October 28, 2025 • 29 mins
Do you keep saying “yes” when every part of you wants to say “no”?
Are you exhausted from overgiving, overapologizing, and overextending yourself?
What if people pleasing isn’t kindness at all—but self-abandonment in disguise?
In this eye-opening solo episode of A Really Good Cry, Radhi Devlukia unpacks the truth about people pleasing: why it feels like safety but actually chips away at your self-worth, your energy, and even your relationships. Radhi breaks down the hidden cost of constantly putting others first, how it disconnects you from your authentic self, and why being agreeable doesn’t actually bring you closer to people—it creates distance.
With honesty and compassion, Radhi shares practical steps to start breaking free from the cycle: how to set boundaries, clarify your capacity, and pause before you say yes. She also explores the hard truth that other people’s reactions are not your responsibility—and why your integrity matters more than their approval.
This episode is about rebuilding trust with yourself, honoring your limits, and showing up as the real you—without guilt, fear, or apology.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why people pleasing is rooted in fear, not kindness
- How to recognize the physical signs that a boundary has been crossed
- Practical scripts you can use to say no without overexplaining
- Why resentment is your body’s signal that you’ve overextended
- How to rewrite the old story: “I need to please to be loved”
- Why doing less with the right intention matters more than doing more with the wrong one
If you’ve been disappearing into the version of yourself everyone else wants, this episode is your reminder that you are lovable, worthy, and enough—without having to earn it.
Follow Radhi:
https://www.instagram.com/radhidevlukia/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ
https://www.facebook.com/radhidevlukia1/
https://www.tiktok.com/@radhidevlukia
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Every single yes that you give to someone else ends
up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in
yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say
I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships
become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end
up falling in love with this agreeable version of you,
not the real you.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I'm rather d Wlukiah and on my podcast A Really
Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
comfort together.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
A Really Good Cry. When we try and get really
honest about health, healing and all the habits that can
really help to change our lives. Okay, I'm going to
ask you something and it may feel like it's completely
directed towards you.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
It's not, but it kind of is.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Okay, how many times have you said yes to something
when every single fiber of your being wants to say no?
How many times have you agreed to plans taken on
work or apology not because you wanted to, but you
were just trying to avoid conflict, to be liked, or
to keep the peace. If that felt like it was
targeted towards you, it probably was because you've opened this
(01:11):
podcast because you are possibly a people pleaser and you're
trying to break that habit just like I am. And
so we're going to do it together because if your
answer to any of either of those questions was yes,
it probably is a people pleasing issue that you've got
going on. To be honest, I think I've been a
people pleaser since I can remember, and it's always from
(01:33):
like the little things of what do you want to eat?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Oh? Nothing? What do you want to eat? I know
I want to eat pizza. Why am I not saying
I want to eat pizza?
Speaker 1 (01:40):
To the bigger things in life where you are suppressing
your once your needs in life because you have this
simple but really strong desire to be liked or loved
and you end up relating what you do for other
people or the words that you say to other people
with whether they're going to like, love you, or still
(02:01):
stay in your life. I think this is definitely an
episode that look is not going to take away your
people pleasing habits because it's something that's really deep rooted,
but I really hope that it helps you to work
through them, helps you to recognize where they are exhibiting themselves.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
The most, but also helps you to realize.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
That love and care and being liked is not dependent
on what you do for other people. And that's something
that's a relationship and a connection that takes a long
time to take a part to separate those two. But
at least hopefully this becomes the start of you thinking
about it and working through it. Look, here's the truth.
(02:39):
People pleasing is not actually kindness. It is self abandonment.
It is putting everyone else, everyone else's needs above your
own until you're left resentful, drained, and honestly invisible. So
today I want to break this down. Why do we
do it, what it costs us, and most importantly, how
do we stop it? Because living your whole life to
(03:02):
be liked is the fastest way to lose yourself. Trust me,
I've been there, I've done it. I'm currently in recovery.
So let's do this together.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
Shall we.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
And you know what, one of the biggest things I
think as a former slash still people pleaser, is that
we end up thinking that it is kindness, that we
are actually doing things that are nice for other people,
and of course it is.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
There is an element of.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
That, but a big part of it is actually fueled
by a deeper desire to be liked, And so when
you are doing things from a different intention, it actually
does have a different action and a different reaction, and
so people pleasing is actually not necessarily being kind. True
kindness is free flowing. It comes from a place of love,
(03:48):
and people pleasing ends up coming actually from fear. It
can look like saying yes when you mean no, overapologizing,
or you've done absolutely nothing wrong, taking responsibility for other
people's moods, maybe keeping quiet so no one else disagrees
with you. And most of us actually learn this from
a young age. I hear this a lot when therapists
are talking about people pleasing. They say, maybe it's how
(04:10):
you're raised. Maybe it's how you're praised when you were
younger for being the easy child. You're so easy going,
you never cause any trouble. Or maybe you grew up
in a house where conflict wasn't safe, so you just
learned to smooth things over just to survive. I heard
this therapist actually have a name for this, and it's
called the faun response. You've heard a fight or flight,
I'm sure, or even freeze, But fawn is when your
(04:31):
nervous system tries to keep you safe by pleasing others.
But the thing is, when you end up doing something
for someone else and you end up resentful. Is that
really giving? Is that really kindness? And the fact is
every single yes that you give to someone else ends
up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in
yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say
I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships
(04:53):
become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end
up falling in love with this agreeable version of you,
the real you, and so you're slowly chipping away at
this relationship that you're trying to build with yourself. You
end up being an unsafe space for yourself. It's literally
like a partner that keeps lying to you over and
over again. How unsafe do you feel with that person?
(05:13):
How unsure do you feel with that person? And so,
in the same way, if you start chipping away at
your own trust in yourself, you no longer feel safe
in your own body. In your own mind. And at
the end of the day, even if other people don't
know you're lying, you definitely know you're lying. Deep down.
