June 6, 2024 • 36 mins
Chelsea is joined by Scott Aukerman and Brendon Walsh for a very special all advertisement pod. Also with: Nick Kroll, Moshe Kasher, Aisling Bea.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ll we meet again. Welcome back to Sacy pay the
best pod going. Yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
Before we get going here, I do need to run
a few ads. Yes, I do need to keep the
(00:21):
lights on, folks, so bear with me and thanks for
listening and supporting pH. Balance of vaginas can be tricky.
What our bodies naturally do is wrong. Would you like
to right the wrong of your vagina? Make it better?
Because you're a walking vagina? Try VPH. Did you know
(00:44):
the Latin root of vagina vigine means bad. How about
a cent free, squeaky clean, scientifically perfect vagina? I know,
I Chelsea PERETTI do want one. Imagine my vagina on
VPH right now, soulless, perfect, almost the absence of a vagina, VPH.
(01:05):
Because vaginas are so fucking stupid they don't know how
to balance themselves, VPH. Put your idiot vagina in after
school detention, VPH. Send money please, Hey girls, d men straight?
Is it often a downright mess? Gloopy, gloppy with dark,
shameful stains everywhere, extremely painful and creating constant logistical havoc?
(01:30):
Youch Traditional tampons are dense and scratchy, full of plastics
and by products, probably harmful, and they make no sense.
Are you rushing to yoga fumbling around with a paper
or plastic wrapped cotton wood attached to a ridiculous string
that often snaps into two or three or even four pieces. Thanks,
I'll save the string for my next knitting project, or
(01:51):
to re string my five string guitar, or play Cat's
Cradle with my grandma. What if I told you go
go to yoga, just be sure to quickly slip on
a comfy pair of yoga blood pants. You won't need
underwear and they can fill up for up to a week.
That's right, seven days of zero leakage, drippage or spillage
or embarrassing mishaps. Stop the shame game. You don't deserve it.
(02:15):
Make that yoga class on time. Headstands not recommended with
the light irregular yoga blood pants. Yoga blood pants not
recommended for bear country. Ask your doctor about yoga blood pants.
Wash separately. If on trial for murder, Alert forensic team
investigating blood spatter to the presence of yoga blood pants
in your domicile, popping.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Whitch, shiny blue circles, woe shot green triangles.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Ask Mom to download the new gaming phenomenon popping big
shiny blue circles with sharp green triangles. You're gonna be
so shocked when you look up from this game and
five hours of your life have been virtually stolen. Have
I really been popping circles with triangles for five hours?
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Yes, popping big shiny blue circles with sharp green triangles.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Everywhere. Games are souled.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Calling all blondes. Yeah you have you heard about the
hair brash. It's a brush that restores an ashy blonde
to blonde who have gone brassy. Hair brash, return your
brass to ash. All you have to do is load
the brush up with our proprietary powder developed in the
chik salons of Beverly Hills and boom Bengo. Presto, you
(03:29):
have yourself what looks like a new dye job with
zero brassy tones, all in one hundred simple strokes of
the hair brash or less hair brash. You look fambrasculess,
and what's more, you look fambrashtick. You're all ash and
no brass with an ass to match. You Go girl.
Not recommended with Flash photography. Subscribe for thirty percent off
(03:51):
in weekly refills of our proprietary brash powder formula Brunette.
Don't fret, brash powders in your colour range are due
to hit the sight in twenty twenty eight, pending climate change.
See you soon. Hey, I'm sad like a lot. I
find myself crying or comatos probably two to fifteen times
a week. But that's okay because I'm working with my
(04:13):
doctor on a plan. That's fine. We don't need to
stigmatize those kind of things anymore. Did you know Theodore
Roosevelt was on psychiatric medication? I don't know if he was,
but didn't that make you feel better for a second.
That proves that stigma is all in our minds. So
please talk to your doctor or talk to my doctor
(04:35):
at mydoctor dot backslash dot sixty nine dot com. That's
c alm. There's someone there to listen to you twenty
four hours a day via snapchat or facts if you
have a doctor's note. Doctors plus your brain chemistry plus
mydoctor dot backslash dot sixty nine dot com equals mental
health and there's no shame in that. Oh my gosh, wow,
(04:59):
what podcast so far? The Vibe is right, and it
can only get better because one of my favorite people
in LA is here now, Scott Ackerman of comedy Bang.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Bang, Thank you fame in LA. I love the qualifier.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Stalwart in the comedy scene. A little prickly questioning my
qualifiers but ignoring your direction, love expressed, ignoring the love
express like any good comedian.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Yes, any good comedian would just pick out the one
word that was.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
The hurtful part. Yeah, Scott, how the hell are you?
Speaker 2 (05:32):
I'm good. I'm feeling really good. It's been I mean,
you know, it's the morning, and you know, I just
got through with my my daily chores and my took
the shower and all that kind of stuff, and so
I'm ready to go.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Do you shower every day?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
I try to every day. Occasionally life gets in the way,
but you know you want to try to definitely do
the other stuff every day. Are you as showering in
the morning or evening? Person?
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Definitely? Morning? Is the press m.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yeah me too, because I feel like you gotta get
off all that sweat. You know that you've gone through
the night, because I'm just I have night terrors and
I'm just seeing they're screaming all night really.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
But yeah, so you so shower, you know, brush teeth,
you know, all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
I'm so sick of brushing my teeth.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Yeah, I know. It's it's tough. You gotta do it
every day, twice a day. You know what, though, you
don't really have to anymore.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
What Yeah?
Speaker 4 (06:29):
With E. J.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Bruckmeyer's new cutting edge toothpills, you are released from the
labor of ever having to brush your teeth with an
outmoded tool again. You know, Chelsea, there there hasn't been
a ton of innovation in the field of dentistry for
hundreds of years, maybe thousands. But now, with two toothpills
in the morning and twenty five toothpills at night, your
(06:50):
teeth will be as clean as a whistle and sparkle
like the top of the Chrysler building.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Wowee, doesn't seem possible. Sounds absolutely amazing, like a dream.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Yeah it is. And have you heard of EJ. Bruckmeyer's
meal pills?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
No, I haven't.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Bruckmeyer's visionary medical inventions make it possible for you to
get up and go straight to work without taking time
at home to brush your teeth prior to leaving, and
without stopping for meals at the start end or in
the middle of your workday.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
This is too random and cool.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Right on, you can work through all meals, wake up,
and head straight into the office without ever slowing down.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Sounds majorly efficient. What an upgrade? Anything else? I should know.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
One thing to be careful of, and this is all
detailed in the instructions online once you joined the EJ.
Bruckmeyer online portal for daily tips, vid chat's check ins
and tooth wellness photo reports, is to never take your
toothpills at the same time as your meal pills or
within a five hour window. And the you know, that's
about it.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
I'm trying to think when I would take my meal pills.
The math is a little challenging. Does it even work out?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Sure? Make it work all the time? Buy the pills now, subscribe,
join the online Bruckmeyer community. Figure it out later on
your own time.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Hmm, okay, I really do want the ease of taking
pills all day. Well, let me ask you this. Would
it be the end of the world if I did
take both the tooth and meal pills in the same timeframe.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
It would be disastrous?
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Oh? Come on? How bad could it be?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Never ever do that.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
This is silly. Let go of my arm.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
You are laughing right now, Chelsea, but I promise you
will not be laughing if you ever make the mistake
of taking your toothpills within a five hour window of
taking your meal pills. Ow.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Oh excuse me, I'm gonna have a sip of water.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Hmmm yow tap water huh yeah yeah, and ah hurts
going down, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
It tastes like old pipes and tires with a pinch
of pennies and soil mixed in.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Right, I suppose that's true.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Well, you know, Celestial waters are triple bottled and provide
great relief from the challenges of tap.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
In our proprietary bottling method, we take the most pristine
waters imaginable and bottle them not once, not twice, but
three times in an absolutely antiseptic, scientific environment and process.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
When you sip the water, the experience is like breathing air.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Due to extensive processing, our water is not physically discernible
as water.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
When you take a sip, add on a pack of
Celestial Water sip detectors for only twenty eight ninety nine
a month. Celestial Waters bottle water once. Shame on you.
