June 14, 2025 • 20 mins
If you haven’t heard, Amy and T.J. have teamed up with Yahoo to create a relationship advice column! This week’s question comes from Lisa W who asks how she can get over her guy’s connection with a female friend who claims she’s her guy’s soulmate, not Lisa W. Many of you wrote back with your comments and we discuss a few of our favorites for a lively debate.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, there are folks. Lisa w wrote to us asking
for some relationship advice. You see, her boyfriend's very rich
and very female good friend is budding into their relationship.
Lisa says he's been telling his female friend very private
things about their relationship. And get this, the female friend
even says the guy is her soulmate, not Lisa's robox.
(00:25):
Advice to Lisa run don't walk away from that relationship.
My advice, Eh, we need to ask a few questions first,
and with that, welcome to this relationship advice edition of
Amy and TJ. This episode robes a follow up to
our to our most recent Yahoo advice column.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
That's right, it was our debut Yahoo advice column And
if you haven't heard, yes, TJ and I have partnered
with Yahoo for a new relationship column. Each week on Monday,
we address one reader's relationship dilemma and then we give
our take. And then here on the Amy and TJ
podcast is where we can continue that conversation with some
(01:03):
of your takes on the relationship issue. Because yes, many
of you have put in your comments at the bottom
of our relationship advice column on Yahoo, and we definitely
encourage those of you. If you haven't checked it out,
please you can check it out every Monday and feel
free to say whatever you think is the right thing
for our person who wrote in to do You may
(01:26):
disagree with us.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I don't know why we Uh, clearly we are experts
in this field. No experts is not something we would
ever use, and it's something we joked about when we
went back and forth with Yahoo about doing this in
the first place. No, we're not saying we're experts. We're
not even saying we have expertise. Rather, we have.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Experience a lot of it, lots.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
And lots of experience in doing things right and wrong.
I mean, you go all the things people deal with,
getting married young, did that, having kids young? Did that? Divorce,
second divorce, blended families, interracial relateationship, age differences, work related
I mean, you keep going.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
On and on and on dating a coworker.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Yes, I feel like we've almost checked off every box
and I am actually good. I don't need to check
off any more boxes. I'm hoping not to check any
more boxes off. But with all of that hard earned experience,
we hope to at least help people maybe not make
some of the mistakes we did, or recognize when things
are going wrong and you need to get out before
we did. You know, those are some of the things
(02:27):
you want to take with you. You learn along the way,
and a lot of times it's to know when to leave.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
And sometimes and what I have really embraced is helping
people through it. Right. A lot of people meet us
where they are after already done something, and so it's
important to know that other folks have gone through it
and to see them on the other side and to
know how to get to the other side is very
important to us as well. We oh, and we do
(02:54):
want to say thanks to Yahoo. They reached out to
us and we were scratching our heads like somebody wants
relationship advice from us. It makes sense now, yeah, of
course it does. But for them to reach out and
think that we had some value to add to this
type of conversation, and it's something we actually.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Do love doing, yes, and we take pride in it
because we've been working really hard at hours and not
just our romantic relationship but all the relationships in our
lives after everything we've been through and to your point, TJ,
so many people have gone through something similar or something
tumultuous or something painful, and we hope we can help
each other get through all of life's difficulty.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
So yeah, certainly, I thank you to y'ahoo. If you
want to find the column, yes, it'll be up there.
You just go to yahoo dot com and go to
the life section. It should yea, our smiling faces should
pop right up very soon. But let's go to our
debut column. This week's column, the very first one, Lisa W.
Robes wrote in to us.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Yes, this is what she asked Amy and TJ. When
I started dating my boyfriend, I knew he was friendly
with this monacito socialite, a housewife whose husband often traveled
for work. I thought I'd be gaining a girlfriend in
this woman, But apparently the socialite thinks of my guy
as her kept man, a backup plan. Once she invited
(04:11):
us onto her yacht and trapped me literally at a
table where I couldn't escape. After she downed a few
big glasses of vodka, she proceeded to tell me how
my guy told her she's the one for him, if
only she weren't married. She said they were soulmates. She
also revealed conversations the two of them have had about me,
and she even knew private things I had shared with
(04:33):
my guy. Basically, she let me know that this man
was on loan to me and that if she wanted him,
she could have him. I don't want to break up
with this man. Up until this point, it's been smooth sailing.
How can I get over their connection and forgive this
breach of trust?
