36 Hours of Hotep (Featuring Jessica Rose AKA She Really Had a Baby)

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Black Fat FELM podcast is a production of iHeartRadio
and Doctor John Paul LLC. Hey everyone, welcome to another
episode of the blackfatf FM podcast where all the intersections
of identity are celebrated. I am one of your hosts,
John also known as Doctor John Paul, and we are
not at studio, and no, your eyes are not deceiving you.

(00:21):
We have the Skinny Bitch here with us, the one
and only Jessica Roles, a Mama writer and funny as
Hell creator. I wanted to introduce them because they gonna
be getting in with us for the duration of the show,
and so I was like, I'm not going to even
wait to introduce them, But how are you, my dear.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
A wonderful introduction?

Speaker 1 (00:42):
Yes, yes, I wanted to ask both of y'all, skinny bitches.
No no, no, skinny bitches, come go to the back.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
No no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 (00:50):
Go go ahead and come forward. I just come to
the front. But with that being said, I want to
ask the both of you, how fucky is your chicken
and how loose is your goose?

Speaker 2 (01:00):
My chicken stay is pretty funky, but ain't nothing ever loose?
Oh yeah, not.

Speaker 3 (01:06):
Even yes, my chicken fresh.

Speaker 1 (01:11):
Yes, yes, I know that's right. But but how are you?
How are you? Johoah?

Speaker 3 (01:17):
You know I'm doing good?

Speaker 4 (01:18):
Love this Isshabezi joho aka Jordan actually Jordan joho. Where's
my name again? I always get who I am?

Speaker 3 (01:24):
Aka the skinniest miss to come through this smug okay.

Speaker 2 (01:27):
Until today challengers to the ring.

Speaker 4 (01:34):
Yes, okay, I am here to tell y'all though y'all
coastal so cow drivers, whoever y'all may be. I mean,
you go out to drivers at school because the time
is that I am not. I am actually not sandy
again like I like from the Bay originally were we
have weather like this regularly and people that are not
used to that type of style weather and so like

(01:56):
I was co sitting down the file doing my thing,
but people will going like forty five miles an hour,
and I said, baby, there's nothing that was nothing about
nothing but open road, like there's not listening on the
traffic here.

Speaker 3 (02:07):
We just not a car like like also to.

Speaker 4 (02:10):
Me it was it was it was like it was
like a spring at light drizzle like that scene in
Devils Product were free on the phone and.

Speaker 3 (02:16):
She was like, get me a plane. No, it's just
like that was me look happening.

Speaker 1 (02:21):
It's just just like it's just like driving like cutting down.
My god, I'm glad you made it here safely, my love,
Thank you too.

Speaker 2 (02:29):
Yeah that was me as well. I'm definitely the person
that you're behind. Honks.

Speaker 4 (02:33):
Probably I will say the bay, the bay, I never
huned because it shot.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
I don't nobody barely wait, I'll.

Speaker 3 (02:42):
Just say, you know, I'll just wait jump around and
I can.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
I saw something last night that says that Los Angeles
street paint actually is not reflective. So it's really our fault, okay, Like,
especially when it gets darker, we are genuinely happy.

Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:59):
The line around driving, I'm like, girls are late here
at all? Are We just like just tream on into
the world.

Speaker 1 (03:05):
That's why people girl let me be in issues.

Speaker 2 (03:10):
So it's like when it starts raining, all I need
is that one little room spinning and I'm like.

Speaker 4 (03:17):
Please, yeah, I say there there is this boy, I
mean like twenty two years old. He was looking years old,
driving like a fan like a Fancys Benzy with the
windows down.

Speaker 3 (03:27):
That's the baby.

Speaker 5 (03:27):
It's porn rain, right, Like what are you okay?

Speaker 3 (03:31):
You you have you have the benz a MG.

Speaker 4 (03:35):
Then it's like whoa yeah. Also, we are literally on
the window. One baby is forty mile hours on right now?

Speaker 3 (03:41):
Why are you redlying this? Well? So why is you
win to open right? Are you okay?

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Sir?

Speaker 1 (03:45):
And And the reality of that question is that no,
a lot of people are not okay. But I am
so happy that both of you have made it here safely.
And the thing is that it's supposed to rain until
like next Wednesday, so that's a big deal for us
as so cow people. But with that being said, since
it's just actually it's not us just in the kitchen

(04:07):
this week, law what, I'm like, why didn't I edit
that out? You know what's funny? I read it. I
was like, that's not just us?

Speaker 3 (04:14):
But I said, who am I a question?

Speaker 2 (04:22):
I tell that? I?

Speaker 1 (04:24):
I was like, I was like, was this.

Speaker 2 (04:28):
What am I doing?

Speaker 1 (04:29):
I would never wrong? Anyway, it's us three in the
kitchen this week is we're cooking, and I want to
start the show off in regular fashion, as you all know,
by giving our girl, Miss Tisha comb her flowers and
are still here moment? This is the moment I'm I'm
still here here everyone knows that this is our opening

(04:49):
to the show, And with that being said, I would
love to ask each of you, how have you over
time reimagined family, Like what does it mean for you
to reimagine family? I know that and the reason why
I asked this is it's kind of a two prong thing.
Like one, we're getting ready to go into the holiday,
so I know that this becomes a really big topic
for folks, and we've talked about it on the show.
I think it was maybe like around maybe episode one hundred,

(05:11):
one hundred and one or so where we were talking
about family. But if you want to go back and
listen to the episode, you can. But I know for me,
one of the things I've been thinking a lot about now,
specifically this year, is that a lot of a lot
of the family I was told is my family, quote unquote,
they were terrible people. They were just really terrible. And
that's the only way I could put it. They were

(05:32):
just really terrible people. And it was like I was
being forced into being in relationships with them, and so
a lot of us, and I'm learning as I get
older too, a lot of us don't like our family.
A lot of us are not like we choose to
keep away from them for various reasons, and a lot
of those reasons are valid. And so you know, for me,
I've learned that family isn't what we are taught growing up.
It's also not just friendship for me either, because I

(05:53):
think some people are like, oh, you're my friend, you're
my family. No, there's a difference because some of us,
some of your friends and associates too, and you just
don't know it. And so I've learned that too. But
there is this sense for me, and I've talked about
this in so many different ways. Family for me, the
way I reimagine it is who I feel safe around,
who I'm very much in the mind of whenever I
can be my like full silly, like like now look

(06:16):
at you. I mean, we've talked about this in so
many different iterations, but we went on for those of
you who are new to the show, are just listening
to the show for the first time. Me and Jordan
took a trip a couple of weeks ago, and I
think Jordan's saw me probably at one of the most
like it was one it was latest. Hell, I was
hungry and I was tired, and I like Jordan's saw
me in a way and I was like, oh shit,

(06:36):
like they're not tripping on me for the way that
I'm acting. That's family, like they knew. I was very,
very very pissed off in that moment. And so all
of that to say, like now feeling like your family,
Things move and things shift, and so I guess just overall,
I think the biggest thing for me is thinking about
even like the Jungle Book, how was it mcgwally. Was
that his name mcwally?

Speaker 2 (06:56):
He was.

Speaker 1 (07:02):
Way in the Jungle Book like the ballue and all
that was his chosen family too, you know, So I
want to be like you. But all that to be said,
I just I really think chosen family is beautiful, and
I think a lot of us are reimagining family, and
I would love to get your take on it. So, Jessica,
reimagining family.

Speaker 2 (07:19):
I feel like very early on being like kind of
disconnected from my family. Now, in like my own motherhood,
I can look back and see that my mom was
genuinely a single mom with three kids, doing the best
that she could, but there still was a level of
disconnection there. And so very early on, like teenage years,
I started doing things like going for Thanksgiving to other

(07:40):
people's houses that had absolutely no blood relation to me,
and that being like a ritual or routine because it
is that feeling of safety and who you want to
actually spend your time with. But I feel like as
I've gotten older and you know, been in a multitude
of relationships, one resulting and having a child and now
being married to another person, like the blending of like

(08:04):
just who it is that you're choosing, Like the idea
that family doesn't have to be assigned. It could literally
be something that you make a decision about. Yeah, it's
it's it's exactly what you said. It's like who do
you feel safe with and who do you choose? Like
I think a lot of times I've felt guilty about
how quickly I can be dismissive of like certain ideas
like oh, well that's your mom, that's your dad, Like no,

(08:27):
I don't give a fuck if somebody irritates me or
violates a boundary, like I will remove myself from that situation. Yeah.
Like so yeah, that's that's kind of like the premise
on how the most part, you.

Speaker 4 (08:41):
Know, I love this question, John, because I grew up
my dad. My dad was always telling me like blood
in the water and if you strobably, which I would
be like.

Speaker 3 (08:54):
So much like over and.

