October 31, 2024 • 40 mins
Becca is back from Louisiana and ready to team up with Tanya to become… BANYA! We’re answering your emails and (hopefully) sharing some good advice!
What do you do when you’re in love with your best friend?? How do you know when a relationship is *over*??
And we celebrate Becca’s birthday in the O.R.!!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rat An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Scrub a dumb a dumb.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
That had like a sensual jazz tone to it.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
I'm in my ovulatory phase, so I'm feeling a little
sexual and sensual today.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
Oh great, Thank you so much for sharing with you
all of us.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
You're so welcome.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Yeah, okay, well prepared for that information, but I do
appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Did I catch you off guard?
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Glad to know where you are? In your face? Yes,
I think I'm ludial?
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Oh yeah, pre period, Yes, a little in your feels
uh not feels a little dark. I was a little dark,
a little tired, very tired.
Speaker 5 (00:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
I also just got back from the Louisiana last night,
so I'm like very tired on.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Top of just ludial tired. She Oh that's rough. But
I'm so excited to be here with you. Are you
so excited?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Want to talk about your trip to Louisiana?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, so I went to Louisiana to see my nephew.
I if you are from the South, football is like
a culture in the South, Like it is like you
start him young, and it is game time from as
soon as they start flag football till they're you know,
beyond that. So I have four nephews and all of
(01:35):
them are in football, and I haven't I've gotten to
see a couple of them play here and there, but
they all play during the week, and this was the
last week that they all had a game when I
was there, so I was like, I'm just gonna head
out there and see them all play. So I got
to watch them all and it was so fun. My
sister Katie, she's my oldest sister. I'm just amazed by
(01:56):
what she does with five children. Honestly, it's the schedule
of getting the kids to school and then getting the
kids to practice, and she has a baby that's won
so she has a toddler that.
Speaker 4 (02:09):
She's chasing around.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I was like, I am exhausted when I've done a
couple loads of laundry.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah, seeing it first hand, I'm sure, because it's like
you can imagine it, but then seeing it first hand
takes it to a whole other level.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
We also, I'm one of five kids, but we were
all girls. We were four girls and a boy, so
we were like flipped that, so it's like the energy
is a little different. But also I was in it,
so I don't know what it was like being a
parent to it, but just thinking of the contrast of
my life and.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
Like the things that exhausted really were put into perspective.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Yeah, it's just like you don't even know.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Yeah, but she also is just like it's her, like
she loves it, It's what she wanted. So it's very
much just like, yeah, this is this is what this
is every day and I'm like, wow, so.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
You never aren't doing these things.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Yeah, it's pretty wild to like imagine, Like I feel
like trying to figure out my own schedule is challenging
in and of itself. Throwing in five other humans into
that mix is pretty wild.
Speaker 4 (03:14):
Crazy, But it was.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
It was really fun and my parents droven so I
got to see my parents too, so it was great.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
Good times. Got back last night and here we are.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
And you did you started celebrating your birthday.
Speaker 4 (03:26):
Oh oh my gosh, thank you for reminding me.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
So that's what I'm here for.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Just so, when I flew.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Into Louisiana, I got there at like eight at night,
and so normally the whole family comes to get me,
Like it's really cute because like everyone's there at the
airport when when you land, and it was like my mom,
my dad, my brother in law, one of my nephews,
and then the baby Harlowe and the vibe was kind
(03:54):
of weird, and I was like, did something happen?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Is ever?
Speaker 4 (03:58):
Like everyone was talking kind of.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Weird as they would as they would.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
And I asked my mom. I was like, is everything okay?
And she's like, yeah, yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
So then I get to their house and I walk
in and it's like dimly lit and there's like the most.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
Beautiful setup I know.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
So my sister and my mom are so talented and
like thoughtful and how they decorate and stuff. And it
was an early birthday celebration and she did it and
like it was inspired by love Shack Fancy and so it.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
Was like bows and like it was just so beautiful.
It literally looked like a work event dinner. Yeah, it
was so pretty.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
It was so cul So they surprised me and then
they got me a gift. I'm really wanting to do
a gallery wall in my house of just like random pieces,
like things that mean a lot to me, So like
framed art frame like that I did that like paint
by diamonds thing, you know, and like.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Oh so just not like photos, like all different photos.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
But then like I got this.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
I found this print that says Chateau mor Mom, which
is where Haley and I had like our drinks for
the first time. So I want to frame that, but
my mom and my sister got me a framed. It's
like the music for Hungry Heart, which is Hailey song
that she wrote about me. So it's like the framed
like uh music.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
Sheet, so like the what do you call it? Like
the chords or whatever? No, so she had asked.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I had told my mom that I wanted to do
a gallery wall, so they came up with doing like
the chords for or Katie called and asked Haley, what's
the song that means a lot, you know, a lot
to y'all, And Haley's like, well, I wrote this one
kind of.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
About us, so that makes me emotion.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
So it was really really special and if I felt
so loved because God look at me, I feel like.
Speaker 4 (05:38):
They were. They was just so.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Thoughtful and nice and unexpected and it meant a lot
to me. So it was a really fun, special way
to kick off my birthday and my nephews couldn't believe
I'm thirty six.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
So that felt nice too.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
That feels yeah, that's what they think you were twenty six.
Speaker 5 (05:54):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
He's like, I go, oh, what do you think?
Speaker 2 (05:56):
I was like twenty two, obviously kidding, and he goes, no,
like twenty like twenty nine.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
I was like, okay, think I'll take twenty nine.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Oh my gosh, that is so nice.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I know, it's really it was really really special. I
feel like my sister and my mom could have an
events company, Like if they lived out here, I would
hire them for so many things for like the things
that we do at home and stuff. Yeah, the dinners
you host alone at your home, you could really put
them to work.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Really could put them to work, because the aesthetic is
not my forte. The vibe and the food we got
that vibes and the food, but the decor is not.
I'm not a green.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Thumb speaking of we had a very exciting time at
your home celebrating. We celebrated a party at your house
because you said yes to the dress.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
I sure did.
Speaker 4 (06:49):
Wow, she has got the dress.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
She's got she's got the dress. Yes, it was really nice.
And you know, what's what I'm really like loving about
all of this is like there's something and I can't
even imagine what it's going to be like at my wedding.
But that's like the one thing everybody says about your
wedding that's so special is like seeing all the people
that you love the most like together and every step
(07:15):
along the way. Because it was like the dress appointment,
so I had you there, had Paulina there, my future
mother in law, my mom, and my sister, and having
you all there for that was like so special. And
then being able to like go home and have like
my dad and Robbie's dad and the kids and you know,
just like all of us together eating together, and his
(07:36):
cousin and his aunt. It was just like really really
special getting to just like see everybody interacting and like
you playing basketball with the boys and like them like
really bonding with you, and like, I don't know, just
like I'll never forget that night, you know. So I'm
just trying to like really like soak in all the
little moments because it's really really cool.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
Yeah, it was really fun.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
I love his kids.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
They're so cute and they're so well mannered, and I
was so impressed because one of them came up to
your mom and he was like, Oh, I didn't see
you come in.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
It's good to see you. And I was like, Oh,
how do you learn this?
Speaker 5 (08:13):
That this?
Speaker 4 (08:14):
I didn't know that they.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Did this still, so it's such a testament to how
they're being raised and the kind of boys they are.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
So that's so I didn't know that.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
That's really really cute.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Well, like, now that you feel like you have the dress,
do you feel like because that's like that's the official
thing that we've said like yes to so far.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Yeah, And that's like the thing that's the one thing
that everybody stressed me out about the most is the dress, Yeah,
just because it takes so long to get it. You know, like, really,
you can get married tomorrow if you wanted to. I
mean not really tomorrow, but like you can you could
get married. Yeah, true. But it's like the dress is
the thing that takes the longest, right because everything else
you can kind of line up and you know, flowers
(08:55):
and decor and food you kind of like, you know,
you can do closer to the date, but the dress
is the thing that you need like the most. Lead time, right,
So that was what was like really stressing me out.
So that was like a huge like check, you did it.
I did it well. And I'm really learning through this
process that I have. I'm very indecisive.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
Do you have libra? Are you libra in anywhere? Are
you anywhere in your chart?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
I don't know my chart. I'm just a cancer.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Oh my gosh, I is not you know what's your tati.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Misstating?
Speaker 4 (09:28):
Miss Tati is a fraud. I don't even know her.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Rising And now no, I'm coming there might be some libra.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Really, I have libracisive.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Yeah, I've never actually, no, I have been this way.
Like when it comes to dinner or stuff like that,
I always defer really to like whoever. Yes, I learned
that in Chicago. Yeah, but I've never thought of you
as being that way. And until that trip where I
was like, oh, like I'll know what I'll eat, Like
(10:01):
I know what I know what I'm going to order
when I go there.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Yeah, you're decisive on.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
What you get once you're there, but making the decision
and like correct the general group decision, you're not going
to be the one to do it correct.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
And I don't think that's a great quality to have
because some may say it's very go with the flow
and very like chill girl, which is great, but also
indecisive is kind of annoying.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
Well, it depends on who you're with.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
If you're with someone who's decisive, that being indecisive is
fine because they get to like lead the way. If
you're with another person who's indecisive, it's just in Chicago, yes, yeah,
and one of us has to step up. And that's
how Laura, my other best friend, is the same way.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
So I'll be like, what do you want to do?
