May 9, 2024 • 58 mins
Hannah Brown is back in the O.R.!! Becca and Tanya dive right in and ask Hannah about the “fan edits” of her and Tyler Cameron… even though their relationship never even happened.
And speaking of fan fiction, Hannah tells us all about her new romance novel and how secrets from her real life snuck into the pages!
Plus, we hear Hannah’s picks from TTPD and what really happened when she went on Tyler Cameron’s new show!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rt An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in. Scrub a dub dub.
We have a returning scrubbing in guest who you all
know Anne Love.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Yes, she has scrubbed in before. Her name is Hannah Brown.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Hannah Brown.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
She is formerly the Bachelorette, now an engaged woman.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
She also is a New York Times best selling author,
a podcast host.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
She does it all and we are so privileged to
have her sitting across from us in today's episode of
scrubbing In. So everybody, welcome back, Hannannana Brown, Hannah.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Brown, Hi, God, back in ther I'm so glad to
be here. Just you know, two brides this time.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
Wow, what a journey.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Yeah, but we're here, We're here.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
I mean I don't even feel like a bride quite
yet because I've done nothing. But yeah, excuse me, I've
done way more.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I think it sounds like it. What have you done?
A wedding planner? Okay?
Speaker 4 (01:10):
And I started a list, but then that created immense anxiety.
So then I made a few more and still haven't
decided quite which list is making it And Guestless and
then I have started looking well, the wedding planner has
(01:32):
started sending me uh, locations to look at, and I
put them all on a map to see because I'm
thinking international. So I've been putting on a mask. I
went down this journey as well. Did we end up
not doing it?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
No?
Speaker 4 (01:45):
I see, I'm like having all these like I'm questioning
it at all. But right now all we have is
on Google Maps, all the stars, O where the places are.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
That feels like something anyone doing that, so it feels good,
It feels like productive.
Speaker 4 (02:00):
I don't think it's actually like I just want I
want to make sure wherever we get married if we
do international, which then I went into a tail spin
about that. But if we still end up doing that,
it's close to a major city enough, right, so that
people have things to do.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Yeah, I see, that's why I started starring them. Yes,
I see.
Speaker 4 (02:24):
Yes, we spalked about three or four months planning a
whole wedding in Italy just to come back to Los Angeles, California. Wait,
what was what made you decide to change it? I
don't want to send you down a spiral.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
You can just go ahead.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
I'm already like I'm on the cusp of it.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
It's a lot. There's a lot of there was a
lot of folds. Her best friend. Yeah, her best friend.
Speaker 4 (02:47):
Is getting married in Europe, and so she was telling
me all the like calms of it of like it's
just a lot to ask of people. It's a lot,
Like it's just like a lot of headache to just
do it somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
So like that really got to me.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Also, the scheduling of it was really we have a
lot of kids in our family, so we had to
do it around school and breaks, and like with my work,
it was just it was all the scheduling was just
like too much that I was like, this is just
too much headache.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
I'm done with it. I totally get that.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
I in therapy, I realized my wound is I always
feel like a burden, yes, And so asking people to
come to my wedding in a different country is really
triggering sharing me, even though that's where I want to be.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
I didn't know I had that wound, but I have
that wound too.
Speaker 4 (03:34):
Yes, I don't know, but nobody's gonna come unless they
want to come. Exact in my mind, I'm like, why
am I putting that pressure or that burden on somebody
to spend thousands of dollars. Yes, take time out of
their day, take work off. Yes, just for me to say,
I do totally. I think for me because Adams from Oklahoma,
I'm from Alabama. We live in Tennessee, but we met
(03:54):
here in Los Angeles. It's like everybody's going to have
to go somewhere for us, and I don't think I
want to get married in Alabama. We're definitely not get
married in Oklahoma. Tennessee doesn't quite feel like the place
for like where I want to get married and everybody
would have and like so it would be like California
or international, and I'm just like, I kind of want
(04:16):
to go international.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
But Okay, y'all talked about this on the Valentine's Day
episode of your podcast.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
Yeah, we hadn't gone when did we say?
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Then? Sorry? No, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
This was the post engagement podcast, which I think a
lot has changed.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yes, but you someone asked what.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Kind of wedding you wanted, and y'all were kind of like,
we haven't even gone there, yes, but he was saying,
it's more about who's there, and you were kind of
more like, I want something intimate destination, he wants a
big wedding.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Has that it's changed, Oh, definitely. He's also on my
side of like it needs to be about us. Yes,
I think he has that same. He definitely feels the
burden thing and wants to like accommodate everyone. Yeah, even
more so then I do. And I think he was
having a hard time like really doing like saying what
(05:07):
he actually wanted or where we felt the most connected
because of being scared it's an international or somewhere that
was more of an inconvenience or some of our family.
So now we've really gotten to a place of like
this is a celebration of like our love, So like
it should be like the thing, the thing that feels
(05:29):
the best, the most connected for us.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
Yeah, and we the people who love us are going
to want that for us on our wedding day and
they want to celebrate that. Yeah, they don't want to
celebrate it sucks. People want to go to a wedding
and like really be like rooting for this relationship, believing
in this relationship and want it to feel connecting and
see that in the couple that they're supporting. So why
(05:54):
don't we do everything to create that environment and he's
down now he's like, oh.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Oh wow, Okay, can we go back to a few months,
almost a year ago getting up to you right, so.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
To say sorry, don't want to rush it.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
Six months you get engaged.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
You tell the story about the engagement on your podcast
with Adam, and it's a very real and honest story.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Yeah, there's no fluff.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
It's very not what you expect based on what we
saw on Instagram. Yes, can you talk about the engagement
a little bit because you you talked about your anxiety
where you were at mentally, and I cannot imagine being
in that headspace and making a decision like that.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
So I wanted to hear hear you talk about it.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
Yeah, it was really tough, and I know that I have,
like all, I was going through a lot at that point. Also,
like I mean I like contact, there was a lot
actually like other stuff going on, Like I had just
(07:10):
changed like medications.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
There was like a lot.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Happening to make my anxiety, like through the roof, I
change medications.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
That can that's like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
And Adam also he had planned this like really sweet
thing with other people coming and so it was He's
really had to work on that of like, oh, like
I was, so I started to worry about what other
people would feel if I said, oh, actually I need
to change this, versus really being able to sit in
(07:42):
like the uncomfortableness of oh maybe this is like she's
really struggling right now. And it made it to where
it was like I wanted of course, I was like
gonna say yeah, yes, but it was more like my
therapist just told me not to make a biggest any
life like big life decisions right now. That's what she
(08:03):
had told me literally a few days before. And then
I told him literally a few days before he was
planning on being engaged, that she told me that, so
like it was just like chaos. Then I'm like, I
just did exactly what she told me not to do,
but like I'm not going to say no.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
But also this is just it was just weird.
Speaker 4 (08:22):
Timing, and so it was, Yeah, it was just a
tough time. And I think I've talked to a lot
of people now, especially me, like being very honest.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
About how I actually felt.
Speaker 4 (08:33):
This happens to so many people, especially if you have
like commitment stuff or just like had relationships in the
past that like really affected you. It's like this is
what you this is what I want. But there's still
a fear of making a huge lifelong decision like I have.
I have fears deciding what sandwich I want for lunch,
(08:56):
and I'll go back and forth, back and forth and
be like, I don't know, I shouldn't Probably I've gotten
that I should have actually asked for the sauce of
so like this type of uh, like commitment is is
going to like trigger an anxiety in me?
Speaker 3 (09:14):
And so, yeah, it was, it was. Actually it was tough.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
But man, we have gotten so connected since then because
it really allowed us to like work on some of
those big wounds that I didn't even know why it
made me react the way that I did, And we're
in like such a good space now, But it was,
it was, it was a ride for a little bit.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, I was wondering because you talked about how you
felt unlovable and that you almost had resentment towards him.
I've never heard someone say that, which I was like, oh,
that is such a deep rooted admission but also self
awareness to be able to admit that. But you said
you had resentment towards him, that he was able to
love you.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Yeah, I'm very avoidant and when somebody Adam is avoidant too. Yeah,
we're both avoidant, so it makes it tough tough to
actually like had those conversations. We never really fault. We
didn't know how to like have. We would both just
like kind of move on and get over it type thing.
(10:18):
And he's been with me and my worst like absolute worst,
and it, Yeah, it really made me.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Feel like why do you want to be with me?
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Like I am so messed up and you're still choosing
to like be with me through all this, And yeah,
it was hard because I'm like, I don't even like me?
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Why do you like me?
Speaker 4 (10:40):
There must be something wrong with you, you know. And
we had I think in the podcast we talked about this,
like he looked at me one day and he was like,
what did he say? I'm trying to think of how
it got into there. He was like, I know, Oh.
I told him that I'm like I feel unlovable and
(11:01):
he was like, well, I don't want you to. You
shouldn't treat me any different because I know that I'm
the one that's right, like you are lovable and like
I want to be with you, and I want to
like learn how to work through all this with you,
And then we started go into couple's therapy and like
really being able to figure out, Oh why do this
because I'm like super avoidant and feel like I'm trying
(11:24):
to save somebody from being with me because I am
just like too much to handle. Like, if you really
knew me, you wantn't want to be my friend, you
wantn't want to be.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
In a relation? Is that? What is that? I'm trying
to imagine you at your worst? Like what does that mean? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (11:40):
I mean I guess it's I think just like I
really struggle with my depression and anxiety, and of course,
like people don't, I don't share that like I do.
I go. I isolate so much. I'm such an isolator,
like I'm not going to talk to anybody. I'm going
to be by myself, just getting super anxious about anything.
(12:04):
And so that's really hard to be able to connect
with somebody, to be to create intimacy in any shape
or fashion, like just being able to like have a
connecting conversation, being able to want to sit close to somebody.
I'm like, just everybody get away from me because there's
(12:24):
something there's some belief that I think there's like something
inherently broken about me. I am, I am so much
more secure than I was. Then that's like attachment theory
is kind of what I'm learning all about is just
like like obsessed with the toy. And yeah, so I
don't know exactly where that comes from. Actually, I mean
(12:46):
I kind of do. It's like it makes sense for
my childhood. But yeah, he has a similar wound. And
so it's been so cool to be able to recognize
that and then to be able to actually like help
you each other and these beliefs that we have about
ourselves and continuing to like prove each other wrong. One
(13:07):
of the things that therapist says that I love that
She's like a lot of people would rather be right
and then be happy. So if I can keep proving
that I'm a burden or I'm too much like at
least that that's fitting the narrative in my head instead
of like working on that changing that so that I
(13:27):
can be happy. That was like a hard shift for me,
but we've been doing it and it's been great.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Did Okay, so you said that comes from childhood, but
did did your time on the as a bachelorette and
not time post bachelorette.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
True, definitely hands to the surface.
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Yeah, I think all that of course, like in relationship
was definitely brought up, and I would I had. I
had been single for like a year before I was
on the Bachelor, but I had had a lot of
stuff happened in my relationships for that too, So there
was just a lot of like stuff that had never
(14:05):
really been he'll discuss talked about. And it was just
like one thing after another after another after another. Even
when I met Adam, Like I wasn't wanting anything serious
because I was like, I'm not ready for that, but
like he just loved me and just kept showing up
and staying there even when I'm like why.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
So, yeah, it's so crazy hearing that from you because
knowing you and like even just watching you as a
bachelor atte, I felt like you were just the most lovable.
I feel like you're the most lovable, likable, like just so.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Yeah, I think it's a beliefable.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Well yeah, yeah, and so it's it's so eye opening
hearing someone like you that is so beloved by such
a honestly a pretty polarizing fan base. They can either yeah,
want you to win or want you to crash and burn.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Yeah, and you're so beloved.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
And so it's crazy to it's eye opening, I think
for people to hear you talk about.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
This because it's like her, Yeah, she has everything. Yeah, And.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
I think that's the thing. It's like, people could tell
me I'm the best thing they've ever seen, and it's like,
but what do I believe about myself?
