July 13, 2022 • 47 mins
Lauren London has learned many valuable lessons since losing the love of her life, and she’s sitting down with Angie to share how the tragic death of Nipsey Hussle in 2019 has shaped her. In Lauren’s first “in real life” in-person interview since Hussle’s passing, she candidly discusses her journey through grief and how a deeper relationship with God has moved to the forefront of her priorities. Angie and Lauren’s wide-ranging conversation touches on death etiquette, legacy, parenting, trauma and healing.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Andre Martinez in Real Life Podcast Chapter one, We're All
Gonna Die. Lauren London was the first person on my
brain when I thought about having this podcast because of
a couple of reasons. Number one, I think she's super dope.
I think you're super dope, and also I think there's
a lot to learn from you. Are you weirded out
by talking and doing interviews and sharing just what your
(00:20):
life has been like? Not to you? Um? And I
guess I'm kind of like learning how to do that
in this new space because I'm learning so much about
myself now and I've changed so much, so like talking
from this space yet it's new, so I'm not talking
a lot. You haven't done a lot at all. I
(00:41):
don't blame you, honestly in talking to people. I just
want to be intentional and I want it to be
a safe space because then what am I saying? For real? Yeah?
And there's so many not safe spaces now because everybody's
talking everybody. There's a podcast everywhere, there's an interview show,
you know, there's a radio show everywhere, and people are competing,
so they tend to clickbait. Yeah, they want clickbay and
(01:04):
just what the intentions are like the intentions are not
always that, which is one of the reasons I wanted
to do this. So I really wanted to have conversations
with people because I need inspiration just like everybody else does.
And I really wanted to talk to people that I
could feel get good energy from, share good energy with,
and then put that out in the world. So that
was one of the reasons. But then when I told
you the name, I was a little nervous. I was like, wow,
(01:25):
I was nervous because because when you've experienced so much,
I feel like I want to be sensitive to you.
But then I thought to myself, is that like annoying
to her that everyone would want to treat you with
kid gloves or be sensitive or treat you differently, Like
that's has to be a big thing. In the past
couple of years, it's been a big thing. I really
(01:45):
am grateful for it. When it's genuine. I don't really
like when it's pity. I feel when it's pity I
feel when it's like I couldn't imagine going through that
like that. No one ever wants to feel like their
particular city ration is like the worst thing anyone else
could imagine because then it makes you feel so isolated
in your human experience. You kind of want to feel
(02:08):
like I don't want to say normal, but like it's okay,
and that other people could be going through something too.
So I do feel the pity makes me feel pitiful.
But I do appreciate when people are sensitive, because there
are days where I'm like, I don't wanna, like, no,
please be sensitive with me. Yeah, so it's a I
(02:30):
guess it's like a It depends on the person and
their intention. I think sometimes people don't even mean it.
It's even like somebody and we know somebody is going
through something right now. Other way, people, especially in death
right like the way we treat people. We go to
a funeral, everybody's like doesn't know what to say, and
you know, people don't have death etiquette. The humans do
(02:50):
not know how to We just don't know because we
It's like the most foreign concept to us but the
most common, and it it's inevitable every single person You're
going to die. Yes, that's what's gonna happen. There's no
way out of here. I'm gonna have a funeral, And
the thought of it feels like a fantasy, but it's real.
You know what I mean. But I just don't think
(03:12):
that we know how to die or accept death, and
then we don't know how to usher people in that
transition either. What can you teach people about that have
experienced with the experience that you had, Like, what was
there anything that comes to mind that you're like, hey,
maybe try this, you know, I think just sitting with someone,
I felt like the people that came to just like
be with me, And sometimes I think just holding space.
(03:33):
It's hard for us because when your friend or something
you love is going through something, you naturally want to
fix it. And this is not something to fix, it's
something to go through with someone. So you just roll
with them, you sit with them, you hold space for them,
you hug them, you feed them. You you don't maybe
not try to say something that will make them feel better,
because it's really nothing that it makes them feel better,
and it's not really on you. It's not on you.
(03:56):
Just hold the space for them, you know what I mean,
and just be there. That really helped me a lot too. It's,
you know, one of the things one of the reasons
I felt like when we spoke briefly about this about
a couple of years ago, I had a car accident
and I had it some loss in my family, and
it shifted how I look at life. And I thought
before that, before that year, I thought I knew everything.
(04:19):
I'm so, I'm spiritual, I'm right, until when I got
rocked like that, it made me realize, Oh, you don't
know everything, and you're actually doing some things wrong, and
you're gonna be uncomfortable while you're trying to figure out
how to fix it. And so I think I fixed
a lot of things. And I think sometimes it takes
trauma or it takes tragedy to shift you that way.
(04:41):
And that's one of the reasons I thought about this podcast.
But the truth is, why do we wait till somebody
dies to think, oh, I gotta live every day? Life
is short? My time? Is we should? We should? We
should be reminded of that all the time, because well,
I think the pain. I think we have fear of
people dying, so we don't want to face it yet
until it's in our face. So to already have to
(05:03):
you know, you know whether you have yeah, but you
don't know till it's at your front door. I always say,
the front row at the funeral is different. You know
when you have to sit down, like you know, I've
been a lot of funerals. I've never set front row
at one. That's different. What does that do to you?
Shift your perspective on life? You know what I mean?
Make you see not only that is life short, but
(05:25):
that is a gift, you know, And because everyone's time
is so different, what am I doing with this gift? Like,
oh man, I need to accept all of it, even
the ugly, because it is really a gift, this experience,
it's a karmic experience. And that's another thing I used
to hear about and not know nothing about it, you
know what I mean. I don't you have to tell
(05:46):
me because you've done a lot more work in no,
so I really have it. That's one where you're like
with healers and all that, Well, you're on healing. You
might not need to, you know, everyone the path to
it is all different songs. You get to the end
of it, you know what I mean, you might not
need to do all that, or I have to do
all that to find that heal everythin yourself. I needed guidance,
(06:08):
heavy guidance still now yeah, yeah, what has been the
best the best thing you've learned from that or that
it's given you. One of the greatest things I've learned
that I'm still learning is that like food really helps
with depression. Really yeah, because I'm an emotional eater, so
my weight fluctuates, so like I get sad and want
to eat a twigs or like pizza and stuff like that,
(06:31):
but it would make me more depressed. But then I
learned that when I ate like higher vibrational foods, I
didn't I wasn't so down. I wasn't so deep in
my depression. So that's one of the things that I'm
learning I'm still trying to apply. And just that like
healing is such a up and down experience, Like it's
(06:55):
not just like shoot and then I'm gonna become a
fairy godmother and flyaway. I'm healed. I'm fine. No, I
don't know if that's for anyone, you know, I've just
learned that it does go up and down. And sometimes
the shadow work is like that. To me. Shadow work
is really so it's just like digging deep into your
(07:17):
ego self and why you either have envy or why
you have feeling to compare yourself to others, or why
do you feel um, you know, depression, So digging into
that shadow work, that dark side of your other self
that's hard to face, right because I'm and then I
(07:38):
was really being on judgment, like I could look like
I don't need that, yeah, and then I think it altogether.
You're very quick to be like I would that I
was so good like I wouldn't. I'm not judging a
soul no more because I just realized in my shadow
work that my judgment of them was my judgment of myself.
It was just really my harsh judgment on my self.
(08:00):
I didn't get myself no slack, but it appeared that
it was that judgment on others. I feel like that too,
and that's one of my things. It's like, even if
you're going through something, why I got to be heavy
or heavy about it. I'm always like, whenever I have
I want to talk about this, and but I don't
want to be heavy or heavy or like preachy or
or soap boxy. I hate a soap Yeah yeah no,
(08:20):
but I'm I'm deeper than the earth, like I'll go, well,
can go? Oh I'm dramatic too, so I'm like, oh,
we can go all the way. Should say that like
you are deeper than the earth. God, damn like it
wasn't he though? Yeah? Hell yeah he was. We had
a lot of nerve. He was like a highly spiritual,
intelligent person like he would. He was all into space
(08:44):
and stuff like that. I haven't gotten there yet. What
the funny thing about about that is that I feel
like I know and I hate this about it, but
I feel like I got to know him so much
more like a lot of people did after he was gone.
That just means his purpose lives on, you know what
I mean. Just means his purpose did not leave with
the body. That the spirit just kept moving. But what
(09:05):
what what? What the whole world saw and kind of
re fell in love with or fell deeper in love
with after you were living that? Yeah, I think. But
here's the thing. When someone leaves their body, then they
become like ultra human. I was living with a human.
So he was not perfect, perfect doing the right thing,
(09:27):
but you know, no one is. But you know, he
had good intentions. And I think that we are really
intention is so important. We're really like kind of our
lives are based on like our daily intentions. He had
really getting intentions. He really meant well, and he was
doing great work. What he was doing was not light work.
He loved for people to be at a high level.
(09:49):
Like he was not a hater, like you know what
I mean. And so he wasn't really in his he didn't.
He wasn't someone that operated out to his ego in
that space when it came to other people. Sometimes when
people passed early, the signs of it earlier, this might
be a little weird. But and then then something that
there you never would expect. No, I thought Hustle was Superman,
he will live forever. I thought I was gonna go first. Really,
(10:10):
I would always ask questions like what are you gonna
do when I die? Like I was always so morbid,
you would think that think that I thought I was
gonna die early in my twenties because I had I
don't know, I said these like crazy dreams growing up.
So but then I had Cameron, and I was like, oh,
I guess I'm not going to pass earlier. I just
never growing up, I didn't have such an attachment to Earth.
