#27 Group Therapy

Dean and Jared are joined by Amanda Stanton, who gives her honest feelings about what’s going on between her and Robby Hayes. Life Coach Cherie Healey calls in, to help Dean navigate the world of the recently single, and to see how his venture into therapy is going. And then Dean, Jared and Amanda reveal their biggest dating “dealbreakers”.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Help I Suck At Dating and I Heart Radio Podcast.
Hello everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to
this episode of Help I Suck At Dating. This is
Dean Ungler. It's got a very special episode for you today.
As the usual suspect, we see Jared Higbond in studio. Hello,
I'm here, Hello everyone, and a very very special guest

(00:20):
in Amanda Stanton and joining us. And on top of that,
I'm just gonna come right out and say, it's my
birthday to day today. It's a big one. Today is
my birthday. But on top of that, this is also
the seven episode of this podcast, like Golden Birthday? Can
you believe that it's meant to beating? What are the
odds we created this podcast back in September? Did you

(00:42):
guys plan to purposefully land this episode on? Everybody was
thinking that far ahead. There were some suspect weeks off
where I'm like, are they trying to do this? But anyways,
here we are. I've always had this weird affinity for
the number twenty seven. Weirdly, I don't know why it's
never been my lucky number anything like that. I think
I really like that that that nine times three equals
twenty seven. I used to be like a big math nerd,

(01:04):
And why nine times three? Why not like three times three?
Why nine times three times three is nine? But I'm
just saying I've had this weird pull to the numbers
nine and three multiplying to equal twenty seven. So when
I was little, I used to be a big, big
math nerd. I'd always go to school and then whenever
I got home, my mom would always tutor me in
one subject, which was always math. And so I was like,
really really good at math for like the large part
of my life, and I wouln't know I was had

(01:24):
a weird thing for the numbers nine and three equal seven.
So you pretty much saying that twenty seven is gonna
be the best year of your life. I'm very hopeful
that it will be. I think it's gonna be the
best year of your life. Teen. Thanks Jared. We'll let
into existence anyways. We're gonna start off today, um by
answering some listener emails. We're going to uh if you
don't mind. By the way, I was like, the seventeen
times three, that's a good one. Have you before have

(01:48):
you heard the multiplication song eight times or the hardest
multiplication problem of them all. Eight times seven is or
something that was like a third Greade song that we
used to sing off because it's a hard multiplication problem.
People don't anyways. Um but yeah, anyways, we're joining the
studio by Amanda um and as always Jared. So we're
gonna get to some listenering emails. We're gonna talk a
little bit with Sharie a little bit later on who've

(02:09):
had on before life coach Life coach Therapist. So good
episode in store for us. Well, this is for since
Amanda's here and we do have an email about a
situation a man has been dealing with lately, so it's
good to get some outside perspective. Yeah, okay, Peyton says,
I just wanted to write in and weigh in on
the Robbie and Amanda feud. She calls it a feud.

(02:29):
She says, I feel like any self respectable adult male
would have forwarded the email along with a message we
should probably give the backstory on this before I get
much further on. So so well, I mean, I'm Amanda.
I feel like, do you want to give it? Do
you want an outside perspective to give it? I want
to hear an outside perspective. Last week, I went on
Twitter and I saw that there was an article written
about the feud between Amanda and Robbing. Apparently Amanda. Last

(02:52):
week he posted something on Twitter saying, and ex boyfriend
had reached out to you about these passes for Disneyland
that he wanted you to renew, and you said that,
like I know how to pick them. And then Robbie
screenshot of the emails, outed himself as the ex boyfriend
and said I was just trying to help you, you
poor thing. And then he said, let the people decide

(03:12):
for themselves. Screenshot of the emails released him on Twitter,
and they showed the emails that he forwarded. Apparently Disneyland
and Land reached out to him saying that these are
gonna u these passes are gonna expire because the credit
card has been denied for the past couple of months,
and so he forwarded it to you. Um, but and
then it like got and and then it got like
a little blurry for me, where like there was maybe

(03:32):
a little bit of a back and forth and then no,
he just and then he decided to post some text
messages from like eight months ago, which I thought was
the most. Yeah, well we don't have to talk. We
can say our opinion afterwards. But from me, I saw
the video. All of a sudden, Robbie posted this montage
which he edited together with like this Kevin Hart skid
I didn't even want. So it was like a thirty

(03:55):
second video of him scroll like fast scrolling, so you
couldn't read any text messages. But you conclude see that
your picture was at the top saying Amanda and him
just like scrolling through and it was like paragraph on
paragraph on paragraph that you apparently sent to him, and
he edited it with like this Kevin Hart bit of
like are you done? Are we done? Here? Are we done?
And him just like scrolling through, And it was like
twenty seconds long, and it was the most and he's

(04:16):
deleted it since, but it was the most absurd thing
I think I might have ever seen on Twitter. Um,
but I will give my opinions later if you want
to continue this email. But that was pretty much the
gist of it that I saw that Amanda posted that
didn't say who it was was the next boyfriend, And
then Robbie decided to out himself with screenshot in the
emails and then on top of that, he posted the

(04:36):
video of the text message, to which he had deleted since.
And then on top of that, I think the PostScript
is really what kind of irked me a little bit,
which I don't even know if I want to say,
he says whatever he says, and he goes, ps nice news.
Oh yes. In the emails he says, which is just
so okay. I wasn't why would he say that, like

(05:00):
I don't even know, I'm sorry to put you on
the stop. We don't have to talk about it. But
I thought, yeah, that was the most um ignorant thing
he could have possibly said an email, especially forwarding you
an email that he said he was so concerned about
this going to collections. So if he was that concerned,
why would he put a smug remark like that in
the email. Was it just to like fuel fire under
you you think, or was it just like I mean,

(05:20):
that's what I I guess. That's what I was so
confused about, was that, like it's been eight months and
like I I've obviously moved on with my life and
like I've even said, like I don't didn't even really
consider Robbie an X. That's why it's funny when I
said that in my tweet, because I actually don't consider
him an X, but I still I thought it was
kind of funny, you know, and when you when I
first saw your tweet, Robbie was the furthest thing from

(05:44):
my mind, which is so interesting that he decided out himself,
because when you said an X, I immediately went to
an X not involved in the show, because obviously you are.
You know, you're not gonna say Ben's an X, Josh,
I feel like you wouldn't consider an X, would be
more of like, I think that's a different situation. And
then Robbie, I didn't even I wouldn't even assume you
would call him an next so like and I don't.

(06:04):
That's why I mean, I put it just because I
did think the situation was funny. Help tell a story
a little bit better that way. Okay, So I haven't
talked to Robbie in forever, um, but that's the first
time I heard from I've checked my email and I
saw that he forwarded me his Disneyland membership because it
was on your credit card or something and your credit
card expired or whatever. Yeah, like I got a new one,

(06:25):
and so his payment was being declined. And the funny
thing is, you know, he can say he thought it
was going to go to collections, but there was like
an option there for you to like update your card information.
So I just thought it was kind of funny that
he was forwarding it to me other than like just
going and putting his own card information on there and
just like kind of petty. And here's my question with
that though, is if if he were to just pay

(06:46):
for it himself, do you think that he should alert
you that he paid for it himself or he just
paid for it himself and then completely not say anything
about it, every kind of thing. Yeah, just don't say anything.
You just put your card information. Was it a lot
of money? But it was literally like twenty Yeah. Well,
I think in Robbie's mind, he was forwarding you the
message because he didn't want to renew it and he

(07:08):
wanted to make sure that you knew that you knew
that like this situation is going on. Having said that,
I think the emailer touches on how he maybe should
have approached it. Was a very high level of petty
to that. It was pretty Yeah, the emailist has I
feel like any self respectable adult man would afford the
email along with the message like, hey, let me know
what the remaining balance is so I can pay you
the difference. It seems like a man who didn't even

(07:30):
realize the charge was coming out of her account every month,
which would make sense that you didn't think about switching
the card over when she got a new one. So
when Robbie realized she was still paying it even though,
like you guys mentioned, they haven't been together for seven months,
don't you think he should have just shut it down
right then and there. It's not like he can't afford
it himself. And then of course he dig himself in
the deepest hole with all the insults. But I don't

(07:50):
think he was ever being the nice guy in the
situation from the start. Just to get that off my
chest and offer a different perspective, keep doing what you
guys are doing. That is Peyton's thoughts on the map. Yeah,
I agree. I mean I think my mistake is, you know,
saying anything on Twitter. I did think it was funny,
and that's why I said something. I had no idea
and I was completely shocked that he enacted the way

(08:11):
that he did. That was a mistake to be perfectly honest.
It was. It was just a funny tweet. It wasn't
even like throwing shade at him, because it's like, nowhere
did I hint that it was about him? Was I
gonna ever tell anyone that it was about him? Um? Yeah,
I think if Robbie was so offended by if, I
think the appropriate thing would have they texted you exactly
then like listen, why would you put that on Twitter?
And then you probably would have deleted. I mean I

(08:31):
don't know that in the workings of what happened, but yeah,
I agree. I never maybe paid for it and then
like asked you a far venmo or something like that.
I don't know, Yeah, but I will say that I
didn't hear about it until we were I'm in like
a group chat with the guys from my season and
they like sent the screenshot. I deleted my Twitter, so
I've never on Twitter anymore. Um, you deleted your Twitter,

(08:51):
just like the app. Like I still have my account,
but I just don't use it ever. You just post
like a few days ago, no Twitter, like a week
and a half, maybe was a week and a half,
but then like he knew read an article about it
and it's just like became this thing. But anyways, it's
I think it's pretty clear to see who's at fault
and who's like the one that's I agree. I was
kind of like living through it for so I was
I wasn't doing anything that day, and I was on Twitter,

(09:11):
and then I saw I didn't even see your tweet
at first, because I must have just like scrolled right
through it. And then I saw Robbie post something because
I still fall him on Twitter, and then I was like,
what the hell is going on? And then of course
it just like became the saga for like a minus
Scoole Minis School, Soaca, but you tweeted on from Coachella
on Friday night? What did I tweet? I could have
scored sitting positions Instagram, but which I normally don't do.

