October 17, 2024 • 21 mins
A ranking system for your loved ones, people pleasing mixed with motherhood and long distance friendships. Nothing is off limits in this Call It Crew Q&A. Camilla and Jessica answer your questions on how to navigate these complicated situations!
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Call It What It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille Luddington,
an iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Well, Hello, Hello, hello.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
And welcome to another episode of Call It Short and Sweet.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
What's Up?
Speaker 3 (00:27):
What's Up? Today? We have dedicated the episode to a
fan Q and A. The Call It crew have always
always give us the best material, and so why not
dedicate an episode two questions that you have that Jessica
and I can dive right into.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
This is where we also remind you that we are
unlicensed to advise. Nothing gives us any sort of special
reason why we should be able to answer your questions.
But at this point, if you've written in, then there
must be something that you feel like you get from us,
and so.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
We're here to give it. Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
All right, We're going to.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Start with Sydney, who wrote in and said, Hi, Camilla
and Jessica, my boyfriend and I are planning on getting
engaged within six months to a year. I am so excited.
He is the man of my dreams and I truly
think we pair together so well. But we had a
conversation the other night and he told me that I
was his third favorite person in the world, behind his
mom and sister. I love both of them so much,
(01:22):
so I'm glad that they're going to be part of
my future family. But I am struggling with the thought
of being third. I always told myself I would be
in a relationship and a marriage where we put each
other first and pick each other every day, and I
feel like that ninety percent of the time with his actions,
but him saying that has been stuck.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
In my head for weeks.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Now Do I wait it out until closer to an
engagement to say anything, or is it something I bring
up now? Or am I out of line for wanting
to be number one? Thank you guys so much for
your advice and for being so open and honest in
these podcasts.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
I'll tell you the thing has stuck out to me, actually,
was she feels like ninety percent of the time his
actions show that she's first, right, and this comment is
throwing her a little. I personally would want a little
maybe clarification. It's hard. That's family, that's who he's grown
up with. Of course he loves those women in his life, right.
(02:12):
I think there's a natural situation.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Are you wondering if ninety percents enough?
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I'm assuming that her ninety percent. Is I feel like
that ninety percent the time with its actions, But him
saying that has stuck in my head for weeks now.
I think the ten percent is the comment.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
So ten percent of the time she feels like she's third,
you think so so specific by the way, I think
I was sort of more excrecting, like I'm second behind mom,
but mom and sister, I.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Think is I know, the sister part's really a little
bit strange. I mean, I love my siblings, but you know,
come on, come on now, if you're going to get engaged.
But my point is as a relationship progresses, I think,
you know, if you get married and then you're having children,
the mother of your children and your wife should be
(03:00):
number one. That's how it should be for sure. So
I'm wondering if this will just be a natural rearrangement
of this order. But it's bizarre he even said it
in the first place.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah, I kind of feel like that's one of those
things where if I were, if I were a friend
of his, I'd be like, you can tuck that in,
tuck it in there. You don't need to say that,
Like you don't need to be that explicit because I mean,
you know, it's funny because I talk about this a lot,
but I grew up. You know, my mom was single
for a big part of my younger years, and it was,
(03:33):
you know, very much a lot of being like she
and I against the world. And when you have one
parent that's everything to you.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
For sure. There's a sort of very.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Strong bond there that I think is not only lovely
but necessary, right and great. That being said, is you
mature as you get older, whereas I might have in
my younger years been like I can't even imagine loving
so one as much as I love my mom.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
You do.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
You end up falling in love with your person, and
then you do love them more than anyone, and they
become your number one. And I mean, listen, also, a
little bit like someone asking someone to like rank their
beloved is a little bit like, I don't think we
need to do that. But in the in the mom category,
she was my number one, and in my partner category,
(04:27):
Christopher was my number one. So it's like, I think
that you got to just be a little bit Maybe
I don't know, I think that the literal part of it,
it could get a little sticky, So I don't know,
that you need to like wait to get engaged to
bring up something that's bothering you. I think that if
you have something that is you're bumping on and you're
(04:48):
thinking about spending in the rest of your life with someone,
I think that you you say, like, hey, not a
big deal, but I'm a little bit bumping on this.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I don't think it's breakup worthy.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
No, but I would be like, tell tell me more,
like mom and sister, I think. And I'd also think
I maybe would be playful about it.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Yeah, I think so too, I I and I I. Yeah,
I would want him to explain a little bit more
because maybe there's also a misunderstanding of what that really
