March 4, 2025 • 26 mins
How often do you look at old photos and think, I looked so much better then?
It’s so easy to romanticize the past, to hold onto this idea that our younger self was somehow better—but was she actually happier? Did she feel whole, confident, and at peace? Or was she just as self-conscious, just as critical, just as unsure?
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, I dive deep into something I’ve been working on myself—grieving the past versions of me while learning to fully embrace the woman I am today. We’ll talk about why aging feels so daunting, how society tricks us into believing our worth fades with time, and the mindset shifts that can truly set us free.
I also share the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my grandma, who at 90 years old is the most beautiful, vibrant force of nature—inside and out. Because here’s the truth: our value isn’t tied to how we look, how young we are, or how much we’ve changed. It’s about how deeply we live, love, and grow.
So if you’ve been feeling like you’re losing parts of yourself with time, this one’s for you. Let’s shift that perspective, together.
What Was Discussed:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:21 The one lesson that changed how I see aging
- 03:40 Why are we afraid of growing old?
- 05:36 What if aging is actually a gift?
- 07:18 The mindset shift that changed how I see aging
- 11:19 My grandma’s secret to thriving at 90
- 13:02 Were you really happier when you were younger?
- 15:05 Why “You don’t look your age” isn’t a compliment
- 16:11 How to actually enjoy the age you’re in
- 18:35 Three truths to remember when you feel insecure
- 20:30 How embracing aging helps you embrace yourself
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I need you to hear this truth.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Okay, I really need you to hear this and actually
believe it. And if when I'm saying it to you
you do not believe it to your core, I'm going
to need you to say it to yourself every single
day until you do.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
The truth is that.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Your value or worth has absolutely nothing to do with
how you look or how young you are. I'm Raley
Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we
embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw,
unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune
in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Today, I
(00:35):
wanted to talk to you about something that I've been
experiencing as the years have gone on. You know, I
hit my thirties a good few years ago. I'm currently
thirty four, and I find myself doing this thing where
I'm looking back at pictures of myself from even a
year ago, maybe miss six months ago, five years ago,
and zooming in and analyzing all the little differences between
(00:57):
the me then and the me now. And I don't
know whether you guys can relate to that, but it
is such a difficult pattern to get out of When
you become used to doing that, it's like a picture
of you pops up, but instead of looking at it
back as a wonderful memory, which it could be, you
end up looking at it as I was so much
more beautiful than.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Than I am right now. And your mind can really spiral.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I actually found myself afterwards just feeling a bit disappointed
and annoyed at myself, but thinking that way because I
feel like I've worked so hard on myself to be
more accepting of so much of my body and spend
a lot of my time focusing on growth, and then
in these little micro moments, I notice myself going back
into this well wind and pattern of negative self talk
(01:42):
and comparison and putting myself down. And honestly, it's getting
a little bit disappointing now. And I really want to
make a shift in my mindset, because the truth is,
and maybe in my thirties now, but do I want
to spend the rest of our sixty years that possibly
are ahead of me with the same mind set constantly
thinking about how much better I looked back in the day.
(02:04):
And I don't want to be part of the problem
if I think that myself. How can I be encouraging
women to embrace themselves and actually love themselves when I
am judging myself in that way on a daily basis,
And so I really want to make a shift. So
I've really been working on it lately, and I thought
it could be something that many of us have struggled with.
So I wanted to share my experience and my thought
process that I've gone through to really help embrace this
(02:26):
beautiful thing that is aging. And you know, it's so
interesting because when I talk about this with people who
are older than me, they're like, oh.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
My goodness, you're so young.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
And when I talk about this to people who are younger,
some of them just can't relate. And so I think
there's this shift that you go through if you're in
your thirties and maybe in your forties, where you start
to notice these things. But I think it has the
potential to go on for years and years if we
don't start addressing it and finding ways to really overcome
those thoughts and become better in the way that we
(02:56):
speak to ourselves. I also believe that the only time
people can really and make change from the words that
you say is when you're really living it yourself. And
I remember, there's this definition that my teacher, rather than
Asswami once gave and it stuck with me ever since,
and I feel like it is my constant goal and
my constant.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Aspiration to be this way.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
He said that people will only feel your words to
their heart and want to make a shift in their
life from the things that you say when you live
with true integrity. And true integrity is when our words,
our actions, and our thoughts are.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
All in alignment.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
And every time I think about that, you know, it
brings me back to the idea of how can I
be saying all these things and empowering women and trying
to help people accept themselves if I don't do that myself.
You know, people say living in LA makes it worse,
but I'm honestly not sure. You know, every time I
tell people that I live in LA or I go
back home to my friends, they have this perception of
what LA is like. You know, it's so material, it's
(03:52):
you know, everyone's got plastic surgery and everyone's done this
to their body and this to their body. But I
honestly think innately, this fear of aging is not link
to a specific place I think it's actually in every
single one of us, no matter what town you live in,
no matter what city you're in, no matter whether people
are doing a lot more plastic surgery around you or not,
there's this fear of aging. Because I actually think that innately,
(04:14):
this fear of aging is linked to knowing as each
year goes on, it brings us closer and closer to
the one thing that we do not want to think about,
and that's death. And I think that this deep rooted
fear comes from that. It's us trying to avoid thinking
about it, and inevitably, it is kind of true, the
more we age, the closer we get to death. But
why does that have to feel like such a daunting,
scary thing? And so I think something that's really helped
(04:37):
me as I've read and deeper my spiritual practice in
The Vaders. It says that there are three things that
are certain in life birth, death and old, age and disease.
And so when you come to terms with the fact
that those three things are always going to be part
of life, like that is just a given in some
shape or form that's going to enter our life, you
(04:57):
start to come to terms with it and you start
to create a narrati in your mind that is not,
oh my gosh, I can't have this in my life.
And if I feel my body changing and my things
starting to ache, that this isn't part of the plan.
