October 15, 2025 • 34 mins
Love bombers, mama’s boys… and oh god, another musician?! We’ve all got our list of dating red flags—but that doesn’t mean we always listen to it. This week, we’re diving into your wildest dealbreaker dating stories, the warning signs you ignored, and the hilarious (and painful) lessons that followed.
Do you have a boysober story to share? We'd love to hear from you! Email us a voice note at boysoberpodcast@gmail.com, or leave a voicemail at (518) 83-SOBER. Please say your name before leaving your message, and don’t forget to include your phone number in case we want to follow up. By leaving a voicemail, you are giving Boysober permission and license to use some or all of your message in our show. But if you want to be anonymous, please state that in your call.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I would say the number one red flag I always
ignore is love.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Sammy Mama's boy, a man who is basically in love
with his mother. Another red flag that I consistently ignore
is unemployment.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
That I love you twice the entire few years. He
wanted an open relationship, but then was upset that I
was having sex with other men.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
He introduced me to his mother like two weeks into
us seeing.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
Each other musicians, that's good, don't I don't care to elaborate.
Everyone has their own idea of what red flags are,
whether that's founded in truth or stems from old wounds.
Today we're getting into what people are looking out for
and how we can protect ourselves. I'm hope what are
(01:00):
and welcome to boys over a space where we're learning
and on learning all the myths we're taught about love
and relationships?
Speaker 5 (01:18):
Are we recording Yay?
Speaker 4 (01:21):
A couple weeks ago I got into the studio with
my producers Christina and Emily to try something new.
Speaker 6 (01:27):
Do we want to start in some way?
Speaker 7 (01:29):
Well?
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Hope you're the hosts oh Am, I this one.
Speaker 5 (01:34):
We're here to talk about red flags.
Speaker 4 (01:37):
For a while now, we've been asking you to send
in your calls about red flags and listeners.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
You delivered so many great insights and juicy stories that
we decided to dedicate a whole episode to listening to
your calls.
Speaker 5 (01:51):
Emily, Christina, Welcome to Boyce SOB.
Speaker 8 (01:54):
Thank you for having us.
Speaker 5 (01:55):
Do you want to introduce yourselves? I'm Christina and I'm Emily,
and this is kind of the Boysover team.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
This is we are.
Speaker 5 (02:03):
It was also but he who's kind of a core
member as well. Y, Yeah, he's.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Really a core member.
Speaker 6 (02:07):
He's one of the girls.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
We're here to talk about some red flags. We had
some collins, which we're really excited to listen to. Yes,
before we listen to the stories, let's go over where
we all are in romance, in dating, in our love lives,
so we can lay the groundwork for what kind of
perspective we're.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
Bringing to the table.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
You all hear my the downfalls of my dating life
all the time. Emily and I would you say we're
in we're in similar places trying to find love. Yeah,
you're on hinge.
Speaker 5 (02:42):
I'm not on hinge.
Speaker 6 (02:43):
Yeah, hope, it's trying to.
Speaker 9 (02:44):
Be I feel like you're exploring to explore still I
feel like I also need to explore.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
But I am. I am searching for a relationship.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
But we decided something about you in the last couple
of weeks. What you need a little more pleasure, a
little more chaos in your life?
Speaker 6 (03:02):
Yeah, I think you think she needs more chaos.
Speaker 10 (03:05):
Yeah, I actually think I kind of think chaos is
I'm totally chaos.
Speaker 9 (03:08):
Ag Well, in the red Flat conversation, I think sometimes
I get a little too scared off by the smallest thing.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
I think I need to like take risks and go
for things. Okay, I think that might be one of
the problems I've identified.
Speaker 6 (03:19):
Do you feel like you're picky?
Speaker 5 (03:21):
Yeah? Really?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
Okay, I don't think that's a bad thing.
Speaker 6 (03:25):
No, I don't think that's a bad thing.
Speaker 9 (03:26):
No, No, you know, but it's to the point where
I'm like, oh, if something's not going to work out,
I won't go for it.
Speaker 5 (03:30):
Yeah. What are you doing, Christina?
Speaker 6 (03:32):
What am I doing with dating?
Speaker 3 (03:33):
What's your what's what's your relationship status?
Speaker 6 (03:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 9 (03:36):
What's your Facebook status?
Speaker 6 (03:39):
Married?
Speaker 11 (03:40):
Married?
Speaker 6 (03:41):
Married?
Speaker 5 (03:41):
For how many years?
Speaker 6 (03:43):
One?
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (03:43):
My gosh, that only been one year?
Speaker 6 (03:45):
Yeah, year and a half.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
Oh wow?
Speaker 6 (03:47):
Okay, I thought I'm a millennial so my perspective on
some of these things are a little different from you, right, right,
That's what makes us a fun bunch.
Speaker 5 (03:57):
It doesn't gives us good insight.
Speaker 4 (03:59):
And I good at noticing a red flag and listening
to it and getting.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Out of there. No, but who is?
Speaker 6 (04:07):
Yeah, what about y'all? I think what the service level
red flags like when you are on a dating app.
Those are much easier to spot when you're like, oh,
too many shirtless selfie photos, says, not looking for anything serious?
Speaker 4 (04:22):
Yes, still figuring it out? Still, I think that's a
red flag. Went on Hinge the thing says like, still
figuring out figuring Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Right, figuring out my relationship type I saw.
Speaker 9 (04:33):
No, I was on Hinge last night and some and
someone had listed both monogamy and non monogamy like pick one. Literally,
if you don't want to be monogamous, own up to it.
Speaker 5 (04:44):
Is an it the same thing as a red flag.
Speaker 6 (04:47):
No.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
I think you can get over an ach.
Speaker 6 (04:49):
You can get over an eck, especially if you like
the person.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
You know, this guy he tickled me, which usually gives
me the.
Speaker 6 (04:56):
What cereal outside inside?
Speaker 8 (05:00):
So you're disgusting?
Speaker 10 (05:04):
I meant you.
Speaker 5 (05:10):
Put your fingers away.
Speaker 6 (05:13):
I mean at the bar or like when you're getting intimate.
Speaker 5 (05:17):
And in your house or at the bar.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Yeah, both actually, and it didn't make me mad both
times because you liked them.
Speaker 5 (05:24):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 6 (05:25):
It's different where I was like, oh, wow.
Speaker 5 (05:27):
Really, you don't gets if you like a person.
Speaker 6 (05:29):
Yes, like that's and and then the longer you're with
that person, then you'll develop them.
Speaker 5 (05:34):
And you start to hate them.
Speaker 6 (05:35):
But then you just just accept them, or maybe you
did start danging and then you're like this is an ick,
but then you really do like them. You're kind of like, Okay.
So we have a lot of calls, yay, and I've
gone through them all and I have picked some of
the best ones and so I'm going to play them
for you guys. Okay, So here is the first one.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Hey, it's Hannah. I am Queen of annoying my flags.
Like I have both colored glasses on. There are pink
to me, and I love the color pink. But I
think the one that I like ignored the most in
my last relationship is she was mean, oh my.
Speaker 12 (06:09):
God, other people not to me.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
So I was like, oh, it's fine, she's so sweet
to me, but she would be really, really not kind
to like a lot of people around her, and I
like convinced myself that, like, oh, she's just like a
little ruff around the edges.
Speaker 6 (06:23):
No.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Then she ended up being very very mean to me as.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Well, and I was like, shit, I should have known,
because she's been saying she's a not nice girl from
the beginning.
Speaker 13 (06:31):
She would literally say I'm not nice.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
I had a girl telling me I'm not nice, and
I was like, no, it's fine, that's not a red flag,
like very very delusional.