means to him.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Yeah, And you never know someone's you never know what
someone's going through, And there might be something where, you know,
he feels like he has to be there for his
mother and sister, you know, through thick and kat and
for the rest of their lives. Right, might be like
a protector thing might be like a that's a stupid
thing to say, but I mean like not like protector thing,
but like it might be a might be a dynamic
that was created in their home life where it was
(05:38):
you know he's always going to be the one that's,
you know, fronting up for them or.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Who knows because he doesn't say he doesn't say his dad.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
No, he doesn't say his dad. Yeah, what's the dynamic there?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
I'd get curious, And when I think, I'd ask about
the dynamic because I also think that understood you're thinking
about the thing.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
The rest of your life with someone.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Understanding the dynamic early on is only going to benefit you,
you know.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Because because it will.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
And if you end up spending again the rest of
your life with someone and then you have you know,
you get into deep partnership and then marriage, and then
if there's children, then you want to understand, like you
want to get the operating instructions and you want to
get the roadmap to that dynamic and sort of get
understand what it is about them that makes him feel
like he has to make mom and.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Sister one and two.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Mm hmmm, yeah, yeah, I don't think these things are
so black and white, and I think that, Yeah, I
think you're just it's you get curious, just like you said,
and you have a conversation.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
And also I'm gonna tell you something I don't want
to be anyone who I'm in love with, I do
not want to be their number three.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
No, yes, but I think we have to. That's why
I think you have to get curious, like you said,
and have a conversation because is it really a ranking
of and I love you less? Like or what is
this ranking? Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Like?
Speaker 3 (06:55):
What does this exactly mean to you? And listen? If
you're number three in like the amount of love he's
giving to you, then you can reassess.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Well, yeah, and I guess i'd want to know more
about that too, because maybe if it's it's if it's
in priorities, I want to know that, like if I'm
a third, like if mom and sister needs you, then yeah,
and I need you? Will I be third in line
to get what I need? Because that's the point that
I want to be with someone who I'm first.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Yeah, I think that's you start the conversation of what
the sale all means? Okay, Marcy wrote, Hi, ladies, love
the podcast so far. I know. In one of the
earlier episodes, Jessica Mens mentioned she used to be a
people pleaser. If you're comfortable, could you share how you
were able to stop being a people pleaser, and do
(07:41):
both of you have any advice on how to stop
being a people pleaser. I'm a big time people pleaser
to the point where I'm not putting myself first when
I need to, especially now that I'm a mom and
have trouble setting boundaries with people regarding what's best for
my baby. So I don't want my people pleasing affecting
(08:02):
my baby girl now too.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Please help, Oh, I get that. Yes, I have said that.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I the way that I was put together was pretty
people pleasery and skewed tho way for so many different reasons,
which and the the reason I bring that up is
because I think it's really important to get to the
root of things sometimes to understand why something is before
you figure out how to either dismantle it or change it.
So I think that that was really important to me. Like,
why am I a people pleaser? Well, I mean, I
(08:31):
can tell you all the reasons I was people pleaser,
and some of them were sort of random and some
of them were very specific, but typically oldest.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Daughters and families or people pleasers.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Again, I had two single parents. I was going back
and forth between households, so I sort of always had
to make things okay. So anyways, you get my point,
there's a route to people pleasing and then then you're
a grown up and you're like, oh my gosh, I
put everyone first and I'm making sure that everybody is
okay before I make sure that I'm okay. And I
don't know if there's a percentage that that works for forever,
(09:11):
but my guess would be that that is a personality
trait or type that gets to the point where at
some point or another you're in a near exhaustion and
just not be able to handle it all.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
So if that happens to you, and when that happened
to me, again, I love therapy.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I got really interested in why I was the way
that I am, or why I was the way that
I was, So what is it about my development that
created this condition on some level or this personality? And
then when I was able to do that, I was
really able to understand how to interrupt the cycle.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
And a lot of instances it was.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
Just to have it.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
I would default to. You know, someone didn't even have
to ask me to do it, and I would volunteer
it so I couldn't even be upset with the person.
For you know, putting it on me or asking me
to people please. I was like, I just went ahead
and threw myself out there on my own.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
I have a question, were you people pleasing to the
point of exhaustion? Sometimes that's well.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
When I got to exhaustion is when I started really
looking at it. M yeah, just like what is going on?