Speaker 3 (15:25):
Like what are.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
I mean? Most of the time when I talk sometimes
I'm like people are thinking I'm an actual idiot.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
You know.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
I have this like background soundtrack, but it's like press
pause for just a second. So yeah, I've had to
really work on that. And I've found, like I talk
about therapy in every single conversation that I have. It's
but I've really finally found somebody who has like a
(15:51):
forty minute therapy conversation. Is I'm not going to get
there in actually getting down to like what I'm saying
to you guys now, like, oh no, I actually just
didn't know how to love myself or I have all
these like limiting and beliefs about myself that have affected
the way that I've been able to be in relationships,
be able to have love given to me, and so.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
I think it's important to share because like it can.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
Look, I was really good at being able to present
this way, but I was feeling something totally different and
now might just presenting the truth. And I actually feel
so much more lovable now. And I think there was
always like joy in me, but I was also just
that can sometimes not always balance out when you have
(16:40):
all the other thoughts going on in the back of
your head. But now I can actually like step into
the joy and not worry about and get so anxious
and worry about the next shoe to drop. But I
can actually like live in the joy in a way
that I haven't been able to before. But I had
to get down to all those like the roots of
(17:01):
where all the hurt and pain started to be able
to ever do that. And it's been it's been a
it's been a long season of trying to like.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Killing Yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Do feel like that's being from the South, because I
know you of we had a conversation about just like
sweeping things under the rug and whether you're hurt or not,
it's just about putting on a joyful face. God is
good and like we didn't talk about therapy. Growing up,
that was never a thing where it was like, let's
(17:35):
maybe go talk to a therapist if something is you
know that no one talked about therapy, and so when
I started it, I was like, why aren't we talking
about this more?
Speaker 3 (17:43):
This is since this is so healing totally.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
I mean even now, I mean, who's that talking to?
Talking to your friend yesterday, He's like yeah, I mean
like me and my brother, like he went down another
a different path of me. It was more like the
rebellious one, and like I was the one that felt
like I had to have everything together, and both of
us had our own like breakdowns, and we've both gone
(18:10):
to therapy and we're like talk about it, and my parents.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Just are like, oh gosh, that's just.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
Y'all can do that, but like I'm not doing I'm
not doing that, and we'll kind of like not. I
think they've gotten a little bit better, but I think
it like just scares them because I don't think they're
willing to confront confront all the stuff that they that
that has hurt them. And so I can sometimes feel
that a lot when I'm in the South there with
(18:38):
my family, like it's like, oh, there must be something
really wrong with you and it's like, well, yes, but
also like where do you think that comes from?
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (18:49):
But I also think too like therapy, I think that
it it's for people, that it's for people that want
to grow, and I think people who don't appreciate therapy
or people.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Don't have ego, fixed mindset, ego.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
I think ego comes a lot because I think when
I'm in therapy, I feel so humbled and I'm like,
oh my gosh, So I'm not always right and my
opinion is not always the right one, and like the
way that I do things isn't necessarily.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Always the right way.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
But there's not really right in a wrong way, it's
just there's the way a way, yes. And I think
that people who are very anti therapy have are very
like I don't know what the word is, rigid.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
Yeah, and just like stuck in their ways fixed. It's
like a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. And like
I will say, the one thing that I am, I
do it one thing, but one thing. One of the
things that I'm really proud about myself is I do
feel like I'm not somebody that will be complacent in
my life, Like I think I'm very resilient and I
(19:43):
am going to work through it all even when it's
really tough.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
And I think.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
I have a really big growth mindset and if you're not,
I think it intimidates or makes people. It makes people
put their walls up, but they're just not there yet
because like they're just not going to do the work.
And yeah, it's just those are my people. It's my family.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
I love them.
Speaker 4 (20:12):
But you can't, like you can't force somebody to do
something they don't want to. Yeah, but you can like
change the way that you interact with them. You can
set boundaries, set boundaries, and then it has taken a while,
but I've seen like the shift of that too, of
how we interact.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Yeah, I know it takes time and it takes work,
and sometimes it's the work. It's on you, as the
person who has the growth mindset to know how to
set the boundaries and put in the work to make
sure the family dynamics stays as healthy as Yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
Yeah, Like I love my family and I want to
be a part of my family, but I want to
choose and change the way that I interact. Yeah, And
I've been able to do that with a lot of
help in a lot.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Yeah, I want to talk to you about your book,
I want to talk to you about Tyler Cameron, and
I want to talk to you.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
About the Way.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
But first we're going to take a break. All right,
we're back from the break. Hannah Brown, you made a
snarky little comment when.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
I said Tyler Cameron. There wasn't. Of course there was snark,
which I appreciate. Well, Mecca just speaks the internet.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
What do you mean she just speaks the internet because.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
All I see are edits of of you and Tyler Cameron.
I need to just know. It'd be like, what is
going on? I know it's weird, right, Yes, I know, but.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Yeah it's it's weird, and it's it's it's even weirder
because you're an engagements.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Yeah, it makes you think about it though in terms
of like we do this so much with the people
that are like married.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Or have been married for twenty years.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
Yeah, like it's so unt I think it's like I
was actually thinking about this this week.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I'm like, it's just.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
I think it's just something that people it never actually
happened too.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
That's what's so weird, is like it's a love of
history fiction. It's fan fiction. Yeah, it's fan fiction.
Speaker 4 (22:36):
So it's just interesting to me that people have like
created this narrative that actually ever existed.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
I know, because y'all had post bachelorette y'all ended up
quarantining on accident together. Yes, but nothing ever happened. But
people don't know about that, or they do they know
about that.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
You But I think it's it's like I feel like
it's one of those like it it would be like
an epic.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Love story, right, right, but it was it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Well you're explaining it is like it's fan fiction, right,
So people like have this fantasy of the two of you.
They make these stitches, right stitches?
Speaker 3 (23:19):
Yeah, what is that called? It's called like a compilation.
I would say, what do you call that? Like a
fan video?
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Like a yeah, yeah, so they make these like super
cuts of you guys. But it's not fan fiction because
you are a real person and you're in a real relationship.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
So like my question is you are engaged and you
have a fiance. Does he see any of this and
like does it why does it make him feel? I
mean I I yes, he has seen it, but I
think we're really secure in our relationship and like I said,
like that was also a really long time ago. Yeah,
that's amazing, and I think.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
He sees it.
Speaker 4 (23:57):
But we also like know where we're at and as
a couple and like planning a wedding.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
So he's like, bye, good, this is what I'm telling Tanya,
And this is definitely something after hearing you say that,
that I need to work on, probably as myself.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
But you went and filmed The Tyler.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Show, and I was curious after Adam sees all these
this fan fiction and what people think, Yeah, was there
any hesitation from him when you told him you were
going to do that.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
We definitely talked about it, and.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
It was more like why I was doing it, and
I love interior design. It was a great way to
be able to do that and just show that that's
something that I'm passionate about and Tyler and I like,
I don't know, like it's just not the way that
everybody like actually thinks it is, and I Adam knows
(24:49):
that as well. But yeah, I mean it's probably I'm
not going to speak for him, but I'm sure it's
probably annoying sometimes, but like we're good. Yeah, oh yeah,
like he's I don't think he like worries about.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
That.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
Yeah, he trust to you.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
He's like, yeah, it's like it can be annoying to
watch and see, but also truth is and what the
fact is about.
Speaker 4 (25:13):
Totally and like it was it was actually a good thing,
like for Tyler and I. Like it was definitely just
like working together and that's progress.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
It was good.
Speaker 4 (25:31):
It had been like so much time we hadn't really
seen each other, and it actually just it was it
was a good experience. It was yeah, good, you know,
I would I can't make my fiance jealous to save
my life.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
The only man he's been jealous over was Harry Styles,
which is valid.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
And try to wear Harry Styles Murch sometimes to be
like a rise are you would you say, like do
you have jealousy stuff? Oh, I'm very insecure, really attached.
Speaker 4 (26:01):
I'm not jealous. I do not get jealous because you're avoidant.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
Oh is that why I was avoidant too?
Speaker 4 (26:07):
But I attachmentselves.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
You can shift, you can, you can shift out of them.
But yeah, if you're avoidant, you're not gonna get jealous.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
I don't get jealous, Like I'm just like if I
find it, I'll find out one day so I'm just
going to live my life like if somebody, like if
I'm like in a relationship where I feel jealousy or
like I'm just like if something happens, I'll find out.
Speaker 3 (26:28):
Yeah, And I have within my mask like it all
like always. I don't know, I just don't sit in
that energy.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Great great place to be. I mean I have a
lot of other Yeah, honestly it's a big one.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
So but you have talked about you talked about your
own individual therapy and how much that has like changed
your life.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
Will she be at your wide and your therapist definitely? Really?
Speaker 4 (26:57):
Oh my gosh, yes, I mean we've talked. I mean
I think it'll be our pastor that there's our wedding,
But I've I've been thinking like okay, like on the
like a welcome party thing, like I might have her
speak about our relationship because okay, that makes it a
little different because she has seen like the couple that
(27:21):
we started out with her as and it's just been
a few months versus what the couple that we will
we will be by the time we get married is
like night and day in like so connected and so
just like have have a growth mindset and like really
understand like how to love each other. Like it has
(27:42):
been crazy the shifts that we've made being so avoidant
with being able to show up for each other that
I'm just I'm so thankful for her giving us the
tools to be able.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
To do that.
Speaker 4 (27:56):
Was she your individual therapist and then she became it's different.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
I was asking about your individual therapist.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
Yeah, I changed to her and we both go to
her individually and together, and she works like on attachment styles.
So my first therapist is great that I was with,
but also I think when you're dealing with relationships trauma, basically,
(28:24):
it's been really great to work with a couple's therapist
and a committed relationship and then we both do our
own separate with her, and then it's just it's like
she's been able to really see us both and be
able to like filter things that we're saying and really
get to the root of that, and then we can
meet together and discuss in a really healthy way that's
(28:45):
actually prompting us to be able to actually handle it worse. Sometimes,
Like in the she always laughs, she's like, I'll do it.
I mean I'll have like three hour sessions with her
and She'll be like, the first hour is like, you're
coming off really wrong with a lot of like your
She'll I see she has a black pin and a
red pin and she starts writing in the red pin
(29:06):
that means it's coming from a really insecure place. And
I'm saying and she'll read back the stuff that I said,
and I'm like, I sound crazy, whoa And She'll be
like yeah, but it's like I have to get through
that part to actually get to the to the deep
part of like what's the actual fear?
Speaker 3 (29:23):
Through hours of therapy, you could do it. No, I
can't even watch TV for three hours straight.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
But it's like I think, no, it's the best. Like
I'm not gonna get to get really anything done in
a forty minute session because just at forty minutes, I'm
finally starting to break open my like what's actually going on?
So to have somebody like do you even feel like
(29:51):
somebody cares enough that burning peace to actually want to
spend the time with me to actually help me has
been and I felt so seen And yeah, I love her.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
What were y'all?
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Because Haley and I I would say I'm in communication styles.
I'm avoidant. She is, I guess more anxious. She's like
an over communicator. I would be like, let's table this
for another time when I feel calmed down.
Speaker 3 (30:34):
Yeah, And so we did. We started a couple of therapy.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
And my my response, you talked about this when people
start couple therapy, or you hear people talking about couple therapy,
it was like they're doomed, like this is the beginning
of the end. And we started it, I think two
years into our relationship, and I remember thinking when she
suggested it, I was like, Oh, we're over, We're why
are we even going through this if we're just breaking up? Yeah,
(30:59):
And it has changed our relationship in ways that no
one ever could have prepared me for.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
So I can get that you're taught and in the
best way and the.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
Best way I want their first year of marriage. Like
there's always like first year of marriage is the hardest. Yeah,
I don't think it has to be if you really
commit and do the hard work of like talking about
these things that can sometimes be uncomfortable. I mean I
had the three hour session that we.
