Cabin Fever

After multiple weeks of being quarantined with their significant others, Becca and Tanya call in an expert for advice on how to make sure your relationship survives. Dr. Viviana Coles from “Married at First Sight” helps everyone who has lost their passion, including advice for a Scrubber with a very intimate problem.

 

Tanya lets us know how quarantine is going with Red Star and Becca has a run-in with the police!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
And hey, you know, uh, if you haven't gotten you
scrubbing in merch yet, I do want to mention you
can still get it. That's at my fan threads dot
com slash scrubbing in. As want to make sure I
got that link right, my fan threads dot com slash
scrubbing in. There's gonna be a a link in the episode
description and a portion of all the merch sold is
going to go to help l U s D and
those in need. It's a great deal. Yeah, our merch

(00:23):
is off the chain, and everybody it's off the chart.
Everybody's and cozies right now can't really wear yeah, and
it's being donated to people in needs. So if you're
looking to get scrubbing in merch, now is the time.
The crop pink sweater with the scrubbing in down the
sleeve is so soft and it's like not too thick,

(00:47):
not too thin. It's truly the perfect sweatshirt if I
do say so myself. Um so go and check that out.
That's my fan threads dot com slash scrubbing in and
you will look so cute and cozy scrubbing in with
Beca Tilly and Tanya Brad and I Heart Radio and
two time People's Choice Award winning podcast Hello Everybody, It's

(01:12):
my day. It's Monday. Literally could have fooled me. See
Hi Euston, Hi, everybody is Monday. It's so funny because
I will say every day feels the same except for Monday.

(01:33):
Still feel like a Monday to me, Like I feel
the same lethargic feeling that I always feel on the Monday. Um.
You know what's interesting, the days actually don't feel the
same to me because since I'm still working, Like the
weekday still feels like the weekdays mm hmm. But the
weekends feel like the weekends. But it all feels very

(01:57):
similar in in a weird way, like quite put my
finger on it. But but I do have to say,
this weekend was like such a great weekend. Why was
it such a great weekend, Tanya, let me tell you
you something, because Red Star night got like a really

(02:19):
good night of Ship's Creek Marathon in so like we
got we I think, like normally when we watched TV,
we can't really watch too much TV because we end
up just like making out the whole time, you know,
like we're still in that phase of But this weekend
we got like a solid like seven eight episodes in
at one time, and that's the most we've ever done.

(02:40):
So it's like really proud of us for that. Wow.
And then we um we did like a picnic thing
like um, like a picnic at home situation where we
like put a blanket down and we like packed like
a bottle of wine and homemade crackers and things like that,

(03:02):
and we played cards and we played fun like getting
to know you games and it was just like such
a nice weekend. Tell us about those homemade crackers you've
you've made delicious? No, they did not. They looked so disgustedly.

(03:24):
It looked like, Okay, I don't know if anyone's ever
been to communion in like a Catholic church, but it's
like these like basically these white things they're crackers, but
they like dissolve in your mouth. You I'm like you thinking,
So I've been really into making my own almond milk
during this quarantine because I never realized how easy it is,
Like you guys, It's literally so easy and there's no

(03:46):
preservatives in it. So I'm like only going to make
almond milk on my own from now on. But you
get all this leftover pulp and so I'm like wanting
to try and figure out something to do with it.
And so siauslet mean this recipe of these crackers and
she's like, they basically taste like cheese. It's and I
was like, bomb, okay. So I'm making the first bat
and like they were like burnt and like not great.

(04:09):
But the second batch, I was like, oh, these are good.
Like I crushed it this time based on based on
how they looked or how they tasted. So do you
do you like season them at all? Or do you like,
how does that nutritional yeast? So basically the tradtional yeast

(04:32):
is like a vegans form of cheese. It's so good. Yeah,
it's so good. So we were eating them and like
he literally like he was eating them and he was like,
do you really think these are good or just like
good because they're healthy, And I was like, I think
they're bold, and he was like, because I can't tell
if I'm eating your crackers or a piece of cheery bark. Honestly,

(04:57):
I love Red Star because is just that is what
I think. How I think you process everything is like
you have a you've like mentally convinced yourself that it's
good because it's healthy, like it's good for you, so
therefore it tastes good, which is honestly, it's like a
superpower to each batch that I'm making, like I'm doing

(05:21):
so it's literally so easy to make, so I just
do it. Every time I make almond milk, each batch
is getting better and better. So the one I made
this morning is even better than the last. Um. But
I told him over the weekend that like me and
you always joke about how when we have kids, that
I'm going to be the house that has like the

(05:42):
almond pulp crackers, and like Becca's house is going to
be the house with like the oreos and the gritos
and stuff. My kids, my kids will never want to
go to your house. They'll be like, can they please
come over here? I know, I couldn't really figure out
where he landed on that, Like I couldn't l if
he was like ha ha, or like what's happy about that?

(06:05):
I can tell I think, yeah, I think, well, he's
already healthy, so I feel like he probably would just
like maybe a balance, maybe like a healthy cracker, but
maybe not almond pulp crackers, you know, right, right, right, right,
But I'm glad you all had a good weekend. I
saw photos and they looked really cute. It's so weird,

(06:27):
Like it's so weird because I'd almost be like starting
a relationship in quarantine is like so it just kind
of throws you into it real fast, you know what
I mean, Like yeah, yeah, I mean you really discover
if you like each other. It's a real like marriage
test run, you know. Yeah. Like it's weird because I

(06:48):
have been single for so long and I just kind
of wake up and I do what I want on
my own terms, and so I thought it would be
weird having him around all the time, but like I
actually really like it. And when he's not here, I'm like,
where's my buddy? I feel like when he's not there,
those are your down days. But when I talk to
you and he's there, you're all like, I'm great. But

(07:09):
when he's not, You're like what is life? I'm questioning everything,
Like I think it's less about the quarantine and more
about red starving around. It's so weird because I think
a lot of people are having like up and down days.
I'm trying to figure out like what mine correlate with

(07:29):
it always seems to do, Like when I have like
a big cleaning day, I always seem to get like
in my head about things. I I woke up this
morning and I've missed my I've missed my friends, and
I've missed like normalcy in my family and like traveling
and stuff. This whole time, like it's been in my head.
But today I woke up and I was just like

(07:50):
so frustrated that I couldn't just be like, hey, let's
hang out or let you know, it just like hit me.
I also started my period to day and I worked
I like can barely process thoughts right now because I
worked out so hard this morning. Wait, talk to me
about your period because I'm about to get mine. Two.
Does that mean we we've always been synced up? Hold on, Phoebe. Once,

(08:11):
I've moved the office into the closet for sound quality
and a Phoebe wanted in, but now she's wanting out.
There we go, Bye, Phoebe, she says, bye. Um. I
feel like we probably have times where we're seeing to
when we're not. I would imagine being friends for as

(08:32):
long as we have. There's gotta be some crossover somewhere.
Let me tell you. Yeah, but yeah, like when you're
when you're around each other though, so the fact that
we haven't been around each other that's kind of crazy. Yeah,
I like where your head's at. Yeah, but um yeah,

(08:56):
I it's been the week for my period is where
I'm really just like my most evil Honestly, I know
what I have to say, Like, I'm so proud of
you for just like I feel like you've been like
even keeled this entire time. Like I've been a freaking
roller coaster. I've been like up, down and around and
Becca has been like steady eddie. Yeah. But that's all