(09:38):
I was like, I could have swore I just saw
a tweet shop alcohol might have been involved that post. Anyway, Um,
is there anything else that we want to cover about that? Again?
I think that it's all pretty clear who was in
the right and who's in the wrong. There. Um, it
just sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama that no
one really brought upon himself. He brought up on himsel

(10:00):
I guess what exactly. I think Robbie brought it upon himself.
And I think furthermore, we're becoming to maybe a little
bit too transparent in this culture that like we feel
the need to screenshot and post everything on social media
for people to make up their own minds. Like I
feel like some matters are meant to be handled privately,
and I think this is definitely one of those. And sure,
should you have tweeted something, I don't know, but the
fact is you didn't really out anybody, and so I

(10:20):
think that the way to handle it might have been
more private rather than screenshotting emails. And then furthermore, the
insults with like to say, you know what he said
about you like nice new um is absolutely absurd and
ridiculous to even mentioned that. And then furthermore, I thought
the the text messages the video was JUSTEO, you gotta

(10:41):
be you gotta be kidding me, Like the idea that
he edited it and some time, spent some time on
it and then releasing it onto whatever what I thought
was just in really poor taste, and he has since
deleted it. You know, we should throw that in there,
having said that he still posted it, so, um, you know,
I think it was just it could have been really
avoided and then it ended up turning into this thing.
And No, I was actually pretty embarrassed by it, because

(11:02):
I mean when I tweeted that, I never obviously expected
all that to happen, or did I want attention from it.
So I guess I was confused why he reacted that
way because no one would have ever known knows about
him like we said, so I don't know if he
just wants attention. And that's why part of me doesn't
even really want to talk about it, because I feel
like I'm giving him what he wants. I feel like
he doesn't even care that it made him look bad.
I feel like he just wants attention, whether it's good

(11:23):
or bad. So were you surprised by how much the
media latched onto this, Yeah, I was kind of bummed
about it because I'm like, this is what he wants.
I feel like he just wants his name in the media,
So I don't think he really cares. Agree, I will
say as someone that's I guess I've known you for
what probably ten months now. We met in Paradise, and
obviously we don't hang out a whole bunch. But um,

(11:44):
I think that anyone that's ever really met you would
have nothing but the most positive things to say, and
you're not going to be seeking the drama and be
like that kind of person. So, um, the big question,
will you get a new annual path for Disneyland? Will
you go without paid? I updated that card in Switching Gears.
We've got some great, really sweet emails for Dean after

(12:07):
last week. He opened up about a lot of stuff, um,
one of which was going in therapy. Um. But Sarah wrote,
and she said, my name is Sarah. I'm twenty three.
My mom died when I was twenty. My family all
watched with the Bachelord together, and watching Dean's journey on
Rachel's season really opened up conversation within my family and
helped us on the road to healing. And I cannot
thank him enough for that. Isn't that sweet? Dean? Yeah,
that's really sweet. I've been listening to the podcast since

(12:29):
the beginning and something Dean said this week got me curious. Dean,
you said that when you're you're looking for a relationship
where someone's strengths are your weaknesses and vice versa. Could
you expand on that a little more? I haven't really
dated anyone since my mom died, but I often think
there's no way that people can understand me or fully
know me if they haven't lost a parent. Even listening
to your podcast, whenever someone tells you Odean, you need

(12:49):
to communicate more, or whatever else you have to be
a better data, I yell back at them. You don't
have a dead mom. You don't get to tell him anything.
All those simple things are more difficult than they know.
So what your thoughts on this? Seeing as how you've
dated since your mom died, would you mind talking about
how that has affected your relationships, how you've tried to
talk to them about your mom. I understand this is
too personal to address, but any kind of reply would

(13:10):
be a lot to me. That's Sarah, I think that's
I love that your journey has helped her and her
family communicate on this thing. It's probably not something you
thought about when you went on these TV shows to
begin with. No, I didn't. I was pretty reluctant even
to share the story the first time around, because it's
just a lot. It's a lot to share a bunch
of personal information especially on TV. And I remember, actually too,
I think I've talked about this in the past. That
first day that I talked to uh Rachel about my

(13:31):
mother passing away on our one on one I was
like kind of remorseful after after kind of everything, because
I was like breaking down and crying and stuff, and
one of the producers leaned in and said something like,
as long as you affect one person person positively, you
should take this away as a good experience. And UM,
in hindsight, like it obviously had a little bit bigger
of a reach than that, which is great. UM. I
don't think that she said something along the lines of

(13:52):
you don't have a dead mom, so you don't understand
where I'm coming from saying people who give you advice
about dating, she's saying they don't understand what has been through,
what I've been through, Sarah, so they don't understand they
shouldn't give you advice I've I've been told, UM, when
I speak with, whether it's a therapist of psychologist, anyone
that's kind of like more in tune with those types

(14:12):
of things that when I talk about or even like
the show psychologist, because you go through psychology tests all
that kind of stuff. Um that when I talk about
like the passing my mother, like those those uh tragic
events in my life, that I kind of brush over them.
So maybe when I meet someone new, I kind of
talk about it more like I'm reciting like a monologue
of my life instead of actually being emotional and being
in touch with that. And then so when I meet

(14:33):
that special person, I'm able to maybe dive a little
bit deeper, which is a little bit more challenging sometimes. Um,
But I would never I would never discount a relationship
because that person has two parents in their lives that
have had successful success in their relationship. You know, that's
not really a fair thing. And I mean to the
point that I made last week. I think when I
said my my weaknesses should would be hopefully their strengths

(14:53):
and vice versa, Like it'd be great that you know,
my parents didn't have a great marriage my mom passed away,
But then if their parents had a great marriage and
are still together, then of and all that kind of stuff,
it almost kind of strengthens it because, um, it's kind
of like a like a yin and yang to the relationship.
I will say, I was having this conversation the other
day actually as well. Um, because as I'm like doing
this whole you know pours postmode and breakup thing, I'm
trying to get to the reasons as to, you know,

(15:13):
kind of what's kind of gone wrong with my life. Um,
And I was thinking about the we had karmelon once
maybe like episode two or three. Who was the girl
that I did in high school? Um, and back then,
so I was dating her probably when I was sixteen,
but we were like talking and like best friends when
I was you know, thirteen, fourteen fifteen when my mom
passed away, and I think that the fact that she
was able to help me through that time really strengthen
our relationship and that's kind of why it was as

(15:34):
strong as it was and the feelings were as strong
as they were. But then there were also some bad
parts of that relationship that I see kind of being
reflected in my you know, relationships that I have nowadays
as well. And um, that's something that I need to
really figure out and get to the bottom of. But uh,
it's I don't know, it's just a work in progress,
I guess every single time, and you can't really it's
hard to like plan as to what you're gonna do,
but trying to figure it out. Tina's like a relationship

(15:57):
like what I was talking about about her relationship with
her mom and losing her mom and that kind of
affecting her dating life. Have you ever felt that your
loss has ever affected your dating life? I don't think so.
I think there are a bunch of other things, maybe
that stemmed from that, that have affected my dating life,
but not necessarily that in particular, Like I would never
meet someone and be like, oh, my mom passed away

(16:18):
when I was fifteen, and then they'd be like, oh,
uh sorry, I gotta go now sort of thing, you know, Yeah,
of course, because I mean, but I think she touches
on another emailer also touches on a kind of a
fear of abandonment that could be kind of instilled in
you from a trauma drama like that. Right, there's a
bunch of like psychoanalysis that can be done on that,
And I know how much you loved doing that. Yeah,
I think that at the end of the day that

(16:38):
those are a lot of things that uh, I have
really yet to come to terms with or or confront
and approach and all that kind of stuff. And um,
A Man, I'd love to hear your perspective on this,
because you are a single mom, um and a wonderful
one at that, and your kids are adorable. Um, and
so i'd love to hear kind of your perspective on
the idea of, um, you know, raising your kids as

(16:59):
as a single mom. I'm relating to this email. Yeah,
I mean I think that it's obviously something I think
about too, Like, I mean, regardless of what the situation
is with your parents, if you've lost a parent, if
you're a single parent, I think it's something I think
about even with my kids, like how I'm raising them,
is it going to affect them when they get older? Um?

(17:20):
So yeah, I mean I don't know. It's a tough answer.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer from
an outside perspective, um, because I don't want to speak
as if like I have an answer within this situation
because I've never been through this situation. UM. But I
would say that it's I think there's a very there's
a lot of gray area, and I don't think there's
a right or wrong answer for you Sour, for you
Den or for you Amanda with raising your kids. Um,

(17:43):
I think it's kind of on an individual basis, and
all you can do is do the best you can do.
Um with coping, uh, with moving on to a certain sense,
with you know, taking the time that you need um
two for lack of a better term, put your walls
down in being willing to open yourself up to somebody
else again. And my thing is too, it's uh. I

(18:05):
think that one of the most important things is just
the amount of love. So like I mean, you look
at a Manda raiser children and she's obviously showers them
with love constantly, and I think that's one of the
most important things. Like I have friends who have parents
who were divorced when they were a little, um, divorce
when they were older, all that kind of stuff, that
are still having these successful relationships nowadays because you know,
they felt the love from one or both of their
parents when they were little. Um. That's that's my two

(18:25):
cents on it. And I mean from what we see
via whatever outlet it is, we see a Manda being
a great mother. So of course, and I was think
for Sarah too, like Dean, I think it's a really
inspirational email, uh, even just for me reading it, because
to think that Dean. Just by you going on this
show and kind of living your life and showcasing your
personality in the in the workings of your family, UM

(18:47):
has really helped Sarah. I think that's an incredible thing
that shouldn't be overlooked. And I think, you know, I
think there's probably a lot of stories out here like
this with you, amand I'm sure there's a lot of
single moms out there that I have watched you and
have related to you, and have you have helped them
in certain areas of their life. UM. And so I
think that's pretty incredible, Sarah. So I want to thank

(19:07):
you for writing an email, one more email before we
get to some other topics today. Tracy and I just
thought this was such a kind and sweet email. My
motherly instinct, she said, came out for Dean is I
listed the latest podcast and I wanted to offer some advice.
It's okay to break up with somebody, even if that
person is a wonderful person. That doesn't make you a
bad person. It's all about being right for each other.
This goes back to last week when we all thought

(19:28):
Dean was I thought this the Dean is a little
hard in themselves. Over the breakup he went on went
through recently. It's okay to expect the relationship doesn't have
to take a lot of work. I hear you struggling
with this by saying you need to accept that relationships
take more work than you thought. Don't settle on this one.
When you click with someone and there is laughter, chemistry
and you shared the same values in mindset, it shouldn't

(19:49):
be that hard. I agree with that as well. I've
been married for fifteen and sixteen years now. I don't
I don't find it to be that hard. I hear
a lot of people talk about marriages so difficult, and
I'm sure it is, and I'm sure it can be.
I do feel like it works for us. It just
kind of works. And maybe I'm you still have your
moments of difficulty, right of course, there's bickering and there's whatever,
and people are tired, and that happens. But I don't

(20:11):
feel like it's a great deal of work. And maybe
I'm just one of the lucky ones. Quite honestly, Tracy says,
my husband reminds me a lot of you. He didn't
know what he wanted. Dating was filled with a lot
of dead ends and breaking many hearts due to his
indecisiveness and fear of commitment. When we got together, he
saught therapy to work through his issues of abandonment. Therapy
was the turning point that made him and eventually our
relationship even stronger. We've been married now for twenty years.