Speaker 4 (08:57):
I love them like the family we know your bloods
the water and like and I get right, I get
for him that he he was like he's saying family
is him is most important via blood, which I thought
was also because I did not grow up seeing his
family that much. Like like, it's really interesting because I
know my dad's has big ass family, the two hundred people,
and never saw them that up my mom's and was
like four of us, and I saw them all the

(09:18):
time all the time. I've always seen how family like
really is formed by choice, by agency, and you know,
like like in one hand, I understand, I understand, like
my my I understand like what my dad was saying
because I know that something ever happened with him in
his family, like he was always there.

Speaker 3 (09:36):
They're always there, they say.

Speaker 4 (09:39):
That, but seventy yeah, but like but like but like
like like blood just was was no longer my qualification
for a family. And and I think what I do
think is that like there is biologically with the family
that have that I do choose to be my cho
a family, right, Like yeah, like my brother, my sister
and my nieces like they like them, I choose them,

(10:01):
ask him in my life and I and I feel
so much work can't with them.

Speaker 3 (10:04):
I feel do you want? I feel safe that the
friendships where I have.

Speaker 4 (10:07):
Where I feel like safe and heard, safe, heard, but
also accountable. Like one thing I really love and I
have is that they're not they're not ready to humble
girl like yes, you know, like make a girl humble,
but also like lately yes, well yes, if I'm miss step,

(10:27):
if I missed step, they will tell me on those things,
hey girl like.

Speaker 3 (10:31):
That, like you shouldn't be doing that, you shouldn't say
that or that thing. I mean, it doesn't happen often, guys.
I promise it doesn't. I'm pretty I'm pretty good.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
But I feel like the safety, though, contributes to it
being okay for them to humble you though, because there
are people that if you don't feel safe, it's like, now,
why are you coming from me? Like you know what
I'm saying, you.

Speaker 1 (10:54):
Know you're being messy?

Speaker 3 (10:55):
Yeah, yeah, I agree, I agree.

Speaker 4 (10:58):
So yeah, I think I think I've always think about
remaging family. To me, late's always been about agency that
and also like my mom like I grew up thinking
she had five sisters, because I have five aunties, only
one of them sisters.

Speaker 3 (11:13):
I said, oh, Auntie lois Auntie mary Lynn. She's like,
oh no, there's like those are my sister's girl.

Speaker 1 (11:17):
You know, we learn nothing a lot.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
And I was like, well, me and my siblings so
different too.

Speaker 4 (11:21):
So she's like, no, that this is and I was like, okay,
So I I think I learned a lot about family
like my mom in that way for her to cultivate
so much in her life around friendships that that she's made.
But I think what's different for me is that I
think I think like my parents' friendships were preacaid more
off of transaction, and I think mine is like my
like I think also is that like like I want

(11:42):
nothing of my friends, they want nothing of me besides
just to be myself.

Speaker 3 (11:46):
And vice versa.

Speaker 4 (11:47):
Right, like I don't know, I don't need them to
do X y Z for me, and we don't have
us for help.

Speaker 3 (11:51):
I think also you can ask.

Speaker 4 (11:53):
For help from somebody and not be conditional. It is
right about safety, like emotional safety and pay safety.

Speaker 3 (11:58):
Like there's a lot of layers to it, but.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
Yeah, I know that this segment's going really long, but
I was going to say, I think one thing has
really also hit me this year. You kind of alluded
to this in the pre show when we were talking about,
you know, folks asking you to be a part of
a conversation or being connected to something because of what
you can bring. I've learned that very quickly this year
that a lot of the people that I thought were
really cool or very much I thought were my family

(12:21):
were only my family because of what they thought I
could do for them. And I think that that's been
really hard for me. I'll be transparent. That's been one
of the things. If I was in therapy, that would
be something I'd be processing through right now. It is
a feeling that I have around that.

Speaker 2 (12:33):
But yeah, difficult in LA as a creative where we
need to collaborate in ways to amplify our voices and
our stories, but it can get transactional, and I just
hate when it's masked in like this where like we're friends,

(12:55):
but then you don't show up for me in any
other category.

Speaker 3 (12:58):
You just say that from my jump. So I have
my my excitations around like some of.

Speaker 2 (13:02):
My best friends, like I've I've never done content with
you know what I mean. And it's just I think
we're just in the hub of where that is like
a thriving thing, and it's.

Speaker 4 (13:13):
Yeah, you don't put me your contact I'm like, hey,
this like ask you that you want to come.

Speaker 1 (13:25):
On the show.

Speaker 2 (13:27):
At the same time, I've been saying this phrase to
myself over and over again, even before I came here,
and it was my first time meeting with you guys.
The cost of community is inconvenient sometimes, like it's pouring
right in la you know, but like I want this connection,
like I want to be intentional, like I want to
show up. It's it's what you're asking for. Sometimes presence

(13:49):
like is a requirement of that kind of dynamic or communication,
clear communication about why why it's not happening.

Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well, I noticed right well and said, while you go
and call up the play cousins so that you can
collect that twenty dollars that they owe you. We are
going to take a quick break and come back with
more show with our guests. Guests.

Speaker 3 (14:10):
We'll be back in the second time.

Speaker 4 (14:17):
Okay, fam we are back, and this week, having the
Queen Mouth in the building, we'll get to a conversation
about what it means to be imagine parenting through a
queer lens.

Speaker 3 (14:24):
So I'd love to.

Speaker 4 (14:25):
Ask for listeners who my parents are wanting to be
parents in the future. What are some things that you
have had to do in order to actively challenge traditional
generals and personal expectations.

Speaker 3 (14:35):
For your family.

Speaker 2 (14:37):
That's a really good question. I think that you have
to give your kids a lot more credit than other
grown adults in society. There's a lot of concepts that
I feel like I was initially nervous to talk to
my daughter about that. She ended up grasping relatively quickly.

(15:00):
Like when me and my partner first got together, they're trans,
they have day then pronouns. I was like, fuck, this
is is this going to be an issue? I mean,
are our daughter now corrects people on their pronouns? You know?
And it didn't take a lot. I also have the
privilege of living in a place like Los Angeles was
just a little bit more of a melting pot, so

(15:20):
things like queerness and pronouns are literally being taught inside
of her classroom, so it's more normalized than in other areas.
But I think that you really have to be intentional
about your community. We have all kinds of people that
are in our lives. So it is a part of
her queerness, is a part of her world, her reality.

(15:42):
Because she sees the people that I'm in friendship with,
in relationship with, she's safe to ask questions. And I
think that that has really contributed to her just being
My partner always says like she's the best ally, you
know what I mean. All yeah, So it's just like
not like just giving your kids more credit. They get it.

(16:05):
They get it a lot more than people that should
get it. Yeah. Yeah, and even with the differing households, right,
because I had my daughter with a sister gendered man. Unfortunately,

(16:25):
and and unfortunately, you know, I got pregnant very young.
Literally I had a twenty sit my first twenty six
inch weave and like a huge bottle of Tennessee, and
I ended up pregnant that night. It was my birthday,
and I was just young and dumb, and I thought

(16:45):
that I could just do this thing, you know, I
got got yeah, And I just think that like I
literally matured and like start like becoming myself in motherhood.
I realized how much I did not like this person

(17:06):
that I had a child with, you know, and we
broke up when I was like six months pregnant, But
we see the world so differently, And I even thought
it was going to be difficult for my daughter to
understand my queer journey because she has a father who
can be a very stereotypical whole tip for lack of

(17:30):
a better word. But luckily he only does a thirty
six hour shift three times a month, so the impact
is a little bit less.

Speaker 3 (17:40):
I was like, other shift of ho Teppery, but.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
I was like.

Speaker 4 (17:47):
That he has a he has a lot man.

Speaker 1 (18:02):
Than half girls. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (18:04):
I just living your life as an example has been
like a great thing because even with whatever influence is
happening on the small other like end of the spectrum,
with who else she's surrounded by, like we're doing I
have to be it's literally thirty six But yeah, I

(18:25):
feel like that's that's how we can.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
I love that answer because it's not only one is
it intentional. But I think to the point we again,
we talk about it often. You know, I work with youth,
and one of the things that people say that they
love about me working and the work that I do
is that I'm so attentive to what the youth are
thinking and not what the adults are thinking. And I
tell people it's often, like you said, the youth tend

(18:48):
to be often more smart than the adults that I'm
working with. And when I say that they're more smart,
they're more aware, they're more cognitive, they ask more questions.
And so I think it's beautiful that you give And
I think this is what I wish for all you know,
black and brown babies. I wish the parent are the
parents that are listening to this and really taking this
information in. I want them to be more intentional about

(19:11):
asking their kids questions and letting them ask questions, allowing
them to be inquisitive of why does this thing look
this way or why do we have to do things
this way? Because I can guarantee you can learn so
much about yourself when you really give yourself that space
to allow the kids to ask the questions. Speaking of questions,
I would love to ask you how do you approach
conversations with your child about identity, inclusion, DEI and difference

(19:37):
And what might you say to a parent listening who
struggles with their place in that conversation or where they
may not feel as you know, knowledgeable to be able
to answer the questions their kids are asking.

