October 10, 2022 • 36 mins
Sometimes you can find redemption, but you have to find it for yourself. No one is going to give it to you. You can’t find it in a movie or a song. You can only find it inside yourself. In the 21st century, decades after his pursuit of an unfinished teenage symphony to God that drove him to the edge of sanity, Brian Wilson found his redemption. But he also found something else, too: the realization of a dream that he thought had died long ago.
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Double Elvis. Blood on the Tracks is a production of
I Heart Radio and Double Elvis. Brian Wilson was a
musical genius and one of the greatest songwriters of all time.
He caught melodies like they were waves. He bottled good
vibrations like no one else, and he picked up bad
vibrations too. He broke down, he tripped hard. He didn't
(00:28):
just hear music, he heard voices. He tried to lose
those voices by making a teenage symphony to God called Smile.
But somewhere along the way, Brian Wilson lost his mind instead.
This is his story. Rhonda Masson here once again. I
(00:51):
can't believe we've come to the end of these Brian
Wilson tapes and to the end of this project. All
these final bits and pieces are from two thousand four.
I think they're all video tapes from the album Brian
Wilson Presents Smile, which of course is the resurrected version
of the record he abandoned nearly forty years earlier. They're
all pretty well cataloged and most contained material that ended
(01:12):
up on the record. But there was one tape I
found that has just been left. I'll play it for you.
Now here we go. Okay, everyone, can you all hear
me in there? Good? Let's try some take. I have
(01:37):
some history with this. This song was a tough one,
but we can get it. You can get it today.
Sometimes history isn't a bad thing. History can make you wise,
You can make you right your wrongs. Everything that is
taking place in the past is a preparation for the
opportunities to calm. You can change your future using your history.
(02:00):
M don't be afraid of the song. Don't be afraid
of the thinks you've heard about it. Don't be afraid
of anything. We have to face stuff like this as
songwriters and musicians, as people. Okay, fight Mrs o'larry's cow
take one. Give me everything you've got on us. I
(02:21):
want everybody's best shot. Let's get some blood on the tracks.
(02:47):
Chapter ten. Brian Wilson was smiling again. Good morning, This
is b r I a n FM, coming to you
(03:09):
live from the temporal Lobe. It's another beautiful day out there.
The sun is shining and the sea is warm. I
wake up and it's early. Melinda is sleeping next to me.
The kids are asleep too. It's the first day of
(03:29):
the rest of my life. I can feel it. I've
been playing it cool, but my mind has been whirling
around and around. We Linda could tell. Last night. I
think I was quiet, reserved, she said, But this morning
I feel okay. No, I feel better than okay. There
(03:53):
was my life before all this happened, and my life
after it. Was it better before? Probably not? Will it
be better after? I don't know. Maybe, but then again
maybe not. It's hard to tell. With a mind like mine,
you just never know. I've learned to play it by ear,
(04:14):
like a good song to go with it all. I
have some history with this. I've spent my whole life scared,
my whole life under pressure from someone or something. I
don't think that will ever go away. But you can
manage it, you can deal with it. Don't be afraid.
You can't stop a lot of things in this world,
(04:35):
but you can live with them. Don't be afraid of anything.
I walked softly down the back staircase and into the kitchen.
There's three pills on the counter. I take my usual
amount with a cool glass of water. I washed the glass,
dry it and place it back in the cupboard. It's
(04:55):
deadly quiet. I look at the clock on the wall,
five nights a teen. I breathe out and muttered to myself,
we'll be doing it in under five hours. We'll be
in there. My mind pictures of control booth, the drum kit, microphone,
then a fireman's hat. This song was a tough one.
(05:18):
I swallow hard, then close my eyes. I breathe in,
then out, in then out. I know where I'm going,
I know what I want to do. It's strange how
your body, or your mind or both gave you these
little ideas, these little thoughts, that all of a sudden
(05:40):
you have to carry out. Impulse, that's what it is.
That's what I can feel. History can make you wise.
I make my way to the back door, and as
I do, I walk past the calendar on the wall.
Today's date is circled and written there it says, warding
day one. I don't dare look at it. I just
(06:04):
keep walking outside. The sun is hot already. The bird's
song fills my ears, and I closed my eyes as
I walked down the perfectly manicured grass. I'm barefoot and
it feels like carpet under my toes. I thought i'd
feel worse than this. I'm worried. This is just the
(06:24):
calm before the storm. I've seen that before, I felt
like that before, but I have to admit this time
it does feel different. Don't be afraid of the song. Finally,
the feeling of grass under my feet gives way to
the feeling of sand. It's cool and soft. I stopped
(06:45):
and dig my feet into it. It's reassuring, like a
heavy blanket or a cup of cocoa. I stopped and
stare at the horizon where the Pacific Ocean meets the sky.
There's no one else around. The light ances off the water,
and there's a light breeze that drifts around me. Everything
feels calm, settled, like there's no more worry shows all over.
(07:11):
Everything has happened, like watching an old movie you love
or hearing an old song. Don't be afraid of the
thinks you've heard about it. I'm not really going to
do this, am I? I think to myself. I feel nervous.
How could I not? But I feel happy too. I
(07:31):
waste a bit of time looking up and down the beach.
Then I mutter, okay, come on, Brian. Smile was once
again appearing in my mind. More and more, and this feeling.
This idea just grew and grew with it. I walk
up the beach and begin to slowly climb up the
rocks on the far side. I go right up to
(07:51):
the top. When I get there, I'm panting. I stand
and look at the whole beach. You can see it
all from up there. It's like I'm on top of
the world. History can make you wise. I looked down
and see the ocean lapping at the rocks below. Without
a second thought, I grabbed the shirt and wearing pull
(08:13):
it off. I take two steps back and jump as
high as I can. You can change your future using
your history. I feel like I'm dancing in the air.
It's just me, the son above and the Pacific below.
I closed my eyes as I plumb it down at
an almost violent speed, but as I do, the silence
(08:33):
of the morning is broken. I hear someone above me screaming, Brian.
I try to look up, but it's already too late.
The water crashes around my body. It engulfs me entirely.
It's cold and dark and be silent as I shoot
down further into it. After a few seconds, I stopped
and hang there, suspend it in time, completely alone. Completely still.
(08:59):
Then I a shop further and further, higher and higher.
