In part two with comedian Bert Kreischer, a game of “What Would Bert Do” leads us down the unexpected paths of life lessons in parenting and finding love, as well as the more predictable paths of Cracker Barrel menu picks and how Bert sometimes wonders if he missed his window at being a professional diver. And Bert tells a story of monumental importance to him about returning to FSU that highlights the beauty of life coming full circle.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
And they're like, listen, when he shows up, all this
changes and they're like, yeah, well, if he's drinking, we're
going to have a problem. And me and my daughters
are like, no one's talking. We're just waiting for this
guy to show up.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And then.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
A five foot eight, skinny white dude walks in and
we're like, please be him, please be him, sit down,
and he goes.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
He goes, do you guys have Martin Naz And I
was like, yeah, baby.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Calm down with Aeron and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
All right, guys, let's go to part two with Bert Kreischer.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
He tells us.
Speaker 5 (00:34):
Why he still taged.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Some of his ex girlfriends on social media, which is
great and an incredible story about him returning to Florida
State and life coming full circle and actually gets super emotional.
It's really really great. I see your pin tripes behind you.
Speaker 6 (00:51):
So Bert, Derek Peter was nice enough to come on
the podcast and we were talking about a myriad of
different topics, and so parenting advice came up. Oh, I
need you to give Aaron some parenting advice because you're
almost on the other side of this thing as an
empty Nester.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Oh, my best parenting advice is you're gonna screw it up.
You've never done it before, and so you're gonna mess
it up bad, like real bad.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
It's gonna be.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
And that's the thing you have to be cool with
is like it's like it's you're gonna make a lot
of mistakes and mistakes that are bad. Like you're gonna
make bad mistakes, you're gonna parent poorly, and you're gonna
raise your voice and you're gonna do things that your
parents did and not realize you're doing it, and then
your kids are gonna react like horribly, and but that's
all normal, Like no one goes into parenting other than
(01:36):
like guys that are having their second family, like Enzo Ferrari,
like knowing what they're doing properly and so Farri's second
kid was a dime, but all the other ones, the
other one was like, you know, only passed away but whatever,
but he's not missing oh anyway. But uh, that's the
thing is like you're gonna mess it up. And for me,
the thing I probably regret the most, and I think
(01:57):
this is probably most adjacent to where you are, Aaron
is I was someone who focused very heavily on my
career because I felt like if I don't make money,
then no one's happy. So I'm gonna make sure I
can make money. And so I spent a lot of
time away when now I look at it and I go,
I'll never get to get that time back. Now, Listen,
you look in hindsight, you go, I really messed up.
(02:19):
It worked out. We're all fine and we have money,
and everyone gets good.
Speaker 4 (02:22):
To college, and your kids still talk to you.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
And my kids still went on a hike with Isla.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Last night, Georgia called me after camping with her friends
and was like, I love you, I miss you, like I.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
We're all in a really great.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Place, but but we pulled teeth to get there. I
mean it was like, you know, I joke about my
family a lot on stage. I probably don't joke enough
about like the series. I have one joke about when
Georgia smoked weed. I was with a Snoop and I
found out she smoked weed, and I was really upset,
and I was like, I said to Liamne, we're gonna
I was. I was on doing a show with Snoop
(02:56):
and making I was having lunch with him and he
heard me parenting on the phone. I was like, that
does it. We're gonna get on the FaceTime. I'm gonna
like that pitch up. I'm gonna I was just.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Like she smoked weed. She where did she get it from?
In the ads? Like it's your weed?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
And I was like, she's a thief too, what the
And I was like, I'm gonna make her cry. She's
gonna cry on the phone tonight so she knows this
is real. And and then I hung up and Snoop's like, Nah,
don't do that. He was like, you're what's happening to
you is your feelings are You're having feelings about losing
control of your daughter and your daughter's growing up shouldn't
need you, And it's messing with your head as a person,
(03:30):
and it's messing with your heart as dad, and so
you making her cry is going to just push her.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Further from me. I was like, when the fuck did
you turn into a doctor?
Speaker 5 (03:37):
I was gonna say.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
I mean, he's a great dad, and he's a great friend.
And and the.
Speaker 6 (03:42):
Children's songs too, Snoop the affirmation song, I really highly recommend.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
I am a great person. I am a great person.
My parents love me so much. My parents.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
I mean, I'm not gonna say I am going to
make this joke, but it's not joke.
Speaker 5 (03:59):
It's real.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
As we're talking about a song ninety three point three
the Power pick I got to do a top five
at nine song. Hi, I'm Aaron Andrews and I go
to Bloomingdale High School. And tonight's number three song is
red red Wine. I'd love to tell Preston Bernheisel, I
love you so much.
Speaker 6 (04:17):
You called in and dedicated a song to a guy.
You get, you get chosen, you be forty red red Wine.
It's like getting the hat for the twenty one song.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
I'm at the tailor concert like it's a big deal
for the top five at nine on the Power Pig
to do So, how did you get Pills?
Speaker 1 (04:33):
I called it in the top five and nine. I
dedicated it to Jennifer Stevens.
Speaker 4 (04:37):
Is that one of the six?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
No, No, eighth grade love, eighth grade eighth great love?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
I was. I was in a bedroom with her her
now husband.
Speaker 4 (04:49):
WHOA Is that the start of a joke.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Oh No.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
We were scout out to Stephen Saint John. We're at
his house and I called it in the top five
of nine and I was dating Jennifer Stevens, and I said,
I want to I forget what my song was, but
I want to I want to fend this out to
Jennifer Stevens.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And then it was like a big deal.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
You had to call in and wait and you sat
on the phone forever waiting for them, and then they
played your song, played a song. Nerves are up and
then you're like, hey, this is Burke Chriisler. I go
to Berkeley Prep. Uh, I like, dedicate this song to
Jennifer Stevens, Motley Crue, Don't don't go away, Mad, just
go away or whatever.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Oh my god.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
So I have always been a fan of yours, but
I fell even more in love with you when you
jumped on set for the Thursday Night Football Crew when
we had a Rams game and Ryan Fitzpatrick is your twin.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
Uh, you guys are.
Speaker 6 (05:35):
One and the same, and you jumped on set and
you just made his life. He ripped his shirt off.
You guys hug just just sweaty backs and all. It
was quite a time.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
He that was That was I was. I was nervous
doing that because because Inner Whitworth came to my box
like I was. I was with my family and he's
like showed up and he's like, hey, will you take
your shirt off with fits? And I was like yeah.
I was like, that's what I do for a living.
I can definitely do that. I was so nervous to
all of a sudden a party night turned into a
(06:07):
work night and I was pretty drunk.
Speaker 6 (06:08):
Oh well, you pulled it together perfectly because you were
so classy. You went down the line. You mentioned the
Calm Down podcast, the whole thing like that was so great.
It was really really sweet, and we're such big fans
of yours. I want to know your relationship with Tom Sigoura.
When did you guys become friends?
Speaker 2 (06:26):
We were working we were working in brain.
Speaker 6 (06:29):
Why do you laugh when I say his name? Just
because he automatically makes you laugh?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
He does. Well, it's you know, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
It's it's a buddy that I'm now business partners with,
Like we have a Vodko, we have a podcast, we
have a movie in development. And it's funny to think
that I met him at the Brave Improv. We were
opening for a guy, a very famous comedian at the time,
J Moore.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
And of course I got I got a j Moore
story for you real quick. You'll appreciate this. I was
working on a show called The Best Damn Sports Show,
and I was a baby. I had just got asked
to like do a now national show. I was like
a regional Fox reporter for that for the Rockies before that.
I'm on the Best damn Sports Show. I'm thinking to myself,
Oh my god, I've made it. Jay Moore comes on
and he looks at my jacket and he goes, oh,
(07:13):
my wife has that jacket but in leather. And I
was humiliated. And I was so mortified. I was like
a little kid, and it was like a pleather jacket.