(20:32):
Every couple's journey is unique and there isn't a one
size fits all. Just focus on finding someone you missed
the second thing go out the door, someone you have
to tell all the funny and stupid things that happened
to you that day, and above all, someone you truly respect,
because that drives how you treat and communicate with each other.
If you bring out the best in each other without
even trying, that's a really great start. Good luck in

(20:52):
your dating quest. It's okay to suck a dating everyone
does because dating sucks. Isn't that a great email? Email?
Trace Tracy killing it? I love the way she ends it.
See that's what I was talking about last week too, though,
kind of like that utopic idea of just two people
kind of coming together and fitting together like puzzle pieces
that can you know, Like when the person leaves the
room and you all you can do is think about
how much you miss them and how much wish they

(21:13):
were back in the room with you. That's what I
think all of us want and work for. And if
you don't, we all looking for you, looking for you,
and if you don't have that, then all you can
kind of do is hope for the best moving forward.
That's kind of like, I don't know it. No, I agree,
I don't know. Um. I also think, just to touch on,
I think, yes, Dean was being very hard on himself,
but just to reiterate, I think, um, we also just
wanted to respect the fact that the other person wasn't

(21:36):
here to defend herself. And that's why I think for
me personally, and I think Dean was shaking his head
as if he agrees, Um, no, no, no, he agrees
that like we you know, do you want to focus
on himself because it's hard to really focus on somebody
else when they're not here to be able to speak
their piece on it and give their opinion, because that's
almost unfair. Um. But yeah, of course, in reality, of course,
I think Dean's being too hard on himself. You know,

(21:56):
Dean's a wonderful guy, is a great catch. I don't
think I have to really say that. Um, and so, Dean,
you're gonna find the love of your life and you're
going to shower her with affection and she's going to
be the luckiest lady on this planet earth. Such a sweetheart.
Things dard it does funny. To Tracy's point, she said
something on the line along the lines of when she
met her husband of twenty years, he just started going
to therapy. And I know I mentioned last week how

(22:18):
it was something I was gonna start seeking out, and
I did start going. So I went yesterday for the
first time since I was fifteen, and I found this fascinating.
You found the therapist on yelled. You found him on
yellow Yep, you got some got some great reviews. It's
like a four point nine star rating. Seriously, it's like
an uber driver here, like four point nine. How could
I not go to this therapist? But actually, so it's
funny is I found the four point nine star therapist
and she was far far too expensive for me, like

(22:41):
like ridiculous, and so she was like, yeah, you can
take this person at this office instead. Um No, it
was great. It's it's obviously it's only been one session
so far, but I'm gonna do it weekly and you know,
hopefully it's it's it'll prove to be beneficial. So far,
you know, it's nice to be able to talk freely
and openly with someone that you know. Um, we'll keep
it all confident and in privacy and all that kind
of stuff. So um, it felt good, it felt normal

(23:04):
from so far. But again, it's all everything that I
told her in the first session is the things that
I've um either shared with you guys on the podcast
or shared with my friends and privacy as well. But
it's nice to have kind of like an unbiased opinion, uh,
in order to kind of help you work things. And um,
she's she's kind of along the same lines too, Like
she's talking about like how dreams influence the things that
are going on in your life and all that kind
of stuff as well. And I've always been kind of

(23:25):
a person that has really weird dreams and like vivid
dreams and just kind of a lot going in my head,
especially when I'm sleeping. So it's I think it'll be
very beneficially. I'm excited to see how it helps and
if it helps and all that kind of stuff. And um,
obviously I'll share with you guys a lot of kind
of what's going on, and I'll keep some of it
a little bit more private. But um, I think it's
really nice too, because I think sometimes when you talk
amongst your friends as a guy, like I like, sometimes

(23:48):
I don't really open up as much as I should
for the simple fact that I don't want to be
judged by my by my bros. And so I'm like, yeah,
you know, and I kind of keep things at a
surface level. But I remember, yeah, for someone with therapy,
it was just like really nice just to be like,
you know, not feel guilty to cry, you know, just
to like let it all out. Almost almost cried yesterday

(24:08):
and I was like, stop yourself from crying, Just like
I need to get comfortable enough with her first before
I can. Like, I opened up about a lot of things,
and there were moments where I was like talking about something,
I was like, I'm really about to cry right now,
so like town it back. But it's just like I
feel I need to build the level of comfortability up
a little bit at least, you mean, like at least
until session three for that one um session too. I
have you ever done therapy, Amanda, I have actually Um,

(24:32):
I've done therapy when I was going through my divorce,
But I mean, I think it's good for anyone to go,
you know, talk to somebody. Um. Obviously, you know we've
all been through a lot of relationships, different kinds of relationships.
But yeah, I mean, I think it's good just to
have someone to talk to, someone that's unbiased. So I'm
all for it. The unbiased is big for me too, because, um,

(24:52):
as much as I love all my friends and all
you guys and all the support that they give, sometimes
I think it's important to have someone that is going
to call you out for a kind of the crap
that you're doing wrong exactly, because sometimes your friends can
just take your side too much and they're like, no,
you're great, They're awful, and it makes you feel good.
But having your right, that unbiased opinion to say, well,
maybe you could have done this better is really pivotal
to improving yourself. Yeah. Um, but one way to deal

(25:16):
with all that stuff is to go and find a
significantly that you can share this intimate and personal and
private things with the things we're looking for. You were
just talking about, you want that person you miss when
they leave the room and for a lot of people,
the Harmony is the way to go. And I think
to the point that that you guys made earlier, it's
it's someone that you want to spend all your time
with and do everything you want to do with them.
And so what I think that Harmony does a great
job of is kind of curating the things that you

(25:37):
find important in your life and then kind of matching
you with someone that feels the same way about those things,
and they're that are willing to do those things with you.
So um Like, everyone's tired of hook up sites, right,
Everyone's tired of hook up dating apps and all this stuff.
The Harmony is so much more than that. They're not
a hook up stide, and they take great pride in
that they are the one you go to when you're
ready for a relationship exactly. I think people that are
actually trying to find a relationship, e Harmony is the

(25:59):
place to go because I think a lot of people
that are on there are actually looking to go on
dates rather than just hook up. For sure, they survey
it's six singles and they need to be a Harmony.
The number one most trusted dating site or app there is.
They've helped over a million people find their perfect match. Yeah,
and on top of all of that, it's affordable to
and right now, our listeners can get a free month
with the Harmony when they sign up for a three
month subscription. So if you are serious about dating and

(26:22):
you want to take it seriously, and you want to
find that person that you can spend the rest of
your life with, and so be sure to go to
e harmony dot com and if you use our code
help at check out, you'll get a free month with
your three month subscription. So stop waiting for your journey
to to a satisfying, meaningful relationship. It can start right
now on e harmony. If you go online, UM, fill
out your profile. I promise you it doesn't take too long,
and I promise it's actually probably gonna be pretty fun.

(26:42):
You might even learn a little bit more about yourself
and kind of what you value and are looking for.
So um check it out harmony dot com. All right,
so let's talk about a little bit. Uh, I guess
current events in the dating world right now. I'm sure
most of you listeners have heard isn't in us all?
In studio? I've heard, of course, of John Cena and
Nicki Bella's situation going on John's I just wanted to
it out. I'm sorry, we can we can squeeze a

(27:03):
couple more of those in before the end of the segment. Um.
It's one of those situations where they were dating for
a long time, about five or six years, and John
Cena and Nikki decided to get married, but a month
before their actual wedding ceremony. Uh, John called it off
because he didn't want children and Nikki did. No, we
don't really know who called it off. It's more of
a they came out with like some sort of statement

(27:23):
saying that we just decided to go our separate ways.
And it's been then further, like there's been rumors coming
out that the reason they broke up was because John
didn't want kids and Nikki did. Right thanks to embarrassing
because I had the big public proposal in the middle
of the wrestling ring with all these people watching, and
it was a big deal and it was beautiful as that.
I think it was about a year ago when when
they got and they proposed, it was like, yeah, it

(27:44):
was in the it was in the ring. It was
obviously John Cena is a wrestler, for any but that
doesn't know. And so he did it at the w
W e insaide the ring, and like there's this big production.
It was a year ago. Was last April during WrestleMania
thirty three, Yes, WrestleMania thirty three, which obviously all our
listeners watched one of the Strestlemania as in my opinion,
get duh. And so I think it's just very interesting

(28:04):
that it happened a month before the wedding and why
this may be? Why? Like why now, that's my curious question.
That's why not earlier. It definitely beckons a question of
if one person in a relationship wants children the other
doesn't want children, is it worth saying in that relationship
because you know it will be a point of contention
later on. I think for me, sometimes I think about
I kind of go back and forth whether I want

(28:25):
kids or not. There's moments where I can't imagine my
life without being a father at some point, or there
are times where I question whether I want to have kids,
and I think I always go back. I want kids,
but more than anything, I want kids with the right person.
Because I mean, obviously many you can speak upon this
like the as wonderful and as it's probably one of
the best things that You've ever done with your life,

(28:46):
but it's probably also one of the most stressful things
that I've ever done with your life. And so for me,
i'd i'd want to go through that process with somebody
that I love and really can can depend on um.
And so I think that's a that's a big contention
for me, or at least something I'm going to atten
to work towards is not just having kids, but having
kids with the right person UM, because you know, I mean,
we've talked about relationships ending and marriages ending and how

(29:09):
difficult that could be, and of course that's just life
and that's the way things happen. Sometimes you can't really
prevent it. But I'm going to do everything in my
power to try to prevent that. And the first and
foremost thing is finding that right person before I end
up having kids, or at least try to. I don't know,
so obviously, Amanda dealbreaker. Few meetings like kids. Actually, can
I ask you does that happen often? Because as like

(29:30):
a single date, as a single mother dating, do you
make it known well in advance that you have to daughters? Yeah?
I mean, it's something that I mean, I would never hide.
It's like the most important thing to me. So I
wouldn't even really waste my time dating somebody who didn't
want kids or who didn't like kids. Um. But I
think that's something that like dating in the past was
a lot different, Like you used to just like meet

(29:51):
someone and if you liked each other, then like later
down the road you would start talking about what you
want in the future. Or I think that now that
I have kids is something that I talk about sooner.
So that's probably I mean, I don't know if that's
what happened with them, but I'm sure they're like in love.
They just probably want different things in life, which is
a deal breaker, you know. Yeah, I think it's something
in a relationship that would be very difficult to work past.

(30:12):
If one person was so adamant to having kids and
the other person was saying I would never having kids,
I don't really see how a relationship could work, um
if that was the case, because that's you know, that's
your family, that's your legacy, that's your life. And I
think we've talked in the past about like political differences,
religious differences. That type of stuff is a work through,

(30:32):
like you can get through those types of things for
for some. For some it's a deal breakers stright up.
And I think I feel like the older you get,
the more strict you get with your deal breakers. Of course, yeah,
because you just are so much more comfortably with yourself
and you're like, no, I'm not settling, Like I'm at
this age, I've gone this long. I'm okay with being single. Um, Like,
I am going to either wait for the right person

(30:53):
or just never find them. And I think in Amanda's case,
like you definitely have to be a lot more selected
with who you date now. Yeah, I mean my deal breakers,
this is like a mile long dean. You want kids?
I would love kids, Yes, And if you were in
a relationship early on and realized the other person is
not interested in that, would that be the end of
it or would you just kind of see where it goes?