Like she comes to visit, I'm like, where do you
want to go? What do you want to do? And
she's like, I'm good for anything. And I'm like, but
I live here, what do you right? She's like, whatever,
you do anything, So you know, we just go.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Around the circles. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
So anyways, well that's good to know going into wedding
planning because then you can be prepared for that.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I know. But I've like himmed in Hot a hundred
times about like bridesmaid dress colors and like it's like,
just decide. It's really not that big of a deal.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Yeah, No one cares about what dresses.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
They care about what dresses you guys are in.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
You won't, Yes, you do, you won't. Yeah, Like whatever
you choose is gonna be great?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Or will it?
Speaker 4 (11:26):
It will?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
There was a moment where I was an Emerald Green,
an Emerald Green bridesmaid bride. I was like, I'm not
an Emerald Green girl.
Speaker 6 (11:34):
Yeah, You're really not, And I was fully there was
like a four day period where you guys were all
in Emerald Green.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Well yeah, okay.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Well maybe maybe we passed some of those.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Maybe you have two decisions and then you let like
paul I feel like Pauline is a good.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Decision making, good decision making, and let her be the one.
Well she she also was signing off on the Emerald Green.
Speaker 4 (11:57):
So maybe I need to step again. It really practiced.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
It was like and even Sophia was like I love
Emerald Green. I was like great, everybody was like loving it.
And then I was like, I'm not an Emerald Green bride.
Speaker 4 (12:10):
Have you ever worn Emerald green? Never seen a.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Green right now? Which is kind of weird? Is his
mom green?
Speaker 5 (12:17):
Mom?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
And what is this?
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Jay?
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Uh?
Speaker 2 (12:21):
I don't know, like moss mossy green perfect?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
What I was going for but yeah, so I'm realizing
that about myself a lot in the past, Like i'd
say the past month, I've really been noticing it and
I don't love it about myself. So really going to
dig into that in therapy.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Well, it's like you almost have to start going.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
It's almost like you have to shift your mentality of
being decisive being a negative thing and being more like
if someone has an issue with what I'm going to
choose with my decision, then they need to speak up
about it.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Maybe it's a little bit of people pleaser in me
because they totally because.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
You think it's like, oh, I'm I'm just being easy
for everybody. No one can like say anything like oh
I was difficult because I'm just going with the flow.
Whereas if you just make a decision for me, if
someone's like this is what we're doing and this is
what time we're going, I'm like, I thank you right
for doing that.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
But it's weird. So I think that's what I think
my whole life, I've just been told like where to
be at what time and what to do? Do you
know what I mean? Like almost I don't want to
say show pony, but like a little bit like that,
and my wedding is like fully my responsibility, I mean,
me and Robbie, but it's like us, you know, and
so I'm like going into all these things of when
you do destination, like you feel really guilty about like
(13:38):
making people go somewhere, you know, and then you can
kind of go back and you're like, Okay, but this
is what we want, this is the vibe we want.
We love it here. But then you let all that
other stuff creep in and it's like it is it's
all about people pleasing, and then it like makes you
feel very indecisive and like I don't like it. Anyways,
After this podcast, I'm gonna go home and I'm just
make some decisions.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Yeah, A dear about them? Yeah, yes, thank you so firm.
You can do it, thank you, And I don't feel
good to do it. I think it's gonna feel good too,
because I've already decided I want you my bridesmaids, and
like cream, oh cream, what was it the color I
sent you?
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Like the kind of light pale yellow?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah? Yeah, cream, light pale yellow, yeah, water cream, butter cream, yes,
butter cream. That's that's the bride. I am a butter
cream brid butter cream bride with my butter cream brides maids.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Yeah, yeah, well I can't wait to see the butter
cream dressing it to You.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Can wear whatever you want.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Butter cream feels like a niche color to mine. So
byan decisiveness is about to flare up too, is it really?
Speaker 3 (14:47):
No?
Speaker 4 (14:47):
No, No, I'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I'm sure finding winding them and then dispersing the link.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Yeah, tell her to make a power point. Yeah, this
is what I envisioned.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
These are different options, everybody here, you go.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Well, I definitely will be needing a spread dance.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Before we go on to our dear Bonya. I would
like to acknowledge that it is a big birthday today.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
Yes, it was yesterday, so I would.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Like to I mean, it's just uh Becca and myself
and Emily in the room, so it's going to be
a bleak happy birthday. But nonetheless, we do we do
need to engage in the birthday songs. Yeah, every direction. Yeah,
so Emily take it away. Birthday here. Maybe let me
(15:34):
swing this over to you, so that's not dead air.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Happy birthday to you, Happy ber dear bac.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
Hap b birthday.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Did you make a wish.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Wait, those were trick candles. They're supposed to like back
up the tricky.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Way.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Hey, I got relight candles.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
They're supposed to That means you can relight them.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Oh I thought they were tricks so that they were
gonna keep lighting back on fire. Dang.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Shoot, I think they're just saying like, oh, you don't
have to you can use them again.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
Oh I thought I have funny I know.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
I thought we're gonna have a really funny maha moment,
and I just but.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Instead you get to take those and reuse and reuse me.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Do you want to make another wind? Did you make
a good wish?
Speaker 4 (16:42):
I mean a good wish you did?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Do you want to make another one? I can relight those.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
No, No, I feel like rewishing on the same candle
as bad luck, even though you can relight it.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
Are you superstitious like that you're doing now? Ever since
Jenna and Joe, who am I?
Speaker 4 (17:02):
I've imagined she would say don't take that on?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
She did, she'd probably say don't don't take that on?
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, And here I am too, tootooing my forehead.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Wowway, how was your back from Danny lifting you in
the Archer post.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 4 (17:18):
I feel great.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I think he, if anything, was really uh giving his all. Yes,
And I'm no Whitney Carson, so I don't think it
was just a quick little jaunt up for him.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Whitney, I was rewatching the video of her laying down
and she had her back arch so much that I
was like, my body does not do that from the
ground the strength, So Danny.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Told me to stay stiff as a board. I think,
or maybe it was just my leg.
Speaker 4 (17:47):
I think it was your life.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
But you committed because your back looked like it was
had a rod in it.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
It must have been really hard for him. Huh.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
He was like me nothing, because you're like thrust with
your hips. First.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
I watched this whole tutorial on it.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
You just like literally use everything he had to like pull.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
You straight up, and I'm like, you can do Yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
You were just like you got it. Come on anyway. Anyways,
it's a Dear Bonny episode. We just wanted to give
a life update.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
But we're gonna take a break and then we'll we'll
be back with the Dear Bonya. Wow, all right, we
(18:39):
are back. So it's just it's Tanya, me Emily, and
we're all just it's a girl's girl's world.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Here, girl's world. It's a girl's world, and you're lucky
to be living in it.
Speaker 4 (18:51):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh.
Speaker 5 (18:53):
I never I didn't sing you your song. Another year
has gone back and I'm still right by your side.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
That was so funny.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
I'll never forget that, Tanya saying it till Laura on
the couch when she is visiting, and Laura goes.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Oh, so.
Speaker 4 (19:17):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
This Dear Bonya is anonymous and the title.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
Is Feelings for a best Friend.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Hi, Bonya and Neaston, Mark and Easton need a ship
named too, but.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
They're not here.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Yeah, longtime listener. I love the podcast and all of you.
I have recently caught feelings for one of my best friends.
It's a female friend and we are both queer. I
do not know whether these feelings are reciprocated, and regardless,
I have no intention to act on these feelings or
tell her how I feel. This is for a myriad
of reasons, primarily because I do not want to ruin
the friendship. My question is, how do you get over
someone you never even got to be with? Have any
(19:53):
of you ever experienced this. I've been trying to go
on dates with other people, and I hope that if
I meet someone new, the feelings will fait. But I
find myself comparing new people to her, and I get
really caught up in the what ifs. We have such
a deep understanding of each other, and every time we
talk or catch up, these feelings resurface. I'm worried too,
that if I get into a relationship that it would
be unfair to this new person if I'm not over
(20:13):
my friend. But I also feel like that may be
the only way to move on.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
My advice might be not what she wants, but I
think go for it.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
I think so too, because guess what, spoiler alert.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
The minute she or you get into a relationship you relate,
your friendship is going to change no matter what, right Like,
That's just how it is, even in not not a
queer relationship, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
I do think it complicates things a little bit when
it is women like it is women being friends like,
because there's no excuse unless her new relationship, the person
she's in a relationship with, knows that she had feelings
for this friend. Then it becomes a problem because a
person's like you can't go and like have slumber parties
someone that you had strong feelings for, but if they
(21:01):
don't know, like if she just keeps it buried down,
It's like that fine line.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
It does have an interesting element. It does because I
feel like with male and female friendships, if you have
a great if you are into men and you have
a male best friend, the minute you get into a
relationship that a male friendship is yeah, totally changes.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
I mean, I mean, I'm not saying everybody.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Some people might be able to make that work, but
typically it's like there's just a shift.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
In the friendship.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yeah, like if you guys are tight hanging out every day,
like spoiler alert, you're not gonna hang out every day.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
But I agree, I think even if like take the
queerness out of it, if you were hanging out, like
I had a friend who was a.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Guy friend.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
He was one of my best friends, and he ended
up telling me he had feelings for me, and it
was just kind of like there was some space needed
to you know, move on from that and figure out
how to be friends after that information was shared. But
I think the ultimate thing was like I don't want
to lose this friendship. But I think it was important
that he told me how he felt, because if you
(22:04):
don't say anything, how will you ever know?