(09:18):
because first of all, I mean my personality is pretty
much that, but also my life is pretty consistent with
what this is, aside from like getting to see my
friends and stuff, and I've been like, well, I get
to talk to them, I get to see them on zoom.
But today I was just like I woke up and
I'm like, it's just not the same. Like I was
looking through pictures of like traveling, and I was like,

(09:39):
I just want to go and be able to be like,
let's go to the desert for the weekend and get
a house of the pool, you know, the thing that's
weird is just like we don't know when this is
gonna be done, you know what I mean? Like I
don't like, you know, it's like such a um question
mark as to when this is gonna be on or

(10:00):
how it's gonna be done, or if it's going to
go back to normal or you know what I mean.
I think that's what's really tripping me up, is like, yeah,
I did have the best burger of possibly my life
this last weekend, and I'm kind of jealous about it.
So any of your nails, which we need to get

(10:21):
back to you by the way, yea. Um, So the
burger I was posting, I posted like a story recently
and I was just saying, like all the foods I
was craving, which was like everything. But um, this girl
wrote me on Facebook and she sent me the instagram
to this burger place in l A called Burgers Never
Say Die, and the the whole thing is like you

(10:44):
call into order, but they had closed once every like
quarantine started, but then they were reopening and they were
just doing pickup orders and she was like, but you
have to order in advance, and like you have to
wait in line, like it's a it's a big deal,
like it's very popular. So I saw the picture and
I thought about I like, was having vivid dreams about
eating this burger and what it would taste like. And

(11:07):
so I'm doing a work So Haley and I've been
doing workouts with our trainer over FaceTime or whatever, which
has been great. It's like, you know, it's been great
for me to do. But her trainer was like, um, hey,
if y'all, if y'all want a good burger, my husband
is like co owner somehow involved in this restaurant called

(11:28):
Burgers Never Say Die. And I was like, are you
kidding me? I was like, I've literally been dreaming about
a burger from there ever since I heard about it,
and she was like, oh, yeah, they just opened back
up today. So um, we drove and got one on Friday,
and it was you know how you see pictures or
you think about things and you imagine how they'll they'll taste,

(11:50):
and then you taste it and you're like, it was good,
but it wasn't like exactly what I thought it would be.
This was everything I thought it would be. It was
perfect it And then Easton responded and gave me the
validation I needed as a fellow fast food foodie. Wait,
it's fast food. I mean it's I mean it's a burger.

(12:12):
It's like it's it's a really really well made burger.
And it's like and then they make their fries in
beef tallow like how McDonald's used to, so they so
it's not vegan, but um, it's so good. And I
used they used to do it out of an apartment complex,
like I would just like set up the griddle like

(12:32):
in a parking lot. And uh. I went when they
were doing it at a like a pub. They were
doing in a parking lot of a pub, and I
waited in line for like an hour and a half
and I was like, man, this burger better be good.
And oh my god, it's so good. They're so good. Wait,
I want to try that because when I'm on my period,
the only thing I want is a burger. And I

(12:52):
think it's because I never eat I never eat red meat.
Oh yeah, that makes sense. I really think you'd like it, Becca,
What would you compare it to in terms of like,
it reminds me a lot of a shake shack burger,
but like a much better version of it. Interesting because
I'm not a huge shake. I mean, I like shake shack,
but I wouldn't. I don't know, like I don't know

(13:18):
the Oh, the most comparable for me is this place
in Denver called Part Burger. No no no, I said
it was similar to that. Well, he's saying, compared to
something that we could have maybe tried at some point. Oh,
because like the places Random but Pub and Cincinnati, this
burger my mom used to make. I don't know, I haven't. Yeah,

(13:41):
I haven't had. I haven't had anything like it in
l A to be honest. But the cheese is melted
to perfection. It's too thin patties. The key to perfect
burger for me is a thin patty, and then the
bun and the pickles are crunchy and juicy, and then,
like Easton said, the French fries that went along with it.

(14:03):
It was just absolute perfection. If you were in l A.
Highly recommend. Okay, I'm gonna try that and I'll let
you know. Yeah. So that was That was one of
the highlights. And then uh we started a little fires everywhere.
So good. It's literally one of the best shows that's

(14:25):
been on TV in my opinion in a long time.
What episode are you on We're caught up. We're just
waiting for the last one. Oh. I don't think I'm
even caught up. I think I'm on episode like four.
Oh yeah, there's seven out right now. I don't know
how you stopped. We literally would have to be like, okay,

(14:46):
let's stop so that we can we don't watch them
all in one sitting. So here's the thing with me
and TV. I can't stay up late to watch TV
because I had to get up early in the morning.
So by the time I like usually like I finished
work and then I work out, and then I like clean,
and then I make dinner, and then I really only
have time to watch like one episode of something, So

(15:08):
I can't really get through much stuff. I don't know
if I think you could sacrifice the cleaning session at
night since you do it all day during that I could,
And I actually I have to admit I have really
taken a step back from the cleaning thing. Like in
the beginning of Quarantine, I was like deep cleaning every
other day, Like when I tell you deep cleaning, like

(15:29):
all my hands and I like all four what is
it forearms or four legs or what for grubbing and
dusting and like the full thing. And now I'm doing
it like every two weeks a deep clean and then
like every day just like a little section. Okay, well

(15:51):
that seems really just tapering it back. But I really
could be more productive because like my nail has literally
split down the middle, because yeah, what happened. I have
acrylics and so it like literally split. Don't know if
you can see what. I'm like fully bending it like that,

(16:11):
but it's not coming off and I don't want to
peel it off because I'm too scared. Well yeah I wouldn't.
I'm just letting them like grow out fully until I
can get them done. But it seems a little bit
santy at the moment. I mean, it's just so like
the irony is that I always just do like a nude,

(16:36):
simple color that will grow out you can barely tell. Yeah,
that's like my go too. But before we went to
Hawaii for Britt's birthday, I was like, I'm spice it
up and I did a neon green French tip for
the first time, and then all of a sudden, all
the nail salons are closed and we can't go, and

(16:57):
so I have these ugly neon French. So finally I
was like, I filed my right hand, which so I'm
left handed, so it's my dominant hand. So I filed
my right hand down, but then I went It took forever,
and then I went to do my my dominant hand
with my non dominant hand and it was like too much,

(17:19):
so I just left it. So I had one without
the green tips one with the green tips. Finally, I thought,
I'm going to see if there's an electric nail file
on Amazon that I can get, so I found one.
I thought I was going to burn my nails off
for like cause severe damage, but I did it, and
I did it well. It took forever. And then I

(17:39):
got these glue ones that Jojo recommended, and what do
you glue them on with permanent ink or it doesn't
glue things sharp your nails and yeah, adhesive. No, the
nails came with adhesive, so I just at them one

(18:00):
but I lost my I lost one of them the
very next day, and I was like, this is not
gonna work for me, and then I lost my pinky one.
But basically, all you have to do is make sure
you put enough adhesive on your nail and on the
like fake nail and so then I filed them down
so they look nice. Right now, those are good. I'm impressed.

(18:23):
So I ordered, um, nail polished remover and uh, just
nail polished because I don't have either or and I'm
going to venture to do my toes this this weekend.
M I made a huge mistake and tried to like
file my toes and I think I gave myself an

(18:46):
ingrown toenail. So I literally could not sleep last night
because I was in so much pain. I know, I've
almost ever had one. Yeah, I'm almost thinking it's better
to just like not touch any of my nails until
this is over, you know, I mean your toe nails
are gonna be like the hazard. I know. And actually
because I run um, I actually um one time I

(19:08):
got gels. That's why I can't get gels on my
tone nails anymore, because I got gels. So I didn't
realize how long I had gone without getting a pedicure,
and my nail was jabbing into my running shoe that
I like literally bruised, Like my nail is black for
like it literally took six months to get out of it.

