August 16, 2022 • 48 mins
Cheryl is joined by Bachelor alum Nick Viall in hopes that his current relationship success might help her on her path. Age gap, ego, sexual partners, sliding into the DMs, should Cheryl be the Bachelorette? Is it okay to text an Ex? Is it possible to get too obsessed too fast? It’s like it’s the night before a final exam and Nick and Cheryl are cramming it all in!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
This is Burke in the Game and I heard radio podcast.
Hey guys, welcome to Burke in the Game. I'm very
excited about today's episode, but before we get there, I'd
like to, as usual, give you a little update on
how I'm doing. So I'm prepping right now to UM,
I guess start a project that I can't talk about yet,
(00:24):
and I feel very I guess low and energy at
this moment. I'm on a nine hundred calorie a day diet.
I know that sounds crazy, and before you judge, you know, UM,
this is something that I for me and for my
own sanity, that I need to do. I'm not promoting
that everybody go on a diet that is nine hundred calories,
but because of my body dysmorphia. I mean, you're witnessing
(00:45):
it right now as I as I'm telling you that, UM,
there is probably an not ideal weight that I'm trying
to hit. But UM, at the end of the day,
if this is what's going to bring peace of mind
before starting this project or when I start the project,
then so be it. So I just wanted to give
you that update as far as my sobriety goes. UM,
I did a sit down interview with Good Morning America
(01:07):
UM about my sobriety, but also, you know, because of
this podcast, they heard that they heard UM the part
where I talked about how, you know, at times I
do feel like drinking again, and I have to say,
as far as that goes, I am better. I'm back
in a twelve step program, so that is very exciting.
So I am, you know, trying to get through it
(01:28):
and trying not to rush through it or trying not
to judge myself while I go through it, because you know,
with one of the steps, it's pretty intense because it
asks you to basically write down, you know, any person
you've ever had any type of resentment towards, and then
to basically, you know, hold yourself accountable as well. And
I guess for me, what was overwhelming during the beginning
(01:48):
stages of the divorce was the fact that I didn't
want to go there. I felt so like my heart
felt so heavy as it was um already during that time.
Yet you know, I know that me feeling like wanting
to drink again had a lot to do with the
fact that I wasn't in the program. So I just
wanted to update you guys that I'm back in the program,
(02:11):
taking it one step at a time, one minute at
a time. Um and yeah, so that is the update.
Now for our guest for today's podcast, it's gonna be
Nick vill or Vile or I don't know, but um yeah,
I'm very excited to have him on because we actually
have something in common. We both did Dancing with the Stars.
(02:31):
I wasn't on the season that he was on. I
was taking a break, But um, I can't wait to
hear about his experience and all of this amazing advice
he gives to people on his podcast, Vile Files. So
you won't want to miss it. Hi, how are you?
(02:56):
How long has it been? Was I on your season
of Dancing with the Stars? No, you weren't. You took
that season off? Okay, Okay, I was wondering. I was like,
I don't I vaguely, I'm like, I'm sure I would
have remembered you. But yeah, I figured we met once
in like passing, but we never like really yeah, hung
out like salsa dance or anything. Definitely never saw dance. Um,
(03:18):
so we do have that in common. Um, do you
did you have a good experience on Dancing the Stars?
Or was it really hardcore. I loved it. Yeah, Like
my only regret is I wish I would have just
enjoyed it a little bit more. I think I really,
like I wanted to do well, and like I worked
really hard, and I got I got a little too nervous,
(03:39):
like you know, and it wasn't until like the end,
until after like I got like eliminated, and they like
brought back some of like the people who did well
to like you know, do your best dance and stuff
like that that I like just having fun. So um,
but overall, I really enjoyed it and I had a
ton of fun. And your partner was Peter Schmikowsky at
(03:59):
the time or Murgatroyd still she was with Max. But
you know she I think she still on Dancing with
the Stars. She had just had her baby, like she right,
I mean it was yeah, she was like literally just
had the baby. Yeah, okay, her like coming back, yes,
and and so you were her workout basically basically yeah,
(04:22):
So what did you because I believe, you know, for me,
dance has been my whole life and um, in a
way has saved my life in in many ways. But
for you, what was I guess What was your takeaway
with um with Dancing with Stars. What did you learn
that maybe brought into your life today or did you
not learn much other than the chacha? Yeah, I mean
(04:42):
other than like I really enjoyed. I mean I've always
liked dancing, you know, like as a kid from Wisconsin,
I you know, I was always a hood at the weddings,
so to speak. But like, yeah, I mean I I
never like I wouldn't say it like it was like
some sort of like formative an experience, so to speak.
(05:03):
But um, it certainly gave me a vast appreciation for, um,
you know, what you guys do, and just like just
how technical it is, you know, because that was the
biggest struggle for me, is you know, like you knows.
As obviously a male competitor, I watched people like Max
and Val and and their ability to not only dance
(05:25):
and do all the steps perfectly, but like truly be
in the moment and perform, you know, and like terms
in my by performed, I mean like get into the
character of the dance and things like that, which, you know,
something I struggled with because I was always just like
one to like, you know, like our arms up like that,
and so I had this such an appreciation for the
(05:46):
ability to do that, and um, so it was just
really cool to see it looks a lot easier than
it is, right, I mean liked, Yeah, you're like, oh
I club dance, I can definitely ballroom dance, and I'm
you're you're up for a route awake inning. But um,
from what I saw, you didn't do bad at all.
I thought you guys looked great together dancing as a
whole another beast and then dancing with a partner. Um.
(06:07):
And then when you compare yourself to Max and Vale,
which isn't a fair comparison, it probably you know, look,
we've done this since we were kids. So like for us,
we can rumble, walk to the toilet, half sleep, you know,
like that's just what we do. But um, with what
you guys are doing on the show, you're just completely vulnerable.
You're doing something you've never done before in front of
millions of people wearing rhinestone, spray tan and the occasional guyliner. Right, Like,
(06:32):
it's not, Um, it's not the best scenario. But yet
when you embrace it and when you are vulnerable, it
brings out a beautiful side of you, and it really
is about the journey. How long did you last till
I was me? And and uh um, I was like
top five six we it was a double elimination and
I went home in a double elimination, So I missed
(06:54):
the final four by one week. That sucks, man. Anyway, Well,
there's always All Stars. Okay, let's move on to bigger
and better things. So you have an amazing girlfriend, right, Natalie.
You guys are really really cute. How did you guys meet?
If you don't mind talking about it. She slid into
my d M s. So she uh, she hit it up,
(07:15):
you know, she went for what she wanted and what
made you be like this is the one I'm sure
a lot of people slide into your d M s. Nick,
Uh Well, I mean why I responded, was I you know,
I thought she was attractive. I didn't. You know, it's
not you don't It's not much to go on on
on Instagram in terms of or Also, I think you
(07:37):
make a mistake of thinking you can learn a ton
by whatever people post. But I didn't find her attractive
and and and responded, um, and it took you know,
and we eventually met up and and got to know
each other and UM, and we hung out for nine
months off and on, UM and Uh eventually we gotten
(08:00):
a relationship, but mostly based off the fact that she
was UM very confident and and what she thought we
could be. And it was probably her confidence that and
her confidence and her patience with me that allowed us
to finally become a couple and being a successful relationship.
(08:22):
How long have you guys been together? About two years now? Okay?
And so you guys have an age gap? Does that
even matter? Like, because listen, I'm single. Just to give
you a little backstory, I'm newly divorced. I'm not even
technically divorced yet, but getting there. And I sucked at
the dating stuff um prior and I'm assuming I still do,
(08:42):
but I haven't tried, right, And so like I'm the
reason why I'm asking UM so many questions about your
personal life is because I'm hoping to learn something today.
So maybe you can help me out here. I think
I think it can matter, you know, Like, you know,
it was something that UM, I had a lot of
hesitating about, you know, UM, and you know when we
(09:05):
were kind of just hanging out, UM, it was something
I was you know, just nervous about the role it
would play in our relationship. UM. And she was you know,
less nervous and more confident. And I think the way
I finally accepted it and was willing to take a
risk because you know, listen, every anytime you meet someone, um,
(09:28):
regardless of you know, for example, like I quickly learned
um about that you know that hurdles so to speak,
you know, because it's like hell, they are you and
you know, you learned that fast. So some things you
can learn quickly like that. Other things you have to
get to know someone to like peel back some like
potential like you know, hurdles or something that could like
(09:49):
affect compatibility, right, and so um, you know, I we
we were not we were not delusioned by that, you know,
like we accepted that possible ability. We didn't pretend it
wasn't a potential challenge, and we didn't pretend it was
something that we needed to be mindful of. Uh. Thankfully,
you know, when we spent time together, it's not something
(10:11):
that we really felt all that much, UM in terms
of you know, we felt like we were very much
each other's equals. We we felt very much like equal
partnerships in terms of, like, you know, the power dynamic
we didn't feel was waited one direction or the other,
and we were both mindful of that, and it was
a priority for both of us to make sure that
(10:33):
we we maintain that level of equality. Um. You know,
we talked about like we were in our lives in
terms of what we wanted out of relationships in terms
of like, you know, how quickly we wanted to have
kids and things like that, and that seemed to really
line up. And so but you know, it's it's it's
things that like that. I think you just you always
and enter any relationship, you just always have to be
(10:54):
mindful of like listen, here's where we're really compatible, here's
where we're fit. Here some areas in which, you know,
we we might not be totally aligned or on the
same page, but that doesn't necessarily mean we can't make
it work. And then you have to start prioritizing what
is a bigger priority for you and and and make
it work. And that's kind of just the approach we took, um.
(11:15):
And you know, because like you know, for example, like
one of the people ask questions like that, I'm like,
I'm on my show. You know, I'm not here to
tell like I don't know, like I'm not here to
tell people what's what's right or right. You don't have
the solutions because if you did, you'd be busy. Well yeah,
and like, you know, there's so many different types of
relationships out there these days, right, And I think, you know,
(11:36):
it's hard enough to find some find people we connect with.
So I think it's important not to judge ourselves which
other people, but also be honest with ourselves about the
situations we're putting ourselves in and just you know, just
be honest with like, hey, this could be a challenge,
Like how do we address that, because a lot of people,
instead of doing that, we'll just tell themselves, Oh, it's
not a big deal. I'm different, or we're different, or
(11:58):
the situation is different. And then and and that that
lack of compatibility or that potential hurdle will will come up,
and instead of just being prepared for it or acknowledging
that it is a thing, you you kind of ignore it.
