July 26, 2024 • 22 mins
Ben and Ashley are back to help listeners with their (almost) expert advice!
Find out the pitfalls and the pluses of turning your passion into a career, how to set healthy boundaries at home, and we share step-by-step instructions on how to create chemistry through texting!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
One of our favorite segments in the Almost Famous podcast
is almost good Advice. We come to you with some
of your questions that you've written in to Ashley and myself.
We always get excited to answer the questions or just
work through them with you. We can't promise the best answers,
but we can have promised some almost good advice. The
first one comes from Corrn. It says this, I've been
working in the same job for over five years, and
(00:26):
while I appreciate this ability, I don't find it fulfilling anymore.
I dream of pursuing a career in graphic design, but
I'm terrified of leaving my current position and starting over.
How do I find the courage to make this leap
and turn my passion into a career.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
I wonder what she's doing currently, if it has anything
to do in the Grassip graphic design territory. I'm working
with sam job for five years. I think that how
to find the courage, Well, you know what can help
you a little bit is if you start working like
(01:05):
a little freelance somewhere in graphic design, whether you start
doing something on your own. That way, you have dipped
your toe into that pool. Maybe you're already making contacts.
You're just you know, you're getting a feel for the industry,
and then you can leave your job, because then you'd
(01:27):
feel a little bit just more secure in your decision.
You're making sure that it's something that you really do
feel a passion for and one end a field that
you think you could excel in.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Ashley, it's such good advice. Really, I was going to say,
the only thing I could speak of to this question
is my own experience. And so when I started Generous Coffee,
I was working a full time job in financial services.
What a lot of people don't know is I work
that job in financial services still two years after I
was the Bachelor.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Yeah, Like when we started the podcast, in the first
couple of months, I was like, Ben, you should probably
cut But it was exactly what you probably should have
done because you had the fallback.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Exactly. I had the fallback. I had the insurance, I
had the retirement, you know, I had the things that
were stable. And it wasn't until I felt like, hey,
I can take this risk. Now still risky, but at
least I am more set up to go on my
own and if that doesn't work in six months seven months,
then I will at least be able to find hopefully
(02:32):
a new job. And you know how many years in
and I haven't had to go back yet to Corporate America,
which I'm very thankful for. But actually i'd say part
of that, you know, part of the thing not mentioned here.
I think your advice is perfect. So I was kind
of moonlight starting Generous as I was working for the
financial services company and I was doing iHeart kind of
(02:55):
the three of them, and so I was doing this
podcast in the evenings or after work or during my
lunch break, and then I was work at home and
work on Generous and do you know, work pretty much
to the rest of the evening. There's things I had
to sacrifice during that season of life, right, A lot
of friends. I couldn't hang out with, a lot of
nights out, I couldn't do a lot of travel I
(03:16):
had to say no to because I was working really
hard to try to build this thing Generous that I
was really passionate about. So that is the downside, you
know you are, I think, Kinn. The best option here
is for you to probably put in more hours than
you've ever expected to build up this kind of freelance
(03:37):
graphic design portfolio that then you could feel more comfortable
going out on your own with or you at least
would have the experience and understand the terminology, understand what
people are looking for more, just in case you wanted
to apply for a job with another business in graphic
design specifically. And so I think there's a lot of
lessons learned that you could do when you freelance in
(03:59):
the evenings that would probably be very helpful for you
if you ever want to go into corporate American and
do it. And so that's how I would do it.
That's how you So you know, I don't know if
courage is exactly the right word here. I think it
does take courage to try anything on your own, and
I think it takes a lot of risk, but I
think there's some ways to alleviate the risk and also
make it so it isn't so stressful and it isn't
(04:19):
so anxiety driven. So maybe courage isn't necessarily the word
I would use. I would just say the fortitude to
take the step to try to work more hours, to
get some experience so that you're more likely to get
a job when you do apply.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, totally great advice, Ben.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
I think you said it first. I just said the
same thing you did, just in a different.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Way, but in a very much more articular.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Dale is up next. He says, I work long hours
at my job, and I often find myself bringing work home.
My personal life is suffering because of it, and I
feel guilty for wanting to take time for myself. How
can I set healthy boundaries between work and personal life
while still being seen as a committed employee.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Well, you go first on this one.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
There there's a few questions I would ask you. Do
you have a family?
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Yeah, because I was gonna say, I was like, this
is very simple. It's like your wife at home, as
she annoyed at this, do you have kids that you're
not playing with?
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Well, he doesn't bring up family within this whole conversation.
He just says personal life. And I feel like if
you had a family, now, a family's different, Dale. I
think if you have a family, you have to put
your stake in the ground. You have to leave work
as often as you can at work. Your family one
is about as interested in your work as there probably
is interested as anybody, but it's not that interesting to them.
