Phone Tap: Alan Winterbottom Delivers Your Food

If you knew your food delivery was coming via an 80-year old man would it make you question everything? Don’t worry, we made it happen to one of our Phone Tap victims so you don’t even have to worry about it!

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:16):
It's time for your phone tap and imagine for whatever reason,
your Uber Eats driver calls you to say he's gonna
be late.

Speaker 3 (00:23):
Oh that's happened. Yeah, it sucks, yeah, and you're trying
to figure out why.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Usually that conversation would be pretty normal, like I got
lost or I got stuck in traffic, the restaurant took
too long. But not when eighty nine year old Alan
Winterbottom is your delivery driver away.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
He sells his driver's barely and.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
He's gonna tell you all about why he's late. And
if you don't listen to him, he's ready to pick
a fight. Oh no, it's your phone tap right now.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
It's another right, Hello, Yes, Hello.

Speaker 3 (01:04):
Gosh ear pods are dunk and junk? Is this Sarah
mc Yes? You you you ordered delivery from from a
breets right?

Speaker 1 (01:19):
Yes?

Speaker 2 (01:19):
Are you at the door?

Speaker 3 (01:21):
Well, not quite. I am your delivery driver. My name
is Alan Winterbottom. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Nice to meet you.

Speaker 3 (01:32):
Are you close by or do you know when you're
gonna be here?

Speaker 1 (01:36):
Well?

Speaker 3 (01:36):
No, so you live in kind of a bad part
of town. Did you know that?

Speaker 1 (01:41):
No, kind of over here? Are you sure you have
the right address?

Speaker 3 (01:46):
Yeah? No, I got it. This is a I mean
it's a regular neighborhood. Okay, well that's not the problem.

Speaker 1 (01:53):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:54):
I was driving and my prostates started doing loop to loops.
It's like, oh God, why is that information pertinent right now? Well,
when nature calls, you gotta answer, all right, And I
didn't have the dipe on. If you need to go
like I this was not shod make too much information

(02:15):
for me? Should you yeaper? There? Gen z what? I'm
sure you'll tweet about this later. I'm trying to have
a conversation. Don't means you know you're supposed to respect
your elders when they're talking. Do you please don't talk
to me like that? Okay, now you sound like my
second ex wife, Helen. She passed from the gout. Thank God.

(02:37):
Why that hussy's still nagging me from the grave?

Speaker 2 (02:40):
You're unbelievable.

Speaker 1 (02:41):
Man.

Speaker 3 (02:41):
I don't know what your deal is. I had to
pull into one of one of the Marco stations do
a little tcb y taking care of busyness. I mean
you're not the same.

Speaker 2 (02:52):
Okay, great, anyway, can you tell me when you're gonna
be here?

Speaker 1 (02:56):
This?

Speaker 3 (02:56):
And I've been in here ten minutes and I just
realized now they ran out of teepee.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
Sure please, I don't want to know any of this.

Speaker 3 (03:04):
It's like the movie Castaway. Have you seen that one?

Speaker 1 (03:07):
Can you?

Speaker 3 (03:08):
I'm stranded over here. I'm looking down at Wilson staring
back at me. All right, my boy, you're screwed.

Speaker 2 (03:15):
Oh my god, that is way too much information.

Speaker 3 (03:18):
Will you asked?

Speaker 1 (03:19):
I did not ask. The only thing I'm trying to
get out of you is to tell me when.

Speaker 2 (03:24):
You're gonna be here.

Speaker 3 (03:25):
I'm trying to tell you I can't until I get
some teepee. So if you could come meet me at
the Arco.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
You're telling me that you're expecting me to bring you
toilet paper to a gas station.

Speaker 3 (03:36):
I don't. I am an old man. And if you
would come over and make alan winter bottoms bottom better,
oh gosh, that's a you say that five times fast,
Alan Winter bottoms bottoms better, please bottoms bottom. I can't
see it.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
This is disgusting.

Speaker 3 (03:54):
I'm hanging up.

Speaker 1 (03:55):
Well, I need to get a different delivery.

Speaker 3 (03:57):
Don't get your pennies in a bundles.

Speaker 2 (03:59):
Do not say that to me.

Speaker 3 (04:01):
I didn't want no hoodlums to swipe your food, so
I brought your pant tie into the john with me.
I mean, I'm keeping it warm on my lap.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Okay, I'm done.

Speaker 3 (04:13):
Oh yeah, this is just like when Nurse Julie read
just my pelvic bone. I am disgusted right now. Your
sister Charlotte didn't seem disgusted by it when I talked
to her. What She actually likes seniors and appreciates them,
unlike some people.

Speaker 2 (04:32):
Who is this.

Speaker 3 (04:35):
I'm not an old man.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
I'm a radio host. My god, this is my real voice.
My name's jeff I'm sorry. I'm from brook and Jeffrey
in the morning, and your sister Charlotte wanted to set
you up for a prank call.

Speaker 1 (04:49):
Oh my god, I'm gonna kill her.

Speaker 3 (04:52):
Hey, I'm gonna swing bi. If I can use your
crapper for a second, that'd be nice. No, God, just
put some loud music on. You won't be able to
hear nothing.

Speaker 1 (05:04):
That voice.

Speaker 2 (05:05):
I never want to hear that voice ever again.

Speaker 3 (05:07):
Play some of those modern jams, you know, hoop them
gumnum style.

Speaker 2 (05:11):
Hope, thank you.

Speaker 3 (05:14):
Oh, don't just hurt my knee on that one.

Speaker 1 (05:17):
I'm going to kill her?

Speaker 2 (05:19):
Who to kill her?

Speaker 1 (05:21):
Weak up? Every morning was fum tabs weekday mornings on
the twenties Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning