July 22, 2025 • 19 mins
Why do we rush to fill silence even when there's nothing more to say?
Are you using filler words to hide your nerves or to prove you're still interesting?
What are you trying to cover up with “like,” “um,” or oversharing?
When was the last time you sat in silence with someone you love, or with yourself?
In this solo episode of A Really Good Cry, Radhi takes you deep into an unexpected topic: silence. What starts as a reflection on eliminating filler words like “um” and “like” quickly becomes an introspective and revealing look at the discomfort we feel when we’re quiet—and what we’re really trying to hide.
She shares how learning to pause and breathe while speaking transformed her confidence, and how too often, we speak just to prove we belong. But what if true connection doesn't come from filling every gap—but from being fully present, even in stillness?
Radhi also opens up about self-monitoring, the pressure to perform in conversations, and how she's learning to feel safe even when she has nothing to say. Plus: a sweet life update on her grandma’s health, nostalgia in London, and a birthday plan that’s pure joy.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why filler words can be subtle signs of insecurity and anxiety.
- How silence can feel threatening—but also freeing.
- Tools to eliminate filler words without losing your flow.
- Why slowing down your speech makes people actually listen.
- How to feel more seen and less performative in conversations.
- The emotional impact of always adjusting to fit in.
- What it means to be present with yourself—and others.
This episode is a gentle invitation to stop performing and start feeling. Whether you’re a fast talker, a chronic over-sharer, or someone afraid of awkward silences—this one will meet you where you are.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I actually realize how much more confident you can sound
and how much clearer you can be just by taking
out those filler words. It feels more intentional and easier
to understand. But it took me into deeper thoughts of
this idea, of the need we get to fill silences
and the discomfort silence can invoke inside of us. We
think it's a discomfort in the moment with another person,
(00:21):
but actually sometimes it might be showing us a discomfort
that we feel in ourselves. I'm Radi Wukiah and on
my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy
and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations
that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn,
connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back
(00:43):
to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Now, if you guys are new here, thank you so
much for coming hello.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
And if you are an OG listener, thank you so
much for being here again and again. So today's episode
is going to be a little bit of a shorter one.
It's just something I've been thinking about, but I think
it's extremely useful. But you all sent me such lovely
messages after my episode about my grandma, and so I
want to give you guys a little bit an update.
She is doing really well. Actually, she's quite fabulous. I
(01:12):
would say she's a bit of a medical marvel, to
be honest, because she's kind of gone against everything that
the doctors had said would happen, and we're just getting
some really wonderful time with her. She has been thriving.
The other day, I walked in and I thought she'd
been at a spa because she was just glowing. And
part of me thinks it is just the magic of
(01:34):
a spiritual connection. A big part of me feels that
there's never a way to prove that you can't really
tell what's happening. But I have seen that in many people,
where their spiritual practice is so deep and their beliefs
are so strong that they go against what the medical
system would think would happen to somebody like that, regardless
(01:56):
of all the figures that they're seeing or the blood
results that are coming back. Somehow something else is carrying them,
you know. And that's definitely what I'm experiencing with my grandma.
So I'm still in London, really enjoying my time here,
being able to come back for this long after being
away for eight years. You know, I've obviously come back
and forth quite often, but it's so weird how easily
(02:18):
you can adapt to a space. Because I have come back,
and although I miss La obviously, with my family here
and Jay coming back and forth, it you know, doesn't
really feel like there's much that I am missing in La,
which is crazy because it's been my home for nearly
eight years. And so one thing I've really noticed is
(02:39):
how easy it is to adjust and adapt to a place.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
But I guess it's the easiest.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
When you have community or family or people that you
love in that space. And it made me realize that, oh,
you really need all the people that you love around
you and anywhere I can feel like home. So I'm
just living day by day and very much so realizing
that life is just not in your control a lot
(03:04):
of the times, you just have to go with the
flow and just let things be.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Did I expect to be in London at this time
of year?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
No?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Am I happy about it? Actually? Yes?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
And I think it's showing me and teaching me for
my body and my mind and the way that I
want to connect to people. It's actually taught me so much.