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Lisa W.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
And my advice in summary till Lisa W. Was obviously
you have to have an immediate conversation, not with Lisa
excuse me, not with the other woman, excuse me. You
have to have it with your boyfriend and get this
worked out, period, point blank. That's it. It's got to
get resolved, and it's not her fault. Stop looking at
(05:12):
her as the problem. She was allowed into the relationship.
She didn't just kick down the door. Somebody let her in.
It was your boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
That conversation has to happen, and I agree with you
that she absolutely has to ask and talk to her
boyfriend about this. Because this other woman to socialite, didn't
say that she was going to love you, didn't say
that she was in a committed relationship with you.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
She actually has no.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Responsibility to you or towards your feelings. It is your
boyfriend who does and so one hundred percent I agree
with that. But given that huge breach of trust, yes,
I think she should ask him questions, but I think
she should be prepared to leave.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
And I said, run, don't walk. This relationship is probably
not going to be for you, and I.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Part was the breach.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
The breach was that he was telling private, intimate things
about her to this woman. He breached her trust by
sharing intimate details of her life.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Okay, can we stop right there. Don't people in relationships
do that all the time. You go to your best
friends and you tell them intimate things all the time.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
You and I have had this conversation that we don't
do that.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
No, we do not, But I'm saying I don't find
it uncommon for folks. I've had friends come to me
and tell me intimate details of their relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
But if you're telling someone intimate details about your relationship,
someone who you trust, who then takes that information and
throws it in your girlfriend's face, then I think you
have to Then I would expect my boyfriend, and again
I know ultimatums don't work, but expect my boyfriend to
then say we can't be friends, I can't trust you,
or I can never have private conversations with you, because
clearly you not only did you tell my girlfriend what
(06:47):
I told you, but used it against her and made
her doubt herself and doubt our relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
I wondered if he was aware that the friend was
doing this in front of his girlfriend. If his girlfriend
hasn't let him know, Lisa w Lisa hasn't let him know,
then I can't imagine the other friend would have, so
he might not be unaware, that's fair.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
But once she tells him, oh, yeah, his reaction is
the dower diamond is everything. Yeah, because if he doesn't
say that is egregious. I am going to talk to
her and I am going to alter my relationship with her,
and that is the only way she could stay with him.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
An initial reaction might be the deal breaker, like just
to see the look on his face and you can
tell how this is going to go. Yeah, that's key.
That's key, all right. So that was some of the
advice we gave. You can again read the rest of
it in detail Yahoo dot com the Life section where
you can find it. But Robes you've been digging into
more of the comments that people have been sending back
than I have. We're going to read a few in particular.
(07:45):
But you said a couple themes jumped out. One had
to do with the number of men that wrote in.
And also just how men and women different?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Is ye? How they saw that very very different? And
I actually thought it was interesting and provocative.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
We had.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
I believe this was a man? Yes, head is this phenom?
Is the person who wrote in the comment?
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Or phenom? Only a man would call himself phenom? Right?
But I do like what he said.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
He said women share private secrets about their partners all
the time. It is humorous to hear a woman being
upset when a man shares a secret, and I hear
what he's saying. But if a man shared his secret
with another male friend to get like camaraderie or brotherhood,
but to share it with another woman, that's when it
feels like a betrayal.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Wait a second, wait, wait, wait, wait wait. If it's
a good friend, it's a good friend. The sex of
that friend should not matter. It only matters to a woman.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
It matters because there was a motivation behind this woman
to then throw it in her face and say.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
He I can have him whenever I want, taking it
out on the woman and not the man.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
But him sharing it with a woman was dumb?
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Okay? Was this an egregious breach of a relationship? Just
like phenom I wrote in here, he's laughing because women
do this.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
All We share it with other women.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
If we told another heterosexual man who then came up
and confronted our boyfriend and made him feel like he
was the man.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Stop the confronting part. Let's just stick with if you.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
A woman, I wouldn't like it if you shared it
with a woman. I'd be more comfortable if you shared
it with a man one hundred percent. One hundred percent,
because women judge each other and so and I don't
think that's fair.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
A man wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
So that is so true.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
If you, if you shared something private about me, one
hundred percent, would feel much more comfortable if you shared
it with a male friend of yours. If you shared
it with a female friend of yours, that would feel
like a betrayal to me.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
So I just don't feel the same. I'm trying to
reverse it and think, if you told a what.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
A heterosexual male friend of mine.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Male friend of yours, versus a girlfriend of your yours.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Would that bother Would that make a difference in how
you felt?