And then that does start affecting the relationship in ways
that you didn't expect, and then you know, kind of
bleeds into other aspects of the relationship and creates maybe
(12:19):
anxiety or jealousy or confusion and things like that. I
hear you. So you mentioned kids. So is this something
that you guys have talked about marriage and kids or
just kids both. Yeah, I mean getting married and having
kids is still as a praier for both of us.
And it's something that you know, I think, um, we
see in the not too it's not so distant future. Um,
(12:42):
there's no like immediate plans or anything like that, but
it's definitely like you know, neither of us are like, hey,
I'm not ready to I'm five years away or ten
years away or anything like that. So it's definitely you know,
on our radar. That's amazing. I love that. Um, well,
congrats on your relation ship. I think that sounds beautiful
and I love your I guess all of your knowledge
(13:04):
when it comes to relationships. I hear it on your
podcast it's vile files just because it rhymes, but it's
really that's not how you pronounce Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay,
got it. And so I was listening to it and
I'm I'm going to ask you some questions and maybe
you can give me some advice. Yeah, let's do it. So, um,
(13:34):
I guess when you talk about like, okay, yeah, just
be honest with yourself and about yourself and like your
actual priorities and with that other person. You know, in
the beginning, it's this like honeymoon phase, right, and you're
kind of especially as a woman. Um, I tend to
maybe exaggerate the what I want depending on who it is,
(13:56):
right I. If I really like the person, then maybe
I'll be like, yeah, I love Repped aisles, you know,
and I'm not really like a huge yeah reptile um person.
But um, and then things get real after a few months.
So what is your advice on? Like, I get also
very obsessed and I'm an addict, so it's either all
(14:20):
or nothing. So I've been advised when I am ready
to date, because I'm not ready to date just yet,
but when I am ready to date a pool of
men so that I don't get so fixated on a one.
Do you agree. I can see the logic there, right,
I'm not I've never done that before, so it's really
(14:40):
weird for me. You know, I'm not that familiar with addiction.
I mean, I'm familiar with it in the concept that
like people experience it, but I don't have a lot
of knowledge around that, but I that logic makes sense, right,
And again, like everyone's different, so for you to recognize that, hey,
I have a habit of if I like anything about someone,
I history has told me that I have, you know,
(15:03):
like really jumped the gun and become obsessive over one
thing and convinced myself that I really like them, and
then I kind of stopped learning about them. Uh. And yeah,
I think it's good to like find tools to like,
you know, hold us more accountable to ourselves, so to speak, right,
especially early on right, Like, I think it's good to
(15:25):
play the field a little bit because it's fun to
get excited about people we meet. Like, that's a normal
feeling to feel excitement. And we all desire love and connection,
but you know we we often men and women and
not just you and not people who suffer from addiction
have a tendency of of feeling that connection and then
just deciding that, oh, I like this person, and then
(15:48):
instead of like continue to learn about the person they
barely know, Um, they will just say I want now now.
Their goal becomes I want them to like me, and
then become upset us with making sure that the person
likes them, rather than to say, well, I'm really excited.
I like what I know so far, but there's so
much I don't know about this person. So I'm going
(16:09):
to enjoy this being excited about someone and then tell myself, Hey,
I just this is exciting, this is fun. But let's
just keep learning, Let's keep asking questions. Let's let's be
open minded to the possibility that we're excited, but maybe
I won't be as excited three weeks from now when
I learn more. But sometimes we're so afraid of learning
(16:30):
more because we we like this this, We make up
this fantasy head like I've got the most amazing episode
of General Hospital in my head. It's like, and it's
not real, this is all this is not. But then
I believe the thoughts. So this is why I am
saying I'm not ready to date, because I understand that
infatuation period, and um, I tend to like I follow
(16:53):
through man, like, no matter what, I will be there
and I will give you a D And then yet
you know when you're for that in return, I just
get disappointed. I'm setting myself up for failure in a
way when it comes to expectations thinking that everyone needs
to be like me or the person I'm dating. How
do you date multiple people at the same time. It
(17:13):
was a lot of boundaries and you know, like it's honesty,
you know, um what type of boundaries? Well, early on,
I would say boundaries with yourself, you know again, like uh,
tell yourself, you know, you kind of have a conversation
with yourself, like what what am I willing to do?
You know? Like for example, if I do I get
really like if I hook up with someone, do I
(17:35):
feel more or emotionally connected to them? Regardless, just because
like hey, sex can be intimate or a physical connection
can make me feel closer, and can that be misleading
to me? You know? So like maybe maybe I'm gonna
like slow things down physically, especially if I'm dating multiple
people and you know earlier sex with multiple people at
the same time. And I'm kidding it depends, right, I mean, listen,
(17:58):
if I think here's the thing, you know that, yeah,
I have sexy d I fall in love fast. So
if you know that, then yeah, then like I think
other other people aren't like that. So but if you
know that about yourself, it's probably good to like, maybe
you know, slow that down. Yeah, and and you know
it's like, have you ever met someone like long distance? Right?
(18:19):
You know, yeah, someone in England? Right and and and
the fun part about getting to know someone who lives
so far is like your face time and you're texting,
and it really it really helps you build that emotional
connection really fast because like you can really have some
really good, rich, deep conversations. Um. The only you know,
the downside of that is that sometimes you fill in
(18:40):
the gaps of what it would be like elsewhere. But
the good but the good news is is that you
are forced to talk, right and so and I think
the big thing is is always finding that balance, right,
I think for you know, and ibly I imagine you know,
as someone who suffers from addiction, balances a struggle for you.
(19:01):
But yeah, but but finding tools to have more balance
and boundaries around, like, hey, I have a habit of
doing this. What's my like what's my kind of red
flag to myself of like, hey, this is I recognize
this feeling in the past, you know, because like you know,
like you know, for your you and I, you know,
(19:21):
as we've gotten older, you've experienced heartbreak in the past.
I've experienced heartbreak in the past, and my only hope
for me is this, like all these mistakes I've been
in the past, I was just trying to avoid make
him in the future, and so it was just it
was this more, you know, like some people will call
it cynicism to say, you know, like to have certain
boundaries or to say, hey, that's great, like you know,
(19:43):
in the past, like you know, twenty two year old
me would get excited and and have these kind of
thoughts of like, oh, we like we're so great together,
and this is I feel like I've known you forever
and there must be something really special and unique between us,
because like, I can't imagine feeling this way about someone
and have it not be special and unique. But the
(20:03):
reality is it's just like there's nothing really like that's
not what makes it special, you know. To me, what
makes it special is like doing the work and building
it and then having that kind of honest realization that
at any moment feelings can change, and that and knowing
that it makes us. For me, I want to be
more protective and putting the effort in the relationships because
(20:25):
they all take work, and I think sometimes we make
the mistake when we're younger of thinking that the you know,
the special the movies, right, and so that we label
something special, you know, our relationships, and whether consciously or subconsciously,
I think that implies that we it it should be
easy and it doesn't require work or effort. And that's
(20:47):
just not the case, you know, especially nowadays with so
many people having so many options and temptation and so
much access to dating around and and and connecting with people,
and as soon as one thing doesn't like, as soon
as there's kind of like a law in a relationship,
it's very easy to like, you know, meet a man
or a woman who you're like, oh, I gotta chemistry
with them, and they didn't piss me off this week,
(21:09):
and maybe maybe I should like, you know, uh, explore
that sex with them. Yeah. Yeah, So I think it's
just really you know, a you know, how do you
know your limits? You know, know your weakness is right,
and be honest about that and take things slow if
you're gonna date around and I'm kidding, well, you know,
(21:30):
it's one of those things like and then like do
you tell everyone like, you know, I don't think if
you're dating multi people, you're just like listen, just you
know I'm gating post on Instagram. Yeh, but but I
also do a podcast about dating like what I'm doing.
I mean it's just a little sure, but like I
also think if someone says, hey, you know, like you
meet someone, you get excited and all of a sudden
like hey, just like are you dating other people? You
(21:50):
can say like, yeah, I've you know, I think I
am dating. I I want to take things slow and
I'm enjoying the multiple people and I think honestly that
keeps people on or toes to also a serial monogamous,
so I know that not everybody is like that. As
I'm learning, Um, but it is difficult. I think I
(22:11):
haven't tried it being me dating other people at the
same time. But yeah, this is going to be about
me retraining my brain. Now, another question like when how
do you how do you make it work when the
woman makes more money than your partner? You gotta find
a guy who's confident in himself. You know what does
(22:31):
that consist of? Nick? Uh? You know it's a have
you ever dated someone that made more money than you? Um?
I think one girlfriend I had in my twenties. There's
a period of time where you know, I think she
was making more than me. Um, yeah, I'm for me Personally,
(22:54):
I'm always very attracted to you know, motivated women and
women who you know, prioritize their careers or just prioritize
have a passion in something, and so I I've always
been attracted to successful people in general. It doesn't emasculate
you by any means or no, well, I mean listen
to say, by any means, like I think to dismiss
(23:16):
that altogether, I don't know if that would be like
I think, Listen, I've always been a competitive person, right,
so would that drive me to work harder? Sure, where
that like where there might be moments of like having
to like check my ego, I'm sure it would. But
at the end of the day, I find it to
be really attractive people who have passions and success and
(23:38):
and unless I was dating someone who made me feel
bad about it, I wouldn't have a problem with it,
you know, Like I would find it to be really attractive.
And there's not there's a lot of guys who aren't
like that, but I think there's plenty of men who are.
And I think it's just you know, I think it's
probably really be important for you to date someone who
who was really confident. And I think sometimes it's hard
(23:58):
to read confidence because it sometimes can be read as like,
you know, bravado and like kind of yeah, peacock energy.
