July 30, 2025 • 39 mins
Boysober has never been about giving up sex entirely. It’s about taking a break to understand yourself better. What do you really want? What do you like? And who do you want to do it with? In this episode, Kink Consultant Amanda Dames helps us understand how to explore our own desires and how to improve pleasure in and out of the bedroom.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Foot fetishes, cuckolding, dirty talking, paddling, spanking and punishment, stop masturbating, caning, missionary,
sex bug fetishes, hot wifing, powerplate, impact plate, gigantest fetish.
A lot of men are wearing women's panties. Some men
enjoy wearing chastity cages. I'm kinky. This is what I'm into.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Anything can be a turn on, and this week we're
unlocking our deepest desires. I'm hopewordered and welcome to Boys Over,
a space where we're learning and unlearning all the myths
we're taught about love and relationships. As we've discussed, Voiceover
(00:59):
has never been about just giving up sex. Any period
of time I've spent abstaining from sex has been with
the purpose of coming back to it with more intention
to understand what I really want, what I really like,
and who I really want to experience it with. So
in trying to figure all that out, I want to
(01:20):
talk to some people who can get into the nitty
gritty of what's really out there in the world of sex.
Enter the Kink Consultant. Amanda Dames is a certified sex
and relationship coach who works with people to embrace their
sexuality and explore their own desires. I've never really considered
(01:42):
myself a kinky person, but after talking to Amanda, I
realized that embracing kink is as simple as just understanding
what turns you on. Hi Amanda, Hi, how are you.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I'm doing really well?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Thank good. I would love for you to kind of
introduce yourself. You are a kink consultant. What does that
mean exactly? Like? Walk me through what it looks like
having a kink consultation with someone? Sure?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
So how it works is people find me on social media.
Usually I offer a twenty minute consult where I talk
to them about what it is they're looking for, why
they want to work with a coach, and usually one
or both of the partners want to increase the spiciness
in the bedroom. One of them might be super kinky
or even have a fetish, and they want their partner
to better understand it, and they come to me to
help guide them both through it. So what I do
(02:34):
is I work with clients over maybe ten to twenty sessions.
I work with them individually. I understand and break down
their own wants and desires, and I work with them
to say, like, what are your core desires. What's your
hottest erotic movie? Talk to me about it, and we
basically break it down in a way that they can
communicate to the other person what they're looking for. And
the way I describe it is, you're building a bridge
towards each other. Let's figure out where the bridge needs
(02:56):
to be built, and let's start doing that together.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
What's a kink and what's a fetish? Like, what are
the differences between those things?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Yes, okay, good, that's a great question. A kink is
sort of a nice to have outside of missionary sex
type of thing. So kink is actually a really large spectrum,
and I have this feeling everyone falls on some part
of it, at least a little bit. Like even if
you like hearing good girl during sex, that's kinky. It's
almost anything outside of missionary sex, wow or a China sex.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I know, I am pretty kinky. Yeah, okay, So basically
kink is like a lot broader. It's so.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Yeah, okay, A lot of people don't realize they're kinky
or doing kinky things.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Right, I know. Why do you think that there is
this feeling of like I don't want to say I'm kinky,
and there's maybe this cultural understanding of kink that's taboo. Yeah,
why do you think that is?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Okay? I think that kink because there is so little
education around it, we struggle to understand what it is
and what it isn't. And what I will say is,
if there's not consent and negotiation, it's not kink, it's
just somebody being an asshole. There's so much media shame
around kink and being different. I think we're all taught
to assimilate and just fit in, so anything outside of
(04:08):
that is not okay. I also think that we're puritanical, right,
So anything outside of what is quote unquote normal is wrong, right,
And I think that everything kinky falls under that as well.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Okay, Now, what's the difference with fetish?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
A fetish is a need to have. It's not a
nice to have. It means you've never orgasmed, you've never
achieved it without having that in your life. So, for example,
I have never had an orgasm without thinking about being
disciplined or spanking. So during sex, I'm running a fantasy
in my head, or I need someone dirty talking to
me about it, or I need to have just gone
(04:44):
through a scene where I was punished or spanked.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Okay, with your clients, do you mostly work with couples
or individuals both?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
My business shifts, like right now, I've gotten an influx
of a lot of couples in the last five or
six months, but early on I was really working with individuals.
So I have clients who are submissive men, and they
have hidden this from their partners for a really long time.
Sometimes they want to engage in chastity. Sometimes they want
to be sexually submissive to their wives.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
What's engaging in chastity? Okay?
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So chastity is an enforced way to not have sex.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Okay, Well, I've dabbled. Maybe have you ever put knowing?
I've never put a chastity belt on, but I do
love to say no thank you.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
So some men enjoy wearing chastity cages, and chastity is
really big right.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Now, Orman, Yes, it's all in there.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yeah, it's a cage on their penis.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Actually, I do have a friend whose boyfriend has one.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, it's super common.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
She found out he was cheating on her and made
him wear one.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I love that, and I'm assuming it was consensual. It
was considual. They both really liked it, like he didn't
wake up with a cage on one morning, and.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Honestly, you probably would have loved that. Sure.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
So for a lot of women, we haven't been raised
to take on the leadership position in a partnership. Okay,
there was no Disney princess who was like, I'm in
charge and you're going to do what I say, right,
So I work with a lot of women to say like, Okay,
this is how you can step into your power. This
is how you can step into your dominant energy and
play with this power exchange with your partner. And for
(06:14):
the husband, I really have to sometimes talk him back
a little bit because he's had this fantasy of what
he's wanted, and then I have to remind him you're
in partnership. We're working with your wife or your girlfriend
to be exactly what you want her to be. But
also you have to step up in different ways too.
So I work with both people and the couple.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Do you get to see their life kind of expand
a little like, I'm sure when you're working with an
individual like this entire process, but I'm sure it'd be
really empowering in other ways.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
It absolutely is. I hear them standing up for themselves
at work, they start to pay attention to what they want.
They improve and deepen their friendships with people because they're
able to put up boundaries. That's an interesting one teaching
people boundaries totally, because when I teach them what boundaries are,
I just warn them. I'm like, you're gonna have some
knee jerk reactions. You're going to be feeling this out.
Sometimes you might stretch a little too far and put
up too many boundaries. So you got to navigate this,
(07:03):
And I just warn them this is going to happen.
You just got to go with the flow and be
aware of it and check in with yourself.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Yes, always be checking kink consultant.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Yes, that's the hope.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Something we were talking about is like when to communicate
the kink you want. And I think that, like, if
you're communicating what you want during sex or after sex,
that can be a really difficult and vulnerable time because
absolutely you're in bed and you're naked, and then you
tell them what you want and they say no, Like,
oh my god, You're like so vulnerable, and that rejection
(07:33):
feels so much more intense. So if someone were to
communicate their kinks, when is the best time to do it.
How's the best way to do it? Is it on
a date? Is it in the bedroom? Like? What's your
advice there?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
It depends on how important it is to you. It's
in my dating profiles that I am kinky, right, because
it is one of the most important things to me.
It's obviously ten percent or five percent of who I am,
a little bit more now than I do this work
full time, right, But I bring it up early but
off some times I'll say, if it is part of
your sexual relationship, I would bring it up when you're
discussing sex. And I know a lot of people still
(08:06):
just jump into bed together and there's no discussions beforehand.
But I'd advocate for having a conversation beforehand before you
get into the bedroom together. For sure. For the couples
I work with, I like to recommend that you start
with a conversation, lead with curiosity. You ask your partner, Hey,
are there any fantasies you'd like to explore, and then
that's a perfect segue for you to be able to
introduce your fantasies as well.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I have one good friend who has a difficult sex
life with her husband. Like I've asked for the same thing, like,
what are your fantasies? Have you ever had one? And
she's so like, I don't know, Like I feel like
a lot of women, maybe I've never had the time
or the capacity to really explore that because we so
often are like doing all of the work of the
(08:47):
family and everything. Yeah, So how do you start that
conversation with women? Like how do you bring kinks out
of someone? How does someone discover their kinks?
Speaker 1 (08:55):
I really do that mostly in one on one sessions
with women, where I will say, tell me about the
porn you watch, tell me about what turns you on.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Son't watch porn.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
I don't watch porn either.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Okay, and wow, you don't watch porn either. No, the
kink consultant doesn't watch porn. Why not?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Because my imagination is so much better than anything I
could ever see.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
So would you say, if you were giving advice to
a couple or a person, what's your conversation like about porn?