(19:28):
So you just didn't feel the link but when you
were just like living, it was just like poking out
of your shoe and you had no idea. I wasn't
like that about my toe nails getting long. I don't know, guys,
I don't know. Yeah, well, oh listen to this. Oh wait,

(19:51):
I have a great story. If we want to take
a break and then come back. Oh my god, what
a tease. Alright, a good one too. Let's take a
break right here. Okay. So on Friday night, after the

(20:22):
most amazing burger of my life, Hayley and I are
playing Mario Kart against um Marla who's her best friend,
and Thatcher who's her brother, and we're playing like virtual
You know, on Nintendo Switch you can play against each
other online. No, I don't know that because I don't.
I don't play video games. Okay, so on loser, So

(20:46):
on Nintendo Switch you can like go online and you
can play your friends who have it. It is fun
and um we're just like in the middle of a
battle and someone like bangs on my door and they're
like police department, and I like freak out. Literally in
my brain the way my mind works, I was like,

(21:08):
oh my gosh, I haven't gotten my registration stickers from
my car. They're after me. Um. So anyways, I opened
the door and they were like hi. They're like there's
like three cops standing there, and they're like, is everything okay?
And I was like yeah. I was like we're good,

(21:29):
and they're like, there, we just heard some noise coming
from inside. I was like, oh, we're just playing video games.
And I was like what's going on and they're like, oh,
there was a um like a noise complaint um in
the complex. And I was like, oh for me, and
they were like, no, for one of the other tenants,
and they're I do know any of your neighbors? Do

(21:50):
you know any of your neighbors who um don't speak English?
And I was like no, I don't know a lot
of my neighbors that well. I know a few of
them here and there. They're like do you know this number?
And I was like no, I don't know who that is.
So I guess there had been a complaint for domestic
um abuse or something. And so they're like there's like

(22:12):
seven cops walking around with like huge weapons on them
and I was just standing there like yeah, it was
so intense, and so they were like banging on the door.
No one was answering. Then one of the other neighbors
went and saw that their cars were still there, so
they knew they were home. It was just so intense.
So finally I guess the girl came out and said

(22:33):
that she had called nine one one, But I don't.
I couldn't really hear what was going on, But I
don't know what ended up happening because I didn't want
to be nosy, so I just went back inside. But
it was so scary. I haven't I've like not slept
soundly since I literally hate that stuff so much. Like
when things like that happened at my apartment complex, I
get so like, I don't know why, I feel like

(22:55):
a mother hen of my apartment complex, because like I
feel like I'm like the like the not the mascot,
but I feel like I'm the one that needs to
like stand to protect her on the protector of my
entire apartment complex because I am the apartment that's kind
of like the first one, you know what I mean.
So like I feel like it's my job to just

(23:17):
make sure everybody's safe, and so when things are going on,
like in front of our apartment complex, I'm the one
that always like calls the cops, and I do a
lot more often than than one would think. Or oh um,
but I like I peek my eyes over the window
to like see because I've heard like a guy and
a girl. I think they live somewhere around here, like

(23:38):
getting gnarly into it, like domestic like fight, and I'll
like call the cops to like come and I'll just
be stating watching them the entire time, scared, and it's
just like yeah, and you don't want to get too involved,
but you want to be aware of what's going on
if you can step in and help. And so I'm
like these people, I think this whoever lives in unit

(24:00):
they moved in recently, so I don't I don't even
know if I've seen them around or even like you know,
if I would recognize them. But I'm like, I feel
I kind of feel the same way of like this
responsibility of like being on the lookout, but also like
not wanting to do It's so weird, Like I don't
know why I like to put this like on myself.
Like the other day there was a homeless man um

(24:23):
I don't know how to say this, um pleasuring himself
can I say that? Yeah, alright, pleasuring himself just on
our front lawn. And I like felt really bad because
like I felt for him, you know, like where is
he gonna? Like he has nowhere to go? But then
I'm like, there's children that live in here, Like what

(24:44):
if one of them walk outside and see like this
man pleasuring himself on the lawn right here. Oh I'm
I mean I feel I know what you're saying, like
you feel for him, but I don't know if he
necessarily needs to be doing that while he's like going
in bubble. That's a different like humanly urge that that

(25:05):
you can't really it's not it's a non essential. Did
you did you call the police? I did. I was
driving and yeah I did, but I thought that about it,
but I was like, no, I was driving on around
Hollywood Boulevard and there was a man with his sweatpants

(25:29):
down to his knees and no underwear on, and he
was just dancing on the streets, and I saw some
things that I shouldn't have seen. You know, he was
just living his life. You know, we're all on a
different path. Um, yeah, we're all on a different path.

(25:49):
No judgment, you know, but but Becka, did you, um, so,
have you have you heard this couple before in your
part like complex that that was having the dispute. Is
this something that's been going on for a while. No.
So Weirdly that day, earlier in the day, I was

(26:11):
sitting on the couch and heard like a I don't know,
like a scream or like a moan. I literally almost
thought someone was having like loud sex or something. So
I and I didn't really it was the first time
that's ever happened. Like, my complex is really quiet, it's calm,
it's a lot of families, and so I didn't literally
never thought a thing of it. But the neighbor who

(26:31):
shares a wall with the unit that they came to
check on, they said they hear them like I think,
fighting or like yelling a lot. So I don't know,
she just acts like the girl that I talked to
seemed like, yeah, we hear them all the time. Man,
that's that's tough. So I know it's that. I think

(26:54):
that's why I've felt so like, um um, I don't know,
like it's hard because I, like I said, I don't
want to come across as nosy or stepping on anyone's
toes or being anyone's business. But at the same time,
I'm like, okay, that felt for that, for that many

(27:15):
cops to come out and be that concerned, if you know,
it felt serious. So I'm just my eyes are, my
eyes are. I'm aware of what's happening, and I'm keeping
and eye on the situation when I can. I mean
me too, girl. When I when I first moved to
l A, I I went down to um uh Fairfax
and uh Santa Monica. There's like a bunch of like

(27:36):
clothing stories down there. And I parked in this neighborhood
and this guy pulled up behind me and his girlfriend
or wife was driving, and he was sitting passenger and
he was just just like close fest just punching her
so hard, and I was like, oh my god. So
I sat there and I think I was tryna think
about what to do. And so I get out of

(27:57):
the car and then he gets out of the car
are and like starts walking towards me. And then I
got back in the car and I got the license
plate and I drove away and I called the police,
and I felt I've always felt like a coward in
that moment, and um for like not stopping because like,
who you know, I should have stopped him, but who's

(28:18):
this giant dude? And so I called my My dad's
a police officer, and I called him and I was like,
I feel horrible, man, Like this woman was like in
serious need and I just like I left. And He's like,
when those situations, really the best thing you can do
is be a good witness, because what would have happened.
He's like, you would have gotten a fight with him,

(28:38):
he would have like beaten the crap out of you,
and then the cops would have come, and then who knows,
you know, maybe she would have denied it. Who knows
what would have happened. So those things too, because like
you want to help, but it almost could do more
damage than good. Yeah, exactly, And like and the truth
is like if I, if I somehow got involved, it

(28:59):
could if it's a situation where things are bad and
she might be in denial or whatever, it might make
things worse for her the more that people are involved.
So I think I'm just gonna, you know, if I
hear something that's like suspicious or not out of the norm,
then I'm gonna, you know, be aware of it this time. Definitely,
um yeah, but to uh to do it? To do

(29:22):
a slight pivot. Who's your character and Mario Kart? Do
you like to race as? Oh? So I race as
a peach princess. Interesting, I'm a warrior guy and I win. Really, actually,
I see that. Let me just say it here right now.
If if you guys hear me talking about ever playing

(29:43):
a video game on this podcast, you will know that
I have officially cracked. Honestly, it's so fun just saying that,
just throwing that out now. If anybody sees me playing
a video game of sorts, you will know has cracked.