But if you realize it is part of the plan,
there's a slight solace that comes with that. So really
starting to acknowledge and understand where this deep booted fear
(05:17):
comes from, which is aging, which leads to death, and
then starting to understand it, like we always fear things
that we don't know, and so if you also start
to understand and learn from people and hearing about their experiences,
it can really lessen our fear around something because we
start to understand it and it doesn't become such a
foreign thing to us. So if you're expecting a really
(05:38):
sweet episode comforting you, unfortunately it's not going to be
that episode because the fact is we are aging every
minute every day. I know it's not always glamorous, the
changes in your face, maybe the little wrinkles around your eyes,
the gray hairs, your bones cracking, but avoiding it actually
just adds to your anxiety of it and fearing it
your whole life. Honestly sounds like a nightmare that I
(06:00):
do not want to spend my precious life living.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
So where does that leave us?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Well, firstly, knowing that every single person experiences it means
that we are all going through the same thing together
and that it is supposed to happen this way. And
in my spiritual practice, it says that the aging body
is here to teach us detachment. If we didn't see
our body age, we may not realize how valuable time
really is. And if we didn't see the body weaken
or change in some way, we wouldn't remember just how
(06:27):
temporary this body is and have a reason to tune
into our heart or our soul, that urgency that we
feel to connect deeper to our friends, to our family,
our partners, the intensity that we feel to deepen our
spiritual practices and our connection with God. If we didn't
see ourselves age, would we really have that urgency to
do any of those things? You know? It's so interesting
(06:49):
because we're constantly told that time is arguably the most
valuable resource that we have, but for some reason in society,
we're also told that the more we accumulate time, the
less valuable we are. Getting older is years and years
of building on the wisdom that we learn the experiences
that we have. But for some reason, we start getting
scared of it just by seeing the lines that start
(07:10):
appearing on our face or the changes that we see
in our body, instead of appreciating all the things that
we have gained from those years. And so I need
you to hear this truth. Okay, I really need you
to hear this and actually believe it. And if when
I'm saying it to you you do not believe it
to your core, I'm going to need you to say
it to yourself every single day until you do. Actually,
(07:32):
you should be saying this every single hour, every single
day until you do believe it, because if you say
something enough, you will end up believing it eventually. And
so this is something you need to start saying. The
truth is that your value or worth has nothing to
do with how you look or how young you are.
Your value may change shift or look different at different
(07:52):
stages of life, but each is just as valuable, if
not more valuable, as time goes on. Also, I don't
know about you, but if we're in our thirties starting
to fit aging, that's a possible sixty years more living
in this fear and anxiety, and I refuse to spend
those years living through fear. I'm just not doing it.
A big part of this is acceptance and finding the
(08:13):
positive thought patterns where the negative ones once lived. So
if you look in the mirror and just see your
new rink calls and think oh damn, instead of thinking damn,
I must have been smiling so hard in life to
get these bad boys, or thinking I was.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Beautiful then, but I'm also beautiful now.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
You know.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
The thing is every single wrinkle or line on our
face is actually caused by expression.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
You can call them expression lines instead to at least
change that thought, like, instead of a rink calese, start
calling them expression lines. So wouldn't it be so sad
if you had lived your whole life without expression? Like,
what would the meaning of life even be? What would
life have been without expression without the crying and the
laughter and the anger and all those emotions that created
the experiences that formed.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Who you are?
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Now, how boring would life have been. It's literally like botox.
Botox freezes your face so it doesn't move intensely during
moments of expression. So when someone has a little bit
too much botox, you don't really know whether they're sad, mad,
or happy. So when you look in the mirror and
you see those expression lines and you are rejecting them,
you're essentially saying that you want a botox your whole
(09:20):
entire life. You want to erase all the experiences the
expression that you have had. But no, life is so
dynamic and so are our emotions. The lines on our
face are just a beautiful depiction of that. I also think,
of course there is acceptance, but there's also focusing on
the positive habits too. That is what's honestly been a
game changer for me. And so what I mean by that,
(09:41):
it's not the positive thoughts, it's positive action. So I
know I want to be the strongest, healthiest version of
myself every year. And for many people, they think, oh,
as I get older, I'm going to get weaker and
I'm going to age, and you have this view of
what aging looks like. But no, for me, I'm stronger
in my thirties than I was in my twenties. I
can do a pull now, which I never could do
when I was in my twenties. I'm healthier and fitter,
(10:04):
and I have learnt the things that work for my
body and don't work for my body. I've learned the
things that make my body thrive, that make me feel
nourished and healthy and well. I have more energy than
I had in my twenties. I feel far more vibrant
than I did in my twenties, and I feel more
comfortable in my skin than I did. Then, doing all
the things that you need to do to become and
embrace the most vibrant, healthy version of yourself is taking
(10:25):
action in this anxiety. The more you focus on the
things that make you actually feel good in your body
and in your mind, the healthier that you'll feel, and
the less you will fixate on the rest. Simply working
out and eating the right things can just help support
our natural collagen production and keeping us looking glowy and
healthy and vibrant. Really and truly, it's thinking one of
the things that are going to make me feel the
(10:46):
best version of myself and starting to incorporate them every day.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I always think.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
About it like this. I'm like, do I want my
skin to look perfect? Or do I want to be
able to pick up my own bags when I'm older?
Do I want to be able to swim when I'm
ninety years old, like my grandma was, Do I want
to be able to go meet my friends for a
coffee at the age of eighty and you'll have to
worry about getting in and out of a car with
my back aching? Like do I want to be self
sufficient when I'm in my sixties, seventies, eighteenes, nineties? I'm
(11:14):
be able to do everything for myself? And what do
I have to do now to create that life for
myself later? My grandma is ninety years old, and she
is the most beautiful vision of what being in your
nineties looks like. And if I think about what her
life has involved, it's involved so much.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
But some of the key things I've taken from it
are a.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Deep spiritual practice understanding that I am not this body,
I am the soul, and how can I create the richest,
most magnificent connection with God and my spirit. She also
doesn't just neglect her body when she's focusing on her
spiritual practices. She eats right, She fasts regularly. You know,
intimate and fastic has come out now, but fast thing
has been part of our culture and tradition and spiritual
(11:55):
practices for thousands and thousands of years. And my grandma
has many days of the week where she actually fasts.
