February 29, 2024 • 31 mins
We won’t Calm Down because the hilarious comedian and podcaster Bert Kreischer is joining us on Calm Down with Erin and Charissa. First (after some technical difficulties) Erin and Bert realize they grew up next to one another and take a trip down Florida-memory lane. They talk to Bert about getting voted the “number 1 party animal at the number 1 party school in the country” by Rolling Stone, getting started in comedy and falling in love. No seriously, the guy really wanted to fall in love!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My dad just very flatly said, buddy, you don't have
what they have. When they do it, it's effortless, like
they don't have to try, and they're just amazing. He said,
you're always gonna have to work extra hard to get
as good as them. He's like, key to life is
finding the thing like they have for baseball. Find your thing,
Find your thing, and that'll be And the first time
I did stand up is before cell phones. I went
(00:20):
back to my apartment in Indian Village and I called
my dad and I said, I think I found my thing.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
We are as informal as it comes, because well, calm
the fuck down, you know what I mean. So this
man introduces himself on his own website as stand up
podcast host machine. He needs no introduction because he's absolutely everywhere.
Burt Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
I just lost them.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Uh oh, and you said you're we're at the tip
of the iceberg. We're not going anywhere. I mean with
Wi Fi like that bird shit you are do WiFi
cut out? That's okay, So Will we have a successful show.
If our Wi Fi cuts out, I'm asking for a
great question, my best friend. How are we both from
(01:22):
the same area? You know this right?
Speaker 4 (01:25):
No? I did not wait. Where are you from?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I was so I moved to Brandon.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
No, you realize Brandon is the Hoboken of Tampa.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
You realize I went to Bloomingdale where you did not.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Go to Bloomingdale. Yes, no, one good comes out of Bloomingdale.
You did not go to Bloomingdale. You didn't wait, No way.
You know we used to play you guys in baseball.
I just we won, right, I No, blooming is back.
Back in ninety eighty nine, ninety ninety one, they had
this dude named Cherry something. But it always always thought
(01:59):
his name is Terry Violence like the Outsiders. But it
wasn't Cherry. It was like Buck Cherry or something. Real redneck,
real redneck, overweight.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Cherry wasn't a musician. Bert, I'm in the middle of
fucking nowhere. Is my WiFi back?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Is it good? Now?
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (02:12):
Well, that's like being part of brand in Florida. We'll
do this intro again because we're professionals.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Are you ready?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
And Bert is worthy of not only doing the intro
once but twice on your website you say stand up,
podcast host and machine. You are everywhere doing all the
things Bert Kreischer, Ladies and gentlemen, as.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
He what are we eating?
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Is that Bailey jew I'm putting a zin in Guys,
Come on.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Yeah, I just listened to all about this with your
podcast with Julian.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
Yeah, Julian's Julian Edelman's he still dips. Danny M. Mondola
introduced Julian Edelman into Dip.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Danny A. Mondola might be the canary in the mind
for everything. That guy was the reason that we watched
Hard Knocks. He's the reason Julian Edelman dips. He's the
reason Gronk like there's he was like a little firestarter
for a bunch of things.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
We'll call him doura F. He's also the reason why
Greg Olsen didn't get the Men's Health cover, because apparently
Greg Olsen tells a great story about how he was
like there was an opportunity. He didn't win this super
Bowl yet lost it, but he's like, there's an opportunity
for me to be on the cover of Men's Health.
And every time he tells the story, he's like it
gets fa it gets better, and so he's like, so
I'm just like working out hard and I am like
(03:21):
shredded and I look great. And it's like I even
saw the photos and I was like, honey, how hot
am I? Men's health comes out, he gets like a
little picture inside Danny Amandola got the cover.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Can I tell you what Greg Olsen's story? Sidebar please?
So love.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
We're at super Bowl, me and Tom's girl. We're launching
our bod Kaporo. So so we're rolling around and we're
kind of just steamrolling shows. Rich Eisen's, we bum rush
grondk and Edelman.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
I mean, we're just having fun. Uh.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Sidebar, big apologies to Pat McAfee. We definitely bum rush
his show in the middle of an interview with c. J.
Stroud and it was it was not cool and we
should have We should have We know fat for a
long time. We should have checked first. We had to
send apologies. Here's the other thing. So randomly we see
Cam Newton. Cam Newton loses his mind, recognizes me were
doing an interview with him. Greg Olsen shows up and
(04:12):
Tom and I proceed to tell Greg Olsen a story
of when we went to a Dominatrix gimpt together. Greg
Olsen barreled through that and he was like, no, we're
not telling that story. I do not want to hear it. No, no, no,
and Tom and I keep telling you no, and then
she tethered us, and he's like, nope, keep going nope,
I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
But so Greg Olsen never got to hear our great
story of us seeing a dominatrix gimp for our two.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Ways you had me at Dominate Trix. We'll just start
and stop right there.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
You are so busy.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
We appreciate you having your shirt on, but also are
excited that tops Off World Tour is happening.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
You're back on the road March seventh.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Yeah, I mean Grand Rapids, then Toronto, then then on
Ottawa and and some of the in Canada. Right now,
we're cleaning out my bus. We're cleaning out all the
drugs from my bus.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
There you go, Dare, what would heavy sweep? Well, you
know what.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
We're happy that you're keeping things clean, but how often
are you actually home?
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Very seldomly, I uh like, like comically and personally tragically seldom.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Mentally I'm not here right now, don't talk to me.
I'm not here.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I'm not at home right now. By the way, I
take naps in my bus.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
My bus is a mile and a half from my house,
and I drive to my bus to take you.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
I don't even like my house. My house has.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Nowhere comfortable to You're crazy.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Your bus, by the way, is like the Madden Madden
two point zero to bus.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
It's incredible.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
My daughter designed it. Uh yeah, Well, I knew I
wanted a bus. I knew I wanted what I wanted
because I live in my tour bus. I really live
in it. All joking aside, I'm probably home maybe Monday Tuesday,
and then leave Wednesday night if that.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Sometimes with do and two bears.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Well, I'll stay on the road usually two weeks straight
and go to Austin for a week for like Tuesday
Wednesday and then and then I'm home like maybe four
days a month roughly. And so I live in my bus.
I know, well, listen, make hey while the sun shines.
I didn't have a career when I was twenty three.
I had to wait until I was forty four, so
I got to make all the money I can, and
so I knew what I wanted in my bus.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
I wanted my I love. I don't like the rear
bedroom I like.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I liked sleeping in the bunks, but I wanted a
bigger bed, so I cleaned out the second rack of bunks.
Speaker 4 (06:26):
Put a bed there. No one does this. I put
a bed there.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
I put my bathroom in the way back, became myself
a full bathroom, which I like living on a bus.
I don't like getting off the bus. I don't like hotels.
I don't like any of that.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
And I love hotels. But I'm a big snob that
I was going to ask you that. But you have
your bathroom in the back. Okay, talk about your bathroom.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Go on subway tiles in the shower, big, full sized power.
My daughter designed it all all my power colors blue
and dark maroons. And we put the closet in front
of the engine so it muffles the sound. Because what
happens when you live on a bus is you do
the arena. Bus cralls around two in the morning. Everyone
has drinks, smokes, we whatever have a scar and then
everyone gets in the bus and takes off. Well, when
(07:03):
your bug is in the way back, they start the
bus up at two in the morning and it wakes
you up well with this, with the with all my
my closet in front of the engine, I don't hear
the bus start. I don't feel it take off. I'm
stuck in them. I'm in the back middle of the bus.
So all I feel is a little shimmy as we
drive down the street. It is Gavin Rossdale walked on
my bus and and this. He's a man that lives
(07:24):
on a bus too, and he went, this is genius.