Bottle water twice. Now we're getting somewhere, bottle water three times. Bingo, ringo, dingo,
chut ching.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Ch Celestial waters downright, celestial hard to even detect in
your mouth, triple bottled.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Feelings of thirst will sometimes occur with celestial waters. Speak
to your doctor about supplementing with tap to avoid dehydration.
Layaway plans available. Wow, oh, hey, Chaz, I got a
question for you.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Hit me.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Have you, or I guess or a loved one ever
been injured while listening to a podcast?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I don't think so well.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
You may be entitled to compensation. Our team of personal
injury lawyers are at the ready, working hard around the
clock to get you the compensation you deserve. Have you
been injured listening to a podcast in your car or
at your domicile, in the workplace, in a paid parking lot,
on a hike, in your garage, at a private party,
or in a college classroom. Contact Wesley and Wesley and
(10:51):
Bernard for a free consultation in five to ten years.
Once we hotly pursue and recover all moneies owed, you
could be out of your apartment and on a yacht
recording your own podcast in a lux studio pending climate
change Wesley and Wesley and Bernard. You don't deserve to
suffer in physical pain listening to podcasts alone, post podcasts
(11:13):
listening related injury.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
That's great, Scott, and now a few more ads. Veg scrub.
Do you ever eat potatoes? Ever scratch off imperfections off
of them with your nails, or even worse, scoop them
out with a dull butter knife because you don't have
the appropriate appliance to safely and effectively clean the vege
of the hour youch don't do that. Try veg scrub,
(11:35):
the only scrub brush tested on over one hundred and
fifty root vegetable varietals across the globe, and guess what
it works Aside from celery root. The vege scrub is
absolutely undefeated in the ring with all scrubby vegetables and
root vegetables aside from celery root. Aside from celery root,
you canna absolutely fall in love with this product. It
is able to skim, trim, gauge, and gouge all that
had tried us you could ever wish to remove from
a root vege exterior veg scrub find a different solution
(11:58):
for cleaning celery root. Veg scrub is good with over
one hundred root varietals aside from celery root, but not
a good candidate for celery root. Veg scrub unstoppable except
for celery root. Best on the market.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Aside from celery root. You're absolutely gonna fall in love
with this product.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Vege scrub best scrub.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Calling all blondes. Yeah you, it's me, celebrity hairstylist to
the stars chelse Been. Have you heard about the hair brash.
It's a brush that restores an ashy blonde to blonde
who have gone brassy hair brash, return your brass to ash.
All you have to do is load the brush up
(12:41):
with our proprietary powder developed in the Chik salons of
Beverly Hills and boom Bengo. Presto. You have yourself what
looks like a new dye job with zero brassy tones,
all in one hundred simple strokes of your hair. Brash
or less hair brash. You look fambrashleus and what's more,
(13:05):
you look friend brashtick. You're all ash and no brass
with an ass to match you Go girl. Not recommended
with flash Photography. Subscribe with thirty percent off in your
weekly refills of our proprietary brash powder formula Brunette, Don't fret,
Brash powders and your color Ranger due to hit the
sight in twenty twenty eight.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
A frup nan a puppy, Mommy, No, honey, I hate
loud sounds and the smell of shit.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Mommy, you said the yes work.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Here's two more S words for you, dear. Sorry as
in sorry I said the S word when you're only five,
and shedding as in I also despise fur and shedding, honey.
So a puppy is out of the question.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
Sound familiar.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Being a parent is hard without adding the drama and
pressure of a live animal into the mix.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
I love you, mommy for being realistic about what you
take on.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Thank you, my darling. And I want you to know
if we did get a puppy, it would be from
a rescue, not a pet shop of puppy mill.
Speaker 4 (14:06):
Do the best mow mark out, adopt, don't shop, but
also only do it when you're fully ready, and be
realistic about shutting.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Are you uncomfortably overweight? You seem like it from the
way you're listening so intently right now, Imagine a new
product on the market. Unlike the prevailing appetite suppressing injectors
that still takes your weight down by twenty to thirty
pounds in a shockingly short time span, rather than a
span of three months for thirty pounds, Oh sh this
new revolutionary injector creates weight loss in mere days. A
(14:40):
prescription will deliver you a sixty percent increase in social
compliments by day four. This injectable is a bit different
in that, rather than a single bruising injection once a week,
you will need to do fifty just like the fifty states.
This is totally manageable with any lifestyle. Many choose to
cycle through their extremities. Many users choose to inject each
(15:00):
toe five times and simply always wear shoes with a
large toe bed. Others will have a loved one simply
inject their upper back fifty times before going to sleep.
Try our superinjector, a proprietary staplegun like apparatus that can
get all fifty shots into your system in less than
twenty five seconds. Hold it up to any tender part
of your body temple, forearm, stomach, inner thigh, Let it
(15:22):
spike you fifty times in rapid succession, and let the
meds do their magic. Easy peasy. Try this each morning
as a wake up or at night as a release.
Do not stop mid treatment, Do not stop maid treatment,
Do not stop meat treating.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Are you thinking about popping the big question to a
very special someone? We have just the right ring to
commemorate the moment, customizable to fit the tastes of your
sophisticated significant other. Swing by John Theo val Dam Jewelers
in downtown Los Angeles or our Tarzana or Vanni's locations,
or at any mall near you, and we will work
(16:03):
with you to make this day what it deserves to
be uniquely special. John Theo Valdam knows that cost accounts
for only a small fraction of the sparkle on her finger,
and in your lives, the rest is love, and John
Theo Valdam believes in love. Let us help you take
her there. John Theo Valdam is an expert at taking
(16:23):
a woman right up to the edge and leaning her
over the railing in an exhilarating backdip. John Theo Valdam
is waiting for your wife with a ring in between
his thick, luscious lips. Alert John Theo Valdam in advance
as to which location you will be showing up to
downtown Tarzana or Van Nys, and he will be waiting
for you with nothing on but scented grease jewelry. Nothing
(16:46):
says I Love you like fourteen carrot gold, especially when
painted on John Theo Valdam's pert nipples. You and your
wife will be so thrilled when you are absolutely jtv'd
into oblivion, John Theo Valdam. She will say yes, She
will say yes, no matter what.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
Ell ladies and gentlemen, What an app? What an app?
I'm so excited to bring out one of my dear
friends and a co host of the world record podcast,
Absolutely Kuka Mamie podcast with two of my dear friends
hosting the very funny, the very inventive Brendan who.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
All Brandon Brandon Brandon Yes, yes, ah, yes, yes, keep
it going, keep it going.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
I live for this Applause is my lifeblood.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
Hey Chelse, what's up, dude? What's with you?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yes, it's been a great app.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Yeah, yeah so this one?
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Yeah, call Chelsea pretty one of the great call in
podcast that's out there. You can listen weekly brand new
fresh apps, breast brand new breasts apps.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
What a pod well you know, speaking of breasts. Yeah, uh, ladies.
Are you tired of uncomfortable and time consuming methods of
managing unwanted breast hair, look no further than the Mammary Mower.
The revolutionary electric shave are specifically designed for women's breasts
from the makers of Man's Skin. Oh, say goodbye to
(18:34):
messy creams, painful waxing, and dull razors. The Mammary Mower
offers a safe and effective solution for smooth hair free bisogas.