She fasts from grains. She'll do full days of fasts,
and so she knows the things that physically also work
for her body. She may be doing them for spiritual reasons,
but I really think they've contributed towards her physical health too.
She walks every single day, she used to go swimming.
(12:16):
She has a social life. She has a little club,
not a club, not like a woo oooh club, but
like a social club that her and her friends go
to and they just think spiritual prayers together, and they
hang out and they eat together, and so all these things,
you know, connection with people eating well, my grandma is
so regulated in the way that she eats, whether it's
(12:37):
with the times or whether it's the types of foods
that she has on her plates every single night. So
whether it's the foods that we eat, the relationships that
we have, the physical activity that we do. Even if
it's a raining outside, my Grandma will be walking around
the house doing her rounds, making sure she gets her
steps in. And so all these things can really help
to contribute towards us not just feeling our best when
(12:58):
we're older, but also looking the best version of ourself too.
I think sometimes we also have this distorted version of
the past in our mind. You know, you look at
one photo when you start reminiscing over the past versions
of yourself, forgetting how self conscious you probably were even
in that state. So is it you getting older or
is it an overall unhealthy mindset shift that needs to happen,
(13:19):
Because actually, if I think about it, you know, when
I look back at these pictures and I'm like, oh
my gosh, this part of my body was so much
tighter back then, or whatever it is. Or my face
never used to do this if you can see me
on camera, but never use this scrunch together like it
does now. I also think back to those times, and
if I really think about it, I was so anxious
(13:41):
going into a room. I was so anxious about what
people were thinking about what I was wearing, Like there's
just so many added things that you don't remember. When
you look at one picture of yourself, you're looking at
your physical self, but like, were you even happy then?
And so really, whether you were your more beautiful self
and inverted commas back then, did that make any difference
to your enjoy your happiness. Were you just as miserable
(14:02):
then as you are now? And if that's the case,
it's actually not your physical body that's determining your mindset.
It's your mindset that needs to shift, regardless of what
version of yourself you are in. When I was younger,
what I wanted to do is look like a woman.
And then I became a woman, and I want to
look skinnier. And then I got to a certain age,
and then all you want to do is look younger.
This constant lack of contentment and acceptance can only shift
(14:25):
with daily changes in our mental conversation and consciously speaking
about things differently when you speak about yourself to other people,
when you talk about others to people, like, how are
you speaking about other people and the way that they look?
How are you speaking about yourself? When people compliment you,
whatever it is like, you really just start paying attention
of the words that you are choosing when you are
(14:48):
throwing them out or even having them in your head,
because you are creating the environment that you are in
just based on the thoughts and the words that you
are keeping around you. Whatever you say out loud is
still part of your environment, and whatever you keep into
Hanley is part of your environment, and so both of
those things have the ability to completely shift our mindset.
I've been working on shifting the language that I use, Like,
(15:08):
how many times have you heard or said, oh my god,
you don't look xx sex years old? You look so
much younger. But like, what does thirty four or twenty
five or fifty even look like? Every single twenty four
year old looks a little bit different, every single fifty
year old looks a little bit different. So when you're
telling someone, oh my goodness, you look so great, you
don't even look your age, well maybe they do look
(15:29):
that age, but they just look phenomenal. And so why
does age have to be linked to that. It doesn't
have to be you don't look your age. It can
just be you look magnificent. I think we're used to
saying it as a compliment in some way, but you're
really just feeding that narrative in your own mind and
in you know, society, that you only look beautiful if
you look younger because you look a specific age instead
(15:50):
a simple wow, you look gorgeous, your skin is gorgeous,
You are so vibrant, you oose confident energy. Those are
great compliments more so so then you don't look your age,
because at the end of the day, that then also
feeds their mind thinking, oh my gosh, I have to
stay looking this way, And so it's really actually not
a compliment. It probably just increases the anxiety that is
in the other person. Also, I was thinking about how
(16:12):
if you're constantly reminiscing and living in the past, thinking
that those are the good times, it's really you telling
yourself that there is no more goodness coming your way,
and why is it just downhill from here?
Speaker 1 (16:23):
It's absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
If you do feel that way, that might be a
sign that it's time to reignite your zest and excitement
for life. If you feel like your best ears are gone,
then you might need to redefine what brings you joy
and meaning in life, because there is so much more
to experience. There's so much more to live, and so
much more to feel fulfilled by. I promise you there
definitely is. You just have to have the desire to
(16:47):
see it and the eyes clear enough to recognize it
when it comes your way. And sometimes when I feel
like I've lost the vision for it, I honestly just
pray it. I'm like just give me the sight to
see all the goodness in life, Give me the sight
to see the blessings that come my way, because there's
so many times that things do come our way and
we're in such a bad space in life, or we're
in such a negative mindset that it just goes by
(17:09):
us and we don't even recognize it as a blessing.
If you are in a low space and you're constantly
thinking about the negatives in your life or feeling bad
about your own body. Honestly, prayer has been such a
beautiful thing for me to shift my mindset of just
please let me see the blessings that enter my life.
Please let me see the goodness that is in my
own body, that is in my own physical features. Like
(17:32):
open my eyes so I can see it, because there
is so much of it in you and outside of you.
It is so natural to feel nostalgic about the way
you look in your twenties or your thirties, But clinging
to the past just keeps you from appreciating the present.
And when you focus on what you've lost, you just
miss out on everything that you are gaining. Also, you know,
I absolutely love lately it's seeing all these incredible badass
(17:54):
women really showing us what it looks like to be
sexy and beautiful and phenomenal at every single stage of life. Life.