Because this is because it would you know why, because
it no longer became sustainable. I remember there being a
very clear moment of my life again with I remember
there being a very clear moment of my life with
four children where my whole entire life I had been
able to operate without a calendar. I didn't have to
(10:44):
put things on a Google cal I didn't have to
write everything down. I could just remember everything that I
had to do, and it was completely seamless, and I
remembered it all and I knew where everyone had to
be blah blah blah. And then there came a time
where it was overwhelming and I was disappointing people because
I wasn't showing up on time, where I'd forgot that
this thing was there or whatever, and it was very
much time for me to get a Google calendar, and
it changed my life and so now everything goes into
(11:06):
my paper planner or my Google calend sometimes both. And
it was sort of that moment like I needed to
a lot of times when you yourself a crisis moment
of being being like, I'm setting myself on fire to
keep everybody else warm, and I don't want to do
that anymore because it's not sustainable and it's not good
for me, and it's not good for them. So even
if they were benefiting from my people pleasing, it actually
(11:28):
wasn't good for them because it wasn't good for me.
And if you're in a real relationship that it can't
be good for one person and not good for the other.
So then I looked at what I was doing or sorry,
then I looked at how again how it was sort
of created, and then not understanding how it was created,
I looked at the habits that I had or the
ways in which I did it without even knowing I
was doing it, and I just became really aware and
(11:49):
I said.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
To myself and to others that I was working on it.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
And then it was sort of piece by piece, and
I think that there's I think that I mean, correct
me if I'm wrong, because you're my friend and we're
in relationship right. There have been other times where things
like this have happened. I always find it kind of
charming when I have a friend who's working on something
or identify something that they are that they're doing, and
they come to me and say.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
There's this thing I do. And sometimes it affects me.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Like I say yes to everything that you know you
want to do before I even think about it. And
the truth is, like we do more things that you
want to do than things that I want to do.
And I think there's something kind of charming about being
vulnerable about that and like naming it and then letting
the person that clearly cares about you say, oh my gosh,
you are and then almost you could enlist them to
(12:38):
help you, Like, hey, when you see me doing that thing,
when you see me trying to do it all, can
you please tell me to slow my role?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Can you tell me to like put down the.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Baby, put down the thing down, and just like see
if there's some way that you can help me out
in that moment, Like I need to just sort of
like write my ship.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
I think this is I think this is such. I've
just been listening this whole time. I think this is
such incredible advice because I think that you can't fix
anything until you get to the root of it. Is
what you're saying, So why are you people pleasing? Where
does that come from? And then I agree, telling people
around you, like, hey, I have this thing I'm working
on and enlisting them is really helpful because then you
(13:18):
feel like you're not disappointing people and that they're part
of this process with you. And you have a little one,
and so a lot of your energy goes into not
people pleasing your kid, but like so much you give
already so much of yourself to your children, so you've
got to like leave something for yourself. And I think
(13:40):
that if you're overly people pleasing all the time, you're
giving away pieces of yourself, right, like you said, So,
I think this is incredible advice, all of that, all
of it.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Well, I think there's the other thing because she mentions
being a mom in the trouble setting boundaries, And I'm
making this up in my mind because this is something
I went through. But a lot of times, you know,
generational things will change or shift and things won't be good.
There's a million if you want some real entertainment. There's
a million different very hilarious like videos where you know,
a millennial daughter will be with her boomer mom and
(14:12):
the millennial mom will be telling the boomer mom like
what she can and can't do with her baby, and
it's all hilarious and oh, yes, you're just talking about
But a lot of times when you're figuring out how
you want your baby's life to be, right, like when
you want them to eat, or how you want them
to dress, or just all of it, you I get it.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
You could be people pleased to read with people you love.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And you can just go along with what they want
or what they say, but you might have stronger opinions.
And again I think that just say it, Just say
like listen, I'm trying to do my best and I heard,
you know, I heard nonstick skillets aren't great, and I
know that that's all we have at home, but like,
could you know, could you could you help me out here?
Like could you look at this and like see if
you think the science is interesting or you think that
(14:54):
this is I don't know, compelling on some level, because
I think the invitation to be in hoots with you
is always one that is usually looked up one favorably agreed.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
I love that I was at answer love that all right?
Read that we have one more.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Okay, Kayla, Kayla, Hi, Jessica and Camilla. I'm writing to
you from Finland. I moved here last year from South Africa.
I know, a big, big move. My questions relate to
moving and building community and new places. How would you
both advise to keep up relationships with people far away
and to cope with missing family and friends.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Another question I have.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Is how would you guys approach building a new community
in a new culture, and in my case there is
a new language as well and crazy weather.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
That's a big question.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Kayla, you're in it well.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
First off, what I would do because I've moved continents
and been away from family and friends, so this is
my jam. I've done this many times. I think it's
always good if you can afford right and take the
time off. I think it's always good to plan a
trip so that when you're having that missing moment, you
know that at this time that you have something to
(16:06):
look forward to when you're all going to be together.
