August 2, 2023 • 22 mins
Jess killed it in Canada! But, now she needs a little break so she can fix your mess with a clear mind! Some issues are timeless - enjoy this Reckless Replay of a fan favorite episode! Tap in to find out if you know someone that this applies to!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeartRadio and
the Black Effects. Oh shit, we on a air. Welcome
back to yet another carefully reckless episode with your girl
(00:20):
just hilarious. I'm about to jump straight in just fix
my mets now again. These people will remain anonymous. And
like I said at the top of every episode now
and which is also in the bio and the carefully
Reckless page on Instagram, you can send in voice memos,
you can send in paragraphs, essays, whatever you want. But
if you do send in a paragraph, or if you
(00:41):
write it or whatever, please spell check before you submit,
because that might be the reason that I don't read it.
And your story may actually really be good and I
actually may have some really good advice for you, but
please spell check. Guys, please please please jumping straight in,
Hey Jess, I need help of my baby father and
his Oh damn. Okay, okay, I'm gonna start that over then,
(01:04):
all right, Hey, Jess, I need help. I'm sick of
my baby father and his inconsistent ass. Ways, let me backtrack.
We've been together for seven years, have a child together,
and all through the relationship there was something that should
have caused us to break up, like his first baby
mother or the jail stuff. But I stayed and we
have a child. Now. One thing she gonna keep telling
(01:25):
me is we got that child. Okay, they got that child.
So if y'all didn't know for the third time already,
and I'm only ten seconds into the story, they have
a child, all right. Now. I had to go through
so much for my place. I called home on my
own with nothing but minimal assistance from him. I got
my keys, he lives with me. There's no real bills
(01:45):
being paid. He's still got stuff going on with the law.
And all he can say for me to not want
to give up is because of love or starting over.
But it's said because I want to start over. And
she wrote that in all caps to y'all want to
start over, and not with anyone in particular, just a
do over to be happy. I don't feel loved or appreciated.
(02:05):
I feel used. I feel like I'm here for comfortability,
and the minute he gets go, he's gone. Now I
don't know what that means. That could be some new slang.
And if y'all know what it means, then y'all tell me.
If not, we're just gonna keep on rolling, mainly because
I don't try to make him feel bad, but I
get mad at him when he thinks he has some
say so on some shit in my house. I don't
want to be like it's mine, mine, mine, But I
(02:27):
worked hard alone with my child and he just piggybacks
off of what I do and what I did. I
have to help him do everything at his twenty nine
years of age, job applications, everything, and I know it's
not because he don't know how. He just feels like
I should, and when I don't, I'm always looked at wrong.
I'm starting to resent him and I'm not sure what
(02:49):
to do. Yes, I love him. Am I in love? No?
Do I think I've outgrown this? Yes? But I'm also
a Virgo and I do impulsive things when I'm in
my feelings. Podcast always gives me clarity on things. Whoo okay,
baby girls. So look, I'm gonna start off by saying
I'm gonna Quarius and I do impulsive things out of emotion.
(03:10):
So I don't think that's a sign thing. I don't
think that that's an astrology thing. I think that's more
of just an emotional person who you are all women.
I'm not even gonna say we're women. So we do
that because all women don't react that way to emotions
or when they're in their feelings, and all men don't
do that. I know men that do it, and I
know women that do it. It's just you are very
(03:32):
in tune with your emotions, and sometimes we don't know
how to control ourselves when we're so deep in our feelings.
So don't put that on all virgos because I'm pretty
sure all the Virgos listeners probably like girl, I'll be
doing it, you know. So you ask yourself a series
of questions, you know, And these are all the questions
I was going to ask. Other than do you love him?
I know you love him, I was going to ask you,
(03:52):
are you in love? You know? And that's two different things.
A lot of people have their own beliefs on that,
their own things, I call it thanks their own beliefs
or thinks on that. But I believe that there is
a difference. I do believe that there also is a
difference between loving someone and loving someone unconditionally. So obviously
(04:13):
you don't love him unconditionally. You're not in love, and
you think you've outgrown him. So basically, I'm gonna tell
you what you're looking for. You're looking for a confirmation.
That's what it is. It seems like you already know
what you want to do. You know that you want
to start over. You put that in all caps, girl,
you wanted to start over, and then you didn't only
write it once, you wrote it twice. You're done. You're tired.
(04:34):
You're tired of him leeching. You're tired of being superwoman
of the house. And listen, while that is something that
we will always have to do when you leave him.
If you leave him, if you are just in the
household by yourself with your child, yes, you have to
be superwoman. You have to be a hero to that child.
