May 13, 2025 • 29 mins
Have you ever had a friendship end without any real explanation?
This week on A Really Good Cry, I’m opening up about one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn as an adult: not every friendship is meant to last, and sometimes, you won’t get a reason why. I’ll share the story of a connection that felt full of potential, only to end without explanation. It left me feeling confused, a bit heartbroken, and honestly, kind of spiraling for a while.
More than just a story of rejection, this episode is about what it taught me—about communication, grace, and how much energy we give to people who’ve already let go. I’ll also walk through the tools and mindset shifts that helped me move forward, and the surprising ways I’ve found deeper, more aligned friendships since.
If you’ve ever felt confused, hurt, or quietly heartbroken over a friendship that faded too fast, this one’s for you. You’re not alone—and you’re not the only one still trying to understand.
What We Discuss:
- 00:00 Introduction
- 00:46 Friendship rejection
- 09:37 How I learned to prioritize the right people
- 10:59 Why making friends as an adult is so hard
- 12:53 Friendship is Just like dating
- 14:01 Why you should always give people a second chance
- 16:37 Figure out the key qualities you want in a friend
- 18:20 Find friends in the most unexpected places
- 22:01 Don’t wait for a friendship to happen
- 24:23 How to meet friends in the real world
- 25:52 The joy of connecting friends from different circles
- 27:05 Why noticing your flaws can save friendships
- 29:24 How to be more present with your friends
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area,
you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You
don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why,
you don't need to do a deep dive. The more
energy that you put into something that feels negative in
your life, the more negativity is coming into your life.
And if that person doesn't want you in their life,
that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't
(00:21):
mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean
that your energies do not match, and that is so fine.
I'm Raley w Kia and on my podcast A Really
Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode
(00:44):
of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell
you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story
because it's actually been something that I found really difficult
to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons,
but my main reason for sharing the story is because
I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often,
(01:05):
and we end up seeing people with.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
These beautiful friendships online.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
You see people together, and to be honest, I have
some really great friendships in my life that I am
so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples
of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to
let you guys in on the times I've been epically
rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me
within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways
(01:31):
that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because
I learned a lesson to throw it about things I
needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in
rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that
is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason,
even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people
(01:52):
just do not want to be your friend, and that
is the harsh reality.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
But we get back up and we try again.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
So I'm gonna really summarized this very long story, but
essentially I met this girl and she was lovely. Lots
of people would tell us that we would really get along,
and so I was like, oh, this is going to
be an exciting new friendship. Anyway, we kind of had
an online friendship for a while before we actually met
in person, and honestly, that online friendship seemed nice and supportive.
(02:23):
We ended up finally going to I think it was
like an event or something that we were meant to
be going to. And before that we scheduled to meet
up and have a really nice dinner. And honestly, when
I went there, we had such a great time. We
got along really well. I felt like we had a
good conversation. You know, I felt like it was going
to be a friendship for a long time. I think
she had just launched something or something big had happened
(02:45):
in her life, and I took her a little gift
to say congratulations, and you know, it felt like a
friendship worth investing in. I think that we had consistently
been messaging each other. I can't remember what about, but
you know, just the Hayes highs and trying to schedule.
Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if we'd gone back and
forth about a date, and then I kind of forget
(03:06):
to respond. That's something that I'm really working on and
have worked on a lot. After reflecting on this story,
like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating, but at the
same time, when it's a new friendship, we kind of
give people grace, right You're like, Okay, they probably do
have other things going on. And I felt the same
with her. You know, she would come here, we wouldn't
necessarily get to meet each other. But I was like, dirt,
Obviously she's not going to prioritize me. We're not that close.
(03:27):
But still I wanted to continue and try and build
a friendship. And then I was like reaching out to
all my friends and people that I wanted to send
my book to and I was so excited and I
was like, I'd love to send you my book and
she was like, no, no, I'll I'll buy it. And
I was like, oh, that's so sweet, but I would
love to send it to you because I actually have
a gift that's going out to some of my friends
with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe I've done something wrong,
(03:48):
maybe something's happened.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I in writed it to a few things. She said no,
and then.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about
knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional,
and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's
misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment.
We don't have to be good friends, but I just
want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and
that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I
see you and I wish you well. You see me
(04:14):
and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me
being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like,
this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I
want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because
I would feel terrible if.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
That's what you think.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
And I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way,
like would love to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
So anyway.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
She then ends up messaging me back, I think like
six days later or something, being like, oh no, it
wasn't about you. If you want to send me the book,
then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries.
And I then felt like you know when you just
feel like the energy is not right between you, like
something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So
then I end up reaching out again, like I think
(04:54):
a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd
love to just sit down and chat and just catch
up and and hope.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
You're well blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Basically, I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh,
this is a bit weird because I saw that she
was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker,
I know, but this is something I'm working on. And
then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I
then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you
unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you.
But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me,
but then also I no longer follow her, so like
(05:24):
maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows
both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay,
and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done
something to fully offend her. So then I reached out
to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't
know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like,
have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I
have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't
(05:44):
think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just
trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in
her life, and I was like, what have I done
for her to not want me in my life?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Anyway?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything.
I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted
was to just have a comversation, just to make sure
that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I
also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe
I gave off the energy that I didn't want to
be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I
was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and
it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and
(06:16):
at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone
go to such an extreme measure with something that I
felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things
can be small to you but then also big to
the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected,
Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation,
doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want
to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay,
(06:37):
you need to stop because this is getting a little
bit crazy and you need to ease off.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
You need to like you need to be okay. If
someone doesn't like you, they just don't like you.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
And I realized that I had struggled with that throughout
my life, and it was a really good lesson for
me to remind myself that I really have to work
on that practice that rejection, whether it's in friendship and
work in any area, you have to remin but that
sometimes it's just okay. You don't need an explanation, you
don't need to find out why, you don't need to
do a deep dive. The more energy that you put
(07:08):
into something that feels negative in your life, the more
negativity is coming into your life. And if that person
doesn't want you in their life, that is okay. Doesn't
mean that that person is terrible, doesn't mean that you've
done anything wrong. It may just mean that your energies
do not match. And that is so fine someone to
tell that story, because I'm sure, in some rendition or
some way in your life, you've been through a situation
where you don't know why someone has stopped being your
(07:30):
friend or why that person doesn't want to be a friend.