Speaker 5 (31:28):
Had, I I really broke down and had like a
really big aha moment and it was actually like really
scary and things that I've never said before, and to
have my partner be able to be there and hold
my hand while I'm talking about some stuff that like
I've never allowed myself to talk about.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
That's the most.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Connecting thing that you can you can do with a person,
and then also see him let his gone down and
be like, I'm so sorry that happened to you, So
sorry you felt that way. You will never feel that
way with me or you know.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
It's like.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
That is such a blessing because like without her, I
would have never gotten to that, and he would have
never got to see that, and I would never get
to see how he's going to show up for me
and like a really vulnerable place and like it's just
been so healing and I think it's so healing for him,
and then he can understand Okay, now I get where
(32:29):
you know whatever my trigger, this trigger was like now
I really know what that means. And he didn't just
like hear it from me and me being like, oh yeah,
this is what happened therapy to baby. He like saw
it and had to be in there with me. He
had to feel the uncomfortableness that I was feeling and
hold that space for me like, I'm so thankful I
found a person that will do that because a lot
(32:51):
of people won't and he's doing that, live in that
space for me, and then it's making him also do that.
I mean as far as like both us being both,
we're both more avoidant, I would say, I because I can't.
I'm not complacent. Like, if there's something going on, I
(33:12):
can't fully let it go. We've got to talk about it.
We've got to figure it out where I think he could.
Sometimes he has one thing we are not similarized. He
can wear rose colored glasses. I have no rose colored
glasses at all. Like I see if you listen to
the podcast, like I I'll say exactly what it is.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
I hate.
Speaker 4 (33:32):
There's a reason I'm like that. But I can be
pretty I hate saying that. I can be pessimistic, but
I can really always see the like thing that needs
to be worked on, And he'll be like, can we
just like focus all the things that we have good?
I'm like, you know, but we still need to work
on that thing, because I think I fear that if
if I take my eye off that, then it's become
a bigger issue. And so that's I'm I'm I'm learning
(33:56):
how to like and with the therapist, like she hears
and she knows all the things that maybe still we
can improve on. But to be able to say when
she's like, how are you on, can be like we're
in a really great place was hard for me. I
could be like, she's like, you'll you'll talk and y'all,
i'll give you an update, you'll give me a update
on life, and she'll be like, wow, So that was like,
(34:18):
so you've had y'all been really great, really connected. I'll
go No, She's like, but you just told me everything
and it sounds like you are like, no, well, actually
there's this one thing and she's like, okay, Hannah, like
we've got to we've got to work on that. Like
just because there is some things that still you can
improve on doesn't mean that.
Speaker 3 (34:35):
Like this is all good.
Speaker 4 (34:37):
So like there's just been so many things that, like
I said, it's just been like life changing and so
cool for our relationship and for me personally. It also
realize what I can improve on.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Are you a perfectionist?
Speaker 4 (34:51):
No, I'm a like on Enneagram, I'm a three. I'm
like an achiever. Oh, but I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
But you want to be be good. I want to
be good, yeah, you know, but you want the praise
of being good.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
But it's weird because I've gone the praise for being good,
but I don't believe it. So it's like I want
to be able to like really yeah believe it you.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Yeah, what does your therapist think it's going to take
for you to be to believe that?
Speaker 3 (35:21):
Like, what does she think? What does she say when
you still struggle with that?
Speaker 4 (35:28):
Well, one thing that she says is like with all
my past stuff, like the odds are kind of I
love that she like tells me, like the odds are stacked,
would be stacked against you, would be stacked against you
to have a healthy relationship, Like there are reasons why
you feel these ways. And that's really actually validating because
(35:50):
because I could think, oh, there's just something fully wrong
with me, So to hear that was was great. So
it's like, Okay, you have to do the work. And
I guess that she's like, but you are, And that
almost like makes me feel proud good because I'm like, yeah, proud,
like I'm changing this And I think I've been reading
(36:13):
a lot of books about self esteem and realizing where
that comes from and how to like it's something that
like I really need to work on. But I think
the first thing we had to do was to really
recognize that, like I have a self esteem issues or
I've had all these things in the past, and to
say it's obvious where that comes from, but you're doing
(36:37):
the work to change that. And then she I have
I journal a lot to her and so then it's
like rewiring my brain and now note and I'm just
noticing differences through the work. Yeah, So there's no like
easy route. I'm not just gonna like feel better one day,
Like I'm gonna have to like it's work my way through.
(36:59):
I wish there were you know, the whole like the
way I was through. It sucks, but it's true.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
It is true even if.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
You take a easy route, it's you're always gonna come
to another place where you have to acknowledge these things.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
So why not why not do it now? If not now?
When of books? Author? This though is a fiction book? Yes,
how did you write this? Honestly? I need to know, like.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Do you just sit down like and just you have
this idea and this is a big book.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
This is a thick, Mom, me thick, She's yeah, three
hundred pages.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Over three hundred pages.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Well, I it's funny.
Speaker 4 (37:48):
Like a lot of the things that I've done I
wouldn't like dream of. But one thing I've always loved
reading and like writing for myself. And I told my
mom and like high school, college, like first year year
of college. I can't remember exactly when, but I was
sitting in the kitchen and I was like, one day,
I really want to write a novel. Like that is
(38:09):
a dream that I have. It wasn't this idea, but
it's always been something that I've wanted to do. I
actually had this. I was on this panel the other
day for the La Times Festival of Books. One of
the other authors on the panel, I realized with what
(38:31):
she said, like where this comes from from me? That
it comes from like she's like for her, she like
it really came from a storytelling came from me with
like when I played with my barbies, because that was
and I was like, oh my gosh, this all makes
sense to me because of stuff happening, Like I would
get really into the narratives and the stories and the
(38:55):
plot of my barbies, like it was tabled friends would
come over and want to play with my dolls. Sorry, can't.
We're like in scene right now. Yeah, and you can't
mess up what's actually going on because like I've already
had this written out in my head that needs to
play It needs to be played out right now.
Speaker 3 (39:09):
So like, do not take that Barbie out.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
Of the limo, yeah, because they're on they're on a
journey right now and you can't mess with them. So
like that was always weird, and so like it really
I've always had this like I don't want to say gift,
but like escape of storytelling. And so I think when
I first got an agent, like one of the very
first things, they're like, what do you want to do?
(39:33):
And you know, I'm like, I don't know, I don't
even know.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
I but one of.
Speaker 4 (39:39):
The things I always said is like, I mean, it's
a it's a far, it's it's a big dream. I
don't exactly know how to write a novel, but like
I would really like to do this. And so it's
finally came into fruition, which is really cool.
Speaker 3 (39:52):
But yeah, it's tough.
Speaker 4 (39:53):
I had a co author who helped me, Emily Larby,
and that was that That is why this book, it's
here in the time it took it to you know,
it took about two years, but it would probably would
have taken me a lot longer. And she just really
helped me like be.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
Able to.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
Get all the ideas I have like on the paper
and actually like, what's what's so interesting that I didn't realize.
It's just how much organization goes into creating this, like
the plot points that have to be done, and how
many through lines there has you have to be thinking
about all at one time. So it was like hours
and hours on zoom calls with these ideas, going back
(40:38):
and forth about things and then editing all the time,
writing a whole big things of things that then be
like this actually sucks putting it back. I mean, it
takes a lot of work. But it was so great,
and it was because I had like a lot of
support that helped encourage me and believe in me, and yeah,
(41:01):
I'm really proud of it.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
Can you Okay, you have thirty seconds you're on the
elevator with someone and they're like, what is this book about?
Speaker 3 (41:08):
Thirty seconds go.
Speaker 4 (41:10):
I hate you right now?
Speaker 3 (41:12):
This is like my it was a long time though.
Would you said what's actually Timer? That's Timer. Okay. So
the book is about oh.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
We haven't had it yet, Okay, go okay. The book
is about a girl named Emma who's very type. It
feels like she has to have everything together and she
is the maid of honor for her best friend Sibyl's wedding,
and everything was going great. She's the best maid of
honor until the bride goes missing and she has to.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
Uh literally like wait show me.
Speaker 4 (41:46):
She has to basically uh go on a road trip
with her uh frind of me, Finn Hughes, who has
just been a lot of like an almost in her life,
like they've never actually been in a relationship time.
Speaker 3 (41:58):
They no, no, no, I mean more.
Speaker 4 (41:59):
But they get to go and they're in this like
forced proximity to actually like work out all this miscommunication
as they try to find their best friend and not
make the worst mistake of her life, and we see
if they fall in love. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (42:13):
That was a mystery romance. That's what it's.
Speaker 4 (42:19):
The I had on the panel. The moderator was like,
it's kind of is like a mystery. It's not a mystery,
but you're like trying to throw on like a wild
goose chasse trying to find a bride.
Speaker 2 (42:29):
Yeah, and so there then there's the plot of you
with this front of me.
Speaker 4 (42:34):
Yes, like like a second chance. There's like in romance,
there's like all these tropes. Okay, so like a road
trip is a trope like a second it's a second
chance romance. So it's like, okay, with they've had all
these moments where it just like has been a lot
of almost and Emma believes are like mistakes in her
life with Thin, So what's the mistake they haven't.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
Made based on anything in real life?
Speaker 3 (43:02):
Is this all fantasy?
Speaker 4 (43:03):
It's all It's definitely a fictional story. But I would
say Emma her thoughts and feelings or thoughts and feelings
I've had. Finn is not just one person but and
honestly some of Finn is as parts of me too,
but he is like greatest hits combined, we'll say that.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Fun.
Speaker 3 (43:25):
Yeah, So like there's a lot there's a lot of.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
Pieces in there that that like people might not know
are my life but but they're in there. I know,
but I know.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
But then there are parts that are like very often
is releasing this book different than your first book? Because
I feel like the first book was really deeply personal, yes,
and this book is it's still personal, but it's a
little bit of like an escape.
Speaker 3 (43:48):
Yeah you does it feel lighter?
Speaker 4 (43:49):
It feels fun? Yeah, it feels fun. The last book,
I'm I love like hearing how people might really resonated
with that. But yeah, it was like really vulnerable. But
this is still vulnerable because I can't write anything that
I don't know. So, like Emma in this book, like
she's on her own journey of like why does she
(44:11):
even feel like she has to have it all together?
Why does she take it upon herself to go chase
down her friend who, for whatever reason is is nowhere
to be seen on her wedding weekend. There's like a
deep rooted stuff going on that the that the reader
gets to go on as she kind of figures out
(44:32):
why do I always feel like I have to be
this way? And do I have to And there's like
a really emotional journey that she goes on. She has
like a hard relationship with her dad, and Finn kind
of helps her as she tries to like work through
that and heal And that is that was important for
(44:55):
me for there to be some emotional death in there,
and that emotional death have to come from somewhere and me,
even though we have totally different stories.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
Right, it has to stem from the idea, has to
come from a personal experience.
Speaker 4 (45:08):
I can't write about like a feeling that I don't
really know about.
Speaker 3 (45:12):
It's very swift. Nobody else give us your top five
in order.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
It's been a few weeks since The Tortured Poet's Department
has been out.
Speaker 3 (45:27):
You've had some time to listen. Give us your what
do you ask for? Top three? Top five to five?
Speaker 4 (45:33):
That's hard because I haven't fully gotten to like three. Okay,
so I my favorite is I can do it with
a broken heart because it just it resonates so deeply.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Oh wow, I love dark.
Speaker 4 (45:49):
Yeah, I mean this is it's twenty nineteen, Hannah. That
is like you're putting on a show, like like you're
so sad, so messed up. Yeah, but every year still
hitting your marks.
Speaker 3 (46:00):
Yeah one Dancing with.
Speaker 4 (46:00):
The Star is like, actually, like I have a human being.
So yeah, I was like I feel this. I would say,
I really like I like all the more like poppy ones.
I love Down bat Down Bad. I love so high
school because it sounds like it should be in a
nineties movie, and I love it. But then it's like
(46:22):
kind of silly, but I love it.
Speaker 3 (46:23):
I don't care. That's three.