Speaker 6 (06:40):
So, yeah, someone who was not nice to other people
but is nice to tea, you're still red flag. Yeah,
Because but here's the thing is, I do think for
some reason, there is something kind of hot about that.
Like when somebody is like kind of an asshole to
everybody else, but then they're like very sweet to you.
Speaker 5 (06:56):
You're like, ooh, I get to see their sweet side
because they love me so much.
Speaker 9 (07:00):
Yeah, but he has an ulterior motive, yes, and that's
how he's treating other people.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
It's like it's kind of see.
Speaker 6 (07:08):
So you see when someone's like being mean to someone
now potentially even hurting their feelings, you think, like that's
a good thing.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
I haven't dated like and when I think about someone
being an asshole, I don't think someone like being mean.
Speaker 6 (07:19):
Okay, if it's a guy who's like not polite to
their server at a restaurant, that's the whole.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
Hold different thing, whole different thing. But an asshold to
a waiter, that's like being impolite.
Speaker 5 (07:33):
But if someone's like.
Speaker 6 (07:35):
Not being nice to their brother or their mother, I
think those.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
Two things are related.
Speaker 6 (07:39):
I agree with you there, kindness. Yeah, I think how
you treat a server, well, yeah, should not be any
different from how you treat another person. You shouldn't. You
shouldn't be mean to a stranger on the street just
because you had a bad day.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
I guess what I think of like mean. I don't
really think of like sinister. I just maybe think of
someone who's not.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Like I'm thinking.
Speaker 9 (08:03):
I'm thinking of like the curmudgeonly like type like ray
fam girls.
Speaker 6 (08:08):
Yes, I was just like nice.
Speaker 10 (08:12):
You know, well we're wrong.
Speaker 9 (08:13):
Okay, But it takes Shashana being like I can't be
the only thing you like it it's too much. It's
like a great cloud, it's like over you and like
you can't be the only bright spot.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That's too much pressure for someone, too.
Speaker 6 (08:24):
Right, but like Hannah is saying this person was just
mean to everybody, I.
Speaker 5 (08:28):
Would like, let's say, okay, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6 (08:32):
If they're being mean to other people, I would think,
like someone's holding the door for you, you're not you're just
walking by. You're not even saying thank you, or you
don't say excuse me. Or if they at a restaurant
that bothers me is when they say give me a coke,
give me a this, Oh that drives me crazy, Like.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
Yes, this could be something I could not ignore, Like
if somebody was mean like that.
Speaker 9 (08:52):
And making this more gender neutral, like I have a
lot of female friends that I have had falling out
with who were like mean in a really funny way
where like you're nice to someone to their face and
then talking behind their back, and like with that friend,
it would be like, oh, but like she must not
think that about me. Oh she's confiding in me, like, oh,
that's so cool, but she was probably doing it to
me too, right. I think that's a red flag that
(09:15):
I've spotted in like friendships of like I don't want
to be Hey, I'm all for a little gossip, but
I don't want to be like hating on everybody.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
All the time.
Speaker 6 (09:22):
No, I think that's fair. Yeah, I think it's just
like as a person, that just tells me a lot
about the person. Right, You're not the exception right now.
It might be in the honeymoon phase, it might be
the exception. But like if they're saying their mean and
you see that they're mean, it's only going to come
down to like they're gonna be mean to you at
some Yeah, yeah, okay, this next one.
Speaker 12 (09:42):
Hi boy Silver, my name's Veronica. One of the red
flags I feel like I've been overlooking is being love bombed,
because every girl loves to be love bombed and might write.
But most recently, I definitely had a guy who was
like saying all these nice things to me. He was
(10:03):
like fantasizing, like very early on, like the second time
we hung out of like what would it be like
if we had kids, to the point where I was like,
are you love bombing me? And he said no, And
I should have known that, but it hurts and I
(10:24):
felt for agad even though I knew it was happening.
And yeah, that's just one of the red flags that
I feel like I in the moment, I know it's wrong.
But like I can't help but feel all the feelings
of like loving it there.
Speaker 14 (10:38):
Yeah, I want to know how much she was feeding
into it. Yeah, she was more like he was saying
it to her, and she was skeptical, she was low down.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
I love that she was like, you love bothering me.
Speaker 5 (10:52):
That's a green flag on her part, if.
Speaker 6 (10:54):
You can identify that, because I think that's the hardest part, right.
I don't think I've ever been in a situation where
I I realized in that moment, oh my god, I'm
being love bomb It's like always in hindsight after I
get hurt, looking back and like, oh, that's right. They
did suck. This is why. But in that moment, you're like,
oh my god, flowers, you planted this craway.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I feel like love bombing rarely involves thoughtful things, and
it's a lot of just like mental emotional, right, like
obsessive things and like really intense think.
Speaker 6 (11:28):
What they pick up on what you like? Right, If
they're like, oh, she likes things, then sometimes people can
probably be like suckered into the gifts.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
I think it's a lot of the fans showizing though,
it's like a lot of the like you could be
my wife.
Speaker 5 (11:41):
I could have your kids. Da da da da dad.
Speaker 6 (11:43):
Like second the date is extreme.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Sorry, the second date would be crazy if somebody was like,
I don't want that. But something I do think about
dating now is like, could I have this guy's kids.
Speaker 6 (11:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 9 (11:57):
I think it's a natural thing to like think that,
to think ahead, especially for women when we're like playing right,
I definitely am guilty of like even just a crush
being like.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Well like if we had kids, then he.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
Would be like this.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
That maybe you should try it.
Speaker 6 (12:13):
Last name sounds on me.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
Okay, ultimately red flag, but ultimately it's a little bit
fun to do sometimes, you know the.
Speaker 9 (12:23):
Great I also think when I say I want a
little bit of chaos, I actually do want to like
indulge in that a little bit.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I think you because I tend I tend to be
like her.
Speaker 9 (12:31):
I'm very skeptical and like if someone's doing that to me,
I'm like, no, this isn't real, Like get over yourself,
like you're confused.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
But I think that's also a bit of a self defense.
Speaker 6 (12:41):
It has to do with maybe like the two people
being in sync, right, like if they're more into you
and it feels like they're bombing you that that's like
too much. But if you're as into them at the
same time, and you guys are just on the right
path into them.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
But I'd only met them for like an hour. The
person I'm thinking of, Okay, it's.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Extreme me and this guy that I've been seeing for
the past week, are you?
Speaker 5 (13:07):
And then he talked about having kids. He's also twenty four.
Speaker 15 (13:15):
Yeah four world, Okay, I know, Okay, next Okay.
Speaker 7 (13:41):
Hi ladies, my name is Bren. I have so many
red flags that I have previously ignored. But one of
the red flags that I did not ignore was when
I went on a date with a co worker. Within
the date, he told me he's not gay, he's a homosexual,
(14:04):
which hello, what. The second thing, he was of Latin
or Hispanic descent, and this was around the time of
the twenty sixteen election, and he was like, build the wall,
like literally chanting that at a small intimate dinner table loudly,
(14:25):
build the wall, Build the wall. But most concerning thing
that happened we got on the conversation of sleep and
he asked me what I wear to bed, and I
was like, I don't sleep with many clothes on. When
I go to bed and he was like, oh wow,
that's so hot. And I was like, what do you
(14:46):
wear to bed? And he was like, well, I don't
sleep much. And I was like, oh, why is that?
And he says, well, this is typically more of a
third date kind of share. But I trust you. I
was cursed by my grandmother in the womb with insomnia,
and I get a vision of my grandmother anytime I
(15:08):
feel this heavy feeling and I get over on the
side of the road or find the nearest place I
can to go to sleep, because when I see a
vision of my grandmother, I get cursed with sleep for
eight hours. Thank god, I was smart enough to be like,
you know what, No, that's going to cross the line.