No matter how much effort you put in the problem,
that we most of us go through is that we
focus on the people or the things that actually give
us the least amount of attention, and then we don't
focus on the people or the things that actually provide
us with so much joy and actually give us so
much love and attention in our life. It also taught
me lessons that I have recently worked on when it
(07:51):
comes to communication and friendship.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And so what I wanted to do.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
I want to go through some of the things that
I've learned that have actually allowed me to make some
of the best friends that I've ever had in my life.
But also I shared that story so that you understood
that also rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself
out there is not an easy is not an easy journey,
but it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends,
and they've come in some of the most beautiful ways.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
And you know, I've had to.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Reset completely in my life in so many different phases
of my life, whether it was moving to New York
City where I literally knew nobody, and then I moved
from New York to la where I literally didn't know
anybody either, or within the space of a couple of years,
so I actually had to reset completely each time. I
have to find new friends and then also make time
to invest in the friends that I already had back
in London. And for anybody that struggles with making friends,
(08:39):
you know, when we were younger, we were put in
a lot of situations where a lot of our friendships
were situational. So whether it's school or whether it's college,
we're kind of forced into these environments where making friends
is a big part of why we are there. And
so as we become adults, we're put into less situations
like that. When you're a child, you make friends on
in the playground or activities after school, or sports teams
(09:03):
or like me, playing violin, or you go to your
swim classes afterwards, and you create different friends because of
the activities that you do. Your parents facilitate that for you,
and friendships doing childhood are also so much simpler most
of the time because we don't have the baggage or
the complexities of adult life or responsibilities or expectations that
we've built over the things that we've been through in
our life. And so I remember going through these phases
(09:25):
of my life where I was like, oh, the more
friends I have, the better.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
I need to pile them up.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And then I went through phases where I'd been burned
and I had my walls up, and I was like, oh,
I only need a few good friends in my life.
And I actually realized now that both the narratives for
me were wrong. One thing I do know is that
connection and community can completely make or break you. I
have so many friends who, when I moved to LA
would tell me just how much they disliked LA because
they had not built a community or made good friends.
(09:53):
Then as soon as they found their people or their community,
they completely shifted their mood and loved LA again. They
felt like they had found their place. And I always
say this, I'm like, you can go anywhere in the world,
and if you find community and if you find good friendship,
it can feel like home. If you don't find that,
it will not feel like home. And that's why LA
for me, was such a beautiful space, because I really
(10:14):
cultivated so many friendships here that it began to feel
like family. It began to feel like we had a
community around us. You know, community is what we're built for.
We literally as humans are built to live together, to
be together. And I think lack of community is a
big part of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually,
if I think about it, I've made some of my
closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a
(10:34):
fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating.
I will say that because it takes a lot of investment.
You also have to start going out on dates. You
have to feel it out. You have to see if
you like the person, you like their qualities, you like
what they do, how you like spending time with them.
And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we
first moved to New York, j You would keep trying
to set me up with every single girl that he
(10:55):
possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you,
guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these
gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But
at the same time, I was like, listen, I need
to do this by myself. I do not need you
to be responsible for my friend life.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
And I get it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh,
that person may not be really nice, or they already
have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah,
blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling
yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to
tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't
end up even trying to make friends. And you have
to think in your mind, do I want friends or
do I not? And so you can keep building this
(11:30):
narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out
there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and
space into a friendship, you can't.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Expect it to grow and look.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships, and
I found some really solid ones. So I thought I'd
just share some of my reflections and hope that it
helps you to create your community too. So my first
piece of advice is do not shut people off too fast.
Give people a second chance. I learned that from the
situation I told you about at the beginning of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I've learned that through my.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Own fault that I've made in friendships before, where I
met someone once and I judge them based on that
one interaction, and then I'm like, wait, I meet them
again in a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe
they're in a different mood, and I really like them
as a person, and I then want to spend time
with them.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
So I really think you have to.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Give people more than one chance in your friend's circle,
Like would you not want someone to give you more
than one chance? And if you would, then why would
you not do that for somebody else. I recently had
a guest on that was talking about dating, and she said,
ideally you should do a minimum of two dates to
actually make an informed decision. And I think that's true,
whether it's a relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays
(12:37):
we just ghosts and cut people off so fast, like
no explanation, no conversation, no chance given, and we just
cut them off because we're like, oh, you know what,
We'll find someone else. But I think having a wide
group of friends and friends for different things is actually
a really integral part of having a community.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You don't have to be best friends with everyone, and
that's the mistake we make.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
We're like, but I don't feel like that person's my
best friend, and I don't feel like I can tell
everything where you don't have to. I have friends who
I work out with or play sports with. I have
friends who are my FOODI friends who I know, I
can go to fund exciting food adventures with or send
them some fun recipes that I can't wait to make.
I have my spiritual group of friends that I connect
with on practices and fundamental values. I have friends that
(13:17):
I know I have a good night out with, and
then I have couple friends that me and Jay hang
out with together. They don't all meet all my needs,
and that's not what friends are supposed to do. I
think the point is you find different friends, and you
find the one thing or the two things that you
enjoy doing or that you love about them, and then
you work off that every single person has flaws, every
single person is working on something, every single person has weeds.