So I was sad.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Now Jay was Jay was a good friend for a
very long time. We'd have fallen out, but we're we've
reached out, we've talked, and we're cool now. But at
the time, Tom was overweight, probably two hundred ninety pounds,
and he was sitting in the green room. He was
the host, and he was watching Florida State play and
I walked in and I went, hey, I went to
Florida State.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
And he's like, Florida State's my favorite team. I'm FM Florida.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I go on from Florida and Jay walked in and
he goes, why are we watching Florida State? And Tom said,
I have one hundred dollars on this game. And Jay goes,
you're hosting. You make seventy five dollars a show and
youve got one hundred dollars on this game. You're an idiot.
And he walked out and I looked at Tom. I said, hey, man,
welcome to the tour. And we became best friends.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Two Bears One Cave so popular. Yeah, how long have
you guys been doing that? Now?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
We started really heavy in the pandemic in twenty twenty
is when is when. Tom's a really smart businessman and
we started doing the podcast just as a lark, and
really quick it kind of took off. It was during
the pandemic, so no everyone was at home and looking
for something, and so we doubled up and started doing
two a week or one a week, and it's turned
(08:29):
into it's you know, it's bigger than I think either
of our podcasts, and it's really fun. It's fun as
you know, it's fun to catch up with a friend.
And we don't pre produce it. We don't, which maybe
we should at times, but we just get together and
then just start talking.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
And I think he's the funniest guy in.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
The world without a doubt, and he thinks I am
the weirdest human being alive.
Speaker 6 (08:50):
It works, I know, but to your point, it is
a standing date like Aaron and I. His lives are
so busy, but I know I get to talk to
her for like a straight hour every.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Week, which is fun.
Speaker 6 (08:58):
And I like the things like I'm not a big
produced person anyway, which is weird in TV, but I
think it's more fun that things just go off the rails.
Before we let you go back to one of your
nine hundred different jobs, Bert, will you.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Play a little game with us. It's called what would
Bert Do?
Speaker 6 (09:23):
And there's some various topics that Aaron and I have
talked about on this podcast, so we want to get
your take on it.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
So, by the way, sidebar adjacent, we used to play
a game when I worked in Travel Channel in the
van of Bert has done that, and so what we
do is we say something wild and then everyone would
go around the van and go Bert's on that, and
then they go Bert's on that. No, I don't think
Bert's on that, and then they go Bert and then
I take the question to go bertst on that.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
But oh yeah, I like that. That's next. That's the
next time you come on.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
That's where it's at the Travel Channel.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
You worked on the Travel Channel?
Speaker 5 (09:56):
Tooey, No, he did. I just know.
Speaker 6 (09:58):
I know you sounds crazy, you know crazy wild Bird's
done that.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
When I worked on Travel Channel, I did. I would
travel for the year, two weeks every month of the
year around the world. It was the greatest job you
could ever have. But it was a lot like being
a stripper. It was a lot of fun, the money
was good, but you weren't learning anything.
Speaker 6 (10:16):
So move forward, flexible, Yeah, yeah, in more ways than one. Okay,
So there's an annoying person in the waiting room. Aaron
had a situation with this where they wouldn't shut up,
and she was not happy about it. What do you
do if you're in a waiting room and someone's talking
really loud? Or are you the person that's talking to me?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
I'm a hardcore eavesdropper. I'm a hardcore eavesdropper. I love
I've Actually I was at dinner with my wife and
daughter and I told them to shut up. The other night,
I was like, hold on, the conversation next to us
is so good.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
I had one.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
We were in the Cayman Islands. I had one that
was so good next to me, so good next to
me that I had to introduce myself to the guy.
The guy he started and he goes, and this is
what I heard. I'm with my wife. She orders a drink.
She goes, do you want something to eat? And I
says someone to eat. I hear the guy in the
in the combana next to us go and that's how
my first wife died. And I was like, huh, I'm
(11:06):
in and he was like and he was like, yeah,
I don't know our honeymoon. Isn't that crazy? And I'm
like what? And then and then I'm going, please tell
me how what happened? He goes, who would have thought
horseback riding in bamf in the winter was dangerous?
Speaker 2 (11:18):
And I'm like what.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
My second wife got frostbite? And I'm like second wife.
And then I had to go over and go, hey, man,
my name's Burn. I'm a comedian. Can I get to
know you? And I got him a drink and this
guy was amazing He was a lawyer from Ontario, Canada,
and he just had the wildest stories. And I was like,
I'm a big eavesdropper, So if anyone's ever talking loudly,
I dial in.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
And if my wife started, I.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
Go, do you also? Chris and I are really good
at this.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
I mean, my husband gets frustrated, but I'll look at
other tables and I can figure out their scenario right away,
Like this guy is pissed at this chick and this
is why they're having the most uncomfortable dinner, Like are
you that kind of person too?
Speaker 1 (12:02):
We were on vacation, me and the girls were, and
it was it was a whole table of black women
and they were really lighting up the youngest of the
of the sisters or like you know, like they were
all related. And they did not like her boyfriend and
they did not like that he went on this trip
(12:23):
that he was so annoying. And me and my daughters
and my wife are like then they're like and they're like,
listen when he shows up all these changes and they're like, yeah,
well if he's drinking, we're going to have a problem.
And me and my daughters are like, no one's talking,
We're just waiting for this guy to show up.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
And then.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
A five foot eight, skinny white dude walks in and
we're like, please be him, please be him, sit.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Down, and he goes. He goes, do you guys have Martinitas?
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And I was like, yeah, baby, now we know why
they don't like him.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
Yeah, Aaron and I give names, We give them a car,
like we can figure out their whole life story, or
at least what we think their life story is.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
All here, you get another one.
Speaker 6 (13:02):
What would Burt do? Rude people who recognize you? Aaron
had a situation like this happened at the airport.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
He's a real dick.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
What happened?
Speaker 4 (13:11):
What was your Well, it was Christmas Eve.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
We're doing you know, great game, Dolphins, Cowboys, and it
was a late night flight back to LA and we
just couldn't wait to get to the bar. Right it
was like Christmas Eve, let's get a Christmas cocktail. But
of course they're closing in five minutes. You're like, shit,
I'll have a burger, I'll have three cocktails.
Speaker 5 (13:29):
Whatever.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
And the guy was wasted at the bar and he
looked over at me and I was like, I'll do
anything for a drink.
Speaker 5 (13:35):
Or a burger, and he goes, you should smile more.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
And I looked at him and I go, I didn't ask,
and he goes, I know who you are, and I
said great. And then finally I was like annoyed because
my three male co workers were there and nobody tells
them to smile more. It's like I'm a pet in
a zoo, you know, it's like bee me yay, I'll
smile picture. And so you can't tell I have issues, right,
And so then I got a drink and I looked
at him and I go, have a nice night.
Speaker 5 (14:00):
I'm a bit you know what I mean, Like say
that to the men I'm working with.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
You know, I am the exact opposite. I do not.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
I'm so excited that anyone recognizes me that I literally
am oblivious. The only time it gets bad is like
me and my daughter were having a moment, a parenting
moment recently over New Year's Like we were in Park
City and it was a great parenting moment. We were
talking about really really meaty stuff in our in our
(14:31):
family and me and my behavior and the changes I
made with my diet and losing weight and not drinking
and being dialed in and being present and it was
really emotional and people were recognizing me, and my daughter
said to me, I know this is part of the job,
and I know this is okay, but it is infuriating
(14:51):
that I can't just have you as my dad right now.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
And I was like, and I was like, and then some.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Guys like, dude, you got to do a shot with me,
and I was like, damn it, that's got to. In
a weird way, I never got recognized for so long
in my life that I go, I understand that that
is adjacent to selling tickets and to downloads into money ultimately,
so I in a weird way, I'm a little bit
of a whore for it. I've only had one moment
(15:17):
where it bothered me. We were in Atlantic City and
this like gangster kind of guy was like, hey, you're
going to take a picture with the girls. Take the
shirt off. And I was like, I decided to take
the shirt off. He goes no, and he kind of
grabbed me close and he was like, you take the
shirt off and you take the picture.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
That's how it works.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
And I was like, oh shit, I was so I
took it off.