(05:36):
They don't want to hear about your struggles. They don't
want to hear about all the things you have to
do now. They do probably want to sit with you
in some of your pains and frustrations at work and say, hey,
let me hear it. I want to know where you're
at in life. I want to hear more about your job.
But there's also a respect factor there where for the
next four hours of your evening that you get to
spend with your family and kids, they probably don't want
(05:58):
to just hear about how your job is so hard
or all the struggles. They also want you to stap
out of it at some point and just enjoy being home. Now.
If you're single, Dale, because that's what I'm assuming you are,
then I think there is this as you get older,
there is this process of learning how to leave work.
(06:19):
At work, you know, you have to start preparing for
this next step in your life. And if that is
a family, or if you know or if those are
building closer friendships. I'm not going to say it happens immediately.
I'm not even going to say it happens over the
next few years, but over time, you're going to have
to continue to find space. And if you're overworked, then
(06:40):
here's my advice for you. You have to bring it up
to your boss. As somebody that leads a team of
you know, twenty employees, I often don't know where they're
at mentally. I also don't know where they're at physically,
and so I never mind it. And I've never talked
to a good manager or a good ex executive who
(07:01):
does mind it. When they're employees in a respectful and
not a threatening way, say hey, I feel overworked. I
feel like my job is requiring more of me than
the time and hours I have in the day, and
as a result, my personal life is struggling because of it.
Is there anything we could do to try to assist
in this and allow your manager or the executive at
(07:23):
your business to respond, Let them try to problem solve. Really,
that's why they're there. You know they don't do We
don't as executives, don't do a lot more than manage
a team, make sure that our employees are happy, satisfied,
and at the right skill set for what we need,
while at the same time doing a small little problem
solving here and then. But We're really counting on you
to express to us what your needs are so that
(07:44):
you can be better for the business.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
And I was just going to add that if taking
homework is something that you don't mind, because somehow I
feel that a little bit from you and the little
that we know, why don't you just do it a
couple of days a week, Like you say, okay, well
I'll do that on Tuesday or Thursday or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
and then I'll make sure that I have my social
life on Thursday and Friday. Or you can say like
(08:08):
I'll bring home or I'll come home and work for
an hour or so on stuff, but then like at
a certain time, I'll close the computer.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
My final piece of advice, and this is more actionable
dale would be to get a mentor or a coach
to kind of lay all this out with you. There
are coaches for all levels of employees, and you could
lay out, Hey, here's the things on my on my
plate each day, here's the things I need to execute on.
(08:37):
Is there any things that you see I'm doing inefficiently
that you maybe have some advice on. Is there any
space for me to cut some stuff out that maybe
aren't necessary for the business. Is there some time that
you don't even realize dale you're just scrolling on Instagram
or serving the web and you don't even realize how
much time that's actually taking up to distract you from
the things that you need to get done so that
(08:59):
you can go home from work and kind of leave
your computer, leave that stuff at work. So maybe a coach,
like an actionable coach, could actually be helpful, or a
mentor just to sit down with you. Final story is
I had an employee two years ago come to me
and say they're working super hard and super long hours
and they're getting tired. And I said, Okay, here's how
you can help me in the next two weeks of
(09:20):
your work. I want you to write down all the
things you're doing, like when you get something done, if
it's emails. I did that for twenty minutes, and then
I work on a document for ten minutes. All these things,
write them out for me, and then so that I
can see what you're working on and I can help
cut those things out, or I can maybe hire somebody
new on to take over some of the responsibilities that
are kind of grouped in the same kind of focus
(09:41):
so that you don't have to worry about that anymore. So, Dale,
I think laying some of this stuff out, you know,
actually for you could be really helpful to cut some
things out of your work life so that you can
go home and be a better person to your friend's family,
whoever it is.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Sarah has our next question. She says, I've been using
dating apps for several months, but I keep encountering the
same issues. Either the chemistry isn't there or the conversations
fizzle out quickly. I'm starting to feel discouraged, and I
question if online dating is worth it. How can I
improve my chances of finding a meaningful connection or should
I consider other ways to meet people? Well, Sarah, what
(10:26):
I really want to know here is is the chemistry
not there via the chat the chat feature on the app?
Or is the chemistry not there in person? And it
says the conversations fizzle out quickly? Is that again in person?