Speaker 2 (19:51):
There are people that are so knowledgeable, and I think
you have to seek their resources, support them, support the
work that other people are doing, and kind of like
do the work to educate yourself because I am, by
no means like a fucking activist that's like well versed
in being able to get up there and and give

(20:13):
like a proper speech. But like, I do my very
very best to make sure that I'm like seeking out
the right information from the right people. And I think
that when it comes to like how I approach my daughter,
it's kind of like you said, like she feels she
feels more than safe to ask and say whatever the
hell she want to say, you know what I mean.

(20:34):
And because of that, we also let her explore her identity.
And I think people like freak out, like ah man,
turn the kids every which way they're eating the cats there.
But it's like I mean, sometimes like my daughter is
just like my name's Violet, cool Violet. She'll be Violet

(20:57):
for a couple of days, do you know what I mean?
And I think that we have to like give our
kids the space to explore and play. And yeah, I
really like I've taken. I'm I'm reading a book right now.
I read multiple books at the same time. I do
like my fiction in the morning, like my inspiration in
the morning, and then like my my nonfiction in the

(21:19):
morning and inspirational stuff. But there's a book I'm reading
that's literally called like just how not to Traumatize your kids? Yeah,
you know, And it's like, I'm sure we have like
our fair share of the things that we're going to
fuck up on, but just transparency, like when we make mistakes.
One of our friends is non binary and had a
child recently, and when we showed Nila the picture of

(21:42):
the baby, the first thing she said is like, oh,
what's the baby? What's the gender of the baby? You
know what I mean? And it doesn't matter whether or
not the baby was in blue or pink or anything,
because we're not imposing these you know, social constructs that
the world has taught us define, like what is a
boy or what is a girl? Like none of this

(22:04):
ship is real, right, you know what I mean? Fuck
all this ship, Fuck the concept of time, you know
what I mean? Fuck Like we're very much like abolition
is coded in our home and so yeah, you know,
Nyla knows like we fuck target, Like you know what
I'm saying, Like, we're very much like she knows that

(22:24):
you're allowed to show up and resist the things that
you want to, but also hold space for it. We
can't save everybody and everything. You know, Amazon's still coming
to the door, baby, you know what I mean. It's like,
we also don't judge people for what they do partake in.
We can only I have no judgment because I feel

(22:48):
like the mission that we're all doing here and what
I'm trying to implement in my daughter is that it's
like a collective effort and you show up how you can.
But at the baseline of it is we respect what
people want for themselves. So like in terms of queerness,
it's you just respect. You listen to what people are
telling you about themselves and accept them for like who

(23:10):
they are. Yeah, but also like if you're listening and
you like want to have kids and you're wondering, like
how am I gonna talk about this with my children?
Like my my baseline of advice is like don't have kids, Like,
not because you're.

Speaker 1 (23:25):
I saw you with that kids shirt and I was like,
you will.

Speaker 2 (23:28):
Yet, and not because you're questioning yourself. But because I
love this child so much, like she's changed my life.
But this is absolutely insane, Like the things that we're
talking about right now, I am like single handedly responsible
for the way that another fucking human being comes out
and like what you know what I mean, like what

(23:50):
it is that they show up in the world as
And that is our responsibility. But it's very hard, it's
very difficult. But she's doing she's amazing, Like she she
gets it, she understands it, she's very accepting. But it's
because we've provided an environment where she sees a little
bit of everything.

Speaker 3 (24:07):
That's real, you know. I think about that a lot.

Speaker 4 (24:09):
And they're like in my upbringing because my parents are
like we're such different people.

Speaker 3 (24:12):
There were such different people from.

Speaker 4 (24:14):
Each other ms growing up and thong a way to
like be together make it work. But also like I'm
so different than how they were when they were my
age and so different And I mean, my dad's not
gonna hear my mom.

Speaker 3 (24:24):
It's just my mom now.

Speaker 4 (24:26):
But I'm so different so many ways, and and and
there are times where I'm like, there are times where
I'm like.

Speaker 3 (24:32):
Like how, like how are you my parents?

Speaker 4 (24:34):
Because like they are responsible for teaching the child is
something and a lot of things that I have to
tell you, like I didn't learn from.

Speaker 3 (24:41):
Them always right or or you know or like or
like like I learned from.

Speaker 4 (24:44):
The shortcomings, especially I learned from from their victories and
so like like it's it's it's it's interesting, like the
sort of like responsible for right for raising this human
the world. And also like like they're like they're sorting
to learn something else that you want me to teach them,
and you I rhymes with my parents like they knew
that they knew that there's somethings that they could not
teach me, and they didn't trust that I gain those

(25:06):
tools somehow and they ye did right, but it could
have been so different or so or so bad and
and I I think this conversation really, when thinking about it,
it's like when we talk about how to become a
better better parent parent in the future.

Speaker 3 (25:19):
Right, Really the big through line is being more vulnerable
with a child, which my parents are.

Speaker 4 (25:24):
Defitely not with me. They're not vulnerable whatsoever. And I
like leave with vulnerability. And I think I'm curious to
ask you a bit like like a two part question.
One one one one because well because I'm I sell
the video of you brushing now it's hair and I
and I like, I think that was a great like
a great admistration. What looks like to be vulnerable is
when I right. And so I'm curiously when does vulnerability

(25:46):
look like for you and your family and how does
it work? But I'm also curious knowing that you are
raising a child like public publicly, like how do you
manage that? And like like like her like safety right
and people see in the street do they outlet they
know her ready?

Speaker 3 (26:00):
Like how do you manage that as well? Too?

Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah, so vulnerability. I'm a very emotional person. So I've
actually been doing a lot of work since being in
partnership now with vulnerability, not meaning emotionally over sharing with
my child. Before I met my partner and I had help.

(26:22):
Before I had help, me and my daughter were stuck
in a cycle of parentification, which I've done a lot
of work around, and that we've been doing a lot
of work on healing from, particularly around the time that
I decided to impulsively sell everything that I own on
Facebook marketplace and move to Costa Rica with her, And
so I was it was just me and her in

(26:44):
another country and I was mentally unstable. I got out
there and realized that I could not, in fact live
like a fucking Costa Rican prison. So because of that.

Speaker 1 (26:56):
I'm so sorry. Yeah, which I.

Speaker 2 (26:59):
Met living was, you know, not the eight hundred dollars
a month shack that had the geckos all over the ceiling.
That I was like, give me the fuck out. And yeah,
I'm also on a journey of sobriety. Next month I'll
be celebrating three years sober. But well, thank you. I
was in like my first or like my first year
of like sobriety too, So just being with my child

(27:21):
all the time and not really having like grandma or
even baby Daddy for twenty four hours like it put
it put a huge toll, and we got stuck in
that parentification cycle. So now vulnerability is letting you know, hey,
I'm not having a good day, but like mommy's feelings
are not your responsibility, so like I just need some

(27:42):
time to myself right now, or like sharing like the
highs and the lows of things, but making sure that
I'm doing that in a way that's very intentional about
just not making it her responsibility to fix, you know,
because it is my job to comfort her and reassure,
but it also is my job to like prepare her
for emotional stuff. So one of the things that we

(28:03):
have is basically we pay this child to behave We
have this like board, right, and you can accumulate points
on it based off of a bunch of different buckets
of things, a variance of like chores, whether it's around
the house, in your room, or hygiene. But one of
the bigger categories is healthy communication. And we have like

(28:26):
five or six different phrases that are in that bucket.
So if she gets upset, if she says, I felt
really frustrated when you did this or when this happened,
I felt like that basically just prompting her to like
clearly and effectively feel safe to tell us that the
things that we're doing like don't make her feel good

(28:46):
for whatever reason, or that she's upset or even when
she's happy. She gets rewarded for that in a way
and she can either catch the points out or she
can do it yesterday, which yeah, But basically we just
like model the fact that you are allowed to have
emotions and they're going to be up and down, and

(29:06):
we all give each other the space to do that.
We have house rules. You can always say no, you
know what I mean. You can always ask for help,
eat whatever you want. Nobody's gonna talk to you about it.
You know. Everything in this house is for everyone. And
I think that's a huge part of just like the
emotional vulnerability, Like she knows that we have been through things,

(29:29):
but like she also feels safe to say how she
feels about it. You know, Like we also have her
in therapy. Everybody in house in therapy, you know what
I'm saying. Yeah, we have her in something called play therapy,
which is really cool.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:45):
Yeah, So we just make sure that even though we're
doing all that work that if there is stuff that
you're still not for whatever reason, feeling like you could
talk to us about, you have someone there doing it.
And it is hard because like all of that going
on and I'm still like, fuck, I hope I'm doing
a decent job. There's gonna be something she to heal from,
you know what I mean, Like we're all human beings.
When it comes to the internet, I think that living

(30:07):
my life on the internet and like having my child
and like sharing our lives where are no means like
at like a scale of like millions of followers on YouTube,
like daily vlogging the intricacies of our life as NILA's
been growing. Though, there are certain things that I'm just
you know, I'm not gonna be the mom, like making
like a period care kit cart for her on the internet.

