August 19, 2025 • 17 mins
Do you avoid hard things thinking you’re protecting your peace?
Are you mistaking short-term comfort for real self-care?
What if the things you run from are the key to your healing?
How do you know when a boundary has become a wall?
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, Radhi Devlukia takes a deep, honest look at avoidance—why we do it, why it feels so good in the moment, and why it can quietly sabotage our happiness, relationships, and growth.
She explores how modern “self-care” culture has blurred the lines between protecting our peace and avoiding discomfort, and why choosing the harder, messier path is often the most loving thing we can do for ourselves.
From subtle coping habits like overworking or overthinking, to more obvious escapes like walking away from relationships or avoiding difficult conversations, Radhi reveals how avoidance not only delays pain but also keeps us disconnected from our truest selves. She offers practical, compassionate ways to face discomfort, process the past, and build the resilience that creates lasting peace.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- The difference between true self-care and disguised avoidance
- How unprocessed pain lingers in your body and shapes your present
- Why short-term comfort can lead to long-term struggle
- How to spot avoidance in subtle everyday behaviors
- Practical ways to face discomfort and build emotional resilience
- Why doing “hard things” boosts self-trust and confidence
- How building resilience in one area of life strengthens all others
- The long-term freedom that comes from choosing the harder path now
Whether you’ve been putting off a conversation, ignoring a past hurt, or avoiding your next big leap, this episode is a compassionate call to stop running—not because life will be pain-free, but because you are stronger than the pain you fear.
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,
it keeps us functioning, It stops us from having a breakdown.
I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.
I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But
the truth is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it.
I'm Radi Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
(00:23):
to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
A Really Good Cry. Thank you so much for being here.
I appreciate it so much. I really feel like these
episodes end up being a little therapy session for myself,
and it really makes me more present in my day
to observe conversations that I'm having to observe people around me,
(00:44):
to really be present so that I'm able to absorb things,
digest them, and then share them with you. So I
appreciate that you're listening, and I truly hope that you
gain so much out of these episodes. And I would
so love to hear any feedback, or any recommendations of
topics you'd like to hear about or discuss on a
really good cry. Today's episode is actually based on a
(01:05):
DM that I received recently from someone saying that they
are on their healing journey, their self care journey, and
a big part of that has just been removing people
and things that she doesn't want to deal with, and
how that's actually been her way of setting boundaries. And
of course, as much as I respect that and understand
(01:25):
how necessary it is, it really got me thinking about
this self care healing era that we are in, especially
this online space that has been created about it, and
I think sometimes it's actually making us confuse healing with
the avoidance. We say it's a boundary, but really we're
just ghosting someone who challenged us. Or we say we're
(01:45):
protecting our peace, but what we're really doing is avoiding
hard conversations. We end up isolating and withdrawing and shutting
people out, and we end up calling it working on ourself.
And so I think the problem with the definition of
self care that has become quite viral online, and you know,
(02:06):
everyone's like, just shut people out, don't speak to people
that do this to you just making things very black
and white. I think the problem with this definition of
self care is that it's based on just something that
makes us feel good in the moment, and we all
know that not everything that feels good is necessarily good
for us in the long run, and usually, unfortunately, it
(02:27):
is the things that don't actually feel that great that
end up actually being good for us long term. So
I think we end up going to all these extreme
levels to just avoid pain in our life, and as
a way to make it okay, we've created this term
self care. We've covered it up in the illusion of
self care, But actually that seems like the opposite of healing,
(02:48):
doesn't it. Because I think true self care it's not
about building a life that's free from challenges or problems,
or issues or confrontations. It's about building the resilience to
move through those challenges that come because the fact is
that challenges are inevitable, issues are inevitable, confrontations are inevitable.