Its unique curved design and hypoallergenic blades are perfect for
navigating the contours of your fun bags, providing a close
and comfortable shave every time. The Memory Mower is cordless, rechargeable,
(18:55):
and waterproof, making it convenient for use in the shower
or tough But the Memory is not just a practical solution,
it is also a statement of self care and confidence.
Smooth hair free skin on your cans will help you
feel more comfortable and confident at your next pool party,
day at the beach, or when you're getting frisky with
that special man or woman in your life. The memory mowers,
(19:17):
hypoacergetic blades, and gentle touch technology minimize the risk of
irritation and ingrown hairs. Plus its compact and discrete design
makes it easy to store and travel with.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Wow. Color me interested.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Yeah, it's a good product. Use promo code Brendan and
get ten percent.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Off your first order.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
How much are they?
Speaker 4 (19:37):
They were not allowed to say. You have to go
to the site.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
You have to enter the code to find out.
Speaker 4 (19:41):
Yeah, but you get ten percent off.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Well, I'll give it a shot. You never thought about
doing that before, but it's It's piqued my interest for sure.
It's a great product, fascinating brandan And now a word
from our sponsors, Hi Angels.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
It's me chelse p. If you loved hair Brash, then
you're gonna love my newest product, Billboards of Me Chell Spain.
You can buy them anywhere. Billboards are seen as long
as you're in the Los Angeles area. On my driving
route from my house to my salons, my billboards are placed, respectively,
every mile and three quarters so that I cannot forget
(20:21):
that I'm alive and I made it, and I want
to bring everything I've made to you. On my version
of QVC QCP. If you love the products that Chelsea
and Todd Glass promoted on Instagram clips that you've seen,
You're gonna love my billboards, the Chelsepeaen billboards. Angels. I'm
coming for you, and I'm coming to walk around my
(20:42):
old golden retrievers. It's me chel Spain, the number one
celebrity hair is silent to celebrities themselves and also women
trying to get their hair from ash to brass?
Speaker 4 (20:55):
Was that what it was?
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Me?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Shampoo? Dude? Is your hair dull? Flat, lifeless?
Speaker 4 (21:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Well do you like it? Kind of why?
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I don't know what If I.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Told you there's an animal based shampoo you only need
to use once a week, I'm listening, full of animal
fats and oils, your hair will be living the life
it's meant to live.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
I don't know what's to know.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Just rub these animal products on your noggin and enjoy
the emollient wow factor for the rest of your days.
This is probably how cavemen did it. I doubt they
were using some sort of perfume conditioner.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Animal oil.
Speaker 5 (21:35):
Wow factor does sound good.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
What's it called, glad you asked, It's called meat shampoo.
I said it right at the beginning. Oh, it sounded
so sort of generic, so I didn't realize that was
the name. Yeah, that's kind of our audience. Oh me, yeah, generic. Great,
I'll give it a go. I don't really care that
much about my hair anyway, and I barely wash it
meat shampoo.
Speaker 6 (22:01):
Are you thinking about popping the big question to a
very special someone? We have just the right ring to
commemorate the moment, customizable to fit the taste of your
sophisticated significant other. Swing by John Theovaldamn Jewelers in downtown
(22:23):
Los Angeles or our Tarzana or Van Nuy's locations or
any mall near you, and we will work with you
to make this day what it deserves to be uniquely special.
John Theovaldamn knows that cost accounts for only a small
(22:44):
fraction of the sparkle on her finger, and in your lives,
the rest is love, and John Theovaldean believes in love.
Speaker 7 (22:55):
Let us help you take her there.
Speaker 6 (22:58):
John theovaldem is an expert at taking a woman right
up to the edge and leaning her over the railing
in an exhilarating back tip. John Theovaldam is waiting for
your wife with a ring in between his thick luscious lips.
Alert John Theo Valdam in advance as to which location
(23:20):
you will be showing up to Downtown Tarzana or Van Eyes,
and he will be waiting for you with nothing on
but scented grease jewelry. Oh nothing says I love you
like fourteen carrot gold, especially when painted on John Theo
(23:42):
Valdam's part nipples. You and your wife will be so
thrilled when you are absolutely JT feed into oblivion. Oh
John Theovaldam, she will say yes, no matter what.
Speaker 5 (24:02):
Some things in life are complicated. Gambling is simple. Come
to Geno's Online gamble Ateria and you will be treated
with integrity, honor, and respect whether you win, lose, or draw.
But you're gonna win. You've got lucky DNA. At Geno's
Online gamble Ateria, you will be treated like a cool
rock star. Yeah baby, So please roll the dice on Geno.
(24:26):
Geno's Online gamble Ateria open from sunrise to sunset and
all the dark hours in between. Give your family the
option of a grand future they never dreamed of having.
Get on a lucky streak and let them live like royalty, college,
and healthcare, all because you're a regular at Geno's online
gamble Ateria Gamble your life savings to attain a better
(24:48):
life for generations to come. It just makes sense. Hey,
tell Geno that Geno sent you. That would make him laugh.
He's got a kooky meta sense of humor.
Speaker 8 (25:04):
Hey, I'm sad like a lot. I find myself crying
or comatose probably two to fifteen times a week. But
that's okay because I'm working with my doctor on a plan.
That's fine. We don't need to stigmatize those kind of
(25:24):
things anymore. Did you know Theodore Roosevelt was on psychiatric medication?
I mean, I don't know if he was, But didn't
that make you feel better for a second. That proves
stigma is all in your mind. So please talk to
your doctor or talk to my doctor at mydoctor dot
backslash dot sixty nine dot com. That's c alm. There's
(25:49):
someone there to listen to you twenty four hours a
day via Snapchat, exchange or facts. If you have a
doctor's note, doctors plus your brain chemistry plus my doctor
dobackslash dot sixty nine dot com equals mental health and
there's no.
Speaker 5 (26:04):
Shame in that gents, are you listening when you cross
your legs? Is there nothing there to get in the way?
Do you feel like you have to put an extra
work in the bedroom to even get a small.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
Reaction out of your lover?
Speaker 5 (26:17):
Do you also wish you were smarter to outsmart all
the smug smart people in the world around you to recap,
Do you simply wish you were smarter and had a
bigger appendage?
Speaker 4 (26:26):
Well, pull up a seat, brother.
Speaker 5 (26:28):
Huge D Brain is a supplement you can now purchase
that is not yet FDA approved, but in serious talks
to be approved. It is made out of over three
hundred and fifty six bioavailable ancient nutrients and stimulants that
have the ability to give you both brain and genital
strength at the exact same time. Huge D Brain makes
you smart enough to get a woman back to your
(26:49):
place with a little extra meat to finish the job,
and you will now understand the words she is using
when she breaks up with you.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
Huge D Brain, it's me chelse p. Whatever you say
about the ball patches that have been caused by my shampoos,
I say nay. Check out my billboards for the honest
take about what chelse Pean.
Speaker 4 (27:10):
It's all about.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
Any of the lawsuits, the alleged lawsuits pending about the
quality of my product and the baldness it inspires in
people's hairs. I ask, how could I have so many billboards?
And I say all of this with genuine love.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
Forget expensive energy drinks and dubious supplements. The future of
hydration is here. Introducing Savage tw the revolutionary reusable can
that unlocks the power of toilet water. Our patented purifier,
coupled with a potent blend of adaptogens, antioxidants, taurine, goat weed,
secret minerals from the Pacific Ocean floor, and flavor crystals,
(27:46):
transforms ordinary toilet water into an elixir of focus and energy.
Just dunk the can in the toilet filled up to
the line with tw wait twenty seconds and one sip
will give you the focus and energy you need to
tackle the Just remember to replace the canliner every thirty
toilet dunks to get the optimum health benefits from the
tw use promo code Flush for eleven percent.