Your body knows when you are not in agreement, in
alignment with what you truly want. And so you get
(05:35):
further and further away from yourself, and your relationships end
up becoming unbalanced and not true in connection because you
can't be true without truthfulness. And so whether it's with
yourself or whether it's with other people, you end up
thinking you're doing the better I totally get that. You
end up thinking you're doing the right thing, and you're
doing it for this other person. I'm just going to
(05:55):
be agreeable, and I'm just gonna not bring up things
when I feel conflict, and I'm going to over extend
myself to do things for this person, whoever it is, friend, relationship, father, mother,
whoever is in your life. But the problem is, because
there is an untruthful aspect to it, it actually does
not bring you closer. If anything, it will slowly build
(06:16):
a rift between your relationships with yourself or with the
other person. Because part of it is a little bit
of an act. Right, people end up falling in love
with this agreeable version of you that you've created, not
the real you, not the one, not the one who
has opinions and ideas and disagrees with things. It's not
It's this version of you that you might have molded
yourself to become because you believe that that's going to
(06:38):
keep people in your life. And you know what, This
can run so deep. It can be from this fear
of rejection. It can be this fear of if I
stop people pleasing, I will be abandoned. This person's going
to leave me if I end up saying how I feel,
saying what I want, being the person that I truly am.
Sometimes it can be tied to our insecurities, sometimes to
dependent personality traits. I'm going to depend on this person
(07:01):
to make me feel good about myself. But either way,
the route is the same. If I am not useful,
I am not lovable, and that is the essence of
people pleasing. If I am not useful to this person,
I am not lovable. But I need you to understand,
and this is the truth, that that is not true
at all. You have to separate the idea of being
(07:23):
useful and the idea of being lovable. That is just
something that you've been trained to believe or have had
a life where that has been shown to you in
some way, But that is so far from the truth.
So if you think about the traits of a people pleaser,
let me know if this ends up standing a little
bit familiar, always accommodating to others, rarely saying no, feeling
valuable only when you are complying, apologizing when no apology
(07:47):
is required, taking the blame when it isn't yours, making
excuses for other people, feeling anxious if someone's upset with you,
and over extending yourself, and you know how you know
you're over sending. It's when what you did out of
kindness leaves you feeling resentful or angry. That is not
being kind and that is not you being generous. That
(08:08):
is you doing something that you actually don't want to do.
And then the resentfulness and the anger is your body
and your mind telling you that you shouldn't have done that,
actually didn't want to do that, but you forced me
to do it, and your desire to be liked or
loved ended up trumping my desire to actually do this.
It's a sign that you have given more than you
had to give. You've given beyond your capacity and your ability.
(08:31):
So how do we break this pattern? How do we
even begin to break this especially if it's been so
deep rooted and lasted for so long. So the first
thing is you need to know your boundaries. It is
so important to know your limits and to establish these
clear boundaries and then communicate those limits. You have to
be really clear and specific about what they are and
what you're willing to take on in your life. And
(08:51):
if it seems like someone is asking for two months,
you have to be able to let them know that
it is over your limits of what you are willing
to do, and that you won't be able to help.
But knowing you need boundaries and actually knowing what they
are are two different things. So to set boundaries, you
need to know what your boundaries are, and if you've
not been used to setting them your whole life, you
(09:13):
may not even know what they are. You may not
even know how to start to figure out what they are.
And so to figure this out, you're going to need
to do a little getting to know yourself, a little
reflection every single day. So these are some things to
ask yourself and some things to consider.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Start off with your triggers. Notice when you feel resentful
or drained, or anxious or angry after saying yes, those
are clear signals that a boundary has been crossed. And
so notice when that happens.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Is it when you say yes to going out somewhere
when you don't have the energy to Is it when
someone asks you to do something for them and you
can't help but take full control of it? You know,
what is it that you do for other people or
even in your life that once you do, it makes
you feel resentful, drained, anxious, or anger after you've said yes,
(10:01):
sometimes even after you've completed the task. And once you
start recognizing this or becoming aware of it, it's actually
so easy to notice. It's like as soon as a
friend says, hey, could you pick me up from the
airport and you say, yeah, of course I will. After
you're like, oh my god, I have to do all
of this stuff, and now I have to go and
pick her up from the airport and that's going to
take an hour there and an hour back.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
I wish I hadn't said yes. That's your sign.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
That's your sign that you actually didn't want to say yes,
but you said yes because of this reason, or a
work colleague says, hey, do you mind just working a
little bit extra because I need to leave a little
bit early, and you say, yeah, of course, I will
whatever you need. And actually you had plans and you'd
already committed to something, and you wish you hadn't said yes,
but you did. And so whenever you notice this negative
(10:43):
reaction in your heart in your mind to where yes
that you have said, that is a sign that that's
a trigger for you, and that's a sign that that's
a boundary that you need to figure out. That feeling
is your body's alarm system. Saying a boundary was crust.
Another question that you should ask yourself is when did
I feel overextended this week? And what was the moment
I knew I didn't want to do it? So think
(11:04):
about all these times that you felt like you have
put too much of yourself into something, But then also
think about when was that moment I knew it? Was
it actually before I even said yes, I was already
saying no in my head, but I ignored it. Was
it after the action was done? Was it the moment
I said yes? Try and see where you start to
recognize your body or your mind actually resisting each moment,
(11:27):
each time that you've said yes or overextended yourself in
a way that you didn't want to.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Next up, you have to clarify what your non negotiables are.
Ask yourself, what do I absolutely need in my life
in order to feel safe, respected, and well? Write all
those things down. There might be lots on each list,
but know what you need in your life from yourself
and from others to feel safe, respected and well. For example,
I need one hour alone every single morning, or I
(11:51):
need advanced notice for plans, or I need to be
spoken to respectfully. What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
What are the non negotiable things that you don't want
people to be able to say to you or do
to you. I actually have two best friends in London
who we all well. Two of us have really similar
ways of spending time together. We're both very spontaneous. It
could be a hey, do you want to hang out
in like an hour? And our third friend, she is
(12:16):
someone who absolutely despises spontaneous last minute get together. She
wants to know a month in advance, a week in advance.
She wants to know exactly what time we're meeting. She
needs advanced notice like a lot, and we really struggled
with that at first, and then I realized I still
am quite bad at it because I'm just a very
spontaneous person. But it made me realize how important it
(12:39):
is to her because she really does want to spend
time together. But for her, having this advanced notice allows
her to prepare her mind, allows her to prepare her
time accordingly, so she can make sure that she's present
and there for us in the moments that we're going
to be spending together. And so it was something that
she has very clearly told us that I need notice
(12:59):
advance to notice whenever we're meeting, and we've had to
really respect that and appreciate that, even if it's not
something that I do normally for myself, because I care
about her and because she has actually had the ability
to set that boundary and tell us, I really respect that,
and I really have to respect it as a friend
because it takes a lot to even be able to
(13:20):
share something like that. Next up, you need to notice
when it is that you actually betray yourself, Like in
what moments do you end up over extending or saying
yes to things? Is it when you're really exhausted, when
you're agreeing to just keep the peace. Is it in
a work environment, is it in your home environment? Is
it in your relationship? Notice in what areas you are
(13:41):
most likely to give in or do your people pleasing tendencies.