Or is that through the chat feature? Because I am
(10:48):
one that's always been very bad at keeping a flirty,
romantic kind of like back and forth via text that
isn't going. What, however, you act via text message is
not a good demonstration of how the chemistry and conversation
(11:10):
will be in real life, you're gonna have to go
out with these people. But I know what sucks about
dating apps is that you feel like you need to
woo these people with the written word before you actually
get asked out. And so many I feel women, especially especially,
get really frustrated with dating apps because it seems like
(11:32):
sometimes a mechanism where guys just flirt via text and
they don't actually ask women out. So in the case
that it's just you feeling discouraged by not getting asked out,
you should kind of have a rule with yourself that
you go back and forth a few times. If the
guy doesn't initiate an actual in person date, then you
(11:55):
say forget him. Or or if you are the kind
of person that wants to be bold and you seem
very interested in this particular person you're talking to, you
can be the one that puts the plan out there
and if they don't, if they're not corrective about it,
then you then you say forget about it.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, I mean, I think Ashley is right. I would
just add into this too. Part of dating I think
is giving up our pride, and I think something helpful
here Sarah could be if you have a trusted friend,
like your best friend or your mom, or your sister
or whoever you like really trust to be vulnerable around
(12:34):
and to kind of lay your pride down around to
ask them to kind of look through some of these
conversations that you're having and see if maybe they're reading
it differently than how you mean to be saying it.
I had to do that a few years ago actually
with my text messages. I was texting thinking they're coming
off a certain way, you know, because I know what
(12:56):
I meant for them to say, kind of like emails,
sometimes it's hard to read the intent behind it email
or a text, and people were reading them and taking
them different than how I was like meaning them to
be taken, and as a result, there's a lot of
miscommunication going on.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
I have a friend that tells me all the time
that my texts are short and they don't and they
feel cold, Whereas I'm like, you know, I'm just I
just don't feel like like texting is just not the
kind of communication that well maybe they are very much
preferred to talk in person. Well they might be short,
they can be short, but I don't like overdo it.
With warmth.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
I'm just saying there could be a benefit here for
Sarah to have a next a new iy, a trusted
eye look at these conversations and say, yeah, right here,
it sounds like you're done with this conversation. So the
person stopped responding, but and she and Sarah's going, I
wasn't done yet, and they're going, But that's how it's
I'm reading it. That's how I'm seeing it, So be
you know, then you can start to get you know,
(13:51):
learn new skills in communication or things you shouldn't be saying,
or or things that you might be saying that are
kind of making the person that you're trying to flirt
with less interested that you could probably change and so
having a different eye on it could be helpful.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
That's my point, Ben, That is an awesome point.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
So it's just that's hard to do because it's hard
to go to a friend, family member, etc. And be like, hey,
by the way, I don't think i'm good at this.
Can you help me? However, I do think there's a
benefit in it, and I imagine there's people in your
life that would love to sit in that with you.
Final question Ashley is from Emily Emily says, I need
help balancing and managing expectations. I recently started dating someone
(14:31):
who I think has a lot of potential, but I
can't shake the feeling that I'm expecting too much too soon.
We've been on a few great dates, but I worry
that I might be projecting my ideal partner onto them.
How can I balance my expectations while still being open
to where this relationship might go.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
This one is for you, Ben, because I feel like
I'm the one who would always do this. Really, I
would definitely dream somebody up, like if I liked them
at the beginning, I would probably idealize them and like
I could fall in love in my head with with
just knowing a few traits.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Yeah. I think I've admitted on the podcast that I've oftentimes,
especially when I was younger, did this in friendships. I
felt closer to pe I thought we were. I was
closer to people than I think they thought we were,
and so I, you know, would lean on these friendships
or expect stuff out of these friendships that maybe they
weren't even realizing that they that we were that close.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
I feel like that's an only child thing. Then they
were leaning on people because you needed someone.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Yeah, I'm lonely, so lonely I think that. I think, honestly,
it's probably does come from that I always expected people
to like me. And when I felt, you know, for
the first time, which I wrote about my book Alone
and Plaints, I when I felt for the first time
that rejection or that I maybe didn't have the close
friends that I thought I had, then it was a
realization to me that, you know what, I needed to
(15:59):
maybe part take a little bit more in these friendships,
or put a little more into these friendships, or just
have different expectations for friendships. And so as I read
Emily's I kind of go back to my own experience
and say, I get it. This isn't something that is
abnormal to you, Emily, this is very common with a
lot of people. I think here, I think, here is
the only message I would send to you. I don't
(16:20):
actually think it's bad for you to have certain expectations
for certain people in your life. I do, though, think
it's bad when you hold too tightly to what an
ideal partner will look like or will function like. Because
here's the truth. We're all human, and so we have
good days and we have bad days. We say the
right same thing, sometimes we say the wrong thing. Sometimes
(16:41):
we match your enthusiasms. Sometimes we also fail at matching
your enthusiasms. Sometimes that's the human experience. And so I
think you need to do is not change your expectations,
but start to become more curious about what the who
the person actually is, because who the person is inside,
what they represent, what they care about, how they treat you,
(17:03):
how they care about you, how they care about progressing
this relationship is more important to me than this ideal
or this idea that you have in your head that
probably will never be satisfied. I think this is something
that's happened many times with many of people I know,
in myself included, is you build these ideals and then
as soon as one of those ideals isn't met, then
(17:24):
you see it as a red flag. Now it could
be a red flag, but is it just something that's
happening in their life, because maybe they're not feeling a
certain way, and you can start to become more curious
about what makes them function, what makes them go, what
they're looking for. That's the exciting part about relationships, and
is when you drop down your ideals and you start
to become more curious about the relationship.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Two things to add I think I used to do
this because I used to never crush on someone. L
I go on dates and just like, oh they like me.