You know, whether it's Pamela Anderson, Jane Fonder like they're
so gangster, Alicia Keys goes on red carpets with no
makeup on, just skincare, and it's just amazing to see.
So if you are looking for them, there are plenty
(18:14):
of beautiful role models out there that are showing us
how it's done to feel comfortable in our skin. Kate
Winslet I recently saw interview with her. She is gorgeous
and she just talks about how ridiculous she thinks that
this narrative on aging is and she really defies it.
So there are so many beautiful examples if we are
seeking them. It just depends what we choose to absorb
and what we choose to take in through media. Shifting
(18:35):
your mindset around aging is not about blind optimism. It's
just about perspective. So here are some truths to hold
on to whenever your mind is spiraling. You are more
than your parents, Your value is not tied to your looks,
and aging does not diminish your worth. I want you
to listen again when I say this.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You're more than your parents.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Your value is not tied to your looks, and aging
does not diminish your worth. The second one is you
have gained tools for life. With age comes emotional intelligence, patience,
and ability to navigate challenges with grace. And the third
one is you are still evolving. Aging is not the end.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
It's a new.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Chapter filled with opportunities for growth and joy. So the
first one was you are more than your appearance, the
second one was you've gained tools for life, and the
third one was you are still evolving. You may need
to write them out, put them up on your mirror,
whatever it takes, but just have these as your reminders
whenever you are feeling down about your own physical body
(19:35):
or your appearance. And lastly, when you catch yourself longing
for the past, pause and ask.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
What do I love about who I am today?
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Shift your focus and help see yourself for who you
are today and find appreciation for it rather than think
about all the good things that you had. Because I
guarantee you you've probably incredible right now. You're probably an
amazing human being that has done so much in life
and there's so much more to give and so much
more to do. But if you're constantly thinking about the
good things that you had, you're not focusing on the
(20:03):
things that you actually have right now. And so every
single time you catch yourself in the past, say to yourself, well,
what do I love about who I am today? And
find your list? Okay, you better have a list by
the end of this week. I want you to have
a list of like, at least ten things. That's a
minimum of ten. Okay, I want you to have way
more things. Have your list of things that you appreciate,
(20:23):
love and value about yourself, and keep them as a
reminder somewhere the little list for you to go back to.
This is so interesting, Okay. So I have been a
little bit obsessed with chat GUPT lately. It scares me
a little bit, but I've also been learning how to,
you know, make it my friend. And so I wrote
into chat GPT I said, can you give me some
(20:44):
motivating words for women who are aging to really empower
them and help them to understand what it means to
have the beauty of aging? And it gave me the
most beautiful poem, and I'm going to read it to you, guys,
because if chat GPT knows it, you better know it too,
says the beauty of becoming. There is a quiet power
(21:04):
in the way a woman ages. It is not the
surrender to time, but the mastery of it. Each year
etched into her skin like poetry, each wrinkle a verse
of laughter, love and lessons learned. The world tells her
that youth is beauty, but she knows better. Beauty is
the way she rises again and again in the face
of loss, change, and the silent battles no one sees.
(21:27):
When she was younger, she's sort approval. Now she seeks truth.
She no longer asks for space, She takes it. She
does not shrink to fit the mold of what is expected.
She expands to become everything she was meant to be.
Aging is not fading. It is a becoming, a becoming
of wisdom, of grace, of a strength that does not waver.
(21:49):
She wears her years like armor and adornment, knowing that
every experience has made her more, more resilient, more fearless,
more herself. She is not past her prime. She is
step into it, and the world will learn to keep up.
First of all, chet GPT bravo, because that was a
pretty epic poem. But even more than that, I was
(22:09):
thinking after reading that, you know, one thing that really
motivates me to not give in to trying to change
my body in using surgeries or you know, God, or
the treatments possible that are out there, and try and
do things as naturally as possible. There's two things to it.
One is what example am I setting for my future children,
(22:34):
for my niece, my nephew, for the people that I
share content with online. You know, we all have a
circle of influence, the circle of the people that we
have the ability to impact. And whenever I think about that,
I think, however, I live my life as an example
to other people of how I think others should live
(22:54):
their life and for the people who even if it's
one person or ten people or a million people, it's
like I am setting that narrative an example to those people.
What is it I want to show them? And so
I've really held on to that when it's come to
you know, the little the little treatments that you can
get done, a bit of botox, bit of whatever else,
(23:15):
fillers whatever it is, and I really rebelled against it
rebelled against it in my mind, rebelled against it with society,
because I truly believe that if you don't start embracing it,
you're just you know, do I want my kids, my
little children, when I have them, to see me as
me or see me as this version that I keep
(23:36):
trying to chase. If I'm not comfortable in my skin,
how can I teach others to be? How can I
teach my children to be, my niece to be, my
nephew to be? And so that's one and the second
part to it. I speak about this a lot, but
it's because it's in my mind all the time, and
it's that if I don't start accepting myself now, if
I don't start accepting aging now, because as we said,
(23:58):
it is inevitable either avoid avoid avoid, and at some
point it accumulates and you have to have a mid
life crisis or a late life crisis where suddenly you
come to the realization that nothing more you can do
to your face or your body will keep you at
the age that you want to be, and then you
come to terms with aging or slowly, bit by bit,
(24:20):
wrinkle by a wrinkle, expression line by expression, line, ache
by ache, whatever it is, all the small, tiny, tiny
ways that aging becomes apparent to us, we embrace it
step by step, little by little, And I choose the
second one. I don't want to be attached to my
body so deeply that I'm constantly fixated on how I
(24:41):
can shift, change and adapt it to be the version
that I believe society wants me to be. I'd rather
accept it so I can embrace myself and then embrace
other people so deeply. And if I accept myself, have
the ability to accept others more deeply. So I heard
that this episode gave you a different perspective, and it
(25:02):
gave you encouragement to just love yourself deeper, because honestly,
the less we love ourselves, the more love we're putting
out into the world. And there is enough hate going
on in this world right now, and so just think of.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
It in that way too.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
The more that you accept and love yourself, the more
love and acceptance that you are giving out to other people.