(13:39):
We cannot expect the people that we meet to be
perfect because we, down well are not perfect, and so
you can't expect perfection from other people. So now when
I meet someone, I think about how do I enjoy
spending time with them most. Maybe I don't love sitting
with them one on one, but that doesn't mean I
don't like them. It just means maybe we connect better
in another way. So on in write them out to
a workout or with an other group setting. And of
(14:01):
course you have to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy
you or bore you because at the end of the day,
you are investing time and energy and you're fitting them
into your life and into your circle. But if they
have the basic qualities that you like in a person,
then why take away a potential friend from your life?
And on that note, I guess my second piece of
advice would be figure out what your basic values or
(14:22):
qualities are that you like in a friend. I realize
in my life because I have my sister or my mom,
I don't really need a friend to confide in or
help me through my hard times because Jay and then
my family are those crutches for me. They're the people
that I turn to. But living away from my family,
I do appreciate friends that I can do family style
things with, like hang out and play games or have
dinners together, or be able to call and rely on
(14:44):
if my car broke down or if I need a
last minute favor, and I would want to be there
for them in that way too. I also have quickly
learned how to identify when people start displaying certain qualities
that are deal breakers for me, like the things that
I fundamentally know I do not appreciate friends anymore. And
also there were things that I used to do when
I was in dark times in my life, and so
(15:05):
I've noticed that when people do do these things, it
involves being in a dark space in your own life.
One of those fundamental things and non negotiables for me
is if someone is talking behind someone else's back for
absolutely no reason, because you know what, if they're sharing
something about someone else with you, especially when your friendship
is new, then it's more than likely that they're saying
(15:26):
something about you to somebody else, and especially if it's
not relevant to your life, like if it is just
pure gossip where you're being told information about somebody else's
life and it has nothing to do with you, that
to me is not a sign of a good friend.
And you know, I've noticed and I think I used
to do this when I was younger, where you end
up telling people information because you think it brings you closer,
(15:46):
Like I'll tell you something about this person. You tell
me something about this person, and we're kind of bonding
over this secret. But you don't need to have secrets
to be friends, Like you can just have great energy together,
you can have fun together. You don't need to have
secrets between you to actually be good friends. So figure
out and reflect on your past friendships and what would
the deal breakers for you. Next up, I would say,
(16:07):
be okay with finding friends in the most unexpected places.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
I have met some of my closest friends in the
most random ways, the most bizarre ways. Whether it was
the lift in my building, whether it was that random
events and I've invinted them to my house, whether I
was cooking for the fires and I reached out to
a girl that I'd never met who has now become
one of my best friends. Whether it is me getting
slapped when I was a teenager and through that slap
(16:33):
I found one of my best friends. I know you
want to hear this story, so I'm going to go
into it. I think I was probably definitely younger than sixteen.
I think I was maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to
this event. This ridiculous girl, who had obviously nothing better
to do, had told this rowdy friend of hers that
I'd said something about her. I literally did not even
know who she was.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I go up to them.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
They're standing in a group thinking that they're all bad,
as you do when you're a fifteen year old girl
with all your girl group friends. They were like, you know,
the popular girls. And this girl just says, did you
say something about me? And I was like no, and
she just slaps me around the face in front of
all of them. The girl that told her was laughing.
Everyone was like having a good old time. I obviously
ran off crying because what the hell. I then ended
(17:15):
up telling one of my friends that I went to
school with and I had become really good friends with
her boyfriend who went to another school. He then is like, listen,
I'm going to sort this out for you. No one
does that to you. He adds me into yes an
MSN conversation with one of his best friends and me,
and he's like, listen, she's going to sort this out
for you. Don't even worry about it. This girl, when
(17:37):
I tell you, she is still one of my bestest friends.
We've been friends for over fifteen years. She is my
ride or die, and this instance or this situation will
like show how bad she is. Like she is and
I mean bad in a good way. Like she had
a presence. You know, people were also a little bit
scared of her back then, which, by the way, obviously
I seem to have needed.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
She adds.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl who
slept me and her intal conversation, and she says, you
have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend. Bearing
in mind she didn't even know me or else. This
girl is apologizing to me. And funnily enough, I ended
up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me to
don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends with
this girl then ended up sticking up for me in
(18:19):
a situation where I didn't feel like I could stick
up for myself. She is now still one of my
best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need to
talk to someone about anything, she is that person. She's
non judgmental, she has backed me up throughout my whole life,
and we have got into some serious trouble together. But
we met because I got slapped in another space. I
actually ended up coming to stay in the UK for
(18:41):
like five months of my life during the pandemic, so
not long ago, and I was working on my cookbook
at the time, and so I ended up moving into
an apartment building and I thought I would only be
there for a short period of time. I wanted to
test recipes, and I did not want to mess up
my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided to
work from that space, and I decided I did to
start these games nights with some of my friends in
(19:02):
the common area. I then ended up meeting random girls
in the gym, random people in the common areas, random
people in lifts, and I started inviting them to these
games nights. It ended up being like three of us
to ten of us to fifteen of us and going
on week after week after week. And it was when
people would introduce themselves or say, how do you know Raley,
they'd be like, well, we met her in the lift
or we met her in the gym. And so I
(19:22):
actually really enjoyed building community and helping other people find it.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
And the amount of people within these different.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Areas that have told me they were really sad and
that they were trying to make friends and they didn't
know how to, or they actually found friendship within those
groups during the time that they really needed it. It
made me realize so many people are lonely and we
don't even know, we don't even realize it. That brings
me on to making the first move. Okay, put yourself
out there and do not wait for someone to give
(19:50):
you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting at
home for somebody to come and be your best friend
without putting in any effort, without putting in the first step,
without planning, you've got a lot coming. You are looking
for someone to treat like a princess, and that's not
what friendship is about. So stop planning those dates. Once
you find someone that you like, start writing them to things.