And this sounds ridiculous, but during COVID I could not
see my family. I didn't see them for almost I
want to say a year and a half two years.
We made quiz nights on FaceTime with my family, and
so one of us would be in charge of like
a quiz night, and we would write down questions and
we would all get on FaceTime and we would literally
(16:30):
do these little quizzes together and it was really fun.
We had a family like game night basically, and it
was fun for all of us to get together. And
it was just such a simple thing. But it made
me kind of feel like I had hung out with
my family. I'd pour a glass of wine, we'd laugh,
we'd go through all these questions, and then we'd say bye.
But God bless technology. Now, I think there's ways to
(16:51):
make your family feel like they're close to you, your
friends feel like they're close to you. Put in the
effort make those calls. I've had times when I've zoomed
with girlfriends FaceTime with girlfriends, I've been like, do you
want a wine night? And I'm literally pouring a wine
and starting a movie with them the same time. We
learned all these things during COVID. I feel like too
with friends also, But I think try and make a
(17:13):
trip if you can, and in the meantime use technology
to your advantage and get creative about how to maintain
these relationships and make it feel cute with your family
and your friends.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's that's all incredibly good advice.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
And by the way, you know, going back to our
origin story, Camila and I used to see each other
at least every week because we'd see each other at work.
And then I moved and there is a little bit
of a speedbump, right, there's a new habit to learn,
which is calling each other. Well, we had to deal
with the time zone, which, even though three hours doesn't
seem like a big deal, you know, the end of
nearing the end of my day is she's squarely in
(17:50):
the middle of hers.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
But you just sort of persist.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So the people that mean the most to you you
will actually never lose the inclination to call.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And it's so great because they're outside of your.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
System and you can check in with them about, you know,
funny and curious things to you. I think new community
in a new culture and new language.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
I would say, for me, your first most important situation
is the language.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
But go for that first because that will be, you know,
the beginning of everything with everyone else and for everything else.
So I would say, if I was prioritizing, I would
get some real familiarity with the language. If you're anything
like me, I love learning it and I can be
great on the dual lingo or reading it or writing it.
But then when I'm actually in conversation, I totally freeze
(18:39):
and I get self conscious and I'm unsure. Camilla has
been with me in France a couple times, so she
knows what this is like. That being said, just lean
into it and again, and everyone's going to find it
so charming that you're trying, and that's all that really matters.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
And I don't know what your.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Situation is, but I would say, you know, if you're working,
then I would just if there's work, friend to be
had or made, if there's oh, she's gonna say it again,
a gym to join, yeah, a class.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
I do have to say this. I can say this.
When I moved to Los Angeles, I realized very soon
that if I wanted to deep dive into the Brits
here in Los Angeles there was very much a community
of like getting together as Brits and you know, like
that expat kind of like group, like meet at the
(19:28):
pub together. We all move from England. I'm sure there
is a version of that in any country wherever you're from,
where you can literally google and find people from wherever
you are, wherever you move from, and if you're sort
of missing your own community, right and you can get together.
And it was nice because I did meet people that way,
(19:49):
and so when you know, the UK, when England was
playing in the World Cup, we'd all get together at
the pub and watch together.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
Have a pint, have a pint, hey cheery out, Not really,
but that's fun when I'm back in nineteen fifty a, yeah,
I have yeah, have cup to day.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
But there's always community, right, like even your own community
if you're missing it. So I think that that is
also a way to set roots down, fun and find
some people that are in a similar situation to you.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, oh and you're the last piece, which was the
crazy weather. So I remember my first year here, I
just looked around at everybody at all their gear.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Like how do you know when to where?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Because there were so many times that I wore the
wrong thing and didn't have I ended up with the
with the loafers that will look like tiny swimming pools.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
You know where. I just didn't have the right thing.
So again, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think that there's always just something you said for
asking a lot of questions. I mean, don't be annoying,
but ask a lot of questions.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
Also, just I think moving is so exciting. I do too,
and I always say this to everybody. Always go home, Yes,
home as always there. You can always go home. I'm
a little.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Jealous of the newness though.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
It's such a fantastic moment. My gosh, it's so exciting.
Possibilities are endless.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Okay, call it crew, Thank you so much for writing in.
We will continue, obviously to always do a fan Q
and A, and in fact, if you want to make
one Gray's Anatomy themed, we'll be doing that again soon.