We also have to be able to define our capacity,
because boundaries aren't just about what others can't do to you.
It's also about what you can realistically give. Sometimes it's
not about people crossing your boundary. It's about you giving
more than you can handle, or giving more than you
realize you have in you to be able to.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
And so you need to realize what your capacity is.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
So I remember when I was trying to make friends
in new environments. I'd keep trying to set up individual
time to spend with people to try and build a relationship.
And I realize that I'm actually I get quite exhausted
being around people often, especially with being at events and
social environments and things like that. And so I realized
I have a specific capacity for the amount of social
(14:27):
interaction I can do in groups and one to one.
And so now I know I can maybe meet someone
one to one maybe twice a week, but I can
do a lot more social gatherings where there's more people,
because it requires a lot less energy investment in that moment.
And so I'm really clear and specific now about how
many social gatherings I can say yes to when it's
(14:48):
a group setting or lots of people, and how many
times a week I can say yes to meeting someone
one on one. It's something that I've learned over time
where I don't want to be dreading going to see someone.
No one's got gun to my head saying you have
to go see this. So why am I ending up
saying yes to things that I don't want to go to?
Not fair on them because I don't come there with
the right energy, and also not good for me because
(15:08):
then I'm regretting saying yes and then feeling negative about
having this interaction with that person, when in fact, if
I said no, reschedule it for a time where would
probably have more energy, that'd be more beneficial for both
of us. And so, really figure out what your capacity
is and in the areas that you tend to struggle,
become really clear about what that looks like. And maybe
(15:29):
it is even like this many times a week situation
that you have to set with yourself.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
And that can be an energy, time or money. So
how much energy, time, money, or emotional space do I
actually have right now? And what does that mean?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, if my friend has an issue going on right
now in her life and she needs to call me
every single day, do I have the energy to handle
that right now?
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Do I have the time? This person wants to borrow
money off me? Do I have the money to give?
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Or am I really going to be overextending myself where
I then aren't able to support my own self. And
your capacity will shift with seasons of life, and so
your boundaries will too, and so you can continuously check
in with yourself because sometimes I have so much energy
to give to people, I could be unlimited having people
over here every single week, pouring into people, and then
at times I feel really depleted where I have to
(16:15):
become a hermit and I don't feel like being around anybody.
And so you have to be very in tune with
how you're feeling to really be able to allow that
capacity to shift, and also to be able to know
how many boundaries you need and where they should lie
or sit. Our body is telling us things all the time.
We just have to be able to listen your body
will tell you when a boundary is being crossed, whether
(16:36):
it's your tight chest and not in your stomach.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Physically, you will feel it.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Your face goes red, you feel drained and energy after
an interaction. Learn to treat those sensations in your physical
body as information and not just dismiss them as a discomfort.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
You know what.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
The next one is going to feel a little bit harsh,
But it's something I really had to drill into myself
because I think a big part of people pleasing you
also end up having a little bit of a victim mindset.
So you have to change and shift your mindset. You
have to stop telling yourself that you do so much
for people and that people owe you. Most of us
walk around with this invisible contract in our heads. If
(17:15):
I do this for you, you'll do this for me.
If I show up, you'll appreciate me. If I sacrifice,
you'll love me back. Everyone has their own little contracts
or agreements that you create in your mind to help
you feel good about yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
It's a really natural tendency for me.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It's like, oh, if I insert myself into your life
and I help resolve all your problems, then you can't
get rid of me. There forever, you're gonna have to
rely on me. You're gonna have to depend on me,
and then I become something that can't be removed from
your life.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
I have a habit of doing that.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Whether it's with my family, whether it's with friends, I
end up trying to insert myself to try and be
a fixer and solve their problems, and my mind if
someone's telling me their problems becomes a fixer mentality more
than it is I'm here to listen.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
I'm like, no, I'm going to help resolve this right now.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
But I had to detach from thinking what does this
person owe me in return?
Speaker 3 (18:06):
You're not giving to receive. That's not how giving works.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
You have to be willing to give to your capacity
that you can without the expectation of them giving you
the same back or anything back.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
To be honest, that is.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
The biggest lesson in disappointment is reducing your expectations to
very little or none. And if you are doing something
for someone, do not do it with something in mind
that you want in return, because then you're really not
giving with the right intention. And so it's not always
the other people that are in the wrong it's not
always the other people, because sometimes we put ourselves into
(18:39):
that situation. It's not always the other person that is
in the wrong. It's what we are choosing to do
for those people, even if we believe they don't deserve it,
and then we end up focusing on their lack rather
than the fact that we over gave and expected way
too much in return. So when you drop this belief
that people owe you, you actually can stop giving from
a place of transaction and start giving from a place
of choice and love. You stop saying yes because you're
(19:02):
secretly hoping for approval. And that's the thing sometimes usually
as people please, is you're not giving to receive the
same back. You're giving to receive what you want back.
You're giving to receive approval, stability, confidence that this person
isn't going to leave. And so when you don't receive that,
you keep pouring in, pouring in, pouring in, waiting to
(19:23):
receive that unsaid thing that they don't even know that's
why you're doing it. And so sometimes communication is so
necessary in friendships and relationships because you could be pouring
into this person they're thinking, Oh, that's just their love language.
They love giving in this way. They love planning things,
they love helping me. But really what you're not, what
they're failing to understand because you haven't told them, is oh,
(19:46):
I'm doing this because I need words of affirmation from you.
I need to know that I'm secure in this relationship,
and so I need you to show me I am.
And so that communication is really necessary. Otherwise you're doing
something expecting something back that they are completely unaware of.
And so when you're in that moment where you're put
in a situation and you are just about to do
a bit of people pleasing, we.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Have to learn how to pause before we respond.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Generally, people pleasers are automatic yes people. You end up
saying yes before you even think about what they're asking.
It's like, yeah, yeah, of course I'll do whatever you need.
