American Filth Bids You A Filthy Farewell! But Don't Worry...

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
School of Humans. Hello, my filth heads. I hope you've
had a fantastic past few weeks. I'm so sorry I
wasn't dropping episodes with no notice. Very rude of me,
and to continue to keep everyone very topsy turvy. I

(00:30):
come bearing big news that many of you will weep
about for years to come. American filth has come to
a close for the foreseeable future. Que crying people. But

(00:55):
that being said, while I am departing the iHeart Cinematic Universe,
I am heading out to new, uncharted territory right the
world of independent podcasting. I'm starting a couple new shows,
produced and hosted by me that will continue the work

(01:16):
of American filth by roasting America in a fun, flirty
and monotone way. You know that all of y'all have
come to love, love to hate, and hate to love.
So let me tell you about the new shows. Q
drum roll. Soon it will be illegal to criticize the

(01:41):
United States of America. So let's get ahead of our
prison camp sentences and patriotically and totally seriously declare America
is perfect. Do you guys get the sarcasm? But anyway,
in the show that's called America's Perfect. I will be

(02:02):
doing comedic commentaries on the perfect people events that are
currently shaping our perfect nation, because, as we all know,
nothing bad ever happens in America. Some things I might
be talking about that are perfect the White House, East
Wing demolition, the rise of fascism, Laura Lomer, Christian nationalism,

(02:28):
all of these perfect things that are happening. This show
will be available everywhere you get your podcasts, coming out
every other Friday. The other show I'm making is a
companion podcast to that show. It's called America Is Perfect
the Past. Basically it's the same premise, but looking at

(02:52):
the people and events of the past who created our
perfect nation. So you know, like Thomas Jefferson a perfect guy,
Ronald Reagan a perfect guy, factory working condition in the
early twentieth century. Perfect. That show will come out on
the alternating Fridays. So one week you have America's Perfect,

(03:14):
the next you have America's Perfect the Past, and that
show The Past one will be available on Patreon with
a monthly pledge of five or ten dollars, depending on
how much money you want to give me, So head
over to patreon dot com. Slash America is Perfect again

(03:34):
Patreon dot com slash America is Perfect. As the America's
Perfect podcast empire grows, I'm hoping to produce more shows,
have each one come out weekly, and then also add
additional pledge levels with even more bonus podcast content, content
content podcast podcast. You guys get it. You guys know

(03:58):
the media landscape thanks to where to listen to these
shows and the Patreon are in the description of this
episode also links to social media accounts, etc. And I
know I have a voice that sounds like I'm never
being genuine, but I truly want to thank all of

(04:21):
you for listening to American Filth for these past couple years.
It's been such a fun show to make. And I
know I still sound sarcastic, but really it's been so
fun and I've really appreciated all of your feedback, your listens,
and your interest in these disgusting topics. And I hope
you guys come along for this new venture. Here's an

(04:44):
excerpt of the first episode of America Is Perfect. The
past a little teaser, and you can listen to the
rest of the episode on the Patreon. It's there already
posted again. Patreon dot com slash America is perfect, and
I was thinking, Wow, I'm headed out into uncharted territory.
Who else did that? Well, none other than Lewis and

(05:07):
god Dang Clark. Hello, Perfect American, and welcome to the
first episode of America's Perfect the Past, the show where
we look back at all the perfect people and events
that have shaped American history, the people and events that

(05:28):
created this glorious and perfect nation because, as we all know,
nothing bad has ever happened in the United States. I'm
your host, Gabby Watts. Maybe know me from my podcast
American Filth or maybe you're a lone straggler on the
Patreon app who wanted to support a random show, or

(05:49):
even more likely, you're my mom Hi Mom, or one
of her friends Hi Mom's friends. No matter, I'm happy
you're here. And for this first episode, I'm going to
look at two of the most perfect people in American history,
none other than Meriwether Lewis and William Clark. They literally

(06:11):
never did anything wrong. You might have heard of them
from the Lewis and Clark Expedition. And they traveled, they scoured,
they searched, they mapped, they made notes, They looked at
flora and fauna, and met lots of people who already
inhabited these lands. They probably wore a raccoon tail hat.

(06:35):
And as I was saying, they literally did nothing wrong
or weird, well, except for a few things. Because some
people think that Merriwether Lewis might have died from syphilis,
syphilis he acquired whilst being an intrepid explorer of the

(06:56):
Louisiana Purchase. But you didn't hear it from me, because
I think America is perfect, and that's absolutely absurd. Something
like that could have never happened. So this is America's
perfect the past. Episode one, Lewis and Clark is perfect.

(07:29):
And yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that's not grammatically correct.
Lewis and Clark is perfect, but that is the naming
convention for the episodes, So just have fun, all right, guys.
It's the early nineteenth century, eighteen oh three. Thomas Jefferson,
who was the President of the United States at the time,
just made a big purchase, specifically of Louisiana for fifteen

(07:55):
million dollars. He bought the Louisiana purchase from Napoleon Bonaparte,
you know that short guy in France. And if I'm
being honest, guys, the Louis Louisiana purchase. It wasn't even
really Louisiana. It's like a sliver of Louisiana. And then
what's now Arkansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, part of Colorado, part

(08:16):
of Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska, just
this whole mass of land. And once Tommy Jefferson had
this land, which he had wanted for a long time,
he was like, we got to figure out what the
heck is out there. So the thing is, while France
allegedly had control of this territory, they didn't really they

(08:40):
didn't really know what was going on. And Napoleon was like, yeah,
you can have this land because it's too much effort
for us to figure it out. Also, lots of people
already lived there, lots of different indigenous tribes, you know,
the people who the land actually belonged to, the people
who had actually resided there for years and years and

(09:02):
years and years and years. But Jefferson was like, well,
bought it, so it's ours now. Also, the USA is
the best, so everything should belong to us. A perfect
way to think and behave. So Thomas Jefferson hired Merriweather
Lewis to lead an expedition into the quote unquote wilderness,

(09:24):
even though technically there were a lot of roads and
trails and villages and towns and civilizations who already lived there.
But sure, it's just wilderness. Hooms was this Meriwether Lewis, Well,
he had been a captain of the United States Infantry
and he had also been Jefferson's private secretary. They were

(09:45):
very close friends, two pals, both from Virginia, you know,
Virginia boys. They got to stick together. And so Jefferson
was like, this guy is one of my bros. He'll
do a good job. He also knows about nature and stuff.
He knows a little bit about medicine, so that means
I don't have to hire a doctor to go on
this trip. Lewis was down, but he was like, can

(10:08):
I bring my bro William Clark. Clark was another Virginian.
He had been a second lieutenant in the US Artillery,
and Lewis also thought he would be helpful because Clark's
brother was a well known Indian fighter, that's what they
called him. And so ergo. Lewis was like, he'll know

(10:28):
how to protect us against the people who rightfully inhabit
that land, but unfortunately for the expedition. While Clark might
have known some tricks to physically protect the band of explorers,
he did not know how to protect the men from
their own horny selves. And by horny I mean absolutely perfect,

(10:56):
bith heads. You can listen to the rest of that
episode of America's Perfect The Past on the Patreon Patreon
dot com slash America's Perfect The main show America Is Perfect.
We'll start coming out next week and those episodes come
out alternating Fridays. So this week America is Perfect the Past,
Next week America is Perfect, etc. Etc. Again, all of

(11:16):
those links are in the description of this episode. And
one last time, thank you so much for listening to
American Filth. I really appreciate it. So this is American
Filth signing off. Talk to you next time. School of

(11:42):
Humans

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Gabbie Watts

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