(31:14):
That's what I was I was actually like while Jared
was talking, I was like staring off into space, trying
to think about that situation. Well, I'm really glad you
listen to me. I'm just trying to wrap my head
around it because I've never really experienced that, and I
do want kids. I think that I need to get
to a place where I'm comfortable with myself enough obviously
before I'm ready to have kids. Like I'm excited to
have kids. I can't wait to have kids, but I
know that I need to take a lot of time
before I'm ready for something like that. Um, if I

(31:35):
was dating someone that was vehemently against having children, I
don't think that I would really look at it as
a long term thing. But again, I I don't I
agree with Dean. For me too, if I was on
a day with somebody who said I would never have kids,
I think it would be tough thing for me because
even though I'm not completely sure if I want kids,
I'm also very sure that I'm not positive that I

(31:57):
never want kids, if that makes any sense. I want
to specific like family too, Like I want to have
two children on my own. I want to adopt two children. UM.
And I've whenever I share that with people in like
the dating world before, UM, all of this, like it's
always been received pretty well. Like I've never met a
girl and gone on dates with them, and like you know,
eventually obviously you get on that topic of things. And
I've never had a girl be like, oh, like I
don't want kids. So it's just something that I'm not

(32:18):
familiar with, so it's hard for me to kind of
wrap my head around that situation. Well, this guy, hopefully
that we can be common ground with you and that
future wife of yours. Maybe she won't of course quite
exactly the same thing. Yeah, you can come together. Of course,
there's some flexibility there. It's just like an idea that
I've had for a long time. I'm don't not like
steadfast and thinking that, but um, yeah, to bounce off
your point, I completely agree with you. I think sometimes

(32:38):
I think about myself and whether I want kids or not,
and I think sometimes I think I don't because I'm
just not in the place right now that I feel
comfortable having kids. But in two to three years, hopefully
I'm more comfortable and uh, you know, financially set and
kind of know where I'm living and who I'm with,
and at that point, like, no, I want kids, just
the reason I was so, I was doubting a little
bit early on in my office because I just don't

(32:59):
think I was ready to have kids great at this moment.
But I think it's also like what you said, like
you want to have kids with the right person, because
people ask me, like one of the number one question
they get asked all the time is if I want
more kids, And I do, Like, I really want more kids,
but I want to have more kids with like the
right person, you know what I mean. So if that
never happens, and at leastity of two. But I think
that's a big thing. Like it's hard to imagine yourself

(33:21):
having kids when you're like so single, you know, Yeah, absolutely,
I think I think I need to learn how to
depend on myself before I can let others depend on
me too in terms of kids. That's deep. That was deep.
I wasking on that one for a second. It's a
good one. But that's very true because I think that
is a fear for a lot of people that I
have no business being a father. So I can't be
doing this. Oh it's terrified I'm only going to mess

(33:42):
them up. Yeah, I feel like I like, I mean, help,
I suck at dating, Like I already feel insecure about
my dating life, let alone taking care of such a
fragile thing like a baby and trying to raise them
right and teach them right from wrong. Um, it's a
very intimidating endeavor to take and so totally, I will
say children in general, though, I enjoy being around children,

(34:05):
even like my closest friends. Um, before I went on
the show and I was like working as a recruiter
for all those years, I was always kind of having
like this uh professional like uncertain people I wanted to do.
And a lot of my great friends were always like,
you should go into teaching like elementary education. Um, whatever
that is, because I do. I feel like I feel
like that whatever whatever else. I'm just saying. I feel

(34:26):
like when I'm a dad, I'll be a good dad.
I just know that I need to be like I
don't know, I need to figure out exactly what I
like being around kids. I guess I think you're going
to be an awesome dad. And I think everything that
I've I'm sure Amanda can attest this. Every parent that
I've ever talked about, like like, how do you know
what you're doing with raising kids? And like every parents
always like you just do the best you can stuff.

(34:48):
That's why I think it's funny like hearing I mean
my friends are the same way, Like when you hear
people talk about wanting kids, are like, well, first, I
need to be financially set. I need to work on myself,
I need to do all these things. I'm like, you're
literally never gonna have kids. If you were just trying
to wait till you're perfect, it just happens and then
you just like you said, you just do the best
you can can you enjoy it? And Amanda, you've done
a wonderful job. You guys are so nice. How old

(35:08):
are your daughter? Six? And four? Yeah? What are other
deal breakers? All three of you are single? Are there
any other things that in your mind that's it? If
this happened, I'm out no matter what. Uh. Cigarette smoking
totally number one? I agree, absolutely agree, same. I just
don't think I could kiss someone routinely that always has
a cigarette in the mouth and like the cigarette breath

(35:29):
and it's just you know, it might be a deal breaker.
I mean I have so many oh gosh, okay, um,
like most importantly, like obviously, somebody that wants kids and
like family super important to them is number one for me.
But um also, like, I mean, somebody that's honest, somebody
that's consistent. But I think also someone that just has

(35:50):
like the same like morals and values is me especially
like raising kids. I've realized, like I have like a
very it's hard being a single mom because you're not
like raising your kids with somebody else. And I have
like this very specific way that I like raise my kids,
Like I want them to be like super respectful, super
nice to everybody. So like when you bring someone else around,

(36:10):
I don't know, like it's hard for them to like,
like I don't want them to like rub off on
my kids, and like the way I know actually you
mentioned makes sense. You mentioned this to me in the
past before. How as selective as you are with the
people that you date, you also are very very It
takes you a long time to be willing to introduce
them to your children, which I think is very important
because they don't want to. I don't know, constantly me

(36:31):
meeting these guys that you're dating, because it could be
confusing for them. But that's that's an interesting point too,
because as a single mother, you're kind of allowed to
raise them the way that you want to raise them.
And Mark like in your point, you're kind of obviously
sharing the raising of the children with your wife, so
it's kind of sort of thing. Yeah, um, I could
see you having real issue with a guy coming in
and having certain things he wants for the kids, certain rules,
certain you know, or like idated a guy once that

(36:54):
was like not that nice to like waiters or like
our house cleaners and stuff. And I was like, and
he was really sweet to my kids, but I'm like,
I don't want my kids seeing that, you know what
I mean, Like I raised them to be like super
nice to everybody and like treat everybody with respect. So
that's like such a big thing for me, is like
I just want my kids to be like nice, good people.
That's a big one totally. This is kind of often
be in path. But when you said nice to service

(37:15):
and bargers, that is my number one pet peeve not
it's probably a deal breaker. If I'm gonna date with
somebody and then they're rude to a waiter, a bartender,
I don't think I'm more turned off. Like I remember
this one specific date that I want on. The girl
never even looked at the server's eyes, Like he came
over and started introducing himself and she interrupted and was
like I'll take this and I'll take that. And I
was like, oh God, is this date over again? This

(37:37):
is awful? And so I always say that I think
people should always work in the hospitality industry for six months.
It should be it should be a given because you
need to. It really teaches you how to treat people
you never really like you learned so many manners by
cleaning up and serving people. Sorry, I'll take the pettini
alfredo a diet coke, and then you go, I'll take
the check. But yeah. Then, also what you guys said,

(38:01):
like cigarette smoking and just a guy that like drinks
too much, which I feel like it is so common,
like should get so drunk and it's such a turn off.
I don't like that. And you said something too that
was actually pretty interesting to me. You said consistent, which
I really like that answer because I think that people
change over time. But as long as you don't change
who you are, that's the most important thing. And to

(38:22):
stay consistent with who you are and what your character is.
Of course you're going to change, like there are things
three years ago that I that like, I had one
view on and now I have a different view on
because I've evolved, I've changed, But you know, I think
it's very important to try to also stay consistent to
who you are as a human. Being, and so I
really like that answer. What about money issues? Somebody is

(38:43):
super cheap, somebody is super you know, spends money like crazy.
Has that ever come into play that something you consider?
I want to ask financial As a girl, if okay,
guy takes you on a date, do you split the
bill and do you want him to pay? Like, what
is your first day? First day? Even if it's just drink,
it's say it drinks or dinner? Okay, what is your

(39:04):
now it's you know, obviously it's probably not a deal
breaker for you, but what do you prefer? Because as
a guy, I I I want to pay. I mean,
to be completely honest, I think it'd be kind of
a turn off if a guy let me split the
ball with him on the first thing. And if you
offer to pay and see what he how you responds.
I always offer, Yeah, if they actually accepted, it's kind
of a turn off. Or like the check is just

(39:26):
in the middle of the table and you're kind of
just both awkward staring at it, and he like reluctantly
reaches over and his like, uh so you want to
split it? Or that would be yeah. I always I
always try to take charge and I always try to
pay for the bill for the first, you know, first date.
I understand, like I can't pay, like if we go
on four dates, and they're probably not going to pay
for every time obviously, but first day, I think it's
just a really nice gesture. Even if the date doesn't

(39:47):
go well like the date that it was awful on,
I still paid for the whole thing, which was a
terrible mistake because she got like five drinks in the bills.
Like I was like, I was like, please, just someone
just throw me off the top of this building. I
will say, when I first moved to l A, I've
been pretty poor in my whole of life. When I
first moved to l A, I had sold my car
um like, my job was fine, but I wasn't like
and like rent out here is so ridiculous. I was
adjusting to all that kind of stuff, and I was

(40:08):
like trying to go on dates and meet people like
you go out, and I'm like, I just have no
money to even spend on myself, and now here I
am I have to pay for dinner and drinks and
all that kind of stuff. Like you want to be
a gentleman and do those sorts of things. But I
don't think that we should overlook the guys that are
maybe unable to split and pay the bill entirely. Is
that a deal breaker? Though? You meet a guy who
doesn't have a job right now, for a lot of women,

(40:28):
that's goodbye kind of. I mean, I don't I don't
necessarily think like how much. I don't really care how
much money a guy makes. I think it's just like
the gesture of like paying on the first date. You
know what I mean, I think is they're a hard worker.
I mean, not someone who's just lazy, but exactly maybe
you're working towards like Dean, you're not lazy. You just
came out here and you started to struggle early on,
and then you obviously got your you know, footing after

(40:48):
a little while. I think, also, um, what the hell
was I going to say? Oh, if you don't have
a lot of money, what you can do as a
guy is you cannot go out for dinner and just
go out for drinks or even coffee. Like if you
go out for coffee and then you just pay for
a coffee, that's you paying for the date, but it's
only a four dollar date. Those creative, those creative like
fund dates have always been so challenging for me. You
could go to the beach, obviously, have a picnic and

(41:09):
spend you know, ten dollars on a charcuterie board or
something like that on a what house and get a
charcuterie board probably sells on sale. God, I'm just saying
it's a high scale wasting cold cuts, all right, that's
fair enough. I'm really bad at those though, and those
are those can be just as beneficial, I feel like too,
because then there's not even the pressure of having to

(41:30):
split it, having to pay for it, having to do
all that kind of stuff. You can just get like
a three buck chuck out of um um Trader Joe's
and then get a six dollar charcuterie board at a
house on sale, and that's what we call it. Actually,
I think that's pretty cute. Your thoughts on cute first dates?
Would you rather go on a first date with somebody
and just kind of have a very casual drinks, coffee,

(41:51):
so on, or would you rather go on like a
very extravagant, not extravagant, but like a fun date, like
let's do something adventurous together for a first date? First date?
First date? Right, because you have to see if you
actually like the person. Totally agree. Yeah, but second date
I think would be really sweet if a guy tried
to like plan something because yeah, what about Because I
talked to Tanya, who if we've had on the show before,
and Erica who we've talked to. They don't like dinner

(42:11):
first dates because it's too much of a commitment. They
like drinks so they can get the hell out of there.
If it leads to dinner, great, but they like something short.
That's exactly what I say, Like, you start off just
saying drinks, but if it's going well, then you guys
can order dinner. You want to hear about a very
committed first day. So one of my great girlfriends, a
girl I went to college with, actually just uh this
past weekend or not maybe even like two weekends ago. Um,

(42:32):
she was like talking. She's like, Yeah, this guy from
Florida who I've been talking to you for a little bit,
he's gonna come out to l A and hang out
with me. And I was like, wait, um, have you
ever met this guy? Are you gonna go on dates
with him first? And she's like no, we've just been
talking a lot, and like we Um, I don't know.
We're gonna try and he's gonna come out to l
A and like hang out with me. She literally committed
nine days to spending time with this guy, and she
was dreading it too. She's like, I'm gonna hate him.
It's gonna be horrible, like I don't know what to expect, etcetera, etcetera.