You have to be the role model, you have to
be the stature you do. But when a man is there,
(04:59):
some of that weight is supposed to be lifted from
your shoulders and you don't feel like you have a
support system. Basically, he leans on you for support, so
does your child. So who do you lean on? And
I understand that. So you feel like you can do
it by yourself without the man in the house. If
you're doing it with the man in the house. You
(05:20):
understand what I'm saying. So I think you're just looking
for a confirmation. Girl twenty nine years old and you
have to help them fill out applications. Listen, that is
not your oldest child, but I know that it feels
like it. I know it feels like it. I've been
in a relationship like this before. Only thing is I
do not have children with the guy. But I felt
as if I was taking care of someone else's son
(05:43):
who was supposed to be taking care of his responsibilities
and helping to take care of me and my household
because it was my house. He just moved in it.
I was always the breadwinner, taking care of him and
I and my son, you know what I'm saying. And
there were times that I struggled trying to to take
care of all three of us because I didn't always
have the best damn job. But I could always fend
(06:05):
for myself. After going through a bunch of obstacles when
my son was younger, you know, I vowed to never
ever go back there again, so I've always worked my
ass off. So listen, I do understand if you're looking
for confirmation, I'm giving it to you. Yes, yes, yes,
because The only thing that you said positive about this
(06:27):
whole ordeal is that you do love him. That you
do love him, but you love yourself more. You love
your mental stability more. No woman or man should have
to live miserably to accommodate somebody else's feelings. I was
just speaking on this on last week's episode. We rob
ourselves of happiness at the expense of other people's feelings.
(06:48):
We lose ourselves and our relationships and our friendships and
with these bonds, and we attach ourselves to these people,
and we give them the sense of entitlement by doing so.
That allows you, in some cases to even give power
to someone. You know, you're giving someone power over you
when you dim your light to shine there as brighter
(07:11):
and they ain't even gonna shine on their own. You
understand what I'm saying. So that's what you're doing. You're
constantly building this man up, and I think it's training you.
Now you've come to the point where I don't know
how old you are, but if he's twenty nine, I
guess you're not too far before or after him. You
know what you want. You're a woman, a strong, beautiful
black woman. I'm looking at your picture right now you
(07:33):
And that sounds kind of creepy, but you know, I'm
looking at your picture right now. Relax, I just want
to take some pictures. I'm joking. I'm sorry. You seem
like you know exactly what you want, not seeing you
know what you want. So now you just have to
take that step, and that actually needs to be a
conversation with him as well, and do not let him say, well,
(07:53):
you seem like you're gonna let him keep realing you
back in because this has been the same song and
dance for a while now as you have put it.
So I think you should sit and tell him there
needs to be a conversation. Communicate with him exactly how
you communicate it with me. Tell him and just say, listen,
I'm going to let this go. I know that we
(08:13):
have a child, and I've tried, and I tried, and
I tried to make it work for my family because
I don't want my child to grow up in a
broken household or two different households. But I cannot keep
carrying all this weight by myself. If he doesn't understand
that he still got so much learning to do about
(08:34):
the woman he was with all this time. Because he's
supposed to know you. He's supposed to know that you're tired.
He's supposed to know that he got to get his
ass up and get his shit together. He's supposed to
know you will leave his ass. He's supposed to know
that he is fucking replaceable, whether he is your child's
father or not. He's supposed to know, but he does not.
So sometimes you got to show a motherfucker something for
(08:55):
them to learn. And that's just it. Check back in
with me, booth. Hold up, Hold up, I know to
shit getting good, but listen to just a couple seconds
of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen. Moving on, Hey, Jess, girl,
I'm gonna just get straight into it. I don't know
if it's more of a question or a conversation, but
what is up with the mentality of men these days? Girl?
(09:17):
I'm still trying to figure it out. At thirty five
years old, I am finding that the problem with these
men are one and the same within the African American
dating community. Come on, stats now, I have never been
good at sugarcoating shit, So here we go. Where is
the black man's mentality today? Are y'all trying to be thugs, hustlers, pimps, bums, delinquents, entrepreneurs,
(09:39):
or just plain old felons like do better my brothers,
because I'm finding that the ones trying ain't trying hard enough.
And this is not to ignore the many independent, successful
black males. I know y'all exists, but this ain't about y'all.
Right now, I love her, Okay, you could be doing
everything right in a relationship and your mentality still be.
(10:00):
I try not to judge a man for being on
hard times. I met my man at work, but shit,
he's not stable, doesn't have his own apartment, lives with
his dad. We've been together for a year, but don't
ask me about moving in. Now I have to question
why a grown ass man doesn't want his own shit.