I'm not all in person, okay, if I find someone
(20:11):
that I like like Recently, I found one of my
friend that I really enjoy spending time with. I've invited
her to everything, and we've done a little sleep over together.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I basically invite to every.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy
spending time with her and we don't have time to waste.
It also allows you to figure out really fast whether
you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like,
instead of longing out over months, going on like a
little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there,
if you invest a solid amount of time, you know
straight away whether this is your girl or it's not.
(20:41):
And also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff
is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult
to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time
with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly,
even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end
up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you
can be in your chill clothes and hang out and
it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait
(21:01):
for someone to put in that first piece of effort.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
You can do that.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
And if you're nervous about it, set a time frame,
do something which has a time limit. Go for a workout,
go for a coffee, go for a little walk. You
don't have to spend like a full day with someone.
And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay, the worst
thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool,
You move your energy onto the next person, or you
actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end
up liking you.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
At least you tried and you've learned some skills in
how to communicate with someone. Or they do something that
you don't like, Okay, fabulous, That is a great lesson
learned for the next time, or this is my favorite one.
I always think this, and I'm like, oh my god,
what if they think I'm too keen or if they think.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
I'm too much?
Speaker 1 (21:41):
And then I realize, if I have a good intention
and I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying
to be a friend, and I am too much for
that person. They do not deserve that kindness or that energy.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So I just have to keep it moving.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
And this whole waiting for someone to message you listen,
you already have to do that in dating or in
a relationship. Friendships are meant to be way less pressure
and way less effort, So let's not complicate friendships in
that way if you're struggling to actually find friends. Some
of the people that I know have actually found some
of their best friends on bumblebff, and I've actually never
(22:13):
used it. I've actually been in luckily been in situations
where I've met people quite a lot, especially with the
work that I do. But I recommend it because I've
seen some of them with those friends, and they seem
like they're having the time of their life and they've
found people based on hobbies and activities that they like doing.
And so that's another space. If you don't want to
use an app, think about the activities you like doing,
whether it's a sport club like a pickleball club or
(22:36):
a tennis club, or you like pottery and you go
to a pottery class and you meet people there. I
think we're not used to getting out there anymore. Everything
is so online.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
But you can go out.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
There and meet people and get used to making conversation
with people when you normally wouldn't. It was actually really sweet.
I went to this event last week. It was actually
a Beigan Fashion Week event and I go there and
I must have looked over and I smiled at this girl.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
She looked beautiful and I just gave smile.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I then walked in her direction and she said, I
just have to say that your smile like gave me
such good energy and I really appreciated it so much,
and I was like, your smile did the same for me.
We ended up having a conversation. She was from London,
she just moved here. I was like, let's hang out,
and it was just great. We ended up having a
great connection and probably going to meet up with her
next week. But you know, if you don't end up
(23:22):
opening your mouth and you don't end up having conversations,
how are people supposed to get to know you and
how are you supposed to have these positive interactions with people?
And so speak more, interact more in your day to
day life, and there's more of a chance of refinding friends.
Another thing I really enjoyed doing for people, and it's
also helped build friendships with people too, is I create
(23:43):
these community activities. So the games lights that I once
was doing in London, I've continued doing in the US
and so whatever. Usually every Friday night or something, I'll
invite people over. And it started out really small, and
now I have a list of forty people that I
invite to these and sometimes forty ten up sometimes fifteen
do But what I've loved watching is being a facilitator
(24:03):
for people to make friends. It's a really beautiful thing
to do for people. So if you are someone who
has a lot of friends, connect them. Don't be scared
of people becoming friends outside of your own circle with them.
That is selfish behavior.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
People.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What
I love is that all these people who are meeting
at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives,
and they all end up spending time together, going for
dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so
everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the
different friends that they want and how they want to
spend time with them. I'd say my games nights and
(24:39):
bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements.
It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize
that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued
this cycle for a while now and I really like it.
I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is
really important when it comes to making friends is noticing
your negative traits. And so I have some friends who
I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset
(24:59):
with me about things that I was doing, and I
noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to
change it.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
The friend that I.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Went to about the girl in the beginning that I
was telling you about, she told me that, yes, sometimes
your communication is really bad, and I know you, so
it's easy for me to handle. But for people who
are new to you, they may take it in a
negative way and someone else mentioned to me. They're like, oh,
when you reply back with short answers, I always thought
that you were upset with me, but I realized you're not.
You're just a fast hyper And so for me, what
(25:27):
I've had to now communicate openly to my friends is listen,
I have to be on my phone a lot for
my work, So when we're messaging, I'm sending you short
messages back just to get make sure that I've responded
to you. And sometimes I might even forget, but if
you called me, or if you've voiced O me, I
will hit you.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Back for sure.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
And I've really worked on that, and my friends have
noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow,
I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now.
So if people mean something to you and you want
to keep them in your life, notice what you are
doing wrong too. Another one of mine was being late.
I used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic.
I would end up just thinking I could get somewhere
fast enough, and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track
(26:05):
of time, and I'd always end up late. So I'd
built a narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow,
You're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that.
So I've really worked on it, and now people are
like shocked that I'm always on time. And guess what,
I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some
people are still holding onto it with dear life, and
I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now.
I think it's really important to reflect on what we
(26:27):
can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned
to do because my mind is so scattered and I
have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant
at being a friend.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
He really is. He's so good.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
He's so good at messaging people on no matter how
busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people,
call people, text people. So, because I'm not good at
that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is
kept a note in my phone of all the people
I want to check I want to reach out to
on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey,
how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave
it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the
(26:57):
capacity to then keep going back and forth and I
don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them,
so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you
hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I
think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort
people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being
an active listener. We're so used to telling people things
about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active
(27:17):
listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working
on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and
absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that
I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact
with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something
that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that
I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building
deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you
(27:40):
actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey,
how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of
other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are,
Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation,
because if you just say I'm good, how are you?