I'm like a shooting star streaming across the sky. A
light starts to appear up above. I put my hand
out and reach for it. Any second I'll touch it,
that welcoming, warm light. I make a grab for it
and crash out of the water and back into reality.
(09:22):
I gulp in deep breaths and feel the sun on
my face again. Give me everything, everything, everything, Who I shout?
I feel alive, like I've just shed my skin or something.
Give me everything you've got. I look up and see
who had screamed my name only moments earlier. I see
(09:44):
her straight away. It's Melinda, shouting some more as she
sprints into the ocean, still in her pajamas. Brian, She's shouting,
what the hell are you doing? She's gasping for breath
as the water splashes all around her, and then she
dives in and swim ms with the speed of an
Olympian towards me. When she reaches me, she asks what
(10:05):
the fund is going on? I felt like a swim
I tell her, don't be afraid. You haven't been in
the sea in forty years, and now you feel like
a swim. Her anger turns to laughter in less time
than it takes for her to complete the sentence, and
then she throws her arms around me and tells me
we should get dry. Just do one more thing for me,
(10:27):
I ask. A smile creeps across my face. Five minutes later,
we're both on top of the rocks. My shirt is
where I left it, okay. After three, she shouts one, two, three,
Then we both jump the sky above us, the ocean below,
(10:48):
and freedom all around. Good morning from a chili London town.
(11:23):
This is b R I, a n f M, broadcasting
to you from the English capital. Watch out for those
showers out there. They can be alarming. Sometimes I opened
doors in here, you know, inside my mind, and I
can't bear to look behind them, but I do it anyway.
(11:46):
I don't know why. Sometimes they're almost impossible to close.
You unlock memories, thoughts or feelings, and they're too much
to take. Can you all hear me in there? But
sometimes you can look back on something and get closure.
Sometimes history isn't a bad thing. Sometimes you can find redemption,
(12:08):
but you have to find it for yourself. No one
is going to give it to you. You can't find
it in a movie or a song. You can only
find it inside yourself. Sure, someone else can bring it
out of you, they can help you get there, but
in the end, you're the one that has to find
it and grab it. You can change your future using
your history. I guess what I'm trying to say is
(12:31):
I knew I had to forgive myself. That was the
only way out. After standing at the side of the
stage at Radio City Music Hall with Elton John, watching
George Martin speak so positively about me, and then later
spontaneously playing heroes and villains at Scott Bennett's house, I
felt like my relationship with Smile was turning, turning into
(12:53):
something less negative. Welinda had encouraged that too, So in
the summer of two thousand four, I went to the
studio and we recut it. We redid the whole album
from scratch. Was I nervous? God, I was terrified. But
it wasn't that simple. It took time. Things had to
(13:16):
happen before we got there. First, I included a couple
of Smile songs in my regular set list when touring.
Don't be afraid of this song. Then we had the
idea to perform a live show, Smile in its entirety live.
We decided on London. I have often said that that
(13:38):
city is my spiritual home. I love it there, I
have some history. So there I was standing in the
large auditorium at the Royal Festival Hall. It was winter
and it was cold outside, but the hall was right
on the water, right on the Thames. It felt like
it fits Smile somehow, the closeness of the water. I
(14:03):
kept singing this song by three Dog Night. Easy to
be hard, That's what this whole experience was like. It's
been hard, but it's been easy. It's easy to say
yes to do some shows, getting on a plane to rehearsing,
but it's hard to actually walk out on stage on
the night. Are you ready? Asked Darian Sahanaja Darien is
(14:27):
in my band. He was in the Wonderments too. If
you know my story, you know we're connected. I told
him I was ready to go, and we walked to
the stage for the rehearsal. We have to face stuff
like this. That's when it started. The noise was deafening,
A wailing fire alarm sounded. Its presence was so large,
(14:50):
but it was invisible to your eyes, so a brain
has trouble with it. I turned to Darien and shouted,
it's fate. He's mild, but he could tell I was
nervous history with this. They eventually shut it off. The
stage manager Philip apologized profusely in the way only the
(15:11):
British can. He told us the system was only a
few years old and had never done this before. Okay,
we're fine, no problem. Ten minutes later, I was on
stage as Darian counted us in on heroes and villains. Okay, one, two, three,
he yelled, but the number four was drowned out. It
(15:32):
was the fire alarm again. This song was a tough one,
so loud it rattled my chest. I looked over at Darien.
I'm sure he could tell I was getting nervous. They
finally shut it off again, but now there was this
tension in the room. Can you'll hear me in there?
(15:52):
Fifteen minutes later, after a few uninterrupted songs, Darian shouted
out to the band that we were ready to do
this is a larious cow. I sat behind the piano.
You know it would be funny, I said if the
alarm went off during But my words were cut short
as that loud noise returned to the hall. Everyone froze
(16:15):
and exchanged awkward glances. The stage manager was back and
apologizing once again. He told us to take five while
they worked it out. Darien glanced at his watch. Well
he knew we were running out of time everything that
is taking place. He was passed. He followed me to
my dressing room, where I sat with Melinda. Look, he said,
(16:39):
I'm getting worried. It's one thing to rehearse in our
normal space, but we need time in this room, especially
for a gig of this magnitude. There was an uneasy silence.
We can't cancel, Melinda responded, we might have to postpone,
Darian said, taking place in the past and now their
(17:00):
uneasy pause. The tension was building in that room. I
sat in silence while the other two looked exasperated. That
exasperation turned to angers yet again, the alarm went off.
It was even louder backstage. Jesus Christ. Melinda shouted, but
then she stopped and looked at her watch. It had
(17:20):
been exactly fifteen minutes since the last alarm. She took
a look at me. She stared right at me intensely.
Then she shook her head and marched out of the room,
slamming the door behind her. Moments later, the alarm stopped.
You can change your future. Then Melinda reappeared with Joey,
(17:41):
one of our roadies. She was angry, Brian, She barked, Ship,
can you tell me and Darian what Joey is being
paid to do today? Joey's eyes were wide, even wider
than when I offered him a thousand bucks that morning
to find out where the alarm test system was for
the Royal Festival Hall. Don't be afraid to be a roadie,
(18:05):
I said, tentatively, But the game was up. I sheepishly
explained that I paid Joey to set the alarm off
every fifteen minutes during rehearsal. Everyone out. She shouted at
the room, and then looked at me and said, not
you don't be afraid. Once we were alone, she was soft,
(18:27):
kind and encouraging. She told me that if I didn't
want to do the gig, I should have just said so.