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Well, it depends some people. Some men will come to
me and they say, I think I have a porn
addiction or I can't come Yeah, And I talked to
them about their relationship with porn because I don't believe
all porn is evil at all. I think the relationship
you have with porn can be problematic. So I dig
in with men, I dig in a little bit about
how often they're watching it, how much they're able to
(09:45):
come without it. We work on strategies to wean themselves
off of it. I try and encourage them to find
ways to masturbate orgasm without porn, to see if they
can start focusing on their own imagination, especially if they
find that they are having trouble in intimacy with another person.
Mm hmmm, So that's how I broke to a topic
with them. With women, there are a lot of women
who watch porn. They're usually not on Pornhub, They're on
(10:08):
other sites.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
My porn that I do interact with is a homemade
I should say in my hidden folder. So like, I
guess I do engage with porn in some ways, But
you're right, it's not on porn Hub. It's not made
by anyone else. It's like usually built with my partner.
Like I have one video with an ex from truly
(10:29):
five years ago and we haven't spoken, and sometimes I
put it on when I'm having a difficult time with
my imagination. Okay, I'm sharing too many secrets on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Absolutely not okay.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
So, but when you talk to women and you're like,
approach porn because for women it could maybe open up
things a bit more. What are those conversations like?
Speaker 1 (10:47):
There are conversations around what I ask them, what turns
them on, what relaxes them into it? I often ask
how often are you masturbating? What is your ideal scenario?
Especially if they're not watching porn. I will never force
anyone to go watch porn totally, but if they are
watching porn, all assigned homework of send me your favorite
videos because I want to better understand if they're having
(11:09):
trouble discussing it. Sometimes I can sort of hack it
by watching the porn, identifying the themes, and bringing it
up to them and say, I noticed it was very
sensual touch. I noticed they were being watched, or they
were in a public place, or they were in a bedroom.
How important? And I ask questions like how important it
is is it to you that you're in a bed
during sex? You know? I ask very specific questions to
(11:30):
better understand where their insecurities might be, where their passion
might lie. I ask the actors they're attracted to. I
ask what roles in movies they're attracted to, because there
are so many tells for people and you just have
to start unraveling it a little bit.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
So it's sort of just like, think about what you're
interested in.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
It's essentially that I watch a movie and notice who
you see and what you like, and then explore that.
And that's for people who are not in touch with it,
like you described. Some women are extremely in touch with it,
and they're like, oh, this is what I watch, this
is what I look for when I'm watching porn, and
I sometimes have to navigate the ones who are less
familiar with her own interests.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Do you love talking to the wife, because I'm like,
men are so allowed to, like yes or not, even
are they allowed, they're expected to, And I feel like
that is sometimes wait on men to like be so sexual,
like so often their sexuality is tied to their power
and their personhood, and so it's like, yes, they're allowed to,
(12:30):
but also they're expected to, which I think can sometimes
be difficult. But talking to the woman must feel like
so exciting to help her really explore what she wants.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
It is the most amazing feeling, especially at the end
of those calls, I feel super energized because I'm helping
her understand she has power in this situation that she
may not have felt before. And I'm also I jokingly say,
and this is sad, but it's true. My job is
teaching men how to take out the trash and replace
the trash bag. It is not even joke how I've
had to tell multiple men, hey, listen, part of the
(13:03):
power exchange you want. Your wife does not feel it's
a power exchange. She feels it's an extension of the
life you already lead because she has to do so
much mental labor. So like you take out the trash,
but you forget to replace the trash bag and she
has to remind you or do it herself. You need
to step up in the ways you're presenting in the
home so that when you guys go into the bedroom
it feels like a power exchange.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
That is so funny that like part of your consulting
is just telling a man to be a good partner.
I wish, am I take care of your life outside
of that.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
It's really common and so many people think I must
be just talking about people's sex lives all day and
I'm like, no, I'm talking about a choor list. A
lot of the time it's.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
A mix, but yes, the dish do the dishes that
she'll put a strap on on you.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
What was that your first experience in this world? Like,
how did you get into it?
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Great question. I was born kinky, and oh my god,
I really was a lot of people out there's like
this chicken egg conversation trauma breeding, like what actually starts
people being kinky? And it wasn't until I was like
thirteen years old I figured out spanking and punishment, this
is sexual for me, and it sort of like kicked
everything off. And then I spent basically fifteen or twenty
(14:26):
years being kind of ashamed of it until I moved
to New York City and I took a job as
a dominatrix.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Oh my gosh, were your loved ones and your family
and everyone? Was everyone okay with it? Or was it
kind of a conversation.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
The dominatrix one or the kinky one?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
The dominatrix one?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Oh so, I have the most supportive mother in the world.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
I even had her on my podcast to talk about
the entire situation, and she definitely she didn't let me
know this at the time, was worried about it, but
she was so supportive. When I went home that Christmas.
She has like a little Christmas village that she does,
and she brought me over to it. She'd put in
a little red light dish to support her daughter, who
now worked as a sex worker.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
I have so amazing Wow, did you ever have to
be secretive about it?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
So I was secretive with everyone and really embarrassed about
needing my kink for the longest time, so I didn't
tell anyone for a really long time. I sort of
alt I got my fourteen year old boyfriend to spank
me and my seventeen year old boyfriend to do the same,
But I felt weird, so I didn't tell anyone, like, hey,
I'm weird. Yeah, until maybe even after working at the dungeon.
It took a long time for me to say, Hey,
(15:30):
I'm kinky, this is what I'm into.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Tell me about the dungeon.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Oh my gosh, what it's like.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Walk me through that.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
So I needed a second job, so I was moonlighting
as a dominatrix. It wasn't my full time job. I've
answered an ad on Craigslist where they were looking for girls,
and I went and interviewed and I explained everything. I
was like, this is what I'm into. This is when
I know I think I could be a good dumb
and they were like, yeah, you have the job. So
I started working there and it was one of the
most empowering experiences of my life. Like a lot of people, well,
(16:00):
sex work has a bad rap, right, and there's a
lot of stigma around it. As am I wasn't having
sex with clients, but it's still in the sexual field.
So when I got there, I learned my skills of
domming from other strong women.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
There were times where I remember going on a date.
I was like, I'm gonna go shave, and a bunch
of women yelled at the same time, do not shaved.
It was just such a strong sisterhood. Yeah, and there
was a little bit of hazing that went on because
you're all competing with each other for the same clients.
But I had the best introduction to learning how to
do a bunch of different kinky things. Like one time
(16:35):
I got a session over someone and it was caning
and the session, oh.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Good question, I'm gonna have to reveal myself, like the
world of kink is unexplored for me.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Yeah. Caning is when you get like a long, thin stick,
think of like a long dowel, but sometimes they're actually
in the shape of a cane. It's a very nineteen
hundreds British style discipline, like school discipline where you hit
someone on the butt with.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
You know, it sounds like my mom. Obviously not sexual
but no, okay, but right, so you're taking.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
A can exactly. It's all consensual. I had never done
it before, and one of the girls who I was
kind of competing with to get the session, I got it,
and she took me aside before I went in and
she taught me how to do it, and I just
thought that that was one of the kindest things. It's like, basically,
it's almost like I'm taking money out of her pocket
because I got it instead of her. But she was like, no,
let's teach you how to do this the right way.
And that's the sisterhood I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
How do you compete for it, Like you're standing in
front of people and you're like, watch me do this.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
Or like hosk you go in individually. All of the
doms A person john, a client will come in and say, hey,
I'm looking for X y Z. I want a skinny girl,
a curby girl, dark hair, blonde, whatever it is. And
then all the girls who match the description go in
and meet one by one and they say, Hey, this
is who I am, this is what I can offer.
What do you want? And then he picks someone.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Wow, let's get a little bit into like specific kinks.
What are other common kinks that our listeners may not
know about?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
There are so many different types of fetishes. There are
foot fetishes, there are things that some people have bug
fetishes where they really need to be thinking about bugs.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
And have you had a client who had a bug fetish.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Not as a coach, as a yes at the Dungeon.
And this is tenyure plus years ago for me. Yes,
at the Dungeon, I had someone who had a bug fetish.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Tell me about it. Were you like pooring little beetles
on them and stuff?
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I was pretending to squash bugs for them?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Shot up?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah, And we had this rule where you couldn't bring
bugs in and a lot of people would rather just
use their imagination than fake bugs.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Okay, yeah, that's so funny to me. I'm like so
interested in what that gives to people, like why that
is a turn on or a king?
Speaker 1 (18:39):
So this is sort of the thing of like, is
there trauma. Were they scared of bugs as a kid,
where they bullied with bugs? Anything could happen, or they
really could have just been fascinated by them, and they're
excited by bugs being tiny and being able to squash them.
So power play has definitely woven through everything. One common
kink that very few people realize is so common. A
lot of men are wearing women's panties.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
If men are okay, men are wearing women's panties often, yes,
how do you know?