I'll be there of being there in whichever way that
you need me to. So instead of a yes being
a reflex or a given to you without you having
even thought about what the person is asking, you need
(20:30):
this five second rule or like a moment of thought
before you end up responding. Actually makes you're far better
communicator too, but it also stops you from saying yes
to something that you're then gonna have to cancel later, which,
by the way, I used to do a lot. I
would say yes, yes, yes, There's so many things, and
then I'd actually end up looking really bad or not
being a good friend because I know in the time
(20:51):
I'm not going to do it. But it's easier in
that scenario for me to say yes, because later on,
when I'm not facing them, I could say no, when
actually it creates a better relationship if you just said
no in the first place and so have a five
second moment of thought, say hey, you know what, can
I get back to you later or let me check
my schedule and get back to you. Do you mind
(21:13):
if I take like a day or so to figure
out whether I have the ability to do that. There
are so many sentences that you can practice before you
say the word yes, and then your yes actually ends
up having more meaning. It's kind of like the Boy
who Cried Wolf, but in the opposite way. In the
opposite way, I guess where a lot of the time,
if you end up saying yes, yes, yes to things
and then you don't follow through, your yes actually carries
(21:34):
less weight, like it doesn't have as much meaning to
the person because they're like, oh, she's probably going to
cancel anyway, And.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
I used to get that a lot.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Oh yeah, okay, you sure you're going to come because
you're probably going to cancel the day before, And so
you have more weight and integrity to the meaning of
your yeses and your nose, and then your communication also
just gets so much better. Can I check my schedule
and get back to you, great line? Do you mind
if I let you know in about twenty four hours
that okay, literally a few sentences that can save your
(22:03):
sanity and also better your relationships. And look, these boundaries set.
This boundary setting thing can actually be really scary because
we're not used to it. And so it doesn't have
to be like huge boundaries. You don't suddenly have to
start building walls. It can be little micro boundaries. You
don't need to start with these big, dramatic nose. You
can honestly practice in tiny, tiny ways. Say no to
(22:25):
extra condiments at the cafe, say no to a project
that you may not have a capacity for, and then
every little no builds up this invisible muscle that helps
you say no in the times that really matter.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Each morning, you can.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Start off journaling one boundary that you're going to practice
that day and keep at the top of your mind.
And so then you could test out with small nose,
practicing no in lowest stake moments. So if it's declining
an invitation, maybe it's by message at first. If you're
not able to do it in person, maybe saying no
to people in person is what you find difficult. So
practicing no by message first, or try not explaining yourself
(23:00):
when you can't make it, like saying just no is okay,
or saying I can't.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Do it is okay.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
You don't need a whole story or a whole explanation
as to why it can simply be no and that's okay.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
It does not need the explanation.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
I used to do that a lot as people pleased
that I would end up over explaining why I can't
do something, and it's kind of like, actually, they didn't
need that.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
They probably didn't even want that. They just want to
know whether you're coming or not.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
But because you feel that bad and you want to
make sure that they're still in your life and that
they're not going to dislike you, you end up trying
to give them a reason to make sure that they
really understand why you are saying no. And so another
big part of this is learning to tolerate discomfort. That
is probably the hardest part because people pleasing is actually
about avoiding this discomfort, whether it's in yourself or whether
(23:45):
it's in the situation.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
But the fact is we live in a while is
where people are going.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
To be disappointed and annoyed and even angry, and that's honestly, okay.
Their reaction is not your responsibility, but you being true
to yourself and true to the situation is your responsibility.
That's the only part you can really control. And so
true growth means you have to sit in that discomfort
without rushing to fix it. And that's going to be
really uncomfortable, and that's not going to feel good, and
(24:09):
that's going to make you feel really crappy sometimes. But
it's also part of the journey of just being true
to yourself, because as soon as you start trying to
live your life according to how other people are going
to feel, you're not going to get it right.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
I'll tell you that.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
For now, you're going to think you know how to
do it. You're going to think you know how to
make that person happy. In that situation. But it's just
an impossible feat to win, it really is. And so
the only way you can be sure that you're doing
the right thing is by living with integrity, and that's
all you can really control. And then we have to
start rewriting this story that we've created over such a
(24:44):
long time, rewiring our mind and reframing what reality is.
The old story is I need to please to be loved.
The new story is I'm loved when I show up authentically,
whether I do or don't, and every single time I
honor myself I strengthen my relationship with myself for other people.
And that's what you need to realize. I'm loved whether
(25:04):
I do or don't. And when I show up authentically
every single time that I honor myself, I strengthen my
relationship with myself and with other people. Write it somewhere,
I say, every single day, and start creating this new
story and these new pathways in your mind that don't
link the two. And then it's a practicing little script
in the mirror. No thank you, that doesn't work for me. Actually,
(25:27):
I'm going to have to check that date. Is that okay?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
No?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Not?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Is that okay? Actually? It's just I'm gonna have to
check on that date.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
So try these little things that you can say to yourself,
either with friends or family that you feel comfortable with,
or just to yourself, no thank you. That actually doesn't
work for me. You can keep it short, keep it snappy,
keep it kind, but it can still be firm. You
don't need to over explain. And so those are just
little tips of things that I've been really reflecting on
and trying to do for myself. Of course, there are
(25:55):
going to be certain situations that make you feel really
uncomfortable and you're not going to get rid of this overnight.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
It's not something that just goes away.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
I actually think it's something I think that that lies
quite deep and it's something that you kind of have
to chip away at. But in little ways you can
make these little changes, and the more you do it,
the happy you're going to feel with yourself. Honestly, you're
going to feel freer. You're going to feel like there's
a less weight on your shoulder that you've put onto yourself.
And I think you have to realize that any relationship
(26:25):
that is based on what you do for that person,
and if it does mean that the only time you
do those things that they are in your life or
love you, that is a sign that it's.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Probably not the right type of relationship or friendship.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
And so as scary as that is, this will also
open your eyes to the type of relationships that you have.
And I will also say this that sometimes you create
that dependency and so it doesn't mean that person is
bad or that they have they're using you or trying
to get something from you. It's that you've created that
relationship with that person. And so just this, weat evolve
(26:59):
and shit, relationships can change too. And you can say,
you know, I don't think I want to do this
for you anymore, but I still really want to be friends.
And I don't think I want you to rely on
me like this anymore, but I would still love to
build our relationship. And so I think if people become
used to you being that person in their life, it
takes a little bit of retraining for them too. So
here is the truth that I want you to carry
(27:20):
away with you today. It is always better to do
less with the right intention than to do more with
the wrong intention.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
And that's why you have to keep in your mind.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
It is always better to do less with the right
intention than to do more with the wrong intention, Because
when you stop people pleasing and start honoring yourself, that
is when you stop disappearing and you stop losing who
you are and you get to finally start living as
you and people get to appreciate the real you. Actually,
I would say that me knowing myself better and me
having these boundaries and knowing who I am, what I
(27:51):
actually need from other people, what I need from myself,
has definitely improved my relationships. It's definitely helped me communicate better,
and it's made me like myself a lot more. And
to be honest, I think most of us struggle with
that the most. It's like, I want to be able
to like myself and love myself on a daily basis.