Speaker 4 (46:26):
I thought I was soon five.
Speaker 3 (46:27):
Oh, Okay, I keep going.
Speaker 4 (46:31):
I feel like I'm forgetting. I really like the freaking
Witchy one. Why can I not think of what it is?
Clara bo That one's so good? Yeah, but it's not
that one.
Speaker 3 (46:46):
Is it guilty of sin?
Speaker 4 (46:48):
No? Who's afraid of little old Meat?
Speaker 3 (46:50):
It gives me every time.
Speaker 4 (46:52):
When I listened to that the first time, I cackled
like an actual witch. I was like, this lady is
deranged and I love it.
Speaker 3 (46:59):
Yeah, And then I feel like I'm like the Alchemy.
I say, the Alchemy.
Speaker 4 (47:07):
That's the one that I was like, the other one
about Travis.
Speaker 3 (47:09):
I like that one.
Speaker 4 (47:10):
And then I also like so Long London because it
makes me sad. I'm having Okay, I love this. I
love this album. But I looked at No. I just
looked at Adam the other day and I was like,
I feel like Taylor Swift sometimes just regulates my emotions
because I'm like in a good place. But then I
listen to it and I go dark with her, I'm
(47:32):
really feeling it.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
It's a collective emotional but she's so good about because
it makes you feel that way.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
So yeah, but I have I.
Speaker 4 (47:41):
Will say, I having not to listen to it as
much as I normally have had to like to. So
those are just like initial like the ones that like
I listen to. I like that, Yeah, I want to
know yours. I feel like you've really been able to
do a deep dive. Yeah, So I'm gonna go ahead
and say that. I think my favorite is the Black Dog.
That one was I see because I can't remember because
(48:02):
I've only got to listen to him like one time.
Speaker 3 (48:04):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
I can't tell you how much I relate to that
following their location after you break up every little movie.
Speaker 3 (48:10):
I would never do that. Yeah, yeah, me and Taylor Swift,
you know.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Yeah, I wouldn't say you that, but I love that song.
I also love the Tortured Poet's Apartment.
Speaker 4 (48:21):
Haven't even got to listen to that one yet.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
Like that one, my Charlie Poots Sweater still to this
day because he finally is getting the recognition that he
deserves in that song.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
So like that one, I love.
Speaker 4 (48:31):
Than I have listened to it's just been book.
Speaker 3 (48:37):
I make my author era yeah, yes and gets.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
It before we go, you said you were half a
human when you want Dancing the stars.
Speaker 3 (49:03):
What happened during that time?
Speaker 4 (49:05):
I was just like really heartbreak broken, Like it was
a really hard time for me, and like I really
felt like I had to win to make anything worth it,
if that makes sense. Like I was such a little
pure soul going on to that show, like I genuinely was.
(49:25):
I didn't watch the show before. I didn't like go
on it for like I remember being like I don't
care that I have like millions of followers, like I
genuinely don't. Like I really thought that like all these
doors were opening, like I didn't even pursue this, and
then this happened, and so now it has to be
(49:49):
worth it. This it didn't work out the way I
wanted it to, and now it's got to be worth something.
So I just like, yeah, I wasn't I didn't like
talk to anybody. I was pretty not in a good place.
You know, I text you nothing, nothing good, but that
was like everything I ghosted.
Speaker 3 (50:04):
I was ghosted as well.
Speaker 2 (50:05):
Yeah, I get you, because when I'm in a person,
when I'm down.
Speaker 3 (50:12):
I I can't even say hi. No, I don't even
want to say like I need space.
Speaker 4 (50:18):
I can't say I can't say anything because I think
it was like also vulnerable. I didn't want people to
even though it was pretty I mean to me, No,
it wasn't obviously I wasn't talking to anybody.
Speaker 3 (50:27):
But yeah, like I really isolate.
Speaker 4 (50:30):
Pretty bad, and in that time I really did, Like
my best friends at home would be like there's something wrong,
like they really knew there was stuff there's it was.
Speaker 3 (50:40):
It was bad.
Speaker 4 (50:41):
Yeah, it was really hard time and then it got
worse before it got better.
Speaker 3 (50:45):
But like.
Speaker 4 (50:47):
It, I think that's for anybody that's like having a
hard time. Sometimes it's like not on your The healing
process has been a lot longer than I would have
liked it to be, but it's been so worth it.
But yeah, what goes for ghosting? I guess must come
up bigger like actually not kidding because I well.
Speaker 2 (51:05):
Know it really happened, but I get it. I was like,
she goes to me, but I feel that because I
do that.
Speaker 3 (51:11):
Yeah, because a ghost or too as.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
A ghost myself. Yes, what's next? You have a podcast?
Better tomorrow?
Speaker 3 (51:20):
Yes, you have a two books. Yes, mistakes. We never
made a novel.
Speaker 4 (51:28):
Out now.
Speaker 3 (51:29):
Yes, do you have things on the horizon?
Speaker 4 (51:33):
Yeah, I'm actually working on book two. Oh so this
is gonna be like a is it? It's well, the
story continues, it's in the same world. So some of
the characters that you reading another book.
Speaker 3 (51:47):
Yeah, I'm in my author era and I love it.
Do you want a series so much?
Speaker 4 (51:52):
I would like both a series and a movie. Oh oh,
I mean like a book series. Like I'm like, yeah,
I hope this continues, but yeah, I would love I
can see it being both, honestly, So it just depends
on who picks it up. Who picks it up and
you're scross. I mean everybody wants that. That's the dream.
I'm gonna like put it out there. Yeah, so we're
here own book two right now.
Speaker 3 (52:13):
I respect it so much. Let me tell you.
Speaker 1 (52:15):
When I did my book, I wrote it with one
of my best friends, so it was like fifty percent
of the work, and I still came out of that
being like who it's I'm good for a minute.
Speaker 3 (52:24):
And it's a long.
Speaker 4 (52:25):
It's such a long process and people be like, what
are you doing and You're like, I'm doing the same
thing I was doing.
Speaker 3 (52:31):
A few months. Yeah, though, I'm literally, yeah, I know.
And it's very funny because I do.
Speaker 4 (52:35):
I do the podcast and then I do the morning
show with Ryan, and that's you put it out, and
you put it up the same day, and like every day,
it's like it's in and out. And the book was
like so much in in in and in and in,
and then it was finally out and I was like, wow, yeah,
it's great. Yeah yeah, so I'm I'm really excited. I
think they'll be people when they read the book. They'll
be a character they really want to know more about.
(52:57):
And that that.
Speaker 3 (53:00):
Too, Yes, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
I just had this realization that Okay, you go on
the Bachelor. I know it's not winning the Bachelor, but
you become the Bachelor, and so you kind of won
the Bachelor.
Speaker 3 (53:11):
You go on Dance with the Stars.
Speaker 2 (53:12):
You went Dance with the Stars, You go on Special Forces,
you win Special Forces.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
I gosh, you're a winner. Are you gonna go on
Traders next? Cause, like, I haven't really.
Speaker 4 (53:21):
Watched it, so people keep saying that they're like, you
gotta go on Traders.
Speaker 3 (53:24):
You haven't watched it.
Speaker 4 (53:26):
I've watched like one episode.
Speaker 3 (53:28):
TV an option in your future.
Speaker 4 (53:31):
Yeah, I think if it like was in alignment with
where I'm at now, you know, we're we're also in
our deep, deep healing era, So like it would have
to be something that was more like an experience, like
a what experience or something that like can better me
in some way, can prove me wrong about something about myself.
Like I feel like Special Forces really did that.
Speaker 3 (53:52):
It is probably not gonna do that. It's gonna make
you like lion sheet and steel.
Speaker 4 (53:57):
That's what Like, I feel like if I and I'm
not a good liar, So if I had to be
a trade is the trader, people like you'd be so good.
I'm like, no, Like I won't win that show like
that would That's just not in the cards for me.
Speaker 3 (54:10):
Like yeah, I don't think.
Speaker 4 (54:12):
But I feel like people would vote me off because
they think of me as a winner. So I'm like,
why you why do you go?
Speaker 3 (54:18):
Why you like she wins too much? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (54:22):
So but like I always feel like when I win,
I'm like it was just like lucky, you know. But yeah,
people will say that like, oh my gosh, they're such
a winner. But like I guess I did pageants for
a long time, and I did not win a lot
like I did not win a lot like not even
(54:43):
like get placed. And then I ended up winning and
it was like a shock, like my mom going into
there called me a first place loser, being in a
very sweet way like being like because I'd be like,
why am I still doing this? Like it is like
hits hers my ego every single time. It's it's a
hard life to live in this that pageant world, Like
why am I doing this? And she was like, and
(55:05):
I this was the one time I didn't like prep
for it at all. I just went in and I
was like, I'm just gonna be myself, like I'm pretty
sure I read a sermon the day before to try
to get me in a good like headspace before I
walked into my interview, not like usually like girls will
like have like logs of like questions that might be asked,
Like no, I just like reade a sermon and a
devotional out in my Bible and was like, all right,
let's try this out. And I won, but like and
(55:30):
then and then mister say, it didn't like win anything.
It don't like it didn't even like.
Speaker 3 (55:34):
Place it in.
Speaker 4 (55:34):
It's like my whole life, I've kind of felt like yah,
and so it's weird now people like think of me
as like a winner.
Speaker 3 (55:43):
And I'm like, yeah, I am. You're a winner for us.
Speaker 4 (55:46):
Thank you, thank you. I'm like, what is is?
Speaker 3 (55:48):
It? Is it up? I don't know.
Speaker 4 (55:50):
It was a great run.
Speaker 3 (55:51):
You're just starting your own book number two? What the
book number two? Yeah? And then wedding in twenty twenty five,
twenty twenty six.
Speaker 4 (55:59):
I think we're we're we're hoping for twenty twenty five.
Speaker 3 (56:01):
We'll see. Do you have ideas, any ideas or have
you even gone.
Speaker 4 (56:05):
That I haven't done any of it, but yeah, I
have like a full board, not a pincher sport, like
I just save dresses and they all like I just
save any dress that I like, And there's like a
obvious style that I like. Okay, but I would when
I go. I'm gonna still try on everything. It's so fun.
Do you have your wedding dress?
Speaker 2 (56:23):
No?
Speaker 3 (56:24):
I don't. I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (56:24):
I think I'm gonna start trying on very soon. Do
you have like a design like a do you have
like a mermaid? I think is what I'm a mermaid.
I think that's what I'm gonna like I can see
in that.
Speaker 4 (56:32):
Yeah, I really want I don't like a poofy gown
like not, but like I like a more like ball gown,
cupcakey kind of like a Monique Lulie Oscar de la Renta. Yeah, yeah, moment, yeah,
but like this being like really like tight tight yeah
and yes, yeah.
Speaker 3 (56:51):
But not too big.
Speaker 4 (56:53):
Don't don't me think, you know, not with like a
one of those hoop skirts under it, which is like
I do want more of a full skirt. I think
you watch me being like something like skin tight.
Speaker 3 (57:02):
I think it changes. That's what I've heard from.
Speaker 4 (57:05):
Everyone, but I'm thinking I want something like I want.
Speaker 3 (57:09):
To feel like a bride.
Speaker 4 (57:10):
A bride and I've wore like all the tight, sexy
dresses and like I've just done that. I want to
do that. I don't think I want to feel like
a princess.
Speaker 3 (57:22):
Yeah, yeah, I really do.
Speaker 4 (57:25):
Like the longest bill ever, it's like, oh my gosh,
we get it. You're not King Middleton, but I want
to feel.
Speaker 3 (57:30):
Like it that day, Yeah, as you should. Yeah. Yeah, well,
we are so happy for you.
Speaker 2 (57:34):
I'm so I'm genuinely like so proud of the work
because I know I know, just going through therapy, the
work that it takes to get down to the to
the bottom to get to the top. Yes, you're doing it,
and I love that you're talking about it publicly. And
thank you for coming on.