Speaker 4 (22:06):
And you like the what is?
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Could you imagine living with that?
Speaker 4 (22:09):
What if that's what I'm saying? I mean?
Speaker 2 (22:11):
And you might tell her and she she might be like, oh,
I feel the same way.
Speaker 4 (22:15):
I was so scared. I didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Or she might be like, you know what, I love
you so much, but I don't see you in a
romantic way, but take the space you need. And I'm
always like, we're always gonna be friends, you know. I
think it's just it's going to weigh on you and
eat at you if you don't say something.
Speaker 4 (22:30):
So I say go for it.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Yeah, because like, play out both sides the worst that
can happen, and she doesn't have feelings for you, and
then you never have to live in that what is?
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Yeah, then you can really move on because then you
don't feel guilty about thinking about what could have happened.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
And then the best case scenario, she feels the same way,
and then you could have the greatest love story of
all time.
Speaker 4 (22:50):
Or she might be like, oh my gosh, I've never
I need some time. I've never thought of about it. Yeah,
and she thinks say that I do have feelings for you,
so I think you say something.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
I think you say something, and good luck.
Speaker 4 (23:01):
Please report back.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Yeah, do you want to do the next?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Next one feels girthy.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
It's a sister in law wedding drama.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Which, oh, okay, let's see. My name is Patrick and
my wife, Jessica, is a longtime listener, and now I'll
also listen when we're traveling or just hanging out on
the weekend.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I am thirty three years old and my wife is
thirty one. My wife's sister is my age and is
getting married in September. My wife's sister, so his sister's drama. Oh, right,
before I start. My wife's sister, who is getting married,
can be a lot. She has an old time friend
that she has made her man of honor. I'm pretty
sure they had a fling before she met her now fiance.
(23:43):
She's including him and all of the things. My wife's
other sister is the actual maid of honor, so no
one knows what this man's rule actually is. He's in
group text and making things uncomfy. By the sounds of it.
By talking about getting drunk, et cetera. The bride invited
this guy to the bachelorette party that is taking place
over a weekend in Michigan. My wife is uncomfortable with
(24:05):
a straight male whom neither of us has met, going
to this bachelorette party where it was thought to be her,
her other sisters, and a couple of the bride's friends.
It is understandable why everyone is uncomfortable with this situation.
I am uncomfortable with this random guy trying to get
super drunk around my wife and my sisters. Am I
being overprotective over my wife? Or should I tell the
(24:27):
bride he's got to go? Because this is very weird
behavior to have a guy that you might have had
a fling with be your man of honor. I also
think it's disrespectful to the bride soon to be husband.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
Ooh, this is interesting.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Patrick. I love you because you're a scrubber. This is
so not your place. What do you mean it's not
his place. It's his sister in law's wedding. If she
wants this man of honor, that's her call. It's not
his call. If his wife doesn't want to go to
the bachelorette because's uncomfortable. That's her call, that's her decision.
He can't step in here. He's gonna be I think,
(25:03):
not gonna be good.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
I think if your wife is having an issue with
it and she doesn't feel comfortable going, I think that's
a conversation that she needs to have with her sister
so that there's just.
Speaker 4 (25:15):
Boundaries set and there.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
It's like it's not coming from like the chain the
telephone game of like I feel uncomfortable, my husband feels uncomfortable,
so I'm gonna say this.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
You know, it's more like I feel uncomfortable. I know
this is your.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Friend, but I don't really understand it's gonna be a
bunch of women celebrating you and bringing in a straight
man makes me feel a little bit like uncomfortable in
this situation. So I might sit this one out and
that will probably cause some tension and drama.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
It's also her prerogative, Yeah it is, but.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
I think it's both of their I think it's the
sister's prerogative. But I think if they're all sharing, like
are they getting are they getting a house?
Speaker 4 (25:53):
Is it like that is taking place over a weekend?
It's a whole weekend, right, it's a bacherette weekend.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
They're going away and.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
The house. Yeah, I don't know. How do you feel
like Robbie would think if you were?
Speaker 1 (26:09):
If you if I'm I'm gonna invite Brad.
Speaker 4 (26:12):
He's on straight though.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
True, that is true.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Like, let's say you invited someone that you went on
a date a few dates with.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
Or had feelings for.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Who would that be?
Speaker 2 (26:24):
I don't know one of your doctor screen time, doctor W,
doctor W. What would he do if you were like
I really want doctor W to be at my bachelorette party,
and I.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Just would never do that.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
I would never do that.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
But what I'm saying is again it's the husband should
step in and say, hey, I don't want this bro
coming to your going to your bacherette. Like it's on
the husband, it's not on the brother in law.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I actually guess, yeah, if the husband or current fiance
is okay with it, Yeah, I guess to each his
own CORECT maybe.
Speaker 4 (26:55):
The open relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Like you don't know the inner workings of that. So
I say, Patrick, we love you, and we love you
so much.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
We love you so much, and we love your respect,
we love your concern.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
For the situation, concern, and we love you, but.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
I think this is for your sister and her sister. Yeah,
and that is for the groom and the bride.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Yeah, you gotta tap out, you gotta say.
Speaker 4 (27:18):
I also agree that it's weird, right, it is very weird.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I just couldn't even picture. I could not picture. I
couldn't picture it.
Speaker 4 (27:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
No, not even a guy that I went on dates with,
just like even a guy friend. I don't even have
any guys like Robert Graham. We always always go back
to Robert Graham. Imagine I invited Robert Graham to my
bachelor atte party.
Speaker 4 (27:42):
That'd be uncle rule for.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Many, right, right, But anyway, love you, Patrick.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
Love you, Patrick. Good luck.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Okay, we're gonna take a break and we have another
one coming and it's the title is seven year Relationship Ending.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Oh man, all right, we are back.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
So this one is from anonymous and it says, last week,
very unexpectedly, my girlfriend of over seven years told me
she wanted a break from our relationship. We've both been
going through a lot lately. We recently moved across the
country to a new city, and she's been struggling to
make new friends, on top of having to cut off
communication with her parents for their toxic behavior. For me,
(28:34):
work has been very stressful and has taken up a
lot of energy, and I feel completely out of my
comfort zone since moving.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Despite this, I thought we were solid.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
We've been through a lot together and we've always come
out of the other side closer and stronger. But last
week she told me she felt like something in our
relationship is missing and that we can't give each other
what we need. She feels like I don't fully understand
how difficult things have been for her and that she.
Speaker 4 (28:55):
Can't lean on me.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
She asked for a three month break, but to me,
it just sounds like she wants to end things.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
I am utterly devastated.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I know I've struggled to be the best version of
myself lately, juggling work and adjusting to the move.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
But I love her so much and there's nothing I
wouldn't do for her.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
We've built a beautiful life together that is so intertwined.
I'm terrified of what the future looks like without her
in it. She's the first woman I've ever been with
and the only person I've ever loved. I can't imagine
ever having a love like this again. I feel like
my life is over. I don't know what to do.
I booked a flight home to my parents the day
after she broke up with me, and the only thing
that kept me from being a complete and total mess
on the plane was your podcast. Oh thank you back
(29:31):
to Tanya, Mark and Easton for the comfort and.
Speaker 4 (29:33):
Laughter you all provide. First of all, I'm so sorry
this is ok here.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Is this a guy or a girl? We don't know.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
I'm guessing a woman, but.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
We don't know.
Speaker 4 (29:46):
We don't know.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
I was gonna say.
Speaker 4 (29:49):
She's the first woman I've ever been with, so I'm assuming.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Okay, yeah, yeah, context clear, there you go. Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
I think seven years to invest in a relationship is
going to be devastating, no matter what the ending is
or who you are or why it ended. I think
it's just it's devastating. I think when you put that
much knowing what it takes to have a good relationship
and the effort and like the energy that you put
(30:20):
into a relationship to know that it can be over
and it's not your choice is a really.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Devastating. Yeah, it's really traumatized.