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Oh, your male friends are gay?
Speaker 3 (09:51):
I do have a couple heterosexual friends.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Well, then we have a problem because you've never.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Ever No, you know Chase. I'll just go ahead and say,
you know, Chase, I don't have a lot of heterosexual
male friends. Mostly they are into other men. But would
that make a difference for.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
You if you told to No, I don't think so.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
That's funny. It totally would make a difference. It's a
night and day.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I am actually using Chase as an example. No, it
would not. Wow. And maybe it's because I have a
relationship with Chase. Maybe because I know him, I've been
around him, I'm comfortable with him. Maybe I don't know.
But I I sit here and you're looking at my face.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I believe you.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
I'm just believe me that it would matter to me.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Is this next one a guy or girl? That wrote this?
Speaker 3 (10:42):
Is a guy too?
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Doctor is what he calls himself.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
You know what, No, this could be a girl. I'm
not sure who doctor is.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
First mistake is when your guy doesn't get relationship code
no female friends to the extent that they have alone
time where this kind of intimacy is happening.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I agree with that.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I think if you are in a committed relationship, having
an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex
is asking for potential problems an intimate not just a hey,
let's go out and have a drink or what what
goes beyond that? Telling personal details about your relationship to
(11:22):
a friend of the opposite sex.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
I think that's an issue.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Okay, yes, as it's been established, we get.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
But do you think that's relationship code or not?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
No? I think cases are absolutely different. I think key
to this is that your partner needs to have a
very close relationship with that friend of yours. So if
I have a very close girlfriend, you all need to
be damn close. And if we didn't all become friends together,
if it's somebody was in my life before you and
(11:55):
I started dating, then that I should never go hang
out with this other woman in the first two months,
three months of our relationship, first year, two year. Right,
you got to work somebody. You have to understand to
respect that enough. Until you're comfortable with the relationship, then
it's not gonna work.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Agreed, Okay, we can agree with that one. Okay, This
next one I think is funny. And this is the
one for sure that was written by a man. I
don't even know how to say this.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
This reader's name thought you there was a typo when
you put it in there.
Speaker 4 (12:23):
So Fuinthia, Flinthia.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Okay, this is what Punthia wrote. There is a reason
men don't have this problem. If another man said that
to me about my wife, my right fist would gladly
accept the invitation to his left cheek. If a woman
has a male friend, that male friend is absolutely laying
low until his chance to pounce. So he's saying that
men are never friends with women unless they actually want
(12:48):
to have sex with him.
Speaker 4 (12:49):
Even if he says he's attracted to other men.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
I'm gonna want to see some proof. Bring out the BF.
So I think that's really funny. He wants to see
the boyfriend. There's no way he's gonna believe that your
girl has a gay a GBF, a gay best friend.
He's saying he won't even believe that the guy is
gay until he sees the boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
This is fun and he makes a good point, and
in doing so does it in a very funny way.
This is a very key way to do it. This
is always a challenge. But I don't I don't know.
I haven't found that it's been an issue for me,
and I haven't found that it's been necessarily a challenge
With female friends in my life, I've just always had
(13:30):
them been very close. Now you and I end up, right, Yes,
you're the only female friend I ever had, I've ever
ended up dating.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Yeah, that is actually true for me too. I have
had plenty of male friends. I think in newsrooms especially, Yeah,
you know, we end up pairing up with other producers
or other anchors or correspondence. Correct, because who else's job
is from three am until eleven am and then eleven am?
What do you do?
Speaker 3 (13:55):
And everybody else is at work?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Your day's off of Wednesday Thursday too.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
So I had so many male friends who were heterosexual,
who had girlfriends or even wives, and we would go
to the movies or we would go because we yes,
and I've never dated any one of them except for you.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
So that's true. All right.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Here's the one that's funny, private writes. Now reverse the
genders of all involved and see how the advice and
comments change.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
That's exactly what we've been going at. So for about it.
It's true men view this differently, you change it. Yeah,
a man in all of these would view it differently
if they were in the position of the friend or
the position of the girlfriend you just view.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Think about this, if I had a best friend who
was a heterosexual man who had a wife so married. Right,
he comes to you and starts telling you all these
things I've said about you or said about us to him,
and then tells you that I told him if he
weren't married, he would be my guy and we were soulmates.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
You would break up with me immediately.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Oh, I would come to you immediately. I would ask
you probably a few I don't need that many direct
questions to get to what I'm getting at. But yeah,
it's worth the conversation between me and you. But I
have he is I'm done, like in life with him.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
Yeah, you're never going to hang out with him again.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Nothing. He and I are ever going to discuss again.