Moving in shit is for marriage, because if you miss
me so badly, marry me. Damn Like damn. I want
(10:23):
to go to my man's house, lay up in his shit,
smell his clothes, wash his dishes, see how he lives
and maintains. I need all men to drop this mentality
and pick up a new one, because I'm a grown
ass woman. You niggas have no education, no experience, get
the jobs you can get work your ass off, Let
that hustleman street shit go, and create stability for yourself
(10:46):
and your family. I was homeless before too, and now
what I value most in this life. The only thing
that matters as an adult is stability. I would love
to pack a bag and be at my man's house
or whatever for the day. This is a serious issue, clearly,
because all of y'all are miserable, trying to live together,
thinking you're saving money, moving too fast, and making this
(11:08):
shit the new normal. Ladies, cut the desperation and leave
that man outside. Fuck all that moving and shit for real,
for real, start making these men stand on their own.
It'll be a domino effect, hopefully. Anonymous. Please, oh baby, listen,
let's just time out for a second. Lord. I want
to shout up and down my house right now. She
(11:29):
spoke so many words, drop so many gems, And do
you know what the first thing somebody will say about
this woman, Oh she's an angry black woman. Oh she
wants she got our shit together, she want everybody to
have their shit together. Oh she think her shit don't stink.
Can't nobody go through nothing? You're not gonna need a
man who's just gonna be perfect. That ain't what she said.
(11:51):
And she's also said she's been homeless before, and so
she knows what the meaning of stability is. She knows
the value of being stable, she knows what that can
do for your life. This girl don't need no goddamn advice.
You asking me to fix your mess? Girl, you don't
need to know. You probably just fix some of my shit. Damn.
So now I gotta go back and see what the
(12:12):
fuck she needed, because hold up, wall, I ain't oh right, right, right, okay,
And I was gonna say I ain't. I ain't fixed
the sheine tell me about a specific man. She just
want to know why these niggas out here acting this way?
Why is the mentality of a man so shallow these days? Really? Seriously, Now,
I'm not saying you guys aren't confident. I'm not saying
(12:34):
you guys don't believe that you look good. You don't
believe in yourselves. You just don't want more for yourself,
And if you do, you don't act on it. There
is no action behind it. That's what she wants to know.
And she's thirty five years old. She's trying to figure out,
She says, she was dating a man for a year
now he was already living with his dad. Now, she
(12:56):
probably gave him the benefit of the doubt because I
know a couple of y'all like, well, she don't want
to stay with him for a year. She knew he
was living with his dad when she met him. Yeah,
but she tried to give it some time, That's what
she's saying. She gave it a year. The nigga still
was living with his dad, and he probably asked her
to move in with her. Oh, when we're gonna get
a place together. She want to be able to date
(13:17):
until married. No, we boyfriend and girlfriend were doing this shit, right.
You live over there. I live over here now. When
we get married, nigga, we can move in. We can
talk about all that moving in shit when we get married.
You miss me so badly, You miss me bad enough
to be with me every night. You know, the sleep
with me every night, So wake up with me every
morning to live with me. I cook for you, I
(13:38):
do all of this shit. Where we are one now,
we are under the same house, old nigga, marry me?
Where is that ring? Okay? I do believe, I do
I do really do believe that people get in these
relationships barely even knowing each other. Yup, you could be
with somebody for six months and still don't know everything
that you need to know about them before moving in
(13:58):
with them. I'm not saying you're gonna know everything about
a person in order to live with them. No, you
don't need to know everything about a person, because listen,
there are married couples that still getting to know each other,
that have been together for years and years and years.
Because as people grow, people change. Now no, I hate
that word change. I'm gonna change that. Listen. People evolve
(14:18):
and some people grow together and some people don't. Some
people evolve differently than others. Some people evolve differently than
their mates. Some husbands evolve differently than their wives. So yes,
you will always be getting to know your partner. Okay,
so don't take that the wrong way. It's nothing wrong
with that. But I think that these young people and
(14:40):
these older people both, they get in these relationships without
even really knowing everything that they need to know about
a person. Then they move together and you know, to
save money, they plan house, they plan the marriage thing.
Nobody even talks about being married. We're gonna move in together.
I don't even know if the fuck you even have
a desire for marriage. I don't even know if I'm
gonna be with you and five years or even if
(15:01):
that's something that I want, because no one knows what
the future holds. But you do know what you want.
You do know, and you can dictate what you want to.
You can depict your life off of your wants and
your knees and and your goals and what you are
looking for, what you're striving for, and then before you
know it, that's wasted time, wasted money, wasted effort, And
now you guys live with each other and you can't
(15:24):
stand one another. And then you thought you was gonna
get this amazing guy, and you thought you was gonna
get this amazing woman, and it was gonna be that way. NOA,
y'all didn't get to know each other. Y'all didn't get
to miss each other, because now y'all live with each
other in what you didn't know before, you know now.
But now you live with this motherfucker. So now everything
she do pisses you off, Everything he'd do pisses you off,
(15:44):
and you want out, but y'all signed the damn lease.
So now you're in limbo. I totally agree with everything
that she said. Listen, and she is also speaking from experience.