I don't really like like, I just so rarely crushed
that when I did get the feeling, it was like,
oh my god, this is the most exhilarating thing in
the entire world. And then you do ignore those red flags. Then,
(18:11):
speaking of the red flags when they do come up,
if they do and you have doubts, don't push away
the doubts just because you already built up this dream
around this person. Because I used to do this too,
Like I would see these things or like feel like,
oh man, it's actually not like so dreamy, it's not
like that conversation or just like the vibes around him
(18:35):
in that day weren't as great as they like I
wanted them to be. That would leave and try to
convince myself that they were, because like I had already
built up this idea that he was like the perfect match, right, so,
and then like you don't even have like the brain
(18:55):
because like you're so into the idea of this person
being right for you. You kind of you know, you ignore
that for so long and then like, only when it's
over can you be like, Okay, well, I guess I
can admit to myself it wasn't perfect. Then. Just what
I'm saying is, if there are red flags, try not
(19:17):
to try not to ignore them. It's like you're not
feeling one hundred percent on something. Just be like, Okay,
it's just not a dream. It's not a dream situation.
Does that make sense? Some sense at all?
Speaker 2 (19:31):
A little bit.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
I guess I'm maybe thinking about like one one example
in my life too much.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I think this. Actually, I think you and I do
two different ways of processing. You process very quickly, usually
out loud, and it's kind of not a spiral, but
it's a little chaotic, but you always get to that.
It's you get to the solution like you, just like
you do you What you just said is kind of
how you process. It's like a thousand things going on,
(19:57):
and then all of a sudden you're like, and that's
that's the way it is, and then you're good and
it works and it works for you perfectly. I'm more
of a quiet processor, right. I let these thoughts wash
over me. I kind of think through them. I investigate them.
I don't say them out loud until I feel like, Okay,
I get it. I got it. Two different ways of
doing it, both right in their own respective ways.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
No, yours sounds your sounds so much better.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
No, I think mine sounds like you know, I just
let these things kind of come through me, And I
think a mix of the two are very helpful. Right
processing it out loud with friends or family, or even
if you just say it out loud to yourself, like
I know that sounds weird, Talk to yourself a bit,
say the things that you're thinking out loud, put words
to them, and just see how they sound to you,
(20:42):
even as you're listening to yourself talk, or maybe just
let these things process internally. Come to some conclusion on Hey, yeah,
that was weird that they did this. That felt off
to me, that made me unattracted to them for a
period of time. Why did it make it? Why was
I so thrown off by that? Is this something that
is a non negotiable to me? Is this a really
(21:03):
big deal to me? Or am I overreacting and I'm
looking for signs that you know are going to push
me away? Am I trying to get out of this thing?
And then the next question would be why are you
trying to get out of it? Are you not that
interested in it? Do you not want a relationship? Are
you not curious? Like all these things can start and
then you can start to get to a path and
(21:23):
being like, no, you know what, maybe I do want
a relationship, and maybe I'm not going to let this
thing push me away like I have so many other times,
because this isn't a non negotiable to me. I do
care about this person. Now I'm learning how to not
just forgive and forget, but I'm learning how to compromise
in a relationship. That's a big step.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Yeah, just don't put somebody on a pedestal until you
know them well enough and you accept that you know
them and not your dream version of them.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yeah, come on, nobody's going to match the dream.
Speaker 3 (21:54):
That was a better put. You did great, just said
it like that.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
And when you said it out loud, and then we
put this together, figured it out, it's all great. Uh.