And the more you kind of go away with your
(28:11):
go further away from your own needs and go further
away from what your mind and body is telling you
it needs, the further you feel from yourself. And how
can you connect to other people if you don't feel
connected to your own self, body and mind. And so
I hope all of this helps you to connect back
to you, but also create better relationships with people around
(28:32):
us and let me know how it goes. That good luck.
It's going to be great and it's also going to
feel crappy at times. But I think if you clicked
on this podcast, you're definitely well on the way to
this journey of just becoming better for yourself and for
other people. Thank you so much for watching, sending us
(28:53):
so much love, and I hope you all have such
a wonderful, wonderful week.
Every single yes that you give to someone else ends
up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in
yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say
I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships
become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end
up falling in love with this agreeable version of you,
not the real you.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I'm rather d Wlukiah and on my podcast A Really
Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
comfort together.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
A Really Good Cry. When we try and get really
honest about health, healing and all the habits that can
really help to change our lives. Okay, I'm going to
ask you something and it may feel like it's completely
directed towards you.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
It's not, but it kind of is.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Okay, how many times have you said yes to something
when every single fiber of your being wants to say no?
How many times have you agreed to plans taken on
work or apology not because you wanted to, but you
were just trying to avoid conflict, to be liked, or
to keep the peace. If that felt like it was
targeted towards you, it probably was because you've opened this
(01:11):
podcast because you are possibly a people pleaser and you're
trying to break that habit just like I am. And
so we're going to do it together because if your
answer to any of either of those questions was yes,
it probably is a people pleasing issue that you've got
going on. To be honest, I think I've been a
people pleaser since I can remember, and it's always from
(01:33):
like the little things of what do you want to eat?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Oh? Nothing? What do you want to eat? I know
I want to eat pizza. Why am I not saying
I want to eat pizza?
Speaker 1 (01:40):
To the bigger things in life where you are suppressing
your once your needs in life because you have this
simple but really strong desire to be liked or loved
and you end up relating what you do for other
people or the words that you say to other people
with whether they're going to like, love you, or still
(02:01):
stay in your life. I think this is definitely an
episode that look is not going to take away your
people pleasing habits because it's something that's really deep rooted,
but I really hope that it helps you to work
through them, helps you to recognize where they are exhibiting themselves.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
The most, but also helps you to realize.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
That love and care and being liked is not dependent
on what you do for other people. And that's something
that's a relationship and a connection that takes a long
time to take a part to separate those two. But
at least hopefully this becomes the start of you thinking
about it and working through it. Look, here's the truth.
(02:39):
People pleasing is not actually kindness. It is self abandonment.
It is putting everyone else, everyone else's needs above your
own until you're left resentful, drained, and honestly invisible. So
today I want to break this down. Why do we
do it, what it costs us, and most importantly, how
do we stop it? Because living your whole life to
(03:02):
be liked is the fastest way to lose yourself. Trust me,
I've been there, I've done it. I'm currently in recovery.
So let's do this together.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
Shall we.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
And you know what, one of the biggest things I
think as a former slash still people pleaser, is that
we end up thinking that it is kindness, that we
are actually doing things that are nice for other people,
and of course it is.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
There is an element of.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
That, but a big part of it is actually fueled
by a deeper desire to be liked, And so when
you are doing things from a different intention, it actually
does have a different action and a different reaction, and
so people pleasing is actually not necessarily being kind. True
kindness is free flowing. It comes from a place of love,
(03:48):
and people pleasing ends up coming actually from fear. It
can look like saying yes when you mean no, overapologizing,
or you've done absolutely nothing wrong, taking responsibility for other
people's moods, maybe keeping quiet so no one else disagrees
with you. And most of us actually learn this from
a young age. I hear this a lot when therapists
are talking about people pleasing. They say, maybe it's how
(04:10):
you're raised. Maybe it's how you're praised when you were
younger for being the easy child. You're so easy going,
you never cause any trouble. Or maybe you grew up
in a house where conflict wasn't safe, so you just
learned to smooth things over just to survive. I heard
this therapist actually have a name for this, and it's
called the faun response. You've heard a fight or flight,
I'm sure, or even freeze, But fawn is when your
(04:31):
nervous system tries to keep you safe by pleasing others.
But the thing is, when you end up doing something
for someone else and you end up resentful. Is that
really giving? Is that really kindness? And the fact is
every single yes that you give to someone else ends
up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in
yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say
I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships
(04:53):
become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end
up falling in love with this agreeable version of you,
the real you, and so you're slowly chipping away at
this relationship that you're trying to build with yourself. You
end up being an unsafe space for yourself. It's literally
like a partner that keeps lying to you over and
over again. How unsafe do you feel with that person?
(05:13):
How unsure do you feel with that person? And so,
in the same way, if you start chipping away at
your own trust in yourself, you no longer feel safe
in your own body. In your own mind. And at
the end of the day, even if other people don't
know you're lying, you definitely know you're lying. Deep down.
Your body knows when you are not in agreement, in
alignment with what you truly want. And so you get
(05:35):
further and further away from yourself, and your relationships end
up becoming unbalanced and not true in connection because you
can't be true without truthfulness. And so whether it's with
yourself or whether it's with other people, you end up
thinking you're doing the better I totally get that. You
end up thinking you're doing the right thing, and you're
doing it for this other person. I'm just going to
(05:55):
be agreeable, and I'm just gonna not bring up things
when I feel conflict, and I'm going to over extend
myself to do things for this person, whoever it is, friend, relationship, father, mother,
whoever is in your life. But the problem is, because
there is an untruthful aspect to it, it actually does
not bring you closer. If anything, it will slowly build
(06:16):
a rift between your relationships with yourself or with the
other person. Because part of it is a little bit
of an act. Right, people end up falling in love
with this agreeable version of you that you've created, not
the real you, not the one, not the one who
has opinions and ideas and disagrees with things. It's not
It's this version of you that you might have molded
yourself to become because you believe that that's going to
(06:38):
keep people in your life. And you know what, This
can run so deep. It can be from this fear
of rejection. It can be this fear of if I
stop people pleasing, I will be abandoned. This person's going
to leave me if I end up saying how I feel,
saying what I want, being the person that I truly am.