Speaker 5 (15:41):
And then your pants just kidding.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Another one following a family member x after breakup. Really,
what this is when our like, say we break up
with a guy, Say you break up with a girl,
and then you find out your family member is following
them on social media.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (15:57):
My sister continued to follow my ex boy friend like
years after the back and this guy was a douchebag,
Like why are we still fun? She's like, I'm allowed
to fall whoever I want. I'm like, bit's just why
do you have to follow the ex boyfriend who's an asshole?
Like knock it off? So what would Burt do?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
I One of my favorite things to do is to
remember someone and then see what they've been up to.
Like my sisters like like, I I don't really I
don't really pay attention to too much other than me, Like
I think about me a lot, so I don't think
about other people. But then I remember one time I
said to my wife, I was like, do you ever
google your ex boyfriends?
Speaker 2 (16:34):
And she was like no. I was like you should
do it, see what they're up to, and she was.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Like okay, And so we did it and he had
died and it was like not as fun as you
think it would.
Speaker 6 (16:42):
Be your family following the fun.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
That's what I wanted.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
No, I've tagged ex girlfriends whenever I get on a
private jet, I put I tag them, and I good.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
You know it could have been.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
That's really good.
Speaker 6 (17:00):
Aside from so, have you had run ins with the
ex girlfriends or like them being like, hey, can we
get tickets to something?
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Like all of a sudden now they like, you.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Know old.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, I uh, yeah it happened. I was just a
Grand Marshal of Gasparilla and Tampa.
Speaker 4 (17:16):
Yes, so on that pirate ship.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
And my wife this is I'm over speaking, I'm over sharing.
But my wife's you know, fifty three, she's going through menopause.
There's some insecurities that go along with she hasn't had
any work done. She's not like a botox person, and
so she looks like she looks like she's I think
she's beautiful, but she looks like you know, aged Jason
and and and I could see it was bothering her
(17:40):
saying like all my friends in Tampa, I've all had
work done, and and I was just like, oh, but
you're I don't they they would have they there's nothing
they have that like I don't want to date someone
that's like, oh, we're getting on a private jet.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I want to be married to someone who's like how
much did this cost?
Speaker 5 (17:58):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (17:58):
This is and why are we doing this right?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Right? Why are we don't need this? We don't need
That's why I want. But uh, I've had girlfriends come
to shows. I had one girlfriend come to a show
and I overheard her saying I was the girl he
was dating during that article, like I was the one
that told him to get in the standard. And I
was like, you don't take credit for this, but relax, yeah,
I don't. There's only one ex girlfriend. I'm curious to
(18:23):
what happened.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
To Oh that's Google.
Speaker 6 (18:28):
No way, there's no no such thing as you can't
find someone.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
See this is women. We can find something in two seconds.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
My sister found her her grade school bully good.
Speaker 4 (18:38):
And I hope that. I hope that.
Speaker 6 (18:40):
Oh nine kids, who's who has nine kids?
Speaker 1 (18:47):
My sister's grade school bully from Lutz, Yeah, from LUTs
and crazy?
Speaker 5 (18:53):
God, are you a cracker barrel guy?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
And I missed him so much here And I know
there's like one random one somewhere right. I think it's
like forty minutes away.
Speaker 6 (19:03):
From where I live in for most of each But
what's your go to order?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Oh, country fried steak, mashed potatoes. I get two fried
eggs on top of the country fried steak, I get
biscuits and gravy. I go hard at Cracker Barrel And
by the way, I play the Genius Triangle game the
entire time.
Speaker 6 (19:19):
To find out that I've never been to a Cracker,
I'm the odd man out in this conversation. I know
I'm from Seattle, which, by the way, I'm really close
friends with Adam Ray. You two together time. No one
loves Seattle more than doctor Phil. I mean, he is busy,
Adam Ray.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
I took him to We did the arena wherever the
teams played in the arena there, and then I got
to I got a hit up from the Seahawks saying, Hey,
do you want to come out to our practice. I
wanted to meet coach Carrol. I'm obsessed with coaches. I'm
obsessed with coaches because everyone on instam coach. I am too.
He was great. He was a great guy. He said Bert,
the key to life is finding the spaces in between
(19:58):
the spaces enjoy those. And I was like, I'm wow.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Smart. I don't know what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
My only takeaway is is TK Metcalf K by the way, gorgeous, massive.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
Man chiseled just like a full specimen.
Speaker 6 (20:18):
I love that he wears number eighty because of Steve
Largent growing up in Seattle.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
Like I love Steve Largent.
Speaker 6 (20:23):
Like that's like I mean, I like all different kinds
of players, Like Dion Sanders was my favorite player growing up.
You'll appreciate FSU but like I like the flashiness of Dion,
but I also like the elegance of a Steve Largent
that like handed the football to the official after he score,
like then became a congressman whatever, but like not whatever,
But I don't know. I just love Seattle sports, but
(20:43):
not as much as Adam does.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Adam, well, DK Metcalf comes up to us and he
just done a practice, just worked out, and so I
said to him, I was like, so, what's your day
look like? Now you're gonna take an app play video games,
just thinking that's what you do if you're a pro
athlete and you're a millionaire and you're twenty three, twenty five,
And he says, uh no, I have sign language classes.
I'm trying to learn sign language, and I went, what
(21:08):
he's like so cool? He just is like he's a
curious dude and he's smart. And I was like, oh
my god, this guy's not gonna waste his money. This
guy's gonna be around forever. He's gonna have an amazing
career after his career because he's a smart, fun, interesting dude.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
And I was like wow.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
And then he walked away, and then that's not the
pro athlete I would have been. I would have been like, yeah,
would you have been? I would have been North Doubt's forty.
I would have been drinking, like I'm shocked. They still
don't drink beers after like hockey games like that. They're
all drunk in the in the room that they have. Well,
I drank beers. I made the flyers, not in the
(21:43):
locker room. Yeah, I made the fires drink beers. And
they're like, yo, this cannot you cannot tell anyone about this.
I was like, I'm telling everybody. After the game.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
I was like, guys, we're killing we're killing white claws.
Speaker 6 (21:55):
So we know that you love baseball, but if you
could go like you're purf, like, would you have been
to take in your in your mind, would you be
a hockey player, football player, baseball player, basketball player, like
you could be any professional athlete you want to be.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
I have an absolute love for base for playing baseball.
I love everything about it, the rituals. I love the
OCD that plays into baseball. I love everything about it.
I'm a I'm a pretty good golfer, meaning I grew up.
Everyone knows if you grow up in Florida, you can
just play great golf. I don't have the mindset for golf.
I think I don't have to shut your brain off
(22:31):
and dial in and sink the putt like I am
the guy that would choke. I would, But I always
wonder even now, if like I could have dialed, I
could have just I missed my window in like diving
or like or like skiing, or like archery. You know,
Geena Davis became an archer.
Speaker 6 (22:49):
At like forty five, and there's no crying in baseball
or archery.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Apparently she became an Olympic archer in like two thousand
and one. Was like an Olympic archer.
Speaker 4 (23:02):
It's not too late.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Joe Rogan's a great archer and he picked it up
at fifty like, so can I wonder what my next
my next thing is gonna be.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Uh, it's gonna ask you that, Yeah, what is your
next thing in life? Or just like on stage, what
do you want to do anything?