(15:30):
Grandmother's curse. Can't do that.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
I think this man has an ecolepsy.
Speaker 4 (15:40):
There's a lot going solid eight hours blessings, But.
Speaker 6 (15:53):
That's my question.
Speaker 8 (15:54):
Why is the grandmother cursing her future crew.
Speaker 6 (15:59):
That's a friend.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
Oh God, It's like, yeah, I remember trauma happening at
this table.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
But I feel like we can't comment on like that.
Speaker 5 (16:08):
Two men are on a date. One man is saying
he's not gay.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
He's homosexual, and what the that's something we got.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Those weren't the ones that got it. Wasn't that on
that but the curse.
Speaker 7 (16:23):
No.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
I'm so proud of Brents, and I'm proud that he
went on the date. Are you I guess so I
already went on the date because.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
Like you know, it's something I keep saying, what the
hell go for it?
Speaker 6 (16:34):
But if they're seemingly nice, normal, you go on the
date and this sleep conversation comes up on the second date,
what would you say? Everything else seems great.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Weirdly, the sleep conversation is the one I could get over.
Oh yeah, well like that.
Speaker 8 (16:48):
That's kind of just like a can't sleep and.
Speaker 6 (16:50):
They have to pull over on the side of the
road when they see their grandmother.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
A vision.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Solid. I would kind I would like to see this
in action. I'd be like, can I get you? Can
I get you a sleep doctor?
Speaker 6 (17:05):
You want to say, sorry, mister wedding, he got tired
and we want the.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Altar because a vision of his grandmother.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Okay, well, proud of him ultimately, yes, red flags all
around around.
Speaker 16 (17:26):
Next collar, Hey, hope, I'm jen I'm a therapist and
found myself in a narcissistic relationship. Ignoring so many red flags.
But you know, I think so many people either see
a red flag and run from it or they collect
them like a bouquet. And I think, honestly, red flags
(17:50):
are gifts if we use them correctly. Because while I
could have looked at this person and pointed out a
million things that I found, or I could look at
myself and ask myself like why did love bombing feels
so good? Why did triangulation feel normal? And I think
this is where the gifts of reflex comn.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
I love her.
Speaker 6 (18:13):
I love that she called it is very interesting that
she's a therapist.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
What I mean, do y'all have an answer to that
of like, what have the red flags that you've ignored
taught you about yourself?
Speaker 6 (18:25):
I think I allowed lusting and infatuation obsession to take over.
I mean it really just clouded everything. And so I
literally have had one time somebody full on say I
remember it was a very casual conversation where I'm like,
have you cheated before? Yeah? And they said it with
(18:46):
like no shame, no hesitation. Yeah. And then you know,
they told me the story and I'm like okay, And
of course they're trying to like rationalize why they did,
and you're like, oh, I like you so much.
Speaker 5 (18:56):
Okay, I'm gonna start asking people out on the first date.
Speaker 6 (18:59):
Honestly, should have left right then. It got the crazy
guy that was the guy who cheated on me dozens
of times. Oh my god. But I always thought, you know,
like not with me.
Speaker 5 (19:10):
Or what does that show you? What does that teach
you about yourself?
Speaker 3 (19:14):
Is it like not taking people for their word.
Speaker 9 (19:16):
I think that's something I'm working on right now, maybe
of like you know, when someone says I'm not ready
for a relationship, they're actually not.
Speaker 6 (19:23):
Yeah, I think it was like that I could fix them,
that i'd be the right person. Oh just wait, And
looking back in hindsight, like I should have pumped the
brakes right then and there well and not get more involved.
But I absolutely just ignored it and was like that
was a one time thing. I don't think it'll happen again.
Speaker 4 (19:41):
What's that cliche that's like listen to people and they'll
tell you who you are or whatever or who they are.
Speaker 6 (19:47):
Really butchered that, I mean, it's just in plain sight.
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, how are you what are
you thinking?
Speaker 9 (19:55):
I think I fall a red flag I fall for
is emotionally unavailable, but I think it's and I can
fix something. I think it's like, oh, I'll get I'll
get them to open up.
Speaker 8 (20:04):
And then the challenge.
Speaker 9 (20:06):
Yeah, exactly what strategic question can I ask that you
tell me about?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (20:15):
Okay, next, Okay, thisn's a dooozy.
Speaker 5 (20:18):
Hold on, Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Hey, this is hunter. I've definitely ignored some red flags.
Holy shit, have I ignored red flags? And likely every relationship,
but this last one was really the one that sunk
at home. So I met Marshall six months after I
broke up with my four year relationship fifteen year age gaps,
(20:46):
but honestly, there was a whole hell of a lot
so mined and we were both able to acknowledge the
inherent power dynamic that can come with a large age
gap and really have deep, meaningful conversation and respected boundaries
across the board about like my experience as a young
woman is different than his experience at that stage of
(21:07):
life that he has had as a mouse, So that
when I asked for advice, he was willing to give it,
but it wasn't something that he would offer freely for
the sake of allowing me to have my own life experience.
They were really good for a little while. About three
months into the relationship, I got genital herpes from him. No,
(21:33):
despite going through the appropriate motions in life and looking
at their paperwork and having honest conversations about protection, he
didn't know he how to. His tests were negative, and
then even after retesting, they were negative. I'll never understand
how that came about, but he was the only person
(21:55):
that I was seeing, the only new person into the
dying Can.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
I pause it.
Speaker 4 (22:02):
People are really judgmental about herpes, and honestly, it's not
that big of a deal. Just want to make that
bland and statement, like I understand how much sadness she
must have felt when she got that diagnosis, like, of course,
but like a lot of people have herpes regardless.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
He told me that he was really trying to accept
this and to roll with this new thing that had
happened in our life. And granted, I, oh, I fucking
get it. Neither one of us wanted to be dealing
with something like that three months into a new relationship,
so we we skept seeing each other. I moved in
with him, but you know, he told me. He didn't
(22:37):
want that shit on his face, and I knew in
that what so he felt that way about himself having
herpees That's exactly how he felt about me having it,
and I wasn't willing to build a life with someone
who was that uncomfortable with me. I still lived with
him for like a year after this, and we had
(23:00):
really amicable life, like deep conversation, We cooked together, we
remodeled the bedroom together, but we never touched ever again.
After that, he went back and started seeing his ex
within a few months of me ending the relationship. And
I think that was the hardest part of this breakup,
(23:23):
was that I broke my own heart technically, Like sure
he did harmful things, but I'm the one who ended
the relationship. I'm the one who decided to step away,
and it was just incredibly difficult. The red flags just
kind of kept coming in. And you know, why say
(23:45):
you want to build a life with someone when you
can't take a small risk with them.
Speaker 5 (23:48):
It's just like now she caught Its really sad.
Speaker 6 (23:54):
I just wish she less after that rather than stick
around for a year.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
That's something I'm thinking, is like an hunter, this is
no shade, but It's like you can identify the power dynamic,
and that doesn't totally mean that it's not like fully
taking over the relationship. I'm sort of wondering, like, Okay,
did we continue to live together because he was fifteen
years older and he was paying rent? Like was there
(24:21):
a financial power dynamic involved? Like where is her? What
is her family system? Like, I'm wondering like did he
become that sort of family system? Like I'm so familiar
with that experience.
Speaker 6 (24:34):
What are your thoughts about moving in with somebody?
Speaker 5 (24:36):
I have never lived with a partner either.
Speaker 9 (24:39):
It scares me how quickly people move in together in
a city like New York.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
I'll move in with someone when I think I'm going
to marry that I think I'm so.