Speaker 1 (19:06):
I get a lot of consolet calls from wives and
girlfriends who are saying, I found my partner going through
my pandy drawer wearing my panties, having women's lingerie that
he wears, and I have to talk them off the
ledge a little bit and be like, this is super common.
I know it's jarring, and I always want to validate
the fact that, yes, it is jarring when you see
your partner doing something that society has told you is wrong,
(19:29):
society has told you is something totally different. It's perverted,
And I'm like, there are more men doing this than
you think, so it's not abnormal. And I hear this regularly,
so I try and normalize it for them, but also
explain I don't know why their husband is doing this
or their partner, they need to ask them and talk
to them directly about it. Sometimes feeling the material feels good.
(19:49):
They enjoy the snugness of it. Some people are wearing
their wives and I am a really big proponent of
consent obviously, so I don't want someone wearing their partner's
panties without asking for consent, but they say it makes
them feel closer to them.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
I also wear my boyfriend's boxers I loves right now
that I think about it, I love to wear my Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
So why is it one directional that we can do that?
Why are any of our underground arments gendered at all? Like,
why can't we just let men have lacy boxers if
that's what they want, right, And there are companies that
exist that make this type of garment for men that
fit better, hold them better, So that's really common. Even
someone DMed me recently and told me that their uncle
(20:30):
is a cop and they pull over a lot of
men who are wearing women's panties.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
So it's like, how do they find out?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
I guess they arrest them. What I guess when you
arrest people and you have to like they go to jail,
you're put into jail clothes. Yeah, yeah, that's crazy but common, right.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
I just I really like to get that message out
there because I just want more people to understand if
you find your partner doing this, have a conversation about
content if they're wearing your panties, for sure, but also
recognize it's a lot common than you think. So that's
a common one. As I said, the power change thing
is woven throughout a lot of different things. But cuckolding
hot wifing, so that so hot wifing is still where
(21:12):
the woman is going out and sleeping with other people,
but instead of it, cuckolding sort of has a shame
element to it, where the husband or the partner who's
being left likes to hear the details and feel ashamed
and sometimes watch and indulge in the embarrassment of it,
whereas hot wifing comes from from an empowerment place of
the woman is going out and really exploring herself and
experiencing other men, and it's from a much more empowered place.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
What does that give men exactly? You think to like
let their person go out, Like, what do you think
that gives men?
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Well, for some men, they enjoy the embarrassment. They like
to feel shame, they like to feel humiliated. So that's
that cuckolding side. But for the men who enjoyed knowing
their wife is going out and sleeping with other people,
And from that empowerment side, they like to know their
wife is so hot and experiencing her sexuality fully and
it is a turn on to them to know other
men and find my wife attractive too. We're all getting
to enjoy her. There's some compersion in that, so you
(22:05):
really feel excitement and joy because somebody else is experiencing it.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
I'm such a jealous person, so I'm like imagining imagining
myself in that role. It's so interesting because like that
is a more common thing for men than it is
for women, Isn't it Like women aren't often asking their
partner to go out and do that. Why do you
think that is?
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Like?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Why don't want women want that?
Speaker 1 (22:31):
I think that's also society. Women are taught we need
a man to come in and protect us, so by
sending their man out to find another woman. That's putting
your own security at risk because the man might find
another woman and go settle down with her, and then
you are left possibly divorced or single. And there's nothing
worse in society today than being a single woman according
to society. Yeah, I mean it's better than it was
(22:52):
in eighteen hundreds, but there's still this shame about it.
There's still this the society is set up. And I
listened to I guess it was episode two or three
where you talked about that there is this thing we're
set up to be in partnership, and you are putting
yourself at risk by letting your man go out and
we have a lot of or to lose. Usually, yes,
but you have to understand a lot of my clientele
(23:13):
forty five to sixty five year old white man, ninety
nine percent of the clients I had at the dungeon
were men.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Why do you think that is?
Speaker 1 (23:21):
I think men have more money to play with this.
Men have to pay for it, whereas women can often
find it outside. And that's just a fact. Women can
go on a date and say this is what I'm into,
and guys are a little bit more flexible in that.
And this once again falls into the puritanical thing of
women are taught be good, be quiet, be polite, follow
(23:42):
the rules, say yes yes, and something about kink feels
outside of that. So also, did you see the movie
Baby Girl? Yes, so I work with I really enjoyed
that movie because the things Nicole Kidman went through with
her husband. I remember a lot of people saying, oh please,
like Antonio Bendar's when do whatever Nicole Kidman wanted, And
It's like, Nope, those are my clients.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Do whatever. She wanted to tell me more about.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
She wanted to be submissive in the relationship. She wanted
to be sexually submissive. She wanted him to be a
little more forceful in the bedroom. And even when she
told him in the movie, she puts a sheet over
her head because she's so embarrassed and ashamed to share
it with him, and then when she does, she is
shot down. He rejects her. And I felt that so
deeply because I've been in relationships where that happens. I've
(24:26):
a younger version of myself was very embarrassed about what
she wanted. God, even my current version of myself can
be a little bit embarrassed about saying yes, I'm submissive
and I want to submit to you in the bedroom.
But in it, I remember watching it and being like
those two people should be my clients because she just
really needs to break down in a more explanatory way, like,
(24:47):
this is the feeling I want to have. Can you
help me achieve this feeling? These are the things that
would help me achieve that, Like she wanted to feel submissive,
she wanted to submit and sort of maybe baby be
a little masochistic. So if you're looking for a dominant
a woman to take a leadership role, it's pretty difficult
to find. And a lot of my coaching clients that
I have right now are currently dating and trying to
(25:08):
find a dominant woman, and I'm trying to help them
improve their dating profile understand how to balance it because
a lot of my clients sort of like, I want
a dom and they just imagine all the things they
want and not the things that they can give, because
it is a power exchange.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Say more about that the things that they want, but
the things they can't give. What is like untangling that?
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Like, Yeah, so I find that a lot of my
clients have built up a fantasy for forty years of
their life right of what they want, and then they've
never actually experienced it, so they've never thought about how
this exists in partnership. So they say they want a
female led relationship, they want a dominant woman. But all
they've ever done is focus on the fantasy of it,
and maybe if they've watched a little bit too much
Born and all they're imagining is a woman who's going
(25:49):
to come in and take charge. But that's their fantasy
and they're not actually thinking about how am I going
to be in partnership with someone, How if this is
a power exchange, what am I offering them? Because they've
been very one sided, and that is something that actually
is quite historical. A lot of the women who worked
at the Dungeon, who admit in the industry for twenty
plus years, told me about in early days, men would
find the ad in the back of a paper. They
(26:09):
would show up and they would be shocked they had
to pay because they just thought like, oh, this person
is here to fulfill my fantasy. They're into it too,
without realizing, no, this is a trade agreement.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Okay, I'm like wondering what that negotiation is like? I
will say I have considered. I guess you could call
it sex work. I called it being an escort or whatever,
getting paid to go on dates with men. Yeah, because
I was like, I go on dates with men and
I pretend and I play, and I make it good
for them for free, so I might as well get
paid for it. It's something I was considering, but I
wasn't one hundred percent, so you know, I was just, yeah,
(26:41):
I totally do figuring it out. So I got on
seeking arrangements. Yeah, and I made a profile and there
was this man who was married and in his fifties,
and we were chatting, and I was like, how would
your wife feel? And of course I'm so new to this, right,
so I'm like asking him all of these emotional questions
like turning into his theirs, which I'm sure you have
(27:01):
experience with. I'm sure it's very emotional too, it is
your work. But I was like, how would your wife
feel if she found out? He was like, she would
be devastated, and I'm like, okay, well understand, man, just complicated,
like whatever. So we start texting and he starts trying
to be sexual. Before we had talked about any sort
(27:22):
of compensation yeah, And I was like, okay, before we
get into all that, like how much are you considering
paying me? And he was like, well, I don't pay
for sex. And I was like, well, you are paying
for sex, and he was like, this isn't that kind
of thing. I can give you an allowance And there
was a difference between like payment and allowance. Why do
you think men are so they like refuse to admit
(27:44):
they're paying for it even though they obviously are.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
I think there's a stigma associated with paying with it
as well. I mean, when you think about it, it
is the world's oldest profession, right, and people still have
an issue saying they pay for it because it's a
big point of pride for men to say I've never
paid for sex.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Ah, heat is that true?
Speaker 1 (28:05):
You know you've never heard a man sort of brag
I've never paid for sex. That's enough for me that
I have.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Brought it up to men. I brought it up to
my brother. There was this one guy who was going
to pay me five hundred dollars to go on dates
with him, inclusive of sex, and I said, if you
give me a thousand dollars, I'll do it, and he
was like no, and I was like, Okay, well then
it's just not going to happen. And I also wasn't
again like sold on it. I was sort of just.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
You were dabbling.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Yeah, totally. Yeah. But when I told my brother about it,
he was like, how embarrassing? Da da da da da.