Sometimes it can be tied to our insecurities, sometimes to
dependent personality traits. I'm going to depend on this person
(07:01):
to make me feel good about myself. But either way,
the route is the same. If I am not useful,
I am not lovable, and that is the essence of
people pleasing. If I am not useful to this person,
I am not lovable. But I need you to understand,
and this is the truth, that that is not true
at all. You have to separate the idea of being
(07:23):
useful and the idea of being lovable. That is just
something that you've been trained to believe or have had
a life where that has been shown to you in
some way, But that is so far from the truth.
So if you think about the traits of a people pleaser,
let me know if this ends up standing a little
bit familiar, always accommodating to others, rarely saying no, feeling
valuable only when you are complying, apologizing when no apology
(07:47):
is required, taking the blame when it isn't yours, making
excuses for other people, feeling anxious if someone's upset with you,
and over extending yourself, and you know how you know
you're over sending. It's when what you did out of
kindness leaves you feeling resentful or angry. That is not
being kind and that is not you being generous. That
(08:08):
is you doing something that you actually don't want to do.
And then the resentfulness and the anger is your body
and your mind telling you that you shouldn't have done that,
actually didn't want to do that, but you forced me
to do it, and your desire to be liked or
loved ended up trumping my desire to actually do this.
It's a sign that you have given more than you
had to give. You've given beyond your capacity and your ability.
(08:31):
So how do we break this pattern? How do we
even begin to break this especially if it's been so
deep rooted and lasted for so long. So the first
thing is you need to know your boundaries. It is
so important to know your limits and to establish these
clear boundaries and then communicate those limits. You have to
be really clear and specific about what they are and
what you're willing to take on in your life. And
(08:51):
if it seems like someone is asking for two months,
you have to be able to let them know that
it is over your limits of what you are willing
to do, and that you won't be able to help.
But knowing you need boundaries and actually knowing what they
are are two different things. So to set boundaries, you
need to know what your boundaries are, and if you've
not been used to setting them your whole life, you
(09:13):
may not even know what they are. You may not
even know how to start to figure out what they are.
And so to figure this out, you're going to need
to do a little getting to know yourself, a little
reflection every single day. So these are some things to
ask yourself and some things to consider.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Start off with your triggers. Notice when you feel resentful
or drained, or anxious or angry after saying yes, those
are clear signals that a boundary has been crossed. And
so notice when that happens.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Is it when you say yes to going out somewhere
when you don't have the energy to Is it when
someone asks you to do something for them and you
can't help but take full control of it? You know,
what is it that you do for other people or
even in your life that once you do, it makes
you feel resentful, drained, anxious, or anger after you've said yes,
(10:01):
sometimes even after you've completed the task. And once you
start recognizing this or becoming aware of it, it's actually
so easy to notice. It's like as soon as a
friend says, hey, could you pick me up from the
airport and you say, yeah, of course I will. After
you're like, oh my god, I have to do all
of this stuff, and now I have to go and
pick her up from the airport and that's going to
take an hour there and an hour back.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
I wish I hadn't said yes. That's your sign.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
That's your sign that you actually didn't want to say yes,
but you said yes because of this reason, or a
work colleague says, hey, do you mind just working a
little bit extra because I need to leave a little
bit early, and you say, yeah, of course, I will
whatever you need. And actually you had plans and you'd
already committed to something, and you wish you hadn't said yes,
but you did. And so whenever you notice this negative
(10:43):
reaction in your heart in your mind to where yes
that you have said, that is a sign that that's
a trigger for you, and that's a sign that that's
a boundary that you need to figure out. That feeling
is your body's alarm system. Saying a boundary was crust.
Another question that you should ask yourself is when did
I feel overextended this week? And what was the moment
I knew I didn't want to do it? So think
(11:04):
about all these times that you felt like you have
put too much of yourself into something, But then also
think about when was that moment I knew it? Was
it actually before I even said yes, I was already
saying no in my head, but I ignored it. Was
it after the action was done? Was it the moment
I said yes? Try and see where you start to
recognize your body or your mind actually resisting each moment,
(11:27):
each time that you've said yes or overextended yourself in
a way that you didn't want to.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Next up, you have to clarify what your non negotiables are.
Ask yourself, what do I absolutely need in my life
in order to feel safe, respected, and well? Write all
those things down. There might be lots on each list,
but know what you need in your life from yourself
and from others to feel safe, respected and well. For example,
I need one hour alone every single morning, or I
(11:51):
need advanced notice for plans, or I need to be
spoken to respectfully. What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
What are the non negotiable things that you don't want
people to be able to say to you or do
to you. I actually have two best friends in London
who we all well. Two of us have really similar
ways of spending time together. We're both very spontaneous. It
could be a hey, do you want to hang out
in like an hour? And our third friend, she is
(12:16):
someone who absolutely despises spontaneous last minute get together. She
wants to know a month in advance, a week in advance.
She wants to know exactly what time we're meeting. She
needs advanced notice like a lot, and we really struggled
with that at first, and then I realized I still
am quite bad at it because I'm just a very
spontaneous person. But it made me realize how important it
(12:39):
is to her because she really does want to spend
time together. But for her, having this advanced notice allows
her to prepare her mind, allows her to prepare her
time accordingly, so she can make sure that she's present
and there for us in the moments that we're going
to be spending together. And so it was something that
she has very clearly told us that I need notice
(12:59):
advance to notice whenever we're meeting, and we've had to
really respect that and appreciate that, even if it's not
something that I do normally for myself, because I care
about her and because she has actually had the ability
to set that boundary and tell us, I really respect that,
and I really have to respect it as a friend
because it takes a lot to even be able to
(13:20):
share something like that. Next up, you need to notice
when it is that you actually betray yourself, Like in
what moments do you end up over extending or saying
yes to things? Is it when you're really exhausted, when
you're agreeing to just keep the peace. Is it in
a work environment, is it in your home environment? Is
it in your relationship? Notice in what areas you are
(13:41):
most likely to give in or do your people pleasing tendencies.
We also have to be able to define our capacity,
because boundaries aren't just about what others can't do to you.
It's also about what you can realistically give. Sometimes it's
not about people crossing your boundary. It's about you giving
more than you can handle, or giving more than you
realize you have in you to be able to.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
And so you need to realize what your capacity is.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
So I remember when I was trying to make friends
in new environments. I'd keep trying to set up individual
time to spend with people to try and build a relationship.
And I realize that I'm actually I get quite exhausted
being around people often, especially with being at events and
social environments and things like that. And so I realized
I have a specific capacity for the amount of social
(14:27):
interaction I can do in groups and one to one.