So write a same with your personal questions or questions
about the show and our characters, and we will make
sure to answer them all.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
You want to call it, let's call it the end
of the
Call It What It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille Luddington,
an iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Well, Hello, Hello, hello.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
And welcome to another episode of Call It Short and Sweet.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
What's Up?
Speaker 3 (00:27):
What's Up? Today? We have dedicated the episode to a
fan Q and A. The Call It crew have always
always give us the best material, and so why not
dedicate an episode two questions that you have that Jessica
and I can dive right into.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
This is where we also remind you that we are
unlicensed to advise. Nothing gives us any sort of special
reason why we should be able to answer your questions.
But at this point, if you've written in, then there
must be something that you feel like you get from us,
and so.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
We're here to give it. Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
All right, We're going to.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Start with Sydney, who wrote in and said, Hi, Camilla
and Jessica, my boyfriend and I are planning on getting
engaged within six months to a year. I am so excited.
He is the man of my dreams and I truly
think we pair together so well. But we had a
conversation the other night and he told me that I
was his third favorite person in the world, behind his
mom and sister. I love both of them so much,
(01:22):
so I'm glad that they're going to be part of
my future family. But I am struggling with the thought
of being third. I always told myself I would be
in a relationship and a marriage where we put each
other first and pick each other every day, and I
feel like that ninety percent of the time with his actions,
but him saying that has been stuck.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
In my head for weeks.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Now Do I wait it out until closer to an
engagement to say anything, or is it something I bring
up now? Or am I out of line for wanting
to be number one? Thank you guys so much for
your advice and for being so open and honest in
these podcasts.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
I'll tell you the thing has stuck out to me, actually,
was she feels like ninety percent of the time his
actions show that she's first, right, and this comment is
throwing her a little. I personally would want a little
maybe clarification. It's hard. That's family, that's who he's grown
up with. Of course he loves those women in his life, right.
(02:12):
I think there's a natural situation.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Are you wondering if ninety percents enough?
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I'm assuming that her ninety percent. Is I feel like
that ninety percent the time with its actions, But him
saying that has stuck in my head for weeks now.
I think the ten percent is the comment.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
So ten percent of the time she feels like she's third,
you think so so specific by the way, I think
I was sort of more excrecting, like I'm second behind mom,
but mom and sister, I.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Think is I know, the sister part's really a little
bit strange. I mean, I love my siblings, but you know,
come on, come on now, if you're going to get engaged.
But my point is as a relationship progresses, I think,
you know, if you get married and then you're having children,
the mother of your children and your wife should be
(03:00):
number one. That's how it should be for sure. So
I'm wondering if this will just be a natural rearrangement
of this order. But it's bizarre he even said it
in the first place.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah, I kind of feel like that's one of those
things where if I were, if I were a friend
of his, I'd be like, you can tuck that in,
tuck it in there. You don't need to say that,
Like you don't need to be that explicit because I mean,
you know, it's funny because I talk about this a lot,
but I grew up. You know, my mom was single
for a big part of my younger years, and it was,
(03:33):
you know, very much a lot of being like she
and I against the world. And when you have one
parent that's everything to you.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
For sure. There's a sort of very.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Strong bond there that I think is not only lovely
but necessary, right and great. That being said, is you
mature as you get older, whereas I might have in
my younger years been like I can't even imagine loving
so one as much as I love my mom.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
You do.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
You end up falling in love with your person, and
then you do love them more than anyone, and they
become your number one. And I mean, listen, also, a
little bit like someone asking someone to like rank their
beloved is a little bit like, I don't think we
need to do that. But in the in the mom category,
she was my number one, and in my partner category,
(04:27):
Christopher was my number one. So it's like, I think
that you got to just be a little bit Maybe
I don't know, I think that the literal part of it,
it could get a little sticky, So I don't know,
that you need to like wait to get engaged to
bring up something that's bothering you. I think that if
you have something that is you're bumping on and you're
(04:48):
thinking about spending in the rest of your life with someone,
I think that you you say, like, hey, not a
big deal, but I'm a little bit bumping on this.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I don't think it's breakup worthy.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
No, but I would be like, tell tell me more,
like mom and sister, I think. And I'd also think
I maybe would be playful about it.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Yeah, I think so too, I I and I I. Yeah,
I would want him to explain a little bit more
because maybe there's also a misunderstanding of what that really
means to him.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Yeah, And you never know someone's you never know what
someone's going through, And there might be something where, you know,
he feels like he has to be there for his
mother and sister, you know, through thick and kat and
for the rest of their lives. Right, might be like
a protector thing might be like a that's a stupid
thing to say, but I mean like not like protector thing,
but like it might be a might be a dynamic
that was created in their home life where it was
(05:38):
you know he's always going to be the one that's,
you know, fronting up for them or.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Who knows because he doesn't say he doesn't say his dad.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
No, he doesn't say his dad. Yeah, what's the dynamic there?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
I'd get curious, And when I think, I'd ask about
the dynamic because I also think that understood you're thinking
about the thing.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
The rest of your life with someone.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Understanding the dynamic early on is only going to benefit you,
you know.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Because because it will.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
And if you end up spending again the rest of
your life with someone and then you have you know,
you get into deep partnership and then marriage, and then
if there's children, then you want to understand, like you
want to get the operating instructions and you want to
get the roadmap to that dynamic and sort of get
understand what it is about them that makes him feel
like he has to make mom and.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Sister one and two.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Mm hmmm, yeah, yeah, I don't think these things are
so black and white, and I think that, Yeah, I
think you're just it's you get curious, just like you said,
and you have a conversation.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
And also I'm gonna tell you something I don't want
to be anyone who I'm in love with, I do
not want to be their number three.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
No, yes, but I think we have to. That's why
I think you have to get curious, like you said,
and have a conversation because is it really a ranking
of and I love you less? Like or what is
this ranking? Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Like?