He's not a part of this. I'm not mad at
him nothing. This is me and you think, Baby, I'm
coming directly to you. This will get resolved in fifteen
minutes exactly. Ops.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yes, and I think that is the way to handle it,
without emotion, with purpose, and with clarity. Yes you're looking
for clarity, and okay this one Daniel, another guy. There
were so many men who wrote in that actually surprised me.
I mean, certainly women wrote into, but a lot of
men died, which I thought was pretty cool. So Daniel writes,
dating is the job interview for marriage if you don't
want to be married someday, stated up front and have
(15:48):
fun for the ride. From a male perspective, I would
not like the woman I was dating hanging out with
another male solo history or no history. The fact remains
is that very few women note the women hosting a
reply are not these women can truly remain friends with
a male. Okay, women's own worst enemy is other women.
(16:10):
They claim empowerment but consistently bring each other down. And sadly,
I do agree with you, Daniel, that is sadly true.
I don't agree with him when saying that very few
women can remain friends with a male. I actually think
that's incredibly possible. But I do agree that women's own
worst enemy is other women or themselves.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Even yeah, I don't yet. That's always a debate. That's
always a conversation about just men and women can't be
friends and stay friends and just be friends. I just
have had too many experiences in like I sit here
as a guy now dating someone who is at one
point my best friend.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
People point to us and say, oh, okay, you can
say that, but look what happened with y'all.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
That you absolutely can. But I have had an entire
life and history of female friends that this has been
a non issue. And obviously we have examples we have
seen in life, and I think people truly are just friends.
It is possible. So I absolutely would take issue, and no,
(17:10):
would never say just a blanket, no man or a
woman can be friends. Now, you should be respectful of
your relationship, yes, and say you're not going out with
a friend of the opposite sex for some intimate dinner
and then going to go hang out at the hotel
bar with them, and then you know, it's just respect
of your own relationship. That's just not a good look.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Exactly so, and I totally agree with everything you just said.
Will end with Sherry. I just thought she said this
very succinctly and it.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Made me chuckle.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
And I don't disagree with her two's company. Three's a crowd,
especially the yacht woman. She sounds like a narcissist. Let
her have him, sounds like they deserve each other.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Jeez. Okay, that's one way to look at it, Sherry.
I just have a few questions. First, nothing, I'd have
nothing to say to yacht lady. She's not a part
of this.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
I do like that mentality of not confronting the woman
who was clearly stirring the pot. Clearly was deliberately trying
to poke the bear, but it was her own insecurity.
It was her own insecurity of their relationship and wanting
him to be her backup plan. I truly believe that
the yacht woman wanted a backup plan, wanted this other
(18:24):
girl out of the way, and was very jealous of
the relationship they had, because clearly she doesn't have a
good one with her husband.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
You spoke about insecurity. Can that word be applied to
the lady who wrote in Lisa w there's an insecurity
about her own relationship. Yes, they're not for her to
be asking us and not him, immediately says a whole lot. Now,
I'm not sure. By the time this is out, maybe
she's talked to him, and I hope it has all
gotten worked out. But she came here for advice when
(18:52):
it seemed like an automatic. This is all on him,
isn't it usually our fault?
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yes? Stop, you asked the question, I gave you the answer.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Lisa w though, if you're listening, if you would ever
like to contact us or write back in or leave
a comment, we would love a follow up. We would
love to know if you confronted him. We would love
to know what happened. I'm sure listeners and readers would too,
so but we wish you the very best. I think
it's I do think there is something if she didn't
feel brave enough or confident enough to confront her boyfriend
(19:24):
at the time, I think it's cool that she was
willing to ask a question and spark a conversation so
we could all kind of think about how we would
handle it and how to best handle situations like these
may pop up. On it.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
She's working on it, and this is clearly still bothering her.
She is working on it, so I hope she's gotten
worked out, and you know what, if they can find
a way to be together. You know, I'm always rooting
for love. She says she did not want to break
up with this trend. We can find a way to
avoid that and be happy and not hurt each other,
then I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
So Lisa w we wish you the very best and
thank you for listening to us. And please again check
out our column ask Amy and TJ on yahoo dot
com Calm Quick Life and you will find us. Have
a great day, everyone,
Hey, there are folks. Lisa w wrote to us asking
for some relationship advice. You see, her boyfriend's very rich
and very female good friend is budding into their relationship.