(30:04):
We're in week twelve of Quarantine. Tanya is playing Animal
Crossing like obsessing about her acorns. Honestly, though, of all
the things, I haven't played, but from what I've heard,
I could totally see Tanya getting obsessed with the Animal
Crossing and acting like she had it's her duty to
do her jobs or whatever. On that game, you'd feel

(30:25):
like you're being so productive. So I haven't played it either,
but I could I could also see that. I'm a
cool guy. I don't play any video games. I'm very cool.
I don't know I got quite a lengthy list of
things to do before I get a Nintendo. So well,
they're like sold out everywhere, so good luck, you're lost.

(30:47):
I think I'd rather order a printer and practice like
printing things than play video games. Practice printing what's sort
of practice? It was like her I had to be
like sarcastic, but it was just a bust. I can't
hang out, guys, I go practice my printer. Yeah. Sorry,

(31:09):
you're playing your video games. I gotta go practice my
We're doing double sided tonight. I'm like creating my own
games over here. Have either of you tried to learn
like me? I'm sorry if you've already brought this up.

(31:32):
Have you either like learned a new instrument or something
like that or anything like during the quarantine? Yeah, I
guess not just in general, But um no, I haven't.
Have you have? I I mean, where'd it go? I have? Ah?

(31:57):
I have a um I have of a ukulele that
I've been practicing, and I also have this ak arena
that I'm trying to break into. But that's about it. Yeah,
I don't really. It's weird because I'm like, I don't
have the time to like, yeah, do anything really aside
from like, I mean, you're working like full time and

(32:20):
every you know, like life hasn't really changed. It's only
the weekends where I have more time than I usually do.
But um, I'm trying to treat my weekends like I
would like a regular weekend, you know what I mean. Like, Well,
I think people sometimes use the weekends to learn new hobbies. Yeah,

(32:42):
I do. I wish I was reading more. I do
wish I was reading more. It's so easy to like,
at least for me, because I'm the same way, like
I've got like three books by my bed, and I
keep telling myself like, oh, when I get into bed,
I'll pick up the books. But it's so easy just
to be like just like on your phone and then yeah,
like I'm either on my phone or on cleaning. If

(33:03):
I cut up the cleaning, I could really make something
good in that window. I I spend so much to
useless time on TikTok is the worst, Like it's the
best and the worst. Because I lay the other night,
I've not been sleeping well, like I don't know what's

(33:24):
going on. I'm just really having a hard time sleeping.
And the other night I took two advil PM and
I read a book. Put my phone down and read
a book. When I say, I don't even remember falling asleep.
It was the best sleep I've gotten forever. And I'm like,
I don't know if it was just the advil PM
or if it was just putting my phone down and

(33:45):
reading a book. Interesting, Yeah, because the phone just like
keeps your brain going. Maybe I'm going to try that.
I'm gonna try that with red Star reading before we
go to sleep to see if it gives us better sleep.
I think it does. I mean, I notice if I

(34:05):
if I can just put my phone down, it's just dumb.
I'm like, why can't I do this every Why do
I feel like I have to go through TikTok for
twenty minutes before I'm going to sleep. It'll all be
there the next day, you know, you can. You can
check it in the morning, just a bunch of use.
I'm like, oh wow, that's a great easy recipe. Or

(34:27):
you know, I'm just literally like, fully gonna try this
this week and I'll report back next week if it helps.
Oh yeah, that's great, I'm sure. And also, if anyone's listening,
if you have any remedies for sleep, I am a
big advocate for CBD. Um, I'm into melotonin. I just
can't find one that really does the trick for me.

(34:50):
So I got this red Star is having a little
bit of problem sleeping as well, and so I got
this little um like essential oil that I put in
my debut user. It's called like good Night. I don't
really think it's working for him, but it smells quite
nice and it puts you in a tranquil space where
you go to sleep. So maybe try that. Yeah, that's

(35:11):
called lavender. I've tried that. You need something harder, Yeah,
I need something in my system, okay to help. Um.
We have a guest on today and I'm actually super
excited to chat with her. Her name is Dr Viviana Coles,

(35:32):
and we're going to call her doctor VIM. I think
that's what she goes by, but um, she is uh like,
she's a doctor of Marriage and Family Therapy. She's a
certified sex therapist, and she's also an expert on married
at First Sight on Lifetime. I'm excited to get her
on the phone because I think this is a really

(35:53):
interesting time for couples who have never spent this much
time together and wondering if they are in the right
relationship with the right person, or if this is a
sign to get out now. So, um, we're gonna bring
her on in a second, and we're going to take
a break and we'll be right back with Dr vin

(36:29):
all right, you guys, we are back and we have
Dr Viviana. Cole's in the building. Well on our phone,
zoom whatever. She's here, she's with us. I'm here, I'm
care thank you. Um, so you go by Dr viv
Actually I don't. Oh, It's like everyone's in calling me

(36:53):
Dr viv And I'm like I love that. No, I mean,
I go by whatever anybody wants to call me. It's fine.
My name is Viviana, but everybody calls me Dr Vivid
and I've got with my family they call me Vivy,
and then I have a lot of friends who call
me viv So Dr VIVI is I like it? I
like it was. I want to set up what you

(37:16):
do because you are a doctor of marriage and family
therapy and a certified sex therapists. That's right. So every day,
all day, I'm talking to people about intimacy issues, physical
intimacy especially, but emotional intimacy because as we all know
in relationships, you've gotta have both to feel like you're

(37:36):
in a healthy relationship. So that's what I do day
in and day out. It's um, it's a lot of
fun to help people, but it's also really heavy steps.
So a lot of people are like, oh, so, I
guess you talked to them about positions and stuff like yeah,
like five percent of the time, But most of the
time it's because nothing's going on, Like nothing's going on
in the bedroom. They're on the verge of divorce, they've

(37:58):
been unhappy, they're really trying to reconnect, and it's been
like eight years, you know, Like it's pretty dramatic in
my own Here's my question to you, how do you
notice like a pattern or like how do people get
to that point in their marriage, because like in the beginning,
all you want is like intimacy and then like when

(38:19):
does that turn happen? And how do you like prevent that.
That's a great question. I've actually never had anybody asked
me that, but I'm constantly dealing with this, so I'm
really glad you asked that, Tiy. The thing is, I
think for a lot of people, they really rely on
their hormones and their urges to drive desire, and when
that naturally starts to peter out over the course of

(38:42):
eighteen to twenty four months, people usually either just say, oh,
this is how it's gonna be, or they break up
with each other. So a lot of people are not
focusing on that transition, and I wish people would come
to me early on so I could help them through
the transition that we all go because mentally and in
our brains, we cannot handle that same level of passion

(39:05):
that we have in new relationships past eighteen to twenty
four months max. They can't see a lot of people
who are in these monogamous relationships, serial monogamous relationships, but
they're only for like a year and a half to
two years at the most. Some people can't even make
it that far. But yeah, I think that transition is
what people really need to work on. How do you

(39:26):
transition from passion to something that's more of like a
long lasting burn that is so pushing. It's so funny
because I had a friend who would always say she
was addicted to love, and I think what she meant
was she was like because she would be in those
serial relationships where they would last like a year, year

(39:46):
and a half, and then she'd like it would be
onto the next one and she's like, I'm addicted to love,
and I'm And now that you say that, it's more
like she was addicted to that passionate love that's in
the beginning of a relationship. So so you're saying that
there's like an actual hormone that is like being used
in that beginning and then that just like naturally goes away.