And damn do we need it right now, like it
is so necessary, more so than ever. And so by
doing that for yourself and giving yourself grace, you're also
contributing to the world's consciousness and joy and happiness and
(25:36):
love that is being poured into the world. Thank you
so much for listening, sending your so much love, and
just remember that every single emotion that comes your way
has the ability to shape who you are, but also
that you can accept it, experience it, and then also
let it flow through you. It does not have to
live in you if you don't want it to. Thank
(25:57):
you so much and have a wonderful, wonderful weeks. He
I need you to hear this truth.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Okay, I really need you to hear this and actually
believe it. And if when I'm saying it to you
you do not believe it to your core, I'm going
to need you to say it to yourself every single
day until you do.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
The truth is that.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Your value or worth has absolutely nothing to do with
how you look or how young you are. I'm Raley
Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we
embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw,
unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune
in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Today, I
(00:35):
wanted to talk to you about something that I've been
experiencing as the years have gone on. You know, I
hit my thirties a good few years ago. I'm currently
thirty four, and I find myself doing this thing where
I'm looking back at pictures of myself from even a
year ago, maybe miss six months ago, five years ago,
and zooming in and analyzing all the little differences between
(00:57):
the me then and the me now. And I don't
know whether you guys can relate to that, but it
is such a difficult pattern to get out of When
you become used to doing that, it's like a picture
of you pops up, but instead of looking at it
back as a wonderful memory, which it could be, you
end up looking at it as I was so much
more beautiful than.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Than I am right now. And your mind can really spiral.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I actually found myself afterwards just feeling a bit disappointed
and annoyed at myself, but thinking that way because I
feel like I've worked so hard on myself to be
more accepting of so much of my body and spend
a lot of my time focusing on growth, and then
in these little micro moments, I notice myself going back
into this well wind and pattern of negative self talk
(01:42):
and comparison and putting myself down. And honestly, it's getting
a little bit disappointing now. And I really want to
make a shift in my mindset, because the truth is,
and maybe in my thirties now, but do I want
to spend the rest of our sixty years that possibly
are ahead of me with the same mind set constantly
thinking about how much better I looked back in the day.
(02:04):
And I don't want to be part of the problem
if I think that myself. How can I be encouraging
women to embrace themselves and actually love themselves when I
am judging myself in that way on a daily basis,
And so I really want to make a shift. So
I've really been working on it lately, and I thought
it could be something that many of us have struggled with.
So I wanted to share my experience and my thought
process that I've gone through to really help embrace this
(02:26):
beautiful thing that is aging. And you know, it's so
interesting because when I talk about this with people who
are older than me, they're like, oh.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
My goodness, you're so young.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
And when I talk about this to people who are younger,
some of them just can't relate. And so I think
there's this shift that you go through if you're in
your thirties and maybe in your forties, where you start
to notice these things. But I think it has the
potential to go on for years and years if we
don't start addressing it and finding ways to really overcome
those thoughts and become better in the way that we
(02:56):
speak to ourselves. I also believe that the only time
people can really and make change from the words that
you say is when you're really living it yourself. And
I remember, there's this definition that my teacher, rather than
Asswami once gave and it stuck with me ever since,
and I feel like it is my constant goal and
my constant.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Aspiration to be this way.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
He said that people will only feel your words to
their heart and want to make a shift in their
life from the things that you say when you live
with true integrity. And true integrity is when our words,
our actions, and our thoughts are.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
All in alignment.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
And every time I think about that, you know, it
brings me back to the idea of how can I
be saying all these things and empowering women and trying
to help people accept themselves if I don't do that myself.
You know, people say living in LA makes it worse,
but I'm honestly not sure. You know, every time I
tell people that I live in LA or I go
back home to my friends, they have this perception of
what LA is like. You know, it's so material, it's
(03:52):
you know, everyone's got plastic surgery and everyone's done this
to their body and this to their body. But I
honestly think innately, this fear of aging is not link
to a specific place I think it's actually in every
single one of us, no matter what town you live in,
no matter what city you're in, no matter whether people
are doing a lot more plastic surgery around you or not,
there's this fear of aging. Because I actually think that innately,
(04:14):
this fear of aging is linked to knowing as each
year goes on, it brings us closer and closer to
the one thing that we do not want to think about,
and that's death. And I think that this deep rooted
fear comes from that. It's us trying to avoid thinking
about it, and inevitably, it is kind of true, the
more we age, the closer we get to death. But
why does that have to feel like such a daunting,
scary thing? And so I think something that's really helped
(04:37):
me as I've read and deeper my spiritual practice in
The Vaders. It says that there are three things that
are certain in life birth, death and old, age and disease.
And so when you come to terms with the fact
that those three things are always going to be part
of life, like that is just a given in some
shape or form that's going to enter our life, you
(04:57):
start to come to terms with it and you start
to create a narrati in your mind that is not,
oh my gosh, I can't have this in my life.
And if I feel my body changing and my things
starting to ache, that this isn't part of the plan.