Lisa says he's been telling his female friend very private
things about their relationship. And get this, the female friend
even says the guy is her soulmate, not Lisa's robox.
(00:25):
Advice to Lisa run don't walk away from that relationship.
My advice, Eh, we need to ask a few questions first,
and with that, welcome to this relationship advice edition of
Amy and TJ. This episode robes a follow up to
our to our most recent Yahoo advice column.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
That's right, it was our debut Yahoo advice column And
if you haven't heard, yes, TJ and I have partnered
with Yahoo for a new relationship column. Each week on Monday,
we address one reader's relationship dilemma and then we give
our take. And then here on the Amy and TJ
podcast is where we can continue that conversation with some
(01:03):
of your takes on the relationship issue. Because yes, many
of you have put in your comments at the bottom
of our relationship advice column on Yahoo, and we definitely
encourage those of you. If you haven't checked it out,
please you can check it out every Monday and feel
free to say whatever you think is the right thing
for our person who wrote in to do You may
(01:26):
disagree with us.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I don't know why we Uh, clearly we are experts
in this field. No experts is not something we would
ever use, and it's something we joked about when we
went back and forth with Yahoo about doing this in
the first place. No, we're not saying we're experts. We're
not even saying we have expertise. Rather, we have.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Experience a lot of it, lots.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
And lots of experience in doing things right and wrong.
I mean, you go all the things people deal with,
getting married young, did that, having kids young? Did that? Divorce,
second divorce, blended families, interracial relateationship, age differences, work related
I mean, you keep going.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
On and on and on dating a coworker.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Yes, I feel like we've almost checked off every box
and I am actually good. I don't need to check
off any more boxes. I'm hoping not to check any
more boxes off. But with all of that hard earned experience,
we hope to at least help people maybe not make
some of the mistakes we did, or recognize when things
are going wrong and you need to get out before
we did. You know, those are some of the things
(02:27):
you want to take with you. You learn along the way,
and a lot of times it's to know when to leave.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
And sometimes and what I have really embraced is helping
people through it. Right. A lot of people meet us
where they are after already done something, and so it's
important to know that other folks have gone through it
and to see them on the other side and to
know how to get to the other side is very
important to us as well. We oh, and we do
(02:54):
want to say thanks to Yahoo. They reached out to
us and we were scratching our heads like somebody wants
relationship advice from us. It makes sense now, yeah, of
course it does. But for them to reach out and
think that we had some value to add to this
type of conversation, and it's something we actually.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Do love doing, yes, and we take pride in it
because we've been working really hard at hours and not
just our romantic relationship but all the relationships in our
lives after everything we've been through and to your point, TJ,
so many people have gone through something similar or something
tumultuous or something painful, and we hope we can help
each other get through all of life's difficulty.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
So yeah, certainly, I thank you to y'ahoo. If you
want to find the column, yes, it'll be up there.
You just go to yahoo dot com and go to
the life section. It should yea, our smiling faces should
pop right up very soon. But let's go to our
debut column. This week's column, the very first one, Lisa W.
Robes wrote in to us.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Yes, this is what she asked Amy and TJ. When
I started dating my boyfriend, I knew he was friendly
with this monacito socialite, a housewife whose husband often traveled
for work. I thought I'd be gaining a girlfriend in
this woman, But apparently the socialite thinks of my guy
as her kept man, a backup plan. Once she invited
(04:11):
us onto her yacht and trapped me literally at a
table where I couldn't escape. After she downed a few
big glasses of vodka, she proceeded to tell me how
my guy told her she's the one for him, if
only she weren't married. She said they were soulmates. She
also revealed conversations the two of them have had about me,
and she even knew private things I had shared with
(04:33):
my guy. Basically, she let me know that this man
was on loan to me and that if she wanted him,
she could have him. I don't want to break up
with this man. Up until this point, it's been smooth sailing.
How can I get over their connection and forgive this
breach of trust?
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Lisa W.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
And my advice in summary till Lisa W. Was obviously
you have to have an immediate conversation, not with Lisa
excuse me, not with the other woman, excuse me. You
have to have it with your boyfriend and get this
worked out, period, point blank. That's it. It's got to
get resolved, and it's not her fault. Stop looking at
(05:12):
her as the problem. She was allowed into the relationship.