I have lots of men in the dance world, but
I you know that are confident, maybe egotistical, maybe narcissists,
I don't know. But like at the end of the day,
I'm also I don't know, I trying trying not to
date somebody that works in that I see every day. Either,
(24:21):
you know, I would Uh. I've always said it takes
a ton of confidence to admit vulnerability and insecurity. And
I think I think when you are out there dating,
you know, I'm not saying you want to look for
someone who's like, on the first date, like crying to
you about their problems, but I think there's a natural progression, right,
And I think you know, you're on a third or
fourth date, you're connecting with someone, and maybe you share
(24:46):
a vulnerability. I wouldn't share your deepest dark secret, but like,
maybe you share something that makes you vulnerable or a
little insecure, and and the appropriate response from someone who
has a you know, emotional mature, pretty and maybe some
confidence and and some empathy would be to first empathize
with you about this insecure that you shared, thank you
(25:08):
for sharing it, and then open up about something that
maybe they're they're insecure about, which takes confidence, right, And
I think that's something that people often overlook when they're
trying to figure out who's a confident person. It's not
the person who's sticking out their chest in pete cocking
and and and flashing their car or bragging about you know,
you know, certain achievements that they have. In fact that
(25:29):
often like displays insecurity, but like people often confuse that
with confidence early on. So if if you're having a
hard time, especially maybe in your world, you know, see
what guys that you're dating early on are willing to
share a vulnerability of some kind, especially after you were
willing to share one of yours, And I think that
would uh, that's that's a good sign that you might
(25:52):
be doing someone with some real confidence and someone who
might who wouldn't be bothered and even and if they
were bothered by it, they could at least effectively communicate
that with you, you know, instead of like pretending it
doesn't bother them and like being dismissed and cold. Maybe
they say something like, you know, listen, like what I
love to make more than you? Sure you know, I
(26:13):
can acknowledge that it bothers me, but I'm also really
proud of you, and I find it really sex to
that you're successful. It just makes me want to maybe
be more motivated to work harder to at least that's
an honest conversation that you can be on the same page,
rather than like a guy pretending it doesn't bother them
and then being a dick you know about you know,
and kind of passively aggressively projecting that insecurity and other
(26:35):
aspects of the relationship. Good advice. You should be my
new therapist and my therapist. But I think this is
a great perspective, Really good you have you been in
therapy because you are really giving great advice Because you
come from my mom and dad that are still married.
Maybe that has a lot to do with it. That helps.
I mean, I definitely do therapy. I I'm just someone
(26:58):
who has had plenty of my own relationships struggles, and
I have been a victim of my own ego and
I've had experienced a lot of heartbreak. I just invested
a lot of energy and time trying to like figure
out the mistakes I was making so that I could,
you know, learn from my mistakes. And I just tried
to have some really honest conversations about my choices and
(27:20):
and these are the things I've learned through my own
experiences that I've I'm just trying to like pass on
to other people. So I love that. I love it. Well,
thank you for I love you. I just said I
love you. I love that. Thank you for sharing. Nick Um. Okay,
another question. Now, I know you dance with Peter Um,
who was in a relationship with Max and still is. Now,
if you had a partner that was single back then,
(27:41):
I'm not saying now obviously for obvious reasons, Um, would
you have dated your dance partner? Or do you like
What I'm trying to get at is I know the
question to my I know the answer to my question.
But should I date my dance partner on Dancing with
the Stars if I do it this season? I mean
I was also in a relationship, so like, sorry, okay,
(28:03):
I hear you. But chance, let's say there was a
world in which I was single and they were single.
I mean, listen, it would be like, listen, those I
can see put it this way. I can try humping
all day anyway, I can see why it's it's desirable
and fun to to do. Um And I'm guessing you've
probably have done it already. It's only been on like
(28:26):
thirty five seasons, right, so I'm sure definitely all five
of them. Yeah, my lesson, but like listen, well, so,
like I guess to that point is it never works?
Well yeah, because my guess is, like, I mean, I'm
sure you're joking a little bit, but it sounds like
you have you've done it never works, don't know what
I'm saying, But how many times have you actually done it?
(28:48):
That's that I don't know. Let me go count, but
a handful of yeah, a handful of times when I
do your podcast, maybe a handful of No, that's a handful,
I mean less than a handful. Okay, So, but I
guess my point is is, like we can agree that
there's a lot of like reasons why, Like I I
(29:08):
wrote this in my book, but like chemistry can be manufactured, right,
you know, and chemistry might be manufactured by the environment.
You know, you common connection, you go to the same church,
can start chemistry. You know, mutual friends hook you up chemistry, Yeah,
and so so you recognize that like this being in
this environment creates this natural chemistry. So like so like
(29:32):
next time you go in, if you do danswering to
the stars and you start feeling chemistry, the first thing
you should tell yourself is, well, I don't know if
it's I don't well not believe it, but like I
would have some skepticism around it, right, I would. I would.
I wouldn't start immediately being like, oh, well I have chemistry,
like let's go for it. I would. I would. I
would actively like slow it down, and then I would
(29:54):
start like trying to not like boundaries, set boundaries right,
and like not give into the physical aspect because it's
so easy to have that physical chemistry with dancing. But
like have some have some ask them real questions, you know,
about their past and their history. You know, you got
always got to prioritize and listen to their answers. And
you know, we have a way of ignoring the bad
(30:16):
answers and and focusing on the good answers because that
feeling is just so addicting. But then I'm like, just
get on a roller coaster, right, you'll feel the same
type of adrenaline. Yeah, so I think it's just like
I don't ever like saying never do something, because there's
exceptions to every rule. But you know, I'm again, I'm
a big believer in learning from your past. Your past
(30:38):
has told you that it's easy to connect with people,
and that might not necessarily be what it actually is.
So if you feel it again, just slow it down,
ask more questions, really trying to get to know them
as maybe after the season, if we're still hot and steamy,
but not hot and steamy meaning like nothing happened. But
you know what I'm saying, Well, that's the only couple
(30:59):
that's ever that has are still married to this day
is Um Robert Hershevik and now Kim Hershevik. And yeah,
so you know it could happen. The ratio and the
statistics isn't very great, but um, you know what, you
never know, and it could be for you a good
practice to slow down. It's like because you know, you
(31:20):
know you're gonna feel that natural chemistry, so that way,
that way you know to the say, you know, just
slow down, I'm gonna slow it down. I'm just gonna
say no to it. And that's a good way to
like tell yourself no, as someone who's not good at
telling him themselves no. I mean, I'm on a roll.
It's been a year now since I haven't had sex.
So we're just we're gonna keep it going. The We're
gonna keep it going until maybe off for me new opportunities,
(31:43):
who knows. But I'm in no rush. Like I said, Um,
so years ago I met with the executive of the
Bachelorette and they were um years ago, like I would say,
six seven years ago, and we were in discussion to
make me the Bachelorette. It didn't happen, obviously. Um, do
(32:04):
you think that this is something that I should do?
The thing is, I'm sober, and I know you guys
get pretty drunk on that show, and I think it
would be one big trigger. Well, I am knowing that
you're sober and that you are an addict. I'm guessing
the sober show, which would really embarrassing and boring. I
think they would accommodate your needs. Um, that's said. I
(32:25):
I don't recommend the batch sharrette or the bat shirt.
Is a is a. It's a it's a way to
meet someone, but I definitely don't think it's the way
to meet people, and I would it's not it's not
the it's not a last resort, it's not our first resort.
I think you go because you're interested in a really
(32:47):
interesting experience, and then you're open to finding love. I
think if you go in, uh, needing to find love,
it's a recipe for disaster. I mean, I'm not needing
to find love either, But like, also I am trying
not to have to sign up for a dating app feither. Why. Um,
I'm just not a fan of Oh what does he
(33:10):
or she look like? Uh? What is the occupation? Okay, Like,
I just would like to maybe go through a matchmaker first,
and if there's nothing there, then I guess I'll try
the app. I I I think that's great. I also think,
like so I think probably you know, and maybe this
(33:30):
might you might relate to this, But like I think
people are when it comes to ways to meet people,
they're all are nothing right Like sounds like me, But
maybe a more effective approach would be to, like, you know,
broaden your options, try out a matchmaker, maybe try one
dating app. Like a dating app is not the end all,
(33:51):
be all it is. It is one way to meet people, right.
The problem with dating apps is that people get on
them and think, oh, well, now, I like they put
too much pressure on themselves. They think it's gonna be there,
saving grace, but they also feel they're like judging themselves
for being on it, you know. And then the thing
about dating apps is that you know, every time you're
(34:12):
swiping right, you know, and if you don't have an
immediate match, there's like there's a little bit of rejection there. Interesting.
And then every time you met like let's and then
you match with someone, and then you know everyone else
is matching with ten fifteen people too, but you're not
thinking about that. And then and then you reach out
to them and you have a quick conversation, and then maybe,
(34:32):
like you know, they don't get back to you. We
don't know why they don't get back to you. Maybe
they're busy, they're out of town, maybe they're connected with
someone else. We don't know, but we always think that, yeah,
and then we feel that rejection. So I think you
have to just go into a dating app with a
lot of boundaries for yourself. Take it slow. You know,
if you match with one person that you like, focus
on that person, see where it goes. At the same time,
(34:54):
tell yourself, I know nothing about this person. Maybe they
have five good pictures on but like you are starting
at zero, and just take it easier and yourself and
take it slow. But like we we're not very patient people.
We want to jump right into it. We want to
we want to get excited, we want to fantasize about
our futures as soon as we feel any type of
excitement or connection. And I think those are the things
(35:16):
that kind of set us up, so set ourselves up
for disappointment. So it's it's like it's really just about
trying to manage our expectations and and see you see,
like you know, I think of rejection is clarity and
not disappointment. But you we have to be able to
kind of train our brains to see it that way.
I mean, not everyone likes us, you know, not everyone's
(35:39):
obsessed with us. Every yeah, and and and then that's okay,
but it's it's hard to hear that. You know, rejection
is tough, and I think getting better at you know,
just facing that, like you know, you can be bombed
like and then like you know, if you get on
the dating app and you feel that, you know, that
sense of like rejection or like the thing, then take
a break. They get off, come back in three weeks.
(36:02):
But like you know, it's people are on dating apps,
their meeting on dating apps. We have to start judging
ourselves for using dating apps. And if we use dating apps,
we have to like you know, take it slow, limited
options and no when to take a break from them,
because they can they can get exhausting and addicting. I'm
I'm pretty sure. Um, okay, so you said that your
(36:22):
girl slid into your d M. Just a couple more questions.
I know you gotta goa is that something I should do?