That's another episode of almost good advice. Hopefully we shared
some almost good advice with all of you. Please continue
to write us in with any of your questions, concerns,
life moments, life questions. We're here to walk through them
with you, to process out loud, maybe for you, so
that we can be the voice or the put words
(22:19):
to the questions that you have. So until next time,
I've been Ben.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
I've been Ashley. See ya.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcasts on
iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts
This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
One of our favorite segments in the Almost Famous podcast
is almost good Advice. We come to you with some
of your questions that you've written in to Ashley and myself.
We always get excited to answer the questions or just
work through them with you. We can't promise the best answers,
but we can have promised some almost good advice. The
first one comes from Corrn. It says this, I've been
working in the same job for over five years, and
(00:26):
while I appreciate this ability, I don't find it fulfilling anymore.
I dream of pursuing a career in graphic design, but
I'm terrified of leaving my current position and starting over.
How do I find the courage to make this leap
and turn my passion into a career.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
I wonder what she's doing currently, if it has anything
to do in the Grassip graphic design territory. I'm working
with sam job for five years. I think that how
to find the courage, Well, you know what can help
you a little bit is if you start working like
(01:05):
a little freelance somewhere in graphic design, whether you start
doing something on your own. That way, you have dipped
your toe into that pool. Maybe you're already making contacts.
You're just you know, you're getting a feel for the industry,
and then you can leave your job, because then you'd
(01:27):
feel a little bit just more secure in your decision.
You're making sure that it's something that you really do
feel a passion for and one end a field that
you think you could excel in.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Ashley, it's such good advice. Really, I was going to say,
the only thing I could speak of to this question
is my own experience. And so when I started Generous Coffee,
I was working a full time job in financial services.
What a lot of people don't know is I work
that job in financial services still two years after I
was the Bachelor.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
Yeah, Like when we started the podcast, in the first
couple of months, I was like, Ben, you should probably
cut But it was exactly what you probably should have
done because you had the fallback.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Exactly. I had the fallback. I had the insurance, I
had the retirement, you know, I had the things that
were stable. And it wasn't until I felt like, hey,
I can take this risk. Now still risky, but at
least I am more set up to go on my
own and if that doesn't work in six months seven months,
then I will at least be able to find hopefully
(02:32):
a new job. And you know how many years in
and I haven't had to go back yet to Corporate America,
which I'm very thankful for. But actually i'd say part
of that, you know, part of the thing not mentioned here.
I think your advice is perfect. So I was kind
of moonlight starting Generous as I was working for the
financial services company and I was doing iHeart kind of
(02:55):
the three of them, and so I was doing this
podcast in the evenings or after work or during my
lunch break, and then I was work at home and
work on Generous and do you know, work pretty much
to the rest of the evening. There's things I had
to sacrifice during that season of life, right, A lot
of friends. I couldn't hang out with, a lot of
nights out, I couldn't do a lot of travel I
(03:16):
had to say no to because I was working really
hard to try to build this thing Generous that I
was really passionate about. So that is the downside, you
know you are, I think, Kinn. The best option here
is for you to probably put in more hours than
you've ever expected to build up this kind of freelance
(03:37):
graphic design portfolio that then you could feel more comfortable
going out on your own with or you at least
would have the experience and understand the terminology, understand what
people are looking for more, just in case you wanted
to apply for a job with another business in graphic
design specifically. And so I think there's a lot of
lessons learned that you could do when you freelance in
(03:59):
the evenings that would probably be very helpful for you
if you ever want to go into corporate American and
do it. And so that's how I would do it.
That's how you So you know, I don't know if
courage is exactly the right word here. I think it
does take courage to try anything on your own, and
I think it takes a lot of risk, but I
think there's some ways to alleviate the risk and also
make it so it isn't so stressful and it isn't
(04:19):
so anxiety driven. So maybe courage isn't necessarily the word
I would use. I would just say the fortitude to
take the step to try to work more hours, to
get some experience so that you're more likely to get
a job when you do apply.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, totally great advice, Ben.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
I think you said it first. I just said the
same thing you did, just in a different.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Way, but in a very much more articular.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Dale is up next. He says, I work long hours
at my job, and I often find myself bringing work home.
My personal life is suffering because of it, and I
feel guilty for wanting to take time for myself. How
can I set healthy boundaries between work and personal life
while still being seen as a committed employee.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Well, you go first on this one.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
There there's a few questions I would ask you. Do
you have a family?
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Yeah, because I was gonna say, I was like, this
is very simple. It's like your wife at home, as
she annoyed at this, do you have kids that you're
not playing with?
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Well, he doesn't bring up family within this whole conversation.
He just says personal life. And I feel like if
you had a family, now, a family's different, Dale. I
think if you have a family, you have to put
your stake in the ground. You have to leave work
as often as you can at work. Your family one
is about as interested in your work as there probably
is interested as anybody, but it's not that interesting to them.