Speaker 3 (57:50):
And yeah, thank you coming back on. I love to
be here. We love you so much.
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rt An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in. Scrub a dub dub.
We have a returning scrubbing in guest who you all
know Anne Love.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Yes, she has scrubbed in before. Her name is Hannah Brown.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Hannah Brown.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
She is formerly the Bachelorette, now an engaged woman.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
She also is a New York Times best selling author,
a podcast host.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
She does it all and we are so privileged to
have her sitting across from us in today's episode of
scrubbing In. So everybody, welcome back, Hannannana Brown, Hannah.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Brown, Hi, God, back in ther I'm so glad to
be here. Just you know, two brides this time.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
Wow, what a journey.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Yeah, but we're here, We're here.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
I mean I don't even feel like a bride quite
yet because I've done nothing. But yeah, excuse me, I've
done way more.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I think it sounds like it. What have you done?
A wedding planner? Okay?
Speaker 4 (01:10):
And I started a list, but then that created immense anxiety.
So then I made a few more and still haven't
decided quite which list is making it And Guestless and
then I have started looking well, the wedding planner has
(01:32):
started sending me uh, locations to look at, and I
put them all on a map to see because I'm
thinking international. So I've been putting on a mask. I
went down this journey as well. Did we end up
not doing it?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
No?
Speaker 4 (01:45):
I see, I'm like having all these like I'm questioning
it at all. But right now all we have is
on Google Maps, all the stars, O where the places are.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
That feels like something anyone doing that, so it feels good,
It feels like productive.
Speaker 4 (02:00):
I don't think it's actually like I just want I
want to make sure wherever we get married if we
do international, which then I went into a tail spin
about that. But if we still end up doing that,
it's close to a major city enough, right, so that
people have things to do.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Yeah, I see, that's why I started starring them. Yes,
I see.
Speaker 4 (02:24):
Yes, we spalked about three or four months planning a
whole wedding in Italy just to come back to Los Angeles, California. Wait,
what was what made you decide to change it? I
don't want to send you down a spiral.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
You can just go ahead.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
I'm already like I'm on the cusp of it.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
It's a lot. There's a lot of there was a
lot of folds. Her best friend. Yeah, her best friend.
Speaker 4 (02:47):
Is getting married in Europe, and so she was telling
me all the like calms of it of like it's
just a lot to ask of people. It's a lot,
Like it's just like a lot of headache to just
do it somewhere else.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
So like that really got to me.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Also, the scheduling of it was really we have a
lot of kids in our family, so we had to
do it around school and breaks, and like with my work,
it was just it was all the scheduling was just
like too much that I was like, this is just
too much headache.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
I'm done with it. I totally get that.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
I in therapy, I realized my wound is I always
feel like a burden, yes, And so asking people to
come to my wedding in a different country is really
triggering sharing me, even though that's where I want to be.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
I didn't know I had that wound, but I have
that wound too.
Speaker 4 (03:34):
Yes, I don't know, but nobody's gonna come unless they
want to come. Exact in my mind, I'm like, why
am I putting that pressure or that burden on somebody
to spend thousands of dollars. Yes, take time out of
their day, take work off. Yes, just for me to say,
I do totally. I think for me because Adams from Oklahoma,
I'm from Alabama. We live in Tennessee, but we met
(03:54):
here in Los Angeles. It's like everybody's going to have
to go somewhere for us, and I don't think I
want to get married in Alabama. We're definitely not get
married in Oklahoma. Tennessee doesn't quite feel like the place
for like where I want to get married and everybody
would have and like so it would be like California
or international, and I'm just like, I kind of want
(04:16):
to go international.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
But Okay, y'all talked about this on the Valentine's Day
episode of your podcast.
Speaker 4 (04:21):
Yeah, we hadn't gone when did we say?
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Then? Sorry? No, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
This was the post engagement podcast, which I think a
lot has changed.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Yes, but you someone asked what.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Kind of wedding you wanted, and y'all were kind of like,
we haven't even gone there, yes, but he was saying,
it's more about who's there, and you were kind of
more like, I want something intimate destination, he wants a
big wedding.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Has that it's changed, Oh, definitely. He's also on my
side of like it needs to be about us. Yes,
I think he has that same. He definitely feels the
burden thing and wants to like accommodate everyone. Yeah, even
more so then I do. And I think he was
having a hard time like really doing like saying what
(05:07):
he actually wanted or where we felt the most connected
because of being scared it's an international or somewhere that
was more of an inconvenience or some of our family.
So now we've really gotten to a place of like
this is a celebration of like our love, So like
it should be like the thing, the thing that feels
(05:29):
the best, the most connected for us.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
Yeah, and we the people who love us are going
to want that for us on our wedding day and
they want to celebrate that. Yeah, they don't want to
celebrate it sucks. People want to go to a wedding
and like really be like rooting for this relationship, believing
in this relationship and want it to feel connecting and
see that in the couple that they're supporting. So why
(05:54):
don't we do everything to create that environment and he's
down now he's like, oh.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Oh wow, Okay, can we go back to a few months,
almost a year ago getting up to you right, so.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
To say sorry, don't want to rush it.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
Six months you get engaged.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
You tell the story about the engagement on your podcast
with Adam, and it's a very real and honest story.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Yeah, there's no fluff.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
It's very not what you expect based on what we
saw on Instagram. Yes, can you talk about the engagement
a little bit because you you talked about your anxiety
where you were at mentally, and I cannot imagine being
in that headspace and making a decision like that.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
So I wanted to hear hear you talk about it.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
Yeah, it was really tough, and I know that I have,
like all, I was going through a lot at that point. Also,
like I mean I like contact, there was a lot
actually like other stuff going on, Like I had just
(07:10):
changed like medications.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
There was like a lot.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Happening to make my anxiety, like through the roof, I
change medications.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
That can that's like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
And Adam also he had planned this like really sweet
thing with other people coming and so it was He's
really had to work on that of like, oh, like
I was, so I started to worry about what other
people would feel if I said, oh, actually I need
to change this, versus really being able to sit in
(07:42):
like the uncomfortableness of oh maybe this is like she's
really struggling right now. And it made it to where
it was like I wanted of course, I was like
gonna say yeah, yes, but it was more like my
therapist just told me not to make a biggest any
life like big life decisions right now. That's what she
(08:03):
had told me literally a few days before. And then
I told him literally a few days before he was
planning on being engaged, that she told me that, so
like it was just like chaos. Then I'm like, I
just did exactly what she told me not to do,
but like I'm not going to say no.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
But also this is just it was just weird.
Speaker 4 (08:22):
Timing, and so it was, Yeah, it was just a
tough time. And I think I've talked to a lot
of people now, especially me, like being very honest.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
About how I actually felt.
Speaker 4 (08:33):
This happens to so many people, especially if you have
like commitment stuff or just like had relationships in the
past that like really affected you. It's like this is
what you this is what I want. But there's still
a fear of making a huge lifelong decision like I have.
I have fears deciding what sandwich I want for lunch,
(08:56):
and I'll go back and forth, back and forth and
be like, I don't know, I shouldn't Probably I've gotten
that I should have actually asked for the sauce of
so like this type of uh, like commitment is is
going to like trigger an anxiety in me?
Speaker 3 (09:14):
And so, yeah, it was, it was. Actually it was tough.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
But man, we have gotten so connected since then because
it really allowed us to like work on some of
those big wounds that I didn't even know why it
made me react the way that I did, And we're
in like such a good space now, But it was,
it was, it was a ride for a little bit.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Yeah, I was wondering because you talked about how you
felt unlovable and that you almost had resentment towards him.
I've never heard someone say that, which I was like, oh,
that is such a deep rooted admission but also self
awareness to be able to admit that. But you said
you had resentment towards him, that he was able to
love you.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Yeah, I'm very avoidant and when somebody Adam is avoidant too. Yeah,
we're both avoidant, so it makes it tough tough to
actually like had those conversations. We never really fault. We
didn't know how to like have. We would both just
like kind of move on and get over it type thing.
(10:18):
And he's been with me and my worst like absolute worst,
and it, Yeah, it really made me.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Feel like why do you want to be with me?
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Like I am so messed up and you're still choosing
to like be with me through all this, And yeah,
it was hard because I'm like, I don't even like me?
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Why do you like me?
Speaker 4 (10:40):
There must be something wrong with you, you know. And
we had I think in the podcast we talked about this,
like he looked at me one day and he was like,
what did he say? I'm trying to think of how
it got into there. He was like, I know, Oh.
I told him that I'm like I feel unlovable and
(11:01):
he was like, well, I don't want you to. You
shouldn't treat me any different because I know that I'm
the one that's right, like you are lovable and like
I want to be with you, and I want to
like learn how to work through all this with you,
And then we started go into couple's therapy and like
really being able to figure out, Oh why do this
because I'm like super avoidant and feel like I'm trying
(11:24):
to save somebody from being with me because I am
just like too much to handle. Like, if you really
knew me, you wantn't want to be my friend, you
wantn't want to be.
Speaker 3 (11:35):
In a relation? Is that? What is that? I'm trying
to imagine you at your worst? Like what does that mean? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (11:40):
I mean I guess it's I think just like I
really struggle with my depression and anxiety, and of course,
like people don't, I don't share that like I do.
I go. I isolate so much. I'm such an isolator,
like I'm not going to talk to anybody. I'm going
to be by myself, just getting super anxious about anything.
(12:04):
And so that's really hard to be able to connect
with somebody, to be to create intimacy in any shape
or fashion, like just being able to like have a
connecting conversation, being able to want to sit close to somebody.
I'm like, just everybody get away from me because there's
(12:24):
something there's some belief that I think there's like something
inherently broken about me. I am, I am so much
more secure than I was. Then that's like attachment theory
is kind of what I'm learning all about is just
like like obsessed with the toy. And yeah, so I
don't know exactly where that comes from. Actually, I mean
(12:46):
I kind of do. It's like it makes sense for
my childhood. But yeah, he has a similar wound. And
so it's been so cool to be able to recognize
that and then to be able to actually like help
you each other and these beliefs that we have about
ourselves and continuing to like prove each other wrong. One
(13:07):
of the things that therapist says that I love that
She's like a lot of people would rather be right
and then be happy. So if I can keep proving
that I'm a burden or I'm too much like at
least that that's fitting the narrative in my head instead
of like working on that changing that so that I
(13:27):
can be happy. That was like a hard shift for me,
but we've been doing it and it's been great.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Did Okay, so you said that comes from childhood, but
did did your time on the as a bachelorette and
not time post bachelorette.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
True, definitely hands to the surface.
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Yeah, I think all that of course, like in relationship
was definitely brought up, and I would I had. I
had been single for like a year before I was
on the Bachelor, but I had had a lot of
stuff happened in my relationships for that too, So there
was just a lot of like stuff that had never
(14:05):
really been he'll discuss talked about. And it was just
like one thing after another after another after another. Even
when I met Adam, Like I wasn't wanting anything serious
because I was like, I'm not ready for that, but
like he just loved me and just kept showing up
and staying there even when I'm like why.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
So, yeah, it's so crazy hearing that from you because
knowing you and like even just watching you as a
bachelor atte, I felt like you were just the most lovable.
I feel like you're the most lovable, likable, like just so.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Yeah, I think it's a beliefable.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Well yeah, yeah, and so it's it's so eye opening
hearing someone like you that is so beloved by such
a honestly a pretty polarizing fan base. They can either yeah,
want you to win or want you to crash and burn.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Yeah, and you're so beloved.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
And so it's crazy to it's eye opening, I think
for people to hear you talk about.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
This because it's like her, Yeah, she has everything. Yeah, And.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
I think that's the thing. It's like, people could tell
me I'm the best thing they've ever seen, and it's like,
but what do I believe about myself?