I explained that I did want to do the gig,
but that I was scared. Don't be afraid. I was
worried how it would all go. I held her hand
and I didn't want to let go. Do you remember
(18:49):
this morning? She smiled the sea? How long was it?
Forty years? I remembered the water, how it felt, the
early morning sun. On that feeling of calm control. I
took a deep breath and I looked into Melinda's eyes.
I was ready, actually ready this time. That evening, I
(19:16):
was on stage in front of a packed crowd. My
band was singing our prayer. Right at the start of
the show. The lights were down low. You could hear
a pin drop. Let's try to take it. There was
a brief silence when we finished singing, and then the
snare hit like a starting pistol, and we launched into
Heroes and Villains, Give me everything you've got. The stage
(19:41):
lights burst into radiant, bright white light. I could feel
it on my skin, like the sun in the middle
of summer, warm and forgiving. I always hated being on stage,
but tonight I felt like I was in my old
chair at home. As I looked up during the first
few lines of the song, for just for a second,
(20:04):
I thought I saw my dad and Phil Spector. They
looked happy for me. Don't be afraid of anything. I
stared at their big grins, and their big eyes. I
blinked in the bright light. When I look back, they
were gone. We'll be right back after this we were
(20:37):
after the show at the Royal Festival Hall. We kept
touring the album No fire alarms. This time it was
the success, reviews, sales, all of it arousing success. I
felt like a chapter of my life for perhaps the
chapter of my life was coming to an end. History
(20:57):
can make you wise, but it wasn't over. Melinda Darien
and a record producer named Mark Lynette, we're all trying
to convince me to record a new version of Smile,
the one we were performing on stage. It took me
two weeks to give them an answer. We went into
the studio in April two thousand four, Sunset Sound to
(21:20):
begin with. That was one of the studios we cut
the original Smile in when they suggested that place actually shuttered.
But like with the show or going into the Ocean,
I wanted to face things head on, to stand up
for once, to confront the fear you can change your
future using your history. So we went in. Sometimes being
(21:44):
afraid is like bordering on excitement. It's good scary. We
have to face stuff like this, like Smile had gone
from scary scary to good scary. But with everything that
had happened between me and that project, it was bound
to be hard in places, and this song was a
tough one. At Sunset Sound, Darien and Mark had assembled
(22:07):
a ten piece band. Most of the guys had been
on stage at the Royal Festival Hall that first night.
They could both tell I was nervous. I couldn't even
hold a glass of water in my hand without shaking. Brian,
They asked me, are you sure you want to record
this song today? I nodded, yeah, I was sure. Head on,
(22:28):
give me everything you've got. You've got. The song we
were due to record was Mrs O'Leary's Cow, otherwise known
as Fire. My mind rewound through flickering images of burning
tapes and l a fires. I looked down at the
chair I was sitting and saw that my hand was
gripped so tightly around the arm that my knuckles were
(22:49):
completely white. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe,
but all I could think about was that session, back
in the session that broke Smile, the session that broke me.
The fire, fire everywhere, just burning everything, burning, Chicago, burning,
(23:10):
Los Angeles, Brian came Mark's voice. Are you okay, okay,
I'm fine, I stuttered, Let's go. The moment I stepped
inside the studio room, I could feel it, the heat,
don't be afraid. Then I could smell it. I thought
(23:32):
it was a joke, someone was playing on me. At
first I could smell smoke. Don't be afraid. I turned
around and saw the cello player and smoking. What the
hell are you doing, I asked. She laughed and took
another puff. Darian asked me what was wrong. I spun
(23:53):
around to look at him and saw he was wearing
a plastic fireman's hat. Don't be afraid of the thinks
you've heard about it. My froze. Then the other string
players pulled out pieces of wood and started to chant
burn it all down, Burn it all down. I looked
(24:14):
for the window to see if Mark was still in
the recording booth, but I couldn't see him in there.
The whole room was full of smoke, just this glass
box of smoke was so thick you couldn't see anything.
Then the smoke spilled out between the edges of the
glass and into the studio, thicker and thicker. I fell
to my knees and crawled forward. I shouted at Darian
(24:35):
to get down out of the smoke, but he was silent.
Don't be afraid of the song. The chant was getting louder.
Now burn it all down, burn it all down. It
was all I could hear. I crawled into the smoke,
praying for a way out. I gasped for air as
sweat began to drip down my face. Then I tasted
(24:56):
it in my mouth. It was salty and hot. I
tried to bit it out, but it seemed to only
get worse. Can you hear me in there? My mouth
was full of sweat. I tried to get rid of it,
but it was like a constant stream, as if someone
had put an ocean in my mouth. And now it
was spilling out sweat everywhere. I was coughing. The smoke
(25:21):
and the spit made it unable to breathe. I thought
that was it. I thought I was going to be
seeing Elvis soon. Don't be afraid. But then I saw
a tiny light to the left of me. I made
for it, crawling on my knees like a child. The
light got bigger and bigger. Then I saw what it
actually was. It was the door, Darian, I shouted, I
(25:45):
found a way out. Nothing, no reply. I pushed the door.
At first it didn't budge, but I pushed harder, and
after spitting that salty liquid from my mouth, I gave
it a final shove with all my strength and it
burst open. Don't be afraid of anything. I crashed through
it and out into the parking lot. I opened my
(26:07):
eyes and looked up Melndo standing in front of me.
Her dress burst into flames, and then the flames spread
to her hair, her face, and within seconds she was
reduced to ashes in front of me. I screamed as
the building behind her burst into flames too. The fire
roared and roared, and then Brian came Mark's voice, are
(26:31):
you okay? Okay? My eyes open. I was back back
from being in here lost. I was in the control
booth at sunset sound. My eyes widened as I readjusted
to the light. You looked like you were lost for
(26:53):
a minute, he said, I'm fine. I said, let's go.
We were did fire there and then all done and
dusted very quickly. No Hollywood, theatrics. We just cut the track.
That's what the whole album was like. In two thousand four.
It only took us a couple of weeks to actually
record a few more to mix, but the recording was
(27:17):
pretty straight down the line. After we cut the song
that day, everyone was heading home and I was a
left alone in the studio. Darien came in and thanked
me for the day. Can I have the song on CD?