If you like, hell, hell yeah, if you're into someone,
shoot your shot. Really, I don't know, Like I mean,
I you could, I mean your your shell burke, so
(36:43):
like you could be lazy and just say hi and
chances are you'll get a response. But I I asked, like,
if you're I usually say, if you're gonna, if you're
gonna slide into someone's d M, ask a question, you know,
make it easier for them to respond. And it doesn't
like if let's say, let's say it took a picture
right now, right, Like, let's say this what I'm looking
at of you was a photograph. Like right, let's say
(37:05):
this is on your Instagram. I would look at this
and I would say, uh, like I may I could say,
like I was sliding in your d M. I could
be like, oh my god, I was like where did
you get those pillows? Like it's it's a stupid fucking question.
But the point is like, and if I'm sliding in
your d M, you know that I'm obviously sliding in
your d M. And I'm just asking an easy question
(37:27):
so that if you're interested, you have an easy response, right,
Because how do you respond to high? Or how do
you respond to actually think that's my pet peep. I
will not respond to a hi high, And I will
not respond to an emoji. I find that disgusting. Yeah,
Or how do you respond to like something really weirdly personal,
like how about just like I totally do that. I
(37:48):
could do that two seconds. I just can't do the high. Sure,
but the small talk, Nick kills me. Well, you're gonna
have a small talk a little bit, but really a
little bit. Yeah, you're not teaching, know, you're not supposed to.
You just have to put up with it. It's not
about teaching it. It's just putting up with it because
I'm a horrible text or not sex or text or
and a sextor probably so high and ever ever everyone is.
(38:10):
But like so all then then you know that you
you just want to get to the coffee date faster. Yeah,
if I mean to do a FaceTime to see if
you're not a psycho killer love that you do. Yeah,
absolutely you're not. Like you're totally down for like FaceTime date,
then I can just And then also maybe dinners a
(38:31):
little bit too much of a commitment, Maybe we do coffee,
like you said, totally yeah, especially if you're meeting someone
like via like that you don't know, right, so why
like why would you have a whole meal of food
with someone you don't It takes a lot of time
out of my day. So you get like, and you
don't want to have a small talk via text something
you don't know. So you you like their face, you say,
(38:51):
say they like to travel whatever, So you hop on
a zoom or a FaceTime and then you have a
conversation and you figure out is there like you like
their voice, do you like their sense? Of humor. If
you don't like him, you can disconnect fast and then
like you said, like, yeah, hey, this went well, how
about coffee next week or later this week or something?
And then you take it slow. They're also an easy
out of a coffee date. And then like, and so
(39:14):
I can just run away from if you know, And
then I hike, Yeah, I think it's great to take
it slow. I think, like anything else, you always want
to make sure you're building and moving and progressing and
moving forward, you know, to speaking in language. You take
it slow and you build. Yeah, yeah, don't like don't
you don't plan on like, hey, let's go on a
vacation this week? Why not? Because that's a little nuts
(39:37):
sound amazing though, Like, doesn't that just sound so exciting?
It makes my stomach turn in a good way, And
that's not good to see. This is why I'm not
ready to date yet. You gotta take it right right, Okay?
So what is why do you say in your book
that's coming out soon? Um, don't text your ex happy birthday? Uh?
Why I've done that because they're yours? There? Because no
(40:00):
one's ever actually texting their acts to wish them a
happy birthday. Totally. I totally did how how and how
long have they been in your act there there's like
two three weeks. Yeah, I just think here's the thing.
It's if you're the breaker upper. Well, first of all,
it was my ex soon to be husband, like I
(40:22):
just had to say happy birthday. I mean we like
split up in January's birthdays February, you know what I mean. Like, listen,
there's exceptions to every rule, but I'm a big believer
in generally thinking that if you're breaking up with someone
that you're reaching out to them on their birthday, it's
only gonna ruin their day, you know, because in that
(40:42):
moment and that split second when they got the notification
that you text them two then they read the happy
birthday with nothing else. It's gonna no emoji, just like
they thought. It's just gonna remind them that you still
don't want to be with them. And if you're the
person who was broken up with and you're thinking wishing
them a happy birthday, it's gonna like, you know, you're
(41:04):
just honestly gonna annoy them, you know because like most
likely if you if they broke up with you, they
probably had to like sit down with you, and you
have all those conversations about why they don't want to
be with you, and truly you're just wanting to have
one more conversation because you told yourself that you don't
have a closure that you want and so like it's
just generally not for the birthday, and I just it's
(41:25):
not very productive. And usually it's it's people not being
honest with themselves about what their real true intentions are
with why they're sending the message, Uh, allow yourself to heal.
I always say, if you well, until you're healed. You know,
I don't think I'm ever gonna be a hundred percent healed,
to be quite honest. Like that's a lot of trauma.
(41:45):
It's from when I was a little girl, like that
this all connects, right, But I think that I definitely
could be better. Until you're generally indifferent about the relationship,
got it. I mean, if you yeah, if you don't care,
if like it's if you don't it's like it's like
if you're about me though, like it's more about like again,
like I don't want to fall back into the same pattern,
(42:07):
you know, you know, Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's
just like if you're it's it's you wish them a
happy birthday. They say the same A would like a
cousin you're not very close with be like, oh, I
remember your birthday, so I'll I guess I'll do this
nice because but you don't really care. Then then it's
okay to finally text your acts. But until then, chances
are you have alternative motives that are either gonna negatively
(42:28):
affect them or yourself or both of you. That's not
really going to be beneficial to like moving on and
just being happy. I hear you. I hear you. That's
a lot to process, and I will process it. Um. Okay,
So on vile files, what was the most interesting question
that you've ever received or that you couldn't maybe answer? Hue,
(42:52):
I always try to answer all of them. But I'm
also like, but you're also like humble enough to be like, well,
that's the thing. I have no problem, Like, I'm not
a therapist. There's a lot of things I don't speak
to right, so it's not that like it's not really embarrassing.
Like for example, today we have unfortunately a woman who
called in who um her husband cheated on her with
(43:12):
the nanny she hired most nightmare and then and then
he never admitted to it, and now and now he's
dating her. Oh and they have four kids together, and
now she has to live through that. Um, and that
was a hard one to like try to find some
helpful advice. But um, that's why you gotta always hire
a nanny with no teeth and hair and face on
(43:33):
the hair telling her hair on the Yeah, I'm dyslexic,
sorry am I? Um, yeah, but there's a lot of
things that I don't have answers to, and I'm not
afraid to acknowledge that. You know, I'm very specific on
what I talk about and and very quick to recommend
therapy for people who I mean, we could all use therapy,
but when it comes yeah, when it comes to I'm
(43:58):
not you know, I'm not there to diagnose anyone or
you know, for example, like I've had people calling about addiction,
and I'm very careful about like not speaking on things
I don't have a lot of knowledge about. Um. And
so yeah, I mean, all I'm really trying to do
with questions I get is to to make people feel
a little less powerless and less confused or and and
(44:19):
I'm just trying to change their perspective because so much
about you know, so much that we experience. Um, is
this a matter of of seeing it a different way? Um?
And uh, if we can do that, then we can
you know, get out of our own ways and and
enjoy our days a little bit more. And you know,
sometimes we can get addicted to pain. I know I
(44:41):
have our heartbreak you know, no, no, but maybe you
know I I I feel like in some ways I
have addictive personality. But thankfully I've never I've never uh
like I've I've been. I've been thankful enough to that
there's substances of that don't aren't are We could be
addicted to good things, you know, Like right now I'm
(45:03):
addicted to, um uh this thing called diamond painting. It's
like an arts and crafts thing. And I'm yeah, I
am that old lady. Yeah, I have an obsessive side
of my personality for sure, which you know, um, it's
my I can obsess with my thoughts. Um. But yeah,
so just and that's that's something that I've had to
(45:23):
try to manage, right because yeah, heartbreak is something that
I think you can be addicted to for sure, And
and it's just you've got to be really careful to
try to not getting those those kind of traps. Yeah.
Now one more question before we go here. Do you
believe in couples therapy? I think it's are you advice currently?
(45:44):
And I mean this is something that me and my ex,
I mean from when we dated because we had history,
so we dated before. But um, I this was a
requirement that I to come with me to couples therapy.
We've talked about it. I think we will do it.
We're not currently doing it. But uh yeah, when it
comes to a couple of therapy, I think that you
want to it's it's it's better served if it's sought
(46:07):
as like a seat belt or a bicycle helmet. It's
less productive if you think of it as reconstructive surgery.
You're trying to fix somebody instead of like yeah, or
just like are your wait till there's a huge problem,
like someone cheated or something like that. Like, I mean,
I don't know, maybe a couple of therapy can help
a little, but once the damage is done, it's really
hard to to fix something that's truly broken. But it's
(46:30):
really like any therapy, like if it's used more as
maintenance or a safety precaution, to give each other tools
to like communicate more effectively, to be more empathetic with
each other. Uh. And people associate the therapy as like
you have to have problems. Ideally be great to go
in there before the problem start. Yeah, So I always say, like,
think of it more of as like a bicycle helmet
(46:50):
or a safety belt or or things like that, because
no one's gonna argue that there's obviously like wearing your
safety belt or beat you know, in a car, or
wearing a cycle helmet or a motorcycle helmet is is
a smart thing to do. Uh. You know, a helmet
doesn't do much after you've crashed and had a concussion
or split your head open. No, unfortunately. Okay, So everyone
(47:13):
listened to Vile Files and be on the lookout for
Nick's first book coming out soon, Don't text your ex
Happy Birthday, and other advice on love, sex and dating.
When does that come out soon? October four? October four.
That's very exciting audible as well, because I'm an audible chick.
Me too. Yeah, I'm just like, okay, good. I just
want to thank Nick so much for his time and
for his amazing advice. I'm actually shocked that a straight man.
(47:36):
I'm not saying all straight men, but Nick can actually
give some really good advice. I think, um, it's some
stuff that I need to like marinate and settle in.
But ultimately you should go to bio files and ask
him all your questions about relationships because he's got some
great answers for you. Anyway, So moving on, at the
end of every episode, we need to ask the listeners
(47:57):
the question of the week, which is is can sex
on the first date ever go long term? Let us
know we want to hear from you, so email us
at Burke in the Game at i heeart Radio dot
com or d m us on Instagram at Burke in
the Game Again, the question is can sex on the
first date ever go long term? We would love to
(48:17):
hear from you guys, Please email or d m and
I will talk to you next week. Bye. Thanks for
listening and coming along this journey with me. If you
like what you hear, then feel free to give this
podcast five stars. You can also follow along with my
journey on Instagram at Burke in the Game and if
you have any advice or want to write in, then
email me at Burke in the game at i heeart
(48:38):
radio dot com.
