Speaker 11 (16:58):
Will our baby be a gun?
Speaker 7 (17:01):
Well, that's not really what I was saying.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Too late. A song has already begun. It's a duet
between Pregnant Santa and Second Amendment Santa, the third punishing
ballad of the Cursed Pages. Sully has a verse in
the middle about his fear of giving butt birth song
Will my baby be a gun.
Speaker 8 (17:21):
Well, we got pregnant. There's joking here about safeties and
condoms because I'm Second Amendment saying, uh, that's that's what
I got. That's that's the intro to the song.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
And then am I gonna give birth out of my ass?
Speaker 6 (17:38):
You know?
Speaker 8 (17:42):
And will the baby be a gun?
Speaker 1 (17:44):
YadA YadA, great job, okay. Interior Interior The Asylum. James
Camer's mouth is covered in vomit as Jamie looks away
in shame. More beautiful than ever, And I should be mentioned.
Speaker 12 (17:57):
Is that it I can't bear anymore. I'm afraid not James, Please, No,
just to say those.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
They say The Inevitable in Unison, a.
Speaker 6 (18:06):
Scene where multiple characters from Sandy University give birth in Unison.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Yes, but there's another song, Chris, and it's just awful.
Interior The Santa Ward. Months later, there's only ten minutes
left to write Santa University, Dan, Santa's in a hospital bed, howling.
However you think a person looks about to give birth,
I've ever seen it, and I didn't get sex out
at school. I sort of saw my friend give birth
over FaceTime this year, but I had other tabs open,
(18:33):
So it's impossible to.
Speaker 12 (18:36):
Like.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Oh my freaking god, I'm in labor.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Shut the hell up, Dan Santa ours whereas I should be.
Santa restrains Dan Santa while preparing for the birth, which
is maybe the first logical use of as many arms
I've come up with in nine years. Second Amendment. Santa
and pregnant Santa run into the room.
Speaker 11 (18:53):
Pregnant Santa's in labor too.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Pregnant Santa sits on one of the beds, pretty relaxed.
Speaker 10 (18:58):
It's not a big deal for me. Bring pregnant is
all my character is written to do.
Speaker 7 (19:01):
Sully's back was up.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Sully and his fit to burst cheeks enter the first
word concerned gallon intellect, doctor, Please, Sully's baby is.
Speaker 7 (19:16):
Coming fast, Go Celtic.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
How dare you?
Speaker 5 (19:20):
Jamie?
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Ye okay, you guys, I don't.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
Care belief for one second. I'm pregnant and what the
freaking hell.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Sully falls to his hands and knees as his left
buttche bursts open.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
God, Santa, we.
Speaker 4 (19:42):
Thought the writer had just forgotten you.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
It's true. God Santa has burst out of Sully's butt
cheeks and embraces his father from Boston. Sully is emotional.
Speaker 11 (19:54):
What's up son?
Speaker 4 (19:57):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
God Santa, still covered in birth, kisses Sally on the
lips and run and runs to Dan Santa's side.
Speaker 7 (20:04):
Dan Santa, you're pregnant.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I'm immaculately santaception.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
God Santa thinks about it than nods.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
I wasn't gonna say anything, but that makes more sense.
Speaker 6 (20:18):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
He collapses in sam Adam's pain again as intellect Santa rushes.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
To his side.
Speaker 5 (20:25):
There's a second baby.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
Dean Santa, my father, and the dean of Santa University.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Gal Santa, my daughter and the love interest of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Arms are as I should be. Santa shakes his head,
enjoyed disbelief.
Speaker 13 (20:43):
She did it, That son of a bitch. Jamie Loftus
did it writing in both Jack O'Brien characters with just
minutes ago, Come here, Gal.
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
It's coming second of him. In Santa rush is to
pregnant Santa side.
Speaker 8 (20:59):
It's want to be a gun? I know it to
please just say it's a gun.
Speaker 10 (21:03):
It's it's.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Dan Santa grabs God Santa's arm as he experiences labor pain.
Whatever that looks like again, I had other tabs open.
Dan Santa enters birth psychosis as he and pregnant Santa
give birth in unison. There should be a song here,
but there's no time. If something speaks to you, feel free.