She's not talking down on anyone. She's speaking from experience
because she was homeless before, she struggled before, and that's
how she learned the importance of stability, guys, and getting
(16:08):
something on your own, getting that shit on your own,
being independent, not needing a motherfucker for nothing. Now, listen,
everybody needs somebody, but that's not what I'm saying. Listen,
if I needed one thousand dollars and I didn't have it,
and I called my mother and she couldn't give it
to me, I called my father, he couldn't give it
to me. I'm going to get it some type of way.
(16:30):
Now I'm a hint on this, and then I'm moving
on because this is a serious thing. This is a
very serious question that she asks. Why are the mentality
of guys like this these days? Listen? She said, where
is the black man's mentality today? Are y'all trying to
be thugs, hustless pimps, bums, delinquents, entrepreneurs or plain old felons?
And mind you, she shouted out, the guys who are
(16:51):
all the successful black males, but she ain't talking about y'all.
Right now, all right, so I see that a lot.
I see that a lot too, Babe. I do the thugs,
the the bombs, the leeches that the niggas that leech
off women. And you know what I'm saying, I'm gonna
tell you all this. And I was moving on on YouTube.
Me and my son's father used to do this series
called co Parenting Therapy. I don't know if you guys
(17:12):
are familiar, if you not check it out, listen. We
started this over the pandemic, and I remember Jerome sitting
next to me saying, oh, yeah, this is a new
day and age. Now I want a woman to take
care of me. I need a woman to take care
of me. I'm okay with a woman taking care of me.
I want a woman to take care of me. Times
have changed. So yeah, now y'all take care of us.
(17:33):
And I remember the feeling that went through me. I
remember the fine hairs on my skin just stood up.
And I remember backhanding the shit out of Jerome. I'm
talking about just some bun yang yin yin yang like
right crosses goddamn face. And then I woke up. I'm like,
oh shit, I had a daydream of me smacking the
(17:55):
shit out this nigga for saying that on a platform
that was a daydreamer I didn't touch in real life.
Is actually you can literally see me in a trance
when he says that, you can see me zone out
and just go into my own mental space. When he
says that, like I checked out, go watch them episodes,
(18:15):
I could not believe that he said that. I'm like
what He's like, yeah, shit, I don't care. And this
is right when I was about to stop that series
because that nigga was moving into a place that I
helped him move into, and I helped him buy some furniture,
and instead of saying thank you, this nigga was like, damn,
you bought me a bedroom set with no mattress. Again.
(18:37):
I daydreamed that I pushed this nigga out in front
of the car, got in it and rolled them over,
backed up and rolled them over again. I remember daydreaming that, damn.
And this is very revealing to you guys that I
have these strange visions, But I would never do anything
to hurt my son's father. Just just letting you know,
(19:00):
but I cannot believe that men actually think like that.
He doesn't think like that now, because we've come a far,
far along fucking way, and he know damn well, he
ain't raid be in my life thinking like that. And
that ain't what you're about to teach your damn sons either,
And that ain't what you're teaching your damn daughters to
take care of these niggas. No, you don't raise a
(19:21):
woman to take care of a man. You raise them
to take care of their households. Don't get in misconstrued
what I said. You raise a woman to take care
of her household, you raise a man to take care
of his family. It's two different things. And y'all can
beg to differ all you want. Now, I'm gonna speak
from experience me growing up. My mother took care of
(19:45):
the household. Okay, my father took care of us the family,
not saying he had nothing to do with the household.
But the woman is who makes the house a home, Okay,
the man is the provider of the family. I'm not
even gonna say traditionally. That's how I was raised, and
that's how my friends growing up was raised. That's how
(20:06):
neighborhoods was, that's how communities was, That's how it was.
I guess you can say traditionally. I don't really like
to even use tradition. I don't really like to use
that word because everybody has different traditions. It's different traditions
for different people. So I really don't like to just
say just throw my traditional out there on everybody. But
that's how I was raised, that's my belief. So back
(20:26):
to you, girl, you are on the right path of that,
and I think you need to stay exactly how you are.
There is nothing wrong with how you think. Girl. That
will be a man somewhere worship in the ground you
walk on. You stay true to yourself, and you stay
thinking like that. Girl. I love this. I love what
she said. Should we need to check back in with her?
Don't y'all know how I tell him? All right, y'all
(20:46):
check back in with me after I try to fix
the mess? Should we need to check back in with her? Shit?
And I think it's safe to say we get ended
right here today, y'all. Thank you for listening in with
Jess Hilarius and another episode of Carefully Reckless. Listen tune
in too, Reckless discussions. Each and every Wednesday, we got
another episode, dropping two nights at seven pm only on YouTube.
(21:07):
Check in Tune in every Wednesday morning at seven am,
on your way to work, on your way to take
the kids to school. You want to wake up and
listen to Can't Fleet Reckless and go back to sleep.