He's like, can I rent this from you? This is
the best setup I've ever I took Jelly Roll on
my bus, Joe Coyl on my bus. I brought every
I brought people who live on buses and they look
at my bus and they're like, man, this and my
daughter put little accents to make it feel.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Like, huh nice, that's so sweet. Yeah, I love this. Okay, wait,
number one thing in your fridge you have to have
on your bus. I was going to say that you
have at home, but you're never at home, So what
does it matter?
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Okay? Exogenous keytones and lement Are we supposed.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
To know what that? I know what element is. I
don't know what that is. I'm a non flavor. I'm
in orange girl too.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
Oh I love. Have you ever gotten the bland one
where it's just salt and.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You're like, yeah, it's great, I have it now, it's great.
Wait tell me what it is. Fill me in. You've
had it.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Lemon tea is a yeah, go ahead, you tell.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Them you've had it. At Yellowstone we have it all there.
It's the little electrolytes packets.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, there's are I
thought it was just something that was like a Florida thing.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Since both of you guys originate from the same area,
so we leave.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
You're from Florida. That is, so that's something I should know.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Yeah, no offense. I was a little I was like,
oh my god, he's going to have all this great
Florida scoop. He's even going to be like we've met before. Okay,
look there, we get it. There's a lot of Florida
jokes out there. We get it. I mean when Florida
ask you where are you from? I always say Tampa.
I know there's a joke.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
You can't say that. You can't say that, I can't
say that. You know, that's like people saying I'm from Hoboke.
I love living in New York and you go, were
in New York. Well, they're like just outside New York
and Hoboken.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
You know that's Hoboken, Damn from Tampa.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
No, you can now because Brandon has grown up. But
when I was a kid, Brandon was not grown up.
Brandon was just to stop just outside Eboor.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
So wait for those of us that don't know the area.
So where did Aaron grow up?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Tell me?
Speaker 3 (09:10):
You know, I want to know your hometown Erin According
to Burt Okay, oh sorry.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Oh no, no, I'll explain. I'm gonna explain. I'm gonna explain.
All I do is all my podcasts to smoke weed
and listen to history podcasts. Brandon was it is where
the term cracker comes from. It's the that is No,
I'm being dead serious. Lord of crackers. Were like they
they smacked.
Speaker 4 (09:29):
The whip on the cattle. They're all cattlemen.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
And so from Brandon was the last bastion Brandon o'calla odessa.
Uh there's there are these last bastions of cattle grazing
land before they started developing them. And now Brandon's developed
and there's a huge mall in Brandon. Brandon's like a
grown up town now, but it was not when I
was a kid. That's where you went and got mushrooms.
Who yeah, because if it rains in Florida, if you
(09:53):
go to the cow patties and in the afternoon, there's.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Uge, yeah. Huge.
Speaker 4 (09:58):
This is before you knew anything microdosing.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
You would just go a cow pastor, hope you weren't
eating poison, and swallow a mushroom. We didn't even have
bottled water to rinse it off. We didn't even have
bottled water then. So you just eat eat it out
of the cow patty and be like, let's hope we
all trip today.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
And then you get on.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
What town are you from?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
It?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
I love you so much I.
Speaker 4 (10:19):
Know you would.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Wait wait, wait, what does that town mean? What is that?
Speaker 3 (10:26):
For those of us that don't know, that's a river,
that's not even a tower, It's a.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
River with alligators and rednecks, and you just get on
a tube, eat mushrooms and float down the It's the
tuckny A river runs through it.
Speaker 5 (10:40):
Okay, okay, where are you from?
Speaker 1 (10:52):
No, I'm not really from Tampa either. I'm from Loots,
just outside in Tampa.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
When we moved to Loots.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
When we moved to Loots, my parents are from the north,
from New York in Philadelphia, and we we drove out
to see the art.
Speaker 4 (11:08):
We bought land.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
My dad bought land and loots to build a house.
And I was ten years old. This is nineteen eighty one,
probably eighty two. Yes, And we as we crossed over
Bears Avenue, the radio station switched from Q one O
four two.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
S's right, Q and O five My life ninety four
point nine. I feel like third on a date right now.
This is amazing, This is this is real Florida deep
cuts hereson Dicks.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
I just, I just I just talked to someone who
worked in Mason Dixon.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
By the way, I listen, no sight to Mason Dixon,
No select Q on five. But this is way before
woke radio. This was where they had the chooky. The
was the bird.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
If you do it, you could win, you could win,
like tickets to go see Rush.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Or the bucks. Wasn't that on like Fridays to this.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Day when I'm at work at my office, I have
like a bunch of women at work. I will say Friday, Friday, Friday.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Why was that on weekend?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
For the weekend. Everybody wants a new romance? Yeah, what was.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
The big am talk radio show? I interned with Chris
Thomas at w fl A Channel eight. Remember on Friday
nights he wore the big so borrow when he did
his broadcast. I don't know if you know, because my
dad worked for w FLA. But what was the AM station?
It was sixty nine or something like the Animal.
Speaker 4 (12:35):
What was it it was?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Oh, my dad only listened to the AM And by
the way, Ted uh he went to Jesuit, the guy
who he was.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Just the hot boys went Jesuit. I never dated a
Jesuit boy. Oh, I like, I won't say what I liked,
but yeah, I never I never know.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
I want to go, who did you know?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I feel like, well, I grab you guys dated. It
feels like you have a lot of a lot of things.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
League.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Our big hangout was Regency Center, for like, do you
know the Regency Center?
Speaker 4 (13:11):
No? But it just wreaks from a Brandon hangout.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
It does so bad. Everybody wonders why I was the
biggest square in the world because I lived in Brandon.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
I got to do a deep dive on you can someone,
please please don't do a do a biography so that
I can find out you're younger, because now you got
to understand she is you are absolutely beautiful.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
You are you are, you are, you are, you are,
you are no, but you are.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
What would you say like a Sunday morning beautiful when
you when when we see you on for football, your
Sunday morning beautiful.
Speaker 4 (13:44):
You look gorgeous.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
But there is a redneck inside there that had there
with crimps and and that I'm sure was screaming.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Would never let me get a firm, which really pissed
me off. And I got my haircut down at where
did we get it done? I'm going to text my sister.
It was down in Bloomingdale Square, by Bloomingdale, Floris and
buy the McDonald's. What was it called? But I had
bangs from here to here. It was like the beaver bangs.
It was so bad.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
But anyway, so wait, I want to know. I wanted
to just so I can watch a gator. No, I
was just gonna.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Say, you don't know that. Yeah, but my sister went
to FSU.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Really wait's sister older younger, older, younger younger.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Okay, I gonna know where?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Wait?
Speaker 3 (14:27):
How far I want to understand how far away? Since
you guys all you know everything about each other from
your hometowns, how far is Bert is your hometown from Erin's.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Oh my Loots is probably a good forty minute drive
from Brandon, but Tampa is minute drive. Well, hold on,
we're not talking La thirty minutes. This is clear open
road thirty minutes where you're driving seventy five miles an hour.
You go down to seventy five, get left on five
on I four, and then you start driving out I
four and Brandon's got you got to got like by
(14:56):
Theanona Sassa. You gotta get through. You gotta get through
some real redneck talents to get to Brandon Lake Lakelyn.
And now it's so developed. You got you hityboard. There's
God the Seminal hard rock casinos right there. Yeah, and
there's stuff on the way out. Back then it was
just fairgrounds to the left and then Aaron's house.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Where I performed in an for the Strawberry Festival, and
I performed like whenever the fair was there with my
dance studio. But Bert before like we lose everybody when
we were going down memory lane. I want to tell
you I shared this on the podcast A couple of
weeks ago. My summer job for like three years when
I went to UF Adventure Island, red bathing suit and
(15:38):
all girl, get it down the Tampa Typhoon. Cross your legs,
cross your arms. Thanks for visiting Adventure Island, Bush, But
I hated the hairy backs.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
It was Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Adventure Island was like was next level. Adventure Island was
probably the funnest time I've ever had in my entire life.