And for me, I was like, I don't know. If
he has five hundred dollars to throw around, it's a
bit of a flex to me, like he's got some
money and he's using it. Like, I don't know if
there should be so much shame about it, except for
the guy who was married, there should probably be a
little bit of I don't have a shame.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
We really do need to connect on multiple different ways
with our partner, and intimacy is extremely important, and if
you're not being met there, it can feel really isolating.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
Yeah, you can feel so alone.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
A lot of my clients when they first come to me,
they say, I feel like I have a great roommate,
and I hear that time and time again, and they
are talking to me because they no longer just want
a roommate, they want to reconnect.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
What's your first piece of advice to a couple When
they say my husband feels like my roommate and I
hate him.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
I hate I don't know if it's for better or worse.
When people come to me, they don't hate each other yet. Oh,
they are looking for ways to find each other again.
So my advice to them is how what are things
you connect on? I try and find ways for them
to focus on what brings them together. I often ask
couples how they met and what attracted them to each
(29:57):
other in the first place, totally because I want to
find some common ground for them to agree on and
a positive memory, right because so I'm always trying to
take them back to something good that happens, something positive,
and we can build from there. Because couples will have
no problem getting into a couple session with me or
their individual sessions with me and telling me all of
the bad things. So I try, when they're together, especially
(30:17):
to try and remind them of the good things. So
I start, you lead with curiosity and gratitude. Those are
my rules in session because I think that that's a
really good way to build connection.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
So simple, but it can be so difficult to do.
Like again, I think probably because there are so many
cultural expectations around sex, like I'm thinking specifically of this
one girl I was talking with about her sex life,
and like she really didn't want to teach her partner anything.
Like she had this partner, this boyfriend who was like
(30:50):
a perfect boyfriend in so many ways, checked all the boxes,
but in the bedroom, he was not as experienced as
she was, and she was so mad at him about it.
And I finally cent her. I was like, you're gonna
have to change your perspective.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Thank you, Yes, Like you're gonna.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Have to like be okay with the fact that he
is not what your idea of what a man should be,
and like untangling that can be so difficult. If someone
says I don't have kinks, what do you say to them?
Speaker 1 (31:23):
I begin to question a little bit. I have to
dig a little further, because if they say they don't
have kinks, I ask, what do you fantasize about? What
are you interested in? How do you know you're going
to have sex? Like what's the foreplay? Like, what's it
like during? What are you saying to each other? What
happens when you come, what happens when he comes? I
just dig in to see I needed almost a clinical
explanation of what's happening step by step to understand and
(31:44):
see if I could point to anything that's slightly kinky.
And I have one couple and I really think they
might be vanilla. There the most vanilla couple I've ever
spoken to.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Say more about vanilla they and.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
I shouldn't use that word because people hate that word.
Non kinky, non kinky. They havetionary sex where they say
I love you. There's no degradation. There's so crazy, it's
can a kink be I love you? My God? I'm like, yes,
like tell.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Me even if you don't know me, please, like that
can't happen.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
Yes, you can absolutely ask for someone to say I
love you during sex and you just say I won't
hold you to this, but can you say this because
it really does it for me?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah? Okay, So vanilla sex to you is like missionary
eye contact, like nothing outside of maybe what the Bible
would tell us to.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Do pretty much.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Okay, why do you think it's important for her or
them to identify it?
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Like?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Can a couple just have a vanilla ask sex life
and be happy and fine forever? Or do you think
she's missing something? Do you want?
Speaker 1 (32:42):
Oh? No, I do not think she's missing any Okay,
I am one of the I get an arguments in
my dms and on social media actually do.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
I'm sure people are up in those dyes where they'll say.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Like, well, my kink relationship is just so much deeper
than any vanilla relationship I've ever had, And I'm like, yeah,
that's because you are kinky. Kinksters can have just as
deep a relationship, and it's about feeling seen and having
your needs met. So yes, for me, I need kink
and a vanilla relationship isn't going to hit as deep,
it's not going to run as deep for me in connection.
(33:14):
But two vanilla people, if they're both having their needs met,
guess what the connection is there, so their cup is
full totally in the same way.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
This makes complete sense. What are some jools or practices
you recommend to people to explore kink safely, especially when
they're like new or nervous.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Start slow, Start small. It's like I don't know if
you've ever skied, but it's you ski down to the
lower skiers level hill, the bunny hill. You are not
going on your double black diamond right. Start small, and
there's no such thing as too small. I would rather
you over communicate and really break things down into tiny
stepping stones. You think you're into impact play, which is
(33:56):
it might be paddling belts, it's hitting someone maybe on
the upper back with a flogger or on the butt.
What I'm going to say is the first implement you
use is your hand for a handspanking, because you can't
do too much damage with that, right, So you have
to start small. If you're into power exchange, you don't
want to dive into a twenty four to seven thing
where you take on You meet a dominant man and
(34:18):
he takes control of what you're wearing and he tells
you what to eat. You don't want to jump straight
into that. I don't care. If that's your biggest fantasy,
you figure it out by you go on one date
with him, You go in a couple of dates, you
get to know them as a person, you decide if
you trust them, and then maybe on the next date
they get to tell.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
You what to wear totally.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
You know that slow level steps, baby steps. Yes, I
recommend everybody does some research, and there are so many
places to get free resources for research. You can look online,
even social media. But I would recommend getting books, peer
reviewed books.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
What's your favorite book to start with.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
I always give people two books in the New Topping
Book and the New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and
Dossy Easton. They wrote both of those books, and they're
such great introductory books. Some people might say they're boring
if you're more advanced, but I'm like, no, this is
exactly what I'm giving. Especially if I have a couple
where one's kicking the other's not kinky, I will give
them both these books and say you both have to
read these books.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Oh, that's sextuy homework together.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Oh I'm all of that.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
Yeah, okay. If someone's a bit of a people please
her myself included same in bed and they've just realized
they've never asked themselves what they want. Where do they start.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Outside of the bedroom. So what I recommend what they
start doing is checking in with themselves day to day
on random things. They go to the store, they have
an interaction with someone at the store. I want them
to create a feedback loop with themselves. How did I
feel about that interaction? What did I need from it?
Did I get what I need? Because that's a muscle
you need to work and you need to start working.
(35:49):
So the last place I recommend is starting in the
bedroom with it, because it's confusing. I want you practicing
that in every area of your life so that by
the time you get into the bedroom, which is quite
complex and vulnerable place to be, you are attuned to
yourself and you understand you're used to asking yourself how
you feel about certain situations and what you need for moments.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
Yeah, I've never thought about it that way. Like, I
feel like I have so many girlfriends who like really
don't know how to communicate what they need in the bedroom.
They're so scared to say what they want.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
How are they outside of the bedroom?
Speaker 2 (36:20):
And that's totally totally yes. And that's what I'm realizing.
Is like at the grocery store and I know I'm
this way, like my hairstylist wants to cut my hair
a certain way and I don't really want it, but
I say yes anyways because I want to be nice.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
I totally see how that could like transfer to someone's
sex life.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
Really it does.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
And is that muscle?
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Okay? The hairstylist is the prime example where to bring
that up. Check in with yourself before you agree to
something because that's a difficult con I don't why do
we have such anxiety at the hair salon?
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Oh, just because we're really not allowed to say no
as women are supposed to stay small and be nice exactly,
and any sort of like, any sort of expectation we
give or feedback we give that's not just easy is
round upon. Yeah, okay, I have one last question for you.
Why should everyone embrace kink?
Speaker 1 (37:12):
I don't know if everyone should embrace kink, but I
think that they should accept it and understand that it
is a normal part of human sexuality. It's a normal
part of intimacy for some people, and I want everyone
to understand there's no stigma around it. Some people just
enjoy expressing themselves this way, and we need to empathize
with people who do so totally understand and accept that
(37:34):
this is just a part of intimacy. Sex education is
not great at the best of times, never mind moving
into what real intimacy is, what real vulnerability is. So
I just ask everyone give themselves and other people a
little grace when they're communicating with their partners or even
themselves about what they're looking for.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
At the end of the day, isn't Boys Over really
about giving ourselves grace? Grace to explore, experiment, and understand.
Thank you so much to Amanda for coming in and
teaching us all about kink and how it can benefit
us in and out of the bedroom. I hope this
(38:21):
conversation brought people closer to understanding what it is they
actually want. Thanks everyone for listening, and I'll talk to
you all next week. Boys Over is a production of
(38:45):
iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host, Hope ordered. Our executive producers
are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. Our supervising producer is
Emily Meronoff engineering by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering
by a boz Afar. If you liked this episode, please
tell a friend and don't forget to rate, review, and
(39:05):
subscribe to boy Sober on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
and wherever you get your favorite shows.