Second Amendment. Santa holds this baby in confusion.
Speaker 10 (21:27):
Was it a gun?
Speaker 11 (21:28):
No, it's a book.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
He shows pregnant Santa the book, which is the opposite
of a gun if you're gender essentialist. Dan Santa gives
birth and God Santa cuts the umbilical cord with his teeth.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Oh, I can't look it. It looks like shit. Huh
does it look like shit?
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Everyone in the room is completely stunned, not even close.
This is the most beautiful baby anyone has ever seen.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Good God, she's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
The baby squirms out of Gothsanta's arms and reaches for
the book.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Baby, it couldn't be.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
That sexy little baby.
Speaker 11 (22:09):
She's gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Dan Santa's baby goes to the book and starts to read.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
And Gibraltar as a girl, where I was a flower
of the mountain. Yes, when I put the rose in
my hair like the Andalusian girls used, or shall I
wear a red yes? And how we kissed me under
the Moorish wall, And I thought well as well him
as another. And then I asked him with my eyes
(22:34):
to ask again yes. And then he asked me, would
I yes, to say yes, my mountain flower. And first
I put my arms around him yes, and drew him
down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume. Yes,
and his heart was going like mad, and yes, I
said yes, I will, yes, yes, yeah.
Speaker 13 (22:59):
Yo be me.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I have to say. I googled beautiful poetry and I
did not realize how sexual that bomb. God Dan Santa
is in tears, reaching for the baby. God Santa brings
it to him and Dan smiles. The baby is born.
The baby will heal all. Alternatively, the baby sees Dan
Santa and throws up the interior at the asylum. Jamie
(23:24):
puts down the last of the cursed pages of Santa University,
reflecting on how nine years in the premises are still
getting worse. At least last year she was willing to
put in the effort to rip off lost, but the
fuck was this. She's too ashamed to meet James Cameron's eyes.
That's it, That's why I'm here. A long pause, no answer.
She looks up to see that James Cameron has taken
(23:46):
a cyanide pill.
Speaker 6 (23:48):
I guess it's just another years.
Speaker 11 (24:05):
Amazing.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
We did it.
Speaker 12 (24:19):
All right, Brian the editor here, and if you made
it this far, we'd like to extend our sincerest apologies
and we'll see if we can do better next year,
although I wouldn't count on it. Happy holidays, and we'll
be back tomorrow with a brand new special holiday episode,
and we'll see you in the new year.
Welcome to Santa University nine. My name is Jamie Loftus.
I actually did. If you're returning to Santa University for
a ninth year, please seek professional help. If this is
your first time joining us, best of luck. I think
it's pretty intuitive and should make a lot of sense.
Santi University is part of an unproduced project I've been
(00:29):
working on since twenty twelve, the six hundred page script,
and I kind of just yank out fifteen pages a
year or so. We take a look at at what
it is, and we've been doing it for nine years now,
so I've actually written about two hundred pages of Santi University.
Let's not talk about it. Let's get into the cast
of Santa University nine, the Cursed Pages.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Miles Gray and I'll be playing Gan Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
I'll be playing Dean Santa, Goth Santa, and Baby Santa.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
I'm on a host name and I will be playing
Gal Santa.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
I'm Sophia Lick Drumman and I'll be playing Intellect Santa.
Speaker 6 (01:04):
I'm Joel and I have the honor of playing Jamie
and Professor Santa.
Speaker 7 (01:08):
My name is Caitlin Derante. And I'm playing solely Whizz.
Speaker 8 (01:13):
I'm Robert Evans, and in a rare case of casting
against type, I will be playing Second Amendment Santa.
Speaker 9 (01:19):
Yo, low key, what's up, Squad? This is Prop I'll
be playing a head ass Santa.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
This is Victor. I'll be playing the toilet Goblin.
Speaker 10 (01:28):
I'm Bee and I'll be playing pregnant Santa.
Speaker 11 (01:31):
I'm justin. I'll be playing cool Santa.
Speaker 12 (01:33):
I'm Brian the Editor and I'm playing James Cameron.