Speaker 3 (15:25):
Like what are.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
I mean? Most of the time when I talk sometimes
I'm like people are thinking I'm an actual idiot.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
You know.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
I have this like background soundtrack, but it's like press
pause for just a second. So yeah, I've had to
really work on that. And I've found, like I talk
about therapy in every single conversation that I have. It's
but I've really finally found somebody who has like a
(15:51):
forty minute therapy conversation. Is I'm not going to get
there in actually getting down to like what I'm saying
to you guys now, like, oh no, I actually just
didn't know how to love myself or I have all
these like limiting and beliefs about myself that have affected
the way that I've been able to be in relationships,
be able to have love given to me, and so.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
I think it's important to share because like it can.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
Look, I was really good at being able to present
this way, but I was feeling something totally different and
now might just presenting the truth. And I actually feel
so much more lovable now. And I think there was
always like joy in me, but I was also just
that can sometimes not always balance out when you have
(16:40):
all the other thoughts going on in the back of
your head. But now I can actually like step into
the joy and not worry about and get so anxious
and worry about the next shoe to drop. But I
can actually like live in the joy in a way
that I haven't been able to before. But I had
to get down to all those like the roots of
(17:01):
where all the hurt and pain started to be able
to ever do that. And it's been it's been a
it's been a long season of trying to like.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Killing Yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Do feel like that's being from the South, because I
know you of we had a conversation about just like
sweeping things under the rug and whether you're hurt or not,
it's just about putting on a joyful face. God is
good and like we didn't talk about therapy. Growing up,
that was never a thing where it was like, let's
(17:35):
maybe go talk to a therapist if something is you
know that no one talked about therapy, and so when
I started it, I was like, why aren't we talking
about this more?
Speaker 3 (17:43):
This is since this is so healing totally.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
I mean even now, I mean, who's that talking to?
Talking to your friend yesterday, He's like yeah, I mean
like me and my brother, like he went down another
a different path of me. It was more like the
rebellious one, and like I was the one that felt
like I had to have everything together, and both of
us had our own like breakdowns, and we've both gone
(18:10):
to therapy and we're like talk about it, and my parents.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Just are like, oh gosh, that's just.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
Y'all can do that, but like I'm not doing I'm
not doing that, and we'll kind of like not. I
think they've gotten a little bit better, but I think
it like just scares them because I don't think they're
willing to confront confront all the stuff that they that
that has hurt them. And so I can sometimes feel
that a lot when I'm in the South there with
(18:38):
my family, like it's like, oh, there must be something
really wrong with you and it's like, well, yes, but
also like where do you think that comes from?
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (18:49):
But I also think too like therapy, I think that
it it's for people, that it's for people that want
to grow, and I think people who don't appreciate therapy
or people.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Don't have ego, fixed mindset, ego.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
I think ego comes a lot because I think when
I'm in therapy, I feel so humbled and I'm like,
oh my gosh, So I'm not always right and my
opinion is not always the right one, and like the
way that I do things isn't necessarily.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Always the right way.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
But there's not really right in a wrong way, it's
just there's the way a way, yes. And I think
that people who are very anti therapy have are very
like I don't know what the word is, rigid.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
Yeah, and just like stuck in their ways fixed. It's
like a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. And like
I will say, the one thing that I am, I
do it one thing, but one thing. One of the
things that I'm really proud about myself is I do
feel like I'm not somebody that will be complacent in
my life, Like I think I'm very resilient and I
(19:43):
am going to work through it all even when it's
really tough.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
And I think.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
I have a really big growth mindset and if you're not,
I think it intimidates or makes people. It makes people
put their walls up, but they're just not there yet
because like they're just not going to do the work.
And yeah, it's just those are my people. It's my family.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
I love them.
Speaker 4 (20:12):
But you can't, like you can't force somebody to do
something they don't want to. Yeah, but you can like
change the way that you interact with them. You can
set boundaries, set boundaries, and then it has taken a while,
but I've seen like the shift of that too, of
how we interact.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Yeah, I know it takes time and it takes work,
and sometimes it's the work. It's on you, as the
person who has the growth mindset to know how to
set the boundaries and put in the work to make
sure the family dynamics stays as healthy as Yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
Yeah, Like I love my family and I want to
be a part of my family, but I want to
choose and change the way that I interact. Yeah, And
I've been able to do that with a lot of
help in a lot.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Yeah, I want to talk to you about your book,
I want to talk to you about Tyler Cameron, and
I want to talk to you.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
About the Way.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
But first we're going to take a break. All right,
we're back from the break. Hannah Brown, you made a
snarky little comment when.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
I said Tyler Cameron. There wasn't. Of course there was snark,
which I appreciate. Well, Mecca just speaks the internet.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
What do you mean she just speaks the internet because.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
All I see are edits of of you and Tyler Cameron.
I need to just know. It'd be like, what is
going on? I know it's weird, right, Yes, I know, but.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Yeah it's it's weird, and it's it's it's even weirder
because you're an engagements.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Yeah, it makes you think about it though in terms
of like we do this so much with the people
that are like married.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Or have been married for twenty years.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
Yeah, like it's so unt I think it's like I
was actually thinking about this this week.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
I'm like, it's just.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
I think it's just something that people it never actually
happened too.
Speaker 3 (22:30):
That's what's so weird, is like it's a love of
history fiction. It's fan fiction. Yeah, it's fan fiction.
Speaker 4 (22:36):
So it's just interesting to me that people have like
created this narrative that actually ever existed.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
I know, because y'all had post bachelorette y'all ended up
quarantining on accident together. Yes, but nothing ever happened. But
people don't know about that, or they do they know
about that.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
You But I think it's it's like I feel like
it's one of those like it it would be like
an epic.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Love story, right, right, but it was it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Well you're explaining it is like it's fan fiction, right,
So people like have this fantasy of the two of you.
They make these stitches, right stitches?
Speaker 3 (23:19):
Yeah, what is that called? It's called like a compilation.
I would say, what do you call that? Like a
fan video?
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Like a yeah, yeah, so they make these like super
cuts of you guys. But it's not fan fiction because
you are a real person and you're in a real relationship.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
So like my question is you are engaged and you
have a fiance. Does he see any of this and
like does it why does it make him feel? I
mean I I yes, he has seen it, but I
think we're really secure in our relationship and like I said,
like that was also a really long time ago. Yeah,
that's amazing, and I think.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
He sees it.
Speaker 4 (23:57):
But we also like know where we're at and as
a couple and like planning a wedding.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
So he's like, bye, good, this is what I'm telling Tanya,
And this is definitely something after hearing you say that,
that I need to work on, probably as myself.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
But you went and filmed The Tyler.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Show, and I was curious after Adam sees all these
this fan fiction and what people think, Yeah, was there
any hesitation from him when you told him you were
going to do that.
Speaker 3 (24:25):
We definitely talked about it, and.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
It was more like why I was doing it, and
I love interior design. It was a great way to
be able to do that and just show that that's
something that I'm passionate about and Tyler and I like,
I don't know, like it's just not the way that
everybody like actually thinks it is, and I Adam knows
(24:49):
that as well. But yeah, I mean it's probably I'm
not going to speak for him, but I'm sure it's
probably annoying sometimes, but like we're good. Yeah, oh yeah,
like he's I don't think he like worries about.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
That.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
Yeah, he trust to you.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
He's like, yeah, it's like it can be annoying to
watch and see, but also truth is and what the
fact is about.
Speaker 4 (25:13):
Totally and like it was it was actually a good thing,
like for Tyler and I. Like it was definitely just
like working together and that's progress.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
It was good.
Speaker 4 (25:31):
It had been like so much time we hadn't really
seen each other, and it actually just it was it
was a good experience. It was yeah, good, you know,
I would I can't make my fiance jealous to save
my life.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
The only man he's been jealous over was Harry Styles,
which is valid.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
And try to wear Harry Styles Murch sometimes to be
like a rise are you would you say, like do
you have jealousy stuff? Oh, I'm very insecure, really attached.
Speaker 4 (26:01):
I'm not jealous. I do not get jealous because you're avoidant.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
Oh is that why I was avoidant too?
Speaker 4 (26:07):
But I attachmentselves.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
You can shift, you can, you can shift out of them.
But yeah, if you're avoidant, you're not gonna get jealous.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
I don't get jealous, Like I'm just like if I
find it, I'll find out one day so I'm just
going to live my life like if somebody, like if
I'm like in a relationship where I feel jealousy or
like I'm just like if something happens, I'll find out.
Speaker 3 (26:28):
Yeah, And I have within my mask like it all
like always. I don't know, I just don't sit in
that energy.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Great great place to be. I mean I have a
lot of other Yeah, honestly it's a big one.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
So but you have talked about you talked about your
own individual therapy and how much that has like changed
your life.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
Will she be at your wide and your therapist definitely? Really?
Speaker 4 (26:57):
Oh my gosh, yes, I mean we've talked. I mean
I think it'll be our pastor that there's our wedding,
But I've I've been thinking like okay, like on the
like a welcome party thing, like I might have her
speak about our relationship because okay, that makes it a
little different because she has seen like the couple that
(27:21):
we started out with her as and it's just been
a few months versus what the couple that we will
we will be by the time we get married is
like night and day in like so connected and so
just like have have a growth mindset and like really
understand like how to love each other. Like it has
(27:42):
been crazy the shifts that we've made being so avoidant
with being able to show up for each other that
I'm just I'm so thankful for her giving us the
tools to be able.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
To do that.
Speaker 4 (27:56):
Was she your individual therapist and then she became it's different.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
I was asking about your individual therapist.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
Yeah, I changed to her and we both go to
her individually and together, and she works like on attachment styles.
So my first therapist is great that I was with,
but also I think when you're dealing with relationships trauma, basically,
(28:24):
it's been really great to work with a couple's therapist
and a committed relationship and then we both do our
own separate with her, and then it's just it's like
she's been able to really see us both and be
able to like filter things that we're saying and really
get to the root of that, and then we can
meet together and discuss in a really healthy way that's
(28:45):
actually prompting us to be able to actually handle it worse. Sometimes,
Like in the she always laughs, she's like, I'll do it.
I mean I'll have like three hour sessions with her
and She'll be like, the first hour is like, you're
coming off really wrong with a lot of like your
She'll I see she has a black pin and a
red pin and she starts writing in the red pin
(29:06):
that means it's coming from a really insecure place. And
I'm saying and she'll read back the stuff that I said,
and I'm like, I sound crazy, whoa And She'll be
like yeah, but it's like I have to get through
that part to actually get to the to the deep
part of like what's the actual fear?
Speaker 3 (29:23):
Through hours of therapy, you could do it. No, I
can't even watch TV for three hours straight.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
But it's like I think, no, it's the best. Like
I'm not gonna get to get really anything done in
a forty minute session because just at forty minutes, I'm
finally starting to break open my like what's actually going on?
So to have somebody like do you even feel like
(29:51):
somebody cares enough that burning peace to actually want to
spend the time with me to actually help me has
been and I felt so seen And yeah, I love her.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
What were y'all?
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Because Haley and I I would say I'm in communication styles.
I'm avoidant. She is, I guess more anxious. She's like
an over communicator. I would be like, let's table this
for another time when I feel calmed down.
Speaker 3 (30:34):
Yeah, And so we did. We started a couple of therapy.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
And my my response, you talked about this when people
start couple therapy, or you hear people talking about couple therapy,
it was like they're doomed, like this is the beginning
of the end. And we started it, I think two
years into our relationship, and I remember thinking when she
suggested it, I was like, Oh, we're over, We're why
are we even going through this if we're just breaking up? Yeah,
(30:59):
And it has changed our relationship in ways that no
one ever could have prepared me for.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
So I can get that you're taught and in the
best way and the.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
Best way I want their first year of marriage. Like
there's always like first year of marriage is the hardest. Yeah,
I don't think it has to be if you really
commit and do the hard work of like talking about
these things that can sometimes be uncomfortable. I mean I
had the three hour session that we.
Speaker 5 (31:28):
Had, I I really broke down and had like a
really big aha moment and it was actually like really
scary and things that I've never said before, and to
have my partner be able to be there and hold
my hand while I'm talking about some stuff that like
I've never allowed myself to talk about.