Speaker 1 (23:19):
No, I'm looking to retire. I'm looking to I want
to sell posos for eight hundred million dollars and then
just live the life of an extravagant, eccentric comedian who
only tours on his yacht. And I just hit sport
cities and I I I fantasize about uh, but I'm
(23:40):
not someone who can take time off, Like I'm supposed
to take nine months off after i shoot my special
in July. I'm shooting my special in Saint Petersburg and
for Netflix, and I'm supposed to take nine months off
and already I just was like I was just talking
to Larired Hamilton. I was like, maybe I'll just go
on to Hawaiian and surf or maybe I'll maybe I'll
start a surfing channel, maybe I'll become I was like,
what if I go out to Big Waves.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
With you guys?
Speaker 1 (24:01):
And he was like you should come, because you know
he's a savage. He's like, you should, you.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Can do it.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
You talk about that family. Oh my god, those jeans
with Gabrielle Reese, I mean between her and I.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Mean, they want to do a double a couple's date
with me and my wife. And I was like, talk
about bringing the scrubs with you? It's like, what are
we going to talk about? Well?
Speaker 5 (24:22):
I just like, yeah, we have to wear a bathing suit.
That would I would just.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
That's where they work out. They work out in their pool.
Speaker 6 (24:30):
No, you can't invite someone over and then they have
to put a bathing suit on.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
No. I was like, it's going to be the only
one in a one piece in that pool. Yeah. I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
I don't know if we're if we're ready to. I
remember I remember when I hung out with Aaron Rodgers.
He was like, hey, I got a place in California.
We should go down to the beach together. And I
was like yeah, and he was like, yeah, bring your wife.
I have my girlfriend down there. And I was like, nah, pass,
I'm not going to.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Bring a woman around your twenty nine year old. What
is he gonna make sandwiches? Make sure we're all get
sand off us before we go inside.
Speaker 6 (25:05):
No, you're when you're with them, very healthy. You have
a picture though in your house when you went back
and performed right at Florida State.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Oh yeah, that was that was the most emotional.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
That was You're gonna you can get me to cry easy.
I'm a big crier.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
But like so, I hadn't been to Florida State since
I graduated, and since i'd done stand up there, I
moved and I had a bad relationship with Florida State
because they didn't graduate me because of the article.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I had to take correspondence classes.
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Really because of that Rolling Stone article.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah, they say I defamed the school, and so they
got they I get really into the sports side of this.
I sat next to work done at graduation because they
wanted his name called out before mine, so no one
really heard mine and yeah, yeah no, And so I
had like a bad taste in my mouth. So I
had not been back to Tallahassee in twenty five years.
(26:06):
I didn't realize we were performing in the Civic Center
in the arena. I thought we were just doing like
a Sometimes these arenas will have a theater, a theater
in'side like a masive square garden.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
So I just figured that.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
There was a room in there that I was performing
in and I got there, I got off my tour
bus and I woke up early and there was a
big sign and a red carpet that reached from my
bus to in the arena that said welcome home Bertie Boy.
Stop emotional and so so it I took the morning
(26:40):
and I walked by myself around the campus just kind
of seeing it and taking it in. I hadn't been
there in twenty five years, want to see the changes.
And I'd put on Instagram stories, you know, I'm here
at Florida State, and kids were opening their windows and
they were yelling out.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Welcome home Bertie Boy. It was like it was like wild.
It was so crazy.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
So then we go to do the show. And now, Aaron,
I'll understand this very clearly. But when we were kids
that Florida didn't have. Florida didn't have a ton of
civic pride. We weren't like Boston or Pittsburgh. You know,
your civic pride was ultimately found at Florida or Florida State.
So that's where you became a member of that community.
And my dad told me when I went to Florida State, Buddy,
(27:22):
you have no idea what you're about to join into
this is overwhelming. When you get to these games, you're
going to feel like you're really a part of something
I didn't understand.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Next.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
I grew up in Tampa, So when I went to
the first game in my freshman year and they threw
the spear into the seminole head as a freshman, I
started sobbing crying. I started, it's on fire, It's on fire.
Cheap film comes out on Renegade. Renegade rears back on
its rear legs and he spikes a burning spear into
(27:50):
the head. I started sobbing, crying, and I cried every
time they ever threw that spear into the every my
whole six and a half seven years there. Every time
it happened, I thop. So I get ready to do
the show, and now, mind you, I still have a
weird relationship with Florida State. I haven't really talked to
anyone who works there. And they say, no, we have
a present for you before the show. I thought they
were going to give me a doctorate, like I thought
(28:11):
they were gonna like Bill calls me me up and
give me a capping down, And they presented me the
spear and they said at all. I started sobbing, crying,
and then I go out, I have a great show,
and I bring the spear out on stage and there's
like twelve thousand people and just channing the the war chant.
(28:33):
And it was I mean, like to this day, you
know when I think sometimes like on my death bet,
what are my memories going to be?
Speaker 6 (28:40):
Like?
Speaker 1 (28:40):
What are the things that flashed before my eyes? And
I hope that's one of them, because it was like
a true connection of coming home and feeling like really
really coming home. And then you know, I've been back since.
I went back to a game and they brought me
on the field and I saw coach normal and and
they brought me down so that I could watch the
spear go in and they had a camera on me bawling, crying.
Speaker 6 (29:02):
O good for you, A full circle moment cry.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
That'd be like me if I went back to Florida.
I think gave you the mister two Bits Ties. You've
got the spear, I've got the two bits Tie.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
It's crazy how those like weird, weird moments, especially in sports,
can really unify and bring you together and make you
feel a part of something.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
You know.
Speaker 6 (29:26):
Yeah, it's not weird. I mean, it's exactly why Aaron
and I love sports. It's the great unifier, right. I mean,
politically you might not agree with someone. Religiously, you might
not agree with someone, but if you're like I'm I
went to Florida State. You went to Florida State, like
you have a moment and like it brings everyone together.
Speaker 4 (29:41):
But we appreciate you taking time.
Speaker 6 (29:43):
You have so many things going on between your podcast,
between Something's burning, you have a million things going on.
Don't forget everybody tops off World Tour, You're back in
Action and Grand Rapids, Michigan March seventh. When are you
coming to LA so we can come support you.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
I'm in La at the Forum May eleventh, your Netflix.
Speaker 4 (30:01):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
By the way, we don't know where it's going to happen,
but I will say, uh, if you're a we're doing
a five Me and Tom are organizing a five K
by May that. We've got all our fans running, Cameron
Haynes is running, Tim Dillon, Shane gillis, Christ de Stefano,
all our friends are going to run, a bunch of
comedians are going to run.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
It, and Aaron and I are in.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
That's all I wanted to hear just commit a soft commit.
Speaker 4 (30:27):
It's a hard commit.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
I don't.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
I mean, I'm not from I'm all in.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
It's awesome.
Speaker 6 (30:31):
Bert, thank you so much for making time for us.
We appreciate you, guys.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
And then my next question is when can I get
you guys on my cooking show.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Something's burning, Well, we're going to.
Speaker 6 (30:40):
Burn everything because we can't cook's we have literally you.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
All you got to do is drink white wine.
Speaker 4 (30:46):
Fine, incredible.
Speaker 6 (30:48):
I've got a great white wine story and that'll be
a tease for us when we come on the show
where someone yelled at me for drinking red wine while
I was eating fish.
Speaker 4 (30:55):
That story is worth the listen. So thank you.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
So everyone knows you guys look beautiful.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
I am red as crap, but it's because I just
got out of my sauna and polar plunge. Okayt's one
fourteen over sixty five. I'm healthy. I weigh two hundred
and thirty pounds. I'm on testosterone. I have a cardiologist
appointment Friday. I am healthy. I'm just burnt up.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
For my sauna.
Speaker 5 (31:17):
Who you go to? I love a doctor.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Oh, I got a doctor and he's from He's from Tampa.