At some point in our life, We're going to be
(03:09):
faced with challenges and resistance in our life, and the
more that you avoid these, the less equipped you are
to deal with the next one and the next one
after that. And then you're kind of stuck in this
position where every time you do come across something like that,
you actually freeze, or you don't know how to deal
with it, or you just keep avoiding. And the problem
with avoiding is even if you choose a conscious level
(03:33):
not to acknowledge it, even if you choose at a
conscious level to leave the country, to go on holiday,
to stop speaking to that person, subconsciously, those little things
are building up in you. And so instead of creating
a way or a neural pathway to deal with these problems,
or a physical pathway to deal with these problems, we
(03:53):
end up creating ways out of it. So what does
that mean the next time we come into contact with
the same problem, Not only are we carrying the way
of the last thing, we also have absolutely no idea
how to handle it. It's like if you're trying to
fix something, you come across a broken light bulb in
your house, You're like, you know what, I'm going to
leave that till next time, And then you find another
broken light bulb and you're like, oh, man, if i'd
(04:14):
fix that first one, i'd probably know how to do
this one. Not only when I know how to do
it and have the tools in my house to do it.
It will also be done quicker, more efficiently and back
to how I need it to be way faster. And
so the bounce back, or the ability to actually work
through these issues as they come to us becomes easier,
more efficient, and also just builds this idea in our
(04:37):
head that damn, I can do this. I've done it before,
and I for sure can do it now because I've
got proof that I can do it, and look, I
get it. It's so normal to want to avoid pain.
Of course we want to avoid it. It's human nature
to want to avoid it. We are wired for survival
as humans, and we really do chase safety. We move
towards comfort and familiarity and away from anything that threatens that,
(05:00):
and that instinct is actually what's helped us survive as
a species. But in modern life and where we're at
right now emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, that same instinct can
really backfire because when we spend our lives moving through
the world trying to avoid discomfort at all costs, we
don't just avoid pain, we also avoid growth, and sometimes
(05:22):
when you've been through a lot, avoidance becomes a coping strategy,
and a very useful one at that. It really does work.
Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,
it keeps us functioning. It stops us from having a breakdown.
I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.
I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But
do you come back to it, do you actually revisit
it at a time where you have this space, the safety,
(05:45):
and the ability to because if you don't, those things
are going to accumulate. And you know, avoidance can be
really subtle. It can look like overthinking, overworking, over controlling. Damn,
do I know this over controlling one. I've been there.
I do it very often, and then is definitely my
avoidance technique. Okay, I don't want to deal with the
(06:05):
fact that this person doesn't like me, So let me
try and control the situation and do things for them
and try and navigate this without having the conversation of
why let me just try and brush out of the carpet,
act like everything is normal and shower them with love.
Really bad avoidance technique, because that's overcompensating trying to control
the situation rather than just having the conversation. The conversation
(06:28):
probably would have been the easier option, but we try
to avoid things as much as possible because that feels
like the more uncomfortable situation. But you know what it
feels like, the more uncomfortable situation because I haven't gotten
used to doing it. The more you normalize these things,
the more you normalize there doing hard things, the more
you normalize turning towards the pain and the discomfort rather
(06:48):
than away from it, That then becomes your normal pathway.
That then becomes your normal reaction or the way that
you choose to deal with things, rather than the running,
rather than the overcompensating rather than over controlling, and so
actually you are just changing what your normality is. And
the only way you can do that is through consistency,
through constantly trying, through constantly choosing the hard eruption, and
(07:11):
then the hard eruption doesn't stay as hard and it
actually becomes the EASi eruption because that's what you've become
used to doing. Avoidance can also look like saying I
don't need anyone, when what you really mean is I
don't want to risk getting hurt again. And you know,
another unexpected way that this shows up is not wanting
to dig into the past, not wanting to dig into
these past traumas or feelings that we've had. I see
(07:33):
it so much, it feels like opening up an old wound.
And what is the point, right? Why do I need
to look backwards? It's over? Why go back? But I
don't really think that you can truly move forward if
you don't look into the past and resolve what you're
still carrying with you. And just because the moment has
passed does not mean it's not still living in your body,
in your nervous system, in the way that you respond
(07:55):
when someone gets too close, and the way that you
panic at the thought of failure, or in the way
that you doubt yourself even when things are going well.