(42:54):
And then actually I just saw her yesterday with the guy. Um,
she came over to hang out with a little for
little bit, and uh, that night she changed your Facebook
status to in a relationship with this guy that she's
dating now. So it's like she over committed to the
relationship very very early, Like it's almost like going to
like a dinner on steroids. But it worked out for
her in that favorite In that way, sometimes I feel
like when you, even if you're just talking to someone

(43:16):
like you kind of can tell if you're gonna like
them or not. So I agree sometimes I like going.
My favorite first day is probably a coffee day. I
know everybody like gives me a crap for that, but
I like it for the simple factor. Well one because
it is kind of like getting drinks because you can
like kind of get out of there if you need
to if it's not going well, because you're right dinner
just it's like by the time Jenner comes and dessert,
you're with this person like an over an hour, and

(43:37):
if it's not going well, it's just a really awful
conversation obligation exactly, And it's like an awkward conversation. But
at least if you're getting drinks, you can get out
there and tap hour. But the reason I like coffee
is because if you're able to hold a conversation with
somebody without the use of alcohol, I think that's a
really good first step. Absolutely. But I think the thing
that sucks about a coffee day is that it's very
it's almost like too formal in a sense where you're

(43:57):
gonna sit down and be like, Hi, this is my name,
this is how old I am, this is what I
do for work, and it's just very like isn't that
like a first day in general? Like, yeah, but what's
the difference between getting coffee and getting drinks in terms
of like conversational drink seems like a little more fun
and casual. Yeah, it's like interviewing exactly, like you're gonna
go over your resume or something like, right, maybe I guess.
I don't know. I don't know. Help by Seth. Look,

(44:21):
my first day with my wife was a baseball game.
We've talked about this before. I'm a big fan of
sporting events. Tanya and Becca rolled their eyes because they
do not want to sit for three hours at a
sporting event with a guy they don't like. But I
love it because if you want to talk, you can talk.
If you don't want to talk and watch the game,
that's fine too. It's not awkward. There's not like weird
conversational pauses. You watch the game, you can talk. If

(44:43):
you want to have a beer, have a beer. It's
more relaxed by but like that totally and well, it
takes a lot of pressure off. That was almost twenty
one years ago. So it went well. And the man
you're you're a great husband. Every every episode, Mark just
has to just look me dead in the eyes and
be like twenty one I was, so you know I

(45:05):
was twenty six when I met her, Yes, right around. Well,
I guess I'm just like I will say, first date,
just don't go to a movie. That's my biggest It's
so bad. I don't understand why people and apparently that
still happens in front of my one on a day
and they went to go see a movie. Probably was
I forget it was like last year at some point,
but like, still, what if it was, like what if

(45:27):
it was like a drink thing that turned into evolved
into it also let's go to a movie. No, that's
not what happened. But I'm just saying, generally speaking, sure
of course, if you're like, hey, let's go get drinks
first and then go see a movie, sure, because you
have a conversation, but still awkward position because like you said,
what the drinks don't go well and you're like, you
don't plan on it. I'm just saying, it's like, hey,
we just spend an hour talking to each other. Now
let's go sit in the dark room for two hours.
And that's the awkward thing is that you're sitting next

(45:48):
to each other, because there's always like I'm sorry, but
if a first date, like it's always that awkward, Like
your arms are literally like a foot away from each other,
so it's like, you know, it's a first date, so
obviously I'm not gonna hold their hand, but it's almost
awkward if I'm not like sitting so closely in the
dark room and not like touching you in any way.
I don't know. It's just I think that could be
very beneficial because then you could see, like if this
person is a movie whisper, like, is she trying to

(46:08):
crack jokes throughout the movie that's important to a lot
of people. Are you a movie whisper? Yeah, Gode Breaker,
Well not like not if maybe I am, and maybe
I'm not. I don't know, maybe I haven't seen it.
I remember one time when to go see a movie
with a girl and she like leaned over and she
was like halfway through and she's like, why did he
do that? So that's not I was like, I don't know.
Let's experience this journey together like I'm seeing it for

(46:30):
the first time too, I know, ask questions. I just
kind of more like make little tiny statements that add
to the experience for everyone. I will sometimes even speak
louder so the people around me you can hear what
I'm saying. Your jokes are so good, Like you value
your own humor so much, You're like everybody in the
theater needs to do this. Well, let's turn it over

(46:51):
to an expert at this point, shall we yes, please.
She is a life coach. She calls herself a possibilitarian.
She has board certified. We've had her on here before.
We've had her on before. She's a life coach. She's
Shari Haley, Shari everyone, Shari. How are we able to
convince you to come back on the podcast? Sure, you're wonderful.
Oh man, I just love hanging out with you. It's

(47:11):
becoming a thing for me. Well, we wish you were
in studio with us instead of over the phone. But
thank you so much for calling in. Awesome, Absolutely, how
are you. We're doing well, so you're joined. I'm sure
you kind of got the run through, but we have Jared,
Mark Eastern and Amanda Stanton here in studio and Shari. Hi,
Hi guys. Hi. But um no, yeah, thank you so

(47:34):
much for for again for calling in, um and through
the breakup and all that kind of stuff. It's funny
because I feel like so many things have happened since
the last time we had a conversation. Yeah, I know,
tell me, well, tell me everything, Dean. Well, I had
a girlfriend for four months. I no longer have that girlfriend.
And uh, yeah, I'm not sure if you listen to

(47:54):
the last week's episode. But um, things have been a
bit challenging, I think for for kind of everyone involved
in the situation, And um, what's funny actually is I
think last time we spoke, I had mentioned something about
going back to therapy or going to therapy and uh,
something I started recently as well. But it's nice to
obviously have you and then broadcast your kind of professional
opinions of the world, because you know, that's kind of
what this whole the whole point of this is. But

(48:17):
but yeah, I don't know what what do you tell
me what you're going through now post breakup? Are you
trying to figure out why it fell apart? You know,
old patterns or what would what do you want to
feel as opposed to what you're feeling. I'd love to
take you into a better place with it or understanding
what happens. Well, it's definitely gotten a lot better. It's
it's not quite as fresh in my mind. I think

(48:37):
last time I spoke on it, it was like four
moves I'm sorry, four days removed, and now we're what
eleven days later, And I mean, obviously it just gets
a little bit easier as time goes on. But um,
it's been you know, a little bit of depression, a
lot of anxiety, a lot of stress, especially kind of
like the publicness of it of the breakup is always challenging.
I'm sure a man you can speak to that, right
for sure. That's actually good point. We should probably talk

(48:58):
about that maybe maybe maybe in a second, um, But no,
it's it's I've been focusing a lot on kind of
like coping coping um activities. So like I've been doing
a lot of meditating, working out, um, trying to like
enroll myself in more hobbies. Um. That's kind of that's
kind of where I'm at right now in that sense.
If that makes sense, Well, tell me a little bit

(49:21):
about the anxiety and the depression, because I'll give you
a little This is an interesting formula. There's a formula
for happiness, and there's a formula for unhappiness. Is it
like a multiplication problem? Can you write it down? Kind
of you can write it's not nine times three? Is it?
It's really helpful to know because then it gives you

(49:42):
sort of the sense of power that you can you
can change these things, you know, when you're feeling like that,
feelings that you don't want to have. So there's anxiety
and depressions coming up, probably because your blueprint, which is
kind of your expectation of your life, is not equal
to the way your life is. So if your blueprint
needs to equal your life condition and the formulas like

(50:04):
VP equals LC and and that's like you know that
if you had this blueprint that you should be in
relationship or you should have stayed in relationship with her,
and you're broken up. That means now you're in the
formula for unhappiness because those two don't equal each other anymore.
And the way to get back to them equaling and

(50:25):
feeling good again is to say, oh, update the blueprint.
I shouldn't be with her, it wasn't the right pairing,
and so therefore we are a part and the blueprint
now equals again the life conditions, or you try to
update the life conditions and get back together because your
blueprint says we should have been together. Right, So if

(50:48):
you have the right definition of where you should be
right now, I should be single, I should still be
out there meeting new people, then then it sort of
sets you back. Got to feel good again, and I
think all of your activities that you're doing sound phenomenal
to taking care of your body and meditating and all
those things. Actually, how do you feel really good? Can

(51:11):
I ask strong? And healthy? Can I ask you a question?
Is it too soon after you break up to start
doing things like fun things with your friends like going
to like music festival or going to basketball games? And
she just like trying to get your mind off things.
I think that that would be incredibly healthy. I think
that yeah, you you in last you know, there was
some kind of like avoidance of of what you really

(51:33):
needed to feel. I think that there's there's two things, right,
if you have grief or sadness that are coming through
because you're not with this person, you need to feel
those things. You can't. You know, if you're just trying
to distract and avoid, those feelings will fester, right, They'll
get toxic within you because they get stuck, And that's
what causes us to get sicked down the road. If

(51:54):
we're trying to deny those things, how do you confront
those Like if you if you don't avoid them, what
do you what can you do to confront them? There's
a lot of different ways. I think talking about it
is really helpful being with trusted, you know, friends and
a therapist or somebody that you really feel safe with
to talk it through, allows those feelings to come through.

(52:15):
There's um writing that you can do to allow the
feelings to kind of come through on a page. I
think movement is really great. Like nothing feels better than like,
you know, feeling super angry or you know, dad's on
a super staff run. You know, like if you're out
there in nature and hiking and letting those feelings come through,

(52:37):
It's it's like seeing yourself as a channel, right and
allowing them to just wash through you. That's super healthy.
And you can go to a music festival and you know,
be out there with friends and still feel the feelings.
You know, I tell them, look, oh my gosh, this
song is totally choking me up. Or I'm I'm feeling
like so grateful that you guys have my back right

(52:58):
now because this is all coming up and I'm missing her.
Isn't that why everybody goes to for like emotional support. Totally? Yeah,
I think it's. So that's the fine line, right, You're
not going to deny that they're there and pretend that
you don't feel bad. You're just being honest about it,
but still feeling alive and doing things that fill you

(53:20):
up and make you feel good. Okay, that's good advice.
That makes me feel better. It's yeah, yeah, sure, even
hearing you talk, I think it's so difficult just going
through a breakup for the simple fact that like, like
nobody knows, like we talked about before, you just do
the best you can. Nobody knows when the right time
is to move on, or like, oh, should I be
doing things with my friends, or should I be in

(53:40):
my room sulking, or should I be, you know, trying
to better myself because of the things that I've done wrong,
or should I constantly looking for the next person? Like
it's just kind of you have to just do the
best you can and go through gutten if you're you know,
and that's I think that's all you can really do.
I don't think any of every breakup the same. I
think each one is into Joel, and I think each

(54:00):
one you have to really kind of listen to your
heart and and you listen to your gut and do
the best you can. Yeah. Yeah, And there's there's the
thing that I work with clients on a lot that um,
we could talk about for a really long time. It's
called human needs psychology, and this is also a really
helpful tool that when you're trying to think about like

(54:23):
how to take care of yourself on a day to
day basis, how to how to feel good. There are
six needs that we all have that if you're really
conscious about them, you're aware of them, you can say, oh,
like I could go out drinking with my buddies and
that would get my needs met at an okay level. Maybe,

(54:44):
or I could go, you know, take a class, or
go really talk to somebody and connect deeply, or you know,
do something that would help others. Right, And all of
a sudden, I feel like so much better than I
would have just doing that one thing and met my
needs at a much higher level, and in fact, I
feel good for days. You know, the as human needs

(55:05):
all run through them. Just for the listeners, and you know,
it's certainly something anybody can email me and I'll send
it to you. Much more information about them, but their certainty.
So we all have a need for safety and love
and in sort of pleasure and comfort uncertainty. We have
a need for variety and excitement, significance. We need to

(55:26):
feel like we matter, like people need us and we
mean something to the world and love and connection, which
is an obvious one growth and contribution. Right, So if
you think, like, man, I'm feeling so low, you can
think about those six needs and go, what could I
do that would meet all of those needs at a
really high level? Would it would Coachella give me all

