October 16, 2022 • 24 mins
Welcome to IRL #TakeAways! The in-between audio-only podcast where Angie and special guests reflect on episode responses, takeaways, and highlights.
On this week's #TakeAway, we speak to Taylor, the self-proclaimed Daddy's girl, and EmEz, the stubborn guy battling with reconnecting with his own father from the Empty Thoughts podcast to hear their feedback.
And yes, the moment you have all been waiting on, we get to speak to the private investigator that helped Angie locate her father. Jay, from birthparentfinder.com, joins us to discuss the do's & dont's of finding a family member and shares some stories of his most memorable reconnections.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Andie Martinez in Real Life podcast. This episode and conversation
is powered by I Do Say, the Andie Martinez I
r L podcast. This is now an extension to that,
and it's called I r L Takeaways. UM. So I
decided to do these in between pods, um just to
kind of connect with you guys. Number one, to say
(00:21):
thank you because the response to this Kelly Rowland episode
has been unbelievable, I mean all of them. What happens
is we drop an episode of an interview and then
I read all your comments and I get all the
reaction and I almost I need a space to talk
to you guys. Or I get a chance to collect
all the takeaways, all the things that people connected to most,
all the things that I connected to most after a conversation.
(00:43):
So in between these interview podcasts, M moving forward, I'm
going to uh drop I r L Takeaway. It will
be only audio only, So shout out to all my
subscribers of the audio podcast. I appreciate you. Uh if
you're just listening now for the first time, please subscribe
so you get these bonus I r L Takeaway episodes. UH.
So today, Yeah, we'll just do kind of like a
recap of this Kelly Roland episode, which I love so
(01:06):
much and thank you guys so much for the incredible
feedback on it. Um, we're gonna talk to actually the
private investigator that found my father. Um. For those of
you who didn't see the Kelly Roland episode, it is
a lot about my connection to Kelly in terms of
her reconnecting with her father and then my attempt to
reconnect with my father, uh to find out that he
(01:28):
was not interested in reconnecting and all of that what
that brought up for me. Um, but also talking about
daddy issues and resolving them and UH, it is a
great interview, and I hope you guys take a moment
to check it out if you haven't already. So we're
gonna talk to the private investigator who actually found my father,
uh and give us some tips for anybody who out
there who's interested in reconnecting with a family member, because
(01:50):
I learned a lot in the process, Like number one,
you don't just show up at somebody's house and knock
on their door. That is not the protocol for reconnecting
with lost loved one. So we're gonna talk to him
and he's gonna give you some of those pointers coming
up in just a few minutes. But um, but in
the meantime, my show producer Brittany's in here with me
right now and um, M easy who um produces my
(02:13):
radio show. Uh and M does a podcast. What is
it a podcast that you do with Taylor. Yes, it's
a podcast called empty Thoughts. We have a lot of
wild things we think about it about that day and
sometimes you just want to express it. Okay, I heard you,
heard you, So you and Taylor. I asked you to
come in the room for a second because I was
at the elevator and Taylor was telling me that she
connected with this episode and watched it and she was
(02:36):
very moved by it. And um, and so, since this
is like takeaways, I was definitely curious about some of
your takeaways from the episode. I was, I was so
and you'r is telling your story. I was like, and
I'm a daddy's girl too, so I'm just like, you
grew up with your dad? Yeah? Yeah, So I was
just like, do people who are daddy's girls have daddy
issues too? I the only daddy issue and issues, I
(02:59):
don't know if it's daddy it's not daddy issues. I
have issues, but it's not daddy issues. But um, I
would just say the only dad issue to have is
like my dad's on a pedestal, So like a lot
of these guys got to measure up to that. That's
how I look at it. That's a good pedestal. That's
a good daddy issue. Any of the daddy issues, I
think that's probably the best one. Is that you want
to find a partner that's gonna love you, or somebody's
(03:20):
gonna treat you. I mean, nobody's gonna nobody's gonna treat
you like I'm realizing that too, And these guys can't
match up. Is that a daddy issue or is that
a daddy saddy? I think that's the way it should be. Yeah,
that's what I said. They're not wrong with high standards, Taylor.
(03:41):
But what else? What are the things can we tap
into from this episode? Oh? I really liked um you
know what hit me? When my parents are young parents, right,
So my mom had me with shoes eighteen, So growing
up I always idolized my parents, right, But then they
had a rough patch in their marriage, and as I
(04:02):
got older, I started to see them for like humans.
And Kelly talks a little bit about that, like that
forgiveness spot and like seeing them from being a human
with flaws. Yeah, I love that part part. Kelly said,
she was like, I was gonna tell him about himself.
He was this, he was that. Then she she said,
he walked in and I could just see like his
age and the time, and she's older too and understanding. Yeah,
(04:26):
but then you see them as a human being. You
see this man who's been through all these things. He
got over his alcoholism. I'm talking about her father. He
he was ready to reconnect. Like she just let him
be who he is and got to know him. And
I love that point point to that where they talk
about getting to know each other. She was so great.