I asked, Right now? He asked. I nodded, okay, no problem.
(27:38):
I can just burn you one, he said, and then
started clicking the mouse on his computer. My legs started
to shake and anticipation. I wanted to hold it, to
have Smile in my hands, to know that it physically
existed in the world. He handed it to me. The
plastic was warm, shiny. I stared at it, my face
(28:01):
distorted in the reflection. Can I have a moment? I
asked him. Of course, he responded, and then I was
left alone again. I took the CD and held it
to my chest. I was trembling. Then I cried. I
cried and cried and cried. I cried for Smile. I
(28:23):
cried for Dennis and Carl. I cried for my dad,
and I cried for Phil Specter. But most of all,
I cried for me. Sixty three am. That's when it starts.
(29:07):
The ticking clock. That's when the countdown begins. In truth,
it's been counting down for days, but he's been ignoring it.
Coping mechanisms can help you do that, but sooner or
later you have to face it. Sooner or later you
have to jump in. Brian Wilson gets up in the
pale morning light and sits hunched over on the edge
(29:28):
of his bed. Fourteen hours to go. Downstairs, he examined
some newspapers still left on the countertop from a few
weeks back. One shows an image of George W. Bush
becoming the President of the United States for the second time.
Brian starts to name the presidents in his head, anything
to forget about what he's doing today. Thirteen hours to go.
(29:51):
Brian's wife, Melinda, walks into the room and smiles. Have
you decided yet, she asked. Carter Reagan Bush, Clint Brian
hear me. Brian looks up. I haven't decided, he replies.
He checks his watch. Twelve hours fifty eight minutes to go.
The day drags. It's slow and vacant. Brian can barely
(30:14):
call it a day at all, since he's spending it,
waiting for what's going to happen. When the evening finally
ambles into view, Brian stands in front of the full
length mirror on the inside of his bedroom wardrobe door.
He's wearing a jet black tom Ford tucks, but that's
not what he's looking at. He's staring right into his
own eyes. And the voices appear again, and they drift
(30:35):
in and out. You're a genius, yet this is your
first Grammy nomination. Phil Specter had four Imagine if you
don't win Wind. He slams the door shut. His reflection
is gone, and so are the voices. He makes his
way downstairs. Two hours and thirty four minutes to go.
He gets to the Staples Center early, but in his mind,
(30:57):
he's not present at all. As he knew is his
dressing room. He's stopped by one of the Grammy's producers.
Had Brian decided on the song? Who's going to perform?
Yet Brian responds by muttering something about good vibrations and
then something about fire, and then Brian has left the conversation.
The door slams behind him as he walks into his
dressing room. One hour and fifty eight minutes left. To
(31:19):
go inside the dressing room. Brian sits in the corner
with his little portable radio. The golden oldies coming from
the small speaker give him comfort. He closes his eyes
and listens. We have to decide the song, Brian finally says.
Brian shuffles in his seat. He wasn't ready yet, Brian,
She shouts, please, this is a simple choice. It's just
(31:42):
one song or the other. I think it should be
good vibrations, but it doesn't really matter. Belinda's patience is
waning as she watches her husband ignore. Brian make a
fucking decision nothing, Brian, She screams, The funk is the problem.
The problem. Brian breaks his silence. The problem is that
(32:02):
he's been trying to prove himself for all these years,
to these people, to himself, to his old man, trying
to prove that he's as good as Phil Specter or
Mike or any fucking one. And this, this here, now,
this is the end of it all. Smile. How long
has he been thinking about this thing? How long has
it dominated his life? And now the record is out,
it's done, and what he's just supposed to say goodbye?
(32:25):
Melinda throws her arms around Brian as the tears well
up under his eyes. At that moment, the dressing room
door opens. It's the producer of the show again, the
one they saw in the hallway. Brian turns to her
and breathlessly tells her that they're going to play fire,
not good vibrations, and there's thirty four minutes to go.
(32:47):
Brian and Melinda are taken to their seats, where Brian
watches Queen Latifa introduced the show. He looks around the crowd.
There are faces he half recognizes, Usher, Kanye West, Jennifer Lopez.
They all make him feel out of place. He's too
old for this. He's a dinosaur. He just wasn't made
for these times and he should leave straight away. He
(33:07):
gets up to go, but Melinda drags him back down.
Three minutes to go. Brian's heart pumps quickly, his lips dry.
He starts to fiddle with his tucks. Queen Latifa announces
the next award is for Best Rock Instrumental Performance and
Jeff Beck is here to present it. Brian's head starts
to spin. Jeff Beck strolls under the stage, waving. Wilson
(33:29):
feels like the room is rumbling beneath him, and this
is it. This is a success or failure, a happy
ending or another bitter conclusion. Thirty seconds to go, okay,
Jeff Beck says into the small microphone. Twenty seconds the
winner of Best Rock Instrumental Performance. Ten seconds he fiddles
(33:50):
with the envelope. Brian watches and screams internally, open it,
just sucking open it. Five seconds, four is three? Wow,
okay too, It's one. Everything stops. Brian is still. He
knows the winner, Jeff Beck says, is Brian Wilson with
(34:13):
fire Mrs O'Leary's cow. The crowd screams, Brian's heart leaps
up in his chest. Whilenda squeezes his hand and then
pulls him in close. As Brian makes his way to
the stage, he bathed and incandescent light and finally it's over.
Thirty minutes later, Brian Wilson is back in his dressing
(34:35):
room with his radio on alone. He's got a few
minutes before he's needed on stage to perform his Grammy
winning song. He listens to the crack the old FM sound,
and then he reaches over to the dial and turns
it off for the first time in a long time,
there is nothing, no talking, no music, no static, and
for the briefest of moments, there's silence from all the
(34:58):
Blood on the Tracks. Mr. Blood on the Tracks produced
by Double Elvis in partnership with I Heart Radio. It's
(35:19):
hosted an executive produced by me Jake Brennan, also executive
produced by Brady Sather. Zeth Lundie is lead editor and producer.