Speaker 3 (31:51):
That's the most.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Connecting thing that you can you can do with a person,
and then also see him let his gone down and
be like, I'm so sorry that happened to you, So
sorry you felt that way. You will never feel that
way with me or you know.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
It's like.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
That is such a blessing because like without her, I
would have never gotten to that, and he would have
never got to see that, and I would never get
to see how he's going to show up for me
and like a really vulnerable place and like it's just
been so healing and I think it's so healing for him,
and then he can understand Okay, now I get where
(32:29):
you know whatever my trigger, this trigger was like now
I really know what that means. And he didn't just
like hear it from me and me being like, oh yeah,
this is what happened therapy to baby. He like saw
it and had to be in there with me. He
had to feel the uncomfortableness that I was feeling and
hold that space for me like, I'm so thankful I
found a person that will do that because a lot
(32:51):
of people won't and he's doing that, live in that
space for me, and then it's making him also do that.
I mean as far as like both us being both,
we're both more avoidant, I would say, I because I can't.
I'm not complacent. Like, if there's something going on, I
(33:12):
can't fully let it go. We've got to talk about it.
We've got to figure it out where I think he could.
Sometimes he has one thing we are not similarized. He
can wear rose colored glasses. I have no rose colored
glasses at all. Like I see if you listen to
the podcast, like I I'll say exactly what it is.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
I hate.
Speaker 4 (33:32):
There's a reason I'm like that. But I can be
pretty I hate saying that. I can be pessimistic, but
I can really always see the like thing that needs
to be worked on, And he'll be like, can we
just like focus all the things that we have good?
I'm like, you know, but we still need to work
on that thing, because I think I fear that if
if I take my eye off that, then it's become
a bigger issue. And so that's I'm I'm I'm learning
(33:56):
how to like and with the therapist, like she hears
and she knows all the things that maybe still we
can improve on. But to be able to say when
she's like, how are you on, can be like we're
in a really great place was hard for me. I
could be like, she's like, you'll you'll talk and y'all,
i'll give you an update, you'll give me a update
on life, and she'll be like, wow, So that was like,
(34:18):
so you've had y'all been really great, really connected. I'll
go No, She's like, but you just told me everything
and it sounds like you are like, no, well, actually
there's this one thing and she's like, okay, Hannah, like
we've got to we've got to work on that. Like
just because there is some things that still you can
improve on doesn't mean that.
Speaker 3 (34:35):
Like this is all good.
Speaker 4 (34:37):
So like there's just been so many things that, like
I said, it's just been like life changing and so
cool for our relationship and for me personally. It also
realize what I can improve on.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Are you a perfectionist?
Speaker 4 (34:51):
No, I'm a like on Enneagram, I'm a three. I'm
like an achiever. Oh, but I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist.
Speaker 3 (34:58):
But you want to be be good. I want to
be good, yeah, you know, but you want the praise
of being good.
Speaker 4 (35:08):
But it's weird because I've gone the praise for being good,
but I don't believe it. So it's like I want
to be able to like really yeah believe it you.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Yeah, what does your therapist think it's going to take
for you to be to believe that?
Speaker 3 (35:21):
Like, what does she think? What does she say when
you still struggle with that?
Speaker 4 (35:28):
Well, one thing that she says is like with all
my past stuff, like the odds are kind of I
love that she like tells me, like the odds are stacked,
would be stacked against you, would be stacked against you
to have a healthy relationship, Like there are reasons why
you feel these ways. And that's really actually validating because
(35:50):
because I could think, oh, there's just something fully wrong
with me, So to hear that was was great. So
it's like, Okay, you have to do the work. And
I guess that she's like, but you are, And that
almost like makes me feel proud good because I'm like, yeah, proud,
like I'm changing this And I think I've been reading
(36:13):
a lot of books about self esteem and realizing where
that comes from and how to like it's something that
like I really need to work on. But I think
the first thing we had to do was to really
recognize that, like I have a self esteem issues or
I've had all these things in the past, and to
say it's obvious where that comes from, but you're doing
(36:37):
the work to change that. And then she I have
I journal a lot to her and so then it's
like rewiring my brain and now note and I'm just
noticing differences through the work. Yeah, So there's no like
easy route. I'm not just gonna like feel better one day,
Like I'm gonna have to like it's work my way through.
(36:59):
I wish there were you know, the whole like the
way I was through. It sucks, but it's true.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
It is true even if.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
You take a easy route, it's you're always gonna come
to another place where you have to acknowledge these things.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
So why not why not do it now? If not now?
When of books? Author? This though is a fiction book? Yes,
how did you write this? Honestly? I need to know, like.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Do you just sit down like and just you have
this idea and this is a big book.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
This is a thick, Mom, me thick, She's yeah, three
hundred pages.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Over three hundred pages.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
Well, I it's funny.
Speaker 4 (37:48):
Like a lot of the things that I've done I
wouldn't like dream of. But one thing I've always loved
reading and like writing for myself. And I told my
mom and like high school, college, like first year year
of college. I can't remember exactly when, but I was
sitting in the kitchen and I was like, one day,
I really want to write a novel. Like that is
(38:09):
a dream that I have. It wasn't this idea, but
it's always been something that I've wanted to do. I
actually had this. I was on this panel the other
day for the La Times Festival of Books. One of
the other authors on the panel, I realized with what
(38:31):
she said, like where this comes from from me? That
it comes from like she's like for her, she like
it really came from a storytelling came from me with
like when I played with my barbies, because that was
and I was like, oh my gosh, this all makes
sense to me because of stuff happening, Like I would
get really into the narratives and the stories and the
(38:55):
plot of my barbies, like it was tabled friends would
come over and want to play with my dolls. Sorry, can't.
We're like in scene right now. Yeah, and you can't
mess up what's actually going on because like I've already
had this written out in my head that needs to
play It needs to be played out right now.
Speaker 3 (39:09):
So like, do not take that Barbie out.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
Of the limo, yeah, because they're on they're on a
journey right now and you can't mess with them. So
like that was always weird, and so like it really
I've always had this like I don't want to say gift,
but like escape of storytelling. And so I think when
I first got an agent, like one of the very
first things, they're like, what do you want to do?
(39:33):
And you know, I'm like, I don't know, I don't
even know.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
I but one of.
Speaker 4 (39:39):
The things I always said is like, I mean, it's
a it's a far, it's it's a big dream. I
don't exactly know how to write a novel, but like
I would really like to do this. And so it's
finally came into fruition, which is really cool.
Speaker 3 (39:52):
But yeah, it's tough.
Speaker 4 (39:53):
I had a co author who helped me, Emily Larby,
and that was that That is why this book, it's
here in the time it took it to you know,
it took about two years, but it would probably would
have taken me a lot longer. And she just really
helped me like be.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
Able to.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
Get all the ideas I have like on the paper
and actually like, what's what's so interesting that I didn't realize.
It's just how much organization goes into creating this, like
the plot points that have to be done, and how
many through lines there has you have to be thinking
about all at one time. So it was like hours
and hours on zoom calls with these ideas, going back
(40:38):
and forth about things and then editing all the time,
writing a whole big things of things that then be
like this actually sucks putting it back. I mean, it
takes a lot of work. But it was so great,
and it was because I had like a lot of
support that helped encourage me and believe in me, and yeah,
(41:01):
I'm really proud of it.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
Can you Okay, you have thirty seconds you're on the
elevator with someone and they're like, what is this book about?
Speaker 3 (41:08):
Thirty seconds go.
Speaker 4 (41:10):
I hate you right now?
Speaker 3 (41:12):
This is like my it was a long time though.
Would you said what's actually Timer? That's Timer. Okay. So
the book is about oh.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
We haven't had it yet, Okay, go okay. The book
is about a girl named Emma who's very type. It
feels like she has to have everything together and she
is the maid of honor for her best friend Sibyl's wedding,
and everything was going great. She's the best maid of
honor until the bride goes missing and she has to.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
Uh literally like wait show me.
Speaker 4 (41:46):
She has to basically uh go on a road trip
with her uh frind of me, Finn Hughes, who has
just been a lot of like an almost in her life,
like they've never actually been in a relationship time.
Speaker 3 (41:58):
They no, no, no, I mean more.
Speaker 4 (41:59):
But they get to go and they're in this like
forced proximity to actually like work out all this miscommunication
as they try to find their best friend and not
make the worst mistake of her life, and we see
if they fall in love. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (42:13):
That was a mystery romance. That's what it's.
Speaker 4 (42:19):
The I had on the panel. The moderator was like,
it's kind of is like a mystery. It's not a mystery,
but you're like trying to throw on like a wild
goose chasse trying to find a bride.
Speaker 2 (42:29):
Yeah, and so there then there's the plot of you
with this front of me.
Speaker 4 (42:34):
Yes, like like a second chance. There's like in romance,
there's like all these tropes. Okay, so like a road
trip is a trope like a second it's a second
chance romance. So it's like, okay, with they've had all
these moments where it just like has been a lot
of almost and Emma believes are like mistakes in her
life with Thin, So what's the mistake they haven't.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
Made based on anything in real life?
Speaker 3 (43:02):
Is this all fantasy?
Speaker 4 (43:03):
It's all It's definitely a fictional story. But I would
say Emma her thoughts and feelings or thoughts and feelings
I've had. Finn is not just one person but and
honestly some of Finn is as parts of me too,
but he is like greatest hits combined, we'll say that.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Fun.
Speaker 3 (43:25):
Yeah, So like there's a lot there's a lot of.
Speaker 4 (43:30):
Pieces in there that that like people might not know
are my life but but they're in there. I know,
but I know.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
But then there are parts that are like very often
is releasing this book different than your first book? Because
I feel like the first book was really deeply personal, yes,
and this book is it's still personal, but it's a
little bit of like an escape.
Speaker 3 (43:48):
Yeah you does it feel lighter?
Speaker 4 (43:49):
It feels fun? Yeah, it feels fun. The last book,
I'm I love like hearing how people might really resonated
with that. But yeah, it was like really vulnerable. But
this is still vulnerable because I can't write anything that
I don't know. So, like Emma in this book, like
she's on her own journey of like why does she
(44:11):
even feel like she has to have it all together?
Why does she take it upon herself to go chase
down her friend who, for whatever reason is is nowhere
to be seen on her wedding weekend. There's like a
deep rooted stuff going on that the that the reader
gets to go on as she kind of figures out
(44:32):
why do I always feel like I have to be
this way? And do I have to And there's like
a really emotional journey that she goes on. She has
like a hard relationship with her dad, and Finn kind
of helps her as she tries to like work through
that and heal And that is that was important for
(44:55):
me for there to be some emotional death in there,
and that emotional death have to come from somewhere and me,
even though we have totally different stories.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
Right, it has to stem from the idea, has to
come from a personal experience.
Speaker 4 (45:08):
I can't write about like a feeling that I don't
really know about.
Speaker 3 (45:12):
It's very swift. Nobody else give us your top five
in order.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
It's been a few weeks since The Tortured Poet's Department
has been out.
Speaker 3 (45:27):
You've had some time to listen. Give us your what
do you ask for? Top three? Top five to five?
Speaker 4 (45:33):
That's hard because I haven't fully gotten to like three. Okay,
so I my favorite is I can do it with
a broken heart because it just it resonates so deeply.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Oh wow, I love dark.
Speaker 4 (45:49):
Yeah, I mean this is it's twenty nineteen, Hannah. That
is like you're putting on a show, like like you're
so sad, so messed up. Yeah, but every year still
hitting your marks.
Speaker 3 (46:00):
Yeah one Dancing with.
Speaker 4 (46:00):
The Star is like, actually, like I have a human being.
So yeah, I was like I feel this. I would say,
I really like I like all the more like poppy ones.
I love Down bat Down Bad. I love so high
school because it sounds like it should be in a
nineties movie, and I love it. But then it's like
(46:22):
kind of silly, but I love it.
Speaker 3 (46:23):
I don't care. That's three.
Speaker 4 (46:26):
I thought I was soon five.
