Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Edie Martinez in Real Life podcast. This episode and conversation
is powered by I Do Say. Hey guys, it is
another episode of Takeaways. Is Edgie Martinez here. We are
talking about the Usher episode this one by the way,
if you haven't ever checked checked out one of these
audio podcasts, these takeaways are just that there takeaways from
(00:22):
some of our conversations with our incredible guests and the
things that we take away. We hope that every episode
you take something away from every conversation. Um, but this
is just a moment for us to kind of reflect,
and so right now we're reflecting on this Usher conversation,
which I got so much from, not just as an artist.
As an artist, Yes, he's working on new music. He
has this phenomenal show in Vegas that is like groundbreaking
(00:46):
and brilliant. He is working on a project with l A. Read.
You know, we talked about his career and his life
and his kids. But a lot of what really I
took away and what stayed with me was the work
that he's done on himself through therapy and through meditation
to be a better person and to be happy. UM.
(01:07):
So we're going to kind of talk about that on
this episode, and we're gonna have Marrie l Dr Mariel Bouquet.
She's a psychologist and she's a trauma expert join us.
Hey and you, thank you, thank you, thank you for
having me. I'm excited to be here. I so we've
been having a lot of these conversations about not just therapy,
but meditation seems to come up all the time in
(01:29):
terms of how people UH cope, especially when you have
like busy, noisy lives and meditation. U Usher said he
did TM meditation. What do you know about that? Yeah,
it's transcendental meditation, which is basically this kind of meditation
that involved like mantra and it's part of the Vedic
tradition of India, right, and it's a meditation that's actually
(01:51):
really effective for a lot of things including like reducing stress,
increasing brain function, increasing heart health. I mean, it's amazing
and I'm so excited that he's doing it and he's
talking openly about it. Yeah. I I researched. I had
I've heard of it before. I just said I hadn't
done it for myself, and but after the conversation I
had with him, I did a little bit more research
on it and It really is just how it was
(02:13):
explained to me. You can tell me this is wrong, uh,
that there is a word that you use. Some people
use home or they have used whatever. And you say
the word repeatedly to yourself with your eyes closed, not
out loud and um. And it's just a way for
you to calm your brain and calm your thoughts. So
you say the word over and if your brain drifts,
that's okay. You just go keep saying the word back
(02:34):
to the word. And if you can do this twenty
minutes a day, for two times, two times a day,
it's supposed to change your life. Is that? What is that?
That's what I've learned? Is that? Right? Is that good information?
It is great ever reason, it really is life tis thing,
and especially when a person can actually commit to it.
I'm gonna be honest. I tried it once or twice
since I've done my research. I haven't gotten past like
(02:56):
a two minute mark. Once the two I'm still getting.
I start getting I don't know, I get distracted, I
get fall asleep. It's just I haven't gotten past the
two minutes. But I can see, even just in my
initial early initial attempts, I can see how this could
shift your energy, your anxiety or stress levels. Um, all
(03:19):
that just from the little bit that I've tried a
couple of times, So I get it. Really how what
happens right, Like your mind just kind of goes somewhere.
You may fall asleep, and that's all a natural part
of the process that I would you know, invite that
in What do you make about his theory about um?
He said he tries to go when he's meditated, he
tries to get to this place, is one of my takeaway.
(03:40):
So I don't know. It just stuck with me. I
remembered it so much of him saying, Um, you get
to a point where you have to ask yourself or
be in the state of asking yourself. Am I suffering
or am I not suffering? Like those are the only
two questions. And if you're not suffering, then you should
be at peace. You should find be able to find
(04:00):
peace in your day. And if you are suffering, it
forces you to look at Okay, why am I suffering?
The most important part of our entire being is our
state of being. What state of being are you in?
Are you suffering? Are you not suffering? Those are the
two states. There's no other states to be in. You're
the suffering or you're not suffering. Is that real? It
(04:24):
is real? It is the only two statesffering a little.
You're either suffering or you're not. And if you managed,
if you've managed to put yourself in a beautiful state
of being right where you're not suffering, then you can
manage to allow a universe that actually unfold for you.