(40:07):
So it's actually brain chemistry that we're talking about. And
I'm not a neurologist, so I won't be the person
to like really give you all the you know, details
of it, but I will tell you that that it
is common knowledge that four months of passion is what
you get at most before it starts to really need
to change, and you know, it almost needs to have

(40:27):
like a metamorphosis in order to change into something that
that's lasting, and a lot of couples don't do that.
So what ends up happening is they just kind of
let it dip. They think, Okay, it'll come back, don't worry,
they'll come back, no problem, and then it doesn't come
back because they haven't put any work into keeping that
spark alive. And then it feels like it's funny. I

(40:49):
tell my clients is a lot it feels like they
turned off the gas to the house, and every time
they want to get it on, they have to go
call the gas company, turn it on, then go like
the pilot light, then like the burners, and it's like
this huge, big deal and so everyone's like, ah, it's
too much trouble and stressed out. I'd rather just sleep

(41:10):
because for a lot of people, they knew in their sleep,
but at the beginning you didn't need that sleep. You
could you could have lost your job and you wouldn't care. Wait,
I'm so intrigued, So can you tell us like one
thing to do? Like, what can people do? I think
we need to take a page from a lot of
men's books, which is the idea that they need to

(41:34):
they talk. They talk about sex often. They think about
sex often, even if it's not like you a really
you know, it's not like they're trying to masturbate all
the time or anything, but they at least think about sex.
They think about pleasure when it comes to sex on
a daily basis, multiple times a day. And that's not
the case for a lot of women, Um, we tend

(41:54):
to not prioritize our sexuality and our sexual feelings and
desire until we have to switch it on when we're
in the bedroom. And that's something that I think men
are awesome that because the reason that they always seem
like they're ready, you know, quote unquote ready, is because
they've been thinking about it. No, they haven't gone through

(42:15):
like this entire fantasy every every minutes or anything, but
they at least think about it or allow outside messages
for movies, TVs, ads, radio podcasts, they allow those messages
in and they don't just kick them aside like a
lot of women do you know, if we're not in
a sexy place or a sexy mood, those things just
bounce right off of us. What I would love for

(42:37):
women to do is to allow the men every once
in a while, like three out of five messages, let
them in. Yeah. Wow, that's really interesting. So are you
saying for for like at eighteen to twenty four months,
that's kind of when it that brain chemistry stops for
women or is it for both women and women or
is it just like a couple. No, I mean it's

(43:00):
for it's for everyone. And it's mainly for a I mean,
if you're in a relationship, you're assuming you both started
at the same time. That timeline tends to be true
for both people, and unless somebody's gone outside of it
and has a new relationship enerview with somebody else. But
typically if you're in a monogamous relationship or if you're
in a committed relationship, that time frame is for both

(43:21):
of you. And what I have found is that couples
who last the longest with having that sexual component to
their relationship, it's because they have actively kept it alive,
they have nurtured it. They haven't thought after the kids,
you know, once the once the kids are sleeping on
their own, once the kids are you know this, once
they're going to school. A lot of people think it'll

(43:45):
come back, it'll it was there, it'll come back, and
that's wishful thinking, and it doesn't really happen without the
help of someone you know, qualified, typically um like myself,
to say, hey, let me tell you what this is
gonna look like so that you can be ready. And
if you've already let it go, it's going to take
work from both of you to reprioritize it. And look,

(44:06):
I'm not the kind of person. I'm not sex therapis, yes,
but I'm not the kind of person who's going to
tell you you need to prioritize sex over everything else.
You know, we've all got lives and nobody got time
for that. But you've got to be in the top
five at least if you're in a relationship. Most people
don't sign up to be in sexless relationships. And if
you did, okay, that's fine. If both of you signed

(44:28):
up for that, that's fine. You're not going to become
in my office because you're happy. Which for the people
that typically go into you know, a very um I
guess normative relationship, they are expecting to have sexuality and
sexual intimacy as well as emotional intimacy be a part

(44:48):
of that relationship for the long term. And it takes work.
But when it's two people, it doesn't feel like that.
It doesn't feel like it's hard as if it was
just one person trying to, you know, carry a torch
for the second life, which I find a lot of
men do. Or every once in a while in my office,
I do get that woman who's like, I don't know

(45:10):
what's going on. Like I constantly am all over him
and he's just his head is somewhere else. And there
are lots of reasons for that. Some can be detrimental
to the relationship as far as it being a betrayal happening,
and other times it's just a lot of stress. It's
a lot of stress. We have a lot going on. Yeah,
I was gonna say, have you found that businesses like

(45:34):
booing for you right now? With so many couples spending
probably more time than ever together. Well, I'm really fortunate
that the type of work that I do is kind
of always in need. But right now I'm getting more
people who are available more often for sessions because I
get a lot of busney people, I get people in
in you know, your business, I get people all of it,

(45:55):
And to get them to be able to have a
regular hour every week isn't often the case. And now
they're like, can we can we talk to you for
two hours? I'm like, yeah, let's do it. So yeah,
it's more that the availability is more there um and
even my availabilities opened up a bit more because you know,
as things are kind of sewing down or morphing into

(46:16):
a different way to do shows, and film and all that.
So it's it's a lot of that combination. But I'm
so glad that people even know that someone like me,
like a certified sex there was even exists, um, and
that they're willing to reach out for help because this
is this is the sort of thing. When sex isn't
going well in a relationship, people will say it accounts

(46:38):
for seventy of why they're unhappy, But when it's going well,
they're like, oh, it's no big deal. It's like sex
is what like ten percent of a relationship. It's a
big deal when it's a big deal. I do want
to say that I do think there's ways to be like, um,
sexually intimate with somebody and not actually having sex with them. Absolutely.

(46:59):
So when I talk about sex, I'm talking about what
you're saying, Tanya, which is this idea of there can
be sensuality, there can be this undercurrent of sexiness, but
I'm not talking about intercourse. UM. I think that a
lot of people once they cross that line quote unquote
into intercourse, they think, well, if we're not doing that,
then it's not worth it, Like what are we doing?

(47:21):
And again, the people who are happiest have variety. They're
making out still, people make out. I'm like, go home
and make out with your response. Do it in a
place where you can't do anything more because you'll get arrested.
Like make out, you know, touch each other, give each
other with sausages, two showers together, give each other hand jobs.

(47:42):
Like it doesn't all have to be about penetrative intercourse,
right mm hmm. Well, we have a very um and
an email that came in from one of our listeners,
and we definitely feel like this is professional advice that
is needed. And so Eastern is going to read the email,
and I think he's going to check and make sure

(48:03):
he's saying a word right, Hi, Dr viv Dr Viana.
This uh, this concerns a condition called vagin is SMUs.
Am I saying that right? Alright, cool, I've been practicing
all day, Okay, um M, not anything different than usual. Um.