Speaker 6 (24:46):
I considered it at.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
One point, right, Yeah, and he never wanted to move
in together, and I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 6 (24:52):
That that was a good thing. I think that's fair.
Speaker 9 (24:54):
I think people rush into things way too quickly for
the financial split the apartment which is targe like, yeah,
it's hard to tell them not to cut I mean,
this is my soapbox.
Speaker 7 (25:05):
One.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
Bedrooms in New York are priced for couples. They are
not priced for single people.
Speaker 9 (25:09):
Even two bedrooms are priced for like one couple who
needs a little office and that's not a bedroom. Like
real estate is skewed towards couples and as single people
are struggling.
Speaker 13 (25:19):
Say it, Emily, Hey, my name is Rachel. My red
(25:40):
flag that I ignored was on the first date with this
man that literally everybody who knew him told me not.
Speaker 10 (25:46):
To go on a date with.
Speaker 13 (25:48):
He got me arrested for publican talks, but he ran
from the cops.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
I was an innocent my standard really, And then.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
After I got out of jail with him, I still
dated him for a little bit.
Speaker 5 (26:03):
After that they were bonded. They were bonded.
Speaker 8 (26:06):
How were they bonded when he runs from her?
Speaker 5 (26:08):
Did they both get arrested?
Speaker 3 (26:12):
This also bringing a new meaning to cuffing season?
Speaker 6 (26:15):
God, but like no, they were both publicly intoxicate.
Speaker 9 (26:20):
She got around one a piece of ship.
Speaker 5 (26:24):
What a bitch ass loser.
Speaker 6 (26:26):
Right, but she still went out with him the bar.
Speaker 5 (26:30):
I mean, I'd probably do the same thing. I'm not
even trying to judge her for that. Yeah, I would
absolutely do that. Let me go to my man, Come on.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
No.
Speaker 6 (26:39):
Joke, Okay, last one.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Last summer I was seeing a guy who we've seen
each other like twice. It was fine.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
He was an average dude, total neither.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
But we finally were sleeping together and we decided to
mess around. He's kind of freaking the sheet. He likes
butt stuff, I know, personally not my thing, not that
that matters to this story, but.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
What is going to happen to her?
Speaker 6 (27:09):
Asshole?
Speaker 5 (27:12):
No events, hopefully nothing not bad, okay.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
And that's not a red flag. It is, honestly kind
of a green flag for me. But the red flag
was immediately after we got done doing the nasty he
turns over but still naked and in the air, and
he starts weeping, and I said, well, I didn't say anything. Actually,
I kind of just sat there in silence for probably
(27:38):
a solid minute, because what do you do?
Speaker 12 (27:40):
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (27:41):
What the fuck do you do? And I said, are
you okay? And he said, I'm so sorry. I just
can't stop thinking about how much my stepdad really fucking
hates me. That was the only time that I saw him.
I saw him two more times after that. Ignore that friend,
(28:02):
Oh he ghosted me. I should I should say. The
story is that I didn't cut things off with him.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
That's all. I love that girl.
Speaker 5 (28:27):
That is so mean to be the one who gets
ghosting me. He sucks, like and that is the.
Speaker 4 (28:34):
Moral of this story, is that really girls will ignore
red and be like, I don't like this dude.
Speaker 5 (28:40):
He's saying weird stuff to me. Weird stuff is happening.
Speaker 8 (28:43):
Let's keep going.
Speaker 9 (28:45):
I can also like going back to my ship. I
could be like, oh, he's being so emotional. I can
him daddy issue, we can talk about it.
Speaker 5 (28:56):
And also let's just clarify it is not what was
being done to her her asshole.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
It was his asshole. Also, he could have just been like.
Speaker 10 (29:08):
Crying, what is his stepdad?
Speaker 6 (29:22):
I'm worried about him.
Speaker 5 (29:23):
I'm worried about him too. That sucks, dude. And then
here's the question.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
Is he gonna go around terrorizing women because he can't
like go to therapy, like, be like he needs to
get some therapy. I think, I mean, don't we all
me too desperately? Oh wait, so red or green flag?
Speaker 6 (29:44):
Okay, what's the question. The guy starts crying after sex,
red flag, green flag?
Speaker 11 (29:53):
It depends, I know, like girls don't something doesn't happen
to guys sometimes, don't that a chronic illness.
Speaker 5 (30:04):
Ever cried after sex with me?
Speaker 8 (30:09):
Is that a red flag or a green flag?
Speaker 6 (30:11):
Dude?
Speaker 4 (30:12):
I mean like if a man is like that was
so good, like the emotional release of it, it's just like,
thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (30:22):
But this sounds like it wasn't about sounds like he
was triggered, he was deeply ashamed of himself.
Speaker 6 (30:28):
I think it's like my biggest takeaway is that girls
needle to start raising the bar or all the more
we cannot settling.
Speaker 4 (30:39):
We cannot keep because I think it's not just like
I need to fix the mentality. There's a mix of things.
It's like it's better than being alone being with someone,
like sex, If you're having sex with a person, it's
really easy to ignore red flags because you're like, this
is awesome. Sex is awesome. I don't have to think
about anything. It's such a beautiful time to disassociate.
Speaker 6 (30:59):
If the sex is good, Yeah, it's it's bad.
Speaker 5 (31:02):
Like I don't have to look at my phone for
forty five minutes.
Speaker 4 (31:08):
But it is just like a distracting thing. And then
there's like maybe it is just like it's better than
being alone. Mentality that keeps us hanging on what do
y'all think.
Speaker 6 (31:20):
I think it's the eye can fix that.
Speaker 8 (31:22):
He seems like he's opening up to her. Maybe she
saw it like, oh I could fix him, like.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
Help him, like talk about his emotions and be real.
And the ass is.
Speaker 8 (31:31):
Up, nake.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
I keep, I keep forgetting the position.
Speaker 6 (31:38):
My God, do not settle for these men who are
not ready.
Speaker 5 (31:43):
Here's just the.
Speaker 4 (31:43):
Thing about these dudes that it's like, you really cannot
be taking your shit out on all the girls around
you like that.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
Why are you doing that?
Speaker 4 (31:52):
Like that's not fun for any.
Speaker 9 (31:55):
Men are just so desperate to be close to someone
because they don't think that they can open up to
their friends.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Like they're like, so.
Speaker 4 (32:05):
We already have enough ship they don't know, and that's
a societal thing.
Speaker 5 (32:09):
That's the patriarchy hurting us all.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
So I'm like, you know, there's a lot about masculinity
and ship like that that like dudes need to figure out.
But it's just like that's not helping anybody, and like
you're not gonna find who you want if you're like
I don't know, yeah, just sort of using women like that.
(32:31):
I feel bad that I laughed so hard at that story.
Speaker 5 (32:37):
For both of them.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
We have a lot of people to call back.
Speaker 5 (32:40):
I know we're gonna have to call everyone back.
Speaker 8 (32:44):
Thanks for having us.
Speaker 5 (32:47):
This is real. This is so we're all experts on
dating because we're.
Speaker 6 (32:53):
Just doing it.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
I'm such an amateur, but yeah, god, all right.
Speaker 9 (32:58):
We're always learning, learning and unlearning and on learning classically.
Speaker 4 (33:05):
Ray, Thank you everyone who called in with your stories. Honestly,
they made me feel way less crazy. We're falling for
the same stuff out there, and I hope listening to
this and talking about them will help us protect ourselves
in the future. But sometimes I guess you do have
to live through the red flags to learn your lessons.
Speaker 5 (33:27):
That's what I'm telling myself.
Speaker 4 (33:28):
I guess until next time, talk to you all next week.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
Boysover is a production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host, Hopewordard.