She didn't just kick down the door. Somebody let her in.
It was your boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
That conversation has to happen, and I agree with you
that she absolutely has to ask and talk to her
boyfriend about this. Because this other woman to socialite, didn't
say that she was going to love you, didn't say
that she was in a committed relationship with you.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
She actually has no.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Responsibility to you or towards your feelings. It is your
boyfriend who does and so one hundred percent I agree
with that. But given that huge breach of trust, yes,
I think she should ask him questions, but I think
she should be prepared to leave.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
And I said, run, don't walk. This relationship is probably
not going to be for you, and I.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Part was the breach.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
The breach was that he was telling private, intimate things
about her to this woman. He breached her trust by
sharing intimate details of her life.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Okay, can we stop right there. Don't people in relationships
do that all the time. You go to your best
friends and you tell them intimate things all the time.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
You and I have had this conversation that we don't
do that.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
No, we do not, But I'm saying I don't find
it uncommon for folks. I've had friends come to me
and tell me intimate details of their relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
But if you're telling someone intimate details about your relationship,
someone who you trust, who then takes that information and
throws it in your girlfriend's face, then I think you
have to Then I would expect my boyfriend, and again
I know ultimatums don't work, but expect my boyfriend to
then say we can't be friends, I can't trust you,
or I can never have private conversations with you, because
clearly you not only did you tell my girlfriend what
(06:47):
I told you, but used it against her and made
her doubt herself and doubt our relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
I wondered if he was aware that the friend was
doing this in front of his girlfriend. If his girlfriend
hasn't let him know, Lisa w Lisa hasn't let him know,
then I can't imagine the other friend would have, so
he might not be unaware, that's fair.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
But once she tells him, oh, yeah, his reaction is
the dower diamond is everything. Yeah, because if he doesn't
say that is egregious. I am going to talk to
her and I am going to alter my relationship with her,
and that is the only way she could stay with him.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
An initial reaction might be the deal breaker, like just
to see the look on his face and you can
tell how this is going to go. Yeah, that's key.
That's key, all right. So that was some of the
advice we gave. You can again read the rest of
it in detail Yahoo dot com the Life section where
you can find it. But Robes you've been digging into
more of the comments that people have been sending back
than I have. We're going to read a few in particular.
(07:45):
But you said a couple themes jumped out. One had
to do with the number of men that wrote in.
And also just how men and women different?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Is ye? How they saw that very very different? And
I actually thought it was interesting and provocative.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
We had.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
I believe this was a man? Yes, head is this phenom?
Is the person who wrote in the comment?
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Or phenom? Only a man would call himself phenom? Right?
But I do like what he said.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
He said women share private secrets about their partners all
the time. It is humorous to hear a woman being
upset when a man shares a secret, and I hear
what he's saying. But if a man shared his secret
with another male friend to get like camaraderie or brotherhood,
but to share it with another woman, that's when it
feels like a betrayal.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Wait a second, wait, wait, wait, wait wait. If it's
a good friend, it's a good friend. The sex of
that friend should not matter. It only matters to a woman.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
It matters because there was a motivation behind this woman
to then throw it in her face and say.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
He I can have him whenever I want, taking it
out on the woman and not the man.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
But him sharing it with a woman was dumb?
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Okay? Was this an egregious breach of a relationship? Just
like phenom I wrote in here, he's laughing because women
do this.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
All We share it with other women.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
If we told another heterosexual man who then came up
and confronted our boyfriend and made him feel like he
was the man.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Stop the confronting part. Let's just stick with if you.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
A woman, I wouldn't like it if you shared it
with a woman. I'd be more comfortable if you shared
it with a man one hundred percent. One hundred percent,
because women judge each other and so and I don't
think that's fair.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
A man wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (09:20):
So that is so true.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
If you, if you shared something private about me, one
hundred percent, would feel much more comfortable if you shared
it with a male friend of yours. If you shared
it with a female friend of yours, that would feel
like a betrayal to me.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
So I just don't feel the same. I'm trying to
reverse it and think, if you told a what.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
A heterosexual male friend of mine.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Male friend of yours, versus a girlfriend of your yours.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Would that bother Would that make a difference in how
you felt?
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Oh, your male friends are gay?