One of my other favorite parts of the episode, um
(04:47):
is when we talk about her standing next to Beyonce. Yeah,
because I almost didn't want to bring up Beyonce the
whole interview because I just feel like, probably earlier in
their career is there's always this thing about Beyonce and
and Destiny's child, and Kelly has always been so dope
and so bright and so talented that I always try
(05:09):
to make sure that I'm giving her her own light
in her own moment and not falling. You know, Beyonce's
clickbait for anybody. So if you're interviewing Kelly and you
get a Beyonce moment or she says something, and then
everybody uses that, and so I'm sensitive to that. So
we really didn't. I really was going to not talk
about Beyonce at all, just so I could make sure
I didn't make her feel that way in anyway. But
(05:31):
then we were talking about her being at Coachella and
she was saying how much fun she had with the girls,
and and it really was a dope moment. I love
seeing that, but I feel like also a lot of
people saw that, and well what I like my friends,
I always was a Kelly fan, so I wasn't. I
never looked at her like number two. Yeah, I never
looked at her like that, like I would be excited
(05:54):
when she had she was singing first or something like
like she got and she's gorgeous and right the thing
she had. She's her own light. But it is to
be said because Beyonce is a one of a client
(06:14):
type of life. That's why she is as big as
she is across the globe. Because you can't deny what
that is. No matter who is standing next to her,
she is Beyonce. But the fact that Kelly can stand
next to her whole life and be as bright and
be as bright, and be as encouraging, supportive and never
resentful and never It's not just the thing to not
(06:37):
be resentful, it's a thing to also be able to
be feel good about you not compare yourself because comparison
is like the fucking worst thing we do to ourselves.
A lot of people could benefit from that lesson from Kelly.
That's what I'm saying. I love I love that she
said that, and so I'm glad that we did talk
about Beyonce just a little bit in the episode. I mean,
I could do a whole episode about but that that
(06:59):
would be for your time. UM well, I would say
another thing is, just from some of the comments, is
there's a lot of people out there that, um, you
know that either want to reconnect or curious or thinking
about the idea of connecting with a a parent or
a family member. I'm dealing with that right now. What
(07:21):
what and easy? And you're sitting next to us every day.
You never mentioned this. Um, Me and my father weren't
on the greatest terms. I spent a year from with
him in Florida, and I escaped and never looked back.
And now that I've had kids, my mom and my
wife are trying to get me to open that door
and reconnect with him. So I'm trying to open up
(07:42):
my heart to that. How many years ago is that? Uh?
I want to say, ninety three? You haven't you know where?
You know where he is, and he knows where you are.
My mom is the connection between the two of us.
When he found out I was having kids, he sent
the money. I sent him a letter like it's not terrible,
(08:03):
but it's I think I just need to get out
of my own way and just let it happen. Has
he tried to connect with you, Yes, it's just when
I needed you, you wasn't there. I don't need you
right now, so what do we But I know it's
just so that's totally you being stubborn, and who knows
what type of relationship he'll have. Sometimes not great parents
(08:25):
are amazing grandparents. No, it's really true. I mean my
mother was a great mother, but there's a different type
of love. You see, I don't know I see her
with Niko and I'm like, Mom, you're not gonna get
on his case about that. There's a different type of
love that grandparents have. So if not for yourself, which
you might be surprised, you might connect with him and
(08:47):
like it or not whatever, but it might give him
a chance to be a grandparent. I'm trying to do
it this year. I'm putting together a family re union.
I'm gonna invite yeah, yeah, for you. And by the way,
whether it goes well Kelly Rowland h Kelly Rowland version
or doesn't go as well and Martinez version, it's it's
(09:08):
you opening your heart. It's you with the forgiveness. It's
this is what I learned from Kelly in this episode.
It's you who showing the grace. So no matter how
it ends, you might reconnect with him and be like,
you know what, I was better without him in my life,
and that might happen, But you are letting it go
and you are giving it a chance, and that shows
your heart and your grace. So do that for your kids. Man,
(09:29):
please come back on the pod and we'll discuss how
it wins. But but there are people who don't even
know where their parents are. So I've actually got the
detective calling in. He is the one. He is the
one who found Evelyn's grandfather and my father, and he
were going to talk to him a little bit about
what those steps are for people who are looking to reconnect,
because like for me, I didn't have the notion of honestly,
(09:52):
if he didn't tell me you shouldn't call, let me
call first, I would have just showed up and think
that guy was gonna be like ok. He was like no, No,
people have lives and they're buried, and you showing up.
It's not always going to be the best idea. So
I was like okay, and then he called, and that's
when I found out that he didn't want to talk
(10:12):
to me. He didn't want to connect. But had I
not known that from this man, I might have ran
into something that could have been really, really really bad. Yeah,
who knows. So, Um, anyway, I think he's we're going
to get him on the phone now, so I have
(10:33):
J on the phone. He is from birth parent finder
dot com. J is the person who actually found Evelyn
Lozada's grandfather and then was the person that found my father. Um,
so I don't know if first of all, Hi J H,
thank you so much for taking time today. I don't
know if you know what. I told the story on
(10:55):
my uh this past episode of my podcast with Kelly
Rowland about um about you finding my father and the
whole evalence story and how it and I did and
I watched it. Oh you did watch it? I did?
What did you think? Uh? You know what it was?
It was beautifully done. Actually, really thank you? Thank you? Yeah?
(11:16):
Was any of it surprising to you? I didn't know
you were going in public with it, and when E
told me about it, like a wow, that's amazing. Good
for you. Yeah. Yeah, because I think there's a lot
of people in um, you know that can can. I
think there's a lot of people that kind of go
through similar experiences. And also I was so fascinated with
Kelly's journey that she's been through and wondering what you know,
(11:39):
because anyway, just having that connection about daddy issues and
how the generation you know, how generational issues can affect
not only you but your kids and and all that.