Speaker 4 (28:09):
Off your first order.
Speaker 5 (28:10):
So stop flushing your money down the toilet on overpriced
artificial energy drinks and embrace the power of nature's most
abundant resource toilet water. Order your Savage tw today and
use promo code Flush for eleven percent off your first order.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
It's time to unleash your.
Speaker 5 (28:25):
Inner savage, one toilet dunk at a time.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Heading to Bear Country Bear Anxiety No Sweat Doctor K
has developed No Bear Fear. No Bear Fear is an
anti anxiety medication specific to bear threat based anxiety. This
fast release medicine can be taken before a brief or
lengthy hike in bear country to reduce or eliminate all
bear related anxiety and allow you to hike an absolute peace,
(28:53):
whether a bear should appear or not. Statistically, you cannot
fight off a bear, one to one, particular the grizzly bear.
So why spend the last precious minutes of your life
trapped in a paralyzing mental state full of dread and terror.
Die with a smile on your face, completely at peace
(29:14):
and calm as a bear claws into your innerts. You'll
be so blissed out it simply won't phase you at all.
Take two No Bear Fear tablets every two hours on
any level of hike, from beginner to expert, in any
terrain and be sure to drink plenty of water with it,
up to eight glasses of water per tablet. You may
need to lightly wander off trail to urinate multiple times
(29:36):
an hour. On no bear fear, This could put you
at a higher risk of bear attacks. If a bear
approaches in the woods and no one reacts with abject terror,
did the bear really even exist? No bear fear recommended
by two doctors out of ten for bear based anxiety disorder.
A bear fight may be in your future, but why
take on the anxiety that comes with it? No bear fear.
Speaker 5 (29:59):
My leaf blo keep breaking and malfunctioning, full of cheap
parts and poorly manufactured.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
I was about ready to.
Speaker 5 (30:05):
Buy a broom and go back to good old fashioned
sweeping when my neighbor recommended Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers before worn.
The sheer air force of Lucy's Lethal leaf Blowers is
enough to kill ants. For this reason, please wear headphones
while operating Lucy's Lethal leaf Flowers. If you are attacked
or stalked by a neighbor for using Lucy's Lethal leaf Blowers.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
Do not point your LB at them.
Speaker 5 (30:26):
As this can lead to an attempted murder charge.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Do not operate after dusk.
Speaker 5 (30:31):
Lock all pets and doors with Lucy's Pet headphones on
while using Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers. Give neighbors adequate notice
when preparing to use Lucy's lethal leaf blowers. Reintroduce ant
colonies slowly if you are attempting to acclimate them to.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
Lucy's lethal leaf blowers.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Do not point at loose or broken skin.
Speaker 4 (30:48):
Do not deploy near bee or wasp pipes.
Speaker 5 (30:51):
Some bovine fatalities have occurred within close proximity.
Speaker 4 (30:54):
To Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers.
Speaker 5 (30:56):
Thus not recommended for agricultural or farm use. I used
to cut food use two times a year max. Some
soils may be stripped of their nutritive properties with frequent.
Speaker 4 (31:07):
Use of Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers.
Speaker 5 (31:09):
They can strip paint off some walls. Check with local
wildlife control about vulnerable mole populations in your area. Neighbors
will hate resent stock and despise you.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
If you love chelse Peen, then you're gonna love Chesz
Jeans my new line of jeweled gens for your dogs. Quick.
I need to get in my cars so I can
see my billboards.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Wait, you with the long hair.
Speaker 6 (31:36):
I think I've seen your billboards.
Speaker 7 (31:39):
Have you seen this man wearing all the gold chains?
His name is John theoval Dam and I've been looking
for him all day. I didn't even get to tell
you that he's probably armed and dangerous, but that's why
I love him.
Speaker 8 (31:56):
Criutch chair. Remember the supposed revolution and desk chairs that
was standing chairs? What an absolute croc of Well, let's
play nice and say croc of butcher.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Remember couches doesn't seem that long ago that they were
the spot to relax.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Well, hear me out. Ceramic Barn Tween has released the
crouch chair. It's sort of perfect for tweens who have
a ton of energy and don't like to be sedentary,
but have a little desk work to do.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
It's cushiony like a couch, but chair like without a
back or bottom, so you're able to half stand, half
sit in a crouch like cushy fashion.
Speaker 8 (32:33):
Your tween is gonna flip out, but then your tween
is gonna crouch down in his or her or their crouchchair.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Mom or dad or caretaker might sneak a try and
like it too, Hovering in the halfway house of crouch
like air chairs. The crouch chair get.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
One now at Ceramic Barn Tween.
Speaker 6 (32:56):
Jaunty about Damn has been dead for fifteen years. Oh boy,
the secret is out. Oh my ghost Daddy John Diovaldim
is running the show from the grave. Ooh we are jewelry,
shines and sparkles. John Diovaldim box orders that as from
(33:17):
beneath the floorboards. H oh, another sale, have a great marriage.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
I'm Chelsea pretty By now you're realizing you're part of
a new type of concept podcast. I am rolling out
in collaboration with large corporations and a few small businesses.
The first ever all adds podcast with zero content hosts
will make millions without the pesky interference of forced content
in between ads. If you're like me, you want to
cut to the chase and get down to brass tacks.
(33:47):
You want to get right to the heart of the matter,
and it's ads. Let's do a podcast straight, no chaser,
lose the babble and mainline the good stuff. Advertisements enrich
our lives. They are the corporate mulch in the garden
of consumerism. Without them, we would not know what to buy.
We'd be wandering the streets with a funny look on
our face. So called civilization has gotten so big and overwhelming.
(34:11):
It's important to know what to purchase, how much of
it to purchase, and when to strike while the iron
is hot. You can subscribe to our new ad Blast Basket,
where a robust collection of desirable items are delivered daily
right to your door. This month includes an unbreakable triple
jug of celestial waters, a hair brash, blood yoga pants,
a penis charm from John Theo Valdam, three veg scrubbers,
(34:34):
and a crouch chair. No bear fear is prescription only
at the moment, but we are working on getting that
to be over the counter due to popular demand. Hopelessness,
let's not succumb to it. There are things you can
buy that will make you feel better. Is your pet cute?
Does your pet need more physical things in the house.
We're on it. We have a pet commerce specialist involved
in our packaging and a team of vets on the
(34:55):
advisory board. Are you fantasizing about a vacation? We have
have access to a whole category of vacation fantasy clothing.
This includes sandals, swimsuits, and sunglasses. Sonnies, I love sonnies.
You will feel young, cool, beautiful and well traveled. If
you get our ad blast basket delivered straight to your
fucking door, bashing it in like a battering ram, wake up,
(35:17):
you need things. You're an ad man. Your dog is
in advertising, your kid is a commercial, your food is
an ad. Your vacation is a series of ads parceled
out for your friends aka your followers. Do your followers
engage with your content? If not, you may not be lovable.
But with a daily ad blast basket full of riches,
(35:37):
you will feel whole.
Speaker 6 (35:39):
You will make good content, You will be young, you
will be loved, You will be engaged.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
You are one with all products. You are the ad
blast basket. You are love all right, guys, hope you
like the new ad cast. Please link and subscribe and
spread the word. We are the first ones doing this,
so we need all the grassroots support we can get,
and please sign up for daily ad blast basket shipments
(36:05):
in partnership with one of the biggest shipping and consumer
suppliers in town that even staunch activists secretly use in
spite of their front facing labor policies. And if you're
tired of the treadmill of releasing unpaid content, consider joining
the ad cast movement. Your only job is to read ads.
(36:26):
That's it. Join us in an all ad world.