(55:49):
those things? And then you know you've got a winner,
right if it does. No, I agree, Like sometimes I
I you know, obviously that's the first time I heard
the six stets or the six needs that are good
for you. But I think there are a lot of
times where I'm I'm feeling down by by myself, and
I'll consciously think to myself, what can I do right
now they'll make me feel better, And it's you know,
sometimes I'll go work out, or I'll go play a sport,

(56:11):
or I'll just take a walk outside and get a coffee,
and all of a sudden, just I feel a little
bit better from being in the sunshine and taking a
you know, uh breath of fresh air. Um. Because sometimes,
like I'll just be on the couch and I'll be
like scrolling through my phone and I'll just like be
feeling down about myself and I'm like, I need to
just do something, um and it's it's amazing how just
like a simple walk outside will just kind of bring

(56:33):
me back to center, you know, yeah, big time. It
gives you at least three of those needs. It gives
you certainty, uncertainty, and connection to yourself. Probably how do
you also feel significant because there you are out there
taking care of yourself, is feeling good in nature and
doing something wise, you know, so four out of the
six kneeds at least you're getting and that means it's

(56:54):
a it's a good thing to do. So I love
tools that give you something to hold onto, and I
think that's a great way to make decisions. Totally. The
significant part is I'll call I'll call my mom Mom,
and like she just understands me better than anybody in
this world, and she has just it's not even what
she says, it's just how she says it. And immediately

(57:16):
if I'm bringing if I'm too down or if I'm
too high, like she'll just bring me kind of like
right back to center. And I think, you know, and
you know that's you know, me calling my mom is
is you know you can find your own way of
setting yourself. That's kind of the thing that I had
a conversation with someone the other day about that, because
I don't really have much of a family out Los Angeles,
Like I don't have someone that can call and be like, hey,
this is what's going on. I'm sad, I'm going through this,

(57:37):
whatever it is. I have my friends, of course, who
want to be helpful, but you can't, really, like you
said earlier, open up to them as much as you
maybe would need to depending on the friendship totally. Yeah,
So so that's kind of the challenging thing for for
me personally. UM, I am trying to make more of
an effort to hang out, Like with my brother, We're
going to Kentucky for a week in May to go
rock climbing back towards and he has a good relationship

(57:57):
with his girlfriend as well, and UM, I don't. I
just it's a weird dynamic when you don't necessarily have
that immediate family to necessarily lean on. Um. But I
do have like great friends that are constant reaching out
and like saying like hey, if anything, obviously more than
happy like step in and be that kind of resource
for you. But um, it's funny that we all kind
of have a different way of going about handling those
difficult situations. I suppose, Well, is it fair to say

(58:17):
that women and men both respond to break up differently,
because it seems like with guys they want to get
out there and live their life and and maybe get
back on the horse, where with women they tend to
be more, uh, they tend to close themselves in a
little bit more and shut themselves off from the world.
Is that fair to say? Yeah, it'd be tricky to generalize,
you know, the whole gender, but I think I think

(58:40):
it's true that, you know, we both have feminine and
masculine energy, right, So if a woman is sort of
going super masculine with her breakup, she's probably just gonna
like zero in on work and stuff to do and
try to win in other ways. That's what the masculine
would try to do, is like go feel like you're
winning or you're significant at something else to feel good again.

(59:04):
And the feminine energy and us would probably more likely, um,
try to go for safety, right, try to cuddle up
and like cole up and be safe and go within
and probably talk to girlfriends. You know, Yeah, there be
some ice cream involved. I always get ice cream. I
almost got I almost got salt and straw by myself

(59:25):
last night because I was like, I just want an
ice cream com I'm regretting it right now. I didn't.
But actually I kind of want to hear a man's
perspective on it, because Amanda, you've you know, you've had
two public breakups from the Bachelor, and you know you,
I think you come from a different perspective because you
wore a mom and so it's like for someone like
Dean and myself, like we can have an opportunity to
kind of like, Okay, we need to focus on ourselves,

(59:47):
you know, how do how do I best handle this breakup?
For you, it's a different scenario, and I would imagine
a far more difficult one. Yeah. Well, I was gonna say, Dean,
I think you're actually doing a good job. I think that.
I agree. I think a lot of times guys when
they're going through break up just one to like go
out or go to coachel and hang out with their friends,
which is fine, and I think it's good too. But
I don't think you're like running from how you're feeling.
I think you're handling it really well, so you're welcome, um.

(01:00:10):
But for me, yeah, it's tough because I think being
a single mom, I already have so much guilt kind
of of like I've talked about it so many times,
like how I raise my kids and I want to
like just like give them stability and like be really
happy all the time. So when I'm going through something hard,
it's hard for me to show my emotions and I
feel like I just need to be like super happy

(01:00:30):
for my kids all the time, which is like kind
of difficult because I feel like I kind of ignore
how I'm feeling and then it hits me later. I
don't really deal with my emotions, so I think that
costs from you know, being a mom and having to
take care of other people. I don't really allow myself
to be sad. Well, the tricky thing is, yeah, you've
got that blueprint equals to life conditions formula that in

(01:00:53):
order to be a good mom you have to be happy, yeah, exactly,
which is tricky because you're a human being and I
think you you obviously have days when you don't feel happy.
So what happened there, It's like then your blueprint doesn't
match and you're probably feeling worse for it because you're
not only sad, you're not supposed to be sad on

(01:01:13):
top of it. Yeah, I've always got to noticed the
two differences between men and women when they break up.
Is the guy for the first month after breakup will
be very happy and then afterwards will be very sad,
and the woman for after the breakup will be very
sad for the first month and then very happy afterwards. Totally,
it's like a weird it's like a weird yining in
that sense. I feel like, yeah, yeah, girls tend to.

(01:01:35):
I think we as women get more emotional support after
a breakup. Does that resonate with you guys? It feels
like we get we we can open up more easily
and ask for support, and so we probably heal more quickly. Yeah. Yeah,
we have like all our girlfriends to talk about it with. Yeah,
I mean you do too, but I feel like girls

(01:01:55):
to talk about it more. Actually, yeah, but it's interesting
here you say that, because like I have a lot
of guy friends at place sports with and hang out with.
It's definitely like quote unquote like kind of like that
bro go to sports power playpool. But then I have
my buddy, Um, Chad, who's like the greatest guy ever,
and like he's somebody that I I talked to about
relationships and how I'm feeling and he's, you know, he's

(01:02:15):
he's happily engaged right now. And uh, it's it's good
to have that person in your life to really just
be like, you know, to talk about how you're truly feeling,
because you need to get those um, you know, emotions
off your chest. They're just the way you know to
have you Guys, part of this show that online right
now called We Are a Man Enough. No, it's a
great one to check out. It's um Justin Baldoni and

(01:02:38):
some really cool guys sitting around at a table talking
about this stuff like why can't we be more open
with each other? What's the deal with us being vulnerable?
And we need to feel our feelings too? And I
just I feel like we're on the brink of kind
of a men's revolution that I'm very excited about. Men
can actually have more connection to the are feminine side

(01:03:01):
or so maybe redefining masculinity. I think it's time. I agree.
A surey, would you have any advice for not only
a man to hear about any of all the storts
that might be going through similar situation where they do
have difficulty talking about their emotions, but they also have
kids and so you know, they're just a very busy
human being and so they don't really have time to

(01:03:21):
you know, go to a class or you know, work
out on their own. Um, do you have any advice
for them to like, maybe this is what you can
do with a little time that you might have to
really try to. Yeah, because I'm a single mom, so
I totally relate to Amanda and know what you're going
through and how at times like the big emotion that

(01:03:41):
would come up for me was overwhelmed of just like,
oh my god, I have to do everything by myself.
It's all on me. I'm trying to be the perfect
mom and show that like the smiley face and also
I'm right there with you. And what I've learned through
parenting training and working with clients and just trying it
with my own babies is showing them my humanity is
a giant gift right, showing them that Mama has emotions,

(01:04:04):
because what they'll learn is if I only show them happy,
then they're going to grow up down the road feeling
like they can only be happy because they never learned
what to do when they weren't by watching me. So
when I have feelings come up, I'll speak them. I'll say,
I am feeling x y Z. I'm super honest about it,

(01:04:25):
and here's what I need. It's simple. And the kids
now know that if they're not getting like their best
mom and I'm looking like I'm going off the rails,
they'll say, mommy, what do you need? And heaven, heaven. Yeah,
I mean, I think you can give them shortcuts that
then they feel significance back to the human needs because

(01:04:46):
they know that they can do something to bring out
the best in you. They don't just have to let
go run and hide. Yeah that's sweet. Sweet. Yeah, Well,
say thank you so much for calling back in and
taking the time to speak with us. And I know
you mentioned earlier that if anyone wanted to, um, you know,
kind of expand on any any of these ideas that
you've had, they could email you. Do you mind plugging
your email address real quick? Sure? Yeah, sure at shree

(01:05:09):
Healy dot com. And it's spelled h E r I
E and the h E A L E y perfect
for any listener out there. That has any more questions
for SHUREI feel free to shoot an email. UM super helpful,
I think for for pretty much anyone or any situation.
So um sureie, thank you again so much for calling
back in and you know we hope to have you
on in a later podcast. We can just kind of
keep this, uh this, I guess partnership and friendship going awesome.

(01:05:33):
I would love it. You guys are the greatest. I
have a great rest of your day. I'll talk to
you soon. Thank thank you. All right, by, guys, have
some emails we should get to before we wrap up today,
because it's good to get everybody's perspective on these. A
lot of people will have some issues. They'd like some advice.
We all got issues, you know, we ever we do you.
I'm not sure how to pronounce this woman's name. M

(01:05:54):
A r A M merriam, um merriam. Looking to the notes. Hey, Hey,
I'm nineteen and perpetually single. I went on a trip
with a ton of students from my university to a
competition where I met this guy from a different school.
He was sweet and funny and totally cool. I don't
know what the competition was, but she elaborates that he

(01:06:15):
ended up doing a performance for one of the competitions
and was amazing. After everyone performed right into him and
told him how well he did. I ended up getting
his handles for Twitter and Instagram, so I slid into
the d M s. We got to talking for a
few days, and we've been talking for over a week,
every single day. I kind of want to tell him
that I've had a crush on him for a while,
but I think that would be stupid since we've only
been talking for less than two weeks. Should I wait

(01:06:36):
until the one month mark to tell him? Should I
not tell him at all? We live about four hours away,
but we're always in each other's cities for events. I
just want to know if I should tell him or not.
And I want to know if he likes me, because
if he doesn't, I'd rather just stop talking then getting
invested and get my heartbroken. Any advice would be helpful, Marem,
you just answered the question. You just answered your own questions.
You said, I don't I want to know if you.

(01:06:57):
I want to know if he likes me or not.
Then you have to tell him that you like him
and see what he responds with that you have nothing
to lose, seriously, nothing to lose at all. But that's
a yeah. I mean you're you're your own Uh. I
can't even say, I can't even talk right now, But
that happens so often with these emails. They answer it,
they're in they know what they answer exactly. You're so wise,
your wise, be on your your own ears, you know

(01:07:18):
the answer. Yeah. I think you're just scared to tell
him how you feel, which is understandable. But I think
you should just be honest with how you're feeling and
if he's not feeling the same way, then you can
move on. So what does she doing to say I'm
really I'm into you? Or does she ask him about
I would say, if they're always in the same city
for an event, just ask him to hang out first,
one on one, I guess, and the next time they're
in the same city is exactly, yeah, let's get together.