This sounds weird, but okay, I like it. I was
(10:33):
a little weird. I didn't have an attachment. Okay, I
didn't have an attachment to earth. Um, I was a unicorn.
I don't know what the fun I was, but I
didn't have an attachment. And then I had my first son.
I was like, Okay, I guess I'll be here a
little longer. And then life and then I like diod
things started to happen. It could have been my trauma
(10:54):
that I was just like over life, and then good
things started to happen to me, and I was like,
all right, I like life. It's cool, you know what
I mean? Yeah? So I always had these might ask
people hella more of a questions. I don't anymore because
it just got too real. But I used to ask like,
oh I want this song to be played at my funeral.
(11:14):
Oh you would think about that a lot, girl. And
then one time I was in the car thinking about
it and the damn song played and on the radio.
I was like, let me stop thinking about this type
of ship, because I could be willing this ship into
my life. That's what I wondered. And even when I
named this, I was worried about like if I if
I say that all the time, does that bring it?
I'm like no, because my intention is really it's not
about that it's about life. It's about just reminding ourselves
(11:36):
that our time here is limited. And so then once
I kind of came to grips with that, then I
was like, oh, it's okay. I'm not willing because you're
not I'm not no, no, no, no no. I think
you're giving out information and you're also making people comfortable
with a topic that we don't ever face until it's
too late, until we're not prepared. We're not prepared, and
(11:58):
then there's a whole other thing about it that we're
not prepared for, just the dealing with it, like it's
just three years, it's just three years later. Tim for me,
that I feel really kicks in the five years later,
like what is that? Because you know, first you're in shot,
and then there's a lot of attention and love around you,
and then people get back to their lives and then
now you're like, well, how do I get back to
(12:19):
my life when it's shifted so much? And then what
does life look like for me now? And then you're
like rebirthing. Then someone dies and now you're in a rebirth,
but you're in the rebirth and that's weird. And then
people kind of start going away people their lives and
they start talking bad about you again. They don't give
about who was talking about Sabody. No, no, no, no,
(12:39):
no anybody. No one did anything. But you know what
I mean. They're like, oh, because do you feel like
there's an army of people out here that want to
protect you? I do. Yeah, Like you said, who did
it right now? There would be an army of people
that would show up for you. That makes me feel
good inside. I didn't always feel like that. Yeah, I
feel like you are definitely people want to detect you
(13:00):
and people want to show you up. Even when I
said I'm talking a law and they're like, how doing
Everybody's like, oh, like, oh, there's like a soft like
I don't know, because people knew I was on my
way out. I was feeling like I don't know. I
did think about you a lot though during those times,
prayed for you a lot and that time. But now
that you're like, and then you get to a place
where you want to do rebirth, how are you doing that?
(13:22):
Are you doing that? You started working again? I just
finished it. Yeah, I just did a whole movie. You
did another, well, you did the movie Michael bh. Yeah, yeah,
all right, and that's a great Grief also messed up
your memo. Wasn't that the first time? That the first
thing you did? But grief really strikes your memory different.
(13:44):
It just like you block out a lot of things,
you know when you're pregnant, and you're like, pregnancy brain,
brief brain is real, really and still happening, still happens.
The people will tell me about something that happened in
two thousand and sixteen, and I'm like, yeah, remember, I
like block a lot of my old life out in
a weird way. Are you proud of yourself? Yeah? Why
(14:12):
It's gonna sound crazy, but I'm taking like there was
a time I couldn't even take a shower. There was
a time I didn't even laugh, and I remember feeling
so dark, Like am I ever going to laugh? You
know what I mean? Am I ever going to something
really make me chuckle genuinely? Um? And yeah I have laughed,
(14:34):
and um, I take a lot of showers. My nails
are yeah, like you know what I mean? Yeah, I
mean I was really in a in a dark space,
I think, and I am someone that I don't just
feel it, I go in it. I'm just proud that
(14:54):
I'm not where I was three years ago? What do
you want to do? Still? Have you thought about that? Like?
What is the if we're talking about like our time
is limited here, Like what do you want to do
with the rest of that? I really want to like
be peaceful and I would like to like give peace
to others. It's very simple. I don't. I don't think
(15:15):
my I don't have like these large accomplishments anymore. We're like, oh,
I want to win an oscar, Like I don't have this. Yeah,
but I think that was because that was like expected,
like that's what you're supposed to want to want to do. Um.
I don't know if I ever really cared. Um, But
I think I just want to I just don't want
(15:35):
to miss my mark, whatever God has for me to
do on earth. In the realest way, I do not
want to miss that mark. I just want to do
that every day. So you you do you know what
that mark is? I mean, I'm still figuring out. I don't.
I do feel like having a good intention speaking out,
(15:58):
you know, being kind to people. UM, not over exerting
myself because then I'll be a fraud. UM. I do
think that a lot of my work now might not
be in front of the camera. It might be behind
the camera and encouraging someone else in front of the camera. Um,
I want to be more creative behind the scenes. Is
(16:19):
there anything you don't want to do that maybe you
used to do carpets? Deep? Yeah, I don't really want
to walk those no more. Damn If you could live
your life perfectly never again, never again, or work out
(16:41):
feeling to pick up a damn way for you child,
I would be sitting up there chilling in the mountains.
But yeah, I mean, I'm I'm I am grateful of
the jobs that I recently just did. They were really good. Yeah.
I just did this movie with Ken Barris, Eddie Murphy, Long,
(17:03):
Jonah Hill, who's my new best friend. I love funny. Yeah, yeah,
he's awesome. Uh yeah, No, it was a It was
a really good film. And it was the first time
I ever did a movie outside or without remorse, where
like I didn't feel the pressure of having to like
be a certain way. I just showed up. What is
(17:23):
that normally? How you feel like you? Yeah, well, you
know you're just gonna make sure your lines are perfect.
You just want to make sure you're perfect. You have
all this pressure of like being perfect, and I was
just an observer. I just watched and I was just
a part of the experience. I didn't I wasn't in
my head about it, and that was new for me.
Do you feel like having had gone through such a
trauma and tragedy, like there's something also beautiful that you get? Yeah? Yeah,
(17:46):
I think so. I'm just more present as a mom,
you know what I mean. And I have this like
freedom of just focusing on them in my relationship with God,
Like that's it, That is it. What do you pray
foremost peace? Oh? My God, I pray for a piece
a lot, all twenty for seven peace and protection. Those
(18:09):
are really important for me, for you, for your family,
for my family, for my family. What about anger? No,
And that's the thing I wasn't. I'm not angry. I'm
not angry as much as I am like m you
know what I mean. I never had no point. Of
course it does, and you know, it gets I get
(18:32):
agitated with people easier um or I feel like it
came disguised as control. Now I have like strong control
issues that I'm working through. I have to control of
your little thing in a weird way because maybe I
don't want to be angry or surprised, but that could drumatized,
but that could be underneath that sadness. Clearly is anger,
(18:55):
but it hasn't showed up how it used to. We're
for me used to like ready to fight? Who was
you fighting? Oh? My god? Myself? Mostly but you know
what I mean, anything anybody like anything would piss me
off and I'd be like, well, what were we gonna
do with it? You want to fight? No? Like, you
(19:17):
know what I mean? That was always my instead of
like talking things out, I'd be like, are we fighting? No?
So shut you know what I mean? Relationship to combative
in your relationship and I'm not fighting in my relationship physically,
but am my combative? I think I used to have
a really smartass mouth. Yeah I could see that. I could.
Don't think I was always uh. I always say I'm
not good for the male ego. I'm not I'm not
(19:37):
the I'm not the partner for if you have an
ego that needs to be stroked. I'm not your girl chicken,
because I'm giving all truth. I'm truth down like not
so much, you know what I mean? And I think
it makes me a good friend. Because it's honest. Yeah,
you know what I mean. I'm gonna keep it real
(19:57):
with you because I want you to be your highest
you know. And I'm so honest with my damn kids,
my poor kids. But that makes them trust me, you
know what I mean, That makes them and that makes
me trust them. How are they doing? You know? There
shows up in different ways. Um, and I'm sure you
know kids don't they internalize everything until they get in
(20:21):
their teams. I'm sure you know. I'm trying my best
to help them cultivate how to deal with their emotions
as best as I can the therapy and you know,
I try to be an example. So like they see
me meditate, you know, we go on, they come with
me to my spiritual retreats. Yeah you know what i mean,
because well they're really young still, I'm sure camras over
(20:45):
it or like any type of like church or anything
that I do that feel feeds my soul. I share
with them because I feel like I don't know how
where they're gonna go with their life. But as long
as they have the tools on, Like you know, I
remember my mom was angry or as she did this,
let me try that. So I'm just you know, they're
doing great, much better now. Yeah, And I just love
(21:07):
on them so hard, so hard. They're so cute, but
they're really dope, Like they're really I'm you guys are
my favorite human beings on planets. I love that. Are
they showing signs of what they want to be and
what they want to do? Yeah? So Cam wraps really well.
But I don't know if he wants to do it
because I think it comes too easy for him. Um.
(21:29):
I mean, he like freestyles like crazy, um, and he
can make his own songs, and he's really good with
numbers and math, and he wants to be like a
finance guy. He's like it was like, I'm gonna be
he know, he loves he loves numbers. Um. And I
think Cross just wants to be Spider Man right now.
(21:50):
We don't know yet. And what to tell them about that?