So I thought it was an important conversation to have
and she was great. But what happened was when we
dropped the episode, I realized from some of the comments
and some of the reaction. How many people connected to that,
(12:01):
and then how many people were are in the process
of thinking about reconnecting with a family member. Um, and
I talked about how you kind of guided me through that,
and I don't know. I guess I would ask you,
is what, as a professional somebody who does this all
the time and reconnects families and finds people, what is
the first step when when someone's having that that thought. Well,
(12:24):
as you know, the first step is knowing whether you're ready.
Are you ready for this information? Are you ready to
find out more about your whether it's your mother or
your father or a sibling. Do you need to know
that right away? And we want to know the reason. Um.
Sometimes they want to know what they look like, sometimes
they want medical history information. It varies with people. But
(12:44):
I just really want to make sure you're ready. And
then after that I need to know obviously what information
you have for us to find out m M and
then you go looking for them exactly. But I will
say this, and I said this to Kelly, Kelly, I
it didn't occur to me until you said it to me, UM,
that not not all people want to be reconnected with
(13:09):
Definitely on the other side, the people that are being
looked for, like a lot of times the parents or
the family members. Um, they are not open to it. No,
that I would say that happens probably of the time.
So so you advised, So you advised me not to
make the call myself or not to be like intrusive
and show up like the in the movies, like people
(13:30):
go and they knock on the door and like, Hi,
here you I found my long lost parent. You you
actually kind of uh, don't think people should do that. Correct, No,
that's the worst thing. And believe or not. In my
company's contract, we actually have that thing. Do not reach
out on your own. That's what you pay us to do,
and that's what we're professionals. Yeah, but why so why why?
(13:52):
Why is that exactly? Like, why do you tell people
not to just show up? Like what do people face?
Because they may be never told anyone and they will
take us to the grave and if if there, if
their child answers the door, who they never told? That's traumatic,
it really is. And I can tell you a quick
story real quick. This is this is funny. I am
(14:12):
very rarely do I go out and knock on someone's
door because these cases all over the country, and I
had a case where I this lady didn't live too
far from me. She was a birth mother, couldn't get
ahold of her biphone. So I actually went to her house,
knocked on her door. She opened the door, and I
told her who I was, explained to her, and she said,
I'll get back to you, and then she called me
the next thing, and she goes, you're not gonna believe this.
But when we were talking, my ring camera went up
(14:34):
and my kids heard the entire conversation, and I never
told them about my daughter. It's like, oh my god,
I had no clue. But it all worked out fine.
But that's a really weird way to tell someone. But
that goes back to saying, you know, you'd never want
to reach out on your own. Have you witnessed anybody
do that. I haven't witnessed it in person, but I've
(14:55):
heard horror stories about showing up with flowers to your
birth mother's residents and saying, hi, I'm your in law's
daughter and the birth mother passing out. Oh God. It's
also probably people have to be prepared for that moment, right,
Like someone has to be kind of prepped right, and
we don't know the circumstances, and I get these I
actually have been going on right now, the circumstances with
(15:15):
the birth mother was sexually assaulted back in the nineteen
sixties debt. You know, it was very different back then.
If you say, hey, I was sexually assaulted, the police
or nobody really does anything different from today. So they
she puts the child up for adoption, doesn't tell anyone,
doesn't tell anyone the circumstances, and now this is all rehashed,
(15:37):
but it gets rehashed through me, and I try to
do my very best, and sometimes I don't even tell
my clients that that's what happened because that could be
traumatic for my client. That this must be an emotional
process to watch people go through this whole thing and
finding these long laws because it's not always parents, right,
Sometimes it's just other relatives, grandparents or siblings to siblings. Yeah. Yeah,
(16:01):
But I'm sure you've seen happy endings too, huh. Most
of the time they they end very well. And we
we we have a little TV segment that we do
in Los Angeles, and we always felt heartwarming reunion stories
that that's that's what brings people together. Yeah, what's the
best one give me, because Kelly Rowlands is pretty great.
What I loved about Kelly's is that he was ready.
(16:23):
She was ready. He was in a better place. He
used to have, you know, alcohol problems, and he had
gotten past that. So they were both ready. So they
both come to the table with like open hearts and
and they're now they're learning how to be you know
in this relationship. Is a great story to me. And
he gets to have this relationship with her kids, her
kids get to be reunited with their grandfather. It's uh,
(16:44):
you know, I think that that was a great story.
I'm sure you have one. They're all good stories. But
the one that stands us to most to me as
far as a great story, um was. I was hired
by this woman probably thirty years old, and she was
raised by a woman who was actually her grandmother, but
she was told that that person was her mother, and
it's actually her sister was her mother. It was because
(17:05):
her sister was sixteen at the time, and he said,
let's just say, your grandmother's your mother. So she took
a DNA test and that's how she found out that
her sister was her mother. My job was to find
her father. So your DNA found the father and this
guy had no clue whatsoever that he fathered a child.
So we did a zoom reunion. He lived in a
different state. We did a zoom reunion with her and
(17:27):
him on Father's Day, and as soon as she said
Happy Father's Day, the whole room was bawling. It was
just so emotional. And that's that's actually had my Instagram page.