Speaker 13 (01:37):
I'm Ian Johnson reading as arms where his eyes should
be Santa.
Speaker 14 (01:40):
I'm Catherine Law and I'm playing traum a nurse. I'm
Molly Conger and I'm thrilled to be joining the cast
of Santa University this year as Glory Hole Santa.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
An important part, a crucial role. Ball guys, let's get
into it. Interior via asylum, massive sprawling stone asylum like
the one in Shutter Island. Remember Shutter Island. The twist
is that the DiCaprio character was a patient at the asylum.
(02:13):
You've had twenty years to watch it. Remember when the
old lady said sh in the trailer for Shutter Island,
please stop listening to this and co watch Shutter Island instead, anyways.
James Cameron, who did not direct Shutter Island and couldn't
see Martin Scorsese with the hubble fucking telescope, stands before
(02:37):
the asylum as it begins to rain in a mentally
ill fashion. He holds a large binder containing what should
be a copy of Santa University, but the production's printer
broke the morning of the shoot, and so the script
has been replaced with a stack of receipts colored in
either dried blood or ragusauce. James hamra howls at the door,
(03:02):
Big Doball, I knew this was good casting. Okay. The
trauma nurse answers at the massive stone door.
Speaker 14 (03:12):
Yes, James Cameron. The password to the asylum is pickleball. Now,
what are your wishes?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Three? James Cameron, not understanding that trauma nurses could grant
three wishes but can never bring someone back to life.
Speaker 15 (03:26):
I wish that Avatar Fire and Ash to be the
third best Avatar movie.
Speaker 11 (03:32):
I think this is what he sounds like.
Speaker 15 (03:33):
I wish to get invited to Seth MacFarlane's Christmas party
instead of all those twenty year old women I hear that,
and I wish to see your patient. The writer of
Sanna University.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
The trauma nurs pinches James Cameron's little butt. He laughs
and gets a playful boner interior asylum. The next day,
James Cameron awakes in the trauma nurse's bed, still reeling
from the sexual experience of the night before. Jamie will
under stand the traumters leads him out of her chambers
and to where the patients are.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Oh huh, how bad is it?
Speaker 14 (04:05):
Will she be okay, it's not looking good, mister Cameron.
Speaker 15 (04:09):
Please, after last night, you can call me James.
Speaker 14 (04:11):
Jamie Loftus, the writer of Santa University, has proven herself
to be so mentally ill that we had to reopen
this asylum.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Quote old school end quote. You know what we mean.
She opens another large stone door and reveals Jamie haggard
and miserable. Over thirty now. She shivers behind a set
of little bars with the little phone thing. Because I
realized halfway through that I did not set this in jail.
I set it in an asylum. I'll leave you to alone,
(04:40):
James Cameron yelps as the door shuts.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Wait, could I have your email so we can James.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Cameron must not be as good at sex as he thought.
I didn't think you were coming.
Speaker 12 (04:52):
I did a lot, and that's why I'm confused as
to why she doesn't want my email.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
I need you to get me out, James Cameron. I
don't belong here?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
What happened?
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Jamie frowns, page five fifty to five sixty two of
Santa University. She starts to sing a soft ballad sort
of like I dreamed a Dream. The song is called
will I Ever Be Free from Santa University?
Speaker 6 (05:18):
Will ever be Free from Santa University? No, I'm gonna
die here? Dah dah dead.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Everyone's cheering. A gust of wind blows through the chambers
as the magic of Santa University pierces the world once more.
Santa University the six hundred page unproduced musical about a
university full of Santa's, where forty thousand Santa's a role
each year, but only one survives that has leaked out
installment by installment for nearly a decade. Santa University. Who
(05:52):
one other person on Twitter thinks of the idea for
every year, and then another person is like, oh, Jamie
Loftus does something like that it's called Santa University, and
the Twitter user inevitably replies, I don't know who that is.