Unprocessed pain from the past does not disappear. It really
echoes through you, and it shapes how you show up
in the present. It influences your relationships, your choices, and
your triggers now, so avoiding it might feel easier, but
(08:18):
it can be what is standing between you and the
life that you really want. Most of the time, because
of how fast paced the world is, we just think
if we try hard enough, we can dodge suffering. Altogether.
If we hustle enough, if we stay positive enough, if
we stay thin enough, if we stay and control enough,
we can bypass pain in some way, and that we
can be immune to heartbreak or failure or shame or
(08:39):
sadness or disappointment. We really try our best to avoid
in any way possible. But that's just not real and
it's not how life works. And I know that's not
easy to hear. It actually sucks because you want someone
to say, you know what, this can take all your
pain away, don't worry, you don't have to go through it.
And it's really not easy to feel. But the truth
is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it, and
it just delays it or shifts it into another form,
(09:02):
and so it could end up looking like pouring a
drink when you're stressed and that becoming your habit, or
walking away from relationships the moment they get hard, or
even the moment they get good, procrastinating on your dream
because you're terrified, or failing, or saying yes when you
just mean no, just to keep the peace. And honestly,
these mechanisms they really do work. They can work for
(09:23):
a really long time, and they can feel pretty good
at the time do but eventually they show up somewhere
in our life as anxiety, as fatigue, as an illness
in our relationships, distance, resentment, confusion. There is a long
list of how they can show up in us, but
the fact is they will at some point in time
of auidence just creates this illusion of peace, but it's
(09:44):
not peace. It's just pausing. And the cost of that
pause is often this long term disconnection from ourself and
the life that we're supposed to live. And you know what,
sometimes I would really think I was doing the hard thing.
I would be convinced that I was doing the hard thing.
Look at me, I'm working long hours, I'm hustling, I'm
showing up, I'm handling so much, I'm so busy all
(10:05):
the time. I'm doing such hard things. This is hard. Okay,
the work I'm doing is hard. And I would tell
myself that, and I would tell other people that, and yes,
it is hard, Okay. I'm not diminishing the fact they're
doing work or hustling isn't difficult. But sometimes we're choosing
the version of hard that's actually familiar, or the one
that gets us approval all the one that we think
looks hard, but actually internally it's not hard for us
(10:27):
at all, and deep down we know that this isn't
really my heart. My real hard is having that difficult
conversation that I have been avoiding for god knows how long.
My real heart is picking up the phone and calling
that person that caused me a lot of pain and
that I just need to have the last conversation with.
My real heart is sitting in silence instead of always
(10:48):
saying busy, busy, busy, so I don't have to listen
to my thoughts. My real hard is looking at why
I'm still repeating this same passion in my relationships over
and over again and saying it's bad luck. My real
heart is letting someone see me fully even when I'm
not put together. We get really good at doing hard
things that look impressive, but the real transformation only comes
(11:11):
when we start doing the hard things that feel uncomfortable.
And I want to read you a little apart from
the book Atomic Habits. I'm sure you've heard of it.
It's been on New York Times bestsellers for Lord knows
how long, a long long time years, I think, And
he says, the ability to do hard things is perhaps
the most useful ability you can foster in yourself or
your children, and proof that you are someone who can
(11:34):
do them is one of the most useful assets you
can have on your life resume. Our self image is
composed of historical evidence of our abilities. The more hard
things you push yourself to do, the more competent you
will see yourself to be. So it also helps to
build confidence. By the way, that's what it's saying. The
more hard things you do, the more you see yourself
being competent to do them, the more confident you are
(11:55):
in your ability. And if you can run marathons or
throw double your body weight over your head, the sleep
deprivation from a newborn is only a mild irritant. If
you can excel at organic chemistry or econometrics, onboarding for
a new finance job will be a breeze. But if
we avoid these hard things, anything mildly challenging will seem unsurmountable.