Speaker 3 (09:51):
I do have a couple heterosexual friends.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Well, then we have a problem because you've never.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Ever No, you know Chase. I'll just go ahead and say,
you know, Chase, I don't have a lot of heterosexual
male friends. Mostly they are into other men. But would
that make a difference for.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
You if you told to No, I don't think so.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
That's funny. It totally would make a difference. It's a
night and day.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
I am actually using Chase as an example. No, it
would not. Wow. And maybe it's because I have a
relationship with Chase. Maybe because I know him, I've been
around him, I'm comfortable with him. Maybe I don't know.
But I I sit here and you're looking at my face.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I believe you.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
I'm just believe me that it would matter to me.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Is this next one a guy or girl? That wrote this?
Speaker 3 (10:42):
Is a guy too?
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Doctor is what he calls himself.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
You know what, No, this could be a girl. I'm
not sure who doctor is.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
First mistake is when your guy doesn't get relationship code
no female friends to the extent that they have alone
time where this kind of intimacy is happening.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I agree with that.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I think if you are in a committed relationship, having
an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex
is asking for potential problems an intimate not just a hey,
let's go out and have a drink or what what
goes beyond that? Telling personal details about your relationship to
(11:22):
a friend of the opposite sex.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
I think that's an issue.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Okay, yes, as it's been established, we get.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
But do you think that's relationship code or not?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
No? I think cases are absolutely different. I think key
to this is that your partner needs to have a
very close relationship with that friend of yours. So if
I have a very close girlfriend, you all need to
be damn close. And if we didn't all become friends together,
if it's somebody was in my life before you and
(11:55):
I started dating, then that I should never go hang
out with this other woman in the first two months,
three months of our relationship, first year, two year. Right,
you got to work somebody. You have to understand to
respect that enough. Until you're comfortable with the relationship, then
it's not gonna work.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Agreed, Okay, we can agree with that one. Okay, This
next one I think is funny. And this is the
one for sure that was written by a man. I
don't even know how to say this.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
This reader's name thought you there was a typo when
you put it in there.
Speaker 4 (12:23):
So Fuinthia, Flinthia.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Okay, this is what Punthia wrote. There is a reason
men don't have this problem. If another man said that
to me about my wife, my right fist would gladly
accept the invitation to his left cheek. If a woman
has a male friend, that male friend is absolutely laying
low until his chance to pounce. So he's saying that
men are never friends with women unless they actually want
(12:48):
to have sex with him.
Speaker 4 (12:49):
Even if he says he's attracted to other men.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
I'm gonna want to see some proof. Bring out the BF.
So I think that's really funny. He wants to see
the boyfriend. There's no way he's gonna believe that your
girl has a gay a GBF, a gay best friend.
He's saying he won't even believe that the guy is
gay until he sees the boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
This is fun and he makes a good point, and
in doing so does it in a very funny way.
This is a very key way to do it. This
is always a challenge. But I don't I don't know.
I haven't found that it's been an issue for me,
and I haven't found that it's been necessarily a challenge
With female friends in my life, I've just always had
(13:30):
them been very close. Now you and I end up, right, Yes,
you're the only female friend I ever had, I've ever
ended up dating.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Yeah, that is actually true for me too. I have
had plenty of male friends. I think in newsrooms especially, Yeah,
you know, we end up pairing up with other producers
or other anchors or correspondence. Correct, because who else's job
is from three am until eleven am and then eleven am?
What do you do?
Speaker 3 (13:55):
And everybody else is at work?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Your day's off of Wednesday Thursday too.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
So I had so many male friends who were heterosexual,
who had girlfriends or even wives, and we would go
to the movies or we would go because we yes,
and I've never dated any one of them except for you.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
So that's true. All right.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Here's the one that's funny, private writes. Now reverse the
genders of all involved and see how the advice and
comments change.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
That's exactly what we've been going at. So for about it.
It's true men view this differently, you change it. Yeah,
a man in all of these would view it differently
if they were in the position of the friend or
the position of the girlfriend you just view.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Think about this, if I had a best friend who
was a heterosexual man who had a wife so married. Right,
he comes to you and starts telling you all these
things I've said about you or said about us to him,
and then tells you that I told him if he
weren't married, he would be my guy and we were soulmates.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
You would break up with me immediately.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Oh, I would come to you immediately. I would ask
you probably a few I don't need that many direct
questions to get to what I'm getting at. But yeah,
it's worth the conversation between me and you. But I
have he is I'm done, like in life with him.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
Yeah, you're never going to hang out with him again.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Nothing. He and I are ever going to discuss again.