This episode was written by Ben Burrow, mixing and sound
designed by Colin Fleming. Additional music and score elements by
Ryan Spraaker. This season features Chris Anzaloni is the voice
of Brian Wilson. Sources for this episode are available at
(35:42):
Double Elvis dot com on the Blood in the Tracks
series page, follow Double Elvis on Instagram at double Elvis
and on Twitch at Grace and Talks, and you can
talk to me per Usual on Instagram and Twitter at
Disgrace Land, Pod, Rock and Roll, Dytegrages our dand
Double Elvis. Blood on the Tracks is a production of
I Heart Radio and Double Elvis. Brian Wilson was a
musical genius and one of the greatest songwriters of all time.
He caught melodies like they were waves. He bottled good
vibrations like no one else, and he picked up bad
vibrations too. He broke down, he tripped hard. He didn't
(00:28):
just hear music, he heard voices. He tried to lose
those voices by making a teenage symphony to God called Smile.
But somewhere along the way, Brian Wilson lost his mind instead.
This is his story. Rhonda Masson here once again. I
(00:51):
can't believe we've come to the end of these Brian
Wilson tapes and to the end of this project. All
these final bits and pieces are from two thousand four.
I think they're all video tapes from the album Brian
Wilson Presents Smile, which of course is the resurrected version
of the record he abandoned nearly forty years earlier. They're
all pretty well cataloged and most contained material that ended
(01:12):
up on the record. But there was one tape I
found that has just been left. I'll play it for you.
Now here we go. Okay, everyone, can you all hear
me in there? Good? Let's try some take. I have
(01:37):
some history with this. This song was a tough one,
but we can get it. You can get it today.
Sometimes history isn't a bad thing. History can make you wise,
You can make you right your wrongs. Everything that is
taking place in the past is a preparation for the
opportunities to calm. You can change your future using your history.
(02:00):
M don't be afraid of the song. Don't be afraid
of the thinks you've heard about it. Don't be afraid
of anything. We have to face stuff like this as
songwriters and musicians, as people. Okay, fight Mrs o'larry's cow
take one. Give me everything you've got on us. I
(02:21):
want everybody's best shot. Let's get some blood on the tracks.
(02:47):
Chapter ten. Brian Wilson was smiling again. Good morning, This
is b r I a n FM, coming to you
(03:09):
live from the temporal Lobe. It's another beautiful day out there.
The sun is shining and the sea is warm. I
wake up and it's early. Melinda is sleeping next to me.
The kids are asleep too. It's the first day of
(03:29):
the rest of my life. I can feel it. I've
been playing it cool, but my mind has been whirling
around and around. We Linda could tell. Last night. I
think I was quiet, reserved, she said, But this morning
I feel okay. No, I feel better than okay. There
(03:53):
was my life before all this happened, and my life
after it. Was it better before? Probably not? Will it
be better after? I don't know. Maybe, but then again
maybe not. It's hard to tell. With a mind like mine,
you just never know. I've learned to play it by ear,
(04:14):
like a good song to go with it all. I
have some history with this. I've spent my whole life scared,
my whole life under pressure from someone or something. I
don't think that will ever go away. But you can
manage it, you can deal with it. Don't be afraid.
You can't stop a lot of things in this world,
(04:35):
but you can live with them. Don't be afraid of anything.
I walked softly down the back staircase and into the kitchen.
There's three pills on the counter. I take my usual
amount with a cool glass of water. I washed the glass,
dry it and place it back in the cupboard. It's
(04:55):
deadly quiet. I look at the clock on the wall,
five nights a teen. I breathe out and muttered to myself,
we'll be doing it in under five hours. We'll be
in there. My mind pictures of control booth, the drum kit, microphone,
then a fireman's hat. This song was a tough one.
(05:18):
I swallow hard, then close my eyes. I breathe in,
then out, in then out. I know where I'm going,
I know what I want to do. It's strange how
your body, or your mind or both gave you these
little ideas, these little thoughts, that all of a sudden
(05:40):
you have to carry out. Impulse, that's what it is.
That's what I can feel. History can make you wise.
I make my way to the back door, and as
I do, I walk past the calendar on the wall.
Today's date is circled and written there it says, warding
day one. I don't dare look at it. I just
(06:04):
keep walking outside. The sun is hot already. The bird's
song fills my ears, and I closed my eyes as
I walked down the perfectly manicured grass. I'm barefoot and
it feels like carpet under my toes. I thought i'd
feel worse than this. I'm worried. This is just the
(06:24):
calm before the storm. I've seen that before, I felt
like that before, but I have to admit this time
it does feel different. Don't be afraid of the song. Finally,
the feeling of grass under my feet gives way to
the feeling of sand. It's cool and soft. I stopped
(06:45):
and dig my feet into it. It's reassuring, like a
heavy blanket or a cup of cocoa. I stopped and
stare at the horizon where the Pacific Ocean meets the sky.
There's no one else around. The light ances off the water,
and there's a light breeze that drifts around me. Everything
feels calm, settled, like there's no more worry shows all over.
(07:11):
Everything has happened, like watching an old movie you love
or hearing an old song. Don't be afraid of the
thinks you've heard about it. I'm not really going to
do this, am I? I think to myself. I feel nervous.
How could I not? But I feel happy too. I
(07:31):
waste a bit of time looking up and down the beach.
Then I mutter, okay, come on, Brian. Smile was once
again appearing in my mind. More and more, and this feeling.
This idea just grew and grew with it. I walk
up the beach and begin to slowly climb up the
rocks on the far side. I go right up to
(07:51):
the top. When I get there, I'm panting. I stand
and look at the whole beach. You can see it
all from up there. It's like I'm on top of
the world. History can make you wise. I looked down
and see the ocean lapping at the rocks below. Without
a second thought, I grabbed the shirt and wearing pull
(08:13):
it off. I take two steps back and jump as
high as I can. You can change your future using
your history. I feel like I'm dancing in the air.
It's just me, the son above and the Pacific below.
I closed my eyes as I plumb it down at
an almost violent speed, but as I do, the silence
(08:33):
of the morning is broken. I hear someone above me screaming, Brian.
I try to look up, but it's already too late.
The water crashes around my body. It engulfs me entirely.
It's cold and dark and be silent as I shoot
down further into it. After a few seconds, I stopped
and hang there, suspend it in time, completely alone. Completely still.
(08:59):
Then I a shop further and further, higher and higher.
I'm like a shooting star streaming across the sky. A
light starts to appear up above. I put my hand
out and reach for it. Any second I'll touch it,
that welcoming, warm light. I make a grab for it
and crash out of the water and back into reality.