This is Burke in the Game and I heard radio podcast.
Hey guys, welcome to Burke in the Game. I'm very
excited about today's episode, but before we get there, I'd
like to, as usual, give you a little update on
how I'm doing. So I'm prepping right now to UM,
I guess start a project that I can't talk about yet,
(00:24):
and I feel very I guess low and energy at
this moment. I'm on a nine hundred calorie a day diet.
I know that sounds crazy, and before you judge, you know, UM,
this is something that I for me and for my
own sanity, that I need to do. I'm not promoting
that everybody go on a diet that is nine hundred calories,
but because of my body dysmorphia. I mean, you're witnessing
(00:45):
it right now as I as I'm telling you that, UM,
there is probably an not ideal weight that I'm trying
to hit. But UM, at the end of the day,
if this is what's going to bring peace of mind
before starting this project or when I start the project,
then so be it. So I just wanted to give
you that update as far as my sobriety goes. UM,
I did a sit down interview with Good Morning America
(01:07):
UM about my sobriety, but also, you know, because of
this podcast, they heard that they heard UM the part
where I talked about how, you know, at times I
do feel like drinking again, and I have to say,
as far as that goes, I am better. I'm back
in a twelve step program, so that is very exciting.
So I am, you know, trying to get through it
(01:28):
and trying not to rush through it or trying not
to judge myself while I go through it, because you know,
with one of the steps, it's pretty intense because it
asks you to basically write down, you know, any person
you've ever had any type of resentment towards, and then
to basically, you know, hold yourself accountable as well. And
I guess for me, what was overwhelming during the beginning
(01:48):
stages of the divorce was the fact that I didn't
want to go there. I felt so like my heart
felt so heavy as it was um already during that time.
Yet you know, I know that me feeling like wanting
to drink again had a lot to do with the
fact that I wasn't in the program. So I just
wanted to update you guys that I'm back in the program,
(02:11):
taking it one step at a time, one minute at
a time. Um and yeah, so that is the update.
Now for our guest for today's podcast, it's gonna be
Nick vill or Vile or I don't know, but um yeah,
I'm very excited to have him on because we actually
have something in common. We both did Dancing with the Stars.
(02:31):
I wasn't on the season that he was on. I
was taking a break, But um, I can't wait to
hear about his experience and all of this amazing advice
he gives to people on his podcast, Vile Files. So
you won't want to miss it. Hi, how are you?
(02:56):
How long has it been? Was I on your season
of Dancing with the Stars? No, you weren't. You took
that season off? Okay, Okay, I was wondering. I was like,
I don't I vaguely, I'm like, I'm sure I would
have remembered you. But yeah, I figured we met once
in like passing, but we never like really yeah, hung
out like salsa dance or anything. Definitely never saw dance. Um,
(03:18):
so we do have that in common. Um, do you
did you have a good experience on Dancing the Stars?
Or was it really hardcore. I loved it. Yeah, Like
my only regret is I wish I would have just
enjoyed it a little bit more. I think I really,
like I wanted to do well, and like I worked
really hard, and I got I got a little too nervous,
(03:39):
like you know, and it wasn't until like the end,
until after like I got like eliminated, and they like
brought back some of like the people who did well
to like you know, do your best dance and stuff
like that that I like just having fun. So um,
but overall, I really enjoyed it and I had a
ton of fun. And your partner was Peter Schmikowsky at
(03:59):
the time or Murgatroyd still she was with Max. But
you know she I think she still on Dancing with
the Stars. She had just had her baby, like she right,
I mean it was yeah, she was like literally just
had the baby. Yeah, okay, her like coming back, yes,
and and so you were her workout basically basically yeah,
(04:22):
So what did you because I believe, you know, for me,
dance has been my whole life and um, in a
way has saved my life in in many ways. But
for you, what was I guess What was your takeaway
with um with Dancing with Stars. What did you learn
that maybe brought into your life today or did you
not learn much other than the chacha? Yeah, I mean
(04:42):
other than like I really enjoyed. I mean I've always
liked dancing, you know, like as a kid from Wisconsin,
I you know, I was always a hood at the weddings,
so to speak. But like, yeah, I mean I I
never like I wouldn't say it like it was like
some sort of like formative an experience, so to speak.
(05:03):
But um, it certainly gave me a vast appreciation for, um,
you know, what you guys do, and just like just
how technical it is, you know, because that was the
biggest struggle for me, is you know, like you knows.
As obviously a male competitor, I watched people like Max
and Val and and their ability to not only dance
(05:25):
and do all the steps perfectly, but like truly be
in the moment and perform, you know, and like terms
in my by performed, I mean like get into the
character of the dance and things like that, which, you know,
something I struggled with because I was always just like
one to like, you know, like our arms up like that,
and so I had this such an appreciation for the
(05:46):
ability to do that, and um, so it was just
really cool to see it looks a lot easier than
it is, right, I mean liked, Yeah, you're like, oh
I club dance, I can definitely ballroom dance, and I'm
you're you're up for a route awake inning. But um,
from what I saw, you didn't do bad at all.
I thought you guys looked great together dancing as a
whole another beast and then dancing with a partner. Um.
(06:07):
And then when you compare yourself to Max and Vale,
which isn't a fair comparison, it probably you know, look,
we've done this since we were kids. So like for us,
we can rumble, walk to the toilet, half sleep, you know,
like that's just what we do. But um, with what
you guys are doing on the show, you're just completely vulnerable.
You're doing something you've never done before in front of
millions of people wearing rhinestone, spray tan and the occasional guyliner. Right, Like,
(06:32):
it's not, Um, it's not the best scenario. But yet
when you embrace it and when you are vulnerable, it
brings out a beautiful side of you, and it really
is about the journey. How long did you last till
I was me? And and uh um, I was like
top five six we it was a double elimination and
I went home in a double elimination, So I missed
(06:54):
the final four by one week. That sucks, man. Anyway, Well,
there's always All Stars. Okay, let's move on to bigger
and better things. So you have an amazing girlfriend, right, Natalie.
You guys are really really cute. How did you guys meet?
If you don't mind talking about it. She slid into
my d M s. So she uh, she hit it up,
(07:15):
you know, she went for what she wanted and what
made you be like this is the one I'm sure
a lot of people slide into your d M s. Nick,
Uh Well, I mean why I responded, was I you know,
I thought she was attractive. I didn't. You know, it's
not you don't It's not much to go on on
on Instagram in terms of or Also, I think you
(07:37):
make a mistake of thinking you can learn a ton
by whatever people post. But I didn't find her attractive
and and and responded, um, and it took you know,
and we eventually met up and and got to know
each other and UM, and we hung out for nine
months off and on, UM and Uh eventually we gotten
(08:00):
a relationship, but mostly based off the fact that she
was UM very confident and and what she thought we
could be. And it was probably her confidence that and
her confidence and her patience with me that allowed us
to finally become a couple and being a successful relationship.
(08:22):
How long have you guys been together? About two years now? Okay?
And so you guys have an age gap? Does that
even matter? Like, because listen, I'm single. Just to give
you a little backstory, I'm newly divorced. I'm not even
technically divorced yet, but getting there. And I sucked at
the dating stuff um prior and I'm assuming I still do,
(08:42):
but I haven't tried, right, And so like I'm the
reason why I'm asking UM so many questions about your
personal life is because I'm hoping to learn something today.
So maybe you can help me out here. I think
I think it can matter, you know, Like, you know,
it was something that UM, I had a lot of
hesitating about, you know, UM, and you know when we
(09:05):
were kind of just hanging out, UM, it was something
I was you know, just nervous about the role it
would play in our relationship. UM. And she was you know,
less nervous and more confident. And I think the way
I finally accepted it and was willing to take a
risk because you know, listen, every anytime you meet someone, um,
(09:28):
regardless of you know, for example, like I quickly learned
um about that you know that hurdles so to speak,
you know, because it's like hell, they are you and
you know, you learned that fast. So some things you
can learn quickly like that. Other things you have to
get to know someone to like peel back some like
potential like you know, hurdles or something that could like
(09:49):
affect compatibility, right, and so um, you know, I we
we were not we were not delusioned by that, you know,
like we accepted that possible ability. We didn't pretend it
wasn't a potential challenge, and we didn't pretend it was
something that we needed to be mindful of. Uh. Thankfully,
you know, when we spent time together, it's not something
(10:11):
that we really felt all that much, UM in terms
of you know, we felt like we were very much
each other's equals. We we felt very much like equal
partnerships in terms of, like, you know, the power dynamic
we didn't feel was waited one direction or the other,
and we were both mindful of that, and it was
a priority for both of us to make sure that
(10:33):
we we maintain that level of equality. Um. You know,
we talked about like we were in our lives in
terms of what we wanted out of relationships in terms
of like, you know, how quickly we wanted to have
kids and things like that, and that seemed to really
line up. And so but you know, it's it's it's
things that like that. I think you just you always
and enter any relationship, you just always have to be
(10:54):
mindful of like listen, here's where we're really compatible, here's
where we're fit. Here some areas in which, you know,
we we might not be totally aligned or on the
same page, but that doesn't necessarily mean we can't make
it work. And then you have to start prioritizing what
is a bigger priority for you and and and make
it work. And that's kind of just the approach we took, um.
(11:15):
And you know, because like you know, for example, like
one of the people ask questions like that, I'm like,
I'm on my show. You know, I'm not here to
tell like I don't know, like I'm not here to
tell people what's what's right or right. You don't have
the solutions because if you did, you'd be busy. Well yeah,
and like, you know, there's so many different types of
relationships out there these days, right, And I think, you know,
(11:36):
it's hard enough to find some find people we connect with.
So I think it's important not to judge ourselves which
other people, but also be honest with ourselves about the
situations we're putting ourselves in and just you know, just
be honest with like, hey, this could be a challenge,
Like how do we address that, because a lot of people,
instead of doing that, we'll just tell themselves, Oh, it's
not a big deal. I'm different, or we're different, or
(11:58):
the situation is different. And then and and that that
lack of compatibility or that potential hurdle will will come up,
and instead of just being prepared for it or acknowledging
that it is a thing, you you kind of ignore it.