(05:36):
They don't want to hear about your struggles. They don't
want to hear about all the things you have to
do now. They do probably want to sit with you
in some of your pains and frustrations at work and say, hey,
let me hear it. I want to know where you're
at in life. I want to hear more about your job.
But there's also a respect factor there where for the
next four hours of your evening that you get to
spend with your family and kids, they probably don't want
(05:58):
to just hear about how your job is so hard
or all the struggles. They also want you to stap
out of it at some point and just enjoy being home. Now.
If you're single, Dale, because that's what I'm assuming you are,
then I think there is this as you get older,
there is this process of learning how to leave work.
(06:19):
At work, you know, you have to start preparing for
this next step in your life. And if that is
a family, or if you know or if those are
building closer friendships. I'm not going to say it happens immediately.
I'm not even going to say it happens over the
next few years, but over time, you're going to have
to continue to find space. And if you're overworked, then
(06:40):
here's my advice for you. You have to bring it up
to your boss. As somebody that leads a team of
you know, twenty employees, I often don't know where they're
at mentally. I also don't know where they're at physically,
and so I never mind it. And I've never talked
to a good manager or a good ex executive who
(07:01):
does mind it. When they're employees in a respectful and
not a threatening way, say hey, I feel overworked. I
feel like my job is requiring more of me than
the time and hours I have in the day, and
as a result, my personal life is struggling because of it.
Is there anything we could do to try to assist
in this and allow your manager or the executive at
(07:23):
your business to respond, Let them try to problem solve. Really,
that's why they're there. You know they don't do We
don't as executives, don't do a lot more than manage
a team, make sure that our employees are happy, satisfied,
and at the right skill set for what we need,
while at the same time doing a small little problem
solving here and then. But We're really counting on you
to express to us what your needs are so that
(07:44):
you can be better for the business.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
And I was just going to add that if taking
homework is something that you don't mind, because somehow I
feel that a little bit from you and the little
that we know, why don't you just do it a
couple of days a week, Like you say, okay, well
I'll do that on Tuesday or Thursday or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
and then I'll make sure that I have my social
life on Thursday and Friday. Or you can say like
(08:08):
I'll bring home or I'll come home and work for
an hour or so on stuff, but then like at
a certain time, I'll close the computer.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
My final piece of advice, and this is more actionable
dale would be to get a mentor or a coach
to kind of lay all this out with you. There
are coaches for all levels of employees, and you could
lay out, Hey, here's the things on my on my
plate each day, here's the things I need to execute on.
(08:37):
Is there any things that you see I'm doing inefficiently
that you maybe have some advice on. Is there any
space for me to cut some stuff out that maybe
aren't necessary for the business. Is there some time that
you don't even realize dale you're just scrolling on Instagram
or serving the web and you don't even realize how
much time that's actually taking up to distract you from
the things that you need to get done so that
(08:59):
you can go home from work and kind of leave
your computer, leave that stuff at work. So maybe a coach,
like an actionable coach, could actually be helpful, or a
mentor just to sit down with you. Final story is
I had an employee two years ago come to me
and say they're working super hard and super long hours
and they're getting tired. And I said, Okay, here's how
you can help me in the next two weeks of
(09:20):
your work. I want you to write down all the
things you're doing, like when you get something done, if
it's emails. I did that for twenty minutes, and then
I work on a document for ten minutes. All these things,
write them out for me, and then so that I
can see what you're working on and I can help
cut those things out, or I can maybe hire somebody
new on to take over some of the responsibilities that
are kind of grouped in the same kind of focus
(09:41):
so that you don't have to worry about that anymore. So, Dale,
I think laying some of this stuff out, you know,
actually for you could be really helpful to cut some
things out of your work life so that you can
go home and be a better person to your friend's family,
whoever it is.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Sarah has our next question. She says, I've been using
dating apps for several months, but I keep encountering the
same issues. Either the chemistry isn't there or the conversations
fizzle out quickly. I'm starting to feel discouraged, and I
question if online dating is worth it. How can I
improve my chances of finding a meaningful connection or should
I consider other ways to meet people? Well, Sarah, what
(10:26):
I really want to know here is is the chemistry
not there via the chat the chat feature on the app?
Or is the chemistry not there in person? And it
says the conversations fizzle out quickly? Is that again in person?