Speaker 4 (33:49):
Our executive producers are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. Our
supervising producer is Emily Meronoff. Our assistant producer is Logan Palau.
Engineer by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering by Abu Zafar.
If you liked this episode, please tell a friend and
don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to boy sober
(34:12):
on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, and wherever you get
your favorite shows.
I would say the number one red flag I always
ignore is love.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Sammy Mama's boy, a man who is basically in love
with his mother. Another red flag that I consistently ignore
is unemployment.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
That I love you twice the entire few years. He
wanted an open relationship, but then was upset that I
was having sex with other men.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
He introduced me to his mother like two weeks into
us seeing.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
Each other musicians, that's good, don't I don't care to elaborate.
Everyone has their own idea of what red flags are,
whether that's founded in truth or stems from old wounds.
Today we're getting into what people are looking out for
and how we can protect ourselves. I'm hope what are
(01:00):
and welcome to boys over a space where we're learning
and on learning all the myths we're taught about love
and relationships?
Speaker 5 (01:18):
Are we recording Yay?
Speaker 4 (01:21):
A couple weeks ago I got into the studio with
my producers Christina and Emily to try something new.
Speaker 6 (01:27):
Do we want to start in some way?
Speaker 7 (01:29):
Well?
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Hope you're the hosts oh Am, I this one.
Speaker 5 (01:34):
We're here to talk about red flags.
Speaker 4 (01:37):
For a while now, we've been asking you to send
in your calls about red flags and listeners.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
You delivered so many great insights and juicy stories that
we decided to dedicate a whole episode to listening to
your calls.
Speaker 5 (01:51):
Emily, Christina, Welcome to Boyce SOB.
Speaker 8 (01:54):
Thank you for having us.
Speaker 5 (01:55):
Do you want to introduce yourselves? I'm Christina and I'm Emily,
and this is kind of the Boysover team.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
This is we are.
Speaker 5 (02:03):
It was also but he who's kind of a core
member as well. Y, Yeah, he's.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Really a core member.
Speaker 6 (02:07):
He's one of the girls.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
We're here to talk about some red flags. We had
some collins, which we're really excited to listen to. Yes,
before we listen to the stories, let's go over where
we all are in romance, in dating, in our love lives,
so we can lay the groundwork for what kind of
perspective we're.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
Bringing to the table.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
You all hear my the downfalls of my dating life
all the time. Emily and I would you say we're
in we're in similar places trying to find love. Yeah,
you're on hinge.
Speaker 5 (02:42):
I'm not on hinge.
Speaker 6 (02:43):
Yeah, hope, it's trying to.
Speaker 9 (02:44):
Be I feel like you're exploring to explore still I
feel like I also need to explore.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
But I am. I am searching for a relationship.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
But we decided something about you in the last couple
of weeks. What you need a little more pleasure, a
little more chaos in your life?
Speaker 6 (03:02):
Yeah, I think you think she needs more chaos.
Speaker 10 (03:05):
Yeah, I actually think I kind of think chaos is
I'm totally chaos.
Speaker 9 (03:08):
Ag Well, in the red Flat conversation, I think sometimes
I get a little too scared off by the smallest thing.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
I think I need to like take risks and go
for things. Okay, I think that might be one of
the problems I've identified.
Speaker 6 (03:19):
Do you feel like you're picky?
Speaker 5 (03:21):
Yeah? Really?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
Okay, I don't think that's a bad thing.
Speaker 6 (03:25):
No, I don't think that's a bad thing.
Speaker 9 (03:26):
No, No, you know, but it's to the point where
I'm like, oh, if something's not going to work out,
I won't go for it.
Speaker 5 (03:30):
Yeah. What are you doing, Christina?
Speaker 6 (03:32):
What am I doing with dating?
Speaker 3 (03:33):
What's your what's what's your relationship status?
Speaker 6 (03:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 9 (03:36):
What's your Facebook status?
Speaker 6 (03:39):
Married?
Speaker 11 (03:40):
Married?
Speaker 6 (03:41):
Married?
Speaker 5 (03:41):
For how many years?
Speaker 6 (03:43):
One?
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (03:43):
My gosh, that only been one year?
Speaker 6 (03:45):
Yeah, year and a half.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
Oh wow?
Speaker 6 (03:47):
Okay, I thought I'm a millennial so my perspective on
some of these things are a little different from you, right, right,
That's what makes us a fun bunch.
Speaker 5 (03:57):
It doesn't gives us good insight.
Speaker 4 (03:59):
And I good at noticing a red flag and listening
to it and getting.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Out of there. No, but who is?
Speaker 6 (04:07):
Yeah, what about y'all? I think what the service level
red flags like when you are on a dating app.
Those are much easier to spot when you're like, oh,
too many shirtless selfie photos, says, not looking for anything serious?
Speaker 4 (04:22):
Yes, still figuring it out? Still, I think that's a
red flag. Went on Hinge the thing says like, still
figuring out figuring Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Right, figuring out my relationship type I saw.
Speaker 9 (04:33):
No, I was on Hinge last night and some and
someone had listed both monogamy and non monogamy like pick one. Literally,
if you don't want to be monogamous, own up to it.
Speaker 5 (04:44):
Is an it the same thing as a red flag.
Speaker 6 (04:47):
No.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
I think you can get over an ach.
Speaker 6 (04:49):
You can get over an eck, especially if you like
the person.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
You know, this guy he tickled me, which usually gives
me the.
Speaker 6 (04:56):
What cereal outside inside?
Speaker 8 (05:00):
So you're disgusting?
Speaker 10 (05:04):
I meant you.
Speaker 5 (05:10):
Put your fingers away.
Speaker 6 (05:13):
I mean at the bar or like when you're getting intimate.
Speaker 5 (05:17):
And in your house or at the bar.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Yeah, both actually, and it didn't make me mad both
times because you liked them.
Speaker 5 (05:24):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 6 (05:25):
It's different where I was like, oh, wow.
Speaker 5 (05:27):
Really, you don't gets if you like a person.
Speaker 6 (05:29):
Yes, like that's and and then the longer you're with
that person, then you'll develop them.
Speaker 5 (05:34):
And you start to hate them.
Speaker 6 (05:35):
But then you just just accept them, or maybe you
did start danging and then you're like this is an ick,
but then you really do like them. You're kind of like, Okay.
So we have a lot of calls, yay, and I've
gone through them all and I have picked some of
the best ones and so I'm going to play them
for you guys. Okay, So here is the first one.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Hey, it's Hannah. I am Queen of annoying my flags.
Like I have both colored glasses on. There are pink
to me, and I love the color pink. But I
think the one that I like ignored the most in
my last relationship is she was mean, oh my.
Speaker 12 (06:09):
God, other people not to me.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
So I was like, oh, it's fine, she's so sweet
to me, but she would be really, really not kind
to like a lot of people around her, and I
like convinced myself that, like, oh, she's just like a
little ruff around the edges.
Speaker 6 (06:23):
No.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Then she ended up being very very mean to me as.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Well, and I was like, shit, I should have known,
because she's been saying she's a not nice girl from
the beginning.
Speaker 13 (06:31):
She would literally say I'm not nice.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
I had a girl telling me I'm not nice, and
I was like, no, it's fine, that's not a red flag,
like very very delusional.
Speaker 6 (06:40):
So, yeah, someone who was not nice to other people
but is nice to tea, you're still red flag. Yeah,
Because but here's the thing is, I do think for
some reason, there is something kind of hot about that.
Like when somebody is like kind of an asshole to
everybody else, but then they're like very sweet to you.
Speaker 5 (06:56):
You're like, ooh, I get to see their sweet side
because they love me so much.