That's good because what's intended to happen will um. I
(04:49):
found it interesting. I don't know, is this like a
scientific thing? Is something he made up? Is this a
what is it? What is that? Yeah? I mean I
found that to being really interesting myself. And I love
the fact that what he says is that he goes
right back into himself and reflects and is able to
really gather greater insights about his own life so that
(05:10):
he can minimize the suffering. Because we're human, there's no
way to like completely do away with suffering. But there
is something in psychology called ordinary suffering, which is just
day to day like oh, you know, make you make
stumble on something on like a rocking and you know
you have a stressful moment, but you're not like in
deep suffering, all of the time and getting to a
(05:30):
place of ordinary suffering where there's just like small moments
here and there that may rattle you a bit, but
you don't feel like you're always drowning. I think that's
in essence what he's talking about, being able to be
in a place of Keith where even if you stumble
on that rock, it doesn't shatter your whole world. M hmmm,
what about something to talk about? Because another takeaway I
(05:51):
took from Usher is number one, he's super happy in
his relationship. Do we not love Jim? Oh my god,
you got his Puerto Rican food? Is the that it
was so good, and it was just the gesture of it.
It was she They weren't even there. They were taking
their kids pumpkin picking while we were sitting waiting to
do the interview. And then the publicist was like, hey,
Jen just called and they're picking up some food. She
(06:12):
want to know if you guys were hungry, picked us
up some food on the way back. It was just
like a lovely I don't know, we like terms of
so much um and he's so happy, like he's fat,
he and it's not just he's worked for that happiness,
you know, he's done. They've done couples therapy, and he
shared one of the exercises that they do, which is
(06:33):
about listening and repeating back what your partner says to you, Amazy,
this might be good for you. Amazing is here he's married.
I am listening full and intently. Okay. So when you
when you argue with your wife or your wife is
trying to explain something to you that maybe bothers her
that you did, is your reaction to respond or defend yourself?
Do you get defensive? Like if she says, m, you
(06:57):
didn't take out the garbage three nights in a row?
Is your are you? My instant reaction would be defensive
because it's either because I was tired, I was taking
care of kids, instantly making excuses why I didn't do it. Yeah, yes,
it's definitely a defensive first. Well, that's to the point.
To Usher's point and to this exercise is like most
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people do. Most people when some when somebody you love
is upset with you, you want to you know. So
what happens is nobody hears each other. So the exercises
when she says to you, am you didn't take out
the garbage? You should say no, No, you're right. What
I hear you saying is you are upset because I
(07:39):
didn't take out the garbage. You are letting her know
that you heard her, got it, yes, And sometimes that's
just all the other person wants is acknowledgement and to
know they're heard. And then you say to her is
there more? Is there anything else? And she might say, well,
(08:00):
it really bothered me because you also did it four
nights in a row. I'm what I heard you say
was not only take the garbage out, but because I've
repeatedly not done that, And she was like yes, And
then you say I heard you, and then that's the
end of the thing and she feels heard. You didn't
have to argue, and vice versa. She has to do
(08:22):
it when you come to her. Is that I'm explaining
this right right? Tell me if this is right? That
is absolutely right. And I'm so glad that Amazon board
to actually do it. I know that happy wife, happy life.
But also you have to be happy. She has to
be if you say to her, she's got to hear you,
(08:42):
because half the time we're frustrated because we feel like
the other person doesn't hear us. And I've heard about
this this exercise before. But what was interesting and one
of the takeaways for me was not only that it's
working for us or in his relationship, but that he
also uses it in friendships, in business relationships, in other
parts of his life, not just in the romantic relationship.
(09:04):
Sometimes you just have to hear people when they have
when you have some type of conflict or thing. And
I thought that was interesting because I had never really
thought about that, Um, what do you know about that
excess that exercise though? Is there anything that you could
add to that or any tips? Excuse is this type
of working? Because I'm Fosten and it was massissillly done,
like it literally looked like a therapy session or what
(09:27):
a therapy session would look like, and how basically we
take those skills and then apply it to our lives.
We don't just keep it in the session. But a
lot of what he was doing was like mindful listening, right,
mindful pauses, mindful listening, active reflection, which is also a
therapeutic technique. And then the big ones, the big which
(09:49):
is validation, validating your partner's experiences and what they're telling
you they're experiencing. So it's a a four part type
of oh that he basically allowed us into in that
like two minute practice, which was really well done. Yeah,
I was so I was so happy that he shared that.