You talk to them? Well, I had to. I was
the one who had to break the news to them,
so I yeah, so, but no one could have done
that for me. I had to do that. Um. Nobody
prepares you for that, no, no, even though you know
(22:12):
in my previous years I went to a seminar by death.
Oh I know, yeah, why I have a friend. Why
were you there? And what did you learn? I learned
that no one really dies, and that you know, it's
just an experience in the physical form, and we're attached
(22:35):
to our personalities, but that we're just souls and that
we continue and continue and continue. And if you have
a spiritual relationship with someone on Earth, you will have
one with them when you leave Earth. Um. So I
did this like two days seminar on depth. So this
was how long ago I had to be like, what
sent you there? Um? Do you find that weird? Though
(22:57):
I'm weird. No, it's not weird that you would go.
It's just it's almost like you were preparing yourself for
what you would have to I told you I didn't
have such a connection to Earth at a young age.
I know, But you don't find that as like you
were preparing yourself for what you were going to have
to deal with that we're all going to have to
deal with, all right, very well, that solid point, you
(23:17):
know what I mean? It's not just me like we
all think you'll go through it. Um, the point of
this conversation, right, Yes, sorry, I forgot, even I forget
sometimes this is going to happen to every single human.
It is why were you so aware of that? And
what even sent you there? In a little bit of
a fanatic about truth? So if it's something I love truth,
(23:41):
um so I think I just I'm telling you. I
did a lot of like spiritual work as a young
girl because I had a pretty traumatic childhood that I
needed to get some peace. Now this is my second trauma,
and this is my second quest for a deeper spiritual understanding.
So now I was like reading all the books, but
now I'm applying in all the books. So yeah, I
did this seminar. I went to this conference with this
(24:04):
a friend of mine who actually is an intuitive and
um it gave me a better concept of it. It
didn't totally prepare me, because I don't think anything could
really prepare you for that, but it gave me language
to talk to my kids about until I say the
words transitioned. And you know I always say that, like
(24:25):
you know, Daddy is everywhere, and you know he feels us.
We feel him at any time there's something you want
to say, you might not hear him, but she'll feel
it and follow that guidance and write letters and talk
to him or you know stuff like that. Do you
feel like empathetic to other people who kind of go
through things? Now? I consider myself to be like a
(24:47):
super empathic EmPATH, like almost that. I have to work
on it too, because I feel sometimes a little too
much for people. That's your power and if you calm
it down, then your intuition won't be so high. So
don't calm it down. Yeah, but it doesn't really serve
if lesson. If three people in the room are down, yeah, sir,
for you to go down, you're going to go down
(25:09):
with them. But that's really good. You're impact because that
means you're really intuitive. I think we should all be empathetic. Yeah,
but some of us aren't that touched with other people's
energy because we're too much in our own. But you
don't think consuming other people's energy could sometimes not be
You have to learn to like this is what I'm
working Okay, got it? I can't. I can't. You know,
my friends like going through I can't go down? Yeah,
(25:32):
hear you? Yea, that's your practice. Then it's so hard. Yeah. See,
I don't have that issue. I wish I did, know
you don't. I mean, of course I have like compassion. No,
but I mean I wish that. I guess I am,
and I guess I am. I do pick up my
energy really well, but I do know how to shake
other people's energy off fast. That's good, especially especially in
(25:57):
this town. I was thinking about you when I landed.
I was like, either you like Nipsy's everywhere you know
there are murals there is like oh yeah, no, it's
not easy, I think I thought. I wonder if Lauren
has ever thought about moving or does she enjoy me.
I want to move all the time. I just know
it's not the right time for my family if I live.
(26:18):
You also love l A. I love it. It's tattooed
on me to the death of me. I love l A.
But it's too heavy for me right now. Yeah, everywhere
you go right not even just I mean it's not
even that because he's everywhere. He's in my house everywhere,
and I sleep and wake up with him on my mind,
so I'm in it, um. But it's just that l
(26:40):
A feels really heavy. It feels heavy for me, And
you would say, but I'm staying put right now. Yeah,
And then I just don't think it's like a good
time for like the rest of the our family that
loves us and wants to make sure they have a
close eye on us. And you know, but yeah, I
would go to the desert it And what would you
(27:02):
do in the desert, Lauren, I don't know, A nice
a real nice hut, a glamorous luxury hat. And we
still need our still need our comfort. Now I would
I don't know, I would just be I think still
could you really? Because we say that absolutely without doubt,
really without a doubt. I don't know why I don't
(27:25):
believe you. I don't know why you don't because because
I still feel like you have one foot in where
you're like you still love I would imagine you still
love what you do. Like do you still love acting?
I do love acting. I don't like the politics with acting. Okay,
oh the business of it. I don't like the business
of it, but I love action. And then you say
I love that. I love that. But this is why
(27:47):
I say, you still have one foot in. But I
could like, come and do that and go back. Yes,
that you could do, but you don't want to give up?
What are you doing? Just one with? No? I sometimes
do you want to disappear? But I don't think that's
a part of my calling, you know what I mean.
I think i'd be Yeah, I think i'd be selfish,
(28:11):
and I think then I wouldn't be complete. But the
selfish side of me would love to disappear sometimes sometimes
do you do things for yourself like that? Do you do?
They have to force me out, that's right. And then
now I guess I have a reputation that I don't
go nowhere because I'm like, no one invites me anywhere.
Come on, guys, Come on, guys, I'm gonna say it.
(28:33):
They don't invite me nowhere always invites me. Thank you,
bet y'all make me feel seen in essence, Thank you all.
But and nobody else. They don't invite me nowhere because
you know, Yann says, because I don't go nowhere, Well,
because you have to be they have to remember, I know,
I know, but yeah, that's what happens. Legacy. Do you
(28:55):
ever think about yours? Yes? What is it? What is what?
Do you? I would love to leave generational wealth for
my grandkids, and I would like to leave a sweet
have a sweet place in everyone's heart that I met.
(29:15):
Mm hmmm. Because people look at you and they see
Nepsy Forever. Right, do you have a responsibility or do
you put that responsibility on yourself to kind of almost
like rep his legacy or I mean especially for my son,
you know what I mean. We we share a five
year old, so yeah, I have to um. But I'm
(29:38):
very big on integrity and honor naturally, So I'm gonna
always intend to hold myself up and and have integrity
and what I do, and honor and what I do,
and you know, try to always thinking about like what
would Hustle do if it was me? So I just
try to maintain that what he would do. He feels like,
(30:03):
like what would Hustle do? I feel like the marathon
store should have a what would Hustle do? Yeah? Sure,
I'm always thinking like what will Hustle do in this situation?
That's amazing. I asked you that because I think some
people could get lost in somebody else's legacy, you know
what I mean, when you're connected to somebody so strong
and people look to you for that. He would never
(30:23):
want me to do that. He would never want me
to do that. It's so many conversations we had about
my own destiny, my own marathon, you know, He's always
be like Bill, you got you your own, You're the
one you gotta like. You know, he would hype me
up so much, like he would never want me to
just get lost in his purpose and miss my mark
(30:45):
whatever that is, big or small. He wouldn't want that,
Like I wouldn't want that for anybody. I wanted my
kids to be caught up behind me either. You know,
a very easy mistake for people to be well, yeah,
because you also feel like you know you you're still
attacked to them, but a lot of your own purpose
and living in your truth makes you more connected to them,
(31:07):
you know what I mean? The very thing we're afraid
to do is what keeps us away. What's on your
bucket list? Do you have something one thing you want
to do living on an astronom for like a year
and devote like a very monk style life for a
year year? And what do you what is that? What
(31:27):
would that entail? Um? Just like devote to when you
because I'm deeper than the earth, No, I would just
like to like spend time only devoting to God in nature.
I want to like get that deep within myself for
a year. Yes, yes, what and then like all this
(31:50):
like natural food and then like go to the waterfall
and shower in the waterfall, and just I could do
that for two weeks strong. Really, I would imagine what
a year does to you. You probably never come back
the same. Is that what you want? Because like, would
you want to not come back the same? I feel
(32:11):
like it might be the joke I need one day.
I'm telling you, I just am like a big student
on truth, like I want to know, especially after this happened.
I'm just like, Okay, God, I don't want to know
a lot of your mysteries. I mean, that's a beautiful
thing though on my relationship with God. And I remember
hearing people to say, you know, you don't really have
a relationship to you question God? And I had a
(32:34):
lot of questions afterwards, real ones, you want to share anything.
I just was like, you know, I pray really hard
when I heard he had got shot, and so then
I felt like, oh then my prayer, My prayer didn't work.
So prayer didn't work. So then I was like, what's
really going on? Why? How I feel like God um
(33:00):
dropped the ball on me. That's how I felt. It
took it real personal, and then I started to feel like,
why not you? Why not you? Girl? Who are you?
Women go through this daily? Why not you? And so
then I had to get out of my ego and
then my relationship started. Oh oh, I just felt something
(33:22):
when you said that quot a little yeah you did.
Something is happened that I'm telling you. That's crazy. It's
called this truth and like confirmation. I like when spirit
confirms there's something you said earlier in this that I
don't know it will stick with me forever because I
(33:43):
never really thought about it. You said earlier about you
stand in front row at a funeral, and I do
remember watch because I wasn't there at service. I watched
that on TV and you came out with your kids,
and I don't know if everybody when you came out,
everybody was like does everybody had been feeling for you
so strongly and yeah, and you seemed I don't know,
(34:05):
just like so regal and so did you feel that way?
You look so put together and just felt like it
was surreal and I felt like I was. I can
honestly say I was. A guy was carrying me through that.