So bid if you're listening to it at work, don't
get caught. Love y'all, See you next week and then
my deepest pan boys. Can't Fully Reckless is a production
(22:36):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeartRadio and
the Black Effects. Oh shit, we on a air. Welcome
back to yet another carefully reckless episode with your girl
(00:20):
just hilarious. I'm about to jump straight in just fix
my mets now again. These people will remain anonymous. And
like I said at the top of every episode now
and which is also in the bio and the carefully
Reckless page on Instagram, you can send in voice memos,
you can send in paragraphs, essays, whatever you want. But
if you do send in a paragraph, or if you
(00:41):
write it or whatever, please spell check before you submit,
because that might be the reason that I don't read it.
And your story may actually really be good and I
actually may have some really good advice for you, but
please spell check. Guys, please please please jumping straight in,
Hey Jess, I need help of my baby father and
his Oh damn. Okay, okay, I'm gonna start that over then,
(01:04):
all right, Hey, Jess, I need help. I'm sick of
my baby father and his inconsistent ass. Ways, let me backtrack.
We've been together for seven years, have a child together,
and all through the relationship there was something that should
have caused us to break up, like his first baby
mother or the jail stuff. But I stayed and we
have a child. Now. One thing she gonna keep telling
(01:25):
me is we got that child. Okay, they got that child.
So if y'all didn't know for the third time already,
and I'm only ten seconds into the story, they have
a child, all right. Now. I had to go through
so much for my place. I called home on my
own with nothing but minimal assistance from him. I got
my keys, he lives with me. There's no real bills
(01:45):
being paid. He's still got stuff going on with the law.
And all he can say for me to not want
to give up is because of love or starting over.
But it's said because I want to start over. And
she wrote that in all caps to y'all want to
start over, and not with anyone in particular, just a
do over to be happy. I don't feel loved or appreciated.
(02:05):
I feel used. I feel like I'm here for comfortability,
and the minute he gets go, he's gone. Now I
don't know what that means. That could be some new slang.
And if y'all know what it means, then y'all tell me.
If not, we're just gonna keep on rolling, mainly because
I don't try to make him feel bad, but I
get mad at him when he thinks he has some
say so on some shit in my house. I don't
want to be like it's mine, mine, mine, But I
(02:27):
worked hard alone with my child and he just piggybacks
off of what I do and what I did. I
have to help him do everything at his twenty nine
years of age, job applications, everything, and I know it's
not because he don't know how. He just feels like
I should, and when I don't, I'm always looked at wrong.
I'm starting to resent him and I'm not sure what
(02:49):
to do. Yes, I love him. Am I in love? No?
Do I think I've outgrown this? Yes? But I'm also
a Virgo and I do impulsive things when I'm in
my feelings. Podcast always gives me clarity on things. Whoo okay,
baby girls. So look, I'm gonna start off by saying
I'm gonna Quarius and I do impulsive things out of emotion.
(03:10):
So I don't think that's a sign thing. I don't
think that that's an astrology thing. I think that's more
of just an emotional person who you are all women.
I'm not even gonna say we're women. So we do
that because all women don't react that way to emotions
or when they're in their feelings, and all men don't
do that. I know men that do it, and I
know women that do it. It's just you are very
(03:32):
in tune with your emotions, and sometimes we don't know
how to control ourselves when we're so deep in our feelings.
So don't put that on all virgos because I'm pretty
sure all the Virgos listeners probably like girl, I'll be
doing it, you know. So you ask yourself a series
of questions, you know, And these are all the questions
I was going to ask. Other than do you love him?
I know you love him, I was going to ask you,
(03:52):
are you in love? You know? And that's two different things.
A lot of people have their own beliefs on that,
their own things, I call it thanks their own beliefs
or thinks on that. But I believe that there is
a difference. I do believe that there also is a
difference between loving someone and loving someone unconditionally. So obviously
(04:13):
you don't love him unconditionally. You're not in love, and
you think you've outgrown him. So basically, I'm gonna tell
you what you're looking for. You're looking for a confirmation.
That's what it is. It seems like you already know
what you want to do. You know that you want
to start over. You put that in all caps, girl,
you wanted to start over, and then you didn't only
write it once, you wrote it twice. You're done. You're tired.
(04:34):
You're tired of him leeching. You're tired of being superwoman
of the house. And listen, while that is something that
we will always have to do when you leave him.
If you leave him, if you are just in the
household by yourself with your child, yes, you have to
be superwoman. You have to be a hero to that child.