Speaker 9 (07:00):
Yeah, but he has an ulterior motive, yes, and that's
how he's treating other people.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
It's like it's kind of see.
Speaker 6 (07:08):
So you see when someone's like being mean to someone
now potentially even hurting their feelings, you think, like that's
a good thing.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
I haven't dated like and when I think about someone
being an asshole, I don't think someone like being mean.
Speaker 6 (07:19):
Okay, if it's a guy who's like not polite to
their server at a restaurant, that's the whole.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
Hold different thing, whole different thing. But an asshold to
a waiter, that's like being impolite.
Speaker 5 (07:33):
But if someone's like.
Speaker 6 (07:35):
Not being nice to their brother or their mother, I
think those.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
Two things are related.
Speaker 6 (07:39):
I agree with you there, kindness. Yeah, I think how
you treat a server, well, yeah, should not be any
different from how you treat another person. You shouldn't. You
shouldn't be mean to a stranger on the street just
because you had a bad day.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
I guess what I think of like mean. I don't
really think of like sinister. I just maybe think of
someone who's not.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Like I'm thinking.
Speaker 9 (08:03):
I'm thinking of like the curmudgeonly like type like ray
fam girls.
Speaker 6 (08:08):
Yes, I was just like nice.
Speaker 10 (08:12):
You know, well we're wrong.
Speaker 9 (08:13):
Okay, But it takes Shashana being like I can't be
the only thing you like it it's too much. It's
like a great cloud, it's like over you and like
you can't be the only bright spot.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That's too much pressure for someone, too.
Speaker 6 (08:24):
Right, but like Hannah is saying this person was just
mean to everybody, I.
Speaker 5 (08:28):
Would like, let's say, okay, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6 (08:32):
If they're being mean to other people, I would think,
like someone's holding the door for you, you're not you're just
walking by. You're not even saying thank you, or you
don't say excuse me. Or if they at a restaurant
that bothers me is when they say give me a coke,
give me a this, Oh that drives me crazy, Like.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
Yes, this could be something I could not ignore, Like
if somebody was mean like that.
Speaker 9 (08:52):
And making this more gender neutral, like I have a
lot of female friends that I have had falling out
with who were like mean in a really funny way
where like you're nice to someone to their face and
then talking behind their back, and like with that friend,
it would be like, oh, but like she must not
think that about me. Oh she's confiding in me, like, oh,
that's so cool, but she was probably doing it to
me too, right. I think that's a red flag that
(09:15):
I've spotted in like friendships of like I don't want
to be Hey, I'm all for a little gossip, but
I don't want to be like hating on everybody.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
All the time.
Speaker 6 (09:22):
No, I think that's fair. Yeah, I think it's just
like as a person, that just tells me a lot
about the person. Right, You're not the exception right now.
It might be in the honeymoon phase, it might be
the exception. But like if they're saying their mean and
you see that they're mean, it's only going to come
down to like they're gonna be mean to you at
some Yeah, yeah, okay, this next one.
Speaker 12 (09:42):
Hi boy Silver, my name's Veronica. One of the red
flags I feel like I've been overlooking is being love bombed,
because every girl loves to be love bombed and might write.
But most recently, I definitely had a guy who was
like saying all these nice things to me. He was
(10:03):
like fantasizing, like very early on, like the second time
we hung out of like what would it be like
if we had kids, to the point where I was like,
are you love bombing me? And he said no, And
I should have known that, but it hurts and I
(10:24):
felt for agad even though I knew it was happening.
And yeah, that's just one of the red flags that
I feel like I in the moment, I know it's wrong.
But like I can't help but feel all the feelings
of like loving it there.
Speaker 14 (10:38):
Yeah, I want to know how much she was feeding
into it. Yeah, she was more like he was saying
it to her, and she was skeptical, she was low down.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
I love that she was like, you love bothering me.
Speaker 5 (10:52):
That's a green flag on her part, if.
Speaker 6 (10:54):
You can identify that, because I think that's the hardest part, right.
I don't think I've ever been in a situation where
I I realized in that moment, oh my god, I'm
being love bomb It's like always in hindsight after I
get hurt, looking back and like, oh, that's right. They
did suck. This is why. But in that moment, you're like,
oh my god, flowers, you planted this craway.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
I feel like love bombing rarely involves thoughtful things, and
it's a lot of just like mental emotional, right, like
obsessive things and like really intense think.
Speaker 6 (11:28):
What they pick up on what you like? Right, If
they're like, oh, she likes things, then sometimes people can
probably be like suckered into the gifts.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
I think it's a lot of the fans showizing though,
it's like a lot of the like you could be
my wife.
Speaker 5 (11:41):
I could have your kids. Da da da da dad.
Speaker 6 (11:43):
Like second the date is extreme.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Sorry, the second date would be crazy if somebody was like,
I don't want that. But something I do think about
dating now is like, could I have this guy's kids.
Speaker 6 (11:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 9 (11:57):
I think it's a natural thing to like think that,
to think ahead, especially for women when we're like playing right,
I definitely am guilty of like even just a crush
being like.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Well like if we had kids, then he.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
Would be like this.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
That maybe you should try it.
Speaker 6 (12:13):
Last name sounds on me.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
Okay, ultimately red flag, but ultimately it's a little bit
fun to do sometimes, you know the.
Speaker 9 (12:23):
Great I also think when I say I want a
little bit of chaos, I actually do want to like
indulge in that a little bit.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I think you because I tend I tend to be
like her.
Speaker 9 (12:31):
I'm very skeptical and like if someone's doing that to me,
I'm like, no, this isn't real, Like get over yourself,
like you're confused.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
But I think that's also a bit of a self defense.
Speaker 6 (12:41):
It has to do with maybe like the two people
being in sync, right, like if they're more into you
and it feels like they're bombing you that that's like
too much. But if you're as into them at the
same time, and you guys are just on the right
path into them.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
But I'd only met them for like an hour. The
person I'm thinking of, Okay, it's.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
Extreme me and this guy that I've been seeing for
the past week, are you?
Speaker 5 (13:07):
And then he talked about having kids. He's also twenty four.
Speaker 15 (13:15):
Yeah four world, Okay, I know, Okay, next Okay.
Speaker 7 (13:41):
Hi ladies, my name is Bren. I have so many
red flags that I have previously ignored. But one of
the red flags that I did not ignore was when
I went on a date with a co worker. Within
the date, he told me he's not gay, he's a homosexual,
(14:04):
which hello, what. The second thing, he was of Latin
or Hispanic descent, and this was around the time of
the twenty sixteen election, and he was like, build the wall,
like literally chanting that at a small intimate dinner table loudly,
(14:25):
build the wall, Build the wall. But most concerning thing
that happened we got on the conversation of sleep and
he asked me what I wear to bed, and I
was like, I don't sleep with many clothes on. When
I go to bed and he was like, oh wow,
that's so hot. And I was like, what do you
(14:46):
wear to bed? And he was like, well, I don't
sleep much. And I was like, oh, why is that?
And he says, well, this is typically more of a
third date kind of share. But I trust you. I
was cursed by my grandmother in the womb with insomnia,
and I get a vision of my grandmother anytime I
(15:08):
feel this heavy feeling and I get over on the
side of the road or find the nearest place I
can to go to sleep, because when I see a
vision of my grandmother, I get cursed with sleep for
eight hours. Thank god, I was smart enough to be like,
you know what, No, that's going to cross the line.
(15:30):
Grandmother's curse. Can't do that.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
I think this man has an ecolepsy.
Speaker 4 (15:40):
There's a lot going solid eight hours blessings, But.
Speaker 6 (15:53):
That's my question.
Speaker 8 (15:54):
Why is the grandmother cursing her future crew.