Oh wow, all he wants to.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Talking about the bumps.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
All roads lead back to Tampa. These chill Bert. We
love you.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Thank you guys, thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 6 (31:39):
For more podcasts from iHeart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And they're like, listen, when he shows up, all this
changes and they're like, yeah, well, if he's drinking, we're
going to have a problem. And me and my daughters
are like, no one's talking. We're just waiting for this
guy to show up.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And then.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
A five foot eight, skinny white dude walks in and
we're like, please be him, please be him, sit down,
and he goes.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
He goes, do you guys have Martin Naz And I
was like, yeah, baby.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Calm down with Aeron and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
All right, guys, let's go to part two with Bert Kreischer.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
He tells us.
Speaker 5 (00:34):
Why he still taged.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Some of his ex girlfriends on social media, which is
great and an incredible story about him returning to Florida
State and life coming full circle and actually gets super emotional.
It's really really great. I see your pin tripes behind you.
Speaker 6 (00:51):
So Bert, Derek Peter was nice enough to come on
the podcast and we were talking about a myriad of
different topics, and so parenting advice came up. Oh, I
need you to give Aaron some parenting advice because you're
almost on the other side of this thing as an
empty Nester.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Oh, my best parenting advice is you're gonna screw it up.
You've never done it before, and so you're gonna mess
it up bad, like real bad.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
It's gonna be.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
And that's the thing you have to be cool with
is like it's like it's you're gonna make a lot
of mistakes and mistakes that are bad. Like you're gonna
make bad mistakes, you're gonna parent poorly, and you're gonna
raise your voice and you're gonna do things that your
parents did and not realize you're doing it, and then
your kids are gonna react like horribly, and but that's
all normal, Like no one goes into parenting other than
(01:36):
like guys that are having their second family, like Enzo Ferrari,
like knowing what they're doing properly and so Farri's second
kid was a dime, but all the other ones, the
other one was like, you know, only passed away but whatever,
but he's not missing oh anyway. But uh, that's the
thing is like you're gonna mess it up. And for me,
the thing I probably regret the most, and I think
(01:57):
this is probably most adjacent to where you are, Aaron
is I was someone who focused very heavily on my
career because I felt like if I don't make money,
then no one's happy. So I'm gonna make sure I
can make money. And so I spent a lot of
time away when now I look at it and I go,
I'll never get to get that time back. Now, Listen,
you look in hindsight, you go, I really messed up.
(02:19):
It worked out. We're all fine and we have money,
and everyone gets good.
Speaker 4 (02:22):
To college, and your kids still talk to you.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
And my kids still went on a hike with Isla.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Last night, Georgia called me after camping with her friends
and was like, I love you, I miss you, like I.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
We're all in a really great.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Place, but but we pulled teeth to get there. I
mean it was like, you know, I joke about my
family a lot on stage. I probably don't joke enough
about like the series. I have one joke about when
Georgia smoked weed. I was with a Snoop and I
found out she smoked weed, and I was really upset,
and I was like, I said to Liamne, we're gonna
I was. I was on doing a show with Snoop
(02:56):
and making I was having lunch with him and he
heard me parenting on the phone. I was like, that
does it. We're gonna get on the FaceTime. I'm gonna
like that pitch up. I'm gonna I was just.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Like she smoked weed. She where did she get it from?
In the ads? Like it's your weed?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
And I was like, she's a thief too, what the
And I was like, I'm gonna make her cry. She's
gonna cry on the phone tonight so she knows this
is real. And and then I hung up and Snoop's like, Nah,
don't do that. He was like, you're what's happening to
you is your feelings are You're having feelings about losing
control of your daughter and your daughter's growing up shouldn't
need you, And it's messing with your head as a person,
(03:30):
and it's messing with your heart as dad, and so
you making her cry is going to just push her.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Further from me. I was like, when the fuck did
you turn into a doctor?
Speaker 5 (03:37):
I was gonna say.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
I mean, he's a great dad, and he's a great friend.
And and the.
Speaker 6 (03:42):
Children's songs too, Snoop the affirmation song, I really highly recommend.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
I am a great person. I am a great person.
My parents love me so much. My parents.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
I mean, I'm not gonna say I am going to
make this joke, but it's not joke.
Speaker 5 (03:59):
It's real.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
As we're talking about a song ninety three point three
the Power pick I got to do a top five
at nine song. Hi, I'm Aaron Andrews and I go
to Bloomingdale High School. And tonight's number three song is
red red Wine. I'd love to tell Preston Bernheisel, I
love you so much.
Speaker 6 (04:17):
You called in and dedicated a song to a guy.
You get, you get chosen, you be forty red red Wine.
It's like getting the hat for the twenty one song.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
I'm at the tailor concert like it's a big deal
for the top five at nine on the Power Pig
to do So, how did you get Pills?
Speaker 1 (04:33):
I called it in the top five and nine. I
dedicated it to Jennifer Stevens.
Speaker 4 (04:37):
Is that one of the six?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (04:39):
No, No, eighth grade love, eighth grade eighth great love?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
I was. I was in a bedroom with her her
now husband.
Speaker 4 (04:49):
WHOA Is that the start of a joke.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Oh No.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
We were scout out to Stephen Saint John. We're at
his house and I called it in the top five
of nine and I was dating Jennifer Stevens, and I said,
I want to I forget what my song was, but
I want to I want to fend this out to
Jennifer Stevens.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And then it was like a big deal.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
You had to call in and wait and you sat
on the phone forever waiting for them, and then they
played your song, played a song. Nerves are up and
then you're like, hey, this is Burke Chriisler. I go
to Berkeley Prep. Uh, I like, dedicate this song to
Jennifer Stevens, Motley Crue, Don't don't go away, Mad, just
go away or whatever.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
Oh my god.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
So I have always been a fan of yours, but
I fell even more in love with you when you
jumped on set for the Thursday Night Football Crew when
we had a Rams game and Ryan Fitzpatrick is your twin.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
Uh, you guys are.
Speaker 6 (05:35):
One and the same, and you jumped on set and
you just made his life. He ripped his shirt off.
You guys hug just just sweaty backs and all. It
was quite a time.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
He that was That was I was. I was nervous
doing that because because Inner Whitworth came to my box
like I was. I was with my family and he's
like showed up and he's like, hey, will you take
your shirt off with fits? And I was like yeah.
I was like, that's what I do for a living.
I can definitely do that. I was so nervous to
all of a sudden a party night turned into a
(06:07):
work night and I was pretty drunk.
Speaker 6 (06:08):
Oh well, you pulled it together perfectly because you were
so classy. You went down the line. You mentioned the
Calm Down podcast, the whole thing like that was so great.
It was really really sweet, and we're such big fans
of yours. I want to know your relationship with Tom Sigoura.
When did you guys become friends?
Speaker 2 (06:26):
We were working we were working in brain.
Speaker 6 (06:29):
Why do you laugh when I say his name? Just
because he automatically makes you laugh?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
He does. Well, it's you know, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
It's it's a buddy that I'm now business partners with,
Like we have a Vodko, we have a podcast, we
have a movie in development. And it's funny to think
that I met him at the Brave Improv. We were
opening for a guy, a very famous comedian at the time,
J Moore.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
And of course I got I got a j Moore
story for you real quick. You'll appreciate this. I was
working on a show called The Best Damn Sports Show,
and I was a baby. I had just got asked
to like do a now national show. I was like
a regional Fox reporter for that for the Rockies before that.
I'm on the Best damn Sports Show. I'm thinking to myself,
Oh my god, I've made it. Jay Moore comes on
and he looks at my jacket and he goes, oh,
(07:13):
my wife has that jacket but in leather. And I
was humiliated. And I was so mortified. I was like
a little kid, and it was like a pleather jacket.