Foot fetishes, cuckolding, dirty talking, paddling, spanking and punishment, stop masturbating, caning, missionary,
sex bug fetishes, hot wifing, powerplate, impact plate, gigantest fetish.
A lot of men are wearing women's panties. Some men
enjoy wearing chastity cages. I'm kinky. This is what I'm into.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Anything can be a turn on, and this week we're
unlocking our deepest desires. I'm hopewordered and welcome to Boys Over,
a space where we're learning and unlearning all the myths
we're taught about love and relationships. As we've discussed, Voiceover
(00:59):
has never been about just giving up sex. Any period
of time I've spent abstaining from sex has been with
the purpose of coming back to it with more intention
to understand what I really want, what I really like,
and who I really want to experience it with. So
in trying to figure all that out, I want to
(01:20):
talk to some people who can get into the nitty
gritty of what's really out there in the world of sex.
Enter the Kink Consultant. Amanda Dames is a certified sex
and relationship coach who works with people to embrace their
sexuality and explore their own desires. I've never really considered
(01:42):
myself a kinky person, but after talking to Amanda, I
realized that embracing kink is as simple as just understanding
what turns you on. Hi Amanda, Hi, how are you.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I'm doing really well?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Thank good. I would love for you to kind of
introduce yourself. You are a kink consultant. What does that
mean exactly? Like? Walk me through what it looks like
having a kink consultation with someone? Sure?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
So how it works is people find me on social media.
Usually I offer a twenty minute consult where I talk
to them about what it is they're looking for, why
they want to work with a coach, and usually one
or both of the partners want to increase the spiciness
in the bedroom. One of them might be super kinky
or even have a fetish, and they want their partner
to better understand it, and they come to me to
help guide them both through it. So what I do
(02:34):
is I work with clients over maybe ten to twenty sessions.
I work with them individually. I understand and break down
their own wants and desires, and I work with them
to say, like, what are your core desires. What's your
hottest erotic movie? Talk to me about it, and we
basically break it down in a way that they can
communicate to the other person what they're looking for. And
the way I describe it is, you're building a bridge
towards each other. Let's figure out where the bridge needs
(02:56):
to be built, and let's start doing that together.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
What's a kink and what's a fetish? Like, what are
the differences between those things?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Yes, okay, good, that's a great question. A kink is
sort of a nice to have outside of missionary sex
type of thing. So kink is actually a really large spectrum,
and I have this feeling everyone falls on some part
of it, at least a little bit. Like even if
you like hearing good girl during sex, that's kinky. It's
almost anything outside of missionary sex, wow or a China sex.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I know, I am pretty kinky. Yeah, okay, So basically
kink is like a lot broader. It's so.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Yeah, okay, A lot of people don't realize they're kinky
or doing kinky things.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Right, I know. Why do you think that there is
this feeling of like I don't want to say I'm kinky,
and there's maybe this cultural understanding of kink that's taboo. Yeah,
why do you think that is?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Okay? I think that kink because there is so little
education around it, we struggle to understand what it is
and what it isn't. And what I will say is,
if there's not consent and negotiation, it's not kink, it's
just somebody being an asshole. There's so much media shame
around kink and being different. I think we're all taught
to assimilate and just fit in, so anything outside of
(04:08):
that is not okay. I also think that we're puritanical, right,
So anything outside of what is quote unquote normal is wrong, right,
And I think that everything kinky falls under that as well.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Okay, Now, what's the difference with fetish?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
A fetish is a need to have. It's not a
nice to have. It means you've never orgasmed, you've never
achieved it without having that in your life. So, for example,
I have never had an orgasm without thinking about being
disciplined or spanking. So during sex, I'm running a fantasy
in my head, or I need someone dirty talking to
me about it, or I need to have just gone
(04:44):
through a scene where I was punished or spanked.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Okay, with your clients, do you mostly work with couples
or individuals both?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
My business shifts, like right now, I've gotten an influx
of a lot of couples in the last five or
six months, but early on I was really working with individuals.
So I have clients who are submissive men, and they
have hidden this from their partners for a really long time.
Sometimes they want to engage in chastity. Sometimes they want
to be sexually submissive to their wives.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
What's engaging in chastity? Okay?
Speaker 1 (05:14):
So chastity is an enforced way to not have sex.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Okay, Well, I've dabbled. Maybe have you ever put knowing?
I've never put a chastity belt on, but I do
love to say no thank you.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
So some men enjoy wearing chastity cages, and chastity is
really big right.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Now, Orman, Yes, it's all in there.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Yeah, it's a cage on their penis.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Actually, I do have a friend whose boyfriend has one.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Yeah, it's super common.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
She found out he was cheating on her and made
him wear one.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I love that, and I'm assuming it was consensual. It
was considual. They both really liked it, like he didn't
wake up with a cage on one morning, and.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Honestly, you probably would have loved that. Sure.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
So for a lot of women, we haven't been raised
to take on the leadership position in a partnership. Okay,
there was no Disney princess who was like, I'm in
charge and you're going to do what I say, right,
So I work with a lot of women to say like, Okay,
this is how you can step into your power. This
is how you can step into your dominant energy and
play with this power exchange with your partner. And for
(06:14):
the husband, I really have to sometimes talk him back
a little bit because he's had this fantasy of what
he's wanted, and then I have to remind him you're
in partnership. We're working with your wife or your girlfriend
to be exactly what you want her to be. But
also you have to step up in different ways too.
So I work with both people and the couple.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Do you get to see their life kind of expand
a little like, I'm sure when you're working with an
individual like this entire process, but I'm sure it'd be
really empowering in other ways.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
It absolutely is. I hear them standing up for themselves
at work, they start to pay attention to what they want.
They improve and deepen their friendships with people because they're
able to put up boundaries. That's an interesting one teaching
people boundaries totally, because when I teach them what boundaries are,
I just warn them. I'm like, you're gonna have some
knee jerk reactions. You're going to be feeling this out.
Sometimes you might stretch a little too far and put
up too many boundaries. So you got to navigate this,
(07:03):
And I just warn them this is going to happen.
You just got to go with the flow and be
aware of it and check in with yourself.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Yes, always be checking kink consultant.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Yes, that's the hope.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Something we were talking about is like when to communicate
the kink you want. And I think that, like, if
you're communicating what you want during sex or after sex,
that can be a really difficult and vulnerable time because
absolutely you're in bed and you're naked, and then you
tell them what you want and they say no, Like,
oh my god, You're like so vulnerable, and that rejection
(07:33):
feels so much more intense. So if someone were to
communicate their kinks, when is the best time to do it.
How's the best way to do it? Is it on
a date? Is it in the bedroom? Like? What's your
advice there?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
It depends on how important it is to you. It's
in my dating profiles that I am kinky, right, because
it is one of the most important things to me.
It's obviously ten percent or five percent of who I am,
a little bit more now than I do this work
full time, right, But I bring it up early but
off some times I'll say, if it is part of
your sexual relationship, I would bring it up when you're
discussing sex. And I know a lot of people still
(08:06):
just jump into bed together and there's no discussions beforehand.
But I'd advocate for having a conversation beforehand before you
get into the bedroom together. For sure. For the couples
I work with, I like to recommend that you start
with a conversation, lead with curiosity. You ask your partner, Hey,
are there any fantasies you'd like to explore, and then
that's a perfect segue for you to be able to
introduce your fantasies as well.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
I have one good friend who has a difficult sex
life with her husband. Like I've asked for the same thing, like,
what are your fantasies? Have you ever had one? And
she's so like, I don't know, Like I feel like
a lot of women, maybe I've never had the time
or the capacity to really explore that because we so
often are like doing all of the work of the
(08:47):
family and everything. Yeah, So how do you start that
conversation with women? Like how do you bring kinks out
of someone? How does someone discover their kinks?
Speaker 1 (08:55):
I really do that mostly in one on one sessions
with women, where I will say, tell me about the
porn you watch, tell me about what turns you on.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Son't watch porn.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
I don't watch porn either.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Okay, and wow, you don't watch porn either. No, the
kink consultant doesn't watch porn. Why not?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Because my imagination is so much better than anything I
could ever see.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
So would you say, if you were giving advice to
a couple or a person, what's your conversation like about porn?
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Well, it depends some people. Some men will come to
me and they say, I think I have a porn
addiction or I can't come Yeah, And I talked to
them about their relationship with porn because I don't believe
all porn is evil at all. I think the relationship
you have with porn can be problematic. So I dig
in with men, I dig in a little bit about
how often they're watching it, how much they're able to
(09:45):
come without it. We work on strategies to wean themselves
off of it. I try and encourage them to find
ways to masturbate orgasm without porn, to see if they
can start focusing on their own imagination, especially if they
find that they are having trouble in intimacy with another person.