It's it's it's a It was unbelievable, it was. It
was so heartwarming, but it was it was very confusing,
wasn't it. I mean, think about it. She she's raised
all this time by her grandmother, thinking that's her mother.
(17:50):
She so how do you do that? Yeah, so DNA does.
The DNA take a big, big part of what you
guys do. DNA is a major part of it. But
what great about New York? The State of New York,
right when the pandemic hit, they opened their birth records
so an adoptee can get their original birth certificate from
the State of New York. And when that happened, we
(18:10):
just got so many cases in New York because they
get their original birth certificate, then they're going to see
a name on it, but that's a maiden name, so
they're not gonna know what to do. So they hire
us and we find the mother, We get if she's alive,
get her contact information, reach out, and the majority these
cases they work out very well. But I have to
explain to the mother that even though this was a
(18:31):
closed adoption, the records are now available and a lot
of times they didn't realize that, so you have to
explain that. Yeah, Um, I just have a question because
there might be some people that are interested. But is
this an expensive process? It's it's all relative. I mean,
what what do you consider expensive? It really depends on
the situation. I guess I was asking for maybe somebody
(18:51):
who wanted to do this on their own or financially
they couldn't hire somebody to help them, and they're not
in that position. Like if somebody wanted to try to
just find a family. Remember, is there a place to start?
Take a DNA test, And I prefer ancestry dot com
because more people test with that company. And then if
you find a first cousin, you may be able to
(19:13):
figure out who your birth parent did it, depending on
what non identifying information you have on that person. But
most people just can't figure that out and then they
hires to solve the case. Well, thank you so much.
I thank you for all of it. I think, I mean,
this was this was a turn for me that I
didn't expect. I had evident on the show she mentioned
what you what you did for her, and then after
I said, okay, sure if you found a picture of
(19:34):
my father two days later. I don't know how you
did it, but you sent me a photo and knew
everything about his life, which was I mean, it was fascinating.
And you also gave me great advice in terms of
not you know, calling myself or not showing up myself.
I'm definitely grateful for that, for that advice because his
wife didn't know. Yeah, I know, I know. Uh. Well,
(19:56):
thank you for your time, J. I appreciate it so much.
Your very and if people want to contact you specifically
or your company specifically, it is birth parent finder dot
com correct birth parent finder dot com and they can
find us on social media Instagram at birth parent finder.
All right, J, take care, Thank you so much. Thank you. Okay, bye,
that was great. So wait, M while we have you
(20:20):
still in the room. First of all, um, so talk
about your story. I mean, you have a different story
because you're not looking for your father. You know exactly
where your father is. But if you do decide to reconnect,
do you just show up with flowers? Well? Do you
call and prepare him and give him mentally time and
emotionally time to show up to connect with you too. Um.
(20:44):
I don't have any expectations when it comes to meeting
my dad because I think, like Kelly Rowland said, I
don't want to go in there with with all these
emotions and then he hits me with that I missed you,
and I'm like, just shows you down. So I'm going
in there with no expectation and just hoping that you
just love Yeah, Oh, I love that. I think you
should do it sooner than later. I have a plan
(21:07):
for the summertime about my birthday. There's a secret I'll
tell you off and that's happening that so, but you
are committed to this. I think it's the missing piece
in my life. I love that. It's funny how many
people connect with this topic, whether you're looking for somebody
or you're just disconnected just from somebody and you have
like this, like I don't know, just this like want
or desire to reconnect with somebody that you care about something,
(21:30):
especially a parent. I mean, you can't, you know, It's
that's different. After we finished the episode with Kelly Rowland
our our film are, the director of the episode actually
came over and he really doesn't I don't know not
too much about him. I had just met him. He's
done a few episodes for us. I don't know anything
about his personal life. And at the end of the
Kelly Rolling episode, he came over and told us that
he had he tried to reconnect with his father. His
(21:51):
father also wasn't interested in connecting with him, so he
connected to my version of the story. Uh. And we
had this group hug and Kelly is so sweet. I mean,
Kelly is like the most gracious person, so art. So
the director talking me, then Kelly comes over and she's talking.
I mean, it was like a real nice moment after
the episode. Um, but you know, that's what this is about,
(22:12):
sharing our stories, connected with people, making everybody feel like,
you know, seeing and and um yeah, and it's it's
stipe when it comes back around. So um yeah. So
thank you guys, And if you haven't checked out to
Kelly Roland episode. It is definitely worth it. I took
a lot away from it. I thank her for that.
And I don't know, just this one little other thought
(22:35):
this takes I had a comment this is what the
takeaways are about, right, So we watched the episodes and
then we had what what was inspired by? What thoughts?
What conversations? And I do want to include you guys
who have been commenting and subscribing and um sending notes
on socials. I read all the comments. I can't reply
to every comment because I also have to do things
in life, but but I read all the comments. So um,
(22:58):
this will be a space hopefully these by week takeaway
podcasts that we can talk about some of your reactions
to some of the episode. So I really appreciate that.
And I did see a lot of people that were
debating whether or not to move forward with reconnecting. And
I did have a conversation with somebody that I did
want to share that goes back to what Kelly Rowland
(23:20):
was saying about the fact that what does it say
about you? It's not about the other person. What does
it say about you about forgiveness, about letting go, about
living your life with love and not fear. UM, I
don't know. For me, I have no regrets UM. And
if you are thinking about it, you've got to do
what's right for you. But we wish you luck and
(23:41):
I hope that something in this conversation maybe you could
use as a takeaway in your own life. UM. So
thank you guys so much for checking out the episode.