(34:27):
That wasn't me, That was all God, because there was
no way I didn't want to get dressed. I was
gonna wear sweats and you really, somebody, I'm getting somebody
pull you aside. Somebody pulled me aside? Um Puff really
Puff holm Aside was like, look, but you have showed
everybody would it looks like to hold a man down
(34:48):
and to love them? Now show them what it looks
like when it all crumbles. That's show responsibility. I hope
he doesn't mind me sharing that. But Puff was small,
you know, he's like a real brother. He spent through
a lot of loss too, right, So he was like,
you get you know, you show up because he heard
I guess I don't know who was somebody called Puff.
(35:10):
Somebody called Puff somebody and your family. And I was like,
I'm wearing whatever. I'm not supposed to this now, you know.
I was like giving that, and so he was like, no,
show show up, show up with your head up. So
I really think God just carried me through that because
I don't know how. I don't know how. I stood
(35:31):
on two feet like you got up that day you
had your hair done. I was just there. I was
just there. It was like I was floating through it.
I was legit. I don't remember half of it, and
when do you come back? When it was like all done,
like it was over. It was over, and everybody went
(35:55):
back to their lives and they faded to black. Then
they didn't got real and I was like, oh, ship
you in this. It's like it's a tunnel, baby, and
you gotta walk through. It's no shortcuts out. You can't
turn back around because it's nothing back there, and all
you see is pitch black ahead. You don't know how
(36:16):
long this tunnel is, and ain't nobody else any with
you. You You hear some people, but you can't see him.
Do you ever want to give up? Yes? In those moments?
Do you think about that? Yeah? I do? But then
I also feel like my kids deserve happiness, And I
always like my kids deserve a very happy mom. They
(36:39):
deserve joy. Why would I rob them of that? You know?
So that gets me up? M hm. And they seem
like they have joy. They seem like Cam loves when
I go to work. He's like, you're going to work.
You got a job. I'm like, somebody, please give me
a job for him because it just don't ever. He
loves when I'm at work because it makes him feel
(37:00):
our old life you know what I mean. It makes
him feel like she's moving, like life is happening. Because
did you let them see you dark like when you
and that? Did they? Yeah? It was real and I
was very honest with them. This this is life. I'm
not going to pretend this don't exist. This is sadness
(37:22):
some people, some people might know. I mean, it's just
I think it's just a choice in parenting. You know,
I'm very transparent my kids because you know, I don't
want them to have a false reality of life, you
know what I mean. I want them to be like
strapped up and ready to go. Where are you If
(37:44):
you don't want to answer this or you don't like
the question, to throw it away, but where you would love?
Oh this doesn't bother me because, um, here's the thing.
I have another perspective on relationships, and you don't want
to have that conversation with me. Okay. I think a
lot of them are ego driven and they're not pure.
(38:04):
So why would I take myself in this vulnerable stay
into my ego and I'm trying to get out of it.
I'm in death of the ego space? Why do I
need another? Why does that make my life complete, I'll
never get married. Does that mean I'm not on purpose?
I need you to. I'm gonna get a lot of
(38:26):
slack for this one because I have a whole thing
about it. No I need to know is that's not
a small thing to drop like because relationships are hard,
absolutely right, and so mine was. It was very hard.
Hell yeah, because we make it like a fantasy in
our heads. You guys had the perfect relationship with you
on the horse. We had pure love. We have pure love,
(38:48):
But that does not mean that we were not human
and our egos and not get attached into aspects of
our relationship. But we definitely have pure love. But you
had enough intention to probably like die sexual always good intention.
But break that down for people about relationships and ego
and because some people probably don't don't even think about that. No,
(39:10):
and I didn't think about it until I wasn't in
relationship anymore because of the death right. A lot of times,
not all the time, we are in such of a
in our ego that we are in possession of another person.
We're not experiencing them, we're not totally loving them and
(39:33):
letting them be free. We think we're supposed to be
together forever, and that's not a spiritual relationship. Spiritual relationship
is without the ego. It is we are together. I
bring you up, inspire you, you inspire me. Now if
it ever comes a point where I am not inspired anymore,
(39:53):
and that now I'm in my ego, now I feel
I need to possess you. Now, I feel the need
to control you in your mind. I'm in my ego
and that's not love it there's love in there. But
now I'm operating more in my ego and not in
my pure love. And I can say this because I
operated from these spaces before. Absolutely you mind, he can nobody,
(40:19):
You know what I mean, but that nobody is yours.
Unless the agreement is that we're gonna be. We're gonna
experience Earth a little bit longer than some right, I
just don't feel the need to participate in my ego
(40:39):
and someone else and there's anymore. And I've experienced pure love.
I am not without pure love. I might not ever
be married, but I experienced pure love, and that's what
you ex I got that. I got to see that
on earth. I don't need to do that again. I'd
(41:04):
like to feel enlightenment with God now. Like I said,
I don't know when I'm fifty, sixty, seventy, but thirty seven,
I'm good. I'm good. I don't want it. I don't
want know. How did you get that with Nip? How
did you put ego inside? I did. I didn't get
to do it when Nip was here. I didn't get
(41:25):
to do it when he was here. I was very
much in my control and my I love you so much.
I want to just hold on to you forever. Then
life happened. Then it's like you can't hold on forever.
Then I had to learn how to have a spiritual relationship.
Then I had to dig deep in than myself. But
(41:45):
I mean we It wasn't always. I wasn't always so
in my fear of losing him, because that's nothing. We're getting.
Our fear of losing this relationship, this connection, what our
life looked like together. That then we just hold onto
it so tight it ends up slipping out anyway, you
know what I mean? I said, I lost myself in
a lot of aspects of my relationship, But it didn't.
(42:08):
I wasn't all. I didn't start like that. It was
very pure good intention. We loved each other right and
we loved each other till the end of time. But
I was still human and I didn't learn that part
of myself yet. I didn't know I had that possession
and like, oh, I love you so much. Please only
(42:28):
that's a good reminder for people to just check themselves.
I mean, it's really hard to learn. Can you be
because you could do that now in retrospect, but can
you do that in actual real life? Not you? But
I'm just I don't know, and I don't want to know.
To see my point, I'm cool, like I don't even
(42:48):
know if I want to practice that. It's hard. It's
really hard, you know what I mean? And I think,
you know, I do believe in love. I think love
is beautiful and like I said, I experience pure love
on earth for real. I can, like right hand a guy,
I loved him with every inch of the soul, and
I believe he did the same. I just you know,
(43:09):
I think moving forward on earth for me is about God,
me and God, me and my kids, you know, making
them stable. What am I supposed to do here? You
know what I mean? How deep am I to go here?
I'm just I just want to do that. I think
that's fascinating for people to look at and think about
in their own relationship because we all do that, right
we all. You probably even do it to some extent.
(43:31):
I don't know if you do because you had this
experience in enlightening, but we probably even do that with
our kids for sure. I'm like, wait, where are you going?
You know what I mean? Like, yeah, of course, but
and I think that it's harder to not be like
that with your kids because you start off as a
micromanager and then that changes to just like you know,
(43:53):
the yeah you're a consultant lord. See, I ain't reached
that point your stuff. See, and now you seeing that
you're trying to throw me in relationship. I don't have
time for him. I gotta do these. I'm already stressed out,
Like no, don't go. I love that notion though, because
most people operate from two emotions and see the love
(44:15):
or fear so all the other things that happen, it's
usually control under one of those. It's disguising as it's
disguising as so when you talk about ego, and that's
a lot that's fear fear. So I love my man
so much, I don't want to have anything to happen
to him. I don't want to. That's so I'm gonna
keep him right here. It's because it's fear, total fear. Yeah,
(44:36):
or am I good enough for am I? You know?
In the competition aspect of it? All about that game,
I'm so happy I'm not that game out, that game
that's not a fun game. Done done Dune, Dune, Dune, Dune,
God bless it though. See, I just need to be
like a nun somewhere. Yeah, I'm not really. I mean,
I respect you, understand your decision, I really do, and
(45:01):
I think you're in a beautiful place and I want
you to stay in a pie, stay healthy and but
as but I don't know as somebody who really genuinely
just likes you and connection. Yeah, you know, I think
at least you should just be open to whatever God
puts in your path at some point. But you know nothing, Yeah,
that's just that you know what people feel? Yeah, I
(45:23):
think people And it's it makes people afraid to hear
me say that because then they have to not say you.
But like it's like we can people really exist by themselves,
you know what I mean? It kind of like I
have the full Yeah, It disrupts fantasy. It disrupts this
notion that we have to be in these like strong
(45:44):
relations units. Yeah, and here's here's the truth. If my
situation didn't end via death, I'd still be in it deep,
you know what i mean, not even having this notion
of this and maybe if if I did it when
it came in another lesson, it just came in this one. Yeah, Well,
(46:05):
you have many lessons to teach us all on my
TED talk. What would your ted talk beyond? It would
be on death, and it would be on what what
what happens when when your earth blows up? What happens
after that? How do you what is the what do
the ashes look like? How do you pick up from ash?
(46:26):
It's like Phoenix Rising. That should be the name of
your dead talk Phoenix Rising. Yeah, Lauren Rising, Lauren Rising,
I'm telling you, Yeah, I'm into that. And I'm trying
to get a need a Baker ticket, So like those things,
I'm sure we can work out like her at the Venetian.
I need that. I need to see you know what
(46:48):
I mean that A couple of things that's on my
bucket list. I need a Baker. I'm like a Rochelle Farrell.