Mm hmmm, So that's how I broke to a topic
with them. With women, there are a lot of women
who watch porn. They're usually not on Pornhub, They're on
(10:08):
other sites.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
My porn that I do interact with is a homemade
I should say in my hidden folder. So like, I
guess I do engage with porn in some ways, But
you're right, it's not on porn Hub. It's not made
by anyone else. It's like usually built with my partner.
Like I have one video with an ex from truly
(10:29):
five years ago and we haven't spoken, and sometimes I
put it on when I'm having a difficult time with
my imagination. Okay, I'm sharing too many secrets on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Absolutely not okay.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
So, but when you talk to women and you're like,
approach porn because for women it could maybe open up
things a bit more. What are those conversations like?
Speaker 1 (10:47):
There are conversations around what I ask them, what turns
them on, what relaxes them into it? I often ask
how often are you masturbating? What is your ideal scenario?
Especially if they're not watching porn. I will never force
anyone to go watch porn totally, but if they are
watching porn, all assigned homework of send me your favorite
videos because I want to better understand if they're having
(11:09):
trouble discussing it. Sometimes I can sort of hack it
by watching the porn, identifying the themes, and bringing it
up to them and say, I noticed it was very
sensual touch. I noticed they were being watched, or they
were in a public place, or they were in a bedroom.
How important? And I ask questions like how important it
is is it to you that you're in a bed
during sex? You know? I ask very specific questions to
(11:30):
better understand where their insecurities might be, where their passion
might lie. I ask the actors they're attracted to. I
ask what roles in movies they're attracted to, because there
are so many tells for people and you just have
to start unraveling it a little bit.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
So it's sort of just like, think about what you're
interested in.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
It's essentially that I watch a movie and notice who
you see and what you like, and then explore that.
And that's for people who are not in touch with it,
like you described. Some women are extremely in touch with it,
and they're like, oh, this is what I watch, this
is what I look for when I'm watching porn, and
I sometimes have to navigate the ones who are less
familiar with her own interests.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Do you love talking to the wife, because I'm like,
men are so allowed to, like yes or not, even
are they allowed, they're expected to, And I feel like
that is sometimes wait on men to like be so sexual,
like so often their sexuality is tied to their power
and their personhood, and so it's like, yes, they're allowed to,
(12:30):
but also they're expected to, which I think can sometimes
be difficult. But talking to the woman must feel like
so exciting to help her really explore what she wants.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
It is the most amazing feeling, especially at the end
of those calls, I feel super energized because I'm helping
her understand she has power in this situation that she
may not have felt before. And I'm also I jokingly say,
and this is sad, but it's true. My job is
teaching men how to take out the trash and replace
the trash bag. It is not even joke how I've
had to tell multiple men, hey, listen, part of the
(13:03):
power exchange you want. Your wife does not feel it's
a power exchange. She feels it's an extension of the
life you already lead because she has to do so
much mental labor. So like you take out the trash,
but you forget to replace the trash bag and she
has to remind you or do it herself. You need
to step up in the ways you're presenting in the
home so that when you guys go into the bedroom
it feels like a power exchange.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
That is so funny that like part of your consulting
is just telling a man to be a good partner.
I wish, am I take care of your life outside
of that.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
It's really common and so many people think I must
be just talking about people's sex lives all day and
I'm like, no, I'm talking about a choor list. A
lot of the time it's.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
A mix, but yes, the dish do the dishes that
she'll put a strap on on you.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
What was that your first experience in this world? Like,
how did you get into it?
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Great question. I was born kinky, and oh my god,
I really was a lot of people out there's like
this chicken egg conversation trauma breeding, like what actually starts
people being kinky? And it wasn't until I was like
thirteen years old I figured out spanking and punishment, this
is sexual for me, and it sort of like kicked
everything off. And then I spent basically fifteen or twenty
(14:26):
years being kind of ashamed of it until I moved
to New York City and I took a job as
a dominatrix.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Oh my gosh, were your loved ones and your family
and everyone? Was everyone okay with it? Or was it
kind of a conversation.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
The dominatrix one or the kinky one?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
The dominatrix one?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Oh so, I have the most supportive mother in the world.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
I even had her on my podcast to talk about
the entire situation, and she definitely she didn't let me
know this at the time, was worried about it, but
she was so supportive. When I went home that Christmas.
She has like a little Christmas village that she does,
and she brought me over to it. She'd put in
a little red light dish to support her daughter, who
now worked as a sex worker.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
I have so amazing Wow, did you ever have to
be secretive about it?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
So I was secretive with everyone and really embarrassed about
needing my kink for the longest time, so I didn't
tell anyone for a really long time. I sort of
alt I got my fourteen year old boyfriend to spank
me and my seventeen year old boyfriend to do the same,
But I felt weird, so I didn't tell anyone, like, hey,
I'm weird. Yeah, until maybe even after working at the dungeon.
It took a long time for me to say, Hey,
(15:30):
I'm kinky, this is what I'm into.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Tell me about the dungeon.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Oh my gosh, what it's like.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Walk me through that.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
So I needed a second job, so I was moonlighting
as a dominatrix. It wasn't my full time job. I've
answered an ad on Craigslist where they were looking for girls,
and I went and interviewed and I explained everything. I
was like, this is what I'm into. This is when
I know I think I could be a good dumb
and they were like, yeah, you have the job. So
I started working there and it was one of the
most empowering experiences of my life. Like a lot of people, well,
(16:00):
sex work has a bad rap, right, and there's a
lot of stigma around it. As am I wasn't having
sex with clients, but it's still in the sexual field.
So when I got there, I learned my skills of
domming from other strong women.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
There were times where I remember going on a date.
I was like, I'm gonna go shave, and a bunch
of women yelled at the same time, do not shaved.
It was just such a strong sisterhood. Yeah, and there
was a little bit of hazing that went on because
you're all competing with each other for the same clients.
But I had the best introduction to learning how to
do a bunch of different kinky things. Like one time
(16:35):
I got a session over someone and it was caning
and the session, oh.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Good question, I'm gonna have to reveal myself, like the
world of kink is unexplored for me.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Yeah. Caning is when you get like a long, thin stick,
think of like a long dowel, but sometimes they're actually
in the shape of a cane. It's a very nineteen
hundreds British style discipline, like school discipline where you hit
someone on the butt with.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
You know, it sounds like my mom. Obviously not sexual
but no, okay, but right, so you're taking.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
A can exactly. It's all consensual. I had never done
it before, and one of the girls who I was
kind of competing with to get the session, I got it,
and she took me aside before I went in and
she taught me how to do it, and I just
thought that that was one of the kindest things. It's like, basically,
it's almost like I'm taking money out of her pocket
because I got it instead of her. But she was like, no,
let's teach you how to do this the right way.
And that's the sisterhood I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
How do you compete for it, Like you're standing in
front of people and you're like, watch me do this.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
Or like hosk you go in individually. All of the
doms A person john, a client will come in and say, hey,
I'm looking for X y Z. I want a skinny girl,
a curby girl, dark hair, blonde, whatever it is. And
then all the girls who match the description go in
and meet one by one and they say, Hey, this
is who I am, this is what I can offer.
What do you want? And then he picks someone.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Wow, let's get a little bit into like specific kinks.
What are other common kinks that our listeners may not
know about?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
There are so many different types of fetishes. There are
foot fetishes, there are things that some people have bug
fetishes where they really need to be thinking about bugs.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
And have you had a client who had a bug fetish.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Not as a coach, as a yes at the Dungeon.
And this is tenyure plus years ago for me. Yes,
at the Dungeon, I had someone who had a bug fetish.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Tell me about it. Were you like pooring little beetles
on them and stuff?
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I was pretending to squash bugs for them?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Shot up?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah, And we had this rule where you couldn't bring
bugs in and a lot of people would rather just
use their imagination than fake bugs.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Okay, yeah, that's so funny to me. I'm like so
interested in what that gives to people, like why that
is a turn on or a king?
Speaker 1 (18:39):
So this is sort of the thing of like, is
there trauma. Were they scared of bugs as a kid,
where they bullied with bugs? Anything could happen, or they
really could have just been fascinated by them, and they're
excited by bugs being tiny and being able to squash them.
So power play has definitely woven through everything. One common
kink that very few people realize is so common. A
lot of men are wearing women's panties.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
If men are okay, men are wearing women's panties often, yes,
how do you know?
Speaker 1 (19:06):
I get a lot of consolet calls from wives and
girlfriends who are saying, I found my partner going through
my pandy drawer wearing my panties, having women's lingerie that
he wears, and I have to talk them off the
ledge a little bit and be like, this is super common.