But if you realize it is part of the plan,
there's a slight solace that comes with that. So really
starting to acknowledge and understand where this deep booted fear
(05:17):
comes from, which is aging, which leads to death, and
then starting to understand it, like we always fear things
that we don't know, and so if you also start
to understand and learn from people and hearing about their experiences,
it can really lessen our fear around something because we
start to understand it and it doesn't become such a
foreign thing to us. So if you're expecting a really
(05:38):
sweet episode comforting you, unfortunately it's not going to be
that episode because the fact is we are aging every
minute every day. I know it's not always glamorous, the
changes in your face, maybe the little wrinkles around your eyes,
the gray hairs, your bones cracking, but avoiding it actually
just adds to your anxiety of it and fearing it
your whole life. Honestly sounds like a nightmare that I
(06:00):
do not want to spend my precious life living.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
So where does that leave us?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Well, firstly, knowing that every single person experiences it means
that we are all going through the same thing together
and that it is supposed to happen this way. And
in my spiritual practice, it says that the aging body
is here to teach us detachment. If we didn't see
our body age, we may not realize how valuable time
really is. And if we didn't see the body weaken
or change in some way, we wouldn't remember just how
(06:27):
temporary this body is and have a reason to tune
into our heart or our soul, that urgency that we
feel to connect deeper to our friends, to our family,
our partners, the intensity that we feel to deepen our
spiritual practices and our connection with God. If we didn't
see ourselves age, would we really have that urgency to
do any of those things? You know? It's so interesting
(06:49):
because we're constantly told that time is arguably the most
valuable resource that we have, but for some reason in society,
we're also told that the more we accumulate time, the
less valuable we are. Getting older is years and years
of building on the wisdom that we learn the experiences
that we have. But for some reason, we start getting
scared of it just by seeing the lines that start
(07:10):
appearing on our face or the changes that we see
in our body, instead of appreciating all the things that
we have gained from those years. And so I need
you to hear this truth. Okay, I really need you
to hear this and actually believe it. And if when
I'm saying it to you you do not believe it
to your core, I'm going to need you to say
it to yourself every single day until you do. Actually,
(07:32):
you should be saying this every single hour, every single
day until you do believe it, because if you say
something enough, you will end up believing it eventually. And
so this is something you need to start saying. The
truth is that your value or worth has nothing to
do with how you look or how young you are.
Your value may change shift or look different at different
(07:52):
stages of life, but each is just as valuable, if
not more valuable, as time goes on. Also, I don't
know about you, but if we're in our thirties starting
to fit aging, that's a possible sixty years more living
in this fear and anxiety, and I refuse to spend
those years living through fear. I'm just not doing it.
A big part of this is acceptance and finding the
(08:13):
positive thought patterns where the negative ones once lived. So
if you look in the mirror and just see your
new rink calls and think oh damn, instead of thinking damn,
I must have been smiling so hard in life to
get these bad boys, or thinking I was.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Beautiful then, but I'm also beautiful now.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
You know.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
The thing is every single wrinkle or line on our
face is actually caused by expression.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
You can call them expression lines instead to at least
change that thought, like, instead of a rink calese, start
calling them expression lines. So wouldn't it be so sad
if you had lived your whole life without expression? Like,
what would the meaning of life even be? What would
life have been without expression without the crying and the
laughter and the anger and all those emotions that created
the experiences that formed.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Who you are?
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Now, how boring would life have been. It's literally like botox.
Botox freezes your face so it doesn't move intensely during
moments of expression. So when someone has a little bit
too much botox, you don't really know whether they're sad, mad,
or happy. So when you look in the mirror and
you see those expression lines and you are rejecting them,
you're essentially saying that you want a botox your whole
(09:20):
entire life. You want to erase all the experiences the
expression that you have had. But no, life is so
dynamic and so are our emotions. The lines on our
face are just a beautiful depiction of that. I also think,
of course there is acceptance, but there's also focusing on
the positive habits too. That is what's honestly been a
game changer for me. And so what I mean by that,
(09:41):
it's not the positive thoughts, it's positive action. So I
know I want to be the strongest, healthiest version of
myself every year. And for many people, they think, oh,
as I get older, I'm going to get weaker and
I'm going to age, and you have this view of
what aging looks like. But no, for me, I'm stronger
in my thirties than I was in my twenties. I
can do a pull now, which I never could do
when I was in my twenties. I'm healthier and fitter,
(10:04):
and I have learnt the things that work for my
body and don't work for my body. I've learned the
things that make my body thrive, that make me feel
nourished and healthy and well. I have more energy than
I had in my twenties. I feel far more vibrant
than I did in my twenties, and I feel more
comfortable in my skin than I did. Then, doing all
the things that you need to do to become and
embrace the most vibrant, healthy version of yourself is taking
(10:25):
action in this anxiety. The more you focus on the
things that make you actually feel good in your body
and in your mind, the healthier that you'll feel, and
the less you will fixate on the rest. Simply working
out and eating the right things can just help support
our natural collagen production and keeping us looking glowy and
healthy and vibrant. Really and truly, it's thinking one of
the things that are going to make me feel the
(10:46):
best version of myself and starting to incorporate them every day.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I always think.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
About it like this. I'm like, do I want my
skin to look perfect? Or do I want to be
able to pick up my own bags when I'm older?
Do I want to be able to swim when I'm
ninety years old, like my grandma was, Do I want
to be able to go meet my friends for a
coffee at the age of eighty and you'll have to
worry about getting in and out of a car with
my back aching? Like do I want to be self
sufficient when I'm in my sixties, seventies, eighteenes, nineties? I'm
(11:14):
be able to do everything for myself? And what do
I have to do now to create that life for
myself later? My grandma is ninety years old, and she
is the most beautiful vision of what being in your
nineties looks like. And if I think about what her
life has involved, it's involved so much.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
But some of the key things I've taken from it
are a.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Deep spiritual practice understanding that I am not this body,
I am the soul, and how can I create the richest,
most magnificent connection with God and my spirit. She also
doesn't just neglect her body when she's focusing on her
spiritual practices. She eats right, She fasts regularly. You know,
intimate and fastic has come out now, but fast thing
has been part of our culture and tradition and spiritual
(11:55):
practices for thousands and thousands of years. And my grandma
has many days of the week where she actually fasts.
She fasts from grains. She'll do full days of fasts,
and so she knows the things that physically also work
for her body. She may be doing them for spiritual reasons,
but I really think they've contributed towards her physical health too.
She walks every single day, she used to go swimming.