(12:17):
We're trying to TikTok over an errant period at the
end of a text message. We'll see ourselves as incapable
of learning new skills, taking on new careers, and escaping
bad situations. The proof you can do hard things is
one of the most powerful gifts that you can give yourself.
I thought that was pretty great, really well explained, actually
in one paragraph maybe two so well explained. And so
(12:40):
avoiding pain may feel like self protection, but over time
it just becomes self abandonment. So if you are in
a season that feels messy, if you're in the middle
of something tender or real or raw, do not run
from it. This is your reminder, your loving reminder, not
to run from it. Just stay in it, breathe in it,
and let it. The more you turn toward what is difficult,
(13:03):
the more you turn toward the hard the less control
it has over you. And you know what. You fear
what you don't know. You fear what you haven't done.
But as soon as you know it and as soon
as you've done it, it's always less scary that marathon,
the exam, the driving test, I don't know, the relationship
that you're too scared to get into. The more familiar
(13:23):
it becomes, the less control it has over you, and
the easier it is to address it. So give yourself
the opportunity to build that resilience and to build that
belief in yourself that you can do hard things. If
you know what, wake up every single day, wake up
every single day and look at yourself and say, you
can do hard things. If I'm honest, I do that
(13:45):
a lot. There are so many things that I've done
in my life that I never ever believed that I
could do that. I thought in my dreams that I
would not be able to do. I never even dreamt
of doing them. And yet I found myself coming into
a situation where I got asked to or where I
was where life took me, and I thought, never thought
I'd have to deal with this, never thought that I'd
(14:05):
have to go through something like this, never thought this
opportunity would come my way. And how sad I look back,
and I think how sad would have been if I
just said, no, I'm too scared, No, this is too difficult. No,
actually I don't want to try it. It's some familiar,
it's scary. I'm gonna just leave it there. But the
more I've done, and the thing is, it trickles into everything,
(14:26):
you know, That's what's so interesting. It really moves through
your entire life. You do something difficult in one area,
it shows up in the other area. You do something
difficult in your personal life, you could show up better physically.
You do something physical that's difficult, like working out and
pushing yourself. There guarantee you that resilience shows through in
your work, in your relationships, in your ability to show
(14:48):
up and do difficult things in any other area. It
applies everywhere. So yes, okay, maybe you say no to
something that made you scared, but try to show up
somewhere else in a way that feels more comfortable. Maybe
you said no to speaking in public, but you chose
to go a little harder at the gym. Be proud
of that. You're still trying to do hard things, and
that's what's important. The more we stay in this place
(15:10):
of comfort, the more we stay in this place of
protection and just avoidance. Actually we're doing ourselves a disservice.
You think you're doing yourself a service. Let me hide away.
It's like saying you're going to go to the middle
of a forest because you don't want to get tempted
by anything. This example is given a lot in our scriptures,
(15:30):
and I always hear the monks talk about this, where
it's no use trying to take yourself out of your
desires or the things that tempt you lock yourself away
in a cupboard or a dark room, and your mind
is still going to have that. Your mind is still
going to have those thoughts, and so better that you
actually build up the protection mechanisms for when you actually
do come in contact with them, so you have the strength,
(15:53):
the resistance, the skills, the tools, the ability to protect
yourself against it. No point just stopping yourself from being
around it, because at that point you're creating a false environment.
What use is that, Oh, I don't want to eat chocolates,
I'm going to stop myself from even looking at it.