I need a baker, give me some well downing. I'm happy.
You're happy girl. We all want you to be a
happy girl. This give me some near to bakers. Where's
Hank happy? Thank you. It was so good and I
(47:11):
was so happy. It was yumy
Andre Martinez in Real Life Podcast Chapter one, We're All
Gonna Die. Lauren London was the first person on my
brain when I thought about having this podcast because of
a couple of reasons. Number one, I think she's super dope.
I think you're super dope, and also I think there's
a lot to learn from you. Are you weirded out
by talking and doing interviews and sharing just what your
(00:20):
life has been like? Not to you? Um? And I
guess I'm kind of like learning how to do that
in this new space because I'm learning so much about
myself now and I've changed so much, so like talking
from this space yet it's new, so I'm not talking
a lot. You haven't done a lot at all. I
(00:41):
don't blame you, honestly in talking to people. I just
want to be intentional and I want it to be
a safe space because then what am I saying? For real? Yeah?
And there's so many not safe spaces now because everybody's
talking everybody. There's a podcast everywhere, there's an interview show,
you know, there's a radio show everywhere, and people are competing,
so they tend to clickbait. Yeah, they want clickbay and
(01:04):
just what the intentions are like the intentions are not
always that, which is one of the reasons I wanted
to do this. So I really wanted to have conversations
with people because I need inspiration just like everybody else does.
And I really wanted to talk to people that I
could feel get good energy from, share good energy with,
and then put that out in the world. So that
was one of the reasons. But then when I told
you the name, I was a little nervous. I was like, wow,
(01:25):
I was nervous because because when you've experienced so much,
I feel like I want to be sensitive to you.
But then I thought to myself, is that like annoying
to her that everyone would want to treat you with
kid gloves or be sensitive or treat you differently, Like
that's has to be a big thing. In the past
couple of years, it's been a big thing. I really
(01:45):
am grateful for it. When it's genuine. I don't really
like when it's pity. I feel when it's pity I
feel when it's like I couldn't imagine going through that
like that. No one ever wants to feel like their
particular city ration is like the worst thing anyone else
could imagine because then it makes you feel so isolated
in your human experience. You kind of want to feel
(02:08):
like I don't want to say normal, but like it's okay,
and that other people could be going through something too.
So I do feel the pity makes me feel pitiful.
But I do appreciate when people are sensitive, because there
are days where I'm like, I don't wanna, like, no,
please be sensitive with me. Yeah, so it's a I
(02:30):
guess it's like a It depends on the person and
their intention. I think sometimes people don't even mean it.
It's even like somebody and we know somebody is going
through something right now. Other way, people, especially in death
right like the way we treat people. We go to
a funeral, everybody's like doesn't know what to say, and
you know, people don't have death etiquette. The humans do
(02:50):
not know how to We just don't know because we
It's like the most foreign concept to us but the
most common, and it it's inevitable every single person You're
going to die. Yes, that's what's gonna happen. There's no
way out of here. I'm gonna have a funeral, And
the thought of it feels like a fantasy, but it's real.
You know what I mean. But I just don't think
(03:12):
that we know how to die or accept death, and
then we don't know how to usher people in that
transition either. What can you teach people about that have
experienced with the experience that you had, Like, what was
there anything that comes to mind that you're like, hey,
maybe try this, you know, I think just sitting with someone,
I felt like the people that came to just like
be with me, And sometimes I think just holding space.
(03:33):
It's hard for us because when your friend or something
you love is going through something, you naturally want to
fix it. And this is not something to fix, it's
something to go through with someone. So you just roll
with them, you sit with them, you hold space for them,
you hug them, you feed them. You you don't maybe
not try to say something that will make them feel better,
because it's really nothing that it makes them feel better,
and it's not really on you. It's not on you.
(03:56):
Just hold the space for them, you know what I mean,
and just be there. That really helped me a lot too. It's,
you know, one of the things one of the reasons
I felt like when we spoke briefly about this about
a couple of years ago, I had a car accident
and I had it some loss in my family, and
it shifted how I look at life. And I thought
before that, before that year, I thought I knew everything.
(04:19):
I'm so, I'm spiritual, I'm right, until when I got
rocked like that, it made me realize, Oh, you don't
know everything, and you're actually doing some things wrong, and
you're gonna be uncomfortable while you're trying to figure out
how to fix it. And so I think I fixed
a lot of things. And I think sometimes it takes
trauma or it takes tragedy to shift you that way.
(04:41):
And that's one of the reasons I thought about this podcast.
But the truth is, why do we wait till somebody
dies to think, oh, I gotta live every day? Life
is short? My time? Is we should? We should? We
should be reminded of that all the time, because well,
I think the pain. I think we have fear of
people dying, so we don't want to face it yet
until it's in our face. So to already have to
(05:03):
you know, you know whether you have yeah, but you
don't know till it's at your front door. I always say,
the front row at the funeral is different. You know
when you have to sit down, like you know, I've
been a lot of funerals. I've never set front row
at one. That's different. What does that do to you?
Shift your perspective on life? You know what I mean?
Make you see not only that is life short, but
(05:25):
that is a gift, you know, And because everyone's time
is so different, what am I doing with this gift? Like,
oh man, I need to accept all of it, even
the ugly, because it is really a gift, this experience,
it's a karmic experience. And that's another thing I used
to hear about and not know nothing about it, you
know what I mean. I don't you have to tell
(05:46):
me because you've done a lot more work in no,
so I really have it. That's one where you're like
with healers and all that, Well, you're on healing. You
might not need to, you know, everyone the path to
it is all different songs. You get to the end
of it, you know what I mean, you might not
need to do all that, or I have to do
all that to find that heal everythin yourself. I needed guidance,
(06:08):
heavy guidance still now yeah, yeah, what has been the
best the best thing you've learned from that or that
it's given you. One of the greatest things I've learned
that I'm still learning is that like food really helps
with depression. Really yeah, because I'm an emotional eater, so
my weight fluctuates, so like I get sad and want
to eat a twigs or like pizza and stuff like that,
(06:31):
but it would make me more depressed. But then I
learned that when I ate like higher vibrational foods, I
didn't I wasn't so down. I wasn't so deep in
my depression. So that's one of the things that I'm
learning I'm still trying to apply. And just that like
healing is such a up and down experience, Like it's
(06:55):
not just like shoot and then I'm gonna become a
fairy godmother and flyaway. I'm healed. I'm fine. No, I
don't know if that's for anyone, you know, I've just
learned that it does go up and down. And sometimes
the shadow work is like that. To me. Shadow work
is really so it's just like digging deep into your
(07:17):
ego self and why you either have envy or why
you have feeling to compare yourself to others, or why
do you feel um, you know, depression, So digging into
that shadow work, that dark side of your other self
that's hard to face, right because I'm and then I
(07:38):
was really being on judgment, like I could look like
I don't need that, yeah, and then I think it altogether.
You're very quick to be like I would that I
was so good like I wouldn't. I'm not judging a
soul no more because I just realized in my shadow
work that my judgment of them was my judgment of myself.
It was just really my harsh judgment on my self.
(08:00):
I didn't get myself no slack, but it appeared that
it was that judgment on others. I feel like that too,
and that's one of my things. It's like, even if
you're going through something, why I got to be heavy
or heavy about it. I'm always like, whenever I have
I want to talk about this, and but I don't
want to be heavy or heavy or like preachy or
or soap boxy. I hate a soap Yeah yeah no,
(08:20):
but I'm I'm deeper than the earth, like I'll go, well,
can go? Oh I'm dramatic too, so I'm like, oh,
we can go all the way. Should say that like
you are deeper than the earth. God, damn like it
wasn't he though? Yeah? Hell yeah he was. We had
a lot of nerve. He was like a highly spiritual,
intelligent person like he would. He was all into space
(08:44):
and stuff like that. I haven't gotten there yet. What
the funny thing about about that is that I feel
like I know and I hate this about it, but
I feel like I got to know him so much
more like a lot of people did after he was gone.
That just means his purpose lives on, you know what
I mean. Just means his purpose did not leave with
the body. That the spirit just kept moving. But what
(09:05):
what what? What the whole world saw and kind of
re fell in love with or fell deeper in love
with after you were living that? Yeah, I think. But
here's the thing. When someone leaves their body, then they
become like ultra human. I was living with a human.
So he was not perfect, perfect doing the right thing,
(09:27):
but you know, no one is. But you know, he
had good intentions. And I think that we are really
intention is so important. We're really like kind of our
lives are based on like our daily intentions. He had
really getting intentions. He really meant well, and he was
doing great work. What he was doing was not light work.
He loved for people to be at a high level.
(09:49):
Like he was not a hater, like you know what
I mean. And so he wasn't really in his he didn't.
He wasn't someone that operated out to his ego in
that space when it came to other people. Sometimes when
people passed early, the signs of it earlier, this might
be a little weird. But and then then something that
there you never would expect. No, I thought Hustle was Superman,
he will live forever. I thought I was gonna go first. Really,
(10:10):
I would always ask questions like what are you gonna
do when I die? Like I was always so morbid,
you would think that think that I thought I was
gonna die early in my twenties because I had I
don't know, I said these like crazy dreams growing up.
So but then I had Cameron, and I was like, oh,
I guess I'm not going to pass earlier. I just
never growing up, I didn't have such an attachment to Earth.
This sounds weird, but okay, I like it. I was
(10:33):
a little weird. I didn't have an attachment. Okay, I
didn't have an attachment to earth. Um, I was a unicorn.