The receipts that are supposed to be the pages of
the script to Santa University lift into the air and
we are thrown into Santa University. Nine The Cursed Pages
(06:17):
Interior Jingle Class Day. It's page five hundred and fifty
of Santa University, the first of the twelve cursed pages
of Santa University. I wonder if I will actually make
it to twelve pages. I only have sixty eight minutes
to finish this.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Quit all right, Santas, Let's jingle those bells.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
It's another day in jingle class, and all the characters
we half remember from years past, and inevitably one I'm
going to forget and accidentally hurt someone's feelings. There's Dan,
Santa Gal, Santa Cool, Santa Intellect, Santa Second Amendment, Santa Hell.
There's even arms where his eyes should be Santa.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Ah, jingle, A bell won't ring.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
He clutches as Santa stomach delegately.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
And I don't feel so good.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Arms were his eyes should be Santa uses the arm
where most people's right I would be to shoot him
with a harpoon.
Speaker 13 (07:03):
Shut the hell up, Dan Santa, you would have died
four hundred pages ago if you weren't the protagonist of
Santa University.
Speaker 7 (07:09):
Plus you look like shot.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
All the other Santa's in the room, especially the teacher,
really make a meal of bringing it home and really
good guys. Dan Santa turns to where he thinks Goth Santa,
his roommate at Santa University, who will survive until close
to the end of the movie.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Not quite is ah Jingle God Santa be shot?
Speaker 1 (07:31):
He frowns, Where is God Santa?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Where's God Santa?
Speaker 1 (07:35):
A few students think about shooting Dan Santa with another harpoon,
but harpoons are expensive, so they ignore him. Instead. Into
Alexanta jingles her bell effortlessly.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
If the writer at any sense, she'd make a woman
the protagonist of Santa University, good one in Alexanta. And
that's the Bechdel test. Let's move on.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Are we missing a student goal Santa's eyes widened?
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Wait did the Bechdel test just get passed from a
third character?
Speaker 1 (08:02):
My name is Professor Santa. By the way, it.
Speaker 5 (08:06):
Took until page five hundred and fifty one of the
screenplay at Sandy University, but this might actually be it.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Oh yes, we're Sully.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Why Sully bursts into the classroom and everyone cheers into
like Sanda grumble.
Speaker 5 (08:23):
Me so much for.
Speaker 9 (08:25):
That, Sully, you got to be the second coolest Santa
at Santa University.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I don't even go here.
Speaker 7 (08:32):
I'm just a regular die from Dorchester.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Everyone starts hooting and hollering.
Speaker 11 (08:40):
Wow out here shooting a yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Shoot the now Sully shoot.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
The noticing that Sully has recently gotten a BBL second amendment. Santa,
who oh yeah, is here as well, smiles in disbelief.
Speaker 11 (08:57):
It's like looking at the sun. It's over, well man.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Sully sits beside Dan Santa, where Gosen usually sits.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Have you seen go Santa, Sully. I haven't heard from
him since page three eighty six of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Sully looks around, then leans into Dan Santa and speaks
in a totally normal accent for one line only. It's
actually kind of British.
Speaker 7 (09:18):
I'm sorry, Dan Santa, I'm afraid I don't. It's possible
the roted just fugult about him.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
This never happens again. It's clear, though, that the BBL
is recent Sully is uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
This all, this doesn't feel right.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
He clutches his stomach again.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I feel strange.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Gal Santa straighten's in her seat, feeling a song coming on.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
No, please God, Dan Santa, don't sing.
Speaker 13 (09:43):
I have six more harpoons, so.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Help us, Dan Santa, if you start too late, Dan
Santa's already singing a classic Disney I want song, but
it's not about anything he wants. He just feels strange.
Speaker 16 (09:56):
I feel so strange. Nothing feels right. What is happening
to my wound? The blood won't stop gushy.
Speaker 11 (10:10):
And I just don't feel right anymore.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
The song is grating and features a number of key changes,
one of which is just out of Dan Santa's vocal
range on the high end, the other just out of
his range on the low end. It's fucking embarrassing. By
the end of the song, sixteen minutes later, everyone looks
pale and ill, and Dan Santa clutches his stomach again.
Speaker 11 (10:38):
Dan Santa, why don't you he throws.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Up, He's so bad, Professor Santa Pat's pool. Santa on
the back then tries a little bit of the vomit
and frowns as if to say that wasn't so bad.