But then you go to a restaurant with your friends
and the chocolate cake is right there. Have you built
the ability to say no, no because you haven't allowed
(16:15):
yourself to And so that's such a small example, but
you can imagine how that can make a difference in
a lot in bigger and bigger issues. So, whether it's
saying no to the chocolate cake, or whether it is
saying no to a relationship that doesn't serve you, or
whether it's getting out of that job that you don't
want to be in, this it all plays a part,
(16:35):
and it all makes a difference, and so do the
damn hard thing. And I guarantee you you will not
regret it, even if you struggle through it, even if
you don't make it to the end of it. Guarantee you,
through that process of trying to do it, you will
have built up so much strength and resilience. Sending all
so much love. I hope you have a really wonderful
(16:56):
week filled with doing a few hard things, but more
things that bring you joy, and hopefully the two can
combine in some way. They don't live parallel. Hopefully at
some point there is a lane for both of them
to coexist. Have a wonderful, wonderful week. Sending you love
and send me a DM would love to hear from
you if you listen to this episode, let me know
what hard thing you are about to do and whether
(17:18):
you actually make it through and how it made you feel. Bye, guys,
Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,
it keeps us functioning, It stops us from having a breakdown.
I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.
I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But
the truth is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it.
I'm Radi Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
(00:23):
to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
A Really Good Cry. Thank you so much for being here.
I appreciate it so much. I really feel like these
episodes end up being a little therapy session for myself,
and it really makes me more present in my day
to observe conversations that I'm having to observe people around me,
(00:44):
to really be present so that I'm able to absorb things,
digest them, and then share them with you. So I
appreciate that you're listening, and I truly hope that you
gain so much out of these episodes. And I would
so love to hear any feedback, or any recommendations of
topics you'd like to hear about or discuss on a
really good cry. Today's episode is actually based on a
(01:05):
DM that I received recently from someone saying that they
are on their healing journey, their self care journey, and
a big part of that has just been removing people
and things that she doesn't want to deal with, and
how that's actually been her way of setting boundaries. And
of course, as much as I respect that and understand
(01:25):
how necessary it is, it really got me thinking about
this self care healing era that we are in, especially
this online space that has been created about it, and
I think sometimes it's actually making us confuse healing with
the avoidance. We say it's a boundary, but really we're
just ghosting someone who challenged us. Or we say we're
(01:45):
protecting our peace, but what we're really doing is avoiding
hard conversations. We end up isolating and withdrawing and shutting
people out, and we end up calling it working on ourself.
And so I think the problem with the definition of
self care that has become quite viral online, and you know,
(02:06):
everyone's like, just shut people out, don't speak to people
that do this to you just making things very black
and white. I think the problem with this definition of
self care is that it's based on just something that
makes us feel good in the moment, and we all
know that not everything that feels good is necessarily good
for us in the long run, and usually, unfortunately, it
(02:27):
is the things that don't actually feel that great that
end up actually being good for us long term. So
I think we end up going to all these extreme
levels to just avoid pain in our life, and as
a way to make it okay, we've created this term
self care. We've covered it up in the illusion of
self care, But actually that seems like the opposite of healing,
(02:48):
doesn't it. Because I think true self care it's not
about building a life that's free from challenges or problems,
or issues or confrontations. It's about building the resilience to
move through those challenges that come because the fact is
that challenges are inevitable, issues are inevitable, confrontations are inevitable.
At some point in our life, We're going to be
(03:09):
faced with challenges and resistance in our life, and the
more that you avoid these, the less equipped you are
to deal with the next one and the next one
after that. And then you're kind of stuck in this
position where every time you do come across something like that,
you actually freeze, or you don't know how to deal
with it, or you just keep avoiding. And the problem
with avoiding is even if you choose a conscious level
(03:33):
not to acknowledge it, even if you choose at a
conscious level to leave the country, to go on holiday,
to stop speaking to that person, subconsciously, those little things
are building up in you. And so instead of creating
a way or a neural pathway to deal with these problems,
or a physical pathway to deal with these problems, we
(03:53):
end up creating ways out of it. So what does
that mean the next time we come into contact with
the same problem, Not only are we carrying the way
of the last thing, we also have absolutely no idea
how to handle it. It's like if you're trying to
fix something, you come across a broken light bulb in
your house, You're like, you know what, I'm going to
leave that till next time, And then you find another
broken light bulb and you're like, oh, man, if i'd
(04:14):
fix that first one, i'd probably know how to do
this one. Not only when I know how to do
it and have the tools in my house to do it.