Ll we meet again. Welcome back to Sacy pay the
best pod going. Yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
Before we get going here, I do need to run
a few ads. Yes, I do need to keep the
(00:21):
lights on, folks, so bear with me and thanks for
listening and supporting pH. Balance of vaginas can be tricky.
What our bodies naturally do is wrong. Would you like
to right the wrong of your vagina? Make it better?
Because you're a walking vagina? Try VPH. Did you know
(00:44):
the Latin root of vagina vigine means bad. How about
a cent free, squeaky clean, scientifically perfect vagina? I know,
I Chelsea PERETTI do want one. Imagine my vagina on
VPH right now, soulless, perfect, almost the absence of a vagina, VPH.
(01:05):
Because vaginas are so fucking stupid they don't know how
to balance themselves, VPH. Put your idiot vagina in after
school detention, VPH. Send money please, Hey girls, d men straight?
Is it often a downright mess? Gloopy, gloppy with dark,
shameful stains everywhere, extremely painful and creating constant logistical havoc?
(01:30):
Youch Traditional tampons are dense and scratchy, full of plastics
and by products, probably harmful, and they make no sense.
Are you rushing to yoga fumbling around with a paper
or plastic wrapped cotton wood attached to a ridiculous string
that often snaps into two or three or even four pieces. Thanks,
I'll save the string for my next knitting project, or
(01:51):
to re string my five string guitar, or play Cat's
Cradle with my grandma. What if I told you go
go to yoga, just be sure to quickly slip on
a comfy pair of yoga blood pants. You won't need
underwear and they can fill up for up to a week.
That's right, seven days of zero leakage, drippage or spillage
or embarrassing mishaps. Stop the shame game. You don't deserve it.
(02:15):
Make that yoga class on time. Headstands not recommended with
the light irregular yoga blood pants. Yoga blood pants not
recommended for bear country. Ask your doctor about yoga blood pants.
Wash separately. If on trial for murder, Alert forensic team
investigating blood spatter to the presence of yoga blood pants
in your domicile, popping.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Whitch, shiny blue circles, woe shot green triangles.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Ask Mom to download the new gaming phenomenon popping big
shiny blue circles with sharp green triangles. You're gonna be
so shocked when you look up from this game and
five hours of your life have been virtually stolen. Have
I really been popping circles with triangles for five hours?
Speaker 3 (03:00):
Yes, popping big shiny blue circles with sharp green triangles.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Everywhere. Games are souled.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Calling all blondes. Yeah you have you heard about the
hair brash. It's a brush that restores an ashy blonde
to blonde who have gone brassy. Hair brash, return your
brass to ash. All you have to do is load
the brush up with our proprietary powder developed in the
chik salons of Beverly Hills and boom Bengo. Presto, you
(03:29):
have yourself what looks like a new dye job with
zero brassy tones, all in one hundred simple strokes of
the hair brash or less hair brash. You look fambrasculess,
and what's more, you look fambrashtick. You're all ash and
no brass with an ass to match. You Go girl.
Not recommended with Flash photography. Subscribe for thirty percent off
(03:51):
in weekly refills of our proprietary brash powder formula Brunette.
Don't fret, brash powders in your colour range are due
to hit the sight in twenty twenty eight, pending climate change.
See you soon. Hey, I'm sad like a lot. I
find myself crying or comatos probably two to fifteen times
a week. But that's okay because I'm working with my
(04:13):
doctor on a plan. That's fine. We don't need to
stigmatize those kind of things anymore. Did you know Theodore
Roosevelt was on psychiatric medication? I don't know if he was,
but didn't that make you feel better for a second.
That proves that stigma is all in our minds. So
please talk to your doctor or talk to my doctor
(04:35):
at mydoctor dot backslash dot sixty nine dot com. That's
c alm. There's someone there to listen to you twenty
four hours a day via snapchat or facts if you
have a doctor's note. Doctors plus your brain chemistry plus
mydoctor dot backslash dot sixty nine dot com equals mental
health and there's no shame in that. Oh my gosh, wow,
(04:59):
what podcast so far? The Vibe is right, and it
can only get better because one of my favorite people
in LA is here now, Scott Ackerman of comedy Bang.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Bang, Thank you fame in LA. I love the qualifier.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Stalwart in the comedy scene. A little prickly questioning my
qualifiers but ignoring your direction, love expressed, ignoring the love
express like any good comedian.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Yes, any good comedian would just pick out the one
word that was.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
The hurtful part. Yeah, Scott, how the hell are you?
Speaker 2 (05:32):
I'm good. I'm feeling really good. It's been I mean,
you know, it's the morning, and you know, I just
got through with my my daily chores and my took
the shower and all that kind of stuff, and so
I'm ready to go.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Do you shower every day?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
I try to every day. Occasionally life gets in the way,
but you know you want to try to definitely do
the other stuff every day. Are you as showering in
the morning or evening? Person?
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Definitely? Morning? Is the press m.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yeah me too, because I feel like you gotta get
off all that sweat. You know that you've gone through
the night, because I'm just I have night terrors and
I'm just seeing they're screaming all night really.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
But yeah, so you so shower, you know, brush teeth,
you know, all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
I'm so sick of brushing my teeth.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Yeah, I know. It's it's tough. You gotta do it
every day, twice a day. You know what, though, you
don't really have to anymore.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
What Yeah?
Speaker 4 (06:29):
With E. J.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Bruckmeyer's new cutting edge toothpills, you are released from the
labor of ever having to brush your teeth with an
outmoded tool again. You know, Chelsea, there there hasn't been
a ton of innovation in the field of dentistry for
hundreds of years, maybe thousands. But now, with two toothpills
in the morning and twenty five toothpills at night, your
(06:50):
teeth will be as clean as a whistle and sparkle
like the top of the Chrysler building.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Wowee, doesn't seem possible. Sounds absolutely amazing, like a dream.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Yeah it is. And have you heard of EJ. Bruckmeyer's
meal pills?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
No, I haven't.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Bruckmeyer's visionary medical inventions make it possible for you to
get up and go straight to work without taking time
at home to brush your teeth prior to leaving, and
without stopping for meals at the start end or in
the middle of your workday.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
This is too random and cool.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Right on, you can work through all meals, wake up,
and head straight into the office without ever slowing down.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Sounds majorly efficient. What an upgrade? Anything else? I should know.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
One thing to be careful of, and this is all
detailed in the instructions online once you joined the EJ.
Bruckmeyer online portal for daily tips, vid chat's check ins
and tooth wellness photo reports, is to never take your
toothpills at the same time as your meal pills or
within a five hour window. And the you know, that's
about it.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
I'm trying to think when I would take my meal pills.
The math is a little challenging. Does it even work out?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Sure? Make it work all the time? Buy the pills now, subscribe,
join the online Bruckmeyer community. Figure it out later on
your own time.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Hmm, okay, I really do want the ease of taking
pills all day. Well, let me ask you this. Would
it be the end of the world if I did
take both the tooth and meal pills in the same timeframe.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
It would be disastrous?
Speaker 1 (08:23):
Oh? Come on? How bad could it be?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Never ever do that.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
This is silly. Let go of my arm.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
You are laughing right now, Chelsea, but I promise you
will not be laughing if you ever make the mistake
of taking your toothpills within a five hour window of
taking your meal pills. Ow.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Oh excuse me, I'm gonna have a sip of water.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Hmmm yow tap water huh yeah yeah, and ah hurts
going down, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
It tastes like old pipes and tires with a pinch
of pennies and soil mixed in.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Right, I suppose that's true.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Well, you know, Celestial waters are triple bottled and provide
great relief from the challenges of tap.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
In our proprietary bottling method, we take the most pristine
waters imaginable and bottle them not once, not twice, but
three times in an absolutely antiseptic, scientific environment and process.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
When you sip the water, the experience is like breathing air.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Due to extensive processing, our water is not physically discernible
as water.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
When you take a sip, add on a pack of
Celestial Water sip detectors for only twenty eight ninety nine
a month. Celestial Waters bottle water once. Shame on you.