Speaker 3 (06:55):
What does this exactly mean to you? And listen? If
you're number three in like the amount of love he's
giving to you, then you can reassess.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Well, yeah, and I guess i'd want to know more
about that too, because maybe if it's it's if it's
in priorities, I want to know that, like if I'm
a third, like if mom and sister needs you, then yeah,
and I need you? Will I be third in line
to get what I need? Because that's the point that
I want to be with someone who I'm first.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Yeah, I think that's you start the conversation of what
the sale all means? Okay, Marcy wrote, Hi, ladies, love
the podcast so far. I know. In one of the
earlier episodes, Jessica Mens mentioned she used to be a
people pleaser. If you're comfortable, could you share how you
were able to stop being a people pleaser, and do
(07:41):
both of you have any advice on how to stop
being a people pleaser. I'm a big time people pleaser
to the point where I'm not putting myself first when
I need to, especially now that I'm a mom and
have trouble setting boundaries with people regarding what's best for
my baby. So I don't want my people pleasing affecting
(08:02):
my baby girl now too.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Please help, Oh, I get that. Yes, I have said that.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I the way that I was put together was pretty
people pleasery and skewed tho way for so many different reasons,
which and the the reason I bring that up is
because I think it's really important to get to the
root of things sometimes to understand why something is before
you figure out how to either dismantle it or change it.
So I think that that was really important to me. Like,
why am I a people pleaser? Well, I mean, I
(08:31):
can tell you all the reasons I was people pleaser,
and some of them were sort of random and some
of them were very specific, but typically oldest.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Daughters and families or people pleasers.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Again, I had two single parents. I was going back
and forth between households, so I sort of always had
to make things okay. So anyways, you get my point,
there's a route to people pleasing and then then you're
a grown up and you're like, oh my gosh, I
put everyone first and I'm making sure that everybody is
okay before I make sure that I'm okay. And I
don't know if there's a percentage that that works for forever,
(09:11):
but my guess would be that that is a personality
trait or type that gets to the point where at
some point or another you're in a near exhaustion and
just not be able to handle it all.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
So if that happens to you, and when that happened
to me, again, I love therapy.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I got really interested in why I was the way
that I am, or why I was the way that
I was, So what is it about my development that
created this condition on some level or this personality? And
then when I was able to do that, I was
really able to understand how to interrupt the cycle.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
And a lot of instances it was.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
Just to have it.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
I would default to. You know, someone didn't even have
to ask me to do it, and I would volunteer
it so I couldn't even be upset with the person.
For you know, putting it on me or asking me
to people please. I was like, I just went ahead
and threw myself out there on my own.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
I have a question, were you people pleasing to the
point of exhaustion? Sometimes that's well.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
When I got to exhaustion is when I started really
looking at it. M yeah, just like what is going on?