Since I've been here and Jay has been on tour
and he recently came back. He's been back twice since
I've been here. Oh, we actually went away to Italy
for a short period. It was just three days, but
(03:34):
it was really nice to get away together and have
time to reconnect. And that's actually how through our relationship
we have been able to connect, even though we have
had a lot of time apart. So at the beginning
of our relationship, Jay would travel a lot for work
and I would still be in New York or when
we moved to la whether it was him going on
tour or me coming back here or him traveling for work,
(03:58):
we actually have had quite a few gaps away from
each other and so a rule that well, Jay came
up with this, but it was a very good rule
that I also agreed to, so I guess I played
part in it. He said what we should do is
every month we should go away for a distance which
was less than two hours away for a minimum of
two days, just to get a moment of reconnection. And
(04:19):
so we haven't been able to keep that up that
much recently, but just having a couple of days of
connection when you've had time away from each other is
so needed and so wonderful. And so we went away
to Italy for a couple of days and we got
to wander around Rome, went to some delicious restaurants, and
it was the first time Joe was okay without having
a plan. Usually he's the planner, he wants everything mapped out.
(04:42):
But it was just so nice going with the flow
and just having the ability to wander around, be with
each other, actually speak to each other, catch up, and
so we had that and then he's going to come back.
It's my birthday coming up on the thirtieth of July,
and it's the first time I'm going to have been
in London with my family for my birthday in over
(05:04):
eight years. And so what I'm planning to do is
do something that I used to do when I was
younger for my birthday, So go to my local park
or in my mom's garden, have some barbecue pizzas and
play some games like rounders and family competitive games.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
And that's honestly all I really want to do.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Another thing I want to do, which I used to
do when I was younger, is strawberry picking on my birthday.
The best memory I have of my birthday is when
my dad would take time off work on my birthday
and we'd go strawberry picking. And that sounds so British,
doesn't it, But it's because strawberries are the best during
this time, so we'd go strawberry picking and then we'd
come back. My mum would make some frozen yogurt ice
(05:46):
cream from the strawberries, and we'd sit play games and
have fun in the garden. So that's what I'm planning
to do for my birthday this year. But anyway, going
back to the topic that this podcast is supposed to
be about, is about something that I've recently become extremely
aware of, and that is the colossal amount of times
I say like or when speaking, especially when I listen
(06:08):
back to my own podcasts or even when I'm in
conversation with others.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I can hear it.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
It's like I'm observing myself in the back of my mind,
but I'm unable to stop myself from doing it. Sometimes,
even when I'm finishing sentences, I end it with so
yeah or uh, what was I going to say, even
though I wasn't going to say anything. So I started
thinking about that and I think a big part of
it comes from carrying the conversation to the next place.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It felt like something that I wasn't really.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
In control of, but I think I was using it
as a way to continue the conversation onto the next place,
or to fill gaps, and it had become a habit.
But honestly, a habit isn't created. It doesn't just appear
or just happen. It's created over time and with a lot,
a lot, a lot of repetition. So me being me,
I started thinking about where on earth did I pick
(06:57):
up this language from and how am I only us
noticing it? And I did try blaming it on the
American culture. I have been in America for eight years now,
and so I'm sure I picked up a few things
from there. But you know what, there's only so far
you can get from blaming others. But also it showed
me how much you can collect things throughout your life
without even noticing it, and how careful and aware that
(07:20):
means we have to be in our surroundings. But anyway,
I brought this up to Jay recently and he gave
me some solid advice. As usual, he said he went
through a phase of working on that too, and he
found two really simple techniques that made all the difference,
and that was slowing down and pausing. It was literally
just those two things, slowing down in my speech, in
(07:43):
my sentences, thinking before I'm speaking, and then pausing and
allowing there to be pauses and silences between those sentences.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
So when it comes to slowing down.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Really it's because when you end up speaking too quickly,
it can lead to all these filler words that you're using.