You have to be the role model, you have to
be the stature you do. But when a man is there,
(04:59):
some of that weight is supposed to be lifted from
your shoulders and you don't feel like you have a
support system. Basically, he leans on you for support, so
does your child. So who do you lean on? And
I understand that. So you feel like you can do
it by yourself without the man in the house. If
you're doing it with the man in the house. You
(05:20):
understand what I'm saying. So I think you're just looking
for a confirmation. Girl twenty nine years old and you
have to help them fill out applications. Listen, that is
not your oldest child, but I know that it feels
like it. I know it feels like it. I've been
in a relationship like this before. Only thing is I
do not have children with the guy. But I felt
as if I was taking care of someone else's son
(05:43):
who was supposed to be taking care of his responsibilities
and helping to take care of me and my household
because it was my house. He just moved in it.
I was always the breadwinner, taking care of him and
I and my son, you know what I'm saying. And
there were times that I struggled trying to to take
care of all three of us because I didn't always
have the best damn job. But I could always fend
(06:05):
for myself. After going through a bunch of obstacles when
my son was younger, you know, I vowed to never
ever go back there again, so I've always worked my
ass off. So listen, I do understand if you're looking
for confirmation, I'm giving it to you. Yes, yes, yes,
because The only thing that you said positive about this
(06:27):
whole ordeal is that you do love him. That you
do love him, but you love yourself more. You love
your mental stability more. No woman or man should have
to live miserably to accommodate somebody else's feelings. I was
just speaking on this on last week's episode. We rob
ourselves of happiness at the expense of other people's feelings.
(06:48):
We lose ourselves and our relationships and our friendships and
with these bonds, and we attach ourselves to these people,
and we give them the sense of entitlement by doing so.
That allows you, in some cases to even give power
to someone. You know, you're giving someone power over you
when you dim your light to shine there as brighter
(07:11):
and they ain't even gonna shine on their own. You
understand what I'm saying. So that's what you're doing. You're
constantly building this man up, and I think it's training you.
Now you've come to the point where I don't know
how old you are, but if he's twenty nine, I
guess you're not too far before or after him. You
know what you want. You're a woman, a strong, beautiful
black woman. I'm looking at your picture right now you
(07:33):
And that sounds kind of creepy, but you know, I'm
looking at your picture right now. Relax, I just want
to take some pictures. I'm joking. I'm sorry. You seem
like you know exactly what you want, not seeing you
know what you want. So now you just have to
take that step, and that actually needs to be a
conversation with him as well, and do not let him say, well,
(07:53):
you seem like you're gonna let him keep realing you
back in because this has been the same song and
dance for a while now as you have put it.
So I think you should sit and tell him there
needs to be a conversation. Communicate with him exactly how
you communicate it with me. Tell him and just say, listen,
I'm going to let this go. I know that we
(08:13):
have a child, and I've tried, and I tried, and
I tried to make it work for my family because
I don't want my child to grow up in a
broken household or two different households. But I cannot keep
carrying all this weight by myself. If he doesn't understand
that he still got so much learning to do about
(08:34):
the woman he was with all this time. Because he's
supposed to know you. He's supposed to know that you're tired.
He's supposed to know that he got to get his
ass up and get his shit together. He's supposed to
know you will leave his ass. He's supposed to know
that he is fucking replaceable, whether he is your child's
father or not. He's supposed to know, but he does not.
So sometimes you got to show a motherfucker something for
(08:55):
them to learn. And that's just it. Check back in
with me, booth. Hold up, Hold up, I know to
shit getting good, but listen to just a couple seconds
of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen. Moving on, Hey, Jess, girl,
I'm gonna just get straight into it. I don't know
if it's more of a question or a conversation, but
what is up with the mentality of men these days? Girl?
(09:17):
I'm still trying to figure it out. At thirty five
years old, I am finding that the problem with these
men are one and the same within the African American
dating community. Come on, stats now, I have never been
good at sugarcoating shit, So here we go. Where is
the black man's mentality today? Are y'all trying to be thugs, hustlers, pimps, bums, delinquents, entrepreneurs,
(09:39):
or just plain old felons like do better my brothers,
because I'm finding that the ones trying ain't trying hard enough.
And this is not to ignore the many independent, successful
black males. I know y'all exists, but this ain't about y'all.
Right now, I love her, Okay, you could be doing
everything right in a relationship and your mentality still be.
(10:00):
I try not to judge a man for being on
hard times. I met my man at work, but shit,
he's not stable, doesn't have his own apartment, lives with
his dad. We've been together for a year, but don't
ask me about moving in. Now I have to question
why a grown ass man doesn't want his own shit.
Moving in shit is for marriage, because if you miss
me so badly, marry me. Damn Like damn. I want
(10:23):
to go to my man's house, lay up in his shit,
smell his clothes, wash his dishes, see how he lives
and maintains. I need all men to drop this mentality
and pick up a new one, because I'm a grown
ass woman. You niggas have no education, no experience, get
the jobs you can get work your ass off, Let
that hustleman street shit go, and create stability for yourself
(10:46):
and your family. I was homeless before too, and now
what I value most in this life. The only thing
that matters as an adult is stability. I would love
to pack a bag and be at my man's house
or whatever for the day. This is a serious issue, clearly,
because all of y'all are miserable, trying to live together,
thinking you're saving money, moving too fast, and making this
(11:08):
shit the new normal. Ladies, cut the desperation and leave
that man outside. Fuck all that moving and shit for real,
for real, start making these men stand on their own.