If you haven't yet, it's on my YouTube page and
Martinez in real life. Please make sure you subscribe and
leave comments because we will use your comments in the
next episode of the I r L Takeaways, So thanks again, guys.
Andie Martinez in Real Life podcast. This episode and conversation
is powered by I Do Say, the Andie Martinez I
r L podcast. This is now an extension to that,
and it's called I r L Takeaways. UM. So I
decided to do these in between pods, um just to
kind of connect with you guys. Number one, to say
(00:21):
thank you because the response to this Kelly Rowland episode
has been unbelievable, I mean all of them. What happens
is we drop an episode of an interview and then
I read all your comments and I get all the
reaction and I almost I need a space to talk
to you guys. Or I get a chance to collect
all the takeaways, all the things that people connected to most,
all the things that I connected to most after a conversation.
(00:43):
So in between these interview podcasts, M moving forward, I'm
going to uh drop I r L Takeaway. It will
be only audio only, So shout out to all my
subscribers of the audio podcast. I appreciate you. Uh if
you're just listening now for the first time, please subscribe
so you get these bonus I r L Takeaway episodes. UH.
So today, Yeah, we'll just do kind of like a
recap of this Kelly Roland episode, which I love so
(01:06):
much and thank you guys so much for the incredible
feedback on it. Um, we're gonna talk to actually the
private investigator that found my father. Um. For those of
you who didn't see the Kelly Roland episode, it is
a lot about my connection to Kelly in terms of
her reconnecting with her father and then my attempt to
reconnect with my father, uh to find out that he
(01:28):
was not interested in reconnecting and all of that what
that brought up for me. Um, but also talking about
daddy issues and resolving them and UH, it is a
great interview, and I hope you guys take a moment
to check it out if you haven't already. So we're
gonna talk to the private investigator who actually found my father,
uh and give us some tips for anybody who out
there who's interested in reconnecting with a family member, because
(01:50):
I learned a lot in the process, Like number one,
you don't just show up at somebody's house and knock
on their door. That is not the protocol for reconnecting
with lost loved one. So we're gonna talk to him
and he's gonna give you some of those pointers coming
up in just a few minutes. But um, but in
the meantime, my show producer Brittany's in here with me
right now and um, M easy who um produces my
(02:13):
radio show. Uh and M does a podcast. What is
it a podcast that you do with Taylor. Yes, it's
a podcast called empty Thoughts. We have a lot of
wild things we think about it about that day and
sometimes you just want to express it. Okay, I heard you,
heard you, So you and Taylor. I asked you to
come in the room for a second because I was
at the elevator and Taylor was telling me that she
connected with this episode and watched it and she was
(02:36):
very moved by it. And um, and so, since this
is like takeaways, I was definitely curious about some of
your takeaways from the episode. I was, I was so
and you'r is telling your story. I was like, and
I'm a daddy's girl too, so I'm just like, you
grew up with your dad? Yeah? Yeah, So I was
just like, do people who are daddy's girls have daddy
issues too? I the only daddy issue and issues, I
(02:59):
don't know if it's daddy it's not daddy issues. I
have issues, but it's not daddy issues. But um, I
would just say the only dad issue to have is
like my dad's on a pedestal, So like a lot
of these guys got to measure up to that. That's
how I look at it. That's a good pedestal. That's
a good daddy issue. Any of the daddy issues, I
think that's probably the best one. Is that you want
to find a partner that's gonna love you, or somebody's
(03:20):
gonna treat you. I mean, nobody's gonna nobody's gonna treat
you like I'm realizing that too, And these guys can't
match up. Is that a daddy issue or is that
a daddy saddy? I think that's the way it should be. Yeah,
that's what I said. They're not wrong with high standards, Taylor.
(03:41):
But what else? What are the things can we tap
into from this episode? Oh? I really liked um you
know what hit me? When my parents are young parents, right,
So my mom had me with shoes eighteen, So growing
up I always idolized my parents, right, But then they
had a rough patch in their marriage, and as I
(04:02):
got older, I started to see them for like humans.
And Kelly talks a little bit about that, like that
forgiveness spot and like seeing them from being a human
with flaws. Yeah, I love that part part. Kelly said,
she was like, I was gonna tell him about himself.
He was this, he was that. Then she she said,
he walked in and I could just see like his
age and the time, and she's older too and understanding. Yeah,
(04:26):
but then you see them as a human being. You
see this man who's been through all these things. He
got over his alcoholism. I'm talking about her father. He
he was ready to reconnect. Like she just let him
be who he is and got to know him. And
I love that point point to that where they talk
about getting to know each other. She was so great.