Because this is because it would you know why, because
it no longer became sustainable. I remember there being a
very clear moment of my life again with I remember
there being a very clear moment of my life with
four children where my whole entire life I had been
able to operate without a calendar. I didn't have to
(10:44):
put things on a Google cal I didn't have to
write everything down. I could just remember everything that I
had to do, and it was completely seamless, and I
remembered it all and I knew where everyone had to
be blah blah blah. And then there came a time
where it was overwhelming and I was disappointing people because
I wasn't showing up on time, where I'd forgot that
this thing was there or whatever, and it was very
much time for me to get a Google calendar, and
it changed my life and so now everything goes into
(11:06):
my paper planner or my Google calend sometimes both. And
it was sort of that moment like I needed to
a lot of times when you yourself a crisis moment
of being being like, I'm setting myself on fire to
keep everybody else warm, and I don't want to do
that anymore because it's not sustainable and it's not good
for me, and it's not good for them. So even
if they were benefiting from my people pleasing, it actually
(11:28):
wasn't good for them because it wasn't good for me.
And if you're in a real relationship that it can't
be good for one person and not good for the other.
So then I looked at what I was doing or sorry,
then I looked at how again how it was sort
of created, and then not understanding how it was created,
I looked at the habits that I had or the
ways in which I did it without even knowing I
was doing it, and I just became really aware and
(11:49):
I said.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
To myself and to others that I was working on it.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
And then it was sort of piece by piece, and
I think that there's I think that I mean, correct
me if I'm wrong, because you're my friend and we're
in relationship right. There have been other times where things
like this have happened. I always find it kind of
charming when I have a friend who's working on something
or identify something that they are that they're doing, and
they come to me and say.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
There's this thing I do. And sometimes it affects me.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Like I say yes to everything that you know you
want to do before I even think about it. And
the truth is, like we do more things that you
want to do than things that I want to do.
And I think there's something kind of charming about being
vulnerable about that and like naming it and then letting
the person that clearly cares about you say, oh my gosh,
you are and then almost you could enlist them to
(12:38):
help you, Like, hey, when you see me doing that thing,
when you see me trying to do it all, can
you please tell me to slow my role?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Can you tell me to like put down the.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Baby, put down the thing down, and just like see
if there's some way that you can help me out
in that moment, Like I need to just sort of
like write my ship.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
I think this is I think this is such. I've
just been listening this whole time. I think this is
such incredible advice because I think that you can't fix
anything until you get to the root of it. Is
what you're saying, So why are you people pleasing? Where
does that come from? And then I agree, telling people
around you, like, hey, I have this thing I'm working
on and enlisting them is really helpful because then you
(13:18):
feel like you're not disappointing people and that they're part
of this process with you. And you have a little one,
and so a lot of your energy goes into not
people pleasing your kid, but like so much you give
already so much of yourself to your children, so you've
got to like leave something for yourself. And I think
(13:40):
that if you're overly people pleasing all the time, you're
giving away pieces of yourself, right, like you said, So,
I think this is incredible advice, all of that, all
of it.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Well, I think there's the other thing because she mentions
being a mom in the trouble setting boundaries, And I'm
making this up in my mind because this is something
I went through. But a lot of times, you know,
generational things will change or shift and things won't be good.
There's a million if you want some real entertainment. There's
a million different very hilarious like videos where you know,
a millennial daughter will be with her boomer mom and
(14:12):
the millennial mom will be telling the boomer mom like
what she can and can't do with her baby, and
it's all hilarious and oh, yes, you're just talking about
But a lot of times when you're figuring out how
you want your baby's life to be, right, like when
you want them to eat, or how you want them
to dress, or just all of it, you I get it.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
You could be people pleased to read with people you love.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And you can just go along with what they want
or what they say, but you might have stronger opinions.
And again I think that just say it, Just say
like listen, I'm trying to do my best and I heard,
you know, I heard nonstick skillets aren't great, and I
know that that's all we have at home, but like,
could you know, could you could you help me out here?
Like could you look at this and like see if
you think the science is interesting or you think that
(14:54):
this is I don't know, compelling on some level, because
I think the invitation to be in hoots with you
is always one that is usually looked up one favorably agreed.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
I love that I was at answer love that all right?
Read that we have one more.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Okay, Kayla, Kayla, Hi, Jessica and Camilla. I'm writing to
you from Finland. I moved here last year from South Africa.
I know, a big, big move. My questions relate to
moving and building community and new places. How would you
both advise to keep up relationships with people far away
and to cope with missing family and friends.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Another question I have.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Is how would you guys approach building a new community
in a new culture, and in my case there is
a new language as well and crazy weather.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
That's a big question.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Kayla, you're in it well.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
First off, what I would do because I've moved continents
and been away from family and friends, so this is
my jam. I've done this many times. I think it's
always good if you can afford right and take the
time off. I think it's always good to plan a
trip so that when you're having that missing moment, you
know that at this time that you have something to
(16:06):
look forward to when you're all going to be together.