At Busch Gardens and Adventure Island were owned by the
same company, and they were both off of Bush where
Bush Beer. Busch Beer own bus Gardens Anheuser Busch and
Adventure Island was like that was I remember when that
(16:10):
opened and I was like, this is gonna.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Get you yah yah And.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
What is that the theme song?
Speaker 4 (16:18):
Oh yeah, yeah it was so it was so cool.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
I went there as an adult because I had a
show on Travel Channel called Bert the Conquer not as fun.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Oh God, you have had such an incredible career and
I know you are self deprecating and saying like, oh,
you're just now famous and you had to like capitalize
like you've been doing this. What did Rolling Stone call
you the best part of your in ninety seven, what
was your your claim to fame?
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Ninety seven voted the number one party animal at the
number one party school in the country.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
How do you get that title? I was my first
year was ninety six at Florida. But how do you
get that title?
Speaker 1 (16:52):
No way, I I was just they were trying Rollstone
was trying to write an article about Florida State. So
they had interviewed a bunch of people that were like
the five top heads of like the all the big organizations,
and each of them had partied with all of them
the night before randomly, and then and two of them
thought that it was a prank call that I was doing,
(17:13):
and so they all ended up giving him my number.
When Eric Henderguard called me, I was in the middle
of a bong hit getting ready to play disc golf,
and he was like, can I come stay with you
for a week? He wanted just a broad stroke of
the school, someone who knew a lot of people. I've
been there six and a half years and so, which was,
by the way, I know, it's not crazy. That was
pretty par for the course in Florida, and so uh
(17:35):
and so and then at the end, Jan Warner was like, this,
we don't have an article about this school, but we
do have one about this kid. Let's just change it
and make about this kid. And then my life was
changed overnight. Overnight.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
I started doing radio interviews and TV interviews and and
and then I said in the article I wanted to
do stand up and they and some radio station in
Tallahause put together a stand up show that night.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
At the at pot Bellies. And that was your first
show show.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I did twenty minutes at the end of the show,
very stream of consciousness, and and it went really well,
and H and I moved to New York started stand up.
Will Smith discovered me six months later, and I had
a TV.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Show Smith did well Smith, Yeah, that's amazing. Holy shit.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Did you always know that you were like Aaron and
I always knew we wanted to work in sports since
we were little because our fathers, like we always just
like grew up watching sports and knew this is what
we wanted to do. Did you always know that you
wanted to do this? Were you naturally always funny, like
you were the class clown? Like, how did you know
that this was going to be like your thing?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
No? I was very I was a very serious athlete
growing up in Tampa. I really all we did was
play baseball. We played in Florida. You play baseball year.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Round, you have to seeing your banners everywhere all over
the cities.
Speaker 4 (18:43):
Absolutely yep, and so I I.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
And then when I got to Florida State. I was
supposed to walk on and play at Florida State. And
the very first day, coach Martin saw a pledge pin
on my shirt and was like, that comes off. We
don't party here. And he told me I could be
a bullpen catcher. And I just walked off field, and uh,
it was like, I'm done sports. It's kind of you know,
there's so many people I probably were that listen to this.
(19:07):
I probably relate to that more than the pro athletes
who listened to this as well. But giving up sports
was like the hardest thing because it had been your life.
It was what I thought I was gonna do. I
thought I was gonna play baseball. The guy I caught
went and played pro he played for the Twins, Brad Radkey,
and I thought, without a doubt I had. It was
very passionate about it, and I said, I think I'm
just going to focus on this partying thing. And uh,
(19:29):
I know, doubt for you crazy, but I noticed a jesuit,
I was funny because it was all boys, Catholic high school,
a lot of Cuban kids, so your sense of humor
had to be that of the older Cuban dads they
grew up, you know with. And so when I got
to Florida State, I noticed very quickly that I was funny.
I remember the one moment when I was really I
(19:51):
realized I have something that and I don't mean this arrogantly,
but I think I can say I'm a pretty big
comic now. But the moment I realized I'm different, quicker funny,
and smarter funny than my friends was. There was homecoming.
My buddy Eddie Fernandez was a homecoming chair and we
had it with Theda.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
And I made it was hot at Florida State. Yeah
that was the hot one. Yeah, okay, Hi.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
Fi DJ, Theda, Katie.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
They were like it was always good, yeah, always good.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, and uh and so uh, I made a joke
in chapter I made a joke and everyone laughed and
then everyone stopped and Eddie's like, all right, stop, I'm
being serious. I got to tell you about homecoming, and
I made another joke and everyone laughed a get harder,
and the president of the fraternity said, that's it. No
more jokes. Okay, We've got to get through this. I
(20:44):
don't really hear one more joke about Theda or homecoming
at all. Do you understand that? One more joke and
you're out of here? And it was quiet, and I said,
and he goes, are we ready? And I just, in
a loud whisper, went to Theda's walk into a bar
and the place went crazy, and I was like, I was,
but it was amazing. I don't I think when you're
a true comic, your brain works on at a at
(21:07):
a different clip than everyone else, and and you're always
thinking about jokes, Like today, I thought of the dumbest
joke I posted on Instagram. But I was like, I said,
this is just so stupid. But it's like, you can't judge.
I said, what did mister T say after he pushed
fifty cent in the pool? Fitty the pool?
Speaker 4 (21:28):
It's the dumbest joke.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
You write them in the hope that they find a
place in your act and and uh, and so I
just at that moment I realized, oh, I'm and everyone
always said you're You're the funniest guy I ever met,
like you should be, you should be a stand up.
I just didn't know how that worked. And then after
the article, I got the balls to do it once
I got on stage my dad. When I was growing up,
I played at Forest Hills, Uh baseball, and and we
(21:51):
would play.
Speaker 4 (21:51):
Town and Country. And there was this guy, Brad Radt,
who ended up going pro. It's had mall. They had
a really good Okay, they had a really good ball.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
She gotta keep asking Florida questions.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
And I remember saying to my.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Dad when I was like twelve maybe eleven, I said,
how come no one talks about me playing baseball the
way they talk about Brad or Ryan. But these guys
and end up going pro.
Speaker 4 (22:18):
And my dad.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Ryan Valarius, he was the best player on our team,
and then Mark Valdez, Tony Krasco, like all these guys
went pro. And I said, my dad just very flatly said, buddy,
you don't have what they have. When they do it,
it's effortless, like they don't have to try, and they're
just amazing. He said, you're always gonna have to work
extra hard to get as good as them. He's like,
key to life is finding the thing, like they have
(22:41):
for baseball. Find your thing, find your thing, and that'll
be it. And the first time I did stand up
is before cell phones. I went back to my apartment
in Indian Village and I called my dad and I said,
I think I found my thing. Comedy comes to me,
not effortlessly, but I enjoy it. I casually do it,
and I I can do it quicker than my friends
(23:02):
and so, and my dad's like, well, if it's your thing,
you got to follow it. And so I moved to
New York to start a stand up and h and yeah,
so how do you?
Speaker 4 (23:19):
How do you?
Speaker 3 (23:20):
And Aaron and I are constantly in this like, you know,
dodging what could be the landmines of cancel culture, and
every time we say something, we then get like this
like panic of like oh my god, we're you know,
gonna get fired or whatever.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
But it's like, how as a comedian do you navigate that?