I don't know what the fun I was, but I
didn't have an attachment. And then I had my first son.
I was like, Okay, I guess I'll be here a
little longer. And then life and then I like diod
things started to happen. It could have been my trauma
(10:54):
that I was just like over life, and then good
things started to happen to me, and I was like,
all right, I like life. It's cool, you know what
I mean? Yeah? So I always had these might ask
people hella more of a questions. I don't anymore because
it just got too real. But I used to ask like,
oh I want this song to be played at my funeral.
(11:14):
Oh you would think about that a lot, girl. And
then one time I was in the car thinking about
it and the damn song played and on the radio.
I was like, let me stop thinking about this type
of ship, because I could be willing this ship into
my life. That's what I wondered. And even when I
named this, I was worried about like if I if
I say that all the time, does that bring it?
I'm like no, because my intention is really it's not
about that it's about life. It's about just reminding ourselves
(11:36):
that our time here is limited. And so then once
I kind of came to grips with that, then I
was like, oh, it's okay. I'm not willing because you're
not I'm not no, no, no, no no. I think
you're giving out information and you're also making people comfortable
with a topic that we don't ever face until it's
too late, until we're not prepared. We're not prepared, and
(11:58):
then there's a whole other thing about it that we're
not prepared for, just the dealing with it, like it's
just three years, it's just three years later. Tim for me,
that I feel really kicks in the five years later,
like what is that? Because you know, first you're in shot,
and then there's a lot of attention and love around you,
and then people get back to their lives and then
now you're like, well, how do I get back to
(12:19):
my life when it's shifted so much? And then what
does life look like for me now? And then you're
like rebirthing. Then someone dies and now you're in a rebirth,
but you're in the rebirth and that's weird. And then
people kind of start going away people their lives and
they start talking bad about you again. They don't give
about who was talking about Sabody. No, no, no, no,
(12:39):
no anybody. No one did anything. But you know what
I mean. They're like, oh, because do you feel like
there's an army of people out here that want to
protect you? I do. Yeah, Like you said, who did
it right now? There would be an army of people
that would show up for you. That makes me feel
good inside. I didn't always feel like that. Yeah, I
feel like you are definitely people want to detect you
(13:00):
and people want to show you up. Even when I
said I'm talking a law and they're like, how doing
Everybody's like, oh, like, oh, there's like a soft like
I don't know, because people knew I was on my
way out. I was feeling like I don't know. I
did think about you a lot though during those times,
prayed for you a lot and that time. But now
that you're like, and then you get to a place
where you want to do rebirth, how are you doing that?
(13:22):
Are you doing that? You started working again? I just
finished it. Yeah, I just did a whole movie. You
did another, well, you did the movie Michael bh. Yeah, yeah,
all right, and that's a great Grief also messed up
your memo. Wasn't that the first time? That the first
thing you did? But grief really strikes your memory different.
(13:44):
It just like you block out a lot of things,
you know when you're pregnant, and you're like, pregnancy brain,
brief brain is real, really and still happening, still happens.
The people will tell me about something that happened in
two thousand and sixteen, and I'm like, yeah, remember, I
like block a lot of my old life out in
a weird way. Are you proud of yourself? Yeah? Why
(14:12):
It's gonna sound crazy, but I'm taking like there was
a time I couldn't even take a shower. There was
a time I didn't even laugh, and I remember feeling
so dark, Like am I ever going to laugh? You
know what I mean? Am I ever going to something
really make me chuckle genuinely? Um? And yeah I have laughed,
(14:34):
and um, I take a lot of showers. My nails
are yeah, like you know what I mean? Yeah, I
mean I was really in a in a dark space,
I think, and I am someone that I don't just
feel it, I go in it. I'm just proud that
(14:54):
I'm not where I was three years ago? What do
you want to do? Still? Have you thought about that? Like?
What is the if we're talking about like our time
is limited here, Like what do you want to do
with the rest of that? I really want to like
be peaceful and I would like to like give peace
to others. It's very simple. I don't. I don't think
(15:15):
my I don't have like these large accomplishments anymore. We're like, oh,
I want to win an oscar, Like I don't have this. Yeah,
but I think that was because that was like expected,
like that's what you're supposed to want to want to do. Um.
I don't know if I ever really cared. Um, But
I think I just want to I just don't want
(15:35):
to miss my mark, whatever God has for me to
do on earth. In the realest way, I do not
want to miss that mark. I just want to do
that every day. So you you do you know what
that mark is? I mean, I'm still figuring out. I don't.
I do feel like having a good intention speaking out,
(15:58):
you know, being kind to people. UM, not over exerting
myself because then I'll be a fraud. UM. I do
think that a lot of my work now might not
be in front of the camera. It might be behind
the camera and encouraging someone else in front of the camera. Um,
I want to be more creative behind the scenes. Is
(16:19):
there anything you don't want to do that maybe you
used to do carpets? Deep? Yeah, I don't really want
to walk those no more. Damn If you could live
your life perfectly never again, never again, or work out
(16:41):
feeling to pick up a damn way for you child,
I would be sitting up there chilling in the mountains.
But yeah, I mean, I'm I'm I am grateful of
the jobs that I recently just did. They were really good. Yeah.
I just did this movie with Ken Barris, Eddie Murphy, Long,
(17:03):
Jonah Hill, who's my new best friend. I love funny. Yeah, yeah,
he's awesome. Uh yeah, No, it was a It was
a really good film. And it was the first time
I ever did a movie outside or without remorse, where
like I didn't feel the pressure of having to like
be a certain way. I just showed up. What is
(17:23):
that normally? How you feel like you? Yeah, well, you
know you're just gonna make sure your lines are perfect.
You just want to make sure you're perfect. You have
all this pressure of like being perfect, and I was
just an observer. I just watched and I was just
a part of the experience. I didn't I wasn't in
my head about it, and that was new for me.
Do you feel like having had gone through such a
trauma and tragedy, like there's something also beautiful that you get? Yeah? Yeah,
(17:46):
I think so. I'm just more present as a mom,
you know what I mean. And I have this like
freedom of just focusing on them in my relationship with God,
Like that's it, That is it. What do you pray
foremost peace? Oh? My God, I pray for a piece
a lot, all twenty for seven peace and protection. Those
(18:09):
are really important for me, for you, for your family,
for my family, for my family. What about anger? No,
And that's the thing I wasn't. I'm not angry. I'm
not angry as much as I am like m you
know what I mean. I never had no point. Of
course it does, and you know, it gets I get
(18:32):
agitated with people easier um or I feel like it
came disguised as control. Now I have like strong control
issues that I'm working through. I have to control of
your little thing in a weird way because maybe I
don't want to be angry or surprised, but that could drumatized,
but that could be underneath that sadness. Clearly is anger,
(18:55):
but it hasn't showed up how it used to. We're
for me used to like ready to fight? Who was
you fighting? Oh? My god? Myself? Mostly but you know
what I mean, anything anybody like anything would piss me
off and I'd be like, well, what were we gonna
do with it? You want to fight? No? Like, you
(19:17):
know what I mean? That was always my instead of
like talking things out, I'd be like, are we fighting? No?
So shut you know what I mean? Relationship to combative
in your relationship and I'm not fighting in my relationship physically,
but am my combative? I think I used to have
a really smartass mouth. Yeah I could see that. I could.
Don't think I was always uh. I always say I'm
not good for the male ego. I'm not I'm not
(19:37):
the I'm not the partner for if you have an
ego that needs to be stroked. I'm not your girl chicken,
because I'm giving all truth. I'm truth down like not
so much, you know what I mean? And I think
it makes me a good friend. Because it's honest. Yeah,
you know what I mean. I'm gonna keep it real
(19:57):
with you because I want you to be your highest
you know. And I'm so honest with my damn kids,
my poor kids. But that makes them trust me, you
know what I mean, That makes them and that makes
me trust them. How are they doing? You know? There
shows up in different ways. Um, and I'm sure you
know kids don't they internalize everything until they get in
(20:21):
their teams. I'm sure you know. I'm trying my best
to help them cultivate how to deal with their emotions
as best as I can the therapy and you know,
I try to be an example. So like they see
me meditate, you know, we go on, they come with
me to my spiritual retreats. Yeah you know what i mean,
because well they're really young still, I'm sure camras over
(20:45):
it or like any type of like church or anything
that I do that feel feeds my soul. I share
with them because I feel like I don't know how
where they're gonna go with their life. But as long
as they have the tools on, Like you know, I
remember my mom was angry or as she did this,
let me try that. So I'm just you know, they're
doing great, much better now. Yeah, And I just love
(21:07):
on them so hard, so hard. They're so cute, but
they're really dope, Like they're really I'm you guys are
my favorite human beings on planets. I love that. Are
they showing signs of what they want to be and
what they want to do? Yeah? So Cam wraps really well.
But I don't know if he wants to do it
because I think it comes too easy for him. Um.
(21:29):
I mean, he like freestyles like crazy, um, and he
can make his own songs, and he's really good with
numbers and math, and he wants to be like a
finance guy. He's like it was like, I'm gonna be
he know, he loves he loves numbers. Um. And I
think Cross just wants to be Spider Man right now.
(21:50):
We don't know yet. And what to tell them about that?
You talk to them? Well, I had to. I was
the one who had to break the news to them,
so I yeah, so, but no one could have done
that for me. I had to do that. Um. Nobody
prepares you for that, no, no, even though you know
(22:12):
in my previous years I went to a seminar by death.