(09:22):
I gulp in deep breaths and feel the sun on
my face again. Give me everything, everything, everything, Who I shout?
I feel alive, like I've just shed my skin or something.
Give me everything you've got. I look up and see
who had screamed my name only moments earlier. I see
(09:44):
her straight away. It's Melinda, shouting some more as she
sprints into the ocean, still in her pajamas. Brian, She's shouting,
what the hell are you doing? She's gasping for breath
as the water splashes all around her, and then she
dives in and swim ms with the speed of an
Olympian towards me. When she reaches me, she asks what
(10:05):
the fund is going on? I felt like a swim
I tell her, don't be afraid. You haven't been in
the sea in forty years, and now you feel like
a swim. Her anger turns to laughter in less time
than it takes for her to complete the sentence, and
then she throws her arms around me and tells me
we should get dry. Just do one more thing for me,
(10:27):
I ask. A smile creeps across my face. Five minutes later,
we're both on top of the rocks. My shirt is
where I left it, okay. After three, she shouts one, two, three,
Then we both jump the sky above us, the ocean below,
(10:48):
and freedom all around. Good morning from a chili London town.
(11:23):
This is b R I, a n f M, broadcasting
to you from the English capital. Watch out for those
showers out there. They can be alarming. Sometimes I opened
doors in here, you know, inside my mind, and I
can't bear to look behind them, but I do it anyway.
(11:46):
I don't know why. Sometimes they're almost impossible to close.
You unlock memories, thoughts or feelings, and they're too much
to take. Can you all hear me in there? But
sometimes you can look back on something and get closure.
Sometimes history isn't a bad thing. Sometimes you can find redemption,
(12:08):
but you have to find it for yourself. No one
is going to give it to you. You can't find
it in a movie or a song. You can only
find it inside yourself. Sure, someone else can bring it
out of you, they can help you get there, but
in the end, you're the one that has to find
it and grab it. You can change your future using
your history. I guess what I'm trying to say is
(12:31):
I knew I had to forgive myself. That was the
only way out. After standing at the side of the
stage at Radio City Music Hall with Elton John, watching
George Martin speak so positively about me, and then later
spontaneously playing heroes and villains at Scott Bennett's house, I
felt like my relationship with Smile was turning, turning into
(12:53):
something less negative. Welinda had encouraged that too, So in
the summer of two thousand four, I went to the
studio and we recut it. We redid the whole album
from scratch. Was I nervous? God, I was terrified. But
it wasn't that simple. It took time. Things had to
(13:16):
happen before we got there. First, I included a couple
of Smile songs in my regular set list when touring.
Don't be afraid of this song. Then we had the
idea to perform a live show, Smile in its entirety live.
We decided on London. I have often said that that
(13:38):
city is my spiritual home. I love it there, I
have some history. So there I was standing in the
large auditorium at the Royal Festival Hall. It was winter
and it was cold outside, but the hall was right
on the water, right on the Thames. It felt like
it fits Smile somehow, the closeness of the water. I
(14:03):
kept singing this song by three Dog Night. Easy to
be hard, That's what this whole experience was like. It's
been hard, but it's been easy. It's easy to say
yes to do some shows, getting on a plane to rehearsing,
but it's hard to actually walk out on stage on
the night. Are you ready? Asked Darian Sahanaja Darien is
(14:27):
in my band. He was in the Wonderments too. If
you know my story, you know we're connected. I told
him I was ready to go, and we walked to
the stage for the rehearsal. We have to face stuff
like this. That's when it started. The noise was deafening,
A wailing fire alarm sounded. Its presence was so large,
(14:50):
but it was invisible to your eyes, so a brain
has trouble with it. I turned to Darien and shouted,
it's fate. He's mild, but he could tell I was
nervous history with this. They eventually shut it off. The
stage manager Philip apologized profusely in the way only the
(15:11):
British can. He told us the system was only a
few years old and had never done this before. Okay,
we're fine, no problem. Ten minutes later, I was on
stage as Darian counted us in on heroes and villains. Okay, one, two, three,
he yelled, but the number four was drowned out. It
(15:32):
was the fire alarm again. This song was a tough one,
so loud it rattled my chest. I looked over at Darien.
I'm sure he could tell I was getting nervous. They
finally shut it off again, but now there was this
tension in the room. Can you'll hear me in there?
(15:52):
Fifteen minutes later, after a few uninterrupted songs, Darian shouted
out to the band that we were ready to do
this is a larious cow. I sat behind the piano.
You know it would be funny, I said if the
alarm went off during But my words were cut short
as that loud noise returned to the hall. Everyone froze
(16:15):
and exchanged awkward glances. The stage manager was back and
apologizing once again. He told us to take five while
they worked it out. Darien glanced at his watch. Well
he knew we were running out of time everything that
is taking place. He was passed. He followed me to
my dressing room, where I sat with Melinda. Look, he said,
(16:39):
I'm getting worried. It's one thing to rehearse in our
normal space, but we need time in this room, especially
for a gig of this magnitude. There was an uneasy silence.
We can't cancel, Melinda responded, we might have to postpone,
Darian said, taking place in the past and now their
(17:00):
uneasy pause. The tension was building in that room. I
sat in silence while the other two looked exasperated. That
exasperation turned to angers yet again, the alarm went off.
It was even louder backstage. Jesus Christ. Melinda shouted, but
then she stopped and looked at her watch. It had
(17:20):
been exactly fifteen minutes since the last alarm. She took
a look at me. She stared right at me intensely.
Then she shook her head and marched out of the room,
slamming the door behind her. Moments later, the alarm stopped.
You can change your future. Then Melinda reappeared with Joey,
(17:41):
one of our roadies. She was angry, Brian, She barked, Ship,
can you tell me and Darian what Joey is being
paid to do today? Joey's eyes were wide, even wider
than when I offered him a thousand bucks that morning
to find out where the alarm test system was for
the Royal Festival Hall. Don't be afraid to be a roadie,
(18:05):
I said, tentatively, But the game was up. I sheepishly
explained that I paid Joey to set the alarm off
every fifteen minutes during rehearsal. Everyone out. She shouted at
the room, and then looked at me and said, not
you don't be afraid. Once we were alone, she was soft,
(18:27):
kind and encouraging. She told me that if I didn't
want to do the gig, I should have just said so.