It will also be done quicker, more efficiently and back
to how I need it to be way faster. And
so the bounce back, or the ability to actually work
through these issues as they come to us becomes easier,
more efficient, and also just builds this idea in our
(04:37):
head that damn, I can do this. I've done it before,
and I for sure can do it now because I've
got proof that I can do it, and look, I
get it. It's so normal to want to avoid pain.
Of course we want to avoid it. It's human nature
to want to avoid it. We are wired for survival
as humans, and we really do chase safety. We move
towards comfort and familiarity and away from anything that threatens that,
(05:00):
and that instinct is actually what's helped us survive as
a species. But in modern life and where we're at
right now emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, that same instinct can
really backfire because when we spend our lives moving through
the world trying to avoid discomfort at all costs, we
don't just avoid pain, we also avoid growth, and sometimes
(05:22):
when you've been through a lot, avoidance becomes a coping strategy,
and a very useful one at that. It really does work.
Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,
it keeps us functioning. It stops us from having a breakdown.
I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.
I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But
do you come back to it, do you actually revisit
it at a time where you have this space, the safety,
(05:45):
and the ability to because if you don't, those things
are going to accumulate. And you know, avoidance can be
really subtle. It can look like overthinking, overworking, over controlling. Damn,
do I know this over controlling one. I've been there.
I do it very often, and then is definitely my
avoidance technique. Okay, I don't want to deal with the
(06:05):
fact that this person doesn't like me, So let me
try and control the situation and do things for them
and try and navigate this without having the conversation of
why let me just try and brush out of the carpet,
act like everything is normal and shower them with love.
Really bad avoidance technique, because that's overcompensating trying to control
the situation rather than just having the conversation. The conversation
(06:28):
probably would have been the easier option, but we try
to avoid things as much as possible because that feels
like the more uncomfortable situation. But you know what it
feels like, the more uncomfortable situation because I haven't gotten
used to doing it. The more you normalize these things,
the more you normalize there doing hard things, the more
you normalize turning towards the pain and the discomfort rather
(06:48):
than away from it, That then becomes your normal pathway.
That then becomes your normal reaction or the way that
you choose to deal with things, rather than the running,
rather than the overcompensating rather than over controlling, and so
actually you are just changing what your normality is. And
the only way you can do that is through consistency,
through constantly trying, through constantly choosing the hard eruption, and
(07:11):
then the hard eruption doesn't stay as hard and it
actually becomes the EASi eruption because that's what you've become
used to doing. Avoidance can also look like saying I
don't need anyone, when what you really mean is I
don't want to risk getting hurt again. And you know,
another unexpected way that this shows up is not wanting
to dig into the past, not wanting to dig into
these past traumas or feelings that we've had. I see
(07:33):
it so much, it feels like opening up an old wound.
And what is the point, right? Why do I need
to look backwards? It's over? Why go back? But I
don't really think that you can truly move forward if
you don't look into the past and resolve what you're
still carrying with you. And just because the moment has
passed does not mean it's not still living in your body,
in your nervous system, in the way that you respond
(07:55):
when someone gets too close, and the way that you
panic at the thought of failure, or in the way
that you doubt yourself even when things are going well.
Unprocessed pain from the past does not disappear. It really
echoes through you, and it shapes how you show up
in the present. It influences your relationships, your choices, and
your triggers now, so avoiding it might feel easier, but
(08:18):
it can be what is standing between you and the
life that you really want. Most of the time, because
of how fast paced the world is, we just think
if we try hard enough, we can dodge suffering. Altogether.
If we hustle enough, if we stay positive enough, if
we stay thin enough, if we stay and control enough,
we can bypass pain in some way, and that we
can be immune to heartbreak or failure or shame or
(08:39):
sadness or disappointment. We really try our best to avoid
in any way possible. But that's just not real and
it's not how life works. And I know that's not
easy to hear. It actually sucks because you want someone
to say, you know what, this can take all your
pain away, don't worry, you don't have to go through it.