So when you slow down your pace and you allow
your brain to catch up with the words that you
are saying or are or like, are most of the
time users placeholders while we end up gathering our thoughts
or we're deciding.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
On what to say next.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
So if you substitute the arms for just pauses or
silent moments, it can literally solve ninety percent of your
army and eyeing, which.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Sounds so simple, right, But it's taken me.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Such a long time to even get into the habit
of doing that, to not fill those silences or fill
those gaps. So I've really been working on slowing down
my speech. I have had a fair bit of feedback,
especially on my podcast, when I'm speaking like I'm already
on two X, and it is a symptom of my
nerves and anxiety in those moments. And to be honest,
(08:45):
when we do that in person or when we're in conversation,
it could also be a reflection of our nerves because
our speech is usually the slowest, and we're the most
comfortable around the people that we are the most comfortable around.
So if you're in a social setting that you're already
feeling anxious or not, it's likely that just like our
breath changes when we're in situations where we feel uncomfortable,
(09:06):
our speech also changes. It's kind of the same thing.
And so one of the techniques that I've been using
is as soon as I hear myself doing it, I
start taking deeper breaths between sentences to regulate my nerves.
I've noticed myself doing that when I am in podcasts,
where suddenly I become really hyper aware of the fact
that I am speaking so fast, and I just take
(09:30):
a breath, and just by taking that simple breath, it
makes me so much more aware of the pace that
I'm going at and also forces me to slow down.
So taking deep breaths between sentences, even if you're not
used to taking gaps. A breath can help you to
fill that gap in a way that isn't umming, eyeing,
or liking. I've also only been doing this for over
a week now consciously, and just by doing those two things,
(09:53):
my whole speech has transformed, and it really feels like
as if it has given more power in myself. I
actually recently heard this podcast by on Jay's podcast. Actually
this lady Korsadia Khan, and not only is she obviously
so intellectual and is so good at taking psychology and
(10:14):
making it feel useful and applicable and understandable, but the
power really came from her ability to speak so clearly
and throughout the whole time I was listening, she did
not have one filler word in between her sentences, and
so I actually realized how much more confident you can
sound and how much clearer you can be just by
(10:36):
taking out those filler words. So actually not only makes
you feel more confident, but I think the person receiving
the information is able to hear you clearer, and you're
able to articulate yourself and put across your point so
much better. By creating this slower pace and removing all
of these filler words, it feels more intentional and easier
(10:56):
to understand. But anyway, I bought this up today not
give you a speech lesson, but it took me into
deeper thoughts of this idea, of the need we get
to fill silences and the discomfort silence can invoke inside
of us. We think it's a discomfort in the moment
with another person, but actually sometimes it might be showing
(11:17):
us a discomfort that we feel in ourselves. My sister
told me this story about being at this retreat and
one of the exercises was grabbing someone else in the
retreet and sitting opposite them to stare into each other's eyes,
just maintaining eye contact for sixty seconds.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
That's one minute.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
One minute can go so fast, but when it comes
to something like this, it sounds so simple, But I
have tried to do this before, and it can feel
so uncomfortable. Those sixty seconds feel like five minutes. And
she told me I actually made her well up into tears,
and the person opposite her said, what is it that
you don't want me to see?
Speaker 2 (11:55):
What is it that you do not want me to see?
Why is it that you're feeling so uncomfortable?
Speaker 1 (11:59):
In this innner, and so I started thinking about that
for me, what is it that I don't want people
to see through the silences?
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Is it that I'm boring?
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Is it so that they don't lose interest and move
on to the next conversation.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Is it so that they don't see me thinking?
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Because thinking might look like I don't really know what
I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
But that question is such a great question. What is
it that you do not.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Want people to see in the silences? And I think
it's applicable in many different ways. What is it that
I don't want this person to notice about me? Whether
it's in a dating situation, whether it is in an
intellectual situation, whether it's in a social setting.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
What is it that I'm.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Trying to hide or avoid through this continuous conversation without
these gaps where they can actually see me or hear
me for who I am. And actually, this exercise that
they did at the retreat is such a good one
to do with someone that you think you're close to
a partner, or your mom or your sibling, to see
if you can actually sit with them in silence, not
(12:58):
distracted on your phone. We're really just looking into each
other's eyes. Actually, think about it now, When was the
last time you did that with someone that you think
you're close to, even your partner, When was the last
time you sat for sixty seconds and just looked into
each other's eyes just like this, like I am with
you right now. It can be really difficult, and I
think it can invoke a lot of emotions just by
(13:20):
that connection, because we don't get that kind of connection usually.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Our connection is so distracted.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
It's filled with external stimulus, whether it's our phone, whether
it's the TV, whether it's listening to music in the
background while we're spending time with someone.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
And so this one on one.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Connection of eye contact, I think it can make you
feel almost too seen. It can make you feel really
uncomfortable in that situation. And you know, this idea of
filling the gaps is kind of similar to that feeling
when you volunteered too much information about yourself in those
situations that you actually didn't want to share or had
no intention of sharing that information with people, but for
(14:00):
some reason, to fill the gaps, you end up sharing
a little bit too much and leaving that space like
why did I even say that?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Or why did I tell anybody that I didn't even
want to talk about that in that moment.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
And so since I've started putting it into practice, i
will be in conversation and I'll catch myself about to
say and instead I just pause or completely slow down.