I know it's jarring, and I always want to validate
the fact that, yes, it is jarring when you see
your partner doing something that society has told you is wrong,
(19:29):
society has told you is something totally different. It's perverted,
And I'm like, there are more men doing this than
you think, so it's not abnormal. And I hear this regularly,
so I try and normalize it for them, but also
explain I don't know why their husband is doing this
or their partner, they need to ask them and talk
to them directly about it. Sometimes feeling the material feels good.
(19:49):
They enjoy the snugness of it. Some people are wearing
their wives and I am a really big proponent of
consent obviously, so I don't want someone wearing their partner's
panties without asking for consent, but they say it makes
them feel closer to them.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
I also wear my boyfriend's boxers I loves right now
that I think about it, I love to wear my Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
So why is it one directional that we can do that?
Why are any of our underground arments gendered at all? Like,
why can't we just let men have lacy boxers if
that's what they want, right, And there are companies that
exist that make this type of garment for men that
fit better, hold them better, So that's really common. Even
someone DMed me recently and told me that their uncle
(20:30):
is a cop and they pull over a lot of
men who are wearing women's panties.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
So it's like, how do they find out?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
I guess they arrest them. What I guess when you
arrest people and you have to like they go to jail,
you're put into jail clothes. Yeah, yeah, that's crazy but common, right.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
I just I really like to get that message out
there because I just want more people to understand if
you find your partner doing this, have a conversation about
content if they're wearing your panties, for sure, but also
recognize it's a lot common than you think. So that's
a common one. As I said, the power change thing
is woven throughout a lot of different things. But cuckolding
hot wifing, so that so hot wifing is still where
(21:12):
the woman is going out and sleeping with other people,
but instead of it, cuckolding sort of has a shame
element to it, where the husband or the partner who's
being left likes to hear the details and feel ashamed
and sometimes watch and indulge in the embarrassment of it,
whereas hot wifing comes from from an empowerment place of
the woman is going out and really exploring herself and
experiencing other men, and it's from a much more empowered place.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
What does that give men exactly? You think to like
let their person go out, Like, what do you think
that gives men?
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Well, for some men, they enjoy the embarrassment. They like
to feel shame, they like to feel humiliated. So that's
that cuckolding side. But for the men who enjoyed knowing
their wife is going out and sleeping with other people,
And from that empowerment side, they like to know their
wife is so hot and experiencing her sexuality fully and
it is a turn on to them to know other
men and find my wife attractive too. We're all getting
to enjoy her. There's some compersion in that, so you
(22:05):
really feel excitement and joy because somebody else is experiencing it.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
I'm such a jealous person, so I'm like imagining imagining
myself in that role. It's so interesting because like that
is a more common thing for men than it is
for women, Isn't it Like women aren't often asking their
partner to go out and do that. Why do you
think that is?
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Like?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Why don't want women want that?
Speaker 1 (22:31):
I think that's also society. Women are taught we need
a man to come in and protect us, so by
sending their man out to find another woman. That's putting
your own security at risk because the man might find
another woman and go settle down with her, and then
you are left possibly divorced or single. And there's nothing
worse in society today than being a single woman according
to society. Yeah, I mean it's better than it was
(22:52):
in eighteen hundreds, but there's still this shame about it.
There's still this the society is set up. And I
listened to I guess it was episode two or three
where you talked about that there is this thing we're
set up to be in partnership, and you are putting
yourself at risk by letting your man go out and
we have a lot of or to lose. Usually, yes,
but you have to understand a lot of my clientele
(23:13):
forty five to sixty five year old white man, ninety
nine percent of the clients I had at the dungeon
were men.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Why do you think that is?
Speaker 1 (23:21):
I think men have more money to play with this.
Men have to pay for it, whereas women can often
find it outside. And that's just a fact. Women can
go on a date and say this is what I'm into,
and guys are a little bit more flexible in that.
And this once again falls into the puritanical thing of
women are taught be good, be quiet, be polite, follow
(23:42):
the rules, say yes yes, and something about kink feels
outside of that. So also, did you see the movie
Baby Girl? Yes, so I work with I really enjoyed
that movie because the things Nicole Kidman went through with
her husband. I remember a lot of people saying, oh please,
like Antonio Bendar's when do whatever Nicole Kidman wanted, And
It's like, Nope, those are my clients.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Do whatever. She wanted to tell me more about.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
She wanted to be submissive in the relationship. She wanted
to be sexually submissive. She wanted him to be a
little more forceful in the bedroom. And even when she
told him in the movie, she puts a sheet over
her head because she's so embarrassed and ashamed to share
it with him, and then when she does, she is
shot down. He rejects her. And I felt that so
deeply because I've been in relationships where that happens. I've
(24:26):
a younger version of myself was very embarrassed about what
she wanted. God, even my current version of myself can
be a little bit embarrassed about saying yes, I'm submissive
and I want to submit to you in the bedroom.
But in it, I remember watching it and being like
those two people should be my clients because she just
really needs to break down in a more explanatory way, like,
(24:47):
this is the feeling I want to have. Can you
help me achieve this feeling? These are the things that
would help me achieve that, Like she wanted to feel submissive,
she wanted to submit and sort of maybe baby be
a little masochistic. So if you're looking for a dominant
a woman to take a leadership role, it's pretty difficult
to find. And a lot of my coaching clients that
I have right now are currently dating and trying to
(25:08):
find a dominant woman, and I'm trying to help them
improve their dating profile understand how to balance it because
a lot of my clients sort of like, I want
a dom and they just imagine all the things they
want and not the things that they can give, because
it is a power exchange.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Say more about that the things that they want, but
the things they can't give. What is like untangling that?
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Like, Yeah, so I find that a lot of my
clients have built up a fantasy for forty years of
their life right of what they want, and then they've
never actually experienced it, so they've never thought about how
this exists in partnership. So they say they want a
female led relationship, they want a dominant woman. But all
they've ever done is focus on the fantasy of it,
and maybe if they've watched a little bit too much
Born and all they're imagining is a woman who's going
(25:49):
to come in and take charge. But that's their fantasy
and they're not actually thinking about how am I going
to be in partnership with someone, How if this is
a power exchange, what am I offering them? Because they've
been very one sided, and that is something that actually
is quite historical. A lot of the women who worked
at the Dungeon, who admit in the industry for twenty
plus years, told me about in early days, men would
find the ad in the back of a paper. They
(26:09):
would show up and they would be shocked they had
to pay because they just thought like, oh, this person
is here to fulfill my fantasy. They're into it too,
without realizing, no, this is a trade agreement.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Okay, I'm like wondering what that negotiation is like? I
will say I have considered. I guess you could call
it sex work. I called it being an escort or whatever,
getting paid to go on dates with men. Yeah, because
I was like, I go on dates with men and
I pretend and I play, and I make it good
for them for free, so I might as well get
paid for it. It's something I was considering, but I
wasn't one hundred percent, so you know, I was just, yeah,
(26:41):
I totally do figuring it out. So I got on
seeking arrangements. Yeah, and I made a profile and there
was this man who was married and in his fifties,
and we were chatting, and I was like, how would
your wife feel? And of course I'm so new to this, right,
so I'm like asking him all of these emotional questions
like turning into his theirs, which I'm sure you have
(27:01):
experience with. I'm sure it's very emotional too, it is
your work. But I was like, how would your wife
feel if she found out? He was like, she would
be devastated, and I'm like, okay, well understand, man, just complicated,
like whatever. So we start texting and he starts trying
to be sexual. Before we had talked about any sort
(27:22):
of compensation yeah, And I was like, okay, before we
get into all that, like how much are you considering
paying me? And he was like, well, I don't pay
for sex. And I was like, well, you are paying
for sex, and he was like, this isn't that kind
of thing. I can give you an allowance And there
was a difference between like payment and allowance. Why do
you think men are so they like refuse to admit
(27:44):
they're paying for it even though they obviously are.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
I think there's a stigma associated with paying with it
as well. I mean, when you think about it, it
is the world's oldest profession, right, and people still have
an issue saying they pay for it because it's a
big point of pride for men to say I've never
paid for sex.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
Ah, heat is that true?
Speaker 1 (28:05):
You know you've never heard a man sort of brag
I've never paid for sex. That's enough for me that
I have.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Brought it up to men. I brought it up to
my brother. There was this one guy who was going
to pay me five hundred dollars to go on dates
with him, inclusive of sex, and I said, if you
give me a thousand dollars, I'll do it, and he
was like no, and I was like, Okay, well then
it's just not going to happen. And I also wasn't
again like sold on it. I was sort of just.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
You were dabbling.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Yeah, totally. Yeah. But when I told my brother about it,
he was like, how embarrassing? Da da da da da.