(30:30):
I want to like protect like at the very least
her safe spaces, you know what I mean That maybe
as she gets older, she may be embarrassed for whatever
reason are on there, But there are also aspects that
are my story to tell, and I think that she
gets older, like maybe she will be kind of irritated
that like I sell baby daddy tears cups and have

(30:52):
said fuck her daddy a couple times online, But like
you also get to separate your relationship with your father
from like my experience with him, and like my story
is still mine to tell, even my experience in motherhood,
and I try to like respect certain boundaries. People have
done weird shit, for sure, not intentionally, but it is,

(31:13):
but it is a weird feeling. I think she's told me,
you know that people have come up to us, But
she also is very very good at ignoring the fuck
out of people, Like because of the boundaries that I've
allowed her to, like even set with me, she set
them with people. Like there have been people that I've
came up and been like, oh my god, can we
take a picture? And I was like no, and I'm

(31:34):
like cool. I was like, now that doesn't want to
take the picture, I'm gonna take a picture with you.
And they're like that's fine, you know. And I feel
like that's kind of a part of her like storyline
is kind of just being like I don't talk about yeah,
but that that came from us implementing that. Like I
had to check myself because we took this girl trick
or treating all night and I was like, can I
have some mere canty? As She's like no, And I'm

(31:56):
like I just motherfucking walked around with you all night
and I saying no. But I had to check myself,
like you're allowed to say no. And because of that,
she has strong y has stronger boundaries. I try to
ask her if I think something like looks a certain
type of way, I'll ask her if she's comfortable with
me sharing it. And I know that that's a nuanced
conversation because what is consent at a certain age, you

(32:18):
know what I mean. But also, I'm not gonna live
in fear. There's a lot of like fear mongering online.
And yes, I think people do weird things with people
that share their children online, the same way they do
weird things with anything that's shown online. And I'm not
going to let the idea of something like pedophile stop me.

(32:39):
I'm not gonna not live my life. There's terrorists in
the world. We're not gonna not fly. I feel this.
This is the very same way I mean when it
comes to like where she's at. We're very intentional about that,
you know what I mean. We don't do sleepovers, we
don't do certain stuff. But I can't control the world.
I can only do what I need to do to
survive in it, and a part of that is sharing

(33:00):
our life online. And she's a very small part of
my content. I mean, no means like you know, dance
mom and her with her own career online. But yeah,
she very much has to say in it. And she
also very much be having a rate for a lot.

Speaker 1 (33:18):
Of the things. I was gonna say. We live in California,
Yeah we got to. You got to make sure you
pay you got to pay, so I know that's right,
her rate is, but no, I was what their rate is.
I said, so what the rate is and what they're
what's on a rider. I'm gonna need it. I'm gonna

(33:45):
need a copy of that. But I was gonna say,
I think I think you've done such a beautiful job
with talking about and this is the thing that I
think you know again, and this is why I ultimately,
when I was thinking about what could we have conversations about,
I think you've done a very big, full job. And
you said when you were talking about how do I
not you know, mess my child up, You've done a

(34:05):
very good job of allowing your child to have a
human experience. And I think so many parents, especially queer parents,
queer parents and not are very much in the mind of, well,
this is how I was raised. So I'm a raised
you and it's like, well you were raised with beatings, okay,
you know what I mean, Like, no shade, I'm just saying, like,
I don't believe you're not well. You're not well. You

(34:27):
know you're not well, And so I think it is
a beautiful conversation for us to have. You know, we
talk about everything across the board. But I think when
we talk about parenting, we talk about even you know,
for me, right, Like, there are things you know, I'd
posted this years ago, but my nephew is now seven,
and my nephew will call me out of the blue
for things and there will be responses I'll immediately want
to go to and then I'll go, that's a trauma response.

(34:48):
Don't do that, you know, be cautious, be careful, you know,
with Grayson, because you don't want Grayson having the experience
you had with your uncle.

Speaker 4 (34:56):
Right.

Speaker 1 (34:56):
And So I'm thinking about like we're all working collect
to try to end like and I hate that it's us, right,
I hate that it's us that has to like break
these chains per se around all of the emotional, you know,
mess that we all carry. But I think it's beautiful
that you're allowing your child to have such a human experience.
I'm gonna I'm gonna asks this question to you. I'd

(35:18):
love to kind of end this convo with the advice
you would give or that you would offer to a
parent around starting their own journey and reimagining what their
family may look like like maybe in their mind, because
I think that's the biggest thing for me. I have
said one, it's not that I don't like children. I
know the responsibility that comes with children, and I don't
want it. That's literally what's keeping me from ever having children.

(35:40):
I just don't want that responsibility. Kind of to what
you said, it's a lot of responsibility to be raising
a whole ass person. But I also think that there
are people who are scared, like you said, that if
they have kids, they're gonna fuck them up. And I
know that they're people out there that are saying I
want to have children, but I just don't know how
to do my own work to be a good parent.
And so I'd love to know your advice to anyone

(36:02):
who might be reimagining what family or what children, having
children means, how they can learn some of the harmful
shit that they may have taken in and maybe thinking
about like what does it mean for them to show
up as a as a quote unquote good parent if
that makes sense.

Speaker 2 (36:18):
Wow, Yeah, that is that's some deep shit.

Speaker 1 (36:24):
Right, Yeah, come to the right children. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
I I'm actually one of the reasons that I don't
want to have any more kids is because there is
a part of me that feels like if I had
another child, I would feel guilty that that kid would
get a better version of me than Nila did.

Speaker 1 (36:45):
I've heard this. Okay, I've heard this, and yes.

Speaker 2 (36:48):
I say that because I think that people that continue
to have kids, I think that is a universal feeling.
But it's because you there, there literally is no blueprint,
like you're first round. It's kind of like you are.
There's no blueprint, you know, And I think there are

(37:08):
ways you can be more intentional. I didn't have the
luxury of intentionally having a child and doing things more
like on a foundation of a certain bunch of morals
or whatever, or shared beliefs and values. Like I was
literally just raw dogging it, you know what I'm saying,
and trying to figure out, and I was trying to

(37:35):
figure out who I was. I'm just now like, Okay,
I think I have a grip on who I am,
and I have someone that's about to be twelve that
I'm supposed to have been implementing things in the entire time.
So I think a couple of I guess less pessimistic
views on this, right, try your very best to like

(37:56):
have a good grip on who you are as a person,
and as long as you have that, you'll at least
have some kind of like foundation of like how you
want to move and what you want to implement and
what it is that you want to teach. I think
there's also a level of acceptance about the fact that

(38:16):
you are going to fuck things up will But I
am extremely apologetic, you know, in more ways than I
have ever received with any adult in my own life.
Growing up, you have to be willing to apologize because
you're not going to be able to be perfect. So
I think that being able to let go of your ego,

(38:38):
let go of the idea that because you're the parent,
you're the adult, that you're always right. You'll also teach
your kids empathy and giving grace and forgiveness to and
those are all really really important things. And yeah, like
family doesn't have to look a very specific way, you know.
I did some social media strategy and management work or

(39:00):
my friend Mia Cooley who has a company called parent
Exod and it's all about queer family planning, and we
did some conferences a couple of years ago, and the
different kinds of family dynamics that exist are just out
of this world. I mean, you have people that have

(39:21):
known donors, that have meetups of siblings and like, just
like you know, you have to really be intentional about
community because we need more people. Like my life has
gotten better, my mothering has gotten better the more people
that I've allowed to become and accept as family. And

(39:43):
if you can like shift your mind out of it
being having to look a certain kind of way, you'll
just have even more support, you know, Just like you said,
like you thought all autumn women was your mom's biological
you know what I mean, And they weren't. Yeah, and
so and you kind of have to have that, you know,
because we need that support for ourselves mentally, but also

(40:06):
for our kids to to see us not just love
but be love too, Because this is a whole new
era for even Nyla, Like she gets to watch somebody
love me and like that's a whole new level of
like healing for myself and her too. But yeah, nothing
is concrete, Like you cannot plan. You can, you can plan,

(40:27):
but it's gonna just keep throwing curveballs and it just
gets different every age, every level. Yeah it can be
a beautiful thing. Yeah, it could be a beautiful thing.

Speaker 3 (40:37):
I vibe.