It'll be a domino effect, hopefully. Anonymous. Please, oh baby, listen,
let's just time out for a second. Lord. I want
to shout up and down my house right now. She
(11:29):
spoke so many words, drop so many gems, And do
you know what the first thing somebody will say about
this woman, Oh she's an angry black woman. Oh she
wants she got our shit together, she want everybody to
have their shit together. Oh she think her shit don't stink.
Can't nobody go through nothing? You're not gonna need a
man who's just gonna be perfect. That ain't what she said.
(11:51):
And she's also said she's been homeless before, and so
she knows what the meaning of stability is. She knows
the value of being stable, she knows what that can
do for your life. This girl don't need no goddamn advice.
You asking me to fix your mess? Girl, you don't
need to know. You probably just fix some of my shit. Damn.
So now I gotta go back and see what the
(12:12):
fuck she needed, because hold up, wall, I ain't oh right, right, right, okay,
And I was gonna say I ain't. I ain't fixed
the sheine tell me about a specific man. She just
want to know why these niggas out here acting this way?
Why is the mentality of a man so shallow these days? Really? Seriously, Now,
I'm not saying you guys aren't confident. I'm not saying
(12:34):
you guys don't believe that you look good. You don't
believe in yourselves. You just don't want more for yourself,
And if you do, you don't act on it. There
is no action behind it. That's what she wants to know.
And she's thirty five years old. She's trying to figure out,
She says, she was dating a man for a year
now he was already living with his dad. Now, she
(12:56):
probably gave him the benefit of the doubt because I
know a couple of y'all like, well, she don't want
to stay with him for a year. She knew he
was living with his dad when she met him. Yeah,
but she tried to give it some time, That's what
she's saying. She gave it a year. The nigga still
was living with his dad, and he probably asked her
to move in with her. Oh, when we're gonna get
a place together. She want to be able to date
(13:17):
until married. No, we boyfriend and girlfriend were doing this shit, right.
You live over there. I live over here now. When
we get married, nigga, we can move in. We can
talk about all that moving in shit when we get married.
You miss me so badly, You miss me bad enough
to be with me every night. You know, the sleep
with me every night, So wake up with me every
morning to live with me. I cook for you, I
(13:38):
do all of this shit. Where we are one now,
we are under the same house, old nigga, marry me?
Where is that ring? Okay? I do believe, I do
I do really do believe that people get in these
relationships barely even knowing each other. Yup, you could be
with somebody for six months and still don't know everything
that you need to know about them before moving in
(13:58):
with them. I'm not saying you're gonna know everything about
a person in order to live with them. No, you
don't need to know everything about a person, because listen,
there are married couples that still getting to know each other,
that have been together for years and years and years.
Because as people grow, people change. Now no, I hate
that word change. I'm gonna change that. Listen. People evolve
(14:18):
and some people grow together and some people don't. Some
people evolve differently than others. Some people evolve differently than
their mates. Some husbands evolve differently than their wives. So yes,
you will always be getting to know your partner. Okay,
so don't take that the wrong way. It's nothing wrong
with that. But I think that these young people and
(14:40):
these older people both, they get in these relationships without
even really knowing everything that they need to know about
a person. Then they move together and you know, to
save money, they plan house, they plan the marriage thing.
Nobody even talks about being married. We're gonna move in together.
I don't even know if the fuck you even have
a desire for marriage. I don't even know if I'm
gonna be with you and five years or even if
(15:01):
that's something that I want, because no one knows what
the future holds. But you do know what you want.
You do know, and you can dictate what you want to.
You can depict your life off of your wants and
your knees and and your goals and what you are
looking for, what you're striving for, and then before you
know it, that's wasted time, wasted money, wasted effort, And
now you guys live with each other and you can't
(15:24):
stand one another. And then you thought you was gonna
get this amazing guy, and you thought you was gonna
get this amazing woman, and it was gonna be that way. NOA,
y'all didn't get to know each other. Y'all didn't get
to miss each other, because now y'all live with each
other in what you didn't know before, you know now.
But now you live with this motherfucker. So now everything
she do pisses you off, Everything he'd do pisses you off,
(15:44):
and you want out, but y'all signed the damn lease.
So now you're in limbo. I totally agree with everything
that she said. Listen, and she is also speaking from experience.