Speaker 6 (15:59):
That's a friend.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
Oh God, It's like, yeah, I remember trauma happening at
this table.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
But I feel like we can't comment on like that.
Speaker 5 (16:08):
Two men are on a date. One man is saying
he's not gay.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
He's homosexual, and what the that's something we got.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Those weren't the ones that got it. Wasn't that on
that but the curse.
Speaker 7 (16:23):
No.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
I'm so proud of Brents, and I'm proud that he
went on the date. Are you I guess so I
already went on the date because.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
Like you know, it's something I keep saying, what the
hell go for it?
Speaker 6 (16:34):
But if they're seemingly nice, normal, you go on the
date and this sleep conversation comes up on the second date,
what would you say? Everything else seems great.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Weirdly, the sleep conversation is the one I could get over.
Oh yeah, well like that.
Speaker 8 (16:48):
That's kind of just like a can't sleep and.
Speaker 6 (16:50):
They have to pull over on the side of the
road when they see their grandmother.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
A vision.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Solid. I would kind I would like to see this
in action. I'd be like, can I get you? Can
I get you a sleep doctor?
Speaker 6 (17:05):
You want to say, sorry, mister wedding, he got tired
and we want the.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Altar because a vision of his grandmother.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Okay, well, proud of him ultimately, yes, red flags all
around around.
Speaker 16 (17:26):
Next collar, Hey, hope, I'm jen I'm a therapist and
found myself in a narcissistic relationship. Ignoring so many red flags.
But you know, I think so many people either see
a red flag and run from it or they collect
them like a bouquet. And I think, honestly, red flags
(17:50):
are gifts if we use them correctly. Because while I
could have looked at this person and pointed out a
million things that I found, or I could look at
myself and ask myself like why did love bombing feels
so good? Why did triangulation feel normal? And I think
this is where the gifts of reflex comn.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
I love her.
Speaker 6 (18:13):
I love that she called it is very interesting that
she's a therapist.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
What I mean, do y'all have an answer to that
of like, what have the red flags that you've ignored
taught you about yourself?
Speaker 6 (18:25):
I think I allowed lusting and infatuation obsession to take over.
I mean it really just clouded everything. And so I
literally have had one time somebody full on say I
remember it was a very casual conversation where I'm like,
have you cheated before? Yeah? And they said it with
(18:46):
like no shame, no hesitation. Yeah. And then you know,
they told me the story and I'm like okay, And
of course they're trying to like rationalize why they did,
and you're like, oh, I like you so much.
Speaker 5 (18:56):
Okay, I'm gonna start asking people out on the first date.
Speaker 6 (18:59):
Honestly, should have left right then. It got the crazy
guy that was the guy who cheated on me dozens
of times. Oh my god. But I always thought, you know,
like not with me.
Speaker 5 (19:10):
Or what does that show you? What does that teach
you about yourself?
Speaker 3 (19:14):
Is it like not taking people for their word.
Speaker 9 (19:16):
I think that's something I'm working on right now, maybe
of like you know, when someone says I'm not ready
for a relationship, they're actually not.
Speaker 6 (19:23):
Yeah, I think it was like that I could fix them,
that i'd be the right person. Oh just wait, And
looking back in hindsight, like I should have pumped the
brakes right then and there well and not get more involved.
But I absolutely just ignored it and was like that
was a one time thing. I don't think it'll happen again.
Speaker 4 (19:41):
What's that cliche that's like listen to people and they'll
tell you who you are or whatever or who they are.
Speaker 6 (19:47):
Really butchered that, I mean, it's just in plain sight.
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, how are you what are
you thinking?
Speaker 9 (19:55):
I think I fall a red flag I fall for
is emotionally unavailable, but I think it's and I can
fix something. I think it's like, oh, I'll get I'll
get them to open up.
Speaker 8 (20:04):
And then the challenge.
Speaker 9 (20:06):
Yeah, exactly what strategic question can I ask that you
tell me about?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (20:15):
Okay, next, Okay, thisn's a dooozy.
Speaker 5 (20:18):
Hold on, Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Hey, this is hunter. I've definitely ignored some red flags.
Holy shit, have I ignored red flags? And likely every relationship,
but this last one was really the one that sunk
at home. So I met Marshall six months after I
broke up with my four year relationship fifteen year age gaps,
(20:46):
but honestly, there was a whole hell of a lot
so mined and we were both able to acknowledge the
inherent power dynamic that can come with a large age
gap and really have deep, meaningful conversation and respected boundaries
across the board about like my experience as a young
woman is different than his experience at that stage of
(21:07):
life that he has had as a mouse, So that
when I asked for advice, he was willing to give it,
but it wasn't something that he would offer freely for
the sake of allowing me to have my own life experience.
They were really good for a little while. About three
months into the relationship, I got genital herpes from him. No,
(21:33):
despite going through the appropriate motions in life and looking
at their paperwork and having honest conversations about protection, he
didn't know he how to. His tests were negative, and
then even after retesting, they were negative. I'll never understand
how that came about, but he was the only person
(21:55):
that I was seeing, the only new person into the
dying Can.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
I pause it.
Speaker 4 (22:02):
People are really judgmental about herpes, and honestly, it's not
that big of a deal. Just want to make that
bland and statement, like I understand how much sadness she
must have felt when she got that diagnosis, like, of course,
but like a lot of people have herpes regardless.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
He told me that he was really trying to accept
this and to roll with this new thing that had
happened in our life. And granted, I, oh, I fucking
get it. Neither one of us wanted to be dealing
with something like that three months into a new relationship,
so we we skept seeing each other. I moved in
with him, but you know, he told me. He didn't
(22:37):
want that shit on his face, and I knew in
that what so he felt that way about himself having
herpees That's exactly how he felt about me having it,
and I wasn't willing to build a life with someone
who was that uncomfortable with me. I still lived with
him for like a year after this, and we had
(23:00):
really amicable life, like deep conversation, We cooked together, we
remodeled the bedroom together, but we never touched ever again.
After that, he went back and started seeing his ex
within a few months of me ending the relationship. And
I think that was the hardest part of this breakup,
(23:23):
was that I broke my own heart technically, Like sure
he did harmful things, but I'm the one who ended
the relationship. I'm the one who decided to step away,
and it was just incredibly difficult. The red flags just
kind of kept coming in. And you know, why say
(23:45):
you want to build a life with someone when you
can't take a small risk with them.
Speaker 5 (23:48):
It's just like now she caught Its really sad.
Speaker 6 (23:54):
I just wish she less after that rather than stick
around for a year.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
That's something I'm thinking, is like an hunter, this is
no shade, but It's like you can identify the power dynamic,
and that doesn't totally mean that it's not like fully
taking over the relationship. I'm sort of wondering, like, Okay,
did we continue to live together because he was fifteen
years older and he was paying rent? Like was there
(24:21):
a financial power dynamic involved? Like where is her? What
is her family system? Like, I'm wondering like did he
become that sort of family system? Like I'm so familiar
with that experience.
Speaker 6 (24:34):
What are your thoughts about moving in with somebody?
Speaker 5 (24:36):
I have never lived with a partner either.
Speaker 9 (24:39):
It scares me how quickly people move in together in
a city like New York.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
I'll move in with someone when I think I'm going
to marry that I think I'm so.
Speaker 6 (24:46):
I considered it at.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
One point, right, Yeah, and he never wanted to move
in together, and I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 6 (24:52):
That that was a good thing. I think that's fair.
Speaker 9 (24:54):
I think people rush into things way too quickly for
the financial split the apartment which is targe like, yeah,
it's hard to tell them not to cut I mean,
this is my soapbox.