Speaker 3 (46:27):
Oh, Okay, I keep going.
Speaker 4 (46:31):
I feel like I'm forgetting. I really like the freaking
Witchy one. Why can I not think of what it is?
Clara bo That one's so good? Yeah, but it's not
that one.
Speaker 3 (46:46):
Is it guilty of sin?
Speaker 4 (46:48):
No? Who's afraid of little old Meat?
Speaker 3 (46:50):
It gives me every time.
Speaker 4 (46:52):
When I listened to that the first time, I cackled
like an actual witch. I was like, this lady is
deranged and I love it.
Speaker 3 (46:59):
Yeah, And then I feel like I'm like the Alchemy.
I say, the Alchemy.
Speaker 4 (47:07):
That's the one that I was like, the other one
about Travis.
Speaker 3 (47:09):
I like that one.
Speaker 4 (47:10):
And then I also like so Long London because it
makes me sad. I'm having Okay, I love this. I
love this album. But I looked at No. I just
looked at Adam the other day and I was like,
I feel like Taylor Swift sometimes just regulates my emotions
because I'm like in a good place. But then I
listen to it and I go dark with her, I'm
(47:32):
really feeling it.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
It's a collective emotional but she's so good about because
it makes you feel that way.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
So yeah, but I have I.
Speaker 4 (47:41):
Will say, I having not to listen to it as
much as I normally have had to like to. So
those are just like initial like the ones that like
I listen to. I like that, Yeah, I want to
know yours. I feel like you've really been able to
do a deep dive. Yeah, So I'm gonna go ahead
and say that. I think my favorite is the Black Dog.
That one was I see because I can't remember because
(48:02):
I've only got to listen to him like one time.
Speaker 3 (48:04):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
I can't tell you how much I relate to that
following their location after you break up every little movie.
Speaker 3 (48:10):
I would never do that. Yeah, yeah, me and Taylor Swift,
you know.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Yeah, I wouldn't say you that, but I love that song.
I also love the Tortured Poet's Apartment.
Speaker 4 (48:21):
Haven't even got to listen to that one yet.
Speaker 1 (48:22):
Like that one, my Charlie Poots Sweater still to this
day because he finally is getting the recognition that he
deserves in that song.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
So like that one, I love.
Speaker 4 (48:31):
Than I have listened to it's just been book.
Speaker 3 (48:37):
I make my author era yeah, yes and gets.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
It before we go, you said you were half a
human when you want Dancing the stars.
Speaker 3 (49:03):
What happened during that time?
Speaker 4 (49:05):
I was just like really heartbreak broken, Like it was
a really hard time for me, and like I really
felt like I had to win to make anything worth it,
if that makes sense. Like I was such a little
pure soul going on to that show, like I genuinely was.
(49:25):
I didn't watch the show before. I didn't like go
on it for like I remember being like I don't
care that I have like millions of followers, like I
genuinely don't. Like I really thought that like all these
doors were opening, like I didn't even pursue this, and
then this happened, and so now it has to be
(49:49):
worth it. This it didn't work out the way I
wanted it to, and now it's got to be worth something.
So I just like, yeah, I wasn't I didn't like
talk to anybody. I was pretty not in a good place.
You know, I text you nothing, nothing good, but that
was like everything I ghosted.
Speaker 3 (50:04):
I was ghosted as well.
Speaker 2 (50:05):
Yeah, I get you, because when I'm in a person,
when I'm down.
Speaker 3 (50:12):
I I can't even say hi. No, I don't even
want to say like I need space.
Speaker 4 (50:18):
I can't say I can't say anything because I think
it was like also vulnerable. I didn't want people to
even though it was pretty I mean to me, No,
it wasn't obviously I wasn't talking to anybody.
Speaker 3 (50:27):
But yeah, like I really isolate.
Speaker 4 (50:30):
Pretty bad, and in that time I really did, Like
my best friends at home would be like there's something wrong,
like they really knew there was stuff there's it was.
Speaker 3 (50:40):
It was bad.
Speaker 4 (50:41):
Yeah, it was really hard time and then it got
worse before it got better.
Speaker 3 (50:45):
But like.
Speaker 4 (50:47):
It, I think that's for anybody that's like having a
hard time. Sometimes it's like not on your The healing
process has been a lot longer than I would have
liked it to be, but it's been so worth it.
But yeah, what goes for ghosting? I guess must come
up bigger like actually not kidding because I well.
Speaker 2 (51:05):
Know it really happened, but I get it. I was like,
she goes to me, but I feel that because I
do that.
Speaker 3 (51:11):
Yeah, because a ghost or too as.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
A ghost myself. Yes, what's next? You have a podcast?
Better tomorrow?
Speaker 3 (51:20):
Yes, you have a two books. Yes, mistakes. We never
made a novel.
Speaker 4 (51:28):
Out now.
Speaker 3 (51:29):
Yes, do you have things on the horizon?
Speaker 4 (51:33):
Yeah, I'm actually working on book two. Oh so this
is gonna be like a is it? It's well, the
story continues, it's in the same world. So some of
the characters that you reading another book.
Speaker 3 (51:47):
Yeah, I'm in my author era and I love it.
Do you want a series so much?
Speaker 4 (51:52):
I would like both a series and a movie. Oh oh,
I mean like a book series. Like I'm like, yeah,
I hope this continues, but yeah, I would love I
can see it being both, honestly, So it just depends
on who picks it up. Who picks it up and
you're scross. I mean everybody wants that. That's the dream.
I'm gonna like put it out there. Yeah, so we're
here own book two right now.
Speaker 3 (52:13):
I respect it so much. Let me tell you.
Speaker 1 (52:15):
When I did my book, I wrote it with one
of my best friends, so it was like fifty percent
of the work, and I still came out of that
being like who it's I'm good for a minute.
Speaker 3 (52:24):
And it's a long.
Speaker 4 (52:25):
It's such a long process and people be like, what
are you doing and You're like, I'm doing the same
thing I was doing.
Speaker 3 (52:31):
A few months. Yeah, though, I'm literally, yeah, I know.
And it's very funny because I do.
Speaker 4 (52:35):
I do the podcast and then I do the morning
show with Ryan, and that's you put it out, and
you put it up the same day, and like every day,
it's like it's in and out. And the book was
like so much in in in and in and in,
and then it was finally out and I was like, wow, yeah,
it's great. Yeah yeah, so I'm I'm really excited. I
think they'll be people when they read the book. They'll
be a character they really want to know more about.
(52:57):
And that that.
Speaker 3 (53:00):
Too, Yes, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
I just had this realization that Okay, you go on
the Bachelor. I know it's not winning the Bachelor, but
you become the Bachelor, and so you kind of won
the Bachelor.
Speaker 3 (53:11):
You go on Dance with the Stars.
Speaker 2 (53:12):
You went Dance with the Stars, You go on Special Forces,
you win Special Forces.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
I gosh, you're a winner. Are you gonna go on
Traders next? Cause, like, I haven't really.
Speaker 4 (53:21):
Watched it, so people keep saying that they're like, you
gotta go on Traders.
Speaker 3 (53:24):
You haven't watched it.
Speaker 4 (53:26):
I've watched like one episode.
Speaker 3 (53:28):
TV an option in your future.
Speaker 4 (53:31):
Yeah, I think if it like was in alignment with
where I'm at now, you know, we're we're also in
our deep, deep healing era, So like it would have
to be something that was more like an experience, like
a what experience or something that like can better me
in some way, can prove me wrong about something about myself.
Like I feel like Special Forces really did that.
Speaker 3 (53:52):
It is probably not gonna do that. It's gonna make
you like lion sheet and steel.
Speaker 4 (53:57):
That's what Like, I feel like if I and I'm
not a good liar, So if I had to be
a trade is the trader, people like you'd be so good.
I'm like, no, Like I won't win that show like
that would That's just not in the cards for me.
Speaker 3 (54:10):
Like yeah, I don't think.
Speaker 4 (54:12):
But I feel like people would vote me off because
they think of me as a winner. So I'm like,
why you why do you go?
Speaker 3 (54:18):
Why you like she wins too much? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (54:22):
So but like I always feel like when I win,
I'm like it was just like lucky, you know. But yeah,
people will say that like, oh my gosh, they're such
a winner. But like I guess I did pageants for
a long time, and I did not win a lot
like I did not win a lot like not even
(54:43):
like get placed. And then I ended up winning and
it was like a shock, like my mom going into
there called me a first place loser, being in a
very sweet way like being like because I'd be like,
why am I still doing this? Like it is like
hits hers my ego every single time. It's it's a
hard life to live in this that pageant world, Like
why am I doing this? And she was like, and
(55:05):
I this was the one time I didn't like prep
for it at all. I just went in and I
was like, I'm just gonna be myself, like I'm pretty
sure I read a sermon the day before to try
to get me in a good like headspace before I
walked into my interview, not like usually like girls will
like have like logs of like questions that might be asked,
Like no, I just like reade a sermon and a
devotional out in my Bible and was like, all right,
let's try this out. And I won, but like and
(55:30):
then and then mister say, it didn't like win anything.
It don't like it didn't even like.
Speaker 3 (55:34):
Place it in.
Speaker 4 (55:34):
It's like my whole life, I've kind of felt like yah,
and so it's weird now people like think of me
as like a winner.
Speaker 3 (55:43):
And I'm like, yeah, I am. You're a winner for us.
Speaker 4 (55:46):
Thank you, thank you. I'm like, what is is?
Speaker 3 (55:48):
It? Is it up? I don't know.
Speaker 4 (55:50):
It was a great run.
Speaker 3 (55:51):
You're just starting your own book number two? What the
book number two? Yeah? And then wedding in twenty twenty five,
twenty twenty six.
Speaker 4 (55:59):
I think we're we're we're hoping for twenty twenty five.
Speaker 3 (56:01):
We'll see. Do you have ideas, any ideas or have
you even gone.
Speaker 4 (56:05):
That I haven't done any of it, but yeah, I
have like a full board, not a pincher sport, like
I just save dresses and they all like I just
save any dress that I like, And there's like a
obvious style that I like. Okay, but I would when
I go. I'm gonna still try on everything. It's so fun.
Do you have your wedding dress?
Speaker 2 (56:23):
No?
Speaker 3 (56:24):
I don't. I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (56:24):
I think I'm gonna start trying on very soon. Do
you have like a design like a do you have
like a mermaid? I think is what I'm a mermaid.
I think that's what I'm gonna like I can see
in that.
Speaker 4 (56:32):
Yeah, I really want I don't like a poofy gown
like not, but like I like a more like ball gown,
cupcakey kind of like a Monique Lulie Oscar de la Renta. Yeah, yeah, moment, yeah,
but like this being like really like tight tight yeah
and yes, yeah.
Speaker 3 (56:51):
But not too big.
Speaker 4 (56:53):
Don't don't me think, you know, not with like a
one of those hoop skirts under it, which is like
I do want more of a full skirt. I think
you watch me being like something like skin tight.
Speaker 3 (57:02):
I think it changes. That's what I've heard from.
Speaker 4 (57:05):
Everyone, but I'm thinking I want something like I want.
Speaker 3 (57:09):
To feel like a bride.
Speaker 4 (57:10):
A bride and I've wore like all the tight, sexy
dresses and like I've just done that. I want to
do that. I don't think I want to feel like
a princess.
Speaker 3 (57:22):
Yeah, yeah, I really do.
Speaker 4 (57:25):
Like the longest bill ever, it's like, oh my gosh,
we get it. You're not King Middleton, but I want
to feel.
Speaker 3 (57:30):
Like it that day, Yeah, as you should. Yeah. Yeah, well,
we are so happy for you.
Speaker 2 (57:34):
I'm so I'm genuinely like so proud of the work
because I know I know, just going through therapy, the
work that it takes to get down to the to
the bottom to get to the top. Yes, you're doing it,
and I love that you're talking about it publicly. And
thank you for coming on.
Speaker 3 (57:50):
And yeah, thank you coming back on. I love to
be here. We love you so much.
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