And at first it feels really awkward, like I'm glitching
in some way. But the more that I practice, the
more comfortable that I get with it. Just letting the
(14:34):
silence be there, letting myself think from sentence to sentence,
letting others wait for what I actually have to say,
letting there be space between my thoughts. And honestly, I
think it makes me a better listener too, because I'm
not just sitting here preparing what I want to say next.
I'm actually with the other person instead of performing for them.
(14:54):
There's a psychological term called self monitoring, and it's basically
when we constantly adjust our behavior to fit into the
situation that we're in. And so people who are used
to being self monitors are hyper aware of how they
are coming across to other people. So they scan for reactions,
they tweak their tone, they fill their gaps and make
sure there are no awkward moments. And it's not necessarily
(15:14):
a bad thing. It can actually make you a person
that's easier to talk to, or seem more dynamic or charismatic,
but it can also mean that you may end up
coming away from conversations feeling like it wasn't really you
talking in that space, because you're always performing, even in
those microways, and so in a weird way, these fill
of words are kind of just these mini performances in
(15:36):
between the sentences that we are trying to actually speak.
They're subtle ways of saying, don't worry, I'm actually still here,
I'm still engaging, or a way to say I haven't
lost your attention, have I Please do not disconnect. And
it reminds me of this quote by this stoic philosopher Epictocus,
and I never say his name right, but he says
something like, it's not events themselves that disturb us, but
(15:57):
our judgment about them. So we get uncomfortable in silence,
not because silence is inherently uncomfortable or awkward, but because
we have judged it as being awkward.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
We tell ourselves they must be bored, or I'm not
doing enough, or I sound a little bit unsure.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
But actually, if I think about the people that I'm
the most captivated by when they're speaking or in conversation
with it is actually people who do practice this. There's
a kind of quiet confidence in someone who pauses, in
someone who takes the time to think about their next sentence.
It says, I'm not rushing to prove myself. I'm not
afraid to take my time. It's powerful. The people who
(16:35):
don't rush to speak are often the ones that we
tune into and listen to the most, because when they
finally do say something, you know that it's going to
be real. And actually, when you speak to someone who
doesn't stop talking, you probably feel less connected because it
feels like there's no space for reciprocation, and connection requires reciprocation.
Even in a five minute conversation, you can either come
(16:56):
away from that thinking, God, I don't think I got
one word in or I don't really feel connected to
that person, But as soon as there's been an interaction
which requires reciprocation, you feel more connected in that moment.
I think there are so many different ways that we
hide behind our anxiety, that we try to cover up
how we're actually feeling in the moment, and obviously this
(17:17):
is something that can be habitual For me, it was
a mixture of feeling anxious in social settings where I
think I probably spoke too fast, or being nervous when
I go on to podcasts and I'm trying to make
sure I get all the things in at the right time,
and that I feel like I'm giving enough information to
people to make it worthwhile for them to listen to.
(17:40):
And so the faster I speak and the more things
I say, the more I felt like that was happening.