Speaker 4 (30:32):
And yeah, I just think.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
It's it's part of life because you see how resilient
you are. And I think in your mind right now,
like you said, do you feel like your life is over?
But this might be the beginning of something amazing for you.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Let me tell you something, Anonymous, you deserve so much
better than someone that's gonna be with you for seven
years and then ask for a three month break. I'm sorry,
you deserve better than that. It's been seven years, but
you're looking for seventy years. You're looking for the person
that can take you the full lifetime. And this is
not her. She is not worth your time, she is
(31:06):
not worth your energy wanting a break. I'm sorry. That's
not what a relationship is. Yeah, I can't just say
I sorry, I ney a three month break and then
I'll get back to you.
Speaker 6 (31:14):
Like.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
No, I'm not like a I'm not a pink carton
of milk in the refrigerator you can just put aside
and then come back to me when I spoiled. Spoiled, Yeah,
milk wasn't the right Uh.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
I'm not a bottle of wine.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
I'm not a pair of winter boots that you can
just put in the back of the closet. During summer
and then just after three months bring them back out
and wear them again.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
Right, Yeah, you can't do that. You're not that.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
You're so much better than that, And that is a
that that partner is somebody that is weak, and you
deserve somebody that is strong.
Speaker 4 (31:44):
I think that.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
I also think that it sounds like y'all have recently
gone through a lot, and I don't know if.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
Y'all have tried couples therapy, but I also think if
she didn't.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
First of all, I think asking for a three month
break is strange because why three months?
Speaker 1 (31:58):
There's something there, Like there's something there that we don't know.
The three month break makes me feel like she wants
to have her cake and.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Eat Yeah, Like, what are the boundaries of a break.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Dance?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
What does a break look like? Because it sounds like
if she wants to be broken up, she needs to
be very clear with you because you shouldn't even hold
on to hope that there's going to be a rekindling
if that's not her intention. And I also think that
I had a friend who was with her girlfriend for
I think like five years and they broke up and
within a year she met the love of her life
(32:32):
and literally just got married yesterday, my friend Sierra, and
it was like there was a sense of, oh my gosh,
I'm devastated. This is you know, ended, and but then
something beautiful came of it and they're both happy. You know,
they're both split up, but they're both happy.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
And sometimes look at people who get people get divorced,
they're married, they go through a really bad breakup, they
go through divorce, and then their lives are even better
post divorced. They didn't even think that it could be
loved like that. Yeah, So I think that this is.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
I think let yourself grieve your relationship and let the people,
let your parents, the people who support you and love
you like really surround you right now, and really learn
how to be by yourself during this time, because this
is a chance to learn who you are and what
you're looking like, because all you've known for seven years
is the person you were with this person. And I
(33:25):
think that it's okay to be sad right now, and
it's also okay to be hopeful that something better is coming.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I agree, And we love you. We love you so much, Anonymous,
so much, all right, Tanya from Ashlynn, Hello Tanya Beckham
Mark and Easton. First, I wanted to say thank you
for this podcast. I listen in weekly and it always
brightens my day. Also, I would like to say I'm
a Tanya todt Hey. I feel like I'm a Tanya
(33:52):
when she was single before Robbie, and we seem to
have a lot of similarities. I'm thirty one and living
on my own and I have been through a dating
role coaster that I can't seem to get off of,
though I have done all dating apps, been to speed dating, singles,
night events at bars and restaurants, a dinner event with
seven strangers. Sadly, four out of the seven strangers were married,
(34:14):
and this totally sounds like me. And I've even hired
a matchmaker, which hasn't been going well. Wow. I'm looking
for a man in the same stage of life as me. Single,
career driven, ambitious, no kids, but wants kids and marriage
and good personality and family oriented. My question is for Tanya,
when you were dating, did you have a set criteria
that you were looking for in a partner, i e.
(34:36):
No kids or some religion upbringing. And if you did
have a set criteria, when did you start opening up
the criteria to meet more men that you weren't necessarily dating,
but then ultimately led you to finally find Robbie. Please help.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
I feel like there is a podcast episode that someone
sent us where you were like, divorced with kids is
total like you were not that was totally fine for you.
That was never like a criteria.
Speaker 6 (35:02):
Breathing alive, single single, single, breathing alive, wears clothes in public,
has a job.
Speaker 5 (35:17):
You know.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
My criteria was basic. Could not have been more basic.
So really, my advice to you is, let's not have criteria.
Let's throw caution to the wind and not set up
those boundaries because guess what you're gonna I do feel
like at one point I did have a list. Remember
(35:37):
my list was like what.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
I of all my dream man?
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Right, your dream man? Right, You're it comes at too fast.
My list was at the top of my list was
Christian man. And I end up not marrying a Jewish man.
So let's just put the lists away, I know. And
it's so funny because it's like that's what the I
feel like. That's the guest piece of advice people give
(36:01):
you is like, how are you gonna find someone? If
you don't know what you're looking for, you know, like
you would never go for a job without a job listing.
And I'm like, okay, so everybody makes you make this
list and you're setting yourself up for failure because it's
not about the list. It's not about that stuff, like
it really isn't. It's about the person and the human
(36:22):
being that they are, Like that is your soulmate, that
is the person that you're connected to on a such
a deeper level. All that other stuff fits in into play,
and you learn how to navigate if there are certain
things that maybe don't gel or fit the way that
you want them to. But I feel like that's like
the biggest thing is you know what was her criteria?
(36:43):
And her criteria was no kids, but wants kids in marriage,
a good personality and family. It's a lot, you know, yeah,
I mean career driven, ambitious, Like you maybe might find
someone that is not all of these things. You might
find someone that already has kids and wants more.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
I also think though, that like a lot of people,
once they meet someone that they just connect with, like
you said, the list goes out the window and they're
still like the mentality is like, oh my gosh, this
person is everything I was looking for, but not according
to their list. They're just it's everything they were looking
for in terms of what they envisioned themselves being like
in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
And I think that the list hold us back because
we have this unrealistic thing of.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I wish you still had your list.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
I'm sure I could find one somewhere like plays football,
No watches football.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
I don't think that was ever was never on your list.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
I'm shook by that.
Speaker 2 (37:38):
No, oh wow, No, football wasn't on there. But like religion,
you know, someone Christian wanted kids, Like all the things
that I just think that I was supposed to want
were on there, right, And like, like I said, life
came quickly, like came in like a wrecking ball on
that list, and I I just think that, like now
(38:01):
I look at the what you feel like you want,
and I look at my relationship with Halene, and I'm like,
oh my gosh, this is even better than I ever
imagined a relationship being like I always thought i'd be
someone who really needed my space and yeah, felt claustrophobic
in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Really probably had on your list, like lives in City
lives in New York City, myos coastal.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
And I just think that what happens is you find
someone like you found Robbie, and it's like he's everything
that you wanted. But if you had listed out who
he was, maybe on paper he wanted him.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
And you know what's crazy. I think about this all
the time because he necessarily wasn't what I wanted on paper?
Do you know what I mean? Like on my list?
What if I'd never gone on that first date with Robbie.
I knew on my first date with Robbie that I
didn't know for sure I was going to marry the guy,
but I knew on our first date that it was
like so different, Like I knew, like literally I had
(38:54):
like visceral reactions in my body. And had I knock
gone on that date because he didn't fit my criteria
my lists, who knows what I'd be doing right now?
Speaker 4 (39:03):
I know it's so true. So I say to anonymous, like, no,
it's Ashlan.
Speaker 1 (39:07):
Actually, oh, I.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
Say to Ashlin, let yourself like be free from the list.
Speaker 4 (39:14):
Free from the list. If not now, when? If not you? Who?
If not here? Where?
Speaker 1 (39:21):
If not now? Never?
Speaker 4 (39:23):
Well nod? If not now when?
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Shoot?
Speaker 4 (39:26):
So we don't know.
Speaker 1 (39:28):
Not today, not tomorrow.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
No, no, that's not out.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Not tomorrow today, not tomorrow today. Sure, yeah, it's time, Ashlin, Yes,
it's time that you are thirty one. You are stepping
out of your criteria and list and who knows what
if you have a man that's your list and you
end up with a woman.
Speaker 4 (39:47):
Yeah, Ashlynn, you don't know, Ashlin.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
I want you to physically throw the list out the window,
whip it out, and then go pick it up and
throw it in the trash.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
But get rid of it, get rid of the the list.
It's about the being. It's about the being and the connection.
You can't you can't write that stuff down on paper.
Speaker 4 (40:08):
You can't write it down.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
You really can't. Once you feel it in the vagina, yeah,
it takes over.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
The list is out the door once it's in the vagina.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 5 (40:19):
All right.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Well, in that note, we are done with today's episode
of Dear Bonio, but we will be back next week
and you can dm us on Instagram at scrubbing in
pot or email us at scrubbing in iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 4 (40:30):
Tanya, it was a pleasure, pleasure was almos No no, no, no,
no no no no.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
I can eat the cake.