Bottle water twice. Now we're getting somewhere, bottle water three times. Bingo, ringo, dingo,
chut ching.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Ch Celestial waters downright, celestial hard to even detect in
your mouth, triple bottled.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Feelings of thirst will sometimes occur with celestial waters. Speak
to your doctor about supplementing with tap to avoid dehydration.
Layaway plans available. Wow, oh, hey, Chaz, I got a
question for you.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Hit me.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Have you, or I guess or a loved one ever
been injured while listening to a podcast?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
I don't think so well.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
You may be entitled to compensation. Our team of personal
injury lawyers are at the ready, working hard around the
clock to get you the compensation you deserve. Have you
been injured listening to a podcast in your car or
at your domicile, in the workplace, in a paid parking lot,
on a hike, in your garage, at a private party,
or in a college classroom. Contact Wesley and Wesley and
(10:51):
Bernard for a free consultation in five to ten years.
Once we hotly pursue and recover all moneies owed, you
could be out of your apartment and on a yacht
recording your own podcast in a lux studio pending climate
change Wesley and Wesley and Bernard. You don't deserve to
suffer in physical pain listening to podcasts alone, post podcasts
(11:13):
listening related injury.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
That's great, Scott, and now a few more ads. Veg scrub.
Do you ever eat potatoes? Ever scratch off imperfections off
of them with your nails, or even worse, scoop them
out with a dull butter knife because you don't have
the appropriate appliance to safely and effectively clean the vege
of the hour youch don't do that. Try veg scrub,
(11:35):
the only scrub brush tested on over one hundred and
fifty root vegetable varietals across the globe, and guess what
it works Aside from celery root. The vege scrub is
absolutely undefeated in the ring with all scrubby vegetables and
root vegetables aside from celery root. Aside from celery root,
you canna absolutely fall in love with this product. It
is able to skim, trim, gauge, and gouge all that
had tried us you could ever wish to remove from
a root vege exterior veg scrub find a different solution
(11:58):
for cleaning celery root. Veg scrub is good with over
one hundred root varietals aside from celery root, but not
a good candidate for celery root. Veg scrub unstoppable except
for celery root. Best on the market.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Aside from celery root. You're absolutely gonna fall in love
with this product.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Vege scrub best scrub.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Calling all blondes. Yeah you, it's me, celebrity hairstylist to
the stars chelse Been. Have you heard about the hair brash.
It's a brush that restores an ashy blonde to blonde
who have gone brassy hair brash, return your brass to ash.
All you have to do is load the brush up
(12:41):
with our proprietary powder developed in the Chik salons of
Beverly Hills and boom Bengo. Presto. You have yourself what
looks like a new dye job with zero brassy tones,
all in one hundred simple strokes of your hair. Brash
or less hair brash. You look fambrashleus and what's more,
(13:05):
you look friend brashtick. You're all ash and no brass
with an ass to match you Go girl. Not recommended
with flash Photography. Subscribe with thirty percent off in your
weekly refills of our proprietary brash powder formula Brunette, Don't fret,
Brash powders and your color Ranger due to hit the
sight in twenty twenty eight.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
A frup nan a puppy, Mommy, No, honey, I hate
loud sounds and the smell of shit.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Mommy, you said the yes work.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Here's two more S words for you, dear. Sorry as
in sorry I said the S word when you're only five,
and shedding as in I also despise fur and shedding, honey.
So a puppy is out of the question.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
Sound familiar.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Being a parent is hard without adding the drama and
pressure of a live animal into the mix.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
I love you, mommy for being realistic about what you
take on.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Thank you, my darling. And I want you to know
if we did get a puppy, it would be from
a rescue, not a pet shop of puppy mill.
Speaker 4 (14:06):
Do the best mow mark out, adopt, don't shop, but
also only do it when you're fully ready, and be
realistic about shutting.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Are you uncomfortably overweight? You seem like it from the
way you're listening so intently right now, Imagine a new
product on the market. Unlike the prevailing appetite suppressing injectors
that still takes your weight down by twenty to thirty
pounds in a shockingly short time span, rather than a
span of three months for thirty pounds, Oh sh this
new revolutionary injector creates weight loss in mere days. A
(14:40):
prescription will deliver you a sixty percent increase in social
compliments by day four. This injectable is a bit different
in that, rather than a single bruising injection once a week,
you will need to do fifty just like the fifty states.
This is totally manageable with any lifestyle. Many choose to
cycle through their extremities. Many users choose to inject each
(15:00):
toe five times and simply always wear shoes with a
large toe bed. Others will have a loved one simply
inject their upper back fifty times before going to sleep.
Try our superinjector, a proprietary staplegun like apparatus that can
get all fifty shots into your system in less than
twenty five seconds. Hold it up to any tender part
of your body temple, forearm, stomach, inner thigh, Let it
(15:22):
spike you fifty times in rapid succession, and let the
meds do their magic. Easy peasy. Try this each morning
as a wake up or at night as a release.
Do not stop mid treatment, Do not stop maid treatment,
Do not stop meat treating.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Are you thinking about popping the big question to a
very special someone? We have just the right ring to
commemorate the moment, customizable to fit the tastes of your
sophisticated significant other. Swing by John Theo val Dam Jewelers
in downtown Los Angeles or our Tarzana or Vanni's locations,
or at any mall near you, and we will work
(16:03):
with you to make this day what it deserves to
be uniquely special. John Theo Valdam knows that cost accounts
for only a small fraction of the sparkle on her finger,
and in your lives, the rest is love, and John
Theo Valdam believes in love. Let us help you take
her there. John Theo Valdam is an expert at taking
(16:23):
a woman right up to the edge and leaning her
over the railing in an exhilarating backdip. John Theo Valdam
is waiting for your wife with a ring in between
his thick, luscious lips. Alert John Theo Valdam in advance
as to which location you will be showing up to
downtown Tarzana or Van Nys, and he will be waiting
for you with nothing on but scented grease jewelry. Nothing
(16:46):
says I Love you like fourteen carrot gold, especially when
painted on John Theo Valdam's pert nipples. You and your
wife will be so thrilled when you are absolutely jtv'd
into oblivion, John Theo Valdam. She will say yes, She
will say yes, no matter what.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
Ell ladies and gentlemen, What an app? What an app?
I'm so excited to bring out one of my dear
friends and a co host of the world record podcast,
Absolutely Kuka Mamie podcast with two of my dear friends
hosting the very funny, the very inventive Brendan who.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
All Brandon Brandon Brandon Yes, yes, ah, yes, yes, keep
it going, keep it going.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
I live for this Applause is my lifeblood.
Speaker 4 (17:48):
Hey Chelse, what's up, dude? What's with you?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yes, it's been a great app.
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Yeah, yeah so this one?
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Yeah, call Chelsea pretty one of the great call in
podcast that's out there. You can listen weekly brand new
fresh apps, breast brand new breasts apps.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
What a pod well you know, speaking of breasts. Yeah, uh, ladies.
Are you tired of uncomfortable and time consuming methods of
managing unwanted breast hair, look no further than the Mammary Mower.
The revolutionary electric shave are specifically designed for women's breasts
from the makers of Man's Skin. Oh, say goodbye to
(18:34):
messy creams, painful waxing, and dull razors. The Mammary Mower
offers a safe and effective solution for smooth hair free bisogas.