Speaker 1 (40:38):
So I'm trying to get over a cult, and I'm fine, Yeah,
I don't want to make but I'm trying to get
so getting over it. I'm in the last stages of it,
and so my voice has been raspy. So sorry for
all of those of you who are listening to hear me.
Keep clear my throat. I'm sorry, but I was gonna
say I vibe so much with this because my mom.
You know, I have a very beautiful relationship with my

(41:00):
mother now, and it took us. I hate that it
took us almost forty years to get to this place,
but I mean, I don't think we were ever in
a bad place. I want to make that very clear,
but I think I just have such a very warm
relationship with my mother. Doesn't feel as hard as it
used to. And it used to feel like I was
constantly pushing up against the wall, and it felt like

(41:20):
I was, like you said, my mom parentified is the wow.
She did that to me because I was the oldest
and she was a single parent, and so I started
to see my mom as almost like a sister or
someone I was watching over. And now I don't feel
that way with her. My mom will call me and
say how are you Are you okay? You know, and
so it feels a lot easier. But I say all

(41:41):
of this to say, you know, my mom, the reason
why I'm sharing this is my mom for years apologized,
you know, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I
did those things and I'm so sorry, and it's like, Mom,
it's okay, it's cool to mess up, you know. But
I also had to learn on my end that I
had to give my mom that grace. And I think
that's the other thing I want to say to our
listeners that, you know, I think there's this expectation that

(42:05):
the children come out and that we automatically become great uncles, aunties, parents,
whatever the case. Maybe however, we guardians, whatever we and
it's just it's it's very much kind of like a job.
When you take on the job. You may have the skills,
but you don't know what you're doing. You rarely ever
know what you're doing. Hell, when we started this podcast,
we didn't know what the hell what we're doing. I
think we've got it now now that we've won a

(42:26):
four awards, But what I'm saying is I definitely want to,
you know, say this to those who are listening. If
you are a parent, you're doing the best that you can.
If you're thinking about becoming a parent, do the work
that you need to do to become a good parent.
And if you're like me and you say I don't
want to have no kids, that's okay too, That is okay.

(42:46):
Get your cat, get your dog, get you a bunny,
get you a get go. Like you said, like, whatever
the case may be, do what you gotta do. But ultimately,
I think it's important for all of us to be
doing our own work. So I love that.

Speaker 3 (42:58):
I love this.

Speaker 4 (43:00):
I just want to say, I know i've and I
know we've just met the first time in life today.
For hearing you speak like you are, You're inspired me
for how I want to be a parent, like believe
to he that, Like I'm so serious, especially because like
I grew up parentified as well too as a kid,
and I think right like in some ways it makes

(43:22):
me a caretaker, but that's been a trauma responds and
like hearing like hearing how you like like like like
choose to nurture but not not not not the lens
of like not the lens of the trauma caretaking, but
like nurturing because you want to give that love. It's
really special to hear so like like if if I
have kids in the world, like I definitely.

Speaker 3 (43:41):
You're so yeah the love I want a parent. How
your parents think you so much? I really, really truly
mean that.

Speaker 2 (43:54):
I appreciate that so much.

Speaker 4 (43:56):
Now that I called my mom to make her pay
for make her tone for her sins on.

Speaker 1 (44:02):
On the live audio with me.

Speaker 4 (44:07):
She would she would a little bit like I'm sorry
about Mom, and I'd be like, hang up the vote, okay, and.

Speaker 3 (44:16):
Yeah, okay, I mean you know I love you.

Speaker 1 (44:20):
I just had We love Tobora, we love and we
around these parts, but we gotta.

Speaker 4 (44:24):
Take another break and we come back to be more
with our girl. Now, what's popping a second?

Speaker 1 (44:33):
All right, y'all, so shift the gears a little bit
for this week's What's Possible. We are jumping into just
just some mess, some good old pop culture mess, and
I love that you're here to jump into this mess
with us. That being said, and you know, I was
scouring the interwebs this weekend was going there's really not
much that's going on outside of our president doing things

(44:56):
with Bubba that he shouldn't be doing. But all that
to be said, one of the things that I did
see and I was like, oh, this would be interesting.
So we know that miss I'm gonna I'm gonna say
her name backwards so that way her stands don't come
after us. Micky Nanaj, Yeah, Mickey Nanaj over the last

(45:17):
few weeks has shared that she supports the man who
was doing things on that island with one of our
old presidents, and it got me to thinking, you know,
I don't want to spend a lot of time talking
about her, but I did want to say it gives
me a got me thinking, like, what what is it
about a certain level of like fame or celebrity, because

(45:41):
we saw this happen with Rodney Jerkins, right when all
of this stuff happened with that man that I also
don't say the name of, and he came out as
Maga and we were like, oh my god, like like
what like? So, so I guess that that's the what's
popping question of the week is like what is it
that makes you in your opinion and why do you
feel like black folks like to take the side of

(46:05):
of the folks who are doing the harm, especially when
they know and again. And we all know that Mickey
is not in her best head, right, we know she
will we all we all know that something.

Speaker 2 (46:16):
You know, not me scared, I get it, I said,
it's not talking about that.

Speaker 1 (46:23):
I'm like, I just kidding. We all know that she
is one short of all out there. But I just
it is a general question of like, we're seeing that's happening, right,
We're seeing. So that's what I said. I'm trying to
stay away from the fandom. I'm trying to tweeting you.

(46:47):
She used to follow me. Actually really yea her tweet
you get out of here. But no, I put that
was that was what was on my mind. As I
was putting this segment together, I was like, what is it.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
Okay, here's what I will say about not just black people,
but I feel like wealthy people.

Speaker 1 (47:12):
Okay, okay, Yes.

Speaker 2 (47:13):
There's something about the idea of collective illusion. I think
that a lot of people don't know what they actually believe.
They're usually just mirroring what's around me. And I think
that with a lot of wealthy people, they are very
easily distracted by the idea that they will be prioritized

(47:37):
in some kind of a way and so I think
that maybe has maybe Micky has. Maybe Micky has just
people around her that our supporters, and that's just what's

(48:02):
being I don't know, like it just it doesn't make anything.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
We know her partner is also problematic in a lot
of facets, so that tells me a lot. But like
I said, when you see celebrities, like there have been
other names of celebrities where I've learned that they were
MAGA supporters and I was like, what the hell, like
like yeah.

Speaker 2 (48:21):
You know yeah, so like and sometimes I'm like, is
a check clearing on the back ends? There got to
be a check you know what I mean? Yeah, it's
like I feel like a celebrity going magas the equivalent
of like seeing commercial you know what?

Speaker 1 (48:44):
You know what? So I'm I'm probably gonna catch he
for this. But it was like, what's her name doing
that insurance commercial?

Speaker 2 (48:50):
And the insurance too.

Speaker 1 (48:52):
It was the girl who used to be and uh,
she used to be on Ray's Anatomy. She was like
the star of Raised Anatomy Me Captain Heigel, That's who
it was. I saw Catherine insurance commercial and that's said,
my god, how the mighty have talking.

Speaker 2 (49:09):
About a brand I'm talking about we're watching television and
you're here.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
Oh my god, the fault.

Speaker 4 (49:19):
Ever I see something like doing a cameo, My first
thaw is damn girls.

Speaker 3 (49:24):
Yeah forever. Maybe some pell enjoy them. It cannot be mean.

Speaker 2 (49:29):
I think that people that you got to have like
a mega fandom.

Speaker 3 (49:33):
Yeah yeah, clearing a real check.

Speaker 1 (49:36):
Okay, I'm like, do you think giving ameo? I thought
so like him, like him.

Speaker 3 (49:46):
Movie in a movie or.

Speaker 1 (49:51):
You can't tell the Yeah.

Speaker 2 (49:54):
People look you up. And I mean I'm super judy too,
Like I'll see how many of you you go. I'm like,
so you don't hear you've done fifty yeah, I mean
for fifteen dollars.

Speaker 3 (50:05):
As you can do it myself.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
Yeah yeah, but so okay, So.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
What I will say. Someone that I saw utilized cameo
in a really funny way was keV on stage.

Speaker 1 (50:21):
Yes, yeah, and like he.

Speaker 2 (50:23):
Went on and like paid a bunch of people to
promote his tour, Like like that is funny that.

Speaker 1 (50:28):
I'm very smart, smart, very intuitive.

Speaker 3 (50:30):
Yes, listen, you need to check and I needed.

Speaker 1 (50:33):
And there's some there are some celebrities who use it
to I don't know who was I think it's what's
his name, Mark McGrath. He he specifically uses his cameo
to break news to other people, so like if it's
like a baby birth, if you were like, for instance,
he's he's very intentional that it's not just like a hey,
I'm Mark McGrath kind of deal. It's like a hey,
I'm Mark McGrath here to tell you something. So that
that's fine to me. But yeah, when I'm looking around, Yeah,

(50:54):
cameo definitely is a recession indicator. But yeah, well.

Speaker 2 (51:00):
Like what are you doing on your little job?

Speaker 4 (51:03):
I'm saying, I'm just yeah, okay, so so one, okay,
So I to say it, but this conversation.

Speaker 3 (51:10):
Like I feel like I hate to say it.

Speaker 4 (51:13):
I'm gonna sound dumb, but like I really feel like
this conversation, like we have to have this in the
same one we had, like the Beyones conversation a few
weeks ago. Yeah, we're like yeah, it's like like and
like I know, like I know, I know, it's not
the same like not the same thing.

Speaker 1 (51:27):
Like, well, you didn't care about that conversation in general.
I mean I said I don't care, I know and
and did and still don't.

Speaker 3 (51:33):
Because because I'm because because I think.

Speaker 4 (51:37):
Because I'm just like I don't allow on celebrity to
do anything for me that part, right, But I didn't.
I think that there is a question of like right
like people are like, you know, people are like working
to like you need to like cancel her, cancel Mickey
and and they're like, you know, like I'm okay, Like
so like do we do we not rap her songs?