And it's really not easy to feel. But the truth
is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it, and
it just delays it or shifts it into another form,
(09:02):
and so it could end up looking like pouring a
drink when you're stressed and that becoming your habit, or
walking away from relationships the moment they get hard, or
even the moment they get good, procrastinating on your dream
because you're terrified, or failing, or saying yes when you
just mean no, just to keep the peace. And honestly,
these mechanisms they really do work. They can work for
(09:23):
a really long time, and they can feel pretty good
at the time do but eventually they show up somewhere
in our life as anxiety, as fatigue, as an illness
in our relationships, distance, resentment, confusion. There is a long
list of how they can show up in us, but
the fact is they will at some point in time
of auidence just creates this illusion of peace, but it's
(09:44):
not peace. It's just pausing. And the cost of that
pause is often this long term disconnection from ourself and
the life that we're supposed to live. And you know what,
sometimes I would really think I was doing the hard thing.
I would be convinced that I was doing the hard thing.
Look at me, I'm working long hours, I'm hustling, I'm
showing up, I'm handling so much, I'm so busy all
(10:05):
the time. I'm doing such hard things. This is hard. Okay,
the work I'm doing is hard. And I would tell
myself that, and I would tell other people that, and yes,
it is hard, Okay. I'm not diminishing the fact they're
doing work or hustling isn't difficult. But sometimes we're choosing
the version of hard that's actually familiar, or the one
that gets us approval all the one that we think
looks hard, but actually internally it's not hard for us
(10:27):
at all, and deep down we know that this isn't
really my heart. My real hard is having that difficult
conversation that I have been avoiding for god knows how long.
My real heart is picking up the phone and calling
that person that caused me a lot of pain and
that I just need to have the last conversation with.
My real heart is sitting in silence instead of always
(10:48):
saying busy, busy, busy, so I don't have to listen
to my thoughts. My real hard is looking at why
I'm still repeating this same passion in my relationships over
and over again and saying it's bad luck. My real
heart is letting someone see me fully even when I'm
not put together. We get really good at doing hard
things that look impressive, but the real transformation only comes
(11:11):
when we start doing the hard things that feel uncomfortable.
And I want to read you a little apart from
the book Atomic Habits. I'm sure you've heard of it.
It's been on New York Times bestsellers for Lord knows
how long, a long long time years, I think, And
he says, the ability to do hard things is perhaps
the most useful ability you can foster in yourself or
your children, and proof that you are someone who can
(11:34):
do them is one of the most useful assets you
can have on your life resume. Our self image is
composed of historical evidence of our abilities. The more hard
things you push yourself to do, the more competent you
will see yourself to be. So it also helps to
build confidence. By the way, that's what it's saying. The
more hard things you do, the more you see yourself
being competent to do them, the more confident you are
(11:55):
in your ability. And if you can run marathons or
throw double your body weight over your head, the sleep
deprivation from a newborn is only a mild irritant. If
you can excel at organic chemistry or econometrics, onboarding for
a new finance job will be a breeze. But if
we avoid these hard things, anything mildly challenging will seem unsurmountable.
(12:17):
We're trying to TikTok over an errant period at the
end of a text message. We'll see ourselves as incapable
of learning new skills, taking on new careers, and escaping
bad situations. The proof you can do hard things is
one of the most powerful gifts that you can give yourself.
I thought that was pretty great, really well explained, actually
in one paragraph maybe two so well explained. And so
(12:40):
avoiding pain may feel like self protection, but over time
it just becomes self abandonment. So if you are in
a season that feels messy, if you're in the middle
of something tender or real or raw, do not run
from it. This is your reminder, your loving reminder, not
to run from it. Just stay in it, breathe in it,
and let it. The more you turn toward what is difficult,
(13:03):
the more you turn toward the hard the less control
it has over you. And you know what. You fear
what you don't know. You fear what you haven't done.