So I was sad.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Now Jay was Jay was a good friend for a
very long time. We'd have fallen out, but we're we've
reached out, we've talked, and we're cool now. But at
the time, Tom was overweight, probably two hundred ninety pounds,
and he was sitting in the green room. He was
the host, and he was watching Florida State play and
I walked in and I went, hey, I went to
Florida State.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
And he's like, Florida State's my favorite team. I'm FM Florida.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
I go on from Florida and Jay walked in and
he goes, why are we watching Florida State? And Tom said,
I have one hundred dollars on this game. And Jay goes,
you're hosting. You make seventy five dollars a show and
youve got one hundred dollars on this game. You're an idiot.
And he walked out and I looked at Tom. I said, hey, man,
welcome to the tour. And we became best friends.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Two Bears One Cave so popular. Yeah, how long have
you guys been doing that? Now?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
We started really heavy in the pandemic in twenty twenty
is when is when. Tom's a really smart businessman and
we started doing the podcast just as a lark, and
really quick it kind of took off. It was during
the pandemic, so no everyone was at home and looking
for something, and so we doubled up and started doing
two a week or one a week, and it's turned
(08:29):
into it's you know, it's bigger than I think either
of our podcasts, and it's really fun. It's fun as
you know, it's fun to catch up with a friend.
And we don't pre produce it. We don't, which maybe
we should at times, but we just get together and
then just start talking.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
And I think he's the funniest guy in.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
The world without a doubt, and he thinks I am
the weirdest human being alive.
Speaker 6 (08:50):
It works, I know, but to your point, it is
a standing date like Aaron and I. His lives are
so busy, but I know I get to talk to
her for like a straight hour every.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Week, which is fun.
Speaker 6 (08:58):
And I like the things like I'm not a big
produced person anyway, which is weird in TV, but I
think it's more fun that things just go off the rails.
Before we let you go back to one of your
nine hundred different jobs, Bert, will you.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Play a little game with us. It's called what would
Bert Do?
Speaker 6 (09:23):
And there's some various topics that Aaron and I have
talked about on this podcast, so we want to get
your take on it.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
So, by the way, sidebar adjacent, we used to play
a game when I worked in Travel Channel in the
van of Bert has done that, and so what we
do is we say something wild and then everyone would
go around the van and go Bert's on that, and
then they go Bert's on that. No, I don't think
Bert's on that, and then they go Bert and then
I take the question to go bertst on that.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
But oh yeah, I like that. That's next. That's the
next time you come on.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
That's where it's at the Travel Channel.
Speaker 4 (09:55):
You worked on the Travel Channel?
Speaker 5 (09:56):
Tooey, No, he did. I just know.
Speaker 6 (09:58):
I know you sounds crazy, you know crazy wild Bird's
done that.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
When I worked on Travel Channel, I did. I would
travel for the year, two weeks every month of the
year around the world. It was the greatest job you
could ever have. But it was a lot like being
a stripper. It was a lot of fun, the money
was good, but you weren't learning anything.
Speaker 6 (10:16):
So move forward, flexible, Yeah, yeah, in more ways than one. Okay,
So there's an annoying person in the waiting room. Aaron
had a situation with this where they wouldn't shut up,
and she was not happy about it. What do you
do if you're in a waiting room and someone's talking
really loud? Or are you the person that's talking to me?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
I'm a hardcore eavesdropper. I'm a hardcore eavesdropper. I love
I've Actually I was at dinner with my wife and
daughter and I told them to shut up. The other night,
I was like, hold on, the conversation next to us
is so good.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
I had one.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
We were in the Cayman Islands. I had one that
was so good next to me, so good next to
me that I had to introduce myself to the guy.
The guy he started and he goes, and this is
what I heard. I'm with my wife. She orders a drink.
She goes, do you want something to eat? And I
says someone to eat. I hear the guy in the
in the combana next to us go and that's how
my first wife died. And I was like, huh, I'm
(11:06):
in and he was like and he was like, yeah,
I don't know our honeymoon. Isn't that crazy? And I'm
like what? And then and then I'm going, please tell
me how what happened? He goes, who would have thought
horseback riding in bamf in the winter was dangerous?
Speaker 2 (11:18):
And I'm like what.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
My second wife got frostbite? And I'm like second wife.
And then I had to go over and go, hey, man,
my name's Burn. I'm a comedian. Can I get to
know you? And I got him a drink and this
guy was amazing He was a lawyer from Ontario, Canada,
and he just had the wildest stories. And I was like,
I'm a big eavesdropper, So if anyone's ever talking loudly,
I dial in.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
And if my wife started, I.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
Go, do you also? Chris and I are really good
at this.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
I mean, my husband gets frustrated, but I'll look at
other tables and I can figure out their scenario right away,
Like this guy is pissed at this chick and this
is why they're having the most uncomfortable dinner, Like are
you that kind of person too?
Speaker 1 (12:02):
We were on vacation, me and the girls were, and
it was it was a whole table of black women
and they were really lighting up the youngest of the
of the sisters or like you know, like they were
all related. And they did not like her boyfriend and
they did not like that he went on this trip
(12:23):
that he was so annoying. And me and my daughters
and my wife are like then they're like and they're like,
listen when he shows up all these changes and they're like, yeah,
well if he's drinking, we're going to have a problem.
And me and my daughters are like, no one's talking,
We're just waiting for this guy to show up.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
And then.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
A five foot eight, skinny white dude walks in and
we're like, please be him, please be him, sit.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Down, and he goes. He goes, do you guys have Martinitas?
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And I was like, yeah, baby, now we know why
they don't like him.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
Yeah, Aaron and I give names, We give them a car,
like we can figure out their whole life story, or
at least what we think their life story is.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
All here, you get another one.
Speaker 6 (13:02):
What would Burt do? Rude people who recognize you? Aaron
had a situation like this happened at the airport.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
He's a real dick.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
What happened?
Speaker 4 (13:11):
What was your Well, it was Christmas Eve.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
We're doing you know, great game, Dolphins, Cowboys, and it
was a late night flight back to LA and we
just couldn't wait to get to the bar. Right it
was like Christmas Eve, let's get a Christmas cocktail. But
of course they're closing in five minutes. You're like, shit,
I'll have a burger, I'll have three cocktails.
Speaker 5 (13:29):
Whatever.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
And the guy was wasted at the bar and he
looked over at me and I was like, I'll do
anything for a drink.
Speaker 5 (13:35):
Or a burger, and he goes, you should smile more.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
And I looked at him and I go, I didn't ask,
and he goes, I know who you are, and I
said great. And then finally I was like annoyed because
my three male co workers were there and nobody tells
them to smile more. It's like I'm a pet in
a zoo, you know, it's like bee me yay, I'll
smile picture. And so you can't tell I have issues, right,
And so then I got a drink and I looked
at him and I go, have a nice night.
Speaker 5 (14:00):
I'm a bit you know what I mean, Like say
that to the men I'm working with.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
You know, I am the exact opposite. I do not.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
I'm so excited that anyone recognizes me that I literally
am oblivious. The only time it gets bad is like
me and my daughter were having a moment, a parenting
moment recently over New Year's Like we were in Park
City and it was a great parenting moment. We were
talking about really really meaty stuff in our in our
(14:31):
family and me and my behavior and the changes I
made with my diet and losing weight and not drinking
and being dialed in and being present and it was
really emotional and people were recognizing me, and my daughter
said to me, I know this is part of the job,
and I know this is okay, but it is infuriating
(14:51):
that I can't just have you as my dad right now.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
And I was like, and I was like, and then some.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Guys like, dude, you got to do a shot with me,
and I was like, damn it, that's got to. In
a weird way, I never got recognized for so long
in my life that I go, I understand that that
is adjacent to selling tickets and to downloads into money ultimately,
so I in a weird way, I'm a little bit
of a whore for it. I've only had one moment
(15:17):
where it bothered me. We were in Atlantic City and
this like gangster kind of guy was like, hey, you're
going to take a picture with the girls. Take the
shirt off. And I was like, I decided to take
the shirt off. He goes no, and he kind of
grabbed me close and he was like, you take the
shirt off and you take the picture.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
That's how it works.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
And I was like, oh shit, I was so I
took it off.