But really, this episode isn't really about the ums and likes,
even though it started out like that. It's really about
presence and a reminder that you should feel safe with
yourself even when there is nothing to say. It's about
learning that you don't need to feel the gaps to
(18:00):
be worthy of being part of a conversation, and to
ask yourself the question regularly when discomfort comes through in
these moments, what am I wanting them to not see
or experience about me through these silences? So I hope
this little nugget that I've been thinking about brought some
sort of thought or intentionality to your speech. In the
(18:23):
way that you carry yourself, in the way that you
communicate with other people.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
It's definitely been.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
It has definitely been difficult to work on, and I
obviously haven't perfected it yet it's been one week, but
I do think that it has created a lot more
connection in the moments when I have spoken to people
trying to disconnect from these filler words and trying to
be seen in the way that I actually am. And
so thank you so much for listening. I hope you
enjoy this podcast, and if you did, then please go
(18:50):
ahead and subscribe and share this beautiful podcast where we
are trying to help you go through all these little things,
from filler words to the harder things in life together
so you don't feel like you are doing it alone,
because Lord knows, life comes with its challenges, and it's
so much nicer when you can go through it with
other people.
I actually realize how much more confident you can sound
and how much clearer you can be just by taking
out those filler words. It feels more intentional and easier
to understand. But it took me into deeper thoughts of
this idea, of the need we get to fill silences
and the discomfort silence can invoke inside of us. We
think it's a discomfort in the moment with another person,
(00:21):
but actually sometimes it might be showing us a discomfort
that we feel in ourselves. I'm Radi Wukiah and on
my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy
and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations
that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn,
connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back
(00:43):
to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Now, if you guys are new here, thank you so
much for coming hello.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
And if you are an OG listener, thank you so
much for being here again and again. So today's episode
is going to be a little bit of a shorter one.
It's just something I've been thinking about, but I think
it's extremely useful. But you all sent me such lovely
messages after my episode about my grandma, and so I
want to give you guys a little bit an update.
She is doing really well. Actually, she's quite fabulous. I
(01:12):
would say she's a bit of a medical marvel, to
be honest, because she's kind of gone against everything that
the doctors had said would happen, and we're just getting
some really wonderful time with her. She has been thriving.
The other day, I walked in and I thought she'd
been at a spa because she was just glowing. And
part of me thinks it is just the magic of
(01:34):
a spiritual connection. A big part of me feels that
there's never a way to prove that you can't really
tell what's happening. But I have seen that in many people,
where their spiritual practice is so deep and their beliefs
are so strong that they go against what the medical
system would think would happen to somebody like that, regardless
(01:56):
of all the figures that they're seeing or the blood
results that are coming back. Somehow something else is carrying them,
you know. And that's definitely what I'm experiencing with my grandma.
So I'm still in London, really enjoying my time here,
being able to come back for this long after being
away for eight years. You know, I've obviously come back
and forth quite often, but it's so weird how easily
(02:18):
you can adapt to a space. Because I have come back,
and although I miss La obviously, with my family here
and Jay coming back and forth, it you know, doesn't
really feel like there's much that I am missing in La,
which is crazy because it's been my home for nearly
eight years. And so one thing I've really noticed is
(02:39):
how easy it is to adjust and adapt to a place.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
But I guess it's the easiest.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
When you have community or family or people that you
love in that space. And it made me realize that, oh,
you really need all the people that you love around
you and anywhere I can feel like home. So I'm
just living day by day and very much so realizing
that life is just not in your control a lot
(03:04):
of the times, you just have to go with the
flow and just let things be.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
Did I expect to be in London at this time
of year?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
No?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Am I happy about it? Actually? Yes?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
And I think it's showing me and teaching me for
my body and my mind and the way that I
want to connect to people. It's actually taught me so much.
Since I've been here and Jay has been on tour
and he recently came back. He's been back twice since
I've been here. Oh, we actually went away to Italy
for a short period. It was just three days, but
(03:34):
it was really nice to get away together and have
time to reconnect. And that's actually how through our relationship
we have been able to connect, even though we have
had a lot of time apart. So at the beginning
of our relationship, Jay would travel a lot for work
and I would still be in New York or when
we moved to la whether it was him going on
tour or me coming back here or him traveling for work,
(03:58):
we actually have had quite a few gaps away from
each other and so a rule that well, Jay came
up with this, but it was a very good rule
that I also agreed to, so I guess I played
part in it. He said what we should do is
every month we should go away for a distance which
was less than two hours away for a minimum of
two days, just to get a moment of reconnection. And
(04:19):
so we haven't been able to keep that up that
much recently, but just having a couple of days of
connection when you've had time away from each other is
so needed and so wonderful. And so we went away
to Italy for a couple of days and we got
to wander around Rome, went to some delicious restaurants, and
it was the first time Joe was okay without having
a plan. Usually he's the planner, he wants everything mapped out.