Oh I know, yeah, why I have a friend. Why
were you there? And what did you learn? I learned
that no one really dies, and that you know, it's
just an experience in the physical form, and we're attached
(22:35):
to our personalities, but that we're just souls and that
we continue and continue and continue. And if you have
a spiritual relationship with someone on Earth, you will have
one with them when you leave Earth. Um. So I
did this like two days seminar on depth. So this
was how long ago I had to be like, what
sent you there? Um? Do you find that weird? Though
(22:57):
I'm weird. No, it's not weird that you would go.
It's just it's almost like you were preparing yourself for
what you would have to I told you I didn't
have such a connection to Earth at a young age.
I know, But you don't find that as like you
were preparing yourself for what you were going to have
to deal with that we're all going to have to
deal with, all right, very well, that solid point, you
(23:17):
know what I mean? It's not just me like we
all think you'll go through it. Um, the point of
this conversation, right, Yes, sorry, I forgot, even I forget
sometimes this is going to happen to every single human.
It is why were you so aware of that? And
what even sent you there? In a little bit of
a fanatic about truth? So if it's something I love truth,
(23:41):
um so I think I just I'm telling you. I
did a lot of like spiritual work as a young
girl because I had a pretty traumatic childhood that I
needed to get some peace. Now this is my second trauma,
and this is my second quest for a deeper spiritual understanding.
So now I was like reading all the books, but
now I'm applying in all the books. So yeah, I
did this seminar. I went to this conference with this
(24:04):
a friend of mine who actually is an intuitive and
um it gave me a better concept of it. It
didn't totally prepare me, because I don't think anything could
really prepare you for that, but it gave me language
to talk to my kids about until I say the
words transitioned. And you know I always say that, like
(24:25):
you know, Daddy is everywhere, and you know he feels us.
We feel him at any time there's something you want
to say, you might not hear him, but she'll feel
it and follow that guidance and write letters and talk
to him or you know stuff like that. Do you
feel like empathetic to other people who kind of go
through things? Now? I consider myself to be like a
(24:47):
super empathic EmPATH, like almost that. I have to work
on it too, because I feel sometimes a little too
much for people. That's your power and if you calm
it down, then your intuition won't be so high. So
don't calm it down. Yeah, but it doesn't really serve
if lesson. If three people in the room are down, yeah, sir,
for you to go down, you're going to go down
(25:09):
with them. But that's really good. You're impact because that
means you're really intuitive. I think we should all be empathetic. Yeah,
but some of us aren't that touched with other people's
energy because we're too much in our own. But you
don't think consuming other people's energy could sometimes not be
You have to learn to like this is what I'm
working Okay, got it? I can't. I can't. You know,
my friends like going through I can't go down? Yeah,
(25:32):
hear you? Yea, that's your practice. Then it's so hard. Yeah. See,
I don't have that issue. I wish I did, know
you don't. I mean, of course I have like compassion. No,
but I mean I wish that. I guess I am,
and I guess I am. I do pick up my
energy really well, but I do know how to shake
other people's energy off fast. That's good, especially especially in
(25:57):
this town. I was thinking about you when I landed.
I was like, either you like Nipsy's everywhere you know
there are murals there is like oh yeah, no, it's
not easy, I think I thought. I wonder if Lauren
has ever thought about moving or does she enjoy me.
I want to move all the time. I just know
it's not the right time for my family if I live.
(26:18):
You also love l A. I love it. It's tattooed
on me to the death of me. I love l A.
But it's too heavy for me right now. Yeah, everywhere
you go right not even just I mean it's not
even that because he's everywhere. He's in my house everywhere,
and I sleep and wake up with him on my mind,
so I'm in it, um. But it's just that l
(26:40):
A feels really heavy. It feels heavy for me, And
you would say, but I'm staying put right now. Yeah,
And then I just don't think it's like a good
time for like the rest of the our family that
loves us and wants to make sure they have a
close eye on us. And you know, but yeah, I
would go to the desert it And what would you
(27:02):
do in the desert, Lauren, I don't know, A nice
a real nice hut, a glamorous luxury hat. And we
still need our still need our comfort. Now I would
I don't know, I would just be I think still
could you really? Because we say that absolutely without doubt,
really without a doubt. I don't know why I don't
(27:25):
believe you. I don't know why you don't because because
I still feel like you have one foot in where
you're like you still love I would imagine you still
love what you do. Like do you still love acting?
I do love acting. I don't like the politics with acting. Okay,
oh the business of it. I don't like the business
of it, but I love action. And then you say
I love that. I love that. But this is why
(27:47):
I say, you still have one foot in. But I
could like, come and do that and go back. Yes,
that you could do, but you don't want to give up?
What are you doing? Just one with? No? I sometimes
do you want to disappear? But I don't think that's
a part of my calling, you know what I mean.
I think i'd be Yeah, I think i'd be selfish,
(28:11):
and I think then I wouldn't be complete. But the
selfish side of me would love to disappear sometimes sometimes
do you do things for yourself like that? Do you do?
They have to force me out, that's right. And then
now I guess I have a reputation that I don't
go nowhere because I'm like, no one invites me anywhere.
Come on, guys, Come on, guys, I'm gonna say it.
(28:33):
They don't invite me nowhere always invites me. Thank you,
bet y'all make me feel seen in essence, Thank you all.
But and nobody else. They don't invite me nowhere because
you know, Yann says, because I don't go nowhere, Well,
because you have to be they have to remember, I know,
I know, but yeah, that's what happens. Legacy. Do you
(28:55):
ever think about yours? Yes? What is it? What is what?
Do you? I would love to leave generational wealth for
my grandkids, and I would like to leave a sweet
have a sweet place in everyone's heart that I met.
(29:15):
Mm hmmm. Because people look at you and they see
Nepsy Forever. Right, do you have a responsibility or do
you put that responsibility on yourself to kind of almost
like rep his legacy or I mean especially for my son,
you know what I mean. We we share a five
year old, so yeah, I have to um. But I'm
(29:38):
very big on integrity and honor naturally, So I'm gonna
always intend to hold myself up and and have integrity
and what I do, and honor and what I do,
and you know, try to always thinking about like what
would Hustle do if it was me? So I just
try to maintain that what he would do. He feels like,
(30:03):
like what would Hustle do? I feel like the marathon
store should have a what would Hustle do? Yeah? Sure,
I'm always thinking like what will Hustle do in this situation?
That's amazing. I asked you that because I think some
people could get lost in somebody else's legacy, you know
what I mean, when you're connected to somebody so strong
and people look to you for that. He would never
(30:23):
want me to do that. He would never want me
to do that. It's so many conversations we had about
my own destiny, my own marathon, you know, He's always
be like Bill, you got you your own, You're the
one you gotta like. You know, he would hype me
up so much, like he would never want me to
just get lost in his purpose and miss my mark
(30:45):
whatever that is, big or small. He wouldn't want that,
Like I wouldn't want that for anybody. I wanted my
kids to be caught up behind me either. You know,
a very easy mistake for people to be well, yeah,
because you also feel like you know you you're still
attacked to them, but a lot of your own purpose
and living in your truth makes you more connected to them,
(31:07):
you know what I mean? The very thing we're afraid
to do is what keeps us away. What's on your
bucket list? Do you have something one thing you want
to do living on an astronom for like a year
and devote like a very monk style life for a
year year? And what do you what is that? What
(31:27):
would that entail? Um? Just like devote to when you
because I'm deeper than the earth, No, I would just
like to like spend time only devoting to God in nature.
I want to like get that deep within myself for
a year. Yes, yes, what and then like all this
(31:50):
like natural food and then like go to the waterfall
and shower in the waterfall, and just I could do
that for two weeks strong. Really, I would imagine what
a year does to you. You probably never come back
the same. Is that what you want? Because like, would
you want to not come back the same? I feel
(32:11):
like it might be the joke I need one day.
I'm telling you, I just am like a big student
on truth, like I want to know, especially after this happened.
I'm just like, Okay, God, I don't want to know
a lot of your mysteries. I mean, that's a beautiful
thing though on my relationship with God. And I remember
hearing people to say, you know, you don't really have
a relationship to you question God? And I had a
(32:34):
lot of questions afterwards, real ones, you want to share anything.
I just was like, you know, I pray really hard
when I heard he had got shot, and so then
I felt like, oh then my prayer, My prayer didn't work.
So prayer didn't work. So then I was like, what's
really going on? Why? How I feel like God um
(33:00):
dropped the ball on me. That's how I felt. It
took it real personal, and then I started to feel like,
why not you? Why not you? Girl? Who are you?
Women go through this daily? Why not you? And so
then I had to get out of my ego and
then my relationship started. Oh oh, I just felt something
(33:22):
when you said that quot a little yeah you did.
Something is happened that I'm telling you. That's crazy. It's
called this truth and like confirmation. I like when spirit
confirms there's something you said earlier in this that I
don't know it will stick with me forever because I
(33:43):
never really thought about it. You said earlier about you
stand in front row at a funeral, and I do
remember watch because I wasn't there at service. I watched
that on TV and you came out with your kids,
and I don't know if everybody when you came out,
everybody was like does everybody had been feeling for you
so strongly and yeah, and you seemed I don't know,
(34:05):
just like so regal and so did you feel that way?
You look so put together and just felt like it
was surreal and I felt like I was. I can
honestly say I was. A guy was carrying me through that.