It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for
the conversation to go in different directions so they feel
like they're getting to know you more and you can
(28:00):
ask them questions to help you get to know them more.
I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I
hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful
ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in
your life, because that's what community is about, support, care
and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me,
and I hope, hope and pray that it does that
(28:21):
for you too. I read this one quote and I'll
leave you with this. It said friendship is born at
the moment when one person says to another what you too.
I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis,
and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like,
I just want to be understood, and I just want
to feel like there's somebody else in the world that
feels the same and understands me, or a community that
(28:43):
really understands me. And I thought it was such a
beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope
you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know,
send me in some of your rejection friends stories and
also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear
them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful,
wonderful day.
Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area,
you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You
don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why,
you don't need to do a deep dive. The more
energy that you put into something that feels negative in
your life, the more negativity is coming into your life.
And if that person doesn't want you in their life,
that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't
(00:21):
mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean
that your energies do not match, and that is so fine.
I'm Raley w Kia and on my podcast A Really
Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode
(00:44):
of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell
you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story
because it's actually been something that I found really difficult
to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons,
but my main reason for sharing the story is because
I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often,
(01:05):
and we end up seeing people with.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
These beautiful friendships online.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
You see people together, and to be honest, I have
some really great friendships in my life that I am
so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples
of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to
let you guys in on the times I've been epically
rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me
within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways
(01:31):
that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because
I learned a lesson to throw it about things I
needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in
rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that
is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason,
even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people
(01:52):
just do not want to be your friend, and that
is the harsh reality.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
But we get back up and we try again.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
So I'm gonna really summarized this very long story, but
essentially I met this girl and she was lovely. Lots
of people would tell us that we would really get along,
and so I was like, oh, this is going to
be an exciting new friendship. Anyway, we kind of had
an online friendship for a while before we actually met
in person, and honestly, that online friendship seemed nice and supportive.
(02:23):
We ended up finally going to I think it was
like an event or something that we were meant to
be going to. And before that we scheduled to meet
up and have a really nice dinner. And honestly, when
I went there, we had such a great time. We
got along really well. I felt like we had a
good conversation. You know, I felt like it was going
to be a friendship for a long time. I think
she had just launched something or something big had happened
(02:45):
in her life, and I took her a little gift
to say congratulations, and you know, it felt like a
friendship worth investing in. I think that we had consistently
been messaging each other. I can't remember what about, but
you know, just the Hayes highs and trying to schedule.
Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if we'd gone back and
forth about a date, and then I kind of forget
(03:06):
to respond. That's something that I'm really working on and
have worked on a lot. After reflecting on this story,
like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating, but at the
same time, when it's a new friendship, we kind of
give people grace, right You're like, Okay, they probably do
have other things going on. And I felt the same
with her. You know, she would come here, we wouldn't
necessarily get to meet each other. But I was like, dirt,
Obviously she's not going to prioritize me. We're not that close.
(03:27):
But still I wanted to continue and try and build
a friendship. And then I was like reaching out to
all my friends and people that I wanted to send
my book to and I was so excited and I
was like, I'd love to send you my book and
she was like, no, no, I'll I'll buy it. And
I was like, oh, that's so sweet, but I would
love to send it to you because I actually have
a gift that's going out to some of my friends
with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe I've done something wrong,
(03:48):
maybe something's happened.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I in writed it to a few things. She said no,
and then.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about
knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional,
and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's
misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment.
We don't have to be good friends, but I just
want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and
that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I
see you and I wish you well. You see me
(04:14):
and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me
being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like,
this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I
want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because
I would feel terrible if.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
That's what you think.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
And I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way,
like would love to talk about it.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
So anyway.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
She then ends up messaging me back, I think like
six days later or something, being like, oh no, it
wasn't about you. If you want to send me the book,
then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries.
And I then felt like you know when you just
feel like the energy is not right between you, like
something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So
then I end up reaching out again, like I think
(04:54):
a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd
love to just sit down and chat and just catch
up and and hope.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
You're well blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Basically, I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh,
this is a bit weird because I saw that she
was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker,
I know, but this is something I'm working on. And
then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I
then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you
unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you.
But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me,
but then also I no longer follow her, so like
(05:24):
maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows
both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay,
and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done
something to fully offend her. So then I reached out
to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't
know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like,
have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I
have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't
(05:44):
think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just
trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in
her life, and I was like, what have I done
for her to not want me in my life?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Anyway?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything.
I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted
was to just have a comversation, just to make sure
that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I
also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe
I gave off the energy that I didn't want to
be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I
was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and
it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and
(06:16):
at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone
go to such an extreme measure with something that I
felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things
can be small to you but then also big to
the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected,
Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation,
doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want
to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay,
(06:37):
you need to stop because this is getting a little
bit crazy and you need to ease off.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
You need to like you need to be okay. If
someone doesn't like you, they just don't like you.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
And I realized that I had struggled with that throughout
my life, and it was a really good lesson for
me to remind myself that I really have to work
on that practice that rejection, whether it's in friendship and
work in any area, you have to remin but that
sometimes it's just okay. You don't need an explanation, you
don't need to find out why, you don't need to
do a deep dive. The more energy that you put
(07:08):
into something that feels negative in your life, the more
negativity is coming into your life. And if that person
doesn't want you in their life, that is okay. Doesn't
mean that that person is terrible, doesn't mean that you've
done anything wrong. It may just mean that your energies
do not match. And that is so fine someone to
tell that story, because I'm sure, in some rendition or
some way in your life, you've been through a situation
where you don't know why someone has stopped being your
(07:30):
friend or why that person doesn't want to be a friend.