(12:16):
She has a social life. She has a little club,
not a club, not like a woo oooh club, but
like a social club that her and her friends go
to and they just think spiritual prayers together, and they
hang out and they eat together, and so all these things,
you know, connection with people eating well, my grandma is
so regulated in the way that she eats, whether it's
(12:37):
with the times or whether it's the types of foods
that she has on her plates every single night. So
whether it's the foods that we eat, the relationships that
we have, the physical activity that we do. Even if
it's a raining outside, my Grandma will be walking around
the house doing her rounds, making sure she gets her
steps in. And so all these things can really help
to contribute towards us not just feeling our best when
(12:58):
we're older, but also looking the best version of ourself too.
I think sometimes we also have this distorted version of
the past in our mind. You know, you look at
one photo when you start reminiscing over the past versions
of yourself, forgetting how self conscious you probably were even
in that state. So is it you getting older or
is it an overall unhealthy mindset shift that needs to happen,
(13:19):
Because actually, if I think about it, you know, when
I look back at these pictures and I'm like, oh
my gosh, this part of my body was so much
tighter back then, or whatever it is. Or my face
never used to do this if you can see me
on camera, but never use this scrunch together like it
does now. I also think back to those times, and
if I really think about it, I was so anxious
(13:41):
going into a room. I was so anxious about what
people were thinking about what I was wearing, Like there's
just so many added things that you don't remember. When
you look at one picture of yourself, you're looking at
your physical self, but like, were you even happy then?
And so really, whether you were your more beautiful self
and inverted commas back then, did that make any difference
to your enjoy your happiness. Were you just as miserable
(14:02):
then as you are now? And if that's the case,
it's actually not your physical body that's determining your mindset.
It's your mindset that needs to shift, regardless of what
version of yourself you are in. When I was younger,
what I wanted to do is look like a woman.
And then I became a woman, and I want to
look skinnier. And then I got to a certain age,
and then all you want to do is look younger.
This constant lack of contentment and acceptance can only shift
(14:25):
with daily changes in our mental conversation and consciously speaking
about things differently when you speak about yourself to other people,
when you talk about others to people, like, how are
you speaking about other people and the way that they look?
How are you speaking about yourself? When people compliment you,
whatever it is like, you really just start paying attention
of the words that you are choosing when you are
(14:48):
throwing them out or even having them in your head,
because you are creating the environment that you are in
just based on the thoughts and the words that you
are keeping around you. Whatever you say out loud is
still part of your environment, and whatever you keep into
Hanley is part of your environment, and so both of
those things have the ability to completely shift our mindset.
I've been working on shifting the language that I use, Like,
(15:08):
how many times have you heard or said, oh my god,
you don't look xx sex years old? You look so
much younger. But like, what does thirty four or twenty
five or fifty even look like? Every single twenty four
year old looks a little bit different, every single fifty
year old looks a little bit different. So when you're
telling someone, oh my goodness, you look so great, you
don't even look your age, well maybe they do look
(15:29):
that age, but they just look phenomenal. And so why
does age have to be linked to that. It doesn't
have to be you don't look your age. It can
just be you look magnificent. I think we're used to
saying it as a compliment in some way, but you're
really just feeding that narrative in your own mind and
in you know, society, that you only look beautiful if
you look younger because you look a specific age instead
(15:50):
a simple wow, you look gorgeous, your skin is gorgeous,
You are so vibrant, you oose confident energy. Those are
great compliments more so so then you don't look your age,
because at the end of the day, that then also
feeds their mind thinking, oh my gosh, I have to
stay looking this way, And so it's really actually not
a compliment. It probably just increases the anxiety that is
in the other person. Also, I was thinking about how
(16:12):
if you're constantly reminiscing and living in the past, thinking
that those are the good times, it's really you telling
yourself that there is no more goodness coming your way,
and why is it just downhill from here?
Speaker 1 (16:23):
It's absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
If you do feel that way, that might be a
sign that it's time to reignite your zest and excitement
for life. If you feel like your best ears are gone,
then you might need to redefine what brings you joy
and meaning in life, because there is so much more
to experience. There's so much more to live, and so
much more to feel fulfilled by. I promise you there
definitely is. You just have to have the desire to
(16:47):
see it and the eyes clear enough to recognize it
when it comes your way. And sometimes when I feel
like I've lost the vision for it, I honestly just
pray it. I'm like just give me the sight to
see all the goodness in life, Give me the sight
to see the blessings that come my way, because there's
so many times that things do come our way and
we're in such a bad space in life, or we're
in such a negative mindset that it just goes by
(17:09):
us and we don't even recognize it as a blessing.
If you are in a low space and you're constantly
thinking about the negatives in your life or feeling bad
about your own body. Honestly, prayer has been such a
beautiful thing for me to shift my mindset of just
please let me see the blessings that enter my life.
Please let me see the goodness that is in my
own body, that is in my own physical features. Like
(17:32):
open my eyes so I can see it, because there
is so much of it in you and outside of you.
It is so natural to feel nostalgic about the way
you look in your twenties or your thirties, But clinging
to the past just keeps you from appreciating the present.
And when you focus on what you've lost, you just
miss out on everything that you are gaining. Also, you know,
I absolutely love lately it's seeing all these incredible badass
(17:54):
women really showing us what it looks like to be
sexy and beautiful and phenomenal at every single stage of life. Life.
You know, whether it's Pamela Anderson, Jane Fonder like they're
so gangster, Alicia Keys goes on red carpets with no
makeup on, just skincare, and it's just amazing to see.
So if you are looking for them, there are plenty
(18:14):
of beautiful role models out there that are showing us
how it's done to feel comfortable in our skin. Kate
Winslet I recently saw interview with her. She is gorgeous
and she just talks about how ridiculous she thinks that
this narrative on aging is and she really defies it.