I explained that I did want to do the gig,
but that I was scared. Don't be afraid. I was
worried how it would all go. I held her hand
and I didn't want to let go. Do you remember
(18:49):
this morning? She smiled the sea? How long was it?
Forty years? I remembered the water, how it felt, the
early morning sun. On that feeling of calm control. I
took a deep breath and I looked into Melinda's eyes.
I was ready, actually ready this time. That evening, I
(19:16):
was on stage in front of a packed crowd. My
band was singing our prayer. Right at the start of
the show. The lights were down low. You could hear
a pin drop. Let's try to take it. There was
a brief silence when we finished singing, and then the
snare hit like a starting pistol, and we launched into
Heroes and Villains, Give me everything you've got. The stage
(19:41):
lights burst into radiant, bright white light. I could feel
it on my skin, like the sun in the middle
of summer, warm and forgiving. I always hated being on stage,
but tonight I felt like I was in my old
chair at home. As I looked up during the first
few lines of the song, for just for a second,
(20:04):
I thought I saw my dad and Phil Spector. They
looked happy for me. Don't be afraid of anything. I
stared at their big grins, and their big eyes. I
blinked in the bright light. When I look back, they
were gone. We'll be right back after this we were
(20:37):
after the show at the Royal Festival Hall. We kept
touring the album No fire alarms. This time it was
the success, reviews, sales, all of it arousing success. I
felt like a chapter of my life for perhaps the
chapter of my life was coming to an end. History
(20:57):
can make you wise, but it wasn't over. Melinda Darien
and a record producer named Mark Lynette, we're all trying
to convince me to record a new version of Smile,
the one we were performing on stage. It took me
two weeks to give them an answer. We went into
the studio in April two thousand four, Sunset Sound to
(21:20):
begin with. That was one of the studios we cut
the original Smile in when they suggested that place actually shuttered.
But like with the show or going into the Ocean,
I wanted to face things head on, to stand up
for once, to confront the fear you can change your
future using your history. So we went in. Sometimes being
(21:44):
afraid is like bordering on excitement. It's good scary. We
have to face stuff like this, like Smile had gone
from scary scary to good scary. But with everything that
had happened between me and that project, it was bound
to be hard in places, and this song was a
tough one. At Sunset Sound, Darien and Mark had assembled
(22:07):
a ten piece band. Most of the guys had been
on stage at the Royal Festival Hall that first night.
They could both tell I was nervous. I couldn't even
hold a glass of water in my hand without shaking. Brian,
They asked me, are you sure you want to record
this song today? I nodded, yeah, I was sure. Head on,
(22:28):
give me everything you've got. You've got. The song we
were due to record was Mrs O'Leary's Cow, otherwise known
as Fire. My mind rewound through flickering images of burning
tapes and l a fires. I looked down at the
chair I was sitting and saw that my hand was
gripped so tightly around the arm that my knuckles were
(22:49):
completely white. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe,
but all I could think about was that session, back
in the session that broke Smile, the session that broke me.
The fire, fire everywhere, just burning everything, burning, Chicago, burning,
(23:10):
Los Angeles, Brian came Mark's voice. Are you okay, okay,
I'm fine, I stuttered, Let's go. The moment I stepped
inside the studio room, I could feel it, the heat,
don't be afraid. Then I could smell it. I thought
(23:32):
it was a joke, someone was playing on me. At
first I could smell smoke. Don't be afraid. I turned
around and saw the cello player and smoking. What the
hell are you doing, I asked. She laughed and took
another puff. Darian asked me what was wrong. I spun
(23:53):
around to look at him and saw he was wearing
a plastic fireman's hat. Don't be afraid of the thinks
you've heard about it. My froze. Then the other string
players pulled out pieces of wood and started to chant
burn it all down, Burn it all down. I looked
(24:14):
for the window to see if Mark was still in
the recording booth, but I couldn't see him in there.
The whole room was full of smoke, just this glass
box of smoke was so thick you couldn't see anything.
Then the smoke spilled out between the edges of the
glass and into the studio, thicker and thicker. I fell
to my knees and crawled forward. I shouted at Darian
(24:35):
to get down out of the smoke, but he was silent.
Don't be afraid of the song. The chant was getting louder.
Now burn it all down, burn it all down. It
was all I could hear. I crawled into the smoke,
praying for a way out. I gasped for air as
sweat began to drip down my face. Then I tasted
(24:56):
it in my mouth. It was salty and hot. I
tried to bit it out, but it seemed to only
get worse. Can you hear me in there? My mouth
was full of sweat. I tried to get rid of it,
but it was like a constant stream, as if someone
had put an ocean in my mouth. And now it
was spilling out sweat everywhere. I was coughing. The smoke
(25:21):
and the spit made it unable to breathe. I thought
that was it. I thought I was going to be
seeing Elvis soon. Don't be afraid. But then I saw
a tiny light to the left of me. I made
for it, crawling on my knees like a child. The
light got bigger and bigger. Then I saw what it
actually was. It was the door, Darian, I shouted, I
(25:45):
found a way out. Nothing, no reply. I pushed the door.
At first it didn't budge, but I pushed harder, and
after spitting that salty liquid from my mouth, I gave
it a final shove with all my strength and it
burst open. Don't be afraid of anything. I crashed through
it and out into the parking lot. I opened my
(26:07):
eyes and looked up Melndo standing in front of me.
Her dress burst into flames, and then the flames spread
to her hair, her face, and within seconds she was
reduced to ashes in front of me. I screamed as
the building behind her burst into flames too. The fire
roared and roared, and then Brian came Mark's voice, are
(26:31):
you okay? Okay? My eyes open. I was back back
from being in here lost. I was in the control
booth at sunset sound. My eyes widened as I readjusted
to the light. You looked like you were lost for
(26:53):
a minute, he said, I'm fine. I said, let's go.
We were did fire there and then all done and
dusted very quickly. No Hollywood, theatrics. We just cut the track.
That's what the whole album was like. In two thousand four.
It only took us a couple of weeks to actually
record a few more to mix, but the recording was
(27:17):
pretty straight down the line. After we cut the song
that day, everyone was heading home and I was a
left alone in the studio. Darien came in and thanked
me for the day. Can I have the song on CD?
I asked, Right now? He asked. I nodded, okay, no problem.