Speaker 4 (40:37):
Well, I'm gonna take it home. Yeah, I have to
eat lunch.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
Yeah all right. Love you by
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rat An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Scrub a dumb a dumb.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
That had like a sensual jazz tone to it.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
I'm in my ovulatory phase, so I'm feeling a little
sexual and sensual today.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
Oh great, Thank you so much for sharing with you
all of us.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
You're so welcome.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Yeah, okay, well prepared for that information, but I do
appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Did I catch you off guard?
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Glad to know where you are? In your face? Yes,
I think I'm ludial?
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Oh yeah, pre period, Yes, a little in your feels
uh not feels a little dark. I was a little dark,
a little tired, very tired.
Speaker 5 (00:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
I also just got back from the Louisiana last night,
so I'm like very tired on.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Top of just ludial tired. She Oh that's rough. But
I'm so excited to be here with you. Are you
so excited?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Want to talk about your trip to Louisiana?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, so I went to Louisiana to see my nephew.
I if you are from the South, football is like
a culture in the South, Like it is like you
start him young, and it is game time from as
soon as they start flag football till they're you know,
beyond that. So I have four nephews and all of
(01:35):
them are in football, and I haven't I've gotten to
see a couple of them play here and there, but
they all play during the week, and this was the
last week that they all had a game when I
was there, so I was like, I'm just gonna head
out there and see them all play. So I got
to watch them all and it was so fun. My
sister Katie, she's my oldest sister. I'm just amazed by
(01:56):
what she does with five children. Honestly, it's the schedule
of getting the kids to school and then getting the
kids to practice, and she has a baby that's won
so she has a toddler that.
Speaker 4 (02:09):
She's chasing around.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I was like, I am exhausted when I've done a
couple loads of laundry.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah, seeing it first hand, I'm sure, because it's like
you can imagine it, but then seeing it first hand
takes it to a whole other level.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
We also, I'm one of five kids, but we were
all girls. We were four girls and a boy, so
we were like flipped that, so it's like the energy
is a little different. But also I was in it,
so I don't know what it was like being a
parent to it, but just thinking of the contrast of
my life and.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
Like the things that exhausted really were put into perspective.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Yeah, it's just like you don't even know.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Yeah, but she also is just like it's her, like
she loves it, It's what she wanted. So it's very
much just like, yeah, this is this is what this
is every day and I'm like, wow, so.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
You never aren't doing these things.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Yeah, it's pretty wild to like imagine, Like I feel
like trying to figure out my own schedule is challenging
in and of itself. Throwing in five other humans into
that mix is pretty wild.
Speaker 4 (03:14):
Crazy, But it was.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
It was really fun and my parents droven so I
got to see my parents too, so it was great.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
Good times. Got back last night and here we are.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
And you did you started celebrating your birthday.
Speaker 4 (03:26):
Oh oh my gosh, thank you for reminding me.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
So that's what I'm here for.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Just so, when I flew.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Into Louisiana, I got there at like eight at night,
and so normally the whole family comes to get me,
Like it's really cute because like everyone's there at the
airport when when you land, and it was like my mom,
my dad, my brother in law, one of my nephews,
and then the baby Harlowe and the vibe was kind
(03:54):
of weird, and I was like, did something happen?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Is ever?
Speaker 4 (03:58):
Like everyone was talking kind of.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Weird as they would as they would.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
And I asked my mom. I was like, is everything okay?
And she's like, yeah, yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
So then I get to their house and I walk
in and it's like dimly lit and there's like the most.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
Beautiful setup I know.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
So my sister and my mom are so talented and
like thoughtful and how they decorate and stuff. And it
was an early birthday celebration and she did it and
like it was inspired by love Shack Fancy and so it.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
Was like bows and like it was just so beautiful.
It literally looked like a work event dinner. Yeah, it
was so pretty.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
It was so cul So they surprised me and then
they got me a gift. I'm really wanting to do
a gallery wall in my house of just like random pieces,
like things that mean a lot to me, So like
framed art frame like that I did that like paint
by diamonds thing, you know, and like.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Oh so just not like photos, like all different photos.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
But then like I got this.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
I found this print that says Chateau mor Mom, which
is where Haley and I had like our drinks for
the first time. So I want to frame that, but
my mom and my sister got me a framed. It's
like the music for Hungry Heart, which is Hailey song
that she wrote about me. So it's like the framed
like uh music.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
Sheet, so like the what do you call it? Like
the chords or whatever? No, so she had asked.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I had told my mom that I wanted to do
a gallery wall, so they came up with doing like
the chords for or Katie called and asked Haley, what's
the song that means a lot, you know, a lot
to y'all, And Haley's like, well, I wrote this one
kind of.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
About us, so that makes me emotion.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
So it was really really special and if I felt
so loved because God look at me, I feel like.
Speaker 4 (05:38):
They were. They was just so.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Thoughtful and nice and unexpected and it meant a lot
to me. So it was a really fun, special way
to kick off my birthday and my nephews couldn't believe
I'm thirty six.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
So that felt nice too.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
That feels yeah, that's what they think you were twenty six.
Speaker 5 (05:54):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
He's like, I go, oh, what do you think?
Speaker 2 (05:56):
I was like twenty two, obviously kidding, and he goes, no,
like twenty like twenty nine.
Speaker 4 (06:00):
I was like, okay, think I'll take twenty nine.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Oh my gosh, that is so nice.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I know, it's really it was really really special. I
feel like my sister and my mom could have an
events company, Like if they lived out here, I would
hire them for so many things for like the things
that we do at home and stuff. Yeah, the dinners
you host alone at your home, you could really put
them to work.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Really could put them to work, because the aesthetic is
not my forte. The vibe and the food we got
that vibes and the food, but the decor is not.
I'm not a green.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
Thumb speaking of we had a very exciting time at
your home celebrating. We celebrated a party at your house
because you said yes to the dress.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
I sure did.
Speaker 4 (06:49):
Wow, she has got the dress.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
She's got she's got the dress. Yes, it was really nice.
And you know, what's what I'm really like loving about
all of this is like there's something and I can't
even imagine what it's going to be like at my wedding.
But that's like the one thing everybody says about your
wedding that's so special is like seeing all the people
that you love the most like together and every step
(07:15):
along the way. Because it was like the dress appointment,
so I had you there, had Paulina there, my future
mother in law, my mom, and my sister, and having
you all there for that was like so special. And
then being able to like go home and have like
my dad and Robbie's dad and the kids and you know,
just like all of us together eating together, and his
(07:36):
cousin and his aunt. It was just like really really
special getting to just like see everybody interacting and like
you playing basketball with the boys and like them like
really bonding with you, and like, I don't know, just
like I'll never forget that night, you know. So I'm
just trying to like really like soak in all the
little moments because it's really really cool.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
Yeah, it was really fun.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:57):
I love his kids.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
They're so cute and they're so well mannered, and I
was so impressed because one of them came up to
your mom and he was like, Oh, I didn't see
you come in.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
It's good to see you. And I was like, Oh,
how do you learn this?
Speaker 5 (08:13):
That this?
Speaker 4 (08:14):
I didn't know that they.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Did this still, so it's such a testament to how
they're being raised and the kind of boys they are.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
So that's so I didn't know that.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
That's really really cute.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Well, like, now that you feel like you have the dress,
do you feel like because that's like that's the official
thing that we've said like yes to so far.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Yeah, And that's like the thing that's the one thing
that everybody stressed me out about the most is the dress, Yeah,
just because it takes so long to get it. You know, like, really,
you can get married tomorrow if you wanted to. I
mean not really tomorrow, but like you can you could
get married. Yeah, true. But it's like the dress is
the thing that takes the longest, right because everything else
you can kind of line up and you know, flowers
(08:55):
and decor and food you kind of like, you know,
you can do closer to the date, but the dress
is the thing that you need like the most. Lead time, right,
So that was what was like really stressing me out.
So that was like a huge like check, you did it.
I did it well. And I'm really learning through this
process that I have. I'm very indecisive.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
Do you have libra? Are you libra in anywhere? Are
you anywhere in your chart?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
I don't know my chart. I'm just a cancer.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Oh my gosh, I is not you know what's your tati.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Misstating?
Speaker 4 (09:28):
Miss Tati is a fraud. I don't even know her.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Rising And now no, I'm coming there might be some libra.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Really, I have libracisive.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Yeah, I've never actually, no, I have been this way.
Like when it comes to dinner or stuff like that,
I always defer really to like whoever. Yes, I learned
that in Chicago. Yeah, but I've never thought of you
as being that way. And until that trip where I
was like, oh, like I'll know what I'll eat, Like
(10:01):
I know what I know what I'm going to order
when I go there.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
Yeah, you're decisive on.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
What you get once you're there, but making the decision
and like correct the general group decision, you're not going
to be the one to do it correct.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
And I don't think that's a great quality to have
because some may say it's very go with the flow
and very like chill girl, which is great, but also
indecisive is kind of annoying.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
Well, it depends on who you're with.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
If you're with someone who's decisive, that being indecisive is
fine because they get to like lead the way. If
you're with another person who's indecisive, it's just in Chicago, yes, yeah,
and one of us has to step up. And that's
how Laura, my other best friend, is the same way.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
So I'll be like, what do you want to do?