No matter how much effort you put in the problem,
that we most of us go through is that we
focus on the people or the things that actually give
us the least amount of attention, and then we don't
focus on the people or the things that actually provide
us with so much joy and actually give us so
much love and attention in our life. It also taught
me lessons that I have recently worked on when it
(07:51):
comes to communication and friendship.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And so what I wanted to do.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
I want to go through some of the things that
I've learned that have actually allowed me to make some
of the best friends that I've ever had in my life.
But also I shared that story so that you understood
that also rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself
out there is not an easy is not an easy journey,
but it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends,
and they've come in some of the most beautiful ways.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
And you know, I've had to.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Reset completely in my life in so many different phases
of my life, whether it was moving to New York
City where I literally knew nobody, and then I moved
from New York to la where I literally didn't know
anybody either, or within the space of a couple of years,
so I actually had to reset completely each time. I
have to find new friends and then also make time
to invest in the friends that I already had back
in London. And for anybody that struggles with making friends,
(08:39):
you know, when we were younger, we were put in
a lot of situations where a lot of our friendships
were situational. So whether it's school or whether it's college,
we're kind of forced into these environments where making friends
is a big part of why we are there. And
so as we become adults, we're put into less situations
like that. When you're a child, you make friends on
in the playground or activities after school, or sports teams
(09:03):
or like me, playing violin, or you go to your
swim classes afterwards, and you create different friends because of
the activities that you do. Your parents facilitate that for you,
and friendships doing childhood are also so much simpler most
of the time because we don't have the baggage or
the complexities of adult life or responsibilities or expectations that
we've built over the things that we've been through in
our life. And so I remember going through these phases
(09:25):
of my life where I was like, oh, the more
friends I have, the better.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
I need to pile them up.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And then I went through phases where I'd been burned
and I had my walls up, and I was like, oh,
I only need a few good friends in my life.
And I actually realized now that both the narratives for
me were wrong. One thing I do know is that
connection and community can completely make or break you. I
have so many friends who, when I moved to LA
would tell me just how much they disliked LA because
they had not built a community or made good friends.
(09:53):
Then as soon as they found their people or their community,
they completely shifted their mood and loved LA again. They
felt like they had found their place. And I always
say this, I'm like, you can go anywhere in the world,
and if you find community and if you find good friendship,
it can feel like home. If you don't find that,
it will not feel like home. And that's why LA
for me, was such a beautiful space, because I really
(10:14):
cultivated so many friendships here that it began to feel
like family. It began to feel like we had a
community around us. You know, community is what we're built for.
We literally as humans are built to live together, to
be together. And I think lack of community is a
big part of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually,
if I think about it, I've made some of my
closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a
(10:34):
fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating.
I will say that because it takes a lot of investment.
You also have to start going out on dates. You
have to feel it out. You have to see if
you like the person, you like their qualities, you like
what they do, how you like spending time with them.
And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we
first moved to New York, j You would keep trying
to set me up with every single girl that he
(10:55):
possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you,
guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these
gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But
at the same time, I was like, listen, I need
to do this by myself. I do not need you
to be responsible for my friend life.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
And I get it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh,
that person may not be really nice, or they already
have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah,
blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling
yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to
tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't
end up even trying to make friends. And you have
to think in your mind, do I want friends or
do I not? And so you can keep building this
(11:30):
narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out
there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and
space into a friendship, you can't.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Expect it to grow and look.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships, and
I found some really solid ones. So I thought I'd
just share some of my reflections and hope that it
helps you to create your community too. So my first
piece of advice is do not shut people off too fast.
Give people a second chance. I learned that from the
situation I told you about at the beginning of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I've learned that through my.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Own fault that I've made in friendships before, where I
met someone once and I judge them based on that
one interaction, and then I'm like, wait, I meet them
again in a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe
they're in a different mood, and I really like them
as a person, and I then want to spend time
with them.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
So I really think you have to.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Give people more than one chance in your friend's circle,
Like would you not want someone to give you more
than one chance? And if you would, then why would
you not do that for somebody else. I recently had
a guest on that was talking about dating, and she said,
ideally you should do a minimum of two dates to
actually make an informed decision. And I think that's true,
whether it's a relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays
(12:37):
we just ghosts and cut people off so fast, like
no explanation, no conversation, no chance given, and we just
cut them off because we're like, oh, you know what,
We'll find someone else. But I think having a wide
group of friends and friends for different things is actually
a really integral part of having a community.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You don't have to be best friends with everyone, and
that's the mistake we make.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
We're like, but I don't feel like that person's my
best friend, and I don't feel like I can tell
everything where you don't have to. I have friends who
I work out with or play sports with. I have
friends who are my FOODI friends who I know, I
can go to fund exciting food adventures with or send
them some fun recipes that I can't wait to make.
I have my spiritual group of friends that I connect
with on practices and fundamental values. I have friends that
(13:17):
I know I have a good night out with, and
then I have couple friends that me and Jay hang
out with together. They don't all meet all my needs,
and that's not what friends are supposed to do. I
think the point is you find different friends, and you
find the one thing or the two things that you
enjoy doing or that you love about them, and then
you work off that every single person has flaws, every
single person is working on something, every single person has weeds.
(13:39):
We cannot expect the people that we meet to be
perfect because we, down well are not perfect, and so
you can't expect perfection from other people. So now when
I meet someone, I think about how do I enjoy
spending time with them most. Maybe I don't love sitting
with them one on one, but that doesn't mean I
don't like them. It just means maybe we connect better
in another way. So on in write them out to
a workout or with an other group setting. And of
(14:01):
course you have to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy
you or bore you because at the end of the day,
you are investing time and energy and you're fitting them
into your life and into your circle. But if they
have the basic qualities that you like in a person,
then why take away a potential friend from your life?