(10:10):
But then, how do we not how do we not
get defensive? That's the hardest thing, right, because you want
It's like you, when you feel attacked or you feel
maybe somebody is saying something you don't necessarily deserve, you
jump into defensive mode. But I guess this is the
actual answer, is to just stop for a second, forget
(10:30):
about how you feel about it, just be mindful of listening.
Is that right? Tell me if I'm I'm therapying wrong,
you got it? You got it. And I think adding
on the other piece that he that he added is
doing those meditative practices that will help you to also
feel more at ease on a day to day so
(10:52):
that when somebody starts pointing the finger at you, you're
not immediately triggered and activated, but instead you're like, okay,
I'm I'm instead of being at his ten, I'm out
of five, and I can function better out of five.
I can actually mindfully paused and reflect and validate out
of five. And then when we get around to it
I can say. And also, here is how I'm feeling
(11:13):
about the fact that I'm getting the finger pointed in
my direction. Solid work, and how often do you have
to do this all the time with your partner? This
should be like not something that you do just that therapy, right,
this has to be something you do in regular life
at dinner. I would do it with everybody, just like
psure be like, let's just like the big takeaway from
(11:36):
the Usher episode is we're all going to just be
like ushare he seems I mean, listen, I'm not with
Usher every day, but he really seems to be in
a really good place. I have interviewed him a lot
over his career, in his life, I don't know, he
seems like he's found something and he seemed very um anyway,
was really special. I was really happy and um honored
(11:58):
that he chose to like share some of that deep
stuff with us. I thought it was really dope. Um okay, Oh,
I just thought of another one. We should play this clip?
What about the part where he says yes is the
same as no, which is interesting to me because if
nobody's ever said it like that to me. People tell say, oh,
everything happens for a reason. I for sure lived my
(12:19):
life like that. So if something bad happens, I'm like, oh,
what do I learn from this? Or how do I
move from here? But never like I should have the
same energy when somebody says yes to me as when
somebody says no to me, because ultimately everything is going
to work as it's supposed to work in the universe.
So why am I up and down with my emotions?
(12:39):
And why am I up and down with my energy?
I should maintain my energy for whether it is a
yes or no. That's how I took it. Did you
take it? Did you take it differently? No? For sure?
But who likes hearing no? Like hearing it? Implementing here?
But you know enough to know that when you hear no,
(12:59):
it's usually for a reason, either something better is coming
or a lesson is coming, or that just wasn't for you.
So why put yourself through the emergial emotional turmoil? Why suffer?
Why suffer? Right? Why? Why suffer? If you can? I
mean that's like I don't. I'm not to that level.
I'm not spiritually woke that far where I could where
I can do that. But it is aspirational for me?
(13:24):
Are you at that point? Doc? I would say that
I am working my way through always being at that point.
But you know, we're human, right and as herself, anybody
will always have moments. But that I like that place
of emotional neutrality that he tends to be in, and
(13:47):
I can do that a lot in my own life
as well. Let's play the clip by the way, in
case you guys didn't hear it. Are we able to
be okay with no as much as we are with
yes winds as much as we are with losses because
they're the same. We don't see it, but they are.
I've never heard it said like that. Hey, listen, I've
(14:07):
heard you know, you learn from your mistakes. Everything is
okay when everything is a process, you learn from your
I learned something from Mamata. But I've never heard yes.
It's the same as not. It should be in our minds.
We can't see it that way because we're all kind
of like looking for the wind only. But there's measures,
you know, there's measures in life. There's time, there's there's
(14:31):
a moment for everything, and nothing is happening by coincidence.
That's so good, that's just great. He's so good. Alright, guys,
well for that portion, and if you haven't seen the
whole interview, it is up on my YouTube page uh
Ati Martinez I r L. Or of course here you
can listen to the full conversation with us as well.
(14:53):
But thank you for checking out this takeaway. Thank you
Dr Mario Bouquet for joining us today and for checking
out the episode. We appreciate you and we're gonna have
you hop on with us to talk about this Mike
Tyson episode two. If that's okay, Yes, it's absolutely I
can't wait. Thank you guys for listening, and we'll catch
you on the next one.