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Because the sensitivity levels on any number of different topics,
the ebb and flow of that, or as a comedian
do you not like how do you how do you
deal with that, well, you've.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Got to remember your intent. Like if my intent is
always comedy, so like my intent is always to make
you laugh. My intent is never to have anyone come
into a show and have them have the worst day
of their life. So as long as your intense pure,
I believe your audience is, your audience will follow you listen.
I can't I can't say whether or not people in
the South, are people in on the coasts are going
(24:08):
to get offended by something I'll say. I just know
that my fan base trusts that my intent is always
to make them laugh. I think, really I'm callous to
it a tad bit, and that I've said some very
very wild stuff, especially podcasting. We did podcasts back when
we didn't know people were listening. We just get high
on Rogan and say wild shit.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
I mean why. I remember doing an episode with them
one time and it got pulled down.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
By Spotify and our areas and they edit it and
put it up in two parts, and I was like,
what did I say?
Speaker 4 (24:37):
And Rogan's like, don't worry about it. It's fine, man.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
That's got Aaron. Can you imagine being able to say
whatever you wanted? Now?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
What?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
How liberating? It you're unemployed. I'm gonna say, fun.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Listen, here's here's the biggest problem is you have corporate
entities on top of you right now that are watching you,
and they're and they're kind of saying hey. And I
had that a travel Channel, they'd be like, listen, you know,
we're brand friends. Travel Channel is owned by Scripts, which
was a Christian based company out of Knoxville, and I
was I was always scared i'd lose the Travel Channel
job because that was security for me. And then when
(25:10):
I got fired from there, it was very freeing and
I just started saying, I'm better at stand up than
I am at hosting. And here's the deal. And I
said this to you guys before we started recording, but
I mean it. You guys are the you guys are
at the tip of the iceberg of where you are.
Podcasting has been underrepresented by different voices. I'll say candidly.
Black men were the first one that I'm seeing come
(25:31):
out right now and they are owning podcasting. Cam Cam
and Mace Cam Newton, Matt Matt Hoffman. I think I'm
saying his name right, but like, the black men are
are owning podcasting. In my opinion, and they've been underrepresented
for a.
Speaker 4 (25:47):
Very long time.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
For a very long time, it was just us white
guys doing stand up that had all the podcasts. And
then people were like, I want to hear something different.
Cam and May Cameron and Mace are my favorite podcasts
to listen to, and they talk wild shit, wild shit.
But the next I'm telling you, and I said this
to you, you guys are the shavings, just the snow
cone shavings of the iceberg of women on podcasts, especially
(26:10):
talking about sports and talking freely. I can't wait you
guys go through menopause and start talking about that. My
wife but the only one talking about menopause, and and
it's and it's it's amazing as a dude to hear
them talk about it.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
But like, I really believe that that you guys are
are gonna be huge.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Look at and now look at the sports voices that
have been represented. The Kelsey Brothers have an amazing podcast.
McAfee's been going at it for a while and now
is just blowing up. Bill Simmons is a goat in
the podcasting arena. And I'm telling you look around, and
you'll look around the tables and you will notice that
you are your genre is underrepresented. And you, guys, that's
(26:51):
why I'm so excited to be on this podcast.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Shout oh, you're so thank you for doing it.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
We know how busy. Shout out to your wife too.
She has a podcast as well. I know that it's yeah, exactly.
And what a saint she is.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
I mean, she is just a dream this one. How
did you guys meet? What's your guys' story?
Speaker 4 (27:09):
She was She was a.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Screenwriter in La and I was a struggling comic. I
was I'd done some TV and I was getting back
into stand up to try to go on the road.
And I'd seen her writing a screenplay at the base
of Runyan Canyon. She had she worked with a writing partner,
and she was just.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
She was just at the base of Runyan Canyon writing
a script. Was she sitting at it? I mean, brought
her own desk? Where is she writing the script.
Speaker 4 (27:30):
In the office of the apartment building?
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Okay, I was going to say, running Canyon. I didn't
know that we had a we work there, fancy, and.
Speaker 4 (27:37):
So I went in with my friend and I talked
to her. She was a bitch, and I love bitches.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
And then I saw her again at a at a
yoga class and her ex boyfriend she had broken up
with him and he tried to get her back, and she,
I mean humiliated him in front of the whole yoga
class because he brought flowers.
Speaker 4 (27:54):
And I was like, wow, I don't ever want to
be that guy. And then one night we're bowling and
I was cute.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I was not like my fighting weight, I was like
one eighty six, and she kind of flirted with me,
and I had this, uh, I'm gonna speak very candidly,
but I had this like phobia of uh, strong women
because I'd seen too much of sex in the city
and I thought they were all horrors.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
So I was like, I don't want to wait, you
think strong women are horrors, it's like the opposite.
Speaker 4 (28:20):
Well, it's the it's at the it's at the beginning
of like the sexual freedom.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
You watch Samantha. You watched a lot of the Samantha
version of that, not Charlotte.
Speaker 4 (28:29):
That's not who I am. I'm not like, I've only
had sex with six women, and so I'm not and
my wife's.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Six and so I was like, are you being serious?
Speaker 4 (28:36):
Yeah? I mean dead serious? Yeah, well, no, I mean I.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Was going to make a ludes joke there, but you know,
here we go, I'm finally catching on to the.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
Roof sheep, and I'm through the roof. But but women, Yeah, but.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
You went to Florida State. You were just busy writing jokes.
Speaker 4 (28:52):
I'm an intimacy guy like I.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I was going out to Yanni's looking for a girl
that got me, like I wanted someone that understand me
that I wanted to fall in love.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
I've always wanted to fall in love. I never won.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
That would be great if I was trying to get
laid now, but it's the truth. And so my wife
was I just figured all women in Hollywood and New
York were like they just sleep with people and it
didn't matter, and I didn't want that sterical and so
and then I found out she was not like that,
and uh yeah, and I'm in love.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
So you sorry, go ahead, No, go ahead. I was
going to say, how do you keep this going with
the schedule that you have, because I mean, I and
much like hers with her significant other, her boyfriend and
my husband, we are like two passing ships. I've got football,
he's got hockey, Like, how the hell do you keep
this going.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
It's interesting. It during me during my career, like in
the past twenty years, it's been very easy. I think
we just figured out a schedule, a rhythm with our
girls and with my wife that it just worked. I
think the real scary part, and we felt it this weekend,
and I just talking candidly, was my oldest is at
(30:03):
college and my youngest is leaving for college in like
four months, and the idea of us being alone is
really terrifying. Like we didn't know what to do because
it's like we woke up it was Saturday. I that
was gone all weekend and it was Saturday, and I
was like, what do you want to do?
Speaker 4 (30:18):
She was like I don't know. And then she was like,
you want to go to Costco. And I was like,
oh my god, we're running into my parents.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Or old school. You don't have time for beds beyond
where I am right now. It's like we had all
this alone time and now we have a seven month
old and we're like, where did our life go? This
is crazy, so much great stuff with Bert In fact,
it's so good. We're going to do it twice. That's right.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
We've split this interview into two parts. Stay tuned for
part two next week and find out why Burt turned
out an opportunity to hang out with Aaron Rodgers.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
All right, hang on, not so fast. We have a
big announcement to make. We've been talking about doing a
live show for a while now, and we can officially
reveal it's happening. It sure is Calm Down Live, Ladies
and gentlemen. That is right what we do best, good
batter and different.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
May Night Netflix is a joke fest at the Hollywood Improv.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Tickets are now on sale. The link is in the
description of this episode. Also check out our Instagram at
Calm Down Podcast. We'll have all the info there as well.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
And if you're wondering why I have paint doll over
my hands, it's not important. I'll explain it at the
live show. We are so excited about this when we
cannot wait to see you guys there again. That is
May Night at the Hollywood Improv Netflix is a joke fest.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Hope to see you there. Calm Down with Erin and
Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio apps, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts,
My dad just very flatly said, buddy, you don't have
what they have. When they do it, it's effortless, like
they don't have to try, and they're just amazing. He said,
you're always gonna have to work extra hard to get
as good as them. He's like, key to life is
finding the thing like they have for baseball. Find your thing,
Find your thing, and that'll be And the first time
I did stand up is before cell phones. I went
(00:20):
back to my apartment in Indian Village and I called
my dad and I said, I think I found my thing.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
We are as informal as it comes, because well, calm
the fuck down, you know what I mean. So this
man introduces himself on his own website as stand up
podcast host machine. He needs no introduction because he's absolutely everywhere.