But as soon as you know it and as soon
as you've done it, it's always less scary that marathon,
the exam, the driving test, I don't know, the relationship
that you're too scared to get into. The more familiar
(13:23):
it becomes, the less control it has over you, and
the easier it is to address it. So give yourself
the opportunity to build that resilience and to build that
belief in yourself that you can do hard things. If
you know what, wake up every single day, wake up
every single day and look at yourself and say, you
can do hard things. If I'm honest, I do that
(13:45):
a lot. There are so many things that I've done
in my life that I never ever believed that I
could do that. I thought in my dreams that I
would not be able to do. I never even dreamt
of doing them. And yet I found myself coming into
a situation where I got asked to or where I
was where life took me, and I thought, never thought
I'd have to deal with this, never thought that I'd
(14:05):
have to go through something like this, never thought this
opportunity would come my way. And how sad I look back,
and I think how sad would have been if I
just said, no, I'm too scared, No, this is too difficult. No,
actually I don't want to try it. It's some familiar,
it's scary. I'm gonna just leave it there. But the
more I've done, and the thing is, it trickles into everything,
(14:26):
you know, That's what's so interesting. It really moves through
your entire life. You do something difficult in one area,
it shows up in the other area. You do something
difficult in your personal life, you could show up better physically.
You do something physical that's difficult, like working out and
pushing yourself. There guarantee you that resilience shows through in
your work, in your relationships, in your ability to show
(14:48):
up and do difficult things in any other area. It
applies everywhere. So yes, okay, maybe you say no to
something that made you scared, but try to show up
somewhere else in a way that feels more comfortable. Maybe
you said no to speaking in public, but you chose
to go a little harder at the gym. Be proud
of that. You're still trying to do hard things, and
that's what's important. The more we stay in this place
(15:10):
of comfort, the more we stay in this place of
protection and just avoidance. Actually we're doing ourselves a disservice.
You think you're doing yourself a service. Let me hide away.
It's like saying you're going to go to the middle
of a forest because you don't want to get tempted
by anything. This example is given a lot in our scriptures,
(15:30):
and I always hear the monks talk about this, where
it's no use trying to take yourself out of your
desires or the things that tempt you lock yourself away
in a cupboard or a dark room, and your mind
is still going to have that. Your mind is still
going to have those thoughts, and so better that you
actually build up the protection mechanisms for when you actually
do come in contact with them, so you have the strength,
(15:53):
the resistance, the skills, the tools, the ability to protect
yourself against it. No point just stopping yourself from being
around it, because at that point you're creating a false environment.
What use is that, Oh, I don't want to eat chocolates,
I'm going to stop myself from even looking at it.
But then you go to a restaurant with your friends
and the chocolate cake is right there. Have you built
the ability to say no, no because you haven't allowed
(16:15):
yourself to And so that's such a small example, but
you can imagine how that can make a difference in
a lot in bigger and bigger issues. So, whether it's
saying no to the chocolate cake, or whether it is
saying no to a relationship that doesn't serve you, or
whether it's getting out of that job that you don't
want to be in, this it all plays a part,
(16:35):
and it all makes a difference, and so do the
damn hard thing. And I guarantee you you will not
regret it, even if you struggle through it, even if
you don't make it to the end of it. Guarantee you,
through that process of trying to do it, you will
have built up so much strength and resilience. Sending all
so much love. I hope you have a really wonderful
(16:56):
week filled with doing a few hard things, but more
things that bring you joy, and hopefully the two can
combine in some way. They don't live parallel. Hopefully at
some point there is a lane for both of them
to coexist. Have a wonderful, wonderful week. Sending you love
and send me a DM would love to hear from
you if you listen to this episode, let me know
what hard thing you are about to do and whether
(17:18):
you actually make it through and how it made you feel. Bye, guys,
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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