So there are so many beautiful examples if we are
seeking them. It just depends what we choose to absorb
and what we choose to take in through media. Shifting
(18:35):
your mindset around aging is not about blind optimism. It's
just about perspective. So here are some truths to hold
on to whenever your mind is spiraling. You are more
than your parents, Your value is not tied to your looks,
and aging does not diminish your worth. I want you
to listen again when I say this.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
You're more than your parents.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Your value is not tied to your looks, and aging
does not diminish your worth. The second one is you
have gained tools for life. With age comes emotional intelligence, patience,
and ability to navigate challenges with grace. And the third
one is you are still evolving. Aging is not the end.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
It's a new.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Chapter filled with opportunities for growth and joy. So the
first one was you are more than your appearance, the
second one was you've gained tools for life, and the
third one was you are still evolving. You may need
to write them out, put them up on your mirror,
whatever it takes, but just have these as your reminders
whenever you are feeling down about your own physical body
(19:35):
or your appearance. And lastly, when you catch yourself longing
for the past, pause and ask.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
What do I love about who I am today?
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Shift your focus and help see yourself for who you
are today and find appreciation for it rather than think
about all the good things that you had. Because I
guarantee you you've probably incredible right now. You're probably an
amazing human being that has done so much in life
and there's so much more to give and so much
more to do. But if you're constantly thinking about the
good things that you had, you're not focusing on the
(20:03):
things that you actually have right now. And so every
single time you catch yourself in the past, say to yourself, well,
what do I love about who I am today? And
find your list? Okay, you better have a list by
the end of this week. I want you to have
a list of like, at least ten things. That's a
minimum of ten. Okay, I want you to have way
more things. Have your list of things that you appreciate,
(20:23):
love and value about yourself, and keep them as a
reminder somewhere the little list for you to go back to.
This is so interesting, Okay. So I have been a
little bit obsessed with chat GUPT lately. It scares me
a little bit, but I've also been learning how to,
you know, make it my friend. And so I wrote
into chat GPT I said, can you give me some
(20:44):
motivating words for women who are aging to really empower
them and help them to understand what it means to
have the beauty of aging? And it gave me the
most beautiful poem, and I'm going to read it to you, guys,
because if chat GPT knows it, you better know it too,
says the beauty of becoming. There is a quiet power
(21:04):
in the way a woman ages. It is not the
surrender to time, but the mastery of it. Each year
etched into her skin like poetry, each wrinkle a verse
of laughter, love and lessons learned. The world tells her
that youth is beauty, but she knows better. Beauty is
the way she rises again and again in the face
of loss, change, and the silent battles no one sees.
(21:27):
When she was younger, she's sort approval. Now she seeks truth.
She no longer asks for space, She takes it. She
does not shrink to fit the mold of what is expected.
She expands to become everything she was meant to be.
Aging is not fading. It is a becoming, a becoming
of wisdom, of grace, of a strength that does not waver.
(21:49):
She wears her years like armor and adornment, knowing that
every experience has made her more, more resilient, more fearless,
more herself. She is not past her prime. She is
step into it, and the world will learn to keep up.
First of all, chet GPT bravo, because that was a
pretty epic poem. But even more than that, I was
(22:09):
thinking after reading that, you know, one thing that really
motivates me to not give in to trying to change
my body in using surgeries or you know, God, or
the treatments possible that are out there, and try and
do things as naturally as possible. There's two things to it.
One is what example am I setting for my future children,
(22:34):
for my niece, my nephew, for the people that I
share content with online. You know, we all have a
circle of influence, the circle of the people that we
have the ability to impact. And whenever I think about that,
I think, however, I live my life as an example
to other people of how I think others should live
(22:54):
their life and for the people who even if it's
one person or ten people or a million people, it's
like I am setting that narrative an example to those people.
What is it I want to show them? And so
I've really held on to that when it's come to
you know, the little the little treatments that you can
get done, a bit of botox, bit of whatever else,
(23:15):
fillers whatever it is, and I really rebelled against it
rebelled against it in my mind, rebelled against it with society,
because I truly believe that if you don't start embracing it,
you're just you know, do I want my kids, my
little children, when I have them, to see me as
me or see me as this version that I keep
(23:36):
trying to chase. If I'm not comfortable in my skin,
how can I teach others to be? How can I
teach my children to be, my niece to be, my
nephew to be? And so that's one and the second
part to it. I speak about this a lot, but
it's because it's in my mind all the time, and
it's that if I don't start accepting myself now, if
I don't start accepting aging now, because as we said,
(23:58):
it is inevitable either avoid avoid avoid, and at some
point it accumulates and you have to have a mid
life crisis or a late life crisis where suddenly you
come to the realization that nothing more you can do
to your face or your body will keep you at
the age that you want to be, and then you
come to terms with aging or slowly, bit by bit,
(24:20):
wrinkle by a wrinkle, expression line by expression, line, ache
by ache, whatever it is, all the small, tiny, tiny
ways that aging becomes apparent to us, we embrace it
step by step, little by little, And I choose the
second one. I don't want to be attached to my
body so deeply that I'm constantly fixated on how I
(24:41):
can shift, change and adapt it to be the version
that I believe society wants me to be. I'd rather
accept it so I can embrace myself and then embrace
other people so deeply. And if I accept myself, have
the ability to accept others more deeply. So I heard
that this episode gave you a different perspective, and it
(25:02):
gave you encouragement to just love yourself deeper, because honestly,
the less we love ourselves, the more love we're putting
out into the world. And there is enough hate going
on in this world right now, and so just think of.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
It in that way too.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
The more that you accept and love yourself, the more
love and acceptance that you are giving out to other people.
And damn do we need it right now, like it
is so necessary, more so than ever. And so by
doing that for yourself and giving yourself grace, you're also
contributing to the world's consciousness and joy and happiness and
(25:36):
love that is being poured into the world. Thank you
so much for listening, sending your so much love, and
just remember that every single emotion that comes your way
has the ability to shape who you are, but also
that you can accept it, experience it, and then also
let it flow through you. It does not have to
live in you if you don't want it to. Thank
(25:57):
you so much and have a wonderful, wonderful weeks. He
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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