Like she comes to visit, I'm like, where do you
want to go? What do you want to do? And
she's like, I'm good for anything. And I'm like, but
I live here, what do you right? She's like, whatever,
you do anything, So you know, we just go.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Around the circles. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
So anyways, well that's good to know going into wedding
planning because then you can be prepared for that.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I know. But I've like himmed in Hot a hundred
times about like bridesmaid dress colors and like it's like,
just decide. It's really not that big of a deal.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Yeah, No one cares about what dresses.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
They care about what dresses you guys are in.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
You won't, Yes, you do, you won't. Yeah, Like whatever
you choose is gonna be great?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Or will it?
Speaker 4 (11:26):
It will?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
There was a moment where I was an Emerald Green,
an Emerald Green bridesmaid bride. I was like, I'm not
an Emerald Green girl.
Speaker 6 (11:34):
Yeah, You're really not, And I was fully there was
like a four day period where you guys were all
in Emerald Green.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Well yeah, okay.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Well maybe maybe we passed some of those.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Maybe you have two decisions and then you let like
paul I feel like Pauline is a good.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Decision making, good decision making, and let her be the one.
Well she she also was signing off on the Emerald Green.
Speaker 4 (11:57):
So maybe I need to step again. It really practiced.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
It was like and even Sophia was like I love
Emerald Green. I was like great, everybody was like loving it.
And then I was like, I'm not an Emerald Green bride.
Speaker 4 (12:10):
Have you ever worn Emerald green? Never seen a.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Green right now? Which is kind of weird? Is his
mom green?
Speaker 5 (12:17):
Mom?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
And what is this?
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Jay?
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Uh?
Speaker 2 (12:21):
I don't know, like moss mossy green perfect?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
What I was going for but yeah, so I'm realizing
that about myself a lot in the past, Like i'd
say the past month, I've really been noticing it and
I don't love it about myself. So really going to
dig into that in therapy.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Well, it's like you almost have to start going.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
It's almost like you have to shift your mentality of
being decisive being a negative thing and being more like
if someone has an issue with what I'm going to
choose with my decision, then they need to speak up
about it.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Maybe it's a little bit of people pleaser in me
because they totally because.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
You think it's like, oh, I'm I'm just being easy
for everybody. No one can like say anything like oh
I was difficult because I'm just going with the flow.
Whereas if you just make a decision for me, if
someone's like this is what we're doing and this is
what time we're going, I'm like, I thank you right
for doing that.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
But it's weird. So I think that's what I think
my whole life, I've just been told like where to
be at what time and what to do? Do you
know what I mean? Like almost I don't want to
say show pony, but like a little bit like that,
and my wedding is like fully my responsibility, I mean,
me and Robbie, but it's like us, you know, and
so I'm like going into all these things of when
you do destination, like you feel really guilty about like
(13:38):
making people go somewhere, you know, and then you can
kind of go back and you're like, Okay, but this
is what we want, this is the vibe we want.
We love it here. But then you let all that
other stuff creep in and it's like it is it's
all about people pleasing, and then it like makes you
feel very indecisive and like I don't like it. Anyways,
After this podcast, I'm gonna go home and I'm just
make some decisions.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Yeah, A dear about them? Yeah, yes, thank you so firm.
You can do it, thank you, And I don't feel
good to do it. I think it's gonna feel good too,
because I've already decided I want you my bridesmaids, and
like cream, oh cream, what was it the color I
sent you?
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Like the kind of light pale yellow?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah? Yeah, cream, light pale yellow, yeah, water cream, butter cream, yes,
butter cream. That's that's the bride. I am a butter
cream brid butter cream bride with my butter cream brides maids.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Yeah, yeah, well I can't wait to see the butter
cream dressing it to You.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Can wear whatever you want.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Butter cream feels like a niche color to mine. So
byan decisiveness is about to flare up too, is it really?
Speaker 3 (14:47):
No?
Speaker 4 (14:47):
No, No, I'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
I'm sure finding winding them and then dispersing the link.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Yeah, tell her to make a power point. Yeah, this
is what I envisioned.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
These are different options, everybody here, you go.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Well, I definitely will be needing a spread dance.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Before we go on to our dear Bonya. I would
like to acknowledge that it is a big birthday today.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
Yes, it was yesterday, so I would.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Like to I mean, it's just uh Becca and myself
and Emily in the room, so it's going to be
a bleak happy birthday. But nonetheless, we do we do
need to engage in the birthday songs. Yeah, every direction. Yeah,
so Emily take it away. Birthday here. Maybe let me
(15:34):
swing this over to you, so that's not dead air.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Happy birthday to you, Happy ber dear bac.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
Hap b birthday.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Did you make a wish.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Wait, those were trick candles. They're supposed to like back
up the tricky.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Way.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Hey, I got relight candles.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
They're supposed to That means you can relight them.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Oh I thought they were tricks so that they were
gonna keep lighting back on fire. Dang.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Shoot, I think they're just saying like, oh, you don't
have to you can use them again.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
Oh I thought I have funny I know.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
I thought we're gonna have a really funny maha moment,
and I just but.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Instead you get to take those and reuse and reuse me.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Do you want to make another wind? Did you make
a good wish?
Speaker 4 (16:42):
I mean a good wish you did?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Do you want to make another one? I can relight those.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
No, No, I feel like rewishing on the same candle
as bad luck, even though you can relight it.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
Are you superstitious like that you're doing now? Ever since
Jenna and Joe, who am I?
Speaker 4 (17:02):
I've imagined she would say don't take that on?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
She did, she'd probably say don't don't take that on?
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, And here I am too, tootooing my forehead.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Wowway, how was your back from Danny lifting you in
the Archer post.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 4 (17:18):
I feel great.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I think he, if anything, was really uh giving his all. Yes,
And I'm no Whitney Carson, so I don't think it
was just a quick little jaunt up for him.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Whitney, I was rewatching the video of her laying down
and she had her back arch so much that I
was like, my body does not do that from the
ground the strength, So Danny.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Told me to stay stiff as a board. I think,
or maybe it was just my leg.
Speaker 4 (17:47):
I think it was your life.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
But you committed because your back looked like it was
had a rod in it.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
It must have been really hard for him. Huh.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
He was like me nothing, because you're like thrust with
your hips. First.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
I watched this whole tutorial on it.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
You just like literally use everything he had to like pull.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
You straight up, and I'm like, you can do Yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
You were just like you got it. Come on anyway. Anyways,
it's a Dear Bonny episode. We just wanted to give
a life update.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
But we're gonna take a break and then we'll we'll
be back with the Dear Bonya. Wow, all right, we
(18:39):
are back. So it's just it's Tanya, me Emily, and
we're all just it's a girl's girl's world.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Here, girl's world. It's a girl's world, and you're lucky
to be living in it.
Speaker 4 (18:51):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh.
Speaker 5 (18:53):
I never I didn't sing you your song. Another year
has gone back and I'm still right by your side.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
That was so funny.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
I'll never forget that, Tanya saying it till Laura on
the couch when she is visiting, and Laura goes.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Oh, so.
Speaker 4 (19:17):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
This Dear Bonya is anonymous and the title.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
Is Feelings for a best Friend.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Hi, Bonya and Neaston, Mark and Easton need a ship
named too, but.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
They're not here.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Yeah, longtime listener. I love the podcast and all of you.
I have recently caught feelings for one of my best friends.
It's a female friend and we are both queer. I
do not know whether these feelings are reciprocated, and regardless,
I have no intention to act on these feelings or
tell her how I feel. This is for a myriad
of reasons, primarily because I do not want to ruin
the friendship. My question is, how do you get over
someone you never even got to be with? Have any
(19:53):
of you ever experienced this. I've been trying to go
on dates with other people, and I hope that if
I meet someone new, the feelings will fait. But I
find myself comparing new people to her, and I get
really caught up in the what ifs. We have such
a deep understanding of each other, and every time we
talk or catch up, these feelings resurface. I'm worried too,
that if I get into a relationship that it would
be unfair to this new person if I'm not over
(20:13):
my friend. But I also feel like that may be
the only way to move on.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
My advice might be not what she wants, but I
think go for it.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
I think so too, because guess what, spoiler alert.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
The minute she or you get into a relationship you relate,
your friendship is going to change no matter what, right Like,
That's just how it is, even in not not a
queer relationship, you know.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
I do think it complicates things a little bit when
it is women like it is women being friends like,
because there's no excuse unless her new relationship, the person
she's in a relationship with, knows that she had feelings
for this friend. Then it becomes a problem because a
person's like you can't go and like have slumber parties
someone that you had strong feelings for, but if they
(21:01):
don't know, like if she just keeps it buried down,
It's like that fine line.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
It does have an interesting element. It does because I
feel like with male and female friendships, if you have
a great if you are into men and you have
a male best friend, the minute you get into a
relationship that a male friendship is yeah, totally changes.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
I mean, I mean, I'm not saying everybody.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Some people might be able to make that work, but
typically it's like there's just a shift.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
In the friendship.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yeah, like if you guys are tight hanging out every day,
like spoiler alert, you're not gonna hang out every day.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
But I agree, I think even if like take the
queerness out of it, if you were hanging out, like
I had a friend who was a.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Guy friend.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
He was one of my best friends, and he ended
up telling me he had feelings for me, and it
was just kind of like there was some space needed
to you know, move on from that and figure out
how to be friends after that information was shared. But
I think the ultimate thing was like I don't want
to lose this friendship. But I think it was important
that he told me how he felt, because if you
(22:04):
don't say anything, how will you ever know?