(27:38):
I can just burn you one, he said, and then
started clicking the mouse on his computer. My legs started
to shake and anticipation. I wanted to hold it, to
have Smile in my hands, to know that it physically
existed in the world. He handed it to me. The
plastic was warm, shiny. I stared at it, my face
(28:01):
distorted in the reflection. Can I have a moment? I
asked him. Of course, he responded, and then I was
left alone again. I took the CD and held it
to my chest. I was trembling. Then I cried. I
cried and cried and cried. I cried for Smile. I
(28:23):
cried for Dennis and Carl. I cried for my dad,
and I cried for Phil Specter. But most of all,
I cried for me. Sixty three am. That's when it starts.
(29:07):
The ticking clock. That's when the countdown begins. In truth,
it's been counting down for days, but he's been ignoring it.
Coping mechanisms can help you do that, but sooner or
later you have to face it. Sooner or later you
have to jump in. Brian Wilson gets up in the
pale morning light and sits hunched over on the edge
(29:28):
of his bed. Fourteen hours to go. Downstairs, he examined
some newspapers still left on the countertop from a few
weeks back. One shows an image of George W. Bush
becoming the President of the United States for the second time.
Brian starts to name the presidents in his head, anything
to forget about what he's doing today. Thirteen hours to go.
(29:51):
Brian's wife, Melinda, walks into the room and smiles. Have
you decided yet, she asked. Carter Reagan Bush, Clint Brian
hear me. Brian looks up. I haven't decided, he replies.
He checks his watch. Twelve hours fifty eight minutes to go.
The day drags. It's slow and vacant. Brian can barely
(30:14):
call it a day at all, since he's spending it,
waiting for what's going to happen. When the evening finally
ambles into view, Brian stands in front of the full
length mirror on the inside of his bedroom wardrobe door.
He's wearing a jet black tom Ford tucks, but that's
not what he's looking at. He's staring right into his
own eyes. And the voices appear again, and they drift
(30:35):
in and out. You're a genius, yet this is your
first Grammy nomination. Phil Specter had four Imagine if you
don't win Wind. He slams the door shut. His reflection
is gone, and so are the voices. He makes his
way downstairs. Two hours and thirty four minutes to go.
He gets to the Staples Center early, but in his mind,
(30:57):
he's not present at all. As he knew is his
dressing room. He's stopped by one of the Grammy's producers.
Had Brian decided on the song? Who's going to perform?
Yet Brian responds by muttering something about good vibrations and
then something about fire, and then Brian has left the conversation.
The door slams behind him as he walks into his
dressing room. One hour and fifty eight minutes left. To
(31:19):
go inside the dressing room. Brian sits in the corner
with his little portable radio. The golden oldies coming from
the small speaker give him comfort. He closes his eyes
and listens. We have to decide the song, Brian finally says.
Brian shuffles in his seat. He wasn't ready yet, Brian,
She shouts, please, this is a simple choice. It's just
(31:42):
one song or the other. I think it should be
good vibrations, but it doesn't really matter. Belinda's patience is
waning as she watches her husband ignore. Brian make a
fucking decision nothing, Brian, She screams, The funk is the problem.
The problem. Brian breaks his silence. The problem is that
(32:02):
he's been trying to prove himself for all these years,
to these people, to himself, to his old man, trying
to prove that he's as good as Phil Specter or
Mike or any fucking one. And this, this here, now,
this is the end of it all. Smile. How long
has he been thinking about this thing? How long has
it dominated his life? And now the record is out,
it's done, and what he's just supposed to say goodbye?
(32:25):
Melinda throws her arms around Brian as the tears well
up under his eyes. At that moment, the dressing room
door opens. It's the producer of the show again, the
one they saw in the hallway. Brian turns to her
and breathlessly tells her that they're going to play fire,
not good vibrations, and there's thirty four minutes to go.
(32:47):
Brian and Melinda are taken to their seats, where Brian
watches Queen Latifa introduced the show. He looks around the crowd.
There are faces he half recognizes, Usher, Kanye West, Jennifer Lopez.
They all make him feel out of place. He's too
old for this. He's a dinosaur. He just wasn't made
for these times and he should leave straight away. He
(33:07):
gets up to go, but Melinda drags him back down.
Three minutes to go. Brian's heart pumps quickly, his lips dry.
He starts to fiddle with his tucks. Queen Latifa announces
the next award is for Best Rock Instrumental Performance and
Jeff Beck is here to present it. Brian's head starts
to spin. Jeff Beck strolls under the stage, waving. Wilson
(33:29):
feels like the room is rumbling beneath him, and this
is it. This is a success or failure, a happy
ending or another bitter conclusion. Thirty seconds to go, okay,
Jeff Beck says into the small microphone. Twenty seconds the
winner of Best Rock Instrumental Performance. Ten seconds he fiddles
(33:50):
with the envelope. Brian watches and screams internally, open it,
just sucking open it. Five seconds, four is three? Wow,
okay too, It's one. Everything stops. Brian is still. He
knows the winner, Jeff Beck says, is Brian Wilson with
(34:13):
fire Mrs O'Leary's cow. The crowd screams, Brian's heart leaps
up in his chest. Whilenda squeezes his hand and then
pulls him in close. As Brian makes his way to
the stage, he bathed and incandescent light and finally it's over.
Thirty minutes later, Brian Wilson is back in his dressing
(34:35):
room with his radio on alone. He's got a few
minutes before he's needed on stage to perform his Grammy
winning song. He listens to the crack the old FM sound,
and then he reaches over to the dial and turns
it off for the first time in a long time,
there is nothing, no talking, no music, no static, and
for the briefest of moments, there's silence from all the
(34:58):
Blood on the Tracks. Mr. Blood on the Tracks produced
by Double Elvis in partnership with I Heart Radio. It's
(35:19):
hosted an executive produced by me Jake Brennan, also executive
produced by Brady Sather. Zeth Lundie is lead editor and producer.
This episode was written by Ben Burrow, mixing and sound
designed by Colin Fleming. Additional music and score elements by
Ryan Spraaker. This season features Chris Anzaloni is the voice
of Brian Wilson. Sources for this episode are available at
(35:42):
Double Elvis dot com on the Blood in the Tracks
series page, follow Double Elvis on Instagram at double Elvis
and on Twitch at Grace and Talks, and you can
talk to me per Usual on Instagram and Twitter at
Disgrace Land, Pod, Rock and Roll, Dytegrages our dand
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