One of my other favorite parts of the episode, um
(04:47):
is when we talk about her standing next to Beyonce. Yeah,
because I almost didn't want to bring up Beyonce the
whole interview because I just feel like, probably earlier in
their career is there's always this thing about Beyonce and
and Destiny's child, and Kelly has always been so dope
and so bright and so talented that I always try
(05:09):
to make sure that I'm giving her her own light
in her own moment and not falling. You know, Beyonce's
clickbait for anybody. So if you're interviewing Kelly and you
get a Beyonce moment or she says something, and then
everybody uses that, and so I'm sensitive to that. So
we really didn't. I really was going to not talk
about Beyonce at all, just so I could make sure
I didn't make her feel that way in anyway. But
(05:31):
then we were talking about her being at Coachella and
she was saying how much fun she had with the girls,
and and it really was a dope moment. I love
seeing that, but I feel like also a lot of
people saw that, and well what I like my friends,
I always was a Kelly fan, so I wasn't. I
never looked at her like number two. Yeah, I never
looked at her like that, like I would be excited
(05:54):
when she had she was singing first or something like
like she got and she's gorgeous and right the thing
she had. She's her own light. But it is to
be said because Beyonce is a one of a client
(06:14):
type of life. That's why she is as big as
she is across the globe. Because you can't deny what
that is. No matter who is standing next to her,
she is Beyonce. But the fact that Kelly can stand
next to her whole life and be as bright and
be as bright, and be as encouraging, supportive and never
resentful and never It's not just the thing to not
(06:37):
be resentful, it's a thing to also be able to
be feel good about you not compare yourself because comparison
is like the fucking worst thing we do to ourselves.
A lot of people could benefit from that lesson from Kelly.
That's what I'm saying. I love I love that she
said that, and so I'm glad that we did talk
about Beyonce just a little bit in the episode. I mean,
I could do a whole episode about but that that
(06:59):
would be for your time. UM well, I would say
another thing is, just from some of the comments, is
there's a lot of people out there that, um, you
know that either want to reconnect or curious or thinking
about the idea of connecting with a a parent or
a family member. I'm dealing with that right now. What
(07:21):
what and easy? And you're sitting next to us every day.
You never mentioned this. Um, Me and my father weren't
on the greatest terms. I spent a year from with
him in Florida, and I escaped and never looked back.
And now that I've had kids, my mom and my
wife are trying to get me to open that door
and reconnect with him. So I'm trying to open up
(07:42):
my heart to that. How many years ago is that? Uh?
I want to say, ninety three? You haven't you know where?
You know where he is, and he knows where you are.
My mom is the connection between the two of us.
When he found out I was having kids, he sent
the money. I sent him a letter like it's not terrible,
(08:03):
but it's I think I just need to get out
of my own way and just let it happen. Has
he tried to connect with you, Yes, it's just when
I needed you, you wasn't there. I don't need you
right now, so what do we But I know it's
just so that's totally you being stubborn, and who knows
what type of relationship he'll have. Sometimes not great parents
(08:25):
are amazing grandparents. No, it's really true. I mean my
mother was a great mother, but there's a different type
of love. You see, I don't know I see her
with Niko and I'm like, Mom, you're not gonna get
on his case about that. There's a different type of
love that grandparents have. So if not for yourself, which
you might be surprised, you might connect with him and
(08:47):
like it or not whatever, but it might give him
a chance to be a grandparent. I'm trying to do
it this year. I'm putting together a family re union.
I'm gonna invite yeah, yeah, for you. And by the way,
whether it goes well Kelly Rowland h Kelly Rowland version
or doesn't go as well and Martinez version, it's it's
(09:08):
you opening your heart. It's you with the forgiveness. It's
this is what I learned from Kelly in this episode.
It's you who showing the grace. So no matter how
it ends, you might reconnect with him and be like,
you know what, I was better without him in my life,
and that might happen, But you are letting it go
and you are giving it a chance, and that shows
your heart and your grace. So do that for your kids. Man,
(09:29):
please come back on the pod and we'll discuss how
it wins. But but there are people who don't even
know where their parents are. So I've actually got the
detective calling in. He is the one. He is the
one who found Evelyn's grandfather and my father, and he
were going to talk to him a little bit about
what those steps are for people who are looking to reconnect,
because like for me, I didn't have the notion of honestly,
(09:52):
if he didn't tell me you shouldn't call, let me
call first, I would have just showed up and think
that guy was gonna be like ok. He was like no, No,
people have lives and they're buried, and you showing up.
It's not always going to be the best idea. So
I was like okay, and then he called, and that's
when I found out that he didn't want to talk
(10:12):
to me. He didn't want to connect. But had I
not known that from this man, I might have ran
into something that could have been really, really really bad. Yeah,
who knows. So, Um, anyway, I think he's we're going
to get him on the phone now, so I have
(10:33):
J on the phone. He is from birth parent finder
dot com. J is the person who actually found Evelyn
Lozada's grandfather and then was the person that found my father. Um,
so I don't know if first of all, Hi J H,
thank you so much for taking time today. I don't
know if you know what. I told the story on
(10:55):
my uh this past episode of my podcast with Kelly
Rowland about um about you finding my father and the
whole evalence story and how it and I did and
I watched it. Oh you did watch it? I did?
What did you think? Uh? You know what it was?
It was beautifully done. Actually, really thank you? Thank you? Yeah?
(11:16):
Was any of it surprising to you? I didn't know
you were going in public with it, and when E
told me about it, like a wow, that's amazing. Good
for you. Yeah. Yeah, because I think there's a lot
of people in um, you know that can can. I
think there's a lot of people that kind of go
through similar experiences. And also I was so fascinated with
Kelly's journey that she's been through and wondering what you know,
(11:39):
because anyway, just having that connection about daddy issues and
how the generation you know, how generational issues can affect
not only you but your kids and and all that.