Its unique curved design and hypoallergenic blades are perfect for
navigating the contours of your fun bags, providing a close
and comfortable shave every time. The Memory Mower is cordless, rechargeable,
(18:55):
and waterproof, making it convenient for use in the shower
or tough But the Memory is not just a practical solution,
it is also a statement of self care and confidence.
Smooth hair free skin on your cans will help you
feel more comfortable and confident at your next pool party,
day at the beach, or when you're getting frisky with
that special man or woman in your life. The memory mowers,
(19:17):
hypoacergetic blades, and gentle touch technology minimize the risk of
irritation and ingrown hairs. Plus its compact and discrete design
makes it easy to store and travel with.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Wow. Color me interested.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Yeah, it's a good product. Use promo code Brendan and
get ten percent.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Off your first order.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
How much are they?
Speaker 4 (19:37):
They were not allowed to say. You have to go
to the site.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
You have to enter the code to find out.
Speaker 4 (19:41):
Yeah, but you get ten percent off.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Well, I'll give it a shot. You never thought about
doing that before, but it's It's piqued my interest for sure.
It's a great product, fascinating brandan And now a word
from our sponsors, Hi Angels.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
It's me chelse p. If you loved hair Brash, then
you're gonna love my newest product, Billboards of Me Chell Spain.
You can buy them anywhere. Billboards are seen as long
as you're in the Los Angeles area. On my driving
route from my house to my salons, my billboards are placed, respectively,
every mile and three quarters so that I cannot forget
(20:21):
that I'm alive and I made it, and I want
to bring everything I've made to you. On my version
of QVC QCP. If you love the products that Chelsea
and Todd Glass promoted on Instagram clips that you've seen,
You're gonna love my billboards, the Chelsepeaen billboards. Angels. I'm
coming for you, and I'm coming to walk around my
(20:42):
old golden retrievers. It's me chel Spain, the number one
celebrity hair is silent to celebrities themselves and also women
trying to get their hair from ash to brass?
Speaker 4 (20:55):
Was that what it was?
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Me?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Shampoo? Dude? Is your hair dull? Flat, lifeless?
Speaker 4 (21:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Well do you like it? Kind of why?
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I don't know what If I.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Told you there's an animal based shampoo you only need
to use once a week, I'm listening, full of animal
fats and oils, your hair will be living the life
it's meant to live.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
I don't know what's to know.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Just rub these animal products on your noggin and enjoy
the emollient wow factor for the rest of your days.
This is probably how cavemen did it. I doubt they
were using some sort of perfume conditioner.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Animal oil.
Speaker 5 (21:35):
Wow factor does sound good.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
What's it called, glad you asked, It's called meat shampoo.
I said it right at the beginning. Oh, it sounded
so sort of generic, so I didn't realize that was
the name. Yeah, that's kind of our audience. Oh me, yeah, generic. Great,
I'll give it a go. I don't really care that
much about my hair anyway, and I barely wash it
meat shampoo.
Speaker 6 (22:01):
Are you thinking about popping the big question to a
very special someone? We have just the right ring to
commemorate the moment, customizable to fit the taste of your
sophisticated significant other. Swing by John Theovaldamn Jewelers in downtown
(22:23):
Los Angeles or our Tarzana or Van Nuy's locations or
any mall near you, and we will work with you
to make this day what it deserves to be uniquely special.
John Theovaldamn knows that cost accounts for only a small
(22:44):
fraction of the sparkle on her finger, and in your lives,
the rest is love, and John Theovaldean believes in love.
Speaker 7 (22:55):
Let us help you take her there.
Speaker 6 (22:58):
John theovaldem is an expert at taking a woman right
up to the edge and leaning her over the railing
in an exhilarating back tip. John Theovaldam is waiting for
your wife with a ring in between his thick luscious lips.
Alert John Theo Valdam in advance as to which location
(23:20):
you will be showing up to Downtown Tarzana or Van Eyes,
and he will be waiting for you with nothing on
but scented grease jewelry. Oh nothing says I love you
like fourteen carrot gold, especially when painted on John Theo
(23:42):
Valdam's part nipples. You and your wife will be so
thrilled when you are absolutely JT feed into oblivion. Oh
John Theovaldam, she will say yes, no matter what.
Speaker 5 (24:02):
Some things in life are complicated. Gambling is simple. Come
to Geno's Online gamble Ateria and you will be treated
with integrity, honor, and respect whether you win, lose, or draw.
But you're gonna win. You've got lucky DNA. At Geno's
Online gamble Ateria, you will be treated like a cool
rock star. Yeah baby, So please roll the dice on Geno.
(24:26):
Geno's Online gamble Ateria open from sunrise to sunset and
all the dark hours in between. Give your family the
option of a grand future they never dreamed of having.
Get on a lucky streak and let them live like royalty, college,
and healthcare, all because you're a regular at Geno's online
gamble Ateria Gamble your life savings to attain a better
(24:48):
life for generations to come. It just makes sense. Hey,
tell Geno that Geno sent you. That would make him laugh.
He's got a kooky meta sense of humor.
Speaker 8 (25:04):
Hey, I'm sad like a lot. I find myself crying
or comatose probably two to fifteen times a week. But
that's okay because I'm working with my doctor on a plan.
That's fine. We don't need to stigmatize those kind of
(25:24):
things anymore. Did you know Theodore Roosevelt was on psychiatric medication?
I mean, I don't know if he was, But didn't
that make you feel better for a second. That proves
stigma is all in your mind. So please talk to
your doctor or talk to my doctor at mydoctor dot
backslash dot sixty nine dot com. That's c alm. There's
(25:49):
someone there to listen to you twenty four hours a
day via Snapchat, exchange or facts. If you have a
doctor's note, doctors plus your brain chemistry plus my doctor
dobackslash dot sixty nine dot com equals mental health and
there's no.
Speaker 5 (26:04):
Shame in that gents, are you listening when you cross
your legs? Is there nothing there to get in the way?
Do you feel like you have to put an extra
work in the bedroom to even get a small.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
Reaction out of your lover?
Speaker 5 (26:17):
Do you also wish you were smarter to outsmart all
the smug smart people in the world around you to recap,
Do you simply wish you were smarter and had a
bigger appendage?
Speaker 4 (26:26):
Well, pull up a seat, brother.
Speaker 5 (26:28):
Huge D Brain is a supplement you can now purchase
that is not yet FDA approved, but in serious talks
to be approved. It is made out of over three
hundred and fifty six bioavailable ancient nutrients and stimulants that
have the ability to give you both brain and genital
strength at the exact same time. Huge D Brain makes
you smart enough to get a woman back to your
(26:49):
place with a little extra meat to finish the job,
and you will now understand the words she is using
when she breaks up with you.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
Huge D Brain, it's me chelse p. Whatever you say
about the ball patches that have been caused by my shampoos,
I say nay. Check out my billboards for the honest
take about what chelse Pean.
Speaker 4 (27:10):
It's all about.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
Any of the lawsuits, the alleged lawsuits pending about the
quality of my product and the baldness it inspires in
people's hairs. I ask, how could I have so many billboards?
And I say all of this with genuine love.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
Forget expensive energy drinks and dubious supplements. The future of
hydration is here. Introducing Savage tw the revolutionary reusable can
that unlocks the power of toilet water. Our patented purifier,
coupled with a potent blend of adaptogens, antioxidants, taurine, goat weed,
secret minerals from the Pacific Ocean floor, and flavor crystals,
(27:46):
transforms ordinary toilet water into an elixir of focus and energy.
Just dunk the can in the toilet filled up to
the line with tw wait twenty seconds and one sip
will give you the focus and energy you need to
tackle the Just remember to replace the canliner every thirty
toilet dunks to get the optimum health benefits from the
tw use promo code Flush for eleven percent.