Speaker 4 (22:06):
And you like the what is?
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Could you imagine living with that?
Speaker 4 (22:09):
What if that's what I'm saying? I mean?
Speaker 2 (22:11):
And you might tell her and she she might be like, oh,
I feel the same way.
Speaker 4 (22:15):
I was so scared. I didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Or she might be like, you know what, I love
you so much, but I don't see you in a
romantic way, but take the space you need. And I'm
always like, we're always gonna be friends, you know. I
think it's just it's going to weigh on you and
eat at you if you don't say something.
Speaker 4 (22:30):
So I say go for it.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Yeah, because like, play out both sides the worst that
can happen, and she doesn't have feelings for you, and
then you never have to live in that what is?
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Yeah, then you can really move on because then you
don't feel guilty about thinking about what could have happened.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
And then the best case scenario, she feels the same way,
and then you could have the greatest love story of
all time.
Speaker 4 (22:50):
Or she might be like, oh my gosh, I've never
I need some time. I've never thought of about it. Yeah,
and she thinks say that I do have feelings for you,
so I think you say something.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
I think you say something, and good luck.
Speaker 4 (23:01):
Please report back.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Yeah, do you want to do the next?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Next one feels girthy.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
It's a sister in law wedding drama.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Which, oh, okay, let's see. My name is Patrick and
my wife, Jessica, is a longtime listener, and now I'll
also listen when we're traveling or just hanging out on
the weekend.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I am thirty three years old and my wife is
thirty one. My wife's sister is my age and is
getting married in September. My wife's sister, so his sister's drama. Oh, right,
before I start. My wife's sister, who is getting married,
can be a lot. She has an old time friend
that she has made her man of honor. I'm pretty
sure they had a fling before she met her now fiance.
(23:43):
She's including him and all of the things. My wife's
other sister is the actual maid of honor, so no
one knows what this man's rule actually is. He's in
group text and making things uncomfy. By the sounds of it.
By talking about getting drunk, et cetera. The bride invited
this guy to the bachelorette party that is taking place
over a weekend in Michigan. My wife is uncomfortable with
(24:05):
a straight male whom neither of us has met, going
to this bachelorette party where it was thought to be her,
her other sisters, and a couple of the bride's friends.
It is understandable why everyone is uncomfortable with this situation.
I am uncomfortable with this random guy trying to get
super drunk around my wife and my sisters. Am I
being overprotective over my wife? Or should I tell the
(24:27):
bride he's got to go? Because this is very weird
behavior to have a guy that you might have had
a fling with be your man of honor. I also
think it's disrespectful to the bride soon to be husband.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
Ooh, this is interesting.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Patrick. I love you because you're a scrubber. This is
so not your place. What do you mean it's not
his place. It's his sister in law's wedding. If she
wants this man of honor, that's her call. It's not
his call. If his wife doesn't want to go to
the bachelorette because's uncomfortable. That's her call, that's her decision.
He can't step in here. He's gonna be I think,
(25:03):
not gonna be good.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
I think if your wife is having an issue with
it and she doesn't feel comfortable going, I think that's
a conversation that she needs to have with her sister
so that there's just.
Speaker 4 (25:15):
Boundaries set and there.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
It's like it's not coming from like the chain the
telephone game of like I feel uncomfortable, my husband feels uncomfortable,
so I'm gonna say this.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
You know, it's more like I feel uncomfortable. I know
this is your.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Friend, but I don't really understand it's gonna be a
bunch of women celebrating you and bringing in a straight
man makes me feel a little bit like uncomfortable in
this situation. So I might sit this one out and
that will probably cause some tension and drama.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
It's also her prerogative, Yeah it is, but.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
I think it's both of their I think it's the
sister's prerogative. But I think if they're all sharing, like
are they getting are they getting a house?
Speaker 4 (25:53):
Is it like that is taking place over a weekend?
It's a whole weekend, right, it's a bacherette weekend.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
They're going away and.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
The house. Yeah, I don't know. How do you feel
like Robbie would think if you were?
Speaker 1 (26:09):
If you if I'm I'm gonna invite Brad.
Speaker 4 (26:12):
He's on straight though.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
True, that is true.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Like, let's say you invited someone that you went on
a date a few dates with.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
Or had feelings for.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Who would that be?
Speaker 2 (26:24):
I don't know one of your doctor screen time, doctor W,
doctor W. What would he do if you were like
I really want doctor W to be at my bachelorette party,
and I.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Just would never do that.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
I would never do that.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
But what I'm saying is again it's the husband should
step in and say, hey, I don't want this bro
coming to your going to your bacherette. Like it's on
the husband, it's not on the brother in law.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I actually guess, yeah, if the husband or current fiance
is okay with it, Yeah, I guess to each his
own CORECT maybe.
Speaker 4 (26:55):
The open relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Like you don't know the inner workings of that. So
I say, Patrick, we love you, and we love you
so much.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
We love you so much, and we love your respect,
we love your concern.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
For the situation, concern, and we love you, but.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
I think this is for your sister and her sister. Yeah,
and that is for the groom and the bride.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Yeah, you gotta tap out, you gotta say.
Speaker 4 (27:18):
I also agree that it's weird, right, it is very weird.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I just couldn't even picture. I could not picture. I
couldn't picture it.
Speaker 4 (27:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
No, not even a guy that I went on dates with,
just like even a guy friend. I don't even have
any guys like Robert Graham. We always always go back
to Robert Graham. Imagine I invited Robert Graham to my
bachelor atte party.
Speaker 4 (27:42):
That'd be uncle rule for.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Many, right, right, But anyway, love you, Patrick.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
Love you, Patrick. Good luck.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Okay, we're gonna take a break and we have another
one coming and it's the title is seven year Relationship Ending.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Oh man, all right, we are back.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
So this one is from anonymous and it says, last week,
very unexpectedly, my girlfriend of over seven years told me
she wanted a break from our relationship. We've both been
going through a lot lately. We recently moved across the
country to a new city, and she's been struggling to
make new friends, on top of having to cut off
communication with her parents for their toxic behavior. For me,
(28:34):
work has been very stressful and has taken up a
lot of energy, and I feel completely out of my
comfort zone since moving.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Despite this, I thought we were solid.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
We've been through a lot together and we've always come
out of the other side closer and stronger. But last
week she told me she felt like something in our
relationship is missing and that we can't give each other
what we need. She feels like I don't fully understand
how difficult things have been for her and that she.
Speaker 4 (28:55):
Can't lean on me.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
She asked for a three month break, but to me,
it just sounds like she wants to end things.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
I am utterly devastated.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I know I've struggled to be the best version of
myself lately, juggling work and adjusting to the move.
Speaker 4 (29:06):
But I love her so much and there's nothing I
wouldn't do for her.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
We've built a beautiful life together that is so intertwined.
I'm terrified of what the future looks like without her
in it. She's the first woman I've ever been with
and the only person I've ever loved. I can't imagine
ever having a love like this again. I feel like
my life is over. I don't know what to do.
I booked a flight home to my parents the day
after she broke up with me, and the only thing
that kept me from being a complete and total mess
on the plane was your podcast. Oh thank you back
(29:31):
to Tanya, Mark and Easton for the comfort and.
Speaker 4 (29:33):
Laughter you all provide. First of all, I'm so sorry
this is ok here.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Is this a guy or a girl? We don't know.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
I'm guessing a woman, but.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
We don't know.
Speaker 4 (29:46):
We don't know.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
I was gonna say.
Speaker 4 (29:49):
She's the first woman I've ever been with, so I'm assuming.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
Okay, yeah, yeah, context clear, there you go. Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
I think seven years to invest in a relationship is
going to be devastating, no matter what the ending is
or who you are or why it ended. I think
it's just it's devastating. I think when you put that
much knowing what it takes to have a good relationship
and the effort and like the energy that you put
(30:20):
into a relationship to know that it can be over
and it's not your choice is a really.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Devastating. Yeah, it's really traumatized.
Speaker 4 (30:32):
And yeah, I just think.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
It's it's part of life because you see how resilient
you are. And I think in your mind right now,
like you said, do you feel like your life is over?