So I thought it was an important conversation to have
and she was great. But what happened was when we
dropped the episode, I realized from some of the comments
and some of the reaction. How many people connected to that,
(12:01):
and then how many people were are in the process
of thinking about reconnecting with a family member. Um, and
I talked about how you kind of guided me through that,
and I don't know. I guess I would ask you,
is what, as a professional somebody who does this all
the time and reconnects families and finds people, what is
the first step when when someone's having that that thought. Well,
(12:24):
as you know, the first step is knowing whether you're ready.
Are you ready for this information? Are you ready to
find out more about your whether it's your mother or
your father or a sibling. Do you need to know
that right away? And we want to know the reason. Um.
Sometimes they want to know what they look like, sometimes
they want medical history information. It varies with people. But
(12:44):
I just really want to make sure you're ready. And
then after that I need to know obviously what information
you have for us to find out m M and
then you go looking for them exactly. But I will
say this, and I said this to Kelly, Kelly, I
it didn't occur to me until you said it to me, UM,
that not not all people want to be reconnected with
(13:09):
Definitely on the other side, the people that are being
looked for, like a lot of times the parents or
the family members. Um, they are not open to it. No,
that I would say that happens probably of the time.
So so you advised, So you advised me not to
make the call myself or not to be like intrusive
and show up like the in the movies, like people
(13:30):
go and they knock on the door and like, Hi,
here you I found my long lost parent. You you
actually kind of uh, don't think people should do that. Correct, No,
that's the worst thing. And believe or not. In my
company's contract, we actually have that thing. Do not reach
out on your own. That's what you pay us to do,
and that's what we're professionals. Yeah, but why so why why?
(13:52):
Why is that exactly? Like, why do you tell people
not to just show up? Like what do people face?
Because they may be never told anyone and they will
take us to the grave and if if there, if
their child answers the door, who they never told? That's traumatic,
it really is. And I can tell you a quick
story real quick. This is this is funny. I am
(14:12):
very rarely do I go out and knock on someone's
door because these cases all over the country, and I
had a case where I this lady didn't live too
far from me. She was a birth mother, couldn't get
ahold of her biphone. So I actually went to her house,
knocked on her door. She opened the door, and I
told her who I was, explained to her, and she said,
I'll get back to you, and then she called me
the next thing, and she goes, you're not gonna believe this.
But when we were talking, my ring camera went up
(14:34):
and my kids heard the entire conversation, and I never
told them about my daughter. It's like, oh my god,
I had no clue. But it all worked out fine.
But that's a really weird way to tell someone. But
that goes back to saying, you know, you'd never want
to reach out on your own. Have you witnessed anybody
do that. I haven't witnessed it in person, but I've
(14:55):
heard horror stories about showing up with flowers to your
birth mother's residents and saying, hi, I'm your in law's
daughter and the birth mother passing out. Oh God. It's
also probably people have to be prepared for that moment, right,
Like someone has to be kind of prepped right, and
we don't know the circumstances, and I get these I
actually have been going on right now, the circumstances with
(15:15):
the birth mother was sexually assaulted back in the nineteen
sixties debt. You know, it was very different back then.
If you say, hey, I was sexually assaulted, the police
or nobody really does anything different from today. So they
she puts the child up for adoption, doesn't tell anyone,
doesn't tell anyone the circumstances, and now this is all rehashed,
(15:37):
but it gets rehashed through me, and I try to
do my very best, and sometimes I don't even tell
my clients that that's what happened because that could be
traumatic for my client. That this must be an emotional
process to watch people go through this whole thing and
finding these long laws because it's not always parents, right,
Sometimes it's just other relatives, grandparents or siblings to siblings. Yeah. Yeah,
(16:01):
But I'm sure you've seen happy endings too, huh. Most
of the time they they end very well. And we
we we have a little TV segment that we do
in Los Angeles, and we always felt heartwarming reunion stories
that that's that's what brings people together. Yeah, what's the
best one give me, because Kelly Rowlands is pretty great.
What I loved about Kelly's is that he was ready.
(16:23):
She was ready. He was in a better place. He
used to have, you know, alcohol problems, and he had
gotten past that. So they were both ready. So they
both come to the table with like open hearts and
and they're now they're learning how to be you know
in this relationship. Is a great story to me. And
he gets to have this relationship with her kids, her
kids get to be reunited with their grandfather. It's uh,
(16:44):
you know, I think that that was a great story.
I'm sure you have one. They're all good stories. But
the one that stands us to most to me as
far as a great story, um was. I was hired
by this woman probably thirty years old, and she was
raised by a woman who was actually her grandmother, but
she was told that that person was her mother, and
it's actually her sister was her mother. It was because
(17:05):
her sister was sixteen at the time, and he said,
let's just say, your grandmother's your mother. So she took
a DNA test and that's how she found out that
her sister was her mother. My job was to find
her father. So your DNA found the father and this
guy had no clue whatsoever that he fathered a child.
So we did a zoom reunion. He lived in a
different state. We did a zoom reunion with her and
(17:27):
him on Father's Day, and as soon as she said
Happy Father's Day, the whole room was bawling. It was
just so emotional. And that's that's actually had my Instagram page.
It's it's it's a It was unbelievable, it was. It
was so heartwarming, but it was it was very confusing,
wasn't it. I mean, think about it. She she's raised
all this time by her grandmother, thinking that's her mother.
(17:50):
She so how do you do that? Yeah, so DNA does.