(04:42):
But it was just so nice going with the flow
and just having the ability to wander around, be with
each other, actually speak to each other, catch up, and
so we had that and then he's going to come back.
It's my birthday coming up on the thirtieth of July,
and it's the first time I'm going to have been
in London with my family for my birthday in over
(05:04):
eight years. And so what I'm planning to do is
do something that I used to do when I was
younger for my birthday, So go to my local park
or in my mom's garden, have some barbecue pizzas and
play some games like rounders and family competitive games.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
And that's honestly all I really want to do.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Another thing I want to do, which I used to
do when I was younger, is strawberry picking on my birthday.
The best memory I have of my birthday is when
my dad would take time off work on my birthday
and we'd go strawberry picking. And that sounds so British,
doesn't it, But it's because strawberries are the best during
this time, so we'd go strawberry picking and then we'd
come back. My mum would make some frozen yogurt ice
(05:46):
cream from the strawberries, and we'd sit play games and
have fun in the garden. So that's what I'm planning
to do for my birthday this year. But anyway, going
back to the topic that this podcast is supposed to
be about, is about something that I've recently become extremely
aware of, and that is the colossal amount of times
I say like or when speaking, especially when I listen
(06:08):
back to my own podcasts or even when I'm in
conversation with others.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
I can hear it.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
It's like I'm observing myself in the back of my mind,
but I'm unable to stop myself from doing it. Sometimes,
even when I'm finishing sentences, I end it with so
yeah or uh, what was I going to say, even
though I wasn't going to say anything. So I started
thinking about that and I think a big part of
it comes from carrying the conversation to the next place.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It felt like something that I wasn't really.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
In control of, but I think I was using it
as a way to continue the conversation onto the next place,
or to fill gaps, and it had become a habit.
But honestly, a habit isn't created. It doesn't just appear
or just happen. It's created over time and with a lot,
a lot, a lot of repetition. So me being me,
I started thinking about where on earth did I pick
(06:57):
up this language from and how am I only us
noticing it? And I did try blaming it on the
American culture. I have been in America for eight years now,
and so I'm sure I picked up a few things
from there. But you know what, there's only so far
you can get from blaming others. But also it showed
me how much you can collect things throughout your life
without even noticing it, and how careful and aware that
(07:20):
means we have to be in our surroundings. But anyway,
I brought this up to Jay recently and he gave
me some solid advice. As usual, he said he went
through a phase of working on that too, and he
found two really simple techniques that made all the difference,
and that was slowing down and pausing. It was literally
just those two things, slowing down in my speech, in
(07:43):
my sentences, thinking before I'm speaking, and then pausing and
allowing there to be pauses and silences between those sentences.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
So when it comes to slowing down.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Really it's because when you end up speaking too quickly,
it can lead to all these filler words that you're using.
So when you slow down your pace and you allow
your brain to catch up with the words that you
are saying or are or like, are most of the
time users placeholders while we end up gathering our thoughts
or we're deciding.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
On what to say next.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
So if you substitute the arms for just pauses or
silent moments, it can literally solve ninety percent of your
army and eyeing, which.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Sounds so simple, right, But it's taken me.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Such a long time to even get into the habit
of doing that, to not fill those silences or fill
those gaps. So I've really been working on slowing down
my speech. I have had a fair bit of feedback,
especially on my podcast, when I'm speaking like I'm already
on two X, and it is a symptom of my
nerves and anxiety in those moments. And to be honest,
(08:45):
when we do that in person or when we're in conversation,
it could also be a reflection of our nerves because
our speech is usually the slowest, and we're the most
comfortable around the people that we are the most comfortable around.
So if you're in a social setting that you're already
feeling anxious or not, it's likely that just like our
breath changes when we're in situations where we feel uncomfortable,
(09:06):
our speech also changes. It's kind of the same thing.
And so one of the techniques that I've been using
is as soon as I hear myself doing it, I
start taking deeper breaths between sentences to regulate my nerves.