Or is that through the chat feature? Because I am
(10:48):
one that's always been very bad at keeping a flirty,
romantic kind of like back and forth via text that
isn't going. What, however, you act via text message is
not a good demonstration of how the chemistry and conversation
(11:10):
will be in real life, you're gonna have to go
out with these people. But I know what sucks about
dating apps is that you feel like you need to
woo these people with the written word before you actually
get asked out. And so many I feel women, especially especially,
get really frustrated with dating apps because it seems like
(11:32):
sometimes a mechanism where guys just flirt via text and
they don't actually ask women out. So in the case
that it's just you feeling discouraged by not getting asked out,
you should kind of have a rule with yourself that
you go back and forth a few times. If the
guy doesn't initiate an actual in person date, then you
(11:55):
say forget him. Or or if you are the kind
of person that wants to be bold and you seem
very interested in this particular person you're talking to, you
can be the one that puts the plan out there
and if they don't, if they're not corrective about it,
then you then you say forget about it.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, I mean, I think Ashley is right. I would
just add into this too. Part of dating I think
is giving up our pride, and I think something helpful
here Sarah could be if you have a trusted friend,
like your best friend or your mom, or your sister
or whoever you like really trust to be vulnerable around
(12:34):
and to kind of lay your pride down around to
ask them to kind of look through some of these
conversations that you're having and see if maybe they're reading
it differently than how you mean to be saying it.
I had to do that a few years ago actually
with my text messages. I was texting thinking they're coming
off a certain way, you know, because I know what
(12:56):
I meant for them to say, kind of like emails,
sometimes it's hard to read the intent behind it email
or a text, and people were reading them and taking
them different than how I was like meaning them to
be taken, and as a result, there's a lot of
miscommunication going on.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
I have a friend that tells me all the time
that my texts are short and they don't and they
feel cold, Whereas I'm like, you know, I'm just I
just don't feel like like texting is just not the
kind of communication that well maybe they are very much
preferred to talk in person. Well they might be short,
they can be short, but I don't like overdo it.
With warmth.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
I'm just saying there could be a benefit here for
Sarah to have a next a new iy, a trusted
eye look at these conversations and say, yeah, right here,
it sounds like you're done with this conversation. So the
person stopped responding, but and she and Sarah's going, I
wasn't done yet, and they're going, But that's how it's
I'm reading it. That's how I'm seeing it, So be
you know, then you can start to get you know,
(13:51):
learn new skills in communication or things you shouldn't be saying,
or or things that you might be saying that are
kind of making the person that you're trying to flirt
with less interested that you could probably change and so
having a different eye on it could be helpful.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
That's my point, Ben, That is an awesome point.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
So it's just that's hard to do because it's hard
to go to a friend, family member, etc. And be like, hey,
by the way, I don't think i'm good at this.
Can you help me? However, I do think there's a
benefit in it, and I imagine there's people in your
life that would love to sit in that with you.
Final question Ashley is from Emily Emily says, I need
help balancing and managing expectations. I recently started dating someone
(14:31):
who I think has a lot of potential, but I
can't shake the feeling that I'm expecting too much too soon.
We've been on a few great dates, but I worry
that I might be projecting my ideal partner onto them.
How can I balance my expectations while still being open
to where this relationship might go.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
This one is for you, Ben, because I feel like
I'm the one who would always do this. Really, I
would definitely dream somebody up, like if I liked them
at the beginning, I would probably idealize them and like
I could fall in love in my head with with
just knowing a few traits.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Yeah. I think I've admitted on the podcast that I've oftentimes,
especially when I was younger, did this in friendships. I
felt closer to pe I thought we were. I was
closer to people than I think they thought we were,
and so I, you know, would lean on these friendships
or expect stuff out of these friendships that maybe they
weren't even realizing that they that we were that close.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
I feel like that's an only child thing. Then they
were leaning on people because you needed someone.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Yeah, I'm lonely, so lonely I think that. I think, honestly,
it's probably does come from that I always expected people
to like me. And when I felt, you know, for
the first time, which I wrote about my book Alone
and Plaints, I when I felt for the first time
that rejection or that I maybe didn't have the close
friends that I thought I had, then it was a
realization to me that, you know what, I needed to
(15:59):
maybe part take a little bit more in these friendships,
or put a little more into these friendships, or just
have different expectations for friendships. And so as I read
Emily's I kind of go back to my own experience
and say, I get it. This isn't something that is
abnormal to you, Emily, this is very common with a
lot of people. I think here, I think, here is
the only message I would send to you. I don't
(16:20):
actually think it's bad for you to have certain expectations
for certain people in your life. I do, though, think
it's bad when you hold too tightly to what an
ideal partner will look like or will function like. Because
here's the truth. We're all human, and so we have
good days and we have bad days. We say the
right same thing, sometimes we say the wrong thing. Sometimes
(16:41):
we match your enthusiasms. Sometimes we also fail at matching
your enthusiasms. Sometimes that's the human experience. And so I
think you need to do is not change your expectations,
but start to become more curious about what the who
the person actually is, because who the person is inside,
what they represent, what they care about, how they treat you,
(17:03):
how they care about you, how they care about progressing
this relationship is more important to me than this ideal
or this idea that you have in your head that
probably will never be satisfied. I think this is something
that's happened many times with many of people I know,
in myself included, is you build these ideals and then
as soon as one of those ideals isn't met, then
(17:24):
you see it as a red flag. Now it could
be a red flag, but is it just something that's
happening in their life, because maybe they're not feeling a
certain way, and you can start to become more curious
about what makes them function, what makes them go, what
they're looking for. That's the exciting part about relationships, and
is when you drop down your ideals and you start
to become more curious about the relationship.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Two things to add I think I used to do
this because I used to never crush on someone. L
I go on dates and just like, oh they like me.