Speaker 3 (51:54):
Like do we do we debarbi fi? How do we debarbify?
And such?

Speaker 4 (51:59):
You know, and and and and so like I think
there is a question there is a question of like.

Speaker 6 (52:03):
Like what like like how do you like like what
like is there a level of acceptability where like you
don't you don't have to divorce something from someone or
or or.

Speaker 4 (52:14):
Like what like like what what is the line? But
I think for me, like I I really think like
we are I'm a question to people is like why
are we so surprised this is happening? Like why are
we surprised at water as well? Why are we surprised?
To your point that rich that rich and famous people
are out of touch and they allot they align with
folks who only have self interest, right like like like

(52:36):
I you know, I mean I think we like so
many of so many folks that that we have seen
that we have like you know, a lotted like like
Oprah and Gale going.

Speaker 1 (52:46):
To like but like truly like they they really are surprised.

Speaker 3 (52:53):
Why are you surprised?

Speaker 4 (52:53):
And also like they really had nothing to lose, like
listen at the end of the day, Mickey, Oprah, Gail,
they like they even if we as people are like
fuck you, they're still getting that track. They're still like,
you know, so I am not I'm not surprised. I'm
sad and and I think like in the countries that Mickey,
I'm sad that her response to her fandom saying like

(53:17):
why are you doing that's right trying to hold a
campbell and she and then then and then she respects,
which I will like she like her take was so
bad on some many levels because one, I'm go get
this just going and going on her takes.

Speaker 3 (53:26):
Her take was.

Speaker 4 (53:27):
About I'm probably happy we live in a country where
people can worship God.

Speaker 3 (53:30):
So really, girl, let's me and this country is built
off Christianity.

Speaker 4 (53:33):
It's like, what do you mean, like you you're you're
you're acting like this wasn't the country that we had
in the first place, act like okay, because because you're wrong, Nicky,
we don't have the privilege of worship if you want
to because we have a zamophobia.

Speaker 3 (53:47):
And she said, does you're actually wrong girl?

Speaker 1 (53:51):
So what do you mean by that? Know?

Speaker 4 (53:53):
So so it's it's it's like like like I'm like,
I'm not surprised, but I think to your question, right,
I think I mean, and I want to be clearly
I don't.

Speaker 3 (54:00):
I don't.

Speaker 4 (54:00):
I don't think it just happens about communities. But I
think as a white community, it feels different and challenging
and hard because we know that we are that that
like that that we we are one of, if not
the most like oppressed group of people. And yet we
and yet people who people in our in our identity
scope still choose to align themselves with like white supremacy, right,

(54:23):
allow themselves with people who are only loved by self interest.
And I think, like, yes, the like the the the
root cause, the root cause is not is not just
because not just like like the like not just black
folks are to the root cause. But it's hard. It's
hard seeing us as people who also perpetuate those symptoms.

(54:45):
That makes me really re lea sad and I wish
like I wish there was a way out of it.
I wish like, but I also wish I wasn't surprised.
And every day I'm like, and then were you gonna
say something?

Speaker 2 (54:56):
No, I was just gonna say, like, I also am
not like a super I don't look at anyone as
like someone that I would like gravel or like freak
out around. Like I'm not in any particular fandom. There's
people that I'd be like, oh ship, you know what
I mean?

Speaker 1 (55:11):
Yeah, but I'm shocked.

Speaker 2 (55:14):
It's also categories of like who you are as a person,
Like I was personally more disappointed at Snoop Dogg performing
you know what I mean than like this from from
Mickey and I love her music. I think that it's
also just like it's like, what are your morals and values?

(55:35):
I'm not skipping any Mickey songs, but like, I am
incredibly uncomfortable when r Kelly's playing like and I will like,
you know, I think we get to make our choices.
I think the line is a personal relationship. If I
maybe if I was in the fandom, if I was
a bar, I would cancel it. You know, but like

(55:59):
it's just like, what is your personal attachment to something?

Speaker 1 (56:02):
Yeah, And I think for me, the biggest thing, the
thing that I've been wanting to kind of say slash
I've been processing too. I think for me, it's just
it's frustrating that people who excuse me and I say
this as somebody who wishes they had a bigger platform
to do better, like to do good work, like I
wish that's part of the thing I've always wanted. When

(56:23):
you know, for me, it's never been about fame. It's
been about if I could leverage two three four million
followers to tell black queer people that they have the
right to live and have a good life. I'm doing
what I feel like in my life I've been called
to do. And so to see someone with that platform
do what they're doing, you know what I mean. That's
that's the thing that.

Speaker 4 (56:44):
Seeing someone act in a way that maybe to us
feels irresponsible. Yeah, and and like in like an outly
harmful like that to me is like when you when
you base yourself in your work off of being public
in this way and then you choose to as being harmful.
But it's but it's also hard because like like in
the day, I M hmm.

Speaker 1 (57:04):
But she's not.

Speaker 2 (57:04):
But she's also make a certain amount of money off
of your platform. You have a responsibility to let people
know where you stand. So in certain ways people do
live up to that.

Speaker 4 (57:14):
You don't know where you say, you know what I believe,
she believes.

Speaker 2 (57:20):
Honestly, someone communicate that, and then you have no idea.

Speaker 4 (57:23):
Because not like now I know, I know, and now
I know, and I'm like work girls, so like you know, like, yes,
maybe I won't stop the songs on radio, string or anything,
but I won't.

Speaker 3 (57:34):
I won't go to the concert.

Speaker 4 (57:36):
I won't be like I like new album, won't, won't stream.

Speaker 2 (57:39):
That everyone has a personal relationship to. Like I'm definitely
not going to necessarily skip a Chris Brown song, but
I was cringing at everyone in LA going to Chris Brown.

Speaker 1 (57:50):
Contra I feel about crash bandicoot and I know how
I feel about crash.

Speaker 2 (57:56):
Pando whatever their line.

Speaker 4 (58:00):
Yeah, And I also do think, I also do think
like we as people like we like, we like we
as consumers and we as the one we as the
ones that like are most impact impacted by it. I personally,
like I say earlier, like I don't want to spend
my energy like like judging others for it either because
like because they're like I I know, I know that
the work I'm doing for myself is about helping folks

(58:23):
achieve the liberation and like and me judging, judging, you know,
boobleful to do x y Z, like it is not
really gonna bring me joy or like like or make
or make my work matter more matter and such. So
it's like it's a it's a it's a really big war.

Speaker 3 (58:40):
Of like war.

Speaker 1 (58:41):
Yeah, it is a tug of war. And so I
just I just like I said, I was perusing, and
I was like, what could be a good conversation or
something of substance, And I'm I know, I've seen so
many people mentioning her and so many facets. I was like, Okay,
maybe we do need to say something about this, and.

Speaker 4 (58:57):
So yeah, it's about that Mickey stop being dumb like
like but also and Barbers like stop like like stop
putting her on a pestle. I was like, I mean, nobody,
nobody rich in my in, my in my belief should
ever be on pestal like like if I become a
most millionaire tomorrow I want people to decenter me.

Speaker 3 (59:17):
I wanted to be like, no.

Speaker 4 (59:18):
Girl live, I love you, but I pray use your
use your money and money in the right way. But
from you, you are. You are not welcome to the
to the to the conversation.

Speaker 1 (59:28):
That was a thousand are I would like, I just
want people to sit to be because I'm trying to
do some good work. That's all I want to do.
I just actually donated to a couple of things today
that I felt really good about it, and I was like, yo,
that's that's why I do what I do to make
sure that my girls can eat too. But all that
to be said, all that to be said now that
I've got that off of my chest and I've had

(59:49):
to unlearn the worst to super Base, I know every
single word in that damn song. I hate that I do.

Speaker 2 (59:55):
The most problematic thing with my Mickey song selection is
my favorite one is where she says that all I
do is win remix oh and I this doesn't make
me seem very abolitionoust anymore, but she literally says, ask
the iris, bitch, I'm paying for your health care. You're
never gonna make me like not like that's.

Speaker 1 (01:00:17):
Yeah, yeah, she has some bar.

Speaker 2 (01:00:21):
The concept of shipping on someone because their taxes are
giving you free health. Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:00:26):
Crazy.

Speaker 2 (01:00:28):
Also she's mag.

Speaker 1 (01:00:34):
Always surprised.

Speaker 3 (01:00:38):
Remix pudding.

Speaker 4 (01:00:39):
Okay, have you seen episode Elementary where they where they
make a dance to juvenile Yes in six months time,
random Randy, I'm gonna do it to you and see
see if you see if all the words.

Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
I still know this one the top down eight sees
the coolt when you go up to the club be
raised it up. I know every single word to that
song and I don't. It's one of those songs too
that I don't know how I know all the works Jesus,
because I literally didn't sit and study it. It was like,
I guess I had heard it so many times and

(01:01:12):
I just like know it and it's weird. But anyway, yes,
I do know every single word. So I'm gonna work
on unlearning that. We're gonna take a quick break and
come back more with our guest Ma'ams and our no
man PAMs back in a second Jesus Christ. All right, y'all.
So with that being said, we have hit the saddest

(01:01:35):
part of the show. This is the part where we
know the show is getting ready to come to an end.
But before we let you go, we're gonna get into
our guest ma'ms and our no man PAMs. This is
normally where we get into conversations about the things that
we want to uplift or ultimately the brick we want
to throw at people. So with that being said, I'm
gonna go ahead and start. Jessica will come to you,
and then we'll close out with our good sister Joho

(01:01:56):
this week. So I'm actually gonna, excuse me, I'm gonna
switch it up a little bit because I had an
original yes, ma'am, but I am gonna change it because
I was listening to something on the way up here
and it had and I was like, you know what,
I'm gonna say, yes, ma'am that shout out to the
dolls who broke into the loof and stole all of
them jewels. Shut out to them. I love a good scam,

(01:02:19):
I love a heist. And let's talk about how them
niggas got in there and stole a shit in eight minutes.
They literally started the heightst at nine thirty am and
got out of there at nine thirty eight. That's precision.
That is precision. Did I want to celebrate that, Like

(01:02:39):
I said.

Speaker 4 (01:02:40):
When I wasn't even them niggas institution.

Speaker 1 (01:02:44):
So the story goes, they had like a little They
basically went to a side of the loop that they
knew didn't have security. They literally went in through a
window that they cut out with a glass cutter, went
in through the window, literally threatened the guard that they
saw with the glass cutter, took the jewels, and got
up out of there. I said, eight minutes. That's that, Like,

(01:03:07):
that's got we got to celebrate that. Now I'm just celebrating.
I'm not celebrating fever.

Speaker 2 (01:03:12):
It's inspirational, you know what I'm saying, Right, we all
have eight minutes? What can we do with that?

Speaker 3 (01:03:19):
Part?

Speaker 4 (01:03:20):
Because now I'll be like, listen, if they can do
at minutes, I can do this, what can you do
with Okay?

Speaker 1 (01:03:28):
That is so for me. I just was like, that
is that's inspirational. The niggas got it. There is still
all that jewelry in eight minutes. You can't you can't,
you can't be mad.

Speaker 3 (01:03:38):
The mastery of it all.

Speaker 1 (01:03:39):
Yeah, it literally makes it so Like I said, you
all know I love a good scam, and so it
just it made me very I don't do scams. I
just want to make that very clear that I am
not a scammer.

Speaker 2 (01:03:50):
But I do chase bank tapping hello, but.

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
No, genuinely am not a scammer. I will say everything
I own I've worked for. However, I do. I love
when systems get got, and I specifically love that the
Louver got got because all that ship there anyways, stuff
that they stole, they stole a lot of that stuff
in that museum anyway, So it makes me very happy
to know it's it's really just.

Speaker 4 (01:04:20):
Redistribution yahlishing framework.

Speaker 1 (01:04:26):
Yes, yes, they took they were supposed to take eight jewels,
but they only got seven because they dropped one. So
I just want to say shout out to the for
making out two of them got arrested. I don't know
if there was more people involved, but for those who
are out here who may hear this, shout out to
you for doing what you need to doing what you
need to do. I guess my nomn pam for this week.
I I there are other things that I've been thinking about,

(01:04:48):
and I'm like, I still want to say so, I'm
trying not to come off as salty. I'm not gonna say,
I'll tell y'all offline who I'm talking about. But I'm
just I'm still a little irritating that I feel like
there's so many dope black queer people doing really cool
shit in this moment and they're not getting the I

(01:05:10):
want to save the platform, but they're they're not getting
the support, like I'm seeing them say, I'm struggling in
this way. I don't have money, I can't pay my bills.
They're having to like turn to GoFundMe, And it's frustrating
to me because I'm not seeing the same and we
know why, we know why, but I'm seeing I'm not
seeing white folks, specifically white creators or other raced creators

(01:05:33):
struggling the ways that I'm seeing other black queer creators struggle.
And it just it's it's a little frustrating to me.
So I just I wish, I wish we could I wish.
And again, I know entertainment, I know media, we know
what it is, we know what what's happening. It's just
it's very frustrating to me, and I just wish that
they could do I wish folks would just do better.
But so that's my Noman Pam this week is to

(01:05:55):
queer media. I really hope and wish we could do better.
So what are your yes ma'am answer this week?

Speaker 2 (01:06:01):
Yeah, so I'll get a little less revolutionary because my
yes ma'am has to do with Love Island.

Speaker 1 (01:06:08):
Okay, are you watching it?

Speaker 2 (01:06:10):
It's our challenge? No, I'm not watching challenge. This is
like the last summer season. But my yes ma'am is
to Hood a Beauty canceling the contract.

Speaker 1 (01:06:20):
With I saw that. Now. My question is is she's
standing on business?

Speaker 2 (01:06:26):
No, she didn't create it. I think that what Hood
of Beauty did was they saw the virality and the
millions of followers out of it and would have had
the same name, and so they made that partner.

Speaker 1 (01:06:36):
It was a partnership, Okay, I thought. I thought it
was a men's workhouse situation where they were like, you
created this, but we gonna go a hand.

Speaker 2 (01:06:46):
Yeah, okay, open around for a while and they just
did a partnership and a lot of the promo was
around the main woman who I think owns it as
a CEO, found or whatever, and Hood of doing that.
But yeah, I think that again, when you have a
play form, you have a responsibility. I do not believe
that this woman is inherently racist in any way, but

(01:07:08):
I feel like she has a responsibility to correct stuff.
And you have visibility. And babe, use one of the
brand deal checks for some media training. You don't laugh
on live about some.

Speaker 1 (01:07:18):
Shit like that? Are you about to giggle a lot
of your checks away?

Speaker 2 (01:07:22):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:07:23):
That was pretty her checks away?

Speaker 2 (01:07:27):
Yeah, and I guess my my, no, ma'am, is just
like a general concept. I'm really tired of net thirty
sixty ninety. I'm just tired of major corporations that I
have money sitting in the bank just taking months to pay.
I'm tired of begging people to fulfill in voices.

Speaker 1 (01:07:47):
I need you to get out of my head, no, ma'am.

Speaker 2 (01:07:50):
To that, because it just should. The check should clear,
the check should have been cleared.

Speaker 3 (01:07:55):
Should honestly be happy.

Speaker 4 (01:07:57):
I'll make you do a day up payment right, render
services okay payment.

Speaker 2 (01:08:01):
For services, PayPal transfers instantly. You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 (01:08:07):
If they cast you percent okaying up right now.

Speaker 2 (01:08:17):
Have a QR code.

Speaker 1 (01:08:18):
I'm saying nothing. His QR cod zallas this as well too,
and it's f shirt.

Speaker 4 (01:08:24):
I'm sure you got this, baby, yes, yes, well yes,
I live. I love I love it man, man, because
I think that all the time, because I guess man,
Pam is to This week, John and I were on
a show called two by Queers by christ and China,

(01:08:46):
and I just want to say it's one of them
because I really just loved being with them. They're so
so dope, so much fun, like it felt like such
a key and never really I look forward to them
being on our show as well.

Speaker 1 (01:08:56):
Oh that's fine, we are going to make that happen.
If they were the in of this year is definitely
going to be the top of next year.

Speaker 4 (01:09:02):
Christian, if you're watching, y'all are so fucking great and
so brilliant, so hilarious, So thank you for your time.
My nomamp him is too. It's two okay. So it's
like it's like it's like an onion, it's layered. So
there is a cultural institution where I live. I live
in like a Queer areas and Ago and one of
the bars I love is my favorite bars, so number one,

(01:09:26):
they like their cultural institution and the city I think
that they're working to try and designate Hillcrest was like
the cultural district. Then tell them like as a place
that's not yet a culture district is set to certain
ordinances and laws, and so a developer built a apartment
building right behind, right behind Number one or on the
side of the perhaps around Nuber one.

Speaker 1 (01:09:46):
Has known not to cut you off. But was number
one originally numbers? Was that the name?

Speaker 4 (01:09:50):
The numbers actually used to be right where I right
next to where I live now, But no, now it's
like a right restaurant, damn numbers as I heard, So
numbers number one has been wrong for some time.

Speaker 3 (01:10:02):
The developers build building around it.

Speaker 4 (01:10:05):
One of the best Personumber one I love a lot,
was that they had this really cute bat patio that
they do is a dance door because of the apartments
that are right there. They know how they had they've
had to close a patio at midnight versus two am
they usually do for noise ordinances. So one manmham two
developers because fuck y'all for doing that. No mamm to
the bitches who fucking moved there, because bitch, why would

(01:10:26):
you move there and not fuck you like if you
fucking know there's a patio bat patio bar for queer people,
don't don't move them into straights up and say I'm
so sorry too loud for me, girl, sound.

Speaker 3 (01:10:35):
Prefer on windows or just don't don't, just don't live there.