And on that note, I guess my second piece of
advice would be figure out what your basic values or
(14:22):
qualities are that you like in a friend. I realize
in my life because I have my sister or my mom,
I don't really need a friend to confide in or
help me through my hard times because Jay and then
my family are those crutches for me. They're the people
that I turn to. But living away from my family,
I do appreciate friends that I can do family style
things with, like hang out and play games or have
dinners together, or be able to call and rely on
(14:44):
if my car broke down or if I need a
last minute favor, and I would want to be there
for them in that way too. I also have quickly
learned how to identify when people start displaying certain qualities
that are deal breakers for me, like the things that
I fundamentally know I do not appreciate friends anymore. And
also there were things that I used to do when
I was in dark times in my life, and so
(15:05):
I've noticed that when people do do these things, it
involves being in a dark space in your own life.
One of those fundamental things and non negotiables for me
is if someone is talking behind someone else's back for
absolutely no reason, because you know what, if they're sharing
something about someone else with you, especially when your friendship
is new, then it's more than likely that they're saying
(15:26):
something about you to somebody else, and especially if it's
not relevant to your life, like if it is just
pure gossip where you're being told information about somebody else's
life and it has nothing to do with you, that
to me is not a sign of a good friend.
And you know, I've noticed and I think I used
to do this when I was younger, where you end
up telling people information because you think it brings you closer,
(15:46):
Like I'll tell you something about this person. You tell
me something about this person, and we're kind of bonding
over this secret. But you don't need to have secrets
to be friends, Like you can just have great energy together,
you can have fun together. You don't need to have
secrets between you to actually be good friends. So figure
out and reflect on your past friendships and what would
the deal breakers for you. Next up, I would say,
(16:07):
be okay with finding friends in the most unexpected places.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
I have met some of my closest friends in the
most random ways, the most bizarre ways. Whether it was
the lift in my building, whether it was that random
events and I've invinted them to my house, whether I
was cooking for the fires and I reached out to
a girl that I'd never met who has now become
one of my best friends. Whether it is me getting
slapped when I was a teenager and through that slap
(16:33):
I found one of my best friends. I know you
want to hear this story, so I'm going to go
into it. I think I was probably definitely younger than sixteen.
I think I was maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to
this event. This ridiculous girl, who had obviously nothing better
to do, had told this rowdy friend of hers that
I'd said something about her. I literally did not even
know who she was.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I go up to them.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
They're standing in a group thinking that they're all bad,
as you do when you're a fifteen year old girl
with all your girl group friends. They were like, you know,
the popular girls. And this girl just says, did you
say something about me? And I was like no, and
she just slaps me around the face in front of
all of them. The girl that told her was laughing.
Everyone was like having a good old time. I obviously
ran off crying because what the hell. I then ended
(17:15):
up telling one of my friends that I went to
school with and I had become really good friends with
her boyfriend who went to another school. He then is like, listen,
I'm going to sort this out for you. No one
does that to you. He adds me into yes an
MSN conversation with one of his best friends and me,
and he's like, listen, she's going to sort this out
for you. Don't even worry about it. This girl, when
(17:37):
I tell you, she is still one of my bestest friends.
We've been friends for over fifteen years. She is my
ride or die, and this instance or this situation will
like show how bad she is. Like she is and
I mean bad in a good way. Like she had
a presence. You know, people were also a little bit
scared of her back then, which, by the way, obviously
I seem to have needed.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
She adds.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl who
slept me and her intal conversation, and she says, you
have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend. Bearing
in mind she didn't even know me or else. This
girl is apologizing to me. And funnily enough, I ended
up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me to
don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends with
this girl then ended up sticking up for me in
(18:19):
a situation where I didn't feel like I could stick
up for myself. She is now still one of my
best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need to
talk to someone about anything, she is that person. She's
non judgmental, she has backed me up throughout my whole life,
and we have got into some serious trouble together. But
we met because I got slapped in another space. I
actually ended up coming to stay in the UK for
(18:41):
like five months of my life during the pandemic, so
not long ago, and I was working on my cookbook
at the time, and so I ended up moving into
an apartment building and I thought I would only be
there for a short period of time. I wanted to
test recipes, and I did not want to mess up
my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided to
work from that space, and I decided I did to
start these games nights with some of my friends in
(19:02):
the common area. I then ended up meeting random girls
in the gym, random people in the common areas, random
people in lifts, and I started inviting them to these
games nights. It ended up being like three of us
to ten of us to fifteen of us and going
on week after week after week. And it was when
people would introduce themselves or say, how do you know Raley,
they'd be like, well, we met her in the lift
or we met her in the gym. And so I
(19:22):
actually really enjoyed building community and helping other people find it.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
And the amount of people within these different.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Areas that have told me they were really sad and
that they were trying to make friends and they didn't
know how to, or they actually found friendship within those
groups during the time that they really needed it. It
made me realize so many people are lonely and we
don't even know, we don't even realize it. That brings
me on to making the first move. Okay, put yourself
out there and do not wait for someone to give
(19:50):
you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting at
home for somebody to come and be your best friend
without putting in any effort, without putting in the first step,
without planning, you've got a lot coming. You are looking
for someone to treat like a princess, and that's not
what friendship is about. So stop planning those dates. Once
you find someone that you like, start writing them to things.
I'm not all in person, okay, if I find someone
(20:11):
that I like like Recently, I found one of my
friend that I really enjoy spending time with. I've invited
her to everything, and we've done a little sleep over together.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I basically invite to every.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy
spending time with her and we don't have time to waste.
It also allows you to figure out really fast whether
you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like,
instead of longing out over months, going on like a
little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there,
if you invest a solid amount of time, you know
straight away whether this is your girl or it's not.
(20:41):
And also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff
is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult
to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time
with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly,
even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end
up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you
can be in your chill clothes and hang out and
it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait
(21:01):
for someone to put in that first piece of effort.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
You can do that.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
And if you're nervous about it, set a time frame,
do something which has a time limit. Go for a workout,
go for a coffee, go for a little walk. You
don't have to spend like a full day with someone.