I don't really like like, I just so rarely crushed
that when I did get the feeling, it was like,
oh my god, this is the most exhilarating thing in
the entire world. And then you do ignore those red flags. Then,
(18:11):
speaking of the red flags when they do come up,
if they do and you have doubts, don't push away
the doubts just because you already built up this dream
around this person. Because I used to do this too,
Like I would see these things or like feel like,
oh man, it's actually not like so dreamy, it's not
like that conversation or just like the vibes around him
(18:35):
in that day weren't as great as they like I
wanted them to be. That would leave and try to
convince myself that they were, because like I had already
built up this idea that he was like the perfect match, right, so,
and then like you don't even have like the brain
(18:55):
because like you're so into the idea of this person
being right for you. You kind of you know, you ignore
that for so long and then like, only when it's
over can you be like, Okay, well, I guess I
can admit to myself it wasn't perfect. Then. Just what
I'm saying is, if there are red flags, try not
(19:17):
to try not to ignore them. It's like you're not
feeling one hundred percent on something. Just be like, Okay,
it's just not a dream. It's not a dream situation.
Does that make sense? Some sense at all?
Speaker 2 (19:31):
A little bit.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
I guess I'm maybe thinking about like one one example
in my life too much.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I think this. Actually, I think you and I do
two different ways of processing. You process very quickly, usually
out loud, and it's kind of not a spiral, but
it's a little chaotic, but you always get to that.
It's you get to the solution like you, just like
you do you What you just said is kind of
how you process. It's like a thousand things going on,
(19:57):
and then all of a sudden you're like, and that's
that's the way it is, and then you're good and
it works and it works for you perfectly. I'm more
of a quiet processor, right. I let these thoughts wash
over me. I kind of think through them. I investigate them.
I don't say them out loud until I feel like, Okay,
I get it. I got it. Two different ways of
doing it, both right in their own respective ways.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
No, yours sounds your sounds so much better.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
No, I think mine sounds like you know, I just
let these things kind of come through me, And I
think a mix of the two are very helpful. Right
processing it out loud with friends or family, or even
if you just say it out loud to yourself, like
I know that sounds weird, Talk to yourself a bit,
say the things that you're thinking out loud, put words
to them, and just see how they sound to you,
(20:42):
even as you're listening to yourself talk, or maybe just
let these things process internally. Come to some conclusion on Hey, yeah,
that was weird that they did this. That felt off
to me, that made me unattracted to them for a
period of time. Why did it make it? Why was
I so thrown off by that? Is this something that
is a non negotiable to me? Is this a really
(21:03):
big deal to me? Or am I overreacting and I'm
looking for signs that you know are going to push
me away? Am I trying to get out of this thing?
And then the next question would be why are you
trying to get out of it? Are you not that
interested in it? Do you not want a relationship? Are
you not curious? Like all these things can start and
then you can start to get to a path and
(21:23):
being like, no, you know what, maybe I do want
a relationship, and maybe I'm not going to let this
thing push me away like I have so many other times,
because this isn't a non negotiable to me. I do
care about this person. Now I'm learning how to not
just forgive and forget, but I'm learning how to compromise
in a relationship. That's a big step.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Yeah, just don't put somebody on a pedestal until you
know them well enough and you accept that you know
them and not your dream version of them.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yeah, come on, nobody's going to match the dream.
Speaker 3 (21:54):
That was a better put. You did great, just said
it like that.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
And when you said it out loud, and then we
put this together, figured it out, it's all great. Uh.
That's another episode of almost good advice. Hopefully we shared
some almost good advice with all of you. Please continue
to write us in with any of your questions, concerns,
life moments, life questions. We're here to walk through them
with you, to process out loud, maybe for you, so
that we can be the voice or the put words
(22:19):
to the questions that you have. So until next time,
I've been Ben.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
I've been Ashley. See ya.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
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