Speaker 4 (01:10:39):
And also maham the city for not just as a
cultural place in the first place, because if they have protections, right,
it could be it would be a safeguard from us
or or ordinances and so like and like it's not
just about the bar, about the idea of like you
have this historically queer space that is being limited in
the censor in this way right in the spaces that
are one of the very folicces that we can go

(01:10:59):
to the straits have every other square mile of the city,
we have literally ten blocks of a place as our
neighborhood and whatever our institutions that that like like Alata
strequent all the time because it's just a fun like spot.
Like now now limit how we show up ourselves, right
and like and it's not because like like that they

(01:11:20):
have they have events every night at that place. Now
for them having to limit their time just like really
ruins the experience in the vibe. And so I want
I want to I want to find a way like
I am I'm like, I'm like pretty galmalized. I want
like repetition, I want like I I I want to.

Speaker 3 (01:11:36):
Call the fucking like like development.

Speaker 4 (01:11:39):
But can y'all can can y'all get over this and
call it at the end day like but but just
of these systems that are least striving to limit and
silence us at like as we are everywhere, we are
everywhere when like when like when when like like we
we've been here, so stop, Like if you if if
you build the spot, you have the possibility to make
sure that people that this place have served our taking

(01:12:01):
care of as well, like yes, possibility to your new
tenants for the money that you're trying to make from that.
But like, then don't build her, girl, Like you can build,
you can't build anywhere else, and you can choose any
other combss like like like you you knew what was
happen when you.

Speaker 3 (01:12:15):
Did this, and so I'm just like.

Speaker 1 (01:12:18):
And a lot of times these companies and these people
working at these companies know exactly what the they're doing,
exactly what they're doing.

Speaker 3 (01:12:25):
It's all I'm saying is that Chris got this. Please
don't conate.

Speaker 1 (01:12:34):
Me, o God in Hollywood, I was here in the
what do you mean so sad okay.

Speaker 2 (01:12:47):
Craziest concept to me is like the idea of being
out dancing past twelve am. And well, well, yes, the
way I got exhausted thinking about people.

Speaker 1 (01:13:00):
Out The people deserve to be out, yea. I love
that for my twin the twenty year olds and the
twenty one year olds. However, for me and my forty
year old body, soon as that clock says eleven, I
need to be under my heavy set, confider, because I'm
not trying to be in nobody's dance floor at eleven o'clock.
You see when we were in New York. You see

(01:13:22):
how I met New York and got up out of
the death as soon as as soon as they snapped
that picture, I said, good night. I don't need to
be here for any longer.

Speaker 3 (01:13:31):
Yes, I'll shake out.

Speaker 1 (01:13:34):
I love that for you, But as for me, I'm
going to be And I'll say this too, like even
talking about responsibility, right like when we moved into the
condo that we moved into, initially, the place that they
showed us was in front of a pool, and I
was very much in the mind of I don't want
to live near that pool because at eight o'clock nine
o'clock when I'm trying to wind down. I don't want

(01:13:54):
to hear kids out there.

Speaker 3 (01:13:55):
At the pool.

Speaker 1 (01:13:55):
So what did we do? Where's another location for us
to live because we don't want to live near the pool.
So I mean I think that, Yeah, it's just people.
People are awful, people are shitty, and it's really really annoying.
So all that to be said, I hope that those
developers are having the data they deserve. I hope that
they're having the day that they deserve. With that being said,
send us your thoughts, feedback and emails to Blackfatfempod at

(01:14:17):
gmail dot com. You spell it out B L A
C K fat fem f E M M E pod
at gmail dot com. You can also send us your
thoughts via social media's by interacting with our posts on instagrams,
on threads, on Blue Sky, on the tick of the Talks,
and even I don't even say spill, I'll be over
on Spiel talking about the show and doing things and

(01:14:38):
things of that nature. So shout out to Spiel for
seeing us and for always supporting us over here. Jessica Rowes,
where can the dogs find you?

Speaker 3 (01:14:44):
Baby?

Speaker 2 (01:14:45):
Yeah, you guys can find me everywhere at this is
Jessica Rose. I will make a note to the fact
that you said creators are struggling right now. I agree
with that. However, one of the ways that I did
stabilize myself is with digital products, and I have a
digital a marketing program called market Like a Mama. You
guys can sign up for that at she Really had
a Baby dot com slash market Like a Mama to

(01:15:07):
get more information on how to start making money online
through digital marketing.

Speaker 1 (01:15:12):
I know that's right. You may see me sign up
what this industry? Yeah, yeah, so she really had a baby?
You about to I'm about to do because buddy, buddy,
But yes, I love that Queen Joe Ho. Where can
the dolls find you?

Speaker 3 (01:15:30):
Baby? As usual?

Speaker 4 (01:15:31):
You can find me at Jojoa Dann's across all socials
website Jordandanes dot com. If not there, you will find
me watching the Morning Show. I said this last week,
but this week because Karen Pittman, who plays me a
Jordan on that show, is a fucking revelation on Marvel
like she's in Treuble Actress.

Speaker 3 (01:15:46):
I am, like I think she does is just so
fucking amazing.

Speaker 4 (01:15:49):
But I'm in season three ight now and she's eating
it up and I am eating.

Speaker 3 (01:15:54):
It or she's on my on my screen. I live
for her, so care maybe ever listen to this? I
love you.

Speaker 1 (01:15:58):
So you're it's so good. Your craft is amazing, like
just yeah, so so good? Are you what season two
or three? You're in?

Speaker 3 (01:16:05):
Three?

Speaker 1 (01:16:05):
Okay, I need to catch up. I did season one
kind of. I kind of watched season two and then
I stopped, but I keep telling myself I'm gonna go back.

Speaker 4 (01:16:13):
I know, I like like season two there's like a
lot of it's based in COVID, and I know, like
I like a lot of people have a lot of
feelings about like seeing shows are based around COVID. I
think that actually a really great job, like like portraying it.
But season two was with a lull for me. But three,
oh it's good, like I I survived too, so I
can get to three now.

Speaker 1 (01:16:33):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:16:34):
I'm proud that I did. I'm proud myself for doing it.

Speaker 1 (01:16:36):
Okay, Well I love that, And I, like I said,
when I when I get bored enough, because I'm still
trying to get through some other shows. Yeah, once I
get through the shows, I really want to watch I
definitely want to go back to our boarding shows, so
that way I can catch up and we can talk
about it. But that being said, you can you can
find me over at your website signing up for your
market and stuff. But you can also find me down
to ww dot doctor John Paul dot com. It's Christmas time.

(01:16:59):
Buy my book. Give it to your your homophobic uncle,
let them read it. Tell them that there's a whole
bunch of lessons that they can learn in said book.
You can get the book at Amazon, you can get
it over at the Barnes and Noble. You can get
it at your local bookery. You know what. People even
said they've seen it in the airport, so you can
even get it in the airport, honey, go buy the book.
Other than that, you can watch my spot on ABC

(01:17:21):
Our America Who I'm Meant to Be, where we talk
more about this show. And also if you want some
good white mess to watch all her fault I've heard
on Peacock. That's some good white mess right there. We
want to talk. Yes, it's it's it's giving. It's giving.

(01:17:42):
I know that didn't just happen that literally, so it's
given a lot of good white mess. And what other
show that I finished watching?

Speaker 3 (01:17:48):
Oh uh.

Speaker 1 (01:17:51):
Not Bad Monkey. Bad Monkey's all right, but that's on
Apple TV. There's another one on Netflix with Jason Bateman
and he has a brother and they own a bar
and it gets it gets real messy when I when
I find the name, it's also some good white mess. Yes, Jason,

(01:18:11):
there's another show and it's about a bar and baby.
When I tell you that Jason Bateman steals some money
from some folks and they come after him, it's some
good TV.

Speaker 2 (01:18:23):
He he is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:18:26):
Well. The thing is with Jason Bateman, though, is that
he's himself in every role that he plays, and so
it's very like you know what you're gonna get when
you watch Jason Bateman in the show, which I love
about him. But he's also very pro trans, very pro LGBTQ.
So that's also another reason why I'm very much a
big fan of Jason. Baby. We love a good white
cis head man who gets it. So, with that being said,

(01:18:46):
go down to the Netflix, find that Jason Bateman show
and watch it and let us know what your thoughts
are on all of the stuff. But with that being said,
this has been another show we want to thank our
super producer Joey Patt for making this ship pop, and
everyone down to the iHeartMedia for all that you do.
The two producers that we have in the room over there,
thank you for what you do. Thank you so much.
We appreciate you. We appreciate the donuts. Thank you, We

(01:19:08):
appreciate you. We also want to shout out and wanting
for editor Chris Rogers because without him, you would not
have this flavor in your ear, all the visuals down
to the tube of you stay black, fat, femine, fabulous,
and remember what Joho, We may not be a couple
of your girl, but okay, grab some eggnog and some
Henancy Christmas, a little I love us for real and

(01:19:36):
see you next week.

Speaker 2 (01:19:37):
Bye.

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