And so now I know I can maybe meet someone
one to one maybe twice a week, but I can
do a lot more social gatherings where there's more people,
because it requires a lot less energy investment in that moment.
And so I'm really clear and specific now about how
many social gatherings I can say yes to when it's
(14:48):
a group setting or lots of people, and how many
times a week I can say yes to meeting someone
one on one. It's something that I've learned over time
where I don't want to be dreading going to see someone.
No one's got gun to my head saying you have
to go see this. So why am I ending up
saying yes to things that I don't want to go to?
Not fair on them because I don't come there with
the right energy, and also not good for me because
(15:08):
then I'm regretting saying yes and then feeling negative about
having this interaction with that person, when in fact, if
I said no, reschedule it for a time where would
probably have more energy, that'd be more beneficial for both
of us. And so, really figure out what your capacity
is and in the areas that you tend to struggle,
become really clear about what that looks like. And maybe
(15:29):
it is even like this many times a week situation
that you have to set with yourself.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
And that can be an energy, time or money. So
how much energy, time, money, or emotional space do I
actually have right now? And what does that mean?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, if my friend has an issue going on right
now in her life and she needs to call me
every single day, do I have the energy to handle
that right now?
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Do I have the time? This person wants to borrow
money off me? Do I have the money to give?
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Or am I really going to be overextending myself where
I then aren't able to support my own self. And
your capacity will shift with seasons of life, and so
your boundaries will too, and so you can continuously check
in with yourself because sometimes I have so much energy
to give to people, I could be unlimited having people
over here every single week, pouring into people, and then
at times I feel really depleted where I have to
(16:15):
become a hermit and I don't feel like being around anybody.
And so you have to be very in tune with
how you're feeling to really be able to allow that
capacity to shift, and also to be able to know
how many boundaries you need and where they should lie
or sit. Our body is telling us things all the time.
We just have to be able to listen your body
will tell you when a boundary is being crossed, whether
(16:36):
it's your tight chest and not in your stomach.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Physically, you will feel it.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Your face goes red, you feel drained and energy after
an interaction. Learn to treat those sensations in your physical
body as information and not just dismiss them as a discomfort.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
You know what.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
The next one is going to feel a little bit harsh,
But it's something I really had to drill into myself
because I think a big part of people pleasing you
also end up having a little bit of a victim mindset.
So you have to change and shift your mindset. You
have to stop telling yourself that you do so much
for people and that people owe you. Most of us
walk around with this invisible contract in our heads. If
(17:15):
I do this for you, you'll do this for me.
If I show up, you'll appreciate me. If I sacrifice,
you'll love me back. Everyone has their own little contracts
or agreements that you create in your mind to help
you feel good about yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
It's a really natural tendency for me.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It's like, oh, if I insert myself into your life
and I help resolve all your problems, then you can't
get rid of me. There forever, you're gonna have to
rely on me. You're gonna have to depend on me,
and then I become something that can't be removed from
your life.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
I have a habit of doing that.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Whether it's with my family, whether it's with friends, I
end up trying to insert myself to try and be
a fixer and solve their problems, and my mind if
someone's telling me their problems becomes a fixer mentality more
than it is I'm here to listen.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
I'm like, no, I'm going to help resolve this right now.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
But I had to detach from thinking what does this
person owe me in return?
Speaker 3 (18:06):
You're not giving to receive. That's not how giving works.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
You have to be willing to give to your capacity
that you can without the expectation of them giving you
the same back or anything back.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
To be honest, that is.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
The biggest lesson in disappointment is reducing your expectations to
very little or none. And if you are doing something
for someone, do not do it with something in mind
that you want in return, because then you're really not
giving with the right intention. And so it's not always
the other people that are in the wrong it's not
always the other people, because sometimes we put ourselves into
(18:39):
that situation. It's not always the other person that is
in the wrong. It's what we are choosing to do
for those people, even if we believe they don't deserve it,
and then we end up focusing on their lack rather
than the fact that we over gave and expected way
too much in return. So when you drop this belief
that people owe you, you actually can stop giving from
a place of transaction and start giving from a place
of choice and love. You stop saying yes because you're
(19:02):
secretly hoping for approval. And that's the thing sometimes usually
as people please, is you're not giving to receive the
same back. You're giving to receive what you want back.
You're giving to receive approval, stability, confidence that this person
isn't going to leave. And so when you don't receive that,
you keep pouring in, pouring in, pouring in, waiting to
(19:23):
receive that unsaid thing that they don't even know that's
why you're doing it. And so sometimes communication is so
necessary in friendships and relationships because you could be pouring
into this person they're thinking, Oh, that's just their love language.
They love giving in this way. They love planning things,
they love helping me. But really what you're not, what
they're failing to understand because you haven't told them, is oh,
(19:46):
I'm doing this because I need words of affirmation from you.
I need to know that I'm secure in this relationship,
and so I need you to show me I am.
And so that communication is really necessary. Otherwise you're doing
something expecting something back that they are completely unaware of.
And so when you're in that moment where you're put
in a situation and you are just about to do
a bit of people pleasing, we.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Have to learn how to pause before we respond.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Generally, people pleasers are automatic yes people. You end up
saying yes before you even think about what they're asking.
It's like, yeah, yeah, of course I'll do whatever you need.
I'll be there of being there in whichever way that
you need me to. So instead of a yes being
a reflex or a given to you without you having
even thought about what the person is asking, you need
(20:30):
this five second rule or like a moment of thought
before you end up responding. Actually makes you're far better
communicator too, but it also stops you from saying yes
to something that you're then gonna have to cancel later, which,
by the way, I used to do a lot. I
would say yes, yes, yes, There's so many things, and
then I'd actually end up looking really bad or not
being a good friend because I know in the time
(20:51):
I'm not going to do it. But it's easier in
that scenario for me to say yes, because later on,
when I'm not facing them, I could say no, when
actually it creates a better relationship if you just said
no in the first place and so have a five
second moment of thought, say hey, you know what, can
I get back to you later or let me check
my schedule and get back to you. Do you mind
(21:13):
if I take like a day or so to figure
out whether I have the ability to do that. There
are so many sentences that you can practice before you
say the word yes, and then your yes actually ends
up having more meaning. It's kind of like the Boy
who Cried Wolf, but in the opposite way. In the
opposite way, I guess where a lot of the time,
if you end up saying yes, yes, yes to things
and then you don't follow through, your yes actually carries
(21:34):
less weight, like it doesn't have as much meaning to
the person because they're like, oh, she's probably going to
cancel anyway, And.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
I used to get that a lot.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Oh yeah, okay, you sure you're going to come because
you're probably going to cancel the day before, And so
you have more weight and integrity to the meaning of
your yeses and your nose, and then your communication also
just gets so much better. Can I check my schedule
and get back to you, great line? Do you mind
if I let you know in about twenty four hours
that okay, literally a few sentences that can save your
(22:03):
sanity and also better your relationships. And look, these boundaries set.