And this sounds ridiculous, but during COVID I could not
see my family. I didn't see them for almost I
want to say a year and a half two years.
We made quiz nights on FaceTime with my family, and
so one of us would be in charge of like
a quiz night, and we would write down questions and
we would all get on FaceTime and we would literally
(16:30):
do these little quizzes together and it was really fun.
We had a family like game night basically, and it
was fun for all of us to get together. And
it was just such a simple thing. But it made
me kind of feel like I had hung out with
my family. I'd pour a glass of wine, we'd laugh,
we'd go through all these questions, and then we'd say bye.
But God bless technology. Now, I think there's ways to
(16:51):
make your family feel like they're close to you, your
friends feel like they're close to you. Put in the
effort make those calls. I've had times when I've zoomed
with girlfriends FaceTime with girlfriends, I've been like, do you
want a wine night? And I'm literally pouring a wine
and starting a movie with them the same time. We
learned all these things during COVID. I feel like too
with friends also, But I think try and make a
(17:13):
trip if you can, and in the meantime use technology
to your advantage and get creative about how to maintain
these relationships and make it feel cute with your family
and your friends.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's that's all incredibly good advice.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
And by the way, you know, going back to our
origin story, Camila and I used to see each other
at least every week because we'd see each other at work.
And then I moved and there is a little bit
of a speedbump, right, there's a new habit to learn,
which is calling each other. Well, we had to deal
with the time zone, which, even though three hours doesn't
seem like a big deal, you know, the end of
nearing the end of my day is she's squarely in
(17:50):
the middle of hers.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
But you just sort of persist.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So the people that mean the most to you you
will actually never lose the inclination to call.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
And it's so great because they're outside of your.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
System and you can check in with them about, you know,
funny and curious things to you. I think new community
in a new culture and new language.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
I would say, for me, your first most important situation
is the language.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
But go for that first because that will be, you know,
the beginning of everything with everyone else and for everything else.
So I would say, if I was prioritizing, I would
get some real familiarity with the language. If you're anything
like me, I love learning it and I can be
great on the dual lingo or reading it or writing it.
But then when I'm actually in conversation, I totally freeze
(18:39):
and I get self conscious and I'm unsure. Camilla has
been with me in France a couple times, so she
knows what this is like. That being said, just lean
into it and again, and everyone's going to find it
so charming that you're trying, and that's all that really matters.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
And I don't know what your.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Situation is, but I would say, you know, if you're working,
then I would just if there's work, friend to be
had or made, if there's oh, she's gonna say it again,
a gym to join, yeah, a class.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
I do have to say this. I can say this.
When I moved to Los Angeles, I realized very soon
that if I wanted to deep dive into the Brits
here in Los Angeles there was very much a community
of like getting together as Brits and you know, like
that expat kind of like group, like meet at the
(19:28):
pub together. We all move from England. I'm sure there
is a version of that in any country wherever you're from,
where you can literally google and find people from wherever
you are, wherever you move from, and if you're sort
of missing your own community, right and you can get together.
And it was nice because I did meet people that way,
(19:49):
and so when you know, the UK, when England was
playing in the World Cup, we'd all get together at
the pub and watch together.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
Have a pint, have a pint, hey cheery out, Not really,
but that's fun when I'm back in nineteen fifty a, yeah,
I have yeah, have cup to day.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
But there's always community, right, like even your own community
if you're missing it. So I think that that is
also a way to set roots down, fun and find
some people that are in a similar situation to you.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, oh and you're the last piece, which was the
crazy weather. So I remember my first year here, I
just looked around at everybody at all their gear.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Like how do you know when to where?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Because there were so many times that I wore the
wrong thing and didn't have I ended up with the
with the loafers that will look like tiny swimming pools.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
You know where. I just didn't have the right thing.
So again, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think that there's always just something you said for
asking a lot of questions. I mean, don't be annoying,
but ask a lot of questions.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
Also, just I think moving is so exciting. I do too,
and I always say this to everybody. Always go home, Yes,
home as always there. You can always go home. I'm
a little.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Jealous of the newness though.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
It's such a fantastic moment. My gosh, it's so exciting.
Possibilities are endless.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Okay, call it crew, Thank you so much for writing in.
We will continue, obviously to always do a fan Q
and A, and in fact, if you want to make
one Gray's Anatomy themed, we'll be doing that again soon.
So write a same with your personal questions or questions
about the show and our characters, and we will make
sure to answer them all.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
You want to call it, let's call it the end
of the
Hosts And Creators
Jessica Capshaw
Camilla Luddington
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