Speaker 5 (15:41):
And then your pants just kidding.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Another one following a family member x after breakup. Really,
what this is when our like, say we break up
with a guy, Say you break up with a girl,
and then you find out your family member is following
them on social media.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (15:57):
My sister continued to follow my ex boy friend like
years after the back and this guy was a douchebag,
Like why are we still fun? She's like, I'm allowed
to fall whoever I want. I'm like, bit's just why
do you have to follow the ex boyfriend who's an asshole?
Like knock it off? So what would Burt do?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
I One of my favorite things to do is to
remember someone and then see what they've been up to.
Like my sisters like like, I I don't really I
don't really pay attention to too much other than me, Like
I think about me a lot, so I don't think
about other people. But then I remember one time I
said to my wife, I was like, do you ever
google your ex boyfriends?
Speaker 2 (16:34):
And she was like no. I was like you should
do it, see what they're up to, and she was.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Like okay, And so we did it and he had
died and it was like not as fun as you
think it would.
Speaker 6 (16:42):
Be your family following the fun.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
That's what I wanted.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
No, I've tagged ex girlfriends whenever I get on a
private jet, I put I tag them, and I good.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
You know it could have been.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
That's really good.
Speaker 6 (17:00):
Aside from so, have you had run ins with the
ex girlfriends or like them being like, hey, can we
get tickets to something?
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Like all of a sudden now they like, you.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Know old.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, I uh, yeah it happened. I was just a
Grand Marshal of Gasparilla and Tampa.
Speaker 4 (17:16):
Yes, so on that pirate ship.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
And my wife this is I'm over speaking, I'm over sharing.
But my wife's you know, fifty three, she's going through menopause.
There's some insecurities that go along with she hasn't had
any work done. She's not like a botox person, and
so she looks like she looks like she's I think
she's beautiful, but she looks like you know, aged Jason
and and and I could see it was bothering her
(17:40):
saying like all my friends in Tampa, I've all had
work done, and and I was just like, oh, but
you're I don't they they would have they there's nothing
they have that like I don't want to date someone
that's like, oh, we're getting on a private jet.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I want to be married to someone who's like how
much did this cost?
Speaker 5 (17:58):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (17:58):
This is and why are we doing this right?
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Right? Why are we don't need this? We don't need
That's why I want. But uh, I've had girlfriends come
to shows. I had one girlfriend come to a show
and I overheard her saying I was the girl he
was dating during that article, like I was the one
that told him to get in the standard. And I
was like, you don't take credit for this, but relax, yeah,
I don't. There's only one ex girlfriend. I'm curious to
(18:23):
what happened.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
To Oh that's Google.
Speaker 6 (18:28):
No way, there's no no such thing as you can't
find someone.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
See this is women. We can find something in two seconds.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
My sister found her her grade school bully good.
Speaker 4 (18:38):
And I hope that. I hope that.
Speaker 6 (18:40):
Oh nine kids, who's who has nine kids?
Speaker 1 (18:47):
My sister's grade school bully from Lutz, Yeah, from LUTs
and crazy?
Speaker 5 (18:53):
God, are you a cracker barrel guy?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
And I missed him so much here And I know
there's like one random one somewhere right. I think it's
like forty minutes away.
Speaker 6 (19:03):
From where I live in for most of each But
what's your go to order?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Oh, country fried steak, mashed potatoes. I get two fried
eggs on top of the country fried steak, I get
biscuits and gravy. I go hard at Cracker Barrel And
by the way, I play the Genius Triangle game the
entire time.
Speaker 6 (19:19):
To find out that I've never been to a Cracker,
I'm the odd man out in this conversation. I know
I'm from Seattle, which, by the way, I'm really close
friends with Adam Ray. You two together time. No one
loves Seattle more than doctor Phil. I mean, he is busy,
Adam Ray.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
I took him to We did the arena wherever the
teams played in the arena there, and then I got
to I got a hit up from the Seahawks saying, Hey,
do you want to come out to our practice. I
wanted to meet coach Carrol. I'm obsessed with coaches. I'm
obsessed with coaches because everyone on instam coach. I am too.
He was great. He was a great guy. He said Bert,
the key to life is finding the spaces in between
(19:58):
the spaces enjoy those. And I was like, I'm wow.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Smart. I don't know what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
My only takeaway is is TK Metcalf K by the way, gorgeous, massive.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
Man chiseled just like a full specimen.
Speaker 6 (20:18):
I love that he wears number eighty because of Steve
Largent growing up in Seattle.
Speaker 4 (20:22):
Like I love Steve Largent.
Speaker 6 (20:23):
Like that's like I mean, I like all different kinds
of players, Like Dion Sanders was my favorite player growing up.
You'll appreciate FSU but like I like the flashiness of Dion,
but I also like the elegance of a Steve Largent
that like handed the football to the official after he score,
like then became a congressman whatever, but like not whatever,
But I don't know. I just love Seattle sports, but
(20:43):
not as much as Adam does.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Adam, well, DK Metcalf comes up to us and he
just done a practice, just worked out, and so I
said to him, I was like, so, what's your day
look like? Now you're gonna take an app play video games,
just thinking that's what you do if you're a pro
athlete and you're a millionaire and you're twenty three, twenty five,
And he says, uh no, I have sign language classes.
I'm trying to learn sign language, and I went, what
(21:08):
he's like so cool? He just is like he's a
curious dude and he's smart. And I was like, oh
my god, this guy's not gonna waste his money. This
guy's gonna be around forever. He's gonna have an amazing
career after his career because he's a smart, fun, interesting dude.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
And I was like wow.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
And then he walked away, and then that's not the
pro athlete I would have been. I would have been like, yeah,
would you have been? I would have been North Doubt's forty.
I would have been drinking, like I'm shocked. They still
don't drink beers after like hockey games like that. They're
all drunk in the in the room that they have. Well,
I drank beers. I made the flyers, not in the
(21:43):
locker room. Yeah, I made the fires drink beers. And
they're like, yo, this cannot you cannot tell anyone about this.
I was like, I'm telling everybody. After the game.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
I was like, guys, we're killing we're killing white claws.
Speaker 6 (21:55):
So we know that you love baseball, but if you
could go like you're purf, like, would you have been
to take in your in your mind, would you be
a hockey player, football player, baseball player, basketball player, like
you could be any professional athlete you want to be.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
I have an absolute love for base for playing baseball.
I love everything about it, the rituals. I love the
OCD that plays into baseball. I love everything about it.
I'm a I'm a pretty good golfer, meaning I grew up.
Everyone knows if you grow up in Florida, you can
just play great golf. I don't have the mindset for golf.
I think I don't have to shut your brain off
(22:31):
and dial in and sink the putt like I am
the guy that would choke. I would, But I always
wonder even now, if like I could have dialed, I
could have just I missed my window in like diving
or like or like skiing, or like archery. You know,
Geena Davis became an archer.
Speaker 6 (22:49):
At like forty five, and there's no crying in baseball
or archery.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Apparently she became an Olympic archer in like two thousand
and one. Was like an Olympic archer.
Speaker 4 (23:02):
It's not too late.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Joe Rogan's a great archer and he picked it up
at fifty like, so can I wonder what my next
my next thing is gonna be.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Uh, it's gonna ask you that, Yeah, what is your
next thing in life? Or just like on stage, what
do you want to do anything?