Burt Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
I just lost them.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Uh oh, and you said you're we're at the tip
of the iceberg. We're not going anywhere. I mean with
Wi Fi like that bird shit you are do WiFi
cut out? That's okay, So Will we have a successful show.
If our Wi Fi cuts out, I'm asking for a
great question, my best friend. How are we both from
(01:22):
the same area? You know this right?
Speaker 4 (01:25):
No? I did not wait. Where are you from?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I was so I moved to Brandon.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
No, you realize Brandon is the Hoboken of Tampa.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
You realize I went to Bloomingdale where you did not.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Go to Bloomingdale. Yes, no, one good comes out of Bloomingdale.
You did not go to Bloomingdale. You didn't wait, No way.
You know we used to play you guys in baseball.
I just we won, right, I No, blooming is back.
Back in ninety eighty nine, ninety ninety one, they had
this dude named Cherry something. But it always always thought
(01:59):
his name is Terry Violence like the Outsiders. But it
wasn't Cherry. It was like Buck Cherry or something. Real redneck,
real redneck, overweight.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Cherry wasn't a musician. Bert, I'm in the middle of
fucking nowhere. Is my WiFi back?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Is it good? Now?
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (02:12):
Well, that's like being part of brand in Florida. We'll
do this intro again because we're professionals.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Are you ready?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
And Bert is worthy of not only doing the intro
once but twice on your website you say stand up,
podcast host and machine. You are everywhere doing all the
things Bert Kreischer, Ladies and gentlemen, as.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
He what are we eating?
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Is that Bailey jew I'm putting a zin in Guys,
Come on.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Yeah, I just listened to all about this with your
podcast with Julian.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
Yeah, Julian's Julian Edelman's he still dips. Danny M. Mondola
introduced Julian Edelman into Dip.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Danny A. Mondola might be the canary in the mind
for everything. That guy was the reason that we watched
Hard Knocks. He's the reason Julian Edelman dips. He's the
reason Gronk like there's he was like a little firestarter
for a bunch of things.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
We'll call him doura F. He's also the reason why
Greg Olsen didn't get the Men's Health cover, because apparently
Greg Olsen tells a great story about how he was
like there was an opportunity. He didn't win this super
Bowl yet lost it, but he's like, there's an opportunity
for me to be on the cover of Men's Health.
And every time he tells the story, he's like it
gets fa it gets better, and so he's like, so
I'm just like working out hard and I am like
(03:21):
shredded and I look great. And it's like I even
saw the photos and I was like, honey, how hot
am I? Men's health comes out, he gets like a
little picture inside Danny Amandola got the cover.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Can I tell you what Greg Olsen's story? Sidebar please?
So love.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
We're at super Bowl, me and Tom's girl. We're launching
our bod Kaporo. So so we're rolling around and we're
kind of just steamrolling shows. Rich Eisen's, we bum rush
grondk and Edelman.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
I mean, we're just having fun. Uh.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Sidebar, big apologies to Pat McAfee. We definitely bum rush
his show in the middle of an interview with c. J.
Stroud and it was it was not cool and we
should have We should have We know fat for a
long time. We should have checked first. We had to
send apologies. Here's the other thing. So randomly we see
Cam Newton. Cam Newton loses his mind, recognizes me were
doing an interview with him. Greg Olsen shows up and
(04:12):
Tom and I proceed to tell Greg Olsen a story
of when we went to a Dominatrix gimpt together. Greg
Olsen barreled through that and he was like, no, we're
not telling that story. I do not want to hear it. No, no, no,
and Tom and I keep telling you no, and then
she tethered us, and he's like, nope, keep going nope,
I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
But so Greg Olsen never got to hear our great
story of us seeing a dominatrix gimp for our two.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Ways you had me at Dominate Trix. We'll just start
and stop right there.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
You are so busy.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
We appreciate you having your shirt on, but also are
excited that tops Off World Tour is happening.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
You're back on the road March seventh.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Yeah, I mean Grand Rapids, then Toronto, then then on
Ottawa and and some of the in Canada. Right now,
we're cleaning out my bus. We're cleaning out all the
drugs from my bus.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
There you go, Dare, what would heavy sweep? Well, you
know what.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
We're happy that you're keeping things clean, but how often
are you actually home?
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Very seldomly, I uh like, like comically and personally tragically seldom.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Mentally I'm not here right now, don't talk to me.
I'm not here.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I'm not at home right now. By the way, I
take naps in my bus.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
My bus is a mile and a half from my house,
and I drive to my bus to take you.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
I don't even like my house. My house has.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Nowhere comfortable to You're crazy.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Your bus, by the way, is like the Madden Madden
two point zero to bus.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
It's incredible.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
My daughter designed it. Uh yeah, Well, I knew I
wanted a bus. I knew I wanted what I wanted
because I live in my tour bus. I really live
in it. All joking aside, I'm probably home maybe Monday Tuesday,
and then leave Wednesday night if that.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Sometimes with do and two bears.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Well, I'll stay on the road usually two weeks straight
and go to Austin for a week for like Tuesday
Wednesday and then and then I'm home like maybe four
days a month roughly. And so I live in my bus.
I know, well, listen, make hey while the sun shines.
I didn't have a career when I was twenty three.
I had to wait until I was forty four, so
I got to make all the money I can, and
so I knew what I wanted in my bus.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
I wanted my I love. I don't like the rear
bedroom I like.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I liked sleeping in the bunks, but I wanted a
bigger bed, so I cleaned out the second rack of bunks.
Speaker 4 (06:26):
Put a bed there. No one does this. I put
a bed there.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
I put my bathroom in the way back, became myself
a full bathroom, which I like living on a bus.
I don't like getting off the bus. I don't like hotels.
I don't like any of that.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
And I love hotels. But I'm a big snob that
I was going to ask you that. But you have
your bathroom in the back. Okay, talk about your bathroom.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Go on subway tiles in the shower, big, full sized power.
My daughter designed it all all my power colors blue
and dark maroons. And we put the closet in front
of the engine so it muffles the sound. Because what
happens when you live on a bus is you do
the arena. Bus cralls around two in the morning. Everyone
has drinks, smokes, we whatever have a scar and then
everyone gets in the bus and takes off. Well, when
(07:03):
your bug is in the way back, they start the
bus up at two in the morning and it wakes
you up well with this, with the with all my
my closet in front of the engine, I don't hear
the bus start. I don't feel it take off. I'm
stuck in them. I'm in the back middle of the bus.
So all I feel is a little shimmy as we
drive down the street. It is Gavin Rossdale walked on
my bus and and this. He's a man that lives
(07:24):
on a bus too, and he went, this is genius.
He's like, can I rent this from you? This is
the best setup I've ever I took Jelly Roll on
my bus, Joe Coyl on my bus. I brought every
I brought people who live on buses and they look
at my bus and they're like, man, this and my
daughter put little accents to make it feel.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Like, huh nice, that's so sweet. Yeah, I love this. Okay, wait,
number one thing in your fridge you have to have
on your bus. I was going to say that you
have at home, but you're never at home, So what
does it matter?