This boundary setting thing can actually be really scary because
we're not used to it. And so it doesn't have
to be like huge boundaries. You don't suddenly have to
start building walls. It can be little micro boundaries. You
don't need to start with these big, dramatic nose. You
can honestly practice in tiny, tiny ways. Say no to
(22:25):
extra condiments at the cafe, say no to a project
that you may not have a capacity for, and then
every little no builds up this invisible muscle that helps
you say no in the times that really matter.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Each morning, you can.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Start off journaling one boundary that you're going to practice
that day and keep at the top of your mind.
And so then you could test out with small nose,
practicing no in lowest stake moments. So if it's declining
an invitation, maybe it's by message at first. If you're
not able to do it in person, maybe saying no
to people in person is what you find difficult. So
practicing no by message first, or try not explaining yourself
(23:00):
when you can't make it, like saying just no is okay,
or saying I can't.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Do it is okay.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
You don't need a whole story or a whole explanation
as to why it can simply be no and that's okay.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
It does not need the explanation.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
I used to do that a lot as people pleased
that I would end up over explaining why I can't
do something, and it's kind of like, actually, they didn't
need that.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
They probably didn't even want that. They just want to
know whether you're coming or not.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
But because you feel that bad and you want to
make sure that they're still in your life and that
they're not going to dislike you, you end up trying
to give them a reason to make sure that they
really understand why you are saying no. And so another
big part of this is learning to tolerate discomfort. That
is probably the hardest part because people pleasing is actually
about avoiding this discomfort, whether it's in yourself or whether
(23:45):
it's in the situation.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
But the fact is we live in a while is
where people are going.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
To be disappointed and annoyed and even angry, and that's honestly, okay.
Their reaction is not your responsibility, but you being true
to yourself and true to the situation is your responsibility.
That's the only part you can really control. And so
true growth means you have to sit in that discomfort
without rushing to fix it. And that's going to be
really uncomfortable, and that's not going to feel good, and
(24:09):
that's going to make you feel really crappy sometimes. But
it's also part of the journey of just being true
to yourself, because as soon as you start trying to
live your life according to how other people are going
to feel, you're not going to get it right.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
I'll tell you that.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
For now, you're going to think you know how to
do it. You're going to think you know how to
make that person happy. In that situation. But it's just
an impossible feat to win, it really is. And so
the only way you can be sure that you're doing
the right thing is by living with integrity, and that's
all you can really control. And then we have to
start rewriting this story that we've created over such a
(24:44):
long time, rewiring our mind and reframing what reality is.
The old story is I need to please to be loved.
The new story is I'm loved when I show up authentically,
whether I do or don't, and every single time I
honor myself I strengthen my relationship with myself for other people.
And that's what you need to realize. I'm loved whether
(25:04):
I do or don't. And when I show up authentically
every single time that I honor myself, I strengthen my
relationship with myself and with other people. Write it somewhere,
I say, every single day, and start creating this new
story and these new pathways in your mind that don't
link the two. And then it's a practicing little script
in the mirror. No thank you, that doesn't work for me. Actually,
(25:27):
I'm going to have to check that date. Is that okay?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
No?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Not?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Is that okay? Actually? It's just I'm gonna have to
check on that date.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
So try these little things that you can say to yourself,
either with friends or family that you feel comfortable with,
or just to yourself, no thank you. That actually doesn't
work for me. You can keep it short, keep it snappy,
keep it kind, but it can still be firm. You
don't need to over explain. And so those are just
little tips of things that I've been really reflecting on
and trying to do for myself. Of course, there are
(25:55):
going to be certain situations that make you feel really
uncomfortable and you're not going to get rid of this overnight.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
It's not something that just goes away.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
I actually think it's something I think that that lies
quite deep and it's something that you kind of have
to chip away at. But in little ways you can
make these little changes, and the more you do it,
the happy you're going to feel with yourself. Honestly, you're
going to feel freer. You're going to feel like there's
a less weight on your shoulder that you've put onto yourself.
And I think you have to realize that any relationship
(26:25):
that is based on what you do for that person,
and if it does mean that the only time you
do those things that they are in your life or
love you, that is a sign that it's.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Probably not the right type of relationship or friendship.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
And so as scary as that is, this will also
open your eyes to the type of relationships that you have.
And I will also say this that sometimes you create
that dependency and so it doesn't mean that person is
bad or that they have they're using you or trying
to get something from you. It's that you've created that
relationship with that person. And so just this, weat evolve
(26:59):
and shit, relationships can change too. And you can say,
you know, I don't think I want to do this
for you anymore, but I still really want to be friends.
And I don't think I want you to rely on
me like this anymore, but I would still love to
build our relationship. And so I think if people become
used to you being that person in their life, it
takes a little bit of retraining for them too. So
here is the truth that I want you to carry
(27:20):
away with you today. It is always better to do
less with the right intention than to do more with
the wrong intention.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
And that's why you have to keep in your mind.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
It is always better to do less with the right
intention than to do more with the wrong intention, Because
when you stop people pleasing and start honoring yourself, that
is when you stop disappearing and you stop losing who
you are and you get to finally start living as
you and people get to appreciate the real you. Actually,
I would say that me knowing myself better and me
having these boundaries and knowing who I am, what I
(27:51):
actually need from other people, what I need from myself,
has definitely improved my relationships. It's definitely helped me communicate better,
and it's made me like myself a lot more. And
to be honest, I think most of us struggle with
that the most. It's like, I want to be able
to like myself and love myself on a daily basis.
And the more you kind of go away with your
(28:11):
go further away from your own needs and go further
away from what your mind and body is telling you
it needs, the further you feel from yourself. And how
can you connect to other people if you don't feel
connected to your own self, body and mind. And so
I hope all of this helps you to connect back
to you, but also create better relationships with people around
(28:32):
us and let me know how it goes. That good luck.
It's going to be great and it's also going to
feel crappy at times. But I think if you clicked
on this podcast, you're definitely well on the way to
this journey of just becoming better for yourself and for
other people. Thank you so much for watching, sending us
(28:53):
so much love, and I hope you all have such
a wonderful, wonderful week.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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