Dan Santa hit the locker room. You shit, he'll see
you ugly runs from the room, mortified.
Speaker 16 (10:58):
It's only the fourth perst spade of Santa University and
things have already become too confusing to write out of.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
In the next forty.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Minutes, Interior Santa Bathroom. Fifteen minutes later, the other bathrooms
were closed and Dan Santa was banned from using the
other one due to something explained in pages two fourteen
to two eighty nine of Santa University. Dan Santa enters
a bathroom almost doubled over in pain. He stands before
a stall that says beware toilet goblin within.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
What's up, Dan Santa? Please enter?
Speaker 1 (11:28):
That's what he thinks the sign says. Dan Santa closes
the stall door behind him and sits on a Santa toilet,
a normal dirty toilet with a little hat on it.
A familiar voice can be heard stage whispering from the
stall next door.
Speaker 17 (11:43):
Shh yo, low key. You just wait a few minutes
and he'll leave you fee me. Oh, come on, I
cannot get into another conversation with.
Speaker 11 (11:55):
This fool over here, with this piece of shit. Have
you seen him?
Speaker 7 (11:59):
I've never seen Dan Santa.
Speaker 11 (12:00):
It's hard to see from the gloriole. Lo KEI come on,
he's gonna want to talk to.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Us in the gloryhole.
Speaker 7 (12:07):
I mostly taste.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Is that you head ass Santa? That's you?
Speaker 11 (12:11):
God damn it taste come.
Speaker 4 (12:15):
Head?
Speaker 1 (12:16):
As Santa tries to pitch his voice up to disguise
who he actually.
Speaker 11 (12:19):
Is, who's head ass Santa?
Speaker 9 (12:22):
This is uh locate too many DVD's, Santa.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Look, I don't mean to bother you while you're in
the bathroom.
Speaker 11 (12:32):
Okay, it's all good. He's in the gloriole, he can multitask.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Are you guys feeling strange too?
Speaker 9 (12:41):
I've been feeling sick all morning, bro, Seriously, did you
look in the mirror?
Speaker 6 (12:47):
No?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
No, no, No, that's too much.
Speaker 9 (12:48):
Look, there have been people coming in and feeling sick
all day. There's some low key like dead ass, some
mysterious plot illness going on.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Dan Santa Sai's the toilet fully clothed, mostly because he
is a fool, but also because the studio made me
swear on my life I would never show Dan Santa
without his clothes off.
Speaker 9 (13:07):
Is that why you you gonna visit the toilet goblin.
Speaker 11 (13:11):
Who's the toilet goblin?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Didn't you read this? Oh?
Speaker 11 (13:15):
I see what happened here too late?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
The toilet Goblin emerges from the toilet. Dan Santa sitting
on pregnant.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Who are you keep up, Dan Santa? The toilet goblin
just told you you pregnant?
Speaker 1 (13:33):
What Dan Santa feels a pain in his stomach again,
his eyes widen.
Speaker 16 (13:38):
Oh my freaking gosh, I'm pregnant.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
I hope you weren't getting too attached to the toilet goblin,
because that's the last time you'll see them. Interior Gal
Santa's dorm. Later, Intellect Santa and Gal Santa look at
Dan Santa with disgust. Intellect pulls a thermometer from beneath
his armpit.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
I had to come to tell you right away, Gal, Greg.
I'm sorry, Greg.
Speaker 4 (14:18):
That takes me back. Okay, sorry, what do I care?
I've never touched you and have no plans to.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Dan Santo does what he thinks is a flirtatious blink,
but it looks like he's being attacked by parrots.
Speaker 4 (14:31):
How is this possible? Intellect, No one in their right
mind would ever get Dan Santa prank.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Gent Intellect Santa pages threw some notes.
Speaker 5 (14:40):
It would appear that sometime between pages four hundred and
five hundred of Santa University being written, America has sunken
deeper and deeper into fascism and rolled back reproductive rights,
which has led to an unusual amount of media fear
around pregnancy and horny pregnancy content in general.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Meaning that the writer of Santa University might just know
it's too stupid.