And then that does start affecting the relationship in ways
that you didn't expect, and then you know, kind of
bleeds into other aspects of the relationship and creates maybe
(12:19):
anxiety or jealousy or confusion and things like that. I
hear you. So you mentioned kids. So is this something
that you guys have talked about marriage and kids or
just kids both. Yeah, I mean getting married and having
kids is still as a praier for both of us.
And it's something that you know, I think, um, we
see in the not too it's not so distant future. Um,
(12:42):
there's no like immediate plans or anything like that, but
it's definitely like you know, neither of us are like, hey,
I'm not ready to I'm five years away or ten
years away or anything like that. So it's definitely you know,
on our radar. That's amazing. I love that. Um, well,
congrats on your relation ship. I think that sounds beautiful
and I love your I guess all of your knowledge
(13:04):
when it comes to relationships. I hear it on your
podcast it's vile files just because it rhymes, but it's
really that's not how you pronounce Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay,
got it. And so I was listening to it and
I'm I'm going to ask you some questions and maybe
you can give me some advice. Yeah, let's do it. So, um,
(13:34):
I guess when you talk about like, okay, yeah, just
be honest with yourself and about yourself and like your
actual priorities and with that other person. You know, in
the beginning, it's this like honeymoon phase, right, and you're
kind of especially as a woman. Um, I tend to
maybe exaggerate the what I want depending on who it is,
(13:56):
right I. If I really like the person, then maybe
I'll be like, yeah, I love Repped aisles, you know,
and I'm not really like a huge yeah reptile um person.
But um, and then things get real after a few months.
So what is your advice on? Like, I get also
very obsessed and I'm an addict, so it's either all
(14:20):
or nothing. So I've been advised when I am ready
to date, because I'm not ready to date just yet,
but when I am ready to date a pool of
men so that I don't get so fixated on a one.
Do you agree. I can see the logic there, right,
I'm not I've never done that before, so it's really
(14:40):
weird for me. You know, I'm not that familiar with addiction.
I mean, I'm familiar with it in the concept that
like people experience it, but I don't have a lot
of knowledge around that, but I that logic makes sense, right,
And again, like everyone's different, so for you to recognize that, hey,
I have a habit of if I like anything about someone,
I history has told me that I have, you know,
(15:03):
like really jumped the gun and become obsessive over one
thing and convinced myself that I really like them, and
then I kind of stopped learning about them. Uh. And yeah,
I think it's good to like find tools to like,
you know, hold us more accountable to ourselves, so to speak, right,
especially early on right, Like, I think it's good to
(15:25):
play the field a little bit because it's fun to
get excited about people we meet. Like, that's a normal
feeling to feel excitement. And we all desire love and connection,
but you know we we often men and women and
not just you and not people who suffer from addiction
have a tendency of of feeling that connection and then
just deciding that, oh, I like this person, and then
(15:48):
instead of like continue to learn about the person they
barely know, Um, they will just say I want now now.
Their goal becomes I want them to like me, and
then become upset us with making sure that the person
likes them, rather than to say, well, I'm really excited.
I like what I know so far, but there's so
much I don't know about this person. So I'm going
(16:09):
to enjoy this being excited about someone and then tell myself, Hey,
I just this is exciting, this is fun. But let's
just keep learning, Let's keep asking questions. Let's let's be
open minded to the possibility that we're excited, but maybe
I won't be as excited three weeks from now when
I learn more. But sometimes we're so afraid of learning
(16:30):
more because we we like this this, We make up
this fantasy head like I've got the most amazing episode
of General Hospital in my head. It's like, and it's
not real, this is all this is not. But then
I believe the thoughts. So this is why I am
saying I'm not ready to date, because I understand that
infatuation period, and um, I tend to like I follow
(16:53):
through man, like, no matter what, I will be there
and I will give you a D And then yet
you know when you're for that in return, I just
get disappointed. I'm setting myself up for failure in a
way when it comes to expectations thinking that everyone needs
to be like me or the person I'm dating. How
do you date multiple people at the same time. It
(17:13):
was a lot of boundaries and you know, like it's honesty,
you know, um what type of boundaries? Well, early on,
I would say boundaries with yourself, you know again, like uh,
tell yourself, you know, you kind of have a conversation
with yourself, like what what am I willing to do?
You know? Like for example, if I do I get
really like if I hook up with someone, do I
(17:35):
feel more or emotionally connected to them? Regardless, just because
like hey, sex can be intimate or a physical connection
can make me feel closer, and can that be misleading
to me? You know? So like maybe maybe I'm gonna
like slow things down physically, especially if I'm dating multiple
people and you know earlier sex with multiple people at
the same time. And I'm kidding it depends, right, I mean, listen,
(17:58):
if I think here's the thing, you know that, yeah,
I have sexy d I fall in love fast. So
if you know that, then yeah, then like I think
other other people aren't like that. So but if you
know that about yourself, it's probably good to like, maybe
you know, slow that down. Yeah, and and you know
it's like, have you ever met someone like long distance? Right?
(18:19):
You know, yeah, someone in England? Right and and and
the fun part about getting to know someone who lives
so far is like your face time and you're texting,
and it really it really helps you build that emotional
connection really fast because like you can really have some
really good, rich, deep conversations. Um. The only you know,
the downside of that is that sometimes you fill in
(18:40):
the gaps of what it would be like elsewhere. But
the good but the good news is is that you
are forced to talk, right and so and I think
the big thing is is always finding that balance, right,
I think for you know, and ibly I imagine you know,
as someone who suffers from addiction, balances a struggle for you.
(19:01):
But yeah, but but finding tools to have more balance
and boundaries around, like, hey, I have a habit of
doing this. What's my like what's my kind of red
flag to myself of like, hey, this is I recognize
this feeling in the past, you know, because like you know,
like you know, for your you and I, you know,
(19:21):
as we've gotten older, you've experienced heartbreak in the past.
I've experienced heartbreak in the past, and my only hope
for me is this, like all these mistakes I've been
in the past, I was just trying to avoid make
him in the future, and so it was just it
was this more, you know, like some people will call
it cynicism to say, you know, like to have certain
boundaries or to say, hey, that's great, like you know,
(19:43):
in the past, like you know, twenty two year old
me would get excited and and have these kind of
thoughts of like, oh, we like we're so great together,
and this is I feel like I've known you forever
and there must be something really special and unique between us,
because like, I can't imagine feeling this way about someone
and have it not be special and unique. But the
(20:03):
reality is it's just like there's nothing really like that's
not what makes it special, you know. To me, what
makes it special is like doing the work and building
it and then having that kind of honest realization that
at any moment feelings can change, and that and knowing
that it makes us. For me, I want to be
more protective and putting the effort in the relationships because
(20:25):
they all take work, and I think sometimes we make
the mistake when we're younger of thinking that the you know,
the special the movies, right, and so that we label
something special, you know, our relationships, and whether consciously or subconsciously,
I think that implies that we it it should be
easy and it doesn't require work or effort. And that's
(20:47):
just not the case, you know, especially nowadays with so
many people having so many options and temptation and so
much access to dating around and and and connecting with people,
and as soon as one thing doesn't like, as soon
as there's kind of like a law in a relationship,
it's very easy to like, you know, meet a man
or a woman who you're like, oh, I gotta chemistry
with them, and they didn't piss me off this week,
(21:09):
and maybe maybe I should like, you know, uh, explore
that sex with them. Yeah. Yeah, So I think it's
just really you know, a you know, how do you
know your limits? You know, know your weakness is right,
and be honest about that and take things slow if
you're gonna date around and I'm kidding, well, you know,
(21:30):
it's one of those things like and then like do
you tell everyone like, you know, I don't think if
you're dating multi people, you're just like listen, just you
know I'm gating post on Instagram. Yeh, but but I
also do a podcast about dating like what I'm doing.
I mean it's just a little sure, but like I
also think if someone says, hey, you know, like you
meet someone, you get excited and all of a sudden
like hey, just like are you dating other people? You
(21:50):
can say like, yeah, I've you know, I think I
am dating. I I want to take things slow and
I'm enjoying the multiple people and I think honestly that
keeps people on or toes to also a serial monogamous,
so I know that not everybody is like that. As
I'm learning, Um, but it is difficult. I think I
(22:11):
haven't tried it being me dating other people at the
same time. But yeah, this is going to be about
me retraining my brain. Now, another question like when how
do you how do you make it work when the
woman makes more money than your partner? You gotta find
a guy who's confident in himself. You know what does
(22:31):
that consist of? Nick? Uh? You know it's a have
you ever dated someone that made more money than you? Um?
I think one girlfriend I had in my twenties. There's
a period of time where you know, I think she
was making more than me. Um, yeah, I'm for me Personally,
(22:54):
I'm always very attracted to you know, motivated women and
women who you know, prioritize their careers or just prioritize
have a passion in something, and so I I've always
been attracted to successful people in general. It doesn't emasculate
you by any means or no, well, I mean listen
to say, by any means, like I think to dismiss
(23:16):
that altogether, I don't know if that would be like
I think, Listen, I've always been a competitive person, right,
so would that drive me to work harder? Sure, where
that like where there might be moments of like having
to like check my ego, I'm sure it would. But
at the end of the day, I find it to
be really attractive people who have passions and success and
(23:38):
and unless I was dating someone who made me feel
bad about it, I wouldn't have a problem with it,
you know, Like I would find it to be really attractive.
And there's not there's a lot of guys who aren't
like that, but I think there's plenty of men who are.
And I think it's just you know, I think it's
probably really be important for you to date someone who
who was really confident. And I think sometimes it's hard
(23:58):
to read confidence because it sometimes can be read as like,
you know, bravado and like kind of yeah, peacock energy.