I've noticed myself doing that when I am in podcasts,
where suddenly I become really hyper aware of the fact
that I am speaking so fast, and I just take
(09:30):
a breath, and just by taking that simple breath, it
makes me so much more aware of the pace that
I'm going at and also forces me to slow down.
So taking deep breaths between sentences, even if you're not
used to taking gaps. A breath can help you to
fill that gap in a way that isn't umming, eyeing,
or liking. I've also only been doing this for over
a week now consciously, and just by doing those two things,
(09:53):
my whole speech has transformed, and it really feels like
as if it has given more power in myself. I
actually recently heard this podcast by on Jay's podcast. Actually
this lady Korsadia Khan, and not only is she obviously
so intellectual and is so good at taking psychology and
(10:14):
making it feel useful and applicable and understandable, but the
power really came from her ability to speak so clearly
and throughout the whole time I was listening, she did
not have one filler word in between her sentences, and
so I actually realized how much more confident you can
sound and how much clearer you can be just by
(10:36):
taking out those filler words. So actually not only makes
you feel more confident, but I think the person receiving
the information is able to hear you clearer, and you're
able to articulate yourself and put across your point so
much better. By creating this slower pace and removing all
of these filler words, it feels more intentional and easier
(10:56):
to understand. But anyway, I bought this up today not
give you a speech lesson, but it took me into
deeper thoughts of this idea, of the need we get
to fill silences and the discomfort silence can invoke inside
of us. We think it's a discomfort in the moment
with another person, but actually sometimes it might be showing
(11:17):
us a discomfort that we feel in ourselves. My sister
told me this story about being at this retreat and
one of the exercises was grabbing someone else in the
retreet and sitting opposite them to stare into each other's eyes,
just maintaining eye contact for sixty seconds.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
That's one minute.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
One minute can go so fast, but when it comes
to something like this, it sounds so simple, But I
have tried to do this before, and it can feel
so uncomfortable. Those sixty seconds feel like five minutes. And
she told me I actually made her well up into tears,
and the person opposite her said, what is it that
you don't want me to see?
Speaker 2 (11:55):
What is it that you do not want me to see?
Why is it that you're feeling so uncomfortable?
Speaker 1 (11:59):
In this innner, and so I started thinking about that
for me, what is it that I don't want people
to see through the silences?
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Is it that I'm boring?
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Is it so that they don't lose interest and move
on to the next conversation.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Is it so that they don't see me thinking?
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Because thinking might look like I don't really know what
I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
But that question is such a great question. What is
it that you do not.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Want people to see in the silences? And I think
it's applicable in many different ways. What is it that
I don't want this person to notice about me? Whether
it's in a dating situation, whether it is in an
intellectual situation, whether it's in a social setting.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
What is it that I'm.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Trying to hide or avoid through this continuous conversation without
these gaps where they can actually see me or hear
me for who I am. And actually, this exercise that
they did at the retreat is such a good one
to do with someone that you think you're close to
a partner, or your mom or your sibling, to see
if you can actually sit with them in silence, not
(12:58):
distracted on your phone. We're really just looking into each
other's eyes. Actually, think about it now, When was the
last time you did that with someone that you think
you're close to, even your partner, When was the last
time you sat for sixty seconds and just looked into
each other's eyes just like this, like I am with
you right now. It can be really difficult, and I
think it can invoke a lot of emotions just by
(13:20):
that connection, because we don't get that kind of connection usually.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Our connection is so distracted.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
It's filled with external stimulus, whether it's our phone, whether
it's the TV, whether it's listening to music in the
background while we're spending time with someone.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
And so this one on one.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Connection of eye contact, I think it can make you
feel almost too seen. It can make you feel really
uncomfortable in that situation. And you know, this idea of
filling the gaps is kind of similar to that feeling
when you volunteered too much information about yourself in those
situations that you actually didn't want to share or had
no intention of sharing that information with people, but for
(14:00):
some reason, to fill the gaps, you end up sharing
a little bit too much and leaving that space like
why did I even say that?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Or why did I tell anybody that I didn't even
want to talk about that in that moment.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
And so since I've started putting it into practice, i
will be in conversation and I'll catch myself about to
say and instead I just pause or completely slow down.