Speaker 7 (25:05):
One.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
Bedrooms in New York are priced for couples. They are
not priced for single people.
Speaker 9 (25:09):
Even two bedrooms are priced for like one couple who
needs a little office and that's not a bedroom. Like
real estate is skewed towards couples and as single people
are struggling.
Speaker 13 (25:19):
Say it, Emily, Hey, my name is Rachel. My red
(25:40):
flag that I ignored was on the first date with this
man that literally everybody who knew him told me not.
Speaker 10 (25:46):
To go on a date with.
Speaker 13 (25:48):
He got me arrested for publican talks, but he ran
from the cops.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
I was an innocent my standard really, And then.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
After I got out of jail with him, I still
dated him for a little bit.
Speaker 5 (26:03):
After that they were bonded. They were bonded.
Speaker 8 (26:06):
How were they bonded when he runs from her?
Speaker 5 (26:08):
Did they both get arrested?
Speaker 3 (26:12):
This also bringing a new meaning to cuffing season?
Speaker 6 (26:15):
God, but like no, they were both publicly intoxicate.
Speaker 9 (26:20):
She got around one a piece of ship.
Speaker 5 (26:24):
What a bitch ass loser.
Speaker 6 (26:26):
Right, but she still went out with him the bar.
Speaker 5 (26:30):
I mean, I'd probably do the same thing. I'm not
even trying to judge her for that. Yeah, I would
absolutely do that. Let me go to my man, Come on.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
No.
Speaker 6 (26:39):
Joke, Okay, last one.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Last summer I was seeing a guy who we've seen
each other like twice. It was fine.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
He was an average dude, total neither.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
But we finally were sleeping together and we decided to
mess around. He's kind of freaking the sheet. He likes
butt stuff, I know, personally not my thing, not that
that matters to this story, but.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
What is going to happen to her?
Speaker 6 (27:09):
Asshole?
Speaker 5 (27:12):
No events, hopefully nothing not bad, okay.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
And that's not a red flag. It is, honestly kind
of a green flag for me. But the red flag
was immediately after we got done doing the nasty he
turns over but still naked and in the air, and
he starts weeping, and I said, well, I didn't say anything. Actually,
I kind of just sat there in silence for probably
(27:38):
a solid minute, because what do you do?
Speaker 12 (27:40):
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (27:41):
What the fuck do you do? And I said, are
you okay? And he said, I'm so sorry. I just
can't stop thinking about how much my stepdad really fucking
hates me. That was the only time that I saw him.
I saw him two more times after that. Ignore that friend,
(28:02):
Oh he ghosted me. I should I should say. The
story is that I didn't cut things off with him.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
That's all. I love that girl.
Speaker 5 (28:27):
That is so mean to be the one who gets
ghosting me. He sucks, like and that is the.
Speaker 4 (28:34):
Moral of this story, is that really girls will ignore
red and be like, I don't like this dude.
Speaker 5 (28:40):
He's saying weird stuff to me. Weird stuff is happening.
Speaker 8 (28:43):
Let's keep going.
Speaker 9 (28:45):
I can also like going back to my ship. I
could be like, oh, he's being so emotional. I can
him daddy issue, we can talk about it.
Speaker 5 (28:56):
And also let's just clarify it is not what was
being done to her her asshole.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
It was his asshole. Also, he could have just been like.
Speaker 10 (29:08):
Crying, what is his stepdad?
Speaker 6 (29:22):
I'm worried about him.
Speaker 5 (29:23):
I'm worried about him too. That sucks, dude. And then
here's the question.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
Is he gonna go around terrorizing women because he can't
like go to therapy, like, be like he needs to
get some therapy. I think, I mean, don't we all
me too desperately? Oh wait, so red or green flag?
Speaker 6 (29:44):
Okay, what's the question. The guy starts crying after sex,
red flag, green flag?
Speaker 11 (29:53):
It depends, I know, like girls don't something doesn't happen
to guys sometimes, don't that a chronic illness.
Speaker 5 (30:04):
Ever cried after sex with me?
Speaker 8 (30:09):
Is that a red flag or a green flag?
Speaker 6 (30:11):
Dude?
Speaker 4 (30:12):
I mean like if a man is like that was
so good, like the emotional release of it, it's just like,
thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (30:22):
But this sounds like it wasn't about sounds like he
was triggered, he was deeply ashamed of himself.
Speaker 6 (30:28):
I think it's like my biggest takeaway is that girls
needle to start raising the bar or all the more
we cannot settling.
Speaker 4 (30:39):
We cannot keep because I think it's not just like
I need to fix the mentality. There's a mix of things.
It's like it's better than being alone being with someone,
like sex, If you're having sex with a person, it's
really easy to ignore red flags because you're like, this
is awesome. Sex is awesome. I don't have to think
about anything. It's such a beautiful time to disassociate.
Speaker 6 (30:59):
If the sex is good, Yeah, it's it's bad.
Speaker 5 (31:02):
Like I don't have to look at my phone for
forty five minutes.
Speaker 4 (31:08):
But it is just like a distracting thing. And then
there's like maybe it is just like it's better than
being alone. Mentality that keeps us hanging on what do
y'all think.
Speaker 6 (31:20):
I think it's the eye can fix that.
Speaker 8 (31:22):
He seems like he's opening up to her. Maybe she
saw it like, oh I could fix him, like.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
Help him, like talk about his emotions and be real.
And the ass is.
Speaker 8 (31:31):
Up, nake.
Speaker 3 (31:34):
I keep, I keep forgetting the position.
Speaker 6 (31:38):
My God, do not settle for these men who are
not ready.
Speaker 5 (31:43):
Here's just the.
Speaker 4 (31:43):
Thing about these dudes that it's like, you really cannot
be taking your shit out on all the girls around
you like that.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
Why are you doing that?
Speaker 4 (31:52):
Like that's not fun for any.
Speaker 9 (31:55):
Men are just so desperate to be close to someone
because they don't think that they can open up to
their friends.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Like they're like, so.
Speaker 4 (32:05):
We already have enough ship they don't know, and that's
a societal thing.
Speaker 5 (32:09):
That's the patriarchy hurting us all.
Speaker 4 (32:11):
So I'm like, you know, there's a lot about masculinity
and ship like that that like dudes need to figure out.
But it's just like that's not helping anybody, and like
you're not gonna find who you want if you're like
I don't know, yeah, just sort of using women like that.
(32:31):
I feel bad that I laughed so hard at that story.
Speaker 5 (32:37):
For both of them.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
We have a lot of people to call back.
Speaker 5 (32:40):
I know we're gonna have to call everyone back.
Speaker 8 (32:44):
Thanks for having us.
Speaker 5 (32:47):
This is real. This is so we're all experts on
dating because we're.
Speaker 6 (32:53):
Just doing it.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
I'm such an amateur, but yeah, god, all right.
Speaker 9 (32:58):
We're always learning, learning and unlearning and on learning classically.
Speaker 4 (33:05):
Ray, Thank you everyone who called in with your stories. Honestly,
they made me feel way less crazy. We're falling for
the same stuff out there, and I hope listening to
this and talking about them will help us protect ourselves
in the future. But sometimes I guess you do have
to live through the red flags to learn your lessons.
Speaker 5 (33:27):
That's what I'm telling myself.
Speaker 4 (33:28):
I guess until next time, talk to you all next week.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
Boysover is a production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host, Hopewordard.
Speaker 4 (33:49):
Our executive producers are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. Our
supervising producer is Emily Meronoff. Our assistant producer is Logan Palau.
Engineer by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering by Abu Zafar.
If you liked this episode, please tell a friend and
don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to boy sober
(34:12):
on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, and wherever you get
your favorite shows.
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