She's not talking down on anyone. She's speaking from experience
because she was homeless before, she struggled before, and that's
how she learned the importance of stability, guys, and getting
(16:08):
something on your own, getting that shit on your own,
being independent, not needing a motherfucker for nothing. Now, listen,
everybody needs somebody, but that's not what I'm saying. Listen,
if I needed one thousand dollars and I didn't have it,
and I called my mother and she couldn't give it
to me, I called my father, he couldn't give it
to me. I'm going to get it some type of way.
(16:30):
Now I'm a hint on this, and then I'm moving
on because this is a serious thing. This is a
very serious question that she asks. Why are the mentality
of guys like this these days? Listen? She said, where
is the black man's mentality today? Are y'all trying to
be thugs, hustless pimps, bums, delinquents, entrepreneurs or plain old felons?
And mind you, she shouted out, the guys who are
(16:51):
all the successful black males, but she ain't talking about y'all.
Right now, all right, so I see that a lot.
I see that a lot too, Babe. I do the thugs,
the the bombs, the leeches that the niggas that leech
off women. And you know what I'm saying, I'm gonna
tell you all this. And I was moving on on YouTube.
Me and my son's father used to do this series
called co Parenting Therapy. I don't know if you guys
(17:12):
are familiar, if you not check it out, listen. We
started this over the pandemic, and I remember Jerome sitting
next to me saying, oh, yeah, this is a new
day and age. Now I want a woman to take
care of me. I need a woman to take care
of me. I'm okay with a woman taking care of me.
I want a woman to take care of me. Times
have changed. So yeah, now y'all take care of us.
(17:33):
And I remember the feeling that went through me. I
remember the fine hairs on my skin just stood up.
And I remember backhanding the shit out of Jerome. I'm
talking about just some bun yang yin yin yang like
right crosses goddamn face. And then I woke up. I'm like,
oh shit, I had a daydream of me smacking the
(17:55):
shit out this nigga for saying that on a platform
that was a daydreamer I didn't touch in real life.
Is actually you can literally see me in a trance
when he says that, you can see me zone out
and just go into my own mental space. When he
says that, like I checked out, go watch them episodes,
(18:15):
I could not believe that he said that. I'm like
what He's like, yeah, shit, I don't care. And this
is right when I was about to stop that series
because that nigga was moving into a place that I
helped him move into, and I helped him buy some furniture,
and instead of saying thank you, this nigga was like, damn,
you bought me a bedroom set with no mattress. Again.
(18:37):
I daydreamed that I pushed this nigga out in front
of the car, got in it and rolled them over,
backed up and rolled them over again. I remember daydreaming that, damn.
And this is very revealing to you guys that I
have these strange visions, But I would never do anything
to hurt my son's father. Just just letting you know,
(19:00):
but I cannot believe that men actually think like that.
He doesn't think like that now, because we've come a far,
far along fucking way, and he know damn well, he
ain't raid be in my life thinking like that. And
that ain't what you're about to teach your damn sons either,
And that ain't what you're teaching your damn daughters to
take care of these niggas. No, you don't raise a
(19:21):
woman to take care of a man. You raise them
to take care of their households. Don't get in misconstrued
what I said. You raise a woman to take care
of her household, you raise a man to take care
of his family. It's two different things. And y'all can
beg to differ all you want. Now, I'm gonna speak
from experience me growing up. My mother took care of
(19:45):
the household. Okay, my father took care of us the family,
not saying he had nothing to do with the household.
But the woman is who makes the house a home, Okay,
the man is the provider of the family. I'm not
even gonna say traditionally. That's how I was raised, and
that's how my friends growing up was raised. That's how
(20:06):
neighborhoods was, that's how communities was, That's how it was.
I guess you can say traditionally. I don't really like
to even use tradition. I don't really like to use
that word because everybody has different traditions. It's different traditions
for different people. So I really don't like to just
say just throw my traditional out there on everybody. But
that's how I was raised, that's my belief. So back
(20:26):
to you, girl, you are on the right path of that,
and I think you need to stay exactly how you are.
There is nothing wrong with how you think. Girl. That
will be a man somewhere worship in the ground you
walk on. You stay true to yourself, and you stay
thinking like that. Girl. I love this. I love what
she said. Should we need to check back in with her?
Don't y'all know how I tell him? All right, y'all
(20:46):
check back in with me after I try to fix
the mess? Should we need to check back in with her? Shit?
And I think it's safe to say we get ended
right here today, y'all. Thank you for listening in with
Jess Hilarius and another episode of Carefully Reckless. Listen tune
in too, Reckless discussions. Each and every Wednesday, we got
another episode, dropping two nights at seven pm only on YouTube.
(21:07):
Check in Tune in every Wednesday morning at seven am,
on your way to work, on your way to take
the kids to school. You want to wake up and
listen to Can't Fleet Reckless and go back to sleep.
So bid if you're listening to it at work, don't
get caught. Love y'all, See you next week and then
my deepest pan boys. Can't Fully Reckless is a production
(22:36):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Host
Jess Hilarious
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.