(34:27):
That wasn't me, That was all God, because there was
no way I didn't want to get dressed. I was
gonna wear sweats and you really, somebody, I'm getting somebody
pull you aside. Somebody pulled me aside? Um Puff really
Puff holm Aside was like, look, but you have showed
everybody would it looks like to hold a man down
(34:48):
and to love them? Now show them what it looks
like when it all crumbles. That's show responsibility. I hope
he doesn't mind me sharing that. But Puff was small,
you know, he's like a real brother. He spent through
a lot of loss too, right, So he was like,
you get you know, you show up because he heard
I guess I don't know who was somebody called Puff.
(35:10):
Somebody called Puff somebody and your family. And I was like,
I'm wearing whatever. I'm not supposed to this now, you know.
I was like giving that, and so he was like, no,
show show up, show up with your head up. So
I really think God just carried me through that because
I don't know how. I don't know how. I stood
(35:31):
on two feet like you got up that day you
had your hair done. I was just there. I was
just there. It was like I was floating through it.
I was legit. I don't remember half of it, and
when do you come back? When it was like all done,
like it was over. It was over, and everybody went
(35:55):
back to their lives and they faded to black. Then
they didn't got real and I was like, oh, ship
you in this. It's like it's a tunnel, baby, and
you gotta walk through. It's no shortcuts out. You can't
turn back around because it's nothing back there, and all
you see is pitch black ahead. You don't know how
(36:16):
long this tunnel is, and ain't nobody else any with
you. You You hear some people, but you can't see him.
Do you ever want to give up? Yes? In those moments?
Do you think about that? Yeah? I do? But then
I also feel like my kids deserve happiness, And I
always like my kids deserve a very happy mom. They
(36:39):
deserve joy. Why would I rob them of that? You know?
So that gets me up? M hm. And they seem
like they have joy. They seem like Cam loves when
I go to work. He's like, you're going to work.
You got a job. I'm like, somebody, please give me
a job for him because it just don't ever. He
loves when I'm at work because it makes him feel
(37:00):
our old life you know what I mean. It makes
him feel like she's moving, like life is happening. Because
did you let them see you dark like when you
and that? Did they? Yeah? It was real and I
was very honest with them. This this is life. I'm
not going to pretend this don't exist. This is sadness
(37:22):
some people, some people might know. I mean, it's just
I think it's just a choice in parenting. You know,
I'm very transparent my kids because you know, I don't
want them to have a false reality of life, you
know what I mean. I want them to be like
strapped up and ready to go. Where are you If
(37:44):
you don't want to answer this or you don't like
the question, to throw it away, but where you would love?
Oh this doesn't bother me because, um, here's the thing.
I have another perspective on relationships, and you don't want
to have that conversation with me. Okay. I think a
lot of them are ego driven and they're not pure.
(38:04):
So why would I take myself in this vulnerable stay
into my ego and I'm trying to get out of it.
I'm in death of the ego space? Why do I
need another? Why does that make my life complete, I'll
never get married. Does that mean I'm not on purpose?
I need you to. I'm gonna get a lot of
(38:26):
slack for this one because I have a whole thing
about it. No I need to know is that's not
a small thing to drop like because relationships are hard,
absolutely right, and so mine was. It was very hard.
Hell yeah, because we make it like a fantasy in
our heads. You guys had the perfect relationship with you
on the horse. We had pure love. We have pure love,
(38:48):
But that does not mean that we were not human
and our egos and not get attached into aspects of
our relationship. But we definitely have pure love. But you
had enough intention to probably like die sexual always good intention.
But break that down for people about relationships and ego
and because some people probably don't don't even think about that. No,
(39:10):
and I didn't think about it until I wasn't in
relationship anymore because of the death right. A lot of times,
not all the time, we are in such of a
in our ego that we are in possession of another person.
We're not experiencing them, we're not totally loving them and
(39:33):
letting them be free. We think we're supposed to be
together forever, and that's not a spiritual relationship. Spiritual relationship
is without the ego. It is we are together. I
bring you up, inspire you, you inspire me. Now if
it ever comes a point where I am not inspired anymore,
(39:53):
and that now I'm in my ego, now I feel
I need to possess you. Now, I feel the need
to control you in your mind. I'm in my ego
and that's not love it there's love in there. But
now I'm operating more in my ego and not in
my pure love. And I can say this because I
operated from these spaces before. Absolutely you mind, he can nobody,
(40:19):
You know what I mean, but that nobody is yours.
Unless the agreement is that we're gonna be. We're gonna
experience Earth a little bit longer than some right, I
just don't feel the need to participate in my ego
(40:39):
and someone else and there's anymore. And I've experienced pure love.
I am not without pure love. I might not ever
be married, but I experienced pure love, and that's what
you ex I got that. I got to see that
on earth. I don't need to do that again. I'd
(41:04):
like to feel enlightenment with God now. Like I said,
I don't know when I'm fifty, sixty, seventy, but thirty seven,
I'm good. I'm good. I don't want it. I don't
want know. How did you get that with Nip? How
did you put ego inside? I did. I didn't get
to do it when Nip was here. I didn't get
(41:25):
to do it when he was here. I was very
much in my control and my I love you so much.
I want to just hold on to you forever. Then
life happened. Then it's like you can't hold on forever.
Then I had to learn how to have a spiritual relationship.
Then I had to dig deep in than myself. But
(41:45):
I mean we It wasn't always. I wasn't always so
in my fear of losing him, because that's nothing. We're getting.
Our fear of losing this relationship, this connection, what our
life looked like together. That then we just hold onto
it so tight it ends up slipping out anyway, you
know what I mean? I said, I lost myself in
a lot of aspects of my relationship, But it didn't.
(42:08):
I wasn't all. I didn't start like that. It was
very pure good intention. We loved each other right and
we loved each other till the end of time. But
I was still human and I didn't learn that part
of myself yet. I didn't know I had that possession
and like, oh, I love you so much. Please only
(42:28):
that's a good reminder for people to just check themselves.
I mean, it's really hard to learn. Can you be
because you could do that now in retrospect, but can
you do that in actual real life? Not you? But
I'm just I don't know, and I don't want to know.
To see my point, I'm cool, like I don't even
(42:48):
know if I want to practice that. It's hard. It's
really hard, you know what I mean? And I think,
you know, I do believe in love. I think love
is beautiful and like I said, I experience pure love
on earth for real. I can, like right hand a guy,
I loved him with every inch of the soul, and
I believe he did the same. I just you know,
(43:09):
I think moving forward on earth for me is about God,
me and God, me and my kids, you know, making
them stable. What am I supposed to do here? You
know what I mean? How deep am I to go here?
I'm just I just want to do that. I think
that's fascinating for people to look at and think about
in their own relationship because we all do that, right
we all. You probably even do it to some extent.
(43:31):
I don't know if you do because you had this
experience in enlightening, but we probably even do that with
our kids for sure. I'm like, wait, where are you going?
You know what I mean? Like, yeah, of course, but
and I think that it's harder to not be like
that with your kids because you start off as a
micromanager and then that changes to just like you know,
(43:53):
the yeah you're a consultant lord. See, I ain't reached
that point your stuff. See, and now you seeing that
you're trying to throw me in relationship. I don't have
time for him. I gotta do these. I'm already stressed out,
Like no, don't go. I love that notion though, because
most people operate from two emotions and see the love
(44:15):
or fear so all the other things that happen, it's
usually control under one of those. It's disguising as it's
disguising as so when you talk about ego, and that's
a lot that's fear fear. So I love my man
so much, I don't want to have anything to happen
to him. I don't want to. That's so I'm gonna
keep him right here. It's because it's fear, total fear. Yeah,
(44:36):
or am I good enough for am I? You know?
In the competition aspect of it? All about that game,
I'm so happy I'm not that game out, that game
that's not a fun game. Done done Dune, Dune, Dune, Dune,
God bless it though. See, I just need to be
like a nun somewhere. Yeah, I'm not really. I mean,
I respect you, understand your decision, I really do, and
(45:01):
I think you're in a beautiful place and I want
you to stay in a pie, stay healthy and but
as but I don't know as somebody who really genuinely
just likes you and connection. Yeah, you know, I think
at least you should just be open to whatever God
puts in your path at some point. But you know nothing, Yeah,
that's just that you know what people feel? Yeah, I
(45:23):
think people And it's it makes people afraid to hear
me say that because then they have to not say you.
But like it's like we can people really exist by themselves,
you know what I mean? It kind of like I
have the full Yeah, It disrupts fantasy. It disrupts this
notion that we have to be in these like strong
(45:44):
relations units. Yeah, and here's here's the truth. If my
situation didn't end via death, I'd still be in it deep,
you know what i mean, not even having this notion
of this and maybe if if I did it when
it came in another lesson, it just came in this one. Yeah, Well,
(46:05):
you have many lessons to teach us all on my
TED talk. What would your ted talk beyond? It would
be on death, and it would be on what what
what happens when when your earth blows up? What happens
after that? How do you what is the what do
the ashes look like? How do you pick up from ash?
(46:26):
It's like Phoenix Rising. That should be the name of
your dead talk Phoenix Rising. Yeah, Lauren Rising, Lauren Rising,
I'm telling you, Yeah, I'm into that. And I'm trying
to get a need a Baker ticket, So like those things,
I'm sure we can work out like her at the Venetian.
I need that. I need to see you know what
(46:48):
I mean that A couple of things that's on my
bucket list. I need a Baker. I'm like a Rochelle Farrell.
I need a baker, give me some well downing. I'm happy.
You're happy girl. We all want you to be a
happy girl. This give me some near to bakers. Where's
Hank happy? Thank you. It was so good and I
(47:11):
was so happy. It was yumy
Host
Angie Martinez
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