Speaker 4 (28:09):
Off your first order.
Speaker 5 (28:10):
So stop flushing your money down the toilet on overpriced
artificial energy drinks and embrace the power of nature's most
abundant resource toilet water. Order your Savage tw today and
use promo code Flush for eleven percent off your first order.
Speaker 4 (28:24):
It's time to unleash your.
Speaker 5 (28:25):
Inner savage, one toilet dunk at a time.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Heading to Bear Country Bear Anxiety No Sweat Doctor K
has developed No Bear Fear. No Bear Fear is an
anti anxiety medication specific to bear threat based anxiety. This
fast release medicine can be taken before a brief or
lengthy hike in bear country to reduce or eliminate all
bear related anxiety and allow you to hike an absolute peace,
(28:53):
whether a bear should appear or not. Statistically, you cannot
fight off a bear, one to one, particular the grizzly bear.
So why spend the last precious minutes of your life
trapped in a paralyzing mental state full of dread and terror.
Die with a smile on your face, completely at peace
(29:14):
and calm as a bear claws into your innerts. You'll
be so blissed out it simply won't phase you at all.
Take two No Bear Fear tablets every two hours on
any level of hike, from beginner to expert, in any
terrain and be sure to drink plenty of water with it,
up to eight glasses of water per tablet. You may
need to lightly wander off trail to urinate multiple times
(29:36):
an hour. On no bear fear, This could put you
at a higher risk of bear attacks. If a bear
approaches in the woods and no one reacts with abject terror,
did the bear really even exist? No bear fear recommended
by two doctors out of ten for bear based anxiety disorder.
A bear fight may be in your future, but why
take on the anxiety that comes with it? No bear fear.
Speaker 5 (29:59):
My leaf blo keep breaking and malfunctioning, full of cheap
parts and poorly manufactured.
Speaker 4 (30:04):
I was about ready to.
Speaker 5 (30:05):
Buy a broom and go back to good old fashioned
sweeping when my neighbor recommended Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers before worn.
The sheer air force of Lucy's Lethal leaf Blowers is
enough to kill ants. For this reason, please wear headphones
while operating Lucy's Lethal leaf Flowers. If you are attacked
or stalked by a neighbor for using Lucy's Lethal leaf Blowers.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
Do not point your LB at them.
Speaker 5 (30:26):
As this can lead to an attempted murder charge.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Do not operate after dusk.
Speaker 5 (30:31):
Lock all pets and doors with Lucy's Pet headphones on
while using Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers. Give neighbors adequate notice
when preparing to use Lucy's lethal leaf blowers. Reintroduce ant
colonies slowly if you are attempting to acclimate them to.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
Lucy's lethal leaf blowers.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Do not point at loose or broken skin.
Speaker 4 (30:48):
Do not deploy near bee or wasp pipes.
Speaker 5 (30:51):
Some bovine fatalities have occurred within close proximity.
Speaker 4 (30:54):
To Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers.
Speaker 5 (30:56):
Thus not recommended for agricultural or farm use. I used
to cut food use two times a year max. Some
soils may be stripped of their nutritive properties with frequent.
Speaker 4 (31:07):
Use of Lucy's Lethal leaf blowers.
Speaker 5 (31:09):
They can strip paint off some walls. Check with local
wildlife control about vulnerable mole populations in your area. Neighbors
will hate resent stock and despise you.
Speaker 3 (31:22):
If you love chelse Peen, then you're gonna love Chesz
Jeans my new line of jeweled gens for your dogs. Quick.
I need to get in my cars so I can
see my billboards.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Wait, you with the long hair.
Speaker 6 (31:36):
I think I've seen your billboards.
Speaker 7 (31:39):
Have you seen this man wearing all the gold chains?
His name is John theoval Dam and I've been looking
for him all day. I didn't even get to tell
you that he's probably armed and dangerous, but that's why
I love him.
Speaker 8 (31:56):
Criutch chair. Remember the supposed revolution and desk chairs that
was standing chairs? What an absolute croc of Well, let's
play nice and say croc of butcher.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Remember couches doesn't seem that long ago that they were
the spot to relax.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Well, hear me out. Ceramic Barn Tween has released the
crouch chair. It's sort of perfect for tweens who have
a ton of energy and don't like to be sedentary,
but have a little desk work to do.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
It's cushiony like a couch, but chair like without a
back or bottom, so you're able to half stand, half
sit in a crouch like cushy fashion.
Speaker 8 (32:33):
Your tween is gonna flip out, but then your tween
is gonna crouch down in his or her or their crouchchair.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Mom or dad or caretaker might sneak a try and
like it too, Hovering in the halfway house of crouch
like air chairs. The crouch chair get.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
One now at Ceramic Barn Tween.
Speaker 6 (32:56):
Jaunty about Damn has been dead for fifteen years. Oh boy,
the secret is out. Oh my ghost Daddy John Diovaldim
is running the show from the grave. Ooh we are jewelry,
shines and sparkles. John Diovaldim box orders that as from
(33:17):
beneath the floorboards. H oh, another sale, have a great marriage.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
I'm Chelsea pretty By now you're realizing you're part of
a new type of concept podcast. I am rolling out
in collaboration with large corporations and a few small businesses.
The first ever all adds podcast with zero content hosts
will make millions without the pesky interference of forced content
in between ads. If you're like me, you want to
cut to the chase and get down to brass tacks.
(33:47):
You want to get right to the heart of the matter,
and it's ads. Let's do a podcast straight, no chaser,
lose the babble and mainline the good stuff. Advertisements enrich
our lives. They are the corporate mulch in the garden
of consumerism. Without them, we would not know what to buy.
We'd be wandering the streets with a funny look on
our face. So called civilization has gotten so big and overwhelming.
(34:11):
It's important to know what to purchase, how much of
it to purchase, and when to strike while the iron
is hot. You can subscribe to our new ad Blast Basket,
where a robust collection of desirable items are delivered daily
right to your door. This month includes an unbreakable triple
jug of celestial waters, a hair brash, blood yoga pants,
a penis charm from John Theo Valdam, three veg scrubbers,
(34:34):
and a crouch chair. No bear fear is prescription only
at the moment, but we are working on getting that
to be over the counter due to popular demand. Hopelessness,
let's not succumb to it. There are things you can
buy that will make you feel better. Is your pet cute?
Does your pet need more physical things in the house.
We're on it. We have a pet commerce specialist involved
in our packaging and a team of vets on the
(34:55):
advisory board. Are you fantasizing about a vacation? We have
have access to a whole category of vacation fantasy clothing.
This includes sandals, swimsuits, and sunglasses. Sonnies, I love sonnies.
You will feel young, cool, beautiful and well traveled. If
you get our ad blast basket delivered straight to your
fucking door, bashing it in like a battering ram, wake up,
(35:17):
you need things. You're an ad man. Your dog is
in advertising, your kid is a commercial, your food is
an ad. Your vacation is a series of ads parceled
out for your friends aka your followers. Do your followers
engage with your content? If not, you may not be lovable.
But with a daily ad blast basket full of riches,
(35:37):
you will feel whole.
Speaker 6 (35:39):
You will make good content, You will be young, you
will be loved, You will be engaged.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
You are one with all products. You are the ad
blast basket. You are love all right, guys, hope you
like the new ad cast. Please link and subscribe and
spread the word. We are the first ones doing this,
so we need all the grassroots support we can get,
and please sign up for daily ad blast basket shipments
(36:05):
in partnership with one of the biggest shipping and consumer
suppliers in town that even staunch activists secretly use in
spite of their front facing labor policies. And if you're
tired of the treadmill of releasing unpaid content, consider joining
the ad cast movement. Your only job is to read ads.
(36:26):
That's it. Join us in an all ad world.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com