(48:23):
So here's the email. UM. I was diagnosed with vaginismus
about a year and a half ago. It's an involuntary
spasm or contraction of the pelvic floor muscles when anything
approaches for penetration, which makes sex extremely painful or not possible.
I'm a Christian and I've been saving myself for marriage
since being diagnosed diagnosed after an exam because of extreme
pain for failed attempts of a PAP smere I've tried

(48:46):
going through a graduated dilator program and seeing a pelvic
floor physical therapist. Neither of these was completely successful, though
I do think they helped a little. I got engaged
in December and planned to get married in June, but
I'm so afraid said it just won't work. I'm dreading
my first time and I don't want this to ruin
my marriage. My fiance has been super patient, supportive, and encouraging.

(49:07):
Do you know anyone who struggled with this? Wow? Unfortunately
I have heard of many, because I see a lot
of these situations is where it can feel like there's
this unconsummated marriage situation happening. And while that's a very
outdated term, it's what they're coming in with. They're saying,

(49:28):
they're saying exactly what your color is saying, and there
and this is a problem. Um, it's a very rare problem.
It's not something that happens typically just out of the blue.
Sometimes it's usually it's something that has happened or continued
since you know, adolescents. It's not something that will just
happen out of the loop. It can there's always accessions.

(49:52):
Typically it's an underlying anxiety disorder, which is why going
to see a public health for therapist is awesome for education,
because the education will give her the knowledge and the
confidence in her body and in her anatomy to know
what exactly is happening. A lot of times women will
come to my office and they the educated women, um

(50:15):
thirty five years old, who will be like, well, down there,
something isn't right. And to get them to understand what
down there really means, or to get me to understand
what they doing by that, it takes a lot of education,
which I love to do. I just wish it was
something that they already knew about themselves. So we often
talk about men having performance anxiety and how that plays out,

(50:39):
but we don't often think about the person who's actually
allowing something to be to penetrate them. That's performance anxiety too.
Sometimes people in my field will call vaginismus like a
panic attack in the vagina. It makes sense. I mean,
I'm surprised it's as rare as it is, but I
guess a lot of people don't want to talk about it.

(51:00):
I wish what don't get help because, um, unfortunately many
a baby has ended up after coming this. It's just
see me. It's like, wonder if all you can get
through it? Is what I'm trying to say. You can
work through it, but it's not something that will happen overnight.
And it's not something that if you say just relax,
just relax, let it happen. No, that's not the way
it works. There's a lot that goes into it, and

(51:22):
it takes a lot of vulnerability. Um. I love that
word because it really does mean a lot. But it
takes confidence, trust, confidence in someone else, trusting someone else,
trust in your own body. I mean, there's just so
much that goes into this receiving of a penis. I
mean it's a big deal. Yeah, I mean I yeah,
I think what you said a spot on. I'm I

(51:44):
I honestly too. She was anonymous, but I really applaud
her for like being open and vulnerable and asking for
help and advice because I think what you said is
might be the first time she's heard like, Okay, you
focused on the physical therapy, but now it's time to
figure out what's going on? What mental block is there

(52:06):
that's well, And women who are in her situation, the
first thing they'll do is talk to Google and they'll
go online and say, how do I fix this? What
is this? I can't have sex? Is what they'll look
up and all of these things will come up saying
it's vaginismus vaginismus and it might be yes, that that
might be the case, but how you work through it.

(52:28):
It's not going to happen online. And yes, you can
get the dilator sets and you can start working through that.
But just because you can have something insert does not
mean that it's going to end up working out in
the bedroom in a sexual experience. So that's part of it,
and I am I applaud women for even going that route. Um.

(52:51):
I found that a lot of times they'll come into
my office after having used the dilators and say, okay,
I was able to get to this one, but there's
I can't do that with my partner. I can't replicate it,
you know, it's not the same. Or they'll say I
was able to do this, but then it was like
this isn't fun. Wants to do this? I don't want
to spend time every other day working, you know, having

(53:14):
something inside me, and you know it's it's not sexy.
So when it's not sexy, or if they're not in
a relationship, they don't feel the pressure, But then if
they are in a relationship, they feel the pressure. So
it's not easy. So I applaud her for asking, but
it's definitely not going to be something that she finds online. Yeah,
good to know. Google is great for some things, but

(53:36):
sometimes for other things that really just find out that
she's not alone. She's definitely not alone and there is
something there's a name to this, but as far as
the working through it, it's probably not gonna happen. Now. Yeah, well,
we um so appreciate. I feel like we could talk
to you all day, but um, we so appreciate you

(54:01):
coming on. Um, I know that you're on Married at
First Sight and then there's a reunion special that you'll
be on this Wednesday. Is that correct? Yeah? So the
reunion special is for the cast. Um, they're coming back
and sharing what's been going on since Decision Day, which
just aired this past Wednesday. Married at First Sight has
been interesting way to kind of see how couples deal

(54:24):
with going from like straight up single, just straight unmarried
in the seen and then to have the cameras so
that we can understand what it's like and they can
share their experience with us. It's so amazing. I'm I'm
really really just ecstatic to be a part of the
whole process. I mean, it is I cannot even imagine

(54:47):
being in their positions, but it's so I mean, it's
fascinating because you you watch it and it makes sense
how it can work with the professionals that are behind it.
It's not just like bumble Day's going now, and it's
not just let's roll the dice and put these people together.
There are months of trying to figure out who these
people are and what they need and what they want,

(55:08):
and then finding out, to the best of our abilities,
how to make sure that we have paired them with
someone that they could have long term success with, that
they could have a lasting marriage. There's a lot of pressure, um,
but it's really special. I mean, this is like it's
modern day matchmaking, but on steroids. Because we're thinking, we're

(55:30):
trying to think of all these scenarios, but the truth
is we don't read mind, so we can't tell the future.
We don't really know what's going to happen. We hope
and we think it's gonna go a certain way. But then,
just like everyone else, we're watching the episodes and there
are certain things that we thought, oh okay, so when

(55:51):
she said this, I thought it was like this, but
that face she made, of course he was going to
take it the wrong way or whatever. So it's just
really interesting to watch, especially even though I was a
part of it. Um, it's it's an interesting show when
someone gets something out of it. I mean, this is
it's crazy. Oh yeah, I mean it's like it's such

(56:11):
a popular show. I think people are just so fascinated
by the concept and the idea. But I remember when
I watched them, like it makes I mean, you know,
we were all trying to find someone we match with,
So why not get professionals to do the research for
us and then put us together with someone And and
that's truck is. We take it very very seriously. We

(56:34):
want the best for them. We want people to see
what marriage, what healthy marriage is like. Um, you know,
a lot of us, the three experts, the ones that
do the matching, we all do this for a living
on the side in one way, shape or form um
and we we know how difficult it can be. But

(56:54):
the people that we picked have made us feel very
confident that they're ready for marriage. We know that they're
ready for married. We won't know until they're actually married,
because by the time it starts, they're already married. It's
already done. They take that deep dive into the deep end.
And then we just sit back and hope that they're
into each other and that they treat each other with

(57:15):
respect and that you know, they can grow into something
that's more lasting like love, and that they show each
other the potential that we've seen. Yeah, that's awesome. Um.
Where can people find you on Instagram? Website? Where can
they get more information about you? Yeah? So, um, my
name is Dr Viviana Coles and my website is dr

(57:39):
Viviana dot com. My social media's Dr Viviana. I have
online programs, I have an online community. Can be a
part of UM. I love what's happening on Instagram because
people are asking me these sorts of questions all the
time and like idt V and I can just be like, hey,
let me answer this question, and whoever happens to come