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Okay? Exogenous keytones and lement Are we supposed.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
To know what that? I know what element is. I
don't know what that is. I'm a non flavor. I'm
in orange girl too.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
Oh I love. Have you ever gotten the bland one
where it's just salt and.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You're like, yeah, it's great, I have it now, it's great.
Wait tell me what it is. Fill me in. You've
had it.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Lemon tea is a yeah, go ahead, you tell.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Them you've had it. At Yellowstone we have it all there.
It's the little electrolytes packets.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, there's are I
thought it was just something that was like a Florida thing.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Since both of you guys originate from the same area,
so we leave.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
You're from Florida. That is, so that's something I should know.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Yeah, no offense. I was a little I was like,
oh my god, he's going to have all this great
Florida scoop. He's even going to be like we've met before. Okay,
look there, we get it. There's a lot of Florida
jokes out there. We get it. I mean when Florida
ask you where are you from? I always say Tampa.
I know there's a joke.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
You can't say that. You can't say that, I can't
say that. You know, that's like people saying I'm from Hoboke.
I love living in New York and you go, were
in New York. Well, they're like just outside New York
and Hoboken.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
You know that's Hoboken, Damn from Tampa.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
No, you can now because Brandon has grown up. But
when I was a kid, Brandon was not grown up.
Brandon was just to stop just outside Eboor.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
So wait for those of us that don't know the area.
So where did Aaron grow up?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Tell me?
Speaker 3 (09:10):
You know, I want to know your hometown Erin According
to Burt Okay, oh sorry.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Oh no, no, I'll explain. I'm gonna explain. I'm gonna explain.
All I do is all my podcasts to smoke weed
and listen to history podcasts. Brandon was it is where
the term cracker comes from. It's the that is No,
I'm being dead serious. Lord of crackers. Were like they
they smacked.
Speaker 4 (09:29):
The whip on the cattle. They're all cattlemen.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
And so from Brandon was the last bastion Brandon o'calla odessa.
Uh there's there are these last bastions of cattle grazing
land before they started developing them. And now Brandon's developed
and there's a huge mall in Brandon. Brandon's like a
grown up town now, but it was not when I
was a kid. That's where you went and got mushrooms.
Who yeah, because if it rains in Florida, if you
(09:53):
go to the cow patties and in the afternoon, there's.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Uge, yeah. Huge.
Speaker 4 (09:58):
This is before you knew anything microdosing.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
You would just go a cow pastor, hope you weren't
eating poison, and swallow a mushroom. We didn't even have
bottled water to rinse it off. We didn't even have
bottled water then. So you just eat eat it out
of the cow patty and be like, let's hope we
all trip today.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
And then you get on.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
What town are you from?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
It?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
I love you so much I.
Speaker 4 (10:19):
Know you would.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Wait wait, wait, what does that town mean? What is that?
Speaker 3 (10:26):
For those of us that don't know, that's a river,
that's not even a tower, It's a.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
River with alligators and rednecks, and you just get on
a tube, eat mushrooms and float down the It's the
tuckny A river runs through it.
Speaker 5 (10:40):
Okay, okay, where are you from?
Speaker 1 (10:52):
No, I'm not really from Tampa either. I'm from Loots,
just outside in Tampa.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
When we moved to Loots.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
When we moved to Loots, my parents are from the north,
from New York in Philadelphia, and we we drove out
to see the art.
Speaker 4 (11:08):
We bought land.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
My dad bought land and loots to build a house.
And I was ten years old. This is nineteen eighty one,
probably eighty two. Yes, And we as we crossed over
Bears Avenue, the radio station switched from Q one O
four two.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
S's right, Q and O five My life ninety four
point nine. I feel like third on a date right now.
This is amazing, This is this is real Florida deep
cuts hereson Dicks.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
I just, I just I just talked to someone who
worked in Mason Dixon.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
By the way, I listen, no sight to Mason Dixon,
No select Q on five. But this is way before
woke radio. This was where they had the chooky. The
was the bird.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
If you do it, you could win, you could win,
like tickets to go see Rush.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Or the bucks. Wasn't that on like Fridays to this.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Day when I'm at work at my office, I have
like a bunch of women at work. I will say Friday, Friday, Friday.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Why was that on weekend?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
For the weekend. Everybody wants a new romance? Yeah, what was.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
The big am talk radio show? I interned with Chris
Thomas at w fl A Channel eight. Remember on Friday
nights he wore the big so borrow when he did
his broadcast. I don't know if you know, because my
dad worked for w FLA. But what was the AM station?
It was sixty nine or something like the Animal.
Speaker 4 (12:35):
What was it it was?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Oh, my dad only listened to the AM And by
the way, Ted uh he went to Jesuit, the guy
who he was.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Just the hot boys went Jesuit. I never dated a
Jesuit boy. Oh, I like, I won't say what I liked,
but yeah, I never I never know.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
I want to go, who did you know?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I feel like, well, I grab you guys dated. It
feels like you have a lot of a lot of things.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
League.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Our big hangout was Regency Center, for like, do you
know the Regency Center?
Speaker 4 (13:11):
No? But it just wreaks from a Brandon hangout.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
It does so bad. Everybody wonders why I was the
biggest square in the world because I lived in Brandon.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
I got to do a deep dive on you can someone,
please please don't do a do a biography so that
I can find out you're younger, because now you got
to understand she is you are absolutely beautiful.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
You are you are, you are, you are, you are,
you are no, but you are.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
What would you say like a Sunday morning beautiful when
you when when we see you on for football, your
Sunday morning beautiful.
Speaker 4 (13:44):
You look gorgeous.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
But there is a redneck inside there that had there
with crimps and and that I'm sure was screaming.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Would never let me get a firm, which really pissed
me off. And I got my haircut down at where
did we get it done? I'm going to text my sister.
It was down in Bloomingdale Square, by Bloomingdale, Floris and
buy the McDonald's. What was it called? But I had
bangs from here to here. It was like the beaver bangs.
It was so bad.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
But anyway, so wait, I want to know. I wanted
to just so I can watch a gator. No, I
was just gonna.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Say, you don't know that. Yeah, but my sister went
to FSU.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Really wait's sister older younger, older, younger younger.
Speaker 4 (14:24):
Okay, I gonna know where?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Wait?
Speaker 3 (14:27):
How far I want to understand how far away? Since
you guys all you know everything about each other from
your hometowns, how far is Bert is your hometown from Erin's.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Oh my Loots is probably a good forty minute drive
from Brandon, but Tampa is minute drive. Well, hold on,
we're not talking La thirty minutes. This is clear open
road thirty minutes where you're driving seventy five miles an hour.
You go down to seventy five, get left on five
on I four, and then you start driving out I
four and Brandon's got you got to got like by
(14:56):
Theanona Sassa. You gotta get through. You gotta get through
some real redneck talents to get to Brandon Lake Lakelyn.
And now it's so developed. You got you hityboard. There's
God the Seminal hard rock casinos right there. Yeah, and
there's stuff on the way out. Back then it was
just fairgrounds to the left and then Aaron's house.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Where I performed in an for the Strawberry Festival, and
I performed like whenever the fair was there with my
dance studio. But Bert before like we lose everybody when
we were going down memory lane. I want to tell
you I shared this on the podcast A couple of
weeks ago. My summer job for like three years when
I went to UF Adventure Island, red bathing suit and
(15:38):
all girl, get it down the Tampa Typhoon. Cross your legs,
cross your arms. Thanks for visiting Adventure Island, Bush, But
I hated the hairy backs.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
It was Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Adventure Island was like was next level. Adventure Island was
probably the funnest time I've ever had in my entire life.
At Busch Gardens and Adventure Island were owned by the
same company, and they were both off of Bush where
Bush Beer. Busch Beer own bus Gardens Anheuser Busch and
Adventure Island was like that was I remember when that
(16:10):
opened and I was like, this is gonna.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Get you yah yah And.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
What is that the theme song?
Speaker 4 (16:18):
Oh yeah, yeah it was so it was so cool.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
I went there as an adult because I had a
show on Travel Channel called Bert the Conquer not as fun.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Oh God, you have had such an incredible career and
I know you are self deprecating and saying like, oh,
you're just now famous and you had to like capitalize
like you've been doing this. What did Rolling Stone call
you the best part of your in ninety seven, what
was your your claim to fame?
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Ninety seven voted the number one party animal at the
number one party school in the country.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
How do you get that title? I was my first
year was ninety six at Florida. But how do you
get that title?
Speaker 1 (16:52):
No way, I I was just they were trying Rollstone
was trying to write an article about Florida State. So
they had interviewed a bunch of people that were like
the five top heads of like the all the big organizations,
and each of them had partied with all of them
the night before randomly, and then and two of them
thought that it was a prank call that I was doing,
(17:13):
and so they all ended up giving him my number.
When Eric Henderguard called me, I was in the middle
of a bong hit getting ready to play disc golf,
and he was like, can I come stay with you
for a week? He wanted just a broad stroke of
the school, someone who knew a lot of people. I've
been there six and a half years and so, which was,
by the way, I know, it's not crazy. That was
pretty par for the course in Florida, and so uh
(17:35):
and so and then at the end, Jan Warner was like, this,
we don't have an article about this school, but we
do have one about this kid. Let's just change it
and make about this kid. And then my life was
changed overnight. Overnight.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
I started doing radio interviews and TV interviews and and
and then I said in the article I wanted to
do stand up and they and some radio station in
Tallahause put together a stand up show that night.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
At the at pot Bellies. And that was your first
show show.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I did twenty minutes at the end of the show,
very stream of consciousness, and and it went really well,
and H and I moved to New York started stand up.
Will Smith discovered me six months later, and I had
a TV.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Show Smith did well Smith, Yeah, that's amazing. Holy shit.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Did you always know that you were like Aaron and
I always knew we wanted to work in sports since
we were little because our fathers, like we always just
like grew up watching sports and knew this is what
we wanted to do. Did you always know that you
wanted to do this? Were you naturally always funny, like
you were the class clown? Like, how did you know
that this was going to be like your thing?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
No? I was very I was a very serious athlete
growing up in Tampa. I really all we did was
play baseball. We played in Florida. You play baseball year.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Round, you have to seeing your banners everywhere all over
the cities.
Speaker 4 (18:43):
Absolutely yep, and so I I.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
And then when I got to Florida State. I was
supposed to walk on and play at Florida State. And
the very first day, coach Martin saw a pledge pin
on my shirt and was like, that comes off. We
don't party here. And he told me I could be
a bullpen catcher. And I just walked off field, and uh,
it was like, I'm done sports. It's kind of you know,
there's so many people I probably were that listen to this.
(19:07):
I probably relate to that more than the pro athletes
who listened to this as well. But giving up sports
was like the hardest thing because it had been your life.
It was what I thought I was gonna do. I
thought I was gonna play baseball. The guy I caught
went and played pro he played for the Twins, Brad Radkey,
and I thought, without a doubt I had. It was
very passionate about it, and I said, I think I'm
just going to focus on this partying thing. And uh,
(19:29):
I know, doubt for you crazy, but I noticed a jesuit,
I was funny because it was all boys, Catholic high school,
a lot of Cuban kids, so your sense of humor
had to be that of the older Cuban dads they
grew up, you know with. And so when I got
to Florida State, I noticed very quickly that I was funny.
I remember the one moment when I was really I
(19:51):
realized I have something that and I don't mean this arrogantly,
but I think I can say I'm a pretty big
comic now. But the moment I realized I'm different, quicker funny,
and smarter funny than my friends was. There was homecoming.
My buddy Eddie Fernandez was a homecoming chair and we
had it with Theda.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
And I made it was hot at Florida State. Yeah
that was the hot one. Yeah, okay, Hi.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
Fi DJ, Theda, Katie.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
They were like it was always good, yeah, always good.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, and uh and so uh, I made a joke
in chapter I made a joke and everyone laughed and
then everyone stopped and Eddie's like, all right, stop, I'm
being serious. I got to tell you about homecoming, and
I made another joke and everyone laughed a get harder,
and the president of the fraternity said, that's it. No
more jokes. Okay, We've got to get through this. I
(20:44):
don't really hear one more joke about Theda or homecoming
at all. Do you understand that? One more joke and
you're out of here? And it was quiet, and I said,
and he goes, are we ready? And I just, in
a loud whisper, went to Theda's walk into a bar
and the place went crazy, and I was like, I was,
but it was amazing. I don't I think when you're
a true comic, your brain works on at a at
(21:07):
a different clip than everyone else, and and you're always
thinking about jokes, Like today, I thought of the dumbest
joke I posted on Instagram. But I was like, I said,
this is just so stupid. But it's like, you can't judge.
I said, what did mister T say after he pushed
fifty cent in the pool? Fitty the pool?
Speaker 4 (21:28):
It's the dumbest joke.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
You write them in the hope that they find a
place in your act and and uh, and so I
just at that moment I realized, oh, I'm and everyone
always said you're You're the funniest guy I ever met,
like you should be, you should be a stand up.
I just didn't know how that worked. And then after
the article, I got the balls to do it once
I got on stage my dad. When I was growing up,
I played at Forest Hills, Uh baseball, and and we
(21:51):
would play.
Speaker 4 (21:51):
Town and Country. And there was this guy, Brad Radt,
who ended up going pro. It's had mall. They had
a really good Okay, they had a really good ball.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
She gotta keep asking Florida questions.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
And I remember saying to my.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Dad when I was like twelve maybe eleven, I said,
how come no one talks about me playing baseball the
way they talk about Brad or Ryan. But these guys
and end up going pro.
Speaker 4 (22:18):
And my dad.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Ryan Valarius, he was the best player on our team,
and then Mark Valdez, Tony Krasco, like all these guys
went pro. And I said, my dad just very flatly said, buddy,
you don't have what they have. When they do it,
it's effortless, like they don't have to try, and they're
just amazing. He said, you're always gonna have to work
extra hard to get as good as them. He's like,
key to life is finding the thing, like they have
(22:41):
for baseball. Find your thing, find your thing, and that'll
be it. And the first time I did stand up
is before cell phones. I went back to my apartment
in Indian Village and I called my dad and I said,
I think I found my thing. Comedy comes to me,
not effortlessly, but I enjoy it. I casually do it,
and I I can do it quicker than my friends
(23:02):
and so, and my dad's like, well, if it's your thing,
you got to follow it. And so I moved to
New York to start a stand up and h and yeah,
so how do you?
Speaker 4 (23:19):
How do you?
Speaker 3 (23:20):
And Aaron and I are constantly in this like, you know,
dodging what could be the landmines of cancel culture, and
every time we say something, we then get like this
like panic of like oh my god, we're you know,
gonna get fired or whatever.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
But it's like, how as a comedian do you navigate that?
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Because the sensitivity levels on any number of different topics,
the ebb and flow of that, or as a comedian
do you not like how do you how do you
deal with that, well, you've.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Got to remember your intent. Like if my intent is
always comedy, so like my intent is always to make
you laugh. My intent is never to have anyone come
into a show and have them have the worst day
of their life. So as long as your intense pure,
I believe your audience is, your audience will follow you listen.