The DNA take a big, big part of what you
guys do. DNA is a major part of it. But
what great about New York? The State of New York,
right when the pandemic hit, they opened their birth records
so an adoptee can get their original birth certificate from
the State of New York. And when that happened, we
(18:10):
just got so many cases in New York because they
get their original birth certificate, then they're going to see
a name on it, but that's a maiden name, so
they're not gonna know what to do. So they hire
us and we find the mother, We get if she's alive,
get her contact information, reach out, and the majority these
cases they work out very well. But I have to
explain to the mother that even though this was a
(18:31):
closed adoption, the records are now available and a lot
of times they didn't realize that, so you have to
explain that. Yeah, Um, I just have a question because
there might be some people that are interested. But is
this an expensive process? It's it's all relative. I mean,
what what do you consider expensive? It really depends on
the situation. I guess I was asking for maybe somebody
(18:51):
who wanted to do this on their own or financially
they couldn't hire somebody to help them, and they're not
in that position. Like if somebody wanted to try to
just find a family. Remember, is there a place to start?
Take a DNA test, And I prefer ancestry dot com
because more people test with that company. And then if
you find a first cousin, you may be able to
(19:13):
figure out who your birth parent did it, depending on
what non identifying information you have on that person. But
most people just can't figure that out and then they
hires to solve the case. Well, thank you so much.
I thank you for all of it. I think, I mean,
this was this was a turn for me that I
didn't expect. I had evident on the show she mentioned
what you what you did for her, and then after
I said, okay, sure if you found a picture of
(19:34):
my father two days later. I don't know how you
did it, but you sent me a photo and knew
everything about his life, which was I mean, it was fascinating.
And you also gave me great advice in terms of
not you know, calling myself or not showing up myself.
I'm definitely grateful for that, for that advice because his
wife didn't know. Yeah, I know, I know. Uh. Well,
(19:56):
thank you for your time, J. I appreciate it so much.
Your very and if people want to contact you specifically
or your company specifically, it is birth parent finder dot
com correct birth parent finder dot com and they can
find us on social media Instagram at birth parent finder.
All right, J, take care, Thank you so much. Thank you. Okay, bye,
that was great. So wait, M while we have you
(20:20):
still in the room. First of all, um, so talk
about your story. I mean, you have a different story
because you're not looking for your father. You know exactly
where your father is. But if you do decide to reconnect,
do you just show up with flowers? Well? Do you
call and prepare him and give him mentally time and
emotionally time to show up to connect with you too. Um.
(20:44):
I don't have any expectations when it comes to meeting
my dad because I think, like Kelly Rowland said, I
don't want to go in there with with all these
emotions and then he hits me with that I missed you,
and I'm like, just shows you down. So I'm going
in there with no expectation and just hoping that you
just love Yeah, Oh, I love that. I think you
should do it sooner than later. I have a plan
(21:07):
for the summertime about my birthday. There's a secret I'll
tell you off and that's happening that so, but you
are committed to this. I think it's the missing piece
in my life. I love that. It's funny how many
people connect with this topic, whether you're looking for somebody
or you're just disconnected just from somebody and you have
like this, like I don't know, just this like want
or desire to reconnect with somebody that you care about something,
(21:30):
especially a parent. I mean, you can't, you know, It's
that's different. After we finished the episode with Kelly Rowland
our our film are, the director of the episode actually
came over and he really doesn't I don't know not
too much about him. I had just met him. He's
done a few episodes for us. I don't know anything
about his personal life. And at the end of the
Kelly Rolling episode, he came over and told us that
he had he tried to reconnect with his father. His
(21:51):
father also wasn't interested in connecting with him, so he
connected to my version of the story. Uh. And we
had this group hug and Kelly is so sweet. I mean,
Kelly is like the most gracious person, so art. So
the director talking me, then Kelly comes over and she's talking.
I mean, it was like a real nice moment after
the episode. Um, but you know, that's what this is about,
(22:12):
sharing our stories, connected with people, making everybody feel like,
you know, seeing and and um yeah, and it's it's
stipe when it comes back around. So um yeah. So
thank you guys, And if you haven't checked out to
Kelly Roland episode. It is definitely worth it. I took
a lot away from it. I thank her for that.
And I don't know, just this one little other thought
(22:35):
this takes I had a comment this is what the
takeaways are about, right, So we watched the episodes and
then we had what what was inspired by? What thoughts?
What conversations? And I do want to include you guys
who have been commenting and subscribing and um sending notes
on socials. I read all the comments. I can't reply
to every comment because I also have to do things
in life, but but I read all the comments. So um,
(22:58):
this will be a space hopefully these by week takeaway
podcasts that we can talk about some of your reactions
to some of the episode. So I really appreciate that.
And I did see a lot of people that were
debating whether or not to move forward with reconnecting. And
I did have a conversation with somebody that I did
want to share that goes back to what Kelly Rowland
(23:20):
was saying about the fact that what does it say
about you? It's not about the other person. What does
it say about you about forgiveness, about letting go, about
living your life with love and not fear. UM, I
don't know. For me, I have no regrets UM. And
if you are thinking about it, you've got to do
what's right for you. But we wish you luck and
(23:41):
I hope that something in this conversation maybe you could
use as a takeaway in your own life. UM. So
thank you guys so much for checking out the episode.
If you haven't yet, it's on my YouTube page and
Martinez in real life. Please make sure you subscribe and
leave comments because we will use your comments in the
next episode of the I r L Takeaways, So thanks again, guys.
Host
Angie Martinez
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