And for me, I was like, I don't know. If
he has five hundred dollars to throw around, it's a
bit of a flex to me, like he's got some
money and he's using it. Like, I don't know if
there should be so much shame about it, except for
the guy who was married, there should probably be a
little bit of I don't have a shame.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
We really do need to connect on multiple different ways
with our partner, and intimacy is extremely important, and if
you're not being met there, it can feel really isolating.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
Yeah, you can feel so alone.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
A lot of my clients when they first come to me,
they say, I feel like I have a great roommate,
and I hear that time and time again, and they
are talking to me because they no longer just want
a roommate, they want to reconnect.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
What's your first piece of advice to a couple When
they say my husband feels like my roommate and I
hate him.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
I hate I don't know if it's for better or worse.
When people come to me, they don't hate each other yet. Oh,
they are looking for ways to find each other again.
So my advice to them is how what are things
you connect on? I try and find ways for them
to focus on what brings them together. I often ask
couples how they met and what attracted them to each
(29:57):
other in the first place, totally because I want to
find some common ground for them to agree on and
a positive memory, right because so I'm always trying to
take them back to something good that happens, something positive,
and we can build from there. Because couples will have
no problem getting into a couple session with me or
their individual sessions with me and telling me all of
the bad things. So I try, when they're together, especially
(30:17):
to try and remind them of the good things. So
I start, you lead with curiosity and gratitude. Those are
my rules in session because I think that that's a
really good way to build connection.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
So simple, but it can be so difficult to do.
Like again, I think probably because there are so many
cultural expectations around sex, like I'm thinking specifically of this
one girl I was talking with about her sex life,
and like she really didn't want to teach her partner anything.
Like she had this partner, this boyfriend who was like
(30:50):
a perfect boyfriend in so many ways, checked all the boxes,
but in the bedroom, he was not as experienced as
she was, and she was so mad at him about it.
And I finally cent her. I was like, you're gonna
have to change your perspective.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Thank you, Yes, Like you're gonna.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Have to like be okay with the fact that he
is not what your idea of what a man should be,
and like untangling that can be so difficult. If someone
says I don't have kinks, what do you say to them?
Speaker 1 (31:23):
I begin to question a little bit. I have to
dig a little further, because if they say they don't
have kinks, I ask, what do you fantasize about? What
are you interested in? How do you know you're going
to have sex? Like what's the foreplay? Like, what's it
like during? What are you saying to each other? What
happens when you come, what happens when he comes? I
just dig in to see I needed almost a clinical
explanation of what's happening step by step to understand and
(31:44):
see if I could point to anything that's slightly kinky.
And I have one couple and I really think they
might be vanilla. There the most vanilla couple I've ever
spoken to.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Say more about vanilla they and.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
I shouldn't use that word because people hate that word.
Non kinky, non kinky. They havetionary sex where they say
I love you. There's no degradation. There's so crazy, it's
can a kink be I love you? My God? I'm like, yes,
like tell.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Me even if you don't know me, please, like that
can't happen.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
Yes, you can absolutely ask for someone to say I
love you during sex and you just say I won't
hold you to this, but can you say this because
it really does it for me?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah? Okay, So vanilla sex to you is like missionary
eye contact, like nothing outside of maybe what the Bible
would tell us to.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Do pretty much.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Okay, why do you think it's important for her or
them to identify it?
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Like?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Can a couple just have a vanilla ask sex life
and be happy and fine forever? Or do you think
she's missing something? Do you want?
Speaker 1 (32:42):
Oh? No, I do not think she's missing any Okay,
I am one of the I get an arguments in
my dms and on social media actually do.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
I'm sure people are up in those dyes where they'll say.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Like, well, my kink relationship is just so much deeper
than any vanilla relationship I've ever had, And I'm like, yeah,
that's because you are kinky. Kinksters can have just as
deep a relationship, and it's about feeling seen and having
your needs met. So yes, for me, I need kink
and a vanilla relationship isn't going to hit as deep,
it's not going to run as deep for me in connection.
(33:14):
But two vanilla people, if they're both having their needs met,
guess what the connection is there, so their cup is
full totally in the same way.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
This makes complete sense. What are some jools or practices
you recommend to people to explore kink safely, especially when
they're like new or nervous.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Start slow, Start small. It's like I don't know if
you've ever skied, but it's you ski down to the
lower skiers level hill, the bunny hill. You are not
going on your double black diamond right. Start small, and
there's no such thing as too small. I would rather
you over communicate and really break things down into tiny
stepping stones. You think you're into impact play, which is
(33:56):
it might be paddling belts, it's hitting someone maybe on
the upper back with a flogger or on the butt.
What I'm going to say is the first implement you
use is your hand for a handspanking, because you can't
do too much damage with that, right, So you have
to start small. If you're into power exchange, you don't
want to dive into a twenty four to seven thing
where you take on You meet a dominant man and
(34:18):
he takes control of what you're wearing and he tells
you what to eat. You don't want to jump straight
into that. I don't care. If that's your biggest fantasy,
you figure it out by you go on one date
with him, You go in a couple of dates, you
get to know them as a person, you decide if
you trust them, and then maybe on the next date
they get to tell.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
You what to wear totally.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
You know that slow level steps, baby steps. Yes, I
recommend everybody does some research, and there are so many
places to get free resources for research. You can look online,
even social media. But I would recommend getting books, peer
reviewed books.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
What's your favorite book to start with.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
I always give people two books in the New Topping
Book and the New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and
Dossy Easton. They wrote both of those books, and they're
such great introductory books. Some people might say they're boring
if you're more advanced, but I'm like, no, this is
exactly what I'm giving. Especially if I have a couple
where one's kicking the other's not kinky, I will give
them both these books and say you both have to
read these books.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Oh, that's sextuy homework together.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Oh I'm all of that.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
Yeah, okay. If someone's a bit of a people please
her myself included same in bed and they've just realized
they've never asked themselves what they want. Where do they start.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Outside of the bedroom. So what I recommend what they
start doing is checking in with themselves day to day
on random things. They go to the store, they have
an interaction with someone at the store. I want them
to create a feedback loop with themselves. How did I
feel about that interaction? What did I need from it?
Did I get what I need? Because that's a muscle
you need to work and you need to start working.
(35:49):
So the last place I recommend is starting in the
bedroom with it, because it's confusing. I want you practicing
that in every area of your life so that by
the time you get into the bedroom, which is quite
complex and vulnerable place to be, you are attuned to
yourself and you understand you're used to asking yourself how
you feel about certain situations and what you need for moments.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
Yeah, I've never thought about it that way. Like, I
feel like I have so many girlfriends who like really
don't know how to communicate what they need in the bedroom.
They're so scared to say what they want.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
How are they outside of the bedroom?
Speaker 2 (36:20):
And that's totally totally yes. And that's what I'm realizing.
Is like at the grocery store and I know I'm
this way, like my hairstylist wants to cut my hair
a certain way and I don't really want it, but
I say yes anyways because I want to be nice.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
I totally see how that could like transfer to someone's
sex life.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
Really it does.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
And is that muscle?
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Okay? The hairstylist is the prime example where to bring
that up. Check in with yourself before you agree to
something because that's a difficult con I don't why do
we have such anxiety at the hair salon?
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Oh, just because we're really not allowed to say no
as women are supposed to stay small and be nice exactly,
and any sort of like, any sort of expectation we
give or feedback we give that's not just easy is
round upon. Yeah, okay, I have one last question for you.
Why should everyone embrace kink?
Speaker 1 (37:12):
I don't know if everyone should embrace kink, but I
think that they should accept it and understand that it
is a normal part of human sexuality. It's a normal
part of intimacy for some people, and I want everyone
to understand there's no stigma around it. Some people just
enjoy expressing themselves this way, and we need to empathize
with people who do so totally understand and accept that
(37:34):
this is just a part of intimacy. Sex education is
not great at the best of times, never mind moving
into what real intimacy is, what real vulnerability is. So
I just ask everyone give themselves and other people a
little grace when they're communicating with their partners or even
themselves about what they're looking for.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
At the end of the day, isn't Boys Over really
about giving ourselves grace? Grace to explore, experiment, and understand.
Thank you so much to Amanda for coming in and
teaching us all about kink and how it can benefit
us in and out of the bedroom. I hope this
(38:21):
conversation brought people closer to understanding what it is they
actually want. Thanks everyone for listening, and I'll talk to
you all next week. Boys Over is a production of
(38:45):
iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host, Hope ordered. Our executive producers
are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. Our supervising producer is
Emily Meronoff engineering by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering
by a boz Afar. If you liked this episode, please
tell a friend and don't forget to rate, review, and
(39:05):
subscribe to boy Sober on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
and wherever you get your favorite shows.
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