(01:07:39):
She's nineteen, so don't get a drink. Maybe hease shared
method is perfect for this. Yeah, I think that you
definitely answered your own question there. It's pretty pretty cut
and dry with that one. Just go ahead and make
a move, and you know, don't wait for him to
make it. I understand that sometimes girls do like the
having the guy reach out first and kind of have
that set up. But if you like him and you
want to know if he likes you back, you need
to just go out there. And it's definitely scary and

(01:07:59):
intimidating in the moment, but you're gonna feel so much
better after you get a response one way or the other.
It's going to be like a weight off your shoulders.
Absolutely right. Sean is the next one, and that's a guy.
By the way, we got an email from a guy third,
the third email in twenty seven episodes. By three equals nine.
Let's go bottom and I have a new next door

(01:08:20):
neighbor that I met while walking my dog a few
weeks back. My dog seemed to like her, but we
didn't talk long, just introduced each other and I told
her about the puppies my dog had just had. We
arranged the time for me to bring the puppies over
to show her, and then they after the dinner. She
said she wasn't free that day and asked her to
message me later that weekend. So Easter Sunday came and
a message her Happy Easter, and she responded later the

(01:08:40):
same day messaged her again, saying, let's order some food
and have a movie night in. I have not heard
back from her. Where did I go wrong? Here's and
there's a keyps here. I'm thirty nine, about to be forty,
she's maybe twenty five, twenty seven. I think I know
this is a good female perspective on one if a guy, sorry,
so you you like, if you haven't gone on a

(01:09:02):
date with her yet, I think it's a little weird
to have a movie night in. The guy asked me that,
I think I think you got to take her to dinner. Yeah,
you definitely go out to a public place first, because
I feel like, as a girl, Yeah, the guy's just
coming over, or if he invites you over to his
place immediately, she's just gonna think you want to hook
up with her. Yeah, that's like Netflix and Chill, basically

(01:09:22):
right and chills. I think it really depends on the situation,
but yeah, I think Amanda is absolutely right. Maybe you
just ask her to go to dinner. I also think
the age difference is a flag for her, probably, and
you're almost forty. If she knows that, I don't know
if she does or not, but I think that's a
flag for her, or maybe she really just wanted to

(01:09:42):
see the puppies. Of course, who's going to pass puppies.
But also, if you live right next to each other,
it's gonna be really awkward if you go out and
it doesn't work out so well, and it's gonna be weird. Yeah,
it's just gonna be weird garbage. You have to just
like peek out the window to make sure she's not
on the front yard and you run out. It's just
a lot of a lot of moving parts of one.
Maybe try again and just ask her to dinner coffee.

(01:10:02):
Here's what you do, Sean moved to a different apartment. Yes,
change your entire life for this one potential date. Have
a second litter of puppies, bring them to her at
a at a mutually agreed upon location in public, and
then they see where it goes. I think there no
response to your text is all you need to know.
I move on. Yeah, I think so too, And especially

(01:10:23):
since she wasn't free that day and he asked her
to message me later that weekend, so I don't know,
not a good neighbor. Focus on. I think that's the
best course. Denny has a question My boyfriend and I
have been dating for over a year now. Things are great.
He's a great boyfriend, He's there when I need him,
and we connect well. We've had conversations about getting married
and having kids, and he says he wants that and

(01:10:43):
he can't wait. The problem is we can't see him
to move forward in our relationship. He's thirty, I'm twenty seven,
and we both still live at home. The conversation has
been brought up a lot between his about moving in
together and taking the next step. He says he's down
and wants to, but I can tell it gives him anxiety.
He has made any effort into looking at places, but
keeps promising he will. I feel like I'm dating Peter

(01:11:04):
Pan who doesn't want to grow up and have responsibilities.
Am I feeling myself short? And help? I suck at
dating Denny. I don't think you're selling yourself shut. I
think you definitely need to test living together before you
can continue to have conversations getting married and have kids though.
And the thing is he is answering all the questions correctly.
He is saying I do want this, I do want that,
so I don't think it would be the worst thing
to any if you looked at places as well and
was like, let's go look at this apartment at this

(01:11:26):
day together to see if this is what we want,
because like he is saying yes to it now. Granted
you know he's thirty or twenty seven. You both live
at home, so that's obviously maybe I don't know, Maybe
I don't. Yeah, certainly, like definitely, of course take the
next step. You guys have been dating for a year.
But I think I think, of yes, if it's giving

(01:11:46):
him anxiety, but it would give anybody anxiety. It would
certainly give me anxiety. If I was dating someone for
you and they're like, let's move in together, I'd be like, sure,
of course. But I think, of course i'd have a
little anxiety about it, because you know, living together is
a big statement in the relationship. That's kind of like
a line right there to be like, Okay, now we're
going to move in together. I'm gonna see each other
all the time, and this is gonna be a very

(01:12:07):
big moment in our relationships. So I don't think the
anxiety part you should be that concerned about. I think
more so, um, I don't think it would be the
worst thing if you kind of took initiative and looking
at places and being like, hey, there's a you know,
an open house on Saturday, you want to go to it?
And then if he keeps pushing that off, that would
be a red flag for me. But he as of
right now, he's saying, yeah, I want this, I want that.

(01:12:27):
He's not putting as much effort as you maybe you'd like,
but if you put maybe a little bit more effort,
he might catch up. Push sometimes sometimes yeah, I know,
I agree with what Jared's in. Okay, guys grow up
kicking and screaming in a lot of cases they really
don't want to get responsibilities. And I think he's also
looking at this is if we move in together, we're

(01:12:50):
going to get married or it's going to be very
very ugly, and both of those can be very equally
scary outcomes for a young single So he just needs
a little bit of a push. I think this is
going to be okay. Though I think it's gonna be okay. Well,
moving in together is challenging too. I have friends. One
of my best friends actually lived with his girlfriend for
about two or three years. They had been dating for
probably two years before moving in together. Um, and then
they broke up and moved into separate apartments, and then

(01:13:11):
after they moved out from each other, they realized that
they wanted to be back together. But just living to
living together put a straight on their relationship. So it's
just something to be they're dating now and he still
he spends five nights a week at our apartment. But
there's just something to be said about having your own
space that you can always retreat back to if you
need it, absolutely, because the problem is with living each other,
you have no personal space, like unless you go to
the bathroom for like a half hour and just like

(01:13:33):
scroll through your phone to be like I need like
a half hour of silence by myself, and so but
that is it's a big thing because like, even if
you spend five nights at somebody's else's apartment, you do
have those two nights where you can just kind of
like decompress and be in your own bed and be
in your own space and you're fine, right, But when
you live with somebody, you don't have that. So, um, yeah,
I can totally see living together is a really big

(01:13:53):
testament whether this relationship is going to work or not.
I wonder what I'm going to live with my girlfriend? Well,
you don't have one yet, but one thing at a time.
I've just always been curious about that. I'm always like,
am I ever going to live with a girlfriend? But
what do you think is a good amount of time
to be together before you move? In? A year? One year,
maybe even less? I did so I did live with
maybe three days, maybe they two and a half months.

(01:14:14):
I don't know how long is a bachelor of last.
I think I told this story before when when we
were moving from my apartment two apartments to go to
the house that we lived in before the one I'm
currently at. There was like a three week period where
we didn't have anywhere to live and I was still
dating my former girlfriend at the time, and I basically
moved in with her for those three weeks, and they
were they were perfectly fine. Obviously, it was because you know,

(01:14:35):
three weeks you're gonna be moving into your own place.
But um, that's like the one small taste of living
with a significant other that I've had in my life,
and you enjoyed it. I definitely didn't hate it. I mean, again,
we both had our full time jobs. We were you know,
living our lives independently of each other, which I think
is important as well. But it is. But when you
were a twenty year old guy, twenty something the guy,
A lot of times your priorities are hanging out with
a guy is getting horrible food and playing video games,

(01:14:55):
and a lot of that is goodbye when you move
in with her, But there are so many benefits that
he may not be seeing. It's gonna be so much nicer.
It's gonna smell better, it's gonna be cleaner, there's gonna
be better food for you. It's really a better thing.
Oh man. I remember when I was dating my ex
girlfriend when I was in my early twenties, and every
time I'd be playing video games and she'd call, I
would pick up the phone and she'd be like, Hey,
what are you doing. I'm like, oh, just you know,

(01:15:16):
I was reading a little bit and watch the TV
as I'm like playing Madden and I don't play a
lot of video games. But I remember I felt so
insecure about telling her to be like, I'm playing a
video game. I'm that guy. I don't know why red
flag video games, Amanda. I've actually never dated a guy
that like was into video games. What if you play
is like I don't know, say on average like two
hours a week, that would't bother me video games. I mean,

(01:15:40):
I think I'd be fine with it. I like sometimes
when I travel, I have like a portable little Nintendo
that I take with me, and like I'll bust it
out kind of just like unforgivingly. And you know, I
mean I've I've had both mixed responses. Sometimes if I
want an airplane, they have the TV and obviously there's
movies television, and then they'll have games, and I'm like
so ashamed sometimes to play the games, but I know,
but it's someone fun. It's just very interactive. Erica, we

(01:16:03):
need you for this one. That's from Lindsay. I'm a
big fan of the podcast. I find the content very
relatable and helpful. Dean, I appreciate your openness on the podcast.
It's been great getting to know you a little bit more.
And I think we all I think all we can
do is human beings has learned from our experiences, both
good and bad, and use them to grow. Isn't that nice?
Your willingness to share yourself with your listeners in any
capacity is inspiring. So thank you Dean, I'm ready to

(01:16:26):
follow up on Erica's crush and her oral surgeon. Oh yeah,
two episodes ago, she friend requested him during the podcast
Way to Go Girl, and I'm curious to know what happened.
What happened, Erica, Well, he accepted my friend request. That's fantastic.
But nothing has happened since. But I think that's fine.

(01:16:48):
I'm just saying, whose fault is that, Erica, it's equally
his fault and my fault. Not saying you're wrong, but
you're the one talking about it on a podcast right now,
kind of the one that's responsible for making the move.
What is Erica's next move us? I think, yeah, yeah, message?
But what is it? Is it a joke? Is it
a sub sale? Erica text me what did you text
me the other day? That was actually really really good? No.

(01:17:10):
I read that back to Mark and it was literally
the worst. Remember, I want I want to hear it.
I don't remember what it was. Are you looking up?
Amanda will be with me on this. That like messaging
him is a horrible like Okay, Amanda, so and anyone
else who didn't hear this. So she went to an
oral surgeon who was thirty and she's not bad, super handsome,

(01:17:32):
really liked him and they had a real connection, like
they were joking with each other, and every time she
was there it was great. Her oral surgery process is
over now, she's not going back there in any professional capacity.
She wants to make a move a little bit here,
so she thought a very subtle move. I think it
was my idea. Yeah, she couldn't find out on any
social media except Facebook, so she headed him on Facebook.