I have lots of men in the dance world, but
I you know that are confident, maybe egotistical, maybe narcissists,
I don't know. But like at the end of the day,
I'm also I don't know, I trying trying not to
date somebody that works in that I see every day. Either,
(24:21):
you know, I would Uh. I've always said it takes
a ton of confidence to admit vulnerability and insecurity. And
I think I think when you are out there dating,
you know, I'm not saying you want to look for
someone who's like, on the first date, like crying to
you about their problems, but I think there's a natural progression, right,
And I think you know, you're on a third or
fourth date, you're connecting with someone, and maybe you share
(24:46):
a vulnerability. I wouldn't share your deepest dark secret, but like,
maybe you share something that makes you vulnerable or a
little insecure, and and the appropriate response from someone who
has a you know, emotional mature, pretty and maybe some
confidence and and some empathy would be to first empathize
with you about this insecure that you shared, thank you
(25:08):
for sharing it, and then open up about something that
maybe they're they're insecure about, which takes confidence, right, And
I think that's something that people often overlook when they're
trying to figure out who's a confident person. It's not
the person who's sticking out their chest in pete cocking
and and and flashing their car or bragging about you know,
you know, certain achievements that they have. In fact that
(25:29):
often like displays insecurity, but like people often confuse that
with confidence early on. So if if you're having a
hard time, especially maybe in your world, you know, see
what guys that you're dating early on are willing to
share a vulnerability of some kind, especially after you were
willing to share one of yours, And I think that
would uh, that's that's a good sign that you might
(25:52):
be doing someone with some real confidence and someone who
might who wouldn't be bothered and even and if they
were bothered by it, they could at least effectively communicate
that with you, you know, instead of like pretending it
doesn't bother them and like being dismissed and cold. Maybe
they say something like, you know, listen, like what I
love to make more than you? Sure you know, I
(26:13):
can acknowledge that it bothers me, but I'm also really
proud of you, and I find it really sex to
that you're successful. It just makes me want to maybe
be more motivated to work harder to at least that's
an honest conversation that you can be on the same page,
rather than like a guy pretending it doesn't bother them
and then being a dick you know about you know,
and kind of passively aggressively projecting that insecurity and other
(26:35):
aspects of the relationship. Good advice. You should be my
new therapist and my therapist. But I think this is
a great perspective, Really good you have you been in
therapy because you are really giving great advice Because you
come from my mom and dad that are still married.
Maybe that has a lot to do with it. That helps.
I mean, I definitely do therapy. I I'm just someone
(26:58):
who has had plenty of my own relationships struggles, and
I have been a victim of my own ego and
I've had experienced a lot of heartbreak. I just invested
a lot of energy and time trying to like figure
out the mistakes I was making so that I could,
you know, learn from my mistakes. And I just tried
to have some really honest conversations about my choices and
(27:20):
and these are the things I've learned through my own
experiences that I've I'm just trying to like pass on
to other people. So I love that. I love it. Well,
thank you for I love you. I just said I
love you. I love that. Thank you for sharing. Nick Um. Okay,
another question. Now, I know you dance with Peter Um,
who was in a relationship with Max and still is. Now,
if you had a partner that was single back then,
(27:41):
I'm not saying now obviously for obvious reasons, Um, would
you have dated your dance partner? Or do you like
What I'm trying to get at is I know the
question to my I know the answer to my question.
But should I date my dance partner on Dancing with
the Stars if I do it this season? I mean
I was also in a relationship, so like, sorry, okay,
(28:03):
I hear you. But chance, let's say there was a
world in which I was single and they were single.
I mean, listen, it would be like, listen, those I
can see put it this way. I can try humping
all day anyway, I can see why it's it's desirable
and fun to to do. Um And I'm guessing you've
probably have done it already. It's only been on like
(28:26):
thirty five seasons, right, so I'm sure definitely all five
of them. Yeah, my lesson, but like listen, well, so,
like I guess to that point is it never works?
Well yeah, because my guess is, like, I mean, I'm
sure you're joking a little bit, but it sounds like
you have you've done it never works, don't know what
I'm saying, But how many times have you actually done it?
(28:48):
That's that I don't know. Let me go count, but
a handful of yeah, a handful of times when I
do your podcast, maybe a handful of No, that's a handful,
I mean less than a handful. Okay, So, but I
guess my point is is, like we can agree that
there's a lot of like reasons why, Like I I
(29:08):
wrote this in my book, but like chemistry can be manufactured, right,
you know, and chemistry might be manufactured by the environment.
You know, you common connection, you go to the same church,
can start chemistry. You know, mutual friends hook you up chemistry, Yeah,
and so so you recognize that like this being in
this environment creates this natural chemistry. So like so like
(29:32):
next time you go in, if you do danswering to
the stars and you start feeling chemistry, the first thing
you should tell yourself is, well, I don't know if
it's I don't well not believe it, but like I
would have some skepticism around it, right, I would. I would.
I wouldn't start immediately being like, oh, well I have chemistry,
like let's go for it. I would. I would. I
would actively like slow it down, and then I would
(29:54):
start like trying to not like boundaries, set boundaries right,
and like not give into the physical aspect because it's
so easy to have that physical chemistry with dancing. But
like have some have some ask them real questions, you know,
about their past and their history. You know, you got
always got to prioritize and listen to their answers. And
you know, we have a way of ignoring the bad
(30:16):
answers and and focusing on the good answers because that
feeling is just so addicting. But then I'm like, just
get on a roller coaster, right, you'll feel the same
type of adrenaline. Yeah, so I think it's just like
I don't ever like saying never do something, because there's
exceptions to every rule. But you know, I'm again, I'm
a big believer in learning from your past. Your past
(30:38):
has told you that it's easy to connect with people,
and that might not necessarily be what it actually is.
So if you feel it again, just slow it down,
ask more questions, really trying to get to know them
as maybe after the season, if we're still hot and steamy,
but not hot and steamy meaning like nothing happened. But
you know what I'm saying, Well, that's the only couple
(30:59):
that's ever that has are still married to this day
is Um Robert Hershevik and now Kim Hershevik. And yeah,
so you know it could happen. The ratio and the
statistics isn't very great, but um, you know what, you
never know, and it could be for you a good
practice to slow down. It's like because you know, you
(31:20):
know you're gonna feel that natural chemistry, so that way,
that way you know to the say, you know, just
slow down, I'm gonna slow it down. I'm just gonna
say no to it. And that's a good way to
like tell yourself no, as someone who's not good at
telling him themselves no. I mean, I'm on a roll.
It's been a year now since I haven't had sex.
So we're just we're gonna keep it going. The We're
gonna keep it going until maybe off for me new opportunities,
(31:43):
who knows. But I'm in no rush. Like I said, Um,
so years ago I met with the executive of the
Bachelorette and they were um years ago, like I would say,
six seven years ago, and we were in discussion to
make me the Bachelorette. It didn't happen, obviously. Um, do
(32:04):
you think that this is something that I should do?
The thing is, I'm sober, and I know you guys
get pretty drunk on that show, and I think it
would be one big trigger. Well, I am knowing that
you're sober and that you are an addict. I'm guessing
the sober show, which would really embarrassing and boring. I
think they would accommodate your needs. Um, that's said. I
(32:25):
I don't recommend the batch sharrette or the bat shirt.
Is a is a. It's a it's a way to
meet someone, but I definitely don't think it's the way
to meet people, and I would it's not it's not
the it's not a last resort, it's not our first resort.
I think you go because you're interested in a really
(32:47):
interesting experience, and then you're open to finding love. I
think if you go in, uh, needing to find love,
it's a recipe for disaster. I mean, I'm not needing
to find love either, But like, also I am trying
not to have to sign up for a dating app feither. Why. Um,
I'm just not a fan of Oh what does he
(33:10):
or she look like? Uh? What is the occupation? Okay, Like,
I just would like to maybe go through a matchmaker first,
and if there's nothing there, then I guess I'll try
the app. I I I think that's great. I also think,
like so I think probably you know, and maybe this
(33:30):
might you might relate to this, But like I think
people are when it comes to ways to meet people,
they're all are nothing right Like sounds like me, But
maybe a more effective approach would be to, like, you know,
broaden your options, try out a matchmaker, maybe try one
dating app. Like a dating app is not the end all,
(33:51):
be all it is. It is one way to meet people, right.
The problem with dating apps is that people get on
them and think, oh, well, now, I like they put
too much pressure on themselves. They think it's gonna be there,
saving grace, but they also feel they're like judging themselves
for being on it, you know. And then the thing
about dating apps is that you know, every time you're
(34:12):
swiping right, you know, and if you don't have an
immediate match, there's like there's a little bit of rejection there. Interesting.
And then every time you met like let's and then
you match with someone, and then you know everyone else
is matching with ten fifteen people too, but you're not
thinking about that. And then and then you reach out
to them and you have a quick conversation, and then maybe,
(34:32):
like you know, they don't get back to you. We
don't know why they don't get back to you. Maybe
they're busy, they're out of town, maybe they're connected with
someone else. We don't know, but we always think that, yeah,
and then we feel that rejection. So I think you
have to just go into a dating app with a
lot of boundaries for yourself. Take it slow. You know,
if you match with one person that you like, focus
on that person, see where it goes. At the same time,
(34:54):
tell yourself, I know nothing about this person. Maybe they
have five good pictures on but like you are starting
at zero, and just take it easier and yourself and
take it slow. But like we we're not very patient people.
We want to jump right into it. We want to
we want to get excited, we want to fantasize about
our futures as soon as we feel any type of
excitement or connection. And I think those are the things
(35:16):
that kind of set us up, so set ourselves up
for disappointment. So it's it's like it's really just about
trying to manage our expectations and and see you see,
like you know, I think of rejection is clarity and
not disappointment. But you we have to be able to
kind of train our brains to see it that way.
I mean, not everyone likes us, you know, not everyone's
(35:39):
obsessed with us. Every yeah, and and and then that's okay,
but it's it's hard to hear that. You know, rejection
is tough, and I think getting better at you know,
just facing that, like you know, you can be bombed
like and then like you know, if you get on
the dating app and you feel that, you know, that
sense of like rejection or like the thing, then take
a break. They get off, come back in three weeks.
(36:02):
But like you know, it's people are on dating apps,
their meeting on dating apps. We have to start judging
ourselves for using dating apps. And if we use dating apps,
we have to like you know, take it slow, limited
options and no when to take a break from them,
because they can they can get exhausting and addicting. I'm
I'm pretty sure. Um, okay, so you said that your
(36:22):
girl slid into your d M. Just a couple more questions.
I know you gotta goa is that something I should do?
If you like, hell, hell yeah, if you're into someone,
shoot your shot. Really, I don't know, Like I mean,
I you could, I mean your your shell burke, so
(36:43):
like you could be lazy and just say hi and
chances are you'll get a response. But I I asked, like,
if you're I usually say, if you're gonna, if you're
gonna slide into someone's d M, ask a question, you know,
make it easier for them to respond. And it doesn't
like if let's say, let's say it took a picture
right now, right, Like, let's say this what I'm looking
at of you was a photograph. Like right, let's say
(37:05):
this is on your Instagram. I would look at this
and I would say, uh, like I may I could say,
like I was sliding in your d M. I could
be like, oh my god, I was like where did
you get those pillows? Like it's it's a stupid fucking question.