I can't I can't say whether or not people in
the South, are people in on the coasts are going
(24:08):
to get offended by something I'll say. I just know
that my fan base trusts that my intent is always
to make them laugh. I think, really I'm callous to
it a tad bit, and that I've said some very
very wild stuff, especially podcasting. We did podcasts back when
we didn't know people were listening. We just get high
on Rogan and say wild shit.
Speaker 4 (24:28):
I mean why. I remember doing an episode with them
one time and it got pulled down.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
By Spotify and our areas and they edit it and
put it up in two parts, and I was like,
what did I say?
Speaker 4 (24:37):
And Rogan's like, don't worry about it. It's fine, man.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
That's got Aaron. Can you imagine being able to say
whatever you wanted? Now?
Speaker 1 (24:44):
What?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
How liberating? It you're unemployed. I'm gonna say, fun.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Listen, here's here's the biggest problem is you have corporate
entities on top of you right now that are watching you,
and they're and they're kind of saying hey. And I
had that a travel Channel, they'd be like, listen, you know,
we're brand friends. Travel Channel is owned by Scripts, which
was a Christian based company out of Knoxville, and I
was I was always scared i'd lose the Travel Channel
job because that was security for me. And then when
(25:10):
I got fired from there, it was very freeing and
I just started saying, I'm better at stand up than
I am at hosting. And here's the deal. And I
said this to you guys before we started recording, but
I mean it. You guys are the you guys are
at the tip of the iceberg of where you are.
Podcasting has been underrepresented by different voices. I'll say candidly.
Black men were the first one that I'm seeing come
(25:31):
out right now and they are owning podcasting. Cam Cam
and Mace Cam Newton, Matt Matt Hoffman. I think I'm
saying his name right, but like, the black men are
are owning podcasting. In my opinion, and they've been underrepresented
for a.
Speaker 4 (25:47):
Very long time.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
For a very long time, it was just us white
guys doing stand up that had all the podcasts. And
then people were like, I want to hear something different.
Cam and May Cameron and Mace are my favorite podcasts
to listen to, and they talk wild shit, wild shit.
But the next I'm telling you, and I said this
to you, you guys are the shavings, just the snow
cone shavings of the iceberg of women on podcasts, especially
(26:10):
talking about sports and talking freely. I can't wait you
guys go through menopause and start talking about that. My
wife but the only one talking about menopause, and and
it's and it's it's amazing as a dude to hear
them talk about it.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
But like, I really believe that that you guys are
are gonna be huge.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Look at and now look at the sports voices that
have been represented. The Kelsey Brothers have an amazing podcast.
McAfee's been going at it for a while and now
is just blowing up. Bill Simmons is a goat in
the podcasting arena. And I'm telling you look around, and
you'll look around the tables and you will notice that
you are your genre is underrepresented. And you, guys, that's
(26:51):
why I'm so excited to be on this podcast.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Shout oh, you're so thank you for doing it.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
We know how busy. Shout out to your wife too.
She has a podcast as well. I know that it's yeah, exactly.
And what a saint she is.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
I mean, she is just a dream this one. How
did you guys meet? What's your guys' story?
Speaker 4 (27:09):
She was She was a.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Screenwriter in La and I was a struggling comic. I
was I'd done some TV and I was getting back
into stand up to try to go on the road.
And I'd seen her writing a screenplay at the base
of Runyan Canyon. She had she worked with a writing partner,
and she was just.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
She was just at the base of Runyan Canyon writing
a script. Was she sitting at it? I mean, brought
her own desk? Where is she writing the script.
Speaker 4 (27:30):
In the office of the apartment building?
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Okay, I was going to say, running Canyon. I didn't
know that we had a we work there, fancy, and.
Speaker 4 (27:37):
So I went in with my friend and I talked
to her. She was a bitch, and I love bitches.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
And then I saw her again at a at a
yoga class and her ex boyfriend she had broken up
with him and he tried to get her back, and she,
I mean humiliated him in front of the whole yoga
class because he brought flowers.
Speaker 4 (27:54):
And I was like, wow, I don't ever want to
be that guy. And then one night we're bowling and
I was cute.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I was not like my fighting weight, I was like
one eighty six, and she kind of flirted with me,
and I had this, uh, I'm gonna speak very candidly,
but I had this like phobia of uh, strong women
because I'd seen too much of sex in the city
and I thought they were all horrors.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
So I was like, I don't want to wait, you
think strong women are horrors, it's like the opposite.
Speaker 4 (28:20):
Well, it's the it's at the it's at the beginning
of like the sexual freedom.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
You watch Samantha. You watched a lot of the Samantha
version of that, not Charlotte.
Speaker 4 (28:29):
That's not who I am. I'm not like, I've only
had sex with six women, and so I'm not and
my wife's.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Six and so I was like, are you being serious?
Speaker 4 (28:36):
Yeah? I mean dead serious? Yeah, well, no, I mean I.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Was going to make a ludes joke there, but you know,
here we go, I'm finally catching on to the.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
Roof sheep, and I'm through the roof. But but women, Yeah, but.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
You went to Florida State. You were just busy writing jokes.
Speaker 4 (28:52):
I'm an intimacy guy like I.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I was going out to Yanni's looking for a girl
that got me, like I wanted someone that understand me
that I wanted to fall in love.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
I've always wanted to fall in love. I never won.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
That would be great if I was trying to get
laid now, but it's the truth. And so my wife
was I just figured all women in Hollywood and New
York were like they just sleep with people and it
didn't matter, and I didn't want that sterical and so
and then I found out she was not like that,
and uh yeah, and I'm in love.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
So you sorry, go ahead, No, go ahead. I was
going to say, how do you keep this going with
the schedule that you have, because I mean, I and
much like hers with her significant other, her boyfriend and
my husband, we are like two passing ships. I've got football,
he's got hockey, Like, how the hell do you keep
this going.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
It's interesting. It during me during my career, like in
the past twenty years, it's been very easy. I think
we just figured out a schedule, a rhythm with our
girls and with my wife that it just worked. I
think the real scary part, and we felt it this weekend,
and I just talking candidly, was my oldest is at
(30:03):
college and my youngest is leaving for college in like
four months, and the idea of us being alone is
really terrifying. Like we didn't know what to do because
it's like we woke up it was Saturday. I that
was gone all weekend and it was Saturday, and I
was like, what do you want to do?
Speaker 4 (30:18):
She was like I don't know. And then she was like,
you want to go to Costco. And I was like,
oh my god, we're running into my parents.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Or old school. You don't have time for beds beyond
where I am right now. It's like we had all
this alone time and now we have a seven month
old and we're like, where did our life go? This
is crazy, so much great stuff with Bert In fact,
it's so good. We're going to do it twice. That's right.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
We've split this interview into two parts. Stay tuned for
part two next week and find out why Burt turned
out an opportunity to hang out with Aaron Rodgers.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
All right, hang on, not so fast. We have a
big announcement to make. We've been talking about doing a
live show for a while now, and we can officially
reveal it's happening. It sure is Calm Down Live, Ladies
and gentlemen. That is right what we do best, good
batter and different.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
May Night Netflix is a joke fest at the Hollywood Improv.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Tickets are now on sale. The link is in the
description of this episode. Also check out our Instagram at
Calm Down Podcast. We'll have all the info there as well.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
And if you're wondering why I have paint doll over
my hands, it's not important. I'll explain it at the
live show. We are so excited about this when we
cannot wait to see you guys there again. That is
May Night at the Hollywood Improv Netflix is a joke fest.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Hope to see you there. Calm Down with Erin and
Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio apps, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts,
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