But this might be the beginning of something amazing for you.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Let me tell you something, Anonymous, you deserve so much
better than someone that's gonna be with you for seven
years and then ask for a three month break. I'm sorry,
you deserve better than that. It's been seven years, but
you're looking for seventy years. You're looking for the person
that can take you the full lifetime. And this is
not her. She is not worth your time, she is
(31:06):
not worth your energy wanting a break. I'm sorry. That's
not what a relationship is. Yeah, I can't just say
I sorry, I ney a three month break and then
I'll get back to you.
Speaker 6 (31:14):
Like.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
No, I'm not like a I'm not a pink carton
of milk in the refrigerator you can just put aside
and then come back to me when I spoiled. Spoiled, Yeah,
milk wasn't the right Uh.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
I'm not a bottle of wine.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
I'm not a pair of winter boots that you can
just put in the back of the closet. During summer
and then just after three months bring them back out
and wear them again.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
Right, Yeah, you can't do that. You're not that.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
You're so much better than that, And that is a
that that partner is somebody that is weak, and you
deserve somebody that is strong.
Speaker 4 (31:44):
I think that.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
I also think that it sounds like y'all have recently
gone through a lot, and I don't know if.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
Y'all have tried couples therapy, but I also think if
she didn't.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
First of all, I think asking for a three month
break is strange because why three months?
Speaker 1 (31:58):
There's something there, Like there's something there that we don't know.
The three month break makes me feel like she wants
to have her cake and.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Eat Yeah, Like, what are the boundaries of a break.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
Dance?
Speaker 2 (32:10):
What does a break look like? Because it sounds like
if she wants to be broken up, she needs to
be very clear with you because you shouldn't even hold
on to hope that there's going to be a rekindling
if that's not her intention. And I also think that
I had a friend who was with her girlfriend for
I think like five years and they broke up and
within a year she met the love of her life
(32:32):
and literally just got married yesterday, my friend Sierra, and
it was like there was a sense of, oh my gosh,
I'm devastated. This is you know, ended, and but then
something beautiful came of it and they're both happy. You know,
they're both split up, but they're both happy.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
And sometimes look at people who get people get divorced,
they're married, they go through a really bad breakup, they
go through divorce, and then their lives are even better
post divorced. They didn't even think that it could be
loved like that. Yeah, So I think that this is.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
I think let yourself grieve your relationship and let the people,
let your parents, the people who support you and love
you like really surround you right now, and really learn
how to be by yourself during this time, because this
is a chance to learn who you are and what
you're looking like, because all you've known for seven years
is the person you were with this person. And I
(33:25):
think that it's okay to be sad right now, and
it's also okay to be hopeful that something better is coming.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
I agree, And we love you. We love you so much, Anonymous,
so much, all right, Tanya from Ashlynn, Hello Tanya Beckham
Mark and Easton. First, I wanted to say thank you
for this podcast. I listen in weekly and it always
brightens my day. Also, I would like to say I'm
a Tanya todt Hey. I feel like I'm a Tanya
(33:52):
when she was single before Robbie, and we seem to
have a lot of similarities. I'm thirty one and living
on my own and I have been through a dating
role coaster that I can't seem to get off of,
though I have done all dating apps, been to speed dating, singles,
night events at bars and restaurants, a dinner event with
seven strangers. Sadly, four out of the seven strangers were married,
(34:14):
and this totally sounds like me. And I've even hired
a matchmaker, which hasn't been going well. Wow. I'm looking
for a man in the same stage of life as me. Single,
career driven, ambitious, no kids, but wants kids and marriage
and good personality and family oriented. My question is for Tanya,
when you were dating, did you have a set criteria
that you were looking for in a partner, i e.
(34:36):
No kids or some religion upbringing. And if you did
have a set criteria, when did you start opening up
the criteria to meet more men that you weren't necessarily dating,
but then ultimately led you to finally find Robbie. Please help.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
I feel like there is a podcast episode that someone
sent us where you were like, divorced with kids is
total like you were not that was totally fine for you.
That was never like a criteria.
Speaker 6 (35:02):
Breathing alive, single single, single, breathing alive, wears clothes in public,
has a job.
Speaker 5 (35:17):
You know.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
My criteria was basic. Could not have been more basic.
So really, my advice to you is, let's not have criteria.
Let's throw caution to the wind and not set up
those boundaries because guess what you're gonna I do feel
like at one point I did have a list. Remember
(35:37):
my list was like what.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
I of all my dream man?
Speaker 1 (35:41):
Right, your dream man? Right, You're it comes at too fast.
My list was at the top of my list was
Christian man. And I end up not marrying a Jewish man.
So let's just put the lists away, I know. And
it's so funny because it's like that's what the I
feel like. That's the guest piece of advice people give
(36:01):
you is like, how are you gonna find someone? If
you don't know what you're looking for, you know, like
you would never go for a job without a job listing.
And I'm like, okay, so everybody makes you make this
list and you're setting yourself up for failure because it's
not about the list. It's not about that stuff, like
it really isn't. It's about the person and the human
(36:22):
being that they are, Like that is your soulmate, that
is the person that you're connected to on a such
a deeper level. All that other stuff fits in into play,
and you learn how to navigate if there are certain
things that maybe don't gel or fit the way that
you want them to. But I feel like that's like
the biggest thing is you know what was her criteria?
(36:43):
And her criteria was no kids, but wants kids in marriage,
a good personality and family. It's a lot, you know, yeah,
I mean career driven, ambitious, Like you maybe might find
someone that is not all of these things. You might
find someone that already has kids and wants more.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
I also think though, that like a lot of people,
once they meet someone that they just connect with, like
you said, the list goes out the window and they're
still like the mentality is like, oh my gosh, this
person is everything I was looking for, but not according
to their list. They're just it's everything they were looking
for in terms of what they envisioned themselves being like
in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
And I think that the list hold us back because
we have this unrealistic thing of.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
I wish you still had your list.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
I'm sure I could find one somewhere like plays football,
No watches football.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
I don't think that was ever was never on your list.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
I'm shook by that.
Speaker 2 (37:38):
No, oh wow, No, football wasn't on there. But like religion,
you know, someone Christian wanted kids, Like all the things
that I just think that I was supposed to want
were on there, right, And like, like I said, life
came quickly, like came in like a wrecking ball on
that list, and I I just think that, like now
(38:01):
I look at the what you feel like you want,
and I look at my relationship with Halene, and I'm like,
oh my gosh, this is even better than I ever
imagined a relationship being like I always thought i'd be
someone who really needed my space and yeah, felt claustrophobic
in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Really probably had on your list, like lives in City
lives in New York City, myos coastal.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
And I just think that what happens is you find
someone like you found Robbie, and it's like he's everything
that you wanted. But if you had listed out who
he was, maybe on paper he wanted him.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
And you know what's crazy. I think about this all
the time because he necessarily wasn't what I wanted on paper?
Do you know what I mean? Like on my list?
What if I'd never gone on that first date with Robbie.
I knew on my first date with Robbie that I
didn't know for sure I was going to marry the guy,
but I knew on our first date that it was
like so different, Like I knew, like literally I had
(38:54):
like visceral reactions in my body. And had I knock
gone on that date because he didn't fit my criteria
my lists, who knows what I'd be doing right now?
Speaker 4 (39:03):
I know it's so true. So I say to anonymous, like, no,
it's Ashlan.
Speaker 1 (39:07):
Actually, oh, I.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
Say to Ashlin, let yourself like be free from the list.
Speaker 4 (39:14):
Free from the list. If not now, when? If not you? Who?
If not here? Where?
Speaker 1 (39:21):
If not now? Never?
Speaker 4 (39:23):
Well nod? If not now when?
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Shoot?
Speaker 4 (39:26):
So we don't know.
Speaker 1 (39:28):
Not today, not tomorrow.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
No, no, that's not out.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Not tomorrow today, not tomorrow today. Sure, yeah, it's time, Ashlin, Yes,
it's time that you are thirty one. You are stepping
out of your criteria and list and who knows what
if you have a man that's your list and you
end up with a woman.
Speaker 4 (39:47):
Yeah, Ashlynn, you don't know, Ashlin.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
I want you to physically throw the list out the window,
whip it out, and then go pick it up and
throw it in the trash.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
But get rid of it, get rid of the the list.
It's about the being. It's about the being and the connection.
You can't you can't write that stuff down on paper.
Speaker 4 (40:08):
You can't write it down.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
You really can't. Once you feel it in the vagina, yeah,
it takes over.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
The list is out the door once it's in the vagina.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 5 (40:19):
All right.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Well, in that note, we are done with today's episode
of Dear Bonio, but we will be back next week
and you can dm us on Instagram at scrubbing in
pot or email us at scrubbing in iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 4 (40:30):
Tanya, it was a pleasure, pleasure was almos No no, no, no,
no no no no.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
I can eat the cake.
Speaker 4 (40:37):
Well, I'm gonna take it home. Yeah, I have to
eat lunch.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
Yeah all right. Love you by
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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