(58:00):
across it might actually learn something. So it's such an
amazing platform on Facebook and Twitter and all of that.
But yes, special media has been awesome for my for
my field because you know, like this is what we
do and I love one on one, but I also
really enjoy being able to help lots of people who
will never see in my office. Right, Yeah, yeah, you're right,

(58:23):
that's really cool. Well, we really appreciate you taking the
time to talk with us and give our listeners some
insight to I mean, like I said, I feel like
couples right now are and they're like do I really
like this person? And everybody needs to remember this is
new territory. Be nice to each other, give each other's face,

(58:45):
keep your expectations really low. We don't need anybody thinking like, oh,
this is our chance to really renovate our marriage. No,
everybody is stressed out. Everybody just needs to be able
to retreat to their corners and then come back together
and have fun. We don't know how long we're going
to be cooked up, so don't start, you know, stirring
up everything. Don't quarantine. That's really good advice. To be

(59:11):
nice to each other. That's the main takeaway. Yeah, well,
thank you so much dr babing, and I really appreciate.
We can't wait to have you better literally use first
of all long. I would love to, but I don't like.
I just feel like it's such like a miss um.
I feel like women don't talk about things like this
to each other or out loud, and like it's like,

(59:32):
how are you supposed to know what feels good to
you if you've never you know what I mean? Like
I barely know I'm thirty. How old am I thirty two?
I lost my virginity at nineteen? And you know what
I mean. It's like I I still struggle and lots
of things, and like, I don't know, I just find
it it's such like a weird it's such like an
under um spoken out area. It's still pretty taboo. I mean,

(59:58):
I try to make it it's easy to talk about
these things, but it's still pretty taboo, and a lot
of people don't want to admit when they're struggling in
the bedroom, especially men. Men. I mean, they have to
have practically their peanuts falling off before they'll go ahead
to help about it. Um. I think it's really important
that it's not just women who aren't talking about that

(01:00:19):
it's men as well, and you just need to do it,
just get it out there. Think. Yeah, it's great advice. Well,
thank you so much. Stay safe and enjoy your time
with your family and we will talk to you soon hopefully. Yeah,
thank you so much, guys, take care bye bye. Um So,

(01:00:57):
having Dr Vivon made me realize something that I didn't
even ask you about. Becca, What how is your relationship
doing in this quarantine. We're I mean, we're great. I
think the thing is, I mean, to be honest, I
don't really feel like we need a ton of time

(01:01:17):
apart from each other. Like I haven't had any moments
where I'm like I need my space, but we each
have our own place, so if one of us needs
a space, then there's an escape in that way. But
I haven't really felt that immense need force for from
for space. Um. So, like we've been good, but I

(01:01:38):
think there's moments where they're stressed or like fear or
anxiety about just like the overall situation. But we're pretty
good at communicating and like talking it out, like last
night we talked about just it's so easy to focus.
I think the human nature is to focus on ourselves
and our personal situation of like how am I feeling?

(01:02:00):
Which I think it's great to check in and like
make sure that you're feeling healthy and like your your
mental health and your physical health. I think that is
very necessary. But in the grand scheme of things, being
bored or wanting to travel and not being able to
is so minute compared to the overall scenario. So we

(01:02:23):
had this conversation last night, just talking, you know, like
verbalizing that and that it's important to be aware of
our situation and how we're feeling, but also taken to
consideration the bigger picture. Um, so we're good. We haven't
had any We've had a few like bickering arguments, but

(01:02:43):
nothing where one of us slams the door and runs
out or anything. That's good. Yeah, yeah, what are you
laughing at? I mean, it's just it's so it's such
I don't know, it's just so interesting. It's just like

(01:03:04):
I feel like we're all going to look back at
this time and just be like, do you remember that
time when like everything just shut down? I mean, yeah,
we're literally kind of in a very historical yeah time
like this will be written about in history books, you know. Yeah,

(01:03:25):
it's really wild, and I almost think something I've been
thinking to, Like, um, Red Star and I were talking
over the weekend, and he was saying he was just like,
you know, it is it is kind of crazy to
be like thrown into this situation in a new relationship,
you know what I mean, because like, yeah, yeah, I

(01:03:49):
mean they're like this week we literally just spent like
seventy two eight hours together and like that's you know,
not normal for a couple. That's like a few months in,
you know what I mean. Yeah, And normally those seven
tiers would be spent like, you know, a weekend in
like you know, Santa Barbara or something like that. Like

(01:04:09):
it's not gonna be like just stuck in your home
like with the doors locked. Yeah, with the smell of
clorox just singing your nose. There lots of clorox of rocks.
It's so funny, though, I was interested in what Dr
Viv was saying about, how are you know we stopped

(01:04:32):
that honeymoon phase or whatever is kind of over it
and sexually, I guess in eighteen to twenty four months.
And it's funny because I remember your long term relationship
you I remember asking like did it last did that
feeling of passion last the whole time you alred together?
And you said yes. But during that time y'all were

(01:04:54):
most of the time you alre together was a long distance, right,
so that it kind of lingered on. But because y'all
were so limited on your time together, so it did
feel like new every time you got to see you. Yeah. Maybe,
I know. I'm so interested in that eighteen to twenty
four month thing. I mean, it makes I it makes
so much sense. I feel like so many of my

(01:05:15):
friends have been in the two year mark. People are like,
I don't know if this is it, because maybe that
feeling is just gone, and so they think that because
that's gone, that means the relationships not what it was
or something. Did you find that to be true? Eastern? Um? No,

(01:05:38):
but um really yeah, I don't know. But um, I
know our our our situation isn't is atypical? Um? I think?
Uh so I'm still waiting. You know, we've we've been
married now for almost three years, um, and we've we've
been together for like oh god five yeah, um, and

(01:06:05):
just each you know, I find the passion gets stronger
by the day. So uh yeah, you know, I'm waiting
to waiting to hit that that that point because I
know it's going to come, but um, it hasn't, hasn't it.
I don't know what to tell you. I know, I
know you know I'm a I'm a man of intense

(01:06:28):
passion and I just want to I just want to
get that on the record. UM, you know, we we
have one email I wanted to get into really quick.
If you guys are up to it, yeah, this is
this is uh from Marissa. She needs some advice and
I think I think you both are very suited for this.
I want to find my red star, but it's been
so hard. I don't know this happens. I always get

(01:06:50):
super uncomfortable around men who asked me out or like me.
I can like someone, but once they find out they
like me too, I freak out in a back away
big time. I wanted to cry when a nice man
bought me lunch at work and sat across from me.
I was so uncomfortable. Do you think this calling in
the one book will help me and get me out
of this hole? I'm twenty eight. I've never had a
boyfriend or even a first kiss before. I've never had

(01:07:12):
any traumatizing experiences when I was younger. Either, I don't
know why I am this way. I don't have dating apps,
are online dating? Do you have any advice for me
on how we can overcome this? I gotta tell you
that Calling in the One Book did some wonders on me.