Speaker 5 (15:01):
I'm afraid so the writer to Sandy University might panic
and write a twelve page sequence in which the protagonist
at Sandy University gets pregnant along with half of the
school in mysterious and unexplainable circumstances.
Speaker 11 (15:14):
She in the immaculate Sant eception.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
He high fives himself.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Huh sounds boring.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
May I have a kiss now?
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Oh, pregnant Santa? Remember her from last year? I genuinely didn't,
but I'm relieved she's here pregnant. Santa enters pregnantly with
a very flustered second amendment, Santa.
Speaker 8 (15:39):
Gail, Santa, we wanted to tell you first we're pregnant.
Speaker 4 (15:43):
Why is everyone telling me you.
Speaker 5 (15:45):
Two had an immaculate Santa conception as well?
Speaker 10 (15:49):
What Oh no, we fucked.
Speaker 11 (15:52):
I'm not safely.
Speaker 10 (15:54):
It's honestly shocking. We didn't get pregnant. Sooner.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Sully passes with his BBL, looking very uncomfortable. He peers
into the room.
Speaker 7 (16:05):
Why is that everyone? I got some news.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Everyone looks at It's huge, but it's grown a lot.
It's silly.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
Are you pregnant?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Go bruid?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Pregnant Santa, Second Amendment Santa, Sully, Gal Santa, Cool Santa,
and intellect Santa smile and congratulate each other.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
This is so exciting.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
They all looked at Dan Santa in disgusted.
Speaker 11 (16:33):
Don't you dare have that baby? Dance, Santa? It will
unleash hell upon the world.
Speaker 7 (16:38):
Oh aren't you noved?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
I lost the accent.
Speaker 7 (16:51):
No one's ever no one's ever lived at Santa University
long enough to have a Santa baby.
Speaker 11 (16:58):
Will our baby be a gun?
Speaker 7 (17:01):
Well, that's not really what I was saying.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Too late. A song has already begun. It's a duet
between Pregnant Santa and Second Amendment Santa, the third punishing
ballad of the Cursed Pages. Sully has a verse in
the middle about his fear of giving butt birth song
Will my baby be a gun.
Speaker 8 (17:21):
Well, we got pregnant. There's joking here about safeties and
condoms because I'm Second Amendment saying, uh, that's that's what
I got. That's that's the intro to the song.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
And then am I gonna give birth out of my ass?
Speaker 6 (17:38):
You know?
Speaker 8 (17:42):
And will the baby be a gun?
Speaker 1 (17:44):
YadA YadA, great job, okay. Interior Interior The Asylum. James
Camer's mouth is covered in vomit as Jamie looks away
in shame. More beautiful than ever, And I should be mentioned.
Speaker 12 (17:57):
Is that it I can't bear anymore. I'm afraid not James, Please, No,
just to say those.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
They say The Inevitable in Unison, a.
Speaker 6 (18:06):
Scene where multiple characters from Sandy University give birth in Unison.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Yes, but there's another song, Chris, and it's just awful.
Interior The Santa Ward. Months later, there's only ten minutes
left to write Santa University, Dan, Santa's in a hospital bed, howling.
However you think a person looks about to give birth,
I've ever seen it, and I didn't get sex out
at school. I sort of saw my friend give birth
over FaceTime this year, but I had other tabs open,
(18:33):
So it's impossible to.
Speaker 12 (18:36):
Like.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Oh my freaking god, I'm in labor.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Shut the hell up, Dan Santa ours whereas I should be.
Santa restrains Dan Santa while preparing for the birth, which
is maybe the first logical use of as many arms
I've come up with in nine years. Second Amendment. Santa
and pregnant Santa run into the room.
Speaker 11 (18:53):
Pregnant Santa's in labor too.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Pregnant Santa sits on one of the beds, pretty relaxed.
Speaker 10 (18:58):
It's not a big deal for me. Bring pregnant is
all my character is written to do.
Speaker 7 (19:01):
Sully's back was up.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Sully and his fit to burst cheeks enter the first
word concerned gallon intellect, doctor, Please, Sully's baby is.
Speaker 7 (19:16):
Coming fast, Go Celtic.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
How dare you?
Speaker 5 (19:20):
Jamie?