(01:17:53):
Just have thrown it out there. He accepted, which is
a great sign. Neither one of them has made any
kind of an initiations were in like a standoff, but
it's not an active stand off, the old Facebook standoff.
All I'm saying is like my birthday passed in the
time and he could have wished me a happy birthday,
and he didn't. He's probably not on there right often,

(01:18:13):
but that would have been nice. I did take him
almost it's taking multiple days to response. But the message
that Erica texted me that jokingly, which I think she
should send, is because he's a the oral surgeon, she
should just say new teeth. Who it is? It's funny,
It's sure, it's funny. It's going to get a rise
out of him, A guarantee he got a response, and

(01:18:33):
all you need is the response and then boom flowing
conversation and then all of a sudden, it's coffee or drinks.
It's it's such a no brainer to me. That's why
I can't understand why you won't just message it to him.
You literally have nothing to lose at all in the
entire world. You don't even have you don't even gonna
use them anymore as normal, surgeon, what you thought about
that new teeth SUITI is so stupid. Okay, I think
it's really funny, But I think if I were in

(01:18:53):
your situation, I'd probably be asking for advice too, because
I would know what to do. It's so tough. What's
your advice, A Manda, how's a girl? I don't know.
I mean, I want to say, message him, but like
if you if you like he added you as a
friend and he's seen you, he has the opportunity to
message you too. Exactly was that listening to email that
we talked about earlier today when she said something along

(01:19:15):
the lines of I like him, I just want to
know if he likes me too, and we all in
Unison gasped. Instead, of course, what you have to do
is tell him you like him, because you won't know
if he likes you unless you tell him first. And
we're using that same mindset and logic on this. I
think the consensus is new teeth. Who did? It's really
to say that, you guys also, I don't have new teeth.

(01:19:36):
They're all my feet. Well, Lindsay has a crush at
her Cairo practor that's why she's asking. For the past
three years, he's had a huge crush on him. He
was single, that he had a girlfriend, but she thinks
he's single now and she's not sure anyway. Is it
too late because it's been years? How much time has passed?
And how would I go about it? I'm twenty nine,

(01:19:56):
she's he's thirties. That's that's okay. It's easy find him
on Facebook, say new spine who this? Yeah, exactly. Let
me say this. It is never too late. Don't ever
think that I've had a mindset like I've been very
bad in that mindset as well. And it is not
too late because if you think it's too late, you
are going to always regret it. It could be like

(01:20:17):
three or four years later rekindle an older romance exactly.
So just go for it because it is worth a shot.
Because don't be scared. Sometimes I've stuffed from the same
thing where sometimes like I overthink things and it's like,
is it too late? Should I even do something? Am
I a jerk right now? And like I kind of
like just conform and like shell up to a certain
extent and just like live in this little comfort bubble.

(01:20:38):
And it wasn't until like, I think you're gonna feel
so much more empowered and and and better about yourself
if you're just like, screw it. I'm going for it.
And whenever happens happens. She says, she's more confident in
who she is than she watched three years ago. So
use it. It is not too late, go for it.
What a great story for your kids. One day, you
know everything, Well, here's my old earl surgeon, and I
had a crush on him, so I added him, and

(01:20:59):
then I said you were taking this, And then the
next thing, you know, we've been married forever. And what's
the worst that can happen? If he says, oh I'm
in a relationship, I'm sorry. Oh well that's nice and
then then you block him and never talk to him again.
There's definitely no problem, alright. One more from Anonymous. I'll
get right to it, She says. My boyfriend is not
good with being affectionate or talking about his feelings. It's
not that I want to hold my hand in public.
It's more like when it's just us, I never get

(01:21:21):
anything from him, whether it's a complimentary wow, I'm so
lucky to have you or you're amazing. I'm a person
who tells you how I feel when I feel it.
I have a steam issues already, along with everyone else
in the world. But I always thought my forever person
would change or adjust, no longer need a certain something
from him. This is getting back to deal breakers. He
also gets really quiet when I started talking about my feelings.

(01:21:41):
I feel like a lot of the time I speak
from an emotional standpoint while he's still in that logical state.
He doesn't try to get in my shoes to view
the situation through my eyes. Are these things I just
have to get used to and adjust myself. I love
him so much, honestly, I can't picture my life without him.
But some things I need so much he lacks. I'm
twenty two. He's twenty eight. It'll be two years together

(01:22:02):
in May, and we live together and spent a lot
of time together. Should we maybe hang out with friends
over the weekends. Do we need him to miss me
or think about me to change something? Any advice please share?
I Love you guys amazing podcast every week. I think
to two years into relationship is a lot. I guess
you can kind of expect the flame to kind of
get smaller throughout that amount of time. I've never been

(01:22:22):
in a two year relationships, so I can't speak from experience,
but we've talked about love changes over time doesn't make
it worse or better. It's just, you know, it just changed.
Like it's not as lustful as it once was, it's
not as affectionate it does, but it sounds like he
never has been terribly affect and two years you know
who he is. Coming from someone who struggles in the
same way that sounds like her boyfriend does and showing
the affection and all that kind of stuff. I can
say that it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you

(01:22:44):
or like you or anything that it just is something
that maybe you needed more vocal about that he needs
to change and do better. But I will say, like,
for me personally, I am kind of like a very
uh affection is very big for me as well, because
I'm a very affectionate person, and so I think if
I wasn't receiving it, I would feel the same way
you're feeling right now. And so you have to just
kind of like keep talking to him about it because
it's gonna be a very big point in your relationship,

(01:23:05):
and it's obviously something that's bothering you very much, and
moving forward, it's going to continue bothering you unless you
guys talk about it more. And that's what relationships are.
It's compromised, it's sacrifice. And so if this guy loves
you as much as you might think he does, then
hopefully all he has to do, I feel like for
you is to say I'll work on it. I will
try to get better at it. I like this question
you asked at the end where you said, do I
need him to miss me or think about me to

(01:23:27):
change something? I think that she should make him miss her. Really,
I think that would be really playing games two years reship,
not even games, but just like maybe make yourself. Obviously
you live with him and you've dated for two years
and you're not gonna play games with your boyfriend in
two years, but just like make him, Um, how do
you do that without like make yourself less available in
those ways? And then he'll realize how much he misses

(01:23:49):
your affection and your communicative style on a daily basis.
I think, Yeah, I mean I agree with that, but
I think there's like a way to do it rather
than like playing games and just kind of doing it
making him miss you. Like I wasn't saying play games, Amanda, Well,
but kind of sounds like that, right, if you're going
to make him miss you. So this is my thing
with I think that maybe he's gotten so used to
her style of communication where he he thinks he's communicating

(01:24:10):
to her through the way that she over communicates to him,
and so when she scales that back a little bit,
then he'll realize that there's a piece of their relationship
that's missing because she's not being as vocal as she
normally is, which means that he would hopefully up his communication.
Well you would, you would hope that, right if if
something was lacking, that he would step up to the plate.
And like, that's what I'm saying to try. I mean,
you don't need to. It's a matter of being busy

(01:24:31):
in terms of your life socially may professionally, and so
you're not as available to him. I think that's what
you're saying. Man, could you put yourself in her shoes? Yeah, So,
I mean I feel like I've been in a situation
like that before, so I can relate. But I think
what I would do is probably like communicate with him
or you're feeling and say, like, you know, I feel
like you don't show me enough affection and I need
more of that from you. So I'm gonna give you

(01:24:53):
a little bit more space. And I also think to
bounce off that point, of course, that like there is
something to be said about the sandwich effect. Start off
with something positively like I love you. I cannot picture
my life without you. I want this to work more
than anything. But I don't say but no, of course,
but it's the most destructive word in any relationship. Never
say but well, anyway you want to what I'm saying,

(01:25:14):
but but but it's I feel like it's far better
to start off with something positive and to make them
know that you want this to work and you want
them and they're the only person you want. But of
course there's things that I know I get it. Sure,
I'll work on it, but for right now, but I
canna get like a like a buzzer in here and
every time we say here, however, uh, you know, there's

(01:25:38):
just things that you know I need in a relationship
as well. And one of these things is just more
functioning like hopefully as a as a partner, as somebody,
as a very loving, hopefully committed relationship that he will say, yeah,
let's let's work on this. Like I'm not good at it,
and I will do my best, And I can't promise
that like overnight I'm going to become this most affectionate
and wonderful boyfriend that you're imagining. But it's something that

(01:25:59):
I work at you right in the middle of. But
we're gonna that's gonna be a common thing. I'm gonna
maybe get like a blowhorn or something every time we're
going through advice and we say the word but we
need to ring it an Every time I hear a
blow horn, all I can think about his jersey shore
the grenade wasn't um it's I guess, be honest with him.

(01:26:20):
Amanda had great advice because it was the same advice
that I gave. Just just give him space without telling him,
tell him like, hey, this is how I feel, so
I'm going to give you a little bit of space. Yeah.
I think that could scare him in a good way.
I think in a good way and make him realize
what he has in So this is the point. Maybe
if we put it into numbers, so if she's eighty
percent communication, he's she scales it back to sixty, then

(01:26:42):
there's gonna be a twenty void that needs to be
filled and you will be forced to come to that
extra if he here's the issue. What if he doesn't, Well,
he will. There's not even a question of what if
he's going to. I mean, I like your optimism, and
if he doesn't, then just continue to be the twenty
that you are and communicate how much you what you
need from it. But this is a guy think thinking.
How many husbands and dads don't talk about feelings, the

(01:27:04):
noncommunicative They just want to sit in the house and
watch TV or whatever they do. You know, they're this
is very common among guys to not express their feelings.
And I think part of that, I mean, I don't
know obviously, but I think part of that just comes
from maybe once it's it's just one person is doing
more than the other, and because of that, they think
they can skate along without having to do as much
as that other person, you know, of course, And I
also think guys become very defensive and uh and so

(01:27:27):
like it's all about your approach, where if you go
to this guy and you're like, you don't do this,
you don't do that, and then he might become defensive like, well,
you don't do this for me and you know that.
But I also think guys want to be providers, and
so I think if you approach him and say this
is what I need because I want you, but I
need more of this from you, then I think he
might be more willing to do it because it's providing
a service to you. And I think a lot of

(01:27:48):
guys want to be that man who's like, I am
I'm your provider, I'm here for you, rather than you know,
you approaching him being like you don't do this or
you don't do that. Instead of approaching him saying you
don't do this, approach, I'm saying this is what I
need a question for Amanda would you be okay with
um dating someone or being with someone that is more
interested in being like a stay at home father than
someone that's that's a good question. Um yeah, I mean

(01:28:12):
I don't think i'd bother me someone that want to
be a stay a home down. I think it's kind
of cute. Actually, Okay, yeah, that's curious. Um okay, well
that'll do it for I'll do it for episode seven
of Help I Suck at Dating Birthday. Thank you so
much for spending my birthday with me. This is great.
I know we're all kind of obligated to be here.

(01:28:33):
I'm not obligated to be here. I chose this, Okay. Um,
big thank you to Sherry Heally and she left her
email was at Sherry shari at healy dot com, Shari
at shari Heally dot com, Shari at shree heally dot com.
Like we said, if you have any questions for her,
please feel free to reach out. She's incredible. Um. Big
thank you to Jared of course Amanda for being here
as well. Always nice to have a lovely female's perspective.

(01:28:54):
I hope that we can make this more of a
common occurrence. Um. Mark Easton hasn't been chiming in quite
as much lately, but we appreciate you being here regardless.
Thank you, I appreciate that, and Erica for using your
teeth to tell us about the stories of your oral surgeon.
I fully expect that message to be sent by What's
Day Tuesday Thursday, UM, But most imporantly, thank you to
the listeners. Thank you all for spending my birthday with me.

(01:29:16):
I really appreciate it, and speak to shut Tune in
next week for help I Suck at Dating, because apparently
maybe we all might just be a little bit better.
People follow help I Suck At Dating with Dean Anglert
on I Heart Radio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.