And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay, the worst
thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool,
You move your energy onto the next person, or you
actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end
up liking you.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
At least you tried and you've learned some skills in
how to communicate with someone. Or they do something that
you don't like, Okay, fabulous, That is a great lesson
learned for the next time, or this is my favorite one.
I always think this, and I'm like, oh my god,
what if they think I'm too keen or if they think.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
I'm too much?
Speaker 1 (21:41):
And then I realize, if I have a good intention
and I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying
to be a friend, and I am too much for
that person. They do not deserve that kindness or that energy.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So I just have to keep it moving.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
And this whole waiting for someone to message you listen,
you already have to do that in dating or in
a relationship. Friendships are meant to be way less pressure
and way less effort, So let's not complicate friendships in
that way if you're struggling to actually find friends. Some
of the people that I know have actually found some
of their best friends on bumblebff, and I've actually never
(22:13):
used it. I've actually been in luckily been in situations
where I've met people quite a lot, especially with the
work that I do. But I recommend it because I've
seen some of them with those friends, and they seem
like they're having the time of their life and they've
found people based on hobbies and activities that they like doing.
And so that's another space. If you don't want to
use an app, think about the activities you like doing,
whether it's a sport club like a pickleball club or
(22:36):
a tennis club, or you like pottery and you go
to a pottery class and you meet people there. I
think we're not used to getting out there anymore. Everything
is so online.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
But you can go out.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
There and meet people and get used to making conversation
with people when you normally wouldn't. It was actually really sweet.
I went to this event last week. It was actually
a Beigan Fashion Week event and I go there and
I must have looked over and I smiled at this girl.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
She looked beautiful and I just gave smile.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I then walked in her direction and she said, I
just have to say that your smile like gave me
such good energy and I really appreciated it so much,
and I was like, your smile did the same for me.
We ended up having a conversation. She was from London,
she just moved here. I was like, let's hang out,
and it was just great. We ended up having a
great connection and probably going to meet up with her
next week. But you know, if you don't end up
(23:22):
opening your mouth and you don't end up having conversations,
how are people supposed to get to know you and
how are you supposed to have these positive interactions with people?
And so speak more, interact more in your day to
day life, and there's more of a chance of refinding friends.
Another thing I really enjoyed doing for people, and it's
also helped build friendships with people too, is I create
(23:43):
these community activities. So the games lights that I once
was doing in London, I've continued doing in the US
and so whatever. Usually every Friday night or something, I'll
invite people over. And it started out really small, and
now I have a list of forty people that I
invite to these and sometimes forty ten up sometimes fifteen
do But what I've loved watching is being a facilitator
(24:03):
for people to make friends. It's a really beautiful thing
to do for people. So if you are someone who
has a lot of friends, connect them. Don't be scared
of people becoming friends outside of your own circle with them.
That is selfish behavior.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
People.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What
I love is that all these people who are meeting
at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives,
and they all end up spending time together, going for
dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so
everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the
different friends that they want and how they want to
spend time with them. I'd say my games nights and
(24:39):
bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements.
It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize
that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued
this cycle for a while now and I really like it.
I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is
really important when it comes to making friends is noticing
your negative traits. And so I have some friends who
I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset
(24:59):
with me about things that I was doing, and I
noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to
change it.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
The friend that I.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Went to about the girl in the beginning that I
was telling you about, she told me that, yes, sometimes
your communication is really bad, and I know you, so
it's easy for me to handle. But for people who
are new to you, they may take it in a
negative way and someone else mentioned to me. They're like, oh,
when you reply back with short answers, I always thought
that you were upset with me, but I realized you're not.
You're just a fast hyper And so for me, what
(25:27):
I've had to now communicate openly to my friends is listen,
I have to be on my phone a lot for
my work, So when we're messaging, I'm sending you short
messages back just to get make sure that I've responded
to you. And sometimes I might even forget, but if
you called me, or if you've voiced O me, I
will hit you.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Back for sure.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
And I've really worked on that, and my friends have
noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow,
I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now.
So if people mean something to you and you want
to keep them in your life, notice what you are
doing wrong too. Another one of mine was being late.
I used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic.
I would end up just thinking I could get somewhere
fast enough, and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track
(26:05):
of time, and I'd always end up late. So I'd
built a narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow,
You're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that.
So I've really worked on it, and now people are
like shocked that I'm always on time. And guess what,
I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some
people are still holding onto it with dear life, and
I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now.
I think it's really important to reflect on what we
(26:27):
can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned
to do because my mind is so scattered and I
have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant
at being a friend.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
He really is. He's so good.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
He's so good at messaging people on no matter how
busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people,
call people, text people. So, because I'm not good at
that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is
kept a note in my phone of all the people
I want to check I want to reach out to
on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey,
how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave
it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the
(26:57):
capacity to then keep going back and forth and I
don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them,
so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you
hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I
think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort
people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being
an active listener. We're so used to telling people things
about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active
(27:17):
listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working
on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and
absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that
I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact
with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something
that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that
I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building
deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you
(27:40):
actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey,
how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of
other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are,
Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation,
because if you just say I'm good, how are you?
It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for
the conversation to go in different directions so they feel
like they're getting to know you more and you can
(28:00):
ask them questions to help you get to know them more.
I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I
hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful
ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in
your life, because that's what community is about, support, care
and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me,
and I hope, hope and pray that it does that
(28:21):
for you too. I read this one quote and I'll
leave you with this. It said friendship is born at
the moment when one person says to another what you too.
I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis,
and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like,
I just want to be understood, and I just want
to feel like there's somebody else in the world that
feels the same and understands me, or a community that
(28:43):
really understands me. And I thought it was such a
beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope
you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know,
send me in some of your rejection friends stories and
also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear
them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful,
wonderful day.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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