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Ye okay, you guys, I don't.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
Care belief for one second. I'm pregnant and what the
freaking hell.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
Sully falls to his hands and knees as his left
buttche bursts open.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
God, Santa, we.
Speaker 4 (19:42):
Thought the writer had just forgotten you.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
It's true. God Santa has burst out of Sully's butt
cheeks and embraces his father from Boston. Sully is emotional.
Speaker 11 (19:54):
What's up son?
Speaker 4 (19:57):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
God Santa, still covered in birth, kisses Sally on the
lips and run and runs to Dan Santa's side.
Speaker 7 (20:04):
Dan Santa, you're pregnant.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I'm immaculately santaception.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
God Santa thinks about it than nods.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
I wasn't gonna say anything, but that makes more sense.
Speaker 6 (20:18):
Ah.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
He collapses in sam Adam's pain again as intellect Santa rushes.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
To his side.
Speaker 5 (20:25):
There's a second baby.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
Dean Santa, my father, and the dean of Santa University.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Gal Santa, my daughter and the love interest of Santa University.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Arms are as I should be. Santa shakes his head,
enjoyed disbelief.
Speaker 13 (20:43):
She did it, That son of a bitch. Jamie Loftus
did it writing in both Jack O'Brien characters with just
minutes ago, Come here, Gal.
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
It's coming second of him. In Santa rush is to
pregnant Santa side.
Speaker 8 (20:59):
It's want to be a gun? I know it to
please just say it's a gun.
Speaker 10 (21:03):
It's it's.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Dan Santa grabs God Santa's arm as he experiences labor pain.
Whatever that looks like again, I had other tabs open.
Dan Santa enters birth psychosis as he and pregnant Santa
give birth in unison. There should be a song here,
but there's no time. If something speaks to you, feel free.
Second Amendment. Santa holds this baby in confusion.
Speaker 10 (21:27):
Was it a gun?
Speaker 11 (21:28):
No, it's a book.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
He shows pregnant Santa the book, which is the opposite
of a gun if you're gender essentialist. Dan Santa gives
birth and God Santa cuts the umbilical cord with his teeth.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Oh, I can't look it. It looks like shit. Huh
does it look like shit?
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Everyone in the room is completely stunned, not even close.
This is the most beautiful baby anyone has ever seen.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Good God, she's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
The baby squirms out of Gothsanta's arms and reaches for
the book.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Baby, it couldn't be.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
That sexy little baby.
Speaker 11 (22:09):
She's gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Dan Santa's baby goes to the book and starts to read.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
And Gibraltar as a girl, where I was a flower
of the mountain. Yes, when I put the rose in
my hair like the Andalusian girls used, or shall I
wear a red yes? And how we kissed me under
the Moorish wall, And I thought well as well him
as another. And then I asked him with my eyes
(22:34):
to ask again yes. And then he asked me, would
I yes, to say yes, my mountain flower. And first
I put my arms around him yes, and drew him
down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume. Yes,
and his heart was going like mad, and yes, I
said yes, I will, yes, yes, yeah.
Speaker 13 (22:59):
Yo be me.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I have to say. I googled beautiful poetry and I
did not realize how sexual that bomb. God Dan Santa
is in tears, reaching for the baby. God Santa brings
it to him and Dan smiles. The baby is born.
The baby will heal all. Alternatively, the baby sees Dan
Santa and throws up the interior at the asylum. Jamie
(23:24):
puts down the last of the cursed pages of Santa University,
reflecting on how nine years in the premises are still
getting worse. At least last year she was willing to
put in the effort to rip off lost, but the
fuck was this. She's too ashamed to meet James Cameron's eyes.
That's it, That's why I'm here. A long pause, no answer.
She looks up to see that James Cameron has taken
(23:46):
a cyanide pill.
Speaker 6 (23:48):
I guess it's just another years.
Speaker 11 (24:05):
Amazing.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
We did it.
Speaker 12 (24:19):
All right, Brian the editor here, and if you made
it this far, we'd like to extend our sincerest apologies
and we'll see if we can do better next year,
although I wouldn't count on it. Happy holidays, and we'll
be back tomorrow with a brand new special holiday episode,
and we'll see you in the new year.