(01:07:33):
I don't think it's a bad place to start. It's
like eleven dollars on Amazon, and it actually really like
helps to work through things like it made me and
I do a lot of self help. It made me
realize things about myself that I'd never realized before. So
I don't think it's a bad place to start. I'm

(01:07:53):
waiting for the day when you say, you know, I
don't think it's a good idea you can pass on
them like I feel like it. It's probably just a
good idea for anyone to do if they're looking to
get more introspective and um and get to know themselves better,
you know, because it's like I think, sometimes you kind
of get stuck in your in your dating rut, like
you think you're doing everything right and then like it

(01:08:14):
takes an outside like outside source. It's not necessarily a
friend or a family like this is literally just like
a woman a book that note doesn't know you, but
like she's just kind of telling you what time it is,
you know, like she's like rip this up, do this,
think this like and it just kind of it's like
the harsh reality that I think that people need. And

(01:08:35):
then like, I mean, I don't know, it made me
realize a ton about myself and then like cut two
Red Star came into my life. Yeah, I was gonna say,
I feel like more. I mean, obviously finding Red Star
was the cherry on top, but I think more than that,
what you talked about of how it helped you realize

(01:08:57):
patterns in the way you handled relationship ups are, you know,
just how you handle dating in general. I thought that
was the most interesting part of the book because I
remember thinking, like, even being in a relationship, I think
it would be beneficial to read. And so I think
the thing is that we kind of let the pressure
of what everyone is doing around us to get in

(01:09:19):
our heads. And I think not having a boyfriend and
being a certain age and not having your first kiss
and being a certain age makes you feel like you're
not doing something right or that something's wrong with you.
But the truth is is that like you're just on
your own time, and like you can't get into your
head about what society is telling you, what age you're

(01:09:42):
supposed to be, or what your life is supposed to
look like at that And I think we let a
lot of that get into our heads and it becomes
almost this weird anxiety that we have when someone sits
across from us and buys us lunch and sits down
to have a conversation, when that should just be it
shouldn't even be something that stresses us out. You know.

(01:10:03):
The thing I was kind of like saying with Dr
Viv is it's like we You're absolutely right, we like
create this idea of what things are supposed to look
like in our head, and then the more and more
we get on that, the more and more uncomfortable we
are with like dating, you know what I mean. Like
it's like it's a double edged sword, like it kind
of it just counter counter counter counter counter productive counteracts.

(01:10:31):
It's counter productive because it's like you want to find someone,
you want to you know, I mean, you want to
all these things, but then you are thinking about it
so much that you're creating this like wall up around yourself,
you know. And I think that like I do think
it was coincidental timing that Red Star came into my
life when he did, like this finishing the workbook, because

(01:10:52):
it could have been a year from now, it could
have been two years from now, who know, you know
what I mean, I think that was like coincidental. I
think the book really does just kind of put you
that mind, that mind frame of like stripping things back,
stripping things away, and just like really being aware of
yourself and what you want and where you want to go.
And I also think too that I also think too

(01:11:16):
that things are gonna don't always turn out the way
that you envision them in your head. I can assure
you that, uh, re Becca, I think you can echo
my sentiment that like, yeah, I mean, things don't we
have we from the time we are little and we

(01:11:38):
watch our first romantic movie, we have an idea of
what our lives are supposed to look like, and all
of a sudden we realize that maybe maybe we're not
that main character in the movie, or maybe it doesn't
look the same for us, or maybe our families different
than what their family looks like in the movie. And

(01:11:59):
I think the reality is that we're we're created to
make expectations for ourselves, and if we don't make those expectations,
we feel like we've failed or disappointed. But the truth
is is that you adjust to what works for your life,
and I think practicing the things that make you uncomfortable,
like make conversation. If you see a guy that you

(01:12:22):
think is cute, even if you're like, I'm not I'm
not going to marry this guy. But if you're like,
I find that guy cute and he seems like charming
and nice, like you hear him talking to someone else,
maybe approach him and start a conversation and challenge yourself
to make normal every day. You know, conversations with people
feel comfortable for you, because sometimes you have to practice

(01:12:45):
getting uncomfortable to eventually feel comfortable in certain situations. So
I think from what I've heard Tanya say that book
is a great way to start. But also you can't
just sit alone in your house reading the book and
doing those practices. You have to put things into action
and give out there. You have to try, you have
to fall, you have to get back up, you have

(01:13:08):
to try again. Sometimes you have to try for quite
some years, to be honest, But guess what, it all
works out that it's supposed to. I can assure you that, yes,
it'll all work out. Um, I know we have to
wrap it up here. I just have I have a
three very small and quick pieces of business we have.

(01:13:28):
We have another email from Jen. She wants to help
to convince her husband and name her child Easton. It's
the best name that's ever been invented. I've had a
lot of good luck with it. Jen. If you want
to d m me on Instagram, will send you a
power point you can give it to him. I've got
a lot of a lot of points there. I'm being
dead serious about that. Also, UM, Mark's not with us
because it's his daughter Ali's birthday. I want to wish

(01:13:49):
Alie a happy birthday. Um, happy birthday all rithday Alle.
I don't know if you'll listen to this, but your
dad's gonna have to um and uh. Then and last,
but not least, our dear friend Crystal is celebrating birthday
this week. We love Crystal so much and I hope
she has the best day ever. Just want to make
sure we wish your happy birthday on here. Oh we
love Crystal so much, Crystal. I hope that you're having

(01:14:13):
the most amazing birthday in the quarantine times. And I
can't wait to hug you again at our next meet
up or event where I get to see your beautiful
smiling face. I love you so much. I hope you
have the best birthday. Not only birthday, I hope that
this year is truly the best year of your life.

(01:14:36):
I'm gonna I'm gonna speak that out. I'm gonna speak
that out for you right now, right here, right now,
crystally make everyone's live around you so much better. You're
such a light. Uh. And you've been such a great
friend to Alison and I over the last year or so.
Um and just I hope you have the best day ever.
Everyone loves you. Everyone loves you. Uh. And then also,
if you guys want some scrubbing and merch, it's still available.

(01:15:00):
You just gotta go to my fan threads dot com
slash scrubbing in. There will be a link in the
episode description to this. A portion of all the merch
sold will be going to l a U. S D
to help those in need. And this merch kicks ass.
You gotta get some if you don't already. It the
pink crop sweater with the scrubbing in down the sleeve

(01:15:20):
is the coziest maybe the coziest piece of clothing I have. Um,
not a lot, because you have blanket pants, I know,
but it's it's like the perfect It's soft and it's
so soft, but it's not too thick and it's like breathable.
And I know a lot of people were talking about
the crops being a problem, but I will say I uh,

(01:15:42):
and I wear a crop tops, so maybe my opinion
means nothing. But I do feel like if you want
to size up it will it will be what you
want it to be. Um, So go check out the merch.
I feel like it's a limited time if you want
to be a part of the of the squaw to
wearing the merch, Now is the time and it's going

(01:16:04):
to it's going it's being donated to help people, So
it's it's really the best time to do it. Um
that they get on there, get that merch. Um, all right, ladies,
shall we shall we close it out? Yeah we have
it's time to say goodbye. But before we go, I

(01:16:25):
like the idea of next week doing it drunk. The
three of us with the Truth or Drink episode gets
really fun when should we do it? Like I don't know,
Like I feel like we should figure something out. Okay,
we'll talk about it, even if we just have a

(01:16:46):
cocktail while we record right right, like happy hour, like
we call it happy hour and scrubbing and listeners can
I don't know how it can be involved, but maybe
we can figure out a way how to involve them.
Maybe we make to the same drink and then we
say that they have to Yeah, this is the drink

(01:17:06):
of the week and they have all the ingredients to
make the drink of the week. Um yeah, So be
on the lookout all you aspiring mixologists out there. We're
gonna have a drink of the week for you. Um
all right, we love you guys, thanks for listening. Hope

(01:17:27):
you're all doing okay. We're thinking about you and we
love you. Love you.