Speaker 1 (23:19):
No, I'm looking to retire. I'm looking to I want
to sell posos for eight hundred million dollars and then
just live the life of an extravagant, eccentric comedian who
only tours on his yacht. And I just hit sport
cities and I I I fantasize about uh, but I'm
(23:40):
not someone who can take time off, Like I'm supposed
to take nine months off after i shoot my special
in July. I'm shooting my special in Saint Petersburg and
for Netflix, and I'm supposed to take nine months off
and already I just was like I was just talking
to Larired Hamilton. I was like, maybe I'll just go
on to Hawaiian and surf or maybe I'll maybe I'll
start a surfing channel, maybe I'll become I was like,
what if I go out to Big Waves.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
With you guys?
Speaker 1 (24:01):
And he was like you should come, because you know
he's a savage. He's like, you should, you.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Can do it.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
You talk about that family. Oh my god, those jeans
with Gabrielle Reese, I mean between her and I.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Mean, they want to do a double a couple's date
with me and my wife. And I was like, talk
about bringing the scrubs with you? It's like, what are
we going to talk about? Well?
Speaker 5 (24:22):
I just like, yeah, we have to wear a bathing suit.
That would I would just.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
That's where they work out. They work out in their pool.
Speaker 6 (24:30):
No, you can't invite someone over and then they have
to put a bathing suit on.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
No. I was like, it's going to be the only
one in a one piece in that pool. Yeah. I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
I don't know if we're if we're ready to. I
remember I remember when I hung out with Aaron Rodgers.
He was like, hey, I got a place in California.
We should go down to the beach together. And I
was like yeah, and he was like, yeah, bring your wife.
I have my girlfriend down there. And I was like, nah, pass,
I'm not going to.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Bring a woman around your twenty nine year old. What
is he gonna make sandwiches? Make sure we're all get
sand off us before we go inside.
Speaker 6 (25:05):
No, you're when you're with them, very healthy. You have
a picture though in your house when you went back
and performed right at Florida State.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Oh yeah, that was that was the most emotional.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
That was You're gonna you can get me to cry easy.
I'm a big crier.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
But like so, I hadn't been to Florida State since
I graduated, and since i'd done stand up there, I
moved and I had a bad relationship with Florida State
because they didn't graduate me because of the article.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I had to take correspondence classes.
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Really because of that Rolling Stone article.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah, they say I defamed the school, and so they
got they I get really into the sports side of this.
I sat next to work done at graduation because they
wanted his name called out before mine, so no one
really heard mine and yeah, yeah no, And so I
had like a bad taste in my mouth. So I
had not been back to Tallahassee in twenty five years.
(26:06):
I didn't realize we were performing in the Civic Center
in the arena. I thought we were just doing like
a Sometimes these arenas will have a theater, a theater
in'side like a masive square garden.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
So I just figured that.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
There was a room in there that I was performing
in and I got there, I got off my tour
bus and I woke up early and there was a
big sign and a red carpet that reached from my
bus to in the arena that said welcome home Bertie Boy.
Stop emotional and so so it I took the morning
(26:40):
and I walked by myself around the campus just kind
of seeing it and taking it in. I hadn't been
there in twenty five years, want to see the changes.
And I'd put on Instagram stories, you know, I'm here
at Florida State, and kids were opening their windows and
they were yelling out.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Welcome home Bertie Boy. It was like it was like wild.
It was so crazy.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
So then we go to do the show. And now, Aaron,
I'll understand this very clearly. But when we were kids
that Florida didn't have. Florida didn't have a ton of
civic pride. We weren't like Boston or Pittsburgh. You know,
your civic pride was ultimately found at Florida or Florida State.
So that's where you became a member of that community.
And my dad told me when I went to Florida State, Buddy,
(27:22):
you have no idea what you're about to join into
this is overwhelming. When you get to these games, you're
going to feel like you're really a part of something
I didn't understand.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Next.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
I grew up in Tampa, So when I went to
the first game in my freshman year and they threw
the spear into the seminole head as a freshman, I
started sobbing crying. I started, it's on fire, It's on fire.
Cheap film comes out on Renegade. Renegade rears back on
its rear legs and he spikes a burning spear into
(27:50):
the head. I started sobbing, crying, and I cried every
time they ever threw that spear into the every my
whole six and a half seven years there. Every time
it happened, I thop. So I get ready to do
the show, and now, mind you, I still have a
weird relationship with Florida State. I haven't really talked to
anyone who works there. And they say, no, we have
a present for you before the show. I thought they
were going to give me a doctorate, like I thought
(28:11):
they were gonna like Bill calls me me up and
give me a capping down, And they presented me the
spear and they said at all. I started sobbing, crying,
and then I go out, I have a great show,
and I bring the spear out on stage and there's
like twelve thousand people and just channing the the war chant.
(28:33):
And it was I mean, like to this day, you
know when I think sometimes like on my death bet,
what are my memories going to be?
Speaker 6 (28:40):
Like?
Speaker 1 (28:40):
What are the things that flashed before my eyes? And
I hope that's one of them, because it was like
a true connection of coming home and feeling like really
really coming home. And then you know, I've been back since.
I went back to a game and they brought me
on the field and I saw coach normal and and
they brought me down so that I could watch the
spear go in and they had a camera on me bawling, crying.
Speaker 6 (29:02):
O good for you, A full circle moment cry.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
That'd be like me if I went back to Florida.
I think gave you the mister two Bits Ties. You've
got the spear, I've got the two bits Tie.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
It's crazy how those like weird, weird moments, especially in sports,
can really unify and bring you together and make you
feel a part of something.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
You know.
Speaker 6 (29:26):
Yeah, it's not weird. I mean, it's exactly why Aaron
and I love sports. It's the great unifier, right. I mean,
politically you might not agree with someone. Religiously, you might
not agree with someone, but if you're like I'm I
went to Florida State. You went to Florida State, like
you have a moment and like it brings everyone together.
Speaker 4 (29:41):
But we appreciate you taking time.
Speaker 6 (29:43):
You have so many things going on between your podcast,
between Something's burning, you have a million things going on.
Don't forget everybody tops off World Tour, You're back in
Action and Grand Rapids, Michigan March seventh. When are you
coming to LA so we can come support you.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
I'm in La at the Forum May eleventh, your Netflix.
Speaker 4 (30:01):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
By the way, we don't know where it's going to happen,
but I will say, uh, if you're a we're doing
a five Me and Tom are organizing a five K
by May that. We've got all our fans running, Cameron
Haynes is running, Tim Dillon, Shane gillis, Christ de Stefano,
all our friends are going to run, a bunch of
comedians are going to run.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
It, and Aaron and I are in.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
That's all I wanted to hear just commit a soft commit.
Speaker 4 (30:27):
It's a hard commit.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
I don't.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
I mean, I'm not from I'm all in.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
It's awesome.
Speaker 6 (30:31):
Bert, thank you so much for making time for us.
We appreciate you, guys.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
And then my next question is when can I get
you guys on my cooking show.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Something's burning, Well, we're going to.
Speaker 6 (30:40):
Burn everything because we can't cook's we have literally you.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
All you got to do is drink white wine.
Speaker 4 (30:46):
Fine, incredible.
Speaker 6 (30:48):
I've got a great white wine story and that'll be
a tease for us when we come on the show
where someone yelled at me for drinking red wine while
I was eating fish.
Speaker 4 (30:55):
That story is worth the listen. So thank you.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
So everyone knows you guys look beautiful.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
I am red as crap, but it's because I just
got out of my sauna and polar plunge. Okayt's one
fourteen over sixty five. I'm healthy. I weigh two hundred
and thirty pounds. I'm on testosterone. I have a cardiologist
appointment Friday. I am healthy. I'm just burnt up.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
For my sauna.
Speaker 5 (31:17):
Who you go to? I love a doctor.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Oh, I got a doctor and he's from He's from Tampa.
Oh wow, all he wants to.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Talking about the bumps.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
All roads lead back to Tampa. These chill Bert. We
love you.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Thank you guys, thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 6 (31:39):
For more podcasts from iHeart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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