The Daily Zeitgeist News
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Jack O'Brien
Miles Gray
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The Burden
The Burden is a documentary series that takes listeners into the hidden places where justice is done (and undone). It dives deep into the lives of heroes and villains. And it focuses a spotlight on those who triumph even when the odds are against them. Season 5 - The Burden: Death & Deceit in Alliance On April Fools Day 1999, 26-year-old Yvonne Layne was found murdered in her Alliance, Ohio home. David Thorne, her ex-boyfriend and father of one of her children, was instantly a suspect. Another young man admitted to the murder, and David breathed a sigh of relief, until the confessed murderer fingered David; “He paid me to do it.” David was sentenced to life without parole. Two decades later, Pulitzer winner and podcast host, Maggie Freleng (Bone Valley Season 3: Graves County, Wrongful Conviction, Suave) launched a “live” investigation into David's conviction alongside Jason Baldwin (himself wrongfully convicted as a member of the West Memphis Three). Maggie had come to believe that the entire investigation of David was botched by the tiny local police department, or worse, covered up the real killer. Was Maggie correct? Was David’s claim of innocence credible? In Death and Deceit in Alliance, Maggie recounts the case that launched her career, and ultimately, “broke” her.” The results will shock the listener and reduce Maggie to tears and self-doubt. This is not your typical wrongful conviction story. In fact, it turns the genre on its head. It asks the question: What if our champions are foolish? Season 4 - The Burden: Get the Money and Run “Trying to murder my father, this was the thing that put me on the path.” That’s Joe Loya and that path was bank robbery. Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank. In season 4 of The Burden: Get the Money and Run, we hear from Joe who was once the most prolific bank robber in Southern California, and beyond. He used disguises, body doubles, proxies. He leaped over counters, grabbed the money and ran. Even as the FBI was closing in. It was a showdown between a daring bank robber, and a patient FBI agent. Joe was no ordinary bank robber. He was bright, articulate, charismatic, and driven by a dark rage that he summoned up at will. In seven episodes, Joe tells all: the what, the how… and the why. Including why he tried to murder his father. Season 3 - The Burden: Avenger Miriam Lewin is one of Argentina’s leading journalists today. At 19 years old, she was kidnapped off the streets of Buenos Aires for her political activism and thrown into a concentration camp. Thousands of her fellow inmates were executed, tossed alive from a cargo plane into the ocean. Miriam, along with a handful of others, will survive the camp. Then as a journalist, she will wage a decades long campaign to bring her tormentors to justice. Avenger is about one woman’s triumphant battle against unbelievable odds to survive torture, claim justice for the crimes done against her and others like her, and change the future of her country. Season 2 - The Burden: Empire on Blood Empire on Blood is set in the Bronx, NY, in the early 90s, when two young drug dealers ruled an intersection known as “The Corner on Blood.” The boss, Calvin Buari, lived large. He and a protege swore they would build an empire on blood. Then the relationship frayed and the protege accused Calvin of a double homicide which he claimed he didn’t do. But did he? Award-winning journalist Steve Fishman spent seven years to answer that question. This is the story of one man’s last chance to overturn his life sentence. He may prevail, but someone’s gotta pay. The Burden: Empire on Blood is the director’s cut of the true crime classic which reached #1 on the charts when it was first released half a dozen years ago. Season 1 - The Burden In the 1990s, Detective Louis N. Scarcella was legendary. In a city overrun by violent crime, he cracked the toughest cases and put away the worst criminals. “The Hulk” was his nickname. Then the story changed. Scarcella ran into a group of convicted murderers who all say they are innocent. They turned themselves into jailhouse-lawyers and in prison founded a lway firm. When they realized Scarcella helped put many of them away, they set their sights on taking him down. And with the help of a NY Times reporter they have a chance. For years, Scarcella insisted he did nothing wrong. But that’s all he’d say. Until we tracked Scarcella to a sauna in a Russian bathhouse, where he started to talk..and talk and talk. “The guilty have gone free,” he whispered. And then agreed to take us into the belly of the beast. Welcome to The Burden.