And at first it feels really awkward, like I'm glitching
in some way. But the more that I practice, the
more comfortable that I get with it. Just letting the
(14:34):
silence be there, letting myself think from sentence to sentence,
letting others wait for what I actually have to say,
letting there be space between my thoughts. And honestly, I
think it makes me a better listener too, because I'm
not just sitting here preparing what I want to say next.
I'm actually with the other person instead of performing for them.
(14:54):
There's a psychological term called self monitoring, and it's basically
when we constantly adjust our behavior to fit into the
situation that we're in. And so people who are used
to being self monitors are hyper aware of how they
are coming across to other people. So they scan for reactions,
they tweak their tone, they fill their gaps and make
sure there are no awkward moments. And it's not necessarily
(15:14):
a bad thing. It can actually make you a person
that's easier to talk to, or seem more dynamic or charismatic,
but it can also mean that you may end up
coming away from conversations feeling like it wasn't really you
talking in that space, because you're always performing, even in
those microways, and so in a weird way, these fill
of words are kind of just these mini performances in
(15:36):
between the sentences that we are trying to actually speak.
They're subtle ways of saying, don't worry, I'm actually still here,
I'm still engaging, or a way to say I haven't
lost your attention, have I Please do not disconnect. And
it reminds me of this quote by this stoic philosopher Epictocus,
and I never say his name right, but he says
something like, it's not events themselves that disturb us, but
(15:57):
our judgment about them. So we get uncomfortable in silence,
not because silence is inherently uncomfortable or awkward, but because
we have judged it as being awkward.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
We tell ourselves they must be bored, or I'm not
doing enough, or I sound a little bit unsure.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
But actually, if I think about the people that I'm
the most captivated by when they're speaking or in conversation
with it is actually people who do practice this. There's
a kind of quiet confidence in someone who pauses, in
someone who takes the time to think about their next sentence.
It says, I'm not rushing to prove myself. I'm not
afraid to take my time. It's powerful. The people who
(16:35):
don't rush to speak are often the ones that we
tune into and listen to the most, because when they
finally do say something, you know that it's going to
be real. And actually, when you speak to someone who
doesn't stop talking, you probably feel less connected because it
feels like there's no space for reciprocation, and connection requires reciprocation.
Even in a five minute conversation, you can either come
(16:56):
away from that thinking, God, I don't think I got
one word in or I don't really feel connected to
that person, But as soon as there's been an interaction
which requires reciprocation, you feel more connected in that moment.
I think there are so many different ways that we
hide behind our anxiety, that we try to cover up
how we're actually feeling in the moment, and obviously this
(17:17):
is something that can be habitual For me, it was
a mixture of feeling anxious in social settings where I
think I probably spoke too fast, or being nervous when
I go on to podcasts and I'm trying to make
sure I get all the things in at the right time,
and that I feel like I'm giving enough information to
people to make it worthwhile for them to listen to.
(17:40):
And so the faster I speak and the more things
I say, the more I felt like that was happening.
But really, this episode isn't really about the ums and likes,
even though it started out like that. It's really about
presence and a reminder that you should feel safe with
yourself even when there is nothing to say. It's about
learning that you don't need to feel the gaps to
(18:00):
be worthy of being part of a conversation, and to
ask yourself the question regularly when discomfort comes through in
these moments, what am I wanting them to not see
or experience about me through these silences? So I hope
this little nugget that I've been thinking about brought some
sort of thought or intentionality to your speech. In the
(18:23):
way that you carry yourself, in the way that you
communicate with other people.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
It's definitely been.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
It has definitely been difficult to work on, and I
obviously haven't perfected it yet it's been one week, but
I do think that it has created a lot more
connection in the moments when I have spoken to people
trying to disconnect from these filler words and trying to
be seen in the way that I actually am. And
so thank you so much for listening. I hope you
enjoy this podcast, and if you did, then please go
(18:50):
ahead and subscribe and share this beautiful podcast where we
are trying to help you go through all these little things,
from filler words to the harder things in life together
so you don't feel like you are doing it alone,
because Lord knows, life comes with its challenges, and it's
so much nicer when you can go through it with
other people.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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