He's not a part of this. I'm not mad at
him nothing. This is me and you think, Baby, I'm
coming directly to you. This will get resolved in fifteen
minutes exactly. Ops.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yes, and I think that is the way to handle it,
without emotion, with purpose, and with clarity. Yes you're looking
for clarity, and okay this one Daniel, another guy. There
were so many men who wrote in that actually surprised me.
I mean, certainly women wrote into, but a lot of
men died, which I thought was pretty cool. So Daniel writes,
dating is the job interview for marriage if you don't
want to be married someday, stated up front and have
(15:48):
fun for the ride. From a male perspective, I would
not like the woman I was dating hanging out with
another male solo history or no history. The fact remains
is that very few women note the women hosting a
reply are not these women can truly remain friends with
a male. Okay, women's own worst enemy is other women.
(16:10):
They claim empowerment but consistently bring each other down. And sadly,
I do agree with you, Daniel, that is sadly true.
I don't agree with him when saying that very few
women can remain friends with a male. I actually think
that's incredibly possible. But I do agree that women's own
worst enemy is other women or themselves.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Even yeah, I don't yet. That's always a debate. That's
always a conversation about just men and women can't be
friends and stay friends and just be friends. I just
have had too many experiences in like I sit here
as a guy now dating someone who is at one
point my best friend.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
People point to us and say, oh, okay, you can
say that, but look what happened with y'all.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
That you absolutely can. But I have had an entire
life and history of female friends that this has been
a non issue. And obviously we have examples we have
seen in life, and I think people truly are just friends.
It is possible. So I absolutely would take issue, and no,
(17:10):
would never say just a blanket, no man or a
woman can be friends. Now, you should be respectful of
your relationship, yes, and say you're not going out with
a friend of the opposite sex for some intimate dinner
and then going to go hang out at the hotel
bar with them, and then you know, it's just respect
of your own relationship. That's just not a good look.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Exactly so, and I totally agree with everything you just said.
Will end with Sherry. I just thought she said this
very succinctly and it.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Made me chuckle.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
And I don't disagree with her two's company. Three's a crowd,
especially the yacht woman. She sounds like a narcissist. Let
her have him, sounds like they deserve each other.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Jeez. Okay, that's one way to look at it, Sherry.
I just have a few questions. First, nothing, I'd have
nothing to say to yacht lady. She's not a part
of this.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
I do like that mentality of not confronting the woman
who was clearly stirring the pot. Clearly was deliberately trying
to poke the bear, but it was her own insecurity.
It was her own insecurity of their relationship and wanting
him to be her backup plan. I truly believe that
the yacht woman wanted a backup plan, wanted this other
(18:24):
girl out of the way, and was very jealous of
the relationship they had, because clearly she doesn't have a
good one with her husband.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
You spoke about insecurity. Can that word be applied to
the lady who wrote in Lisa w there's an insecurity
about her own relationship. Yes, they're not for her to
be asking us and not him, immediately says a whole lot. Now,
I'm not sure. By the time this is out, maybe
she's talked to him, and I hope it has all
gotten worked out. But she came here for advice when
(18:52):
it seemed like an automatic. This is all on him,
isn't it usually our fault?
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yes? Stop, you asked the question, I gave you the answer.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Lisa w though, if you're listening, if you would ever
like to contact us or write back in or leave
a comment, we would love a follow up. We would
love to know if you confronted him. We would love
to know what happened. I'm sure listeners and readers would too,
so but we wish you the very best. I think
it's I do think there is something if she didn't
feel brave enough or confident enough to confront her boyfriend
(19:24):
at the time, I think it's cool that she was
willing to ask a question and spark a conversation so
we could all kind of think about how we would
handle it and how to best handle situations like these
may pop up. On it.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
She's working on it, and this is clearly still bothering her.
She is working on it, so I hope she's gotten
worked out, and you know what, if they can find
a way to be together. You know, I'm always rooting
for love. She says she did not want to break
up with this trend. We can find a way to
avoid that and be happy and not hurt each other,
then I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
So Lisa w we wish you the very best and
thank you for listening to us. And please again check
out our column ask Amy and TJ on yahoo dot
com Calm Quick Life and you will find us. Have
a great day, everyone,
Hosts And Creators
Amy Robach
T.J. Holmes
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