But the point is like, and if I'm sliding in
your d M, you know that I'm obviously sliding in
your d M. And I'm just asking an easy question
(37:27):
so that if you're interested, you have an easy response, right,
Because how do you respond to high? Or how do
you respond to actually think that's my pet peep. I
will not respond to a hi high, And I will
not respond to an emoji. I find that disgusting. Yeah,
Or how do you respond to like something really weirdly personal,
like how about just like I totally do that. I
(37:48):
could do that two seconds. I just can't do the high. Sure,
but the small talk, Nick kills me. Well, you're gonna
have a small talk a little bit, but really a
little bit. Yeah, you're not teaching, know, you're not supposed to.
You just have to put up with it. It's not
about teaching it. It's just putting up with it because
I'm a horrible text or not sex or text or
and a sextor probably so high and ever ever everyone is.
(38:10):
But like so all then then you know that you
you just want to get to the coffee date faster. Yeah,
if I mean to do a FaceTime to see if
you're not a psycho killer love that you do. Yeah,
absolutely you're not. Like you're totally down for like FaceTime date,
then I can just And then also maybe dinners a
(38:31):
little bit too much of a commitment, Maybe we do coffee,
like you said, totally yeah, especially if you're meeting someone
like via like that you don't know, right, so why
like why would you have a whole meal of food
with someone you don't It takes a lot of time
out of my day. So you get like, and you
don't want to have a small talk via text something
you don't know. So you you like their face, you say,
(38:51):
say they like to travel whatever, So you hop on
a zoom or a FaceTime and then you have a
conversation and you figure out is there like you like
their voice, do you like their sense? Of humor. If
you don't like him, you can disconnect fast and then
like you said, like, yeah, hey, this went well, how
about coffee next week or later this week or something?
And then you take it slow. They're also an easy
out of a coffee date. And then like, and so
(39:14):
I can just run away from if you know, And
then I hike, Yeah, I think it's great to take
it slow. I think, like anything else, you always want
to make sure you're building and moving and progressing and
moving forward, you know, to speaking in language. You take
it slow and you build. Yeah, yeah, don't like don't
you don't plan on like, hey, let's go on a
vacation this week? Why not? Because that's a little nuts
(39:37):
sound amazing though, Like, doesn't that just sound so exciting?
It makes my stomach turn in a good way, And
that's not good to see. This is why I'm not
ready to date yet. You gotta take it right right, Okay?
So what is why do you say in your book
that's coming out soon? Um, don't text your ex happy birthday? Uh?
Why I've done that because they're yours? There? Because no
(40:00):
one's ever actually texting their acts to wish them a
happy birthday. Totally. I totally did how how and how
long have they been in your act there there's like
two three weeks. Yeah, I just think here's the thing.
It's if you're the breaker upper. Well, first of all,
it was my ex soon to be husband, like I
(40:22):
just had to say happy birthday. I mean we like
split up in January's birthdays February, you know what I mean. Like, listen,
there's exceptions to every rule, but I'm a big believer
in generally thinking that if you're breaking up with someone
that you're reaching out to them on their birthday, it's
only gonna ruin their day, you know, because in that
(40:42):
moment and that split second when they got the notification
that you text them two then they read the happy
birthday with nothing else. It's gonna no emoji, just like
they thought. It's just gonna remind them that you still
don't want to be with them. And if you're the
person who was broken up with and you're thinking wishing
them a happy birthday, it's gonna like, you know, you're
(41:04):
just honestly gonna annoy them, you know because like most
likely if you if they broke up with you, they
probably had to like sit down with you, and you
have all those conversations about why they don't want to
be with you, and truly you're just wanting to have
one more conversation because you told yourself that you don't
have a closure that you want and so like it's
just generally not for the birthday, and I just it's
(41:25):
not very productive. And usually it's it's people not being
honest with themselves about what their real true intentions are
with why they're sending the message, Uh, allow yourself to heal.
I always say, if you well, until you're healed. You know,
I don't think I'm ever gonna be a hundred percent healed,
to be quite honest. Like that's a lot of trauma.
(41:45):
It's from when I was a little girl, like that
this all connects, right, But I think that I definitely
could be better. Until you're generally indifferent about the relationship,
got it. I mean, if you yeah, if you don't care,
if like it's if you don't it's like it's like
if you're about me though, like it's more about like again,
like I don't want to fall back into the same pattern,
(42:07):
you know, you know, Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's
just like if you're it's it's you wish them a
happy birthday. They say the same A would like a
cousin you're not very close with be like, oh, I
remember your birthday, so I'll I guess I'll do this
nice because but you don't really care. Then then it's
okay to finally text your acts. But until then, chances
are you have alternative motives that are either gonna negatively
(42:28):
affect them or yourself or both of you. That's not
really going to be beneficial to like moving on and
just being happy. I hear you. I hear you. That's
a lot to process, and I will process it. Um. Okay,
So on vile files, what was the most interesting question
that you've ever received or that you couldn't maybe answer? Hue,
(42:52):
I always try to answer all of them. But I'm
also like, but you're also like humble enough to be like, well,
that's the thing. I have no problem, Like, I'm not
a therapist. There's a lot of things I don't speak
to right, so it's not that like it's not really embarrassing.
Like for example, today we have unfortunately a woman who
called in who um her husband cheated on her with
(43:12):
the nanny she hired most nightmare and then and then
he never admitted to it, and now and now he's
dating her. Oh and they have four kids together, and
now she has to live through that. Um, and that
was a hard one to like try to find some
helpful advice. But um, that's why you gotta always hire
a nanny with no teeth and hair and face on
(43:33):
the hair telling her hair on the Yeah, I'm dyslexic,
sorry am I? Um, yeah, but there's a lot of
things that I don't have answers to, and I'm not
afraid to acknowledge that. You know, I'm very specific on
what I talk about and and very quick to recommend
therapy for people who I mean, we could all use therapy,
but when it comes yeah, when it comes to I'm
(43:58):
not you know, I'm not there to diagnose anyone or
you know, for example, like I've had people calling about addiction,
and I'm very careful about like not speaking on things
I don't have a lot of knowledge about. Um. And
so yeah, I mean, all I'm really trying to do
with questions I get is to to make people feel
a little less powerless and less confused or and and
(44:19):
I'm just trying to change their perspective because so much
about you know, so much that we experience. Um, is
this a matter of of seeing it a different way? Um?
And uh, if we can do that, then we can
you know, get out of our own ways and and
enjoy our days a little bit more. And you know,
sometimes we can get addicted to pain. I know I
(44:41):
have our heartbreak you know, no, no, but maybe you
know I I I feel like in some ways I
have addictive personality. But thankfully I've never I've never uh
like I've I've been. I've been thankful enough to that
there's substances of that don't aren't are We could be
addicted to good things, you know, Like right now I'm
(45:03):
addicted to, um uh this thing called diamond painting. It's
like an arts and crafts thing. And I'm yeah, I
am that old lady. Yeah, I have an obsessive side
of my personality for sure, which you know, um, it's
my I can obsess with my thoughts. Um. But yeah,
so just and that's that's something that I've had to
(45:23):
try to manage, right because yeah, heartbreak is something that
I think you can be addicted to for sure, And
and it's just you've got to be really careful to
try to not getting those those kind of traps. Yeah.
Now one more question before we go here. Do you
believe in couples therapy? I think it's are you advice currently?
(45:44):
And I mean this is something that me and my ex,
I mean from when we dated because we had history,
so we dated before. But um, I this was a
requirement that I to come with me to couples therapy.
We've talked about it. I think we will do it.
We're not currently doing it. But uh yeah, when it
comes to a couple of therapy, I think that you
want to it's it's it's better served if it's sought
(46:07):
as like a seat belt or a bicycle helmet. It's
less productive if you think of it as reconstructive surgery.
You're trying to fix somebody instead of like yeah, or
just like are your wait till there's a huge problem,
like someone cheated or something like that. Like, I mean,
I don't know, maybe a couple of therapy can help
a little, but once the damage is done, it's really
hard to to fix something that's truly broken. But it's
(46:30):
really like any therapy, like if it's used more as
maintenance or a safety precaution, to give each other tools
to like communicate more effectively, to be more empathetic with
each other. Uh. And people associate the therapy as like
you have to have problems. Ideally be great to go
in there before the problem start. Yeah, So I always say, like,
think of it more of as like a bicycle helmet
(46:50):
or a safety belt or or things like that, because
no one's gonna argue that there's obviously like wearing your
safety belt or beat you know, in a car, or
wearing a cycle helmet or a motorcycle helmet is is
a smart thing to do. Uh. You know, a helmet
doesn't do much after you've crashed and had a concussion
or split your head open. No, unfortunately. Okay, So everyone
(47:13):
listened to Vile Files and be on the lookout for
Nick's first book coming out soon, Don't text your ex
Happy Birthday, and other advice on love, sex and dating.
When does that come out soon? October four? October four.
That's very exciting audible as well, because I'm an audible chick.
Me too. Yeah, I'm just like, okay, good. I just
want to thank Nick so much for his time and
for his amazing advice. I'm actually shocked that a straight man.
(47:36):
I'm not saying all straight men, but Nick can actually
give some really good advice. I think, um, it's some
stuff that I need to like marinate and settle in.
But ultimately you should go to bio files and ask
him all your questions about relationships because he's got some
great answers for you. Anyway, So moving on, at the
end of every episode, we need to ask the listeners
(47:57):
the question of the week, which is is can sex
on the first date ever go long term? Let us
know we want to hear from you, so email us
at Burke in the Game at i heeart Radio dot
com or d m us on Instagram at Burke in
the Game Again, the question is can sex on the
first date ever go long term? We would love to
(48:17):
hear from you guys, Please email or d m and
I will talk to you next week. Bye. Thanks for
listening and coming along this journey with me. If you
like what you hear, then feel free to give this
podcast five stars. You can also follow along with my
journey on Instagram at Burke in the Game and if
you have any advice or want to write in, then
email me at Burke in the game at i heeart
(48:38):
radio dot com.
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